Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Narcissists Prey On Intelligent People

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 12
60
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Have you ever wondered how you can be capable in so many areas, yet for some reason narcissists are able to hook and deceive you?

Have you ever berated yourself for not being able to see it coming?

If you’re anything like me I used to constantly tell myself “I know this person is tearing me to shreds, I know I need to go … and I’m smart, I know everything about who they are and what they are doing but why can’t I leave?”

The truth is you’re not alone … this is the plight of intelligent people regularly.

I would go as far as to say that intelligent people are those who are the most likely to get taken in and down by narcissists.

In this Thriver TV episode I explain to you exactly WHY that is, as well as how to make the shift so that you can still be intelligent, but will never get taken down by a narcissist again.

And this is really important because I know that so many of you in this community – like me – take pride in being smart. Not only are you intelligent, but you are capable, hard working and may have already done tons of personal development work (which smart people are very apt to do – invest in themselves).

So WHY is it that we are able to be targeted and taken in by narcissists … and even when we know what they are like and what they do, we still can’t get it and get out?

I promise you there are incredibly sane and compelling reasons why this insanity happens to us, and when we learn them, it changes everything about how we can finally break away, stay away and heal and never have to go through this nightmare again.

I dearly hope this episode frees you from the beating of yourself up, grants you a clear understanding of why this has happened to you and gives you the golden key to come home to your True Freedom.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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60 Thoughts on Why Narcissists Prey On Intelligent People
  • Karynchoate@gmail.com'
    Karyn Choate
    December 10, 2017

    Melanie, you are amazing! Thank you for taking time out of your awesome vacation to be a guiding light. XOXOX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 11, 2017

      Hi Karyn,

      thank you Dear Lady and it’s so my pleasure!

      Mel xo

      • oneillrobert50@yahoo.co.uk'
        Robert
        December 12, 2017

        This is what happens to me constantly. Why?

      • Jeannettequakkekaar@gmail.com'
        Jeannette quakkelaar
        September 4, 2018

        Thank you so much…. finally he discarted me…and i am so happy to be saved by my true intentions..omg i wasn’t aware of this kind of men…. and he denies it in all tones!
        But i am saved… hallelujah http://www.jjqart.nl

  • cryingmondays@gmail.com'
    Researcher
    December 10, 2017

    In my opinion, the messages in this video, are absolutely spot on.

    Thank you for this video.

  • fwstrongiv@yahoo.com'
    Eric
    December 10, 2017

    Thank you so much, Melanie. The Narc had me so turned around, blaming myself for everything, that when I saw undeniable evidence of her cheating, I gaslit MYSELF into denying the obvious truth. Countless times I convinced myself, while she allowed and encouraged it, that I was so neurotic and anxious that I was imagining things or seeing things that weren’t there. What still boggles my mind and I find so hard to accept, is that she encouraged me to twist my sanity into unbelievably painful knots, all the while claiming victim status and loving me. I feel ashamed and weak for allowing that to happen to me. But I know also that unconscious programming is what was compelling me to stay in that situation, and healing that programming will set me free and prevent a repeat. Thanks for everything!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 11, 2017

      Hi Eric,

      It’s my pleasure 🙂

      We are so capable of doing that! That is so wonderful that you know that it is the unconscious program and once up-levelled … NO more!

      Mel xo

  • My_bba@yahoo.com'
    Hélène
    December 10, 2017

    Intelligent ppl think they can get out of things by thinking. I rarely do things based on my feelings.
    Well i used to not.
    Now its all about my feelings. My brain gets little use anymore HA

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 11, 2017

      Hi Helene,

      That’s SO great it is!

      Bless You 🙂

      Mel xo

    • Ian.griffith@hotmail.com'
      Ian Griffith
      December 18, 2017

      I use narcissism as a framework,, an early warning detector to avoid the pitfalls of self doubt and recently as a no fly zone to recapture a lot of my self lost in battle. I no longer walk on eggshells which are actually land mines

  • My_bba@yahoo.com'
    Hélène
    December 10, 2017

    Watching this, I got a revelation. My dad. Holy crowley!
    I am smart I am capable, thus I better not trust my intellect 😏

  • jjwcem@ix.netcom.com'
    Eve
    December 10, 2017

    Melanie,
    Thank you for each and every video that you make and share. I look forward to them so much because it truly makes me feel like the hell that I’m living right now will one day disappear by figuring out how to heal my inner wounds. Thanks so much for giving me hope!

  • jennysherrell@gmail.com'
    Jenny
    December 10, 2017

    Fantastic video – I’ve finally separated but when I listen to these videos I still think – Gosh that happened to me! Do you mean to say when my husband continually looked at other women in front of me; and I felt humiliated – I wasn’t over-reacting? That this was a sign of mistreatment? My constant confusion about what was right and what was wrong was sending me all the way to the asylum. Thank God for Melanie Evans – if it hadn’t been for her information, that’s probably where I’d be right now.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 11, 2017

      Hi Jenny,

      No you were NOT overreacting!!

      I am so happy you are gaining clarity.

      Mel xo

    • Gardenwithgrammie@gmail.com'
      Mary
      December 11, 2017

      My husband did the same thing to me. He knows how to charm women too. He would look right at their breasts. It was gross. Now he’s in his sixties and it’s not going so well for him because he’s ugly and overweight. He plays the victim well. I didn’t want to be refered to as the wife with the dirty old man husband. He hit me for the last time two years ago. We went to court the first time the other day and he said, “I’m not dating. I just sit by myself with no cuddles”. He gaslighted me at court and will be better prepared next time. He told me I was stupid our entire marriage. I took an IQ test. My IQ is very high.

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    Ocean Breeze
    December 10, 2017

    Every video you make Melanie, seems to come at the most perfect time in my life. I was just asking this question last week at the same time doing quantum healing work. Good things are happening….I managed to escape from a possible narc related disaster………without your help the pattern would have been repeated!!!! You saved me…But Narcs are very good and still are a potential problem out there

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 11, 2017

      Hi Ocean Breeze,

      that is wonderful that we are in synch!

      The fact they are out there is wonderful motivation for all of us to become our most authentic self. Then there is no problem, we will back and be ourselves.

      Keep healing, you are so on your way 🙂

      Mel xo

  • success@simonejeavons.com.au'
    Simone
    December 10, 2017

    Best video yet! Right on the mark. Thanks Melanie!

  • Ditadelempicka@gmail.com'
    Dita
    December 10, 2017

    Hi Melanie
    Timings as always perfect! I was only yesterday having a small relapse (re narc, festive season activated) this video appeared in my inbox right at the right moment! Universal intervention keeping me safe as with your amazing videos I am healing so well!
    I won’t be venturing back to wrong town anytime soon. This video was great, it bothered me why I was ‘hit’ twice a d now I understand, I’m sticking with me and my gut!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 11, 2017

      Hi Dira,

      I am very pleased this was timely for you. That’s great that you are determined to self-partner.

      Wishing you many blessings.

      Mel xo

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Hannah
    December 10, 2017

    Another classic Melanie and so helpful.
    Thank you, thank you

  • Marciasevans72@gmail.com'
    Simone
    December 10, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    As always another fantastic video and plenty of laughs for me as I watched it remembering back to myself making all of the excuses you described :-).

    I have been pondering quantum law lately, “so within so without”, tell me something , if we got what we were being to ourselves why did the Narcissist get us? If Narcissists donot love themselves, deeply despise themselves etc why did they get us who deeply loved them, cared for them, gave them so much of ourselves. How is that so within so without for the narcissist?

    Looking forward to understanding this better.

    Thankyou
    Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 11, 2017

      Hi Simone,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you!

      Simone this is the deeper truth that will answer this question for you – and it can be a hard pill to swallow. It was for me initially until I healed my young wounds and then realised EXACTLY how true this was.

      We didn’t love them for real. We thought we did, but we didn’t. The ‘love’ was the needy unhealed child within us wanting to finish unfinished emotional business from our past. Our connection to “loving” them was through our wounds. When these wounds are released and replaced (Quanta Freedom Healing in NARP) there is no feeling of “my god I was so in love with him /her.” Rather it is this – “my neediness, emptiness, feelings of obsession and enmeshment and high levels of tolerance to unimaginable behaviour was because of my wounds.”

      The union between Narc and co-dep is wounds – that is the glue. It’s not genuine, whole, mature love.

      Also, the “love’ we granted was not developmentally healthy for the narcissist – it enabled them – it fed them their drug “narcissistic supply”. We were the same as a heroin dealer to a drug-addict supplying them with what self-medicates them and keeps them separated from “self”.

      Real love to another ALWAYS starts with self-love. By loving ourselves and saying NO we grant the highest level of REAL love possible to any abuser – the opportunity in their life to no longer be enabled, and to self-reflect, change and come home to loving themselves – regardless of whether or not we get a feed from their energy. “I’m not leaving and I am starting to ‘love’ you because I need you” is not love.

      Does that raw truth explain?

      Mel xo

      • Marciasevans72@gmail.com'
        Simone
        December 11, 2017

        Many thanks Mel, yes makes sense. Deeply subconscious behavior playing out there then. Grateful for your work, without which the narcissistic experience would never have resulted in becoming conscious of this.
        Many thanks again,
        Simone

      • Mymou62@gmail.com'
        Meredith
        December 24, 2017

        Beautifully said, a clear truth…

        Thank you!

      • mlang4171@gmail.com'
        Monica Grant
        January 3, 2018

        Melanie,
        You really did hard work. To be a leader to become consciously aware that it wasn’t really love as it wasn’t complete, whole and mature love. Wow, thank you for sharing with others.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          January 4, 2018

          Hi Monica,

          thank you! I am so pleased thos resonated and please know you are very welcome 🙂

          Mel xo

  • janehenderson1@hotmail.com'
    Jane henderson
    December 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie – another amazingly apt video . Thankyou so much for the wake up support & guidance your generous work offers it has been invaluable to me many times over. I have recommended your work to others too.
    A few years ago now I was shattered ( like after a car crash )after a narcissistic ‘love ‘ relationship discard etc etc I took ages to get well but your work really helped. I also had access to energetic healing similar to your quantum healing.
    During this shattered time I fell hook line & sinker I fell into an intense ( non sexual) friendship with a woman . Once again it turned out I was co dependent & she narcissistic. Whoa! This time when she discarded I knew what was going on and just walked away unwounded & feel just neutral
    . My problem is now (& why I am writing & giving you a bit of history) I have a newish relationship with a man who is not a narcissist. He is older but has two young children with a narcissistic younger woman . He now recognises her narcissism . He is divorced from her since 4-5 years. He has to have some contact because of shared child care. Her contact to him & via the children has been abusive, manipulative, triangulating, hoovering , smearing etc etc. Her contact is intrusive to my partner & my relationship which I value & which is nourishing for us both.
    I felt so clear of narcissists and clear of the wounds that attracted them . But somehow I seem to be fighting battles via my partner with this one. It’s destructive. I resent this intrusion. I feel so angry about her… I feel I have to rescue him from her …Do you have any advice?
    ( apologies for long message – just thought your needed the back story) so many grateful thanks to you & your team . J

  • ayameyana@gmail.com'
    Esther
    December 11, 2017

    Thank you for this episode, Melanie! I am always happy and grateful to watch your tv. Afer a month I am still obsessing over my N- ex, but a few days ago instead of looking at his photos I googled for your website. It’s really a small improvement, since even my N-ex former ex appeared in my dreams last night. I feel I have totally no control over my life, and being intelligent surely isn’t enough to excuse or even deal with this matter. You are so right that being intelligent or smart and even clever doesn’t help with staying away or get out of a N relationship. I also was aware of his every move, even predicted his next move. But I could never outsmart him, of course not. I was so focused on him and his next move, that I totally forgot about my own wellbeing. I am doing the NARP program for atleast once a week since 3 weeks now. I’ve been interested these past days in this psychic connection with my N-ex, because I wish for it to dissapear. I hope by doing the NARP program it will dissapear. I am a bit confused why his former ex appeared in my dream so vividly. I feel I have to desperately protect my boundaries and I suspect that it helps if I start developing other parts of me. Not focusing on intellect anymore.

    Have a wonderful vacation!

  • smithbrenda722@gmail.com'
    Brenda Smith
    December 11, 2017

    Mel,
    Please also consider that the contemporary Christian Church in the United States preaches hard on and often in regards to feelings being “unreliable”.
    “Hold fast to the word of God” above everything and all with SPECIAL emphasis on blunting out or down FEELINGS.

  • Tburningham20@googlemail.com'
    Tracey
    December 11, 2017

    Spot on melanie! My intelligence kept me ‘safe’ but cut off from my feelings due to emotional abuse by mother from an infant of about 2yrs old. I was always observing and not reacting my whole life. A bit like ‘grey rock’. But of course this is not a long term solution because as an adult I am not hostage in the same way. When my recent narcissistic ex bf would ‘blurt’ oddities out of the blue …those wtf moments, I chalked them up but did not react. Sleepwalking into wrong town! Fortunately, as I felt my inner energy which had been fantastic suddenly drain out after just a few weeks, I knew I had to get out and stay out. I even journalled my gut feelings that were on high alert, but felt compelled to stay until the hot plate got really hot! Your videos have been a fantastic resource on my healing journey xx

  • rebecca1975@alphafrau.de'
    Rebecca - Recovery From A Bad Childhood
    December 11, 2017

    I never thought about this, but makes total sense. A smart person has a lot to offer to the narc and at the same time does not listen to their intuition. The perfect victim, indeed.

  • j-locke@outlook.com'
    Jemma
    December 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    This is my first time posting but I’ve been watching ALL of your videos the past few weeks (actually discovered them over a year ago an they resonated but I pulled away for some reason, maybe I wasn’t ready to hear it yet).

    This resonates a lot for me. I’ve always been told I’m highly intelligent and my brain is always firing and trying to work things out which can be helpful in some situations but not helping my constant anxiety, depression and second-guessing of all my life decisions. I am extremely codependent and have been working with a psychotherapist for the past few years (seen many before that but none helped as much as this one but still I am getting to the point that continuous talk is not helping). I am a 31 year old woman from the UK who is still living with my mother (and stepdad and sister) who I have come to realize is narcissistic and this has impacted my sense of self (or rather lack of connection to self) throughout my life. It was my current therapist who made me realize that I suffer from Complex PTSD and am definitely stuck in a child-like state emotionally even though my intelligent brain has over-compensated for that. My therapist has been trying to get me to get more into my body and out of my head for years and this summer (after losing my office job due to “lack of confidence”) I took her course on Autogenic Therapy (which she learned in Australia) which is a form of self-hypnosis/meditation. I totally understand why she wanted me to do it but have come to realize my inability to really get deep into relaxation and subconscious FEELINGS instead of thoughts is definitely due to trauma. I watched others in the group have miraculous breakthroughs which this form of therapy because I believe they managed to release some traumas on an emotional level but sadly I did not. Your work gives me hope that I can do this but I have so many ego blocks. I have taken your free webinar and know I could join the NARP program with no risk but at the moment I can’t even seem to let myself do that. I know, with how I feel right now, I’d get the program and then find excuses not to start it even though I am out of work and stuck at home in an abusive situation. I’m sorry this is a long comment, I’m trying not to tell my whole life story but there is so much I want to say. I did actually purchase an online program (along with a support group like the NARP forums) from a life coach who specializes in narc abuse and childhood programming which does include quantum healing ideas but only got halfway through and cannot seem to continue. I know this comes from the deep core beliefs of not feeling I deserve to heal/my wonderfully protective brain still not wanting to move toward my traumas but sadly this is what stops me joining the NARP program at this time. As much as I want another support group for my troubles my whole life has become re-telling and focusing on my trauma or talking to people about releasing it but not actually being able to. I hope one day to be so far past this I don’t feel so enmeshed and don’t even want to youtube for videos on narc abuse because it’s not part of my reality. The idea of being able to release these traumas physically and not have to work so damn hard on re-programming the way I think about myself and being triggered by everything just seems too good to be true but I KNOW it makes sense. I KNOW that how I feel about myself is reflected in my reality but no matter how much I try to meditate or not over-analyse I can’t seem to shift anything. I just feel more and more like a child and more and more cognitive dissonance due to stuffing my feelings after an argument because I have to go to an event and try to feel happy. Or the cognitive dissonance of feeling codependent on my family in the way that a child does but knowing I am an adult who should be out living her own life.

    Anyway, this is getting long and disjointed and not on-topic but I’ve wanted to comment directly to tell you how grateful I am for your work (I’ve been sharing your videos with my therapist as it’s along the lines of what she tries to do with me but I still do not feel she knows just how much narc abuse from a parent can destroy your ability to trust and love yourself. I had to educate her on what gaslighting means). My physical health is failing; CFS and other inherited conditions that I am sure come from stress and epigenetic trauma-My mother has been through a lot in her life and I empathize with her without having empathy for myself. Hurt people, hurt people.

    Back on topic, I actually ended a relationship last year with someone who was not narcissistic but I knew wasn’t right for me in many ways but we still are close and even now I still wake up every day wondering if I made the right decision. The intelligent part of my brain showed me the red flags before we got together (we have been friends for years and now still are) but I still got into the relationship thinking I needed to give her a chance (same-sex relationship) as there had always been something there between us but we always had partners when the other was single. I can’t seem to let go of this relationship and if anything my therapist has been trying to get me to FEEL and not think when I tell her all of the red-flags and reasons I ended it and while she may be right there I do feel that she is trying to get me to receive love and change my mind.. without really understanding that just because I can’t let go doesn’t mean I am meant to be with this woman, it may be my codependency. I don’t know if I miss her or just the fact I used to visit her every weekend but whenever someone mentioned us moving in or getting married I felt a knot in my stomach. I could have moved in with her to get out of my situation at home and still have someone to depend on (I really don’t feel strong enough to live alone and housemates don’t get my depression-uni experience). I know that I need to work on myself but the codependent in me just doesn’t want to let go even when my intelligent brain is throwing up all the negatives. It comes back to that ‘what is judgement and what is discernment’ thing. My ex is very different to me (doesn’t like to clean, doesn’t care how she looks and is terrible with money) and I know trusted people in my life felt I deserved better and to a point so did I, but was I being discerning or judging? Rhetorical question.

    I have watched some of your Shifts Happen videos and resonate so deeply with everyone’s core beliefs. I cried at every one (I am very emotional and cry most days at something or other) but have to admit to finding it so hard to see or feel angels or higher beings. I am terrible at visualizations) even though I had a huge imagination as a child) and as much as I can be spiritual I find it hard to believe in and thus really see and FEEL higher beings of beams of light. I feel like this will forever hold me back from healing in this way but I really wish that weren’t the case.

    Apologies for the long and rambling comment. I will continue to watch your videos and maybe comment on the blog more and maybe one day I’ll feel I can do the NARP program and actually use it instead of denying myself but I don’t seem to be there yet. I just want to be able to feel like a confident and secure adult who can stop living like a child under an over-protective and smothering mother and can have relationships I am sure about because I truly feel love. But I know I need to feel that love for myself.

    Thanks for listening.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 11, 2017

      Hi Jemma,

      You are very welcome, it is a pleasure to listen and thank you for sharing so openly and honestly here. I am sure you have voiced what many people feel.

      I totally believe that it can be impossible to get into our bodies when we have too much trauma in there. It is like trying to take up residence in a war-zone. I certainly never could enter and stay in my body until the trauma started to be released.

      Jemma, other than manning (or womaning up) and doing it – there really is no other solution to healing ourselves, and sometimes, maybe, we just haven’t had enough of the pain yet – many of us did it when there was absolutely no other option left, and we realised giving up meant we’d only have to come back and have to do the whole thing all over again. We realised “there is nothing else to do.”

      The other option I will suggest to you is finding a bodyworker who you believe can help you release traumas energetically – such as EFT, Body Code, Kinesiology. This won’t have the sequence of NARP worked out – but can possibly help you release the blocks stopping you from self-committing, so that you can.

      Also, I do specialised private QFH sessions, albeit much more expensive than NARP.

      I hope some of this helps.

      I am holding the space for you to go inwards and rescue your True Self out from underneath the trauma from where she is currently stuck.

      Mel xo

    • caseyann.seeger@gmail.com'
      Casey
      January 1, 2018

      As I was reading your post, I felt like you were writing about my life. I feel exactly the same way in regards to intellectually knowing what I need to do in order to fully heal myself, but I just can’t seem to take the action and do it. I feel I would do the the same thing if I ordered the NARP program, I would come up with an excuse for not doing it. I too struggle with anxiety and depression and also recently lost my office job. I know I should be taking this time to really focus on healing my inner being from past childhood wounds, which I believe are due to the fact that my father passed away from cancer when i was five, but I will start something and not finish it or feel like other people are able to meditate and heal their childhood wound, but I can’t. I feel like my brain over thinks and overanalyzes everything to the point that I’m not able to fully relax and heal my deeper issues.

      I was a daddy’s girl and have always been searching for that “fatherly love” I didn’t get growing up, in my relationships, which is the one thing i don’t receive. I am treated with disrespect, cheated on, lied to, emotionally and physically abused, but continue to stay and put up with those insidious behaviors believing that I can be the one to change them, I can be the one to get them to wake up and see the errors of their ways, but also knowing that I don’t have the power to change them, but I exhaust all efforts to get them to love me. I get so angry with myself for knowing they aren’t treating me right but not having the backbone, confidence, self-esteem or self -worth to set a boundary and stick to it. To not be afraid of being abandoned by someone who really does not deserve a minute of my time. I want to be rid of these thoughts so badly as well but same as you, I don’t know why I just can’t seem to take that next step. I have been through two counselors and with the first one, I too had to explain to her what gaslighting was. The second one was much better and I shared some of Melanie’s articles with her , which she encouraged me to complete the NARP program but I didn’t feel she fully understood how damaging narcissistic abuse can be to a codependent like myself.

      Your post really resonated with me and couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. I am currently trying to find the strength to finally rid myself of my emotionally abusive narc boyfriend of six years. So many times, I have wanted to have the courage to tell him to take a hike but I can’t seem to bring myself to actually say the words. I then get so angry at myself for accepting this kind of treatment from someone else and also enabling them to continue doing it because there are no boundaries or consequences.
      We do have a four year old daughter together which means I will have to have some contact with him. He is very immature and uses her as a pawn to get a reaction out of me and to hurt me. Which, is another reason why I so badly want to heal myself and rid my life of him for good. I don’t want my daughter to think it’s okay for a man to treat her the way she has seem her father treat me. I want her to have enough self worth and value herself enough to not accept that kind of treatment from anyone. The longer she is subjected to the relationship that is being modeled for her, will only gurantee that she will end up in exactly the same abusive relationship because that’s all she knows and she thinks that’s normal.

      I am so hopeful that we will both be able to take that step to finally heal our inner wounds. Again, your post couldn’t have come at a better time and reassured me that I’m not crazy and I’m not alone in my struggles with this. It really helps knowing there are others going through the exact same thing and that healing is possible. I wish you the best of luck in your journey towards healing!

      • j-locke@outlook.com'
        Jemma
        February 21, 2018

        Hi Casey,

        I’m not sure if Mel’s blog will email you if you get a reply and it’s months later now from my original comment (only just replied to Mel above) but I just wanted to say I appreciate your comment and echo your feelings on now being alone in this.

        *big hugs* We’ll get there. We have to.

        Love
        Jemma

  • tegansarmour@gmail.com'
    Tegz
    December 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for providing hope that there is an end to all these feelings after narcissistic abuse. Our relationship ended when I mirrored his abuse after months of constantly being blamed for cheating but it was he who was doing it. I ended up being thrown into a wall. I stupidly went back to the relationship for 1 night. He is currently facing 5 charges for that incident. I had our son a few days later. These charges make 11 for the entirety of our relationship. I was so torn between my head and my heart throughout the whole thing. I am still in ove the person I thought he could be. I receive counselling and see a psychologist and it isn’t enough. I can’t stop watching your videos. They give me hope during the darker days. I knew he was a ‘player/womaniser’ when we started dating. He swore I was different, that our relationship was different and professed his love. His actions were always another story. I laughed when you explained how we try and rationalise and be smart about our gut instincts. I did this, and, justified this to friends and family. Even friends who informed me he had a history of being violent. I know the only way is forward from this, but it’s not an easy mountain to climb up.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 13, 2017

      Hi Tegz,

      you are very welcome and my heart goes out to you.

      Please know my transformational inner tools take healing to whole other level than just the informational stuff you have been reading and watching.

      Have you come into my free workshop yet? It truly will give you a shift and relief and so much more healing. You can join in here: http://www.melanietoniaevan.com/freewebinar and I can’t recommend that enough for you Tegz.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • adela.surferette@gmail.com'
    Adela
    December 12, 2017

    Wow! What a good explanation, and how true it is! It’s a definitely great way to recognize and stay on the right path. I do remember instances when I didn’t honour my inner feeling and body sensations and ended up worse off. Even worse, I kept consistently and forcefully pushing deep down inside yucky feeling warning me “Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it…” and I still intellectually made excuses to do ultimately the wrong thing for me. This is a clear and simple to understand guidance I can definitely use going forward. Thank you Tonia! <3

  • jablight@live.com'
    Jessie
    December 12, 2017

    Dear Melanie,
    Firstly, thank you for everything you have said here and for all the work that you do!
    I have been using your program amongst other self healing techniques for a while now and can say I have healed tremendously in many aspects and have been in a healthy and happy relationship for over 2 years now I am truly grateful for.

    I understand that this work is about ME but I still have had quite a few dreams of the sociopath and a few lingering questions I just can not seem to reconcile. I am wondering if maybe you can help answer this question or at least help me understand why it continues to stick out in my mind.

    The sociopath and I had been friends as early teens and throughout my late teens and early 20s. He had made attempts to reach out to me which I had declined but eventually accepted. I had seen him a few times over a span of 7 years with little interest until finally I began to want a relationship with him. During the time we were together I had gone through all of the typical things that come along with this type of relationship which I know I don’t have to mention.

    But after a few months in it something particular happened that to this day I do not understand. One day we were getting in the car to go somewhere and the sociopath stopped and he looked at me and said out of the blue “Do you know Dexter?” At the time I had never seen the show truthfully and I did not know anything about Dexter. He said to me “I’m like him. I’m like Dexter.” Not knowing the show I asked him, “Ok. can you explain what you mean” at this point he seemed to get uncomfortable and he said “Well he isn’t bad he’s a killer but he only kills bad people” At that point I had dismissed the whole thing because I just thought, okay he doesn’t like the bad that’s being done in the world by people neither do I-we have that in common. And we didn’t speak about it again.

    Eventually when I had found out who he really was I had been so shocked that he had tried to tell me. But I had missed it completely. I had known him for almost 10 years and he spent all of that time concealing it and hiding it but then one day he just tells me?? Melanie, I have tried to figure out why a sociopath would out themselves to someone like me or anyone at all but I haven’t heard anything about this except for maybe from sociopath to sociopath.

    I understand that part of me feels stupid for just dismissing not only a warning sign but a bold faced confession…and that probably what all of my anxiety is about with this question but I truly would still like your opinion or to ask you if this more common than I am thinking. Maybe make a video or discuss this topic because there is little information out there about this.

    Thank you so much for your time and all of the beauty you bring to the world!
    Much Love,
    Jessie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 13, 2017

      Hi Jessie,

      you are very welcome and I am so happy you have come so far!

      Jessie, I am happy to answer that for you – sociopaths love dropping “calling cards” – they like being edgy, notorious and “different”. Anything to creates a reaction, uneasiness or attention or that which gets someone’s heal ticking (as yours is now) is narcissistic supply.

      Both N”s in my life made comments like this – absolutely. Please know it is common, and as always if you have confusion and something stuck in your claw – take it to NARP Modules and load up and shift the dense energy related to it from your body and then it simply won’t be a thing
      anymore.

      Sending love and blessings and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Vannareisman@yahoo.com'
    Angela
    December 12, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    Thank you so much for your insight! It’s been 3 years out of the relationship and I still feel tormented by the Narc! He is involved with so many women hurting them and spreading diseases I just want to reach out to them but I know it’s not my job to do his bidding so I lay silent hoping no one gets hurt. Sometimes I feel like the no contact idea is giving him what he wants which is that he defeated me! It’s so hard to see these women suffer but maybe they aren’t maybe they are stronger than I was, I have a beautiful life now I just can’t seem to shake off these feeling, with love, Angela!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 13, 2017

      Hi Angela,

      you are very welcome.

      Ok … as you so must be feeling 3 years is long enough to be in this pain, no one deserves that! So … if you have had enough of feeling that pain Angela, please come into my free workshop: http://www.melanietoniaevan.com/freewebinar where you will learn what is really taking place within you and how to be released from it.

      It SO doesn’t have to be like this.

      Mel xo

  • shelleyspeaksloudly@icloud.com'
    Shelley
    December 13, 2017

    Dear Melanie,
    I left my narcissistic abuser on September 6, 2017. I finally reached my maximum capacity for lies, cheating and deceit. My heart aches daily and I am terribly depressed. A large part of this residual pain comes from the fact that I discovered he has been cheating with a person who professed her friendship to me. My ex and I met at work. This woman came to work there a few years later and they’ve been “together” ever since. I suspected but just couldn’t bring myself to leave until I had “proof”. I finally decided the only “proof” I needed, I had. I don’t need a picture or a confession because I know from other things I caught him doing.

    We are professionals and he is required to be licensed. He has always been her supervisor and was promoted to be everyone elses’s supervisor 3 years ago. He is not my supervisor, to clarify. It is unethical and clearly stated in the code of ethics he is supposed to adhere to that a relationship with someone he supervises is prohibited. He could lose his license or be suspended and should be! I tried to report but no one will listen because I’m his ex. My supervisor and his (same person) told me he does not believe me because I have no proof and has told as much to the director of the agency. He said he will not support me should I report my ex to the ethics board, so I have not. My own family would not believe me when I finally started telling people about what was occurring. It has been a nightmare every night for 9 years-took him a year to become openly cruel.

    The way this man treated me has left me feeling a shell of my former self. Gaslighting is his favorite “tool”. He would lay in our bed at night texting her and when I called him on his behavior, he said, “I don’t know what you think you saw. I NEVER did that! I’ve NEVER cheated on you. You’re crazy! I cannot believe you could ever think those things about me!” I questioned myself then and sometimes now. Wondering if he’s right. The psychological abuse was without boundary. I have blamed myself because I, too, pride myself on being smart. People who do believe me have made comments about not understanding how someone as smart as I could allow myself to become involved with him. 10 years of my life I feel was wasted on him and our relationship.

    I have cancer and when diagnosed the abuse and the affair escalated. Our supervisor told me he understands that people going through cancer treatments, and other serious illness, sometimes get emotional etc., (I’m sure you can imagine), and that’s why I believe my husband is having an affair when he isn’t. I stopped speaking to my “friend” and my supervisor (he is the program manager and he could do things to me that could result in reprimand to termination) I speak to none of them only when required. My ex has been punishing me for weeks with the silent treatment even on a professional level.

    I filed a police report because my ex and that woman have stolen from me- childhood heirlooms to diamond jewelry but because we are married, the police officer informed me that my things belong to him as well, so it’s not stealing. It just goes on and on and on…

    My question is this: How do I co-exists in the workplace? It’s driving me crazy! I have to stay for about 6 more months due to health insurance issues. I need continued cancer treatment that I cannot otherwise afford. This man is ill! He has been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. I have to get through this but live in fear. I’ve been out on medical leave (full bi-lateral mastectomy) and am scared to death of going back to work. Two more weeks. I was refusing to go to staff meetings before I left on medical leave but I know that feeds them both. What do I do? Help!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2017

      Hi Shelley,

      please, please know the feelings that you are having after narcissistic abuse is such a part of it, and I feel for you so much – because it is in your face and awful – but please know here we have Quantum ways of healing those inner traumas so that we get released from it. That is what the Thriver Way to heal is all about. I’d love you to come into my free workshop http://www.melanietoniaveans.com/freewebinar so that a) you start to deeply understand why the emotional pain (which of course is SO understandable) is so terrible and b) so that you know how to release it, get stronger and also get well from this.

      My heart goes out to you with the cancer condition and everything else you are dealing with.

      Please come into this free event I know it is a way through this for you.

      Sending love, strength and healing to you.

      Mel xo

  • Charaln71@gmail.com'
    Nina
    December 14, 2017

    Dear Mel

    Thank you for this video . Makes perfect sense. I would describe myself as intelligent, capable, a fixer and an empath. Disrructive combination.

    I am healing on the inside. I know this is working because I can now say “no” to people without feeling guilty.

    Spirituality is a must to self healing and feeling worthy and valuable as a person.

    It takes a lot of practice to connect with our inner person, to heal old wounds and grow as a strong person that doesn’t allow others to walk all over.

    Thanks Mel

    Nina xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2017

      Hi Nina,

      you are very welcome and I am so pleased this makes sense to you!

      Mel xo

  • bola.odulate@gmail.com'
    Rania
    December 23, 2017

    Dear, dear, Melanie,

    Ohhh… This explains so much. As a child, I almost felt bad for getting such good results at school. I never did my homework, I was too busy coping with what I now understand where two narcissistic parents. And I had a knack for feeling what was really going on even when it was the opposite of what somebody was saying. It was what I knew. I didn’t realize how unusual this was at the time.

    Fast forward to growing up, I came down with an unusually severe, paralyzing case of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. One of the things I did in my determination to recover was listen to some interviews of former CFS patients who were now healthy. I noticed a pattern in these interviews: they were often faced with a difficult decision about an intimate relationship in their lives, then they would separate or divorce and then their recovery would be straightforward.

    I felt that this corresponded to my relationship with my parents’ entire extended families. I thought, how do you divorce that? Does anybody know?

    It’s taken another few years to discover NARP and to realize that this difficult dynamic I have been dealing with is narcissism. I have been applying NARP to what I call the “cloud of narcissists” in my life and the results have been difficult but great. Now I find out from this video that my empathic nature plus my intelligence made more susceptible. No wonder I got so sick!

    By the way, I think I’ve seen you mention somewhere that narcissists don’t get together with other narcissists. Have you ever considered the possibility of an NPD and BPD combination? Could that be a special case of narcissists getting together? I would love to know your take on this.

    Thank you so, so much for your work. <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 23, 2017

      Hi Rania,

      I am so pleased you have been getting breakthroughs and progress with NARP.

      In regard to when narcissists are family members, this may help: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-if-the-narcissist-is-a-family-member/

      Yes, absolutely I do agree that NPD and BPD people can get together and I will definitely put that on the list.

      You are so welcome Rania, and wishing you many blessings.

      Mel xo

      • bola.odulate@gmail.com'
        Rania
        January 7, 2018

        Hi again Melanie,

        Just wanted to follow up and let you know that I found the link you gave me so helpful. Although I did have to take it slowly and read it a little bit at a time. In fact I laughed out loud when I got to the line where you wrote:

        “I hope this has not triggered you too much – and the reason I included these details is so that you do understand I know of the gravity and damage that occurs when having been abused by a narcissistic parent or family member.”

        That’s exactly why I was having to pace myself! But I read it all including the comments. All very helpful.

        Sending you gratitude. Many seeds of joy are showing up. And the work continues…

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          January 7, 2018

          Hi Rania,

          thank you for letting me know – and I am so pleased you have done this and that it helped.

          I love that you are on your way 🙂

          Mel xo

  • rachelroserose@aol.com'
    Rachel rose
    February 28, 2018

    Having NO CONTACT with people that are character disorders is very empowering. It truly works 100 percent of the time. The memory fades over time. It’s fail proof gove it a chance

    • deborah_crockett@ymail.com'
      Deb
      April 23, 2018

      I had no contact with my narc partner of three years after the first time he punched me in the face, smiling. I never ever thought he would touch me, I was used to the gaslighting and mind games. In his frustration he stalked me, sent flowers, sent threats, tried to lose me my job. So I finally showed the photos of my bruises to the police and took him to court. His lawyer tried to make me seem the wrong one, to discredit me. But he was charged and that was two years ago. I’m in a very happy normal relationship now, but I’m plagued with flashbacks and regrets at putting up with his ego and believing his lies, for over three years. No contact literally is the only way. He even tried to get me back after the criminal sentencing. And him an ex police detective.. he didn’t want me, he just wanted to feed off my love, intelligence, kindness and energy.

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