The ultimate insult to a narcissist is to be in the presence of someone who’s not scared of them, hooked in by them and who doesn’t fall for their bluff and bullying.
It takes real courage to be that person.
It takes real courage to move past the terror the narcissist has so skillfully instilled in you.
It takes real courage to recognize that a False Self can’t give you the love, approval, security, and survival you are seeking.
Let me show you how to be that courageous person so that you can stand in your truth.
So, to finally cut out all the word salad, truth inversions, confusion, pain, and fear of what a narcissist could do to you, watch today’s Thriver TV episode. In this new video I explain what it takes to stand up to abusive behavior and how it plays out with a real-life example from a courageous Thriver.
Video Transcript
Today, I want to talk to you about courage, how to stand up to a narcissist, what that looks like and how it plays out. But before I do, I just want to remind you if you’re new to my channel, and if you like my content, please subscribe. Also like and share this video and transcript with people who it can help, and your communities.
How To Break Through The Terror
How can you break through the terror to discover just how powerless a narcissist really is? First, I need to help you understand how we got here. Now, this is kind of important, so just hang with me. Let’s imagine that you drove your car and you got into a bog, you got it bogged (stuck in the mud or sand). If you don’t realize how you got bogged, you may not get your car out of it.
This is why I want to talk to you about how and why narcissists are in our life to understand how you get out of it.
This is what I believe – narcissists infiltrate our lives because we’ve forgotten who we are. We’ve forgotten our connection to Source, our Soul Source, our True Self connection. Narcissists are a False Self. They’re a false authority. They sidle up to us and they slip in pretending to be something we want in order to feel more whole and happy.
Things like love, approval, security, and survival. Unfortunately, and this was unconscious, we didn’t know yet that we had the power independent from them to seek out, know and create the things that are going to make us whole for ourselves.
Let me give you some really simple examples. Let’s say someone who feels brokenhearted and is on their own, and they haven’t yet come into their Source, God consciousness connection. Now this isn’t religious, this is just about a higher power and a wholeness and a peace within.
So, this is somebody who has an issue – which was all of us, and where I was too – and hasn’t yet discovered those delicious feelings of Life Force and love, and appreciation, and inner wholeness, which is all of our natural states without fear, and pain, and separation from Source. If we are living separated from Source, we’re literally separated from our own Soul. And we are really, really susceptible without knowing it, trying to get peace, comfort, wholeness, and feelings of love and safety from outside of ourselves.
What we do in those states is we unconsciously without knowing it, accept in False Sources who are a false light. They’re not True Sources. This is the starting point, because if we’re not willing to look at this clearly and not understand how this happened, it really means we’re not on the football field, let alone near the goals. And I was that person because it’s our normal – we don’t know any different.
Narcissists feed off this. They literally hunt for you. If you’re in fear and you’re empty, and you haven’t come home to yourself and your Source Soul connection, then you are not filled and whole and self-generative. This was all of us. This was our normal. It’s not natural, but it was our normal.
That means there’s this gap and a narcissist can come along and promise you love, approval, security, and survival – they’re big and shiny. And what happens is unconsciously they feel like our saviour. It’s like we’re still a child in our body and it’s like a parent, a big protective loving parent that’s going to come and grant us this and we fall for it.
Now, what happens is we’ve become hooked on that, that love, that approval from the narcissist or the security, the survival, all of those things that we didn’t know we could provide for ourselves through Source. And because you’re hooked, a narcissist can start demeaning you, accusing you and shaming you.
The reason they’re doing this is because they’re wanting to control you to agree with and go along with their version of things, which is inverted. It’s not loving. It’s self-serving for them, and it’s mining and exploiting you so that they can get what they want and literally suck you dry.
They start demeaning, abusing and accusing you. And your body knows that it’s wrong, that they’re shaming you back into agreeing with them. We do it because we see them as our Source and we’re seeking love and approval from them again.
These are trauma bonds, and as the abuse and the trauma bonds deepen, the narcissist can actually do a lot more of the abusing and much less of the love and approval. So at the start, you were love bombed, and there was a ton of love and approval, and you didn’t see the abusing, but the script gets flipped and then there’s much more of the abusing and they only have to throw you a tiny bit of love and approval to keep you there.
Seeking Security And Survival
Now, let’s look at security and survival. If you don’t believe that you have the capacity to generate your own security and survival, it means is that you’re going to stay connected to people that are hurting you to try to stay safe. You may go along with them, appeasing them, agreeing with what they’re saying rather than stepping back and seeking out responsibly and methodically what YOUR truth is.
It could be a business partner that may come into our lives and say, “Well, I have the goods and I can get you these contacts. You really need me because this is my area of expertise.” It’s really like the expression that if you’re hungry, you’re going to make a really bad grocery shopper because rather than take your time and go down the aisles to the organic produce and think about your macros and your nutrients and what’s going to be healthy, you’re just going to shove junk food into your cart.
This is what we do when we feel empty and needy and not connected to Source – we just believe people, we don’t apply critical thinking and we don’t take responsibility to make wise, safe choices. Narcissists can come into your life pretending they have the goods, that they can increase your safety, your resources, and your wellbeing with no real evidence. It’s a whole lot of smoke and mirrors.
You may go along by thinking that they’re an authority to be trusted. We all know – those of us who’ve been narcissistically abused, whether it be a friendship or in a work situation or a business, or in a personal relationship – the results are disastrous. You get emptied out and your security and survival, and your self-esteem and health end up in the gutter.
What’s happened is the narcissist has exploited you at significant cost to you and they’ve been able to further their own self-serving agenda because that’s what narcissists do. They steal your Life Force, your property, your resources, and pretty much anything that they can get from you as well as your Soul. And mind you, this is what we have to realize, if you took your time observing people before committing and really searched it out, you would find a trail of destruction, disasters, conflicting information, and maybe even criminal behaviour.
You would know that this is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. But here it is – if we’re too distracted with our everyday life, we can be asleep at the wheel. Regarding – and here’s the really important part – the responsibility to be your own Source diligently. It’s no one else’s job to be your authority other than you as an adult in your own body.
We haven’t realized that. Until you do realize that, you could be susceptible to being mined and harvested by a narcissist. Now, I’ve started with this for a very, very, very good reason, because how do we snap out of our fear with narcissists? How do we get the courage to fight back?
How Do We Snap Out Of Our Fear And Fight Back?
We do it by taking back our power. By setting the scene to help you understand how we got into this mess will help you understand how you get the courage to get out of it.
First, you have the courage to see the truth to stand up to a narcissist. Here’s the truth, this person does not have your best interest at heart. This person is not interested in making deals with you, modifying their behaviour, starting to act like a nice human being and changing so that you can have some sort of love approval, security, and survival.
This person is not even interested in granting you some peace and leaving you alone without getting the ego feed of keeping you traumatized and unable to get on with your life. Even if they finally discard you.
Now, this is the creepy truth about narcissists – they implant traumas into you that literally mean that they are living on inside of you, even if you get away from them. So there is no closure, peace, or healing that you are going to get from the narcissist whatsoever. This is important to understand. You can’t make a deal with them. You can’t get closure with them. You can’t get them to right their wrongs. Please know that.
Now, going back to the start where we handed over being our own healthy Source – we gave this responsibility to a False Source. So to have the courage to stand up to a narcissist, you have to stop looking to this person for your salvation. Stop looking to them for anything that will make you feel better. Stop trying to make deals. You may think the courage to stand up to a narcissist means sitting them down, getting your point across having a voice and being heard … it’s not.
Every attempt you make to do that is twisted and turned in a word salad, flung back in your face and used to trigger you emotionally down some other track where the narcissist can spin you into their web again, and emotionally keep mining you. As the decent individual that you are, you have no skills in this arena. For a narcissist, it’s their run of the mill sport. It’s their disgraceful superpower. It’s where they Thrive in the environment.
So stop trying to negotiate. Let go. That’s how you start to build up the courage inside of you by taking your power back. Stop participating. Stop believing anything they say, promise, or even do. Even if a narcissist lightens up or grants you something you want, it’s actually only a sideways move to get ready to take you down even further again.
You have to face that truth. You have to know your enemy. You have to accept what you’re up against.
Changing The Battle
Now, I’m going to talk to you about changing the battle. In any battle, you need a goal. What is the end result you want? Here, your goal is to take back your Soul and your life. Your stand against the narcissist is the word NO. What does NO mean? It means NO more. It means I NO longer participate with this garbage.
How do you stand up to a narcissist? You have to change the rules of the fight. You take it from direct personal conflict onto the true battlefield where it’s really going on – this is a spiritual war. It is a spiritual war. It’s an energetic, emotional, spiritual, unseen war of light versus dark that you’re actually engaged in.
Now, you know that you have felt like you have a dark ink running through your veins. This is not normal. This is not logical. You’ve had the creepy sensation of feeling like your Life Force is being sucked out of you. This is a spiritual war. I’m not meaning that this is religious. It’s energetic. What I really mean is, what’s happening inside of you is about your beingness. If you are handing your Life Force to a narcissist, you can’t stand up to them and you will fear them.
You fear that they can mess with your levels of love, approval, security, and survival, because they are the Source of these things to you. They’re not. It’s a lie. It’s an inversion of the truth.
Your true spiritual war is with your emotions regarding this because this is where your reality unfolds from. It’s your e-motion, energy in motion. It’s Quantum – stay with me – you are in a battle for your Soul. Every time the narcissist can hook you in and trigger you into distress and unfairness, and feelings of abuse and helplessness and hopelessness and victimization, and injustice, he or she is ripping out and sucking up pieces of your Life Force. You know how it feels.
You may think this is dramatic, but every single one of you knows what I’m saying is the truth because you felt it. Now, here’s the deal – these people are only powerful in your life when you haven’t taken back your own Inner Being Source Soul connection, your own autonomous power and truth and connection to Source. And when you haven’t positioned or valued your Soul as your authority – that’s when you’ve handed a power over.
Source Soul connection is your authority. Here’s the thing, the narcissist has had to convince you that they are the centre of your universe and that you have no connection through your Source and your Soul. You don’t have access to unlimited permutations without them, which you do. There is endless unlimited possibilities and miracles and all of the available resources of Source and life to back you up when you connect to your true Source Soul, autonomous being.
When we’re being narcissistically abused, we forget the coded inner cellular truth that we all know when we remember who we really are. Who you really are is an unlimited being with unlimited avenues, potential synchronicity of miracles available when you let go of false Sources that have inverted the truth of life and release yourself and do the inner work to diligently return to the truth.
What Does Courage Look Like Against A Narcissist?
This true story from a NARP member portrays it perfectly. This beautiful NARP member still lived with a narcissist. She moved into another bedroom and stopped communicating with him. Step number one. He raged and guilted her to trigger her with the things that he was saying by trying to get the kids against her and she didn’t respond. She didn’t bite. Then what she did is she went to her bedroom and she addressed and released those trigger parts of herself with NARP Module Number One, and then it didn’t affect her. When he’d do it, she felt benign. She felt nothing.
He then started love bombing her and pleading with her promising to change. She said, “NO” didn’t respond and she went and did Module Six work of NARP so that she didn’t feel responsible for him. Then that didn’t affect her, didn’t trigger her, didn’t hook her in.
He then ghosted her and started dating other women in front of her. He was on the phone with them and on dating apps. She didn’t get hooked in even though it really hurt. So, she went to her bedroom again and cleared masses of trauma and fear with Module One and Module Nine of NARP until it didn’t affect her. Emotionally, it was benign.
He then threatened her that he would take the kids and the house, which triggered more stuff. She went and cleared more fear and pain with Module Four and Module Eight of NARP. Then he got a solicitor and started threatening her. She kept clearing pain and fear, more Module Eight stuff, and could just say to him without an emotional reaction, “Fine, I’ll see you in court.”
He then pushed her physically and it really scared her. She went to her bedroom. She did Module One and Module Eight work, and then confronted him staying strong in her own body. She looked him in the eyes and said, “If you dare lay one hand on me again, I’m calling the police and I’m going to charge you.” It was full fearless ferocity. She was like a lioness. He didn’t respond. He backed off and she said no more.
Shortly after that, he packed his bags and he left. He’d previously said to her, “I’m not leaving the house. You have to leave.” She filed with her solicitor to sell the house and settle. He ended up agreeing to everything. She got a great settlement and she got the custody that she wanted with her children.
He didn’t fight back against a thing. Why not? Because she didn’t fear him. She stood up to him. It didn’t matter what he tried to do to trigger, threaten, or otherwise. She kept releasing her fear and pain about all and any of it and kept filling up with Source, which is that Source Soul connection, which is courage. What is courage? Walking your truth. That’s what courage is. She’d shifted out of the woman who used to hand power away to him and she took her power back.
It’s the ultimate insult and it’s literally a terror to a narcissist to be in the presence of someone who’s not scared of them, hooked in by them and who doesn’t fall for their bluff and bullying. I want you to think of vampires and how they react in the presence of a great shining light – they shriek and they have to get out of there.
Narcissists cannot exist in the force of a True Self light. I really want you to understand that. You get to understand that when you’re a True Self light, being a True Self means that everything that’s false can’t stand and cannot defeat you. You might think it’s cliché that the light wins, but it does.
I hope that’s explained the deeper Quantum Truths about where your courage really, really comes from.
I really want to recommend to you that if you don’t know how to take that journey back to True Self and Source, please sign up for my 16-day free course, because it’s going to start unraveling this to you.
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Hi Melanie,
Seeking my inner child and embracing him 👨👦 with 💞👨👧👦💞 love is becoming a passageway to real ❤️ Love for us both….in that “state” I am able to have with abndance the courage to BELIEVE that all will be well… and I know I can take my power back! 🙌 Gratefully I have learned this “The Quantum Way” from you and others in NARP…. thank you so much for everything that you did, today, for so many of us! PS! I’m really starting to like Instagram more and more! ❤️🦋❤️
Hey Peter,
please know how welcome you are!
Love you are loving Insta!
I’m enjoying the new channel and vibe!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie,
Could this be your most powerful message yet? What beautifully laid out explanations!
I love that you remind us not to get engaged in ‘fighting’ the Narc or with the Narc.
The “NO” is for US. WE have to get it. Narcs can’t hear, see, or understand anything. But we can, and we must – and now we know what we need to look for: OUR Source. The fountain of Life where we came from and which we can return to for sustenance for our soul.
When we say “NO” to Narc conditions of human existence, we say “YES” to the Divine Reality that is already here. That reality becomes our tangible experience. Life’s ready when we are.
Here’s to “YES”.
Hi Iris,
maybe 🙂
I love how you are fully on this ride with me!
It’s unlimited … and YES it is time to say YES to the Divine.
Mwah darling lady!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is so awesome!! Exactly what I needed to hear. Just out of my second relationship with a Narc, first overt then covert. Am doing the program, have been since the overt, but obviously had more to learn. Really feel like I’m finally getting it on a quantum level, and it feels so good! Am feeling more powerful and amazing every day. Thank you Mel ❤️
Yaya Dana!
I’m thrilled you are loving your NARP growth journey!
Many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
The narcissistic stepson is incensed that I no longer bend over backwards trying please him to gain his approval and deflect his abusive behaviour. I’m just very cool to him. He’s trying to up the ante with his mom; he “doesn’t feel able to bring his kids to visit any more.” Of course this creates more havoc for her, for which I feel sorry. She has a trauma bond to sort out with him. But I’ve stepped away from the insanity. I’m done. I just enjoy the very good relationship I have with my sane stepson (his brother) now.
Hi Rich,
well done in your detachment and allowing others to do their own healing dance.
You are leading with an awesome example!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I donot agree with you. I was scared ,co-dependent and i knew that she was cold,no emotion,no empathy etc. they were never real. They are full of shame and low-self esteem.I adored her, and she abusedme.I get it now,after learning what they are about.But i am a very spiritual person, and i am and was as close to god in the relationship,as i am now. I was self confident and i was very very close to God. God is the most important thing in my life.You alk bullshit.The lord has always been my source. Iam very popular secure sure of myself tough and most important very healthy.I have been in recovery for 38 years.Y are wrong about alot of things.i dont know where you got all this stuff. I donot think you are very healthy,and your hurting people not helping them Stop.
The beauty of NARP is God is very present in our module work. I feel God lead me to this program as I was praying for guidance. Telling a person they are not healthy and to stop, is maybe what you might consider saying to your Narcissist. But as we have learned in our Thriver program, they can’t hear such a request and you only hurt yourself by staying or trying to convince them to change their ways. Right now I am trying not to listen to the screaming next door of a married couple who fight nightly. She is trying to tell him what’s wrong with him while he defends himself. I have my earphones on, but they go on and on. Same tired tirades I used to be involved in with my ex. NARP has helped me, not hurt me. I am finding so much right in healing, not wrong. This program allows our own devotions and does not set up idolatry or any “stuff”, instead it provides the opportunity to self reflect and connect with God and let go of the years of trauma. I pray your 38 years in recovery helps you to encourage others with the wisdom you have gained.
I feel sorry for your distress. Melanie’s content has helped millions of bewildered, confused and often chronically ill people (after years of this treatment by another). Her work does not replace religious spirituality. “Not knowing where she gets this stuff from”, it’s from a place of experience and total brokenness (study her story, journey of healing and comments of support from people who have been in the same boat).
From the content of this particular video I should be not engaging with your comment but if you have been in recovery for 38 years I truly urge you not to prolong the suffering and do the Narp program. This is from a position of compassion.
Dear Dave, if you are still in recovery after 38 years you have not healed. When you are healed and whole there is no need to suffer the effects of narcissism. Perhaps you are not listening to what God is trying to tell you. On the other hand, if your relationship to God is as deep as you seem to think it is, then I’m sure you don’t need to be listening to bullshit from anyone! Either way, you have no right to damn another person for speaking their truth. That kind of behaviour is not becoming of a spiritually evolved person. Certainly God would never treat any of his beloved in that way and neither should you. With love for your highest good 🙂
Hello Dave,
You are of course, completely free to disagree.
May it be well with you on your healing journey.
All the best to you going forward.
This is something I’m going through right now I am in the same house as the narc but not the same room , I no longer fear him and his disapproval of me , no longer believe his lies ,no longer worry what his next move is and definitely have learned to say no , he hates it. He tries to real me back in ,tries love bomb me ,tries to make me feel bad about myself when I stand up to him or disagree with him , but he no longer has that power over me . It took me sometime but I can see him now for what he is , his mask is off , he can’t fool me anymore , I know him and he isn’t my source , I don’t need his love and approval , and I no longer except his reality as truth , it’s been all lies and I see it all now and no longer except that . I love myself , I know what is right , I know what I worth and I know it’s something he can never give or have , he doesn’t want peace and partnership or love , I don’t believe he can ever feel that but it’s no longer my burden to bear , I’m beating him at his game . It’s not easy he’s so good at being a narc but it feels so good to wake up and and see things clearly for what they were and take my power back home to myself .
Hi Rebecca,
you’re doing such a good job.
You should be very proud of you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Such Perfect Timing and such perfect reminder.
Does this standing up also work for the people in the bog, the ones who may not be narcissists but have been manipulated and are controlled in order to threaten big loss, like in custody, and cause stress? Should these NARC servants be dealt with in a more engaging way? …by just clearing the stress to be in your truth and peace and trusting they don’t really have power to harm you or your family?
I think I know the answer but it would be great to hear it from you to be sure about facing the ones that are aligned with the NARC. Can I get away with ignoring them too and going out to play in my creative joy instead?.
I am so filled with tingly gratitude and gladness for you and your work in this world. Thank You!!
Hi Doug,
The work done in NARP increases clarity. We get clearer and clearer about our own connection to our TRUE Source. So we can intuit when anything is off – regardless of who it is.
With NARP we face the unease (or trigger) , clear it, and fill up with understanding – in order to respond unfazed to any challenge. This is how we stay away from confusion and self deception. We tune in and trust our newly sharpened intuition. We learn to not disregard ourselves.
But, in general, the focus is on ourselves, not on trying to get other people to get it – not just Narcs.
WE have to GET it.
Hope that helps.
Hi Doug, great question.
The bottom line and truth is honour your soul – and you honour life and others in honourable ways.
This relates to everything and everyone.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Melanie,
I have experienced Narc abuse in my young adult life and am now in my mid 40’s and did get the NARP some time ago and have only done a few shifts. I have discovered through your program and therapy that I have had dysfunctional and disordered family members from my origins. I took a look at your Family Origins Wounds course and wanted to know if that is where I should start as I had narcissistic female family members who were mental. Can I use both and is there a discount for existing customers if I was to purchase this program too?
Carey
Hi Carey,
my highest recommendation is NARP as the foundation to heal and then Transforming Family of Wounds Origins.
I hope that this helps!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Having almost come through the other side after 2 narcissistic relationships that followed on one from the other , both quite different but 100% everything NARP has made me realise they were this blog made me feel empowered and alive today. I realised I had taken back my power – but I know just how hard it had been and still entering year 5 need daily to push myself on. So I feel proud today listening to this. I lost everything twice, home, job, car…..financial security but most devastating my children, and almost my sanity but I’m here to tell the tale and though I am still healing I am starting to thrive. I have it all back again but in my own way by my own merits – hope like Melanie I will be able to help others one day and I wish I had known about NARP during those times….but grateful to have found it after I got away. Support is needed long after they have gone. Sending love to all.
Hi Angela,
you should be so proud of yourself after what you have been through to stand breathing, vertical, and be dedicated to your healing.
Sending you love, support and continued breakthroughs.
It’s so gorgeous that you are sending love to others! Thank you 🙂
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This was a very informative video and I thank you Melanie for providing it to the community. It can be confusing when dealing with a narcissist at first because the things they do are horrible and anyone could be easily triggered by them if they didn’t know the person is a narcissist. We do often look outside ourselves for love and approval and the narcissist is at the ready to give it us, until they aren’t. I have been doing the modules and I would say it is a gradual process for me of realizing how insignificant these narcs truly are. But I am realizing it, and I have had periods in which their antics don’t bother me at all. I always thought the way to heal was to 1. Have the narcissist leave me alone 2. Work on myself, but now I would say it is the opposite- 1) Just work on myself… and then the narcissist leaves you alone. Thanks for the message!! Wish everyone well on their healing journey.
Hi Molly,
WOW! How beautiful that you are anchoring into your own power!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
It was a partner, it lingers as a sister. With my calm exasperation, as I have “raised my lion’s mane” (lioness and lion, what a great metaphor for this!) with the courage to stand up to the bullying, dump trucks of bullshit and lies, to a person who acts somewhere between a child and downright broken, I’m not only getting a “backdown” by this sister, but respect and politeness (first time in years!) from our younger sister who has been her flying monkey her whole life.
This is but a tiny swing of momentum in my direction, but as I begin to apply more NARP healing to these situations when they try to confront me with this tired nonsense, the whole parable of “vampires shrieking from the sunlight” unfolds before me!
We can heal here; we do heal here.
I wish strength, happiness and thriving to all who read and post here.
In my situation our son is being emotionally abused by his Narcissistic wife and has been beaten down for 14 years. In the beginning of their marriage, he was the strong one. A devoted, faithful Christian man. After their first child, she changed and began her controlling manipulative Narcissistic emotionally abusive ways. After all these years of shaming and belittling and emasculating him, he is but a shadow of who he was. He has gone from frantic fear of her leaving with their 4 children, to now beginning to stand up and fight. It will be a long fight back to who he was. But in contrast to what you have said, he was a secure, self aware man. He was a very strong, secure, man of God. I tell you this to help others to know that the effects of the abuse can also wear down a once strong person, to almost nothing! The cost of a sweet, pure, kind heart, that was totally taken advantage of for many years. It was very difficult for him to harden his heart against her. Such a long journey. Our poor grandkids! We pray and try and stand up! Your tips truly do help though. We just don’t all fit the cookie cutter mold that you speak about.
I am suing a narcissist who has conned me into parting with a lot of money. My barrister is clear this is perfectly acceptable, but I feel like a bitch. 🤷🏼♀️