Melanie Tonia Evans

Financial Abuse – Rebuilding Your Life After Narcissism

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
46
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Sadly, narcissistic abuse doesn’t only come with psychological, emotional and spiritual torment. One of the most devastating things is the almost inevitable financial abuse. 

Financial abuse is one of the most widespread devastations in this community – so many people are stripped of the resources they have worked hard all their life for.

If you are going through it right now, please know you are certainly not alone.

Today’s Thriver TV episode is all about how why we fall into financial dependencies and traps with narcissists – and how you can heal from this, let go of the shame and restart your life, regardless of your age or current situation.


Maybe you are stuck in a relationship with a narcissist where you are financially abused and dependent, where the narcissist controls, withholds and abuses you with money. Or perhaps you are with an altruistic narcissist who generously grants you money but is making you feel like you are totally reliant on their money – and of course uses finances to punish, guilt and control you.

And maybe, whichever the case, you don’t have your own source of income. Possibly your health has now suffered so much from the abuse that you feel like you can’t generate any income. Perhaps you have always raised your children or you gave up your career to support the narcissist.

I can’t tell you how many people contact MTE every day who are in these situations with narcissistic people. Some of them realise what they need to do, and many more ask “What can I do Melanie, my situation is hopeless?”

And this is why, today, in this Thriver TV episode, I want to deeply investigate the ways we get hooked into financial abuse with narcissists and also how our beliefs and traumas about money and finances could be unconsciously keeping us stuck.

Most of all I hope, no matter how hopeless it all seems for you, that you find the strength, healing solutions and support that this incredible Community can offer you, to change your life – including the ability to create your own security and be free of terrible dependencies – beyond description.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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46 Thoughts on Financial Abuse – Rebuilding Your Life After Narcissism
  • premi@livingwisdom.org'
    Premi
    December 4, 2017

    It is so apparent that Melanie Tonia Evans has such a big heart and compassion. Thank you for the wonderful, free pep talks! <3 <3 <3 I love to share them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Premi,

      thank you, that is so sweet of you!

      It is absolutely my pleasure.

      Mel xo

      • horsheoe@aol.com'
        Nicola
        April 28, 2018

        Thanks so much for this. I had to pay my ex $20,000 to keep the house and he left me with a ton of bills. I was scared to fight in court. He put my brakes on backwards. I thought I was going crazy being a single parent of 4girls. I had no support,just the opposite. People turned against me. I had another relationship with a narc. Since then,unable to have a relationship. This is helping to heal. My children support their Dad,he plays victim. We are all doing much better but this has really helped.

  • theresa458@yahoo.com'
    Theresa
    December 4, 2017

    This is so helpful and so true. My Narc thought all the money we earned was his no matter who earned it. We were both professional and earned a decent salary. He cannot tell me what he has done with any of the money I contributed to our financial accounts. Fortunately for me, I discovered what he was doing and took legal action to stop it before he fully bankrupted us. Thanks Mel for all you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Theresa,

      I am so glad this was helpful. That is great that you intervened and stood up for your rights.

      You are very welcome Daer Lady 🙂

      Mel xo

  • pedalstheclown@comcast.net'
    Deloris Budde
    December 4, 2017

    I saved up a very nest egg for my retirement and then things were bought and he did not try for loans but expected me to pay for everything with the guilt if it does not happen. No home, no car, no storage area, no garage for autos or tools. I fell for it all and waiting on lawyer to try to recover what I can. I feel so used and so little for being taken in by him. I am so anger. I just want to lash out and make him feel as bad as I do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Deloris,

      my heart goes out to you, it is horrible when we feel these terrible feelings regarding the injustice.

      I’d love you to connect to my free resources to start understanding and receiving relief from this. The first step is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Much Love xo <3

  • Opalshine1199@yahoo.com'
    Goldie
    December 4, 2017

    Thank you! I’ve been on my own and free for 3 years after nearly 4 1/2 years living with a manipulative leech. I’m still paying off the credit card but I am getting there. I have learned so much and will no longer let myself “ takecare” of anymore “ poor misunderstood “ nice talking men. It was my old care taking belief pattern that I now feel free of. Yes I’ve used NARP and lots of other techniques to get closer to healed. I have to forgive myself that it’s taking so long.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Goldie,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased you are working with NARP to heal.

      Wishing you incredible healing and breakthrough.

      Mel xo

  • cryingmondays@gmail.com'
    Prefer to remain anonymous at this time
    December 4, 2017

    Very helpful and interesting video message, especially shortly before Christmas. Thank you.

  • cryingmondays@gmail.com'
    Prefer to remain anonymous at this time
    December 4, 2017

    Btw – amusing to see that ‘Tiggy’ the cat, decided to join the audience and listen to some of this talk 🙂

  • devorahariella@icloud.com'
    Devorah Ariella riga
    December 4, 2017

    Thank u always on time internal cause external effect would love to connect with u we are creating a whole new code for a new world your work and ours is very connected…. thank u so much I’m seeing my kids for the first time in 4 months …. he took everything even the children I wouldn’t give up my soul bless u Matilda and bless u Melanie I’m so grateful for all my reflections turning into new versions of myself the whole time I saw the blue butterfly 🦋 of course it would show up sending love ❤️ your sister

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Devorah,

      you are very welcome.

      I am so happy for you that you are breaking through.

      So much love to you too!

      Mel xo

  • Nliddington@hotmail.com'
    N
    December 4, 2017

    I feel a bit confused Mel. I identified with the internal dependence and non belief in myself. But when I was with my ex I was the financial sptivuder I put up all the capital for our home and supported him and his actions cost me everything I had.

    He never supported me so I didn’t become financially dependent on him. On a day to day basis I was better off as soon as I left .

    But 6 years on I’m still struggling to buy food and pay rent

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi N,

      I totally understand this dilemma, and it is another Thriver TV episode – regarding financial abuse, including the healing of this.

      Have you come into one of my free webinars to take the journey deeper to find and release the beliefs that may be holding you back – as well, of course, the trauma of what you went through? That is what I would so suggest in order to get to the bottom of this N …

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • premdana@gmail.com'
        Dana
        December 10, 2017

        which episode is that as that is my position too as I was “the provider”. I stopped the money leak 2 hears ago when he left but im not now getting ahead again and I have CFS and a special needs son…

  • katjababei1@gmail.com'
    Kat
    December 4, 2017

    Thank you for this article, Melanie.

    My ex used all of the different tactics you describe. He tried to stop me from qualifying and when I did, stripped me of my money, whilst he earned loadsabd hid it away. He wanted me to always be at zero so that I was dependent upon him and so he could treat me as he wanted.

    He would but me treats once in a while as ‘intermittent reinforcement’- but even these treats were ones that he didn’t have to fork out much for!

    He destroyed my confidence so much that I – like you describe- doubted my own ability to generate income. When I got a nice job, I had terrible ‘imposter syndrome’- I kept thinking they’d find out how rubbish I really was!

    Thankfully I have received real appreciation through my work and encouragement. I have divorced him. For a long time after the divorce, I still doubted my abilities, but now I know I am capable- he just wanted me to think I wasn’t.

    I went through a dreadful time during the divorce, as he was doing anything in order to ‘win’ and to try to leave the kids and I destitute. But I fought him, and because of fighting him I think I can finally say that I am proud of myself- something I could never say before!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Kat,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I am so pleased you have fought back and rebuilt yourself.

      You should be very proud of how far you have come

      Wishing you continued blessings and expansion.

      Mel xo

  • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
    Bren
    December 5, 2017

    Does this apply to work situations? How do I apply this to getting the job I desire and am welcomed to whom see my value to their business? It seems people are so disposable in the US? I lost a great job thru narcs some 5 years ago and have never been able to get that same level of work or better back in my life now? I’ve applied for work, but to no avail. Feeling very stuck here. Ive kind of have given up on finding more and better work again cause I just don’t get more of the work in which I excel. ….. Help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Bren,

      it SO does Dear Lady! It is about shifting every limiting belief. When we understand there is “no outside” then all you need to do is shift “People don’t want (whatever that is)…” “People are disposable …” And have you cleaned up all the “I lost my previous great job due to N’s” and there may be beliefs about “the U.S.” in there …

      Set the goal setting Module to align with YOUR unique contribution being EXACTLY what a niche of people are looking for …

      What is that? What is it that you would want? What do you want to share with people, that is your skill that is truly you? Why on earth would there NOT be people looking for exactly that? Clear ALL your limiting beliefs that are stopping you feeling that as “possibility” “truth” and “excitement”.

      It’s time those limiting beliefs went Bren.

      You KNOW what to do. This is no different from any other beliefs that aren’t serving you. They are only “real” because you choose them to be.

      That’s all you have to do Bren, then a whole new world on this will open up for you.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • torimustang27@gmail.com'
    Tori
    December 5, 2017

    Spot on Mel!
    This is the reason I have been stuck.
    I even started to get illnesses over the years.
    You basically said it all in this vid.

    I hope my solution in finding my own independent
    financial resources will now present themselves.

    I have done the modules but this is the only one thing that has kept me stuck.
    Thank you for this video today!

    Tori

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Tori,

      I am so pleased this deeply resonates with you and can help you.

      Sending you many blessings.

      Mel xo

  • ebs@bellaliant.net'
    Elaine Baylis-Slade
    December 5, 2017

    Our Dearest Melanie.
    Deepest gratitude for yet another wonderful post.
    We all here have benefited from your seemingly unlimited generosity.
    I have been humbled by it and am grateful for it.

    I have been in every place and in every position you have described. I have been following your sights for going on over three years now.
    My spouse and I dated almost three years and were married for just over 24. We have been separated since then, (2011) so with the upcoming year it will be going on number seven.

    During a severe panic attack one night at about the three years into separation mark, I jumped out of bed , went to my computer, and punched in the words…”How to beat a Narcissist”, and Voila…there you were, and I’ve been here ever since.

    I just so wanted to say Thank-you to you today for all that you have given me 🙂 <3, as well as wish you and yours a wonderful upcoming holiday.
    Much love to Tiggy. X's.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Elaine,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased I can help and that you have connected with our incredible Community!

      Thank you for your well wishes and much love from myself and Tiggy.

      Mel xo

  • karencarter21@yahoo.co.uk'
    Karen
    December 5, 2017

    Wow! I don’t know what it is Melanie, but the synchronistic timing of everything you send me in alignment with current issues I am facing is really extraordinary! It is so empowering to hear your story and to be reassured I am on the right path, having been stung by two narcissists in different ways, leaving me on the brink of destitution with two sons to support. I am still in the early days of recovering but have healed so much on the inside that I am confident the outer is currently arranging itself to reflect this, and I am so excited to see this manifest. Is there a particular module you would recommend for healing money beliefs, or any books you found life-changers to further support this aspect of recovery?

    Thanks so much for your constant support. Everything you write and say resonates and I am eternally grateful for the clarity you shine on this subject, and the support you provide, unlike anything I’ve ever found. Looking forward to finding my niche and rising from the ashes, and feeling blessed and grateful to have the resources you provide to support that. A big heartfelt thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Karen,

      I love that so many of us are aligned together and that we are in synch!

      Ok, I love the goal setting Module in regard to working with money beliefs. Truly – feel into all “that hurts” in that area, and set up the Goal “The Source Healing and Resolution of This” and keep working on releasing each trauma regarding finances until you reach a 10/10 on the goal – and you will see HUGE shifts in your circumstances.

      I love shifting rather than learning, there is NO substitute for “becoming” yet whatever you are personally drawn to, go there and you may get more clues as to what to shift 🙂

      Thank you for your lovely support and I am honoured that I am supporting you.

      Much love to you Karen from my heart to yours.

      Mel xo

  • mjoyelmhc@aol.com'
    Mary
    December 5, 2017

    As a licensed mental health counselor who works with NPD abuse often, sadly too often, this is a great article that should not be missed. Virtually all of the clients I work with that are battered women are trapped because of financial abuse. All of them. Value yourself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Mary,

      I totally agree, it is a common issue that requires healing. Keep up your great work 🙂

      Mel xo

  • anastasia.bethany@gmail.com'
    Anastasia
    December 5, 2017

    Melanie – you are a superstar! This is precisely what I have been going through with family – it seems you read some of the comments I left ina support group because of how precise is your answer to my current extremely troubled situation! Thank you over and over again for your time, dedication and courage in terms of talking us through these situations in your videos.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Anastasia,

      It is my pleasure Lovely Lady, and I am so pleased this helps 🙂

      Mel xo

  • p.j.godfrey@hotmail.com'
    Jane
    December 18, 2017

    Thank you for this. In my need to be supportive, I gave up three wonderful career jobs, but with the last move to the UAE, was unable to work. My husband was always telling me that we should put our bank accounts together (meaning me giving up mine) as that is what truly committed people do. There was a knowing deep down that I acknowledged and wouldn’t follow his directive. I only wish I had listened to my gut more as now being separated there are many difficult challenges ahead, but… it is what it is now. I was really helped by listening to this episode (all of them actually), and feel the beginnings of hope at looking inward and trusting myself. I’m not sure what I’ll find altogether, but what you speak of sounds like a wonderful place to be.

  • cmnesmith3@gmail.com'
    Mariyah
    January 15, 2018

    I am what some call Over-the Hill and no one believes that in this society, there is “age discrimination” in hiring, it’s just
    not provable. Anyway, my thought is this: That we help each other by uniting, sharing what we have, homes, for example; I have been married to this man I thought I knew for 26+ years. This past November, he with help from his brother, (who knew we were struggling financially), bought a Dodge Ram HEMI Truck, had his minimum wage salary
    auto-deposited to the Truck Company to pay for the truck, and Has Not Paid Rent Since, we are now 3 months behind in rent payments, and starts screaming at me if I ask him about it, saying “I am trying to start a fight”. I would leave but
    I have no family and no place to go. I would gladly pay any amount of my Social Security Check for a room to reside in
    until I can “thrive again”. Got to go!!!! We need to Unite!!!!

  • jean.vreeland11@gmail.com'
    Jean Vreeland
    January 20, 2018

    I was discarded by a narcissist last March 26th, 2017. After an almost 4 year relationship, we moved into a home together on March 1, 2017 and less than a month later he broke up with me. I knew something was not right when we moved in. He spent all his time on social media and barely did anything to help get settled in our home, which was my dream, having a home together. He totally discarded me. I just learned that he was a narcissist. I could not understand how anyone could do this. He love bombed me in the beginning and I thought he was so wonderful and was truly fuel for his ego. Ever so slowly I gave myself to him, and felt insecure, anxious, due to something not being right. He said all the right things, but did not commit to me. The night before he left, I went out with a friend and we drank way too much, I was suffering from anxiety and wanted to show her a good time, due to her going through some very traumatic stuff. I came home and got very sick. He gave me the silent treatment the next day and left for his condo for a few days. Then he came back and broke up with me. I was in total shock, I cried, could not function, felt like I had been hit by a truck, stabbed in the heart, and stabbed in the back. He barely ever contacted me since that day. It has been devastating to say the least. I just turned 59 in November. I am not young. He was 9 years younger and I started feeling insecure about age, and other things, which I now see was subtle devaluing. He never was overtly abusive, he was neglectful, always on social media, always writing. He is a writer, and a techie guru with over 150K followers on twitter. I always knew that and accepted it, but he preferred his social media to me at the end and I could tell he didn’t want to be with me. I thought it was just adjusting to moving in, but that was not the case. This brought up all kinds of emotional trauma, fear of abandonment, insecurity, self doubt, self hate, and plotting the end of my life, as I felt dead and could not function for months. I had a part time job I would show up at but barely function. I am still having a very hard time getting myself going each day. I am very slow moving, can’t seem to get ready for work without it taking me 2 – 3 hours and I am not taking care of myself and my life. I just learned that he is a narcissist about 3 weeks ago and now I am reading about it and learning about it and it is a true revelation and has upset me that I had no idea about this during the relationship. It has taken me this long to learn it, simply because I googled being discarded, which I felt like I was discarded like an old shoe with no looking back from him whatsoever. I on the other hand, cannot stop thinking about him, ruminating on how much he has hurt me and my life. He has set me back financially, business wise and in every way possible. He is a millionaire, due to working for Apple and having Apple stock and does not have to work. He just writes, blogs, and has fun. You can read about his famous life here: bio.joemoreno.com. You would think he is the most upstanding, honorable, person you would ever want to meet. I admired him and fed his ego and after we moved in I mentioned something was bothering me and he just looked at me with disdain, as if that bothered him that I said something he was doing bothered me and we needed to talk about anything that bothered us. Most of the relationship I suffered from anxiety that I hid from him. He had been recently divorced when we met and told me his ex had severe anxiety so I didn’t want him to think I was another anxiety case. He was always happy and positive around me and I was always that way too. I didn’t want him to see me without makeup, I always was happy and pretty around him. I thought that is what he wanted. He never wanted to discuss serious matters. I didn’t want to be the one to bring up commitment, as I thought we were committed due to his always saying how much he loved me, cards, poetry, flowers, etc. But I realize now how wrong I was that I didn’t stand up for myself and ask for what I wanted, I wanted him to be happy and to make him happy and I became a shell of nothing. I hated myself when he left due to letting myself down, just thinking that having a home with him would make my life complete and that is what I wanted. The first 2 weeks we were in the house I was happy Suzy Homemaker, as I had lived with a roommate for 4 years and this was my dream to have a home with the love of my life and go to sleep with him and wake up with him each day. I even told him this. I also told him how much I loved playing house with him. I am sure I was very annoying and you could tell he did not want to be around me, which gave me great anxiety. I always had anxiety during the relationship and went to therapy about it which was obviously no help whatsoever, I did not know I was dealing with a narcissist. I just made the discovery and it has shocked me that all the signs were there and I didn’t know it. How is it that women are not aware. Thank you for what you are doing. I feel so naive and stupid. I grew up being belittled by a brother and neglected by my family. My brother always told me i was stupid and my family did nothing about it. I always felt not good enough and tried to blend in and be the happy person. My parents were older and sick and we were emotionally neglected. My brother and I are adopted and he had a lot of issues, so I was the good kid. The people pleaser. All I ever wanted was a happy home and family life. I studied graphic design and worked, but never had much of a career. I pretty much hated most of my jobs my entire life. I was married at 24 and had a daughter at 26. She is now almost 33. She lives in New Orleans and I live in San Diego. I have lived here 5 years, I always wanted to move back here and now I am going to have to leave because I can’t afford to stay here and my life is pretty much a mess due to my anxiety level and my being a total mess. I can fake it and go out and work for a few hours, or do things for a few hours and look normal, but for the most part I am a total mess and can barely function at all. I was just in New Orleans with my daughter and may move there to help her with her business. She is the only one that understands how bad this is. She was diagnosed bipolar 2 years ago. She is very smart and has a successful business. I am hoping I can help her there and live very cheaply. Her father had schizoid personality disorder, and I was codependent. We were married almost 6 years. The last 3 it was over. I can’t believe I fell into this trap with this prince charming that seemed too good to be true. I doubted myself and did not feel good enough for him and felt he didn’t really love me and I was right. I wish I had listened to my gut instincts, but I did not know any of this. I was very weak, I wanted the man to be the one to say he wanted the commitment, I was giving him that opportunity, as a bit of an old fashioned, woman, thinking he was my knight in shining armor that would provide for me and protect me due to his financial resources and not having to work for a living. I thought I would finally not have to worry financially and now I have been set back for years because I spent so much time with him neglecting myself and my work. I am very angry at myself, I’ve been reading a lot about letting go and have really tried to love and care for myself, but it is not easy when you feel like a complete failure, and utterly stupid for having fallen for so much romantic BS. I feel like I am an idiot and at 59 years old it is very difficult to start over. I’ve had to start over so many times in my life. I moved to San Diego five years ago because I used to live here and love it and always regretted leaving. I wanted to live and die here. I thought I found the man of my dreams and my life was set and the rug was completely pulled out from under me. He paid my rent for this year and it is over at the end of February, and he wants to move into the house when I move out. Talk about psychopath. I will go through my meager savings in a matter of months if I stay here so I am going to go to New Orleans to be near my daughter for 3 – 6 months and help her with her business and rebuild. I feel like I do not want to live. I have no energy, I am completely drained and barely functioning. It has been 10 months and I think about him all the time and how much he hurt me and how he feels absolutely nothing. He had closure immediately. I begged for closure and a reason for him ending our relationship and got nothing. Now I know why, he feels nothing, I knew he felt nothing and could not understand it. But he is a true narcissist and now I know it. I wish I had known all of this before, but the blessing in disguise is that I am now going to be who I am, not a pretty positive person, but a real person that is struggling to rebuild and only hope I can do it, because I will be 60 this year and I am not young and this has messed up my brain to the point where it is hard for me to do anything that requires deep focus. I have no focus, no retention, and feel incompetent to take care of myself and my life. No one knows how bad it it except me and I have shared with my daughter that I am not in a good place and she understands, but no one else has a clue. I actually looked up ways to end my life and thought about going out to the ocean and swimming way out after taking a bunch of drugs and drinking so I would just sink to the bottom and be gone forever. Of course I am not going to do that, but knowing I could gave me a little relief. I want to be strong again and be authentic and have a life, I am hoping you can help me. I love your videos, and you are great. Thank you for being there to help people like me. Thank you for listening. I hope I can forget Joe, he got under my skin, like a drug. I never loved anyone like him. I gave him my heart and soul and life and he threw me away. It is the worst thing imaginable and the worst part is he just walked away with no remorse or care which makes it hurt even more. I understand this is what they do, now that I learned he is a narcissist, but I am angry at myself for believing in a fantasy life with him. I have never had a healthy relationship in my life. I can’t believe I never met someone after being divorced at 30. I wanted a home and family life and love and happiness. Why is that so hard for me. I guess I feel unworthy due to being raised catholic and committing mortal sins and that is another long story, but I forgive myself because that is the ultimate religion to make you feel bad about yourself and shaming, etc. I am reading a lot to become enlightened and conscious and writing a lot as well. I am trying so hard, but it is very very hard for me, due to such terrible traumatic events. This one has been the worst. I suffered from PTSD. I had it when my mother died. I witnessed her dying a terrible death and my brother was there controlling the situation. He yelled at me during her death and I have had a very superficial relationship with him since our 20’s because he is someone who throws terrible temper tantrums and has fits that are scary and vulgar.

    I know I am going on and on, as no one can really hear this and deal with it. I do a lot of reading and journaling and I love your video on being with yourself and becoming whole. I was going to start online dating to meet new people, as I cant get Joe out of my brain and thought it would help. I cant stop thinking of him and what he did to me and how he has moved on like I do not exist and I do not exist for him at all and it cuts like a knife because he always told me how much he loved me everyday and it is incredibly hard for me to get that close to anyone. I have never been that close to anyone, I thought he was my destiny. What a mess I am, I gave him my entire life and now I have nothing and I am nothing and I feel like a nothing. Who would want me, I have nothing. I can’t even function and learn anything new and do a good job at anything. I am barely scraping through life and once he stops paying my rent next month, if I don’t make a major change, I could easily go through all of my savings and be on the street in a matter of months. I have actually thought of living in my car because I can’t work at a normal job anymore. I have too much stress and it takes me 2 – 3 hours just to get ready to go anywhere. I am a total mess. I am hoping you can help me get myself back, I don’t think I ever had myself, I have always been a self sacrificing people pleaser. Never wanting to hurt or rock the boat, or cause any problems, just go along, get along, be a chameleon and fit in. As an adoptee I believe I have primal abandonment issues, and I was neglected and had no emotional depth at all with my family. It was all very superficial. My relationship with Joe was superficial and at the end he told me we never had deep discussions, well that is not all my fault, but I blamed myself for not speaking my mind and I still do. I did not want him to see my insecurity and anxiety. Thanks for listening, I will sign off now. Maybe I can work with you and help you to educate the world about these predators that come across as prince charming and perfect gentleman, but they are everything but that. They destroy people and lives and feel nothing. He thinks paying my rent for a year exonerates him for what he did, but it is nothing for him, he has plenty of money. Thinking of him going on with his life with no care for me is absolutely devastating and I want to stop thinking about him, but trying to stop is counter productive, it doesn’t work. I am now obsessed with these videos and avoiding life, it is a most self sabotaging situation, as I am avoiding life by watching these videos, work does not matter to me, nothing matters to me. I am just a waste of space and do not know what to do, because I fear it will be a mistake, I will mess up someone’s business or work and fail at anything I try, as I have no more energy left. I used to work two jobs and be a go getter, now I can barely get out of bed. It is now 9 am and I am getting out of bed and going to do some work, but I have neglected so much work and I am so far behind I am going to have to quit my part time job and tell them I am moving, because I am going to move to New Orleans to be near my daughter at the end of February, which is one month away and I am totally moving my life again and starting over again and hope I can do it.
    Love and peace,
    Jean

    • lesterginash@gmail.com'
      lester Ginash
      February 5, 2018

      HELLO DEAR AM LESTER GINASH, I THINK I CAN HELP YOU OR GIVE WHAT CAN HELP YOU MY SWEET HEART

  • southernurse79@yahoo.com'
    Victoria Grace
    February 18, 2018

    Hello Melanie,
    I have watched you over the years, since I first bought NARP. It has taken me a long time to get here, though I am fully recovering as I rebuild. Unfortunately, I cannot leave just yet, though it is forthcoming; I am light years ahead of where I was when I was introduced to you. I want to say that I noticed you are looking brighter than ever! Thank You for your continued work; I recommend it to anyone I meet online who is where I was. And though this is off the cuff, since you mentioned the gift of your earrings in another recent video, I want to say that I adore your jewelry, also. If you can share, please tell me about your beautiful necklace here; as a 60th birthday gift to self in two months, would love to gift self with one like yours.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 19, 2018

      Hi Victoria,

      I am so pleased you are doing such a great job at healing and I am very happy I could help 🙂

      That necklace I have had for so long!!! I think it came from a dress shop possibly more than 10 years ago.

      I find that stores that specialize in jewelry can have some lovely pieces though – we have lots of those in Australia now!

      Also do look online you may see something that you love there.

      I LOVE that you are going to gift yourself!

      Mel xo

  • beatdebop@yahoo.com'
    cheryl
    February 22, 2018

    I married and am healing from a criminal narcissist since he is now imprisoned I am getting free. He has taken every single dime from me. I am looking for work and removing power. Divorce will happen but I am separating by name and then because he moved out but entangled me in a legal mess that I have to live in a place he secured and can take from me anytime. I hope to do all I need to do in the next 30 days. Need work.

  • aiameeting@yahoo.com'
    Bea
    March 19, 2018

    You find closure by taking following steps with the help of QUANTA healing modules…

    1. Acceptance – Accept I was married (fell-in love) to a heartless soul. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance….Stopped living in denial.
    2. Narcs are human leeches…. They prey on your resources. They want – what you have. They are vampires. They can not live on their own.
    3. Narc’s definition of LOVE is not yours. Only way to heal is by healing. Take it from a person who has lived through this to tell. Use QUANTA healing modules to heal your childhood wounds.
    4. You need to fill up your holes….otherwise, you are likely to attract another Narc…. Again, do QUANTA healing.
    5. You can recover and go on to thrive… Only and only after you have healed your wounds.
    6. Therefore, the only cure, elixir, medicine is to start working on your healing…. Fastest way to land on your feet financially and emotionally. Get back to living and enjoying life again.

    Hope this helps.

  • saojani.naidoo@gmail.com'
    Sarojani
    March 21, 2018

    Thankyou Melanie for your amazing work.This episode has answered my question of moving out of his life for good and being independent completely.I follow quantum healing with your direction and have included it with my meditations daily.It is incredible and I’m getting stronger and happier.Carry on this amazing work.
    Thanku again and lots of love

  • parkitff@schaeffler.com'
    Kimberly
    April 26, 2018

    I dated a Narcissist for almost 2 years. I’m a single mom and He was married when we met, gave me the whole “I’m unhappily married, I will divorce her for you” speech. He had been having affairs for years. Eventually, after a while, I said S**T or get off the pot, you can’t have your cake and eat it too, after almost a year on and off, she found out about us, which I knew would happen (small town!) and she kicked him out. She ruined me in the town with names and turning people against me, and he moved in with his mom. We dated on and off, I helped him with his divorce as he slumped into depression, I gave him emotional support as he begged me not to ever leave him. Then we would just fight more and more as the stress got to us both. We broke up for 4 months, he got divorced and when we got back together, he started accusing me of horrid things, jealousy etc. I dated one guy while apart, he slept with 4 women!
    He moved in with me and we tried to get back towards a future together, I loved him. But he continuously told me he had no money, so I paid for everything (again I’m a single mom with 3 kids-one in college). He had to pay ex child support and alimony, but he still made 3x more than me. After 5 months he FINALLY stepped up and paid one bill in house. I felt like his “sugar mamma”, I paid for mostly everything, including practically all the Xmas presents for my kids and his 3 kids (that didn’t even like me) but he had to get them presents and couldn’t afford anything. I paid for all our wknd trips away overnight to get a break from kids, even if just to a hotel or a casino. I paid for groceries. He originally would cook dinners when he first moved in because he could work from home, but those last couple months, he never did anymore. He started going to office more, distancing himself more, picking fights more, I found out he was helping ex-wife with more things (like her mortgage and her bills that he wasn’t responsible for but he felt he had to because he didn’t want his kids suffering).
    He left last week, just picked up and left after a fight that got too heated, almost like he was just waiting for the opportunity or excuse. And now he goes to every event in town with his kids. But yet, when dating me, he would NEVER and WE would NEVER go to anything because of the backlash. Plus he had an affair with one of the women in town prior to me a few years ago, and that woman’s kid is on one of his kid’s teams, so we avoided that at all costs. Now??? He immediately went to that game….I feel like he is flaunting himself as single now in front of everyone and it is making me feel like shit. It’s a slap in the face and making a statement to the ex-wife, the ex-affair slut, all the town…..

  • jm.vuuren@gmail.com'
    Jeanne Van Vuuren
    May 23, 2018

    Dear Melanie, I have been married for almost 17 years now. When I met him, he was divorced for 3 years and I was single for 3 years, also recovering from a break-up of a 4 year relationship of which 2 years engaged. He was the victim because his ex cheated on him and he labelled her as bipolar. He seemed so stable, had his own house, and 4.5 years older than me, I thought I could look up at him. Looking back now, I was the typical co-dependant with low self esteem and afraid of the big wide world out there (I grew up with over-protective parents) and I handed all my power over to him, trusting he was the man for me. Soon after we met, he declared that he was going to marry me. A fairytale wedding has always been my dream since I was a little girl.
    We both were unhappy in our jobs, so we travelled overseas for about 8 months on a working holiday to the UK. Came back home, started new careers in a new city where we shared place to stay. Nothing happened about the marriage promise and after 3 years of being together, I started to put pressure but he was not very keen. I was so desperate for stability and after I kind of pressured him into it, we eventually got married. I never felt at ease and started to feel I made a huge mistake but he told me it was too late now, we have spent all this money on a wedding.

    We never had a secure financial life and many days I was in tears about the uncertainty. I ended up getting a good job and at one point earned more than him. Due to my extreme low self confidence I suffered emotionally and started suffering panic attacks on a regular basis. But I kept on going with minimum support or care for my condition. I just had to keep on going. I took responsibility for all the problems in our life and always blamed myself for our problems. Typical! He always took all our major financial decisions, but I kept my own bank account and paid as much as I could toward the household because I always felt guilty. He got into a tiff with his employer and then he decided we should move to a smaller town. From there it just went downhill and I started suffering depression (but I did not know it at that time). Huge stress, because there were limited jobs and could not earn enough to cover our debt – (he bought a house we could actually not afford). I begged to move back to another city where there could be job opportunities for both of us. Eventually he gave in and I managed to get a job again and he started working from home. He declared that he will never work for a boss. Although he seemed to work very hard, he took risky financial decisions and we just went down and down a debt spiral. Shortly after my son’s birth in 2009, we rock bottom and I had to move with a small baby from one house to the next because we could not afford the rent. My baby was colicly, I was suffering post partum depression, and to this day I do not know how I coped. I had no help with my baby and had to look after him day in and day out, while husband is working on his business which just never provides enough. I begged, I screamed, I pleaded to please find stable employment but he stubbornly refused and just kept on going and going. Sometimes I did not had money for diapers. My parents, who also struggle, had to support me and my child for a couple of months. Promise after promise was made of how things will improve, I must just be patient and support him. I maxed my cards, got blacklisted, went under debt counselling and got my name cleared 2 years ago, just find out the other day that I am still blacklisted because of the house he bought previously.

    Today, 17 years later, me and my 9 year old son, have no secure future. He lapsed his policies, medical aid and insurance (I only found out recently). I have put my son andme on a medical aid and it takes a huge chunk from my salary. It is as if I am waking up from a foggy dream if I look back now. He never hit me, cheated on me (or I do not have proof) and is a likeable person. I have always been the one with the emotional breakdowns, trying desperately to control him.

    I have reached a point where I cannot bear his energy and have distanced myself emotionally and physically from him for the last 5 months. I tried to share and be vulnerable with him, but at last realised that it is as if I am hitting a brick wall every time. He does not do emotional sharing. I am seeing a psychologist to help heal childhood issues. Considering divorce more and more. My salary is ok, but not enough to support me at this point in time, so I am looking at getting extra job.

    Am I financially abused?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2018

      Hi Jeanne,

      I hear you and I understand your struggle because I remember it all too well myself.

      This resource may help you understand the deeper truths of what is happening when we experience these terrible feelings of not being safe and secure financially.

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=j7NtbtybdV0

      What is so vitally important for all of us who felt like we couldn’t make it on our own or be our own source, is to heal that deeply within ourselves … then we can be the generative source of a healthier more powerful and safe reality.

      I hope this video helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    May 24, 2018

    I always worked even though the Narc criticized me and my job/co-workers heavily. If I talked about what was going on at work he would just start yelling at me to quit. Easy for him to say. He bounces from job to job or just doesn’t work at all. I am so glad I continued to work. Lots of people I have talked to that are married to Narcs get conned into staying at home with the kids. This is so “wrong town” in my opinion.

    For me putting the child in daycare and keeping my decent paying job was the right thing to do. I know if I had quit that the bills would not get paid and we would be in a shelter somewhere. Jump starting a career once you have dropped out to stay home takes time and support. The Narc even tried to con me into putting his name on the deed to my house. I just didn’t buy it and it made him furious.

    I also learned early in the relationship not to have a joint bank account. He would check the balance and if there was any money in it he would drain the account! It didn’t matter if we had bills coming up. End of joint account. When we divorced (he filed but I ended up paying his lawyer to finalize the paperwork) I owed more credit card debt than my annual salary! My lawyer wanted to make him pay at least half of what I owed (I had put the cards all in my name so they would at least get paid and taken his name off). A credit card to a Narc is like “free” money. I declined knowing that it would just make things worse and paid them all off myself.

    Despite all this – once I actually got rid of him – life began to get better both emotionally and financially. These people are just such bad news.

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