Melanie Tonia Evans

The Narcissist And Co-dependent – Two Sides Of The Same Coin

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 10
170
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

I know this title may seem judgmental or even offend some people.

“How on earth can you compare me to a narcissist – by putting me on the same coin?”

So much of the public, and many experts and therapists believe that it is the differences between narcissists and their targets which bring them together.

Yes, yes and yes – on the surface that theory appears to be 100% accurate …

However, I believe “Takers gravitate to givers,” “opposites attract” are only a tiny part of the truth.

It is only looking at the surface ….

There is something much deeper going on as to why co-dependents and narcissists attract and in this article I’m going to explain why it’s not our DIFFERENCES but actually our SIMILARITIES that bring us together.

By understanding this vital concept you will be able to identify the parts of yourself that make you a target for narcissists, and move another step closer to ending the cycle of abuse and dissatisfying relationships in your life.

What my intention is with articles such as this – is to help you get to the truth in order to heal your life. This article is about deeply understanding the similarities co-dependents share with narcissists. The similarities which put both parties on the same coin.

This truth is not about “blaming and shaming” – which only triggers our ego into more resentment which of course the ego loves (“Go on, go on feed me MORE pain!”), but instead in ways that open up our bodies, minds and hearts with big “Ah-ha” awareness.

Because it is those “Oh my goodness” moments which make all the difference ….

If we were to imagine that the co-dependent / narcissistic relationship was the “light” and the “dark” side of a coin, we know there are differences; however I want to grant you the understanding of what the coin really is – because that understanding is vital.

It’s vital because it allows you to know what is necessary to never be half of that coin again.

But before I do, let’s look at the differences between the two sides ….

 

The Dark Side of the Coin

Narcissists are amoral – they do pathological things in order to secure narcissistic supply (attention and energy). According to the narcissist – the means justifies the end result.

Narcissists don’t care that they lack integrity and if caught out, their emotional injury is really about losing significance, not having the upper hand, or not being able to have an agenda fulfilled.

Narcissists already know they are bad. At a deep inner level there is intense self-loathing and self-rejection. If an individual essentially believes they are a bad person, that’s exactly how they will behave, and then the trick is to try to hide that from the world – so as not to be punished, rejected or abandoned because of being defective and unlovable whilst trying to get needs met.

Of course that strategy was always going to be self-defeating – because you can never hide Who You Really Are (which is ACTUALLY how much you do or don’t love and accept yourself) … it has to eventually come out.

Truth is like gravity – it’s a force of the Universe which is absolute – it can just take a little longer to become visible.

This is the narcissistic formula – “I am not acceptable as being me – I’m bad, and my life doesn’t work being me – therefore I need to be someone else.”

This malignant “killing off” of the narcissist’s inner being and placing a fictitious character in its place, creates an even more distorted and twisted life view – of not only “self” but of “others” as well.

At this point it’s important to understand the infinite connection of Oneness we all participate in.

What I mean by that is: “How we see and treat ourself is how we see and treat others and how others see and treat us.”

See how interconnected it all is?

Neale Donald Walsh puts it like this: “There is only ONE person in the room.”

Essentially what this means for the narcissist is – his or her intense self-loathing and self-rejection extends not only to him or herself but to everyone else also.

Especially when “that” person can’t rescue the narcissist from the agony of his or her own self-loathing and self-rejection.

Sadly, the narcissist doesn’t realise or accept that only he or she can ….

You need to understand this – The narcissist can’t create any real relationship with his or her False Self – because it’s NOT real. The only relationship the narcissist could ever have with him or herself is with the true inner being – and that’s been killed off and replaced.

It’s obsolete.

Frightful but true … now you can understand why the narcissist chases energy from outside him or herself so desperately.

Because the narcissist does not have a healthy relationship with “self” (there is no “self” to have a relationship with), there is no ability to trust anyone else either. For this reason narcissists feel terribly vulnerable and controlled by others when forced to operate like a decent / honest person. The narcissist feels it makes him or her inferior, “like everyone else,” and causes him or her to lose superiority and a vital upper hand.

The narcissistic motto is “If I operate within decency, you will destroy me.”

Therefore to summarise – on the narcissistic “dark-side” of the coin, we have the character defect of purposeful pathological behaviour in order to get needs met – without remorse or conscience.

 

The Light Side of the Coin

Co-dependents don’t roll like that.

Co-dependents do have a conscience, they have a moral compass – and in their natural operations, are dismayed with feelings of guilt if “doing the wrong thing.”

Co-dependents can “fess up” – they can be remorseful. A co-dependent will naturally gravitate towards the truth – when possible – knowing this is the most healthy place to operate from, because the co-dependent feels really knocked around when operating out of truth. He or she feels like the very foundation of his or her being is unstable when not being honest.

Co-dependents absolutely can have times of insecurity, fear and self-doubt and self-reflect poorly as a result of external events – but fundamentally at the core is the desire to be a good person, and know that being “good” is his or her inherent self.

The co-dependent may judge, criticise and be hard on his or her inner being – but it has NOT been killed off and replaced with a fictitious character. The inner self still exits, and the co-dependent does have access to a connection with it – if the effort is taken to do so.

In summary – the co-dependent “light” side of the coin is this: the possessing of a conscience and wanting to operate within humanity as “a good person.”

Now that we have examined the surface of the coin, we need to deeply go into the actual coin itself.

But before I do, let’s touch on my definition of a co-dependent again, which grants us a much bigger picture meaning that simply “growing up in a substance abuse family.”

Most importantly it will grant you a much better understanding of what the coin really is ….

 

What Is Co-dependency Really?

Co-dependency is this: Trying to source self from outside of self.

When we look at the human model, we can understand the entire world is co-dependent to varying degrees.

Every person on the planet – before raising their consciousness – is living the egoic mind illusion that we can only be loveable and worthy for “what we are doing” and “what we have” instead of Who We Are.

The more ingrained this illusion is within us – the more separation we suffer from our essential True Selves – the truth that we are adored unconditionally by Source / Life / God (whatever your understanding of a higher power and / or “The Field of Lifeforce” is) simply because we exist.

The ego does everything it can to keep you AWAY from that truth. Because in that truth the ego (pain body) can’t exist.

Your ego may be doing backflips right now.

Until we know that connection to Source / Life / God, we can’t accept our own basic goodness, worthiness or wholesomeness and we can’t truly love and accept ourselves.

This grants the ego a foothold – and often a really strong foothold – making us believe that we can only be loveable and worthy when we get a partner, when we have children, when we achieve that degree, when we make enough money, when we secure a prosperous lifestyle, when we finally get our parents to know us and accept us, when that person suffers for what they did to us, when that person atones for what they did to us, or when we have someone new loving us enough to make us feel whole.

ALL of that is conditional love.

That is NOT the energy of Source / Life / God.

That is NOT the energy of our True Self, and …

… it is NOT the TRUTH period.

Everything that HURTS comes from that illusion.

Living this human illusion is co-dependency, and it has nothing to do with whether or not you are a good person with morals. There are ‘bad’ and ‘good’ people living this illusion.

What this illusion has everything to do with is: emotional pain, painful relationships and feeling separated from support, love and wellbeing.

All essentially because you are separated from the Truth About Yourself.

It’s really important to understand this: narcissists are co-dependent too – horrifically co-dependent.

Think about it… narcissists / sociopaths / psychopaths are the greatest manifestation of humans not knowing that Source / Life / God loves and accepts them unconditionally – hence the horrific need to try and gain a sense of ‘self’ through desperate and horrifying means.

The REAL truth is this:  none of us can have a relationship with ourselves, life or others that is healthy, fulfilling and wholesome until we clean up the only TRUE relationship – which is first and foremost the relationship we are having with Source / Life / God – because all relationship comes from how healthily that relationship is or isn’t established.

That is the only relationship from where true love can be generated. It has to start with seeing ourselves unconditionally as Source / God / Life sees us – in truth.

When we know that we are loveable, accepted and worthy beyond measure simply because we exist – that is not egotistical. In fact it kills off our ego which rampantly and unendingly declares, “You are NOT good enough – and you will ONLY be good enough WHEN you do / get (fill in the gap).”

And if you are lucky enough to do or get “that thing” – the ego finds another reason to throw at you as to why you are still not good enough to be worthy, loved or accepted, or manifests a sabotaging event or relationship to lose it anyway.

True self-love and self-acceptance is not the narcissistic standpoint of, “If you don’t like me the way I am you can get lost!” This reminds me of the famous quote by Marilyn Monroe, “If you can’t accept my bad traits, you don’t deserve my good ones!”

That is NOT self-love and self-acceptance! It’s not even in the ballpark – let alone anywhere near the goals. Loving and accepting ourselves is NOT about zero effort to deeply grow and improve ourselves, and narcissistically expecting people to just COP us!

True self-love and self-acceptance is living a life of authenticity – which entails admitting, accepting, sharing and exposing our weaknesses (because we love all parts of ourself) and accepting, supporting and loving other people’s flaws too.

It is the knowing and excitement that eternal growth and evolution is the utterly BEST part of being human, it’s the coolest stuff to share, and it’s what makes our life journey so magical.

Why is it so magical?

Because we get to experience the utter joy and bliss each and every time we expand.

If we aren’t releasing our wounds (our fearful, scared, stuck inner parts) and expanding and uplevelling our lives – life is dead. That’s what depression is …

Expansion and Evolution is Source / Life / God in action, and it is us – it is Who We Really Are.

If we are not living as Who We Are – we don’t integrate, we don’t ascend – we disintegrate – and that hurts us profoundly.

So when we “see,” “know,” and love and accept ourselves as Source / Life  /God really does, we stop trying to source ourselves from stuff and people from “the outside,” and we come back into our bodies being a calm and whole source to ourselves.

Therefore, our real work is to do all we can to clean up our connection to True Source, and then love and accept all parts of ourselves enough to get on with expansion – knowing, as per the words of Buddha, “If you want to know what is going on in your inner life, look at your outer life” – that the “inside” is the foundation of everything.

Then we feel full, we feel joy, and we don’t have to continually be in our mind trying to think things to bridge the gap between who we are being (conditional love) and Who We Really Are (unconditional love) – because there is no longer a gap.

We are at peace when there is no gap.

We just are and we can just be – without fear and without anxiety.

Then from that place we get to experience love, because we are no longer living the illusion of painful separation and having to “prove” our worth.

We extend to others as “love,” we show up as “love” – not from agenda, but simply to connect, and we start attracting the same and we inspire the same.

We see many other people uplevel to a higher vibration in our presence (our soul calls that forth from their soul) and we easily leave alone people who don’t have the intention, resources or orientation to be authentic – because we honour the signs and the “off” feelings.

No longer do we have the pain of separation – the emotional neediness or emptiness – as our rationalisation not to.

When we know that unconditional love and acceptance is our true human birthright we start experiencing the real gifts of our human legacy – heaven on earth – because then effortlessly we start saying “Yes” to the ever increasing stream of wellbeing that Source / Life / God grants us as the true lover / parent / self that this connection is …

… because it is the only REAL connection that exists.

Then in real life terms the real lovers, the real “parents” (supporters / mentors), the real “self” arrives more and more, not because we need these people or states to “get” whole, but because they are simply a flow-on and attraction of our already whole state.

When our wholeness becomes non-reliant on conditions, the conditions automatically shift to deliver more wholeness – but your wholeness cannot be dependent on it – or they never will.

When we start vibrating and living as Who We Really Are, then we connect to the flow of the life which is our natural birthright – joy, love and support, the expressing of our highest potential and the experiencing of our full flourishing.

Life and us become one and the illusion of separation vanishes.

Again, simply put – Co-dependency is the state of trying to source ourselves from outside of ourselves.

It is the trying to create relationships to substitute the only true relationship that really exists, and experiencing the painful self-defeating results of that.

Now, finally we are ready to investigate the coin.

 

The Coin Itself

There is a truth I know about people who heal from narcissistic abuse. It was true for myself and it has been true from every real recovery I have seen over the last 7 years amongst thousands of people.

Healing our wounds, uplevelling our life and expanding into new realities requires 100% personal responsibility.

We know the narcissist’s part – clearly.

We have no power over that, no responsibility for that, and any focus on the narcissist’s part keeps our focus off evolving and expanding ourselves.

Know this – your awareness and effectiveness can only ever be on one focus at one time.

So, if we were to go back to the common belief amongst the majority of the population, regarding the “victim model” – that abusers are the baddies, we are the good people and it was a senseless act that caused us to be victimised – where on earth is the evolution, growth and healing in that for us?

The best we are ever going to extract from that is people’s empathy, being stuck with the label of being “a survivor of abuse,” join a group and connect with other victims who understand what we have been through, keep our story of victimisation going without ever feeling durably free of the painful story, whilst not realising that constantly sharing the story is NOT purging the pain, it actually KEEPS reinforcing it.

The best we can do is stay stuck in the deep wounding – the fear of it happening again, and keep vibrating emotionally within the deep psychological trauma we endured.

The best we can ever hope for as “a powerless victim of what happened” is: “Somehow life may fix it for me one day. I need a lucky break from ‘the outside’ to take away the wounds and grant me relief and wholeness. Maybe even though I feel so closed down, so constricted and fearful – some sort of retribution and repair for my life and soul being ripped apart can turn up.”

We hope and pray that life would just give us a lucky break … then we could feel human again. But Source / Life / God can’t hear us when we are clogged up with unhealed wounds, fear and pain – we are not on the same frequency.

Or … we could take 100% responsibility by looking at “what our part is,” heal it, and claim the glorious gift and joy of expansion and evolution.

We could work hard at claiming and releasing our trapped painful emotions, clear everything that has been blocking our connection and relationship with Source / Life / God – and leave the burdens of being a continual “survivor of abuse” and “victim” and being “powerless” way, way, way behind.

That is what my model of Thriving is and why I developed the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program to achieve it, hence why there are so many people in this community who have left “survivor of abuse,” “victim” and “powerless” way, way, way behind –  because uplevelling IS the way to do it.

That is exactly the work I did with the NARP principles on myself to heal the wounds of disconnection from Source / God / Life that caused me to be a match for a narcissist, and to heal from the horrendous trauma and pain of abuse – and that is why I so passionately espouse NARP as the most powerful solution I know of.

But first this means deeply, deeply accepting that the narcissist and ourselves were on the same coin – just playing out different sides.

Because then we have something to evolve, which equals the power to take charge and change our life rather than waiting fruitlessly as a victim for something or someone to rescue us.

So what were we playing out identically in order to be on the same coin of painful love?

Before you read the real reasons below, I want you to breathe deeply, relax your shoulders, open your body … and don’t go into resistance.

Don’t shut down and contract, because that is the only way your ego can separate you from your heart (the centre of truth), take you over, and start blaming and shaming you for saying this – or cause you to turn on yourself, your parents, the narcissist or anyone else as a result of this self-reflection into your wounds.

Instead, relax your shoulders keep your heart open, and take on the fascination of knowing you are human, we all have “stuff” (look at the previous defunct emotional modelling of our world) so that you know how exciting it is when you find the truth of your internal landscape, because you can actually do something about it and change your ENTIRE life in astounding ways – authentically from the inside out.

If you shove these “bits” back down with shame and blame and contract around them, now you have more pain, your ego goes into a feeding frenzy, and the pain will only keep playing out in your life.

Okay, so what is the coin really?

It is a disconnection from Sourcing Life from our True Source – and the pain, fear, anxiety and unsupported and painful energy that creates.

This completely matches the narcissist’s energy.

Additionally, because co-dependents are not sourcing “self” authentically, they show up in life in ways that make them easily fall prey to narcissists.

Co-dependents struggle with self-love and self-acceptance – they believe their worthiness has to be “earned.” Co-dependents are over-functioning, often obsessive, “I should be doing this or that,” and are terrified about not “doing what is expected of them” and “not pulling their weight”, and “not holding up their end of the bargain.”

Narcissists easily steer co-dependents into handing over effort, loyalty, attention and resources because of these weak spots.

Additionally co-dependents seek approval from others in order to feel whole, rather than knowing their own wholeness, and this is why they don’t lay effective boundaries and limits. Co-dependents would rather keep the peace than risk losing someone who they believe is “helping them feel whole.”

Narcissists come in as the “the answer to wholeness” the co-dependent has wanted all of his or her life, then starts testing the waters, pushing limits and discovers he or she can easily cave in a co-dependent’s scanty boundaries – which is the struggle to say “no,” honour self or leave.

This next point is so interesting ….

Co-dependents opt to focus on other people’s needs and overlook the importance of healing oneself and evolving their already existing wounds.

Rather than going “in” to love and evolve inner wounding, co-dependents keep checking “out.” Making everything and everyone else more important is a classic form of co-dependent self-avoidance.

This completely matches the narcissist’s terminal self-avoidance.

This means, like the narcissist, the co-dependent is suffering a lack of consciousness, which means a lack of self-awareness and self-development. The co-dependent struggles to take responsibility for his or her inner wounds – and of course just like the narcissist – starts blaming and shaming.

It is very easy to righteously declare that the narcissist is bad, crazy and abusive and that the co-dependent is the “good” person and the victim.

Now we have a toxic relationship – dancing a painful destructive dance on the same coin. Blame, shame and pain with NO growth. Both parties trying to force that person into another version of themselves in order to get something.

That is not evolutionary relationship.

The opportunity of evolutionary relationship applies to EVERY relationship without exception. Every relationship holds a promise of healing the participants’ inner wounds – by powerfully reflecting back everything that person needs to evolve and heal within themselves.

That is what intimate “love” is – I will get inside you enough that I will trigger you and likewise you will trigger me. The real question is, “What I am going to do with my stuff when you trigger me? Am I going to take responsibility for it, or I am I going to hold you responsible?”

If I hold you responsible – I am immediately a powerless victim to change and uplevel my own life.

If both parties DO take responsibility for their triggered wounds, and share this with the real authenticity and transparency that ONLY unconditional love and acceptance for self can produce – there is growth, joy, expansion and incredible connection generated – and the highest calling is mutually experienced …

… which is healing and liberation from the inner wounds.

There is no more powerful dynamic to achieve that than in intimate relationship.

If one partner does apply authentic self-responsibility and evolve and the other doesn’t – then the one who does never needs to experience a relationship like that again, and will certainly not remain in that relationship dynamic.

That relationship was the stepping stone necessary to go to the next level.

I hope you made it this far …

I hope you held your heart open enough to feel the truth.

I hope you are connecting to what you really need to do to get well … and how incredible your life will be when you do.

You may need to read this article several times to really absorb it and if so I urge you to do so.

Thank you for reading this article and if you have any questions or comments please leave them in the section below. I do my best to respond to all of them.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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170 Thoughts on The Narcissist And Co-dependent – Two Sides Of The Same Coin
  • dl4732002@yahoo.com'
    Deborah Lowe
    March 13, 2014

    Excellent!!! pin the tail on the donkey!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Deborah,

      thank you – lovely metaphor!

      Mel xo

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      March 14, 2014

      You hit the nail on the head, Melanie! This is s o true! Thank you! Now I know why I have never liked those groups like al anon, etc; they are really mainly just pity parties that keep people stuck in victimhood and those that find them helpful are still in victimhood. Hopefully they will be able to evolve beyond that. Thanks again!

      • vjsternh@gmail.com'
        Vic
        March 15, 2014

        Actually, I have to disagree. Group therapy can be and integral step in the process of healing if used correctly. I happen to get a lot out of it, and I am learning a lot. If the group is directed well, then reflection and growth can happen there as well.

      • vjsternh@gmail.com'
        Vic
        March 15, 2014

        In fact, one could liken this blog/forum as being a type of nearly anonymous group therapy/support.

        • cvvnd@uol.com.br'
          Carol
          March 20, 2014

          Thank you for your answer, Vic! You are so right: Support groups can be vital for the recovering of codependency and abuse. Of course, the dynamics of a support group can vary greatly from group to group, and from meeting to meeting; since everyday you can have different people there with different experiences and sharings. No one intend to go to a ‘pity party’ when in a support group (and to be quite honest I found the term rather offensive), and if the impression you have when in there is that you are either on the wrong group or on the wrong meeting.

          And yes, the forum IS a kind of virtual support meeting.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 20, 2014

            Hi Vic and Carol,

            I really believe the model of ‘support’ can be (not for all groups) a disabling label – IF (and only if) people are stuck in the mindset “I will always be a (label of survivor, recovering addict etc.)

            Then there can be a tendency to stay stuck in the wounding and take that on as an identity, rather than using the wounding as a springboard to evolving..

            The best ‘support’ any of us can ever have is the empowerment and the recovery to NOT continue to need the ‘support’ group – but to instead become empowered enough to become our own Source and go forward to the next lesson and evolution of our life.

            I prefer to think of my groups as ‘Recovery’ groups – not ‘Support’ groups.

            Mel xo

    • susanbfg@neo.rr.com'
      Susan
      March 16, 2014

      Melanie,

      This is a great article. It really hits home. Especially the evil person vs. the good person or narcissist vs. co-dependent. When the narcissist is an 81 year old mother though, there is no hope of change, only boundaries keep me going through each day. Please keep writing great articles!

      • JewelinVentura@aol.com'
        Jeri
        June 22, 2015

        Susan. I hear you on that. It is like you have invested your life so…. But sometimes you have to cut losses. I too had ‘invested’ in my ‘mother’. But I finally woke up and realised she was destroying me. Long story as they all are. I did no contact 2 years ago. I am 59 and she is 83. I had gone no contact at age 40 until 48 and I wish I had remained there. I contacted her when my father (co dependent) has a stroke. This led to 8 more years of hell and the end result was my older sister and her estranging/abusing the other 3 siblings and ultimately led to no contact and us 3 disinherited. Her final rejection/punishment for attempting to rigt the disfunction. It has been difficult to look at it and to even believe it was my life. Until I found Melanie and got NARP I did not even know that other people went thru such hell. I was primed for narcissistic relationships. Now I see how I allowed it to happen and continue. No more. So if your mother is any where near as destructive as mine then 81 could end up being 96 – can you survive that? And how old will you be?

    • bill@openpassage.com'
      sandy
      July 25, 2016

      Narcissists and Co-dependants come from the same wound… the invalidated “self.” So, yes, Melanie… the “Self” (vs “self”) is the way through and out. Great work!

  • louisesherwood8@gmail.com'
    louise s
    March 13, 2014

    thank you for sharing. wise and true I feel. I have followed you for some time. your words ring true. Keep going.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Louise,

      you are very welcome. I am so pleased this article resonated with you.

      Thank you for lovely support – and I certainly will 🙂

      Mel xo

  • pearlmeow@gmail.com'
    Jane
    March 13, 2014

    Melanie,
    I ordered your NARP CD about a year and a half ago when I was trying to get out of my relationship with a narc. I was in therapy trying to fix the relationship and my therapist suggested that my ex was a narcissist and possibly a sociopath. I didn’t really know what that meant so I did a google search and came across your site. I immediately identified with your description of the narcissist. I ordered your program and kept working through the modules. I eventually got to the place where I could say good-bye completely. I started focusing on me and my growth and everything I felt I had lost in the relationship. I’m in a healthy new relationship that is better than anything I have experienced in the past. I feel like I am finally on the right track. Thank you for all your programs.It’s evident you really understand how to show people that they can heal and thrive and not just survive the abuse.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Jane,

      I am so thrilled that NARP assisted you to disconnect and honour yourself.

      What a beautiful tribute you have risen to – after committing to your inner work.

      When we become a ‘new self’, we certainly do connect to and generate / attract a ‘new life’.

      You are so welcome re my programs, and I am just so thrilled they make the difference in people’s lives that they do – and that yours is now so happy!

      Mel xo

  • writingdownunder@gmail.com'
    Melinda Schoch
    March 13, 2014

    This was very powerful for me, Melanie, and I just wanted to thank you for the courage you show in sharing this perspective, knowing that it will likely trigger anger and rejection in some. However, it is exactly what we need to hear, absorb and embrace. Having compassion for ourselves, I believe,goes a long way towards our ability to open our hearts and minds and let the truth do its healing. Many co-dependents, like myself, became the way we are because of childhood experiences in which we genuinely had no power over our abusers. To become people pleasers, to constantly put others above ourselves, to help everyone else before we think our helping ourselves was, at one time, a coping mechanism that ensured our survival – emotional, psychological, or even physical.

    If we understand this and have compassion for that little girl or boy who had no choice, we can then help ‘him’ or ‘her’ (ourselves) become strong; to reconnect to our unconditional loving source and to begin living from that space as we are meant to.

    I have just come out of an extremely toxic relationship in which the narcissistic abuse I experienced was nothing short of sadistic. He actively denigrated and humiliated me for my past childhood sexual abuse; and then, because I developed a neurological disorder,blamed and shamed me for being ‘psycho, crazy, a nut-job, twisted, crippled’…it went on and on. And I believed him. I took on the blame – and then I fought back when I couldn’t take any more. He threw me out of our property and is refusing to mediate regarding settlement etc. He is dictating the terms and conditions of my life, even six months after the marriage ended. I am literally homeless and on a disability support payment. It’s extremely difficult not to feel continuous anger under his ongoing control – a control that is, at this time, actually very real…and has a tangible impact on my life.

    However, I’m not letting it depress me or ruin my life. I’m studying…I’m writing…I’m reclaiming who I am. When I am able to afford your course, I will purchase it and happily work through everything I need to, to ensure I never go through this lesson in life again. Many thanks for you continued efforts on behalf of so many of us who are benefiting from your healing.

    Love and light

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Melinda,

      I am so pleased it was powerful for you.

      Fortunately as a result of my own recovery and sourcing life authentically I know I need to show up authentically – and I have no fear in doing so…

      We are all ‘messengers’ of light and truth when we no longer need to source approval from outside of ourselves!

      Absolutely we were all ‘trained into’ co-dependency. We also have all carried deep in our cellular DNA the beliefs and behaviours of our ancestors – we were wired ‘that way’ – to be co-dependent. The human race has been for thousands of years.

      Hence why if we want to evolve and break free from limiting and painful generational patterns we need to commit to doing the work.

      That is so true that love and compassion for ourselves is essential – we can’t do the work if we continue to self-abandon, self-reject and then keep looking to ‘the outside’ to heal our wounds.

      Gorgeous you are connecting to the young wounded part of you who needs your love and support – you are SO on the right track. (That is one of the processes in NARP).

      It is very true that narcissists go for ‘weak links’ – and find ways to shift blame by focusing on any previous information about us that can be used as scapegoating – and of the course the co-dependent tendency of believing ‘outside’ people are our authorities rather than being our own solid foundational self – caused us to hand our power over.

      That is great that you are committing to you, showing so much courage and being so determined to heal..

      I have no doubt Melinda that you ARE going to Thrive and become the True You you really are – I can feel it 🙂

      Mel xo

    • JewelinVentura@aol.com'
      Jeri
      June 22, 2015

      I went thru a version of this in my divorce too. If you have not done it please make the relatively small investmemt in NARP and work it. This is a terribly depleting time for you and you really need this program. Good luck. You will get past this. Change starts from the inside out if it is to last.

  • crazypants11@hotmail.com'
    Susie
    March 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie. Your newsletter came through at a very significant time: I am currently trying to gain the strength to leave my partner whom I think is a narcissist. I told him today that I am leaving but after much discussion, I am now having doubts. Once again. He promised me over and over that he would change. That he will stop drinking (he is a functioning alcoholic) and will stop lying and other such narcissistic behaviour. He seems so sincere in his desire to change and to work things out with me… He makes me doubt myself – but I also know that this is because I let him. Reading this newsletter of yours tonight made very good sense to me. I understood most of it. I know I have trouble setting boundaries and sticking to them. I also know that I do not fully love myself. I DO love myself but not completely, unconditionally. So my question is – exactly HOW do I attain this true connection to my true source? How do I first identify and then heal the inner wounds I must have? I guess I’m looking for some practical guidance and instruction. How do I figure out what is holding me back from complete self love because I have not been able to figure it out and I have been trying for years. I need to gain the strength, respect and love for myself to trust myself and my decisions. I feel that then I can finally trust what my gut is telling me about my partner and if need be, leave for good. Can you help me?

    Thank you in advance and much love and light to you, Melanie…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Susie,

      I am glad this article was timely for you.

      It’s so important when we understand boundaries and limits to realise words are not actions, and until we see actions we cant believe the words.

      When we have trouble setting boundaries, it is because we have some belief stuck in our bodies (cellular) that was created from a previous young emotional wound.

      We can have fears of abandonment, fears of abandoning others (over-responsibility) fears of being punished etc. etc. that don’t allow us to ‘show up’ as taking a stand and honour ourselves fully.

      I have found in my healing and personal experience that it can be very difficult to set limits if we haven’t done the shift on the inner wound that isn’t allowing us to fully step into our self-honouring power.

      My suggestion to you would be to do NARP. Whether or not he is acting narcissistically because he drinks or does have the personality disorder is irrelevant.

      What is important to understand is that you have your own woundedness that means you have been in an abusive dynamic.

      After working with NARP – one of three things will happen after you set clear boundaries (and you will because the associated wounds preventing you from doing so will be healed ‘out’ of you)…1) He will honour the boundary and uplevel to meet your new Identity 2) He will leave your experience, or 3) You will leave him – and because of doing the inner work these realities will be accepted by you with minimum pain – whatever happens will be ‘right’.

      My practical guidance to love yourself more – is always about doing the inner work. I used to think it was massages, time out etc etc. These are supplements.

      The real deal is this: the ONLY reason we are not connected to Source loving ourselves as Source loves us (our natural state) is because we have trapped painful emotions and faulty belief systems that are stuck in our inner being.

      Hence NARP (inner work) because practically we can’t shift ingrained belief systems, they need to be addressed with a subconscious healing tool to release them – or IF we mentally or ‘practically’ can, it can take, years, decades or lifetimes to achieve it.

      You are so welcome Susie, and I hope that makes sense!

      Mel xo

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      March 14, 2014

      Susie, he will never change. They just get worse over time. If you would like some practical pointers on getting out, email me.
      To really heal you need to get away from him so that you can start your healing journey with as few distractions as possible. You will have to do No Contact and keep it that way.
      “…After much discussion…” of course you are having doubts; that is what he wants. Narcs do not want anyone around them to heal.
      Stick to your boundaries. You do not need any more discussions with him.

  • mommie24@live.com.au'
    Meg
    March 13, 2014

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really needed to read this today. My heart was open to it where it previously may not have been and it delivered EXACTLY the message I needed to absorb. Huge grateful hugs xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Meg,

      you are so welcome, I am so pleased that spoke to your heart!

      Just gorgeous…

      Big warm hug back to you Meg 🙂

      Mel xo

  • nikkibmorgan@aol.co.uk'
    Nikki Morgan
    March 13, 2014

    Hi Mel,
    I couldn’t agree more with the blog. It is also important to remember that it is not a quick fix if you are serious about recovering, I was with my narc from aged 15 years old until 40 years old, when I took the plaster off my wound it was so frightening what I discovered underneath, it took all my courage to keep the plaster off and look at what it was all about, I am so glad with your support I did. Also, when you leave your relationship no matter how abusive it is, there is a natural grieving process on top that you would go through in a “normal” separation, so it is a tough road, you really have to be gentle with yourself and accept where you are without judgment that you should be better by now etc, accept that you have really good days but then feel like you have taken 10 steps back because the ego really does put up a fight when you start to really heal. Like you said Mel it can after a while start to be fun looking at your wounds, I looked in my wardrobe the other day because I finally had the courage to go out, I had to laugh at my clothes and shoes, looked like a stripper wardrobe, I realized that is how I thought I had to dress to keep my husband interested but it really was not me, the fun part is for once starting to find out who I really am, I can say that I am starting to like the woman I am finding 
    Anyway thanks so much Mel I could not have done it without you!
    I am not a psychologist or councilor but if I can help with your campaign in any other way I will only be too pleased to help spread the word.
    Much Love
    Nikki Morgan

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Nikki,

      that is so true there are no quick fixes in life, and developing our own consciousness is not something we ever ‘do’ and then it is finished, not if we want to keep experiencing the joy of expanding into loving life more and more!

      Absolutely the greatest courage we will EVER do in life is go inwards to embrace the wounds that we avoided all our life – all the parts of ourself that we had previously disowned.

      I am so happy that my support helped you be with your inner being and help her heal.

      Yes, leaving an abusive relationship is Universes apart from a ‘normal’ relationship breakdown – hence why we need something so much more than ‘normal support’.

      So SO true Nikki our ego kicks and screams when we start letting of pain and efforting to get well – authentically. Self acceptance and love for all of our broken parts is essential in order to heal them.

      That is so beautiful that you are starting to love you – and you are honouring you, and being able to dress for your own soul – however the real Nikki would love to show up in life!

      You are so welcome Nikki, and I love that I could help!

      Mel xo

    • cerland@bell.net'
      Cheryl
      April 29, 2014

      Hi Nikki,
      When you remarked about looking through your wardrobe, it sounds like you went through a period of time when you were not able to go out. If that’s true, I’d appreciate any light you might be able to shed on where you are with it now, how you managed to move forward (if you have) and anything else you feel would be of value to share. After a 12 year relationship with my N husband, I’ve been on my own for more than 4 years now and am still struggling. I have no other family and that makes things a bit harder. It was only in the past few months I even realized he WAS narcissistic and it has made a significant difference in how I feel; it both answers a lot of questions I wasn’t able to make any sense of before and, somehow, makes the loss much less like a loss and – finally! – more like something that had to happen if I’m ever going to find happiness. But I’m still unable to break the fear(?) of leaving the house. And I know I’m finally ready. Thanks for sharing what you did; it really helped.

  • Frances.shippey926@btinternet.com'
    Frances
    March 13, 2014

    Melanie, this is quite simply the best thing I’ve read to date. It concisely explains the situation I’m in. I’m starting to move on though and will lots of self care and positive thinking I’m making baby steps towards the light. You have been an essential part. I can’t thank you enough for all the love and energy you put into your work. X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Frances,

      I am so pleased this article spoke powerfully to you – as the truth does when we hear it!

      Great you are taking the loving stand for you!

      You are so welcome Frances – keep going!

      Mel xo

  • melanieyvr@hotmail.com'
    Melanie
    March 13, 2014

    Superbly said as always Mel! Very powerful show for me too. Finally I know with 100% certainty I am nor a narc. Sometimes it made me me wonder …May be it is me eventhough I knew deep down. I think it is one of your best show too! Your are blooming Mel and your shows are too. I feel more and more clarity and strenght and power comes through your blogs and radio show . Yey! Just was a great help this one in helping to see the truth. Blessings, Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Mel,

      what a gorgeous ‘side benefit’ granting more distinguishing evidence between co-d’s and narcs!

      I am so thrilled that nailed it for you!

      Thank you for your gorgeous compliments Mel.

      Truly I am starting to really know the incredible expansion of being more and more connected to ‘The Field’ and I know there is so much more expansion to come. I have never felt more alive or expansive, or whole in my entire life.

      But I also know I will look back in 5 years and say ‘wow what a difference now!’

      Such is the incredible journey of releasing trapped painful emotions and getting more and more free!

      I know this is reflecting in my work, as well as every area of my life…

      Hugs! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • pipparoni@yahoo.com'
    pip
    March 13, 2014

    Thanks for this, Yes it is becoming clearer to me why I attract men like this. The last one only lasted 6 weeks and it was during this time that I started to read your blog on NPD and realized that many of my partners have been on the spectrum somewhere. This last one was getting extremely controlling after only a few weeks and the honeymoon stage never really happened apart from a week or two. When I stepped up and set some boundaries and called him out on his lies and showed him where he was projecting his stuff onto me . He dumped me and has had no contact with me since. Thankfully I checked in with his ex girlfriend who basically confirmed all my suspicions. I’m grateful that I have been doing a lot of work on myself over the last year since the sociopath left my life.. I’m still working on my boundaries and grateful that I am very verbal about what I feel is wrong in the world on my facebook page because I’m pretty sure he got scared that I might post something about him and ended it.. PHEW !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Pip,

      how wonderful that you are coming ‘inside’ into the self-power of self-reflection.

      Good job for standing up early in the relationship.

      Take your journey really ‘in’ because you have the incredible ability to nail this pattern once and for all…

      It isn’t just about being verbal and showing up with boundaries in ‘real life’…it is about deeply discovering and uplevelling the inner wounds which have been subconsciously running our life.

      That’s the REAL work…

      Mel xo

  • pbsanford@gmail.com'
    Pat
    March 13, 2014

    Thank you, thank you. I always intuitively knew deep down the problem was mine, beyond self blaming, but I could never understand what was wrong. I knew things weren’t as they seemed but I could not see things clearly, there were so many opposites that would not jive. With this article, it has all come into focus. Thank you so much for the work you do, for the gifts you give, the recovery you share.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Pat,

      gorgeous that you have had that huge ‘Ah-ha’!

      You are so, so very welcome Pat!

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 13, 2014

    Hi Maureen,

    the fact that we even have ‘one’ narcissistic relationship is NO coincidence Maureen!

    We all unknowingly (subconsciously) put ourselves in this position.

    Or rather our fearful inner programs did.

    So, so beautiful your awareness is coming into where you can heal this!

    Mel xo

  • Cecmvanriel@gmail.com'
    Carmen
    March 13, 2014

    Again, this is so true and this article brings together everything about a real relationship, about real love.
    Now i used to be like this ‘ one with me’ but events made me change my ways. Thats my craving, and im hurtling to get over it. No ego here just the painful memories and life events that separated me from self-love. Not blaming but forgiveness. Stil i struggle, how to get ME back, how to evolve, how to let go of the hurt, that really depresses me and how to cut of a narcistic mother that over and over again turns events into her doing. Leaving me devestated as to how can a mother do what she does. Stil! Should i cut her off, in order to have a piece of mind, in order not to be hurried to be exactly what she wants me to be. How can i uplift , let go of that pain?
    i hope to get an answer to that. Big kisses and thank you so much for sharing the truth!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2014

      Hi Carmen,

      I am so glad truth talked to you.

      Carmen, truly have you thought about NARP?

      It’s the inner work – the deep inner work that is the solution. The ‘how’ Carmen is right in front of you if you just take that step…many others have taken that step and it works!

      Maybe you don’t think NARP is for Family of Origin too – it is!

      It is when you shift the wounds you will know exactly what to do.

      This is the deal with confusion – our mind only has the ability to ‘think’ within the range of the inner wound.

      When we shift the inner wound THEN our mind has the answers that align with our new empowered and real truth.

      Most people think the mind controls the emotion – but it is totally the other way around!

      Hence why the inner shift work is the direct path.

      The NARP work IS the answer you are looking for – and you have my email support personally to steer you with NARP if necessary – as well as the incredible support forum.

      All the tools you need to recover at NO risk (full guarantee!)

      With what you are dealing with and feeling – in thousands of cases over 7 years I don’t have any other answer for you.

      And for now – no ‘decision’ you make ‘on the outside’ is your answer to relief – it is all about inner work FIRST.

      Mel xo

  • Pat_carlin@hotmail.com'
    Pat carlin
    March 13, 2014

    Why do I want to send my ex narc a. Birthday card?.
    I have been well for 4 years…he w I’ll turn 80 next w eek. I can’t be lie ve. How. Strong my urge to mail him a note is!! It is. A nasty but cle ve r. Card w ith a cute pic of me. It says…you re mind me of the time. I w e nt crazy. .??? Pa t

  • dolphinhypno@gmail.com'
    Trev Roberts
    March 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    As you know we have worked together one to one in the past and I have to say I am so grateful for this article!!

    I had long since pieced together that co-dependence was just narcissism without the mercenary streak, in fact going through some of the criteria for deciding whether you have been narcissistically abused was scary as hell as I could see so much of myself in it albeit in retaliation. I did often and sometimes still do wonder, was I the problem, was I the narcissist ans so blind and in denial I projected it… still do on occasion… of course that’s probably because at some level I wish I was because than I might be able to fix it and we could be together. Anyway I am so grateful for the article and the confirmation that my thinking was on the right lines. I also notice how aligned your points are with Harville Hendrixe’s Imago theory, makes sense of so much. xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Trev,

      yes I do remember working with you – absolutely!

      I totally agree with what you are saying, and it can be incredibly scary when wondering if we are SO broken that we will never get out of the fractured inner wounds. I used to believe that myself – until I realised just ‘keep going’ this is about bringing in more and more light and literally starving the ego to death…as well as releasing every trapped painful emotion that the ego could latch onto…That became my TOTAL orientation – and it worked magnificently.

      What else is there to do?

      I am so glad the article has helped you!

      Mel xo

  • doobes30@hotmail.com'
    Julie Kruger
    March 13, 2014

    Hi Miss Mel, fantastic post yet again. Much love to you for all the good work you do xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Julie,

      I always love it when you call me ‘Miss Mel’ – so cute!!!

      Love and hugs back darling!

      Mel xo

  • fionola543@yahoo.com'
    wanda
    March 13, 2014

    Thank you Melanie going to print this and keep reading this article that totally puts it in a nutshell the dance between codependent and narc, I can see now that every relationship in my life was getting me ready for my recent ‘big gun’relationship which I needed. I would not be able to write this if it was not for your work Melanie, I now can see I was reared in a narc home me being the scapegoat always keeping the peace, it is so many codependents story I would say an alcohol home where every type of abuse was experienced it sure sets you up for a narc relationship, however, it does not define you I have learned from your work Melanie (after doing every type of therapy over the past 20 years)it is my relationship with myself/source that defines me. Thank you for all that you do and long may you continue! Blessings xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Wanda,

      yes I believe this is the truth and ‘why’ this happened….Fabulous you can see the perfection in it…

      I LOVE you are finding and anchoring in to your TRUE definition of Who You Are – gorgeous!

      Mel xo

  • marciasommers@gmail.com'
    Marcia
    March 13, 2014

    The truths you write about here resonate with me, Melanie. I stopped seeing a ‘talk’ therapist because you helped me see that I needed to heal myself, and constantly rehashing my hurt or my husband’s ‘problems’ was not helping me heal. Now I am in such a better place, no longer a victim, and I find that my ability to set boundaries has revealed people in my life from whom I have needed to distance myself. I didn’t see that I was the biggest part of my own problems. Now I understand, and I am blissfully cleaning up my act. While I do that, my world has been opening up to me in beautiful and fascinating ways. Thanks for all you are doing.

    • coomadoug@gmail.com'
      coomadoug
      March 14, 2014

      I think from your message here, that you might have reached home base…good on ya

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Marcia,

      gorgeous that you have realised re-hashing feeds the peptide addiction – the ego – and keeps us separated from evolving ourselves.

      Ohhhh I love ‘blissfully cleaning up my act’ – that is joyous expansion at it’s best!!!

      Yay… when we go to ourselves with love and fascination – the same energy starts being reflected back to us from Life in abundance!!

      LOVE your post Marcia – thank you fro sharing!

      Mel xo

  • siobhan358@hotmail.com'
    S.C.A.C
    March 13, 2014

    I recognise myself as a co-dependent.I have attracted the Narcissist in relationships and friends.Also I have a sister who has these traits and I spent years trying to be what she wanted me to be and never felt good enough for her.
    I read your article with an open heart and understand the real work begins within me. Self love self worth, forgiveness of others and myself not in a blaming way but forgiveness for not living life authentically and looking always outside for that acceptance and validation of who I am and what I am worth.
    One thing in this article when you say EVERY relationship without exception holds promise does it mean that a narcissist can heal within a relationship that evolves and reflects back at them what they need to learn to grow? Is it not the individuals responsibility to do their own inner work.Can narcissists change I have read so much and everyting I read about Narcissism is that they dont change. I think I need to re-read several times. I know the inner work is important.

    • coomadoug@gmail.com'
      coomadoug
      March 14, 2014

      When you accept yourself and love yourself, with all the washing on the line, you can sit back on the sunny verandah with a coffee. You might then be sitting with a narcissist. The friendship will not flourish. You will not be fooled. You will feel peace. The narcissist will give up and will not be able to use you.
      You might be able to help them change into a normal person. But you will donate your peace and your soul to achieve it.

      • siobhan358@hotmail.com'
        S.C.A.C
        March 14, 2014

        Right so when you have done the inner healing work you dont feel the need to depend on the Narcissist for validation ……and the Narcissist will give up on you because he/she can no longer control you ….your vibrational energy will be at different levels.
        If the Narcissist feels self important are they able to recognise their need for inner healing?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 14, 2014

          Hi S.C.A.C,

          when you are sourcing your life authentically why would you want a False Self to authenticate you?

          There is NO attachment left once you clean up the inner parts that are keeping you from being connected.

          Self-importance at an egoic level means ‘There is nothing wrong with me’.

          Self-importance is NOT self-love and self-acceptance which includes loving every part of ourselves enough to heal them.

          Mel xo

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      March 14, 2014

      Yes, miracle can and do happen every day, but for the most part marcs do not change. They do not want to. Not only that, but there is something wrong with their brains.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi S.C.A.C,

      This is great that you are coming in to profound self-reflection!

      What is really important here to understand is that our ONLY responsibility is to our evolution – not others…By us evolving YES we do offer the opportunity for people to also rise to meet this vibration, but we can have NO attachment to that…

      THAT is between them and Source – it is not our business…and if abuse continues we are NOT evolving if we continue to stay.

      And if we are TRULY evolving we would NOT stay if abuse continued.

      At this stage I have never seem one credible case of NPD healing – but I pray with all of my heart that people suffering from this horrendous mental issue will heal…fundamentally so THEY can find peace and happiness.

      Having said that – it IS between them and Source and it is NOT my job to try to fix them – and it is not yours.

      Our job is to ‘fix’ ourselves – because THAT is the ONLY way to heal the world.

      Mel xo

  • coomadoug@gmail.com'
    coomadoug
    March 14, 2014

    I agree with all you say in this article. I have been through it and I know peace. It is not easy to explain and you have done better then anyone else on the net in my opinion. However I have some ideas.

    Please consider removing God from all text.
    I am not arguing against religion. However, religion is a major factor in the process of abuse in many instances. God is often used as a support and indeed the foundation stone of many instances of sustained Narcissistic abuse of children, spouse and all manner of people and circumstances.

    The next step from this article i believe is an explanation of why relationships between people in recovery from Narcissistic relationships can be difficult.

    I think you might agree that the wisest thing we can take into such things is the knowledge that you have to love yourself before you can love another. You are virtually saying this in the article in many ways.

    Again, please remove God from all of your writings. God is used by Narcissists in countless ways as a pillar of denial. Likewise it is often used by the co dependant to cling to their self sacrifice and makes them untouchable by those who are ready to to love them.

    I am sure that many people are on the edge of self recognition and acceptance. They stumple, or are guided to the true self and it is a shocking and powerful moment. The true inner human being, the emotional inteligance and the imagry and vision of the human heart is indeed a powerful thing.

    Deciding that it is too powerful and too wonderful to be me and declaring “helellujah it must be God” , is the wall that many accept as the end and they never get through to the other side.

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      March 14, 2014

      Why are you so insistent Melanie remove God from her articles? This is her blog and if you would please read as much of her blogs as you can you will see that she is not trying to control anyone through the word “God”, the Word of God, or in talking about God. Yes, others have tried to use the concept of God to control people, but Melanie is not doing that. Reread her blogs with a clear and unbiased mind and you will see that. Also, you might want to re-think as to what your psychological makeup might be. You sound rather like a Narc yourself, and you really should do a spell-check.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Coomadoug,

      I remember many years ago when it was suggested that I read ‘Conversations With God’ I was hugely resistance – I was so anti the ‘God’ model of judgement and vengeance.

      What I discovered upon reading these works was a connection with a version of God that I wanted to believe in – a higher power which ‘partners’ with me instead of critically ‘parents’ me.

      I am no more religious than great writers like Neale Donald Walsh – my orientation is spiritual and completely non-denominational. My belief of ‘God’ is Universal – that ‘God’ is in every moment, every thing – and is the power that creates the miracles of our cells splitting, our heart beating as well as the astounding ‘things’ that make up ‘Life’, and which holds it all together. My version of God is not a male figure in the sky – rather The Field we are all connected to.

      I understand the aversion to the ‘word’. This is my take on this – that whenever we are triggered by ‘anything’ it is showing us we have an inner wound that requires uplevelling.

      And once released we go to a higher, freer and more truer version of ourself – because ALL trapped pain and fear in our body IS something separating us from more fully connecting to The Field.

      This is a younger wound you now have an opportunity to release, because it HAS shown itself.

      Mel xo

  • davidvfuentes@yahoo.com'
    Dave Fuentes
    March 14, 2014

    All I can say Mel is that once you get that book of yours finished you need to get on Oprah’s “Super Soul Sunday” show. Each week she chats with some amazing people such as Gary Zukav and I’ve often pictured you one day sitting across from her. I have long suspected that there was a link between myself and the nercissist whom I allowed to reek havc in my life for over twenty years. I live in the United States and had started going to CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) meetings but it wasn’t until a little over a year ago when I discovered your teachings online that I learned to start thriving past it. I don’t know anyone else who understands the spiritual/mystical connection that occurs between empathic co-dependents and narcs aside from you and when I heard an older radio show you did with Nancy on this topic it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Now even in dark times, that light has helped me use those moments as learning tools about myself rather than just doing what I’d always done before; be immobilized or try and keep busy while waiting out the pain. I firmly believe that your teachings will help others like myself and really just wanted to say thank you. I’m 43 and while my life may not be where I want it to be, I’ve never been happier (if that makes sense).

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      March 14, 2014

      Great idea, Dave!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Dave,

      I would love to talk with Oprah, and absolutely I am open to this message getting ‘out there’ in every way that God / Source / Life decides it will!

      I am so thrilled you are starting to thrive past co-dependency!

      HOW fantastic that you are no longer self-avoiding. That is sooo true – how often did we ‘freeze’ whilst get hammered with pain, or keep going trying to ignore it – rather than JUST going straight to it and healing it!!

      I shake my head so much at the insanity we were conditioned with! AS IF a car screaming would stay broken down in a garage, or keep being driven!!!

      It doesn’t make sense NOT to go to the wound!

      You are on the path to becoming Who You Really Are – (because of letting go of who you were being)- that’s why you are feeling so great Dave!

      Thank you for your post!:)

      Mel xo

  • amankow1@progressive.com'
    Alicia
    March 14, 2014

    Melanie, I just have to comment. I love your articles. They resonate so deeply with me and obviously others. I feel like your insights are valuable for absolutely anyone. I love the concept of seeing the gift in whatever adversity we are faced with and the joy that is experienced on the other side of that. Since I have started living this philosophy, I find myself embracing challenges and change because I know now that it’s a gift and there is no place for fear, only love. The growth received on the other side of difficult experiences is literally like getting wings. I only hope that I am able to inspire others. It’s certainly hard to watch people suffer once you know the truth. God Bless You Melanie, you truly are making a difference.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Alicia,

      it is a beautiful orientation, and does change everything.

      I love what you have written – you lovely people are channelling such BEAUTIFUL messages in response to this article…

      Wow ….’The growth received on the other side of difficult experiences is literally like growing wings’….

      PERFECT description Alicia!!

      Alicia – you already ARE inspiring others…JUST by being you – the TRUE YOU.

      Mel xo

  • libertyadvocate@comcast.net'
    PaulD
    March 14, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    My wife said I was a narcissist. I have a twin brother that I feel has addiction issues, promiscuity issues and other different behaviors than me such as his desire for power and wealth which are not important to me. My wife said since he’s a narcissist and your twin, i am too. Is it possible for one twin to be a narcissist and the other not? Your article struck me because I have been seeing a psychiatrist (together with my wife and on my own as part of marriage counseling) and he said i am codependent likely due the relationship with my parents. He indicated that narcissists and Codependents have similar control patterns with respect to their behavior. I can see how they can be two sides of the same coin. My wife has endured a lot of pain due to my controlling behavioral patterns and neediness. Is it possible that my wife and i could both be codependent on each other? I have joined a couple support groups, Codependents Anonymous and Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families that I feel help. However, you say that joining a group with others like me and constantly sharing our stories does not purge the pain – so how does one see “what our part is” and heal it? What does “work hard” mean to release our trapped painful emotions? If support groups will not aid in me releasing my painful emotions, what do I need to do? My father passed away last year and it was following his death that i slowly came to realize how my parents treated me (and my brothers) was not normal and the way I am has much to do with that. I resent a lot of things. The way I am has essentially ruined my relationship with my wife. I will never allow my relationship with her to be what it was – no matter what happens between us I am grateful that she has led me to finding my true self.

    Melanie, I appreciate all you do. God bless.

    Paul

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi PaulD,

      First of all you can only be a narcissist if you don’t possess a conscience or empathy. Secondly you will only take on someone else’s version of you if you are not connected to your own authentic source and sense of self.

      All toxic relationships are co-dependent, as are all relationships between people who are not authentically sourcing their own self and looking outwards for their ‘wholeness’.

      As soon as someone says “You need to be ( ) in order for MY life to work” that is co-dependent. Additionally if the motives lack conscience, have agendas or are a pathological and nasty projection of inner wounds that are not being taken responsibility for – now we start crossing over into narcissism.

      Paul true healing doesn’t comes from regurgitating stories, it comes from TRUE inner work such as my NARP Program (which included the tool QFH) – seeing a kinesiologist, or finding an energy healer who is skilled and trained at being able to TALK to your subconscious body (where wounds REALLY are) and release and uplevel them.

      Then you shift – THEN you change.

      The mind is controlled by these wounds, and it is like trying to get a servant to train a master…It doesn’t work – hence why going directly to the actual wounds that are running everything does.

      You will not know ‘what is yours’ and ‘what is hers’ until you shift your wounds that are creating confusion – because that is exactly what enmeshed relationships cause.

      Your mind CAN’T work that out until the wounds no longer exist – and then clarity will come.

      Mel xo

  • jickjoon54@hotmail.ca'
    joan
    March 14, 2014

    As the individual states above I nead to re read everything several times to make sure I am understanding (its a lot to absorb). Sometimes I wonder if I have enough time in my life to heal my inner self. I feel like I’ve been working on myself all my life and I find it tedious. I need to find joy and some kind of relief!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Joan,

      It’s actually far less complicated than we think…

      Analysis / paralysis is complicated and intensely tedious.

      Whereas simply going into our bodies – following the emotion down into our body, opening up and releasing it with an effective energetic tool, uplevels it and eliminates years and years and years of ‘trying to work it out’.

      Joan I would have been in therapy for lifetimes (on just a few of my most entrenched issues) if it had not been for powerful ways to work out how to really heal.

      Mel xo

  • maggie.sanmiguel@gmai.com'
    maggie
    March 14, 2014

    Thank you Mel! This is one of the most brilliant pieces I’ve read on your site as it explains my part in all of this so well. My Narc admitted to me (after only 3 months of marriage) that he was in love with his best female friend – he did it without emotion or guilt – then he ran a smear campaign against me for “forcing him to admit it”. Talk about a mind game. There are so many other stories I could retell but what I really want to say is this: Your words have literally kept me out of the looney bin and are granting me closure and healing though understanding. thank you for being here for all of us. You’re literally saving lives and helping us evolve. What beautiful work you’re doing for this world. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Maggie,

      you are welcome and I am so pleased you enjoyed the article.

      Yes that sounds like only the logic a narc could come up with!

      I am so glad my work is helping you Maggie, and you are very welcome!

      Mel xo

  • argen1214@aol.com'
    Nora
    March 14, 2014

    Thanks for all your articles. I am at the point that I cannot take it anymore but the thought of trying something different, which by any means cannot be worse than this, provokes a lot of anxiety and pain. I just want to take my life back since i am a well functioning, passionate person away from home.
    Thanks in advance for any advice.
    Love and peace,
    Nora

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Nora,

      you are very welcome.

      NARP is your answer. And relief can come quickly when you begin.

      Mel xo

  • letsgetfreedomofspeechback@gmail.com'
    Karen Thompson
    March 14, 2014

    You make codependents sound nice, but they are not always nice. I know a severely enmeshed and codependent family that appears very nice on the outside, but they are passive aggressive manipulators and compulsive liars. They freely and without guilt take from others and their enmeshment and group mentality enables them to bully and condemn others. They expertly blame others for their every bad behavior that is clearly their own. They are takers and not givers and they ignore and fuel the dysfunction in their family. They do nothing outside of the immediate family and they are fake, appearing to be such a nice “close” family when there is just as much dysfunction and mental illness as in a family that is not “close.” In fact they use their “closeness” as a tool to show the world that they are better than others, when the reality is that they cannot function without the input of each other. Also I noticed that the parents in this family have an uncontrollable need to control children, even when their children are grown adults. They so much enjoy ordering around children that they had 5 of them, and then took control of two of their grandchildren as well. They call their grown adult children daily and use manipulation and brainwashing to keep their control over them. So codependency is not a nice trait at all, and it shouldn’t be sugar coated like this.

    • libertyadvocate@comcast.net'
      PaulD
      March 14, 2014

      You are right Karen. See my post above. I was not always a nice guy. I didn’t lie but I was controlling and manipulative. I wanted to control my wife and kids. I did nothing outside my family and the family life I portrayed was fake. My dad who past away last year I feel was a narc and my mother codependent. My mom who is in her 80s still calls me (glad she lives a couple hours away) and lays the guilt trip on me. She is still trying to control me and I am almost 50. I do attend CoDa meetings and have learned to love me, find my true self and not be that fake person I used to be. It’s been a long road for me and my family but we are all figuring who we really are and want to be. This is all about healing.

      • davidvfuentes@yahoo.com'
        Dave Fuentes
        March 14, 2014

        Me too,Paul. My need to control and have people act the way I wanted them to so “I” could feel okay made it very difficult for the people close to me. I didn’t see it that way at the time which isn’t uncommon when you’re acting unconsciously. It wasn’t till this past year when I realized what I was doing and my role with the narc. Also, dealing with a narcissist made it even easier to play a victim.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Karen,

      I was describing classic co-dependents…and certainly the ones that usually get mixed up with narcs are ‘nice people’, yes they use ‘manipulation’ but generally it is not conscienceless, or includes pathological lying!

      Narcs are co-dependents TOO, – ANYONE not sourcing self authentically.

      What you are describing IS narcissistic!

      Can you hear how many narc traits you are describing!

      Mel xo

  • galeetallen@gmail.com'
    GA
    March 14, 2014

    “Truth is like gravity – it’s a force of the Universe which is absolute”
    – Melanie Tonia Evans 3/12/2014

    That quote is going in the books!

  • sarahgandkevinb@att.net'
    Sarah
    March 14, 2014

    I’m so glad to see this article. After going through the discarding and listening to all the blame and projection, I honestly wondered if I was in fact the narcissist. I matched the codependent model but the way N’s have of twisting the truth made me feel so many foreign negative feelings. It’s almost like the projection isn’t just about blame and putting their feelings onto you, its almost like you psychically absorb it- almost like possession. It was really scary and I thought I was going crazy. Is this me and I just didn’t know it? I didn’t realize I had so many negative feelings and needs…?
    It was one of the darkest parts of the process when I walked away for good. Now that I am out of that valley, I feel how good my normal emotional baseline really is. I’m so grateful for Melanie and others who strive to educate the masses about NPD.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Sarah,

      Ohhhh yes we do absorb it! Totally, and that is why we HAVE to get that poison out of our cells to recover effectively.

      It is like possession!

      Great you are getting better!

      Mel xo

  • lee.21.hill@gmail.com'
    Sharon
    March 14, 2014

    Melanie, your blogs have been life changing for me, like so many others. I have been evolving through deep seated co dependancy issues for a life time and finally ‘got it’ in the past few years. Your blogs have been the key to finally unlocking the door to viewing my life time of ‘not enoughness’ and making my self whole through narcissistic partners(husbands) and friends. My identity has been ‘ generous, loving, giver’ to everyone, but my self, with a big dose of absorbed narcissism by proxy. After a break down and years of recovery; i’m finally in touch with my ‘true soul’ and everything has changed. It’s like being reborn(painful!) and seeing for the first time. Many lifetime, narcissistic friendships have ended ( a few real friendships have become stronger than ever) Renewal isn’t easy, but I feel truly alive, seeing and feeling for the first time. My three daughters have learnt so much and their lives have become richer through my changes and observations. ‘Getting it…and taking resposibilty’ Is like a pebble dropped into a huge lake and the ripples go for ever. Mel, you are a light shining bright…thank you. Sharon

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Sharon,

      That is so wonderful that you are breaking free..

      Rebirth is painful (and messy) but OMG sooo worth it!!

      Gorgeous you are feeling your rebirth! I also love the flow on effect to your daughters, which is such a beautiful side-benefit.

      That truly is HOW we heal the future generation – by setting ourselves free.

      Another gorgeous expression – “‘Getting it…and taking responsibility’ Is like a pebble dropped into a huge lake and the ripples go for ever….” LOVE IT!

      Just beautiful Sharon!!!!

      Mel xo

    • monamie1111@gmail.com'
      Amie
      March 16, 2014

      ‘Lifetime of not enoughness’ … oh how well that sums up living in codependency and reaching out to others to find wholeness. Thank you for sharing that, Sharon. 🙂

  • sprnzf@aol.com'
    Florence
    March 14, 2014

    I have divorced my narcissist ex husband and remained no contact (except at court) and also no contact with my narcissist mother. I am in recovery but am still in pain and isolate sometimes and fear life and true love, I don’t date and although way better than I was before, I know I still need work on my inner self, with boundaries, healing, etc. I was considering the Quantum course, but wanted to see what your recommendation is. I am in Coda and other recovery groups but I want to create a meaningful life for myself. I am tired of just being a survivor. Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Florence,

      NARP is the vital first step for you…

      Even people who have been ‘out’ 30 years – I ALWAYS recommend NARP to FIRST – because it cleans up the abuse patterns – fear and pain – as well as the childhood and ancestral associations that are all a part of these inner abuse programs.

      And NARP then uplevels by connecting you to Source where those previous wounds were.

      Fabbo you wish to move from survivor to Thriver – that is wonderful news Florence – Yay!!!

      Mel xo

      • sprnzf@aol.com'
        Florence
        March 15, 2014

        Thank you Melanie! Xo I appreciate your work and was very open to seeing my codependency in this article instead of closing up and wanting to deny that I am coming from the same place as the narc-looking to be fulfilled from outside of myself.

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    March 14, 2014

    Hi Melanie, these are a few events that have taken place.

    I would like to know if this limited description is NPD or abuse, or both. What makes me experience stress is the denial and kindness in between each situation.

    Do you think other people would see this too?
    I feel I have moved from co-dependent to setting boundaries which I now looks more like negotiation which doesn’t work with someone like this.

    I will call this person, X.

    X started to put me down, make me the butt of her jokes.

    Then started to say, people come to me about you, they say this and this. I believed her and worked even harder (in the position I hold, in other words to people please those I thought were really saying these bad things) as I thought this was really happening.

    Then X started to say things like no one likes you, none wants you in the group. I will not say what group. It could be business, pleasure, or family. This woman is between 48- 60 yrs old.

    I was mocked, laughed at, etc.

    Then given a birthday present, hugged, and had my photo taken holding the present.

    This person has invited me to functions.

    This person has called each year to wish my happy birthday.

    Then this person points out things she does not like about me, and says, everyone says so too, you know.

    Then nice again.

    If I tried to bring up the things said that hurt, she would say:
    I never said that, why would I say that?
    But I don’t even think that, I thinks this (then state the opposite, positive thing).
    Or I don’t remember that.
    Or you’re too sensitive, you can’t take a joke, you are not fun to be around anymore.
    Are you okay? I am concerned about you.
    People come to me about you, they do, they come to me.

    This started to mess with my head.

    But each time followed by hi, oh I love your blue sweater, where did you get it?
    You can’t help but answer the question- at the mall.

    Then nastiness again- say at a function, she would talk fast to someone, if I spoke, she would roll her eyes, or even throw her coffee cup down on the table and walk away.

    If I make a suggestion, she throws paper down on the counter and says, see how everything has to be your exact right way?

    I was told I analyze her. I even offered: okay how about next time if you think I am analyzing you, ask me in the moment what I am thinking. Maybe I AM thinking about you. Maybe I am thinking, oh no I forgot to put my laundry in the dryer. Let’s test this out and find out if I analyze you at all. She never took me up on this offer.

    The nice and normal again.

    I offered several ways to address things, including counseling, communication courses, assertiveness courses, boundary courses, meeting with a pastor. X said no to all and in the same breath would say everything is so difficult with you, why is it so difficult? It is not difficult with anyone else, only with you. I suggested we email everything that needs to be worked out so it is in writing. Then we could refer back to it. She said no and that I was analyzing her right then.

    Finally a meeting after many years with the group occurred. Mediator present. I shared one example, that X said I was not wanted in the group and everyone says so. When it was X’s turn to talk, she said, I never said that to you, you said that to me, I was so hurt, why would you want to hurt me like that? I told A, B, C, D and E that you said that, and they all said don’t worry we really like you and we want to have you in the group. I thought to myself, WTF??? At the end of the meeting, I said I am not going to pursue trying to work this out any longer. If X wants a healthy relationship with me, she may approach me with a plan to do this. X agreed to do this.

    Not much contact in between.
    I also transferred somewhere else.
    I am being vague with the relationship details.

    I have documented everything factually and chronologically and sought help believing I was starting to loose my memory and for sure my ability to trust myself and what was going on. I have been told the problem is not with me. It took so long to share examples about X. I have only shared about 50% and I don’t think the person really gets the profound impact on my physical health and wellness. I fell like I have PTSD as all this replays in my head and it is exhausting. Explaining to someone who has ever experienced this cannot understand. It is too much to describe, explain, paint a picture of. One night I confided in a friend. 4 hours later, was starting to loose my voice and had only shared about 15% of the 100 or so examples I have documented. It is exhausting. It is impossible to catch and point out to people. It used to be done privately, but now over time, as I increase my boundary setting, the control goes up a notch. This person is convinced they are a victim and claim openly to be – by me.

    Some of these other examples are out of time order, but I add here:

    If I spoke, X would roll her eyes, sigh in hostile exasperation, walk away.

    One time I was yelled at on the phone because I tried to address an insult spoken to me a few days before. I kindly and softly, but not condescendingly said, will you please stop yelling at me. X replied you’re yelling at me, you’re yelling at me! You are always attacking me! Ever since then, for a few years, if I try to kindly set a boundary she will say right then, you are yelling at me. It is like the phrase stuck in her head and uses it in conversation with me, waiting for the moment to say it even if it is not occurring.

    I have set some boundaries such as: I will not be coming to such and such location until this is worked out. The person did nothing.

    3 years later, X called and said she was ready to work things out. We met for coffee. During this meeting, X insulted me.

    Then the next day X emailed me and said I know I need help. I care for you, can you help me? I know I need help. I offered to help.

    We met again. I said how much it meant that X finally owned up. X then said well I wish I didn’t do that. I don’t trust you!! A relationship with you is never going to work. Got up and left.

    Then nice again, like none of the above happened.

    About this time, X insulted me in front of the group. I set a boundary, I said that comment does not make me feel good, I don’t want to be spoken to like that. She exploded and yelled.

    A week later X was very kind on the phone again calling for someone. I gently said, the other day you yelled at me in front of the group. If there is something I have done please talk to me privately about it. She then said I was dangerous to talk to and would not talk to me unless a third party was present. I said that would be fine, and reminded that I had offered a third party to help work through things for over a decade (never an ultimatum). She got angry and said I am not going back in the past!!! I said that’s fine with me. Then X said, you need to get a third party, and it needs to be (and names the mediator at the meeting years ago). I said we have already tried that. It didn’t work. You lied. She was livid. You said I lied!!! She yelled. She then said if you want to line up a meeting with (that mediator) that’s fine, and if not, stay out of my way. (she actually said our way referring to some other people I have no problem with).

    I did not line up a meeting.

    Although I avoid interaction with this person at all costs, from time to time our paths cross.

    Last week, at a meeting X and I were (required, asked) to attend, X said before all parties were present at the meeting, said to me, I want you to leave. You can get this information later. I said so and so wants to meet with us about something. That is what she wants. There is room for both of us here. I added, I thought about what you said. I will not be lining up a meeting. You agreed years ago if you wanted a healthy relationship that you would take initiative to look into who could be present at a meeting. She snapped, who am I supposed to get??? I don’t know who to get??? Normally I would suggest someone. I said, I don’t know what you will do. I said I will also not be staying out of your way. I will not come into your private space. But in common spaces, I will not be staying out of your way. I belong here, too. This person had hatred on her face, sneered, sighed loudly, shook her head and said, you make everyone (in the group) crazy. If I tried to speak, she held up her hand (like a traffic control cop does) and would say, stop!!! stop!!!! no!! no!! you’re interrupting!! Other people entered for the meeting and it began.

    A week later, X called, I answered. She was very cheerful and kind, and it all sounded genuine.

    Melanie, there are kids bullied to death. I think I understand how it feels. It takes the spirit right out of you. It is like this negative energy that tries to infiltrate anything good that I am or have. X wants me, I think, to believe bad things about myself and it worked. Oh- also X says I do such and such. When I can provide evidence I was not even at the location she stated, or did what she stated and could prove it she becomes enraged.

    Is this abuse or NPD or both.
    Would someone else eventually see the behavior at this level and consistency over time, or is it just me.

    How can you set a boundary- if you say anything when they speak abusively it is like they are going to fight for the air space to say it and you better not try to stop it. It is like X is insisting ont me aspects of my character that I eventually started to believe were real.

    This is an unhealthy relationship.

    My fear is that is X has that much power to get my to believe things about me, then X can have the power to get other people to believe the same things about me- they are not even me, s how would they know the difference?

    I am sorry for the length.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi NPD,

      My first question to you is this – Are you willing to work through this publically with me – because it’s not only going to help you it can also help the community?

      If yes – I’ll respond and we’ll get down to it.

      Mel xo

    • bcuerden@gmail.com'
      becca
      March 19, 2014

      Thanks NPD for this amazingly thorough description of N tactics! I think most of us can say we’ve been there. But it is incredible how you managed to capture the tone of the craziness. The damage is cumulative. You bring home to me how happy I am that I am no longer part of that dynamic. I started the NARP program maybe 13 months ago, and my world is no longer crazytown. Please do yourself a favour and get the NARP program. This kind of N behaviour is poison, and it will eat your hippocampus. NARP helps dissolve the mental loops that develop and wire up inside our brains and nervous systems after years of covert abuse. Life, Source and Creator, all things good ARE out there to draw on through NARP.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 20, 2014

        Hi Becca,

        you are so welcome!

        Oh yes we have been there!!!

        So glad NARP has helped you so much – and I agree it is a glorious relief when we are well free of the twilight zone!

        Lovely that you are…:)

        Mel xo

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    March 14, 2014

    *Also- when I said I don’t want you to yell at me in front of the group, X then said “talking to you is dangerous. I will not talk to you unless third part is present. It needs to be (names the mediator). If not, stay out of my way. I forgot to add above that right after I said I didm;t want to be yelled at, that I was told that talking to me was dangerous.

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    March 14, 2014

    *Also this person took something from me. I saw it on her desk. The next time I saw her she denied having it. A month later, I felt it wold be safe to ask. I noticed such and such was on your desk, could I have it back? The got angry I don’t have that, why would I have that! I tried it again a few more months later, same reply. About a year later, I saw the item on her desk again. I picked it up. She came back and said what are you doing? I said look- this is (the item) i asked you about. X asked, well is it yours? I said yes, look, it has my name on it. Okay, X said. The next morning I got an email copied to someone else, that I had stolen something from X. I was able to prove not only by my name but by details that could not possibly apply to her that the items was in fact mine. I show the item. I said in fact I was missing more like it. Others like it were returned to me later, but no apology, nothing. I did not shame X.

  • Barbarabailey2003@yahoo.com'
    Barbara
    March 14, 2014

    This article is great and very empowering especially, when you are receptive.

  • perkinspauline2@gmail.com'
    Polly
    March 14, 2014

    Omg – what a wake up call!!

    I had been diligently doing the NARP programme for about a month, but had recently become stuck on Module 6 (releasing the need to take responsibility for the narcissist), thinking I didn’t really have to do this as I had left the relationship and was doing no contact. I was dithering between doing it and going on to the next module and resorted to my default perfectionist tendency of all or nothing to the point where I totally gave up altogether. Talk about self-sabotage and abandonment! Then I started to feel the emotional pain again and sought relief in being over responsible for everyone around me so that I had plenty of excuses for not doing the healing work!

    Thank you, Melanie, for another timely blog and radio show which I have listened to over and over, as I really need to GET this and say no to the voice in my head which says everyone else’s needs are more important than my own.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Polly,

      Great it got to the core for you!

      That is so true that out stuck egoic programs will give us every ‘reason’ to not go there!

      I had a similar experience last night – tons of work (massive project time) been working VERY hard, and putting in big hours.

      My egoic self says ‘This is fine look how much you get done when you are like this”, but my inner being was feeling anxiety and stress (painful feelings).

      My ego tried it’s best to TALK ME OUT OF going inwards to the painful emotions and releasing them with Quanta Freedom Healing…because OF COURSE my ego WANTS painful emotions to feed from!

      Last night in bed I STOOD UP to my ego, bypassed the ‘rubbish excuses’, went in and did three shifts to release even more painful beliefs as to ‘why’ I can fall back into workaholism…(an issue that has been VERY big for me)…

      Now today I went for an early walk, meditated, had a coffee with a girlfriend, and I feel fabulous.

      I am now EVEN more free and aligned with my True Self.

      I hope this example helps give you the confidence to stay out of your head, and just keep going inwards to do the work that is screaming for the uplevelling!

      Mel xo

  • kdmain29@gmail.com'
    kenn
    March 14, 2014

    hello Mel,
    I cried with recognition of my self as the co dependant person with my ex narc.Then i laughed at my self for my denial and the delight that some one (ie you) could have the skill and courage to write this so that many can at least have a window into their part of the dynamic situation of being involved with a narcissist.To simplify that ,what you have written once again is what i have experienced and i know i have rebalanced my self and healed many of the open wounds that ive been carrying. No longer a victim and loveing myself Just as i am.
    Now the trick is to find someone like this or some one willing to grow in them selves just beause i would like to have a female partner.thank you once again ,for your wisdom and amazing ability to put the words on a page with suchlove and courage to pursue what you and now I believe.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Kenn,

      I so love it when the truth sets us free…it is so powerful.

      Then our job is to orientate our life around that truth – and generate life at that level.

      Kenn, Life supplies us ourselves. Therefore you don’t have to ‘find’ someone – your connection to Source which adores you provides that match as part of ‘heaven on earth’ when your orientation is authentic.

      You also need to be prepared to graduate through all of your old patterns – which means meeting them in the field and this time saying ‘No’…THEN life delivers.

      You are very welcome Kenn.

      Mel xo

  • lfowler2004@comcast.net'
    Redd243
    March 14, 2014

    That was by far my favorite article you have written so far. I am tearing up at the beauty and raw truth of it. Wow Melanie, that is amazing and I keep reminding myself every time I feel the need to reach outside to feel better to first check and see if I can reach inside! I am lucky to have supportive people in my life, and I am learning to support and Li e myself first. Love to you for this article!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Redd234,

      In many ways it was my most favourite one to write!

      Gorgeous you want to reach inside…and know that when there is not much stopping your surrender and connection to the field of Life, you actually will feel like the inside is glowing out brightly into everything on the outside.

      That is what the inner health extending out feels like – and words can’t describe the freedom and authentic power in that.

      Mel xo

  • pparsons2011@hotmail.com'
    Pauline
    March 14, 2014

    I received your first news letter today March 13/14. It is the first time in 3 years that I can say I have felt I had some insight into my personal situation. I have known for sometime that I was/am co dependant but your letter describing how the narcissist and the co dependant dance on the same coin really shed light on things for me. It touched some part of me, there was an awakening. I am hoping that with time and effort I can grow and truly become comfortable with who I am and the way I am. Please keep the articles coming they feed the soul.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2014

      Hi Pauline,

      I am thrilled this article granted you deep insight.

      Awakenings are powerful beginnings – that is wonderful Pauline!

      Mel xo

  • petals1217@aol.com'
    Terri
    March 14, 2014

    This is the best comparison by far. It makes beautiful sense. It resonates in the core of my soul.. Being involved with a narcissist has be a scary rollercoaster ride for sure, but now it feels like I’m on ,the Peter Pan ride,flying high.I finally feel that “self love” is key, and now I understand why, in so many ways, for so many reasons. I suppose we should start to forgive the narc,and perhaps thank them,in our minds,not only will that help set us free,if we do our work, it could be the best “gift ever”given.So powerful Melanie,you are a wonderful inspiration. You are on my “bucket list”to meet you one day,would be a dream come true.
    Grateful for you, Terri 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Terri,

      I am so glad this spoke to you.

      Gorgeous that you are connecting in to the truth about this.

      Yes, totally the highest level of personal liberation and forgiveness is knowing there was ‘nothing to forgive’ – in that ALL of us were wounded children as adults granting each other EXACTLY what we needed to heal.

      The gift is in accepting that – and it IS the most incredible gift ANYONE could ever grant us!

      I am positive Terri one day we will meet!!! I’d love to.

      Mel xo

  • Conniesq@yahoo.com'
    CV
    March 14, 2014

    Dear Melania,

    Just beginning to understand all this… esp. my part of the dance. Going to read again and again and again… Until it sinks in enough to have the courage to face my fears.

    Bless your heart, Melania (as I fondly call you) and may your pen flow continuously… ❤

    Light & healing,
    CV

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi CV,

      that is very cute – Melania – I like it!!!

      My pen, or rather my fingers on the keyboard are flowing and I am very grateful for that!!

      It truly comes ‘through me’ – it is not ‘of me’ (or my limited personality anyway…)…

      Thank you for your lovely wishes!

      Mel xo

  • Jodiedavidson@live.com.au'
    Jodie
    March 14, 2014

    Wow! I feel like my body – mind, heart and soul has been filled with a big ball of clarity and awareness. It’s huge, like an enormous bubble without sides. This article has made three years of reading your blog pull it all together. Thankyou

  • mellymoochoo@gmail.com'
    Melanie . B
    March 14, 2014

    My advice is if your not getting it, then give yourself time. I have been reading and reading (with breaks in between, because it is draining) for over a year now and finally I “get” co-dependency. I have finally linked up the parts of myself that go with it. Like if someone pays me attention I could easily fall in love…or I think they might like me just because they are nice or friendly….desperate stuff. I was co-dependant before my N but he and his family (yep they all band together and play) over the 15 years I was there made it far far worse, and I can even see how they did it. Like they would even put me down or pass judgement on a certain brand/product I would use, “OMG why would you use THAT, I would NEVER use THAT” stuff like that and THAT is ONLY one example……I have many! What I now have to do is go through some stuff, and I also need to dig and remember the time that I did love myself (I know there was a time)this happened during the relationship, but it was quickly knocked out of me…..maybe I wasn’t totally there but I know I was well on my way…..I love that girl! Time to get her back……
    There is sooooo much to process in recovering from this serious mental, physical, emotional, financial, social and down right toxic abuse/relationship THAT IT IS a process…..it takes time. I have 3 kids with my N and I am on NC, but for me to accept NC Ive had to close the “door” on my 15 yr old son whom is with his father. Even contact with my son sends me back into depression, into the N’s twisted web of bizarrness. It has taken me a long time. The only hope I have really for my son is that I seen a psychic and she said “I will have the power is the end”….damn its already been 2 an half yrs with NO end in sight….besides that logic tells me my son will oneday have NO where else to go but return to me. Sorry ranting about my story……..just read here, there and everywhere, buy books……for me I am relieved that it is all finally sinking in……aha!!!!! xxxx ta Melanie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Melanie,

      truly the inner journey is to steer away from ‘analysis’ – because it is the long way around – and to go deeply within instead.

      Here is how we can do that to REALLY find the truth.

      If you sit with a notepad and pen – you can list the events of co-dependency in your life that have hurt – the times when you know you handed your power over.

      Then go through your list and mark from 1 downwards which are the most painful.

      Then start with the most painful. Bring up an event where this took place, and listen inside your body as to where you feel the painful emotional charge.

      Then take your awareness into yourself (where the pain ‘is’ such as your heart, your solar plexus) and ask “How old is that part of me?” and really trust yourself for the answer.

      It is always the young parts of ourselves our previous childhood wounds that carry the energy of handing our power over – because this young part is insecure, fearful.

      When you really trust yourself, you will get an answer such as “5 years of age”. Then with your awareness right in the emotional charge ask yourself “What is this about?”

      Then you will get a vision, an answer….and when you wish to identify the belief as an “I am” or “I am not” answer – you will get something like “I am not valued..” or a myriad of other answers.

      THAT is the wound, that is the part of you that requires uplevlling / healing.

      Then if you are using energetic tools such as QFH (The healing process in NARP) you can go directly to that wound and clear it and upgrade it to a True Self belief of ‘knowing and claiming your value’.

      Then what happens (on that topic) is the next time ‘The Field’ (life) delivers you a similar event – you are now DIFFERENT – you have evolved past that wound.

      Analysis is guessing, just reading books is not the true inner work, because it is not going inside for the real truth – and I hope you can now understand the profound difference.

      Your mind doesn’t hold the answers – your body (emotional path) does.

      Mel xo

  • jawh@comcast.net'
    Julie
    March 14, 2014

    Dear Melanie,
    I had the good fortune to find your website and program a little over a year ago just after completing the divorce process from my husband of 27 years, who was ( is) a narcissist. I am not sure I would have been able to recover to the degree I have without your work, and this blog post really, for me, is the capstone on the whole process. If I could have only one piece of your writing, this would be it! It is so brilliant and beautiful—and true. And, as you said, the truth does set us free! I felt free and empowered reading your post, really coming home to embrace the source within that has led me to do this work and grow. Thank you; and thank heaven for your work! I plan to copy and keep this blog post close so that I can refer back to it when I need to center.
    Love and heartfelt thanks,
    Julie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Julie,

      I am so pleased you found my material and it has been able to help you so much.

      I love that you love this article – in many ways I feel like that about this article too…that it really IS the deep absolute truth.

      So much love and blessings back to you!

      Mel xo

  • jawh@comcast.net'
    Julie
    March 15, 2014

    And, I’d like to add that my life is about me and my healing now, no longer about what my ex did or didn’t do. I am healing the co-dependency! I feel different–physically, mentally, emotionally– than I have in my whole life: full in my heart and empowered to use my voice. It may be true that my ex abused and limited me, but I am empowered when I recognize that, even more fundamentally, I hemmed myself in with my own limited assumptions due to deep wounds. Healing the wounds, I can now live from my true foundation with ease. I have felt hopeless several times during this last 2 years and it is truly a miracle to find myself feeling this JOY and FREEDOM.
    Thank you, again, for your help, Melanie!
    Julie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Yay Julie,

      when we give up victimisation and take on 100% personal responsibility that is when we do begin to SHINE…

      Additionally Life can start supplying us everything BUT more victimisation!

      Ohhhh yes – “Live from my true foundation with ease’…you have it Julie!

      TRULY!!!!

      Mel xo

  • Kareengray@yahoo.com'
    Marie
    March 15, 2014

    Melanie – So much to say.. I could also write a book. At the end of the post about the two sides of the same coin where you wrote, “If one partner does apply authentic self-responsibility and evolve and the other doesn’t…” I’m one whom you wrote about! The single most important reason I left the N in my life was because I felt I couldn’t hear what God was trying to tell me. The strife and anxiety were so intense that was on the edge of a mental breakdown. I couldn’t even think straight anymore, everything was just an emotional response. This he knew and wanted to cause. This would justify his unfaithfulness and way to end it without it looking like it was any of his fault. This way he could say I was mentally ill. All along, he was trying to cause it! Such cruelty. I realized about one year before I left him that what I was going through was the exact same thing my mother did to me. It was through him that I discovered what Narcissism was and the effects it had had on me. I began to see life in the light of the truth. I knew I needed a person to ‘define me’ and to make me feel valued. You have this right. We are loved more than we know. Thank you for being open minded enough to include my faith in God, not just a higher source. Currently I am beginning to see that others have not respected my boundaries. One whom I thought was a friend is angry with me because I asked him to not always try to correct me or tell me I am not handling something right. He will not even talk to me now because I asked him to instead empathize with me about how he could understand how a situation could make me feel a certain way. It feels like there is a large unseen filter and people are making their own choices whether they are going to be my friends or not. If they don’t respect me, my feelings or my boundaries, then they don’t belong here. This is real growth for me! I’m beginning to stop trying to please others in order to have their acceptance! Yay! Never stop sharing. You are a light. Hugs!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Marie,

      that is so gorgeous that you are evolving, have taken responsibility and can see the ‘pattern’ and you are now healing!

      It is so true whatever energy we are carrying as wounds from our childhoods will continue to show up as adults in our relationships….it is an absolute ‘given’!

      The deeper truth now is to go into the ‘charge’ regarding people not respecting you, not hearing you and not honouring you…you really, really can nail that one and clean it up…

      Where are you holding it in your body? When you go into it, how old is that part of you? What is it about?

      Whatever we have currently ‘presenting’ as far as pain or triggers, grants us an incredible opportunity to uplevel an old wound!

      Then when you transform the inner belief / charge – the outer events will miraculously shift all by themselves.

      The outer matches the inner always!!

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    March 15, 2014

    hi Mel. I got my sense of ‘being loved’ through how well I cared for my mom and how well I tolerated being neglected. I needed so little to be ok, I thought this was something to be proud of. I came to expect the same in my adult life. I have come a long way in learning to nourish and care for myself, and to stop expecting others to like me based on how well I care for them, or based on what i have endured. At times I feel like caring for myself is counterintuitive…like I am being selfish, a bad person when I take care of myself. But as I become aware of this pattern and conscious of it, I am getting better at tolerating the ‘bad’ feelings that sometimes accompany self care. Slowly this is transforming, and the ‘bad’ feelings are changing. I see how it has been a distorted view of self care, that has kept the cycle going. I am noticing that a great deal of co-dependency for me is around being strong enough to tolerate difficult feelings in myself and in others. To just let all feelings ‘be’ without fixing them. If, for example, someone does not like the boundary I set, I can be ok with the negative reaction without trying to go back on it, or fix it. I used to do this alot so that I would not be rejected (ouch). Setting firm boundaries can be done gently. I love what I read in one of my fav books the other day, ‘ Be hard on the issue and soft on the person’. I have been afraid to set boundaries in the past because I was afraid I would turn in to my extremely harsh mother. So setting boundaries has been a weakness because I was afraid in doing so it would lead to being rejected. So my sense of being accepted has come from sacrificing myself, which is giving the power to others, that belongs to me alone. Giving up the stories means forgiving myself and others, and accepting that I have the choice to live from the identity of my stories and who others say I am, (making others my source) or from the source of God within… it feels like being reborn in to the person I was made to be. I am practicing putting off the things that bring shame and false guilt, letting go of pain addiction to feel alive, and saying yes to life, and the true source of all that is love. Love casts out all fear, and God is love…and accepting all the parts of who I am without self condemnation is my heart’s true desire. Taking responsibility is about really loving myself at the deepest level, and that is where my understanding of what love really is, is changing. My ability to love is growing and this thrills me most of all. Co-dependencey was a path that was motivated by the same desire , to love and be loved…but now I see the starting point is within me and no one else can give me what I haven’t given myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Ruth,

      what you have expressed is a perfect recognition of how you were sourcing ‘love’, as well as the perfect excuses your egoic mind granted you to only accept ‘crumbs’ rather than the love your True Self deserves!

      Truly Ruth – the slow track, painful path is learning how to ‘tolerate’ these wounds whilst they continue to be triggered – the fast track empowered Thriver model is transforming and uplevelling them, so there is NOTHING left to trigger…

      And being FREE of them..

      Why would you want any less for yourself?

      You have the wound – now you can do something about it!

      Where a lot of people go wrong is STOP at awareness alone…

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

  • rhondaisaacs@hotmail.com'
    rhonda
    March 15, 2014

    Thankyou Melanie,
    this is the first time i have understood. this was written beautifully, not to be a victim. not to blame and shame.
    thabnkyou

  • monamie1111@gmail.com'
    Amie
    March 16, 2014

    This article is a blessing to me, Melanie, and was perfectly timed (I like to think of that as divine orchestration). I will be printing and pinning it to read again later. I am working together with God to dig up a deep root of codependency in my life after the painful end of my marriage to a man who I thought was my soul mate. I now see how, despite the pain, he was a gift to my life because that loss and rejection has forced me to look at those wounds that caused me to look outside myself for wholeness all my life until now. Though my healing has come from discovering who I am as a child of God, I have found your articles and emails so helpful on this journey. Especially this one. So many times I find that the comments to other articles take such a ‘victim’ tone and this article exposes that for what it is ~ avoiding doing the work of healing ourselves and taking personal responsibility for our lives instead of looking outside ourselves. Until we truly know who we are ~ or as I look at it Whose we are ~ we will continue to live in the pain instead of learn from the pain. Thank you for sharing this! It’s huge and healing. God bless.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Amie,

      I love the knowing of being ‘a child of God’ – and knowing THAT love is unconditional, unwavering and absolute, regardless of ANY dynamics that may be going on with our life.

      So true Amie, it is about learning from the pain – and then we no longer need to keep re-creating and re-choosing pain.

      Blessings to you too Amie.

      Mel xo

  • avis185@gmail.com'
    Margaret
    March 16, 2014

    Thank you Melanie for this and all of your other articles. They have helped me see and understand so much. I recently left my narc (again) of 8 years after all of the usual traits – lying, cheating (from day one), name-calling, want/don’t want me, hoovering, lovebombing, hooking back in. At the time I left recently I asked my counsellor of two years – “why do you keep telling me he loves me”; her reply was “because he does, that’s why he keeps coming back.” no the wonder it took me so long to see the light.
    Thank you Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Margaret,

      you are so welcome!

      It frightens me how a counsellor could say that! Goodness gracious, and such a misperception as a result of not understanding how narcissists operate!

      Mel xo

      • avis185@gmail.com'
        Margaret
        March 18, 2014

        Yes, it is scary that a counsellor was saying that to me (and how many others?)even though I suggested he was a narcissist – it always left me with that element of doubt in my head – after all wasn’t she an ‘expert”. Now, thankfully, with the support of friends and your excellent articles I am on the road to recovery.
        God bless

  • mellymoochoo@gmail.com'
    Melanie . B
    March 16, 2014

    Hi my name is Melanie.B and I am seriously co-dependant…….;)
    (it’s a start)

  • toverduin@bigpond.com'
    Tatiana
    March 16, 2014

    Thank you Melanie, I have come so far in my journey in approaching the complexities of narcissistic relationship but this article (& other personal work) is all falling not place for me, that is taking full responsibility for the choices “I” make to be or not to be involved with a narcissist. It is so empowering for me now to source God’s unconditional love over me. Nothing else matters when a person realizes just hiw power they have in making important life decisions. So your message to me is: stop blaming the narcissist & take control of what I accept and what I dontnaccept in this relationship anymore. It really is a major step in maturity (even if it has taken me 50 years & almost 3 years of marriage to get there.) Thanks again Mel x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Tatiana,

      It is wonderfully empowering – and I am so thrilled for you that you have ‘arrived’… yay!

      You are so welcome Tatiana 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Suzyarus@verizon.net'
    Suzanne
    March 16, 2014

    Melanie you are amazing! I love to read your articles. You write so beautifully and I look forward to each and every email I get from your website. I do not know how you got to be so smart but I definately know it was a gift for all of us! Thank you so much!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Suzanne,

      thank you for your lovely compliments!

      What I have discovered is the more I clear my egoic fears and resistances, the more ‘truth’ comes through me…

      I don’t ‘think’ this stuff, it pours out when it sit to type…

      We are ALL connected to Infinite Wisdom – it is coded in all of us, when we get the painful illusions out of the way.

      Mel xo

  • Janbjoerklund@yahoo.se'
    Father of Two
    March 16, 2014

    This i very, very deep and true. And still, although one is aware of these things, having children with one of those changes everything.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 17, 2014

      Hi Father of Two,

      I am glad this spoke to your core.

      Please see a previous article I wrote on this blog regarding Children – it will help you realise what is possible for you.

      Mel xo

  • ewinsor@ymail.com'
    Elizabeth
    March 20, 2014

    Thank you so much for this incredibly insightful article. It has really helped me make sense of how difficult it has been to extricate myself from the corrosive relationship with a narcissist that I was in for so many years: it was that sense of profound recognition. I really felt I had found my soul mate because I felt an overwhelming identification with his core being. He often articulated the same. It was like my wound met his wound; my lost child met his and together we were able to make a whole that could face the world… that is until the micro-betrayals and abandonments began to accumulate and I began to perceive more clearly how conditional his love was. After a time the range within which we could connect and communicate had become absurdly narrow. In order to get that intoxicating feeling of wholeness, I had to hide most of myself and focus fully on him and his requirements of the moment.

    For a person who has spent most of her life feeling damaged and inadequate and responsible to most people I came into contact with, the feeling of groundedness and wholeness I got from him was irresistible – like a heavy ecstatic drug.

    Now I am more able to understand and experience what you mean by that primary relationship to the source. It is still a challenge to maintain the practices that help me to access that understanding, but I am happy to report that I believe I am through the worst of the feeling of lost self and terrible confusion.

    I am so grateful to you, Melanie, for sharing your wisdom. Your writing has made a great difference to my life. I send you my love and gratitude for your generous spirit and insight.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 20, 2014

      Hi Elizabeth,

      you are so very welcome.

      It is virtually identically COMMON for that soul mate ‘feeling’.

      And in many ways it is a soul mate – “I am EXACTLY the right person to show you your inner wounding so you can heal”…

      The problem is IF evolution is not taking place then the ‘soul mate’ becomes a ‘cell mate’ instead.

      We get trapped BY the VERY inner wounding that we are not taking responsibility for and uplevelling.

      That intense feeling of ‘attachment’ and ‘meant to be’ is our inner wounds trying to force the narcissist to fix them for us.

      You see that feeling of ‘perfection’ and ‘solidness’ was the inner child hoping against hope that THIS is the person who will FINALLY fix these painful wounds for me – and in many ways the narcissist HOPES this too for EVERY new idealised target…

      That is all of the illusion that needs to be broken, that only WE can heal our inner – no-one else is ever coming to rescue us from it – yet ironically they really DO because they keep showing us in vivid technicolour what it is that we REALLY need to heal.

      You are so welcome Elizabeth, and I am so pleased I can help.

      Mel xo

  • rmfirefly77@yahoo.com'
    RLauren
    March 20, 2014

    I belong to a group moderated by a psychologist that deals with Mother’s that are narcissists. I stay anonymous. All along therapists have been saying my father was the narcissist. In a recent “drama” with my father I realized he was treating and reacting to me from a loving place trying to help me by reacting to my mothers words against me that came from an envious; controlling; manipulative place. He was all wrong and hurting me deeply by reacting to my mother’s words as if they were true. I will never again expose my delicate underbelly or wounds to “healers” or lady friends or my mother. I never get the help I need. Instead I get envious aggressive responses by their mouths to other women and men. When a man comes into my life he tries to help based on the words of hateful envious people. When these men find out I have been telling the truth all along they are usually stunned and disappear. I am now learning to separate the “healer” from the methodology given me and to heal on my own. Narcissism in the healing industry is rampant. I have been involved and work in the healing industry for decades I see it often. Exploitation of people needing help is everywhere. Narcissistic mothers and lady friends and/or “healers” can often use your vulnerabilities to capitalize on and create/proliferate their own agenda. It is human nature I suppose. I realized this a.m I am really on my own but I always have been in reality. I am going NC with allot of people in my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 20, 2014

      Hi RLauren,

      Ok I wanting to lovingly be straight with you…

      RLauren, there is no ‘outside’…everyone and everything is presenting us with patterns and pain that relate to a wounded part of ourselves…

      Hence we ‘attract it’, and hence it ‘triggers us’..

      You have no ability to control ‘women, men, healers, lady friends, psychologists’ because you can’t, and then because you believe they ‘wound you’ you have no option than to contract, go into ‘shut down’ and disconnect from life…

      That is NOT your soul’s purpose, and is NOT your expansive True Self reality…which is flourishing, connection, openness, freedom and love…(all the yummy stuff!)

      So this is the 180 degree turn necessary to NOT be forced into contraction… ‘What young wound in me – that I have not healed yet – is causing the beliefs “Other people attack me” “Other people don’t hear me” “Other people envy me” “Other people are out to violate / exploit me”?…

      When you focus inwards and heal those wounds then you won’t continue having these experiences.

      And if you did, you would simply speak up and NOT be triggered,and certainly not need to retract from life back into the ‘shut down’ needed to protect your inner wounds – because there would NOT be any…

      Belief systems are powerful – and negative beliefs DO relate to inner wounding…

      What is the purpose of an inner emotional belief system?

      The answer – To generate evidence with Life to create the belief as ‘right’…

      Life isn’t creating the truth – we do with it.

      If we don’t like what we are co-creating with Life, we need to heal our wounding and change our beliefs.

      Mel xo

  • jerseyferretti@gmail.com'
    Chris
    March 20, 2014

    Such a powerful post. Thank you for writing this Mel…truly opened up my eyes to sooooo many things. In particular, I was actually moved to tears when I read this:

    “True self-love and self-acceptance is living a life of authenticity – which entails admitting, accepting, sharing and exposing our weaknesses (because we love all parts of ourself) and accepting, supporting and loving other people’s flaws too.

    It is the knowing and excitement that eternal growth and evolution is the utterly BEST part of being human, it’s the coolest stuff to share, and it’s what makes our life journey so magical.

    Why is it so magical?

    Because we get to experience the utter joy and bliss each and every time we expand.

    If we aren’t releasing our wounds (our fearful, scared, stuck inner parts) and expanding and uplevelling our life – life is dead. That’s what depression is…

    Expansion and Evolution is Source / Life / God in action, and it is us – it is Who We Really Are.

    If we are not living as Who We Are – we don’t integrate, we don’t ascend – we disintegrate – and that hurts us profoundly.

    So when we ‘see’ ‘know’ and love and accept ourselves as Source / Life /God really does, we stop trying to source ourselves from stuff and people from ‘the outside’, and we come back into our bodies being a calm and whole source to ourselves.”

    So powerful. Thank you for opening your heart to us 😉

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Chris,

      You are so welcome…

      I am so happy the truth moved you like that!

      The truth does set us free 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    manuela
    March 21, 2014

    Hi Mel,
    I understand you saying that we must heal inner wounds otherwise they keep presenting on the outside. And we keep getting triggered. But I wanted to ask you, how did our parents(especially our narc parent) manage to do SO much damage to our psyche. Every negative and otherwise belief system I have or how I view myself has to do with they way my narc mother raised me. How can I undo all this! Anyway now I am alone. It would have been nice to meet and sit and talk with my mother. I am such a warm person and loved my mother and my visits to her and would spend whole day at her house. Ive been cast out. Yes im being negative its my only defence. And we are sad broken and as my narc mother would say people DO become bitter of their life events. How can you not? My sisters have my mother. I do not. Of course im bitter.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Manuela,

      if we did not receive unconditional love we took on the messages of disconnection from Who We Are.

      We can undo ANY inner wounding – by using the technique that energetically reaches into the wound and shifts it out of our body – and then we come ‘back’ to our True State.

      In ‘your mind’ of course you are bitter, hurt and victimised.

      What happens to all of us is – we have inner wounding trapped in our body. If we don’t get it out – our ego (mind) creates ‘defences’ around it.

      The defences are full of blame and shame and unworthiness, and this is how the ego ‘tricks’ us into keeping the pain going.

      How you heal this is with NARP – do NARP and you will bypass your mind and be released from that toxic cycle…

      Mel xo

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    manuela
    March 22, 2014

    Hi Mel
    thank you for this. Makes so much sense to me now. Where do I get NARP from?

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    March 24, 2014

    Hi Mel, I am thinking about it! Can I ask you a few questions, privately first, regarding privacy, before deciding?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 24, 2014

      Hi NPD,

      of course!

      And we can do all possible to maintain the sacredness of you confidentiality.

      Mel xo

      • paulie22371@aol.com'
        Paul
        September 23, 2016

        Melanie did you ever respond to NPD publically?

        It’s amazing the similarities in his story and mine.
        I would really love to hear your take on it. I would also love if you could answer a few questions?

        1)Could two co-dependents in a relationship fighting in a power struggle look similar to a narc and a co dependent

        2)Could two Narc’ s in a relationship in a power struggle look like a narc and a co dependent

        3)Could I be the Narc and her be the co dependent

        My story mirrors NPD’s story I just want to add that the first 2 years were amazing. She made me feel like the luckiest man on earth. Telling me we were soul mates and I agreed, it was uphoria. Year 3 I started to catch a few lies , than a few hundred lies than a few thousand lies. By year 4 she started call me a narc as I just begged for honesty from this moment foward. I never go it. We’re in year 8 and to be honest I started verbally abusing her back. After reading the Narc / co dependent two sides of the same coin. I feel she is the Narc and I’m the unconscious co dependent up to year 3. From year 3 on i feel i outed a covert narc and became a conscious co dependent that was still holding on to a soul mate fantasy I couldn’t let go of. I’m the end the last 3 years I feel like we’re both narcs see who can verbally abuse the other more or one up them. I always start off with a whisper voice and ask what did I do. Because I didn’t do anything I would get the answer , everything…we just don’t work….and she would ask to just end it. Using the relationship as a pawn. Day every hurtful button she knows hurts me and she is good it. After days of abuse I gave cave and verbally assault her back. I am sadistic in my verbal abuse. Deep dark and melious as I hurt her back. Have i turned into a narc as well.

        After reading the coin 3x I am going to just make a decision to own my pain and not attack her back. Feel the pain I feel know I feel that way about myself know that I’m a good person and realize I shouldn’t feel that way. I want to evolve!
        I’m hoping maybe she is co dependent as well which is why I asked question 1. I love her so much that want to evolve with her, I think I’m reaching for straws. I know she is a narc and narcs can’t be awoken.

        Lastly do you have any one on one coaching call plans.

        Thanks again I learned a lot from you

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    Taylor j
    March 29, 2014

    Hi mel,
    Why does it appear that narcs are the ones with all the friends. My mother didn’t atone, repent or heal her inner wounds. She projects,gaslights and is generally abusive. Yet she had a long marriage to a co-dependant(‘inverted narcissist’)gone straight. Why do some people and narcs not make amends with their past but can successfully ‘exist’ ‘be’ in life. And I can’t. They came from abuse so did I. But they can move on and I can’t. I dont get it!.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2014

      Hi Taylor,

      If you consider having a gaping painful empty hole as an inner self which requires constant narc supply to feel ‘okay’a success Taylor you are missing the point..

      Narcs have ‘minions’, they need supply – period. Are they heart-felt authentic and evolutionary friendships? – No.

      The even greater point here is Taylor your focus is on your mother instead of yourself. You have no control or say in whether she has 1000 friends or no friends.

      When you are holding what she did or does or has or hasn’t responsible for your well-being it means two things – you have handed her all your power and 2) you are not focused on evolving healing or up-levelling yourself.

      That’s why YOU are not moving on.

      Mel xo

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    April 2, 2014

    How wonderful – This coin is beautiful. Narcs come into the world in such suffering, but as a result others of us grow free. Narc – may you be blessed in your journey, if you wish it. Go in peace, if you wish it.

    I am utterly grateful Divine Love holds the kids and I, in deep connection. I love feeling freedom and joy. I love feeling.

    Thank you, Mel, for your astonishing work & gift to us.

    Valerie

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    Jee
    May 10, 2014

    Hi Mel, How can I email you privately?

  • e_dorham@yahoo.com'
    Edward
    July 19, 2014

    Melanie, I just want to say thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU!!!

  • geosuzcar@yahoo.com'
    Suzanna
    September 10, 2014

    Hi, my husband(recovering addict/narcissist/co dependent) and I (codependent) realize. By that I mean….we realize who we are, and now , having read this article, are thrilled at the wisdom and truth you have expressed.
    He and I are 32 yrs married. We have love for each other. Finally we were beginning to connect, then husband gets the boss from hell. He recognises both sides of the coin, yet with this boss, he is the codependent. We laugh and we cry about this turn of events.
    We are unsure which product(s) to obtain to help us “deal” with the beast of NPD. Could you direct us?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2014

      Hi Suzanna,

      I am so pleased my information is helping you both.

      Definitely the NARP Program is the starting place for all of us healing abuse / abused / co-dependent issues…

      I would us this Program to work on releasing any fear / pain / trauma from the past…

      It can be used on those parts from childhood, any other previous people and even each other – as well as present painful people.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

  • rgabi11@gmail.com'
    Gabriella
    September 10, 2014

    Thank you Melanie for this great article!
    I’ve been wondering for the last 10-12 years why I keep running into man being afraid of their feelings and intimacy. When I’m so willing to give my Self away…
    Lately I came to the same conclusion: I wasn’t living my own SELF.

  • The_blyths@btinternet.com'
    Poppy
    November 2, 2014

    Wow. I cannot begin to describe how valuable your words have been to me. I walked out of a work situation recently with a boss who I have since discovered had NPD. I have been very ill, had a nervous breakdown and wanted revenge. I have now started new job so the obsession is diminishing. However, your words make me realise what is was in me that made me the CD. It also helps me avoid those patterns again. I count my blessings it was only at work and only lasted a year. My husband is wonderful and has helped me get through it. I now need to think and act on your advice to move on fully! Thank you SO much. I still struggle with others not realising what he is and the lies told about me. I live by the thought that others will judge us both by our actions and not by hearsay.

  • kimbells@sbcglobal.net'
    Kim
    May 6, 2015

    I somehow stumbled upon this article and so resonated with all of your words.
    I am not and have not been in a relationship with a narcissist, but regardless, your words here about holding someone else responsible for our feelings rendering us powerless and keeping us from upleveling our own lives – and your words about an intimate relationship — triggering each other (inevitably), and having the ability to ask ourselves “what m I going to do with this stuff now?” Wow…this was powerful for me. So happy I found your blog!

  • nychoekyi@gmail.com'
    Choekkyi
    June 9, 2015

    Thanks a lot for this! i´ve been struggling with precisely the question: why and how does the “exchange” of selves happen, although, being the adult daughter of a narcissist, i observed that when not being manipulated into the narcissist mold, the narcissist uses brute force, heavy verbal abuse and denigration (including allusions to murdering) to virtually force the co-dependent into self hatred and fear, perhaps above all by self blame for victimization, by which one then, has an internalized narcissist – as if part of her stay within oneself. What puzzples me most is the ensuing copying of oneself by the narcissist (mother): if i can´t force you to be me, i´m you to start with and you will ever be empty & powerless, so to speak. Strange scenario!

  • annekatrinefrederiksen@gmail.com'
    Anne-Katrine
    November 7, 2015

    Dear Melanie
    Interesting article…
    In my earlier pursuits of finding help to break free from narcisistic relationships I ended up with therapists and coachs with insensitive and controlling behaviour….
    how Can I be sure youre not?
    Sincerely
    Kat

  • 13ava63@gmail.com'
    Ava
    December 1, 2015

    I really want to be OPEN and connect to God Source so that I can feel what it is like on a regular basis to love myself. I feel so addicted to feeding my EGO. I feel afraid that letting go of this false self/ego that I have created will leave me staring at a pile of burnt out ashes that I call myself. A few years ago, during a session with a hypnotist, I saw a glimpse of how I am SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS facade of me. During the hypnotism session, I saw myself as my precious 5 year old self. I stood in the living room of my childhood home where sexual abuse had taken place and I spoke up to my childhood abusers and told them clearly that “you don’t realize that I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS”-AND I FELT IT. I saw and felt the vision of a bright beam of light that came out of my center and flowed upward and out of my dingy and depressing childhood home. The powerful light flowed up to Source and I knew that my little body was such a small human manifestation or extension of who I really am. SO HUGE, SO UNLIMITED, SO POWERFUL, SO TRUE. Having said that, why haven’t I kept the feeling of this TRUTH alive in my daily existence? Is it addiction to my EGO, peptides, victim mentality? I know that I am on a journey and that my “abusers” are actually my blessed gurus. They are teaching me on this journey of life. I actually feel in my gut and believe in my head that my “abusers” and I “signed up” for these dysfunctional roles with one another when we were in spirit form before we came to inhabit this current human life. We agreed to give each other the gift of these lessons knowing that it would be painful but that we wanted to experience the “dance” with each other. We agreed to the “dance” because we really wanted the lessons. So why haven’t I learned yet? Why haven’t I freed myself? I guess the disconnect is that I am living in my HEAD/my thoughts and terrified to FEEL. I pray…God, give me the courage to be willing to FEEL and love and accept my feelings!! I must already have a hidden source of courage because I am registered to join your webinar in the beginning of December. I want to stop judging myself for not being healed already.

  • Danielleplh@icloud.com'
    Danielle
    December 23, 2015

    Wow! What a great read from a truly enlightened perspective. My heart and soul needed so desperately to read this article! I have finally after almost 6 years decided it was time to face the truth and walk away from a toxic relationship with someone who I believe has NPD. I plan on rereading this many times over. I have left so many times before, but for all the wrong reasons. Your article has truly given me an inner power that I didn’t realize I had before. So thank you. :-))

  • sheli34@live.com'
    Michelle
    January 12, 2016

    Melanie, I am hoping you can help me. I have read your article and I have witnessed so much of this and have been reading quite a bit. My 18 yr old daughter was engaged up until 10 days ago to a 19 yr old co-dependent son of a narcissist pastor. The couple had been going to relationship counseling with a Christian counselor for approximately a year at my daughter’s request. The father of this guy has manipulated, controlled, and lied to them, has been beyond hateful and intentionally emotionally harmful to my daugher and the son also has lied to protect his family and their reputation. My daughter has gotten quite a bit of healing from the counselor and has been following her advise. The son just went along with the motions of nodding his head in agreement. The father has devalued his son’s life right in front of my husband and me on 2 separate occasions. The son acknowledged to us and my daughter that he feels his brother is his fathers favorite. The son has issues with addiction, previously video games, recently pornography. Since the brother’s engagement just 1 month ago, the son has been pulling away slowly, taking his belongings, not showing any interest in life, not visiting his parents, hiding conversations with family who tell him she is the reason for his unhappiness. BTW, son lives with my daughter’s uncle the next street over. My daughter all but begged him to seek counseling and he even found an excellent counselor which we offered to pay for (he is still in college) Things were strained during the Holidays but my daughter is strong in her faith, convictions and self awareness. She and the son were to have set boundaries, but as you state, son is very weak in keeping them. She went to family gatherings, and things went cordially. Out of the blue for her after Christmas, son states he is not going to counselilng, there is nothing wrong( was dx as depressed last year and on med, dad said no need for med so he went off) Dad doesn’t like labels. Brother told him if he’s unhappy to dump her. We told him to go, get out. We have supported him and this relationship at the expense of my daughters mental health. We found out couple hours later that he came into our home when we weren’t here and took items of his that were packed for their future home together. He got into our safe looking for her engagement ring and took the wedding band. We went to Uncles house and confronted him and found he had the pornography items in his closet. We begged him to go to crisis based on the reaction and extremes he was at to protect his hidden secrets. after the 5th attempt to get family to get him help, they took him ( only because my daughter had to disclose something that happened which he could be prosecuted for and family knew it would destroy them) Crisis medical doctor said he is depressed, aligned mental health appts. now 11 days later, still no appt. Son says he didn’t want break up, he has no remorse for coming into our home and violating us in that manner, justifies behavior with anger, contest of who hrrt who more, blames her, no appts have been made thus far. Only stay at parents house for 3 nights and is now back at daughter’s uncles house. Daughter talked to him just two days ago, She told him she would walk through this horrible journey with him, he says he is too angry and has to fix self. She responded she absolutely hated him last year, but her love of him and their relationship caused her to get help. He cannot say that she is the most important thing in his life but he wants her to remain “friends” if he can get better ( friend card), he needs her, he wants her in his life, etc It is so sad to see this boy’s true heart being killed by his unhealthy mind. What do I do???? As a Christian, we have never judged him, we have prayed for him and have only sought to be supportive, but it definitely feels like we are being used. I question if this guy has ever had a relationship with God- it seems he just went through he motions to please dad. My daughter has severed the relationship and I am afraid of his mental well being. I am afraid he will think she is coming back. I am questioning if he used this engagement to get some sort of recognition from his Dad. I am convinced he is even more miserable than before. His only sense of connection with others is via Facebook ( siblings and cousins are all out of area, except one older cousin) Please just give me some sort of advise or assurance that we have done the right things.

  • paul.kolecki@gmail.com'
    Paul
    January 14, 2016

    Thanks for this. It helped clarify a few things. I was in one abusive relationship after another, mostly played the role of the codependent. It wasn’t until I held up a mirror and began to heal within that my life began to change. Visiting family now, I can see the dynamic. When my mother was complaining about my narcissistic father, in instinctually said, “Like attracts like” which she didn’t like. I began pondering this and looking for other takes on this and stumbled across your article. Reflecting back on my own life and looking at my family after healing myself, it’s very clear now. I never knew life could be so enjoyable. In a way, I did have to die to go to heaven. My old self, my needy self, had to die, in order to let my real self blossom.

    • annakulpa@hotmail.com'
      Ania
      February 19, 2016

      Thanks Paul, I’m at the ‘afraid to let the old self die’ phase. Good to read your optimistic words. Ania

  • annakulpa@hotmail.com'
    Ania
    February 19, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    I think I’ve had abuse in the past – the charmer who people think is wonderful, being cold and neglectful to me the minute he’s away from the spotlight, then blaming me. I don’t think my current partner would qualify as a narcissist – he’s certainly not an abuser, like previous partners of mine (regrettably). But there are some traits, like blaming me when he’s behaved inappropriately and being quite insensitive when I’ve been in distress. In any case, its not an ideal relationship and I have been struggling to leave. Interesting, since I finally said I’ve had enough, he’s become much nicer and more attentive – is this real, or part of the narcissistic game?
    But, to the point – this article made me feel uncomfortable and afraid. I recognise the codependent – the neediness and desperation, embarrassingly poor boundaries. Reading the narcissistic bit sounds like me too, trying to control and manipulate them to get them to’love’ me. Oh the shame, the cringing. I know that recognising it is the first step…
    I feel sad too, having to admit that longed for ‘love’ I’ve wanted since childhood is not ‘the answer’, afraid I’ll never get to love.
    In many ways I’ve come a long way. My partner is not the worst – if we worked on things together there’s a chance we could both grow. I suppose I’m wondering if your programme is for me. I’m not with a violent, abusive partner who I should leave for my own safety, but rather with another wounded individual like myself.
    I think I’m answering my own question here… I need to read more of your blog, about the healing techniques.
    Thanks so much for your wonderful blog. It has helped me a lot already, Ania x

  • cbeckham@mail.umw.edu'
    Christina
    July 19, 2016

    Wow! What a read.. so spot on and I needed to hear that incredibly..not sure if you’re still even responding to comments since this post is a little older, but I’m in the process of leaving this type of relationship, yet I deeply care about my partner still.. So my question is, do I leave with no explanation or should I show him something like this or maybe tell him in a “gentler” way that he is this way? I now know it’s not my duty to resolve his issues, but I have hope that he will one day, but maybe someone needs to open his eyes to this behavior? Or does he know already… just not sure- thanks again for you words!
    Christina

  • ajseyder@hushmail.com'
    Amanda
    August 26, 2016

    This is the first time I have understood the dynamic attraction and pull between a narcissist and co-dependent. Thank you Mel for writing this article and explaining some complex stuff in an engaging way.

    I had Ahas throughout, light bulb moments flashing! Now I understand why I unconsciously handed my self over to my narc ex-husband, and why we got stuck in a toxic dance – since recovering from two rounds of ovarian cancer (13 years clear and counting!) while in the marriage, I started my journey of self-discovery healing my wounds. He did nothing. Now I understand why my journey was so threatening for him! Honestly, I just never got why before! The moment I started to become more authentic and spiritual, finding meaning not in the flashy jet set lifestyle we had, but in the simple things in life: good conversation, shared experiences, sharing myself, and always longing and hoping he would be able to do the same, to find that mutual connection, he turned away from me and just got more and more angry saying I abandoned him! Now I understand why.

    Through listening to the healing modules I am starting to make some big internal shifts, and beginning to understand what you mean by ‘up levelling’. I had found an authentic self after the cancer through art and writing, but because the marriage was toxic I couldn’t truly be myself, and certainly couldn’t find a mutual connection with him that felt whole or healthy. Now I’m getting divorced from him, and doing the NARP healing, I feel I am taking my journey to a whole new level … this is very, very exciting!

    For the first time in almost 25 years I feel free and liberated, and am starting to realise that it’s ok to take care of myself, I don’t need him to take care of me, or order my chaos, I am learning to practice good self-care, and be self-accepting.

    Thank you so much for creating this recovery programme and community. I am so grateful to you.

  • Smcoolem@gmail.com'
    Joan
    November 1, 2016

    Hi there!
    Your work has resonated with me in a huge way recently; thank you for sharing your insight & wisdom!
    I have a question about what you spoke of towards the end of this article regarding a couple healing their wounds together. It was something that I wanted desperately in my last relationship, after I realized how emotional damage from our past was making out partnership unbearable. However, my boyfriend did not want to commit to therapy, or even to much introspection/communication on the matter. I feel heartbroken because of this fact, & often deeply regret not pushing him harder to start down the road to healing (I felt like it wasn’t my place to make him do anything he wasn’t ready to do, but maybe I should have been more firm). I guess my question is: is it truly possibly for a couple comprised of a narcissist & a codependent to heal together? Or would both parties need to be closer to the end of the codependent spectrum in order to do so? I guess I just feel so much regret that we were not able to grow & change together, but I wonder if it was even a possibility.
    Thank you!

  • Helenbyrne512@yahoo.com'
    Beh
    December 16, 2016

    What’s the difference between seeking narcissistic supply and trying to get someone to validate you?

  • Allinowicki@gmail.com'
    Alli
    February 14, 2017

    In one article you mentioned co-dependents connecting with narcissists after years of being single. Why is that?

  • Elliotgb@yahoo.com'
    Gary
    April 7, 2017

    I was in a 1.5 year relationship with a Narcissistic Sociopath.
    The beginning was just as described: love bombing, idolation, making me feel as though I was the most important person in the world to her.

    Her drug of choice to intoxicate me was sex. It was off the charts good and I was hooked. I got all the expressive love notes, good morning and goodnight texts. She even went so far as to draw all over my body with hearts and phrases warning other women to stay away.

    She made up a detailed list of things she said we would do; make love under the stars, go camping, take trips, etc.
    The only thing that came true was the love under the stars part.
    She was totally uninhibited in her life and served to cause me embarrassment on more than one occasion.
    I called her out on the very 1st incident that happened at a party.
    She shut down, went silent and the next morning I found the necklace that I had given her on my side car mirror.

    Seeking to reconcile and keep the relationship going, I sent her beautiful flowers and a handwritten apology.
    Yeah….stupid me…..apologizing to her for her transgressions.
    She was the heroin and I was the vein.

    Our relationship continued with me lavishing gifts, dinners, flowers, etc. upon her.
    Interestingly enough, she never wore anything I gave her.
    Her gifts to me were rather mundane and the words on valentine cards were not expressive.

    The mirroring phase also began. I loved feeding birds and tending gardens, so she bought tons of plants and put up feeders at her place. Within a month or two, most of the plants were dead and the hummingbird feeders never filled.
    I thought it strange, but never questioned her, just assumed she was lazy or bored with it.
    I think she actually had “deny/discard” working in a microcosm with the hobbies that I enjoyed.

    She loved makeup and would spend hours getting ready to go anywhere and then would take pics of how great she looked. Took her to a Star Wars Burlesque show once. Classy kind of female strip show (not entirely naked).
    The announcer asked the crowd for two girls to come on stage to do a seductive “light saber” dance.
    Guess who one of them was. Yep, my ex gf!
    She thrived on attention and always needed center stage when she was able to take advantage of it.
    I suspected she was also bisexual but never called her on it because I knew she would rage and shut me down.

    Fast forward to this year. She had ACL surgery. Guess who nursed her and filled her ice pack every night.
    Yep……stupid me. I was hooked.

    Now, all of this time, I maintained my own residence and would generally go there on weekends and come back to my place. Not long after, she needed help with the kids, so I temporarily moved in to aid her.

    The time was spent making her sandwiches while she sat on her fat ass and asked for more.

    The past month, my Taurus sense kicked in. Something was not right. Her kisses were not passionate and the sex went from 60 to 0. I held it in, not wanting to confront her and lose her. Then, one day, we had a minor disagreement. I simply asked her if she had something going on. She melted down on the spot and said she was stressed.
    I left to cool down.
    An hour later I get a text: “it’s over for me, please leave”! I tried texting back but she would not answer.

    Same afternoon she unfriended me and my friends on Facebook and changed her status to single.
    Next day, she was back on the website where I had met her.
    Changed her profile to say that she was back after a “long break”.
    Yeah, that’s all I was to her; a break.

    I was torn and twisted for almost two weeks.
    I prayed to God for peace of mind.
    I wasn’t eating or sleeping and was an emotional wreck.

    Like a bolt out of the blue, I was contacted by other people that she had done the same thing to.
    One person said she was a Sociopath.
    She was worse because she combined that with narcissism.
    That letter I got from the other victims liberated me instantly.
    I found this site and have done a ton of reading and it’s been enlightening.

    Thanks everyone!

  • officiallysiri@gmail.com'
    iris
    April 23, 2017

    “It is very easy to righteously declare that the narcissist is bad, crazy and abusive and that the co-dependent is the “good” person and the victim.”

    Somehow i disagree with this.i had a Narc Boss who played mind games with me, dumped all his negative emotions, even sexually harassed me. I was choked amidst all this and was not able to put a stop to his bullshit. I do acknowledge my inability to look inside me, i was raised by a Narc mother.
    But what my boss did to me IS bad, crazy, and highly abusive.

    Even goes for a child who is raised by Narc parents. They are supposed to nurture the child, not abuse them. We are the victim technically. Cause a child knows nothing.

    I agree once we dig deeper into ourselves we can’t hold on to the victim part. Cause now we are aware of why things went horribly wrong in life.
    But that does not mean the narcs weren’t crazy ,bad\abusive and we weren’t victims.

  • greycat800@yahoo.com'
    Linda
    April 24, 2017

    I just found your website and I’m very happy and impressed. I recently left a marriage to a narcissist who I had been involved with twice – once in an affair and again years later when we met again and got married. I believe my situation is a little bit different this time since the second time around when we got married, my issue was not abandonment because we had already been through that before. This time, my issue was more about recognition and respect. So, almost on a daily basis when he threatened to divorce me or threatened to disappear from my life when he tried to control me or didn’t get what he wanted, my reaction was “go ahead”. BUT when he belittled and disrespected the hard work that I did for him and his children (we were a blended family) and belittled my accomplishments and intelligence, THOSE were the issues that triggered my anger and rage. And of course that was his path to demean me. I did try to save the marriage through counseling which did not work because he’s also an alcoholic. I attempted to save the marriage by managing our finances and basically financially floating the whole marriage for almost 3 years. I also managed activities for all our children since he was mostly drunk when he had visitation with his. Of course nothing worked. Finally for the last 2 years of our 4 year marriage we lived sparate lives until I financially was able to move out with my daughter and start again. I can’t say that it has not been difficult especially financially cuz I ended up broke and I can’t say that at times I thought that I may have been better off financially if I had stayed. But not a day goes by when I am remiss to appreciate the peace in my life now, even with the hardships, rather than dealing with the daily negativity and tense environment that I lived in just a few months ago.

    I specifically wanted to mention that after he immediately gave up on couples counseling I continued to see our therapist on my own for almost year. Delightful as she was and as delightful as other therapists I have been to during my adult life I feel that none of them actually understood the emotional connection we have with our prior wounds in life and how these wounds need to be healed before we can talk about progressing into the future and keeping ourselves from becoming involved with narcissists and other people that can continue to wound us. When I discovered your website that was when I actually felt I could learn to identify the hurt from my childhood and learn how to heal it. I am so glad I accidentally found your website and will continue to inform myself with the information on it. Thank you

  • contact@vianovalife.com'
    Christine
    May 9, 2017

    This is one of the best articles I have yet read about the toxic cocktail of narc and co-dependant relationship!!

    I had to go through colon cancer stage IV to get to that point of recognition in my life. Yet I was very lucky, the Universe was on my side as I managed to go through the cancer experience within 6 months. I refused Chemo and radiation and went instead through my own self-devised protocol, consisting of spiritual techniques (Shamanism), healthy nutrition and a great deal of highly potent supplements (such as vitamin C and D in overdoses, Sulphoraphane, B12, Q10, and many more – took up to 70 different supplements on a daily basis for 6 months) and oxygen therapy for 3 months. Result: 4 months after tumor surgery I was cancer free.

    The funny and sad thing was that most of my treatments and hospital stay were paid by the NARC (who happened to be a client of mine for 10 desastrous and very often extremely disappointing years)!!! The monstrous physical and emotional pain was 100% funded by Me. Guess you can call such behaviour (on both sides) the hight of INSANITY. I always hoped he would “change” although deep inside I knew he wouldn’t, and he also told me so many times over. So all I had had to do would have been “believing” him and leave. Instead I stuck it out till I almost died. Anyway, greatest learning experience of my entire life! But not to be repeated again.

    I know now that I have turned my life around completely and that I will never fall prey to any Narc in my life (I noticed that most of my relationships were some form of Narc type and very often highly destructive and it started with my father, who was a deeply wounded adult child who eventually destroyed our entire family, himself and my mother).

    I have trained myself to only look within for answers and healing and never go back to being “needy” of other’s attention, love or approval.

    Self-Responsibility is the key to everything, then curing yourself from a deadly dis-ease and ridding yourself of all Narcs in your life becomes a REALITY.

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