Melanie Tonia Evans

The Narcissist is a Chameleon and an Empty Void

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 10
166
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This article is about one of my most recent anchorings into truth.

I love how the journey of self unfolds, and as more and more of my illusions (the fear and pain in my body) gets shifted out, how there is the ability to just naturally know things.

I think many of you can relate – that when you up-level from your previous self, a whole new world opens up – a world and life that starts making so much sense.

When we shift consciousness, it feels like the lamp shade comes off our head – and we see clearly…

understandings that truly explain what went on, and understandings that take so much of the pain away and offer so much release, up-levelling and expansion.

I hope you enjoy this article!

 

The Many Faces of the Narcissist

For a long time I have been really astounded and fascinated by the ability of the narcissist to have so many faces.

From a personal and professional experience I have witnessed the following over and over:

The narcissist can be a completely different person with different people, and the narcissist has the ability to wear one ‘hat’, and then take it off at lightning speed and don another.

But how and why?

What is it that makes an abandoning, self-involved narcissist who ignores, and won’t connect or pay attention to one partner, turn into a smothering, ‘joined at the hip’, jealous, controlling partner with the next target?

What is it that makes a narcissist able to be sexually disinterested with one person, and crave sex with the next?

What makes a narcissist declare that she is monogamous and has eyes for no other person (and behaves like that), yet throws other men continuously in the face of the next man she gets into a relationship with?

I see these inconsistencies all the time.

I have experienced it personally in regards to the narcissist’s previous and following partners and myself.

The first taste I really had of this was a discussion years ago with the next partner of the first narcissist, after she found my material and contacted me.

The way he consistently treated her in their relationship bore very little resemblance to the way he related to me each and every day. If it wasn’t the same man, you couldn’t believe it was the same person.

I have also had many separate people come forward in the community who were involved with the same narcissist, who also consistently report a ‘completely different partner’.

It does need to be expressed however, that in times of narcissistic rage and when the mask cracks, the behaviours of projection, devalue and discard, malicious acts, pathologically lying, zero accountability, nil conscience, hoovering and smearing are identical.

What I am really talking about is the different ‘masks’ and everyday behaviours that narcissists play out.

Commonly I experience information regarding narcissists who refuse to do certain things, or refuse to give certain things up, then automatically change with the next person.

This understandably can be very distressing for the former partner, seeing and hearing about the new relationship where the narcissist is seemingly doing and being what the former partner wanted.

Yes, of course love-bombing took place with the new partner just as it did with you. The new partner received the ‘dream’ man or a woman turning on all the charm, promises and moves to fully hook them as the new target.

But what about when the love-bombing period was over? What about a year or two later?  What does that mean?

This is where many former partners think ‘Maybe she can have a healthy relationship. She gives space, and doesn’t breathe down his neck constantly. Maybe something about me made her be a possessive, controlling freak.’

….or ‘I hear that he wants to have sex with her, and doesn’t go off fishing constantly. She obviously turns him on so much more than what I did. I thought he had no sex drive – it must be something unattractive about me.’

Of course this makes people question themselves, but I promise you this – when you know the truth and realise that a narcissist is a narcissist, you know he or she IS still acting unhealthily and abusively, and you realise he or she hasn’t changed. He or she has simply changed the way to abuse.

The narcissist is a consummate chameleon – he or she will change tactics and behaviours to suit the environment and the agenda as required.

I believe the real reasons why this happens are fascinating, and as truth always does – these reasons are a powerful boost to our own healing – because they help to set us free.

 

Why is the Narcissist So Nebular?

The narcissist is not ‘solid’ – there is no true sense of self.

Have you ever noticed how many narcissists are fascinated by body-language (many study it and read books on it), and are always ascertaining how to effectively read their environment and the mental perplexities of people they spend time with.

Many narcissists say things like “I worked him or her out”, or “I know what makes that person tick”, or “It didn’t take long to know how to talk to that person”, or “I learn everything I can about the enemy / the competition.”

Narcissists don’t show up in life in pure, wholesome and authentic ways.

One of most favourite, favourite quotes of all time (which divinely inspires me every time I feel it) is this one by Marianne Williamson– “Just open your heart, your mind and your mouth”.

This means being fully anchored in your body in authenticity and extending outwards with an open heart of love – as YOURSELF – regardlessof your environment. Because that is the most wholesome way possible to affect the world as love and truth, and it is the most effective way to inspire it and generate it.

This means being responsible for your energy only and then expanding it. It means you are a vessel for divinity – this means you are a conduit for bringing heaven down onto earth.

This is so simple, so loving and has nothing to do with trying to gauge, fit in, manipulate, or try to twist things to your advantage.

It is about knowing your connection to the Field of Life – which infinitely adores you and supports you in the magnificent that you are –  just for Being You.

When you are being this pure conduit, there is no need to try and twist and turn yourself into a pretzel to get a message across, by becoming inauthentic to try to control and manipulate the environment to your advantage.

That is exactly what narcissists do.

Divine messengers share the Source / God / Life pouring through them out into ‘The Field’. They enhance and add to Life with their presence.

Predators suck life from the ‘The Field’ to maintain themselves and reduce Life whilst doing so.

And it’s sad – it is all born from fear and anxiety. It all emanates from a total disconnection from Source / Life / God and the ‘Field of Life’, and is all about the fear of being unworthy, unloved and rejected by ‘Life’ and having to pit oneself against ‘Life’ (manipulate it) in order to be safe and met.

Please understand co-dependents who are wounded can do it too – try to gauge other people, try to earn worthiness, and try to ‘fit in’. And of course the results are painful and ineffective, because they are not coming from a true Source of Power.

But co-dependents don’t do it with the pathological purposeful deception, or go to the extreme lengths that narcissists do – and co-dependents don’t treat other people as dispensable objects the way narcissists do.

So how can narcissists spin on a dime and create and swap personalities so easily?

The reason is this: Because there is no REAL person home.

I touched on this last week in my article The Narcissist and the Co-dependent – Both Sides of The Same Coin.

The narcissist is a False Self, a fictitious character of imagined grandiosity, magnificence and a ‘God like character’ who is above reproach (and all other humans).

There is no ‘real’ human left, because the narcissist deemed his or her inner being as unacceptable, worthless and ineffective to have needs met, hence why the omnipotent character was invented as the replacement.

Tragically for the narcissist this outrageous character created a complete egoic takeover of the disowned, starved, ignored and shrivelled up inner self and is now completely running the show.

Because this fictitious character is not real – it is incredibly fragile, nebular and cracks easily under any pressure. For all its puffed up self-importance, it can’t stand up on its own energy or merits.

Because it has no energy or merits.

The narcissist frantically tries to ensure the survival of the False Self, because it is all the narcissist has, and because it is the only buffer against the inner screams of the black, empty void of the inner self – where there is no longer any functioning person present.

How can the False Self survive?

It needs outside power and energy to survive.

Think of these two examples which are the total metaphors of narcissism – a celestial black hole, and a vampire.

The black hole keeps its existence going by sucking in celestial bodies and devouring them.

The vampire sucks blood to survive and discards the corpses.

Both the black hole and the vampire are really dead. They are non-entities – they aren’t ‘alive’, and they have to keep ‘sucking from life’ in order to keep generating a faux existence.

Just like the black hole and the vampire, if you take away the energy that is being provided to feed a narcissist their existence, then there is no existence, because there is no true existence anyway.

Sam Vaknin states “Narcissists are already dead. There is no person that exists”.

That may sound really creepy, but really what it lets us know is that the narcissist’s actions aren’t about themselves (there is no person to act for), it is all about getting energy to ensure the survival of the False Self.

What this really means is the narcissist’s actions are NOT about him or herself – they are actually about YOU.

Woohoo, again that may sound really creepy – but it’s actually empowering, because it takes all the power away from the narcissist, and brings it back to where all personal growth and evolution really takes place – which is focus on self.

And yes – you DO have a ‘self’ – and that’s why you are going to get out of this nightmare, and that is why you can completely break free from this person who is not even ‘real’.

 

How Narcissists Survive

There are two ways narcissists ensure the survival of the False Self – the fictitious egoic grandiose version of ‘themselves’.

The first is narcissistic supply – which is attention, acclaim, accolades, notoriety, superiority, approval, and in reality any strong emotion evoked from another being which feeds ‘significance’.

A-grade narcissistic supply includes ‘I enjoy making you feel intense torment on a regular basis – this makes me believe I exist’.

The second is the ability to project the inner self-loathing, self-rejection and dire insecurities on to someone, in order to let off the pressure cooker enough to make the ‘space’ and ‘relief’ to keep the delusion of ‘existing’ going.

You may have heard the expression ‘kicking the cat’.

Angry people lash out. Egos are judgemental, they find fault, and they are nasty, childish and vicious. The narcissist has such intense self-loathing that he or she has to hit other people’s weak spots. He or she generates superiority by making it his or her right to punish other people for not reflecting back effectively how magnificent and REAL the False Self is.

In other words “How dare you NOT feed my False Self the energy, attention, approval and significance it CONSTANTLY needs to shut up my black inner void and stop it eating me alive!”

So the narcissist automatically finds and hits your weak points in order to avoid his or her inner implosion. Revenge and maliciousness are the short term saviours.

 

Hitting Your Weak Spots

This is the deal….

In order for the narcissist to punish you, he or she needs to find your weak points. The places to hurt you, get you to react and supply significance whilst ‘kicking the cat’. The blindspots that you are insecure enough or confused enough about that you will hang around and take the blame for them.

I’ll use my own story as a prime example.

Many of my weak spots were to do with fear of engulfment. Fears of being taken over, abused and controlled. Fears of being distrusted, or being accused of lack of integrity or lack of loyalty or lack of honesty were also big on the list.

Because these were weak spots, predictably I was under-developed and lacked evolution in these areas. I would get triggered, fail to speak up healthily, fail to know I had rights regarding personal space or the rights to source my own energy and interests outside relationships, and fail to know that my own solid anchoring of my own integrity was the only approval I required.

So instead I would mistake intense attention as love, let people engulf with me and then when it was far too late realise I was being violated, controlled, projected onto and abused – whilst not having the ability to healthily look after myself.

No wonder I had big issues and fears around this – all to do with DNA deep ancestral wounding (inherited from females forebears) and very young childhood wounds (programming), which ensured I would keep attracting abusive engulfers into my life in order (of course) to finally have enough wake up calls (pain) to go to these wounds, face them and heal them.

So these being my big weak links (there were also many more) the first narcissist predictably honed in on them like a heat seeking missile (that’s what ALL narcissists do), engulfed with me (my powerless boundary function allowed it easily) and then started micro-managing, controlling, and was possessive, jealous and abusive whilst delivering soul-shattering accusations.

Back then my painful triggers and deep activated fear and panic caused me to NOT take ownership of these wounds that he was highlighting for me, but to instead declare my innocence and fidelity. I lectured, pleaded, begged, screamed, cried, yelled and fought and handed over tons of A-grade narcissistic supply.

Boy his False Self got a great hit of ‘I exist’ out of me!

Now his massive ‘change’…

He was incredibly distant from his next partner, showed her very little attention, and ran around with other women that she knew about. He talked about them, threw them in her face, disappeared regularly and kept telling her stuff that made her feel ‘unattractive and not good enough’.

She stayed, she hung in there just like I did…she also clung, begged, pleaded and cried.

When I talked to her, it didn’t take me long to work out that her inner emotional unhealed wounds were all about ‘fearing being left for other women’, ‘not being attractive enough’, and ‘other women having more to offer than her’.

It was no coincidence this was the deep wounding genetically from females in her family, as well as her childhood conditioning.

Being a narcissist – of course he worked this out and found the exact recipe to punish her – whilst knowing she would stay in the game long enough to make sure regular punishment could take place –  which of course granted him a guarantee of having a secure ‘cat to kick’.

The ABSOLUTE TRUTH is this: When we are being delivered our wounds on a plate – we DO hang around, we DO stay in the game – for AS LONG AS it takes us to get the message and do the work on healing our inner wounds.

The dynamics of life are ingeniously engineered to grant us everything we need in order to heal, and narcissists are the grand deliverers.

And if we don’t do the work – even if we do get away, or it ends because of a final discard – the pulls, addictions and obsessions DON’T go away.

Now, do you understand why?

So let’s look at how his next partner would have been if he behaved like he did with me.

I KNOW 100% a woman like her would not tolerate for one minute a jealous, controlling lunatic – because engulfment is NOT her wound. She would be naturally very clear how unhealthy and abusive that is.

Likewise I would not have tolerated a man throwing other women in my face because that is NOT my wound. I am naturally very clear how unhealthy and abusive that is.

Is this starting to make sense?

So the truth is this: The narcissist is always going to act like a narcissist and the only way a narcissist can act, have energy or exist is to find people’s weak spots and use them as a weapon to beat that person up with.

Here’s another example that I have come across many times. If a person desperately wants ‘something’ that is extremely important to them – the narcissist will refuse it. He or she knows that hurts profoundly. Additionally the narcissist will rub that person’s nose in all the fabricated ‘reasons’ why he or she doesn’t deserve, or is not good enough to have that ‘thing’. This could be marriage, children, time with family…the list goes on and on.

Then the narcissist with the next partner, who is not particularly stressed about having ‘that thing’ can grant it.  If its food for the narcissist’s image and also adds extra ‘I can keep hurting the previous partner by giving this ‘thing’ to this person’ (revenge on previous partners are powerful motives for narcissists) then as far as the narcissist is concerned that is a fabulous reason to do it.

If the narcissist is dating someone who loves dinners, and going away for weekends, and feels that is important to them and the relationship – the narcissist will resist, and find reasons to deny that to the person. Then if the same narcissist is with a person who is more of a homebody and doesn’t really want to go away or have fancy dinners the narcissist will want them.

If sex is very important to a person, the narcissist will find ways to lose attraction, and interest and may turn to pornography or other outlets to avoid intimacy. If the person feels turned off from sex with the narcissist, then the narcissist will demand it more, and additionally incite guilt and blame, and use ‘reasons’ from that person’s past to accuse them of ‘sexual dysfunctions’. The person turning off will be held accountable despite anything the narcissist did previously to hurt them and cause them to retract.

If a person wants space a narcissist will engulf, if a person wants more connection the narcissist will disappear – all the while constructing every excuse, fabricated evidence and confusion to make that person take the blame for the narcissist’s nasty, punishing behaviour, and because there is a weak spot involved, the narcissist gets away with the crazy-making on that topic.

Are you getting the picture?

How the narcissist behaves is not about him or her (there is no-one there), it is always about YOU.

The narcissist is a no-body, he or she is a no-person, and has no power and has no real substance. He or she is purely feeding off the ability to suck your energy and incite your attention to know he or she exists, and additionally you are the receptacle for the narcissist’s darkness and pain.

You are THE target for punishment.

So how do you heal and escape this?

The only truth is this – by healing your weak links, and evolving and up-levelling yourself.

Then not only will you escape the pain, attachments, obsessions, addiction and illusions of ‘love’ and ‘meant to be’, or the ‘need to hold the narcissist accountable’ –  you will also become immune to narcissists.

More than that, you will evolve a vital part of yourself that was not only co-creating ‘being abused’, but was also holding you back from your incredible, expansive, flourishing, joyful, love-filled TRUE life.

See the perfection in it all?

The truth is this – the ONLY way we are going to put an end to narcissistic abuse is by taking our energy OFF the narcissist, and putting it FULLY on ourselves and doing the real work we need to do.

If we all did that and took 100% responsibility for our wounds and our blind spots (because they are ours, they are our responsibility regardless of how they got there), there would be nothing for narcissists to hook into, and nothing to feed from – and they would truly dissolve back into the nothingness and powerlessness that narcissists really are.

Then all illusions, inauthenticity, lies and abuse would end…

Then more and more people would be sourcing power authentically, and delivering love, truth, and real power and wholesomeness into ‘The Field’ to enhance and add to Life.

That’s how we stop the insanity and change our world….one person at a time.

The only person you can change is you. The only person you are responsible for is you.

I really, really hope this article has helped deliver the truth…

Please share this article so that others can understanding the chameleon nature of a narcissist and bring their behaviour into the light.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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166 Thoughts on The Narcissist is a Chameleon and an Empty Void
  • inkjago@hotmail.com'
    Jay
    March 20, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Thanks for another powerful article.
    Not only is the behavior of a narcissistic partner tailored to the vulnerabilities of his current mate but it is astounding to watch him interact with others according to their status and better boundaries as perceived by him.
    I was always stunned in my own relationship how readily and consistently my partner was able to reel in the worst of his actions and traits with persons who he admired for their status and clearer boundaries.
    Obviously the narcissistic supply in these outer relationships was obtained by dint of association and by the maintenance of his own illusory self in their eyes. Although what hurt me most, in observing it, was that he really was that person to these people – the better part of himself. Sad to contemplate that even this self was not authentic.
    With these non-intimates he was able to accept a level of assertiveness that was perceived as an outright threat from a partner. I can even comprehend how such relationships made him feel a lot better about himself.
    The sad fact is in any intimate relationship the narcissist must overpower and subjugate his partner (by control, projection, transference and psychic damage) to his world view and will, in order to forestall his own abandonment.
    I understand the depth of narcissistic derangement and the permanent damage sustained to their formation of self but I cannot bring myself to only see them as non- persons or dead – other than for purposes of illustration of how dangerous and utterly resistant such personalities can be.
    I am hoping that the current wave of awareness about narcissistic abuse that I have watched expand over the last six years will eventually encompass the tragedy of the narcissist himself/herself and that some sort of energetic healing programme will be developed. Until then I clearly understand that empathy for the narcissist is the paramount vulnerability of the co-dependent and that healing oneself is the first and only responsibility.
    Jay

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 20, 2014

      Hi Jay,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      Oh yes, very true narcissists can gauge who they can or can’t mine – absolutely, as well as ‘how to’ if they can.

      Unfortunately what is the ‘truth’ of any person is the state of their inner beingness – not their ‘mask’.

      So correct – the narcissist’s greatest ‘human’ fear is the same as all of ours – rejection and abandonment – and narcissists have to get in first, or twist and turn the blame, or seek revenge…it is the only way to preserve the False Self.

      I truly believe Jay that the world is starting to understand the dire tragedy of narcissists, and in fact they are the most tragic of all abused people, considering their present inability to heal.

      I for one have enormous compassion for children who were abused and grew up as adults being narcissists – because how can a child know the effect of their unconscious disowning of self at such a young age?

      Unfortunately narcissists are victims of victims and we all need to take responsibility for our world model and lack of consciousness that even allows this to happen.

      Right now energetic healing DOES exist for narcissists – the tools they need to heal are NO DIFFERENT from co-dependents. I refer all narc enquiries to the NARP Program – because the truth is – it is the healing of abuse patterns, and recreating the inner being as connected to Source, and releasing false beliefs, defences, fear and pain.

      100% it WOULD work for narcissists.

      This is the DIRE issue for narcissists – and why they don’t heal DESPITE the ‘way to’ being available is because there is such a disowning of the inner being (intensely damaged inner child) that the narcissist REFUSES to acknowledge it exists.

      NO-ONE heals anything until they admit with humility and 100% responsibility their inner wounds and will go to them, claim them, feel them and transform them.

      No-one can FORCE anyone to heal – they have to choose it…

      The narcissist REFUSES to do that. The fictitious False Self (ego) truly is like a take-over – it runs the show completely and it is the closest thing to ‘possession’ that we can understand.

      The False Self’s existence depends entirely on disowning the True Self, and it will do ANYTHING (literally) to stop the inner being being ‘seen’ let alone ‘held’ or ‘healed’.

      The surest way to EVER know if someone is a narcissist is to talk about their inner wounds, shine a light on them, or try to have a conversation with the narcissist sanely, vulnerably or honestly about them.

      The ONLY time this will ever happen (and even then it is prickly) is when the narcissist is in intense narcissistic injury – when his or her world has collapsed enough that the ego temporarily is too injured to operate. And this is rare.

      Then what happens is as soon as the narcissist can get any relief or energy the ego gets off the ground and grabs hold again.

      Then the pain of the inner wounds is again offset with ego hits, instant gratification (narcissistic supply) – anything to stop the inner pain inauthentically.

      The narcissist has NO ability to self-soothe inner wounds (because there is total denial of them) and the ego is self-annihilating, but ‘sells’ quick hit extremely addictive relief that makes the narcissist behave atrociously and causes widespread damage in the meantime.

      Yes narcissists could heal – ABSOULTELY, and the tools DO exist. But what is needed is somehow to keep the ego out of the way long enough to stay humble and committed…

      To date I have never see that happen – not ONE credible case…

      I hope with all my heart one day – for all of us – for us, them and the future of this world – one day the wounds will become SO huge, and the ego so ineffective as a cover up that narcissists will collapse inwards to heal themselves.

      Because that will be the only way…

      Mel xo

      • william.watson@gov.ky'
        Will
        March 24, 2014

        Hi Mel, I’ve been married to one for 25 years now and from very early on I felt that something was wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. About two years ago there was yet another incident with another man that she “didn’t know” and I finally decided that there was something radically wrong. So I started research on the internet and found your site and Holy Smoke! The pieces fell into place and it all started making sense. Thank you for being there, now that I understand some of what I am dealing with I can actually make calmer, more rational decisions. I am strongly considering NARP.
        Will

        • lunadiver@setarnet.aw'
          evita
          April 4, 2014

          Hi Melanie,
          wonderful article, I very much relate to what you told about your own incomplete list of fears, fear of being taken over, controlled, the infidelity, not being honest, integrity, all those things. And why my ex was so possessive, extremely jealous and accused me over and over again of cheating and having a secret personality hidden inside that only he could see.
          The scary thing was, about 6 weeks before he discarded me, I was sitting at a bar and having some drinks with him and he told me something that made me afraid of him. I told him, Do I actually KNOW YOU? I sometimes feel i don’t know who I am sharing my life with. And he said…..you have no IDEA who I am and what I am capable of!
          I felt that was true at that point, and I think it was true.
          I felt completely disconnected from him, or he from me, and I felt like I was talking with some sort of dangerous demon. That confused me a lot. A week later he asked me to marry him, again, second time. I still wanted to, unbelievable.
          And 4 weeks later he discarded me harshly and after that I found out about him being a Narcissist. It all makes sense now. Especially this article.
          Thank you,
          working on module one and it is a lot of work, and a lot of pain. But at least i can heal. He will always be that empty dead demon I just saw in a glimpse, that night.
          Scary
          Evita.

          • kalatour@yahoo.com'
            katherine
            December 29, 2014

            I always said that my husband “could sell ice to Eskimos.” He could be the “star” of any gathering, shamelessly bragadocious, charming. My staring at a “different” person moment was moments before my husband of 18 years disappeared. He said, “You are not a stupid person. You should have seen this coming. Why did you even marry me? You didn’t know who I was. You confused me with where you found me.” (I knew him for three years. He asked me to marry him. I met him in a spiritual setting and made the assumption of his being a moral being.) He might as well have been the “exorcist” girl, head spinning, with someone else’s voice coming out of his mouth.

            He blamed the pain I was feeling on my own stupidity. And I felt stupid, blindsided, ashamed, humiliated, unsure of anything and everything, certain this was all my fault, (because if it was all my fault, then I could fix it. And of course, it was my job to fix it.) He had no accountibility for his loose canon behavior, unilateral decision making, cruelty, but I was responsible for the very inadequacy of my being that made it “untenable” for him to stay.

            My deepest wounds were about not being “good” or “worthy” enough to deserve my mother’s love, no matter how hard I worked at it. My husband went to great lengths to withhold any appreciation. He never valued me and never allowed me the joy to think that what I did was helpful or useful. (I put him through school but he told his mother that I threw a great party and not much else, which she, the apath, gleefully reported back to me.) He stonewalled, withheld, lied by omission, was happy to let me deceive myself, and withheld both affection and sex. He claimed I didn’t “sparkle” anymore. He said he loved the way he loved and that was OK.

            He “saw me coming” as his meal ticket while he went to school. I value kindness, transparency, empathy and gave him every benefit of the doubt. In the end, he called that stupid.

            I really resonated with the idea of “cracks” in the personality that show the bad faith and this “other ” person, even when the “cracks” are when they “filter” around other people to do/be for others what they refuse to do/be for you, knowing how much you crave a kind word, knowing full well the “crumbs” they toss you.

    • cecilywiggins@gmail.com'
      Cecily
      March 20, 2014

      Writing with tears in my eyes. Somehow I thought my own fears or thoughts were powerful enough to somehow will the worst things that occurred in my relationship. Why when this man knows my wounds, a fear of losing my husband or man to another woman…something that happened to my mom and she swears is happening if your man disappears for longer than normal…and Ive caught him talking to women behind my back mass texting and establishing multiple relationships with several women during short breakups.

      If you knew my previous wounds…why would you inflict pain upon them.

      Wow.

      Thank you for this.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 20, 2014

        Hi Cecily,

        Yes our wounds and fears are what ‘wills’ (manifests) these realities into our life – 100%.

        Why if he knew your wounds would he inflict pain on them?

        To grant you the most loving gift possible at the highest level – the giving YOU enough pain to take responsibility for and heal your own wounds…

        Because that is the evolution your soul and the True You is screaming for…

        Releasing the patterns of your past – so you don’t HAVE TO live out the legacy your Mum did, or what your future generations will (if you have daughters).

        If we don’t up-level the painful patterns go on and on and on…

        No one can fix our pain and patterns for us – because it is not theirs. As soon as it ‘got’ in our body, our cells and our inner being – it is ours.

        This is the message of your soul…

        “Cecily, please release from these wounds so that you can TRULY know Who You Really Are.”

        He’s you messenger, not you abandoner.

        No-one abandons us – we simply abandon ourselves – until we don’t…

        Gorgeous you are really understanding this now Cecily…

        Mel xo

    • admin@cat-world.com.au'
      Saffron
      March 23, 2014

      Hi Melanie,

      I think this is what my ex does. He knew there was something I enjoyed doing with him, but he was always too busy to do it with me. Yet he found the time to do it with FIVE other people, and constantly told me about it. He knew it left me devastated and whenever I told him it hurt, he’d say I was too needy.

      I’ve recently injured myself & can no longer do a sport I love. He’s just informed me he’s so fit now he might take it up. He then told me I’m not cut out for it 🙁

      Why? I’m dead inside from all of this.

    • rebeccakrstn135@gmail.com'
      Rebecca
      March 24, 2014

      Hi Jay
      I know what you mean by not being able to see Narcs as dead. I feel the same way, (its part of one of their hooks) except I know that they are dead in my mind. Part of why I think this is that I have dealt with Narcs my whole life. I am an empath with a strong connection to Spirit, and don’t totally fit the co-dependant model. Yes but of course there are co-dependancy issues. After experiencing narcs and counselling them for most of my life i have found that most narcs have told me they feel dead like the tinman who has no heart. I have been working with a particular narc who is altruistic and he is changing. But the change is more to do with him taking my energy and emulating my persona. He likes being with me because he tells me he feels my energy. I joke with him and tell him he is my little energy vampire…but here’s the catch – no matter how much he fills up on my energy, he still sees himself as having no heart. His concept of having no heart is incomprehensible to the heart of a codependant or empath because it is outside of our grid. Yes Narcissists are on a continuum from extreme to low level. But heart death is what transforms them into being a narcissist.

    • steflaine@gmail.com'
      Stefanie
      March 28, 2014

      Melanie.

      Thank you for this wonderful article. It makes me feel better to know that this is standard practice, so to speak, for narcissists…but it also makes me feel like sobbing!!! I have lived with a narcissist for over three years, and been involved with him for over four. I fell madly in love with him, and, just as you have said, fell for his charm and his passionate words, including the line, “We connect on every level.” He began to do the push-pull dance and give mixed messages as soon as I declared my undying love for him. However, he stayed involved with me because he wanted a baby desperately, and felt time was running out for him. Once our child was born, he told me he really only ever loved me as a friend, and that he would never commit to me, and wouldn’t be with me long-term, and that we should just be close friends (or “friends with benefits”) and co-parents. He felt we “needed” each other, that “our work in each other’s lives isn’t done”, and that we needed to be together and LOOK like a couple, for the sake of our child. He has pulled away more and more over the time we’ve been together. Starting over a year ago, he started spending much more time at his place, which he never gave up. At this point, he comes here in the late evening, helps get our daughter ready for bed, sleeps here, helps with the morning routine, then is gone. He spends most of his time away – at his place. He has shut me out almost entirely. He doesn’t even listen to me when I try to chat with him, and will even say, “I’m not interested in what you’re saying”, and then go back to obsessively using his iPad! And yet he denies that he is cruel to me, or that he acts inhuman and abnormal!!!! And, finally, yes, he is a total chameleon – comes across as deeply caring, charming, empathetic, giving, etc. with others. When he’s with me, not only is he cold, he is depressed and looks like a man about to go to his death. He no longer laughs, smiles, acts silly. He says, “I’ve changed. I’m just more serious than I used to be.” Yet, on the rare occasion I see him with other people, especially attractive women, he is Mr. Charming, Mr. Funny Guy. It hurts so much!!!! I’m going to try to tell myself that what you wrote in this article is true, and that this isn’t about me not being pretty enough, good enough, interesting enough, etc. Thank you. Stefanie

  • Lfowler2004@Comcast.net'
    redd243
    March 20, 2014

    Hi Mel

    I am loving this and totally saw it with my ex. With me, I fear abandonment and fear not being good enough. Those were what my ex used against me. Very chameleon like. I am working on healing and having a hard time with cleaning up some pieces. I am so far ahead of where I was a year ago but still have this underlying depression based on the nagging voice in my gut that I am not enough and will never be free of this need to have others validate me (childhood wounds). (I am more conscious of it & really try to accept & self sooth, but it’s hard). I tried NARP. Is it something I should keep doing? Is there anything else that I should be doing to feel whole … to align these doubting voices with the amazing person I logically know i am. Ty

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 20, 2014

      Hi Redd,

      I think many, many people can relate to those fears, and they are really dangerous ones to have – if we start believing our ‘source’ is another person…

      Ok re your pain that remains… this is what happens if we try to analyse our way out of it instead of energetically shifting it.

      If you fully feel it, claim it and release it, then ‘it’ (the pain) and the associated inner childhood false beliefs, traumas and programs will ALL be up-levelled – one at a time..if you do the work on them.

      You can use Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module to achieve that.

      Okay what does ‘I tried NARP’ mean? Have you dedicated yourself with commitment to the healings? Have you become a forum member and got the new Modules? (they are even more effective now). Have you talked to NARP Thrivers in the forum to get help / suggestions to assist you healing?… and have you emailed me personally for help?

      See how our old beliefs, negative programs give us every excuse NOT to get well – even when the path is there in front of us?

      The truth is our ego loves keeping us in pain and ‘small’ – and if we want to get well we need to take a serious stand for ourselves.

      That is exactly where you are at Redd.

      You have it right – logically knowing you are this amazing expansive being doesn’t cut it…you have to become it.

      How do you become it? By committing to shifting the inner belief systems that have been responsible so far for creating your feelings, thoughts and life.

      Then you won’t have to try to manage still existing inner wounds (and struggling to do that durably – as we all do if they are bad enough) – they just won’t be there…IF you do the work…

      The forum membership button is at the top of this page. Get in there and get started, and as soon as you have downloaded the new Modules and listened to the instruction MP3, if you have any more questions – any at all – please email me personally – and I will give you EVERYTHING I have to help you.

      NOW you can get started – properly…It’s time for you.

      Stand up to your ego (excuses)…

      You will know, if you have your heart and mind open enough to ‘hear’ this – as I strongly intuited – some tough love was in order…

      Mel xo

  • sfildesmoss@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sally
    March 20, 2014

    Wow, this is so helpful and insightful. Even after I’ve come a long way in seeing my relationship with a narcissist for what it was, you’ve still made the penny drop again because I now see how much of the detail of the *abuse* was tailored to me personally rather than having its roots in *his* ‘wounds’ (as he presented them). I did understand already how the lovebombing was ‘bespoke’ – fake, generated to control me personally – and now I can see the emotional abuse more clearly, too – the point of which, of course, is to keeping healing and moving on up. Thank you very much.

    • cheryl.sc@btopenworld.com'
      Cheryl-Anne
      March 20, 2014

      Thank-you so much for clarifying this Melanie. It was always a huge problem for me and now I can understand it clearly. I clearly remember his wife telling me a “chameleon does what it does” and wondering what on earth she is talking about. She clearly knew much more than I did at that time. So I also understand Sally’s response here as well.

      So strange that you posted this and I received it today because for many months I had moved on and yet suddenly found myself looking back and feeling ‘sad’ and a bit lost again.

      With love, Cheryl-Anne.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 20, 2014

      Hi Sally,

      I am so glad this article resonated with you – and helped you get clearer…

      Yay!

      Mel xo

  • yvette.hadj@gmail.com'
    Eve
    March 20, 2014

    Mel,
    Your words speak the truth, plain and simple.
    It’s all about ‘us’ healing and evolving as much as we can.
    The hollow-shelled narcs are just our reflections at a point in time.

    It has been one year of being narc free thanks mainly to finding your website and healing, i feel i have my sense of ‘self’ back but it’s powerful for me to be reminded of the points you raised.

    Thanks again, so lovely to read your insightful articles.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 20, 2014

      HI Eve,

      yes it is true – the only power and truth in this is making it about up-levelling ourselves!!

      And boy does that take the pain away!!

      You are so very welcome Eve, and I am glad you are enjoying my articles.

      Mel xo

    • Teresajaustin@gmail.com'
      TJ
      March 20, 2014

      Great article. I am still trying to shake my N, and feel a bit more able to after reading this. He is an emotional vampire and its time to put in the stake! Thank you for your insights they have truly helped me even though I have fallen backwards at times! I gain a bit more strength to let him go in my head and my heart every day because of you.

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    March 20, 2014

    My narc was Snow White in public and Cruella Deville at home. She used to follow me around with a magnifying glass, looking for anything she could attack me on. It was never ending 22 years of walking barefoot among broken glass.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 20, 2014

    HI Stephen,

    I had a giggle that is brilliant.

    Mine were Ghandi and Freddy Krueger!!!

    Isn’t it sooo lovely to have no more broken glass? I love walking barefoot now!!

    Mel xo

    • cheryl.sc@btopenworld.com'
      Cheryl-Anne
      March 20, 2014

      Oh golly, how amazing it is that we can even giggle about this now 🙂

      A real blessing!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 21, 2014

        Hi Cheryl-Anne,

        it is very funny and amazing!

        Mel xo

      • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
        Stephen
        March 24, 2014

        I can laugh too now and life is so much better. I won’t tolerate narcissistic abuse not for one second ever again.

  • mariadcosta3@hotmail.com'
    Maria
    March 20, 2014

    Melanie…thank you…. can you speak sometime to the issue of narcissists who are presenting as ‘spiritual healers’ mostly to women…. and who say that their ‘girl friend’ needs to be strong, secure and not jealous… and yet the girl friend feels that these deep emotional connections to women feels as if he’s cheating on me…emotionally cheating on me…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 20, 2014

      Hi Maria,

      truly no matter what the narcissist is or isn’t doing it relates back to a wound within ourself.

      I can only guess what your inner wound is that is experiencing this on the ‘outside’ as per the narcissist.

      Know this – there is NOTHING painful on the outside (without exception) that CAN come into your life unless there is a corresponding inner wound.

      Now – accepting this – you can be IN the driver’s seat…100% responsibility…

      If you drop into claiming that ‘trigger’, go into your body (Is it in my heart, solar plexus etc.?), ask yourself ‘how old is that part of me?’ (a young previous wound more than likely as a child), and then open up in the wound (with your awareness) and ask ‘What is this really about?’ and THEN you will know….

      Then you can heal that wound…

      Keeping your focus on the narcissist is activating only your mind (stories) and keeping you away from the actual truth (which is always in your body)..

      The healing of all of this is to focus on and heal your own wounds that are being triggered by the narcissist, and then you will either have him (if he wasn’t a narcissist) stop doing it (up-level to meet your new energy on this topic), or you would see clearly without the confusion of your wound and call the behaviour for what it is and leave, or he will disappear from your experience – and either way you would have peace – because the message of the wound (triggered pain) has called forth the necessary healing..

      Like a cancer that delivered the ‘message’ and then could dissolve…

      Do you understand?

      Mel xo

    • avani_a79@yahoo.com'
      anu
      April 14, 2017

      i agree. encounter with narcissist means opportunity to know your weak spots and heal spiritually. that’s called rebuilding yourself as more stronger version of yourself.

  • juliesewelltranslator@yahoo.co.uk'
    Julie
    March 20, 2014

    I love you Melanie! God bless you and your wonderful work!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Julie,

      Lots of love to you too!

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased I can help 🙂

      Mel xo

  • pomykris@gmail.com'
    Christine
    March 20, 2014

    As always this article has come at a very appropriate time. I was indeed having some doubts about myself and my ability to ever feel that I would ever really be free from the damage the ex narc has left in his wake. I left more than 5 years ago and had succeeded in having little contact with him, had worked through the narc program and was fine until his Mother came to visit from the UK, staying for 3 months , during that time I have been exposed to how wonderfully we’ll he and his partner (who happened to be a friend of mine ) relate, and how these 2 narcs (he and his Mother ) have tried to manipulate my 2 daughters in joining the new happy family !!! (Pleased and happy to say the bond we all share is too strong for them to be distanced from me ) It hasn’t worked !!!!
    Which left me wondering how is this so, I almost went on the slippery road of analysing how he goes onto have a stable and happy relationship and a new family when I still struggle from the aftermath of him violating my soul for sooooo many years Melanie , it all makes perfect sense now , the timing of this article is uncanny and I realise that participating with the empowerment course is vital for my recovery of this abuse , Thankyou , it couldn’t be clearer .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Christine,

      I am so pleased the timing was right for you with this article!

      Yes, so, so , so true – and I can never state it enough. Going into the slippery road in our mind is treacherous..

      Because the only way we can have painful emotional triggers is if we have a painful inner wound…(otherwise we would observe ‘what is’ with no pain)…and then what happens is IF we go into our mind our ego LOVES to belt us up, create stories, spin the pain back on our unworthiness and cement pain in harder…and around and round we go with the same issue NOT resolved.

      Fabbo – that you are REALLY getting what you need to do. Drop inside to the inner wounds, claim them, release them and transform them…

      Then NO wound can call in your ego – and NO matter how painful it was as ‘the trigger’ you get to experience the profound up-levelling (release, evolution) very quickly and powerfully by energetically transforming it..

      Yay – great job Christine!

      Mel xo

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    March 20, 2014

    I remember him bawling at me (for no particular reason – presumably some third party had said these words to him):
    “Who the hell do you think you ARE?”
    And I replied calmly and matter-of-factly: “I’m Lucy.”
    And it absolutely floored him.
    He was a massive copier – he studied and copied just about everything I said and did. In fact, I’m pretty sure that at least some of what he provoked in me – frustration, fear of abandonment etc – was deliberate in order to study how I handled these emotions.

    On this occasion (speaking of body language) I could see him roll that phrase over in his mind (“I’m Keith … I’m Keith”) … and then go: “But, what does that mean, who is Keith?”
    He really like my response, but he knew there was something wrong about “I’m Keith”, he fretted over that for ages.

    It must be a shocking feeling – but at the time, it felt like a small victory for me!

    On body language, I’d had a class on body language at work and was telling him all about it. I explained how you can often tell when someone is lying because their mouth will say no while their head unconsciously nods what they really mean, that is, yes.

    You’re right, he was immensely interested. He was also very dim.
    Later the same evening, I said to him: “Are you serious about this relationship?”
    He stiffened a little (as liars often do) and said, “Yes, of course I am”, even as his head swivelled widely from side to side!

    That should have been the end, of course, but you know what? It was two more years before I finally left him. Dangerous people, aren’t they. And obsessing does not help.

    • bcuerden@gmail.com'
      becca
      March 21, 2014

      This is so spot on Lucy! “He stiffened a little (as liars often do) and said, “Yes, of course I am”, even as his head swivelled widely from side to side!” I saw that happen a thousand times, but could never describe it in words. It’s that ‘stiffening’- a huge sign of the armour going up.
      And dangerous -yes. Melanie is an inspiration and constant guide. After doing NARP for a year (and continuing whenever I start to carry something dread-full), I’ve come to realize how both my mother and the N alternated between a vicious kind of focus, and blank neglect. Family patterns can feel so ‘natural’….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Lucy,

      it is great you recognised key things in this article…

      Obsessing does equal ‘how to lose’ – it is an egoic and painful cementing of painful belief systems, peptide addiction and our own deterioration as a result of being abused.

      It’s like someone shooting us, and then we replay it a hundred times…Now we just shot ourselves a hundred more times.

      Sadly this is the path FAR TOO MANY abuse victims stay stuck in…and are often encouraged to stay in…

      Narcs are only dangerous to US if we don’t heal and up-level – and if we do they stop appearing ‘dangerous’ and we actually have incredible gratitude for finally being shown (via enough pain) to do the necessary work on ourselves that we always WANTED to do to really enjoy the glory of ourselves and our life.

      Mel xo

      • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
        Lucy
        March 23, 2014

        “…we actually have incredible gratitude for finally being shown (via enough pain) to do the necessary work…”
        Amen to that. I felt then, and still believe, that that hard passage was built into the fabric of my life, regardless of whether I chose to stay with a narcissist or not. Can’t tell you how many times that hard work then has sustained me since.

        Another interesting thing I’ve discovered: Just as I was able, back then, to re-visit the various younger me’s and release their pain and fear, I am now able, from this distance, to go back to the woman I was with the narcissist and absolve her obsession.

        Obsession isn’t necessarily bad of itself – great art can be the product of obsession. I did some of my best work while with the narcissist – I think the one obsession fed the other. (I also think work saved me – the daily contact with other people and the rational world. How much harder for an isolated, at-home mother …)

        So, give us poor old worriers a break. I did obsess – there wasn’t the easy access to information and support in those days, had to nut it all out myself – but obsessing didn’t work. So I stopped.

        I’ve never re-visisted the acres and acres of thoughts and feelings I poured into my word processor back then, and the insights it popped back out at me – but there’s probably a ready-made book in there somewhere!

  • Karen_lyons@rok.catholic.edu.au'
    Kally
    March 20, 2014

    Thank you Mel. This seems so clear to me now. I feel a weight has been lifted and so much more empowered.
    I was never quite able to get it but now I do.
    Thank you again. Xx

    • lisa@airmccoy.com'
      Lisa
      March 21, 2014

      I am sitting here literally in tears. I’m feeling such a sense of relief after reading this article. It made me realize it’s not me that’s crazy. I am so glad I found you.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 21, 2014

        Hi Lisa,

        yes we weren’t ‘crazy’ or ‘bad’ – just wounded – like everyone else is to varying degrees!!!

        The only real clarity required is – Do we want to heal our wounds?

        If everyone in the world answered that question affirmatively and did the work – could you imagine how INCREDIBLE and healthy our world would be?

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Kally,

      I am so pleased this article helped!

      Mel xo

  • wendysimpson@me.com'
    Wendy
    March 21, 2014

    Melanie,

    Your article perfectly explains my experiences with the narcissist. You articulate in words what I’ve known in my heart but couldn’t describe. My ex is now with a former friend of mine, and is a different person, because she was quite different from me. I feel sorry and fear for my former friend; I would never wish upon anybody the horror I experienced. But it was experiencing that horror that helped me know my inner wounds and work on healing them. My life goal is to be as genuine as I can be, and so far it is empowering and wonderful to be free and to love myself for who I am.

    The anger I felt towards my narc has been replaced by sorrow for the lost soul that he is, and for all those caught in his trap.

    -Wendy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Wendy,

      this is the sort of gorgeous response that inspires me so much to know I AM getting through!!!

      The real ‘relief’ of this article is NOT – ‘OMG now I know I can rest so much easier because he is still abusing her – and it wasn’t just me!”..The real relief is the taking responsibility to heal ourselves, and do everything we can to change the possibility of abuse / abused going on!

      Gorgeous that your MOST important goal is developing yourself!

      Perfect 🙂

      Mel xo

  • hnybr_00@yahoo.com'
    LuLu
    March 21, 2014

    Melanie,

    Thanks for the article, as I understand it the narcissists’ M.O. (mode of operation) changes depending on who they are with because the way he punished me isn’t the same way/mode he can punish someone else.

    So does this mean a narcissist can never have a healthy relationship? Does this mean the person he is with also has to be wounded enough to stick around for this kind I abuse? Can a narcissist be with someone who is healthy and the relationship work?

    At some point I’d be interested in reading an article from you about what ultimately happens to narcissists as they age – what is the outcome for them. Does this type of behavior go on until they have a foot in the grave or at some point do they just run out of “life?”

    • deanna_lyn@excite.com'
      DeDe
      March 21, 2014

      Lulu,
      My 85-year-old grandmother is a narcissist. She has made sure that every member of her family fights with one another, no one trusts anyone, and she makes sure that there are always “favorites” and that the ones who are not favored know what the favorite gets (items) when you do what she wants. She throws public temper tantrums like a 2 or 3-year-old does and then turns it around to look like it was your fault. She lies about what she does for people (told my uncle that I was “barking orders every morning for what I wanted to breakfast” when she didn’t cook or buy me any of my breakfasts during our visit). She plays martyr to the public, dresses impeccable and acts like a lady(so no one would believe you), and her favorite line is, “I don’t ask anyone for help and I never complain! This old lady just keeps pushing on.” This is always after a 10-15 minute tirade on how horrible (child/grandchild/great-grandchild) is to her and how NO ONE helps her (this usually happens while you are helping her).

      When my father died, she didn’t cry. She kept repeating the line, “Thank God he didn’t die from a drug overdose and instead died from a disease so I can face my friends!”

      She had bought an insurance policy on my grandfather. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer (given 6-12 months) she was the happiest I’ve ever seen her. At the end (11.5 months) she said, “I hope he dies before I have to make another $800 monthly payment on his insurance premium!”

      My experience is it NEVER gets better!!!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 21, 2014

        Hi De De,

        oh yes they get more mentally sick, more unhappy and more emotional agonised, and more and more unpleasant to be around..

        The cracks get deeper, and the True personality shows itself more frequently…

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi LuLu,

      correct – no the narc cannot have a healthy relationship – because all quality of relationship comes TOTALLY 100% from the quality of ‘relationship with self’ without exception for EVERY human being…narc or otherwise..

      Correct water seeks its own level – the levels of self-love, self-acceptance and self-worth are a match between the narc and the victim…The level of woundedness has to match up in order for the union to take place.

      It is pure quantum scientific physics…

      I have written an article regarding narcissists and where they end up – if you go back in my article you will see ‘Has The Narc moved on and having a great life” – that is the one.

      What is vitally important here LuLu is to not be concerned where the narc ends up – but to instead become highly interested, dedicated and devoted to where YOU end up.

      Mel xo

      • Hnybr_00@yahoo.com'
        LuLu
        March 22, 2014

        Melanie,

        I can’t seem to find the link to that article you mentioned in your reply.

  • jennifer.dugena@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    March 21, 2014

    Mel, thank you very much for this article and radio show.

    You always provide very critical information that tremendously helps clear up confusion, bewilderment and seeming insanity.

    The actions of the narc ex I was with fit all these to a T.

    I know you discussed these before but it is now I think described in more detail. I remember when you said these yrs ago, it helped me not go crazy with the inconsistencies narcs do just to mess with you.

    I remember weeks before I was finally able to do NO CONTACT, my narc ex was already deep into another relationship while still hooking up with me; he was actually going to be married in a few months – he suddenly called me a term of endearment he never used with me ever and which he himself made fun of when he heard it from someone else. But there he was calling me that. I was weirded out by it but dismissed it, Now, I think it was him mixing up his `dialogue’ and using the script he meant for someone else and used it with me.

    “If a person desperately wants ‘something’ that is extremely important to them – the narcissist will refuse it. He or she knows that hurts profoundly. ”

    IVE ALWAYS HAD THIS FEELING that the narc ex I had a relationship with WANTED / AIMED/ HAD THE CONSTANT GOAL to frustrate me and not give me what he knows I want. I remember he always knew when to pull back affection,action,emotion,gesture/deny eventual occurrences just at the right moment where I wanted it so – and he knows that I wanted it so. I thought it was just me. Only later when I was into healing did I see those patterns. NOW THANKS TO YOUR ARTICLE & RADIO SHOW — IT IS TRUE — THAT IS WHAT THEY INTENTIONALLY DO!!!!!

    THANK YOU!!!

    I also remember one time I mistakenly ate something that maybe a bug or a rat already nibbled and I realized my mistake but the look on his face when he saw me eat it — it was as if he was delighting at my mistake. As if I deserved what I was mistakenly doing and he reveled in it. I realize now he hated me to the core and he really cant love anyone. He has so much hate and malice hes just a walking gaping hole pretending to be a person.

    In terms of what you said that narcs study body language — YOU ARE RIGHT!!! I remember early on in our relationship, my narc ex even told me that `A SIGN THAT A PERSON IS INTERESTED IN SOMEONE IS WHEN THAT PERSON MIMICS THE ACTIONS OF THE TARGET OF THEIR AFFECTION’ as if he wanted me to realize that that is what hes doing and so it therefore means that he `likes me’ and that I should know that.

    During the relationship, he once told me a genuine smile is where the EYES ALSO SMILE – NOT JUST THE MOUTH.

    He probably early on studied and read on body language because he really for the life of him cant get/understand people’s feelings & the least he could do to play along the role of a human being is to read people’s emotions. thats sad too if you think of it.

    Also, I read a book written by a female friend of Ted Bundy – the serial killer — in it the book describes to a T Bundy’s actions & how it shows that he has NPD! Bundy even maybe unconsciously made a slip when he applied to a law school and indicated in it why he wanted to study law: he said he `wanted to be an effective actor in society.’

    NARCS really are empty shells.

    There is no one inside.

    Thank you Mel for this valuable information!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Jennifer,

      you are so welcome!

      So, so true all that you have said – and it is fabulous that you have connected the dots..

      I know that there is a lot of diagnoses and labels put on different personality disorders, but truly I believe that a disconnection from Source / Life / God is ‘narcissistic’ and the total anguish causes pain and causes attacks and maladaptations of ‘humanity’ – hence the Bundy’s, Hitlers and horrific acts of certain beings.

      ‘All attacks are a cry for help”…

      and ‘What is it in you that hurts so horrifically that you have to create so much pain for others?’

      Mel xo

      • Bri9227@yahoo.com'
        B
        March 25, 2014

        You’re right though Melanie, the “diagnosis” whether it’s sociopath, anti-social, narcissism doesn’t really matter. It did however help me spot warning signs and red flags better, but like you always say the true healing is focusing on OURSELF and healing our own wounds.

    • Bri9227@yahoo.com'
      B
      March 25, 2014

      Sounds like you might have been dating a sociopath actually…all sociopaths have narcissism but seem to be even MORE dangerous. They seem to be MORE malicious and MORE aware of their actions (aka this guy describing all this body language stuff to you). I am not an expert, but that has been the case in my experience.

  • martina.pelivan@hotmail.com'
    Martina
    March 21, 2014

    Wow this is really an eye opener Melanie. I’ve been reading your blog for just past few days and I am beyond of being stunned with what I’ve realized, not only about my ex N but mostly about myself. You are true inspiration, thanks so much for this amazing website and blog

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Martina,

      LOVE that you are gaining so much awareness about YOU – because that is where your power really is…

      You are so welcome Martina!:)

      Mel xo

  • lkstewart14@gmail.com'
    Lori
    March 21, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    I want to thank you so much for this article. It came (as most of your articles do) at the right time. I’m in the NARP program, but I haven’t worked with it for awhile. I was having some depressing moments and doubts. This helped me so much to get started again.

    -Lori

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Lori,

      you are so very welcome 🙂

      I am thrilled that you know where you need to go – ‘inside’ with love and commitment..

      Great job Lori!

      Mel xo

  • jonquilmcd@gmail.com'
    Jonquil McDaniel
    March 21, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    I am a long time follower of your blog. It started when I split up with my husband and realized just how nasty he was. I’m not sure if he was a narc, there’s also sociopath potential, but I do know he was in that psychopathic personality spectrum and your blog has helped me figure out myself immensely, clearing out a lot of the confusion I had inside about myself that was placed by him and other abusive people in my past.

    I write here now because I’m in a bit of a conundrum over my last partner. He didn’t fit the profile I had built based on knowledge of abuser/psychopath tactics/personality, but the effect the relationship with him had on me is the same if not worse. Unlike past abusers, he didn’t have the inflated ego, control/jealousy issues, etc… he took on a victim role instead. Always depressed. He had just cause to be depressed, but it became a severe drain on me and a manipulation tactic. If he hurt me, it was because of something I did wrong and or because he was depressed. If I got angry over lack of communication after begging and pleading, he would do things like ignore me until I was back to begging and pleading, then blame me for attacking him and say that it was because of that he didn’t communicate. He expected me to show unconditional support via always being available to him and happy/flirty, but when I needed support he would disappear or say nothing, and if I reflected my hard times in not being as available and or not being hay and flirty, he got upset and said I wasn’t showing I loved him and that he thought I was just using him. I still don’t think any of this was intentional on his part, but I can’t seem to unravel where his issues ended and mine began, i.e. where his faults ended and I became the problematic one. Anyhow, I ended up pregnant. He pressured me to abort, but for personal reasons I refused. He said he would be supportive and there for his child. But now, at eight weeks away from full term, he’s disappeared. No fights, the last time we talked he said he was sick and I wished him well and a week later he deleted his Facebook profile, blocked me on every other electronic means of communicating, updated his dating profile, and logs into it daily, so I know he’s not sick any more. I’ve tried to get him to at least give me a simple “it’s over” statement, but I can’t even get that much out of him. Interestingly, part of his dating profile update was to mimic an aspect of my own profile that he initially expressed interest in when we first started talking, specifically that I tend to be very inquisitive and can sometimes annoy with my depth of questioning.

    I’m kind of thrown off by his kicked dog approach, and even more so by the one minute he has no emotion towards me, “doesn’t feel as attached”, etc then the next he’s terminally depressed because he doesn’t have me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Jonqui,

      Okay this is what I want people to truly understand – that the ‘diagnosis’ is not really important – whether it be narc, anti-social, sociopath, psychopath, ‘simply depressed’ or the like…

      What is important is OUR life, what is or isn’t healthy for us, and that we love ourselves enough to do the work to know what we will or wont accept.

      Are we still confused about our wounds enough that we are taking the blame for someone else’s and / or still hooked in putting up with the pain of disappointing and abusing relationships, and are we still trying to make someone else change against their own will – when they are refusing to be accountable for THEIR wounds?

      The truth is this – regardless of inner issues (anyone’s) if 100% responsibility is not taken to look at them, work on them and heal them, then that person is NOT going to change their choices, feelings, thoughts and behaviour regardless of what ‘words’ that person says…

      Emotional belief systems (wounds) drive everyone – they are 100% responsible for the world lens, perception of events, triggers and behaviours – and unless they are up-levelled the life experience does not change.

      He was ‘depressed’ and not taking responsibility for his inner wounding that is causing his depression.

      So of course he made you responsible for it – and because of your own inner wounding you took that responsibility.

      Naturally he was NEVER going to be able to commit to you and a baby because he couldn’t even COMMIT to HIMSELF…

      Do you see?

      How often do we expect (or hope) wounded people to take responsibility for us – when they can’t and don’t take responsibility for their own inner wounds?..

      That is an IMPOSSIBLE formula that never works – and that is why we can never be safe, loved and accepted by someone who will not take that responsibility for themselves..

      The answer ALWAYS is this – stop trying to diagnose them and fix them or painfully wait for them to ‘change’ – and get on to taking responsibility for our own wounding.

      THEN we will attract much healthier people,(or the people in our experience will up-level to meet us at this more empowered vibration) and we will no longer take the blame for someone else’s wounds, or try to get them to take responsibility for our own.

      Does this make sense?

      You truly can heal past this for yourself, and your beautiful baby to be…

      And then the patterns of pain STOP once and for all…

      Mel xo

  • filipe200x@hotmail.com'
    Filipe
    March 21, 2014

    In all honesty, the way you refer to narcissists as they were detached of regular humanity, seems a lot like a passive-agressive revenge against ‘abuse’ you/others you know might have suffered. Which, in the end, would be doing pretty much the same thing a narcissist does to their victims: Consciously diminishing/exposing people so you’ll feel better about yourself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Filipe,

      Just calling it as the phenomenon it is…

      My ‘happiness’ is not derived by any games of superiority / inferiority.

      That ego tactic does not generate ‘happiness’ or ‘better feelings’.

      Fully focusing on up-levelling my own wounds, and being released from my own pain and fear is the only true path I choose for freedom and joy.

      Mel xo

    • kiwiflyer@orcon.net.nz'
      Brent
      July 31, 2017

      This is the classic response that a narcissist would have and that’s the thing, this is a place where you will find narcissists studying up in an attempt to find more information that will help them to avoid exposure.

      • kiwiflyer@orcon.net.nz'
        Brent
        July 31, 2017

        My reply did not appear where i thought it would so to be clear I was referring to Filipe post.

  • jonquilmcd@gmail.com'
    Jonquil McDaniel
    March 21, 2014

    Btw, I decided to write about that because of this chameleons article. Is this the kind of behavior your talking about? Because personally I’ve never seen anything like it…. when we met, he seemed like this really stable, logical guy that was protective and safe… then he turned into this whiney, depressed, self pitying, indecisive, external blaming monster, and while I do love him enough to want to stand by him if he is having some kind of mental health issue, I also know mental health issues are no excuse for abusing others, and I’ve became rather concerned it’s not something on the depressive, bipolar, etc type spectrums (which someone can only help to a certain point before they have to rely on the understanding of others to fill in the gap they can’t close in on fire to their condition) but more on the personality disorder type spectrum (which can totally be fixed if not lessened in severity but most will never even attempt to).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Jonqui,

      you can only stand by someone safely when they choose to stand by themselves – period.

      And we can only stand healthily when we stand in and for ourselves.

      That’s where it all needs to begin.

      Mel xo

  • jonquilmcd@gmail.com'
    Jonquil McDaniel
    March 21, 2014

    Filipe, I specifically referred to a spectrum and not narcissism alone because narcissists feel, but there others on the spectrum, like sociopaths, that mostly do not. It’s not rage on my part, it’s acceptance of the existence of such personalities. I don’t appreciate your attempt to psycho analyze me unsolicited without a professional license or proper evaluation.

    • kiwiflyer@orcon.net.nz'
      Brent
      July 31, 2017

      Yes Jonquil, that is a problem with people mixing up normal narcissism with this very sick version of it, I’ve seen it call narcissistic personality disorder but even that is not defined the same everywhere but for sure Melanie is referring to the same type I have in mind in this article.

  • sarahgrayson@att.net'
    Sarah
    March 21, 2014

    Your articles are arrows that go straight to the heart of the matter. One of the best things to come of this journey of understanding is seeing others around me who have experienced similar wounds and sharing such a great message. Give someone a beacon, and they can find their way out of the darkness. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Sarah,

      I am so pleased this got to the heart of the matter for you.

      Keep shining your beacon too Sarah – the world needs it!

      Mel xo

  • jonquilmcd@gmail.com'
    Jonquil McDaniel
    March 21, 2014

    You know what, just forget it. Please delete my comments, whoever moderates this site. It was stupid to disclose on here in the first place.

    • harffert@yahoo.com'
      Michelle
      March 21, 2014

      Hello Jonquil, I don’t believe Filipe’s response was to you, but to Melanie. He is most likely a narcissist angered over the truth being spread, exposing him & empowering his supply. IMO, you expressed yourself just fine and said nothing wrong. I have also known personality disordered people who present VERY differently. There are several different types of personality disorders, but underneath how they outwardly present is where it’s basically all the same-no empathy. Only they matter. Melanie’s article on the altruistic N is VERY good. If we just live trusting our intuition & distancing and/or removing ourselves from people who feel bad or off RIGHT when we feel it, we’ll be OK. Stand tall, express yourself & shine.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 21, 2014

        Hi Michelle,

        correct – it WAS aimed at me!

        Mel xo

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        March 26, 2014

        Hello Jonquil, and Michelle,
        Michelle, you are right; Felipe was responding to Melanie’s post, and yes, he is a narc angry at having been outed. Jonquil, you are fine. You expressed yourself just fine; keep us posted – if you like – we support you in your efforts to heal from the ordeals you have gone through. Michelle, thanks for assuring Jonquil she is fine.
        I have noticed that it may be that narcs are getting nervous about Melanie’s articles and blogs, and they may start “trolling” on her blogs in an effort to discredit people like Melanie and those of us who follow her blogs with happy hearts.

  • catherinedeansyoga@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    March 21, 2014

    My mother was narcissistic and this article perfectly describes my upbringing. I learned at a very early age to never show what was important to me or she would break it, give it away or take it. As I got older, I learned not to react as she tried to push button after button after button to see which one would bring a reaction. And…yes…it WAS like having a vampire on my neck, sucking away. This went on her entire life. She lived with me twice as she aged and slipped into dementia (which, by the way, did NOTHING to change her narcissism). I found myself having to give her the support and care she never could provide me when I was younger. And, even at 90, she was trying to destroy the relationship between me and my soon-to-be husband. It’s sad to say, but I became a free woman when she died.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Catherine,

      Fabbo you can see what she was doing, and that you can be free!

      Mel xo

  • mgranger769@yahoo.com'
    M
    March 21, 2014

    Wow. This information is going to take some time to absorb and process but I think I am starting to see it. I am seeing where things he said and did were all designed to elicit a response to find my triggers. I would talk to him and say “this thing that you’re doing is hurting me. I don’t know why you’re doing it but I am letting you know that it hurts” I was vague about the consequences of continuing said offense as I wasn’t sure my self. He of course would apologize, the last time was to tell me he was seeking counselling. I think he did too because he came back and told me, very proud I might add, that the doctor told him he was a narcissist with “a heart of gold”. I’d never heard that diagnosis before. I was thinking bipolar, clinincally depressed, etc. Ironically, it was I who needed counselling following the eventual devaluing and discard that took place just a few weeks after his diagnosis. That was two years ago and I am still healing. Gosh Melanie, I don’t know how anyone else on here feels but I am scared of being taken in again or worse misjudging someone else. I am sure I work with another narcissist and possibly someone who is a sociopath. How do you know who is real?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi M,

      it truly is astounding how many people who don’t take responsibility will see ‘someone’ to get help and then come back with some excuse as to how ‘they are ok now’…

      Working on the inner being is a journey of deep inner dedication.

      I am also highly sceptical of cognitive therapy – because ‘talk’ therapy does not go to, or have the ability to get into the subconscious and transform inner wounding.

      The deeper path is something you may wish to strongly consider to gain true up-levelling of your own inner wounds.

      The fact you are still scared and feeling that fear is because you haven’t got to the true healing of them yet.

      We can never gauge or control our reality by focus on ‘the outside’ – not when everything is generated in our life from OUR inside.

      Mel xo

  • sophiekelly.kelly2@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    March 21, 2014

    Like you Melanie, I put up with all kinds of abuse but once I became aware there was another woman involved, that triggered such horror in me, I ended the relationship. That was one step too far for me. The greatest kicks he got out of me was how he neglected me, withdrew from me and then verbally abused me about how selfish, mean and lazy I was. I hated my integrity and good character being ridiculed. He had gone from wanting to be around me all the time (which I secretly loved) to total neglect in the last few years. You have been my rock for the last year Melanie and it was only through your blogs that I weaned myself off him and learnt so much about me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Sophie,

      yes we all did with narcs – hence why we were narc abused!

      One of our hugest hooks was the wound of ‘not being deemed good’ by other people, instead of being anchored into our own sourcing of ‘goodness’.

      Mel xo

  • Balou_@kpnmail.nl'
    Balou
    March 21, 2014

    I think part of the abuse is tailored to the victim personally, but not all of it.
    Everybody wants to be loved and validated, everybody needs security. It’s not weak to have these needs. Nobody wants to be lied to and cheated on. It hurts when someone does that to you. That’s not weak either.
    Of course, if you have old wounds, you should take care of them. But many of the needs, vulnerabilities, insecurities and fears that narcissists exploit are universal human traits. I have learned to identify, accept and embrace mine and to protect them better from dangerous people.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Balou,

      No it is NOT weak to have these needs.

      We are not meant to be ‘islands’- connections and love with others is a gorgeous and essential part of the human experience – and it is NOT an either / or proposition!

      When we do HAVE healthy self-love and self-acceptance, we start generating, attracting and sharing healthy and genuine love, and we know how to disconnect from unhealthy love – the neediness and trauma bonding through fear is gone.

      Sadly ‘universal traits’ are human co-dependency – holding others responsible for the lack of self-love and self-acceptance – the True Self function we CAN be that our own wounds are separating us from.

      And that is exactly what makes us susceptible to narcissistic abuse, and keeps feeding the existence of narcissism to continue.

      ‘Protection’ is contraction – it is holding back in fear. When we are full and whole, we can flow love, wholesomeness and our wonderful qualities outwards, knowing we can FULLY protect ourselves whilst doing so.

      It is only the healing of our own inner wounding and fears that allows us to do that.

      That is the goal.

      Mel xo

  • juliaoks@live.com'
    Julia
    March 21, 2014

    Great article! Thank you Melanie! Have agreat day 😀

  • debusc@ymail.com'
    cathy
    March 21, 2014

    Thank you Melanie for your great insight into this issue…I have a husband who is very NPD… he moved out on ME on my birthday a year ago…I intuitavly knew there was a major problem…now I am supposed to move out of this rental house after he lost our house due to taking too much money out of it… I was never awair of this…He still thinks he owns me …I have lost income due to cancer treatment which he paid for reluctatly…I have tryed to buy the NARP program with a debit card he gives me but it does not go thru… gan I pay by my own checking acct. I live in US Los angelews…THX L>C

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Cathy,

      I feel for you – there is often so much damage at the end of narc relationships…

      Please know you are NOT responsible to him…

      Ok it will need to be a credit card – or the other option you can do is set up PayPal and then your order will go straight through.

      I look forward to being with you in the NARP Member’s area, and helping with any personal assistance you require from me.

      Mel xo

  • sherri.grande@yahoo.com'
    Sherri Grande
    March 21, 2014

    Thank you again Melanie for your powerful insight that ALWAYS comes when I need it most. I am really struggling with figuring out how to stop the abuse and manipulation of my husband. I have been following your blog since our marriage imploded last summer and it has been immensly helpful. I carried the both examples of wounds that you gave in the article and just this week have begun to heal from them now that I have finally identified them. My husband absolutely withholds my desires from me-sex, a close functional family, intimacy, the things I’ve been told by therapists to communicate to him. It’s like the therapists are just fuel for his fire as well and it’s so disheartening. I know, as you say, that I’ve been served this to heal from my deep childhood stuff and yes, the women on both sides of my family have been the victims of abuse, infidelity, addiction, and on and on. I’m convinced it is in my DNA and will go back to your family of Origin ebook I purchased to clear this. Your work is amazing and so helpful. I know that the time is coming soon that I will need to leave and I’ll be able to do it w/a healed and open, loving heart.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Sherri,

      you are very welcome, and I am so pleased we are in synch!

      Fabbo you are really going into and transforming those childhood wounds. A big Yay to your transformation and liberation!

      And so true, when we work on releasing these wounds – there is NO attachment anymore, just the space and solidness to move forward into our true life.

      Mel xo

  • deanna_lyn@excite.com'
    DeDe
    March 21, 2014

    Melanie,

    Again, thank you for the insight! Each reading I am able to understand a little more…even though, I will be totally honest, I have a really hard time understanding Narcissism. I am making connections as to why I allow these people into my life – familiarity to my family of origin.

    What stood out for me, in this article, was when you stated the narcissist’s reason is, ‘I enjoy making you feel intense torment on a regular basis – this makes me believe I exist’. It’s so sad. And yet, I do believe it is true. My current narcissist says everything that I want to hear and more (sometimes shocking me). In fact, he asked me to marry him this past February. And then he disappears without following through on the promise.

    I also made the connection that he does not introduce me to his friends and he made sure (at the beginning of our relationship) that his mother doesn’t like me so that I am not around him to view him in other relationships. He’s been in several weddings, always invited to parties and events and has basically had the same group of friends since 5th grade (he’s 30). Which made me question him being a Narcissist. I couldn’t understand how no one else is seeing what I am???

    However, in the past 2 1/2 years that we’ve been in a relationship, he’s had 5 different jobs and is currently unemployed. He always asks about my job and feels happy when I’m upset about something. He doesn’t want me to be successful. He’s asked me many times to call in sick, come home early, or run away with him (quit my job).

    The connection I made today, after reading this, was when my dad was in his 40’s and dating, he wasn’t telling the women (who were my age or younger) that he had 7 children – only the last 3 (who were little). He only displayed photos of us when we were babies and never talked about us. When, by chance, his girlfriend picked up the phone, she had no idea who I was and began questioning me. I told her that I was the oldest, gave her my age (I was 3 years older than her), where I lived (400 miles away), and told her what photos on the wall (when I was a baby) were me.

    It seems I’ve recreated a way to “not be known.” (I’ve also done this in my career – I was a ghost writer for many years where I fixed scripts and books or helped write but had no credit).

    This makes me sad, but also shows me what I need to work on. What I need to allow and what not to allow. I know this is all about ME. And despite the pain, I am grateful for this narcissist who is able to show me what I need to work on to be a more powerful,self-loving, and capable person.

    Love you Melanie xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi DeDe,

      It’s very, very important to realise that trying to work out ‘all we can’ about narcissists – is a very clever way our ego prevents us putting our attention on where it needs to be – which of course is inside ourself.

      And even if we DO work out all there is to do with narcissists and narcissism, the relief doesn’t come, the pain does not subside, and we still struggle…why? Because that is not what this experience was truly about..

      It was about healing ourselves – and that is the only way the hooks, pain and obsession ends.

      This is so gorgeous that you are starting to connect the dots, you know what you need to work on – and as you do start working on it – the next and the next and the next step will be revealed to you by ‘your body’ as you are in there shifting and clearing…

      Another trap is to try to work out all of it analytically – the childhood patterns – when the REAL path is the going inside to the pain, feeling, claiming and shifting and then doing the same with the next body block that presents, and so on and so forth.

      We could all spend lifetimes in analysis with the ‘stuff at the top’ and never even get underneath to the true wounds.

      Make sense?

      Mel xo

      • deanna_lyn@excite.com'
        DeDe
        March 21, 2014

        Mel,
        What you are saying does make sense and I think that is why I’m having such a difficult time with all of it because I haven’t had the experience of being a “narcissist” I cannot wrap my brain around it and I want to “fix it” instead of just letting it be. I’m in my head too much of the time!!!

        I’ve been in therapy (psychotherapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Sandtray, etc) on/off for 30+ years and I’m not through it. I’m now taking yoga class and mindfulness meditation once a week to try and be more “in my body.”

        I do have more insight. I do see the patterns. However, I have not broken them. I also know that I’m afraid of intimacy and continually entering into and staying in abusive relationships allows me to stay “safe” from being intimate and allowing myself to be dependent on another (since I’ve been independent almost all of my life and this is scary to me).

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 21, 2014

          Hi DeDe,

          I am so glad it does..

          I had tried EVERYTHING too DeDe before Quanta Freedom Healing.

          Do NARP DeDe, then you will find and ‘do’ the direct path – truly..

          Mel xo

  • myettscr@aol.com'
    Rose
    March 21, 2014

    Hi!
    I was very impressed by this article. While my former narcissist boyfriend was a pathological liar he actually may have been telling the truth when he claimed he didn’t like to sleep with his last girlfriend on the other hand the two of us were very frisky at the time. I did notice that he “seemed” more respectful of the last girlfriend in the way he spoke of her.It sounded like she treated him like a schmuck which he seemed to tolerate which shocked me. If I did that my dead body would have been found in the river. I made a comment on how it seemed like a radical difference. He admitted that he treats everyone “differently.” I suspect that he had been golddigging her and I was just his sexual narcissist supply.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Rose,

      I am so glad this helped!

      And great you are seeing the crazy making. The bottom line is we will never REALLY know what was ‘real’…narcissists don’t either…

      Such is the truth of egoic illusions!

      Mel xo

  • gloriagregory10@aol.com'
    Annie Grace
    March 21, 2014

    Melanie, this is an extraordinary blog entry; I can’t thank you enough for validating and putting into words what I SAW in my Nx (who is at minimum a malignant narcissist, if not an outright sociopath – but they would behave the same, yes?).

    I saw that non-entity in him, that “dark” void, like a shadow character but really the core… but only once or twice. It scared the hell out of me. I also saw him change into a completely different person during a meeting with a female bank VP, and start sharing information on a topic about which he had feigned ignorance with me – for 22 years. omg.

    Thank you for taking this one step further and illuminating a missing piece, and that is “why” he is the way he is, and whether or not he can heal. I am 6 years into “knowing” and healing, and rebuilding, and this – your words – could not have been more timely.

    I have been working on myself – my wounds – I KNEW there was a reason, but couldn’t quite piece it all together and make the connection, despite counseling, despite groups. So with the end of this blog entry here, you’ve also given me a guide. I’m excited to reread it and plug into that which will help me grow and heal.

    i’m just amazed; thank you again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Annie,

      Yes, I don’t think it is worth splitting straws between ‘narcissist’ and ‘sociopath’ – it is all highly abusive and unliveable.

      Please understand that 6 years is a long time – contemporarily it is ‘normal’ but energetically that is a long time…

      My greatest desire (and work mission) is that people after that amount of time (and long before) have NOTHING to do with support groups, blog articles or narcissists is any shape or form because they are radiantly glowing and enjoying their True Selves in a completely different Universe!

      You are so welcome Annie!

      Mel xo

  • hanelinesx3@gmail.com'
    victoria
    March 21, 2014

    This is all very new to me. My husband of 20 years decided to walk out on his three children and myself due to all of my ( fictious affairs) that he believes to be true. I am overwhelmed at the information on narsissistic people and had no idea what i was dealing with until articles like this have opened my eyes to the false person i thought i loved. I have a long way to go but through a lot of therapy i am getting there.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Victoria,

      what that really means is the affairs he was having that he projected on to you..

      That’s what narcs do – accuse you of everything they do…

      Hugs and healing…and I am so glad you are starting to get some answers.

      Mel xo

  • saralou_d@yahoo.com'
    Sara
    March 21, 2014

    Wow! Thank you! So happy that I can see the healed wounds for myself. I even laughed a couple of times, recognizing myself. Every time I read your posts it sinks in a little deeper. Not in the angry way it used to, in making the narc the bad guy. But in just seeing myself as the co-dependent I always have been and seeing the new me emerge. You are with us, Melanie. And we are with you. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Sara,

      you are so welcome – and yes truly we are all connected and in this together!!

      Mel xo

  • olga_rikova@yahoo.com'
    Olga
    March 21, 2014

    Thank you, Melanie for this great article that explains even more the patterns of the narcissistic pathological behavior and the importance of healing our own wounds!

    My question is -how/when do we know that we are healed? I am “working hard” with NARP right now and the relief is enormous. And there are a lot of aspects that I know I don’t have an emotional charge anymore. I know that I would want to create a happy relationship in my life. In the mean time, I also know that the process of healing and expanding is endless. So, when does that knowing of “readiness” come?

    I read that after your first narcissist you took 3 years to heal. When you met your second narc-did you have a feeling that you are ready for the next relationship and that you’ve healed your wounds? What was that you’ve “missed” in your healing that led you to the second narc?

    Looking forward to your answer!

    Thank you!!

    Olga

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Olga,

      you are so welcome!!

      The fact is we are never going to be ‘perfectly healed’.

      Consciousness is the deal – being aware that every ‘trigger’ is relating to some inner wound that we need to clean up – and being dedicated to the up-levelling of ourselves…and realising IF we don’t that the ego creates a defence around the unhealed wound that creates ‘stories’ that IRONICALLY leads us EXACTLY into the REALITY of that wound (fear, pain)..

      That’s the simple formula…which really means we CAN engage in life and BE in life, if we are prepared to walk the journey consciously…

      Knowing ‘our body’ triggers grant us EVERYTHING we need to self-reflect, and then keep evolving and expanding into more joy, more love, and more of Who We Really Are (free of fear and pain)…

      The first narc took me a long time because I had not cracked the formula of energetic healing for most of that time.

      Once I did – I healed and was released extraordinarily quickly…

      Second narc – the bottom line is I had more to go – I had not realised HOW deep my stuff was, I was not diligent enough with it, and I had not cleaned up enough..

      I accepted the ‘triggers’ as ‘normal’ instead of keeping going into them to clear them…

      Also (I am sure) because this work is my life mission I REALLY had to learn more about it…

      For all of this personally and professionally I am SOOOOOOO grateful – because truly I have NEVER felt as expansive, free and in love with life and me than I do now…

      My soul gave me everything I needed and some!!

      I hope this helps explain!

      Mel xo

  • olga_rikova@yahoo.com'
    Olga
    March 21, 2014

    “That’s the simple formula…which really means we CAN engage in life and BE in life, if we are prepared to walk the journey consciously…”–
    oh my gooddness, Melanie- I really really needed to hear that. This is such a powerful statement!

    Thank you, your answer helped me so much!!!
    Olga

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Olga,

      It is GORGEOUS being able to be FULLY in life…

      Sooooo much joy!

      I am so glad that helped!

      Mel xo

  • nicvan@aussiemail.com.au'
    Nic
    March 21, 2014

    OMG that is so interesting to read! I remember after leaving my ex he did ALL the things I ever pleaded to do with the next girlfriend! Almost like he wanted to rub salt into the wound by doing those things with her to spite me. He went on holiday to NZ (too expensive, too far away). He went on a cruise (they are so boring). He moved out to the country to live (I could never live in the country you have to be near a hospital and people). They are seriously effed up people aren’t they???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Nic,

      yes this is ‘normal’ narc behaviour…

      And very ‘f’d up!

      Again, again bring it back to ‘what do I need to heal’…

      Our egos love ‘judgement’ it’s just another way to generate pain in our bodies!

      Mel xo

  • sanrya2003@yahoo.com'
    Kathy K
    March 21, 2014

    Melanie again you nailed it !!!

    After reading your E Books and doing some Narp I felt some relief…but your last two articles have brought tears to my eyes. They have hit home to me in words I can’t describe. Yes, we all need to evolve and move beyond this madness, I can’t count how many times great things were sabotage with family and friends because of my being the organizer of a holiday or a simple Sunday family dinner. Things always had to “have a disappointed factor” involved due to my planning it. Nothing could be pure or simple…or should I say normal. Everything had to have some form of “aftershock” if the spotlight wasn’t on him. His daughter even told me that she wouldn’t be upset if I left him after one incident. I guess the point I would like to make is that after years of abuse starting with childhood I’m starting to Really feel Free…left my relationship 2 years ago. I started reading books on Narcissists before I left not knowing what I was dealing with but due to surfing the Internet and had a huge A HA moment…which lead me to your webset. But before leaving do to my change on how I felt about the relationship major devaluation and discard started to happen. Something came over me which I can’t explain…I suddenly had this great peace and energy with all the madness whilst still working a fulltime job…everything seem to fall into place as if it was meant to be. I’ve never really looked back, at times in the beginng might of been a little curious but not enough to be treated like that again. So a big Thank You Melanie for all that you do for us….My life has changed sooo much because of you and I’m forever Greatful. Ps..A good look in the mirror to see or check in on yourself never hurts either…we’re all beautiful cause that’s how our source created us. KK

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Kathy,

      I am so glad these ones are really bringing it home for you!

      Gorgeous you are up-levelling, breaking free, and connecting to Who You Really Are – which is a magnificent creation of Source / Life / God.

      Our ego would have us think that is ‘arrogant’ – but in fact it is ‘arrogant’ to not believe that…

      When we know we are unconditionally loved and accepted, it is sooo easy to want to accept ourselves ‘warts and all’ and commit to growing and expanding…

      Gorgeous Kathy, and you are so very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Tifferr1220@yahoo.com'
    Tiffany
    March 21, 2014

    You always have a way of showing up in my inbox at just the right time. I needed this intervention tonight. I get these thoughts in my head that I can be the one to open my ex N’s eyes and heart. If I just let him know I understand the pain he suffered as an unwanted child, if I just show him unconditional love and acceptance, then he will be healed. I saw the crack where his ego was shattered for about a 10 hour period and I fell in love with that broken man. But it was all buttoned up and history the next day. Everything was my fault again.

    Good grief! I know how ridiculous this is to think I can fix him. I think I have a bigger ego than he. Lots of co-dependant behaviors in me I must continue to work on. I need to direct this attention and love back to me. But geez, this is like fighting a nasty addiction. Little Miss Fix It. Thinks she can play God. Haha! That’s me!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Tiffany,

      I am so pleased this article did intervene.

      Yes, unfortunately the ‘window of humility’ does not last for long…

      That is SO honest Tiffany – and thank you so much for expressing that…because it is VERY true – “How much of our ego is invested and trying to run the show?”.

      What RIGHT do we think we have to try to force another person against their will to change in order to make us safe, whole and happy!?!

      Life shows us the painful results of trying to enforce that ‘right’…

      Totally 100% this is about focusing the ‘fixer’ energy on the only being we do have the right and ability to change – with love and commitment.

      Brilliant post Tiffany!

      Mel xo

  • joanne.green@humancapitalrealisation.com'
    Joanne
    March 21, 2014

    I am a little confused every aspect about the cracks the anger the self absorption and self promotion all fit my narc. He was ins ales an constantly scanning people for how he could manipulate them.
    My wounds are obvious no father figure, a fear of abandonment and low self esteem. He seemed to use these to hook me in and to ultimately lead me to believe I was totally dependant on him and could not survive without him this also suited his ego. Rather than deny me the stability i so dearly craved he supplied it and then had ultimate control with the threat of removing it if I did not comply with his way or the highway theory.
    Was he really a Narc ?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2014

      Hi Joanne,

      it sounds like he was…

      But really the question is “What wounds of mine created such a painful relationship in my life experience?”

      It is inevitable when we have dire fears of abandonment and fears of not being able to generate our own life and security (inner painful belief systems from young wounds) that life will bring EXACTLY the evidence of those faulty beliefs.

      I promise you Joanne that was EXACTLY some of my deepest darkest wounding…

      Life does not throw dice – it brings us experiences that match our inner being..

      You have stated it perfectly ‘the security I craved’…

      Now that you have the wonderful humility to recognise these wounds – the next thing is to fully commit to yourself to BECOME a being who is sourcing security, emotional wholeness, love and wellbeing authentically (not from ‘the outside’).

      Then you will attract life and love experiences which match THAT.

      What he was or wasn’t (as per an absolute diagnosis) is not important for all of these reasons above.

      He was ONLY your catalyst showing you what you need to heal, and if he hadn’t shown up – someone ELSE exactly like him would have…

      Mel xo

  • tanyss111@gmail.com'
    Tanyss
    March 21, 2014

    This is the best article I have ever read! Major light bulb went off for me. It’s been 8 months since my discard, to which I responded with an iron clad NC which has been pretty easy to enforce, actually. It helped me take my power back and the message I sent was unmistakable: ‘No more!’.
    During the last month of our ‘relationship’ I was in literal hell with my ex: a four week silent treatment on the other side of the planet with NO support system, a barely working phone and internet. I managed to find you and educated myself on narcissists, realized I could not tolerate any further abuse, and began to leave on my own terms. I’ve made it through the fire, but am intent on never repeating my pattern (I’m a codependent with the ‘not good enough’ wound). This latest illumination of your will be another life changer for me.
    During those weeks of agonizing isolation, I listened to your MP3s, over and over. I can honestly say you saved my life. I can never thank you enough.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi Tanyss,

      I am so glad big clarity happened for you as a result of reading this!

      Great stuff that you are focusing on cleaning up what really needs to be – which is the false beliefs and painful emotions inside of YOU!

      Keep working the MP3s and cleaning out that junk of “I’m not good enough’ and that will clean the abuse up and out of your life!!

      Yay…(p.s make sure you REALLY work the visualisations in the healings and not just listen to them!!)

      Mel xo

  • loreenlamb@gmail.com'
    Loreen
    March 21, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    After being completely devoted and attached in every possible way to a narc for 30+ years I finally found the courage to leave. He still abuses me every chance he gets. I try to do no contact but we have 4 children together which makes it difficult.I am now in another relationship after having being on my own for a few years and I am more unhappy than ever. He doesn’t seem to be a narc at all but he brings the worst out in me. He is distant and completely different now that I have moved in with him. I can’t pin point anything in particular but he frustrates me to the point that I am verbally sharp and nasty. He is a person that starts everything and finishes nothing. He has barely no understanding of anything psychological and lives the most simple life ever. I don’t understand why I have landed up in a relationship like this. I am in a financial bind and can’t leave right now. I do intend to as soon as I get on my feet but it concerns me about future relationships of any kind. Is this the after effects of narc trauma? Is this man a narc in a different way? I am so confused.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi Loreen,

      truly the whole goal of this article is to inspire NECESSARY self-reflection..

      The real question you need to ask are “What is it about my unhealed emotional wounds which are generating these realities in my life?”

      The after effects of narcissistic abuse, are no different from the effects of narcissistic abuse…

      IF we evolve ourselves by facing what we need to heal – we CHANGE our life…

      If we DON’T the pattern of painful relationships continue..

      That is the truth point blank…

      This is never about ‘them’ – it is about the state of our own inner being.

      Mel xo

  • jenny.chantler@yahoo.co.uk'
    Jenny
    March 21, 2014

    Dear Mel

    This, for me, has been your best ever blog and I’m going to print it off to read whenever I have future moments of weakness and self doubt. I’ve managed No Contact for 3 years despite my exN’s “loving” cards on my birthday and at Christmas, which I now bin unopened. But as they still trouble me I’ve got a bit obsessed about ways of stopping them. Now I know I must just carry on ignoring them even if he goes on – any response would give him something to feed off, or narcissistically rage about, whereas this way he’s still just fishing. I can deal with that and even use it as a reminder of the dangers of not being true to myself or not nurturing the weaker parts of my boundaries.

    I have done a lot of work on this alone but I can’t thank you enough for offering a support system that helps nail the healing into place. It is great not to feel alone but also not held in a place where we all just swop sob stories and remain victims.

    Love and light

    Jenny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi Jenny,

      this is a perfect example – of a trapped inner wound that has not been ‘got to’ and released yet..

      Hence why after 3 years you are still getting triggered significantly enough to write about it…and WHY he can still TRY to hook you for narcissistic supply.

      I promise you this with ALL of my heart – that IF you had healed those inner wounds – he would NOT be sending you anything – it would be a straight forward Law of Attraction impossibility..

      He would not even be able to operate in the same Universe…

      Also ‘I have managed No Contact’ for this period of time means you are playing at ‘surviving’ and not ‘Thriving’…

      This TRUE healing journey is not about managing and having to struggle and tell yourself you have to ‘ignore’ it – it is about having healed the inner painful young belief systems inside you so that you DO evolve WAY past this..

      Hun, you have not yet nailed the healing into place – and after 3 years it really is time you did – enough is enough for you…

      After 3 years you should not be posting here – you should be wayyy to busy generating your real and incredible life..

      Mel xo

  • clancyb7@gmail.com'
    C
    March 21, 2014

    I never in a million years expected to recently discover that not only my Mother, ex partner are severe narcissists, but also my 19 year old son seems to be one too.I have been under his control without realizing it for some time.It has been hard to come to this conclusion, as I kept telling myself he’s just being a teenager.Recently it’s got worse, as I have been trying to reach him on a deeper level. I am having EMDR treament for past trauma and decided to share my experience of this with him, because I thought it would help.He has been behaving very emotionally abusive to me and virtually ignores his younger brother, except to bully him and belittle him.Both my younger son and I are at the depths of despair that my eldest is a mirror image of the Father.I kept telling myself I was just seeing genetic traits.Reading your last article on the metaphorical Castle and trapped child and now this one, just screamed out to me that I am living with my precious boy whom hurts us just as his Father before him, but will not accept any responsibility for his behaviour.I am devastated to think that he is lost and I cannot help him, if he is a narcissist. He refuses to seek help and when I thought I might have reached him, the next day he was ten times worse towards me.What can I do, hes my son? Thank you for your wonderful work.I have also done a lot of research on Sam Vadkim.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi C,

      it does feel incredibly painful and tragic when children are involved.

      There are two things that are essential..

      The first VITAL step for our children is to heal and evolve ourselves..

      The second is to do the powerful work on our inner being in regard to how we perceive the child we are concerned about vibrationally.

      If you go back though my blog – you will see an article specifically dedicated to children that I wrote. The processes I wrote about has created miracles with my own son, and for many other people who use that process.

      Mel xo

  • mgranger769@yahoo.com'
    M
    March 22, 2014

    Dear Melanie,

    What is the difference between quanta freedom healing and NARP? I am not sure which one to try. My NARC relationship ended two years ago. He is now married. Unfortunately I work in an office with his mother and sister who may very well be sociopaths. I am in job search and they have started their slander routine that you spoke about in one of your blogs, so I wasn’t surprised by this just hurt, angry, defensive. When I confronted them about their lies (and I did! I was so proud. I went in all guns blazing ready to defend) the boss took their side. I could not believe it. I had ALL my ducks in a row. It was concrete. I was in therapy at the time and even my shrink told me I needed to get out of there. Now, while I am still working there, they have been basically given a license to terrorize. I am still shaking my head in disbelief as I write this.
    Despite that, I believe I am actually doing well. I follow your blogs and radioshows. I reread all the narcissist recovery steps emails you started sending out in 2012 whenever I feel I need a reminder how far I’ve come. I just have trouble standing up for myself and being able to recognize a sociopath or a narcissist.
    I have more conviction, strength and bravery to protect a stray animal than I do myself. I am a very well educated, quick witted woman who turns into a pile of goo when I encounter someone who wants to bully ME. Now if they’re bullying someone else I am ready for battle. I can’t seem to engage my brain when I’m the target. I actually do like myself now but I miss the part of me that was innocent sometimes (and I don’t want to lose anymore of that if possible). Now I am so afraid to be vulnerable. I don’t want to carry this paranoia to my new job. You have really helped me so much I’m just not quite there yet.
    Where do I start?

    Thanks Mel~

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi M,

      QFH is the healing system IN NARP…they are the same thing.

      Ok you have recognised a ‘young, fearful, timid’ inner wound that doesn’t believe she can stand up – and goes to ‘goo” – I would state virtually ALL people who have suffered narc abuse carry a huge fear of speaking up and laying boundaries.

      That is what the NARP Program is all about – reaching inside your subconscious and up-levelling that wound and countless others that caused us to hand our power over and get narc abused.

      Then you simply will not ‘show up’ in life like that anymore.

      That’s the deal!

      Mel xo

  • myettscr@aol.com'
    R
    March 22, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    Yes. Thanks! Definitely crazy making. The only reason why I discovered he was a narcissist relatively early is because I made some calls to a psychiatrist and a psychologist commenting on his bizzare behavior. while they wished they could evaluate him they were confident he’s a narcissist. it seems like he ran through his ex girlfriend’s money with his incompetent real estate investing. he has a young child with her and would whine to me about the child support and alimony. he was very creepy in a way he insinuated he wanted to get ‘rid,’ of her. Though wait a few minutes and that personality of foul intent would appear gone and a “reasonable” personality would appear so quickly I wondered if I imagined what he said. I knew better than to bring it up because he would just gaslight. I had to take a picture of two different texts he once sent to me. in one he is a ranting lunatic and in the other the tone is calm and very formal. I took pictures noting the difference worrying If I didn’t have proof of the difference I would go crazy myself. what was so creepy that after he sent the lunatic text, I called him adamant that he not send texts like that he sounded playful. I suspect he liked the negative attention. I wondered if he had antisocial personality streaks because of his bragging and claims that he assaulted random people on the street and in his office. I think he was once in a disassociative state twice. once with alcohol the other time without. the first time without it his eyes bugged out and he seemed lost. the second time while drunk he admitted that he isn’t a nice person and can’t form attachments.

  • amanda.onions@gmail.com'
    Mandy
    March 22, 2014

    Getting a lot of this after being apart from the narc for a year and working on myself but I still cant get past the why is the new partner getting everything I worked so hard to get and it seems she gets it with so little effort any advice be helpful thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi Mandy,

      The fact you are stuck and can’t let go of these thoughts is because – you have made him YOUR source of happiness, love, success and wellbeing – instead of focusing all of your energy on healing yourself to become that Source to yourself (which will then attract another AUTHENTIC source).

      Until you do – the pain and obsession will continue (which is really about your unhealed disconnection with yourself that your egoic mind is pinning on ‘him and her’) – and / or some other ‘False Source’ will come into you life again to grant you enough pain to get on to becoming a True Source to yourself.

      Get the picture?

      Mel xo

  • Ladybird3566@yahoo.co.uk'
    Claire
    March 22, 2014

    Chameleons what a brill description and that’s why they go undetected by those who aren’t their supply. When I finally trusted my instincts and realised that he was indeed having an affair I too found out she was allowed to enjoy all the things I wasn’t all things italian art opera etc. He also had has a very strange attitude to money. He wouldn’t spend Christmas. Mothers Day didn’t apply because I wasn’t his mother. Every holiday anniversary he lost his wallet. It was a standing joke with my family and yet they didn’t recognise the abuse because of his ability to blend. What I noticed was it took a huge effort for him to do it for any time. He wears clothes that are older than the ages of my children combined. I think he saw this as a virtue. He wanted me to take early retirement as there was a sizable pot available for those who qualified. When I didn’t do what I wanted he turned up the pressure. Now that I have ended the relationship he is doing his level best to discredit me though work. He did control and manipulate every aspect of my life. He accused me too of having affairs. Yet he still is believed by members if my family. He has had nothing good to say about me and I now find out he has been spreading poison for years. He laughed when I told him I wanted a divorce, he thought the marriage was worth saving. Thank you Melanie for your words of wisdom I know knew it wasn’t my fault. If it hadn’t been me it would have been someone else. But how dare I have the nerve to tell him it was over. After telling my brother in law I was a thief and controlling, he sent my brother round to ask if there was any chance of a reconciliation?
    This display of entitlement and manipulation confirmed everything to me. Funnily enough before I found out about NPD I called him a vampire, always jokingly or there would have been a row big as a house, but in reality I meant it a dark soul with no reflection. Thank you again you have reassured me I have done the right thing despite the fallout.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      HI Claire,

      you are so welcome…

      You point of empowerment here is not so much “If it hadn’t been me, it would have been someone else..”…but rather “If it hadn’t been him, it would have been someone else”..

      What was your soul bringing to your attention about YOU?

      Where can you expand and grow to (not contract) as a result of what happened?

      Mel xo

  • tdalessio@earthlink.net'
    Traci
    March 22, 2014

    Melanie –

    Absolutely so spot on that it’s frightening! Kudos to all the work you’ve done in this arena – so few people take this disorder, and the damage it inflicts seriously, including narcissistic parents and how they “set” their children up to perpetuate either NPD or Co-D” issues.

    Your depiction of this empty shell that has no persona of its own, is right on target – I would often comment directly to him that he reflects whatever he’s standing next to – from the words he used to the cars he purchased – were all someone else’s preferences, never his own. Stepford Wives style – strange.

    The latest and most damaging round of Narcissists in my life (there have been several over the past 3 decades, not including parents!) was a double whammy, in that we were both personal and professional partners – not that you could call an N a “partner”. Add to that another of “our” business partners who was also NPD, and so I was being sucked dry personally, professionally and financially by TWO of them at once. Fun stuff!

    Thankfully I have always been on the spiritual path, but as is typical, that slowly fell to the wayside as I attended to HIM. At least up until the last 4 years, where I slowly came out of my co-dependendy coma, and started to take my power back, stop fighting for what I’d never get, and start remembering that the only real power there is, is within ourselves and connection to source.

    It took me decades to learn this lesson, and ultimately, we should thank those NPD’s in our lives, as they prove to be the perfect foil for our own self-empowerment. Once we FULLY realize our own true identities and connect to “source”, we never again look outside of ourselves for that validation – then we are truly free.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      HI Traci,

      thank you!

      It is so, so important to maintain consciousness and self-dedication in relationships – and to know it is NOT selfish – it is self-aware!

      So, so true we can be enormously grateful for these experiences! Because when we ‘come home’ – we wonder how we ever lived ‘separated’..

      Mel xo

  • Suzyarus@verizon.net'
    Suzanne
    March 22, 2014

    Melanie….another masterpiece you have written for us… I have been in two NPD relationships that have spanned over almost a 30 Year period. Like many people here I discovered NPD accidentally (as it was my time to) and thank the universe I discovered You! I thought I had many questions to ask but after reading all your material I do get it! However I still do not understand two things that maybe you can help me please.. ? 1) both these men came from seemingly healthy family environments, I.e., happily married 30-50 years, 1 widowed …. I was very close to the mothers and there was no indication of any dis-function in the family unit (unlike mine that was totally)…so the question is….do you have any examples of what would cause a child in a good environment to become N….2). Why do we a co-dependents still feel sorry for them and want to help them even though we completely understand what NPD is about and KNOW we need to heel ourselves…..why are we still soooooo vulnerable? Thank you again for all you do for us!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi Suzanne,

      unless you are the child living in that environment you could not possibly know..

      Over entitlement can create it, too busy working to reflect back essential emotional mirroring before 7 years of age…all sorts of reasons – even a genetic fault from ancestors..

      Ok as a co-dependent who feels sorry / responsible for a narc – there is an inner wound – “I need to rescue others to be loved’ (and many others) which were programmed at a vey young age…

      It is one of the most common hooks that keep people attached to narcs, which is why it has a full healing Module (number 6) dedicated to it in NARP.

      While those wounds remains in you it manifests as keeping attached to people who are ‘sick’ (not taking self-responsibility) who hurt you..

      Once those wounds are healed you won’t imagine why you would.

      Mel xo

  • joyjsher@hotmail.com'
    Liza
    March 22, 2014

    Thank you Melanie for your articles and insights on the narcissist. It took me 56 years to figure out my sister and mother were narcs. Unfortunately my father left my sister and I in a couple of partnerships of which she took over the controls when he died (she froze me out of everything) I was working 60 hrs a week at the time. It’s remarkable how both her and my mother (who divorced my father long ago) changed completely after he died. 7 years later sister is still in control and obviously using the bank account as her personal one. The only way to handle this after struggling for years pleading with her to treat me like a partner, is to take money out of the account for myself. I did take some money out for the first time 2 mo’s ago. They were furious and now neither one communicates with me (which is kind of nice not hearing from them) but there is all this financial stuff in the background that will come up again. I get that is part of their game – to keep me as far away from the money as possible. They know all I’ve ever wanted was peace in our family but clearly I was barking up the wrong tree for that to happen. It’s all about money for them and now it needs to be for me otherwise I will get nothing of what my father intended by making us equal partners. FYI-my mother is not a partner, she’s just fiercely protective of my sister as she writes checks to her each month. Obviously, my mother doesn’t care about a relationship with me, which I’m emotionally sorting through now.
    I’m grateful for any thoughts you may have on this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi Liza,

      you hopefully have understood by my work and articles – that I don’t have any solutions regarding narcs – and what they do or don’t do…because there are NONE with that focus, and I know that focus simply feeds victimisation and powerlessness.

      We can’t control or change narcs – or ANYONE for that matter – that is simply co-dependency and our ego keeping us detached from going inside (to what we really need to heal) by focusing on ‘the outside’, staying in our heads and generating more pain..

      Those are my thoughts…

      Mel xo

  • nadinebernacki@yahoo.ca'
    Nadine
    March 23, 2014

    This is so breathtakingly true. I used to describe my Mother as like a vampire before I knew about narcissism. I suffered for more than 40 years with her before I finally broke free. And now I am free and healing and growing at an astounding rate. Life is good. Thanks Mel 🙂

  • D09johnson@outlook.com'
    Dee
    March 23, 2014

    This is my first experience with a narcissist and boy what a roller coaster! I became so confused and started doubting myself, I began keeping records of conversations to ensure I was not loosing my mind. I was always confused about how he would be fine and within the hour I was dancing with the devil himself. I never understood the cold evil look in his eyes, how can someone turn on me and look at me as if I was his enemy, those looks came when If I did not do as I was told, or did not agree with his version of past events. We have a child together, it’s my belief that he refuses to play a part in her life simply because he knows it’s important to me. He dangles the fact that he sees his other two kids on a regular basis, not exactly sure what he is trying to prove. But it’s my belief that I am not very good narc supply and my daughter is devalued and abandon as well. These people are pure evil, he has managed to convince his entire family that I am crazy and unstable, despite the fact that I’ve raised two very successful sons who has excelled in ever area of their lives. I am university educated, yet to him I am the most stupid individual he has met! I moved into a new home and despite the fact that he is a builder, he downright refused to help me redecorate my new home! Not even his daughters room. Bearing in mind this is a man that I lent and gave thousands in money to help him in time of need. Once upon a time I was so beautiful, now I’m fat. He would call me just to flaunt his new girlfriends to me, has made my life hell. But according to him he is the victim. I really pray for the day I would rid him from my life completely.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      HI Dee,

      we get rid of narcs, and the pain and the fear and the obsessions when we heal what we needed to look at – period!

      Our souls are vey clever – they keep things like cancer and narc torment going until we get the message!

      Mel xo

      • D09johnson@outlook.com'
        Dee
        March 26, 2014

        Dear Mel

        Why do I feel as though I can make him better? If I live him more and show him how committed I am. For the past four years I have gone around and around in circles, I hate the fact that I feel like I can’t just walk away. One day I feel I want closure, next I want revenge for feeling targeted, then I feel If I don’t know what to do. I hate feeling this way, I have gone from a confident successful independent woman, to this insecure person I don’t recognise, I want to be free, but we have a child and that puts me on a guilt train!!! Help

  • joanne.cassar@um.edu.mt'
    Jewel
    March 23, 2014

    A very big thanks for these insights dearest Mel. Examples about the narcs’ tactics such as seeking what makes others tick so that they get narcissistic supply and having great interest with body language to grasp how to act are exactly what i saw in narcs. Ex narc bought books on body language and on how to persuade others!! That is also why they treat people differently, that is they don’t treat all their colleagues the same, all their children in the same way etc.

    I’m so grateful i am out of that net, i am safe and very happy :-). Love to all. XXXXX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi Jewel,

      you are very welcome.

      It’s lovely you are free! Much love to you too!

      Mel xo

  • deanna_lyn@excite.com'
    DeDe
    March 23, 2014

    Mel,
    Why do I feel so much pain when I am in “NO Contact”? I logically know that we shouldn’t be together, but the craving of him is so intense. I cry. I exercise. I go online. I read. I try to stay busy – do anything I can not to call/text him. Why doesn’t any of this work?

    • mgranger769@yahoo.com'
      M
      March 23, 2014

      Hang in there DeDe!!

      I was there!! Everyone heals at different rates but this is truly a chemical in your brain that causes the addiction. Whatever in your past that has led you to this relationship started this whole thing, as Melanie is explaining. Somewhere in your past, you had a similar emotional response. Your brain, body, soul isn’t making the connection that it is a different person, a different situation, just that it is familiar emotion. A strong emotion, strong enough to trigger an addictive reaction. Just like alcohol, nicotine, heroin etc. You want to make contact not so much to feel good, but to stop feeling bad. Think about it. You know the relationship is not going to go anywhere. I know you want it to but he is not real, he is a chameleon as Mel has stated. He may tell you what you want to hear for a while but it just prolongs the pain. He may even try to contact you. I am praying for you. Keep reading, follow the blogs, I know how much this hurts. But try to understand this is an addiction and like any addiction you have to get “it” out of your system before you can see things clearly. But unlike any other substance addiction this one plays you on a much deeper level. It’s not just physical, but emotional, psychological and spiritual. It can make you question your faith because if you are co-dependent, you feel guilty like you’re abandoning someone who needs your help. But you are not abandoning anyone by doing NC. Indeed, quite the opposite. Every time you break NC, you are abandoning the part of yourself that deeply needs you! It is calling out to you for help in healing by bringing this “thing” into your life to help you see it. Don’t abandon yourself!! Love your self like you are your own best friend. Would you let your best friend rush into danger? Of course not, protect yourself, your very best friend who will always be with you!! Praying for you. Remember, you have to get it out of your system. It takes time, it takes support and you must love yourself above all!! Peace and love sister!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2014

      Hi De De,

      because there are inner wounded parts of you – that you established before 7 years of age (subconscious programs) as well as inherited ancestral belief systems that have been running your reality of painful relationships and abuse – without you knowing it.

      Until you go to them and heal them – the pain will continue.

      Gaining information and exercising is not the deep inner work that CAN access and heal your subconscious.

      If you are ready to do the real inner work – NARP is the exact answer.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

      Mel xo

  • lee.21.hill@gmail.com'
    Sharon
    March 23, 2014

    Thanks Mel once again.This article removed yet another layer of doubt about my experiences in an abusive and severely narcissistic relationship/co dependant relationship.
    After my marriage ended (by me) because the manipulations and lies had damaged my mental health and diminished me to a shell of a woman who couldn’t function. He was a con man who love bombs ‘needy’ (usually) divorced women and sucks them dry. He has a different persona for every situation and person to get maximum returns for himself. It feels like i was with someone quite evil because when i finally caught on he was like a zombie in his behaviour. A mental rapist; who robbs women and disempowers them. I have learnt soo much about myself from this experience and have changed at my core from my desire to build people up to get love and turn a blind eye and rescue. You are right that he was my greatest teacher but shedding my old self was as painful as giving birth. I never stop learning from your articles and thank heavens you are getting the word out about this rampant decease. I escaped out of the rabbit hole and i work everyday to keep my energy field clear of narcissism and check my weaknesses; where i invite it in with my neediness. You are changing lives and i hope it empowers women to shift that energy in the world. Our son’s and daughters will be stronger and narcissist free when brought up by clear and less fearful women. Thank you for all you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 24, 2014

      Hi Sharon,

      you are so welcome!

      Great you have identified the needy parts you have needed to shore up…

      Absolutely women need to turn around and heal centuries of powerlessness, and being ‘small’…

      Men also need to source more authentically through heart space and love – the onus is on all of us to release fear and pain and connect to love.

      Mel xo

  • ladytiger2006@gmail.com'
    marquis (female)
    March 24, 2014

    This explains my parents especially my dad! My now ex therapist seem to feel sorry for them and excused their behaviors towards my siblings and I. I told her then the state should’ve taken us away from them. I explained in detail to her about my narc parents, there is lots of pitting my siblings against one another.

    Narcs disgust me and I still live with my narc parents since my whole worth was stripped which is why I never left home didn’t have any life experience.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 24, 2014

    Hi Marquis,

    the truth is we have all been victims of victims – even your parents.

    You are NOT your parents patterns, or the generations before them if you choose to evolve yourself…

    Wounded people do not have the capacity to heal our wounds – only we do.

    Mel xo

  • meganzopf@yahoo.com'
    Megan Zopf
    March 26, 2014

    Thank you Melanie for wanting people to reach the point in life you have. Knowing something and feelings are so different. But I do know that this place and your work will help me get to the other side so I can fully live. Right now, I am walking around numb as it is my way to survive.:(
    Megan

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    March 28, 2014

    Found this article very helpful in explaining something that I did not understand. I was always struck by how he would promise xyz and be so sincere, yet would never follow through and I was constantly disappointed. Kept being disappointed until one Sunday morning, I decided not to waste on more moment of my life waiting for him to participate in activities that were important to me.

    That was a turning point and I decided that if I wanted to have an enjoyable weekend, then it was up to me to create it.

    From this article it appears that he knew what was important to me and sabotaged every attempt at an outing or other thing that I wanted. No wonder I was disappointed!

    It is not important now, because I think I have moved on and have healed a lot. Still have a way to go, but am becoming more and more a source to myself every day and week.I am not the same person who started NARP just over a year ago in a very desperate state. I am a completely new an empowered person these days.

    Thank you Mel. If I had not found you and your work, I would not be where I am today and I am extremely grateful.

  • ginadestafney@comcast.net'
    Gina Marie
    March 29, 2014

    Your information has helped me tremendously in understanding the faces of narcissism. My question is…why do they say they love you so much in the first couple of years, then as they are exposed, they never mention the word. After ending my relationship, my narc explained that it isn’t a word that he “throws around” even to his children. Then WHY DID he always say in a weak moment, “I am madly in love with you…don’t you understand that??”. Only to say later “I should not have burdened you with that”. They do not love themselves, I understand, but it’s so confusing!! He has admitted to all of his bad behavior, has apologized and is seeking help, but he won’t explain how he can “ADORE” me and not be able to express he word love..is he protecting himself from me? I’d really appreciate your comments. Thanks Mel for being such an inspiration!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2014

      Hi Gina Marie,

      it is a very sad part of our co-dependency when we assume that all words ‘are the truth’..

      Have you not realised by now that narcs love-bomb and don’t have integrity.

      ‘Love’ was all about you feeding the False Self (the narc is NOT a real personality), and of course you are ‘adored’ for that – but then you are HATED for challenging it in ANY shape of form (broken glass is an understatement)…

      Can you understand conditional love is NOT real love…????

      Gina, Gina in your life, this is NOT about his issues (monstrous and if NPD untreatable) this is about WHAT are your wounds that are throttling you and keeping you attached to the very man who is giving you the message of what these wounds are?

      He is making conscious for you YOUR unhealed past – he is NOT there to fix them for you..

      Gina I am actually very saddened when my information doesn’t really do it’s highest purpose which is to send people home to looking at, understanding and healing themselves and instead is used by people as ‘narc’ information –

      Mel xo

  • ginadestafney@comcast.net'
    Gina Marie
    April 1, 2014

    Thank you Mel, as always for your insight!
    I am 4 months narc free, so I believe there will be days when we look back and try to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. I now know that this person was brought into my life to make me conscious of my childhood wounds…and my co-dependency issues. He has after 5 long years asked forgiveness from myself, our friends and family and he has admitted has demons and has done terrible things to all of us. He actually has admitted he tried to play on my insecurities and made me doubt myself. WOW, this is all we ALL wanted to hear…the apology!! I am happy for him that he’s in therapy, BUT he is no longer my “project”. I have moved forward and I LOVE who I am and growing stronger everyday. I just occasionally have those “hmmm…scratching my head” moments that come up. Thank you Mel…I love how you “shoot straight from the hip” and care so deeply for all of us…God Bless You!!

  • joseph.jarvis@btinternet.com'
    Joseph
    April 4, 2014

    Thank you so much, Mel.

    I’ve only recently understood that my father is a narcissist. Regrettably, it’s taken a lifetime to see this in all its shapes, forms and complexity. Also that life has become about survival, not living to true potential.

    My dear mother now recognises the signs and is coming to terms with the narcissism. We still undergo the daily abuse, but can ‘put a label’ on the behaviour, which helps enormously.

    Your reflections and guidance – and those from others on the site – have really been a lifeline. Being able to stand back and see narcissism for what it really is has helped so much.

    All the very best to you and everybody who contributes to the site.

    Bless you.

  • barbradle@gmail.com'
    Barbara
    April 10, 2014

    I just want to share that I watched a movie called Face in a Crowd from 1957 with Andy Griffith in his pre Sheriff of Mayberry acting days and Patricia Neal as his primary prey. This movie totally dramatizes the narc and his prey relationship in such an uncanny way it is just incredible. I saw it on Turner Classic Movies. The acting is outstanding and the whole movie is too because it makes many very credible and prescient points about other topics such as media influence. But when you watch Patricia Neal demonstrate her empathy and difficulty in leaving with her eyes and her gestures your heart breaks and you see yourself. It was really quite therapeutic for me. It was riveting because early on in the movie I was able to realize that Lonesome Larry was a narc and Patricia was the abused. But the word narcissist is never used in the movie. Just fantastic but be prepared because it is revealing!

  • tealberet@yahoo.com'
    Kerri
    April 12, 2014

    Chameleons indeed. My current narc admits that he deliberately tries to understand and read people.

    “…empathy for the narcissist is the paramount vulnerability of the co-dependent and that healing oneself is the first and only responsibility.” So true, Jay.

    I was married to a narcissist for 8 years. My inner unresolved and underlying needs were for attention, affection, and warm regard. You can guess what then was hugely lacking in this marriage.

    Then he cheated on me, so I divorced him. “I calculated how much I could do (with another woman) and still stay married to you. I guess I calculated wrong” is what he said to me afterwards.

    Freedom from being around him felt really, really good. I have never met a human who was as un-present as he was. When he was deployed to Iraq during our marriage, it felt exactly the same as when he lived at home. Just not THERE. Vacant.

    Slowly in his absence I grew stronger. Now, six years later, I am doing more inner work, consciously examining and letting go of underlying beliefs, and …chasing after an unavailable narcissist. Not a fun admission.

    Over and over when I line up my values and start focusing on my life, my well-being, and my future, in that very minute or hour, he will contact me. I know exactly what he’s doing and why he’s doing it, but I still let myself get sucked in.

    As I make strides and start to understand my inner solid core and worth and identity, I find myself wanting to show him his true inner identity. And my inner self is tapping her foot and saying “Hello!!?? I’M the one who needs this info, please!”

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    manuela
    April 15, 2014

    Why do we even HAVE to heal ourselves!
    Aren’t we enough just the way we are?
    Who gets to decide that we are ready to ‘live’ when we can say “hooray, I love myself”. Not everyone can do that! We are real, we just don’t love EVERYTHING about us! So what! Who does?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 15, 2014

      Hi Manuela,

      That’s exactly IT – THAT is exactly true, it is the not knowing that, and the separation from that which is painful.

      If we are happy with our life and don’t want to evolve further, there is no need to.

      If we feel pain, we can stay there or evolve past it.

      Yes it is possible to unconditionally love yourself, but it doesn’t come as humanly normal. We weren’t ‘taught’ that, if fact we were ‘de-taught’ it, .it’s one of the deals of evolving ourself.

      Mel xo

  • boggsferrini@yahoo.com'
    Colleen Boggs Ferrini
    May 23, 2014

    Dear Melanie,

    Great article and so interesting about the Narc seeing what we want/need and deliberately stand in our way to get it.

    Is it important then, to keep our wants and desires from the narcissist person in our life.

    Thinking back on who I believe are Narcs, it seems that they do .

    Keep up the good work!

    Colleen

  • jonquilmcd@gmail.com'
    Jonquil
    June 6, 2014

    OK, I am really puzzled on why my last comment was removed and there have been no changes made to my name on the comments I requested you remove my last name on TWICE already or delete or whatever you can do to help protect my privacy…

    I am shocked that as someone that is supposed to be helping victims of narcissistic abuse you would deliberately avoid protecting someone’s privacy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 7, 2014

      Hi Jonquil,

      I have not received any such requests from you – but am checking with the support team if they have.

      Also I am the only person who can remove comments and there was no comment of yours taken down.

      Mel xo

  • lauraelise@suddenlink.net'
    Angel
    October 19, 2014

    Thank you for this article. I have been reading articles on narcissistic abuse for about a month now, & this is the first one that I have found that addressed this “chameleon” aspect. Brilliant 🙂 And sad. “Serving you your wounds on a plate” is very fitting. Which brings me to a question that I’m struggling with- I understand (to a point) who he is and that he won’t change, but if he has given me this gift of enough pain to help me heal my own wounds, how can I just let him go? As much and as deeply as it has hurt, he’s forced me to try and address those issues that I’ve been struggling with for so long and through so much heartache, self-doubt, and failed relationships. He mirrors me in a way that nobody has yet been able to. In this way, I do feel like he has made me a better person, and that’s one of the things I love him for. I’m scared and sad to be without him.

  • arlinejernigan67@gmail.com'
    arline
    September 8, 2015

    Mel, k Every time I read one of your articles, I shake my head YES.

    In the last couple of days, I have been finding myself “longing” for the narc.

    Your writings are invaluable to me right now. I am working through the NARP modules, and I think I am going to have to surrender a little more deeply. I just watched your demonstration on Youtube, and I see that I am being resistant, even though I really have a sincere determination to heal.

    I look forward to having a joyful open heart, that loves life and can connect with source and others.

    xoxo

  • rheawilson@outlook.com'
    RW
    September 24, 2015

    Incredible explanation. Tonight I was trying to feel what it must be like inside his mind and couldn’t connect my feelings and my thoughts. After reading this article, I pity his lost and tortured “soul” and feel sadness that he will never be able to feel true love and connection with another person. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. He has no power over my thoughts and feelings anymore. Thank you so much.

  • pepperpot6@btinternet.com'
    sunny
    January 21, 2016

    Hello, I have spent this evening reading all the posts.
    Perhaps my situation is/was a little different, but at the end, maybe not so.
    He spent years devaluing me and in all that time, I don’t think he succeeded. He hurt me, yes, because I loved him and trusted him to be there for me and care for me (he didn’t, preferring to swear and yell and name-call). However, I was able to see that I was worthy, I was not insane etc. I used to go to bed and think quite clearly that I am living with a lunatic. I started looking up about narcs, and felt he must be one. Yes I experienced some denial. I didn’t want him to go because I had some emotional attachment and because I needed him to go on holiday with, cut the grass, fix things etc. that I could not do alone. But through it all, I felt absolutely strong! I never believed a word of all the nasty things he called me…I knew I was a decent person and that he had a million problems. I shared how he was with me with close friends. they all feared for me, feared I would be hit when he was in his rages (I wasn’t), etc. In the end I was discarded for another woman he had apparently met only 3 times, twice behind my back. My first comment was that I put up with all that abuse and then you are leaving me?? Then I hit him. I’d wanted to do that for years. Only later did I miss him and fall into a depression…which I have got out of without any anti-depressants, but with the love and support of friends. I have spent time working on my life, strengthening friendships, doing things that I love doing. Initially I was raging inside but that has gone. he has been back to collect stuff and I can’t be pleasant at all. I understand that he is “so happy” with his new woman but he looks thin and “hard”. He said that he hopes I meet someone and then I will know how happy he is. My God, was there ever such a narcy statement!!! I feel he is a stranger to me. An alien. And wonder at how amazingly good at acting he is. Through it all, I have somehow maintained a positivity that I know I have to hang on to – I must believe I can be happy and that I have a good chance of meeting someone “normal” to be happy with and care for. I know I deserve that. He has proved himself to be as utterly horrible as he showed himself to be, having love-bombed me initially and made me think he was a great catch. He isn’t. I am!

  • Tressclaudia@yahoo.com'
    Claudia Tress
    July 2, 2016

    Hello, I know this post was written a couple of years ago, but I just read it for the first time today and learned many thanks things about the second Narcissist that had not occurred to me before. More importantly, I learned many things about myself. I have a question and thought I might ask you, Melanie. I have two young adult sons and never want them to get into the agonizing grip up being with a Narcissist in the workplace, or even in a relationship. Should I bring this all up to them even though the entire experience cannot be understood unless one has been thru it? Also, being that they are young men, can I figure out what their inner wounds might be, (since they won’t do this for themselves), and try to help them thru these inner wounds? I just want to protect them. Thank you, Claudia

  • kierranambrose@hotmail.co.uk'
    Kierran
    December 30, 2016

    Sorry in advance for coming across as the bad guy, but I feel a bit of reality is in order.

    What we are missing from this article is balance. Just as Narcissism and being emotionally void is a real issue, so is being over-emotional.

    I’ll put my cards on the table. I have been diagnosed a Narcissist. Due to child trauma and the way I have been brought up, I have made being emotionless and keeping people from getting close to into an art form over the years.

    Now, you keep falling into the stereotypical trap of assigning attributes and negatives to “all” narcissists. Talking about complicated matters in absolutes is not only ignorant, but irresponsible when you have an audience lapping it up and taking your word as gospel. I would like to make you and your audience aware of a couple of things from a different point of view.

    I got to the age of 23 and realised that I had hurt a lot of people, lost a lost of friendships and didn’t really care about that (or at least I thought at the time). After realising what my character had accumulated to I decided to speak to a doctor with the aim of going through counselling. I wanted to understand why I acted and felt (or didn’t feel) the way I did. The reason I’m explaining this is because on some level I did (and still do) care about the people I hurt and I wanted to change that. So I do take issue when you paint all narcissists as life sucking vampires with no self identity besides their fake self.

    I do go through life putting up walls and gliding through social groups as a charmer, but through self-awareness and counselling I am making a concerted effort to listen to other people and genuinely take an interest in them. Through this I have made genuine friends, and although it’s not easy at times, I am maintaining them. I have no doubt that there are other narcissists who have gone and will go through a similar journey. I’m not saying this seeking any gratification, I am simply saying this to make a point that it is ignorant to brand all narcissists as the same.

    Going back to balance. Your article clearly comes from an emotional place. You have some valid points, but you come across as a victim, so your article loses objectivity. As you mentioned yourself, you have genetic/upbringing reasons for this. Narcissists need help and guidance from family or medical professionals to reach a healthier balance between being emotionless or emotional. Just as you needed (or still need) guidance and support about being more secure and having a better balance between being emotional and emotionless. What certainly won’t help you or people like you are persecuting articles stereotypically blanket branding your type as over-emotional victims, just as your article doesn’t help narcissists. Balance is key.

    Just to clarify, I am fully aware that A LOT of narcissists are destructive people and most of them may be unreachable or unwilling to change. But I do feel it’s important to be aware and supportive of all types of personalities in order to help improve society and progress, as some people do try to change.

    Have a good day.

    Regards.

    • kiwiflyer@orcon.net.nz'
      Brent
      July 31, 2017

      Kierran, this is the trouble with labels and differing interpretations of those labels but I can assure you that you don’t belong to the type of person I see this article is talking about, there is a big difference between you and the type referred to here, if only they were like you but alas these monsters are nothing like you, these monsters are underestimated at your peril, they may have once been human but it is best you recognise they are no longer so, expect no humanity from them, sure they can superficially fake it but that is all.

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