Melanie Tonia Evans

Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #13 Jessica

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0
46
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This is one of the CRAZIEST interviews I have ever done regarding narc abuse. It is about how we can be narc abused – even when NOT in a relationship with a narc…

This story is astounding – and you will really relate to it if you ever thought a) I am going crazy, and b) I feel so embarrassed and ridiculous because of what is happening to me.

What’s also incredible about this story is that it has the most GORGEOUS magic romantic fairy-tale ending…

And not the ‘made up’ kind!!!!

I don’t want to give it away – so please click the play button above or you can read the transcript of the show below.

 

Jess could you please share your narcissistic abuse story?

The first time I ever laid eyes on the narcissist, I was in college and he was working as an assistant in my dorm. I would often walk by him and was immediately drawn to him, I found myself ridiculously attracted to him in a weird way that was much more than physical, and for some reason I felt we had a connection immediately.

I was so drawn to this man and eventually I got up the courage to talk to him via a new social media site that was popular on campus at the time. We had so many conversations on the internet, it was like I wasn’t afraid to be myself, because the computer hid my self-consciousness.

We often chatted through the night, with the help of AOL Instant Messenger. I started having feelings for him immediately, ignoring the many red flags that started popping up soon after we started chatting.

 

What were these red flags you noticed whilst chatting on-line with him Jessica?

He was very cocky, and judgemental of others, even his own family and friends. He acted as though everyone was below him. He was very controlling and often refused to let me hang up the phone or turn off my computer and go to sleep, and he would constantly pick fights with me or get angry with me over things I did, to the point where I was walking on eggshells so as to not set him off.

He also often asked me to send him racy photos of myself even though I refused repeatedly, saying if I cared about him I would do it.

Whenever I would see the N around campus I would get ignored by him, which would tear my heart apart on a daily basis. When I got back to my dorm, there would be messages from him, asking how my day was, and stating that he was thinking about me.

This was so confusing considering he had walked past me without saying ‘hello’ 5 minutes before.

When I would ask him why he wouldn’t say ‘hi’ to me or talk to me around campus, he told me he wanted to keep our relationship private for the time being, and see what happened before we took it any further.

Even though this didn’t feel ‘right’, I continued this relationship with him. seeing him daily yet being ignored, and chatting with him throughout the night.

 

How were you feeling and what effect did this have on you?

My grades started to slip, as did my relationships with my friends and roommates. I wouldn’t spend time with them at night after classes were over; instead I would stay in my room and chat with him the whole night, sleep depriving myself.

During the day we would text message all day long. I would often ignore the people around me and many of my life experiences, as I became more and more obsessed with the weird relationship I was having with him.

I would beg for a chance at a real relationship with him, and he would put me down and lead me on repeatedly. I was hooked into the hope, and the way he would ‘make me feel’ with this hope, rather than the reality that was actually happening.

I started becoming angry at him and decided to explore other options, and ended up dating a few guys. But the narc was always in the back of my mind which always caused these “rebound” relationships to fail

 

What depth did this ‘relationship’ go to, and how long did it last Jessica?

I felt like I genuinely and deeply loved this man who would literally not give me the time of day. There were a couple of times I ran into him at local bars, and he would talk to me. Both times he ignored me the next day when I wanted to talk to him about the night before.

I was often given the silent treatment, sometimes for weeks at a time, where he wouldn’t even talk with me on-line or by cell phone, and my heart was breaking with every passing day of not hearing from him, or when I reached out to him and didn’t get any response back.

My life was a whirlwind of being lead on and discarded, over and over. I was always there for him. He knew whenever he wanted to start the game again, all he would have to do is shoot me a text message and I would be right back in again.

This vicious cycle lasted 7 years.

We were never in an actual relationship, and aside from the few times I ran into him, all our communication was via the internet or cell phone.

 

True to narcissistic fashion – he blamed you for the ‘reasons’ he would not connect didn’t he?

I was always blamed for why he wouldn’t connect. I was told I was untrustworthy, that I deserved the treatment that I was given for dating other guys, and if I cared about him I could prove myself by agreeing to do sexual acts I wasn’t comfortable doing. Because I refused to do these things he asked me to do, I wasn’t “worthy” to him. He also had nothing but negative things to say about my appearance, my sense of humor, my personality, and even my vocabulary.

 

What was happening in your life at this point?

I was very depressed, and heartbroken, and I started drinking heavily, which caused my work to suffer and almost got me fired from my first job after college.

Things got so bad that every day all I cared about was the beer I was going to drink that night. I would drink until I would pass out, because it would mean I didn’t have to think about him or the pain I was feeling.

I became promiscuous, as “revenge” for the way he made me feel, and I started sleeping with whoever would give me attention, and then I would always feel shameful and worse afterwards. The narcissist would often tell me I was every bad name in the book, and that nobody would ever love me, because I was worthless and unworthy.

He would pry and dig for me to talk about my painful past, and he would tell me that if we were ever going to be together I needed to open up to him. He wanted to know everything about me and where I came from. As painful as it was, I spilled all my deepest pains – which he would later use against me. This included my mother’s relationship with me. He told me that even my own mother didn’t care about me.

He would then tell me that only HE cared about me, and if I wasn’t such a (insert derogatory term for a female here) that we would be together, but it was my fault that we weren’t because I ruined it.

When I talked about things I liked, he would always put them down – they were stupid, that TV show was stupid, that song was stupid, that food was disgusting. Nothing positive came out of this man’s mouth – nothing positive about his family or friends, and absolutely nothing positive about his past relationships.

I made it my personal goal to gain this man’s approval. Everything I did I ran by him, eager to finally win his love and acceptance of me… It never happened.

The only thing I wanted in the world was for him to really want me. He told me he could do much better than me – but for me, there was absolutely no-one better than him.

I was so brainwashed that I agreed with him.

I tried so hard to be everything he wanted me to be, but the bar was always raised higher, and my life turned into a constant leaping for something that I would never reach.

You did have a stable, supportive ‘angel’ in your life. Who was this person?

Throughout this entire experience there was one solid human in my life, one person who stood by me through everything. He was a friend of mine since the age of 12, who I dated in high school. We remained very good friends throughout this entire relationship.

He was my shoulder to cry on, my person to depend on, and the person I leaned on through good times and bad.

The only times that I felt anything good was when I was with him. His sense of humor was identical to mine, and the amount of fun we had together made me forget, temporarily, the enormous amount of pain that I felt in my heart every day.

After some time, when I was pulling away from the narcissist and starting to feel clear again, my feelings for my friend started to come back, and we soon started dating again. After some time, I realized that he was the man I wanted to spend my life with, and we got engaged.

 

But there was still more to go with the narcissist…

Yes! Once the narc caught wind that I was happy again, he made a play for me. It wasn’t long before I was sucked back in, balancing a relationship with my fiancé and a “friendship” with the narc.

I wasn’t going to sacrifice my relationship with my fiancé for the narc, but I cared about the narc enough to want him to be part of my life. I thought of him as the best friend I had ever had, and the thought of him not being in my life was not something I could picture. The truth was I was still really hooked by him.

The narc often “teased” me by making plans with me to hang out, and then cancelling on me at the last minute, and then blaming me for the reason why.

He told me all the reasons why I was not good enough to spend time with him.

The official DISCARD started when the narc and I were amidst making plans to meet, and he randomly picked a fight with me and told me that he wasn’t going to hang out with me ever.

He stopped answering my text messages for 4 months. I was so hooked that I begged him for closure. I begged him to talk to me. I apologized, I called him crying my eyes out, and leaving tear filled voicemails apologizing for everything I had done wrong.

I begging him “Please talk to me!” I exclaimed that what he was doing was cruel and it was unbelievable how much pain I was in.

Every phone call, text message, and email in that 4 months went unanswered.

 

You were suffering the intense withdrawals of the addiction – how did that feel?

Those 4 months almost killed me. I was an absolute mental case, and I wanted to die. I dreaded being alone with my thoughts, and was very distant with my fiancé, friends, and everybody that was in my life.

I remember sobbing to myself on a daily basis. I was extremely depressed and went to the doctor to beg him to put me on something to make me feel better. I was prescribed an anti-depressant and 2 anxiety medications.

I felt crazy. How on earth could someone who I didn’t even have an actual relationship with make me feel so terrible? I was so empty inside, and I was embarrassed to seek the professional help that I so desperately needed.

I began searching for forums and found a site that was a forum for emotional abuse victims. I began posting on that forum, but felt that nobody really understood what I was going through.

When I would have a good day, I would post about it and was immediately followed by comments from other members saying that feeling good was hopeless and it was going to take me many years to recover.

Seeing all these people posting about how destroyed they still were over their abusers, even years and decades later, made me feel worse.

I couldn’t believe that this was my fate, and I was desperate to find another way out.

 

How did life start turning around for you Jessica?

One day a girl posted one of your youtube videos Melanie on the forum, and I watched it.

I JUST KNEW that this was the answer I was looking for. I had never heard of narcissistic abuse and when I saw it all in front of me on your video it was like a huge weight had been lifted.

Everything I heard in that video could have come out of my own mouth.

Immediately I began researching you Melanie and reading all your articles. I listened to your radio shows, and soon after I purchased the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

I knew that the only thing I really had to face was the dreaded act of NO CONTACT, my biggest hurdle. In the meantime the narcissist decided it was time to try to weasel his way back into my life, and although I allowed him to do so, I was working NARP at the same time and felt much more confident and much less attached to him.

I knew that i would soon find the strength to go No Contact, and finally, in March of 2013, after 7 years of pure hell, because I had got so much stronger inside myself, I made the definite decision to go completely cold turkey No Contact once and for all.

Because of the Quanta Freedom Healings and the education I received from NARP, I was ready to face the peptide addiction that I had felt powerless against previously.

I knew it was going to be the most difficult thing I had ever done, but I knew that it was something I had to do. I wanted my life back. I wanted my sparkle back. I wanted to be a good wife to my soon to be husband, the one person in life who loved me unconditionally, and who stuck by me through my discard, depression, and the living emotional hell I was facing every day.

 

What happened when you did go No Contact and fully focused on healing your inner wounds?

The first few weeks of No Contact were exactly what I imagined they would be. I was often in so much pain that I couldn’t get out of bed.

I working NARP on a daily basis. Module after module I could feel the pain and fear leaving my body – the pain and fear that I realised had been inside my body since childhood, way, way before the narcissist, all connected in with the pain I had felt with the narcissist – and I started to feel better and better.

As the pain left my body, peaceful thoughts came as well. Clarity was coming to me solidly now, with strict No Contact and the NARP Program I was amazed at my immediate results.

I was so amazed that I wanted to share the results with the other people in the emotional abuse forum. These people were NOT as welcoming as I thought they would be.

I was criticized, called “insensitive” and was asked to leave the forum by moderators for suggesting that the members look inside THEMSELVES for the reasons WHY the narc was brought into their lives, instead of sharing war stories.

 

What were the reasons regarding the narcissist coming into your life Jessica that you began to understand?

I began to understand that the narcissist was brought into my life to heal me from my past, my co-dependency, and especially my relationship with my mother.

NARP led me to that understanding and healing.

I had never felt good enough for anybody because my mother made me feel that way.

My mother was detached, critical, damaged and unavailable. She had been through a relationship with a narcissist herself. My sister from that relationship was the child my mother very much favoured. As a child I felt over-weight, unattractive and picked on by my mother.

My father (another man) was an alcoholic. He had married a woman, who would not let me stay inside their home. If I visited I was only allowed to interact from the back yard, and I felt like an animal.

The only attention I had from my father was on his terms. I clung to any attention he gave me, and I wanted him to take me in order to escape from my mother, but he never did.

What I understood and deeply healed through my NARP Thriver journey was –  the narcissist was brought to me PERFECTLY to reflect the wounds I already carried, to make me hit rock bottom, to look inside myself and to realize that I WAS and COULD BECOME everything that I longed to be.

To know: I AM love, I AM peace, I AM clarity, I AM happiness.

When I released all the pain and fear that was stuck in my body – all the fear, pain and unworthiness of my childhood – I was able to know, feel and claim the truth of myself.

It became the natural state of myself – that I had never been able to feel and know before.

 

Jessica, you were as committed as the most successful of Thrivers truly are. What did this commitment to yourself look like?

Day after day I worked the NARP Program, and I continued to meditate and journal.

I started a private blog for myself to write in whenever I was feeling “off” and was unable to do a Module. I had learnt how NOT to go into my head and try to analyse (fight against) the pain – knowing this just gave my ego a chance to beat me up – so I would get the feelings out, embrace them (accept them) and then get to a Module to release the pain of my body as soon as possible afterwards.

I kept a small notebook in my purse at all times for the same reason, writing my feelings out and embracing them was more powerful and effective for me than any forum could ever be, and that followed by a healing shift in a NARP Module, just kept clearing my pain, and false beliefs about myself and my life up and out one by one.

It didn’t take long before I felt well enough to go off the medication I was prescribed, and I felt even more wonderful and free without it.

I easily found the strength to block the narcissist’s phone number, Facebook profile, email address, Twitter, and everything else he could possibly use to contact me.

Because of the healings I had no urge, connection or pull towards him any more – and no anger, pain or resentment whatsoever. I just had a total appreciation for the gift he had brought in to my life – by taking me to the healing FINALLY of my inner wounds.

 

You found something ‘greater than yourself’ through this journey Jessica – what was that like?

I soon found and began to embrace the spirituality I had lacked my entire life.

I used to mock people who were ‘spiritual’ and connected to a ‘higher power’, but inside I was extremely jealous of them for being able to have the peace they seemed to have.

Through doing the Quanta freedom Healing Modules in NARP, I FELT connected with Source for the first time in my life. I KNEW what I had been searching for my entire life was FINALLY here, and it all came to me in such a short space of time through doing the NARP work.

 

How do you view you narcissistic abuse experience now?

My narc experience happened for a reason. It was a gift. It gave me the gift of Source. It gave me the gift of myself.  When I realized this, tears began streaming down my face and for the first time in my life, I felt whole.

I will never, ever forget that day or that feeling. It is the single greatest feeling I have ever experienced. When the connection happened – it just happened in a particular healing Module – it was like a switch got flicked.

I felt full, like my color came back. It was like the scene in Wizard of Oz where it switches from black and white to technicolor. It was pure joy, bliss, love, and alignment.

Day by day, even now, my strength became greater and greater, and my life and emotions better and better.

I got married in October of 2013, after 7 months of No Contact. My husband is the greatest person I have ever known. I am so lucky to have found such a loving, supportive, and mentally healthy partner who loves me for everything I am, who would stick by me through the literal darkest time in my life.

I adore him, and he adores me. This is real love.

When I wrote this information for this radio show, that actual day marked my 1 year anniversary of beginning the NARP program.

Now as I do this radio show I have gone 1 year No Contact – the joy of that brings tears to my eyes again. I am so grateful and so happy words can’t describe.

Looking back, I am so amazed and proud of myself for how far I came, after feeling so destroyed, so addicted, so powerless, so worthless and so seriously ill.

I am so thankful to you Mel and the NARP recovery community for being such an amazing group of supportive people.

I was so far gone into narcissistic abuse that I believe that if I can recover from narc abuse by committing to the NARP Program, the way I did, then ANYONE can.

I have literally gone from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs, and I SO PROMISE you that life as a Thriver after narcissistic abuse is a thousand times better than it was even before narcissistic abuse – IF you go to and HEAL your inner wounds.

 

What advice would you give to someone who is listening to this radio show who has been narcissistically abused?

Just DO NARP! Your life and soul and entire existence is worth it – not just to survive, but to become REALLY who you are meant to be.

Don’t keep struggling on trying to beat this pain – PLEASE take the path I did, and just do NARP!

I shudder to think where my life would be now if I hadn’t!

 

Thank You For Listening to the Show!

If you have any questions for myself or Jessica please leave them in the comments below and we will do our best to respond to all of them.

And If you are interested in becoming a member of the NARP community like Jessica you can find all the details here.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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46 Thoughts on Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #13 Jessica
  • Skettani@hotmail.com'
    Stephanie
    March 26, 2014

    I can completely recognize myself and the same patterns of narc abuse. Finding Melanie’s site and learning about no contact is what saved my life and put me back on the right path. Without no contact and deciding to take that stand I would be unable to fully break free from the narc. It has been almost a year and he still tries to find ways to contact me and I am proud to say I have denied all sorts of possible communication. Eventually they will go away but it could be a long time as these are truly some sick minded individuals with no moral compass they will destroy you and leave you for dead. Literally you have to save yourself. No one can do the work for you. I too have now found a truly amazing fulfilling loving relationship with my perfect soul mate. It is truly an eye opening experience and one that I have grown from. Thank you Melanie for all you do you really are a life saver !

    • winnie.ramsey@live.dk'
      Winnie Ramsey
      March 26, 2014

      Fantastic – thanks for sharing – so relevant!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2014

      Hi Stephanie,

      That is great you have got away…

      Are you at the point like our Jess has, to really know what it was that you needed to heal – and why this came to you as this experience?

      Because when that happens there is no longer the resentment or judgement of them – there is simply the relief and liberation.

      We are never binded to people when we are set free with gratitude for our own evolution – and they certainly don’t tend to ‘keep trying’ if there are no energetic ties left and we have moved ‘up from that level’.

      Ironically the very people that hurt were also giving us the exactly requirements for our own transformation of ourselves.

      Mel xo

    • Jessicanovak410@gmail.com'
      Jessica
      March 27, 2014

      It is the single most important lesson in all of this – looking within.

      Best of luck on your narc free relationship.

  • msmwhere@gmail.com'
    Maria W
    March 26, 2014

    So relate to all these experiences you’ve shared. Welcome to the other side 🙂 enjoy the internal peace Happiness and Abundance brave one! Xx

  • ejh7454@clearwire.net'
    EJ
    March 26, 2014

    I had a recent brush with a narcissist that I not only never had any relationship with but have never even met face to face. This person called me at my office with a question relating to my work and proceeded to denigrate many of my colleagues. She then implied that only her work and research and that of a few friends had any validity. This was followed by some minutes of buttering me up and telling me that of all the people she had talked with in my field, only I had impressed her. Our conversation lasted nearly an hour, mainly because she spoke so slowly and never seemed to get to the real point. After we hung up I felt unsettled but still didn’t get that I had just spent time with a narc. She called me back a second time asking if we could meet for coffee since I was such a brilliant and simpatico creature. I told her that my schedule was quite full, but she persisted and I agreed to a quick coffee after work the following week. I knew she would be leaving the area, and since I still didn’t realize she was a narc, I thought having coffee and discussing mutual research interests would be the professional thing to do. A few days later she sent me a sort of kiss-off note accompanied by many copies of a single page of text she had written. It finally hit me. I had been discarded in record time by someone whose sole mission in life seemed to be criticizing the work and interests of other people in order to make herself feel good. Geez. A friendly reminder from the universe that it’s not a bad idea to listen to my gut even in the most casual situation. Narcs – they are truly everywhere!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2014

      Hi EJ,

      what an interesting experience!!

      And it is so true that your ‘ego’ could have been taken by flattery (which is the charm narcs use to hook people), but your soul was squirming….

      So, so true that our inner guidance is very powerful…

      Especially when we know we have taken responsibility, and are cleaning up our unconscious ‘dark bits’ (fear) and can trust ourselves more and more and more..

      If we are refusing to look at our own shadows than we will INEVITABLY miss them in others.

      Great job EJ!

      Mel xo

  • karenlynellewilliams@gmail.com'
    Karen w
    March 26, 2014

    Interesting story alright! So the guy was getting enough narc supply from Jessica via the internet without having to interact with her properly. Just wondering;
    if most of the time he was putting her down, what was he saying to keep her there. Was he telling her he loved her? Quite often those are the only words (and lack of actions) we co dependents have needed to hear to become hooked. Anyone can say ” I love you” as easily as they can say “Ill destroy you” but if the words don’t match the intention they have no meaning at all! They are null and void. I wonder if most who keep people hanging on to them via the internet without any real life relationship are narcs? Possibly. Beware!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2014

      Hi Karen,

      it is not so much what ‘he’ was doing to keep her there – it was her unhealed inner childhood wounds that were keeping her there.

      This is how it works – the inner child who felt rejected and ‘not good enough’ had not been healed yet – these were Jess’s disowned parts.

      So then this part of Jess’s unconscious shadow self manifested the experience outside of herself (him) so that the unconscious part could become conscious (be seen through another person).

      So he as the rejecting, criticising, punishing and UNAVALIABLE (childhood parent) person showed up.

      Until Jess could heal those parts of herself he was going to stay – or even if she left she would still be obsessed (hooked and addicted) to him.

      If that guy had not turned up – Jess’s disowned inner wounds would have brought forth a similar experience to him.

      It wasn’t really about ‘him’ it was about Jess.

      We can’t change narcs – we can only up-level our own disowned subconscious parts – narcs are simply the catalyst of those unhealed parts.

      Make sense?

      Mel xo

      • Jessicanovak410@gmail.com'
        Jessica
        March 27, 2014

        Yes, it was often that he told me he loved me and lead me on, he often said “all the right things” to keep me hooked…. It was the hope of this relationship blossoming that kept me hanging on, as well as the fact that I was plain addicted to him. It was more solidly the fear of abandonment and the fear of not being “good enough” and having to prove myself, which stemmed from my childhood.

  • bpearson71@cox.net'
    Soul4Real
    March 27, 2014

    Jessica, thank you for sharing your experience with a narcissistic. You’re absolutely right about the pain as a child is how you got caught up with a narcissistic…low self-esteem from pass pain from family members. I too, got caught up because I never felt loved and the narcissistic I met knew this…so he gave me some attention that I wasn’t getting from my own family members,so I fell right into his madness. The worst mistake of my life…two children from that relationship and he abused them also, it was pure the “Hell” with the help of my “God”, I’m trying to heal my children. The things a “NAR” will do to another human being, is a shame before “God”. I thank “God” and these sites for helping me over come the “Pain” I had endured from that “Monster”. Thanks again, stay strong in your “Higher Power”!

    • Jessicanovak410@gmail.com'
      Jessica
      March 27, 2014

      Thank you, I definitely will !!

  • bcuerden@gmail.com'
    becca
    March 27, 2014

    I really enjoyed listening to this interview, as Jess went from feeling so low and crazy and embarrassed about it all – to within a year becoming so clear she could tell the story and make sense of it all! That is amazing, because it is SO difficult to understand the twists and turns and outrageous behaviours- and it is impossible to relate it to anyone who is normal and healthy. People simply do not believe you, and you want to make sense of it all, and even the people who love you can’t understand (because they are normal and healthy). The embarrassment and shame continue because of the disconnect. Yous imply can’t TELL it. And then in our own heads we go round and round trying to get a handle on the craziness. It’s NARP and the body work that stop the loops, like Melanie says, we get our answers through our healthy body. It knows what the answers are. So much so that we can rely on it, and not anyone else’s assessment. NARP provides a method of assessing and accessing what we need to know in order to live. We in fact don’t need to tell anyone anymore what happened. We no longer need to ‘explain’. Then at that point, freedom begins. I also want to thank Jess for the idea of quickly making a note when feeling ‘off’, and then going back to that when there’s time for it. This felt like an important ‘tip’ for me, because there are still legal situations that throw me and NARP-ing it out is the only way. Thank you Jess and Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2014

      Hi Becca,

      thank you for your post – and so glad you got that tip out of the show…

      It is a fabbo tip!!! Very powerful…

      You are so welcome Becca!

      Mel xo

    • Jessicanovak410@gmail.com'
      Jessica
      March 27, 2014

      Thank you becca, it was definitely one of the most powerful tools in my recovery.

      Best of luck to you !!!

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    March 27, 2014

    Thanks for sharing your story Jessica and I am so happy for you that you have healed so well and are now married to a man who is truly worthy of you.

    My story is very different to yours, but the crazy-making behaviour and the ‘carrots’ that the N offer keep us in there hoping that we will one day get more than crumbs. In my case, I got tired of being continually promised things that he reneged on and probably never planned to follow through on.

    I am happy to report that it is just over one year that I started NARP and joined this wonderful healing community. Life is so much better now; even better than before.

  • Rfleisch@aol.com'
    Ruediger Fleisch
    March 27, 2014

    Thank you Jess, for sharing your story so openly.
    6 months after having broken the relationship to a narcisistic woman (antisocial type), and after having followed Mels recovery and healing program, I feel as free in my life as I never felt before.
    The recovering goes on, and each day (literally) I can reconstruct why this all has happened. I went through narc abuse for several times because I could not understand certain experiences in my life. I now found out that I had and have so called holotrophic spiritual experiences ( Compare Stanislav Grof) which I mistook for crazyness. I have hidden this capacity from myself since I was 13. now I m 61 and dare to accept this and start to use it for my and my clients sake also. Working as a professional coach and consultant (with a medical background) I m proud that I have gone a long way as a recovering codependant, as Ross Rosenberg puts it, and that there is strong inner spiritual guidance in my life which wants me to thrive. Jess, your interview encourages me, to approach my dream to write about my way. I know why narcs had been so attractive for me and why they had to be in my life for four times: without them I would not have had the courage to become and be who I am. Be blessed. Ruediger, Berlin Germany.

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      March 27, 2014

      Dear Rüdiger, this is Christine, living in Switzerland. Melanie and I will publish a book in German about the N-experience, there is so little material. Would you be willing to speak with me about yours? We would like to include a male perspective into the book? If you read this, please email Melanie with your details and she will forward them to me. Then I will contact you. I don’t want to expose my contacts here. If you do not want to share, just ignore this message. Thanks so much. Christine (Schweiz, Deutsch sprechend)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2014

      Hi Ruudiger,

      What a beautiful share and confirmation for Jess…

      Can feel your light and passion from here…it’s wonderful 🙂

      Mel xo

      • Jessicanovak410@gmail.com'
        Jessica
        March 27, 2014

        That means so much to me, you absolutely should do whatever in your heart feels right. It makes me feel so wonderful to be able to inspire you

  • milica@luckymail.com'
    milica
    March 27, 2014

    I was bullied by a narcissistic classmate in elementary and high school so it’s not unusual to end up traumatized and destroyed even if you’re not in a relationship with a Narc or not living with him/her. My abuser is female and at the time we were only 13 years old! This girl had the best grades and very good reputation outside, but I could see the other side of her personality. She abused me verbaly, brainwashed me and turned all my friends and aquantices against me. I was alone and isolated despite of my good social skills. I was 21 when I quit and I was severely depressed, anxcious and suicidal. I was incredibly dissociated and nothing could help me recover, until I found out about NARP.
    Thank you Mel and Jessica, this story is very inpirational.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2014

      Hi Milicia,

      you are very welcome -and wonderful, wonderful you are now healing you!!

      Mel xo

    • Jessicanovak410@gmail.com'
      Jessica
      March 27, 2014

      Thank you for listening, I am glad my story is inspiring to you, I truly feel if I can heal from this that anybody can

    • milica@luckymail.com'
      milica
      March 28, 2014

      Thank you ladies for your kind words 🙂

      @Me

      it seems to me that it all started accidentally. When I was 19 somebody gave me the book called “The power of your subconscious mind”, by Joseph Murphy (perhaps it wasn’t a coincidence, maybe I asked God to help me during one of my nights of despair before I got the book, I can’t remmember).

      The book is about how can you get anything you want using affirmations. I wanted to find out why was my life so miserabe and so my first affirmation was “The truth”. I repeated it before sleep just like Joseph advised, and soon after I discovered anxiety disorders and depression, and later I found out narcissistic and borderline personality disorder. My mother had BPD and my abuser had NPD, two very similar disorders.

      Due to my anxiety issues and learning problems I couldn’t work or go to college, I was receving help from social servise. And then I made a big mistake, I spent too much time reading and researching about NPD and abuse, I was ruminating constantly and I tried to solve the problems using my analytical mind, and of course the peptide addiction got even worse. I asked the universe for help, a couple of times it send me a wonderful book called “The power of now” by Eckhart Tolle, but I missed the sign. I thought it was another “how to get rich in 7 weeks” and so I didn’t read it.

      Instead, I tried to get help from psychotherapy. It helped a little bit and I went to college thinking I was ready for it. I wasn’t. Psychotherapy is superficial, it deals with symptoms only and deep wounds and peptides stay intact. I attracted another sociopath.

      My new abuser was my roomate, she also had some cluster B disorder. We shared small apartment and everyday I was exposed to horrible abuse. Intelectualy I knew what was going on, but somehow I just coudn’t move out. She stripped away my confidence and self-respect. I escaped, feeleng traumatized again.

      My next abuser was a man. He was in his late thirties and had strong narcissistic traits. I fell in love with him because I needed support and love desperately, and I believed he would help me. I was young and inexperienced and easy prey for him. He just used me for sex, then kicked me out of his appartment at 2AM, and cut off every contact with me.

      And that was my breaking point. I never felt worse in my entire life. I was crying for months, not able to get out of my flat. I lost everything, financial help, my schoolarship, my mental health, my cousins left me… I thought this is it, I have no control over my life, I’m hopeless. I gave up. I made a firm decision to end my life. I started collecting various pils and medications so that I can mix them with alcohol and kill myself painlessly.

      And now I’ll finally get to the point 😀 One evening I decided to google “narcissistic abuse recovery” once again. I did it hundreds of times before, but for some reason I felt I should do it once again. That’s how I found Melanie and NARP. It resonated deeply with me, and even though my rational mind was telling me it is impossible to recover that much, I still tried it. After first module I felt less dissociated, pain was lessened, I had more clarity and I was finally able to speak normally. People started being nice to me 🙂 With every module I felt better and better, and I decided to give another chance to life.

      What I learned is that you cannot use outside things to recover and get well. Looking inside you is the only way, and if you don’t do that, as Mel said, your inner child is going to get manic and attract whatever experience it takes to make you look inside.

      I believe that everything happens for a reason and suffering is actually good when you look the bigger picture because without it you wont’t get the chance to transform.

      I still struggle with financial and some health issues, but it’s much better than before, and I truly believe that I can recover and thrive just like Jessica 🙂

      Much love to you xo

  • gc1990@hushmail.com'
    KC
    March 27, 2014

    It’s me posting again. I try to get him out of my life, but he will not let go. I’ve kept the relationship a secret from my children and family and don’t want them to know. I’m embarrassed to even be in this situation and they would be so disappointed in me. I am so disappointed in myself! It’s a miserable thing and yet it never ends. Yesterday ended with a slap to my face that knocked me off my feet followed by two punches in my arm that left a huge bruise….and the reason for it was because I pushed his arm off of me when he pointed out my “pot belly” …I’m a size 4, but am very sensitive about my weight. He knows that of course, and that’s why he points out imperfections. He hurts me to my soul and now the physical abuse is happening more frequently. Again, no one knows about any of it. I am not financially dependent on him and have my own home. I just know to get away is going to be pure hell, and I don’t want anyone to know anything. I feel trapped and tied to him. He says he won’t let me go and he doesn’t. I block him in every way and he will just email or even show up at my house. He’s unemployed, mean, and an alcoholic. I’ve let this terrible person into my life….finally see clearly (or at least clearer than before) and I can’t get away. I often wish there was a rehab facility for this type of addiction, but there is nothing.
    It’s all up to me, and I don’t have the answers anymore. I’m literally living a double life. i wprotect the ones I love and probably because of the humiliation I feel, the disappointment of so many should they ever really know this part of my life. Everything I never wanted in their lives is in mine every day…and I allowed it. The guilt and pain from all of this…its almost too much to face.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2014

      Hi KC,

      the deal is always firmly this – YOU are not letting go…its not about what he is or isn’t doing..

      You have not taken the responsibility yet to realise that it is the parts of you that are wounded that are keeping the attachment going.

      Whilst you have all this focus on him and what he is doing instead of healing you – then your inner child is not getting your healing attention and your ego is trying to force him to change and is holding him responsible for these inner wounds..

      It was never his job to heal them for you – it was his job to point out to you what you need to heal.

      That is the truth KC, you need to orientate around in order to take responsibility, start healing and then you WILL wake up from the nightmare…

      Being disappointed with yourself is futile and only adds fuel to the nightmare, its about deciding to love yourself enough to start the journey of healing yourself.

      KC, please look at NARP..

      Mel xo

  • Jessicanovak410@gmail.com'
    Jessica
    March 27, 2014

    Kc, NARP NARP NARP!!!!

    It is the answer you are looking for !!!

    Look within, not at WHAT is happening, but WHY.

    NARP will help you unlock this truth.

  • gc1990@hushmail.com'
    KC
    March 27, 2014

    Thank you both for responding. I believe what you’re saying; it makes sense. I’ve spent countless hours trying to understand his illness, his problems, his anger…I keep thinking if I could make him aware that the pain could stop for us both, but I am assuming he feels remorse and wants to get better. He never asked to get better– and he doesn’t feel remorse because he doesn’t feel anything but mistrust and anger. I wanted so bad to show him he could be happy. I wanted so much to reach in and pull love from his heart and the harder I try, the more I care, the more responsibility and abuse (I finally accepted this is abuse after last nights attack – he open hand hit me in my face so hard I literally was knocked off of my feet, and when down covering my face he close fist punched me like a man in my arm….all for nothing. He just got mad; he tells me every day that I deserve to be popped/punched in the mouth and that I’m lucky he holds it back. Why did I let this happen, how do I get away and save face with my family? Next month will be five years that I’ve kept this secret relationship…though I know my kids suspect him and have said they have heard me crying alone…they would never suspect just how bad it is when all they’ve known me to be is a strong, independent mom raising them alone.

    All this time I’ve studied so hard to try to help him get better so that some day he could be a part if my life. he never changes and resents that i keep him separate from my family. He’s simply never ever happy or satisfied. what you say is true then it’s my own childhood hurt showing itself to me….but

  • gc1990@hushmail.com'
    KC
    March 27, 2014

    …but why must that be? If this is the answer (going into yourself to deal with all the hard stuff –and how does one really resolve past pain) then is it the answer for him too?
    I’m sorry for the long post. It’s all coming to a head, threats have been made, violence is increasing, everything is escalating quickly. I allowed this horrible person in my life – but yet, he’s the first to say not to trust him and that I should run for the hills. As soon as I try though, he lures and hooks me back. He took my joy, my trust in people, my silver lining view on life. He took it all and made me see the bad, see the targets on kind people. I’m a shell of who I was, but I can feel my house of cards crumbling. No one sees the inside hurt, but the bruises outside get harder to explain.

    And your right, it’s not about him– he’s not taking the abuse I am so who is really the crazy one here?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 27, 2014

      Hi KC,

      yes he is unwell – he is a narc, and he is doing what narcs do…

      And you have NO control over his life, his choices or his healing – because you’re NOT him..

      Yes it is the answer – going to and healing the reasons WHY you are hooked and continuing..

      The reasons why ALL of us were hooked and continuing is what we had to address to up-level, stay away, get well and stop repeating the painful self-destructive patterns…

      You have NO choice over him continuing to abuse you – but you DO have a choice over continuing to abuse yourself…

      And that choice is close the door, pull away, and face your inner wounds and heal them…

      He can’t hook you back in when you stand for yourself…and focus fully in you – because then it is NO longer about him – you have made it ALL about you…

      My love it is excruciating at this point – awful….but what choice do you have? The resources and support are there once you make the choice that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

      Mel xo

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      March 27, 2014

      Hi KC, I faced the same situation as you. I had a choice, remain victim or thrive through NARP. The hardest fight I had was with myself, realizing that nobody but myself can pull me out of this horrible situation I was in. I was in so much pain, I almost died, so I did NARP, blindly believing that the N-experience will be a gift. I had no alternative other than to kill myself. So I did NARP and the promise turned into truth: there is light at the end of the tunnel and a great life with self love waiting. We just need to do the work.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 4, 2014

        Hi Christine,

        yes the orientation and determination to commit to ourselves does turn to truth.

        I am so thrilled this happened for you Christine!

        Mel xo

  • maureen.hughes@mailb.hse.ie'
    Maureen
    March 27, 2014

    This post came at the right time for me in my now non existent, no contact,judicial separation obtained, and my N. now using and leveraging our 4 lovely adult kids,in fact he is using them to further abuse me, even to the point where I was not at our twins 30th birthday party. They are falling into his trap and they do not see what he is doing. He has to leave the house in 12 weeks but has told them all they too have to leave their family home, he has involved them in our separation even to the point of turning up in court with them.Three of our four adult kids are away but yet he has them packing their stuff to leave with him. This has caused the kids awful pain. Of course he lives off other peoples pain and that is what he is creating. He hopes to make me feel guilty for getting the house, as he sees me as having no rights at all. I have stood up for my rights, and obtained them and I cannot feel guilty or responsible for what another person does. I love my children and have not involved them only to tell them that “there was a core problem that cannot be cured” I am ina different place now thanks to you Melanie, DVAS, my counsellor and my legal team. I am so much back to my self and ina great place, also I do feel there is damage to our adult kids. I feel they will come back to hear the facts and they must hear the truth. All of the blogs are familiar but thanks Melanie for your wonderful work- I do not know where I would be now only for you. I was at an all time low but he will continue his usual ways, even to penetrate my own family to isolate me that my N’s goal. Continue your wonderful work.

  • julieisloved@gmail.com'
    Julie
    March 28, 2014

    Wow, does this sound familiar. We weren’t in a relationship according to him. But, we were together off and on for ten years. I was there for him through every (self-created) crisis but when I needed a small favor, he would go OFF on me. So glad to be done. Never again. (feel free to quote me on that – LOL!)

  • amanda.onions@gmail.com'
    Mandy
    March 28, 2014

    Great post I still struggling with looking inside myself but have managed to make this more about me and not him when I get times of thinking of what he did I have to stop myself and remind myself this is about my healing still have this desire though not so strong to hear him say he was wrong but know im never going to get it still working on that one too.

  • npddoc@aol.com'
    Joy Berke
    March 29, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    It never stops amazing me how many of THEM there are out there and how strong (mainly women) their victims can be when they (we) begin to realize just how worthwhile we are and that none us deserve to be treated badly. Thank you again for everything you do. Your energy and compassion know no bounds.
    Best regards, Joy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Joy,

      the truth is many capable, intelligent and attractive people strive for ‘perfection’ as an escape for feeling deeply inwardly that they we are NOT loveable for just Who They Are, but for what they can or can’t do to earn approval and wholeness…

      All of the wounds connected to that Inner Identity pain was why we attracted narcs.

      Narcs will always be ‘out there’ – the real question is WHO are we ‘in there’.

      Mel xo

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    heaven
    March 31, 2014

    Hi mel,
    At this point in time I feel stuck.
    I cannot function now. I am depresssed and sad. I have four children on my own. No family or friends. I am thinking of placing the three older kids in a boarding school. Oh my life is over. I don’t know who else to turn to. All this now because I have ignored myself my whole life?! I am not real. Not really living so what can I show my kids? I am scared! Please advice me.

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      April 1, 2014

      Dear heaven, please start NARP right away and your life will take a turn for the better. Many of has have been in your situation before, many of us can confirm the NARP miracle.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Heaven,

      I don’t know how many ways to say it..

      You have to work on yourself and commit to yourself to recover.

      NARP is your answer.

      YOU have to turn inwards to yourself…

      Mel xo

  • Ginal_lewis@yahoo.com'
    Amanda
    April 2, 2014

    Hi,
    I’m so thankful Jessica for sharing your story ..I can relate with it 100% I finally left my narc !lost custody of my son and I live in Africa which I don’t know how to get the narp series 🙁 but melanie you have been very helpful to me 🙂 I read and listen to your shows everytime they up..so thanks

  • meganzopf@yahoo.com'
    Megan Zopf
    April 3, 2014

    Thank you Jessica for sharing this. I’ve been coming here off and on for over a year. Denial is what I seem to fall back on. If I don’t look at it then it’s not real. The past 11 years have been hell. The name calling, put downs. all of it has broke me. I have no joy at the moment. But you know what Mel and Jessica? I think it’s time to join this program as there has never been anything including all the years of therapy, that has come close to making sense. I’m tired of the pain and the ongoing fight that leaves me more torn apart. Right now I feel like going into a closet and shutting the door for good but I watch my 19 month old granddaughter and have since the day she was born. I need to get this behind me.
    Megan

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Megan,

      yes the truth is we can’t reprogram and deal with the wounds through our mind.

      and that is where NARP comes in…

      Then the struggle of ‘how to heal’ ends, and the liberation of true healing begins..

      Mel xo

  • Southcanal@hotmail.com'
    Pam
    April 13, 2014

    I am and have been married for 18 years to my first love. About 3 years ago I started working with a very powerful surgeon (I’m a nurse). He was very kind, older , striking and seemed to really care for his patients. I found this admirable and was intrigued by him. Long story short he swept me off my feet. Was the man I always wanted to have. Smart, kind, powerful and romantic. Flew me to Napa for a weekends. The whole time I noticed odd things about him that I dismissed as him being a “strong type A personality”.

    He always seemed to give me pieces of the truth. My husband was battling to stay married and trying to stay by me because he felt I was sick. He made a decision to move our family cross country and get me away from my narc. Up until the minute we backed out of the driveway, I felt I was going to leave him, but I couldn’t do it bc of my children.
    2 years passed I continued to stay in touch and see my narc at every opportunity. It was up and down and hurtful and I continued to go back for more every-time.
    Most times I told my husband where and what I was doing,sometimes I would lie and just go thinking he wouldn’t leave me either way. I was so sick during that time. Selfish,cold and uncaring of my husbands feelings. I just wanted my narc.
    I finally took the step to try a real relationship w my narc moved back to where he was for a trial period and it lasted less than two weeks before our first fight. Brought on by nothing and then it became a nightmare. He was controlling, demeaning, jealous and a crafted liar and truly has a dark soul. My fog had finally lifted and I returned home to my family. My husband was hurt and I damaged our trust severely but I want to share this… We are still married, very in love. He is my best friend and supporter and his love for family and belief in me kept him in when he had every right to leave me.

    Honest true unconditional love is real and once I figured out that my hunger for my narc was fed by a need to heal what was broken inside of me, I was able to let go. I am a committed mother and wife.

    Things and people come into our lives for a reason. My narc was supposed to teach me a lesson and I have learned it. Letting go is like taking your first breath again and in a sense finding that rebirth that so needed to happen.

    Thank God my husband stayed and was my true north when my compass was spinning. Love is real and kind and forgives….

  • nina.stahl26@gmail.com'
    Nina
    February 10, 2017

    I didn’t start hate myself till I started to think I was the bad one. Looking forward g up domestic violence, narcissist etc. I’m in hell now because I have read too much. I am sick of looking to sol e it also sick of trying to love myself though I have no choice because hating myself is also horrid. I couldn’t be bothered either way I’m so tired of it all. So tired of being told my thoughts are wrong g my actions were wrong particularly from my mother. Sick of doctors tellng me I needed to be medicated to get my thinking right then I would see it was all in my head , I was too at fault.
    I’m the narcissist now. I’m withdrawing from psych drugs, tired of trying to be strong.
    Sick of a mother telling me that I was get be a use I aye too much when I was starvinf from too little food and cortisol excesses and sleep deprivation be a use I had gone from the pan into the fire. And it was a third party harassing v me to leave e for his own purposes. Fool stupid me. I am so tired.

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