Melanie Tonia Evans

The 10 Most Impactful Ways To Start Self-Partnering Right Now

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 23
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


What exactly is self-partnering … and how do we achieve it?

Is it something that we need to continually think about and work at, or is it something that we can be-come at a deeper level where it just starts to become automatic?

Self-partnering is talked about a lot in this Community. Does this mean it’s essential to do in order to heal from narcissistic abuse?

Is it something that relates to MUCH more than just abuse recovery?

I believe it is … absolutely!

I will even go as far as to say I believe self-partnering holds the key to not only our Highest Potential and the Game of Life …

It also unlocks the literal power of All of Creation itself.

So I decided to list the 10 most impactful ways for you to start self-partnering right now. Which means after reading this article you will have a roadmap of how to start connecting to peace, inner solidness, joy and confidence as well as learn how to tap into your Infinite Power.

I know that may sound like a really BIG claim, but maybe after reading this blog article you will understand why I say this.

I hope with all of my heart and Being that after reading this article it will unlock the space and flow within you to achieve self-partnering and experience the pure miracle of Life and yourself.

So many people in this Community ask “how” to self-partner … and this is why I wanted to produce this article for you, and hopefully as a result you will connect to your power, truth and the generation of your incredible life.

Self-partnering turns on its head what we were taught, which was to live life from the “outside in”.

We have actually been programmed into believing that meeting our own emotions was the wrong thing to do! Yet, when we honour self … not the egoic small, needy insecure self, but the core of our Inner Being …  then we become whole, and we honour all of life in wonderful ways.

Please find the following 10 Ways to Self-Partner.


Number One – Listen To Your Inner Being

Your emotions are vital to connect to … they are there to tell you “where you are at”, which is in stark contrast to your head which can make up stories and often try to talk you out of “where you are at” instead of dealing with it.

When we self-partner, we realise that ignoring our emotions is like trying to drive a car out of a bog, spinning wheels and only digging ourselves in deeper.

Just like a dripping roof or a care engine making weird noises, things get worse if ignored. Our inner traumas, trying to get our attention via anxiety or depression or physical symptoms, are exactly the same.

How bad does it need to get – or what outer event, or physical dis-ease does it need to manifest in order to get our attention?

But how to know this if we stay in our head?

Being in our head, instead of connecting deeply with our own emotions, is like staring at a closed car bonnet and trying to guess what is wrong with the car engine. It isn’t until we come inside and connect and be super-present, that we are in a position to love and heal ourselves back to wholeness.

All emotions are sacred … and all roads lead to home, when we are self-partnered.


Number Two  – Validate Yourself Fully

Imagine your child coming up to you with he or she saying, “I’m feeling sad” and you said “No you’re not, just ignore that feeling and get on with it.”

How many of us were told this as children?

How many of us keep doing that to ourselves?

That response has done us no favours and makes our Inner Being feel totally invalidated, just as it invalidates other people when we try to talk them out of what they are feeling.

This is the exact opposite of self-partnering.

Self-partnering is this model: I see you, I love you and hold you with your wounds in order to transform them for you, and I will not judge your emotions as ‘wrong’.

In no way does validating our emotions mean we are going to be stuck in the rolling around with our trauma and the compounding of it.

That is caused by invalidating our emotions when our Inner Being fights back … screaming “See me and heal me. I am not meant to be trapped in this junk!”

Rather, when we validate an emotion by self-partnering lovingly with it – we realise that it was always impossible to heal ourselves back to wholeness when we were blaming, shaming or invalidating ourselves.


Number Three – Love Your Negative Emotions

Your negative emotions are awesome!

I mean this with all my heart, because every time you have a trigger here is the truth of the opportunity … This is a trauma that can be released to create more space and power within.

The irony is when you stop judging negative emotions and simply work at upleveling them, you immediately grow from Who You Were Being into more of Who You Really Are … namely your Higher Potential living trauma free.

This allows Creation and Consciousness (Higher Power / Super-Conscious) to flow through you, because it now has the space in your cells to do so.

To turn self-avoiding around into essential self-partnering, you can try saying this, “I bless and accept this emotion” next time you feel a negative hit of something.

Now rather than turning away, you have turned towards and you are immediately self-partnered.

The people in the Thriver Community who heal the fastest, are the people who learned this formula – Don’t think about it, SHIFT it instead!

They use the Modules in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program as often as possible when triggered, instantly releasing their inner traumas, hence why they become inner joy, space and inspiration (there are countless testimonies of this on line for you to see how true this is!)

And, they discover that rather than being engulfed in a trauma that has come up, which is exactly what thinking about it causes, or trying to shut it up by avoiding it, which means it will simply reappear somewhere down the track even MORE ferociously to get their attention – they go inwards purposefully to transform the traumas into space, relief and freedom.

Our greatest gold is mined from our wounds, because when we release them from our Inner Being we literally fill with joy and inspiration (Creation) – truly that is the alchemic journey of Self when we meet our Inner Being.

When you start living like this, you wonder why on earth you didn’t get onto it sooner rather than spend years battling Life whilst carrying your inner traumas.


Number Four – Let Go of Needing to Change Things Outside of Yourself in Order to Feel Okay

When we are self-partnered we understand a profound truth – that if we work with “emotion first” and unconditionally bring ourselves back to a space of inner wholeness – then we independently feel solid and empowered, regardless of the outer situations.

Our egoic self would have us believe that if we make peace on the inside that we will tolerate “what is” and not do something to transform it.

That is a complete false premise, and when you let go of the egoic beleifs, you live and understand a Greater Truth: We do not need to be negatively triggered about something to realise that it is NOT for us.

Having awareness in our power is not about fearful and painful triggers – it is simply awareness.

When we aren’t triggered into our insecure fearful self, we have the power and “space” to experience quality inspirations and make aligned decisions that bring us even more of the wholeness we have established on the inside.

It is Quantum Law – so within, so without.

This is when we transform situations, rather than adding more to the problem with triggered reactions that are at the level of the consciousness of the trigger – namely fear and pain.

When we transmute our emotion first – meaning tackle the trauma on the inside rather than the outside –  we are less likely to self-avoid, procrastinate or add more drama to the mix.

Rather … We KNOW what to do … or we know to do nothing at all.

 That is the wonderful side-effect of aligning ourselves with inner peace.

We be-come the solution.

So within, so without.


Number Five – Release Expectations and the Need For Set Results

Law of Attraction believers would have us focus on something in order to “get” it in our Life.

I believe being truly self partnered is much more effective than this, because when we BE-come something on an inner level, we are as whole and full as if we had it, and we actually don’t need it at all.

The danger with Law of Attraction work is that it can deeply feel like something is “missing” if it hasn’t shown up yet, and is becomes a condition on our existence to be fulfilling.

That is still living Life from the “outside in” – which defies Quantum Law.

If we feel something is “missing” all we will manufacture for ourselves is more of the experience of “missing it”. We have in fact “missed it” because we are not aligned.

At an inner level when we are “with ourselves” unconditionally, unloading our inner wounds and becoming more space, consciousness and joy inside of us … that is all we desire … the feeling of becoming space, joy and expansion.

Then we simply live as Source being us, living through us, which is expansion, creation, prosperity, love and joy … and however that manifests in the real world is really not of consequence, because we no longer need anything in particular to happen to feel whole.

That is THE juice, joy and personal freedom – and our Ultimate Power happens when we are happy for Ultimate Consciousness to take over the “how” and the “what”.

All we have to do is BE joy and expansion!

This is the way we open up to outcomes that are so much bigger than our own limited “wishes” and “thinking” could conjure … we become unlimited.

What does Consciousness “need”?

Nothing at ALL – Consciousness just IS.

Creation needs nothing either, because it is “all of it”.

We already are Consciousness and Creation and our only job to allow miracles to flow through us and from us is to emulate (be) Consciousness and Creation by cleaning out our inner toxic junk (pain, fear and judgement) to become the real 99.999999999% space in our cells that is our cellularly coded birthright.

The only thing EVER separating us for this birthright is the toxic trauma clogging that space up, NOT allowing Consciousness and Creation to express itself through us.

The power in the space in our cells is Consciousness and Creation itself, and that is what we become within and what flows through us and creates magic in our outer world … when we are free of trauma – organically and naturally.

It just IS.

That is Real Life and Freedom.


Number Six – Put Yourself First

This is hard one for so many people; they think this is selfish and even “evil”. They also think this is narcissistic.

You must remember that a narcissist is putting their ego first – their False Self – which when energised simply causes more pain and destruction in its wake.

When we are self-partnered, we put our Inner Being first – we DO love ourselves more than we love others – because that is our TRUE responsibility to love and accept ourselves with authentic self-partnering, so that we can be the healthiest, most love-filled, truth-filled Being we can possibly be for all of our human experience.

If we fill our tank with consciousness, love and whatever sustains our healthiness, then we will lead by example and affect people healthily to empower them too.

No longer will we be showing up as “giving to get” or being empty and needy clinging to people enabling abuse and bad behaviour by demonstrating, I will try to make you love me even if it costs my Inner Being dearly.

This shift, and releasing any trauma of associated guilt with putting ourselves first, changes our lives and everything we touch beyond description.


Number Seven – Establish a True Relationship With Yourself

Whenever you get needy or feel empty, ask yourself, “What am I trying to get from outside of me that I am not providing for myself?”

And, “what am I not believing I am worthy of receiving” … and …

“What truth about myself do I need to be humble and honest about and share with others? Can I be vulnerable and real with myself first and then expand into true honesty with others?”

If we are not anchored into granting ourselves solid inner wholeness, worthiness and realness we will continually meet and enmesh with the people “on the outside” who reflect back to us the ways we have not healed this essential relationship with ourselves.

When we shore these authenticity keys up within ourselves, we discover that people in droves supply us with what we are now granting ourselves, and we become detached from the people who don’t have the resources to.

These people just aren’t a match for us anymore.


Number Eight – Expand Out Into the World

When you are self-partnered (meaning tending to your inner wounds and becoming more and more space-filled within) then you want to get out into the world to experience all of it – including triggers.

There is only so much wholeness we can achieve alone, whereas out in the contextual Field having everything reflected back to us, the possibility for growth is unlimited.

If we feel left out and needy or hard done by – we can uplevel.

If we find people push our boundaries we can uplevel.

Any angst we can uplevel.

If we are truly self-partnered, we want growth and expansion more than anything.

In this Life Orientation, we get to the level where we can be open-hearted without handing our power away and we recognise every uncomfortable feeling coming from interactions with others grants us the opportunity to grow up some part of ourselves from our original wounding into authenticity.

There we get to live as expansion and growth and joy, and we get to experience love and connection whilst doing so.

We find we are more alive than we ever have been – experiencing the miracles of Life and ourselves constantly – including the rolling up of our sleeves to get the necessary inner work achieved. (I personally use Quanta Freedom Healing on myself whenever a trigger comes on).

These are inevitable by-products of open hearted authenticity and being willing to meet Life as a self-partnered Being.


Number Nine – Live Free of the Need to Be Healed

When we are self-partnered, we unconditionally love ourselves warts and all. No longer are we the critical inner parent condemning ourselves to having to be a certain way to feel loved and worthy.

We recognise we are human and wounded and we love ourselves regardless.

We recognise that our wounds are sacred, and bless the fact that they do come up granting us the opportunity to become a New Self continuously.

We stop having the ridiculous expectation of having to be perfect, and striving to be perfect till healed. We simply settle into our lifestyle of upleveling, granting ourselves clemency and the divinity of knowing we are perfectly imperfect.

We are human and an evolving soul sorting out our stuff in divine ways and in perfect timing.

Any embraced wound is an expression of our Divinity. So much so, our lesson is to love and accept ourselves wounds and all right now.

That is when we transmute into Grace – because we are emulating EXACTLY the same love that all of Creation has for us – pure and unconditional.

 That’s what Being a True Self really means.


Number Ten – Be Willing to Lose it All to Get it All

This is the biggie … this is where we tap into infinite power and set its power loose.

Many people may think this means “biting your nose off despite your face” … but it isn’t. That is an egoic knee jerk reaction born from stubbornness, fear and often vengeance.

What “being willing to lose it all to get it all” really means is this: you are so self-partnered that you are aligned in your values and truth and stay true to them.

And, you are willing to lose anything that is not.

I feel that I need to share an example here to help you understand this concept, because Number Ten is vital and I want you to have a really clear understanding of it.

Here is my example that is personal – someone dear to me in my life has a terminal habit of being late for everything.

I attend certain things with this person – and I stated to them “I’m not doing lateness and the anxiety that goes with that. I refuse to live like that. I’m just not doing it again. I’ll just drive myself it it happens again.”

And I meant it!  I was willing to lose their companionship to certain events and take myself there … simple!

I was even willing to lose the relationship if this person decided to walk away because of a perceived criticism.

I just was not having this as my reality!

It was astounding how this person completely transformed and starting being organised and on time – despite every family member and previous associate saying it was a chronic issue no matter how much they nagged, pleaded or yelled. I had been warned!

This allows us to understand Quantum Law, so within, so without.

I was aligned with punctuality … and please understand I had NO need for this person to transform.

They would either step up or I was “in alignment regardless”.

When we are willing to lose it all to get it all – that is when we are aligned with Pure Consciousness and Creation, and we realise that we are the resource of our truth tapped into the Universal Storehouse of Creative Power.

We harness this power by choosing our truth and saying “No” to what isn’t. But it is important to realise this can’t be “faked”. If we agonise or stress, or default back, or think we should capitulate because we will “go without”, we are NOT in True Alignment … we are missing something.

We are missing that we still have trauma trapped in our Inner Being causing us to hand power away – and it is those traumas that need to be healed in order for us to Stand True.

It’s vital to understand we will get what we tolerate.

When something in a work sense, relationship or situation is not our soul truth and we stay with it out of poverty and limited consciousness, we are saying “this is me” and we are delivered more.

Yet, when we take the transformative stand of making choices in our outer world aligned with our inner world, NOT attached to outcomes and not needing to see the physical proof of what we want …  we enter the magic of “the void”.

The void is WHERE it is at! Here we meet our maker, The Space of Pure Consciousness and Creation unravelling the match of our Inner Being choice.

Which means the thing we were struggling with and then decided, “Nope not having that!” has the space to transform up to your chosen Truth, or will clear out to make way for the superior replacement.



Self-partnering is not something we do logically through our limited mind – it is a way of life that we choose with our entire Being at an unlimited Soul and Heart level.

I truthfully don’t know any other way to be self-partnered other than to be inside ourselves meeting, feeling and totally being connected to our own emotions.

This may scare some people – as it used to terrify me – and the reason it terrifies us is because if we have significant trapped trauma inside us, meeting ourselves may feel like taking up residency in a war-torn country with missile, bullets and unsuspected landmines at every turn.

This is why releasing our trauma to be-come space and consciousness (liberty, peace, and inspiration) inside of us is essential to be self-partnered in joyous ways.

My true definition of self-partnering can be encapsulated in this one sentence …

Meeting and being with our inner wounds, to release our traumas and love and heal ourselves back to wholeness.

All else follows from there.

I look forward to the conversation that can come from this article, as well as experiencing so many more of us becoming a model of self-partnering in this Community and in our world!


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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60 Thoughts on The 10 Most Impactful Ways To Start Self-Partnering Right Now
    April 8, 2017

    Very inspirational. Number 6 is becoming more of a source of joy for me. Byebye to shame and guilt. Hello to self-empowerment.

    I can’t wait for the day I’ll be able to go out and grow more organically. This is actually already happening more and more. Triggers have surfaced in bearable ways and for that I am very grateful.

    They don’t have to be all-engulfing or painful.

    I also remember more of who I once was after reading this. I used to love growing and expanding my consciousness. This wasn’t something I logically thought about – it was just a natural state of being. A natural approach. Going within, meeting vulnerabilities/wounds/insecurities, and being with Self.

    Then solutions would come to me quite naturally after holding the space for myself.

    The one thing I was never good with was Fear. Which is also why I struggled with anxiety for years on end.

    I really want to be that person again who enjoys progression and expansion without fearing it.

    NR 10 is what I’m yearning to work towards, because I remember how that feels. And it is incredibly empowering.

    I’d really love to change the belief that my wounds are dirty, to my wounds are sacred. Because it’s true.

    See how I’m handed keys of consciousness through others? I love that. It is such a gentle way of being nudged in the right direction.

    And for that I am grateful.

    Thanks for the article, friend :).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2017

      Hi Miba,

      That is so wonderful that you are putting you first Dear Lady …

      And so fabulous that you are getting out into Life and ling ale to manage and release the triggers to expand even more.

      It is so about embracing the fear and not fearing it.

      You so can transform that belief Miba and what a beautiful shift to make.

      You are so welcome Dear Friend.

      Mel xo

      April 10, 2017

      Thanks Miba…wow I feel your growth in these words. X Suzi

    April 8, 2017

    Hi Melaine

    Thank you for another very helpful, timely (in my case) and enlightening post! I’ve been working on the Module 1 of your NARP programme for about a month and although it is making a difference to how I feel (almost like a new strength running through me, particularly along my spine) I’m still rating the trigger levels at around 10, as I just can’t stop worrying about what the ‘Narc might do next’ (see ‘Narc’s greatest hits’ for details…). From this post I’m realising that it’s probably because I can’t stop focusing on what’s going on outside and need to put this aside in favour of self-partnering. Very difficult! Have I got this right?

    Thanks for your help. Best Wishes


      April 9, 2017

      Hi Julie, I have never posted before. I am 2 years down the track post realising that my husband of 25 years was a major narc. Melanie’s articles helped immensly even if just to let me excuse myself for being used that way. It was comforting to know I wasn’t alone.
      I have come to realise I chose a man who would control me. I gave him all my power and self esteem to use as he chose. I got addicted to his glory and fueled it. I was the perfect source.
      Who am I ? didn’t matter to him or me.
      I believe…. the universe gave me that situation so I could evolve to this one. One narc parent goes back for generations on both sides.
      I say to my girls. It stops here!!! I had to live through this to be able to stop it for future generations.
      My years were far from wasted, I am who I am now largely due to my awakening. Who he is doesn’t matter to me. Therefore his power over me is gone.
      You were you long ago and that strong and kind loving being is still there. You got this chick. Focus on you he is of no consequence. Don’t fuel his power any more. Do it for you! Do it for us all!! X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2017

      Hi Julie,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you … that is wonderful that this article is helping you understand even more the importance of turning inwards, and also I would really suggest that if you are in a time of high conflict with “what the N may do” that you pop forward to Module 8 – because that is exactly what that Module in NARP assists with specifically.

      Also I would suggest being in the NARP Forum because we can help guide and coach you to make your breakthrough with this (if needed).

      The Forum entry point is here:

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    April 8, 2017

    Great ,,,,, Rules like No 10 the best ,I call it ( Listening within ) To what ??? Your Guardian angels Who only want the Best for you ,,, then Be Positive and feel important ,and Special , more than anyone else ,
    Well done Melanie for showing others the way out ,,,,

    April 8, 2017

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart-never have I heard such wisdom in my life! Your programs-your life’s work-I do believe have saved me. The life I always knew I could have-even as a little girl-despite the wounding and dysfunction-I KNEW there would be a way. This is it. I’m feeling and experiencing some of these changes now. It’s JUST HAPPENING. Not forced-or false-I’m evolving! And shocking the hell out of a few people along the way-which is a VERY good thing:) I’m finally self partnering!! Yayayayay!! Being willing to lose it all to win it all….and seeing my emotions as sacred! Why have I never heard this before? I’m finally learning to treasure myself-warts and all! I want to share this with everyone-
    Thank you THANK YOU so much:) you’re a gift to so many!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2017

      Hi Cindy,

      Thank you for your lovely words. I am so happy that NARP has helped you so much and that you have broken free int your True Life.

      Oh gosh that is so true Cindy it isn’t someone we try to be – to just be-comes how we are when we shift the trauma out of our Being.

      Yayayaya indeed!!!!

      Bless you gorgeous lady I can feel your soul joy from here!

      And you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 8, 2017

    I signed up to your newsletter 2 months ago and since reading was something that just made sense. I took actions of no contact even though it was really hard for me. I have been getting better and better everyday. I received the above email and have literally worked through the steps so I understood it thoroughly. The conclusion just stood out to me completely. Everything makes sense. Thank you so much. Lots of love and blessings. X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2017

      Hi J,

      I am so pleased the truth is setting you free.

      How wonderful when our soul says “Yes, I know that!”

      It’s my absolute pleasure, and much love and blessings to you too.

      Mel xo

    Lady Jedi
    April 8, 2017

    Very useful article! Thanks Melanie for the reminder.

    Some of the ways are easier, some need more work and attention…In my experience I found number 3/ 9 to be particularly powerful…When I was in the aftermath of narc abuse unfortunately I hadn’t met you yet Melanie, but I found that I was still able to set a healing process in motion, however slow, precisely by sitting with my emotions and facing them. It was obviously extremely painful but luckily for me I didn’t have many distractions available and the pain was so insightful I decided to stop looking for “distraction” altogether. All of my journey started with that choice of “going through” instead of trying to escape or force myself into “being fine”. Something I still find hard to do but that lesson showed me the way.

    I have a question about n. 10… I understand that we all have certain things that we find intolerable in other people. I also understand that we must be aligned with our truth instead of pleasing others. I myself have “lost” some people because I didn’t like their behaviour and don’t regret it. However, lately I am experiencing a lot frustration and disappointment with others in general. If I had to hang out only with people who have no flaws and fullfill all my expectations, there would be no one left. How can we discern when it’s “us” – meaning, it is me generating this experience of disappointment because I have to heal something, and cutting off others would only be a sign of inability to tolerate imperfection in others and act like a victim. Or if it’s “them”, meaning, there is something in this person/people that it is actually wrong for me and I have to distance myself. In cases of bad behaviour is pretty obvious to me now, but when it comes to normal “flaws” people might have, I am not so sure anymore where to draw the line.

    Thanks, love and hugs xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      It is so true that we need to “go through” it rather then bypass it to heal and grow.

      What is wonderful – with Quanta Freedom Healing – is that we don’t need to do it, wound by wound, in the old way we used to … slowly and torturously. We can shift the trauma powerfully and quickly the Thriver Way.

      Even though we may have many wounds to shift …

      I love your question, it is very valid.

      The truth is Lady Jedi no-one is going to perfectly match “who we would like them to be” … EVER! And it is ridiculous to think they should! After all, are we ever a perfect match for other people? There may be things about us they don’t agree with.

      I have many friends who have aspects of their Life I don’t agree with … however this is the thing …. we all have values that are very important to us that may be boundaries crossed if we don’t stand true.

      My example of being late for functions / events is an important value to me. Whereas how other people may parent (as an example) or how they perceive negative events in their life … may not be how I would approach things … but there is no crossing of a boundary that is impacting my life and the ability for ME to live true to my values.

      Instead it offers me the opportunity to bless everyone’s journey as perfect no matter what it is … and allow myself to simply unconditionally love. Knowing that not just can I expect other people to be perfect – it is much healthier not to judge myself the same way.

      I really do believe that if we are judging others harshly (I used to do this a lot when first in recovery!) it is because we are still not comfortable and loving with our own flaws.

      I hope this helps you feel into the subtlety of the truth of what I have written.

      Mel xo

        Lady Jedi
        April 9, 2017

        Thanks Mel for your kind reply, it does help.

        I like the distinction you make between judgement of other people’s life and asserting boundaries. In the first case, I assume, I wouldn’t be accepting myself or someone else, as you say. In the second case I’d examine whether certain patterns of behaviours of others allow me to live my truth and my self or interfere with that. I get it now! 🙂

        I am having a lot of friends and loved ones bailing on me lately but I have been realized this has been an ongoing pattern throughout my life. I feel the need to bring it to the module because it is too much of a pattern to be coincidental. I feel it is some sort of reality I am creating for myself – but I still don’t know how.

        However, at the same time I don’t think it is fair to be accepting of my friends not caring about consistency in our relationship. I want to respect other people’s space and I’ve always hated coming across as needy, so I rarely speak up, and also I understand that we all are busy etc., but I’m starting to wonder whether accepting inconsistency as “normal” is ..normal!

        Your example of your friend being always late just struck a chord with me 🙂

        I also wanted to tell you Mel that I really appreciate that you take the time to engage personally with your community. Not everyone does it, and I feel you’re very special for this reason (among others) 🙂

        Much love! xoxo

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 9, 2017

          Lady Jedi,

          you are so welcome and please know I love helping out here on the blog – it is one of my fave things to do!!

          That is wonderful you get the distinction now 🙂

          Absolutely I would take the pain of people “bailing on you” to NARP Module work because 100% when things are patterns we have matching beliefs … such as “people abandon me” “I am all alone” and again all it is is Life showing us the next belief(s) to reprogram to bring us back into alignment with the incredible life that IS our birthright!

          So … that truly is all you need to do LJ – Module it!

          And that cuts out all the “trying to figure it out”. Do any of us have the time to try to do that??!

          Bless and much love 🙂

          Mel xo

    April 8, 2017

    thnkyou for this one ..ive started the modules but this apical really hit home

    April 8, 2017

    I still have to work on listening to my innner feelings, I used to justify a lot people’s mistakes.
    Thank you, Melanie!

    April 8, 2017

    Great article Melanie! These ten steps are all beautiful and I am always waiting for Melanie’s post. It is becoming clear to me that as we start becoming more connected and loving with ourselves and love ourselves warts and all then we shift. I really love meeting myself when I am triggered. There is tremendous progress done when we shift and uplevel during our triggers. I love my triggers because I know that my inner child had come to get healed. Two days ago I became very angry and some how I started blaming my father. Then my inner child became angry and said that you are wasting your time. This trigger is there because I (my inner child) want to get love and affection from you. Now my inner child has become a thriver (my super conscious) may be and he always corrects me when I get in wrong town. He tells that I must become thriver not a victim. But he said that you should not blame others and be a victim but also love and feel the anger that has come up now. I loved my anger and welcomed it. I was with my feelings for 2-3 hours and then my anger went away. I am happy now. I am also now believing that what ever happens it is good for everyone involved. I know that my daughter is also having her soul journey and she is also on her perfect journey to get healed and healthy. I love life and God and understand that everything is unfolding perfectly. I just need to increase my capacity to be lovingly present with my inner child, feelings and emotions. The ten points came at the right time to remind me how to self partner. So within so without. I am sure everything is in prefect form and there is no need for change and everything that is changing is also changing perfectly and there is no need for it being the same. Love and blessings to Melanie and to all the members here.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2017

      Hi Saurabh,

      Thank you 🙂

      That is so fabulous that you love turning inwards when triggered that is the GREATEST key to heal, evolve and Thrive. It is so true we can’t push our emotions away to overcome them – we need to fully self-partner and heal and love them back to wholeness.

      That is where the relief and growth is.

      I love that you are moving into the space of knowing that Life supports you fully and it is all upholding perfectly.

      And so it is Saurabh.

      Blessings and love to you too.

      Mel xo

    April 9, 2017

    As always, perfect timing, Melanie!
    The universe always gives us what we need, when we need it.
    I’ve been struggling with a few of these, as they relate to my daughter, and that strong bond with her. I had already leveled up on some hard issues but this was a great reminder and much needed. I will admit what needs to be done won’t be easy, but I must stay true to me.
    Thank you! I am ever grateful for all of your i site and knowledge.

    April 9, 2017

    Dear Melanie, like you said it’s not until we are willing to lose it all (or take it all) that we are able to manifest the change. Not necessarily because we are dependant on whoever (be that a spouse, a boss, a parent) for sustenance, means of support, but also emotionally attached. In the meanwhile we resist and resist and resist, just so then (we think) we can get along like this, to our own detriment, without making waves, nor any noise, until one day we have become so sick we have to be hospitalized or die.
    Thank you soooo much for this one, before I die, I’m determined to kick ass, being “nice” hasn’t worked for me, not ever, and specially for those of us who are learned people, who internalize every emotion and justify every one else’s bad behaviour. I did psycho-therapy for years before meeting my last narc partner, I thought I was healed from abusive partners, I’d been praying to God for the same amount of time to send me a soul mate, and when I first encountered who was going to be my (10 years) last partner, I thought my prayers had been answered, –Never mind what it looks like– I used to say to my self, he is a prince in disguise, and is God’s response to your prayers, –Nothing is what it looks like– I believed, he might look like a bum but he speaks and acts like a nobleman, all he needs is a bit of your tender loving caring (TLC) attention and he’ll be fine.
    I stopped praying for things long ago, mad at God as I was, but these days I am a believer again, there was a lesson to be learnt and no matter how long it takes, the moment I realize I am fully supported at all times by angels/humans such as yourself guiding us in our darkest hours, basically the moment we chose to help ourselves (as opposed to help others), we position in a state of surrendering, all is well again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2017

      Hi Sonia,

      your story is so similar to mie and many other people! Many of us in the NARP Community had been doing TONS of work for YEARS on ourselves, and felt that our painful relationships were all in the past.

      And then we had the WORST N”s of all!

      The truth was our subconscious programs and traumas still existed wedged in our inner being – generating what belief systems do – the validity of the belief to the letter.

      So, so true Sonia this was always about choosing OURSELVES and loving these traumatised parts back to wholeness.

      It needs to be done at a deep Inner Being level for it to be real (which is what NARP produces) and then our real life begins … no matter what we previously went through.

      Mel xo

        April 10, 2017

        Thank you once more dear Melanie for being there for us, you and your marvellous team of support mean a lot to me.

    April 9, 2017

    I am recently out of what I am now understanding was a narcissisticly abusive relationship… I keep doubting that it was but then I read more and I have to accept it was…after my 15year marriage ended with two years of extremely verbally abusive treatment…and before that sexual abuse as a child.

    I cannot address the childhood stuff without blowing up families that are close to me. Can I still address it for myself. I thought I had…but then the only two relationships I’ve ever had have turned out to be abusive?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2017

      Hi Liz,

      Wishing you strength in this vulnerable time.

      Please know addressing the wounds is always done between self and self.

      What comes from that with others can be a bonus, but is in no way dependent on recovery.

      Mel xo

    Megan Zopf
    April 9, 2017

    Sometimes I wonder how you continue to find the time to post such wonderful stuff! Please know you are appreciated and loved! Thank you Mel

    April 9, 2017

    Thank you so much for this post. It’s mind blowing and makes sense. I feel afraid I won’t be able to put it into action – there seems so much to heal… My wounds are not from obvious abuse, but subtle, emotional neglect and passive aggressiveness manipulation, by people who are really, basically decent and well meaning. I end up thinking there isn’t a problem, & I’m making things up.
    I need to keep trying the NARP recordings, even if I’m not sure if I’m doing it right. Thanks again for your supportive and insightful blog posts.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2017

      Hi Anna,

      you are very welcome!

      Anna, I guess you know this – but it never hurts to hear it again.

      Any wounds are valid because they affect our life and hold us back. It is never about “how they go there” it is just about getting them up and out and replacing them with wellbeing which is the QFH process.

      Please come into the Forum to get support and coaching with your NARP work – you don’t have to do this alone, and it will help so much!

      Mel xo

        April 11, 2017

        Thank you Melanie, it does help to hear it ! x

    April 10, 2017

    Dear Mel,
    This blog came just at the right time.
    I left the ex narcissist a few years before finding narp. Before I came into the NARP program I was doing a meditation program and my affirmation was written beautifully and placed all around my house and car. It was ‘put myself first and follow my joy’. In reading your blog today I remembered this, and realise what a journey it is for Life to answer our wishes, and that our requests are all met…maybe in unexpected ways.
    I feel that much of the inner work I’ve done in my life has led me to this program. It is certainly the only effective sure fire thing I have encountered that gives undeniable benefits that I can feel, see, touch and hold in my life- I just can’t deny the results.
    And in this last week I’ve had the space to look at self care and putting self first to a different degree. My parents unexpectedly offered to take my daughter and her cousin away for the weekend just gone, which was lovely, and I was left with an empty space inside me when they left as I hadn’t planned to be by myself. It was a gift, but I was lost and large Saturday morning asked clearly- I need to look after me and use this time to be nice to me….how do I do that…where do I start?
    And there was this blog!
    So thank you….it is opening another door and another healing pathway at a more subtle level to the triggers I’d been healing associated with narcissistic abuse.
    Thank you Mel.

    I have a little question as an aside.
    I am that person who is chronically late. Ihave shame about it. It’s something I know have to change for my life to be different. I’ve moduled it and I’ve put effort into it-daily-..I’ve been on my knees about it and the more effort I put into it the worse it gets. It’s a form of self sabotage (I could even say self hatred) and a huge source of daily anxiety and I’m not sure what to do about it to change for good.
    Any ideas, Mel?
    (As I write this I feel the shame and will take that to a module, and the next time it happens when I’m late, I have realised right now that the anxiety that comes up at that time I would do well to do s module on that anxiety then and there. )

    Thanks again for this blog and being part of my universe!


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2017

      Hi Suzi,

      I am so pleased it did for you.

      I am so pleased NARP is granting you the breakthroughs you have wanted. And how wonderful in the “space” this blog came for you to help take you to the next level of self-partnering.

      Suzi re the chronically late “thing” … I would fully, FULLY meet it in you body, the shame of it, the trauma of it.

      Target “ancient” – because I feel this is something deep. Conjure up the anxiety, track back and go for it.

      Please know you can always get invaluable coaching on any wound you are shifting in the NARP Forum.

      I’d love to know how you go Suzi!

      Mel xo

    April 10, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    It is such a gift the self awareness of self partnering when feeling aligned within yourself and when you feel emotional triggered to shift and up level back to alignment, the core issue has being the struggle with letting go of old emotional patterns such as abandonment, panic, fear of the unknown, resentment, judgement and self doubt it is more a transition feeling of embracing the joy and abundance of the aligned self now and the shadow feeling of the old self creeping in to pull you back when feeling triggered with the old beliefs it is great to just shift them doing the modules knowing the abundant self is waiting for you on the other side and you mentioned number 6 it was also a struggle of putting yourself first which is through feeling aligned it is important for healing yourself to heal others. Thank you Melanie for being our angel of light?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2017

      Hi Healing Path,

      It truly is so much easier to meet load up and release negative emotion than try to wrestle it to the ground with a new way of being!

      When it’s released – it’s just gone and the space for the new becomes available.

      That is so wonderful HP that you re meeting the abundant self on the other side!

      It’s my pleasure and bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 10, 2017

    ”Any embraced wound is an expression of our Divinity.” Preach Melanie, preach!

    I too have a close friend who’s been terminally tardy with ”legitimate” reasons. I would become irritated but tolerated this behavior for years because I rationalized that it was my ego being triggered since she had ”legitimate” reasons. Last month she and I had a heart to heart where I expressed how it made me feel (i.e. my time wasn’t valued nor was I being made a priority in the same way I was prioritizing her). She was not offended. Initially, she responded that it may be a compatibility issue, but later acknowledged it as a violation. I wish I had this conversation years ago, it would’ve save unnecessary irritation!

    KNOWING the difference between an egoic need and true self need is becoming more clear to me as my boundaries strengthen. I’m still a work in progress but am on my way!

    Thank you for your wisdom!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2017

      Hi Resilient,

      I LOVE That you showed up as a mature adult in your body having the conversation that needed to be had.

      That is such a sign of true evolution Dear One!

      And such a RELIEF when we have cleared enough trauma from within – that was sabotaging us and causing us to hand power away – to do it!

      Yaya!! Keep up the great work 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 27, 2017

    Thanks for this show. I have listened to it several times, and find it very helpful. I have a question. I am in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers. He is not a narcissist, but there are similarities, which is how I ended up here. I am wondering if the NARProgram would be appropriate for me? I feel like I must leave this relationship, but I am not sure how to do it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2017

      Hi Ren,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      The NARP Program Ren is recovery from any painful, disappointing or abusive relationship – regardless of “who” that person is.

      The answer is absolutely “Yes”.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    June 5, 2017

    This is a fantastic, empowering article! (These are things that I’m working on, working on myself, facing early trauma wounds and healing.) Thank you for writing and sharing this.

    June 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I’m very new here and one of the ‘Guys’ , and learning a lot, fast.
    I have also been in a living (and a few times almost Dying) hell.
    Some time ago (a few years) i was ‘hooked’into extremes of love-bombing that i had never experienced before and truly like a serious addict, i was gone.
    It pulled me out of my home, away from my beautiful children, and before i knew it, my ability to choose where to be and what to do, was gone!

    Very long story short, as i realized the kind of person she was, i tried to break away, but couldnt! Many tries later, much evidence piling up, much rage aggression and devaluation later, my soul was lost and torn beyond belief. Still i couldn’t get out. Hoping something would change.
    Anyway, much damage to myself and my Family later, a fewweeks ago after SO long seeing psychiatrists, psychologists, even hypnotists, etc, and searching online frantically for answers or help, i came across your site and the concept NPD etc. I was truly shocked at the sheer amount of people sharing so MANY similarities and symptoms!! after losing myself, my mind, attempted suicide, and continuing suicidal, all this info online kinda saved my life and showed me there is a way out.

    So i acted on it and A few days ago i went completely silently blackout No-Contact , but also then told my Family the truth.
    Im still newly out and have no resources but just moment to moment in mental care units.
    I am starting and tryingto work myself out, and deal with fears including the widespread Consequences of the years of MY lies to maintain that false life.
    My Family doesnt really believe these things im telling them about what i was stuck in (despite givig them articles and trying to explain, to them its a “convenient excuse for the years of lies”), and Why, and to make it worse, my abuser placed missing person alerts on social media etc! So now my Family has to face THAT embarrassment together with all else!
    I have told them the indescribable shame and guilt i have / have had, and now theyre also pulled into the ‘ line of fire’ .
    I suspect this action was retaliation (on a global scale) against me just ‘disappearing’, or maybe possibly actual concern? Who knows…

    Im Trying to work on me now. Dig in and find what those Unhealed/Broken parts are that made ME susceptible.

    I really really am so grateful what ive learnt so far, and continue Trying.

    Again THANK YOU!

      August 9, 2017

      What struck me the most when I finally told people that my marriage was a made up sham, that I was emotionally abused from day one, while at the same time being swept off my feet, was that people refused to believe me. Instead they felt sorry for my then husband. I still find it hard to come to terms with the fact that everyone still feels sorry for him, yet I too suffered the devastating loss of my marriage. The fact that a five year intervention order was involved still didn’t resonate with people, it only made them pity my ex more. Yet the intervention order made it feel more like a death than a marriage breakdown, I couldn’t have grieved more if he had died. I’m not surprised this has happened, my ex did a complete smear job on his ex before me. We all agreed that she was the bitch from hell, especially me. So it was only logical that I Was going to be tarnished with the same brush. But still, it’s gobsmacking to me that ‘blame the victim’ rules, it’s a very sad reflection of our society.

    August 9, 2017

    I think ATM my greatest challenge is to actually work out what it is that I’m feeling! I was raised by a narcissist mother who never allowed me to have feelings. I thought abuse was normal so just about each and every relationship I’ve had has been emotionally abusive, certainly my feelings weren’t ever a consideration. So at 68 I’m am finally owning and allowing feelings! It’s pretty good, I’ll be glad when I arrive at the stage where I know exactly what I’m feeling and why. I’ve been in cognitive behaviour therapy since ending my 15 year marriage with my narcissist two and a half years ago. But the idea of self partnership really resonates with me. I think it’s what I’ve e been looking for. So thanks for all your work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Lia,

      thank you for your post – and I’d love to share with you my take on this – our feelings.

      When we shift trauma out of our being we just start feeling healthy, happy and vibrant as well as wise.

      Before then (I did therapy for ages too!) we are trying to work out what we feel and who we are whilst the trauma inside us still remains and is AFFECTING how we feel, show up and live and love.

      I just really do believe that now with Quantum Tools there is much easier way to “work it out” … literally “release it out” .. and then there is nothing to work out. And that is most wonderful part about self-partnering!

      I hope this makes sense 🙂

      And you are so welcome Lia, I so hope my work helps you.

      Mel xo

    September 10, 2017

    Myself and my friend have been asking ‘how’ from reading your great articles…we are both experiencing the greatest process of exposing and clearing out debris and your explanations and clarity have helped that process in totally divine ways, time and time again. We even have our ex partners popping out the woodwork to give us more healing opportunities! I wouldn’t be half as delighted about that if it weren’t for your sharing of insights. Thankyou. We will be signing up to your programme and working on it together soon. Many many blessings for the work your doing and the path your on. I too hope to bring my light through my traumatic experiences to help in the future, when my healing is at a significant point. ???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2017

      Hi Jo,

      That is so wonderful that you are your friends are evolving and healing!

      You are so welcome and it will be lovely to have you all as NARPers in our wonderful Community.

      You absolutely are a lightbringer Jo, I have no doubt.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 11, 2018

    absolute confirmation….I am willing to lose it all to get it all… and uplevel more, shift out the bits of trauma still stuck inside me… my inner and outer worlds meet in my work situation. been doing Narp since July 2015 I self partner all the time……left a job with a very toxic boss after 5 years, without another one lined up. trusting for that miracle. Narp is wonderful. I will now concentrate on uplevelling my work environment which has been narc/toxic infested in previous jobs ive had too……time to uplevel in this area now… and work the modules and life works for you. such gratitude for this life changing work, for Mel, her team and all the wonderful Narpers on the forum.

    April 12, 2018

    Tremendous post. One thing I struggle with is this: How do we know whether a need is coming from a place of fear and pain, that is, the ego? If our ultimate self is already love, isn’t every need on some level egoic? Does that mean we should reject our needs so as to not feed the ego? My experience has been that as I’ve developed more self-love and better boundaries, it has become easier to sense what is healthy and what is not, what is a reasonable request and what is not.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 12, 2018

      Hi Lu,

      An extension of a desire from True Self is ‘more of us’ showing up. I feels warm, expansive, natural and inspirational to do! And we have no attachment to the outcome because we already feel like we ‘are’ that thing.

      A need coming from the ego feels anxious, needy, desperate even. And we feel like ourselves or some aspect of our lives will not be whole unless we ‘get’ that thing.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

        April 12, 2018

        Yes, that does help! I’ve found that as I clear trauma and feel less self-doubt, the distinctions become easier… It’s good to hear you confirm this. Thank you!! xo

          April 12, 2018

          I want to say another heartfelt thank you for being as engaged with the community as you are. As Lady Jedi said, not everyone does it. I can’t think of another person who engages in such a compassionate and consistent way with his/her audience across *any* self-help community. You’re incredible. 🙂

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            April 13, 2018

            Thank you for your kind words Lu.

            I love being connected in this way.

            Bless you.

            Mel xo

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 13, 2018

          It’s my pleasure Lu.

          So pleased this helped 😀

          Mel xo

        June 6, 2019

        It sounds like you are still a little stuck let me help. Having an ego and needs is normal. Your ID has been engaged by being around a narc. Narcs both consciously and unconsciously tap into your fears and anger[childhood and otherwise] and exploit to their means. They attempt to program you to attend to their needs and not your own. Anything they can do to do that they will do. Do not put anything beyond a desperate narc In essence they cant control themselves and will be happy to control you. The fact that you need to ask if your needs are from your ego or legitimate are telling. You have lots of self doubt left. Ask yourself is what I need legitimate will it hurt someone or myself. If the answer to the first is yes and the answer to the last two are no then its a legitimate need.Bascially narcs are parasitical brainwashing con artists with no real morality or emotions. Especially the covert ones. For what its worth overt narcs aren’t always overt narcs some are mislabeled and misdiagnosed. They have dealt with narcs so long their personality is fractured. When in rome you get the drift.

    April 12, 2018

    Hi again, Mel. As I read through the comments, I realized that my questions in my previous reply/post were basically the same as Lady Jedi’s, and that you had already responded. Thank you, guiding light.

    Future Thriver
    December 7, 2018

    Hi Mel. You and all that you do is truly a blessing to this world. So thank you 🙏

    For many years, I’ve believed in “The Secret”/ Law of attraction, and finally I realize that those methods set us up to forget about what’s wrong with us, focus on the “good”, and guess what- it surely only provides temporary relief and sets us up for further disappointment.

    The primary reason why I am not self-partnered is because I viewed/am still viewing myself as defective from a physical point of view. It’s extremely painful looking in the mirror and realizing “wow, I really don’t measure up to society’s stsndards of physical ‘beauty'” – it’s a crazy, painful thing… it’s about feeling that I can only be loved if someone else finally comes and accepts my flaws.

    My 3 year relationship with my ex Narc went abit like this – feeling lovable and beautiful to once again feeling defective in those devalue stages of the relationship

    Because I am only starting Narp from next year onwards, I was wondering how I can tackle that insecurity starting NOW? Sure, I have thoughts of cosmetic surgery (ha ha), but this would just set me up for continuous pain as I wait for that moment…

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