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Many people in this community struggle to trust again after being smashed to pieces by an abuser.ย  This is completely and utterly understandable.

Yet, there is a way to turn all of this around.

There is a way to engage in interpersonal relationships, be confident, healthy and safe, and to be able to open up our hearts again.

If this is deeply what you DO desire and would love to know how to be safe to trust again, this Thriver TV episode is a must watch video for you.

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Video Transcript

This is such a big question.

CAN you ever trust again after being abused?

I promise you with all my heart that you can.

And, even more than trust again after being abused, you can be more confident, powerful and capable of retaining your boundaries and creating trustworthy relationships than you ever were able to be, even before being abused.

Is this because you now know what to look out for and avoid?

Or is there a deeper and more powerful reason that you can be safe within interpersonal relationships?

Please watch on to find out!

Okay, so before we get started, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission and promoting the awareness that it is possible to heal for real after abuse, by subscribing to my channel. And if you enjoy this video please give it a thumbs up.

Alright, so letโ€™s get started on todayโ€™s episode.

 

How Trust is Shattered After Abuse

Abusers capture your trust. They are highly skilled at winning your confidence and making you believe you will be safe regarding your business, money, health, heart and soul.

It tears apart the very fabric of our lives when we begin to understand that this person is not trustworthy at all. In fact, whatever deal they have garnered with us was completely and utterly for them, at our expense.

Of course, after somebody has so deeply penetrated and violated your inner sanctum, you feel like you may never trust again.

After being abused you may feel completely disillusioned with humankind.

I remember doubting that I could trust anyone at all in my life.

I even believed, โ€œhumans are not to be trustedโ€. I know itโ€™s likely that you have felt or do feel the same.

We can be forgiven for thinking this because the history of abuse and atrocities on this planet have been horrific.

We may even suspect other people in our life as being abusive and not to be trusted.

These are all very normal feelings in the shellshocked aftermath of abuse.

At first, this is not a bad thing, because after narcissistic abuse our most powerful position in order to get well is to self-partner and start self-healing.

The most important person we need to regain trust and connection with is ourselves.

This is a time in your life to shut down and heal. Itโ€™s appropriate to not let people deeply in right now. Yes, trusted people can help support you, but they canโ€™t take the pain away for you, or do the inner work for you.

This is your time to heal and deeply learn how to trust yourself.

Letโ€™s explore this necessity at a deeper level โ€ฆ to help you really understand it.

 

Our Life is Not About Trusting Others, itโ€™s About Trusting Ourselves

Initially, this was a very difficult concept for me to understand.

I wanted to trust others. I wanted other people to be strong, solid and reliable in my life so that I could durably feel safe.

But what I hadnโ€™t yet understood was that until I could feel strong, solid and reliable in my life, I couldnโ€™t have experiences with other people where I could take care of and generate my own safety.

I wanted other people to look after my boundaries for me. I didnโ€™t want to have to speak up. I didnโ€™t want to have to be the one who would make the decision as to โ€œyesโ€ or โ€œnoโ€ regarding important life choices.

I didnโ€™t want to take control of the health and safety of my life. As a result, I handed my power and control of my life over to other people, including those who reflected back to me the lack of care of my life, that unconsciously I wasnโ€™t granting myself.

I didnโ€™t realise this immediately, I promise you.

And, as you know, this ended up very badly for me.

Thank goodness, I did realise the truth, and rather than blaming other people for not being trustworthy, I became fully dedicated to the mission of healing myself up to become the person who I could totally trust and ensure that my own values, health and life was respected.

I knew it needed to be up to me now, and I knew that I had a lot of work to do on this.

I healed so many of the fears that I had always carried inside of myself. And I addressed these, in the privacy of my own home on my own couch with NARP. This didnโ€™t have anything to do with anybody else, it was firmly between me and me.

Then a startling transformation took place within me.

I realised that it was nobody elseโ€™s responsibility to treat me kindly, honestly and safely.

I realised that it was my responsibility to take my time to conduct my own life solidly and healthily.

Meaning, getting to know people at a healthy rate, rather than being so hungry and reckless for connection. Defining and expressing my values and truths and disconnecting from people who didnโ€™t have the same values or capacity to meet me at the levels that were true for me.

What I discovered, as a result of this personal evolution, was that people who disrespected my boundaries and values and treated my rights with abuse and contempt, never were people who have the resources to be healthy for me anyway.

They were simply behaving as themselves!

These realisations created a huge shift in me.

Because no longer did my life feel like, โ€œwho and what can I trust?โ€ I had taken my power back, I knew that I could trust myself and create my own life healthily, regardless of what anybody else was being or doing.

 

Is There a Need to Look Out For Abusers?

Within this huge shift, after cleaning out my traumas and feeling peaceful, safe and healthy inside, I no longer had the feeling of having to look out for abusers.

I knew a deeper more empowering truth now.

It didnโ€™t matter who and what other people were, it only mattered who I was being within my truth, boundaries and values.

True to Quantum Form โ€“ the feeling must proceed the actual change in events โ€“ and change they did.

Now that I no longer had the horrible fear inside of me continually asking, โ€œwho can I trust?โ€ Healthy, real and trustworthy people started showing up in my life.

Not people who were love bombing, pushy, manipulative and engulfing. Rather, people who were settled, calm, diligent and reliable.

These were not people with dark agendas, and who were getting bent out of shape, triggering anxieties within me, over things that most humans wouldnโ€™t even blink an eyelid at.

But you see, I had become very different. The OUTER was matching my newly established INNER.

The truth was I didnโ€™t even have any fear or condition over โ€˜whoโ€™ people were anymore โ€“ because I knew I could and would deal with it.

No longer was I ever going to abandon my Inner Being and my gut feelings. I was now committed to showing up honestly, meaning backing myself and asking the difficult questions and asking for verification and doing the due diligence to never put my finances, heart, soul and literal life on the line again.

My motto was โ€“ be sensible with boundaries whilst being openhearted, proceed at a healthy pace if all good, and investigate honestly anything funky, and let go of people and situations which do not align with my Inner Beingโ€™s values and truths.

The Universe was extremely helpful in my newfound evolution. I was sent some dodgy people. I was delivered some incidences and situations where I could have easily been taken in again if I had abandoned myself.

I promise you there were still people who got through the cracks. But it only ever happened when I was too busy or too involved with other things to not do my due diligence properly.

Or when I dismissed my inner feelings and didnโ€™t follow them up.

We always get the warnings!

 

The Confidence Trusting Yourself Grants You

I really want you to feel the incredible shift in your life that will occur when you deeply understand that no one else is responsible for your life apart from you.

This I want you to know with all my heart, there are beautiful and incredible people in the world.

This is not about having to have perfect people in your life for you to be safe. This is about you journeying with people who have the basic decent human values to be good people and then grow with you as a result of you being honest about your values, rights and truths.

When you are prepared to be this person who leads the way with honesty and respect for yourself, you give permission for others to do the same, and then you will start to have the most satisfying, gratifying and loving relationships of your life.

Then, you can start to open your heart and enjoy your interpersonal experiences. This is because you know if things were to change and one day someone did not share the same values as you, you are already self-partnered and whole enough to let go and move on, and keep creating your life with what and who does.

Only then are you truly free to live and love, without fear and pain.

I promise you, it is not until you stop fearing change or loss that you can be free to love, and this is only possible via the inner healing with yourself.

When you achieve this, you know that you have finally come home to the truth.

I hope that this is inspiring you to know that it is possible to have healthy and happy relationships after your trust has been shattered.

In fact, you will be able to reinstate your ability to love and connect with people in ways that you never thought possible โ€“ far more healthily than even before suffering abuse.

If you want this with all of your heart, and you are ready to come on this journey to get to where I am, as well as so many other Thrivers, then click this link.

I hope that this has really helped, and if you like this video please make sure to give it a like and share it with people who you know are struggling with trusting again.

And as always, I so look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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Commments (16) + Leave a comments

16 thoughts on “Can You Ever Trust Again After Being Abused?

  1. Exactly, you hit the nail on the head. It took me a long time to learn to trust myself and at the same time understand boundaries. My family was not a good resource of role models to follow; in fact I had to unlearn a lot of garbage my family put upon me in my early days.

    working through the traumas, understanding boundaries with the help of education, I have learned to trust myself again. I know that I may make an incorrect judgement in the future; because after all I am human, I will not succumb so easily and grow in the process and be able to move on without guilt.

    1. Hi Rhonda,

      that’s wonderful that you have been working at your development and that you understand that any “slip” is another golden chance for even further development.

      There are no mistakes, only growth opportunities!

      Much Love and blessings to you

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  2. This is a phenomenal article, Melanie. I know that every word you wrote is true, and yet I still have some old fears. That just tells me my work is not yet done. Thank you for this. It is exactly what I needed to read today.
    Stefanie in California:-)

  3. Thanks Again Melanie I’ve been feeling Guilty that i had abandoned my family and close friends when i became involved with the Nark, but after hearing this episode, i realised its because i had actually abandoned myself first, so no wonder i had abandoned others also, So no more Guilt, Blessings Col

  4. This resonated so deeply for me. I found myself being suspicious and distrustful as I began to โ€œdateโ€ again. In my mind everyone had ulterior motives. I am learning to listen to that inner voice, set my boundaries, and love myself.
    That is no easy task due unhealed childhood wounds and abandonment issues. You have been such an inspiration. While I am unable to do the NARP program at this time, I hang on your every word and take them into my heart and soul. I understand that my healing is a journey that must come from deep within.
    Learning to trust again is huge for me.
    Thank you for showing us that it must begin with self trust. I was with my narc for almost 9 years. He reaped havoc on my emotions . A textbook case, exhibiting every awful behavior.
    I was so โ€œin loveโ€ I kept trying at the expense of everything else in my life. He sucked me dry. The pain I experienced was excruciating and debilitating. He would leave suddenly and then ghost me. After convincing me the week before that we had โ€œthe greatest love of allโ€
    He made me frantic, non functional, broken.
    I was so caught up in the cycle I couldnโ€™t see any of it. And now that I am no contact and healing one residual effect is trusting again
    Thank you for showing they way!

    1. Hi Anna,

      I’m so pleased this resonated with you.

      In regard to NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp , do you know that you can do small monthly payments and begin the program straightaway? Also once trauma starts shifting out all opportunity opens up as well as emotional … including financial. They are deeply interconnected.

      It’s great that you want to connect to the power of self-trust, and I’m so pleased that you are honouring yourself with No Contact and on your path to healing.

      You are definitely on your way!

      You are so welcome Anna, and sending you love, strength and healing.

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  5. Loved this one Mel, spot on! ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿผ
    I am trusting myself & the work Iโ€™m doing with Narp, more & more each day.. the feeling of confidence you describe here is absolutely amazing, & one Iโ€™ve never felt before!
    Iโ€™ve had a few things slip through the cracks, & as soon as I realise that, I now also realise itโ€™s because I had briefly turned away from myself & ignored my gut feelings once again.
    This program is changing me & my life for the better, & I know I would never have believed it if I hadnโ€™t proved it to myself by doing the inner work!
    Iโ€™ve had some โ€˜difficult conversationsโ€™ in recent weeks, (working on your 66 day challenge), & am pleasantly surprised by the results of those too.. Iโ€™ve had to say goodbye to a few people, but have done so without feeling the usual guilt & anxiety that I was so used to previously, & others have been unexpectedly accepting & understanding, & our relationships have been uplevelled hugely as a result!
    Iโ€™m now planning to eliminate my terrible habit of smoking cigarettes, & have been up & down a lot with this recently.. allowing my stresses & ego to rule me. I have heaps to shift on this one, but Iโ€™m feeling very determined to succeed & not give up.
    You rock beautiful lady!
    Much love, Wendy xo

    1. Hi Wendy,

      I am so thrilled that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is helping you build trust and faith in confidence in yourself so much, and that you are reaping the benefits as a result of devoting to the inner work.

      That’s brilliant that you are working through honouring you with the 66 Day Planner and being able to have the truthful and authentic conversations with people to see who can uplevel with you!

      Wendy it is so inspirational whenever Thrivers like yourself grab the tools and really run with them!

      Please know sweetheart that if I could hunker down into the bunkers for three days and clear all of the trauma that came up regarding my smoking with NARP, and emerge completely and utterly free of any urge after that (I was so hooked!)โ€ฆ anyone can.

      You have got this Wendy.

      Right back at you, you rock big time!

      Much love to you as well!

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  6. Hi Melanie,

    Trust is such a major question today as our faith is tried during the current corrective global concerns.

    “Fixing” human situations somehow is never sufficiently satisfying. The trust has to be firmly established on things that do not change. Human life goes up and down. “Good” in human experience is an unreliable measure of “right”. It can not be trusted because it can be very short lived.

    I have to remember to rejoice in all tribulation too because the storms teach us to rely on what never changes nor fails. ETERNAL things.

    I have to thank God FOR the Narc experience.

    To remember the beautiful feelings of LOVE that do not die with time but ever live to amuse me when I remember how I played along with the deceptions. I knew something was always just short of true when he talked, so I suspended totally betting the farm. I knew that Truth has a ring to it. I never got that ring. (No pun intended)

    I place trust in those things that are certain, that have proven records, that have sustained me, that never change and have never failed me: the love of God and the power of that love.

    This love leads us through the valley and the mountain top. Saves from Narcs and from self. No matter what the current story. I firmly trust in God to feed, to lead, to restore me to a pure understanding of Who I Am as a child of GOD.

    Much love and great peace to all: Great peace is exactly what we have when we know what to trust.

    Trusting confidently …

    1. Hi Iris,

      it is huge this topic right now! I pre-recorded this episode a few weeks ago before this crazy thing broke loose!

      Absolutely, Iris, this is teaching us to connect to deeper eternal truths and ways of being, rather than the day-to-day distractions. This is about what is really important and real in life.

      This is an incredible opportunity for a global growth in consciousness.

      I love that you have that beautiful level of faith, and thank you for sharing and inspiring it within all of this.

      So much love to you

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  7. Dear Melanie,
    This is such a powerful message. I began my NARP work last month and had already sadly realized I would never trust anyone enough again to even have another intimate relationship. I feel empowered now that this too shall change.
    I understand the concept of it all being about me being truthful to me regarding my values and self respect. I can’t tell you how many times I told my ex narc, before being kicked out, how disrespected I felt by her. But, I realize now I am the one who disrespected me because I should have walked right out the door the first time I realized a huge lie she told me. And so many more followed.
    I still have a lot of healing to do, and Module work to accomplish before I regain my self confidence, but that self confidence is now based on something totally different than it had before I met the Covert Narc. Before I based it on the person I was, that I liked myself because of the values I had. BUT, when it came down to having those values respected, standing up for my own values, I went limp like a wet tissue and let my ex narc march all over me and my values/boundaries…for fear of being criticized, rejected, abandoned, and/or punished (CRAP.)
    Thank You for helping me and all of us heal this most important foundation stone!
    Love and Light to you always,
    Kathryn

    1. Hi Kathryn,

      Absolutely I promise you that that can change!

      That’s great that you are deeply understanding this concept now. I also love that you are deeply getting how you weren’t anchored in generating those values yet.

      That’s the work, and you are so on your way. You have got this Kathryn!

      So much love to you and thank you for yours!

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’š

  8. It took years (if ever) to recover from her. There was no way I could even ask a woman out, I was so distressed. So eventually I did, nice girl, dinner, far too much grog (as it was in those days) back to my place, no plans but to see her again, when she said ” I don’t find you particularly attractive”.

    Well, what I’d being through, then on the receiving end of this. No more mister nice guy. I got what I wanted and kicked her out in the morning.

    So I changed from being far too generous to a far more hardened personality.

    You can’t go through a Narc experience without changing

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