Boundaries are everything, yet they are tricky!

Many people don’t know how to define boundaries and set them up in a way that works.

This is especially true if you have been abused by narcissists because your values and rights were smashed to pieces whenever you tried to assert them!

However, I promise you that there is a way to rectify this, take your power back and learn how to set effective boundaries.

 

 

Video Transcript

Boundaries are everything.

I love helping you understand boundaries, because it will change your life forever.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I’m going to share with you three powerful ways to set boundaries and take your power back, no matter what anybody else is or isn’t doing.

Let’s move on to find out how!

Before we get going, I just want to say I am so excited because next week I am beginning my Super-Thrive three-day workshop in Melbourne with other incredible Thrivers creating their lives at their highest potential.

If you want to find out how to join me and this exclusive Super Thrive tribe, please click this link. 

Okay so now on to today’s video …

 

The Truth About Boundaries

First of all, I want to explain to you a little bit about boundaries.

Most people know not to leave their front door open, car unlocked or their bank accounts unsecured.

Yet, so many of us did not know that our values and rights needed to be just as powerfully protected. Because if they are not, we live other people’s values, rights and truth, even if these are contrary to our own. These could be so out of alignment that they are even abusive to us.

So, let’s start by getting very clear about what are our values, rights and truth.

 

Your Values

What are your values?

These are your deep soul commitments to yourself and life.

These are the things that make you feel safe, healthy and happy. Such things as honesty, decency, kindness, mutuality and teamwork.

Maybe other deep values for you are benevolence, compassion and care for other human beings.

Possibly your values are also about a healthy lifestyle and family values.

I really urge you to sit with a pen and paper and write down what your values are to get very clear about them.

In fact, I’d love you to pause this video, take a few minutes to connect to what your values are, and then share them below in the comments section.

By you sharing your values, it may help somebody else get very clear about their own. Remember we are all in this together!

Okay …

Then, it’s about understanding what your rights are.

 

Your Rights

Your rights are about being treated in alignment with your values.

It is Wrong Town for us to get connected with somebody who does not share the same values and believe that they are going to respect our rights.

It is impossible for them to do this! They simply don’t have the resources to!

 

Your Truth

What is your truth?

Your truth is whatever you are participating in, even if you don’t like it.

Your truth is up to you, it’s never up to anybody else. If you believe that it is, then you are handing your power away and it will be impossible for you to live your truth.

This is where boundaries come into play, regarding creating your truth powerfully.

Okay, let’s get into the three boundary setting steps.

 

Step Number 1: State Your Values

To enforce your rights, you have to be able to state your values truthfully.

This can be at the beginning of potential relationships, or even in the midst of abusive ones.

When you are in your power, you state YOUR values. You are not saying what somebody else is or isn’t doing wrong.

So, an example of this may be, in response to somebody who it is being unreliable in a dating experience, “I am only interested in dating available people who follow-up and do what they say they will do. If that’s not you that’s okay, and I’m saying goodbye and I wish you all the best.”

Then, be quiet and allow the other person to respond. They will either fully step up or not, and you will have your answer.

Or, when receiving abuse from someone close to you, “I will only engage when I am spoken to sensibly and decently.” And then completely detach until that happens, regardless of what else is thrown at you.

Or, when you suspect that you are being cheated on, or deceived, “If there is proof that is irrefutable, I can believe it’s the truth. Until then I will no longer be attached to you.”

Can you see how stating your values has nothing to do with the other person? This is about you taking your power back by anchoring into your values and stating them FIRMLY.

 

Step Number 2: Back Yourself Up

Step number two is harder than step number one. This is where you can doubt yourself, renege on the boundary, and hand your rights away again.

The total truth of life is this …  if you are not prepared to stand for your values and back them, you will be living a life below the level of your values.

Whatever you tolerate is what you will get.

By backing yourself up, you are declaring this to All of Life (repeat after me): “I am inviting you to join me in authenticity, honour and health. If you have the resources you will join me there, and if you don’t then we are no longer a match. I declare to All of Life who I am and what I will tolerate. I now create my truth.”

Feel this in your body. Then I want you to pause this video and share how it feels for you below.

Okay, so I hope that you realise how powerfully important this step is.

You need to know that backing yourself, does NOT mean lecturing or prescribing to people and trying to get them to “get it”. You can’t make other people “get” anything. The more you try to get people to “get you” the less they will. Only you can “get you”.

Then healthy people will follow.

Additionally, you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak, despair, pain and abuse by letting go of those who are not diligently and actively stepping up to meet you at the level of your values.

 

Step Number 3: Holding Your Alignment

Say, for example, the person who was unavailable starts arguing with you or making excuses.

Or, the person in your life who is speaking abusively to you, tries to pull you in and continues fighting with you.

Or, the suspected lies were defended and twisted and turned back on to you.

This means, “Thank you I have my answer. I’m moving on and I wish you all the best.“

(Maybe the person speaking abusively to you is your child, who you can’t leave. This means that you don’t grant them your energy until they are respectful towards you.)

You can’t be attached to outcomes. You can’t be attached to a certain person meeting you at this level. By holding your alignment, you will start to understand that the people and situations that do represent your True Self and True Life will enter and conjoin with you.

Whether or not they are existing people in your life or people you have never met yet is irrelevant.

What is important is you finally living your authentic healthy life.

Our boundaries are never up to somebody else to present us with love, approval, security and survival. As an adult this is our job, which is between us and our soul and Life itself.

People can only match you at the level that you are at with yourself.

You will be tested. You may have all sorts of fears and doubts and excuses as to why not to hold your boundary.

This is the uncomfortableness of you breaking out of the old patterns that haven’t been working for you, into the new ones which durably will.

 

Making This Life Transition

When you start implementing boundaries, a great clean out can happen. Ultimately, what and who is not aligned with your truth will go.

This can be very painful. You may feel very alone and in unfamiliar territory.

It can be so easy to go for the quick fix, the self-medication for the relief of loneliness and pain by hooking up with people and substances that are not your true values.

It’s very hard to do better until we get better.

The inner work is all about getting better so that we do better.

If you dedicate yourself to your self-partnering, by doing the inner work with NARP, then you will find it’s so much easier to hang out and keep redefining your boundaries and HOLD them, until real people and things start to appear in your life.

And I promise you they will!

I hope today’s episode has really helped you define what you need to do, and the inner work and journey that is involved here.

And, it is my deepest passion to help you connect to this journey to create the life of your dreams, which you can do by clicking this link – The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).

And for those of you who are already NARPers and are interested in more intense and activated work regarding boundary setting, then I highly recommend my Empowered Self Course which has three whole modules dedicated to boundary setting in it.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

[mc4wp_form id="7704"]

Related blog post

Thriver Talks Special: Healing Financial Prosperity After Abuse

Read More

Repetitive Compulsion Disorder and Abuse

Read More

Commments (86) + Leave a comments

86 thoughts on “Boundaries Lacking? 3 Easy Ways To Set Powerful Boundaries

  1. Thank you. “then healthy people will follow” holding tight on this.

    my values: Love, Beauty, Peace

      1. Thank you Mel! Struggling so much in letting go of unhealthy attachment to my ex who is the father of my girl, so hard when you have to keep seeing them and their name pop up on your phone. Trigger on repeat.
        I’m working on my inner healing I’m a narper and I appreciate it all takes time.
        Thank you again I love this on boundaries..so helpful in recovery ❤👍🏼

      2. No wonder I kept getting hurt, I had no boundaries I just put up with unacceptable behaviour that was a learned behaviour, which I can now unlearn, a set clear values which are honesty integrity respect and follow through. Thank you Mel.

        1. Hi Luisa,

          You certainly can sweetheart. I keep saying it, and it’s true you are doing such a great job of your breakthrough!

          You should be really proud of you hun!

          Much love to you

          Mel 🙏💕💚

  2. Thanks again Melanie perfect timing, I believe in Honesty Truthfulness Integrity Purity Openness Compassion Loyalty and being Treated with Respect and I will not Compromise on My Values, after doing the NARP Programme i really like who i now am who i Really was all along until i was hijacked by people and life So why would i want to go back or regress to a miserable lifestyle of pain and suffering when my new life is So So Beautiful Blessings Col

  3. Hi, Melanie! I love your work and the peace it has brought to my life. I’d like to see more examples in the Thriver episodes re: parallel parenting. My daughters’ father likes to make up his own rules. Then, when I set Reasonable boundaries he balks. This is primarily around money. We have a coat share for medical expenses. Thank you!

    1. Hi Rebecca,

      I’m so pleased that you love my work and that it is helping so much.

      In regard to effective and powerful parallel parenting, It can be a difficult process because narcissists are so uncooperative.

      Have you had a look at NARP? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp The parents in this community who are the most successful with parallel parenting are working my program, and as gold NARP members have an incredible at hand online community who can help them and guide them through every step of the process http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      It allows you to make breakthroughs when they just haven’t been possible before!

      That truly is my highest suggestion for you, because taking back power with a narcissist is often a very deep energetic game.

      Sending you and your children much Love

      Mel 🙏💕💚

    1. Hi Donna,
      The same exact thing happened to me. I had been dealing with a lot of sadness today, and then I read this post. The sadness “came up and out” as you so perfectly said it.

  4. Gosh Melanie, this was sooooo amazingly powerful! I feel so much hope! I wrote my values on my profile page where I met my ex narc. She revealed to me many months after I had moved in that she never even read my profile! Explains some things that happened, but not all.

    My Values: effective communication skills, honesty, kindness, forgiveness, generosity, passion, understanding, honor, patience, compassion, thoughtfulness, willingness to try, contentment, joy, inner beauty, flexibility (the ability to deal with life’s twists), being responsible for your life and your own issues.

    How the self declaration made me feel: Excited, Empowered, New, Hopeful, Vibrating Harmoniously with Source

    Thank you, you’re the best,
    Kathryn

    1. Hi Kathryn,

      That’s wonderful you feel hope now.

      Your values are gorgeous, and you absolutely deserve to receive them.

      Thank you for including yourself declaration feelings…I love that you have experienced this breakthrough.

      You’re more than welcome and sending you incredible healing and expansion Kathryn!

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  5. Truth
    Honesty
    Authenticity
    Love
    Empathy
    Compassion
    Respect
    Sensitivity
    Self-Awareness
    Higher Consciousness

  6. Hi Melanie-
    First let me say how much your work has been helping me heal my inner wounds and traumas like nothing else has! I am beginning to truly thrive! You are a blessing!
    Thank you! I would love to be able to meet you face-to-face and join your workshop!

    However, given the worldwide pandemic that we are all experiencing, I am shocked that you are going ahead with your Three Day Super Thriver Workshop next week in Melbourne. There is no stopping this virus of course, but to reduce the impact and the pressure on our health care systems, we all need to do our part to slow it down by limiting our contact with people face-to-face and by limiting our travel, especially abroad. (With the travel bans in place around the world, many people might not be able to go anyway.)
    As you already have an amazing online community, why put yourself and others at risk at this very uncertain time? I’m sure there is a way to host this workshop online or postpone it.
    I teach yoga from home sometimes, and all this weekend, I’ve been going back and forth- should I cancel or will it be okay? I finally decided to err on the side of caution and cancel or offer my lessons online for the next few weeks. I am not afraid that I will get the virus as experts say at some point, most of us will, but social distancing is a way to slow it down.
    Anyways, this is me expressing my opinion and my values.
    Thank you again for all that you do and are!

    1. Hi Melissa,

      I’m so happy for you that you are breaking through.

      Melissa, there is only a small group now because of the coronavirus, there is no overseas travel allowed without the quarantine and we have had a full recommendation from the venue about sanitation and we are also under government instructions.

      We are also monitoring the situation very closely every day. Please rest assured that the right decisions will ensue.

      Much love to you and thank you for your input.

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      1. This response right here is the one that resonates most with me. Our loved ones are frequently trying to speak out on behalf of our self-interest. We care about one another and therefore what we think is the “ best idea” is the most loving and supportive way we know to be.

        But we are so often blindsided. I am really impressed and learning much from how you respond to all of the comments. You honor everyone’s opinions and present your ideas and plans with thoughtful power. This is what I need to be studying and practicing.

      2. I am so glad to hear that! I wish you an amazing three day workshop and continued health and thriving! And thank you so much for your level-headed response. And again, thank you for all that you are and do! Much love to you too 🙂

  7. Hi Melanie,
    This video was particularly helpful for me. I was so sad earlier today, and then my sadness completely went away once I got clear on my values and realized that I can easily say goodbye to relationships that do not align with those values. My values are first and foremost honesty, then being treated with the same amount of kindness and respect that I give others, and then health (both physical and psychological).
    Thanks again!

  8. You have helped me so much to feel not alone. After the torment, the jolting ups and downs, the being torn to shreds and put back together again in their image, I found myself isolated from my friends, with whom I’d lost touch, mostly because I was afraid of the consequences — “what will she do if I go against her? What punishment will be administered? leaving in the middle of the night? Hinting at cheating on me with sudden references to a cadre of “friends” with whom she occasionally sleeps? Or the worst: her projection of those things onto me?
    It was so hard to explain to my lifelong friend why I couldn’t simply leave. I had trauma bonded with her, a result of her carefully crafted plans to, for example, sabotage my birthday, provoke conflict, reek havoc, do emotional hits and run…. and each time things went off the rails, the greater the high was of getting her back in my arms, the “real” her, or the one I had thought was the “real” her, until I realized that that person whom I’d remembered from the beginning of the relationship wasn’t the real her; the lovebombing, Hoovering, seductive, charismatic persona I thought was actually her was in fact merely a manipulative tool that enables her to get what she wanted. And what she wanted was to feel the thrill of taking someone down. Like a hunter, shooting the stag full of arrows and watching him stumble and bleed, all the while relishing the act of degrading, abasing, humiliating, and so forth, because each was a temporary lift that made her feel supremely above; it makes her feel like a god—a supernatural being whose power is defined by the ability to affect the lives of human beings. Perhaps that’s why magical thinking is so much a part of the narcissists toolkit.

    Anyway, all these things were weighing me down, and my reactions to them distanced me from my values.

    I’m slowly reviving myself, thanks to your videos and a few other online resources and a book. I love how you model the exact phrasing of certain powerful statements that one can make to assert his or her boundaries.

    Lots of love,
    D

    1. Hi David,

      thank you for the powerful and deep honesty in your post.

      David I’m so happy for you that you are resurrecting your values and your life.

      You deserve kind and true love.

      Love and blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  9. After having gone through much cognitive dissonance from two or more disharmonious thoughts, I have my values in place and in the forefront of my life today: God, family, friends, neighbors are my priority in practicing reciprocal trust and authenticity.
    I won’t ever grant anyone my honor unless they show they deserve it.
    I was in relationship for 40 years with a seriously disordered personality that was camouflaged by 35 years of workaholism. The past five years, this Narc could no longer successfully conceal his serious disorder. I could no longer bear the severity of the emotional, psychological, and mental abuse. I am forever grateful for the boundaries I was able to establish to just get the hell out of that horrible relationship.

  10. Thanks, Melanie, for all of your amazing work. I’ve learned a lot from you.

    My values that I’m learning to commit to:
    Kindness
    The ability to respect boundaries
    The ability to set boundaries and stick to them
    Honesty
    Following through on words with actions
    Vulnerability and authenticity
    Communication skills
    Emotional validation
    Reciprocity in relationships
    Empathy and Compassion

  11. Hi Melanie,
    I have followed you for a while and you are really opening my eyes! Thank you for all the time you put into this!! It makes such a difference!

    I have had a lot of narcs in my life and my core belief was that something was wrong with me, everything was my fault and that I was unloveable. And I didn’t understand why. As I educate myself in psycology I can see the patterns of these people and understand why I have reacted the way I did. Of course!

    My values right now are:
    genuine, honest, healthy mindset, awake (as in awake in life and noticing how other people feel) compassion, empathy, able to take action

    Writing down values makes it so much easier to know who is good for you and who isn’t. And I only allow good people in my life now <3

    Thank you

    1. Hi Anja,

      it’s my pleasure, I am so pleased this makes a difference.

      Thank you for sharing your beautiful values, and I’m so pleased that this is helped you discern who and what is or isn’t true for you.

      Much love to you Dear Lady

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  12. Anyone who violates my boundaries from now on, is getting their butts kicked by Spirit ☺
    Yeeaahhhhhh ☺☺☺

  13. My values are love, Beauty, peace, integrity, loyality, team-work, freedom, self-determination, security, trust, nobleness, inner Beauty, dignity, sense of responsibility, humbleness, power, health, * * *

  14. What great affirmation for my day! You feel lonely yes, but you start feeling more self connection and at peace by setting these healthy boundaries.
    When you have the inner peace you start love being with you.

    Thank you Melania.

  15. Hi Melanie,
    I love this Boundaries advice and I shall definitely try to remember to state my boundaries with I feel disrespected but I have a problem. I don’t know how to respond to ‘silent treatment’ and the minimal response etc… please could you give me an example of something I could say!?!

    1. Hi Kathie,

      The ultimate truth of boundaries is it’s not about other people getting them or even responding to them, it’s about you living aligned with them.

      My response to this situation would be something like this, “my life is only about engaging with people who want to work at solutions, healthy communication and teamwork. If this isn’t you will then we don’t have a relationship, I’m moving on.” And then you need to back it up and really mean it.

      Then if there is anger, resistance, blaming, more silent treatment or the like, then you truly have your answer.

      What else is there to do other than let go and move on if you want to live a life aligned with your values?

      I hope that this makes total sense to you Kathie.

      The truth is you can’t make anybody do anything, you can only make yourself live your truth.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  16. Simplicity, inner peace , physical discipline, mental discipline, self study, love and compassion for all life, love for family friends and all others, truthfulness in mind word and deed, non possive attitude, non aggressive attitude, thankfulness, knowledgeable of the truth, steadiness of mind, fearlessness, mental and physical purity, and with these values come purification of the heart and being full of forgiveness, the ability to be modest and generous . And from there on I will be without effort in self control and able to help others who I “know” are in need. May this grace be mine.!!!!!!😁😁😁💪💪💪 . May others gain the strength power and force that comes with the clarity understanding and wisdom gain through Melanie Tania Evans self study course. NARCASISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY PROGRAM N.A.R.P. .!! I feel real for the first time ever as a child of abuse. Thanks

  17. Hi Melanie,
    This episode just affirmed that I am on the right track! I left a job where the owner was so abusive and threatening. I tried to ignore his abuse, but he screamed louder and longer if I tried to calmly respond to him. Ignoring was not an option! He always made up reasons to abuse. I told my boss I could no longer work in “this type of environment” and gave 2 weeks notice. She said she understood, but made zero attempts to alleviate the situation. She loved being in control, she admitted it many times, and this was her way of ALWAYS being in control, even when she wasn’t there. Every day she would leave early and I was left alone with the owner for 3 hours. I desperately need a job, but I feel relief and much stronger. I couldn’t do anything to stop or control the abuse and it was emotionally breaking me down. I debated for a month on my best options to leave the job. I couldn’t take any time off to go on interviews because the owner would have fired me. This episode really made me happy. I AM growing and getting stronger. I am on the right path to becoming my true self.

    Peggy

  18. values, – integrity, truthfulness, loyalty, kindness, consideration, mutualness, love, sharing, caring, being forthright, generosity, discernment, cleanliness, healthy mind, body, and soul. Open manner, tolerance,

  19. Dear Melanie,
    You let me discover what was happening to me. I was a victim of emotional and physically abuse by the person who doesnt deserve my heart. For me all of it was an innocent love in z time when I wanted a genuine r/p but he trapped me for his pleasure n desire. God has distanced him from me now. For yrs I wonderd why he acts in such toxic n cruel ways. Through your lessons i came to know that he is a complete , a narcisist.Though distant phone contacts exist am now well aware of the whole situation. Thanks for providing me the best skill.
    My values are love, faith compassion,honesty, humility, responsibility, forgiveness and peace.
    I am from Ethiopia.

    1. Hi Maria,

      stay strong the lady and keep healing.

      You absolutely deserve the values that you shared here and nothing less, not even for a millisecond.

      Sending you love, strength and blessings

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  20. Dear Mel,
    I find I always know in my gut when I let rubbish in that I shouldn’t. The discomfort is physical and it’s always to do with respect and kindness. When I’m not sure how to respond, I test with my gut as well this solution and that solution and get a yes or a no. When it’s a yes I can feel the discomfort beginning to budge and like a smile of approval inside. It’s great because my gut doesn’t like from me any overreaction, vindictiveness or anything but the right thing. When I go with the yes all the discomfort goes, even when it’s a difficult one (like your children). Getting the hang of this I feel, at long last but I have to say a lot of module clearing really helps to feel strong and grounded in this.
    Before NARP I viewed myself as a badass who takes no rubbish because I could respond aggressively. Boy! how wrong was I, I was just a big pushover who made a lot of noise which had no effect on anyone. Now, no noise and stable as a pyramid, that’s me haha. Bliss😁

    1. Hi Angelique,

      I love how you put this, “I was just a big pushover who made a lot of noise with no effect on anyone”… This is so true for so many people before truly healing from the inside and discovering what real boundaries are.

      As you say “now no noise and stable as a pyramid!”

      This is perfect and well done Angelique!

      Much Love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

        1. (Little voice from England): goodness — and as Mel has said in her Reply — how really well you have put things. I, too, am so aware of a trajectory from a people-pleasing mouse to an angry shouty brrrumph of a person (towards my overly self-absorbed partner). And, yes, nothing changes from the challenging and the shouting. And yes, one hears one’s tirades almost in disbelief at how aggressive one has become — a distortion of the girl one grew up as, with all her hopes about being in relationship in fruitful and healthy ways. And yet, without clarity in relation to boundaries, this ‘defying’ of the other (How dare you do x !!! etc etc” has seemed a life saver: it has appeared to save one’s dignity. But after a while the distortions it brings to one’s self outweigh the gains in not being completely bulldozed by the other.
          WHAT a relief to begin to recognize that there is another way (‘the pyramid’ !). There is still a lot of work ro be done, though, for me to trust that someone new will come into my life who will value this pyramid and not leave her standing in the hot desert sun all alone — because I do so value connection and love with another person in true relationship.

  21. Backing myself up in authenticity and being real and true to mysrlf is relaxing tranquil like and biologically i feel what is called alkaline instead of lactic acid riden and in all kinds of distracting cracks and creeks of unmelodious PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN AND MORE PAIN. Authentic and attending to me is GREAT and feels good to be wholesome and healthy and sane. Thanks

  22. Hi I have found many of the values expressed here very helpful and many resonated with me. I am new to self partnering, self healing and NARP. I have been trying to understand, search for and articulate my authentic values for sometime. It’s a struggle. These values seem to align with mine, but I wasn’t sure if I was writing a list of aspirational virtues I admire. Thanks for sharing everyone. These have helped me.

    1. Hi Elizabeth,

      please know Dear Lady that as you continue working with NARP, all of these solid boundaries and values well organically arise and just “be” within you.

      You really are on your way.

      Sending you love, healing and breakthrough

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  23. Hi Melanie! My values are:
    Honesty, Decency, Kindness, Mutuality,
    Team work, Compassion for other human beings, and Family values.
    I have repeatedly listened 4 times to the first
    2 1/2 minutes of this video. I have lived in someone else’s values and truths my entire life.
    Thank you so VERY MUCH for this enlightening video regarding Boundaries! Even I at 61 years of age, I can and will take my power back!!
    Realizing that I have never lived my values, rights and truth, opens up for me a WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY, to learn to do so,
    with your help!! What a relief to not be mired in
    the chaos, uncertainty and doubt any longer!
    THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!
    Life is a learning process, and it is NEVER TOO LATE, to improve in our weaknesses!

    1. Hi Melody,

      thank you for sharing your values here.

      I love that you feel hope and positivity regarding taking your power back.

      It’s so true that we can always grow and evolve. That’s where the glory and the joy is!

      So much love to you Melody

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  24. My Values: Integrity, Mutual Self-Improvement, Reliability, Inner Peace, Benevolence, Consideration of Others, Love of God, Ethical Dealings.
    I made my definite stand in my intimate relationship in 2012 and have been celibate since then. I took my stand with my relatives in 2016 and with my father in 2019. I have always been somewhat of a loner so when establishing my boundaries resulted in practically everyone falling away from and cursing me for being selfish, I grabbed onto God with my might, my heart, my sanity and my life and He has seen me through to the present. He is the only confidant and sure thing I can swear on right now. As time passed (since stumbling onto your site) I realized that I was born into a household with a Narcissistic father and Jezebel mother (and I understand my mother was a sweetheart compared to her mother – go figure.). My father sexually abused my eldest sister (i’m the baby of 3 girls) and the one I followed started to molest me after she began hanging out with our eldest sister. I spent most of my childhood and teenage years under the bed or under clothes in the closet so they (my sisters and 4 cousins) would forget I was home. I worked in my mother’s home-grocery, was an outstanding track & field athlete in prep and high school, went to church – anything not to go home or be in the house. I got used to being alone in a crowd. I became so efficient that even when I started to work outside of the home my associates always enjoyed the food, the results of the work done, and the ambiance I created without noticing that I was never in their presence – my presence was felt but I was not seen, if you can understand what I mean. I didn’t realize the situation I was in until in 2012 I lost everything to my father (again) and when I turned to my mother’s relatives for help their reply was that it was my time to suffer. Seems my mother would “feed” them to my father for his pleasures when they were under her care and when they complained she sent them back to the farm and sent for another one. They considered me privileged because I had not been ‘touched’ and I was the one who ran the business, and provided for them. God has stood by me and I have not lost my sanity as they had predicted I would. Your site and others have helped me to understand that this is a spiritual entity which is why wherever I go I seem to draw out the narcissist in everyone (work, associates, etc.) because I was ‘cultured’ to serve. I have since established boundaries and I find that a new breed of associates are coming into my life (who for the life of me think I have the ability to lead them…). I am grateful for your blog. My relatives continue to watch me closely wondering how it is that I am still alive. I have placed them in the Hands of God and am focused on me now which seems to make them VERY angry. God has given me a second chance at life and I can’t afford to be a fool anymore. There is a saying in Jamaica – “God will take a fool but He won’t keep them”, meaning when He takes you up after all others have forsaken you, and He reveals the truth to you if you choose to keep playing the fool and return to your old ways, He will let you be. Keep up the good work and Stay Blessed.

    1. Hi Odette,

      thank you for sharing your beautiful values with all of us.

      I very much appreciate your blessings and I’m sending you continued love healing and blessings Dear Lady.

      Your courage is completely inspirational.

      So much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  25. Fabulous task! I found this incredibly meaningful, insightful and empowering. I did this with my family and used a core value list that I found on myvisualvision.com. I put my values to the Litmus test and they held true!

    For me, growth, learning and education are key (funny that I am a teacher!) Reflection, intuition, independence, kindness and generosity really resonate with me. I am so excited as to how I am going to move forward with this knowledge in mind. Thank you!

  26. Melanie, I have been following your work for four years, and it has changed my world. I won’t go into my life story, but it was horrific. It’s been a long haul, but every miracle on the way out of hell has been worth it. I’m saying this for the benefit of others who are stuck in their darkness. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep working, keep trusting, put your healing first. You can do this. Thank you. Much, much love. x

  27. Boundaries have always been foreign to me especially growing up in an alcoholic dysfunctional home and I have just been learning about them and enforcing them too. I was so easygoing that I let anyone and everyone walk over me causing me to be in constant pain. Enforcing my boundaries has created some isolation as a lot of people liked the old me but I didn’t. My values are to speak the truth and to have integrity in whatever I do or say. I no longer allow abuse or disrespect and have been known to end conversations if I am finding it to be either of these. I love that you have put it in writing and I am thinking I will put it somewhere close for easy access as it is not yet a habit. There is always more for me to learn but I am on the path and I always enjoy your blogs Mel.

  28. Hi Melanie, thanks for this excellent episode.

    Over the last 5 years I had a push-pull relationship in which I did not have boundaries – even at the limit, when I suffered not just verbal but physical abuse, which she justified as ‘self-defence’.

    She did, and does, have boundaries – but, by staying in the relationship when everything in her values and truths said that she should end it, she did not observe those boundaries of hers. She blames me for the failure, and on most days I also blame myself, despite valiant efforts by friends and therapist to tell me that ‘it takes two’, ‘both are wounded in this type of relationship’ etc.

    So this just to say, backing up what you yourself say in this video, that it is necessary not just to have the boundaries, but to know how to enforce them. And in both aspects I feel I am still a learner.

    Two wounded people can co-create a really painful, dysfunctional relationship in which each one is violating the other, albeit perhaps in different ways. The question both of us ask: Why did we persist and stay for so long?

  29. What to do when that person threats you that, “if you will move on and marry someone else I will kill you and that boy as well.” And I have fear that he can hurt my parents. What to do? please help me.

    1. Hi Nikita,

      I am so sorry that you are dealing with that fear and trauma. I would suggest seeing a domestic violence contact and absolutely without him knowing.

      Also please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to know how you can work on the fear within you and take your power back for yourself and your son.

      I hope that this can help and sending you and your son big hugs and strength

      Mel 🙏💕💚

    2. I also feel reverberations for Nikita, as I’ve been there myself. I got lucky and my husband ended up in jail, giving me the distance I needed. (Needless to say, once he was out 4 yrs later in 2017 he was scarier than ever tho.) I finally went thru with cutting contact and getting restraining order in 2017, and after 5 years of retaliation at me for it, (played out as a legal battle for access to our daughter), he’s finally long gone, and out of our sights and minds, (Huge sigh of relief!), and I’ve begun the long road of healing. And thus able to finally look at & deal with the source; my relation to the primary Narc in my life: a toxic, abusive, narc mother.

      Many, many times while in the thick of it, facing what you’re facing, I despaired so badly, and did not think I would make it. Or would win the legal battle afterward. But I did, with the grace of god, and we are okay, even much better. 🙂

      I share all this just in hopes that it can help send you strength and clarity as you move forward! It is sad and terrifying, but I believe in your ability to protect the two of you, sister. It’s so disturbing that it’s not a bluff, but a very real reality that we have to face. I am praying for you two, and I’m sure you will make it out safely! ❤️ TRUST YOURSELF & YOUR INSTINCTS! [And please do what Mel said :).]

  30. My values:

    Integrity
    Honesty
    Diplomacy
    Decency
    Kindness (especially towards children, the elderly, the disabled and animals)
    Compassio
    Equality and mutuality
    Having a sense of humour
    Self-restraint

  31. I’m about to reply, but I have to say that I *loved Neta Topor’s values reply! Succinct, and completely resonate with my own.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.