Melanie Tonia Evans

When Does Passive-Aggressive Behaviour Become Narcissistic?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I’m really excited to write this article, because this is a question that many people ask: “Is this narcissistic or is this simply passive-aggressive?”

So what is passive-aggressive behaviour? And how does it cross the line into being narcissistic … or is passive-aggressive behaviour simply narcissistic anyway?

Wikipedia states it as being this: Passive-aggressive behaviour is “a type of behaviour … characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation.”

I truly do believe that all narcissists operate in passive-aggressive ways, because being passive-aggressive means this – rather than being open and honest about what that person is feeling, or working in with people honestly, or asking for what is required personally, they express displeasure through actions instead.

With people who are not necessarily suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it can be easier to spot and it’s more obvious, yet with narcissists, it can be so underhand and cloaking in agenda and manipulation, as well as conscienceless deceit, that it can be very hard to pinpoint.

This is what narcissists are famous for – intensely confusing behaviour that distorts other people’s grasp on reality.

In this article today, I want to dissect and make this topic as clear for you as I possibly can.

I feel to do this we can look at:

  • Non-narcissistic passive-aggressive behaviour
  • Narcissistic passive-aggressive behaviour
  • And narcissists who the passive-aggressive personality type.

And I hope it helps you understand where passive-aggressive behaviour is, and when it is unmistakably narcissistic.

 

Non-narcissistic Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

Obvious passive-aggressive behaviour is never fun to experience. It’s uncomfortable and quite ugly to be around.

Let’s imagine the following scene – a Mother, we will call her Joan, is cooking tea for her husband and her children.

Joan is banging pots ferociously. She is slamming cupboard doors loudly.

What is this about?

She has been doing housework all day while the kids were on their X-boxes and her husband watched sport on TV. No-one offered to help, and then they all start asking her “What’s for dinner?”

Joan, rather than asking for what she wants and needs honestly (a helping hand), is making more and angrier noise to try to get her point across.

Does it work? No!

After dinner, when no-one picks up their plate from the table, Joan literally throws them in the dishwasher. She then storms off to her bedroom and slams the door.

Is this passive-aggressive? Yes, absolutely it is. Does this mean that she is a narcissist? Not necessarily. It may simply mean she doesn’t know her worth and feels guilty about asking for and receiving help and hopes others “do the right thing” without her having to go through feeling guilty as a result of asking.

I would argue that this is the product of our defunct emotional intelligence in our curriculum. We weren’t taught our worth and the health of asking for help, and being able to receive healthily.

Rather, sacrificial service was taught as the value, and “give to others to get”, rather than be responsible for generating our own healthy life, which means asking for help if needed and setting boundaries and saying “No” if feeling overwhelmed or taken advantage of.

Also, I believe our societal, religious and conditional family beliefs of feeling unworthy, defective and flawed have caused us to need to prove our worth. Very few of us have believed (or acted like) we are worthy of love as we are – and we have turned ourselves inside out, overburdened ourselves and felt totally overwhelmed trying to do enough, to be enough to be loved and accepted.

If we don’t believe we are worthy of love and support and have no idea how to ask for it in healthy ways, of course we are going to feel emptied out, unsupported and overwhelmed at times.

Naturally, this leads to, at times, being passive-aggressive.

Because we unconsciously resent what we are doing to ourselves, we naturally start to resent others as well. We blame them, we hold them responsible for not giving us what we want from them to feel okay on the inside. We may, at times, lash out in passive-aggressive ways.

Is this narcissistic? Yes, we could argue that it is. It’s unconscious and it IS lashing out, regardless of how justified we may feel to do it. Yet, really these are the traits of co-dependents. The truth is co-dependents and narcissists can at times seem very similar when triggered into unhealed raw wounds.

However, there are major differences between a narcissistic passive-aggressive individual and a person who can be passive-aggressive at times.

Let’s examine Joan, as our non-narcissistic example.

In Joan’s everyday life she is happy for other people to do well, and loves and supports her family, friends and community. She is a good woman – she contributes to others, genuinely cares and has compassion and does what she says she will for people. She would be horrified about the concept of taking out revenge on someone or seeking to hurt anyone on purpose.

Where she does struggle, is believing she deserves and is worthy of receiving help. She suffers from the human and often female affliction of, “It’s my duty to serve others tirelessly” and “I need to do all of this for others to be loved and accepted”. And, because she can’t ask for help, sometimes it all gets too much for her.

In stark contrast, people who are suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are capable of taking passive-aggressive behaviour to a whole other level.

Let’s explore what that is.

 

Passive-Aggression and Narcissism

Narcissistic passive-aggressive behaviour is usually not as obvious as Joan’s banging around in the kitchen.  It’s more like a “who done it?” mystery where you are trying to piece together the things that don’t add up, as well as the nasty “off” behaviour which seems senseless.

Yet, to the narcissist it makes perfect sense – they are punishing you for something which according to them you did or didn’t do which displeased them.

The following I thoroughly believe – all the buzz words with narcissism, such as triangulation, smearing, gas-lighting, hoovering, all the things that narcissists do to confuse, abuse and get their own way – are passive-aggressive.

The feeling that something is “not right” comes about pretty quickly when the narcissist starts his or her passive-aggressive behaviour. You know they are “up to something” or something is “off” regarding what is REALLY going on in the background, but you can’t really pinpoint it.

And if we bring “it” to their attention (whatever we feel “it” is), they will vehemently deny it and twist it around, and then we will feel guilty for having thought it and worry that maybe our version of things is skewered, incorrect or we are imagining it because of our painful relationships in our past or something that is wrong about us.

And, for a long time, we don’t have enough hard evidence to stand in the conviction of what we feel.

Narcissists are capable of passive-aggressively delivering terrible underhand cruelty. They are big on wanting to hurt people, and usually, a hairline trigger is enough to launch them into it.

The narcissist can do horrible passive-aggressive things, like publically agree to do something and then because he or she never wanted to, does a terrible job of it or makes an excuse not to at the last minute. Because this person is a narcissist, there is no emotional filter regarding how that affected others, or it will be used purposefully as a weapon to hurt the person/people in question.

When you think “passive-aggressive” in relation to a narcissist, think “stealth” and “deception”. How can a person punish another, or confuse them and make it look like they aren’t? How can they then twist things up so it looks like the other person is imagining it, or even to blame for whatever it is that was “off” that they were feeling?

I remember narcissist number 2 used to send random senseless messages to me out of the blue that smacked of being a text conversation with another woman.

Were they a text to me (as he professed) even though the text didn’t make sense? Or … was it a text he accidentally sent to me which was intended for another? Or … was this all just to get my mind twisted in knots?

The truth was I will never know but it did exactly that! And then, of course, I was the paranoid freak and there was something terribly wrong with me!

Another example is this. A narcissist admitted to me that if his ex-wife did not greet him adequately that he would incite her into an argument, then make it look like she started it, and then use that as his excuse to walk out the door and go to his lover.

Of course, these sorts of behaviours are passive-aggressive. There is nothing truthful or authentic about them! A False Self means unhealthy, unsavoury false behaviour – period.

I really do believe that every narcissist – point blank – operates in passive-aggressive ways. Narcissists are not honest about what they are feeling, are not in touch with their feelings, don’t take responsibility for them and project them onto others. They make up any version of reality necessary to make it someone else’s fault.

The deeply insecure inner-self of the narcissist – which he or she has disowned – has terrible knee-jerk childish reactions. Passive-aggressive behaviour is immature, underdeveloped behaviour. It is employed by people who feel like victims, and it doesn’t stop if that person won’t take responsibility for their inner traumas and triggers in order to start showing up authentically with others.

Narcissists don’t take responsibility for and heal these traumas, they just continue to go through life passive-aggressively projecting them onto other people.

 

The Silent Treatment

The most famous of all passive-aggressive narcissistic behaviours is “the silent treatment.” This can range from stone-walling to complete and utter uncontactable abandonment.

When stone-walling, a narcissist will dismiss the conversation and leave the room, or absolutely refuse to continue the conversation with you. This is beyond frustrating and totally invalidates your feelings and you as a person. The narcissist may even threaten to leave you if you try to continue the conversation.

This is the narcissist’s passive-aggressive tactic to refuse to deal with what you are saying.

The fully blown silent treatment is about a total refusal to communicate with you about ANYTHING. In fact, the cold-shoulder may be so extreme that the narcissist can totally disappear from your life, even if you are living together, and act like you never existed.

This is the narcissist’s ways of severely punishing you. It’s usually effective because many would argue being treated as if you don’t exist is one of the most painful traumas we could experience.

(Of course, until we have created a Thriver Recovery – and then we are relieved!)

 

The Passive-Aggressive Narcissistic Personality Type

In regard to narcissists, there is a personality type that stands out as being notably passive-aggressive.

This narcissist is the victim type, which is not EVERY narcissist. In contrast, many narcissists will make out to all and sundry that their life is wonderful.

However, this narcissist is a bag of misery, and constantly complains and whines believing everyone is demonising them, against them and judging them unfairly. This narcissist believes that his or her life is a series of terrible and woeful events.

Of course, like all pessimistic victims who refuse to shift from this state, these people are their own worst enemy. Bad circumstance after bad circumstance happens and this person gets more and more negative and sick and makes people walk on broken glass around them constantly.

For the passive-aggressive narcissist, nothing is every right or good enough.

This narcissist is “in your face” as someone who is impossible to deal with. Some examples are things like this: They will let you do things and make decisions and then tell you that was totally the wrong thing and decision to make. They may suggest that you haven’t done “that” for them for a while, and then when you do they pick fault with it.

This narcissist sets people up to fail constantly – demanding this and that and then criticising what anyone does. The truth is they are constantly projecting their vile mood onto anyone who is the vicinity to receive it.

The passive-aggressive narcissist tells all and sundry how no-one’s life is as terrible as theirs. They believe all of their hardships are unique and special circumstances.

This narcissist attempts to guilt people into feeling sorry for them, and do things for them, and even doing their bidding for them against the people who have treated them so “unfairly”.

He or she may manipulate you by telling you that you are their only true friend, or the only person they trust, or the only person who really understands them and loves them and cares for them.

Initially, you feel special and needed, yet it’s inevitable that you too will be demonised along with everyone else no matter how hard you try to help them.

When we come across people like this, we wonder why they even want to “live”, their life is such a tortuous misery to themselves and others.

 

How To Deal With Passive-Aggressive People

To someone like Joan, you could say to her, “I know you need help and please know you deserve to ask for it. I am here to support you and I want to, please don’t feel guilty for asking”.

With compassion and giving her permission to speak up, we may lovingly help her get the confidence to know it is okay to ask for what she needs and help support her new understanding that asking for help doesn’t make her any less lovable, acceptable and worthy of her place in everyone’s life.

If you were to try doing this with a narcissist, they would recoil at the thought of being classified as “needy” or “vulnerable”, and they would hate that you have “seen” them.

A likely inner response, that would be very different from Joan’s relief, would be to work out how to control and hurt you so that you would never expose them as vulnerable again.

A narcissist doesn’t want your “help” in an honest, open, connected way. The narcissist wants your “help” (translated to energy, time, resources and soul) whilst they have the upper hand and control, where you can never truly have a real connection with them or be close enough to hurt them.

How do you deal with a passive-aggressive narcissist, which is any narcissist?

Detach, Go No Contact or Modified Contact and heal and empower yourself.

You can’t deal with them, you can only deal with your own fears and then start generating your True Life regardless of who the narcissist continues to be – and the more you become real, authentic, healed and whole, the less they can be in your existence.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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53 Thoughts on When Does Passive-Aggressive Behaviour Become Narcissistic?
  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    October 27, 2017

    My ex narc used the silent treatment. She had an interesting pattern and this pattern went on for more than a decade. It was 6 weeks silent treatment, then it was 3 days where everything was normal. On the 3rd day, no matter how hard I tried or how careful I was, something would trigger her for another 6 weeks of silent treatment. Most of the time I didn’t know how I triggered her. It didn’t do any good to ask. If she did answer it would be a nasty bite and usually it didn’t make sense.

    I learned not to worry about the silent treatments, nothing would change and reason is a foreign language to a narc. That doesn’t mean I liked it, but I just stopped caring. I was there for only one reason, we had children and I didn’t want to leave them for her to mess up. Nevertheless she messed the kids all up. They are dysfunctional adults that, as their mother militantly refuse to resolve conflicts and it’s already taken them all through many difficult relationship losses. One grew up to be a full blown “in your face” narc.

    I should have left anyway. Leaving and never returning was my daily fantasy for decades. I didn’t do it because of the children and felt responsible for them. They absolutely do not appreciate it in the slightest.

    Yes, I should have left a decade before we divorced. This is my life’s greatest regret.

    • genwilson09@gmail.com'
      Gentiana Wilson
      October 27, 2017

      Stephen, thankyou for your story. I wish you peace and happiness in your new life post divorce and hope you can reconcile with your children.

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Val
      October 27, 2017

      Thank you Stephen. I’m saddened by all you’ve been through…and I think most of us regret the years and what we should have done sooner..I know I did . however, around the time I turned 60 , I realised deeply that now, this time, this day, this moment, this freedom that I have now is all that matters. And it’s precious. We can’t change the past. however ,cherishing life now , with its challenges and imperfections ….comes with healing and recovery. My wish for you is the inner peace that comes with acceptance and healing. 🌺

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        October 28, 2017

        Such beautiful words Val.

        You are a sweetheart.

        Mel xo

      • carolleebudd@gmail.com'
        Carol
        October 29, 2017

        Thank you Val for your insight and kind words. I just turned 65, and have finally, awakened! I have been in a marriage for 46 years, to a man that is 21 years my senior; I am finally, claiming my power! To say the least, it is a struggle, for he is still living with me, as he cannot look after himself. I am trying to heal my inner child and grow stronger. I have supportive friends and gaining information from sites like this. I appreciate you sharing your age, it makes me realize that I am not the only one who has awakened later than they wished.

        • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
          Val
          October 30, 2017

          Hi Carol, you are so welcome that’s wonderful that you are able to devote time and energy to yourself now. It wouldn’t be easy in your situation and caring for someone of that age . There are quite a lot of us ” seniors” here in the community …better late than never, right? And I’ve come to realise Now is what counts, what matters most. Are you working with the NARP program Carol? There’s so much support in the forums if you are. sending you hugs and blessings Carol, keep up the good work, I get a warm feeling that life is really going to open up for you now Carol…new things and new happiness and contentment ahead.🌺💛

    • jlmaples247@msn.com'
      jessica
      October 27, 2017

      I have the same story.. i stayed for the kids and even when we did divorce he played the victim so well that they all felt sorry for him and believe his lies about me… But Life is long and I think one day as they are starting their own lives they might come to see the truth. One daughter has Narc characteristics and I just avoid her. I’m finally done being abused. It is hard to look back on life and think it was wasted, so now I’m trying to just look forward and say that was then, this is now.
      I wish you the best Stephen!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2017

      Hi Stephen,

      I am so sorry that you and your children have suffered so much.

      I wish you much healing and happiness in your new life going forward. Thank you, everyone, who has extended love and support to Stephen.

      Mel xo

    • cluffy4@hotmail.com'
      Kareen
      October 28, 2017

      I stayed for all the same reasons….and left after the kids were grown. The kids are messed up and don’t appreciate my sacrifice. And as hard as the divorce was (of course, my narc fought the divorce), my only regret was that I didn’t leave sooner….MUCH sooner!! People….don’t stay….these people NEVER change!!

  • emxx@sbcglobal.net'
    Healing
    October 27, 2017

    I love this great reminder as I go back to work tomorrow. I love this focus on paying attention and setting my intentions for the week [one day at a time]. thank-you so much Mel.

  • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
    Val
    October 27, 2017

    Thank you Melanie 🌷lots of clarity there on such a murky area. these behaviours are the norm in my family of origin. Especially the ” silent treatment”. It’s a boundary for me now….because it breaks trust and ,I feel , always demonstrates arrogance/ superiority and an intention to invalidate….and it was always a major trigger for me . the deep wound/ trauma of being unseen/ invisible/ not existing…my ” mother” was always dishing out the silent treatment to all around her….when she wasn’t orchestrating arguments, creating mayhem…same in my relationship with N…always ” manufacturing” / setting up arguments to suit his agenda.
    I like the definition you quoted Melanie;
    ” intensely confusing behaviour that distorts the other person’s grasp on reality”..
    Exactly.
    My grasp on ” reality ” was so distorted I was hospitalised and prescribed anti psychotic medication.
    There is no “reality ” dealing with narcissists….it changes every time you turn around…and totally violate the inner reality of others.
    Any passive aggressive behaviour is a red flag to me now. I’m out the door. I don’t want to be anywhere near it. which may mean it’s still a trigger…. thank you, love and blessings Melanie xxoo.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2017

      Hi Val,

      it’s my pleasure, and I’m so pleased it granted clarity.

      I agree Val – why continue to be around it?

      It is SO inspiring what you have healed sweet Angel Lady 🙂

      Mel xo

  • loreleew@telus.net'
    Lorelee
    October 27, 2017

    The psychiatrist I started seeing calls these people “spitters and biters” and boy is that on the mark! After years of trying to maintain a friendship with an abusive neighbour, I didn’t allow her simmering hostility to deter me from standing my ground. As I offered numerous suggestions to address an issue that eventually created traumatic stress disorder, every suggestion was spit back at me like it was the stupidest, most selfish idea imaginable. When I heard the psychiatrist call them “spitters and biters” I thought, “Exactly!” Someone was finally acknowledging “confusing behaviour that distorts the other person’s grasp of reality”. This psychiatrist also said, these people are “hollow”. They have no sense of self so controlling others at least makes them feel something. Through NARP, I have recognized how she played off my deep shame of being highly sensitive, empathic. Now, with the modules, goal setting and particularly the video series, “How to reduce your susceptibility to Narc. abuse” , I am developing self-parenting and self-partnering skills for the first time in my life, (I’m 62). Even with all the personal & spiritual growth work I’ve done, I never learned to love myself. Now, I actually believe it’s possible. I find this quite remarkable.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2017

      Hi Lorelee,

      that is an incredible expression!

      How wonderful you are healing, empowering yourself and showing up now with such authenticity!

      Power to YOU!

      I LOVE that you are self-partnering and blossoming. That is so exciting and thank you for your inspirational post.

      Mel xo

  • maria.karuvuori@gmail.com'
    Maria
    October 27, 2017

    I just feel like help can also be used as a means of control. Like the narcissist will contact your social circle and even total strangers to tell them that the target is so helpless that they must be monitored at all times… I have become very wary of help at this point, which is not a good thing of course. I am in the process of seeking help though.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2017

      Hi Maria,

      I agree it can be an insidious way to control.

      That is wonderful you are connecting to support.

      Mel xo

  • gizellawerty@gmail.com'
    Gizella
    October 27, 2017

    Dear Melanie, your words are like an oasis to me, a dessicated desert traveller. Thank you.
    I had been working on healing many and varied childhood traumas for decades and making great progress. One thing I failed at was to attract a man I wanted to settle down with. Then in walked the father to be of my two beautiful children.

    I was so focused on being a mother I ignored my insistent and persistent inner voice’s warnings.

    I managed to leave him nearly 6 years ago and expected everything to bounce back but I was more lost than I realised. These past 15 years (including the time I was with him) have been my hardest yet. But I am hopeful — your support and validation are like spring water to my parched soul. Thanks again <3

  • Vanikabansal@gmail.com'
    VB
    October 27, 2017

    Thanks Melanie for yet another great post, very well written and informative, lots of clarity.I used to be so codependent and passive aggressive before I became aware that I was acting out of a childish painful wounded space.But I took responsibility for it and feel so free now.Thanks again for NARP.The ex narc just became worse every time is used to point out he was passive aggressive and needed to express freely (before I knew he was narcissistic).
    .The most freeing thing I could do for myself was to let him go and wish him peace and stop waiting for the desire in him to change to take root.It doesn’t exist.So giving up toxic self defeating hope is absolutely vital for your own freedom and life.
    Lots of love & strength to all the people going through this and thrivers in this community.

    Lots of love to you Mel.

    V

    • lornina74@gmail.com'
      Lii
      October 27, 2017

      Thank you, it makes such a clear picture, the silent treatment……going on for more than a year now, but since I have started modules I have less triggers and I do not feel so miserable and guilty anymore. Thank you Melanie for your work….you gave me hope and I am on my way to the other side 🙂

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        October 28, 2017

        Hi Lii,

        that is so wonderful you have made that progress 🙂

        I LOVE that you are making it!!

        Sending you continued blessings.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2017

      Hi VB,

      you are very welcome!

      I am so pleased you let go, committed to the inner work and set yourself free!

      Thank you for your love to me and our beautiful Community and so much love to you too 🙂

      Mel xo

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Hannah Woolhouse
    October 27, 2017

    Dear Melanie

    Your paragraph “The Passive-Aggressive Narcissistic Personality Type” perfectly describes my ex-narcissist – although he had other traits thrown in for good measure!

    Thank you again and again for your wonderful resources. It’s uphill work but I am a dedicated NARPer and have hope.

    xx Hannah

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2017

      Hi Hannah,

      I am so pleased you have hope and are here with us!

      You’ve got this Hanna 🙂

      So much Love to you.

      Mel xo

  • hawk00073@hotmail.com'
    Pam
    October 28, 2017

    Ah, the lovely silent treatment, how well I know that one. Pure and complete hell, and he swore that he didn’t do it to punish me, and that it wasn’t abuse. He just didn’t know how to handle me sometimes. Or when he complained that I never fixed him breakfast, but when I tried to, he would sniff his nose at it and say no, thank you. It would be funny if it didn’t hurt so bad. We are divorced now, it’s been a year, and it still feels like it was yesterday to me, although I am finally feeling some hope and peace in my heart. I’m having a bit of a setback right now though. I got a text from an ex sis in law to let me know that the narcs grandson was killed in a tragic accident. I was his step grandmother from the time he was five and he passed at 22, just a few days ago. And it’s so hurtful to me that even something as horrible as that, and he doesn’t even have the decency to let me know instead of me finding out from someone else in a text. I felt real bad at first because after the shock of hearing this happened, my first thought besides the pain of losing that young man, was how could anyone be so completely thoughtless? And it was like getting doubly slapped in the face. So, I finally caught myself and realized this was a perfect opportunity for him to prove how he didn’t even think of me at all. And to me, it finally really completely convinced me and I no longer have any doubt, he isn’t someone I can ever help and I really do have to let him go. I thought I had already accepted it, but this clinched it. Now I have to hit the modules even harder because I am sick of hurting, and from the bottom of my soul I know I can’t do anything to change things and I never will be able to change things. So I will mourn that Grandson by myself and be glad to be out of that family now for good. Tyler was the only one of the whole bunch that was worth my heart and I know I made a difference in his life. So, I’m sorry for this sad letter, but I needed to say what I feel to you who understand where I’m coming from. I’m truly done and am only sad that it took such a tragedy to convince me completely. He was a shining light in a place of darkness and how he managed to be such a wonderful and loving person is beyond me. Okay, again I’m sorry.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2017

      Hi Pam,

      please don’t be sorry – my heart goes out to you in this pain of the abuse you have gone through and for the loss of this special young man.

      I wish you so much relief and healing to go with your decision of “enough”.

      Pam, if you haven’t already I’d love you to connect to my free resources here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse They will help grant you relief and comfort.

      Bless you Pam and best wishes for your continued healing.

      Mel xo

  • christinem8312@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 28, 2017

    Mel,
    I genuinely appreciate your ability to articulate so clearly the differences between the insecure individual and the Narcissistic type. Having been raised by a mother with diagnosed Narcissism with Grandiose behavior (among additional mental health diagnosis’), I truly knew no different behavior from others until I recognized that not everyone in my experience was like her. Although it hasn’t always been an easy journey of self-discovery and making shifts in order to live to my highest potential, I am grateful for the additional tools you’ve shared through the NARP program. It has been the fastest, most useful method for quickly uplifting and empowering myself authentically. Truly taking care of myself, which includes Quantum Healing, has been greater than I have ever imagined possible! For instance, I quit smoking 3 months ago cold turkey and have not had ANY issues like I’d experienced during other cessation attempts. This example has really illustrated to me the power felt in the freedom from healing old wounds. Since being on your Thriver TV earlier this year, I have begun the pre-writing research and interviews for my memoir. As I delve into my past for the book through the lenses of appreciation for the whole experience, when I have found a wounded part of me it is easily remedied with the use of an upleveling Module appropriate for the trigger exposed. Thank you for your ongoing efforts to assist others in their healing so more of us are able to be free for the collective greater good!

    Cheers,
    Christine 💙

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2017

      Hi Christine,

      It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased it granted you clarity 🙂

      Thank you Dear Lady and I so happy for you that NARP has helped you heal so much. You deserve every happiness!

      I am so thrilled to hear from you Christine and to know that, since your Thriver Show, you have gone from strength to strength makes my heart sing.

      Much Love to you and thank you for your beautiful and inspirational post.

      Mel xo

  • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
    Bren
    October 28, 2017

    I am a Narper of 21/2 years standing……it’s a must to do to heal your woundedness and live a Thriver life. You will not match these types once your energy is uplevelled. It’s a life time journey and you must do the work moduling to heal. This has shifted my life like I could never have imagined. The forum once you join is the best healing balm and councilling ever. Mel is a gift. I just had an incident where I’ve started slowly dating again. I abstained whilst doing this work to give myself undivided attention doing Narp. I noticed the passive aggressive behavior of a man I went on a date with…..my gut started warning me, I dumped him and peace returned in 5 minutes. The universe will bring us tests so we can see our growth or need to work on more uplevelling. I did need to do a module on some stuff that came up….evolving is what life is about. JUST DO IT. BEST INVSTMENT I EVER MADE FOR MYSELF. This is not an ad. I’m for real and so grateful for this work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 28, 2017

      Hi Bren,

      you are such a beautiful fan of NARP!

      I too, if I wasn’t it’s creator, would be singing it from the rooftops EVERY time I could 🙂

      I love that you are trusting yourself, self-partnering and forever evolving.

      Wishing you so many ongoing blessings Bren, which you are thoroughly self-generating!

      Mel xo

  • lynetteclark@hotmail.com'
    Lynette
    October 28, 2017

    Hi Melanie, I was a pot banger as I did not have confidence to ask for help. But if I did my narc would accuse me of making him a servant. I have been silent for many years essentially giving him he silent treatment as I wanted to protect myself because as soon as I said anything he perceived as malicious ie EVERYTHING , the verbal abuse would start. It was easier to zip my lip and just keep conversation about trivial matters. I have always been the peacekeeper. My narc left last weekend taking everything he considered ‘his’ to start a new life 2400kms away. What a relief. Of course there is yet another woman. I have done the no contact except by email for legal matters. He sent an abusive email when I unfriended him on Facebook. He is still friends with all his exes! I didn’t answer his email but sent it to my lawyer 😊 So at 64 I am putting 44 years of a narc relationship behind me and forging a bright future. I have fabulous friends, wonderful family, great job and a supportive church. Could you consider doing a blog or YouTube for adult kids with a narc father. I am sure my kids would benefit! Every one of your you tubes has come at just the right time for me, empowerin me to be strong 😊

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 29, 2017

      Hi Lynette,

      I am so pleased that you are free now and are feeling so positive!

      That is wonderful you have such a loving supportive force around you.

      I certainly will consider doing this Lynette, and I am so pleased I can help you be strong.

      Mel xo

  • Simone.gwyn@bigpond.com'
    Unfurling
    October 28, 2017

    Hi all.

    Mine’s a little less cut and dry. My hubby is definitely passive aggressive. He lives to serve, originating from being squashed my his mum to the point where he re-shaped himself to see love as servitude. It was his survival mechanism and I have deep empathy for that (after lots of inner work). However, he is still deeply invested in the dysfunct, and no amount of my trying to open him up to this realization has been effective. Conversely, what I have done with this over the years, is allow it to bring forth my own learned narc behavior (narc mother), and act out of an angry, frustrated, reliant, critical and unhappy place within myself. I’ve adapted to the servitude, picked it apart, acted aggressively frustrated at the inevitable ineptitude on his behalf; brought about, no doubt, by his resentment at giving me servitude that frustrates him also – though on a far less conscious level. We are basically playing out our mother roles, his in servitude and mine, in part, in angry outbursts. Neither wins, and the tragedy plays out pathologically. My saving grace had been my extreme discomfort in the lack of connection. Accusations hurled at my husband of the ilk ‘why don’t you know this by now?!’ We’ve been together 15 years, and for 15 years I’ve been voicing my needs; how do you often manage to do the opposite/continue to not meet them, etc? Don’t you CARE?! Don’t you LISTEN?! This is not LOVE?! At some stage I reached breaking point over the frustration and confusion and uncontrolled-ness of it all – and started taking looking at things specific to my relationship on a deeper and more healthful, less guilt fueled level. I began to see the forest for the trees, and took some real power back. Until that point I’d been blaming myself for my angry outbursts; which clouded my understanding of what was mine to own, and what was on him. Typical empath type behavior….if I’m the angry one, if I’m the one with the high emotions, it must be me – deep down – who is more flawed and therefore more culpable. When he took sex off the table (and I would address it, periodically, with honesty and inviting real discussion but not being met in real discussion) I blamed myself, my unsexiness, my aggressive and masculine unhealth. It took an affair with a true and overt narc to ‘wake me up’ to the zig zags and mess of my inner life. And it worked a charm (after much fallout and heartache, yada yada). Since then, I’ve been a powerhouse of honesty and conflict. Raw growth and pain. Upheaval and splendor. I have vacillated on who is the narc? Who just has fleas? Am
    I the narc? Is he? If we aren’t, what are we? Who is what? I’m still not quite there. But what has reshuffled and locked into place for me is this…..

    It doesn’t matter. All that matters, and can matter for me, is me. My relationship with myself has to be understood and healed (continuously, un-linearly so!), in order for me to live my life in the best way possible, with the best outcomes for ME. If I give my energy to that, the rest will flow. I hold the space lovingly for others to flow in and flow out and live their path and if it aligns with mine, great. And if it doesn’t, great. Life is arduous, and beautiful. And I truly wouldn’t change a thing in my past. But! My future, different story bro! 😂 It’s mine to shape. From within. And I’m excited.

    Gah, I wrote this a bit jumbly. But it came out as it did. Hope it resonates for some? ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 29, 2017

      Hi Unfurling,

      you are being so courageously honest with great in-sight.

      I adore what you have written here, about where the energy is best placed to grow and heal self. I totally agree with the space and self that you are holding and growing.

      This was so beautifully expressed by you! Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Mel xo

    • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
      Tuesday
      October 30, 2017

      I found your post very insightful and interesting Unfurling. Thank you, it really made me think. I have been worrying about being a bit “disorganised” in my module practice and feeling there should be some sort of “linear progression” but of course this is a ridiculous idea. I grew up with the equally ridiculous and self-limiting notion that at some stage we are “finished” individuals. It’s exciting – and also by turns exhausting – to think that we must always be vigilant and will always (unless circumstances intervene) be evolving.

      Bon courage

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    October 29, 2017

    Mel,
    I loved your article. I missed those!! The words you write are so beautiful.
    Thank you.

  • margrant5@gmail.com'
    Marion Grant
    October 30, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    Recently I found myself (even though I’ve been in the narc program for a few years) reacting to a trigger, and being passive aggressive myself.
    I’m wondering how to handle it. Should I apologize? I’m now getting the silent treatment from this person who could be a narcissist! But still, I recognize that my own behavior wasn’t right. I did a module about it, and wonder if I should or how to handle it with the other person.
    Thank you for the great article.

    • margrant5@gmail.com'
      Marion Grant
      October 30, 2017

      Narp program! (Spell check)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 30, 2017

      Hi Marion,

      I do believe it is always healthy for us to be humble and honest about our own behaviour, but it’s also important to be clear about other people’s behaviour that may or may not be acceptable.

      It can be very easy when we are taking responsibility and wanting to work on ourselves to miss things that we do need to have healthy boundaries about.

      If you show up authentically about this, and the other person still wants to punish you with the silent treatment then that is not the truth of the life that you are now generating.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • margrant5@gmail.com'
        Marion Grant
        October 30, 2017

        What a great answer. Thank you so much.

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    October 30, 2017

    Hi Mel
    Another on point article that spells it out so clearly for us. I just spent a few days away with my father and my son. My father is spot on a victim type passive aggressive narc. As i am so clear and aware of his ways now after so many years of trying to make sense of it all – it was downright painful and distressing to see how he would zoom in and be negative on anything including any slights of imperfect behaviours form my 8 year old. I could see he was so harsh and quick to judge him – even breaking from what he was saying mid sentence – piling one criticism on top of another to him – I could so see it was because he is so ill at peace in himself and devoid of anything there, he has to hover around anything my son does or says for supply. I think I am numb to it now or maybe he doesn’t do it as much as I have become so tough in recent years so he is a little scared to rock the apple cart with me. I know I can be passive aggressive or just downright aggressive now in the face of attack from him or my recent partner (who surprise surprise is a Victim type narc also) as I am on high alert for it. But afterwards I pay the price and need to recover from the trauma.

    I see how I have repeated patterns of his relentless criticising and commentating, and striving for perfection by projecting this on to my own child. I didn’t let him express age appropriate behaviours and be a child enough – make a mess – be silly etc. This pains me now to realise even though I go get why.
    I still struggle to accept myself and anything less than perfection, incredibly over cautious when dealing with others and self critical. I can see how my father became that way – due to his own childhood traumas but it does hurt me that he can be so self absorbed and lacking in compassion after all this time – even though for the past few years he is seeing an psychoanalyst. He is 77 now so I know he’ll never change. I hurt for him in some ways – I feel his pain deeply as I have done since a child acting as surrogate for all his unprocessed feelings – yet I have to protect myself and remove myself too from his pain. I can’t understand, truly can’t get it, why some people don’t process and heal emotions after all these years. i know the explanations about what narcs are and why but I still don’t really get why? I know I have often masked, escaped and blindsided myself believing I was healing and growing whilst repeating patterns – I am going through some of those horrible, painful aha’s right now but in the end I can sit with my pain and emotions as far as possible…I just don’t get why some people are wired to never be able to take responsibility for theirs? i know you explained it’s like a virus in the human condition. But is it not ultimately a choice too – if someone starts early enough to be flexible enough in their thinking to do the work to heal and change?
    Oh I feel a lot of regret and darkness right now, is there a module best for working with this? I guess its the forgive yourself and life for what you’ve been through one?
    Much love
    Sophie x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2017

      Hi Sophie,

      I bet that is so hard seeing your father treat your son like that.

      And it is wonderful that you have this awareness, I totally relate … I too was like this with my son.

      I know that it’s hurting you that he won’t change, and that is SO understandable. Our own evolution is so about us healing regardless of whether or not anyone else does, and it may mean that with firm boundaries and our deservedness in place that we are willing to lose it all to get it all and not be around certain people anymore – even if they are family.

      Sophie that is wonderful that you are working with NARP – have you targeted “that” specifically the trauma regarding other people NOT trying to change?

      Keep your shifts really literal – exactly “what hurts” is where our next release always is Dear Lady.

      You’ve got this – I feel you are very close.

      Sending love, healing and blessings your way.

      Mel xo

      • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
        Sophie
        November 4, 2017

        Thank you so much for your specific advice Mel. I only just saw your reply today after watching you latest Thriver TV episode. Keeping the shifts literal to exactly what hurts sounds like good advice at this stage – for working with both my father, and my on/off ex who I have just decided today to go no contact with permanently. Funny how I have got your reply at just the right time! I appreciate your personal replies to all our posts. Really I do! X

  • juliaoks@live.com'
    Julia
    October 30, 2017

    Great article! Thank you, Melanie!

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    October 31, 2017

    Good one!
    I always viewed my narcissists version of passive-aggressive as passive aggressive on steroids! I got my latest dose of it this past weekend. Once a month I go down to check on my house (just to make sure it is still there). Fortunately it was. The kitchen was a disaster. There were a months worth of dirty dishes in the kitchen. Some of the mold growing on things was at least two inches high. The poor cats’ box hadn’t been cleaned out. I know from past experiences with my N that having a “reasonable discussion” does nothing. Neither does yelling at him. He was “mad” about something but it was hard to tell exactly what this time. He cannot or will not directly tell you.

    So I cleaned up the kitchen and the cats’ quarters. From what I can gather the N is mad this time because his son won’t come to visit him (no contact). I suggested that since he, the N, doesn’t work or really do anything he should just take a bus up to visit his son. He said that since he was “banished to the country” by both Son and myself, he refuses to come see either of us in the city. This is actually a relief.

    He also managed to break another house computer (his 5th in 5 years) and wants one of us to give him a new one (or else we have no contact with him).

    This time he inadvertently played right into our hands. No Contact.

    I think by continually watching your videos and reading your articles I am getting tougher and his impact on me is becoming less and less.
    Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2017

      Hi No Name,

      that is so wonderful that you are detaching more and more!

      Keep up the great work! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    A.
    October 31, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    I have “one more” question to you… 🙂

    As I’ve been really analysing why I became a “match” and involved with the n, I was indeed “equally crazy” like him. I mean, I felt empty inside, like an empty shell, looking for love and validation, peace etc. outside sources of myself, I was easily “triggered”, feared to become abandoned, I felt worthless, I was being really like the “false me”…all of this miserable stuff, before I started my healing journey 🙂 Thanks to you <3

    So no wonder I became a "perfect match" to him! But what I don't understad and I'm a curious mind…If (and when) I became terribly wounded as a child (my dad was often drunken, threatening me, punishing me, I was nearly always teased at school etc…come to think of it, I rarely received respecting, decent behaviour from others!)
    So if he (the n ex-boyfriend) also has become wounded, and that's why he "became" a n…then why I didn't became a n too (thank God no!)? If I have the ability to heal and self-reflect (take responsibility of my wounding) and "get over it"…then why doesn't he? I mean, what is the crucial difference between "us" and "them"? How can someone become so "irreversibly" damaged? I really wanted to "understand" him, to empathize with him (because this is what loving and normal people do!)…but it just seems impossible 🙁

    And now come to think of it, even when I was very wounded too, even at those times I did not get any pleasure if he was hurting, I would never manipulate him or anyone and feel good about it etc. (of course not!)…so that seems to be the difference too. It just continues to shock me, how they "can" behave this way, how can someone really be so…inhumane! 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 1, 2017

      Hi A,

      The difference is that as co-dependents who were hurting and trying to get our needs met, we tried to appease, give and make others happy to get love, approval, security, and survival. The narcissist instead, divorced the true self, put a False Self in its place and decided to “act” and “manipulate” (including lie) to survive.

      The problem with the N is that the True Self is so disowned and disconnected from, and is so damaged by the egos lack of integrity and it’s accumulated unmet traumas that the narcissist doesn’t want to go anywhere near it to heal and revive it.

      And no-one can do that for them – only they can.

      The False Self, the imposter, is the Identity now, and that is where the N wants to stay.

      Your healing A is not in healing him. It is in healing you.

      Mel xo

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        A.
        November 2, 2017

        Hi Melanie,

        And what I have also thought a lot…Before my “awakening” and healing, I was also very “unconscious” in my relationships, operating and navigating them through the wounded part of me…which of course always resulted in (more) drama, trauma, and horrible rollercoaster ride and huge disappointment. Every time! 🙁

        What continues to amaze me and what also hurt me the most, this ex n, he was constantly (as far as I know) nice and “normal” with his elderly mother and teenage daughter. He would never give them silent treatment! And I have “endured” many, many…uff. It was really like, why do they deserve to be treated well, and I don’t? (yes, wounding, wounding! This was mine :))

        I’ve been deeply thinking about this; even when I was wounded, I was able, my whole life, have been able to “attract” and maintain very good and normal relationships with other women, they have lasted years, even over two decades, you know like really healthy and nice normal friendships with friends, to create authentic and sincere bonds with them. (I mean, true friendships, I’m heterosexual)

        And also, I’ve been able to have “trauma-free” relationships with healthy, normal men, who are “neutral” men, I mean not possible romantic-sexual-potential intimate partners, but like neighbours, work colleagues, male (gay) friends etc.

        So why this inner wounding, traumatic “stuff” comes to surface and activates so strongly, when it is a question of a romantic-intimate partner? I’m 40 years and never in my life have I been able to attract a healthy man! Yep, like this last one, thought he was “the one”, but instead he is a worst case n….So according to this same logic, why wasn’t I also (thank God I wasn’t!)
        attracting unhealthy n women to become my friends?

        I hope you could understand my question? 🙂

        So I thought, is it the same situation with n’s? That indeed they are “nice and normal”, behaving in a good and caring (sincere?) way, when it is a question of children, relatives, clients etc. but their n “traits” become activated and comes to surface strongly (and only?) with intimate partners? I’ve been desperately trying to find some logic, reason or reasonable explanation to his behaviour, that to me seemed very unfair and unjustified 🙁

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