Melanie Tonia Evans

The 4 Steps to Opening Your Heart After Narcissistic Abuse

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
41
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I know you may be struggling to keep your heart open to love again after narcissistic abuse, and it’s totally understandable, because there is nothing quite like the devastation that this level of abuse inflicts on our heart …

And it’s natural for our mind and body to try and protect us.

However, you may feel frustrated because you would like to connect with others and fearlessly build new relationships, and even possibly fall in love again.

Maybe, because your heart has been hurt so much, you couldn’t possibly contemplate purposeful dating, even though there have been no love opportunities enter your life.

Perhaps the thought of opening yourself up to love, and then having to deal with inapplicable people showing you attention, makes your stomach turn.

This Thriver TV episode will show you how to open your heart to love fearlessly including how we know we are no longer suffering a particular painful subconscious love program, and how to know that we have taken our soul graduation, meaning what has hurt us in the past doesn’t ever need to show up again.

Today’s video is about how to find love again with an open heart whilst NOT being susceptible to damage and trauma and abuse, by taking these powerful 4 steps which I’m going to share.

It is my deepest wish this video inspires you to know you can open yourself up to love, and generate it, whilst staying healthily in your power and honoring yourself.

As mentioned in this episode, I’d love you to connect with me on the MTE Instagram – where will be posting even more daily inspiration, tips and much more.

I know how important the journey of opening our heart is. Once up a time I was lonely, and wanted love, but was terrified of being vulnerable again.

These four steps got me there, and I SO know that they can do the same for you!

I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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41 Thoughts on The 4 Steps to Opening Your Heart After Narcissistic Abuse
  • bar-car@live.ca'
    Carole
    December 13, 2017

    Hi Melanie I so need to learn excately how my inner child has been hurt,I think I can name a few things.But more importantly I’m not sure I understand the quantum healing.Im a spiritual person & pray every day for God’s healing since I kicked my ex Narc out last May.Ive listened to so many of your vidieos and you are an inspiration to me.I never heard the word narcissistic until I realized something was terrible wrong with my marriage.I went almost one year and a half before breaking the relationship/marriage but it wasn’t until I realized I was in the discard stage.Everything fell into place.Its Been a long hard journey since May but I have remained no contact.Thank you for all your work!! This was my second marriage,pretty sure my first husband had Narc PD also.Can you help me with quantum healing??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 13, 2017

      Hi Carole,

      Please check out my free resources which will connect you – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse and also come into my free workshop where you will experience Quantum Tools directly – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo <3

    • Jaynelh59@dodo.como'
      Jayne
      December 13, 2017

      Hi Melanie has some wonderful points you can combine both- my ex didn’t stop at no contact- so I told him to stop or I will ring the police- never had a problem since he is a coward little man , full stop

      • Jaynelh59@dodo.como'
        Jayne
        December 13, 2017

        And also forgive them love always wins u know that, forgiving and time will heal believe me / remember they are playing u let them go u will be fine- silly narcs they are

  • bardenallison@yahoo.com'
    allison
    December 13, 2017

    Yes, I am also looking for the quantum healing. Where can I fins the process?

  • emxx@sbcglobal.net'
    Healing
    December 13, 2017

    omg, fractures……. yes. I plan to continue to do my work, I want for my thriving to get easier and better. thnk you mel

  • Brianballo@hotmail.com'
    Brian
    December 13, 2017

    Melanie:

    I sincerely wish you the best in getting remarried, and having a family, with a man that loves your son. But, honestly, we know the odds of that happening are extremely slim.

    However, The truth is: Practically all the healthy normal people will wisely chose Not to get romantically involved with a divorced person – even if it was the Narcissists’ Fault.

    Unfortunately, the Surviving and even Thriving after Narcisdistic Abuse, can only result in Self-partnering. We missed our opportunity for a true quality family life. No matter what, everything going forward is just a compromise.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2017

      Hi Brain,

      I have left this comment up but deleted your others, because you have had your ‘rant’ in this one.

      Please know this Comunity is filled with people remarried happily just as I am re-partnered happily with ironically a man who is divorced and also has kids. And we have a lovely quality of life after working on ourselves to learn and heal what we needed to learn and heal.

      We are not in the 1920’s Brian, divorce and kids and remarriage is commonplace.

      Please do not put your version on others – it is your version.

      If you want to hold another person responsible (narcissist or otherwise) for your future happiness that there is absolutely a self-imposed limitation on your life.

      Mel xo

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Elina
        December 15, 2017

        Hi Melanie!

        Good comment! “Funny” that prince Harry´s future wife is also a once divorced woman and so is the current queen of Spain!! (before she married the now king). Aww, everything is possible! 🙂 I also want to choose positivity, no matter what!

        I have never loved anyone so much and felt so passionate about anyone than my n ex. He was divorced and had one child! The relationship ended, not because he was already been married and had a child. Nope, it failed because he was a… narcissist!

        I love what Henry Ford has famously said: If you think you cannot or if you think you can, either way, you are always right! (meaning, beliefs became reality)

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 15, 2017

          Hi Elina,

          exactly!

          I love that you are choosing the unlimited positively of aligning with the beliefs that you wish to live 🙂

          Mel xo

    • annabelhc@gmail.com'
      Belle
      December 19, 2017

      I’m twice divorced and finally have partnered with a lovely human being. I am still working on my issues but he is loving and understanding.
      Lots of people have been divorced. Lots of people will continue to be divorced and lots of people will continue to re partner. Some of us actually want to get it right, just once.

      I missed nothing. I compromise on many things but finding a loving partner who isn’t a narc or psychopath is something I will not compromise on.

      Chin up Brian. It’s good out there.

  • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    December 13, 2017

    Hi Mel!

    I watched this whole video with the biggest grin on my face ever! Last time I responded to one of these videos, I mentioned that my lack of postings had to do with having such a great summer after making giant shifts earlier this year. Then about two months ago, I got on a dating website and the fun just keeps happening! It’s not that I’ve met anyone I want to get involved with, it’s that every interaction feels like gifts from the universe. Like I’m in some sort of training camp where I get to practice, practice, practice responding to these guys in ways that empower, nurture and protect my inner being while having fun getting to know different people and myself. It’s hard to believe that I even thought that being 50 ys/o was too late. I’ve never thought that about anything in my life. That was in my head because I was judging myself because of the ex-narc I was with and forgetting who I am…..which is a beautiful, generous, empathic soul that has created the life that I wanted from the inside out. Soon as I got good with that…boom….everything switched. And there’s been bonuses too!

    I’ve studied a lot of energy medicine and became certified as a Reiki practitioner some years ago, but I’ve never really gone out of my way to advertise that part of my healing practice. I knew that while the energy of an empaths heart is very strong, as reported by my massage clients, I didn’t feel like I had the evidence I needed to confidently share Reiki with others….until I made some shifts as a result of true deep healing. I have not changed ONE SINGLE THING about me on the surface. I’m still the same weight, didn’t go out and get a makeover, still wearing the same casual clothing (nothing majorly feminine), but my energy is different. I feel it and so does everyone else. This was exactly the proof I needed and it is spectacular to see men reacting to me in ways they had not before the shift. To actually SEE the effects of this invisible energy is nothing short of amazing! And because I had no idea how this energy medicine validation would show up, I also no longer care how ANYTHING shows up because I completely trust that the universe will give me what I need when and how I need it. I’m good with that too!!!

    Another bonus….after having a fabulous summer, which would take too long to write about everything here, in short, has gotten me to a point where I will be finally returning to school to work on my doctorate in acupuncture and herbology! The story behind that is a 30-year nightmare of fraud and corruption that prevented me from pursuing higher education. I didn’t let it stop me from studying and taking advantage of other avenues of learning and I’m certified in many things, but this has been my biggest desire and now it’s happening too! Without the deeper healing, my inner wounds blinded me to what I needed to do to be free of that nightmare. Well, I’m free of that nightmare!

    Also….discerning over judging……a MUCH more peaceful and healthy way to see the world……need I say more?

    I’m still working through NARP and I’ve treated myself to the EMPOWERED SELF course for which I’m looking so forward to doing because I just want to keep this going (but I don’t want to go too fast and miss something.) It is Divine to be this excited about a future I can’t even imagine!

    Your videos are always so on point. I’m so grateful for what you’ve created and shared with us. Thank you Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2017

      Hi Asha,

      I’m so glad you enjoyed this!

      I’m so happy for you that you are doing so well, and I love that you are dating in your power like this and experiencing the fruits of your inner shift work personally and professionally!

      How wonderful you are going to get started on Empowered Self and take the journey to an even more expanded level.

      It’s my absolute pleasure Asha and thank you for your lovely post.

      Sending many continued blessings 🙂

      Mel xo

  • still.smiling.here@gmail.com'
    Shanni
    December 13, 2017

    Wow, Melanie, this was a GREAT video, I think one of my favorites!! I really liked your specific examples of the Thriving mentality vs the Victim Mentality. I have come a long ways with the Thriver mentality, but the Victim mentality (“There are no good men out there…there is no chance left for us!”) is SO prevalent among the single women my age that I sometimes feel myself slipping, and it can be quite the fight to maintain my positive belief system! Because these negative belief patterns are so common I start to feel unusual for working to belief something different from “everyone else,” and that’s when the doubt wants to creep in.

    I’m so grateful for your videos because you support the beliefs that I think are really TRUE regarding being able to have a very satisfying, happy life no matter what has happened in the past. These things FEEL right to me; it just gets hard when I am surrounded by so many who don’t seem to believe this. Do you have any suggestions for how to deal with this? Do I just avoid these kinds of conversations altogether if the other individual(s) have these types of negative, despairing attitudes? I feel like I don’t yet know other Thrivers, and so is it best to just be alone? I don’t want to be anti-social…but I guess that if that’s best for now then I can just listen to your videos to keep my spirits up. They always help. 🙂 Sending lots of love your way!! Keep up the wonderful work!!!

  • Ema0305@hotmail.co.uk'
    Elaine
    December 13, 2017

    Brian the reason you wont find anyone is because you are very negative and clearly hurting. Youre not at the stage to meet anyine, theyd run a mile from your intense negativity. You should do the narp program, it will change your life

  • stefycobain81@libero.it'
    Stephanie
    December 13, 2017

    Thank you very very much My Angel!!!!!!! This was soooooo helpful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Wish you the most magical Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • ccervellieri@gmail.com'
    Mary
    December 14, 2017

    Hi, I have been deeply struggling for almost two years now. When I first started dating him, it took him about a year and a half to feel like he was serious about me. He took me to see the Nutcracker during Christmas. He just met someone a few months ago, and took her to the same restaurant he took me to before seeing, you guessed it, the Nutcracker. He also just wrote a yelp review about how he took his partner to get a couples massage as part of a holiday treat. He detailed how they got a private room and how special it was. Our first Christmas, he wouldn’t even exchange gifts with me, or celebrate it with me. He instead met up with an ex who gave him a gift. Then came Valentine’s Day – he wouldn’t celebrate that with me either. We were both home alone. But this girl, who he practically just met, gets couple massages (He never did anything like that for me!) and they are posting pictures on facebook about the nutcracker. In almost seven years, he refused to post one picture with me on social media, and just met her and they post pictures together. Also, he always made me feel terrible because he said my college I went to was not good enough, and always made me feel that my career wasn’t good enough either. …..She didn’t go to college. This was SUCH a huge thing for him, so make me feel like I wasn’t smart enough for him, and then he dates someone who I know he considers not smart enough for him. And to flaunt it! I am just very upset, so sorry for the venting.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2017

      Hi Mary,

      that’s okay that is what we all did when we hold someone else responsible for the attention, love and devotion (self-parenting) we have not as yet healed and become within ourselves.

      For all of us who received obscene behaviour and tolerated it the real questions are: “Why dd I do this?” “What do I need to find and heal within myself that allowed me to do that?

      Mary what we accept we get, and it always reflects how we really feel about ourselves, due to the childhood and pasts we have had.The real work is to sort and heal that – then we will never go through something like that again.

      He is not responsible for your life, you are. That’s where your power and great life awaits.

      Mel xo

    • Johnandmary@hotmail.com'
      John
      January 23, 2018

      Really?

  • angelikmaispastrop@gmail.com'
    Angelique
    December 14, 2017

    This is awsome thanks Mel! Great direction and also a way to measure how far I’ve come. Tolerance to red flags OMG! otherwise known as rose tinted glasses. Work to do I guess but happily so. Merry Christmas to everyone on this path, much love and light.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2017

      Hi Angelique,

      I’m glad you enjoyed this! Merry Christmas to you too sweetheart.

      Mel xo

  • Marciasevans72@gmail.com'
    Simone
    December 14, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Great to see videos on moving forward into new love, thankyou.
    However, I was disappointed in parts of this, when you spoke about online dating and “we are not so young in this community.” To me these comments reflect a “scarcity” attitude. If the universe really is as powerful as you speak on quantum law then we should have an abundance attitude believing the power of the universe will deliver love. Love knows no age, it’s not of bodies, but of spirit. As like Asha above I have met people in my day to day life, they turn up everywhere and there are some great resources out there on behaviors to attract conscious men from events you have referred the community to in the past. So I would just encourage those who are not inclined to online dating not to worry about it, the universe will deliver – trust in it and allow it the time it needs to do so !

    Looking forward to more videos on healthy love relationships.

    Simone

  • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
    Bren
    December 14, 2017

    I’m absolutely so content being on my own now. I have no desire at this time to date or be in a relationship…..but I will do this exercise to clear and detox previous patterns in relationships that have any charges relating thereto. …this only for my evolving and being trigger free in this regard…..Doing it for me. Thank you Mel.❤️❤️❤️

    • Marciasevans72@gmail.com'
      Simone
      December 14, 2017

      Me too Bren…. it’s awesome! Makes me ponder if we really need relationships and what the future might look like for human beings going forward.
      Simone

      • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
        Bren
        December 14, 2017

        Hi Simone…..this year 2017 I dated a very little…like 3 dates. I honored myself cause the guys felt not right for me. I really had a stress free year with a choice to leave it behind. I asked myself if the stress of dating outweighed the pleasure of peace and contentment. I chose the latter. Now I know there are good men out there. I meet them in my work as a barber all the time but I’m loving giving myself the inner attention and care that my soul longed for. I enjoy self partnering ….it gives me perspective about being honest with myself….my little me never lies. I’ve enquired from her if dating/relationship is what we want now …it seems she says not at this time. She is enjoying my undivided attention. It’s been one of my best years seeing who I truly am, and I’m loving myself so fully…it feels satisfying. I check to see that Ego is not doing the fear thing, but at this time I’m Listening to myself. I’m not going against my gut. it may change, it may not, so be it.

        • Marciasevans72@gmail.com'
          Simone
          December 14, 2017

          Hi Bren, that is so awesome!! I think I remember resonating with you on the forum some years back. How far we have come – thanks to Melanie’s NARP programme, which I still use now but for thriving and very little now for recovery . So happy to read you are thriving also and content and at peace, absolute joy for me to read this. Well done!!!
          Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 15, 2017

      Hi Bren,

      darling lady that is so perfect that you are doing it for you. I love that you are always reaching forward into more and more wholeness.

      Mel xo

  • cperron@san.rr.com'
    Cindy
    December 14, 2017

    Hi Melanie!

    Truly the key is ‘falling in love with the process’ of Healing… And ooooh boy, it’s a bit like falling in love with goin’ to the gym. Planning those meditations times into your life… Doing them, feeling them… And THEN, the feeling of moments/hours/days of salvation… And you stack the moments/hours/days, which turn into a state of being when you walk into the world. The pain and self-doubt can seem interminable and omnipresent until we find the healing (instead of ranting) process – that active, intentional, effective, get-to-the-source-of-the-somatically-held-pain process. NARP does that!!! Melanie has created that! And I am alive and moving effectively through my life (after N abuse life) thanks to it.

    Thanks Mel!! Love you & Co.!!
    Cindy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 15, 2017

      Hi Cindy,

      that is so spot on perfectly put!

      It is so about the healing and not the ranting process!

      Tons of love and blessings to you Cindy 🙂

      Mel xo

  • lingenieuse@gmail.com'
    deb
    December 14, 2017

    Dear Melanie,
    I spent most of 5 years with a man who lied to me, gave me the silent treatment, didn’t stand up for me and hurt my feelings. I’m not sure why I keep trying to make the relationship work. I guess it was because he told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He was going through a divorce that was endless and when he was finally free he got involved with someone else while I was out of town. I realize that I should not but I feel like a failure and that I will be alone for the rest of my life. It is so hard for me to stop going over what happened and forget about him. I feel that I still hope that we will get back together again

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 15, 2017

      Hi Deb,

      Sending you love and stenrgth.

      Please know, we try to keep making the relationship work because there is an unresolved wounded part within us that is trying to get this person (representing the previous childhood wound) to do it differently this time.

      There is a way out of the pain, and I’d love to help you connect to that. This is the first step Deb http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • adela.surferette@gmail.com'
    Surferette
    December 15, 2017

    Wow. Great advice dear Tonia, so true! Spot on!

  • My_bba@yahoo.com'
    Helene
    December 15, 2017

    I dont have a pattern. Grrr so frustrating. This is how they get me. Im all ready for the previous. Now its a normal broken person. But its still the unhealed in me. He treats me as an option. Thats a new one. Usually i am the center of their thots and needs lol
    Gosh
    Sigh

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 16, 2017

      Hi Helene,

      please know that if our original traumas are not healed – even if we decide against EVER going there again – it will just show up “another way”. I promise you that I have experienced this myself, and sometimes the bottom denominator in painful beliefs that we absorbed in childhood is the blanket trauma of “I don’t deserve real love” “I can have true love” etc.

      Truly whatever it is, when we go inside to meet it – pattern or not we can heal it. I’d love you to come into my free workshop – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to experience what Quanta Freedom Healing can do for you.

      I hope this helps give you hope.

      Mel xo

  • annabelhc@gmail.com'
    Belle
    December 19, 2017

    I’ve done and continue to do the work, but I am finding that I am over thinking my new partner. I analyse everything and because of that, I’m misreading him and firing back with all guns blazing.

    It is so hard to find the balance after prior experiences – abusive parents, emotionally abusive partners… It’s like they bestowed this hangover to me, where I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it hasn’t. But part of me expects it to.
    My partner is fantastic and we have an excellent relationship …I need to be confident in him and I need to be confident my choices about him are right …

    Does that come with time? What was your experience Mel?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 19, 2017

      Hi Belle,

      my experience was and still is – doing the deep inner work in my body regarding my relationship, to heal whatever gets triggered that has come up to be healed.

      That work on our traumas is not a head job – it truly is a deep inner reprogramming job.

      Have you considered NARP to heal from the abuse of the past and work on the triggers of the now?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      That is my highest recommendation Belle.

      Mel xo

  • viktoria_777@hotmail.com'
    Cricket
    February 7, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    I wasn’t sure where to post this. Hopefully you still check posts on older articles.

    I have a controversial question. I have been drawn to NPD and sociopath people all my life (especially romantic partners). I’m reeling after yet another hugely devastating breakup from one of them now, along with a slew of health issues and damage to my life. I’m a doctor. I’ve been trained to recognize trauma and the body’s way of internalizing it. I’m also an empath. My question is this…are we, codependent empaths, just as addicted to the NPDs as they are to us? As an empath I’m addicted to the high I get when I’m needed, when I can heal others. I think I’m also addicted to the pain and victimhood unfortunately. I grew up in a family with 2 NPDs so they feel intimately familiar. I recognized that there was something wrong with each NPD ex but it drew me to them instead of repulsing me. Are we not drawn to our opposites like ying and yang? Are we not just as imbalanced as the NPDs, just as addicted to drama? They get their fuel from us, for sure, but I think we get it from them just as much. I think that what I’m experiencing now is akin to severe withdrawal. Because maybe I’m just as imbalanced, with addictions to pain and rescuing others. Maybe the trick is to seek balance and accept our darker side and become more self serving? I have felt like a victim most of my life because I allowed the victimization. I want to take responsibility in my role in these relationships. Thoughts?

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