Melanie Tonia Evans

Transforming From The Wounded Child Into The Healthy Loving Adult

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

In previous blog articles (especially ones lately) I have written and shared with you a lot about my personal healing journey.

My greatest purpose in doing so is to assist and inspire your journey to heal.

This year has been an incredible year for me personally.  I thought that many of my previous years brought forth incredible personal growth – but truly they have not been ‘a patch’ on this year.

Last week I shared a post on Facebook about my year’s journey, what I had let go of, and what I had filled that empty ‘void’ with.

The response was incredible! Thank you so much everyone for your wonderful birthday wishes! They touched my heart deeply.

(If you are not yet subscribed to my Facebook page you can sign up here. I share my personal insights for narcissistic abuse recovery and personal empowerment daily.)

My personal decision was that I had had enough of the pain, and I firmly accepted that no-one or nothing was going to intervene from ‘the outside’ to fix my emotional wounds and painful belief systems for me.

In today’s article I am going to share an even deeper look at my incredible healing journey this year…

How I finally healed my deepest, darkest belief system that regressed me to feeling like a terrified, emotionally wounded 2 year old.

How I finally committed to loving myself with fierce determination so I would never need a man to fix that belief system for me again.

And how I finally evolved into the healthy loving adult who will never abandon her inner child ever again.

 

No More Self-Abandonment

We need to (no matter how much we are hurting) stand up for ourselves, stand with ourselves and stand FOR ourselves with the ferocity of a mother bear guarding her cubs to become the only true saviour in our lives.

No matter how much you may have self-abandoned yourself in the past – as I so horrifically did to myself – this decision to stand FOR yourself is the beginning of an incredible journey of self-acceptance and profound self-love.

What is the alternative?

It’s not good…

Keep experiencing the pain of our internal belief systems, and keep attracting, creating and experiencing our gravest fears and wounds over and over again.

The very wounds we are desperately trying to avoid.

 

The Truth About Belief Systems

Many people know conceptually what a belief system is, but until you understand the deep ramifications of belief systems you may not realise just how much influence they have over your life.

Most belief systems are not mental constructions. They are emotional ones, that were generally created unconsciously as result of how you felt about something that happened in your life, rather than how you may have logically defined the event.

A belief system is not ‘what happened to you’ – it is the emotional meaning you gave to what happened to you.

The greater majority of our belief systems were created in childhood, at a time when we could not detach and objectively view events, or know a ‘separation’ between ourselves and what was happening to us. We did not have the skills of mindfulness or maturity to be able to healthily and safely evaluate other people’s behaviour without personalising and internalising it.

Thus our emotional reactions were deeply absorbed within our subconscious as associations to ‘these events’, especially if the ‘event’ was repeated over and over again.

Belief systems are insidious and incredibly powerful. The very nature of a belief system is it can’t and doesn’t evolve itself into something healthier. A belief system is a pre-programmed conclusion, and it’s very purpose is to generate evidence which validates its existence as real.

Think about what that means.

It means:

  • You attract people and events which validate the belief system
  • Your reactions to life and others are ones which help manifest more evidence of the belief system
  • The results of painful events further reinforces the belief system.

Let’s look at some of the common belief systems we can have running inside our subconscious when we have reached the life event of being narcissistically abused.

  • I am unworthy of love
  • I am too damaged to experience healthy love
  • The men / women who I love hurt me
  • The men / women who I love leave me
  • The men / women who I love betray / punish me
  • The men / women who I love don’t support me or accept me.
  • Life is scary, hard and painful.

What we may not have realised is that these belief systems may have been originally formed long before the narcissist came into our life.

In fact these belief systems could have been emotionally created when we were a child, or even genetically passed on in the womb.

Science is proving now that we acquire genetic makeup (belief systems) from our parents – which includes certain personality pre-dispositions. And the ‘nasties’ can include fear, pain and defensive survival programs.

Often we have no idea that we have certain belief systems until life presents for us the effects of these belief systems.

Often we have had no idea, until we start shifting our consciousness and evolving ourself, that we were previously operating and behaving within the lens of that painful belief system.

One of Albert Einstein’s’ famous quotes is “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

The same applies for our belief systems – we cannot evolve our belief systems when we are stuck in the mental / emotional range of that belief system. Our body chemistry and brain wiring is stuck in that pattern. And to us it IS ‘real’ and even if it is painful, it feels ‘normal’.

We simply DON’T have access to mental or emotional constructions which are different from the ingrained belief system.

‘Life to us’ operates within the belief system no matter what we would like to think and create in our life.

This is so absolute that it is actually impossible to create a different reality, because our Inner Identity does not match a different reality. A different (healthier) reality is outside of the scope of what is possible for us.

This is EXACTLY why we can feel helpless, hopeless and powerless to create certain outcomes in our life.

This is how you may feel about the possibility of being loved healthily.

It is only when we shift our consciousness that we have the ability to step outside that belief system and liberate ourselves from it.

 

Raising Consciousness

In order to raise your level of consciousness you need to be committed to giving up victim consciousness, and be prepared to claim that life is operating through you and not to you.

You need to see yourself as the Creator of your own experience.

This means giving up all blame and shame. We have to stop blaming others, and we especially have to stop blaming ourselves.

If you are reading this within the existing belief systems that life is happening to you – then it will seem like this article is more victimisation – it will seem like shame and blame, and adding to your powerlessness.

When you are committed to evolving yourself from the inside out, and you start taking back your power, you will realise how empowering it is to take 100% responsibility. You know that in no way is that condoning an abuser’s behaviour. This is not about excusing that behaviour – the purpose of it is to put you back into your body, your power centre and your life.

Now you are no longer a powerless victim waiting to be ‘rescued’.

No longer are you waiting for someone outside of you to fix your pain and brokenness for you.

No longer are you waiting for a new lover, for the narcissist to ‘get better’, repent or apologise, or for some magical strike of fate to occur when one day the narcissist gets his or her karmic payback – and then you can live life again.

The truth is no outer rescue party is coming, and if we stay stuck in our painful belief systems, and we don’t evolve our consciousness then any ‘rescue’ we receive will only be within the scope of the existing belief system.

 

Being Rescued Doesn’t Work

If a ‘Mr or Ms Wonderful’ appears to take away the pain – the initial high of ‘being rescued’ from one’s inner pain initially feels euphoric, however the relationship can only and will only settle into the dynamic of the original belief systems that you were attempting to be rescued from in the first place.

Of course this is an incredibly devastating experience to believe finally you had come home to safety, love and security, and later discover you are really in a total hellish nightmare or living out your greatest fears again – and possibly worse than ever.

In stark contrast if we surrender the need to cling to victimhood, something outstanding happens.

We no longer focus on trying to fix, control or reform people outside of ourselves (which we are truly powerless to do) and we go inside and we create the reform where it really needs to happen.

In a way that changes our internal belief systems once and for all.

This then changes the entire lens and creation of our life, because:

  • We attract completely different people, events and situations
  • We are no longer attracted to rehashing our old wounds
  • We show up completely differently in life and stop the unconscious behaviour which fostered and co-created the re-playing of our greatest fears.

Where is Our Woundedness Coming From?

So let’s get really specific about our woundedness.

Our woundedness is the young parts of ourself in fear and pain.

I’d like you to try this exercise because it is fascinating…

Let’s take a look at this previous list of belief systems

  • I am unworthy of love
  • I am too damaged to experience healthy love
  • The men / women who I love hurt me
  • The men / women who I love leave me
  • The men / women who I love betray / punish me
  • The men / women who I love don’t support me or accept me.
  • Life is scary, hard and painful.

Now check out the ones you know apply to you. You will know if they are relevant because you will have an emotional reaction (charge) to them.

If you know how to muscle test yourself, you can use that method to check whether or not these belief systems apply.

Now for the ones that apply – ask yourself this question “What age is the part of me that holds this belief system?” Trust the intuitive answer, or if you can muscle test use a ‘Yes’ and a ‘No’ answer that will grant a ‘ Yes’ when you get to the right age.

The answer will blow you away- and totally confirm to you that this part of you is the Wounded Child Within.

Now you realise how long you have been carrying this belief system, and in reflection you will see how it has played out completely and utterly ever since its conception within you.

The Wounded Child is the part of you that you may have been self-abandoning when he or she is triggered by this wound.

When we self-abandon there is no Loving Adult present to look after us.

This means the child is terrified, and hands power over to another ‘adult’ to try to feel safe (unfortunately often the abuser) and / or acts out with uncontrolled behaviour in the moment which perpetuates the horrible situation.

My most powerful wound was my Inner Wounded Child’s reaction to abandonment. She was 2 years old.

The narcissist had easily identified this was my ‘weak spot’ (as narcissists do) and continually played out repeated abandonment. I acted out incredible panic, reactions trying to ‘fix’, and became helplessly needy.

This was the Wounded Child – there was no Loving Internal Parent present.

No healthy internal adult acts out the behaviour I did.

This was my deepest internal belief system playing out – ‘The men who love me punish and abandon me,’ and I regressed back to the powerless, helpless 2 year old child every time it happened.

The eerie truth was this – before healing this belief system once and for all,  I unconsciously wanted a big, strong protective and ’present’ man to rescue me from this devastating belief system.

So naturally I gravitated to and attracted men who enmeshed and engulfed with me. The love-bombers who seems so ‘invested’ that they would be the least risky to ever abandon me…

Of course, the results were disastrous.

 

The Evolution, Dedication and Choice

My deep internal journey this year was all about hitting the ground again after another narcissist and deeply, deeply committing to evolving myself.

Knowing that I required nothing less than drastic shifts in consciousness if I was going to change my life.

During this journey I went to my belief systems, those young hurting, fearful parts of myself with fiercely determined love, support and dedication. I embraced each one that I found, let the ‘child’ within be fully validated for the pain (fully accepted it) and then let it go. Then I replaced those beliefs with the Loving Adult higher consciousness part of myself

By doing so, not only was the pain liberated from my body, the belief systems were also.

The processes in NARP were used to clear the pain of the narcissist, and then the Family Of Origin work was used to clean up the belief systems within me which had co-created another narcissist in my life.

As a result of doing this work I completely and utterly know now that I will NEVER, EVER, EVER self-abandon myself in a relationship again.

I know that I will never ever again let myself down, or organise myself around someone else’s highly disordered, malicious and violent parts in order to avoid the risk of abandonment.

A self-loving and integrated internal adult just does not play along with that. The Loving Adult has her own self-worth, self-love and incredible life to live….and that is exactly Who I Now Am.

After worked on liberating my Wounded Childhood parts, the results were incredible with my family of origin and in many areas of my life. So incredible that I wanted to create a format where other people could also be liberated from their painful belief systems that they accumulated in or prior to childhood.

The results for others have been wonderful. Many people like Stephanie from the last Thriver Show have reaped the benefits…

As a result of working on the Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Mini-Course I was able to clear the childhood abuse that was allowing others to mistreat me. Now I speak my truth as the person who is happier, has more peace and feels there is a life worth living more congruent with WHO I am. 

Marie – Australia 

The Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Mini-Course allowed me to recognise that I kept myself small and invisible due to early childhood programming. After clearing that energy out, I now live my life much lighter, more playful and I celebrate – not hide – my successes and accomplishments. I am proud of myself. I am much more conscious not to pass the same patterns on to my family. 

Chirstine – Switzerland 

As a result of using the Transforming Family of Origin Wounds healings I have cleared out the issues with the way I was controlled and dominated as a kid, I feel I have finally stopped re-attracting narcissistic individuals into my life and have realized how to set boundaries for myself.

Eric – USA

 

The Transforming Family Of Origin Wounds Corse

I hope this article has helped you realise how you are your own liberator, and how no-body else can do the work for you.

No-one else has the power to create your wonderful life – because they cannot supply you any evidence which is different to your existing internal beliefs.

Only your shift in consciousness can change the people and events that come into your life experience.

So if you are ready to take control of your life, heal the Wounded Child Within and transform into the Healthy Loving Adult, I’d love to help you achieve this with the Transforming Family Of Origin Wounds Course.

I look forward to your comments below!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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53 Thoughts on Transforming From The Wounded Child Into The Healthy Loving Adult
  • beachpad_933@hotmail.com'
    Anne
    October 16, 2013

    I have read similar articles before, and even did the inner bonding course over 10 years ago with Dr.Margaret Paul — it seemed to work for a little bit enough to get me out of a narcissistic relationship at the time however the “energy” didnt go away as I ended up repeating the same thing last year but the universe ended up saving me from it in its mysterious ways — how is your course going to be any different? Am not being antagonistic am just curious as I have spent money/ tried similar approach “courses” before and while they make me more aware, the energy it seems still remains!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 16, 2013

      Hi Anne,

      the energetic healing process in my Courses / Programs is Quanta Freedom Healing.

      This process creates communication with your subconscious which releases the emotional charge from your subconscious body.

      Just ‘re-parenting’ techniques don’t directly or specifically do that.

      This is why NARP especially has received so many incredible testimonies regarding people moving out of powerlessness into recovery.

      This mini-course is also creating spectacular and fast results.

      You really do have to experience QFH and the difference to understand it – it is literally something that you can feel immediately.

      Mel xo

  • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
    Sylvia
    October 16, 2013

    Hi Melanie,loved your article as always. This year has for me too, been about really exploring my belief system and busting several core false beliefs. I had some of the more common ones, like ‘The people I love will always punish/abandon/betray me’. But then I uncovered some further false beliefs.They are as follows:-
    1.My life does not belong to me,others have the right to make decisions on my behalf, to control me and also to punish me if I resist their control.
    2.My time is not my own. Every moment has to be accounted for, and should be spent either working or tending to the needs of others. I must not ‘waste’ time on my self or my own pursuits.
    3. I am not allowed to have my own money. If I have money, someone will be angry and take it from me. I must be seen to be poor, in order to be safe.
    These beliefs totally explained why I had suffered from over-busyness, workaholism, being involved with Narcs and other controlling, demanding people. It explained why, in spite of being good at earning money, I could never hang on to it, and never had anything to show for it. It explained why I always felt different, and not allowed to have what others have, exiled somehow, from the good things in life. Things are now changing big-time! It just shows how complex and deep-rooted some of our beliefs are, and how crucial it is to examine them, or they will keep on running – and ruining – our lives. The clues are there if we look hard enough! xxx Sylvia

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 16, 2013

      Hi Sylvia,

      these are perfect, perfect examples that you have given – and they are ones which many people in the New Life community will be able to relate to…

      Spot on – they are the TOTAL explanation for the repeat patterns – and despite no matter how hard you would have tried to not be involved in the painful aspects of these patterns, they continued to happen regardless.

      This is wonderful that you too have used this year as a profound catalyst for cleaning up these awful inner programs that can unconsciously create so much pain in our life.

      When we shift them, when we ‘let go’ it is astounding how everything just turns on a dime – for the better! And it happens really powerfully and quickly after life-long struggles.

      It is like we have turned the key, and the door can finally swing open…

      That is so true – the clues are there. When we stop blaming ‘the outside’ and see it as a repeat pattern of faulty internal belief systems, and we are willing to go deeply inside to claim and release these beliefs, our True Life can begin.

      Mel xo

      • grollalion@yahoo.com'
        Laura G
        October 17, 2013

        Sylvia, thank you so much for sharing. I can really relate to–and use–what you discovered.

  • beachpad_933@hotmail.com'
    Anne
    October 16, 2013

    Is there a money back guarantee, just tired of spending money on programs / courses / hypnotherapy etc etc.

  • gc1990@hushmail.com'
    KC
    October 16, 2013

    I keep reading your blog and I’ve commented before (with such a different perspective in the earlier days). I know that your words and advice are probably right. i do feel what is happening to me inside because of the abuse but Yet i still don’t do anything to change it–so no one to blame. i could walk away …sort of- he wont let go easily…I’ve tried before and he always wins. i used to cry and rack my brain over why he did these things. now i know those questions have no answers. he does it because he doesn’t feel anything except anger and defense. i did cry a lot over N but now I don’t do it as much. its not because I’m really happy, but i am becoming a better opponent. I feel and see the different perspectives he has and can see the weakness in people that he preys on. every time he betrays, lies, ignores, or is cruel ..then I learn. He doesn’t like it, but he’s still proud that he’s a “good teacher”. If he plays nice, i know its fake and nothing is really as it seems. i no longer see things through naive eyes the way I did before. I’ve learned a lot about the reality of the falseness of most people, and honestly in some situations it has helped me stay a couple of steps ahead. Perhaps I’ve become more of a student than a victim. Who really knows which is better anymore.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 16, 2013

      Hi KC,

      that is great that you are starting to perceive taking responsibility…

      We have all been at some point stuck, hooked and intensely focused on what the narc is or isn’t doing…

      And we know that severely detracts from being able to create our own life free of the black ink, pain, deceit, falseness and destruction…

      The narc can’t change, but we can…and that always means taking the leap of faith to let go and meet ourselves with open arms.

      Nothing less cuts it to liberate ourselves.

      Liberation means no longer does the child within hold another adult responsible for our emotions, self-approval, life or wellbeing.

      We take full responsibility for that as an adult ourself – and do whatever it takes to make that solid.

      Why on earth would any of us want to be locked into a never-ending battle field staying ‘one step ahead’ of an abuser who is NOT reforming, when there is a whole world of other HEALTHY possibilities to create?

      Mel xo

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        October 19, 2013

        Hi Mel and KC<
        Thanks! Melanie, as always, you have given a great insight on the situation! KC, please keep up with Melanie's blogs. You might seriously consider getting away from the narc; and doing No Contact. Once you are not with him, it will be so much easier to address the issues you have; especially healing the Inner child wounds. Keep us posted! Cheers!

  • sunflowerinjuly82@gmail.com'
    Maya
    October 16, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    Fantastic article and just in time, I already have your TFOO program and it is immensly helpful, I just got out from a narc relationship two months ago and used narp and healed incredibly in the first month or so until I almost didnt recogize myself but then my ex made contact and accused and projected onto me and I just heard he got engaged and all the pain came reeling abck and I found me self sabotaging again and also I live iht my mother who also is NPD and I feel stuck she keeps coming at me like a predator I feel intense anxiety when she just calls my name and I went back to agoraphobia and depression, I cannot move right now and im trying to take responsiblity but she brigns me back to squar eone and when she feels me pulling away she is “affectionate’ to get supply and Im just reeling and I feel like a helpless desperate little girl and nobody understands and I feel literally fighting for my emotional health ans sanity, as soon as I leve the house I feel tons better so her very presence has become traumattic she doesnt even need to criticize or make comments anymore, but I need to heal this without leaving the house and still ahving contact with her, any advice, btw I have all your programs and books almost if there is anything in particular that might help. Thanks Mel, bless you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2013

      Hi Maya,

      That is great that the Program is assisting, and that NARP granted you so much boost initially.

      It is very common for all of us to ‘slip’ at some point of the healing journey.

      What I always firmly believe is that IF we do, this means there was still an unhealed belief which we hadn’t been able to find and release yet – and this ‘event’ was exactly the catalyst that was required to bring it up for us in our consciousness.

      That is what this event was for you with ex-narc – granting you access to some really deep (young) and painful beliefs that you needed to clear in order to really truly liberate yourself..

      I really don’t believe there are ‘any mistakes’ when life delivers our triggers – it is all granting the ability to heal and evolve.

      In regard to your mother, it is really important to focus on what you need to keep your emotional vibration safe. What you can do is when she is NOT around is use the Modules to release and heal that part of you who feels like the desperate, helpless little girl – so that you can evolve yourself emotionally in this dynamic.

      Then you have access to different choices regarding the relationship.

      These choices will now come from the Healthy Internal Adult who can speak up honestly and directly about how she feels and what she needs from your Mother without the fear of rejection, abandonment, guilt or punishment.

      Then if this is not respected, boundaries need to come into play.

      If they can’t be respected then you leave.

      It’s really important to get the inner helpless charges sorted first, otherwise your actions, decisions and behaviours will only be within the range of the helpless little girl.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • sherri.grande@yahoo.com'
    Sherri
    October 16, 2013

    Another wonderful article-thank you Melanie!

    I have been working on changing my behaviors since June of this year, when my 2nd marriage started crumbling. Until I read this article, I thought that I WAS taking FULL responsibility, but I realize now, that even though I have been addressing these belief systems and my childhood (both parents are narcissistic), there was a big piece missing. Somewhere deep, deep down I am still wanting to blame the narcs in my life, (and I have been) and I am wanting people in my life to make me feel safe. Yesterday, I came to the realization that I don’t feel safe in this world. So, it was serendipitous that you included this belief in this article and that it came to me the next morning! One of my big beliefs is” Life is scary, hard and painful”. I muscle tested this at age 1 or 2!!! This definitely comes from my childhood, (I believe my mother suffered from postpartum depression with both myself and my brother) and I know, just from hearing my generational history on both sides of my family, that life has placed many obstacles throughout my ancestors’ lifetimes. No wonder I hold this belief! Because of this, I just purchased your Family of Origin program and am anxious to get started and finally get to the root, OWN it, and begin to feel safe just trusting and loving my own self unconditionally. Thank you for sharing so openly, your journey of healing and self-empowerment.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2013

      Hi Sherri,

      you are very welcome!

      This is so wonderful that you have realised the power in taking 100% responsibility for our internal beliefs – REGARDLESS of how they got there – because no-one else can fix it for us!

      It is incredible when you realise what you have been playing out all your life unconsciously – and that you DO have the power to evolve it.

      You are coming home to yourself and that is fantastic!

      Thank you for your post, I am sure it can inspire many others who were also hanging on to blame – to let it go.

      Mel xo

  • Jane.alison.hill@gmail.com'
    Anita
    October 17, 2013

    Hi Mel, thank you for sharing your personal healing journey with us. Was the most recent narc you speak of in this article your second or third narc? I only started following your work january 2013 and I recall at that time from other posts and the NARP modules you had said you had two narc relationships and were now in a healthy relationship (memory could be a little hazy on this last point) so I was just wondering if this was another narc? If so, was it less “narcy” than your previous narcs to reflect the work you had already done on yourself and therefore more tricksy to detect? Was there different hooks with this one or a variation of the old patterns? Thank you so much for sharing your personal insight from your own experiences.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2013

      Hi Anita,

      Yes that particular eBook does require an update!

      1st relationship after original narc was a man with insecurities and jealousy – knowing what I now know – definitely not NPD…rather narcish tendencies, however still possessed morals and conscience.

      Relationship after that was the altruistic narcissist.

      That one was hugely NPD – the full gamut…and the reason being (so big) – I still had deep stuff to clear (totally) – and I 100% believe my mission had to go a lot deeper for the community as a whole.

      The altruistic narc was a different pattern -and hence why it threw me for some time, (as AN’s have many people in the community) hence why I wrote the article “Is The Narcissist Capable of Loving” and also the one on Love bombing to really help people get clear.

      You are so welcome Anita, and I hope that has answered your questions!

      Mel xo

  • bcuerden@gmail.com'
    becca
    October 17, 2013

    I took 100% of the responsibility for the relationship with the N. Worked in every way to keep it going, when I should’ve let it go. My idea of responsibility is skewed towards feeling Blame and blaming myself. This is what ‘taking full responsibility’ can mean to the spouse or daughter of an N. They blame us, and we blame ourselves! But if I can turn the meaning of the word ‘responsibility’ around a bit, to mean standing up for myself, and taking care of myself 100%, then I find it is a much more liveable and useful word. Thankyou Melanie for your work, it is a huge resource to draw from and always helps untangle the knots and kinks. Coming from a viper’s nest of lies and contorted emotions, to hear your voice always true and always caring, is extremely powerful.

    • Jane.alison.hill@gmail.com'
      Anita
      October 17, 2013

      Yes Mel, I’m not totally clear how to take 100% responsibility without feeling blame and shame for myself. The phrase “others treat us the way we were taught to treat ourselves” has helped me (rather than “others treat us the way we treat ourselves – which I find really blaming and shaming on myself). But I think I still struggle with associated “going inside” with blaming myself and being tough on myself….how do u be gentle on yourself, Mel, while still taking full responsibility?

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        October 17, 2013

        Hi Anita,

        I can be very helpful to realise that victimising ourself cuts us off from any ability to heal or connect to personal growth.

        Therefore we just need to decide to NOT do it…

        When we connect to the ‘fascination’ of the inner journey and realising how we can heal and ‘tweak’ our life experience incredibly from the inside out – this helps us not get caught up in the despair of what happened, or who we have been in the past.

        ALL of us to varying degrees absorbed subconscious patterns which disconnected us from ourselves.

        And we ALL received these patterns and inner programs from other people who were disconnected from themselves.

        Such has been the nature of the human experience, but NOW we can evolve out of that – and THAT is exciting!

        But NOT if we continue to blame and shame ourselves – which only keeps us locked into being ‘that’ Old Self.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2013

      Hi Becca,

      There truly is a big difference between these two types of ‘taking responsibility’..

      The first one is about handing our power over. Denying our own emotional needs in order to try to keep someone else happy to avoid rejection, abandonment or punishment.

      The second version is about empowering ourselves to align with our truth, and honouring and taking care of our own needs regardless of what someone else is or isn’t being and doing.

      You are so welcome – and it is great you are getting clear Becca.

      Mel xo

  • dmc728@gmail.com'
    Donna M.Cox
    October 17, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    Want to thank you for your Blog and the connection
    It offers . My story is the same to everyone else.
    Doing the exercise brought me back to the abandonment of being in an orphanage for the first 18 mos. of my life. Growing up “in the System” in and out
    of homes subjected to abuse across the board did fashion me into The perfect little CODA!
    I see the patterns I keep co- creating I’am in therapy again and I have strong spiritual principles in my life.
    Just came to the realization my emotional being needs to catch up…… I’am tired of being the “victim”
    This year I made a vow not to get into a relationship.
    My picker is broken(LOL) I’am back in therapy.,.. I have an amazing support group …. I pray…. I’am grateful to know I’am not alone your Blog affords me that connection and gives me Hope…..I know your also a business women Mel…. I’am aware of how much you Give Away……. Thank you for your generous Spirit!!!
    Ended a Narc physically abusive relationship in June .
    I was drawn to him because he spoke of being the Hero and that he defended his Mom and sister from his Dad.
    Anyway at that time a past abuser boyfriend showed up @ a 12 step meeting fresh out of prison, served a 7 year stint for setting fire to the next ” victim girl friends house” I had ended it with him when he strangled ABD kicked me …… Anyway, I trusted the “hero” so much that I brought him to my sacred place of worship in the beginning he loved that part of me and worshipped along side…. I consider this community to be my family.
    I was there for him when he had nothing …
    I felt special in his “love Bombing”…… His rage and selfishness started to reveal … I stood up for myself ….
    That would illicit more rage…. Well he’s now working and living at this religious community ….. The moment he signed the contract his Narciness got worse and worse!
    Now he’s dating someone else. I have no contact with him….however I’am part of ministry in this community …
    I have safe people I can talk with in the process of my healing … Verbal n physical abuse ….. It’s conter productive to blab it all to all . I’am very selective in my support. I’ve come to realize this is truly and inside job for me…… Still working through the feelings of abandonment and being used…..thank you for your message of hope and giving me permission to feel ….
    Actually allowed myself to Wail ….. Bless you and bless us all :()

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2013

      Hi Donna,

      you are very welcome.

      Absolutely your childhood experience was that conditioning.

      This is wonderful that you are seeing the pattern clearly, and really ready to give up victimisation and take 100% responsibility.

      Donna there is a LOT of accumulated pain in your subconscious. Are you using body work to speed its release? Such as EFT or kinesiology or (of course my fav) QFH?

      That would be my total suggestion…

      It is so hard to create new programs when old ones are locked into the body with associated emotional charges.

      When you release the emotional charge from the body, then the old patterns are SO much easier to let go of. That is not a job for the logical mind.

      Mel xo

  • mcasey715@yahoo.com'
    Casey
    October 17, 2013

    Melanie it took great courage to be so raw, open and transparent. I could feel you literally poured your soul into this article! Thank you for allowing us “inside”. When so many of us are trying to break free from the clutches of narc abuse, your articles have been like shelter in a storm. And for you to open up and share what you yourself have gone through and healed just this year only proves we are all “one” and on this journey together. May you be blessed more abundantly now and forever.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      October 17, 2013

      Casey,

      I really like what you said to Melanie–her articles are like shelter in a storm. We really are all one on this journey together. Thanks to this journey I am feeling more and more loved and supported by the family of man.

      Laura G

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        October 17, 2013

        Hi Laura G,

        It is so beautiful when we can love humankind again..

        Please know ‘narc’ is not human! Real life is!

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2013

      HI Casey,

      thank you for your lovely comment.

      Yes I did pour from the heart, and NO it didn’t take courage – because I am so firmly committed to being transparent and authentic in every part for my life, (including public) – there simply is no other way to live!

      I TOTALLY know I have parented myself enough and love me enough that never again will I allow someone to abuse me with information against me – and THAT is so liberating!

      I also don’t need anyone’s approval to feel whole 🙂

      Oh yes my love – I ADORE that we are all ONE…absolutely!!

      There is no ‘superiority’ or ‘inferiority’ – and we are all in this together – with incredible love!

      Mel xo

  • Hannad83@live.co.uk'
    Hannah
    October 17, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    Thanks for such a great article and for sharing your experience. My question is a bit off the topic but I’m literally in a situation where I’ve got no one to ask for advice. I broke up with my narc bf a couple of months ago and now share the flat with a woman who says she’s a healer. She also recently had a relationship with a narc so I felt that I could relate to her and share my experience and thoughts with her. But something really doesn’t feel right as she’s quite controlling and things she does in the flat just don’t make sense. She constantly moves furniture around house (I know!) for the energy, says she can see auras and do all sort of energy healing. I opened up to her (she seemed quite understanding in the beginning) but I now find her energy intimidating and don’t feel comfortable around her. She’s a buddhist and only has a couple of things of her own. I don’t think I progressed as much in my own healing since I moved in with her and now keep getting panick attacks when she’s around which makes me feel worse. She says that she does the healing when we speak but I’m quite suspicious of what she actually does as I don’t understand what’s going on.I’m thinking of moving out as I’m not at peace here. I’m laughing at all this and just wanted to share to say that the healing path can be full of lunatics and how careful you need to be!

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      October 19, 2013

      If you are feeling uncomfortable around this woman and you can afford it you may consider moving out to your very own space, or asking her to move out. Listen to your gut; there is always a reason. You feel suspicious? There is a reason; you are not paranoid. She is buddhist? Really? Then why is she obviously not at peace? The panic attacks are happening for a reason. Perhaps something about her is triggering something that happened to you in your early childhood. Food for thought; please keep us posted; Cheers!

      • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
        Sylvia
        October 19, 2013

        Kay, for decades, I ignored my insticts about people and situations that I did not feel comfortable with. I always ended up regretting that, as it inevitably turned out that my instincts had been right! But I kept on doing it! The reason for that is, so often in my younger life, I had my feelings inavalidated by people who had ulterior motives for wanting me to doubt myself. “Gaslighting” was a common occurence. That was how I attracted so many Narcs and other disordered folks into my life – I could not trust my own gut feelings. Plus, I had been conditioned into high-tolerance of abusive behaviours, and thought that others were always “in the right”, no matter how disfunctionally they behaved. As for your friend, unfortunately, just because a person proclaims themselves to be spiritual, dosent always mean that they are. I have been caught out by that, at a very vulnerable time in my life. I met a lady who I thought was a good friend, but who turned to be extremely damaging to me. Having said that, I can now see that I had attracted that situation because of a faulty belief system. Trust yourself. Your mind and brain can lie to you, but your body cant. Trust those gut feelings, best of luck Darling xxx

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          Char
          November 8, 2016

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          http://websitesalley.us/skaties.lv
          November 28, 2016

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          kfz versicherung kündigung wochenende
          February 6, 2017

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          kredit na 24 meseca
          February 9, 2017

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          http://www.igeneratecoins.win/
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        • g25zh4hqbg3@yahoo.com'
          exotic motor world
          May 21, 2017

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    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      October 19, 2013

      Sorry, I adressed my reply to Kay when I meant Hannah

      • JewelinVentura@aol.com'
        Jeri Graehl
        October 23, 2013

        Sylvia and Hannah – That is exactly what happened to me. I am very intuitive but due to so much abuse, invalidation and gaslighting I to doubted myself and/or gave people the benefit of the doubt and suffered terribly more times than I want to own. I took a hard look at my life and several friend because I realized I was attracting emotionally damaging people in one form or another. I wish I had done it years ago but I was so conditioned to accept the unacceptable. The last one to go was my off the charts narc mother. She should have been the first to go. There is no hope for her at all – add alcoholism and she is horribly abusive. She has caused my so much pain in my life but I continued to add to it by allowing the wrong people in. I turned to God and take my guidance from prayer, scripture and my re developing intuition I am now paying close attention to. It can be lonely but it is worth it to take care of yourself and be the person you want to attract. Otherwise we can hit another devastating spiral and the pain is cumulative. It is all about awareness, allowing yourself the time and doing the work to heal. No one can do it for you. And it can be tempting to ease the pain by leaning on someone but that is when the predators are spotting for you. You will know you are healing when they stop coming out of the wood work. Hang in there everyone. Jeri

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    October 17, 2013

    It is true that we each are responsible for healing the wounds inside us that come from our childhoods. I know that I spent many years being angry and blaming my mother in particular for not giving me the love and attention that I deserved when I was a child. I did not realise that she was not doing this intentionally, but as a result of her own inner wounds, she could give me no more than she did out of her impoverished self. She did her best. One day in a therapy group, it hit me that this was a fact, I could not get a new childhood and the enormity of the wounds was what I was left with. On that day, I made a life-changing decision to stop blaming my mother, give up the victim stance and work as hard as I could to create a life that would work for me. If I chose not to do that, then I would remain a victim of my childhood forever. No-one was coming to rescue me and it was my responsibility to find a way to heal. I was angry, hurt, sad, extremely damaged and I had regressed to the emotional level of a young baby. I could not function in the world and I was very fortunate to be in an environment where I could get re-parented. The staff was wonderful. Those 6 years were amazing and I grew through the baby stage, the toddler stage and grew enough to be able to function in the world as an adult. I had to re-do my entire life. Fortunately it did not take more than a few years to consolidate. I was able to create a good life for my young daughter and me and went back to university and did extremely well, this time with a whole self that was integrated. I thought that I had completed the work but really, my most recent relationship with my ex-boyfriend who is a N has shown me that there is still more healing to do. It seems to come in layers. So, the beauty of taking responsibility and continuing the healing work, is that life keeps getting better and better once the pain is resolved. It is the only way to have a full life and it is something that has to come from within me; not something that I can look to the outside world to give me. There is something solid in the self-made life and the other wonderful thing is that nobody can take from you that which you have earned yourself, because it belongs to you and is solid.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2013

      Hi Suzanne,

      all very true and empowering…

      Thank you for your share 🙂

      Mel xo

  • aadamski2@aol.com'
    BH
    October 17, 2013

    Oh no, I failed the muscle test: I love (then said my name). My pets names work fine.

    Mel thank you for being our guide, I need to do more NARP. I get to a point where my body says, while doing shifts, “okay, you’re done, nothing more here” but I know that’s not true. Just old programming with much more heaviness to shift. Clearly need to embrace my child’s wounds more or the muscle test would have worked. I still also find I’m addicted to narc (somewhat, even with no contact). THANKYOU MEL for all the guidance and ways to test ourselves.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2013

      Hi BH,

      that’s okay – it is so much better to make what is unconscious – that isn’t serving us – conscious!

      If you still feel addicted to the narc that is because there are some ‘young’ parts in you who don’t feel safe, supported and protected, and are still hooked.

      Feel into the ‘pull’ ask ‘How old is this part of me?’ and ask ‘What is this fear?’ Your answers will make INCREDIBLE sense to you.

      Those are the parts that you need to shift out with NARP Modules, and then you will have ZERO pull / attraction.

      The child is ‘clinging’ to a person who matches those belief systems about ‘feeling unsupported’ ‘feeling unsafe’ ‘feeling unlovable’ etc etc. You were always going to ‘love’ someone who would present more validity of those beliefs.

      See the connection?

      Clean that up and you will be the Internal Healthy Adult who IS those commodities to yourself and has no attraction to anything less.

      You are very welcome BH 🙂

      Mel xo

  • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
    Patti
    October 17, 2013

    Boy, you really hit the nail on the head for me in something you said in this article. I have never had difficulty forgiving anyone in my life, even my mom who was the source for a LOT of pain in my childhood and adulthood. But, this N relationship I have been out of for 8 months now is a whole different ball game.

    Simply put, even beyond the abuse while in the relationship, the discard and then getting engaged a week later and married 4 months later really, REALLY hurt. It struck a VERY painful, sensitive chord inside me. I find myself still, even after doing a lot of inner work with NARP, obsessing about seeing him hurt and abandoned in his new relationship. I want life to “get him”! As you said, I feel the only thing that will satisfy my hurt is for him to get just payback. I can’t believe I’m even thinking this way because it is so out of character for me! I realize from reading so many of your articles (especially this one) that these ugly feelings I am experiencing have probably to do more with some unknown inner childhood wound than with him.

    At any rate, it really troubles me. Do you have any thoughts what belief system this is coming from, and what module in NARP (or FOO or Empowered self course, I have them all) would help me get to the bottom of this? I want to get to the place where I could care less about if he is happy or miserable.

    And I echo the others on the blog and say thank you for your vulnerability in your articles. It helps me not feel like I’m the only one who has found herself in yet ANOTHER destructive relationship (this one I just got out of).

    You are wonderful and such an inspiration to me.

    Much love,

    Patti

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 18, 2013

      Hi Patti,

      That is one of the most difficult parts of recovery from narcissistic abuse – the D and D and replacement. However when you realise most narcs do it, you can see how sad it is.

      Firstly narcissists do not ever change their internal belief systems and patterns, so they have simply signed up for more dysfunction and playing out the same relationship pattern again.

      They also don’t have enough inner resources to hold their own emotional space without needing a ‘parent’ rather than a ‘partner’ – hence why they NEED someone so quickly.

      It is incredibly immature to be with someone that quickly and propose and get married. Normal healthy adults simply don’t behave that way.

      Often narcs do this to simply ‘pay back’ the ex-partner. That is the ‘glee’ of it, it often has nothing to do with genuine love for the ‘next’ person – this person is simply an ‘object’ a ‘tool’ to play out revenge with.

      Let them have any of all of that sickness I say!!!

      And let them keep living in the bed they continually make for themselves…because there is absolutely no upside or relief to it.

      Ok so back to you – where the real shift needs to take place..

      Patti there is a very young part inside you who is hurting here, and that is the part we need to find, claim and release.

      I can only guess the belief systems of you – your BODY is holding the knowledge of what they really are.

      This is what you need to do – and this can REALLY help you find the young hurting part.

      Think about him with her, and allow yourself to really ‘be’ with the feeling of the pain. Don’t run from it, accept it.

      Now see where this pain appears in your body. Is it in your heart? In your solar plexus etc?

      When you know where it is in your body, drop inside into the feeling and ask this part of you “How old are you?” Trust the answer you ‘feel’, or what pops into your head.

      Then you will know when this started to happen for you in this life.

      Now ask ‘her’ (the 2, 3, 5, 8 years old – how ever old she is)…”What is this about? What are you feeling?”

      Now try to identify this as an “I am….” statement – or an “I am not…” statement.

      When you can claim it and name it and feel it and shift it out of your body with QFH that is where you will have a profound change to your Inner Identity.

      Can you do that process and let me know what you get?

      And maybe if you are willing to share that conversation here, you will be able to help a lot of people who are also feeling great distress and pain over the narcissist and their new source of supply.

      Mel xo

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    October 18, 2013

    My narc wife is the youngest of 6 siblings. She was abused in every way imaginable. Her brothers were crazy and wild and her mother a narc. They lived in abject poverty often going hungry.

    I stepped in to rescue her from this mess and the thanks I got was 22 years of narcissistic abuse.

    No more rescuing for me, I learned my lesson.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 18, 2013

      Hi Stephen,

      it is great that you know that pattern doesn’t serve you and you have a firm intent to never show up like that again in life.

      Kudos to you!

      Mel xo

  • juliecelik@aol.com'
    juliana
    October 19, 2013

    In response to some of the comments I have read, my belief is that taking 100% responsibility does not mean blaming or shaming ourselves AT ALL! all it means is that we need to have the maturity to recognize and understand why the relationship happened, why we allowed a narc in our lives, why we allowed ourselves to be mistreated and how to prevent it from happening again. That means going deep inside ourselves and figuring out our wounds, and NOT going inside the narc to try to figure out what is wrong with him, –although understanding who and what he is does help in terms of NOT BLAMING ourselves for the hurtful acts the narc did to us.
    Taking responsibility is growing up and learning to take care of ourselves.

    • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
      Sylvia
      October 19, 2013

      Juliana, I totally agree. For decades of my life, I blamed “out there”, without having a clue that what we are looking at, is a mirror! x

  • brainwave.surf@gmail.com'
    UL
    October 23, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for all the insights ; all that material that you have put out there.I have a typical history, both parents are Narcs; besides coming across Narc women at work, have been involved with 2 Narcs earlier , and right now with another who didn’t seem like one until I read about your experience with an “altruistic” Narc. That one really fooled me. Finding it very difficult to break away. Your being involved again with another one has me feeling a bit disheartened. Will one ever be free of getting enmeshed with these “people”?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 23, 2013

      Hi UL,

      You are very welcome!

      Yes, the Altruistic narc is mind-bend. That is exactly what threw me too – (apart from of course my inner parts which still required healing).

      YES, YES and YES we will UL – totally! It is all about deeply, deeply commiting to the ‘why’ within us that we were / are still playing out being abused.

      When we do and really get into that deep inner work, then absolutely we are different, we show up differently and no longer will we enmesh with unhealthy people without honouring ourselves because of the survival fears of rejection, abandonment or engulfment.

      TRULY!

      Mel xo

  • jreute@hotmail.com'
    joy
    November 8, 2013

    I have found this blog incredibly helpful in recognizing my own areas needing healing. The trick is to find a facilitator who can help you with the energetic, emotional, and mental patterns you have been engaged in for so long. One cannot recover alone and I would like to think that just the right person will show up for me but so far this hasn’t been the case. I am still confronting anger in my life and do not know how to overcome this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2013

      Hi Joy,

      I am so pleased my information has helped.

      My Programs teach you how to go within, claim those limiting beleifs and shift them out. They reconnect you with you inherent inner wisdom on how to be your own healer – absolutely.

      Mel xo

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    celina
    February 25, 2014

    Hi mel, I understand having to heal unhealed parts. But why should it be our responsibility? Why not our parents who caused them? You know so many narcs including my narc mother didn’t want us; children. They tell us they should of had an abortion. And every male/female narc I know has abortions by them. My aborted five times. And my ex narc made is gf abort one. They never wanted us, any of us, they messed us up and some of us are dysfunctional and reclusive. We cant mix easily with people. And its our job to fix us??? Hello they should just never given birth. Then our life would not be hell. They r laughing. They are sick and get to fix nothing at all. I have five children. I pkanned and wanted each and every one. I bonded with them like a mother should. Not like my cold inhuman mother.

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    celina
    February 25, 2014

    On the sixth line down I meant to write my mum aborted five times. Thats 5 babies she did not want. She had three daughters, me being the eldest. She never wanted me. She should heal my wounds. Why is it my fault if she already had wounds. She should of chosen not to have any kids if she was that broken.she was not so naive to not know that child hood wounds get passed on. In her womb I was at risk of the likelihood of emotional & psychical harm. She must of really been ignorant or didn’t care. She only got pregnant to keep my father. He almost did leave her but she forced him 2 stay. Anyway the best outcome would have been for social services to remove each one of her 3 kids from her at birth. I would of had parents that were capable of loving. Love is harmony. I didn’t get REAL love. Fake narcissists. Idealise, devalue & finally DISCARD!!

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