Melanie Tonia Evans

10 Ways We Can Self-Avoid

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 12
52
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

When we are on a journey of healing and resurrection, the most important component is “self-partnering.”

This is in dire contrast to “self-avoidance,” or what is also known as “self-abandonment.”

Many of us had no idea we were “self-avoiding” because we just thought we were doing our best to get on with life. For many people life itself can be all-consuming. You may feel like it is a daily struggle to cope – or even just survive.

For so many people, a need for self-partnering only happens when life brings us to our knees when we simply can’t continue on with “business as usual.” This generally happens as a result of challenges, adversity or even tragedy.

This is the time when we reach the cross-road of evolution or dissolution. This is where we choose to transform ourselves from the inside out – or we miss the boat and just get progressively more unwell.

Narcissistic abuse is undoubtedly one of the greatest wake-up calls to let us know that the trajectory and choices we were on aren’t working, and self-partnering is essential – and absolutely critical if we are going to heal our life.

We may not have realised how “unconscious” we are when we self-avoid. We may not have realised that rather than be our own authority – honouring, loving and respecting ourselves, and creating more of that with life, we have instead been living life by default.

If we are not self-aware and healthily self-empowered, we are controlled and molded by people and situations, rather than being a creative force of truth for ourselves. Eventually this model leads to our own demise, which is exactly what happened to us via narcissistic abuse.

How do we stop this?

By taking our focus off “WHAT happened to me” (the outside), and make it our HIGHEST mission to take our awareness, energy and deep-abiding love inside ourselves, so that we can work on and heal “WHY this happened to me.”

 

The 10 Tactics We Use To Self-Avoid

 

#1 Blame and Shame (Including Abuse Forums and Groups)

When we are focused outwards, and righteously blaming and shaming others for the state our life is in, we are self-avoiding. In this model we believe our painful energy is being directed at others, however it is deeply damaging ourselves.

This is known as being a “victim.” If we are not prepared to give up our victimisation and take responsibility to be with and heal our own wounds, we remain extremely unconscious and we don’t recognise that we are in fact the generative Source of our own experience.

Now we have just rendered ourselves incapable of changing our experience, because we have handed all our power to others – we keep handing these people the “gun” to keep shooting us with. When we create others as responsible for OUR life, we grant them permission to deliver us MORE of the powerlessness we feel about ourselves.

This is the number one way hands down, that we can self-avoid. There is no turning inwards to begin growth, development and evolution on this path, only the accumulation of more and more self-abuse.

Victimisation, additionally, creates chemical peptides in our brains that are incredible addictive, and highly self-destructive, and they lead to a life of generating more victimisation and powerlessness.

 

#2 Not Spending Time Alone

People who are always busy or have to have constant company, and who don’t take time to “be with self,” are self-avoiding.

A powerful exercise to see how healthy your relationship is with yourself is to sit quietly with no outer distractions, or noise, and simply be with yourself, with your eyes closed, connecting to your inner self for 45 minutes or so.

Many people are literally terrified of doing this, and make all sorts of excuses about “what needs to be done,” or “who I need to visit,” yet the anxiety they feel is really about STOPPING for long enough for the inner fear, pain and trauma – that they have been trying to avoid – to come and meet them.

There is only so long we can run away from ourselves.

Hopefully we understand that “life” shows us where we are deficient with ourselves. These examples can help us become conscious of this fact.

How can we expect anyone or anything to commit to us or partner us healthily if we refuse to do that for ourselves?

How can we expect someone to help support us with our fear and pain and concerns, when we have no desire to be that support for ourselves?

How can we expect anyone to be present, “hear us” or for goodness sake LOVE us, if we can’t even bear being with ourselves?

So many people are incensed by the way people treat them, and have not realised this powerful truth: “I am the generative Source of my own experience – and therefore how other people treat me is IDENTICAL to the way I treat myself.”

Many people believe constantly keeping busy and running away from painful emotions makes them go away. No, they don’t go away. If you are continually disowning your painful feelings they only get bigger.

Weeds need to be pulled out of the garden, or they take over and choke the flowers. The only way we can pull the “weeds” out (our internal pain, fear and trauma) is by being prepared to deeply partner and work on ourselves.

 

#3 Food, Sugar, Alcohol, Cigarettes and Drugs

Ingesting substances is an attempt to fill the “emptiness” where self-partnering (self-love, self-dedication and self-growth) is missing.

This is an attempt to numb out painful emotions. All addictions are created from the chemical rush of relief – relief from internal emotional pain.

The dire and self-destructive problem is: The actual emotional wounds (the cause of the emotional pain) is never attended to. It’s important to realise that the emotional pain is just the “noise” these wounds are making to try to get a person’s attention.

The addiction itself is also a symptom, just like the emotional pain. It’s a compulsive action born from self-avoiding inner wounds, in order to try to stop the emotional pain. When the addictive substance is consumed, there is a dopamine hit that is in stark contrast to the emotional pain – hence the “relief.”

When we are self-avoiding through addictive substances there is a very frightening element involved. The “weeds” are spreading and getting bigger, the “relief” over time isn’t as powerful, and we need more and more of the substance to get the same level of relief.

The relief, naturally, is only a quick-fix. It’s a bandaid that keeps falling off. Meanwhile the inner wounds which are not being tended to are a bottomless pit – always needing “comforting” and never being actually healed.

All addictions generate self-loathing – the lack of trust, belief and respect for ourselves – which only adds to the already compounding inner wounds, which then need more “comforting” to try to numb out the emotional pain generated from them.

Such is the vicious cycle of substance abuse.

 

#4 Social Media, TV, Computer Games

The information explosion we have experienced in the past few years has granted us wonderful access to the world, but it comes at a hefty price – the stripping away of time for access to our Inner Beings.

If we don’t have the balance of time with self we can get lost in the on-line world of filling our heads with more and more information, yet losing our essential connection to ourselves.

TV and computer games are other ways we zone out and miss opportunities for self. We may think we are escaping our problems, but at the end of the program or computer game, we still have to meet our emotions, ourselves and our life.

It’s so important to realise that if you want to create a life of a higher vibration and higher value, you have to give up things of a lower vibration and value in order to get it.

The greatest value we can ever create – as the platform to our life – is an evolving, growing self. The expanding of our Personal Identity beyond who it was previously.

If your downtime is spent numbing out with social media, computer games or TV, you are wasting valuable time where you could be creating the Life you really want from the inside out.

 

#5 Shopping and Material Possessions

Many people believe happiness is deemed by “what they have” instead of “who they are.” This is a deadly trap – a bottomless pit into thinking that possessions, status and gaining approval from others are the fuel for happiness.

Like all inauthentic sources of fulfilment, the same result emanates – the initial high followed by the same chronic feelings of emptiness, insecurity and anxiety.

It is only through deeply meeting, loving and partnering ourselves and tending to our own healing, “filling” and growth that we can ever be durably happy – anything else falls short of the mark.

There is nothing wrong with wanting and striving for nice things, when it is an extension of an already “full” and “whole” self, because that is the expression of an abundant and expansive self.

Possessions can be an outpour of who we are, but they can NEVER grant us ourselves.

 

#6 Love / Sex Addiction

Many people believe “If I could just get a partner, or if I was having regular sex with someone, the pain and emptiness would go away.”

Love and sex addiction is a common form of self-avoidance that leads to dependence, enmeshment, co-dependency, and abusive and painful relationships.

If we are connecting with someone in order to escape our inner pain, this person is a “drug” and not a person. Rather than take responsibility for our own inner pain and emptiness, we project this onto the other person and hold him or her responsible for it.

Then love becomes fearful and controlling, and misses the vital ingredients of authentic love which are freedom, trust and allowing, and the life is squeezed out of the relationship.

This is a path of unconsciousness – leading to unhealthy expectation, disappointment, glorifying another person as your Source of self, and failing miserably to be that healthily for yourself. Then when this person reflects back to you the emotional “gaps” that you have missing within yourself, they become the “villain.”

When we become conscious and we make our first priority to be a “healthy self,” we are much more likely to attract and be attracted to individuals who are also whole, authentic and capable of emotional self-sufficiency. Then we can “be” and share love, instead of playing out power-struggles trying to “get” it.

Doing the essential self-work grants the foundation for two people to come together, not as a futile attempt to escape inner wounds, but to grow, evolve and expand together.

 

#7 Workaholism

It is very easy for people to not realise over-working is an addiction – because our culture rewards people who strive for accomplishment.

If we are working as an escape from our emotions, we suffer gravely. We lose our self, our health, and we are playing out our painful unhealed wounds of security and survival fears – feeling that we will never be good enough. We can chase our tail believing “My life will be okay when I achieve this goal or that goal.”

Of course that day never comes.

Workaholics, as a result of not having taken the time to face and heal their inner wounds, tend to “work hard and not smart.”

They cause extra-work as self-punishment and self-sabotage. Workaholics have the painful inner beliefs “If I want a job done right I have to do it myself,” and don’t generate effective support (then blame the people who let them down), or simply refuse to delegate.

As with all addictions, it is vital to stop self-avoiding and perpetuating more anxiety, and deal with the original wounds that are causing such behaviour.

 

#8 Being Concerned With Everyone Else’s Issues

If we are constantly thinking about other people’s problems, worrying about them, getting involved in them and not paying attention to our own inner triggers, angst, patterns, emotions and habits that require our attention – we are not growing.

We are simply making it all about other people, or “situations” or “causes” so that we don’t have to look at ourselves. Whilst we remain unhealed and unconscious we have no power to positively affect these people or “causes” that we are involved in.

Additionally, many people use gossiping and “drama” to self-avoid. It can provide the emotional energy to help people get out of depression, only momentarily. Then this comes at the price of all addictions – a further stripping away of self.

Interestingly, what triggers us and takes our attention is usually the trauma we have not healed yet, or the aspects about ourselves that we dislike about ourselves that we have deeply disowned.

It is vital to understand, the only people who have ever created positivity change or reform in the world, did so by taking full responsibility to set the example FIRST.

They deeply and devotedly became and then generated the change they wanted to see in their world.

 

#9 Not Being Present

When we are struggling to connect to people or tasks, and can’t “be there,” we are really avoiding ourselves.

There are issues within us about being “seen,” sharing energy and committing.

We may fear being exposed, judged, rejected, criticised, taken over or abandoned. We may be creating the protection of “If I don’t really show up in the first place, I’m not risking anything.”

The reasons why we are avoiding others and avoiding life are precisely the unresolved issues and fears that we have within ourselves.

Until we establish self-disclosure, self-honesty, self-love, self-acceptance, and self-partnering, we can’t be authentically present with others and life.

 

#10 Humour, Sarcasm, Putting Up a Front

A method of self-avoiding may be the wearing of a “mask” to fit in and no let anyone see the truth of how you really feel about yourself. This “mask” may be humour, sarcasm, superiority – or simply being who you think other people want you to be.

Being non-authentic may allow you to fit in and function to some extent, but it comes at a high price – the less energy you put into developing yourself and shining your True Self to the world, the more you lose yourself to a False Self.

You will be anxious, trying to gauge people and situations – trying to work out what is your best “mask” to wear on that day, or with that person.

You will also discover that your interactions don’t feel heart connected and satisfying. Instead they feel shallow, unfulfilling, and more like a stage-play than real life.

You may be very busy trying to fit in, win approval and get the energy of other people’s love and devotion – yet no matter what you receive you won’t trust it as being real. After all, how can you be sure other people aren’t playing the same game that you are?

What is likely is your connections are superficial and based on “What can I get by being a certain way, rather than what can I genuinely give by sharing my authentic self?”

Until we have partnered ourselves and learnt to love and accept ourselves warts and all – how could we expect other people to accept us and believe we are worthy just for being ourselves?

 

The Shifting of Self-avoidance Into Self-partnering

In order to change our emotions and behaviours, we need to shift our internal beliefs.

By doing so, our new more empowered healthier state of being will simply be an expression of who we have now become.

For those of you on the NARP Program you can use the Goal Setting Module, and set up the following goals to reverse the faulty powerless beliefs limiting you from entering into a self-partnership.

This is so much more than just speaking affirmations, which take a great deal of repeated effort and time to trickle down into your subconscious in order to produce change. Body shifts are another level entirely because they are a much more powerful and direct application.

To recap, the following are beliefs you may want to release all resistance to in order to help claim Self-partnering:

 

#1 Blame and Shame 

Self-partnering Goal: “I release my outer focus in order to bring my power back into my own body. I now deeply partner and love myself.”

#2 Not Spending Time Alone

Self-partnering Goal: “It is safe to let go and just be with me. I rejoice in joining with myself in love, truth and healing.”

#3 Food, Sugar, Alcohol, Cigarettes and Drugs

Self-partnering Goal: “I release the need to continue hurting myself. I free myself to go within in order to support, love and heal myself.”

#4 Social Media, TV, Computer Games

Self-partnering Goal: “It is safe to feel. I have the courage to meet myself, and be with myself in order to heal. I am worth it.”

#5 Shopping and Material Possessions

Self-partnering Goal: “I am worthy of love just as I am. I am adored by all of Existence simply because I exist. It is safe to be and love me.”

#6 Love / Sex Addiction

Self-partnering Goal: “I let go, and fill myself with love and development. By doing so I am a whole being sharing my True Self with others in their true power.”

#7 Workaholism

Self-partnering Goal: “I am worthy of receiving. Life co-partners me abundantly to provide my security, flourishing and nourishing. I am supported, and it is safe to be.”

#8 Being Concerned With Everyone Else’s Issues

Self-partnering Goal: “I recognise what I see in others is what I need to heal within myself. I let go and take my power back into my own body to heal my life.”

#9 Not Being Present

Self-partnering Goal: “What I fear about others is what I need to heal in myself. I connect inwards in order to heal, knowing my divinity and True Self connect gloriously to Life and others.”

 #10 Humour, Sarcasm, Putting Up a Front

Self-partnering Goal: “I release the need to hide. By connecting with loving and healing myself, I can share my true radiance with others and life. It is safe to be me.”

 

I hope this article has helped you recognise where your blocks may be in regard to coming home to yourself and self-partnering.

This is how we become conscious and generate a life that is not just worth living – one which grants incredible purpose, joy, love and meaning.

This can only occur when we realise life is not happening to us, it is happening through us.

In my Free Webinar I do a deep self-partnering exercise to help people connect to their Inner Being. For many people who experience my Webinar, this is the first time they have deliberately gone to their Inner Being with love, devotion and acceptance.

You can sign up for the Free Webinar here

This is what some people reported after this experience.

“The emotion was incredible, overwhelming in fact. But not in a bad way. I felt this amazing opening in my heart, and a deep desire to be with myself and love me. I now realised how rejecting myself has created so much pain in my life.”

~ C.K. USA

“My therapist has been trying for years to get me to feel and connect with myself. In your Webinar Melanie it happened, finally. I am thrilled beyond words, because this is exactly the key that was missing. I can’t thank you enough.”

~Sue. Montreal

“I can’t thank you enough for what I got out of the Webinar. I held myself for the first time and I knew, like I knew, that THIS is the love I have always been searching for and trying to get from others. Now I have incredible faith that I can work on myself to create the most authentic relationship in my life, one I KNOW will create a healthy one with others.”

~Dean G. Australia

 

If you would like to experience the visualisation exercise that these people did, in my next Free Webinar, I’d love you to join me in just under two weeks’ time.

You can do so here

 

I look forward to answering your questions and comments below.

 

 

 

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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52 Thoughts on 10 Ways We Can Self-Avoid
  • Laguirre07@gmail.com'
    Linda
    August 27, 2014

    This is a life sustaining information. I thought I was healed and found myself facing similar issues in a new relationship only this time there’s no verbal abuse. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust what they are telling me even though words and actions couldn’t be further apart. When I asked for space to reassess I was told if I can walk away then how can he trust I won’t walk in a committed relationship. It feels like a double edged sword. I am at least aware of what is happening again subtly and while I want to run filling my life with activities I know I can’t and will stop to feel the emotions of emptiness, fear and move forward to a better place. I survived once and I know I’ll come through again. I thought I had learned and healed from my past experience with a narcissist but apparently I need more soul searching and self connection. Thanks Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2014

      Hi Linda,

      I am so glad this article resonated with you.

      It’s so vital to dig into “why” you take people on face value instead of asserting, asking and clarifying – especially when actions don’t match words.

      Because if we just “allow’ and are not prepared to show up taking a stand to look after our wellbeing and truth – those boundaries will be violated.

      It’s great that you recognise the inner healing work is essential.

      Mel xo

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        kay
        August 30, 2014

        Spot on Melanie! Thank you so much for this! So much of the time we here the theme of “allowance” and so on, and yet, not taking a stand. There is a time to take a stand and maintain the boundaries!

  • uhm155@hotmail.com'
    Kate
    August 27, 2014

    I relate to you Linda. After 10 years with a N I entered into another relationship 2 years later. This one is worse than that one! But this man is needy, has serious rejection issues and is the most selfish, self absorbed man I have ever met. We have been seeing each other on and off for about 18 months and I have to say it is the weirdest situation I have ever been in.

    The ONLY difference in the sickness of this relationship is this man has readily admitted to having ‘issues’ and entered counselling on his own. But there is no real commitment to it.

    Its like being with a 2 year old toddler. But I am very aware of what I am and have done to ‘feed’ the continuation of this. Now I need to look at this in myself and heal those parts that are not benefiting me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2014

      Hi Kate,

      it’s great that you too realise real change in our own life needs to start with ourselves.

      Again the words “I will” with no commitment is not integrity.

      If people won’t take responsibility then there is no change possible.

      Mel xo

  • rozanne@rozannehenry.com'
    Rozanne
    August 27, 2014

    I’ve been noticing an increased need for my son to use humour in inappropriate ways to get attention from peers. He happens to be really struggling with the lack of attention around his father and subsequent challenges with school marks.

    . I was becoming increasingly angry and frustrated by his behaviour and kept saying to him “What are you thinking?” ” Do you actually think that is funny ”

    I understand now. Thank you so much.

  • rozanne@rozannehenry.com'
    Rozanne
    August 27, 2014

    Your comments about the need for sugar when feeling out of control is spot on.

    Also being continuously upset by someone else’s lack of nurturing their own life…

    Interestingly – This is EXACTLY what I am so upset about right now about myself after the legal ties have been cut with the Narc.

    I was intensely over involved with his issues and needs at the deep cost to my own….

    I COMPLETELY see the huge lack of being present in the nurturing of MY own life

    Its taken the outcome of the divorce to see the EXTENT of this and the consequences that this behaviour has cost me.

    I see how both my son and I have used avoidance tactics – just in different ways.

    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2014

      Hi Rozanne,

      the great thing is you know what has come up for you and what you can target and up-level.

      It’s understandable, the dust has settled, you are through the divorce and now it has a chance to come up.

      All will be well once you release that regret and move more forward into your True Self.

      Mel xo

  • rozanne@rozannehenry.com'
    Rozanne
    August 27, 2014

    You are so right about the self loathing – I started feeling this way about all the money I had given the Narc years ago when he was a student – and now I do not have any of that kind of financial independence any longer.

    The truth is – if I had nurtured my money – nurtured my right to even own my independence – I wouldn’t be so angry with myself now.

    Its all about how little I valued myself at the time. We don’t HAVE to give away everything we have for the sake of someone else’s happiness.

  • saralou_d@yahoo.com'
    Sara
    August 28, 2014

    Just this past week I realized how brutal I am to myself for not meeting my own expectations. When I was with him, I tried attacking my narc to get him to shape up because I could see how the way he treated me and himself was so destructive. Having now spent a year with myself on my own I realized just this week how brutal I am with myself for not meeting my expectations. I also realize now that the way I avoid are the ways I am brutal with myself. I have healed a great deal using the NARP program this past year, I can see and feel my progress. This article has helped me clearly see the areas I still need to do work. I really appreciate having you in my life, Melanie. You save me so much time by clearly bringing truth that I can just sit with and accept and begin to work on. Every week you bring something to light in my life that I was usually already pondering and miraculously your article will spell out what I can work on. You are a tremendous help with how far I’ve come. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2014

      Hi Sara,

      that is wonderful that this article is in sync with you 🙂

      You are so welcome, keep moving forward you are doing a great job!

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    August 28, 2014

    This is great timing after my comment to you yesterday about eating too much. Addiction of choice, shopping, computer, food, it is all hiding the one thing I am learning to face and feel, me and my pain. I would like to add one more, religion/spirituality…this one can either support my self loathing or lure me into more denial.Anything that takes me out of presence needs my attention especially those things I think are good, maybe they are, but not if I use them to take me out of presence.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2014

      Hi Ruth,

      yes it was great timing and very apt!

      With spirituality / religion – does it allow us to surrender and let go of parts that don’t serve us (ego / False Self) – and allow in a Higher Power (True Self), or are we using it to avoid self.

      If we work with spirituality to claim and meet and transform self, then we are creating an Authentic Self.

      Many people, of course, use spirituality as ‘information’ to avoid self, but don’t do the deep inner transformation work.

      Mel xo

  • deanna_lyn@excite.com'
    De
    August 28, 2014

    Melanie,
    Again thank you for these wonderful enlightening writings! Each time I read, I feel so understood. I have struggled with many items on this list.

    I had something very odd happen yesterday. I have been in a narcissistic relationship for 3 years – trying to get out and stay out – unsuccessfully. I always go back because I want him to prove me wrong.

    I’ve always thought he was cheating on me but didn’t have proof. Yesterday, I had this very odd gut feeling to google his name. Well, there it was…I got that proof! In March he had started seeing a reality TV star and they are currently filming episodes (with him as her boyfriend) and I saw a photo of them together. I was shocked. I started shaking. I sent him a text with the photo I found. He didn’t reply. I kept clicking on more photos and finding more and more of them together. So, I decided to get to the bottom and I posted on her Twitter account. She responded and we spoke for about 2 hours. She told me that they met on Tinder (online dating app) in March. He told her that he’d broken up with me before they met. I gave her proof this wasn’t true as we had contact last week. He was sitting there with her,while we were talking, and she told me, “He’s saying you are a PSYCHO STALKER” I texted him, “How can I be a stalker when you always contact me first and come to my home?” Again no response. This was the first time he’d turned on me. I realized that I could not get him on TV but she could. This was his 15 minutes so it was my time to be devalued and discarded.

    After giving this woman information, physical proof and suggestions that she google Narcissism, she also lied to me. They made it public on Facebook this morning.

    She may be a narcissist too, from what I’ve seen on the TV show, read on TMZ, etc.

    At first I was angry, upset, shaken…but now I feel relieved! I needed something so PUBLIC and IN MY FACE to WAKE ME UP.

    Today I feel I can conquer the world and my demons! I wouldn’t be where I am today if I wasn’t doing your work for the past year….Again, Thank you!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2014

      Hi De,

      you are so welcome, and I am very pleased that you feel supported.

      That is great you have proof…however what is really important to understand, is that if you have Inner Identity wounds that are keeping you in the game, then even this may not get you out and keep you out.

      And, even if you do create No Contact – the trauma and obsession (symptoms) would remain.

      This is why it is so important to heal our inner wounds – then there just isn’t symptoms left to struggle with.

      Does this make sense?

      I’d love you to come into my next Webinar De, if you have not attended one already.

      You can do so here:

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thankyou-step2.html

      Mel xo

  • janbjoerklund@yahoo.se'
    Father of two
    August 28, 2014

    I feel unique. Just women around. Am I the only man around who’s had this experience?

  • rmfirefly777@hotmail.com'
    RLauren
    August 28, 2014

    Great article. I have spent the last year alone in solace/celibacy addressing my issues. The last boyfriend I had flew me to his home there and he lives in this state as well. I actually moved closer to where he lives but he does not know. I have zero contact with him by my choice. Has nothing to do with him. I realized I needed time out. Regarding mass media as in the previous commentary about Reality tv etc. There are 2 reasons I have opted not to Skype with Melanie. One is my needs in that I have numerous traumas that despite Right Action for decades I buried the anguish and upon opening one trauma a Pandoras Box of pain was unleashed. The numerous trauma’s catapulted me into needing one on one therapy. Skyping with Melanie would be really effective alongside Therapy but my parents worked with/know world famous celebrities and politicians. As much as I would love to Skype with Melanie I respect my parents privacy as I have met a few of their acqaintence. I think that irregardless of what our feelings are towards people that are in media or work certain careers that expose them to media that may or may have not abused us etc that we should maintain their privacy for legal (liabel/slander) and ethical reasons. I change my FB frequently and moved again last year. In this whole year not a soul has been in my apt. but me since last November. I also had a freakish experience posting on here in 2012/3? A man from Australia attempted to contact me via an old dating site I was on (since 2012)and since deleted for sure. After pressing for a photo,as his profile had none, alongside his name, he gave me a photo and name. He tried impressing upon me he was legit.I thought I had raked him through the coals sufficiantly. He was from Wheelers Hill or he says. Red Lights went off in my mind. Did this guy track me via this forum? He sent flowers and chocolates to my door and pursued me for months. Leading me on for a long time claiming he was from Mass Media. After all was said and done he disappeared as if in a vapor suddenly feigning an illness. I surmised there are great guys on here that have genuine issues like in this post but there may be vultures preying on this blog. Not sure. Not sure how or why he found my dating site profile as I live in the US and it was uncanny that as I started posting here that man approached and started posting on my dating site. What I am saying is be careful in commentary what you post in regards to reality tv etc. You could be stalked. Vultured. Preyed on. Worse sued for liabel/slander. Men came forward and posted allot in the men’s article Melanie wrote awhile back. There are allot of men that suffer from this narcissism abuse from women and men that have narcissistic parents. Law of Attraction says I attracted what I got from that guy from Australia that appeared and disappeared. He was from Australia that I am certain of from his accent. But I never trusted ever posting info on here again that would give away even my location in this country. When I initially posted my first post here in 2012/3? I gave away what part of US I live in. Some dating sites have a search device where you can search specific areas of the US from other parts of the world. So I think women can maybe afford to be more prudent and careful about what is posted sometimes like not posting about inferring celebrities; your location; names etc. etc. It is dangerous. I am saying that as concern because of my bad experience. Was I stalked? Was the guy legitimate? Was I taken for a ride by an online freak? Who knows…..I think men can be afraid to post if they see allot of women posting but they shouldn’t be. Legitimate male participation is of great value. Women are intense communicators and bond that way. Sometimes we say too much. Too trusting. Men could open up more.

  • r.lauren45@yahoo.com'
    RLauren
    August 28, 2014

    The most important thing I forgot to say is 1. I do not post under my real name.
    2. Today I stopped running from my mother and father. I live 1000’s miles away from them.My father my therapist says is NPD and I strongly suspect my mother. Yesterday and Today I finally after 35 years confronted my mom and dad in writing. I said exactly how I feel. I have a Controlling mom and dad. My mother has been upping the Smear Campaigning against me for a few years I found out from family. She is Smearing me because I simply refuse to end Minimal Contact. She has my address and claims she does not. Claiming she has a belated gift for me she wants to mail. LOL Gift of hate? LOL She gave me her new address but I already know from family that she told to tell me. She is angry as angry and rageful as ever. I am at risk of losing my inheritance and it took the strength of 40 of me to tell her maturely my issues. She has been emotionally abusive all my life and has total control of my adult daughter and my extended family. She is wageing a hate campaign. I am scared to death. You cannot mess with monied people there are consequences.

    • mgaudion@optusnet.com.au'
      queeneffort
      August 29, 2014

      I can identify with your story almost to the letter. It is a very lonely life when your mother is a controlling evil woman with intelligence and money. Surrounded by willing servile family members who are well rewarded, I have been treated like an outsider all my life, and it gets worse. My mother and father have committed the most heinous crimes against me and my son and grandparents, always cloaked in another story, always undermining and devastating. I am alone, my son died last year, my daughter chooses to side with the money, and my so called family have been hostile and absent since my sons death in particular. My mother said after I told them I feel suicidal, ‘You’re always a victim”. She’s just a really bad apple,and as hard as it is to be without support, they can disappear. Too much bullshit that I don’t have elsewhere. Each has attacked me physically seeing by example this is perfectly acceptable, or as my mother stated’You must have deserved it”. What can I say? Life’s a bitch would be an understatement

    • mowalker6@gmail.com'
      Simone
      August 29, 2014

      I feel for you, your story resonates; you are not alone in having such parents. My mother turned my father against me, has written a disparaging letter about me to my husband, and in an attempt to smear me emailed all – family, friends, etc. She is obsessed with my children. A decade ago I started to refuse her rage, controlling behaviour and abuse; so she replaced me as her narcissistic source with my children. I was still in my phase of hoping things would change, and trying to keep the peace, so I went along with it. Then she threw a scene, got my father involved – and I decided it was the last straw. I attempted low contact, however she is all-or-nothing and wants things only on her own terms, so I was ignored/dismissed. She upped her campaign of rejection of me, publicly smeared me – and sent loving parcels to my children. At that point I pulled the plug. I am disinherited. It is both liberating and disheartening. Some of us must pay a high price in order to claim our lives as our own, and be treated respectfully as separate people with feelings too – and not simply as put on this earth for the emotional gratification of our (fill in the blank, mothers in my case). My mother had a very abusive childhood, and I bear her no grudge. Simply that I have come to understand the dysfunctional and unhealthy dynamics as I try my very best to offer something more to my children. I feel that people who have not lived what you are talking about – might consider me paranoid when I say that I fear that my mother would turn my children against me if given the slightest opportunity. But in reading posts such as yours I know my gut is correct. Not that she is evil, simply that she is that needy and full of pain, her inner requirements are bottomless and she is incapable of fulfilling them herself. She cannot make herself feel loved: she must get it always from the outside, at any price. Over the years her unhealed inner wounds have spewed out inappropriately and broken all our trust. I now have no contact. RLauren; you are 1000 miles away. Peace is on your horizon. I feel that staying away and granting them no more attention, having that space, won’t bring them enlightenment but it does bring us healing. Thank you Melanie, for your consistent clarity and conscientious writing.

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    August 28, 2014

    Dear Mel,
    What a beautiful article. So enlightening, as always. It literally provided a release and relief on an issue I realized I was self-avoiding while reading it! And it is not the first time this happens to me while reading your articles. Thank you so much for that.
    Here is my question, and that’s about an issue not directly addressed in your article, but somehow related, and I’m struggling with it very much: how can I release fear and the need to hold my ex accountable in the context of child support?
    At the base of my request for child support is the fear that I can’t support my kids well-enough by myself, and I am seeking to hold the ex- NARC accountable because he is the father. I’ve done the goal setting module a number of times on so many topics but here I feel so stuck… the court battle for child support has been draining me financially and emotionally, going on for years, and I don’t know if to just give up.
    Giving up in that front would mean I’d have to support two very young kids all by myself and it is scary! So, I know you don’t advise on what to do exactly (and I don’t have such expectations) but my question is more of how to do/how do I know what’s right for me…
    How to release the fear and need to hold someone financially accountable, when at the basis of child support is always financial fear and the need to hold an ex-Narc accountable?
    Lots of love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2014

      Dear Jane,

      I am glad you enjoyed the article.

      That’s great you had a profound “ah-ha”, and you are more than welcome 🙂

      Ok, to answer your question – the only solution is aligning with being a “Source to self”.

      You can’t rely the narcissist, and this is bringing up for you your survival fears, which is exactly what needs to be healed.

      I would use the Goal Setting Module, take all focus off the narcissist (he is not your Source) and set up the goal “The Source of my security and survival is Existence. I am blessed, supported and inspired to succeed financially – in all ways” and clear all the resistance to that.

      That will help enormously.

      Then your Inner Identity will be free of the fears in order to “create”.

      Mel xo

      • rozanne@rozannehenry.com'
        Rozanne
        August 28, 2014

        Thank you Mel for this answer. I’m going to write out these words and do the same goal setting. 🙂

      • margarit72@aol.com'
        Jane M.
        August 29, 2014

        Dear Mel, You are Right. It has nothing to do with him. These survival fears were always there! Thank you.

  • goli_saba@yahoo.com'
    goli
    August 29, 2014

    Mel,
    I don’t know how to say thank you.
    I am reading part by part and a voice inside my head telling: Woooow that’s true.
    So, thank you very much for this great article.
    You did,are doing,and i…..great job.
    Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.
    Thank you for the responsibility you have and you are doing the best.
    I learned alot from this article ,like the other ones and i am grateful
    Goli

    A

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 1, 2014

      Hi Goli,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased this article, and others have helped!

      Mel xo

  • hllove@live.com'
    H
    August 29, 2014

    Melanie,

    I am very close to my family, but the narc did such a good job with carefully making sure his awful rages, and overall insanity, were hidden from them. He was very, very good at wearing his happy mask in front of them, and I remember when there was a time that I too could not fathom him even being slightly angry, and it makes me feel helpless that they are in that same stage where they cannot see the sheer abuse he put me through. I can feel how crazy I sound, but sometimes I get so angry thinking my own parents don’t believe me and all of the abuse I went through from him, and so it makes me try even harder to get them to believe. I know how crazy I sound when I say “but dad, he ABUSED ME!” and my dad just has a hesitant and confused look on his face, or just says “oh…really?” sadly and then ends the discussion. I have been so shocked at my parents reactions. I feel so incredibly alone, confused, and in intense pain just thinking about it. I am ashamed to say that I also did a good job of hiding my trauma from my parents while with him. But they can see that I have been terrified of leaving the house for months, and yet they just think it’s funny or don’t seem to think anything of it.

    I am in so much pain when I keep thinking that my own parents don’t believe me or believe in my trauma. I am so incredibly hurt, and am feeling deeply betrayed all over again. I could feel them feel that I am going crazy when I tried discussing the insane scenarios I went through, and they just give me a confused look and don’t say anything or say “well…maybe he will change one day.”

    I did your first module the other day, and I felt more at ease for the rest of the day, but since then things have fallen apart and gotten worse. I don’t know why I still feel so incredibly invested in how my parents view him, but I do, despite already trying to shift the focus to me instead of him. Their hesitant glances and lack of discussion and strange short responses hurt so bad. I am ready to start healing and focusing on me, but I feel like this is the one thing holding me back right now. I cannot even begin to describe how betrayed I feel.

    I feel like I am being discarded by my own parents.

    Please help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 30, 2014

      Hi H,

      it is the weekend here, but I did want to quickly assist you with your post.

      H, you need to take ‘that anguish’ regarding your parents to Module 1 and shift that trauma/ betrayal out.

      That is the next step – absolutely. And keep doing EXACTLY that – each charge as it hits…

      Rather than ‘not’ do that – which means the downward spiral.

      It is all connected – and you will see that. I’ll write more Monday – but this is the ‘total crux’ of what you need to do.

      Mel xo

      • hllove@live.com'
        H
        September 1, 2014

        Thank you very much for your response Mel,

        I have been diligently doing Module 1 on repeat for the past few days, and I can feel myself slowly feeling better. But is it normal for painful happenings to keep occurring while starting the healing? It seems like I am having really bad luck since I’ve started(unusual silent treatment for days from my mom after petty argument – this is not like her and really triggering for me as this is one of the main things the narcissist used to do to me; painful dreams about the narcissist when I haven’t dreamt of him in a while; woke up to someone hacking my email; someone important to me also said something hurtful about me physically today, and it immediately triggered me about the new girl I was discarded for – brutally painful), so I find I keep having to work at shifting these before I can even get to the pain about the narcissist. Everyday new painful happenings keep cropping up, even though I have limited my time with everyone. I know you mentioned that when you start healing you start to create better outcomes for yourself, but is it normal to attract dark energy while trying to heal? I can feel myself releasing, healing and feeling calmer after doing the module, and yet strange, triggering and painful things keep suddenly happening. Please tell me I just need to keep fighting this dark energy that keeps cropping up every time I get better and that I’m not doing something wrong? Are these all just suddenly happening because they are all mirroring back to me what I need to heal right in this moment?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 1, 2014

          Hi H,

          you are so welcome. It is very, very usual – and exactly as it should be, because all of the pain/ fear is coming up to the surface so that it can be cleared.

          That is exactly what the healing process is. It’s about detoxifying and getting it out of your body.

          You are not doing anything wrong, in fact it is the perfect confirmation that you are getting it right.

          Just keep deeply digging into and releasing “What hurts the most now”, and even though it is heavy going now – the space and relief will come…

          I promise you.

          Mel xo

  • ejh7454@clearwire.net'
    EJ
    August 30, 2014

    Melanie,
    Once again I would like to testify to the power of your message. Your program is definitely THE most powerful and effective antidote to victim-consciousness. Thanks to you I have made wonderful changes in my life. Your current article shows me how far I’ve come, and it also inspired me to get back to work on some of the things I have been avoiding. I’m definitely trying to get better at showing up for myself so this morning I showed up for myself and did some shift work. Not four hours later I got a phone call that resolved some very painful problems that have been nagging at me for months. As soon as I showed up for me, so did the universe. As it always does. You taught me this. Thank you. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 1, 2014

      Hi EJ,

      That is so wonderful you are reaping the rewards.

      It is very true that massive internal shifts, shift “life” outside of us.

      Often instantly.

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    September 1, 2014

    Hi Mel and everyone! Firstly, this article came at the perfect time for me, as I had a profound experience recently, not just with myself, but with my family re self-avoiding.

    It is such a HUGE thing for me in my life, from how I was like before learning about Narcissism, to now. I associated with people who were/are alcoholics, drug addicts, smokers, and just people ‘including family’ who didn’t like who they were/are so always used a mask of some sort to hide their true selves. I would self avoid by being a part of it and was so lost inside that it was the only way ‘I thought’ to be accepted.

    Thankfully, I have moved forward from that life, by working on myself with healing, making huge changes from the inside out thanks to Melanie’s amazing healing programme.

    Sadly, on the other side, the people, family and friends I once shared life with, still live the same patterns of self-avoidance. This weekend was the time I saw it all with clear, open eyes and it horrified me. A lot of mask wearing, lots of lies, covert abuse, manipulation, to hide the truth, so we ‘wouldn’t notice’. I saw it all happening in front of me and it took a lot for me to just sit and ‘put up with’ for the sake of not causing a big scene. When the visitors left, I felt drained as ‘putting up with this behaviour’ is not healthy. I feel sad to see people I care about ‘acting’ this way and also felt quite frustrated that I can’t help them. Trying to fix people or even suggest some tools to help them to move out of this desperately negative life is pointless, as Melanie, you have explained. Trying to live life behind substance abuse, fancy cars, material items and other means is a toxic way to live.

    To sit and ‘put up with’ to keep the peace which is something I have been told to do my whole life is difficult now I know the truth. That I know is self-avoiding. On the other hand if I speak up, the defences come up and life becomes even more hellish.

    Melanie, what do you suggest in situations where family gatherings can be a real test for keeping composed, when all around there is this false energy and you are the only one who knows the truth of what is playing out? but decide to keep quiet and put up with it for the sake of not upsetting others. I may need to do Module 1 again and shift out the feelings of wanting and needing to help others, who don’t want to be helped. Even though nothing seems to change, with family gatherings, I see the same thing and feel the same uneasy feelings each time, and I am the only one who knows the truth of what is going on.

    Thanks Mel, love you and appreciate your time. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 1, 2014

      Hi Jac,

      I really feel for you that there is still many attachments and judgments about “how other people live their life”.

      They were visiting you don’t have to live with them, and they don’t need to be “a certain way” for you to be your vibration of truth – because they are not you.

      Everyone is doing their journey at their own pace – and in no way does that need to impact yours.

      I think there are some key wounds you haven’t released yet on this topic.

      I would use the goal setting Module “I am a Source to me, and I allow others to be themselves without judgement and with compassion”.

      And clear the resistance, and really try to get to the bottom of this.

      Not only will that take your triggers off, you will find they will be less likely to produce “What you are judging” in your presence.

      And if that doesn’t help – you need to walk away from them.

      But it should…

      Mel xo

      • jacsplat@msn.com'
        Jac
        September 1, 2014

        Thanks Mel, Exactly what I need to do. I know there is a deeply ingrained need of wanting to help people, as I feel sorry for them, watching them be so false and live life the way they do. I was there once too and it felt awful, constantly running from myself. A family member who was quite close once, although not so much now since I moved away from that life, is very detached from herself, even though she says she is happy and content. As you said, it is not my life, they are not me and their journey is their own to take.

        One person I have walked away from as she is not a healthy extension of my life.

        My mum is wonderful and I try to protect her too, as she is not aware like I am what is taking place. I have to let go of the need to protect her also.

        I need to continue to love and heal myself a lot more and then I hope others I care about will pick up on the vibration and move into a better place for their survival.

        Love and hugs x

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    September 1, 2014

    Hi again Mel, to add something I have just realised about myself (after reading more of this article) is…I have been focusing on what everyone else is doing or acting at family gatherings and in person and focusing on how ‘they’ are self avoiding, giving them my power. Whether they are or not should not be an ‘issue’ for me, it is their stuff. They are not responsible for how I am feeling, and it takes a lot to realise this, especially when one sees some very unhappy, self-avoiding, destructive actions on their part. Even though I do get blamed for their behaviour at times…’scapegoated’, it still shouldn’t effect me. This is where I need to do more work on releasing those feelings of helplessness and the need to help others ‘see’ the light and change.

    For anyone who is in a similar situation, I understand now that the focus has to be off them and onto ourselves.

    It is not happening to me, it is happening for me. 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 1, 2014

      Yes Jac,

      that is it…

      The shift I recommended will help…

      Mel xo

      • jacsplat@msn.com'
        Jac
        September 1, 2014

        Thank you, I will work with that Module today.

        The first day of spring and my inner garage is going to be spring cleaned.

        Letting go of the need to help or fix people, and protect my integrity is a huge one for me.

        An over functioning empath! We really do hand over our power and leave ourselves open to abuse.

        I hope you had a nice first day of spring Mel. It rained here all day but I am really enjoying some time inside with my kitty.
        Every day is a gift.
        xx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 1, 2014

          Gorgeous stuff Jac,

          you truly are a spiritual angel of the highest order!

          So proud of you.

          It has been freezing here today – the last few days were glorious ‘spring’ days!

          I am sure there is more coming.

          I too have been having cuddles on the couch with Tigs – my darling boy, whilst working on my laptop.

          Big hugs and love 🙂

          Mel xo

          • jacsplat@msn.com'
            Jac
            September 1, 2014

            Blissful!

            Cat’s have a presence that makes the world ok again.
            My “Mia Bella” has the face of an angel. She is so content to just sit and be with me. When the sun is absent, she is my ray of sunshine 😀

            ‘A spiritual angel of the highest order’ wow Mel no one has ever said that to me before! A lovely thing to say, thank you 🙂

            QF awaits. Mia Bella sits quietly next to me, while I do a healing session. I am sure she benefits from it too. My Bliss!

            Love Jac xo

  • tamara.harbar@gmail.com'
    Tamara
    December 30, 2015

    I have just read this article now, Melanie, and the timing couldn’t be better. Yesterday, I made a big commitment to myself, to self-partner (thanks to your radio and written blog on exactly what self-partnering is). I even when out a bought myself a lovely little ring to wear on my hand so I could see it all the time as a visible reminder that my primary relationship is with myself, that I am always here for myself, to always be connected to myself first and foremost. Thanks for the great tips on how to turn self-avoiding into self-partnering. They will be added to my daily affirmations. Love the work you do, Melanie. You have made such a difference in my life — I am more grounded, clear-headed, centred in myself and better able to understand myself and others. So grateful to have found you. So grateful this is your calling. Much love to you. <3

  • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
    JESS M
    February 23, 2016

    This is Exactly what I needed.. My very fave of all the many articles. I like the Power statements to take into Module and everday. Since the brill “Love Sunmit”..??Thank you Thank you for it…I am putting a heart on my hand each day…as Dr Mary(Self Love guru ) teaches me…with the mirror work…but it is our constant NARP Gold that is the foundation. Fantastic article to print off and keep re-reading. Thank you Mel for All. X Jess M
    & our new Moderator for directing us to this(is it Kamot’s?)from the NARP Forum & & great recent article about “Sugar Addiction” by MareG.

  • Helpprotectmyfamily@gmail.com'
    A Hope
    March 1, 2016

    Thanks for this amazing article!
    I realized how my whole life has been acting or reacting out of fear from trauma I never healed as a child. I have been living in fight or flight all my life. Never the middle of that. How exhausting!! I’m done with that. It does take work but after finally getting more grounded through various methods and coming home to myself (even though my outer circumstances are not where I want them yet fully… Baby steps ) I feel excitement and joy for my future. Thank you for being such a part of my healing Melanie.

    • Kapergee@gmail.com'
      Karen
      March 6, 2016

      A Hope,
      Yes, baby steps. I too am on my way to thriving after childhood trauma, and it wasn’t until starting this journey of up leveling almost a year ago that I truly began to understand what happened. A Hope, the seeds we are sowing through our inner work is manifesting a beautiful outer life.

  • Kapergee@gmail.com'
    Karen
    March 5, 2016

    This information truly helped me yesterday. The painful feelings of resentment and anger resurfaced. This time the triggers led me to truth instead of blame. What was I doing to contribute to these feelings? Trust me thus is HUGE. I went back to Module 6, and really worked through it realizing that I was still stuck in the drama of self-avoiding, not trusting what I feel and taking responsibility for others well-being disproportionately to my own. Thanks for this loving and informative article.
    Much Love,
    Karen

  • kathy.bastow@gmail.com'
    Kathy Black
    January 26, 2018

    Hi Melanie

    Thanks for your articles, always enlightening.

    My mum in law I think has narcissistic traits. She remembers being abandoned as a baby. Her mum was a perfectionist, as is she. I have been with my hubby for ten years now and have always felt undermined. On a holiday last year, she admired she didn’t want her son to marry me, older, with a child plus my history.

    We now have a gorgeous son through IVF . She told a friend that she doesn’t accept me or my daughter and only accepts her son and grandson. She is determined to be top dog and she will “win”

    We are moving so that hubby can keep an eye, she is nearly 80.

    I’ve told him that she’s not staying with us, and needs separate accommodation.

    How do I do minimal contact, there are some times when I need to see her, what are the coping strategies for this?

    I know I need to connect more to my inner self.

    Best wishes

    Kathy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 29, 2018

      Hi Kathy,

      it really is so about showing up as you and letting go of the trauma of her behaviour. If you have your husband’s support then you may want to tell her honestly how you feel and what you would like from her.

      If she can’t and won’t respect that, then it may be time for Modified or No Contact – because it is your and your family’s health that is vital.

      This video may also help: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-if-the-narcissist-is-a-family-member/

      Mel xo

  • janineharry1@gmail.com'
    Future Thriver
    December 7, 2018

    Hi Mel. Once again an enlightening article!

    I cannot believe that we have all literally been doing life by default, and it is really sad that we only feel the need to self-partner when we’re experiencing trauma!

    Just a comment– isnt it weird how self-avoidance strategies are deemed as ‘cool’. Its ‘cool’ to always be surrounded by people, it’s ‘cool’ to have material things, it’s ‘cool’ to wear a mask (be humourous), it’s ‘cool’ to be in relationships etc.

    Our culture is seriously not structured in ways that support self-partnering. It’s no wonder the world is running on ego and people are hurting. This is life and it’s shocking!

    🌼🌸🌹⚘ Thanks for all you do, Mel! I am finally conscious and awaken

    • martysmith@delusory.org'
      Marty Smith
      October 8, 2019

      I so agree with you!

  • Heatherbromberg@me.com'
    Peace
    June 11, 2019

    A wonderful song that captures this “wake up call” and our taking responsibility is “Shake It Out” by Florence + The Machine.

  • martysmith@delusory.org'
    Marty Smith
    October 8, 2019

    Unbeknownst to me, I did heal from the narcissistic abuse imposed upon me by a family member (s). I am healed now and did get on with my life and I am thriving. I healed the inner child myself by the wounds surfacing and me facing reality. Again, all of this was unbeknownst to me. I took my power back. I now walk and live in the truth. Since I healed my own inner wounds and walk in the truth, I feel like I have on a bullet proof vest and no one can get at me anymore not even a narcissist. I’ll spot them at a distance.

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