It’s such a happy day when you can say “No” confidently, or at least with a great deal less fear! I want to help you with that, which is why I have written this article about the 7 ways to say “No” to people who won’t respect your boundaries.
So many of us have struggled to say “No”. We may have been taught that it is disrespectful. That it’s much safer not to rock the boat. Or people may not love and approve of us if we don’t just say “Yes” to keep them happy.
I think it is very safe to say that those of us who have struggled with narcissistic abuse and had our boundaries smashed have found it difficult to define our own boundaries, implement them and make our limits stick. When we tried to set them, the pushback, friction and even downright abuse was so impactful that we just gave up.
As children it was extremely difficult to say “No”. Maybe love was withdrawn. Perhaps we were rejected. We quite possibly learnt that if we didn’t comply with what somebody else demanded, that the price to pay, including punishment, was just too great.
This is why we’ve needed to heal, recover and grow those previously invalidated, underdeveloped and abused parts up into being a healthy adult inside of ourselves, able to take care of ourselves.
I want you to start getting very clear about this – narcissistic people don’t respect boundaries. They ignore them, invalidate them or crash straight through them with force.
(The great news is you can STILL be safe and generate your own life, even when other people don’t respect them, because a boundary only needs you to GET it! Read on and you will understand).
Yet, it isn’t just narcissistic people who don’t respect our boundaries. It can be everyday people as well – simply because we are not setting them effectively. In the case of non-narcissistic people, if you learn how to lay boundaries without guilt and fear and in ways that are clear, calm and respectful, you will discover an incredible shift in your life.
You will learn that it is not up to other people to define your boundaries for you, be mind readers and know your limits. It’s immature of you to be annoyed at people “using you up” if you keep saying “Yes” when you really want to say “No”, or if you go all funky, and start justifying and whining or being passive aggressive, rather than just say it “how it is”.
(Please know as we go through this information together, this will become much clearer to you!)
When you learn how to say a “No” effectively and directly it will be so much easier for you to identify if people ARE narcissistic. You will recognise that they don’t have the resources or desire to honour you with respect. This helps you more easily identify who is or isn’t healthy enough to be in your life.
Let’s examine this as we go through our list of the seven ways to say “No” to people who won’t respect your boundaries.
Number one is about you understanding HOW To set the stage for your expressed boundary.
Number One – Stop Trying To Convince People
One of the greatest ways that you may be handing away power is if you are trying to justify your “No”.
Usually this happens because you feel guilty for saying “No”. Then you do a whole heap of explaining to somebody else so that they don’t think badly of you. Or maybe you are lecturing and prescribing to them as to why you shouldn’t even have to be in the position to say “No” (even though that is your job).
The Quantum Truth of life (so within, so without) is that other people respond to you aligned with how you are feeling about yourself. If you are NOT clear about your boundary, they are unlikely to understand it either.
This is appropriate because it’s your Soul lesson to generate your own life effectively, as an adult. Also, people who are apt to manipulate can take advantage of the situation. Any conversation that is not straight to the point grants them an ability to hook in, play with your emotions and throw you off your desired “No”.
It’s hugely important to honour what your Inner Being is telling you is “No” and then to lose the guilt of saying “No”.
And just stand in it.
My highest suggestion to you is if you know you can get all squirmy, funky and beat around the bush when you are trying to say “No”, then there are some very powerful Quanta Freedom Healings that you can do to get anchored in your firm “No”.
I’m going to give you one of these powerful healings here.
“I’m targeting the trauma in my body that is generating me feeling guilty, bad or wrong for saying “No” to somebody.”
When you have cleared all of the trauma with this (Module One or The Source Healing and Resolution Module of NARP are my go-to suggestions) you will find it so much easier to just say a clean, clear “No” that is much more easily and powerfully accepted.
Those of you who are ready for more advanced Empowered Boundary Trainings, I can’t recommend the Empowered Self Course enough for this – there are 3 entire specific Quanta Freedom Healing Modules on this to become a Boundary Beast!
Number Two – “I’m Sorry, I Have Other Commitments.”
Please understand this, if you say “Yes” to somebody when this can seriously impact on your time, energy and even the people and things in your life that are important for you to look after, then you are not granting a healthy service to anybody.
How many times have we all said “Yes” to something, when we really wanted to say “No”, and then we ended up resentful and created a really bad exchange of energy anyway?
If somebody asks you to do something, and it’s just not feeling healthy for you to say “Yes” then listen to your body. Understand this – if you honour the truth of your Soul, you honour everyone and the entire field of life in honourable ways. If you go against what your gut is telling you to do, then you and everyone else pay the price. You are introducing negative energy into a situation.
If you have other commitments, then be honest and you can say really nicely from the heart, “I am sorry, I have other commitments.” You may even say, if it feels healthy for you, “I can help you at this other day and time, if that could work.”
Or you could say, “Have you thought about so and so, maybe they might be free to help.”
When dealing with a narcissistic person who doesn’t respect this boundary, the response will be something like interrogation regarding what your commitment is. They may tell you that your commitment is nowhere near as important as what they want from you and so on and so forth.
Feel these responses in your body – they are violating, disrespectful and incredibly intrusive and uncaring about you and your time and needs.
Someone like this needs to go “bye, bye” from your life. Detach, heal, leave and move on – so that you CAN generate a life that is respectful and healthy.
Number Three – “I’m Not Comfortable With That.”
Maybe somebody is asking you to do something that is outside of your value structure. Maybe your agreement to this will leave you feeling violated, unsafe or even abused.
Rather than question or attack this person’s morals and behaviour for asking you to do such a thing, you can take your power back by clearly and calmly saying to them, “No. I’m not comfortable with that”.
If this person has a decent level of respect and care, then they really have no choice but to hear you. If this person really is self-absorbed and even narcissistic they may press you to try to find out (change your mind) regarding what you’re not comfortable about.
At this point, you can just stand in, “I don’t have to give you my reasons. I’m just telling you I’m not comfortable with it.”
Of course, a narcissistic person may become extremely challenging and even abusive, and then nothing else needs to be said. Anyone pushing you past this point and invalidating your feelings and what is or isn’t right for you, is drastically violating your boundaries and is not healthy enough to be in your life.
Please be very clear – if you continue on with this person then you are violating your own boundaries.
Number Four – “I Know You Are Capable Of This Yourself.”
There may be people in your life that you are saying “Yes” to, thinking that you’re helping them. Yet, by doing so you may be enabling them to stay stuck in the feelings and beliefs that they are incapable, incompetent and disempowered.
If they are draining your energy, time or resources, then to keep saying “Yes” means you are empowering them to continue abusing you.
(Module 6 of NARP is a powerful Module to clean up all of this stuff about being over-responsible for people who are not responsible for themselves.)
We can easily do this with our children, and even irresponsible (or narcissistic) adults in our life, who we may want to love us. Or, we may do this because we think that it’s just easier to sort out the messes or the problems for them.
But really, this is hurting them, as well as us.
A wonderful way to say “No” to someone we care about is encouraging them to feel good about doing it themselves. Tell them that we believe in them, and that they are capable, and that we know that they can shine, grow and achieve and become empowered as a result of working at being capable themselves.
If any adult tells you that you are selfish for not doing it for them, and uncaring and unloving, please know this person is using guilt and control to mine your resources and you are being parasitically mined for their benefit.
Time to grow yourself up to say, “No More!”
Number Five – “I Have Something Pressing Right Now That Requires My Attention.”
Even if this means you just need a night off to have a bath and relax, because you have had a tough week – this is true for you.
If you don’t look after you, you are not able to look after anybody. Relationships were never about martyrdom at your own cost.
Maybe you do have projects and things that are pressing, and urgent and you just can’t devote your time to what somebody else would like you to do right now.
If this is the case, would you be able to do it justice? Would this happen at your own cost?
If this is the case you can offer up an alternative time where you could grant a “Yes” and the energy and focus that it deserves.
If someone else doesn’t have the resources to respect your urgent need for something else, no matter who this person is, then you need to seriously question the validity of this relationship.
Number Six – “I’m Not Sure I’m The Right Person For That Job.”
Maybe you feel uncomfortable saying “Yes” because you don’t have a particular skill set. If you pretend that you can help, and you are out of your depth, then you could be doing more of a disservice, rather than assisting.
In such a case it is much more applicable to be honest about this and suggest they look up, or approach someone who does have the appropriate skill set.
Decent, non-narcissistic people, will appreciate your honesty!
Number Seven – “No” Means “No” – Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Sometimes, especially with narcissistic people, it doesn’t matter how you say “No”, they will disrespect and refuse to accept the boundary.
Let’s face it, with narcissistic people it is all about them. They don’t care about you, your needs, your stresses or your health and sanity. You are the mere object that they are using to serve their own needs (that truly is how it is)!
The ultimate “No” means “No More”.
It means I will no longer be around you suffering your lack of care, selfishness, disrespect and abuse.
The ultimate “No” needs no explanation, no words – only actions. People ask me all the time “Should I explain why I’m leaving, and why I can’t take it anymore?”
This is my take on this … Don’t do it. There is ZERO point! The narcissist doesn’t listen, doesn’t care and now has ammunition from you (words) to dice, splice, mince, twist and throw back in your face to try to re-hook you, devastate you and punish you, or lie to you to manipulate you again.
Ultimately your TRUE “No” to a narcissist means NO MORE! You refuse to be around to accept the treatment. You leave, or make them leave. You detach, separate and get on with your healing, your future and your expansion into the true Thriving of your True Self and True Life.
As I say at the end of my videos, “… there is nothing else to do.” What else can you do with someone who will NEVER be trained to treat you with respect in his or her lifetime?
In Conclusion
I hope that this has helped you greatly by offering some “No” tools for your tool kit. Understanding these helped me so much with boundaries.
Boundaries take practice, and require stepping up to the plate, feeling the fear and doing it anyway, but even more than this, it is about deeply healing the inner terrors we have always had about setting them … I call these the fear of C.R.A.P. – the Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment and Punishment for being ourselves.
You may have believed, “I just don’t want to hurt people’s feelings” but I promise you the real fear of setting boundaries is so much deeper than this – and healing these parts of ourselves is essential to have a wonderful Thriver Life.
Boundaries are everything – TRULY!
The links to my resources to help you with powerfully healing up your boundaries are above in the article.
Did this article help? Did these real-life suggestions feel hopeful or empowering? Let me know below!
I do this all the time but iam learning everyday
I got a list of what I need for you to do for me and was told iam number one on your list ahead of my team roping my parents and a couple of other things.is this just good communication or something else?
Oh my gosh Melanie!
This blog is absolutely fantastic! What a wonderful gift to receive on this Father’s Day! So to the point! I’m not looking for a job so that particular one doesn’t seem to matter in my situation but the rest so deeply resonated! 🙌 Linking this, today, to the realization that in order for all of these to be actuated in my life will require inner work as well!
That is where the magic of NARP comes in…. sometimes it is so exciting to get such a simple realization like this! 🙌😌 thank you so very much, Melanie! Lots of love! ❤️🦋❤️
I’m so glad this helps Peter,
and Happy Fathers Day
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This was very helpful to me because its what I’m currently working on, setting healthy boundaries. I have gotten the Empowerment course for this exact reason.
Love the C.R.A.P. So true! This helped me tremendously.
I’m so pleased Ida,
Bless!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Love the C.R.A.P. So true! This helped me tremendously.
Awesome Ree!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
With the comments above…and my own addition to being “right in the middle” of this myself…also at my new church I am in a study class on the same subject! It is no “local phenomenon”.
There is a great awakening and I for one welcome it!
All the points above are exactly in the sphere of my existence..
I just passed the not feeling guilty for saying “no” during a conversation with a homeless person at the corner store.
I am done feeling guilty for saying “no” and I am a generous person…when I feel it will or can make a difference…
Not being healthy enough to be in my life…is/has been a sticking point for me…I have never been one to give up…until I did for a while…I prayed for “wisdom” and the most malignant narcissist I have ever encountered…showed up to point out all my shortcomings…Honestly she has been a blessing as I would have never grown up without her!
Two edged sword…and I have overcome…I am victorious…I love my life and have never been more joyful or at peace since I was 10…
I had the opportunity to sort my life and choose who I would be as the best version of myself..and I like ‘n love ME! Awesome!
I have many sources of course…yet you Melanie are a primary light bringer! Such intense clarity…just when I need it..exactly on time!
I feel I could have written pretty much what you have in a day or two by myself…just an inch behind you…thanks for being crazy on time!
Thank you Melanie…for pulling us forward…
So nice to know I am not alone in the least…
That’s so great we are in synch James.
Thank YOU for being a fellow traveller,
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Once split from the intimate malignant narcissist, it takes some time to get clear on which common friends respect you as the dust settles. New people may arrive who learn your story, too. Boundaries are key to discernment of people’s character. The saying goes, “Be careful who you let into your house.”
A useful metaphor. Watch as those who lack respect for you melt down and become blatantly abusive as soon as u say “I’m sorry, but I’m not comfortable with that.” Don’t let people like this into “your house”.
Hi Marilyn, you’re so right, this is a mistake I keep making.
The front door is a very important boundary. It’s so easy to say “come on in” .
This can have potentially massive consequences.
You can regret letting in an abuser or manipulator for a very long time.
Easy to let them in but hard to get rid of them, and even harder to undo the damage.
I so agree Marilyn!
Thank you for your share.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I’ve only now just focused more on
C .R .A .P
CRITICISM, REJECTION , ABANDOMENT. PUNISHMENT …is this really the reason people fear saying NO. .
Most times I don’t have a problem,” I think” ??? Saying No. I get annoyed when some people come at all direction to not hear it. I’ve said NO means No. Which part of NO don’t you understand ? Is it the N or O…then disappear!! Maybe that’s over explaining ?… Is it the C,R,A,P.. I most fear ??
Hi Melanie, perfect timing as usual.
I’m feeling terrible right now and full of anxiety concerning boundaries and saying no.
I’ve suffered severe abuse from ex-husband and family members but have felt well enough for a long time.
I’ve had anxiety disorder in the past which is not surprising. Recent events concerning my 15yr old son have pushed me back over the edge. Without going into details it involves a battle with the authorities which was triggered off by someone who was supposed to be supporting us. This person visits us every week and is trying to “organise” us. I’ve been feeling uneasy about the situation for a while but she seems so nice and I believed she had our best interests at heart. I think I need to tell her to leave us alone but it will be difficult for me to do it.
I now have a feeling of permanent anxiety. There is a tightness in my chest that doesn’t go away. This makes it impossible to sleep and I’ve been drinking in the evenings to get rid of it. Then I feel rubbish during the day and not up to doing much.
I feel angry confused and upset, one day I just cried all day. It’s only been a week or so and I just want to get back to health. Do you have any advice of how to get rid of this horrible feeling so I can get back on with my life? I need to because I’ve got battles to fight!
Thank you Melanie, your words always help xxx
Hi Sharron,
my heart goes out to you – trapped internal trauma does mess with so much.
Sharron have you considered doing NARP, that is how we all recovered … truly … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
NARP is the answer.
Maybe it is your time to heal?
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Mel,
Yes I have considered NARP many times and have decided to do it and then not done it.
It’s financial consideration that keeps stopping me.
There are things I want to achieve in order to be as financially stable as possible, so to that end I now have a plan.
I think I should stick to it, it involves paying off debt etc.
I’d rather do that than risk getting myself in a bigger mess.
But there will come a day I’m sure because I can be quite determined on important issues.
So for now I’ll keep reading your emails, I’m amazed how prolific you are, and how you just keep on reaching out to so many people.
Hi Sharron,
when you heal on the inside, all heals – including financial health!
Just saying!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Sharron please take my advice and stop drinking immediately. Alcohol is a big factor in enhancing anxiety and depressioin because it affects your nerves. even small amounts exacerbate stress response in your body because it is a toxin for your nervous system.
Whilst we believe it calms us down the opposite is true. I am convinced that the anxiety you are feeling and the confusion and feeling upset will improve when you stop the alcohol. Check into resources such as of Course Melanie Tonia Evans, or Marisa Peer or Fiona Brennan. Contact al anon and keep clear of the drink. My brother almost died from alcohol and his nervous system is severly damaged from drinking.
Hi Kirsten, thanks for your concern. I’ve only done this for three nights. It worked well the first night but not last night, I feel rotten today and don’t feel any benefit.
I had a friend who was an alcoholic. It really saddened me that he just didn’t want to give up and I had to walk away. Another friend recently died after a drinking bout so I am well aware of the dangers. You’re right, I really shouldn’t be doing it and I won’t be doing it again.
For a while I was considering giving up drinking altogether. Earlier this year I didn’t have a drink for about three months and I was feeling great. I’m just so annoyed that things have got on top of me and I’m looking for a quick fix. I know it doesn’t work like that but I just want to get back to where I was as soon as possible. My life was going ok all things considered and I just took a nosedive which came about from being too trusting and easy going and not saying no when I should have done.
I don’t want to go to a GP. Done this time and again and medication doesn’t work. Sleeping tablets have helped in the past but I don’t want to go down that road again.
I’m a natural born worrier and things probably aren’t as bad as they seem, but in the past I have gone for weeks and months hardly sleeping and it’s horrible.
I actually don’t think I have an addictive personality, hope those aren’t famous last words.
I’ve been researching anxiety disorders and self help this morning. Going to try yoga and breathing exercises, got to be better than red wine.
Thanks for the advice xx
Drugs, alcohol, sex and many other addictive behaviors are all an attempt to “be” “not me”.
We are unwilling to “be” who and what we truly are…
Usually something happens…and it is not what happened, which is the problem (even though it was wrong!)
It is what we say about ourselves…I am damaged, I am unworthy, I am somehow not good enough…and then to complete our conviction…we blame God for allowing that event to happen…if He Loved me…Or God does not exist (untrue) and we feel we are on our own, alone in a very scary world. All this is a lie…Satan’s deception if you will?
God Loves us all equally…and He Gave us free will…which allows others to hurt and harm us…just to feel important…to fill the emptiness from what they feel was lost…usually their own innocence…in trying to fill their emptiness…they “steal” our innocence…
This defines the difference between a co-dependent and a narcissist…they feel “owed” for what happened to them…we feel unworthy of love and do, give, pay anything for the love we desire…
All that matters is God’s Love…and what God Says about us..in many ways it does not matter even what we think about ourselves…and it certainly does not matter what anyone else thinks or says about us as long as we believe what God says about us!
I have overcome the lies my young immature mind created.
I (my logical mind) had eaten eaten from the tree of knowledge of good and evil…served up by my emotional side…then blamed my emotions!
Adam was a wuss! He should have told Eve that it was unacceptable to eat of that fruit…and demanded repentance…
We must forgive our inner child for letting our immature mind’s LIES run our life…we can take back our mind..
I have!
James
Hi James,
that is so great you have said “No” to that part of you.
Keep Thriving Dear Man!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Perhaps repentance is a poor choice of a description.
That Adam should have chosen not to believe Eve…gently instructed her of the lies misconceptions or false interpretations and simply helped Eve to understand that those emotions were unhealthy…
Biological suggestions…we need them…we also need discernment to clarify just what our emotions are telling us before we choose how we react…
Love to all..and to love others is easy..because it is just a free choice…
Yaya…there are some wonderful chemicals too!
It’s the “liking” that takes effort, earning and expecting trust…demanding integrity in ourselves and others to play the big game we play..
Whilst not selling out our values at any cost!
I so love the new me…I have freely chosen ever but of who I am!
What sucks is…I always have lived by the choices I made..and I made some really bad ones! All better now!
James
Melanie, I thank you for writing this blog post. I have always struggled with setting boundaries, especially with my children, only to end up giving in to “keep the peace.”
It’s my pleasure Anna.
I really hope that this helps!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie, your articles are always so spot on, and seem to hit exactly when needed.
Its proof enough for me that you do know the cycle of narcissistic abuse. My last relationship ( 2003 – 2008) opened my eyes to narcissistic abuse and the smear campaign and cold discard, which I am still suffering 13 years later, and wondering if he will ever give up and go find a new victim. I have never recognized my “right” to establish boundaries, and I now realize this is because my mother is a narcissist. This article makes incredible sense to me. More times than not, even when you allow the manipulation in order “to keep the peace”, the peace does not last. when you burn out and take 5 minutes for yourself to recoup, you will be kicked to the curb, smeared, and cancelled. So everything you DID give will be for naught. Remember this everybody. Consider that if you sacrifice for someone you might end up being smeared and discarded anyway. This might help your decision in establishing boundaries.
Hi Debby,
it is so true.
Playing it safe and keeping the peace doesn’t work anyway.
This is a necessary soul exchange opportunity to heal up into boundaries!
It really is a make or break deal!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Loved your article, extremely helpful and insightful.
Thank you beautiful Mel for all the great work you are doing.
You helped me so much xx
You are very welcome Caitilin,
thank you for your beautiful words
Mel 🙏💞🦋