Melanie Tonia Evans

Domestic Abuse Cycles, Safety Planning And Support Services With Fiona

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This show is a very important one for the New Life Community. It is an interview with a lady who works on ‘the front line’ with domestic violence, and it is fantastic that we can receive her knowledge and advice today.

I know personally how involved my work is with people who have been abused, but truly I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be to see the real life results of abuse in the flesh day after day, and have to deal with the trauma of what goes on.

This lady in my eyes is incredible, and it is such a privileged to have her on my show.

Please listen to this interview where Fiona will be sharing her knowledge about domestic abuse cycles, safety planning and support services

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You can also read the details of the interview below…(Please note there is a great deal more specific information with the radio interview).

My name is Fiona and I work as a high risk domestic violence caseworker and support people who are in domestic violence where police are involved. My role is to case manage and support families, women and children with safety planning, high risk exit plans, referrals to services that can support the cycle of violence being broken and information.

I have studied in Community Services and business management.


You have been involved with several community projects Fiona, what are these?

My previous career was a soldier in the Australian Army as a graphic designer and photographer. I have used these skills to put together domestic violence information packs and safety information for people in domestic violence.

The several different community committees to educate and resource community projects I have been involved with are:

  • “Dance Away Violence” Campaign (School age community run disco’s with the adolescents leading the committee and then educating other adolescents about domestic violence)
  • Domestic violence information flyers about domestic violence and local service contacts for the “back of toilet door” campaign for shopping centres and nightclubs.
  • “Love Bites” high school program about domestic violence and sexual assault.
  • “No More Silence Against Domestic and Family Violence” Campaign (information and training for hair dressers, doctors surgeries and local cafe’s.

Fiona you are very dedicated to your work as a mission. What are the reforms you are passionate about creating?

I will refer to the person experiencing domestic violence as a woman; however do acknowledge that men also experience violence from their partners or family members.

The majority of violence is perpetrated against women and most of my work is with the aggrieved (about 90% are women). I also work with the perpetrators if they request support also.

I am extremely passionate about working with families who have or are experiencing domestic violence. My mission is to educate people about healthy relationships based on equality and respect for one another, support, knowledge and education.

My passion includes working with individuals and families experiencing domestic violence; presentations to educational institutions and government and non government agencies and work places.

As a support worker I am very aware of the power and control that the person is living with and how difficult it is for many people to make the decision to change their circumstances in the violent relationship due to the perpetrator’s power to control all of their decisions.

It is a very crucial and difficult decision whether to continue the relationship or end the relationship.

I have produced domestic violence information packs and safety planning packs to give to clients, as many of the clients are extremely distressed at the time of meeting them and they often feel overwhelmed by having to make decisions to protect themselves and their families.

When supporting people through the judicial system I provide information and referrals that will enhance taking their power back.

This involves looking at what domestic violence is (many people still believe that it is just physical), what does the cycle of violence look like, the impacts of domestic violence on their self esteem, the brainwashing and threats to keep them in the relationship e.g. No one will want you, You are not good enough, I am the only person who would put up with you, You are not capable of looking after yourself, I will kill myself or you if you leave, etc.

I refer clients to services that will support their needs, counselling, DV services, refuge, housing, family supports, group supports and over the years I have given out your website for women who want to have a greater understanding of recovery and an understanding of narcissistic abuse.


Can you please explain the cycle of violence Fiona.

The cycle of violence begins with the honeymoon stage (which as a result of your work I now am calling ‘lovebombing’), and this is followed by a time of tension building proceeding the abusive event. During this period the aggrieved often feels or knows that something is going to happen again.

This is then followed by the ‘event’, the act of abuse. Then there is a period of remorse. The remorse doesn’t have to come from the perpetrator. Often, because of the perpetrator convincing the aggrieved it is her fault – she will take the blame for the event in order to retain the relationship. Then the love bombing cycle happens again, and the cycle continues.

Generally the time inbetween phases of the cycle get shorter and shorter and the abusive events become more intense.


Statistics are really quite scary, as to how long the abuse will continue before people will leave. And of course because of the work I do and my personal experience with narcissists, I totally understand why people get hooked and stay. What are the statistics?

The average number of times a person goes through the cycle of violence is about 6 – 9 times.

Women stay in the relationship for many different reasons and if external support people, families or friends pressure the women to leave, rather than her making this decision herself she is likely to return to the relationship.

When the women returns to the relationship she can have feelings of powerlessness, and she will experience higher levels of control from the controlling partner. Then the woman feels helpless and stupid when further violence happens.

In my experience if the decision to leave is due to pressure from someone else, she will more than likely be at risk of more severe violence and not report the abuse again.

Respect for her decisions is very important, and I also give information and resources for friends and family members so they too can support instead of control.


Many women have hidden the pain and the abuse they are experiencing, why is this?

Some women have never spoken to anyone about what is happening in their relationships due to shame and guilt. Additionally there may be fear of punishment of the partner, and often because the partner has isolated her and convinced people that she is the crazy one.

The first contact that I make after a violence occurrence, some women find it difficult to talk about. I will ask questions about them and their safety to begin with and let them know that domestic violence is a difficult discussion to have and lots of women feel that way too.

Usually after a little time their story starts to come out. It is very important to believe what they are telling you and to let them know that the violence is not their fault; there are agencies and supports in the community that can be helpful to assist them.


Many women who are abused are deeply confused about ‘what to do’. How do you help them start getting clear about their options?

When I am working with women, many feedback about having other people’s opinions and choices for ‘what she should do’ in their head and as a result they don’t know what decision to make.

There is also coercion and threats from the perpetrator, as well as often her family and friends saying she should stay, and his family saying that she should stay.

I support the women to find what her voice says and let her know that I am flexible to change direction at any times, and that she does not have any pressure from me. My role is to walk alongside of her.

I have worked with women who have left after the first incident of violence and others who have stayed for many, many years.  Each time I contact the aggrieved (a better term than victim) they are able to relate back to me about what is happening for them, what tactics are being used by their partner or ex-partner and how they can recognise the cycle.

At times minimisation and blame occurs by both parties, we discuss who is responsible for the violence and how other factors like drugs and alcohol, mental health and other factors can be contributors to violence; however the person using the violence is responsible for the abuse. We cannot make people stop using violence; we can only control how we respond to what they are doing to us.

I give out information about how domestic violence impacts on children and how the aggrieved can protect her children and also get them supports for counselling.


Our philosophies are very similar in that trying to get someone to rescue us from our own pain and dysfunctional relationships is not the answer.

I speak with women after they have ended the relationship about the importance of looking after themselves and that they do not need to be in a relationship or to find a new partner that can rescue them to recover from the abuse.

Usually when women find a partner to rescue them, they end up in a relationship that is similar to their last one or worse.


In high risk situations safety planning is necessary – could you talk a little about this?

When I support women I discuss a support plan that will work for them to become more empowered. I respect their decision to stay or leave the relationship (this is very important for support workers, friends and family as others can become another form of power and control on the person).

Safety planning is a priority – I have a safety plan that they can hide easily as it is difficult to remember everything when you are stressed.  Some women report that their partner controls what she reads, who she talks to and where she goes. Discussions of who are her support people, neighbours, friends or family that can assist her if needed or contact police if the violence increases.  It’s important to provide her with the contacts numbers for refuges and information regarding where can she go in an emergency.


In domestic violence situations often the abused may become ‘an abuser’ also. Can you please explain this?

I have found that some women when they take their power back, at times attempt to take the power from their partner or ex-partner too.

I have seen women then get arrested for assaults and being charged. The original abuser then gets a domestic violence order through the courts and the original victim is now being setup for breaches of orders and receiving criminal records themselves.

The court system then gets utilised as another form of power and control.  This can leave the original “victims” feeling powerless and helpless to receive help or they may feel that people will not believe them.


Narcissistic relationships are horrific and violent – at the very least verbal, mental, emotional and financial, but this can also become physical and sexual violence. What is your view of the possible reform of these relationships?

I believe that some couples can work on their relationships and the relationship can become healthy and respectful; however many are so controlling and violent that the relationship has no hope of surviving. We still have a patriarchal culture in our country and this will only continue to change through community education and awareness towards healthier relationships.

Domestic violence is so complex and when the abused person has grown up with narcissistic parent/s and then met their partner that is narcissistic also, life appears to be ‘normal’.

Challenging mindsets towards healthy relationships can take a lot of self-actualisation and a healthy space to recover fully. Everyone’s journey is different and through your website and other available support services people now have more resources than ever to recover.


Some relationships are very high risk. It is terribly to be emotionally and mentally battered, but some relationships are under threat of grievous bodily harm as well. What is your advice to people in the New Life community who are in such a position?

My advice to people who are experiencing domestic violence is to link in with their local domestic violence services to get support. I have worked for DV services; DV medium term housing support services; family support services and supervised in children contact centres.

There are many great workers found in these places that are trained in crisis work. The workers can then advocate and support you with police and the court system if required.

Help lines in your state are also available and can direct you to people and services that can help you and your family to stay safe.

Support contacts include:

Local domestic violence service and women’s services

  • 1800 RESPECT – Australia wide domestic violence and sexual assault counselling and referral service
  • Life Line
  • Kids helpline


We were in contact some years ago Fiona, and then recently I received an email from a lady who is a client of yours, very excited that you were referencing my work to people. And this is what has led to us connecting and creating this interview – because truly we do share the same passion of women especially (not to leave out abused men) claiming their sanity, lives, power and wellbeing back…

 How did you first learn about my work?

I first learnt about your work when a woman who I was working with was doing the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and showed me your website.

I have worked with thousands of women in DV, however this women’s progress to recovery was so profound. She went from someone that was extremely fearful and felt like an absolute victim to a woman that recognised that her ex partner was responsible for the abuse on her.

Every week that I met with her, you could see how empowered she became and her enthusiasm to take responsibility for her own circumstances and make her own internal changes and take charge of her life was inspiring.

She was able to set healthy boundaries for herself and only say yes to things that were going to enhance her life. This woman was forced to move to another state with her child due to a family law decision, she had no support and struggled financially to survive. The women continued doing the NARP program and began her own business so that she could provide for her family.

She was an absolute standout from all the other women I had worked with.

This woman’s confidence and empowerment continued to grow. The woman’s feedback to me was that she was stronger than ever before due to embracing her situation and understanding of whom she is and what her values and beliefs are.

After seeing this woman’s profound recovery experience I started referring other woman to your website, especially the ones who want more answers on why this has happened to them and how do they move forward from here.

I recommend your site as there is great information on how to break the cycle of violence, how to have no contact so that you can minimise the tactics that the ex-partner can use, to get you back in the relationship. Many women link in with the local domestic violence service and we have great counsellors and women’s groups there that are extremely supportive also.

A high number of women who are in a domestic violence relationship are unable to access counselling or support as they are afraid or have been threatened that if they seek help or call the police that they or their family will be harmed.

Your website has free information that can help women understand their own situation and hear other women’s stories of empowerment that they are able to relate to. This makes them feel less isolated and alone in their journey.

Some women have gone on to complete the NARP program and the information that they have feed back to me, is that this program has changed their life, they are more empowered, they are no longer asking “Why me?”, instead they are saying “What have I learnt and how have I grown from this experience?”

I have seen that they start making healthy choices for themselves, and state that they feel that a weight has been lifted off their shoulders as they see that they are not the ones with the issues the abuser accuses them of, and that the issues of abuse lie with the abuser.

The women that have gone on to do the NARP program consistently feedback to me how empowered they are and how they no longer see themselves as victims and say that they know what sort of life they want and expect now.

I have seen some programs for women that are very expensive and most women fleeing DV cannot afford thousands of dollars to do recovery programs. I love that women can do your program in their own time and also get support from you throughout their progress.

I consider the NARP program is very affordable and value for money compared to some programs that I have seen, and I know it delivers very real results.

Your website also offers effective programs and supports for empowerment that is good value for money. The information that is free like your e-books, newsletter, radio shows and articles are great if they cannot afford your other programs to begin with.

I have seen how much your website has helped people who are living in survival mode to connect to how to recover and live their life to the fullest.  Rediscovering who they are and what they want in their life, what their values and beliefs are and taking their own power back in order to break the abuse cycle.

The people that do the inner work are more likely to recover and lead a fulfilling life. Part of the support plan in the work that I do, is about safety and several different support services and resources that will help break the cycle of violence.

Once women have moved past the crisis point and they are able to make their own decision and know what they want to do, and I have built a good report with them, I recommend your website and other supports for them.


I Hope You Found This Interview Helpful

I had an incredible time doing this interview – co-connecting with Fiona’s passion, and realising how incredible and powerful it is that there are people like Fiona in the world totally living their mission to make a difference in the world.

A mission I am incredibly heartfelt about and connected to as well…

I hope for those of you, who are suffering high levels of abuse, that you realise there is help, and that you can connect to services where you do have choices for your life – that there is safety, shelter and security provided, as well as the support and guidance to get out, stay out and recover your life.

I look forward to your comments on the blog.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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22 Thoughts on Domestic Abuse Cycles, Safety Planning And Support Services With Fiona
    October 19, 2013

    Dear Melanie,

    I am one of the fortunate women to have been helped by Fiona. Until I found myself in a situation that required police assistance I had no idea that there was such help available. Fiona assisted me with escape planning, made all the more difficult as I was in my own home and every option carried risks to my personal safety. She was present at almost every court attendance, answered my every question and was a wealth of information. She referred me to your website and recovery program. Her passion and dedication is amazing.
    Althought this journey is often difficult, I am grateful for the experience. As a health professional, apart from obvious physical abuse, I am now very attuned to subtle signs that a woman is at risk and on several occasions have been able to pay the help I’ve received forward, by referring to both Fiona and your website, Melanie.

    Many blessing to you both


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 21, 2013

      Hi Jacqui,

      I agree that it would be such a blessing for people in DV situations to be gifted with Fiona’s input.

      She is so passionate and committed.

      Jacqui, that is beautiful that you are now helping others to gain the information and support they require to recover.

      Many blessings to you too Jacqui.

      Mel xo

      November 21, 2013

      My wife tells me and at times around others i am narcissistic.But the real truth she has all the caricature and the signs you have on here and she also has depression and her mother is bipolar and her father clinical depression.Been together 8 years and numerous break ups. Been married 3 years of the 8.First year of marriage i filled for divorce because i could not handle it and she could not see what she is doing and sets the stage for destruction.She creates things then for to justify for her actions.She is very insecure and that alone creates things.I do nursing with 2 patients in my home through foster a vet program and it 24/7 and with her makes my work oh so hard.I love her so much but cant get her to see the light of day on what she is creating.Heck she is making me pay for her storage until i put her name on my house,no sex,no breakfast,taking on from her temporary custody of her 9 year old that i am also supporting.And yet she go’s on like nothing is happening and says she will not leave my home even under the circumstances.She told granddaughter i was selfish,accusing me of things she creates and says she don’t trust me and i am a lie’er at every level. When i try to feed back to her comments ,she gets mad and don’t wont to listen to my response. I am very loving,been patient and still try. She don’t feel guilt on these things other wise she would change.She can get very vindictive and threatening.I want a divorce and i told her why stay if i am not happy as well as you. She said she has her granddaughter is why she cant leave. So i told her then you are just using me and she said nothing back.She thinks i am cheating i feel only because she is not doing her part in all i have said ,so that creates more insecurities.She said that everything i worked and paid for and got everything paid of including my house be for we were married is hers just because i am her husband.No matter what or hard i try nothing makes her happy unless i keep quite and let her do her thing.Help.

      Megan stafford
      October 12, 2017

      I am going through all of this but in my situation the police will NOT help me. They refuse to even report or take my reports. He has called dept. Of child services filed a false report to then saying I was neglect8ng my child but was getting her at this time his claim is provved to be false but nobody will prosecute him. I have list my fatty to his unwillingness to pay I list my career due to him not c coming for my daughter or he filed neglect with dcs so now can’t get job In medical field as I wanted in pediatrics I am walking around with no support he’s driven my family to stop talking to me because it got old….me constantly talking about this abuse. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME I AM IN THE ARIZONA AREA AND I NEED SOME HELP OR REASSURANCE ASAP. I HAVE COURT 11/6. I LOVE MMY DAUGHTER AND FEAR FOR WHAT LIES AHEAD.

        Megan stafford
        October 12, 2017

        I have lost my attorney *** correction

    October 20, 2013

    Thank you for mentioning that men also get abused. I am finding no support for obtaining safety, community or affirmation. It is proving difficult and dangerous to file a civil restraining order with the courts. Please advise.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 21, 2013

      Hi rj,

      You are welcome, and I certainly do acknowledge men also suffer narcissistic abuse, and as such work with male clients and within NARP.

      My speciality is about healing within and becoming empowered in order to co-create with life the opening, support and results that you need – my work isn’t within the practical ‘outer’ ways to get results.

      If you could provide more details, others may have suggestions for you.

      Mel xo

    October 20, 2013

    I love the fact that your work has been recognised by the DV service. It can only mean that your remarkable and life saving work meeting people who present at these places can strengthen.

    I am someone who completed the NARP program and I have moved on to living an empowered life now. I know what Fiona is talking about when she describes the way that one woman stood out because she took control of her life. It is all possible with your program Melanie. I refer so many friends and other women to your website and materials.

    I strongly believe though, as Fiona said, the woman has to be ready and to have had enough herself to take any steps to leave and to recover. I have a friend in this position. I try to tell her that when she is ready, that there are many resources available to improve her life.

    I’m in a happy, healthy relationship now after 6 years and this could not have been possible until I had worked on myself. I’m hoping she can see that the 6 years I went through after leaving were hard, but I hope she can see how much I grew in that time. I’m so grateful in every way for the experience I had. I appreciate every wonderful thing that I allow in my life now.

    Congratulations Melanie and Fiona, you do amazing work and together I believe you can decrease the destruction that Domestic Violence can cause in disempowered lives.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 21, 2013

      Hi Kellie,

      I love it too! I am thrilled to see my work becoming main stream, and being able to help individuals in such high-risk circumstances – especially those who thought their lives were smashed beyond repair.

      That is wonderful Kellie that you are Thriving and now leading others to the deeper healing paths available also.

      I agree that there is a lot of scope for the combination of inner work with great outer support systems.

      That is gorgeous that you did the work and now have a beautiful life and relationship!

      Thank you for your post 🙂

      Mel xo

    October 20, 2013

    Thank goodness that finally there are people in the community who can actually help people who are in abusive relationships to leave and regain more empowered and healthy lives. I can remember going through the Family Court system and having the court counselor for mediation side with my ex and it was so hard when there was no support for me because the counselor colluded with my ex. When I got angry and he was calm, that was so infuriating. I can remember all the times when he contacted my friends and all the people I knew, more times than I care to think, to say bad things about me. He would say that I was crazy and deranged and that I was sick. Fortunately I did not believe what he was saying and just kept on living my own life. It was many years ago now and I am very glad that now we have Melanie and QFH and all the articles that allow people to see the dynamics of abuse and free themselves from a hellish life. There was nothing back then! I am glad that the police are becoming more educated too. One thing that I would like to share is that restraining orders don’t work and that used to make me feel very frustrated. The court would say that the aggrieved person has to have proof. However, by the time that the police come, he is long gone and there is no proof because the abuser always manages to do the abusive acts in such a way or in such a place that no-one sees. The Family Court is useless too! When my daughter was little and I was in court for contempt (yet again) for trying to protect her, I was told that unless she was injured or died, or that there was proof of him hurting her, they would not act because it was considered that an adult would act responsibly. It was horrible knowing that I was the one being taken to court for contempt when he was the one doing the destructive actions. Knowing all this at the time, I made a wise decision to take matters into my own hands and do what I could to protect my daughter and myself legally that he could not violate. Those nightmare days are over for me, but I am so glad that the information is getting out there so that people in abusive relationships now have more information and there is NARP and all the e-books and the facebook site so that people can support each other. I am looking forward to the day when all people have sufficient internal power so that they do not accept the abuse that their intimate partner is visiting on them. When the day comes that abusers have no-one to rescue them, then that might be the day that this patriarchal culture turns itself around and the abusers finally have to look at and own the way they relate to their intimate partners.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 21, 2013

      Hi Suzanne,

      it is lovely that so much more awareness and reform is now becoming possible through our systems.

      I feel a trend in evolution which is very heartening to say the least – where the truth can start to stand up, and more abusers will be exposed and help accountable by the system.

      I do agree, that when there is a greater shift with people becoming a healthy source to themselves narcissists will no longer be able to operate.

      What a wonderful world that will be to live in!

      Mel xo

      January 27, 2016

      You said that you finally took matters into your own hands to protect your young daughter and yourself legally, that He could not violate. What is it that you did? I have a seven year old daughter that is in the very same position as your daughter.

    October 21, 2013

    I have been in recovery for 20 yers bought ll th ew books did all the vourseson abisuverelationshipsand the only reliefI have got is from fiona s NARP is is incredible ho w it works it is so me I just cant believe how much I identfy with all she writes in my previous recovery programmes I somehow felt resaponsible for getting envolved with these NARC relationships but fiona has a lovely gentle way of dealing with that and yes the final analysis is up to me to change and move on or two stay with the abuse
    god bless you Fiona you have saved my life
    my sanity and the sanity of my family
    your programme for recovery really works I could sell books on recovery not one of them changed anything my life they dont deal with the root cause of the problem. The weeds
    Fiona,s programme does. thanks so much Fiona

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 21, 2013

      Hi Joan,

      I am so pleased you have been able break through – and clean out the ‘weeds’ – the old wounded programs.

      That is wonderful that you are healing 🙂

      Mel xo

    October 23, 2013

    I attended court and although my case was not heard Guess what? my N X turned up with all his adult children, and this is mainly to prevent me obtaining the family home. Our youngest is 21 and I am paying for her in college. I have told nothing to those young adults or even given them any detail of the horrific life I have had with my N. He is so manipulative and plays the perfect victim-he is good at this as he is all his life at this. Your program and website has been my life saver, as I was very far gone with his abuse after 29 years, I was becoming what he was saying, it was horrendous and I was losing my mind. Keep up your wonderful work for women like us who have lost the very core of our being with those vampires. With thanks and blessings Maureen

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 23, 2013

      HI Maureen,

      hugs and well wishes go out to you in this difficult time.

      Keep releasing the pain and the fear and hold yourself in the integrity that you truly are – that is the best way for this to all unfold in ways that do honour the truth of you.

      I am so pleased you are finding your truth, and connecting back to the core of Who You Really Are.

      Please know that we are all here supporting you.

      Mel xo

    October 23, 2013

    Dear Mel,
    So far I am 7 months into healing after Domestic Violence. It caught me off-guard as I never imagined it would go that far. But that was the final boundary violation for me and so I have done 7 months no-contact.
    Since Domestic Violence brings an abrupt end there was no closure for me. Here is how I am bringing about closure: I have a box of beautiful rocks in my car. I have written on some of them (things I need to write about aspects of the relationship or things about him or just words). When I drive somewhere that seems like a good spot to do it, I take a rock, place it in a spot that feels right, and I say I leave “you” here. Then I give it my blessing and say “you are not in my life any more.” I still have loads of pain, no mistake about that. But somehow this little ritual is helping a bit. Maybe it can help someone else too- or they can create their own version of this.
    Thanks for all your articles and NARP, which I am just starting.

    Namaste, Melissa

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    October 23, 2013

    Hi Mar,

    That is such a beautiful little ritual. I do believe that symbolic ‘things’ can have such a powerful effect on our Inner Being and help grant us strength and relief.

    Thank you Mar for sharing this to assist others.

    You are very welcome Mar, and I am so pleased you can now connect to the deep inner shifts of NARP.

    Mel xo

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    August 8, 2018

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