Melanie Tonia Evans

The Difference Between The Inner Child And The Ego

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 32
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

What is our Inner Child? What is our ego? Are they somehow intertwined?

I get emails from people wanting to know what the difference is … often enough that I thought it was time to do an article on this.

Maybe you too are not sure which of you is these parts, and even if there is a difference. Maybe you are not sure what these parts are, or even if they exist.

Unravelling these questions was huge for me personally – and once I cracked this simple understanding, my personal growth and inner freedom leapt ahead in leaps and bounds – and I know yours will too.

I had a conversation recently with a friend of mine. He has been doing a lot of shift work with Quanta Freedom Healing, and has found some very resistant egoic patterns.

He realised “that voice” which was piping up and saying things like “Stop being angry, you’re not a nice person,” or “I’m really irritated with (that person) because of (fill in the gap),” was his ego.

He said his ego was driving him crazy – because he didn’t want to be an angry person, and he didn’t want to experience the painful peptides of judging other people.

He asked me “Should I just make friends with my ego? Would that help shut it up and leave me alone?”

My answer was a firm “No.”

I’ll explain why not in this article, amongst other things ….


The Inner Child

What we need to understand is … when we get triggered by an event in our life – this always relates to some young, unhealed part within ourself.

You may think this is a gross generalisation or even a harsh, judgmental statement.

Let me explain why it isn’t ….

First of all it is the young parts of ourselves that developed beliefs of conditional love. Meaning we were raised by adults who had their own woundedness (even if they had the best intentions) and brought us up with the false premise that we were loveable and acceptable for what we did or didn’t do rather than instilling in us that we were loveable simply for who we are.

This meant deep subconscious parts of ourselves believed we were inherently unworthy and not acceptable, and could only be worthy IF we earned approval – and this was the case regardless of how attractive, successful, intelligent or capable we thought we were.

(In fact many attractive, successful, intelligent and capable people often strive for “excellence” to compensate for not feeling worthy.)

This created the human condition of co-dependency – the belief that we need to source our wholeness and worth from outside of ourselves. The inner emptiness and anxiety, which was the spiritual starvation of not sourcing our wholeness authentically (not feeling unconditionally loved and accepted by “existence”), meant our sense of self was precariously connected to other people’s behaviour, levels of love and approval.

We may think this is “natural,” but in fact that is not Who We Really Are. Our True Self stands on its own merits and is a whole system to itself, and then attracts and generates more “wholeness” with the Field of Life.

The problem is, if we are carrying wounds in our subconscious of unworthiness then we are not flowing in this healthy sourcing and we don’t feel “whole”. Now rather than being in control of our own generating of life, we show up in life from an inner centre of our young “unworthy” wounds.

Let’s use an example we all know – a narcissist saying something horrifically degrading.

If we have young wounds of unworthiness, we have created this “person” as the source of our worthiness, and now that he or she is degrading us, we are triggered.

Why? Because our sense of identity is threatened. The young inner childhood wound of unworthiness is activated. The unconscious has just become conscious.

Our mind then follows the chemicals of the body – the powerlessness, the childhood painful regression, and our reactions will be to hook in, hand our power over (“my wellbeing is reliant on what you are or aren’t doing”) and fight to change the narcissist back into the person who we can source our worthiness and approval from again.

What would happen if we were healthily sourcing ourselves, and full and whole in our own inner self-identity?

We would observe the horrific degrading statement, not have a childhood wound triggered (no wound to be triggered) and we would healthily perceive that this person is not healthy, sane or pleasant to be around.

Our source of identity would not be threatened – because it would not be reliant on what this person was or wasn’t doing or saying.

I fully admit I wasn’t this person until I worked on my childhood wounds (I used to get horribly hooked in), and without any self-recriminations or regrets I totally know there are people naturally who as soon as the mask of the narcissist cracked and “off” behaviour began, did have a healthy sense of self, did observe with wisdom what was happening, and were anchored enough in their true sense of self that they called it quits and walked away.

I have received dozens of emails from people over the last 7 years who have informed me of exactly this…

I also know people personally (male and female) who did not engage any further once a narc’s cracks appeared.

I find it very interesting when people continue to play the victim, not take responsibility for their own evolution and state “Sociopaths can fool anyone!”

People send me those articles, and they are continually posted in abuse forums, about how bad and dangerous “they” are, how powerless “we” are against them, and how everyone is susceptible.

That is a total falsity … and I am incredibly saddened that there are abuse forums who not only dismiss solutions to heal (boot them out and condemn them), but also instill their members with more pain and victimhood.

We only ever get hooked if we have a corresponding inner wound – period. And that is why when we clean up these inner wounds – just like those fortunate people who already had a healthy and solid sense of self – we no longer have any pulls, addictions or attraction. When we shore up inside, we totally disconnect from narcissists and are certainly not triggered or traumatised by them.

That is how we heal ….

Our inner child may be really unwell. Because we were in theta brainwave (especially up to 7 years of age), our inner subconscious soaked up painful beliefs like a dry sponge.

Our inner identity was established with childish emotion-based reasoning before we had the logical intelligence to accept or dismiss certain messages.

By the time we reached alpha brainwave function (logical cognitive mind) at 12 years of age – the programming was done.

Now we have an Inner Child (subconscious programming) running the show.

What this means is the aspects of our programming that are healthy beliefs are reflected back to us from life as flow, ease and success, and conversely the unhealed wounded programming we received is reflected back to us from life via pain, disappointment, loss, aggression and even abuse.

These painful events represent beliefs of being unworthy, unlovable, deserving of punishment, not being good enough, and the list goes on and on … (regardless of what the logical mind would like to declare) … and these entrenched inner beliefs may be very, very specific, such as (for example) “Men who I love leave me,” “People who love me harm me,” and “If I forego all of my needs and tend to everyone else’s I’ll be safer”… (just the tip of the iceberg) …

How was the most powerful belief systems created? By the intensity of emotional charge that was attached to them. What that means is – the most painful childhood events (that you may not remember now because you submerged them long ago) are the ones setting up your future destiny – without you realising it.

Belief systems work like this – they generate with life the evidence of the belief.


Our Inner Child Is a Living Energy

If your Inner Child feels safe, cherished, protected, loved, accepted and worthy – he or she comes out to play. As a result you feel creative, expansive, generous, loving and joyful and you absolutely know how to grant and receive flourishing in The Field. You also know how to speak up, honour yourself, be authentic and how to generate truth and wholesomeness and remove yourself from what and who isn’t.

If our Inner Child feels unsafe, dismissed, rejected, abandoned and unworthy – he or she is broken and damaged, and is terrified about coming out to play, and instead will try to get our attention desperately to go and retrieve and heal him or her – so that he or she can.

The way the Inner Child does this is through screaming out in pain – which is exactly what painful triggers are, as well as intense emotional anguish. If this doesn’t work, then the Inner Child manifests nervous system disorders such as severe depression, C-PTSD or agoraphobia, and then if this is not enough to get us to turn inwards to help, the Inner Child creates physical issues which could escalate to serious ones.

Our Inner Child also tries to warn us ….

He or she screams out NOT to go back to the scene of the crime, such as pick up that phone and break No Contact, NOT to drink that bottle of alcohol, NOT to get into a new relationship whilst being so needy and broken, and NOT to try to get accountability again from that person who is continually abusing you.

How many times did we know we should NOT be doing something but we did it anyway … regardless of how painful we knew the results would be?

Way too painful for the precarious state our Inner Child was already in ….

The results were terrible – always ….

So why did we do this?

One simple reason ….

Our ego…


The Ego

Our ego is NOT our Inner Child.

Our ego is the part of ourselves that has formed as a defence mechanism to avoid going inwards to heal our Inner Child.

Going back to the conversation I had with my friend.

He said “Why shouldn’t I try to make friends with my ego?”

I replied “Because your ego is an imposter – it is NOT Who You Are, and its purpose is to keep you separated from healing your Inner Child and becoming an integrated and whole Self. Trying to make friends with your ego is like trying to have a genuine relationship with a narcissist. You would only be dancing with the devil.”

“Ohhhh …” he said, “so how do I get my ego to shut up?”

I said “Go to the wound the ego is guarding and heal it. Then there can be no gap for your ego to get in on that topic anymore.”

When my friend dropped into the pain and fear he was feeling in his solar plexus, he received the intuitive message of being five years old and feeling trapped and ganged up on. The wound was “I am a target for punishment.”

When he fully claimed, felt and released that wound, opened up space and brought in the Source / God  / Life connection of being valued, supported and loved – the fear was gone, and a greater solidness instantly replaced it.

That immediately eliminated the narcissistic ego story “You’re an angry person,” because there was no wound left for the ego to create havoc with.

No fear, no pain and no anger – just an ability to be authentic, not be triggered, and speak up for needs and rights if necessary.

My friend has just bypassed his egoic illusions and evolved himself.

Okay, so this is the deal … when we have an inner young wound that we don’t rescue, we have negative emotions bubbling up.

This is the message “Come to me, heal me!!”

Now if we ignore this message, this triggers our brain into survival programs that are fuelled by the young helplessness and powerlessness we were at the time that wound was developed.

Negativity and pain attracts more of itself. It starts a lifeforce of “darkness”. This is what our ego is – it is a False Self. It is the nemesis of our True Self which is “Light.”

Now what is really, really interesting is – in every seed of darkness is incredible light. In fact every seed of darkness can be brought into the light, because the true purpose of something “wrong and painful” is so that we can transmute it into “the light.”

When we get the release of a contracted fearful painful inner program, we expand, we up-level. In fact that process is exactly the process to heal … it’s the total formula of evolving ourselves.

And that is exactly what happens when we love ourselves enough, and make a stand for own worthiness enough to bring our painful disowned unconscious parts up into the light for their transformational healing.

However, if we don’t heed the call of our Inner Child, and ignore him or her instead and allow the darkness (pain and fear) to remain, this is the gap where our ego is given full permission to rush in.

Now that we are disowned and unhealed, our energy system is prey to the ego.

The ego is a pain body.

If you were to think of a battle of “good” and “evil” – every human being has a True Self and an Ego, and where we are orientated on the “scale of darkness to light” depends on the state of our Inner Being (Inner Child / subconscious belief systems).

When the Inner Child is released, spacious, extended, empowered, joyful, safe and radiant – you are expanding out into the connection of Oneness of Source / Life / God – living as you were always intended to live – graciously, lovingly and abundantly – and sourcing self authentically.

You feel unconditionally adored, accepted and protected by Life, and you treat and maintain yourself accordingly.

When the Inner Child is contracted, fearful, self-protective, detached, despairing and damaged, you are disconnected from the field of Source / Life / God – living the illusions of darkness and separation and completely and utterly susceptible to your egoic fearful self.

You feel unloved, unacceptable and unsafe in Life, and you treat and maintain yourself accordingly.

Within every single suppressed inner wound are the energies for up-levelling, releasing, and the opening up to more and more space and incredible expansion … or the festering ignored wound causes an inward contraction around that wound, and a spiral down into more pain.

The Inner Child keeps calling out and the cries get louder, and if unattended to, inevitably there is a greater need for ways to try to manage the pain without actually solving the cause of it.

“Solutions” much as self-medicating, seeking outer distractions and relationships, or addictions to try to burn off the pain are the only avenues available.

The ego loves this, because the pain and the manifestation of pain attract more pain, and ultimately create demise.

The ego is not life, it is an anti-life.


Which Part Of You Is Causing the Drama

Many, many people feel repulsion initially toward their Inner Child and blame him or her for the issues.

“If only you weren’t so needy!” “If only you had better self-esteem!”

This is one of the major reasons why people DON’T turn inwards and go to their Inner Child to heal him or her. They believe they will be horrified by what they find.

Let me tell you this – point blank.

Children are innocent!!!

When your Inner Child developed these painful inner beliefs, he or she was powerless, innocent, loving and open. He or she was a Child of Source / Life / God subjected to a world of wounded individuals, and conditional behaviour – by people and systems who knew no better.

He or she is still powerless to heal on his or her own. This child needs you. And even though this child is so damaged, disowned and terrified, he or she is still the wholesomeness granting you the messages that are trying to take you towards the Light and stop hurting yourself, but you are not listening.

These are the intuitive messages that you are rationalising away or just plain ignoring.

So who is the culprit?

Plain and simple – your ego.

This is the voice blaming and shaming, judging and creating stories of victimisation and pointing outwards away from the inner wounds to convince you that your pain has nothing to do with needing to heal your Inner Child.

This is the force that keeps you attached to and obsessing about the very person or thing that you are sustaining damage from, and this is the pain body that will tell you any “story,” any “excuse” and any “justification” to think and operate in a way that will generate more and more pain in your life.

This is the force that convinces you to impulsively go for quick fixes and / or blaming, to try to relieve the pain – yet this only generates more damage in your life.

To put it metaphysically, your ego is the force that keeps you separated from Source / Life / God – and ensures you will never achieve Oneness.

In real life terms this means your ego stands between you experiencing true expansion, full flourishing, genuine unconditionally loving connections, and your highest potential and your greatest joy.

Because if you did – the ego could not exist with you.

Your ego convinces you that you need to overcome “the outer” and keeps you hooked up in the soul-destroying, impossible fight of trying to control anything that isn’t you.

Your ego convinces you – only someone else can rescue you from your wounds because you don’t have the capabilities (you’re too worthless to achieve it).

Your ego convinces you it’s someone in particular’s fault that you are damaged – and this person is therefore responsible – even though no outer person can ever rescue you from yourself, let alone an unconscious individual who hasn’t yet dealt with their own inner wounds.

Your ego convinces you – because of what happened to you, your life is forever broken.

Your ego is the force causing you to show up in life with defences that ensure you will hook into and be attracted to and attract everything that you don’t want to experience.

Your ego ensures the very things you attempt to protect yourself from keep getting drawn into your life over and over again, and / or the only way to avoid that happening is to blame “the outside,” close down, disconnect even more from life and try to escape the agony of your inner woundedness with even more painful defences of fear, shame and blame.

The absolute formula is this – The more unattended wounds you have, the more activated your ego is.

People who have the biggest egos are the people with the most disowned inner wounding.


The Truth Is …

Your Inner Child is the defenceless, innocent angel who needs your help.

He or she is your true connection to Source / Life / God.

He or she is your way home.

Your ego is the scheming, manipulative darkness which mesmerises you into doing anything BUT connecting lovingly with your Inner Child to partner and parent him or her.

You may have thought you had to overcome “the outside.”

It’s time to wake up from the trance … because you only ever had to up-level yourself.

And once you do all of Life in your experience will reflect that.


Which Voice Is Which?

So how do we know what the pain is? Is it our Inner Child calling out for help, or is it an egoic mind “story?”

I receive emails from people in the throes of egoic mind issues often – I always know when they are, simply from reading the first two lines.

Here’s an example of one of these emails ….

“Hi Melanie,

I really can’t take it anymore. Tonight he called me an (adjective, adjective fat cow) … I have told him a thousand times not to speak to me like that, but it never stops. I talked to his mother about how he was treating me, and she told me I was the issue in the marriage because of the way I treat him. I feel like I am losing my mind, last week not only did he abuse my son, he also told my son I was the person putting him down and not supporting my son, and my son believes him ….”

Generally I don’t even get this far reading emails … because it doesn’t serve me to and it doesn’t serve the person either – because this is peptide addiction and severe victimisation (ego) at its worst – it is powerlessness – and it is MILES away from the REAL solution.

Years ago I tried to reason with this – I used to try to logically combat the victimisation with answers, and after discovering the true healing processes I realised how incredible futile it is to even attempt it, and I’ll explain EXACTLY why.

When an unhealed wound is being defended by the egoic mind – the brain is ONLY operating within the range of the traumatised peptides. The brain follows the body ALWAYS ….

So me trying to address the brain to get a shift in the body out of peptide addiction is POINTLESS – it is in fact impossible ….

Let’s call this lady Michelle. No matter what I say to her, dealing with this on a head level would not make one scrap of difference even if my logical response had all the wisdom of the Dalai Lama – because Michelle can’t hear or comprehend ANYTHING other than trauma.

Her brain is on high range beta brain wave, which is fight, flee and survival. Access to peace, wisdom, solutions and connections to the miracles and support of life is completely snapped off – that part of her brain is not available.

Michelle is out on the raw and ragged edge, disconnected from her Inner Child and any solutions. I can’t help her – NOTHING can help her out there. Her egoic mind has her all to itself exactly where it wants her … hostage in the pain and NOT going inside to the true solutions.

This was my email response to Michelle …

“Hi Michelle, I know you are hurting profoundly. You are not going to get any answers or any solutions this way – by obsessing about it, or trying to get your mind to deal with it or trying to get me to join you in that.

You are right on the edge of being able to release something very young and painful, that’s been negatively affecting you for your whole life – the relief is going to be incredible once you do, and that painful pattern can be gone forever if you do what I tell you to do.

Remember what hurts the most creates the biggest release and growth when shifted, and this one has triggered you hugely – so it’s going to be incredible.

ALL you need to do is – take ‘what is hurting’ to Module (NARP), drop deeply into it, follow the process and shift it ….

Do as many shifts as you need to do until you get the pain down to at least a out of 10 and then come back to me and tell me what you discovered.”

This was Michelle’s email two days later ….

“Dear Melanie,

Over the last two days I did six shifts on this – it was so huge. I can’t believe it – what came up was what happened when my father left us, and my mother who you know is a narcissist turned around to me at  years of age, and told me ‘He would never have left us if you hadn’t been such an ugly, bad girl….’

I can’t tell you how free I feel now. When I connected back to love and approval from the higher source in the last shift the relief was indescribable.

I have no pain on this now, and I can see so clearly now how my whole life I have been attracting and playing out everyone’s scapegoat – not just in my marriage, but in so many areas of my life. I feel released from this – and I am so much more detached from him now – I am going to find a rental place this week. I am going to move out.

I can’t thank you enough, I know I am healing, I know I am getting well – I know soon I will be free. Thank you for making me face me – words can’t describe how grateful I am for this journey.

Lots of love xxx Michelle”

The simple truth is this – in the woundedness Michelle’s egoic mind was generating more of the wound, and causing her to show up in ways that exasperated the wound.

As the victim of her wound in the Field of Life she could only and would only create results of more victimisation … and then of COURSE blame him and try to force him to stop the pain of her wounds.

This is what our ego does, it looks to the outside generating more with the messenger of the pain, and refuses to get the message.

The truth is we don’t know the difference between the Inner Child and egoic voice unless we go to our Inner Child and bypass our ego. When we go to our Inner Child, and if we are prepared to listen we get the truth.

So how do we do that?

We refuse to think up stories, and we take our attention into our body to open up to our Inner Child instead.

This is the simple formula – your ego is in your head, and your Inner Child is inside you.

This is the most powerful statement and orientation in life to bypass the ego and go directly to your Inner Child.

“That trigger (or consistent feeling) of emotional pain is an unhealed part within me.”

Immediately you are focused inwards.

Your ego has no leverage when you do that.

Your ego can’t drag you out and away from your body, can’t start disowning you or someone else, and can’t think up thoughts of shame, blame and unworthiness towards yourself or anyone else.

In other words your ego can’t create painful distractions, or use the trigger to escalate and create more pain.

Now when you get really oriented in your own evolution (far removed from egoic judgment and the beating up of yourself or others) you switch into fascination and internal investigator mode.

And it’s joyous – because you have lived the results enough to realise every time your Inner Child calls out to you (makes the painful unconscious conscious) and you go to the wound, find it, release it and open up space and connect through that space with  Source / Life / God on that topic, you receive incredible relief from the previous pain and joyous expansion as the replacement.

You have just expanded into more connection with Oneness, and Source pouring through you to flourish, nourish and expand you, and you have just extended more of that out into The Field which affects everything you have contact with.

Your ego just got kicked to the curb.

Darkness cannot survive in the face of blinding light ….

In fact every time you transform wounded parts of yourself, you bring in more, and more and more light.

Yep, that’s right – your ego dissolves.

Now of course there may be a real life action to take. So how do you know if you are acting from a healthy inner stance or a wounded egoic defence?

Simple … don’t approach anything in your life from a position of fear or pain – because if you do, it is always a wounded centre that your ego is playing with.

If you are operating from calm, peaceful emotions – you have a solid sense of self on this topic.

You will speak up healthily, honour yourself, not hand power over, and not have your identity wrapped up in needing particular outcomes.

As a result you are connected to Source / Life / God, you are sourcing power authentically and all of Life is positioned (co-flourishing with you) to grant you more of yourself – namely wholesomeness and solidness.

Your connection to The Field grants you complimentary access to the right ideas, the right people and the fortuitous synchronicities which support Who You Really Are.

It is a total illusion that doingness creates results.

It is your beingness that does.

Michelle’s true solution is the same for everyone – period. Stop looking at “what is happening” through the egoic mind, and instead go inside to “why this is happening” – (Thank you Jess for this expression I love it!), go to the wound inside and release it ….

Narcissists are NOT the healers of our wounds – they are the MESSENGERS of them.

You are your own saviour ….

So what does personal evolution look like?

It looks like a healthy, open, radiant Inner Child freed from the inner wounds, fully connecting to Source and being filled with light and then extending that out into The Field.

It looks like a being who realises how the energetic game of life really operates and understands the gift of the unconscious becoming conscious, and how “pain” is our greatest deliverer to the light – if we choose it to be.

What does the evolution of our world look like?

One person at a time doing that ….

Which of course means yourself ….

Because you are the only person who can ….

I hope this has helped shed some light on this tricky topic! Please leave your questions and comments in the section below. I do my best to respond to all of them.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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143 Thoughts on The Difference Between The Inner Child And The Ego
    April 3, 2014

    Thank you Melanie, this is an amazing article and I can’t wait to share this with others I know will benefit from this! I can’t express to you enough how much you have helped me heal myself and my relationship with my husband and our children. I emailed you recently and we have been dealing with his narcissistic family for many years and finally we are a strong unit that they can no longer affect! Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2014

      Hi Hayley,

      you are so welcome…

      Lovely that you wish to share this, as I know this is pretty important information to help people break out of illusions.

      I am so pleased you have been able to detach, create boundaries and become the healthy family unit you are meant to be.

      Mel xo

        January 15, 2016

        Dear Mel,

        Thank you for amazing articles that I only started to read last week.
        Can I ask you, what if you are married to a narcissist and have two little children with him, living abroad and have no money to run away ( he controls all finances) or have no one to help? How can I help myself and the children?

        Thank you,

          September 5, 2016

          Yes. I also wondered. Most of us beeing Targets are financially controlled.
          And we can do all this for our self but our kids cant. Ans not every one of us can just leave with the kids. Such as you cant. I also cant since there is a risk he takes them into his country and continues abusive them.
          The autoroties do not Protect us and the kids it is difficult to explain and proove what we. are going through. When children are involved it is a must to be Supported by the responsibility authoroties to Protect them from the Narc. They are still small and are not able to work on their inner Child and should not be with the narc at all.

          April 15, 2018

          Dear Ellen,

          How are you?
          I really hope you escaped from the narcissist and you and your children are safe …?

          I experienced something similar. Luckily no children involved.

          Were there divorced women with no children, who watched and controlled you every minute of the day involved?
          Even in the shower and on the toilet?

          How did you handle them?

          Warm regards,

      April 4, 2014

      Whew! Much work for me to do – especially since my head never shuts up. Quite likely my mother is a narcissist, possibly my sister, too; God alone knows, I think my father was a psychopath. I turned out an alcoholic, stopped drinking 6 years ago. Thank you Melanie. At least now I can identify the ‘entity’ that keeps telling me to have a drink – amongst other things and amongst other voices in the crowd in my head. As I said, much work! What a God-send to find your blog.

    April 3, 2014

    i have experienced this as the ego defending my right to be hurt, like a soldier on guard, which is creating my identity as ‘hurt’ which then keeps me in ‘hurt’ instead of really living. It is as though my wounds have kept me down as a way to declare to the world ‘look how messed I am….so-and so hurt me and I am paying for their cruelty with my well being and my very breath. It is psychological self harm. It is the codependent dance. Who would I be if my pain no longer defined me? There has been fear of letting go of the ‘hurt’ security blanket illusion, and even under that, a resistance to full responsibility for creating a great life. After years of defensiveness, I am learning to let the guard down so that I can heal. I’ve been telling my ego to step aside so that I can get to her and help her. My inner child has been screaming at me to be wanted for a long time. Thankfully I have never completely given up on her, I can hear her pretty loud and clear! It has been a journey to find my way up and out, one that I could only ever take for myself. Thank God we are never beyond hope, never beyond re-birth and making peace with ourselves and the precious child who is loved but can only know it for herself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2014

      Hi Ruth,

      that is brilliant self-realisation, you are 100% correct that it is psychological self harm…

      And the irony is – whether it is self directed or directed at another – it is ALL psychological self harm.

      That is fantastic that you are dropping inside and going to her, because no matter how damaged she is, she will respond.

      Mel xo

    April 3, 2014

    This has helped me tremendously, Melanie. Going deeper within, and getting away from some of the narcissistic/abusive people in my life – not necessarily people I’ve lived with, but it one case it is a person I’ve worked with. And instead of feeling like an ‘end’, it feels like a glorious beginning and the opening of my heart to new possibilities. Thanks ever so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2014

      Hi Marcia,

      wow! You have SO got it!!

      It is a total rebirth – ego free – that far exceeds ANY existence we had even before narc abuse.

      I LOVE your post! 🙂

      Mel xo

    Lois Seeger
    April 3, 2014

    What do you do when narcissistic abuse comes from your son? After leaving my husband 12 years ago over domestic abuse, my son has turned on me, blaming me for the breakup and denying that there was any abuse from his dad. He refuses to see me and blocks any contact with his wife and two children. We have tried to meet even with a counselor and it ends in an angry tirade. Its all about how hurt HE is, how it affected him. I have asked for forgiveness, but the anger is getting worse. He has no empathy that his dad locked me out of the house and left me with nothing after 35 years. I have no contact with his dad and feel like I need no contact with my son. I can hardly do it. When he wants to talk, I run to him, only to get another angry lecture. I usually have to walk away. He just asked again to talk next week after 3 years of separation. I have no clue if his heart is softening or not. Do I give him a person to person meeting, or should I asd him to write me a letter with his thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2014

      Hi Lois,

      It is so painful when abuse and pain involves our children..

      Lois I want you to understand this POINT BLANK….self-responsibility starts with YOU first – without exception.

      None of us can heal any relationship with anyone until we heal the relationship with ourself – PERIOD.

      You believe you were victimised, and that is still the belief and the pain that is coursing through your entire system – so therefore of course ‘The Field’ is going to present you with ‘more victimisation’.

      Your son is not responsible for granting you better feelings regarding your pain on victimisation – you are.

      No-one else is responsible for these feelings that are yours – including your ex-husband.

      Your recovery is essential before any recovery with your son can occur…

      Please read this article of mine – and I hope for you and your son’s sake that you do take the lead and do the necessary work to evolve yourself – then I would be very surprised if your relationship with your son did not follow.

      You have NO power to change ANYTHING about your son, but you do have every power to change YOU…and then this experience will change.

      Mel xo

      Victim No More
      August 6, 2018

      Words of wisdom Lois. Follow it. It’s been 4 years since you posted it so I hope things are much better with you. I a in the same position and recently discovered Mel and am onto her like glue with her articles, recordings and programs. Thank you Mel. I am a newbie in your NARP program and look forward to healing beyond my wildest imagination and living a life I deserve and what God meant for me!

    April 3, 2014

    Melanie, I am 23 and have been reading your articles for about a year now. I got out of a 6 year relationship roughly 2 years ago, not really able to explain or understand why I just had to get out. All I knew was that something inside of me was feeling wrong for a very long time about the relationship, perhaps even from the beginning. I now have a much better understanding of what I was feeling. I have sought out individual counseling and make it a priority to not abandon my inner self. Your news letters and articles give me strength to fight against my ego when I feel it controlling my life. They give me strength and affirmation that I am doing the right thing when I begin to question myself. I am forever grateful for your knowledge and courage. I will continue to read for as long as you write.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2014

      Hi Clarissa,

      I love it when people in their 20’s work on themselves, and have such wisdom!!

      Yay, because you are the creators of our next generation!!! And truly you are naturally much more hardwired toward evolution that us older folk are!!

      I’d LOVE you to continue to read my material 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 3, 2014

    Melanie, this article is totally AWESOME! Thank you so much!

    April 3, 2014

    Thank you Melanie for all the great info you have been giving out to those who have no idea the difference between our inner child and our ego. I have known about my inner child for a long time but had no idea what my ego was doing to me. I have been with a woman for over 5yrs dealing with her abuse. I blamed her for my pain, but i was told I was the one who has to changed and not her. this confused me, but after reading your articles I opened up and realized the reasons why i was with her, it all had to do with my abuse as a child. I started to blame people for my anger. I started to be like her judging others, and drifting away from my own daughter and family. I prayed for her to find another man sense i was not man enough to leave her. God did give me another man to take her away from me and now i feel so much happier without her even though i still have strong feelings for her. I am with a new relationship, she treats me with respects and appreciates what I do for her. Still i miss my ex or maybe i miss the the abuse either way she is history.
    Thank You

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2014

      Hi Anthony,

      you are very welcome, and I love it when men are really prepared to look inwards…to soul-search…because our world needs ALL of us on that job!

      It would really, really serve you Anthony to find out what that ‘attraction’ is…because it is a ‘chink’ that needs to be up-levelled for you to be free to keep moving towards your full flourishing self…

      You head saying ‘history’ is not where it is all REALLY taking place..

      Mel xo

    April 3, 2014

    Another great article Mel :). Sometimes I go inside and give my inner child a cuddle, pick her up and fill her up with energy. It feels instinctive to do it and after I have a new calm about myself. I remember from my Quanta Freedom Healing my inner child was quite often stubborn! I work with small children and I can feel and see the harm being done to them. Adults really don’t think how their behaviour can affect their little ones!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2014

      Hi Sandra,

      I’m glad you enjoyed it. It is so beautiful to give our child a cuddle, tell her we love her and how proud we are of her…

      Gorgeous you are feeling the serenity of that beautiful integration of you and her.

      It is sad how adults are still wounded children, and we have a whole egoic system – focused on outer achievement and totally starving inner health – as the real problem.

      If inner integration was curriculum and valued there would be none of what takes place…

      It isn’t until adult go inside and heal their inner wounds that they could EVER have the capacity not to project them on to their children.

      Mel xo

    Janice Paull
    April 3, 2014

    Thank you Melanie. I removed myself from my narcissist partner two years ago, have completed a novel and submitted it to a publisher, am a part time professional actor and appear to be thriving. But out of the blue he appears on TV and I feel the pull, have two weeks of inner battle but survive. Your article says it all. Many thanks. You are inspirational.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2014

      Hi Janice,

      that is great that you are out and appear to be thriving…

      The point really is this Janice – we only battle if we are not claiming, releasing and shifting wounds – and ultimately our battle is one against the all-mighty ego, rather than uplevelling the wound and dissolving the ego.

      If you want to really be set free into not just being able to ‘achieve’, but feeling a transcendence above anything you have previously experienced (true evolution) then my suggestion to you is the NARP Program.

      Then you will not have these triggers and battles, you will have cleaned them out and opened up space within you to something so much greater.

      Mel xo

    April 3, 2014

    Mel, like everyone else, this article was AWESOME. It has explained so much for me and I am so grateful to you for your insight on knowing when to release these wonderful words of wisdom.
    Your so special, my love and blessings to you

    April 3, 2014

    Omg! Melanie! I would always get stuck. Asking myself why am I reacting this way?!? Why is this triggering something so painful, trying to figure it out logically. It doesn’t work that way. I have so much more work to do! I want an incredible life!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Karen,

      I love that desire you are expressing..

      We ALL want an incredible life – that desire far outweighs the tricks and distractions of the ego.

      Life-force is so much more powerful than anti-life.

      When we realise that we DO have an enormous amount of work to do. Karen if I could add up the hours of inner shift work I have done on myself with Quanta Freedom Healing – I couldn’t even imagine what it came to.

      But I am SO thrilled I did! x

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Great article, Mel! It’s really something that needed to be addressed because the inner child and ego are constantly battling each other in more ways than we could ever understand. It’s hard to distinguish which inner voice is speaking to us.

    My friend recently started NARP and this morning she told me she couldn’t understand why she couldn’t feel any emotion. She has been repressing her feelings for so long that she has no idea how to express them. She told me that her mind kept telling her, “there is something wrong with you because you can’t and won’t feel any emotion.” After reading your article last night I was able to tell her that that’s probably her ego not wanting her to release her emotions as a defense mechanism. She totally got it and knew that was it. She also saw the subject of your article and it resonated with her, but did not know why. The synchronicities!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi GA,

      I am so glad you liked the article. Yes it is a vital understanding..

      Any mind battle is EXACTLY what the ego loves – no different than when we are trying to battle it out with a narc…any energy to the the ego equals ‘how to lose’.

      It is very common for people not to be ‘able to feel’, and I always invite people on NARP who struggle to do so, to get a picture of themselves as a child, hold it and spend time with ‘this little one’ for a few days connecting and pledging their love and their commitment to show up and be there for him or her.

      Often it is hard to feel him or her (connect to emotions) because it isn’t ‘natural’ yet there is a repulsion of ‘seeing’ the wounds (ego brain) and the inner child also struggles to trust that it will be safe to be vulnerable without being abandoned or criticised.

      I have found this helps people immensely to be able to get started with the powerful shifts in the NARP Program – because being with ‘the wound’ is vital to release and transform it.

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Melanie, your entire website and all of your articles are genius and you are going to change the world!!! <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Ashley,

      thank you so much for your lovely compliment 🙂

      I certainly wish to do all I can to help raise consciousness, and I feel very blessed to be able to share a part in that!

      Mel xo

    Quinton Edward
    April 4, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    I have a question;Is our inner child and our higher self, one and the same? I have been under the impression that our inner child is our wounded parts and our higher self is the part of us that is already free, painless and fabulous.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Quinton,

      great question.

      Our Higher Self is the indestructible part of ourselves that IS Life / Source / God…

      It is that part you talk about. It is our soul that is impervious to any damage, any illusions…

      Our Inner Child is the ‘gate’ through to that – it is the part of us that is the bridge between heaven and earth…and is both.

      It is the innocent divine part of ourselves that is susceptible to egoic world madness…and can be damaged…

      Our inner child and ego make up our personality and both come into play with the quest for enlightenment, highest flourishing and greatest expansion.

      Do we tend toward the REAL work of evolving our broken parts, or do we ignore the inner development of ourselves, and sell out our personality to be taken over by the ego?

      That is the question…

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Oh Melanie……..I listened to this first …and was so blown away at the Beauty of your ” capacity to narrate this so eloquently” ……For me, it has been one of the most powerful articles ever. Reading it , as I do most of the time, is wonderful – but the recording for whatever reasons- knocked me sideways – quite extraordinary . Thank you sooooo much – I’ve been around your work for 20 odd months and am a great admirer . Your Quantam programme is so intense and powerful , I have to admit, that I’ve had to digest it a little at a time along with many others healing paradigms I have been intuitively using on my journey of self re-discovery. This piece of work so BEAUTIFULLY resonated with my heart right now , it’s about time I said hello and thank you – xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Series 6,

      I love that you said ‘hello’!

      I am so glad this topic spoke to you powerfully.

      Thank you for your post!

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    As always, great show ! So interesting !

    You said that “we only get hooked in with narcissists if we have a corresponding inner wound” which I totally understand and integrate long ago. But you also said in previous shows (Nebular void in particular) that narcissists were very good at finding your inner wound and play from there with you. So, my first question is : is there people on earth totally wound-free ? Or is the goal to clear big inner wounds, the ones that could affect your life and that’s all ? Does that mean that, we, codependent, have narcissists to heal but other specific inner wounds of non co-dependent people lead to another kind experience, also revealing their inner wounds ? I’m very curious 😉 Again, sorry if it’s not clear, I’m french.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Claudia,

      Another great question!

      I don’t know – I guess it is possible that there are people who have become ‘ascended masters’ walking on earth…

      The goal is very simple – IF you have an orientation to being the most freed, joyous, safe, expansive version of yourself possible – that orientation is to COMPLETELY change how you ‘used’ to do pain.

      (This was huge for me)…

      Instead of leaving painful triggers, or painful old emotions there, and just trying to live over the top of them (and being prey to the ego), it was about having a life orientation to doing what this article describes instead.

      When in recovery it IS intense – I would take hours out every day to focus on this work – whereas now in my life, I may do two hours a week max. work on myself, and it is really fine-tuning any slight emotional discomfort I feel inside me – rather than the roaring emotional agony that my Inner Child used to hsve.

      What is great though, is in the intense times (roaring agony) – it is only months when you have an inner tool that can shift inner programs as QFH does in the NARP Program…there is NO longer a need for therapy for decades..

      And by doing the work – the pain IS up-levelled…It is gone…

      With the level of wounding I was rocking – trying to fix it at logical level would have taken me lifetimes! In fact I know I would have died, I just wouldn’t be here…

      Nowadays I am TOTALLY committed that if ANYTHING in my life showed up that ‘hurt’…no matter what it was – I would immediately recognise the trigger and as soon as I could I would go and do a Quanta freedom Healing on myself to up-level that wound.

      And I am thrilled IF it happens, because by clearing it I get to expand into an even more radiant and higher version of myself.

      The fact Claudia that we had narcissists in our lives was a BIG wake up call – relating to BIG wounds…But our life and expansion is about SO much more than ‘surviving’ narcissists – it is about Thriving in every area of our life (if we want that expansion)…. anywhere where we have limitations that stop us being the highest versions of ourselves we can be on that topic we DO want to unfold in our life….

      I guess what I am trying to say is: I wouldn’t WANT to have it all done, because the ‘pain’ is what creates the ability to expand…

      Ironically since I am totally comfortable with any of my wounding and love transforming it – there seems to be so much less, and all of the energy I used to have tied up trying to manage and survive wounds is now freed up to gloriously create my real life, because I DO shift the wounds..

      I hope this makes sense..

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    I hope you can help me With the “Missing link” in my healing. I have come a long way healing my childhood wounds, and feel that I can spot a narcissist. But what about the one that I already got in my life that I have a son With. I often is confused and feeling “lost” regarding putting up boundaries to him. I now have got a restraining order, cause he still wants to bully me. Do you think I’m not healing the “right” way when I’m not able to handle him? I just wanna “say” to him I’ve had enough. It’s not ok to treat me this way anymore…
    Do you by this article mean that healing inner childhood wounds is saying that “just bully me, it won’t have any effect”…? I find that VERY difficult. It’s exhausting to be a target at all time. I should be able to say enough is enough when a person never stops the bullying…
    I hope you understand my question here (I’m not English-speaking, so please excuse my English).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Kristin,

      I am very passionate about helping people with their children, as I went through a HUGE turning point with my son to heal firstly myself and then our relationship – which today despite seeming hopelessly destroyed is truly magnificent.

      I want to be really straight with you in order to help you.

      YES you have corresponding inner wounds that are co-creating this situation – absolutely.

      Now that is not assigning ‘blame’ it is giving you the answer that can grant you power.

      Kristin are you doing NARP? Because the QFH Healing modules are the most powerful way for you to be led to, find and release those wounds.

      The Modules in NARP teach you how to master this process, simply by following the instructions – and it isn’t difficult once you surrender to the process of ‘meeting yourself.’

      Kristin it never works by taking your inside wound outside of yourself and making declaration to other people. Yes you could create real life boundaries (and that is important) BUT please know this – if you don’t clean up YOUR inner wounds – two things happen a) the situation with your son won’t heal, and you will still feel great pain (victimisation) about it, and b) more bullies have to present in your life to keep REMINDING you that there is a wound inside you that needs to be healed.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Hi Mel,
    Thanks for such a great article. What you mentioned about your friend – feeling trapped and ganged up on, has particularly resonated with me. This feeling of being a target for punishment without even knowing what you’ve done does affect my life a lot. What NARP module do you recommend using to heal it? Thanks a lot!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Hannah,

      That is great it resonated with you – many of us have carried young feelings of powerlessness and persecution – they used to be MASSIVE for me!!!

      Ok Hannah, I would suggest Module 4 – if you are feeling great injustice…

      Or Module 1, if you are struggling to pinpoint what the connected emotion is – because once in the QFH healing space it will present itself..

      And I would also suggest after doing a Module – to really clean it up with the Goal Setting Module – and set the goal you want on this topic – anything in resistance that does need to be up-levelled with be flushed up to be released.

      It very, very important to understand that you DON’T need all the information and answers outside of the Module to do the Module – it is by doing the Module that you FIND what it is and release it…

      See how clever the ego is convincing you that you need the answer first? Even if you never know anything other than ‘something hurts’ Module 1 will lead you straight to it.

      I have done TONS of shifts on myself with NO IDEA what it was (high range beta brainwave blocking me from the answer), until I started the process, and then went OMG!

      There is NO information needed before a Module other than something like “I feel a bit off…” Let alone “I feel like my whole world is caving in..”

      Anything at all…

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Thanks Mel for your wonderful insights. About 4 months after the narc left me for a girl 20 years younger a friend wanted to set me up with her friend. From his profile on Facebook my intuition told me that he was not the right guy. In fact i did not add him as a ‘friend’. My friend wanted me to meet him and i was reluctant and the EGO started putting doubts that he might turn out to be the right guy. EGO told me “If you don’t meet him you wouldn’t know, you’ve got to try.” I fell for it and met the guy. There were signs that he wasn’t the right one and once again the EGO told me that i need to get to know him more so that i’ll know and it kept telling me who special i am that this guy wants me. I ended up with this guy for 5 months and then left him as he was really not the right guy. It didn’t hurt because i know he’s the one with problems. I KNEW IT FROM THE START, my intuition had told me and the EGO tried to get me into drama, insecurity. But i learnt what an ego is. Now another friend had been wanting to set me up with another guy for many months and each time i refuse to meet him and will not do so because my intuition is telling me he is not right. Even if i had never met him i already know things about him that are not right. I’m so happy the EGO is cornered. When the right guy would come, it would feel right. As simple as that. If the right guy doesn’t come, that is fine too because i am already very happy, serene and fulfilled and this is what matters most.Yippie!! Take care. xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Jewel,

      you are so welcome..

      This is SUCH a perfect example of the ego – limited, scarcity thinking!!!

      Yep stuff like “Maybe there may be no-one better”. “Opportunities don’t come along every day”, or the classics “You’re getting too old to be fussy!!” or even worse self-degrading ones…

      Brilliant post Jewel thank you!

      Gorgeous you are not listening to that ogre!!

      We really do have a beautiful guidance inside us, and the less ego we have the easier it is to know the right voice!!

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    I’m really enjoying all your articles and I feel better each time I read your latest email. Each article you send seems to arrive exactly when I need some clarification on whether I am moving forward on my path to healing and wholeness.
    I make up a lot of “imaginary scenarios” in my mind where I “stand up for myself” against all types of “bullies and troublemakers”. Then I tell myself to stop being so paranoid, the world isn’t trying to get me. Believe it or not, these scenarios are getting fewer and far between!
    I feel like I am confused with how to create healthy boundaries and that is what is causing me to constantly have these imaginary scenes of standing up for myself…?!!
    You have helped me tremendously with understanding my past and how my life played out the way it did. I feel like a new, strong person who has found the “tools” to be who I was always meant to be. I’m just not using some of the “tools” properly…
    But I’m trying!

    Thank you so much for all you give. I feel lighter and more at home with myself. I love and respect myself, finally. Forgiving myself and everyone else who has passed through my life has given me a tremendous sense of peace and strength.

    You’re awesome Melanie 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Peggy,

      I am so glad you are enjoying my articles..

      With all the work I have done, and the understanding I have gained…this is what I have realised – any conversation we are having in ‘our head’ to try to manage inner wounding is faulty..

      It is hard to get the truth, it is difficult to keep it up (a positive orientation), and it is often stories, guessing and if the wound is significant it is ALWAYS struggle.

      For that reason I don’t rationalise ANYTHING any more…

      This is why I am so passionate about people doing the direct inner work – because it is not until we go inwards, access the emotional pain related to ‘that topic’ and go deeply in to that we get the real answer…

      Then if we have the tool to shift and transcend the wound we get INSTANT change on something that could have taken 20 years of therapy to address.

      The body always takes us to the truth…it’s the only place the truth exists.

      And every single one of us – without exception – has the innate cellular coding to access this place…

      Until you go to the true source of the issue, then trying to manage the struggle…

      That is why the real work simplifies, and makes everything so much more direct, succinct and effective.

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Can you explain how are we to identify our deepest wounds of our inner child…and once we can…how do we heal them. Is there certain steps..what are the actions we must take to heal these wounds. Simply acknowledging that they do exist isnt enough.
    Please be specific on how to heal inner child wounds…I know theres no quick magic tricks..I genuinely want to heal finally…it seems so complicated…please share in step by step process.
    thank you,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Ellie,

      yes absolutely…

      This is exactly where the NARP Program comes in…

      First of all you need to be in theta brainwave to deeply connect – as soon as you enter the healing space in The QFH healing space in any of my programs you go there.

      Then you feel into the wound, and ask yourself how old it is, and what is it about…and the QFH process takes you deeply in to the answers – and with practice it gets easier and easier to do.

      Now here is the vital bit – IF you did not have an energetic tool (QFH) to shift it out of your cells, you would access it and find it and of course it hurts, but not be able to release it…

      The QFH process in the programs gathers all the deep ancestral programs, emotions, beliefs and survival programs on this wound and then spirals it out of your body, and then brings in the Source / life / God truth on the topic..

      And that is the shift.

      Does that explain?

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    I just love reading all your material. I am really trying to connect to my inner child, however I have no memories of my childhood to approx age 8 or 9 and sadly for me there are no pictures of me as a child that I can reflect on. Any suggestions on how I can reach my inner child?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Suzanne,

      I had absolutely no cognitive memories of my childhood either – I had blocked them out and ‘got on’ with life.

      When you are in the healing space and follow the process of QFH, your subconscious starts presenting…it truly is that simple.

      You have to do it to experience it – it goes under your logical mind – to the truth of the matter – and everyone without exception starts connecting in the process.

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Melanie, I thank God for you. I really do. Your articles really resonate with me.

    I hope that I can heal and in turn help others with their own lives in some way.

    Bless you for doing this!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi Megan,

      aww that is so sweet!

      You will my love, because that is what all of us are here to do – to become light and spread it!!!

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel!! I love your articles and the profound information you supply. This one though(Ego/inner child) has left me speechless! I’m happy to say I don’t need to apply the info to the NARC….he has long gone…..But this principle (as you said) can be applied to every area of life.I’ve been mulling over a situation with my business and just realised through your article what I need to do to resolve it….easy!
    Thank you for your ongoing is truly amazing. Bless you Melanie!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    April 4, 2014

    Hi Mary,

    lol, I am so pleased my articles assist you!

    You have it RIGHT totally – it is simple…our mind turns it into outer complicated mess – the futile attempt to try to CONTROL the uncontrollable – when it never needs to be!!!

    Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Thank you Melanie this attraction to pain is starting to make sense the wounds of childhood has to be healed first this is my third month of no contact, but I am feeling the pulls towards the narc thankfully I am resisting my head is helping me still the attraction is there and I need to delve into the feelings “what I need to heal”
    I sent you a detailed email yesterday Melanie I hope you got it . You may be able to advise me where to start to heal. Thanks so much your work is very helpful,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2014

      Hi MaryJo,

      You are very welcome 🙂

      I don’t see it…if you are not yet on NARP or are not a personal client the email gets redirected and generically answered, because I get hundreds of emails and can only work directly with people on NARP, in the forum and on here…

      If you are on NARP the email will come to me…

      If not, Mary you can ask some questions here.

      Mel xo

    John Pollard
    April 4, 2014

    In the Self-Parenting Program we call the ego the Inner Parent. The true role of the Inner Parent is to learn how to love, support, and nurture the Inner Child thru the practice of daily half-hour sessions that facilitate and improve the negative Inner Parent’s erroneous communication skills. Perhaps your readers would enjoy an article about this healing process that has helped so many.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2014

      Hi John,

      I think it is very important when promoting own work to be the force that creates people coming to you who are aligned with your work.

      My work is not about ‘re-parenting’ work with trying to manage or uplevel the wound whilst nor directly releasing it.

      With narc abuse there is high levels of peptide addiction, powerlessness and trauma bonding. This is not normal trauma… Many people who have been narc abused have struggled greatly with re-parenting techniques because the trauma is too great to try to ‘manage’ the emotional agony… I for one was many of them – I needed something much deeper and more powerful to release the pain, rather than try to work with it while it was still in my body eating me alive.

      The erroneous communication is all to do with inner wounding – when the wounding is released, the communication shifts and open up to True Self communication. Its much more real…

      I do believe re-parenting (loving self)work is a lovely supplement after shifting intense wounding – but is not the real healing work for this community.

      As a supplement absolutely you can post if you wish to..

      I would be much more inclined to put people on to tapping (EFT) or kinesiology if for any reason they didn’t wish to work with NARP – anything that cellularly releases pain and the dis-ease of narcissistic abuse OUT of the body.

      Mel xo

    April 4, 2014

    Melanie, this is one of your most powerful articles yet! Thank you. I have been cultivating a technique I learned from Christian centering prayer. I greet every painful event by saying, “Welcome, pain!” I activate a feeling of deep gratitude to myself for having the wisdom to be triggered, and then I proceed through your goal-setting process. In some ways I look forward to the events that trigger me and I’m always on the look-out for them. I want to clear up as much as I possibly can. I’m getting better and better at remembering to do this, but you are right about the power of the ego. It can be so good at mesmerizing me that sometimes I can’t break the trance until the pain gets intense. Your article is such a great reminder of everything I am apt to forget!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2014

      Hi EJ,

      Ohhhhh I LOVE that orientation…

      “Welcome pain!!” – your ego has NO hope with that!!! Sooo gorgeous!!!!!

      I can understand the love of being triggered.I have a wee story about that – I did some work with a girlfriend two nights ago – on some deep unworthiness issues, then whilst in bed – I had a memory pop up – I felt into it and went ‘wow’ – it was an old painful memory when in my 20’s and it totally related to ‘unworthiness’.

      I lay in bed felt totally grateful my incredibly wise body had showed me this (how clever!!!) and given me the opportunity to up-level it. So I did a shift and felt fabulous for it!!! And when I did, I felt an expansion that took me into another widened understanding of ‘love’.

      When we love and are joyous about cleaning out the ‘junk’ in our cells, our brain opens up ‘parts’ that we never had access to before…that is what expanding consciousness is all about..

      So the moral to this story is…don’t leave it until it is screaming and belting you around to do the uplevel…recognise the call to growth and move with it!!

      At first that can take great commitment, but over time – it all just gets so much faster, less necessary and more and more great stuff has the space to flow into your life…if you keep it clean of ‘junk’..

      Mel xo

    April 5, 2014

    Great article Mel, as always. Just over the last few days, I have discovered a very wounded inner child, or should I say, another one of my wounded “inner children”, as I believe I have several who were traumatised at various ages. Between the ages of 2 and 4 years, I spent a lot of time in hospital, and am just beginning to realise how devastating and damaging to me this was. In the 1960s, parents were not allowed to stay in hospital with their children, they had to stick to the official visiting hours. It was frightening and confusing to be – (in my perception) – abandoned by mum and dad, and left with strangers who took off my clothes, stuck needles into me, anesthetised me and cut me open. I would wake up in pain after an operation, screaming for my mother, only to be told that I was being naughty and selfish for bothering people. I can clearly recall being slapped by a nurse because I had been sick in my bed after having an anasthetic. I can now see that this period of my life caused me believe that the world was dangerous and unpredictable, that people who said they loved you would abandon you, that they would let horrible things happen, that they would betray you. I think this was one of many factors that led to me attracting narcissists and other disordered individuals. Lets face it, theres nothing more unpredictable, dangerous and confusing than someone with a personality disorder, is there? I have also realised how abandoned I felt on discovering, time after time, that the person I had fallen in love with, didnt actually exist, and that I was looking at a stranger…..I have suffered from severe anxiety for years, and I believe I have now discovered its origins.I am so glad I have connected with this child, and have been able to validate her, and reassure her that none of this was her fault. Thank you for helping me heal, Melanie. xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2014

      Hi Sylvia,

      you are so spot on…there are many ‘aspects’ and ages’ of the wounds…totally.

      And the deepest and most painful may come up in many different ways at a particular age, and require shifting from many different angles – which of course the body reveals if you just keep dropping into and opening up into the pain.

      Absolutely this period in your life was pivotal – and totally foundational. Correct that level of ‘terror’ unconsciously was a total energetic call for someone to appear who would terrorise you..

      (Boy have I and so many others just like you co-created THAT!)

      Yep, right these were the origins of your wounds…TOTALLY, and it is so fascinating when you start shifting the ‘biggies’ how others will present that you didn’t remember that also make so much sense.

      You are very welcome Sylvia 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 6, 2014

    Ah yes… I can see now that a narc will use your own ego against you with the result of squashing even more your inner child! My inner child has been repeatedly violated with the purpose being to control the narcs own outcomes but they were projected on me instead! And how he did this was to use my own damaged self against me. It is truely insidious. As it still hurts and i cope with releasing pain I also realize how pitiful he is… It is now I nearly feel sorry for him but not to the point where I comply with his twisted self. He will always remain dysfuntional outside a miracle from God or Source. So now I concentrate on healing ME instead of trying…in vain…to cope with his wounds that made him this way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2014

      Hi Raeanne,

      that is great you are seeing the truth, and letting go to focus on you – that is your true power, path and life…

      His journey is his…

      Mel xo

    April 6, 2014

    Melanie, someone asked me the other day who was the wisest person I knew. I answered, “Melanie.” She asked, “Who is Melanie?” I answered, “She is my friend and someone just like you and I.”
    “What makes her wise?” the other person asked.
    “She is wise because she loves who she is, she is free to be herself, totally accepted, unconditionally loved, worthy of life, and wakes up each morning with a mission of seeing joy in every situation, rising above her circumstances, letting her light shine. Growing, healing, evolving. She knows what is truth and that truth has set her free. She is not perfect, but she is real. And she is one of those friends who will love you, warts and all!”
    This person looked at me and said something I wasn’t expecting. She said, “Wow. She sounds like someone who has finally grown up.”
    Totally unexpected response, but she is right. Until we deal with that broken and fearful child inside of us that triggers all our fears, unworthiness, and unrealistic expectations, we won’t ever “grow up” into that beautiful person we truly are. I suppose to this person, being wise is growing up. And I suppose she just might be right.
    I love you, Melanie!! Keep shining…your light has warmed many a heart!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2014

      Hi Teresa,

      WOW! That is SOOOO uncanny – you said that “She sounds like someone who has finally grown up!”…I use that expression with my family and friends ALL the time!

      I say word for word “Thank goodness I finally grew up!”

      Awww I have tears in my eyes…tell your friend she is sooooooo accurate with what she ‘channelled’ to you!!!

      And Teresa, you are sooo right – it is about ‘growing up’…which for me was ‘stop being a scared little girl, in a woman’s body’ and finally REALLY take responsibility for healing those wounds that were causing me to be scared…

      I decided as a result of really, really committing to me, to co-partner Source to be the best version and expansion I could be …

      So yep! Wounds can’t do that journey – they need to be faced and up-levelled.

      None of us can ‘be’ and ‘go’ where our Inner Identity can’t ‘be’ and ‘go’ and to me GROWING UP is firmly realising – no-one else is coming to save us from ourselves, and it is no-one else’s fault or responsibility we are where we are..

      I love you too Teresa, and if there is EVER the chance, your friend you and I HAVE to meet up for coffee or a meal!

      Eternally I am committed to being and going with this light – thank you 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 6, 2014

    Hi mel
    why did my ex narc hubby stop me from trying to take my life a few years ago!-it was more a cry for help than anything else!! BUT I was at a very low point. Did he think, maybe my narc supply will be gone? Or does he have a heart? I just don’t know.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2014

      Hi Manuela,

      I we can feel under this – the truth is you wish that someone else would know your worth or love your enough for you to have a reason to live, rather than you working at healing whatever you need to heal to be that for yourself.

      I’m actually not going to entertain that for you. If I do, a) I’m only guessing b) the answer will not stick as solid for you or grant you any solid, real relief, and c) your focus needs to be on healing yourself to get well, and what your unhealed parts are in that.

      Manuela you have already agonised over this question for years, come up with so many different versions of answers, and you have already sought countless people’s answers.

      Can you see that this is not working for you?

      We ALL did this until we stopped it and started working on healing ourselves..

      Mel xo

    April 6, 2014

    Hi mel
    What if we can never feel better?
    Its not like that could never happen?
    I feel like I don’t want to be around other people, then I really crave or would like to. But I just don’t do anything about it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2014

      Hi Manuela,

      do you really think Source / life / God created us as some cruel joke to just suffer?

      We are all given all the wake up calls, all the answers, all the opportunities, and we have all the tools…

      No-one (not even God) can stand for you if you don’t Manuela…

      And IF you do – you have access to the full power of all of life..

      That is the essential lesson we are all here to learn – Self Love and how we are incredible creators.

      So incredible we can create absolute hell for ourselves if we choose.

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    April 6, 2014

    Hi Me,

    I am so glad my work helps you to make the distinctions between ‘who is who’..

    The future is a beautiful journey of love and expansion – as long as we keep it simple, and keep dissolving the ‘head illusions’…

    So true – we are ‘One’ – the separation was only the illusion – and my healing is your healing – and the happiness and fulfilment is right here, right now if we get our wounded parts out of the way…so that we can connect..

    Thank you for your lovely post..

    Mel xo

    April 6, 2014

    Hi again Melaine.
    I think You got me wrong in my last question. My son is three years old, and is of course not a narcissist. His father is. I’m not living with him anymore, but he doesn’t listen to lawyers or the police to stop bullying me, so I have had a restraining order. My question was: is this wrong regarding to Your articles about healing childhood wounds? Even if I do this work on myself “my” narcissist is not going to change himself. He still wants to bully me, and I’ve had enough of it. I almost feels like I’m doing something wrong…do you think I should fix myself and then let him bully me all over again? I just dont understand the message here…
    BR Kristin

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2014

      Hi Kristen,

      yes I apologise somehow I did get that wire crossed re your son….I was somehow in an earlier post…however, the victimisation you are feeling with the narc, (or anyone at all) is still the same principle..

      No, you are right narcissists don’t change, but when they can no longer trigger you and get narcissistic supply – their behaviour stops towards you….without exception.

      It depends what level of belief your life has come to and gone to – my personal experience is deeply energetic and spiritual, as has been many people’s in this community.

      In that everything we receive that hurts us, there is a wound within us that is the other side of the magnet, and when we do heal there is no attraction force keeping it going in our experience..

      All of us with or without children went through bullying, abuse, smear campaigns, abuse by proxy etc…and there are co-parents who no longer have stress with narcs, because they have healed enough to grant it no negative energy, set boundaries and not feed it anymore..

      When you no longer are triggered of react (even energetically) to his bullying – it will cease – he’ll have to take it elsewhere…

      Plus everything in your experience will form to match your new vibration – because when you are clean and clear – then life conjoins with you – the right solicitor falls into place, the narc slips up..etc etc..I have seen it happen hundreds of time – when life takes over.

      That happened totally in my own experience, when I stopped trying to agonise and fight with the uncontrollable and instead started focusing on healing me…

      That is exactly what happens in EVERY case that I have seen when people heal their inner wounds. It stops – period…

      Because the individual is no longer a victim co-generating more victimised attacks.

      It is exactly BECAUSE you want it to end and say enough that you would want to do that..

      If you don’t it doesn’t end – narcissists are psychic vampires and delight 20 years down the track that people are still hooked into handing over energy because they are affected.

      Hasn’t experience already showed you that?

      I know its terrible – we all know and have been there, and it takes another angle totally to get the real solution…

      Mel xo

    April 6, 2014

    Sorry Melanie, but I don’t understand a part in your answer; that I have sought countless people’s answers’, I’ve never spoken to anyone about my ex narc on the subject of him stopping me from taking my life. About other things, yes, but not this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 7, 2014

      Hi Manuela,

      Sorry to create confusion. What I really meant was the question as codependents we all carry, ask and agonize over…’does this person really love me and care about me?’.

      When we try to work that out, and when we believe that is the source of our well being we are assigning that person in the role that we have to be to ourself.

      A whole person in relationship with other healthy, whole people.

      Mel xo

    April 6, 2014

    Hi Melanie, your work has helped me immensely and I am deeply grateful to you for doing what you do. This article has clarified a lot for me. I have been trying to be a Source to myself but have been struggling with ‘how’ to be a Source to myself. For example, one of my wounds seems to be feeling that ‘no one really cares about me’, which would mean that I am not providing that to myself, that my inner child feels I don’t care about her… Could you please give me an example of how I could make my inner child feel that I care about her or be my own source of caring? It is easy to think about how to do that with another person, but I struggle with what to do when it comes to that relationship with myself, even if I try to think of it in terms of how I would show another person that I care about them?

    Thank you 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 7, 2014

      Hi Leah,

      Ok yes for sure!

      There are two ways to do this – as a transformational shift, or as an information build up and learning.

      Whichever way you wish to tackle it – it can be really helpful to read Marianne Williamson ‘ A Return To Love’…

      The real deal is this – it is our connection to Source / Life / God the unconditional force, higher power that grants us and fills us with never faltering unconditional love….

      From a religious perspective some people may feel ‘God’ as an outer Life force, whereas many spiritual people may feel this as our Higher Self, our God Self…the biggest, infinite, eternal part of ourselves that goes way beyond our limited small and fearful personality..

      My belief and huge personal transformation was the shifting to ‘seeing’ myself as Source / Life / God does…constantly unconditionally adored and accepted purely for Who I Am – the knowing of my worthiness beyond measure…

      I actually don’t believe that we CAN feel self worth without that incredible connection to the truth in ‘The Field’…I believe on our ‘own’ we are too small, and always feel ‘separated’ and ‘unworthy’ no matter how much we try not to.

      Our ego would love to tell us otherwise – but I believe THAT is the truth…

      Ok so you can make this shift gradually with working with re-parenting study that includes a higher power as its basis, or you can pick up the wounds, clear them energetically out and bring in Source adoring and solidness immediately in to that space – on the topics that ‘hurt’..

      This is the most direct way to do it…and it is how I work with my wounds.

      I hope this helps 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 6, 2014


    April 6, 2014


    April 7, 2014

    Thank you so much!It’s a bit clearer now…:-)

    April 7, 2014

    That was amazing! Thank you

    April 8, 2014

    For me, there are “Ah-ha” moments in every blog. This one made me really stop and think: “Narcissists are NOT the healers of our wounds – they are the MESSENGERS of them. ”

    I saw and felt in hindsight that this person was put there for this very reason. I hated going through it but I am so glad to learn the lesson and to take off the blinders and see what they and I really are, so they would not inflict any further damage in my life and so I wouldn’t be open to it.
    Great post!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 8, 2014

      Hi Sarah,

      that truly is the fundamental statement…

      Brilliant you already ‘felt’ that…and now this just takes it deeper 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 8, 2014

    Hi Mel, thanks for the insightful article. I’m Candice and I’m 24, the article came at a where I’ve left the narcissist ex for nearly 2 years. I thought life would get back to normal after leaving him, but I realize I’ve become a changed person- I no longer am as motivated and proactive as I was before, and I seem to be aimlessly drifting. Previously I was a go getter and set high goals and had confidence in myself. While I used to critic on my own performance, it becomes worse now- I could literally hear myself condemning my crazy negative self-talk, such as “I hate myself”, “that was stupid”.

    It never did occur to me that my current plight could be due to my inner wounds, thank you for sharing that. I’m now trying to address and heal the wound. My question is about the source of the wound. I honestly cannot remember anytime in my childhood that I’ve been abused, criticised badly. I grew up in a loving family, my parents and brother doted on me. The most remotely close to “abuse” I could think of would be (1) my mum’s strict rules on restricting my hanging out with friends (she was excessively worried for my safety and not nallow me to hang out after school, which caused me some anger) (2) my parents were talking to each other in a harsh and critical manner, which caused me to be scared even till today. Does parent’s interactions with each other influence the manner in which we treat ourselves? And if anyone could not identify their wounds, would there still be a chance of healing?

    Thank you very much, I really enjoyed your articles and found them uplifting.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 8, 2014

      Hi Candice,

      you are very welcome – I always so inspired when people your age wish to look inwards and grow themselves.

      Yay! It grants sooo much hope and evolution for the future generation!

      Your question is brilliant..

      And this is something that I can’t explain any better or more simply than this…

      When you feel into the wound ‘that is’ RIGHT now, and start clearing it out – you ‘burrow’ right down – as you shift layers off to get to the origin of that wound.

      Your body shows you – it comes up into your consciousness…It is only through tracking your pain NOW (what is in your life now relates to the origin wound – that is why you are hurting – because it is still there)that you CAN find it..

      It’s not in your conscious (cognitive) recognition – it is held in your subconscious – which can only be accessed by ‘feeling’…your cognitive mind may have COMPLETELY forgotten about it – just as Michelle in the article couldn’t remember logically what her mother said to her at three years of age.

      The formula is this – you have to go inwards and meet yourself – otherwise you just can’t know – and at best you are merely guessing.

      Make sense?

      Mel xo

        April 9, 2014

        Hi Mel, that was a really enlightening explanation. With the newfound knowledge and perspective I’ll need to work on those wounds and recover. And on hindight I am thankful to have undergone such a painful time in my life with a narcissist so that I see myself better. It’s still an ongoing journey of recovery for me, but I’m glad I’m conscious now of what steps I need to take.

        Really appreciate all your thought-provoking posts and your dedicated responses to all your readers. You are an inspiration to all of us that thriving is possible after abuse. Continue inspiring and uplifting people! 🙂

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 13, 2014

          Hi Candice,

          I’m so glad it resonated with you!

          It is so true that our evolution, our gold comes from ‘inside our wounds’, the being with them, and the uplevelling of them!

          Thankyou for your lovely comments, and I certainly will Candice..

          Mel xo

    April 10, 2014

    Another incredibly effective healing post. I am so grateful to you Melanie for providing such wisdom and insight.

    Much love to you.


    April 12, 2014

    I am new to your site, and it has been so enlightening. I was involved in an affair with a narcissist for 3 years and I remember going to multiple therapist asking “why can’t I just walk away”? I wanted someone else to give me the answer and every time he came back in my life I was willing to sacrifice everything that is real and true for a false fix. I finally researched narcisissitic personality disorder and then had my first ah ha moment and now reading your blog I’ve had my second. I was pulled back in every time he went silent. Unsettled anxiety, horrible sadness would overcome me and I would run back and practically beg this imposter to please show me attention. It was disgusting and pathetic and always lead to my destruction. Now I know the answer has been and always will be inside of me. I have maintained no contact for some time now and instead of saying poor me I am saying why did I allow this person to do this to me. I think owning it is the best gift to my inner child, and I’m ready for healing. Thank u!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 13, 2014

      Hi Pam,

      I am so pleased that you found your way here, and things are now starting to make sense…

      That is wonderful that you are maintaining No Contact – and FANTASTIC that you are releasing the ‘victim model’, as that healthy orientation truly is the way home..

      Wonderful that you are ready for healing!

      Mel xo

    April 13, 2014

    Bless you, Melanie. Bless us all in our inner search for light.

    September 3, 2014

    After reading this newsletter I was immediately inspired to reach out to my inner child. I was amazed at how much pain I had been harboring. I’m now struggling with the decision to leave my husband as the support network I would lean on are part of the narc legacy I’m trying to break. Thank you for putting me on the right path.


    Lesley Lee
    December 2, 2014

    That was perfect/stunning & very true. Enlightening and exactly the right time to read it. Thank you so much


    December 6, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    I own I cannot quite agree with this article. While you are right on the whole, I disagree about our “inner child” being a perfect innocent. We all have both positive and negative impulses we were born with and must learn how to control the bad ones while promoting the good ones. It is nowadays commonly assumed that “bad impulses” come only from children who are not or feel not loved enough. That is not true: selfishness, wilfulness etc. are an inherent part of human nature. It’s the parent’s task to socialize the child and to bring it up as someone who respects both his own and other people’s boundaries and responsibilities.
    The awful part about narcissistic abuse is that the abuser expects you to be responsible not only for yourself, but for him as well, which is not only unjust but also humanly impossible.

    I have read many of your articles and I agree with most of your statements. But the disturbing part, as is also with many other blogs, sites, articles and books about this topic, that the reader is easily lulled into the illusion that all you need to do in order to avoid narcissism in your children is to “love” them. Many parents nowadays do not dare to educate their children any more and instead cotton-wrap and sugar-feed them, afraid that the least “no” might turn out as a deadly wound on the poor innocent’s soul which will scar it forever.

    I am not an advocate for Black Pedagogic. But our ancestors cannot have been total fools and our generation cannot claim to have the key to all answers. What I mean is that if many societies and past generations believed that children must be treated with strictness and punishment, there must have been some reason, rooting in experience. The “terrible two’s” for instance occur for all children, not only the ones who do not experience healthy parenthood. The child must overcome this phase, and it won’t if you never say no and never raise your voice or dare to be strict if necessary.

    Indulging children, e.g. with the pretext that they are innocent, is precisely what LEADS to narcissism, and the process is, as you well know, irreversible. I know this very well because my own mother is a narcissist as a result of having been allowed everything she wanted. We need not only to heal our wounds but also to see to it that no more of this poison enters the world. Abusing a child is horrible, but the other extreme is not a solution.

    Dear Melanie, I live at the other end of the planet – literally. And I am appalled having to realize just how many of these emotionally stunted, whining and scheming children are swamping our society. I hear more and more about narcissist, their victims and their exploits, and I fear we are on the verge of a socio-political implosion. If I could, I would ask every man and woman who becomes a parent “Please, whatever you do, do not indulge your child. You do not know what you are doing, both to yourselves, the child and the rest of the world!”

    I hope you will not resent my frank words. Your articles are very insightful and are helping me a lot. But I could beat every fool with a stick who raises his child on the basis of “Ooooh, but he’s such a sweet innocent, let him have all he wants and he will turn out all right.”

    December 12, 2014

    Amy, I wanted to respond to your comment because it got me thinking. You know, I knew a mom once with a 5 year old that I truly believe was born evil. And guess what the mom indulged his bad behavior by not punishing him ever, even when he would hit her repeatedly! Finally, they decided to over-medicate this kid and he became the youngest zombie I had ever met. Now, I know for a fact that my narcissist was over-indulged as a child by his mother and his father abused him. One the other side of the coin, I was the daughter of a true sociopath (my mother is an angel, but in too much pain herself to stand up for her kids, but I forgive her with my whole heart). I was punished for everything, even for being alive. I was never indulged and never truly had a childhood to speak of (that I can actively remember) that didn’t involve pain, neglect, and abandonment (emotional and physical) and it wasn’t just from my father, but by many adult figures in my life. From my earliest memories, I remember pain. I even started physically hurting myself at 5 so I could release the emotional pain. I have honestly never said that out loud before. Now, my inner child, that kid I spoke of previously, and even the inner child of my narcissist were all damaged very young. Sometimes, I wonder if I have an inner child at all. But I don’t think Melanie means loving in the terms of spoiling. I Think she means loving in the since of holding accountable, then forgiving. I have two beautiful children. My daughter is 10 and my son is 1. My daughter was born with this 6th sense of compassion and empathy. She’s a beautiful, intelligent, creative, kind, and surprisingly well-adjusted child considering the amount of madness she’s already seen in her life. She’s free and so very secure in herself. No challenge is too much for her and she’s always full of happiness and joy. I admire and love her light. She was awful during her terrible years. She was a little hellion! I was so relieved when she emerged through that as the sweet little lady she is now and was as a baby. The terrible years were fun in their own ways too though. I think Melanie meant the inner child like possibly from 5 or 6 and up, whenever that true self starts to come into play. Now someone made the comment about reparenting above and it begs the question, if your inner child was always riddled with pain, how do you know who that kid would be? I mean, if that’s all you’ve ever known? I would like to believe that with the proper loving parent, enforcing boundaries and holding accountibility with a forgiving heart, my inner child would look more like my beautiful daughter. I hope I’m not totally off-base, but that’s what I get from this. My “ego” is the brat, bully, sociopathic narcissist antagonist that’s always replaying the horrible insults and painful memories to keep me scared, reckless, or so unbelievably depressed. My inner child only had small bouts of reprieve that shown few people weren’t malicious, evil, or self-serving. But I believe there are lost causes, and I don’t 100% believe I’m one (so there’s hope), but I think some are. Parents can’t be blamed totally and neither can life experiences. I’m a second generation “victim” of sociopathic abuse (my moms mom was quite possibly a narcissist), and for sake of my two kids, I want to end that cycle desperately. I have to take ownership. Something has got to change. And I think that has to be me. So, I guess what I’m saying Amy is I’m not knocking your words because, trust me, I feel rather cynical at times. But I believe the inner child would be the child you would have been with the right people and influences to be brought up without wounds or injuries, with the proper boundaries and forgiveness, but without taking away from what makes you…you. I hope this makes sense. I’m just beginning all of this.

    December 12, 2014

    Oh and, I just wanted to say that narcissism doesn’t only come from over-indulgence because my father (and his identical twin brother, also a sociopath but different tactics) was severely mistreated by his father, not sure the dynamics behind that relationship, and my brother was damaged, possibly mildly narcissistic, but not evil. But I think that we’re just more aware as of them now. And we as a society are becoming more aware of codenpendancy and the negative effects of that as well. More people are speaking out against it and it’s been researched, studied, and delved in to a little further. I don’t think it’s new is what I mean. Its been around a long time. The over-indulgence parents are showing kids now is lack of “training”. Corporal punishment is looked down on now as a parenting method, but other tactics aren’t taught, so parents over-compensate by over-protection or over-indulgence. I don’t know that answer, other than continuing education that Melanie provides, which is real and works. A lot of people say the jest of the same message, but What I like is the ownership and application methods I see here. That’s nowhere else. No one is guiltless in this, which is why the accountability is necessary. No amount of love can change a narcissist or sociopath or co-dependent who’s been damaged by them. But co-dependents that want to be healed, have the ability to change the previous two can’t. Sorry I was so long-winded and if I was off-point.

    December 30, 2014

    I have had recently acknowledged my bf was narcisstic,but it only emphasises to me I am a co dependent type,,despite many years of being single,i still attracted him, and. ,find him fascinating,like watching a car accident,terrible but came stop watching,,,,i felt the activation of my needs,and felt an energetic cinnection,,, I used to call it nurses disease,,would you course help me heal my co dependent states,,,love your boots and articles,,

    February 3, 2015

    Hi Brianna,
    thank you for your comments! I am of course aware that too much strictness and punishment can result into a disturbed personality as well; what I find disturbing is that so many parents nowadays believe they only have to go to the other extreme, that is over-indulging, in order to have perfectly good and healthy children. Of course that’s not right, both extremes are NOT about setting healthy boundaries. But ever since the Sixties or Seventies I have the impression that the plague of con-artists and “charming”, seemingly altruistic narcissistically disturbed persons is exploding; very many mean people no longer beat, rob and kill you openly but underhandedly, additionally pretending that it’s all your fault. That is why I am so critical about the saying that children are innocent: it goes hand in hand with the conviction that “good education” means encouraging children to do and to be anything they want. A child must be taught to keep its natural love of self, but also to respect other people’s love of self. And the sad truth is, if it is not taught so it won’t do it but expect to always have its way. I know that from own experience…

    December 26, 2015

    Dear Melanie I can’t tell you what you are doing for me. If I told you my story Belive me u won’t believe it. I’m sure what you think you went through is like nothing I have been through in my 37years on earth. I have my children to thank because being a mum to four wonderful children made me fight to live and seek help. Thank you especially for this particular article I’m Begining a now stage from tonight. Thanku and God bless you

    April 6, 2016

    Thank You Melanie. I have fought this for years never knowing where to start the healing. This is wonderful information. I now feel I can take the right steps toward a happy life. Thank You again.

    May 28, 2016

    It’s my belief my “ego” is actually my inner wounds expressing self, represented by chemically and mind/heart learned patterned energy fields in our whole person dynamic. It feels different with each “ego” hit, since it’s/they are always representing whatever wounded age the memory triggered is stired up. As I trust self and go into my wounded childhood needs, self partnering and bringing forth healing, I am seeing “ego” reactive responses decreasing left and right. My new healed self is integrating my healed wounded parts, along with finding, believing, and forming my personal boundaries and exercising my right to be the one aware of and meeting my needs. People just need time to get used to my new, multidimensional self. 🙂 Not only will I have growing pains, so do all those in my life as I change and energy shift. This time I’m aware and consciously in charge of myself. Others who are one dimensional no longer have any say or regarded opinion with anything in my life.

    Rene Wood
    July 13, 2016

    I’m not sure what it is I do to engage my inner child to communicate with me. I know when I feel pain its the ego but how do I get down to my inner child from when the pain starts to get to the reason I’m reacting as I am? I already feel stupid for asking you this but I have to be honest to get through all this to heal.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2016

      Hi Rene,

      This is not a silly question at all!

      There is a fair bit to this …. the best way really is the workshopping of it and I highly suggest you come into my next free Webbing Group Rene … because there you get to experience “how to” and process this work in a Group with me.

      As long as you have a Facebook Account you can join the private Group – as well as experience self-partnering with your Inner Child in the Webinar.

      Mel xo

        Rene Wood
        July 13, 2016

        I have signed up so I will be there. Oh and by the way July 27th 2016 would /is our 15 year wedding anniversary…..bitter sweet since I filed for divorce dec 2015 but can not seem to file for a default judgement for some reason and I need to since he failed to answer. we have a court date in September he will be there so i need to request default judgement so court date is vacated and I get what I asked for….but do i really care anymore?

    July 17, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    Thanks for another spot-on blog article. I found it very helpful with the exception of one important point, and that is that I worry that you may be doing some of your readers a misservice by inferring that the ego is something that needs to be “dissolved” or done away with rather than an integral part of our personality that needs to be transformed or brought into alignment with our Higher Self. I realize this may seem like an unimportant point or mere semantics, and for most of your readers, it may be, but let me tell you why I am bringing this up.

    I have been going through your information in order to deal with my own issues, but in the process, it has occurred to me that I would like to share a link to your page with my husband whom I left about 9 months ago. He himself is probably a narcissist and was probably raised by a narcissist or two, and so is experiencing both sides of the coin (to tell you the truth, when I examine my own life and your words, I think that narcissists and their victims are probably flip sides of the same coin, the only difference being how they act out those wounds in life, with some of us occasionally playing the opposite role to our dominant one). I know you’re going to tell me to stop focusing on my husband and to focus on myself, and believe me, I am (not because of him, but because of a relationship with another narcissist after I left my husband which brought me to my knees in a very short time). However, he married me because he knew that there was something very, very wrong with the way he was running his life and relationships, and for some reason (maybe because I didn’t accept the blame he was always trying to dump on me), he thought I could help him “become human” (his words).

    Well, I don’t know if I succeeded in that over the last 6 years, but what has happened is that he has finally been brought to his knees by losing me (even though he never seemed to want me around at all), and after years of resistance, has actually sought the help of a therapist (unfortunately, after one visit to the NHS therapist, he was told that there was nothing they could do for him, that he was okay… tragic, considering that his inability to function is so profound that he is moving back in with his mother at the age of 45, in order to retreat from life).

    Now, back to the whole “ego” thing… several years ago, we had a homeless woman staying with us who herself turned out to be mentally ill, but claiming she was a therapist, she began doing (unsolicited) therapy with my husband, constantly attacking his “ego” as if it were a separate (evil) entity sitting on his shoulder. My husband is probably somewhere on the autistic/Aspergers spectrum and tends to take everything very literally, and now for years, as a result of this experience, he has become very confused and thinks that there is some part of himself that he has to “killl off” and that is his “enemy.” For someone who is so full of self-loathing that he cannot even participate in the most basic of social or interpersonal situations for fear that someone will “see him for the contemptible, evil being that he really is,” you can imagine how devastating this belief can be. I have spent a lot of time (in the past) trying to get him to understand that, although his ego, in the way that it is currently functioning, is not serving his best interests, it is not his ego’s intention to cause him harm or to destroy him, but to protect him in some way that it was programmed to do that as a child. It is just that the ego is misguided in its attempts and not only ineffectual but harmful, but that it needs to be embraced and re-educated to act in ways that really will help him to function in this world. We all need our egos in order to survive; that is what allows us to function, but those egos need to be functioning in a way that serves us and helps us connect and engage with the people in our lives rather than keeping us separate and either terminally superior or terminally inferior. And our egos (both those of the narcissists and those of the victims) need to be re-trained to realize that they are not the center of the universe but a precious and important and valuable part of the “whole” in which each part is equally precious and valuable and a reflection of our own inner selves. I hope you will find a way to make this distinction to those of your readers who have difficulty with taking things to literally, because I have seen how much damage can be caused by a simple misunderstanding like this. Bless you, and thank you for all the good work you are doing!

    July 18, 2016

    Hi Melanie
    You are doing such a life changing experience for so many and i am blessed that I came across your articles and videos.
    I have only just started reading and viewing realising that it is me who needs to find my inner self.
    I have been in a narc relationship for 6 years on and off, no longer together although still live in the same house receiving the same abuse.
    After a couple of days of seeing your articles I calmly stuck up for myself “confidently”and now know what I have to do.
    I look forward to your webinar and am working on myself everyday.
    Much appreciated…?

    August 18, 2016

    Thank you, Melanie, for the great advice!

    I recognized my ego at work after watching a great film last night, “I AM.” In the film, a highly successful film-maker known for many box office hits made his own autobiographical take on “the connectedness of all things.” One scene involves the film-maker (also the star) being hooked with electrodes to a petri dish of yogurt that was sending out signals based on his emotions. The readings would go off the chart when he thought about a situation that would bring up a strong emotion. He asked the scientist in the experiment, “what causes this?” the answer was “we don’t know.” That scene stood out to me for some reason. It’s a fascinating film that I highly recommend.

    But anyway, I noticed my mind, my ego, coming into the picture and saying things like, “This guy’s rich and famous and then he goes and makes a film about himself, talk about self-absorbed.” I think this is my ego at work, jealous and trying to find some fault because I never achieved his sort of success (which is also a major theme in the film, by the way). I recognized my ego voice as something I don’t want to indulge anymore. This made it easier for me to appreciate the message(s) of the film—I’d love to see more like it!

    August 21, 2016

    Sometimes I notice the ego voice is just in my head and not a pain or discomfort in the body. I’ve heard the ego often called the inner critic and one technique I’ve heard of is to be vocal toward it. If you can’t find pain in the body and it’s all in the mind, this seems to make sense. The method I’ve heard of is to fight back using direct statements called the Howitzer Mantras. (Stop, Shut up, Silence! etc.) I’ve had mixed results with it.

    September 5, 2016

    What if there are kids? Most of us beeing Targets are financially controlled.
    And we can do all this for our self but our kids cant. And not every one of us can just leave with the kids. Such as you cant. I also cant since there is a risk he takes them into his country and continues abusive them.
    The autoroties do not Protect us and the kids it is difficult to explain and proove what we. are going through. When children are involved it is a must to be Supported by the responsibility authoroties to Protect them from the Narc. They are still small and are not able to work on their inner Child and should not be with the narc at all.

    Then: how can one do the NARP if there is no money because of the financially and social control? Recovering might be nessecarry for some of us to get out of the financially and soviel controll.

      October 18, 2016

      This program has option for it to be given to you as a gift. Ask them…. you are worth it.

    October 18, 2016

    My “ego” is an integral, necessary part and is my wounded inner self: My generational dna wounded parts siding with new, my Life wounds from my childhood birth into FoO sra and mn.

    NOTHING in ego to fear and ALL PARTS of ME NEEDS and deserves my Authentic Love within from Source that I AM. If “it’s” in me, it’s to be loved, not feared or even more negated. Only Love creates internal/external shift to Source perfection that I AM.

    November 15, 2016

    Melanie – your blog posts are simply incredible. Each time I read one I connect with it so strongly and then I read another, and another, and each and every post truly speaks to me and my experience and what I need to focus on to reach the level of consciousness that I know I am destined to achieve.

    Thank you so much.

    December 10, 2016

    I am only just discovering what is happening to me through your incredible life changing information.

    My sincere gratitude. I have been reading everything for 10 hours or more now and I am ready.

    You are amazing.

    Randy Ramirez
    January 7, 2017

    Thanks so much for this enlightenment. I’ve been blaming everyone and not looking inside . I know now why I keep attracting the same type into my life.I think my time with my ex girlfriend was difficult but now am able to look forward .I still am week but am going to continue going down this path of self improvemement . It’s only day four and am now excited to see what the days,weeks and months ahead will bring .
    Thank you again,
    Randy Ramirez

    Stefania P.
    January 9, 2017

    This was exactly what I needed today, thank you Melanie

    I left my narc a few days ago, I had an epiphany about 4 weeks ago and left him, I saw for the first time that it could not be me and googled what I was feeling and: BAM, there it was: co-dependency, narcissistic abuse, manipulative relationships…
    I read articles and watched videos for 24 hours almost without sleeping, then he came to me, desperate, crying … and I fell for his tears, I caved in…
    Being on his (very small tropical) island in another country it was difficult for me to just leave… Or better, it was a good excuse for me not to leave straight away. I left my hotel after 3 nights and went back to his house, which to me felt like a golden cage!
    3 weeks later I had collected enough evidence to realize I was right the first time, I had some lucid moments when I could just ‘observe without absorbing’ his poison, during the crazy discussions, dramas and interferences of his (hooked) ex…
    Still the day I left, at the airport, I was not sure I was ready to let him go
    I flew to another continent, where I am now for 2 long months, travelling and trying to recover
    I left him on a facetime call officially, just a few days ago… And told him I did not want to hear and see him ever again
    It felt soooo good! I felt powerful, strong… At least while face-timing with him
    Since then I have applied the no-contact policy, everyday implementing a new step (blocking him on facetime first – then whatsapp – day 3 normal phone – day 4 socials – day 5 email), and have great ‘up’ moments…and terrible ‘down’ ones… When I walk on the street and I all of a sudden need to shed a tear… or lets say a bunch… Feeling empty and ashamed and sad and powerless…
    Me, the loving, caring, strong, beautiful, successful woman I thought I was… just ended as a mere object in the hands of someone who is not even capable of love…
    I sometimes fear/hope (yes, I do hope, why lying? even if I do not like it) he can come here and find me and I can get a little bit of my drug again, before realizing it is a big mistake again …
    But reading this article today, together with watching (for the 3rd time) the video about the 4 points, gave me again that positive energy that keeps me away from the drug…
    Now I have 2 questions, Melanie, which I hope you can answer for me:
    1) I sometimes feel like I want to smoke a cigarette (i quit only 2 months ago) as a kind of a quick fix and substitute of a worse evil… Any tip on how NOT to do that? Or should I just get that bloody smoke and not be too hard on myself?
    2) Your 3 hour seminar is on Feb 9… Jeez that’s soooo far away! Is there any little practice I can use to start healing from within rather than bombing my poor head with articles, books, video and seminars of online experts on the subject?

    I am truly grateful to have found you, you make sense to me, you give me a sustainable solution, rather than just words and logic
    I am ready to heal and I know I will…I just sometimes feel it goes sooooo slow!!!
    I know I will eventually meet him again, he will show up at my door, I know him well, in April he will travel back to my city
    I want to make sure I am ready, not hooked anymore, and feel strong
    Can you help me by giving me some practical tips on what to do on a deeper level, energetic, emotional to start healing from within?

    Thank you! Grazie! Gracias! Dankjewel!

    May 12, 2017

    Hi thank you for your amazing article
    I was searcging the difference between inner child and child ego state in Eric berne theory transactional analysis
    I hope you can help me on that

    May 15, 2017

    first I habe to thank you deeply from my heart Melania for providing me with such revelating to the point information. Nevertheless, as I have a yogic background, for me it is not just information for the brain but it goes directly to the heart. Especially because I just realised over the last weeks that I have been the male partner of a femal narc. But this is just one side of the coin. As you said, the healing comes from within. Through yogic retreats, hara shiatsu treatments, and today I had my first psychotherapy session, and strong desling with my situation by writing everything down which happpened to me in the course of my last realtionship, thereby also seeing the patterns I followed during all of my life I came to the realisation that the most important thing is that I listen to everything which happens within my system, the body etc… . Feeling it, trying to go deeper until crying so heavily I never did before. And it helps a lot to this concept of the inner child at hand. It makes perfect sense because it’s true. I realized that I always have been neglecting the signs. e it anxiousness or whatever. The neglection of the signs is materialied in heavy thoughts or inaccurate communication which later I was blaming myself for. This is a vicious cycle produced by the mind i. e. the ego. I am so grateful that I finally received the resources enabling me to go deep into myself. By this, learning to recognize the value of my true self is the ultimate silence which is indeed the art of being and not the art of doing. Therefore I want to thank you again for being such an effective messengerof healing! People like you are at the core of healing the whole planet. And the planet is inside us. Although yoga opens up incredible resources of selfhealing for me there was always something missing. In the course of my yoga teacher training, never the inner child was mentioned. After a retreat or training week I feelt so releaved because of the energy, the yogic pratice gabe me, but it was not lasting, because it was never really connected to what was happening inside my body. The connection to my true self could not be established fundamentally, because I lost it long time ago. I am now 39 years young. Anyways it opens space for other things. For example I came across a guy which doe seminars in terms of the inner child and why we chosse specific partners. And one revealing phrase was: “Nothing will change until I do not take FULL responsibility of my emotions and sensations” For over two month now this is my leading mantra, and, surprise, everything changed! I now take full responsibility of my life. Thank you so much, many. lessings to you!

    September 12, 2017

    Hello Melanie,
    I know this is an older article but since being in a relationship with a NARC for the past 9 months, I knew I needed help to escape his treachery. While reading this article, I had the ultimate epiphany. I don’t think it was so much me as my inner child screaming to be heard. I realized that the source of my pain was due to abandonment issues I felt from both my parents as a child. Even though I have sought therapy in the past, I never connected to this wounded part of me, therefore it was never healed. The second this voice came through, I immediately started to cry. I decided to journal what I was feeling and the past trauma and how my ego dealt with it. I consoled my inner child; even going so far as to stare at myself in the mirror to further connect with and truly SEE the damaged child that has resided inside me for the past 40 years. I haven’t cried so much in a very long time. I know I have a ways to go before I can fully heal, but NOW I know what has caused me to allow toxic people into my life for so many years. I will continue to do the work, because for the first time in my life, I feel a sense of who I really am, and that in itself has liberated me. Thank you so much for helping me and others like me to overcome our painful pasts so we can all look forward to a better future. Love and light!!!

    Antoine So
    September 20, 2017

    This is very good article. Thanks

    November 14, 2017

    Thank you, Melanie for this article. I must admit that last week when I first started reading your articles, watching your videos and listening to your radio broadcasts, I was totally overwhelmed with so much pain and anguish that I felt physically ill……head pounding, sick to my stomach, chest hurting…….I had to take a break. I am now almost ready to start your Narp program. I am still reading and listening to all your articles that apply to me. I have great hope and faith that this will give me my life back. No one has ever wanted to be around me or chosen me to participate in anything because I am so damaged…….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 15, 2017

      Hi Lin,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I am so pleased you are going to turn inwards and de-tox the trauma, it is your time to heal.

      Sending many blessings and healing to you.

      Mel xo

    Jackie mcknight
    November 29, 2017

    My god. I am in a divorce from a narcissist. I had narc parents and family. I have been in therapy for months and have gotten some healing. I am in no contact from the husband for the second time in the last year. It is obvious I have peptide addiction lots of codependency and woundedness. An incident occurred during thanksgiving with family that triggered me and as I explored I found your website and this article. I have identified and grieved the wound today. This article allowed me to see that and realize what the wound was. I have done parts work unsuccessfully in the past but now understand more about it after reading this article. My ego has been running the show of my life up until 1 year ago. I detoxed off mind altering drugs I am healing from Lyme disease and all the emotional pain that has crippled me too. I thought I was done but now see my true healing has begun. Thank you for your strength your work and helping me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 30, 2017

      Hi Jackie,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you and it is fabulous that you are dedicated to your healing.

      So many of us were doing SO much to try to heal and then discovered once we started working with Quantum Tools that our healing accelerated incredibly.

      I’d love you, Jackie, to come into my free webinar so you can experience directly what I mean:

      You are so welcome Dear Lady and wishing you incredible healing and breakthrough.

      Mel xo

    Aiko Shimada
    March 9, 2018

    This is the best article I read regarding Ego and Inner Child, and connecting with Oneness! You explained the topic so clearly, and summed up everything I have read so far, from Eckhart Tolle to A Course in Miracles. I now feel I get it. It doesn’t mean all my challenges are solved, but I’m excited to try to connect with my Inner Child. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2018

      Hi Aiko,

      I’m so pleased this resonated and many blessings to you and your inner child.

      Mel xo

    March 19, 2018

    This is one of the few times that I STRONGLY disagree with MTE. My inner guide and spirit have very clearly taught me that the ego and the inner child are two sides of the same coin- in other words, the ego IS the inner child. If you notice, the ego behaves like a child also- a “bad” or spoiled child (we know that from observing narcissistic behavior), but a child nevertheless. What we call the “inner child” is the “innocent” and “wounded” emotional part of the child. So essentially if you look at it as there is ONE child entity within us called the ego- one side of the ego is the harsh egoic thought based programming that tries to protect and safeguard the other, and the other is emotion based which is wounded. The creative potential comes from what’s underneath the ego- that is the true being of who we are. Eckhart Tolle talks about this- the pain body is the wounded inner child, which is the emotional part of the ego. He says if we can go straight to that deeper emotional part of the ego instead of to the outer shell (the thought based part), then we are closer to reality- although neither the thought based ego, nor the emotion based part of the ego is who we truly are. The ego is not who we truly are- that includes the inner child. Our ultimate true self is not the inner child either also it is part of us in this incarnation so it is part of us but not the ultimate truth (paradox). The emotional body (inner child) is information that we use to navigate this reality and is not to be mistaken as our true ultimate identity either since it is part of our ego too. In an Ayahuasca ceremony, I saw my ego come up (Ayahuasca is known to rip through the ego and makes us aware of how to heal at the deepest level) and my ego declared “I’m the best! I’m number one!” And I realized that it was my ego and it was acting like a child- a “spoiled child.” At first I tried to fight it or ignore it from all the religious advice and advice of “healers” that talk about needing to destroy the ego, and when I did this, the ego became even stronger and angry and fought back even harder. It’s like fighting or ignoring your shadow. It will never work. So then something clicked inside- I realized that my ego IS my inner child and it just needs to be loved just like a child. When I did this in the ceremony and embraced the narcissistic ego and shined unconditional love onto it from the deepest part of me, then the whole experience became light hearted and even humorous as I saw what the child getting on top of its soapbox was trying to do. It’s like leaving a child in charge- it’s going to do what it knows! You can’t just demonize a child for behaving “badly.” That’s YOUR child. You have to love it unconditionally. To exhale one part of your ego (inner child) and demonize the other part (the protective narcissistic side) is not fully and unconditionally loving the complete self. If you split the ego into two and only love one side of it, then it is not fully integrated and the ego/inner child will still not trust you! You will continue to have problems because of this fundamental misunderstanding and no amount of NARP “clearing” will fix that. The NARP program (which I have) is about clearing traumas retroactively, which is fine for heavy past traumas. But a true enlightened way is to consistently allow all feelings to freely flow through you in every moment, and all suffering stops. Because when the emotional body (inner ego) is consistently felt and connected to by the inner awareness without going through the thought body (outer ego), then the inner resources of unlimited unconditional love will constantly shine through the person (enlightenment). In our world, we deal with things in the opposite direction: Thought (outer ego) > Emotion (inner ego) and since the ego (child) deals with the outside world, the ego is convinced that it will get what it needs from the outside, because not enough awareness is developed to connect the ego with the true inner being of infinite love. But if enough awareness is developed, then it acts as a bridge between the inner being and the ego, and so the source of living is not the ego, but rather the inner being deep within (the child is no longer driving the bus). The ego has a very clear purpose in reincarnating into this world and navigating the outer reality as a “child fictional character” in order to work out our soul’s karma and growth. It is a necessary part of us and we should not aim to destroy it or dissolve it but rather to develop our awareness feel our feelings in every moment so that the emotional body dissolves in every moment and the true inner being underneath the ego shines through. There is an article below that I found which covers this same information.

    Sasha Coleman
    April 2, 2018

    This is a really important article and the info in it is priceless. Thank you for explaining the difference. I was totally conflating the two and hating on my inner child as needy and daunting voice in my head and the cause of all my troubles. Once I read this article and understood the difference – I was able to release victimization and stop blaming my inner child. Thank you so much!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 2, 2018

      Hi Sasha,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you and helped.

      It’s my pleasure 🙂

      Mel xo

    Josanne Broersen
    June 19, 2018

    Thank you so much Melanie,
    All your knowledge on this subject has been so valuable to see things clearly at last. I am so grateful l am in holidays to soak it all up and experience the healings on an inner level
    I have already felt a shift…and want to heal my way to thriving in every area of my life…step by step.
    Much gratitude to have finally found a way

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2018

      Hi Josanne,

      It’s my pleasure!

      I love that you are going for Thriving.

      Continued blessings and breakthroughs to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Sandra Gruka
    March 10, 2019

    Hi melanie,

    My name is Sandy. Being able to even say that has healing elements. I am currently digging out of a horrific relationship with a NPD … one of which nearly took my life…literally spent 209 days in the hospital due to the sickness of the secret. I am healing now, one step at a time.

    Your views are new to me in a way and have been so enlightening. I’ve been floundering around trying to understand the battle, hearing the voice of my inner child crying and just not knowing how to rest her. The gapping wound between is still bleeding.

    I’ve been drinking in your emails and can identify with ALL of it.

    Keep them coming, I want….no I NEED to heal completely. There is a wondeful life waiting for me to live and regift out. One of joy and happiness and security within.

    Thank you for your wisdom. I desire to be whole from the inside out. Just need to know how to stop the bleeding


    ~Sandy G

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 10, 2019

      Hi Sandy,

      You are very welcome and I’m so pleased my information is starting to bring you clarity strength and real answers.

      Sandy my greatest suggestion is for you to take the step into my inner transformational work. That is where the real healing takes place. The first step is here:

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    June 25, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    I began your program three days ago and have felt life come back into me for the first time in a very long time. It is WORK but worth it. I feel more connected to myself and to my strength. Still a long way to go though. The puzzle pieces are coming together now and making so much sense. My father is a narcissist. Have felt this on an energetic level for a very long time. So there’s that piece. Bit the bigger piece and question I have now relates to a larger trauma. At age 33 I was living with my boyfriend but fell in love with another man. Totally unexpected. We ere just friends then suddenly I was attracted, but through a soul level connection vs. the physical. I was myself but with the lights turned brighter. He was working with this woman who was doing group healing so I went (not with him). But EVERYTHING in me was telling me NOT to do this. Long story short, when it was my turn to do some “work”, I was shaking my head NO involuntarily but she took my head and shook it YES. They laid me down and I went into almost convulsions and came out of the experiences paranoid and traumatized. It opened me up too fast and my nervous system could not deal with it. I am now realizing she too may have been a narcissist? (or just very incompetent) as she did NOT listen to me or respect my NO and boundaries but instead put her will on me. I realize I allowed it but it has been hell to heal from. Overnight I went from functioning to completely dysfunctional. 25 years later and lots of therapy later I am SO exhausted and depleted. I have narcissist stories as well I will share later but for now… is it possible to tune into a whole system, like adrenal system, to heal? Are they all inner child parts? Agin, thank you SO MUCH for this life saving work. I feel it working and am so grateful. Laura

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 25, 2019

      Awww Laura,

      I am so pleased you are working with NARP and recovering you.

      Sending you continued blessings and breakthroughs.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    Darrin Holbein
    August 13, 2019

    In response to the following:

    “So how do you know if you are acting from a healthy inner stance or a wounded egoic defence?

    Simple … don’t approach anything in your life from a position of fear or pain – because if you do, it is always a wounded centre that your ego is playing with.”

    I am writing to ask for further clarification concerning “don’t approach anything in your life from a position of F E A R or P A I N…”

    When I was in 6th or 7th grade, a inspirational speaker came to speak at our school. I was pumped. When I returned home, I told my parents I wanted to be a motivational speaker. My dad thought that was a great idea. However, he said, most engaging speakers have overcome incredible feats in their life. I wasn’t deterred.
    When I entered university, I minored in speech communication, with and emphasis in public speaking. I enjoyed getting up and speaking to audiences for as long as I can remember. I read scripture passages in my youth to large congregations. Gave multiple speeches in college. All without fear. Instead I had confidence and felt like i was in control. It was terrific.

    Then, when I turned 29, I was at a new place. I didn’t know anyone. The facilitator asked if someone would mind reading a lengthy section from our reading. I said I’d to it. I started to read in front of a reasonable size crowd of strangers. Suddenly, fear overcame me. I tried rushing over the words without breathing so I could get to the end and get over the fear. It dropped me to my knees.

    I’ve since been employed and have always received positive feedback from many audiences. My job requires me to speak in front of varying size audiences. I still remain crippled with fear. Sometimes I worry for weeks about the topic. Speeches last from 1 hr to 8-hrs. Once I start, I typically overcome the fear. Nonetheless I am curious as to why I suddenly became fearful.

    So, back to my original question: The fear your speaking of here, are you telling me because I fear speaking, that I should consider another line of work and maybe speaking isn’t what my inner child or true self desires? Or is it simply my ego and something that I need to investigate further? Or am I simply misunderstanding the term fear here?



    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Darrin,

      What I am really saying is go within and release yourself from that fear, and then see where your life, passion and unlimited possibilities can take you!

      Inner subconscious fearful programs are not allowing you to soar as high as you can.

      Come into my free webinar to understand more about this

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    November 14, 2019

    You mention taking what is hurting you and dropping into the Module NARP… this lost me.. I am in the process of dealing with leaving a narcassist… a 4 year relationship and know I need to work with in me, but you lost me here. What is this and where do I find information to help do it?

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