Melanie Tonia Evans

The Effects Of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder After Narcissistic Abuse

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 25
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Leading up to this week’s article – I had so much on…and the inspiration hadn’t struck me yet regarding what to write.

I asked the Facebook Community for their thoughts, and before long there were many responses and replies.

If you would like to join in on these discussions, you can join my Facebook page here. 

The topics requested ranged from trusting your intuition, co-dependency, boundaries, recovery, narcissists in the workplace and more.

There were also lots of people asking questions about the narcissist – why they do what they do, why they are still acting out, hoovering etc. and more.

Reading these posts, my stomach started to churn. Those old feelings I feel when I know people are struggling in powerlessness – when their energy is focused on the narcissist, and NOT their own healing and development.

I totally emphasise, I understand it, I used to be there. I know what it is like to be helpless and feel powerless, and be stuck like a deer in the headlights thinking you have to learn all about your enemy in order to survive.

I know how horrible that place is … because the issue is: when you ARE stuck in fear, pain, trauma and survival, you have no POWER to create your life.

This is, sadly, the legacy of far too many abuse victims – and it doesn’t need to be. There is far too little understood about Energetic Law, and how life really unfolds. Often people don’t start a deeper, spiritual personal journey until they have very little choice – and don’t realise that the Law of Attraction is a governing force – meaning: the more I focus on and grant energy to anything, the BIGGER it gets in my life.

Naturally, I understand (because I used to live it) the normal human model of “I am going to have my attention fully on what an abuser is doing to me!” However, I promise you, this is the number one issue regarding powerlessness and trauma.

So, after reading the Facebook messages, I had to walk away – get my focus onto something else and then after my gut stopped twisting, I could reply.

This is what I wrote …

“… If we are looking at this situation of narc abuse to put the effort and focus into healing ourselves and taking our power back, we can have power – otherwise we are simply continually handing it over to more of the same. One of the most powerful understandings we can ever have to get out of the narc abuse nightmare is this: ‘I can’t get a different result with the same behaviour.’ Being victimised and focused on the narc without taking responsibility to get the focus fully into you is the precise same behaviour that doesn’t work. I say this with much conviction as well as love.”

The truth is, many of the topics that people wanted me to write about the narcissist, I had covered before, and as a further response I posted three article links:

Mankind’s Movement to Evolve From Narcissism

The Narcissist and Co-dependent – The Two Sides Of The Same Coin

The Narcissist Is a Chameleon and an Empty Void

These particular articles may be helpful for you if you are still asking questions about the narcissist. My motivation to post these articles on my Facebook Page was to encourage people to understand the deeper healing truth – which is: Narcissists reflect back to us (through abuse) our unhealed inner wounds that we need to heal.

As a result of this truth, coupled with the Law Of Attraction – focusing on the narcissist is a sure-fire way to not do the inner journey of healing our wounds – and it is a guarantee that the trauma, abuse and devastation will continue in your life.

I hope you have understood; I am not the usual abuse blogger in any shape or form, because all of my articles and radio shows are about taking our focus off the narcissist and healing ourselves.

Because when we do this, we start to generate a “beingness” and a life that does not contain, attract or continue to play out narcissistic abuse. We create a life where the narcissist has no choice but to continue on his or her dynamic with someone else on a low vibration – someone else who can be hooked into powerlessness, fear, pain, righteousness, blame and other low vibration emotions.

The consistent pleas on my Facebook page to know more about narcissists mean I came really, really close to writing an article this week called, “Take Your Focus Off The Narcissist,” but instead I decided to focus on a topic that was requested, and one I have been thinking of writing about for a while, one which also fits precisely with feelings of being terrorized and powerless.

Hence, this article about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder today.

 

What is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

www.psychologytoday.com says this about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that may develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which severe physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or unnatural disasters, accidents, or military combat.”

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is completely consistent with narcissistic abuse, because it is a situation where so much is threatened. Our inner being is completely under siege with a narcissist; narcissists are experts at seeking out weak points and bombarding them relentlessly with heat seeking scuds. It is like living in a war zone.

However, I prefer to think of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse more like Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

This is Wikipedia has to say about C-PTSD:

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) also known as Developmental Trauma Disorder is a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma in the context of either captivity or entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim), which results in the lack or loss of control, helplessness, and deformations of identity and sense of self.”

Now we are getting closer to the truth …

The experience of narcissistic abuse is like being trapped. As the narcissist infiltrates all of your psychic, mental and emotional space, your identity gets less and less, and you become diminished – severely.

This is what “helplessness” and “deformations of identity and sense of self” are all about – absolutely.

I have personally experienced Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorder and one of its offshoots, agoraphobia, profoundly.

As a result of narcissistic abuse, I sweated, I shook, I could not walk out my front door.

Everything by association triggered me off – it could be a red t-shirt on the TV, maybe a hair style someone had, a certain car – even the specific colour of any car. It could be the way some said a “word” … the way a tree blew … you name it – EVERYTHING imaginable would trigger off a panic attack.

In fact, every day a meltdown would just come on, and sometimes I had no idea what the trigger was. There was no doubt my mind, adrenals and nervous system were scrambled into a tangled mess with no healthy ability to process anything much without it meaning “terror,” “utter devastation,” or “annihilation”.

Then there were the psychotic visions. I had repeat nightmares night after night, and in total desperation I would sit up in bed like the girl in “Nightmare On Elm Street,” terrified to sleep, with no idea how I was going to get through that night or the next day.

There were days on end that I somehow talked myself out of suiciding. Sometimes, I would enlist people to be on suicide watch when I thought I couldn’t trust myself.

Then the psychotic visions started to happen, not just while I was asleep, but when I was awake as well.

When this happened, understandably I was carted off (normal human functioning wasn’t possible) and I was told by medical professionals that my adrenal system was shot to bits. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, agoraphobia, and was told that I had experienced a complete psychotic breakdown.

I didn’t need convincing. The day it happened I remembered having an out-of-body experience, watching myself in a weird sort of calm, detached fashion thinking: “Ok so that’s what happens when your brain finally snaps.”

I was told I would need years of complete rest and strong anti-psychotics to have any hope of functioning. I was told, as a result of the level my breakdown had gone to, that I had very little hope of ever being “normal” again and I would always have to manage my C-PTSD symptoms.

Thank God I had my awakening, was determined to find true solutions, and never accepted that diagnosis as true.

So please, please, please know, if you are suffering from horrible C-PTSD effects (and if you have been narcissistically abused, there is every chance you are), my heart goes out to you HUGELY because I know trying to survive with it, cope with it and function with it is excruciating.

So … enough about that horrible stuff … I want to really tell you the truth about C-PTSD.

 

The Standard Approach to Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorders

Many people believe Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorders can only ever be managed (at best) but can’t be healed, or that healing will take many years, and many different approaches – including being reliant on outside safe relationships being available – are necessary for the patient to recover.

What this means is a safe source or safe sources will need to be consistent, and must bear the burden of a great deal of responsibility to assist someone who naturally struggles to trust, and who could lack the emotional resources to have and maintain safe relationships due to their own damage.

Of course this person could imagine slights and actions that may not be present, and react unhealthily due to their internalised victimised model and hyper-arousal to “danger.”

I do know of gorgeous individuals who have helped victims of abuse, and worn the brunt of their dysfunctions stoically. I promise you this is the exception rather than the rule. What I also know about this dynamic is often the person suffering C-PTSD is enabled to stay unwell, and definitely the relationship has limitations, struggles and can’t blossom into the joy and expansion healthy relationships have the potential to reach – for obvious reasons.

This denies both people the joy and love they could experience – regardless of whether the “carer” is a friend, lover, spouse or family member.

I promise you, I am not being heartless. I can assure you – like all of us – I would have LOVED to be rescued from my inner torment at the time. Now, today, I am so grateful that I wasn’t.

For anyone being “the safe, supportive, source” – that’s a big call – and for the victim of C-PTSD, creates an extremely precarious model of “conditional reliance.”

If we gravitate into the beliefs of “wanting to be rescued,” we usually experience not someone saving us from our wounds, but rather another abuser entering the scene (who we believe will rescue us) – delivering more of our powerlessness.

Tragically, people with Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorders generally sabotage relationships, which could be healthy, and may choose to stay in therapy for decades with therapists as the “safe person”. They can then become co-dependently attached – and still be not empowered enough to have and maintain healthy inter-dependent personal relationships.

Law of Attraction, as I mentioned previously, is an absolute Energetic Law that it has not been given nearly enough recognition in contemporary healing.

As per this absolute Law: Where you are at within yourself is exactly the level of relationships you will attach yourself to and experience.

I can remember vividly how healthy people could not bear being around me for long when I was a traumatised, victimised mess. Who could blame them? I was unbearable to be around.

Therefore, the likelihood of C-PTSD relationships is this: more relationships of abuse (attracted by the terror of it coursing through our being), or relationships with individuals and groups sharing war stories, wounds and victimisation – which is the usual abuse “recovery” model.

 

Who Is Really the Abuser?

Our world is so back-the-front and upside down. Trauma from abuse is a significant issue of great proportions; it needs solutions. Yet, our world loves to promote and foster staying stuck in the problems.

Groups form to share their war stories and pain over and over again. Rather than taking their power back by going inside themselves and doing the essential inner work to evolve the reasons why they were abused – these people stay blaming, shaming and re-living the trauma over and over again.

Misery loves company, especially when it’s cloaked in indignant righteousness. I promise you, I am not having a go at you – I understand it, because I used to be stuck in it too.

In fact, I know my own indignant righteousness – blaming him for all the problems, being totally obsessed about “him,” and not taking any personal responsibility as to “why I was a victim of abuse” – brought me finally to my knees.

Our righteous indignation about “the evil in the world” can become such a preoccupation that it becomes an addiction – often masked in the justification: “We need to talk about what happened to us repetitively for a long period of time to get it out of our system.” (A common thrust in abuse forums.)

It is total fallacy that talking about it, in this fashion, is going to produce healing. If there is no inner identity healing work (directly addressing our subconscious “abuse” programs), we only activate adrenaline and cortisol and re-traumatise ourselves into deeper and more progressive powerlessness – and we become physiologically addicted to it – horrifically.

Being stuck in blame, shame and righteousness are total recipes to produce this.

I’d like you to imagine that someone shot you once, and you then replay the scene 100 more times, complete with all of the righteous emotional fuel regarding how “evil” that person is.

Do you realise you just shot yourself 100 more times with the same bullet, at even closer range.

I promise you this truth – which I nearly had to die in order to finally accept: The most destructive of all abuse is SELF-ABUSE. You may not have realised that you need YOU – more than anyone else – to be the healthy person supplying decency, love and support.

Not the ex-narc, not your mother, not your father, not your friend and not your co-worker … but YOU.

So how do you become the healthy person in your own life?

By working determinedly on healing your own inner wounds.

You constantly thinking poisoned, painful, victimised thoughts is as deadly as any self-abuse, and it is more damaging to your psyche by far than what anyone else has ever done to you.

Here is another scary fact – your Inner Being knows no difference between your destructive thoughts towards another, or destructive thoughts towards yourself.

They all register as identical self-destruction.

It’s like continually eating poison and expecting the other person to drop dead.

The effects of this are obvious – victims are incredibly toxic to be around, unless you happen to be one yourself and enjoy feeding each other’s toxicity. This is why my gut turns now when I read victimised posts. I have healed to a level where it is poison to me …

I emphasis greatly, I feel for people, and I know what it is like to be there, but I just can’t go back to it – it’s too damaging.

I also can’t go along with it, I won’t feed it – because I know it only cements powerlessness even more. It breaks my heart every time I see someone post about their pain, and someone responds to them with “more” about how evil a narcissist is, or how bad their narcissist is.

How ON EARTH does this empower people or help them heal?

It doesn’t … and it NEVER will.

The truth is: our Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorders are caused not so much as a result of what happened to us – they are established by our stunted personal development and accompanying victimised perception of these events. And they build and intensify as a result of us being locked into the contemporary victim model and continually re-traumatising ourselves.

I promise you, I am not discounting your trauma in any shape or form – I have lived it – I know it to be real; and I am passionate about solutions because I know how many people have died from this, and I know I was a hair’s breath off that myself.

I want to help you awaken with these truths. Because that is the first step for you to start setting yourself fee.

 

Low and High Vibrations

So now, I really hope you totally understand the goal, which is: “Heal to a level where you STOP abusing and traumatising yourself.”

Narcissists are narcissists, they do what they do – and you can’t change them. But I promise you this with all of my heart  because this is the model I live, and the one that has worked for thousands of other people who I have helped heal.

This model is all about the Law of Attraction …

“When you are NO longer a vibrational match for a narcissist – when you NO longer are a low vibration of blame, shame, victimisation and powerlessness – the narcissist CANNOT operate in your life experience.”

This means it stops – even the rubbish that happens with co-parenting and custody cases. The narcissist has to take their antics elsewhere.

After I had decided to write this article about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I announced it on my Facebook page.

Many people responded, and it was clear to see the people who are still in the throes, who haven’t yet anchored into the inner work, as opposed to those who have.

One lady wrote …

“Cptsd is the devil!!! It runs my whole life as well as the lives of my nine year old twin daughters. It is HORRIBLE in every way.”

And another Facebook Member wrote this:

“My PTSD consisted of obsessive thoughts and chest pains for nearly 2 years. But it did not start to shift and heal until I started QFH to release it. Now, I have no symptoms whatsoever. It’s hard to imagine I lived my life under that much stress after how I feel now! We are not meant to live our lives in that much pain!”

 

Are Our Brains Damaged as a Result of PTSD?

Medical professionals would have us believe that we have severe damage to our brain as a result of Trauma Disorders.

It has been scientifically evidenced that PTSD creates physical changes to the hippocampus – a part of the brain involved in learning and memory, as well as in the handling of stress. Often the medial prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain that regulates our emotional response to fear and stress, is also damaged.

Because there is damage to our brains, and a dire inability to separate the past from the present, our brain can’t process information effectively without triggering our survival centres – which fills our bodies with the chemicals adrenaline and cortisol. These chemicals have dire effects over long term periods.

Yes, that is the physical condition – absolutely.

However, there is a vital component that modern medicine and psychology leave out of the picture – the fact that our bodies, systems and brains are profoundly powerful coded mechanisms geared towards wellbeing.

Our natural state (including our brain) IS wholeness and wellbeing. To allow this we just need to create an environment where this natural state can occur.

Just like our bodies WILL repair themselves masterfully when we take out the toxins that are causing an “un-natural” environment – so does our brain.

Neuron scientists, Dr Joe Dispenza and Dr Bruce Lipton, are much closer to the true model of healing. They assert that when you change the subconscious (programmed) conditions within your body (namely your emotions), then your mind will reflect that shift.

In other words, when you do the work on your Inner Being with the use of tools which can release the trauma out of your subconscious (which is coded into every cell in your body) THEN your mind will immediately shift to reflect that.

In other words, when you get a body shift your mind heals.

I certainly experienced this. With the use of energetic healing modalities focused on releasing my very young traumas (the exact unhealed wounds which caused me to be an adult abuse victim), it took me only two months to have NO Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms.

No more everyday triggers, flashbacks, melt downs, “stinking thinking,” suicidal thoughts, nightmares or panic attacks, because my inner wounds that were fuelling my symptoms just weren’t there anymore.

(Agoraphobia was a bit more persistent – I needed to develop Quanta Freedom Healing to heal that).

My healing breakthrough was in STARK contrast to where medical professionals and psychologists had taken me. Within psychology there wasn’t a method to find, let alone release this original causation wounding (all we did was talk about the abuse), and my only hope to cope was medication to tell my symptoms to “shut up” without healing them.

Please note: This was my personal experience, and I would never dissuade anyone who feels they need medication for any reason, and of course there are some wonderful therapists who do promote and create self-empowerment.

Why weren’t we taught the truth about how powerfully we can heal – if we just knew how to?

That is a topic for another article one day …

 

The Goal in Order To Heal C-PTSD

The first step is to realise healing will not come from being stuck in “what happened to me;” it can only come from an inward journey and healing release regarding “why this happened to me.”

It is so important to understand that the goal is: To stop shooting ourselves repeatedly with the same bullet.

When we have extreme trauma, it is incredibly difficult to stop doing this with the use of our “mind” or just by making a “decision”. The deal is: we are trying to beat activated roaring inner wounds, which are fuelling a horrific addiction to victimisation (peptide addiction).

We are literally addicted to traumatised thoughts – every cell in our body is screaming for higher doses of the trauma laced chemical peptides our brain is creating and distributing –just as destructively as a heroin addict is addicted to heroin.

To even want to put the focus into healing ourselves – we have to be prepared to look at our Life at an Energetic Level. We need to acknowledge the Law of Attraction.

Or human fear is that if we take our focus off the narcissist, and put it fully into healing ourselves, then we will be unarmed, defenceless and totally vulnerable.

I know it’s counter-intuitive initially to let this go – however – it’s essential, because this illusion is not the truth.

The truth is: The more you focus on the narcissist by trying to defend, trying to arm yourself, and trying to survive, the MORE you are feeding the narcissist to continue attacking you; and attack they do.

In my situation it wasn’t until I stopped defending, fearing, obsessing, trying to force accountability, trying to defend my name, and trying to stay one step ahead of him trying to rip apart my life and business – that I LET GO and put 100% focus into myself – and it ALL stopped.

What had been taking place for several years all came abruptly to an end.

Absolutely, I still suffered horrendous losses on many levels; however, the stalking ended, the threats ended, the contact ended, and the smear campaigns all fell over, and he was exposed.

And even better, my health and life started to turn around very quickly, because the “good stuff” now had the space in my body to start showing up in my life.

PURELY because I changed my vibration from the survival (low) levels of fear, pain, blame and victimisation to a higher level of self-devotion and enough self-love to work hard at releasing my emotional wounds out of my body in order to get well.

I was no longer a vibration for him to continue abusing, or to continue receiving more low vibration realities in my life.

This is the truth for all of us … and I see and receive the evidence of identical healing breakthroughs within this community every day.

My greatest realisation I had, when I had the awakening after my psychotic breakdown, was this: “The narcissist came into my life for the very purpose of granting me the knowledge of what I needed to heal. It wasn’t even about him – it was really about me.”

After that understanding, I refused medication, talked my way out of being institutionalised, and within months had overcome nervous system disorders that were deemed a medical impossibility to heal.

All because I heard, accepted and acted on the truth.

What is necessary to get out of Traumatic Disorders is to accept the truth – stop making it about the narcissist and you being a victim, and take your power back by realising what your soul is urging you to do – heal and evolve.

This is about choosing to come out of the slumber and awaken to the truth.

This means stopping participating in fuelling victimisation, because all this does is FEED narcissists. It is the energy that allows them to exist and keep doing what they do. Truly, like all childish, powerless bullies who work on inciting others to get attention when you no longer get hooked and stop handing over power, the narcissist runs out of fuel.

In no way does this mean don’t have boundaries, including authorities if necessary – rather it means release the wounds inside you causing you to be terrorised, triggered and feel powerless, incensed, devastated, brutalised etc. … so that you can operate from solid, emotional detachment in your power.

I promise you – wait and see just how powerless a narcissist becomes when you get to that level.

It’s about STOPPING focus on “their” sickness, and healing your own.

 

The Tools to Heal C-PTSD

Cognitive therapy does not go in deep enough – point blank. A great talk therapist may help support you and manage PTSD, but can’t help you heal it.

To heal C-PTSD you need tools that will get into your subconscious and find and release the original causation healing for you.

Naturally, I am going to recommend my Healing Program NARP (The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program) which contains Quanta Freedom Healing, which is the tool I developed to do this. (You can find out more about NARP and Quanta freedom Healing by joining in my next Webinar this week). 

Additionally these tools are also definitely looking in the right direction … Kinesiology, EFT (Tapping), Body Code work (any healing modality which communicates directly with your subconscious)… then as supplements, Yoga, Qi Gong, massage, holistic chiropractors, flower essences, etc.

The absolute truth is this: Any emotional, mental and even physical dis-ease is ALL related to trapped painful emotions (traumas) in your subconscious stopping you from living, being and generating your natural coded well-being.

Many people on Facebook wrote messages wanting to know, “Is this PTSD?” “What does (these details) mean?” etc. It’s vital to understand it all means the same thing – the agonies, fear, pain, betrayals, anguish, powerlessness and torment are all inside you  and they can be released.

In other words, anything and everything that goes into your cellular subconscious to find and release toxic dense emotions is beneficial, and you can work with more than one tool simultaneously.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program trains and directs you how to do this as a daily tool specific to recovering from narcissistic abuse; and other energy healer practitioners, who are skilled, can help you do that as well.

Then, now that you are detoxifying yourself and raising your vibration to a higher one, be VERY fussy about what people and recovery groups you get involved in.

Are these Groups led by people who are Thriving or still victimised?

Are the message about powerlessness, blame and shame – or solutions, healing and empowerment?

Do you feel hope and upliftment when you are involved in these groups or are you charged up and venting?

Maintaining a high-vibration is exactly the reason why my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program Members Community Forum is a private closed Group – operating under the assistance of Thrivers and a firm Code Of Conduct.

The love, assistance and solutions is incredible in the Group – powerless victimisation is not allowed in the Group.

I hope this has given you a lot of food for thought regarding Traumatic Disorders, and lots of hope.

Most of all, I hope it has started awakening you to the truth, so that you don’t have to continue down the path of suffering.

I know that if I can heal from where I went – you can to.

Many people already have.

If you feel PASSIONATE about doing what you can to help heal victimisation in our world – PLEASE share this article widely, WHEREVER it is needed.

I look forward to your comments and questions.

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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113 Thoughts on The Effects Of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder After Narcissistic Abuse
  • Lizdavis5@yahoo.com'
    Elizabeth
    August 21, 2014

    What made me believe in your system was a statement I read on your website that hit me so hard I couldn’t ignore it. You wrote, 90% of my time should be spent on healing myself and 10% on learning about narcissism. At that time I was doing the exact opposite. I started working very hard on my healing that day and I no longer look back. Why should I? All the good stuff is happening right now and if I look anywhere, I look forward! Thank you so much!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Elizabeth,

      That is so wonderful that anchored in for you!

      So true – all the good stuff comes from the development of ourselves and moving forward.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

      • katrinamummery@yahoo.co.uk'
        Katrina
        October 24, 2016

        Thank you so much. Wow that’s all so powerful. I sit here, shaking, going hit and cold, in the throes of a narc divorce with stuff hitting the fan constantly and I’ve got cptsd for sure. I’ve been reading about NPD for months, trying to get my head around it and I think constantly looking for validation it’s not me! This comment from Elizabeth is a brilliant lightbulb moment for me. Stop reading about narcissism and start learning about self love and protecting myself.

        As of right now I’m flipping that 90/10% on its head. Please do give me any tips that might help shift my focus. Thank you all so much and Melanie, you are an amazing woman doing amazing work. Thank you, I’d like to do the same one day, XXX

    • hooty304@yahoo.com'
      Don
      May 15, 2016

      I think what has been said here is true – no doubts about that. I do think that in the beginning when you are not quite sure what is happening, but you are trying to figure it out while feeling caught in a web of crazy making, one does need to look at the problem in the relationship and how it manifests. Then as part of this difficult journey, one does need to emerge and heal after one has discovered they are not crazy as the NP would have you believe. There are numerous roads to take and unique and individual paths out of the ‘slough of despond’ to healing and loss of victim-hood. No two paths will be carbon copies of each other, but they may contain similar elements tho at different times and segments in the journey. Best wishes to all from one who has been there.

  • janbjoerklund@yahoo.se'
    Father of two
    August 21, 2014

    Ever run into slander clubs? A little group of psychopaths/narcissists? Add a bucket of paranoia. Then you have a mental picture of the horror that I discovered after 12 years of marriage and we at last had children. People, who keep up a nice facade to the outside world, but – when crisis comes – start pointing out scapegoats and villains, use the confidence they enjoy to plant lies about others, in order to divide and rule. Now add that they don’t even shy back at risking other people’s lives – literally – through their slander. Such was the real personality of my wife, and such was her little group.

    Oh, and all those wise psychologists and friends knew so well what is right: ”Get out and don’t look back!” There was just one minor problem: two wonderful little children, one of them still a suckling. Does a father leave his children in a sinking boat or a burning house? Are childen like little bricks that you can leave in the warehouse for a couple of years and then pick up as if nothing had happened?

    My conclusion was that if I left those little ones with their mother – especially considering her cameleon-like personality – they were to be changed beyond recognition; the polarization of an early divorce would create a divide that could harm the children forever.. I therefore started a programme of inoculation: doing my best to fill them with love, cover them with kisses and caresses, read prayers with them, make sure that they keep good company.

    Well, they turned out the most loving and considerate children you can imagine. They can distinguish between right and wrong. The cost was horrible, though. I’ve lost everything in the process – all those material accomplishments that people tend to cherish. But I managed to keep my wife from killing her imagined enemies through her slander. Right now, I’m looking into the feasibility of having ex-wife and ex-inlaw jailed for embezzlement (not so easy, although there is material evidence). I’m looking into a slander case (also not easy, as the victims won’t press charges).

    You talk PTSD – oh yes, indeed: when people you loved and trusted actually turn out to be a kind of kleptomaniacs, who use the confidence they enjoy in order to pinch things and nick their honour and self-esteem, and you have to keep a low profile to avoid traumatizing the children with the gigantic scandals that this behaviour merits – yes, it’s certainly possible to talk about PTSD.

    And the rest of the world: do they understand anything? No, bl**dy nothing.

    • janbjoerklund@yahoo.se'
      Father of two
      August 21, 2014

      Well, I think it could be appropriate to add a few words about your advice.

      Five years ago, when faced with the gradual insight that my then wife had used my confidence to plant horrible lies about another couple, I did much the thing you recommend. I started to translate spiritual books of high caliber. That activity became my escape route when my wife spread lies that could have caused the death of my friends, when I stopped inviting other friends to my house, for fear that she might try to harm them as well.

      I recognize your approach as a most pure and valid cure, and I’ve often noticed how your mails arrive very much at the right moment. But living side by side with someone, who is attached to a little band that uses other people as instruments, in order to further evil designs, still isn’t easy, even if you concentrate all your thoughts on higher matters. I still literally shudder to the bottom of my soul whenever I think of these matters.

      Was I surprised to find out that – already before the birth of my youngest daughter – wife and in-law had asked me for a sum of money to conclude a family deal, but that – which I only found out seven years later – the requested amount was eight times larger than what was really needed?

      This is not a matter of revenge or anger, but I sincerely believe that my ex-wife is a jailbird, who has not yet been put away where she belongs. That is my conclusion from the spiritual teachings I’ve worked with. Evil actions create a disequilibrium that needs to be corrected.

      • marilyn.lundrigan@hotmail.co.uk'
        Marilyn Lundrigan
        September 26, 2014

        i agree with everything you have spoken about,living in the same home is very traumatising

    • fleatingmeeting@gmail.com'
      S. Smith
      December 30, 2017

      What a wonderful man! I’m truly moved by the love you demonstrated for your children and what you were willing to sacrifice in order to save them from things more traumatizing coming from a narcissistic mother. I can’t imagine. God bless you! I understand what it is like keeping a low profile while the other parent does things horribly difficult to have to accept and do nothing about in order to spare one’s child further traumatization.
      My daughter was brainwashed and told lies repeatedly about me and through repetition believes them to be true still today. It’s been very difficult to undue the damage her father did to her emotionally and mentally as he was intent on making my daughter dislike me forever, above all other impressions he may have left with her, and to have to gentily have her see he is still lying terribly and the cruelty of it without saying so overtly, letting her discover it slowly herself. It breaks my heart I wasn’t able to be with her to raise her, he was. I was always imagining sending her hugs and kisses and positive affirmations throughout her whole childhood, every day, very often throughout the day, from a distance, believing that physical distance didn’t matter. When she graduated high school and started college I stopped doing that, sending hugs and kisses from afar. I will try again to do that as she is a mess at 23 years old, addicted to drugs, alcohol, accumulating DUIs, very lost and confused, very rude to her mom and making it hard for me to keep trying to reach her when she is incredibly disrespectful. She did graduate college though and it wasn’t easy financially. Although she doesn’t seem to acknowledge the difficulty it was to finance her on my end, I don’t want acknowledgement any more, I want her to get well or, at least, alot better at being well. I will try to heal myself first from years of horrible trauma at the hands of a few narcissists and I will work very hard at it and not allow myself to focus on the victimization or the narcissists any more, they are completely gone now, finally. I know I will heal quickly. I won’t focus on what we both went through unless she asks, but will demonstrate getting well and not being bothered anymore by people harming me, having a focus on being well and living right. I will lead the way and this blog has really been a significant aid. Thank you all.

  • cburncallander@gmail.com'
    Charlotte
    August 22, 2014

    The think about PTSD is that it’s trauma on such a deep level that most therapy doesn’t help. Mine has been extreme through my recovery from severe pain and trauma….what has helped has been EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique, which shifts the emotion somehow through tapping the meridians and reprogramming the subconscious pain routes which replay over and over again and keep you locked into the trauma.

    It’s extremely debilitating being triggered by any number of things, as Mel says, from a word, a song, a smell, a memory, a street. It feels like you will never be the same again and your brain can’t process life healthily anymore. You’re trapped in some perpetual past and you can’t enjoy the present or look forward to the future.

    My EFT therapist explained that this is because severe trauma doesn’t get processed by the brain, and doesn’t go into long-term memory. It stays in short-term memory, which is why your trauma feels like yesterday and not x number of years ago.

    EFT and tapping has been the thing to help me with this, coupled with lots of inner work, rigorous honesty and owning of my wounds, and a narcissist-free life. I’m looking forward to loving again, but you really have to fall in love with yourself again, and forgive yourself for the choices you made which were borne out of deep deep patterns going on from childhood.

    Please all know that PTSD is clear-able, but it’s through energy therapies. In my experience purely talking therapies make it worse.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Charlotte,

      that is so true – severe trauma cannot be cleared from the brain – it resides in the body…and absolutely it is clear-able!

      Talk therapies re-activate wounds trying to manage them by trying to get logical resolution, which isn’t possible. We cant process emotional wounding ‘logically’.

      Even the statement “I think devastation”, allows us to understand how disconnected that it!

      So true!

      Mel xo

      • KARENVANDERWERKEN@GMAIL.COM'
        karen vanderwerken
        September 30, 2015

        i have come through of all this.after my husband die i able to stand up for myself.but,no contact with my family has been most of my cure.at first i thought it was curse i never would get rid of.lately it has been people who from my past that were church people.which shocked me.now that i let them all go.i decided today that i can go back to any church right now.it breaks my heart but,i need peace in my life right i have chronic pain.and i do not need this stress.karen

  • k_murals@telus.net'
    Kim Schellenberg
    August 22, 2014

    Thank you Melanie,

    As usual, your blog shows up just at the right time.

    I am wondering about C-PTSD and ADHD. I have both & have read how childhood neglect can affect the prefrontal cortex & leave ‘ADHD type symptoms’. I would really like to know if the two experts you mentioned have done any work in this area? Is there hope of working my way out of this, or is repetitive damage over a lifetime capable of occurring after a certain point?

    BTW: Thanks to your help I am healing, just knowing that I am not a crazy loser who somehow keeps messing up…in actuality, the rules keep changing so that there is an excuse to attack. Not anymore: I have kept this person at arm’s length for a year. He still refuses to accept or deal with his attacks: but that is his problem, not mine. Although there are plenty of family members who want it to be my problem, play nice, don’t rock the boat, etc. Guess what folks: There is a ‘job’ opening! If you figure he needs a scapegoat, the ‘job’ is Alllll Yourssss! 😉

    Blessings,
    Kim

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Kim,

      I really do believe that any dysfunction is related to trapped painful emotions in the body.

      Because our natural organic state is not dysfunction…

      Many people who have been narc abused have ADHD symptoms, they are over-functioning, over-triggered, and obsessive / compulsive.

      Its all to do with traumas.

      You are so welcome Kim, I am glad I can help. Are you working with NARP Kim to take it deeper to find and release those wounds?

      Mel xo

      • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
        stephen
        September 19, 2014

        I agree with you and thanks. I was exhibiting ADHD like behavior and being blamed for it too. I never realized that it was the narc abuse that led to ADHD. Wow, now I see it clearly. Thanks, that’s a real eye opener.

  • cburncallander@gmail.com'
    Charlotte
    August 22, 2014

    Father of two, as hard as it is to let go of the wounds and the pain that they cause, you have to in order to heal. Or else you’re stuck at this level of experience and you won’t grow from it. I know this sounds harsh, but the moment I start going into what he ‘did’ to me and my life, I go down the rabbit hole and the wound-speak offers nothing but anger, resentment, blame, victimisation, hurt, injustice. On the other side is a total freedom from all of it, and a massive growth spurt of the self, an evolution of the soul, the metamorphosis, the phoenix rising from the ashes. The chance to know and experience real kindness, respect, love, acceptance. Because the truth is that anyone who is or was with a narcissist is/was unable to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Otherwise a “relationship” with a pathological person would be intolerable. No healthy person would put up with it, that’s what you have to realise, let alone gravitate to it like a moth to a flame and cling on to it. The healthiest thing I’ve done is to own how wounded I was to have been in that relationship in the first place, and there’s no way the feeling of it would feel right for now; it would feel horrible.

    Narcissism is a personality disorder. A very serious one where they can’t learn or grow or change, or take responsibility for themselves and their behaviour. I’ve had experience with a few people in my life who have this personality disorder and they don’t change – not from 40 to old age – in fact they become darker, more embittered, more toxic, and lose everything at the end. Their worlds become as tiny as them, as how they truly feel inside, which is a teeny tiny nothing person.

    So the abandonment, betrayal, rejection, life stealing, soul stealing, ego emulsifying that they do – they are all favours to us to push us to HEAL, GROW and EVOLVE from wounded limping soldiers to beautiful healthy butterflies.

    Often people tell me I’ve been through hell. But I feel hell is their life, not mine. Pain isn’t hell; it’s pain and it brings you to your knees and can kill you, yes. But for me hell is being the same at sixty as you were at thirty, which is what the narcissist is. They do not, CANNOT change. What a waste of all the gifts of learning that there are in life. The way I see it is they are almighty catalysts for other souls’ learning, while refusing to do any learning of their own.

    It’s vital that we don’t ‘stick’ at that level and instead choose to learn and grow from our time with them. Otherwise that hellish existence becomes ours too, and by choice. By CHOICE…

    • janbjoerklund@yahoo.se'
      Father of two
      August 22, 2014

      Oh, it’s been intolerable for seven years. But I’ve never accepted it. What I’m trying to say is that for me it’s about
      1) the spiritual health of my children – and, yes, they are not like their mother and her circle;
      2) my little ones’ right to grow up in a sane environment; and thus
      3) custody.

      Yes, I have suffered and severely limited myself, but I have never been co-dependent in the deeper sense, because I’ve never accepted this environment. My feeling rather has been that my ex-wife turned our home and our family into a septic tank, where I’m forced to swim around and keep my darlings’ heads above the surface.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 22, 2014

        Hi Father Of Two,

        co-dependency is about ‘non-acceptance’ – I cant be ‘whole’ until I change something outside of me.

        My question to you is” What happens to your emotional state and life if you can’t bring her to justice?

        What then…

        Mel xo

        • janbjoerklund@yahoo.se'
          Father of two
          August 23, 2014

          At heart, this is about love – a father’s love of his children and his efforts to keep them clear of the psychological cesspool that unexpectedly opened up in the middle of his livingroom. Think of the film ”Alien”, where suddenly a monster breaks out from the belly of your best friend.

          My wife, her relatives and her friends – so obviously belonging to the best of people, standing up for things like loyalty, friendship, solidarity – cracked open one by one, revealing scapegoating, extreme judgmentalism, elaborated mechanisms for stealing each other’s energy, blackmail, threats, extreme ”us and them” attitudes. In short, I had married into a narcissistic/psychopathic paranoid sect (it took years to arrive at that label).

          In-laws started to engage in name-calling and slander. I was declared useless both as a man, a husband, a human being and as a father. And they are mindreaders: so confident in their own lofty motives, they of course know that I act out of the basest of motives. I looked at them, thinking how they most of all resembled skewed mirrors at a fun fair – but without the fun. The abuse they heaped on me: that’s some book! In response, I first declared that father-in-law was no longer welcome. Some years later, mother-in-law got the same message. And the amazing thing is that almost none of this is visible on the outside.

          PTSD or not – that’s an academic question. But trauma, stress, psychosomatic and other illnesses, feeling thrown out in unchartered territory, like following a street map for London, suddenly finding oneself in the Kalahari Desert, trying to cope with venomous snakes equipped with an umbrella and a credit card – that’s disorder for sure. In the middle of this mess I had the strength to set priority No. 1: I haven’t lived all these years on earth in order to allow my children to become a new generation of such disturbed people. I decided to connect so strongly to my children that I would counterbalance this madness, at the same time monitoring very carefully how my wife related to them. Being a cameleon, she actually responds favourably to such pressure. She has developed into a very good mother – imagine: a good, responsible and caring narcissistic mother!!! And – another amazing thing – the children are kept out of the conflicts: nobody tries to rally them on his/her side! And yet another miracle: although of course she tries to demonstrate my uselessness as a father, she hasn’t questioned my love for them for many years.

          But many insights took years to arrive at: my wife’s shameless lying, for example. She does it so well that it took me five years to finally estabish beyond any doubt that – with the sincerest look – she’s able to tell any fairytale. The ruthlessness – the kind you only meet in absurd novels and horror films –
          is beyond imagination. But those are not everyday approaches. They are tools lying in the toolbox ready for use when needed.

          Then we have the defiance of ordinary rules of behaviour, like cleanliness, orderliness. It’s better now –
          I bypass her and work directly with the children. Disregard of rules and laws is another part – theft from employers, serious slander, fraud – not like an everyday phenomenon, but on occasion. And she is so good at manipulating friends, social services, lawyers – poor little victim! And she can be so sympathetic and make such a responsible impression. But can she face hard facts on paper? Don’t think so.

          So, to cut a long story short, I don’t care a bit about her going to jail or not. I want to do a complete housecleaning in order to ensure that my children henceforth will live in a crime-free environment. Their mother will get a choice: either I get custody (with very generous rights for her to be with the children, as they actually love her) and she pays back what she has embezzled from me, or I will build a series of criminal cases against her, not caring whether any of that will fall back on me. Some of those cases will concern her circle – and they will just hate being exposed (actually, that’s a real understatement ) The main goal, though, is to prepare a decent and tidy future for my little loved ones. I don’t want them to live in the kind of graveyard their mother creates. I want a happy home for them: full of love, friends and energy – maybe there is a life for us somewhere round the corner!

          And actually there is life already. Two years ago, I was getting ready to leave. I just realized I couldn’t leave my children. I had no idea there could be so much real life between father and children. And there is real love between mother and children. That’s why I don’t wish to be too harsh against her – because my children love her. If only I never ever had to see her again.

          • carolynfolds@yahoo.com'
            Carolyn Folds
            May 26, 2015

            Why don’t actually tell the truth your letter says it all, you don’t care about her at all and you don’t care what that will do to your children over time.

            Your main goal is revenge. Totally.

        • janetsvallance@gmail.com'
          Jae
          December 22, 2017

          Melania, It is too bad you are doing this “Law of Attractions” stuff. This can so easily turn into victim blaming. Something we have had enough of frankly. You are born, some of us are loved, some not, some suffer a lot, some not. But we all age and die, not based on what we “attract” but based on fate, self preservation techniques, some luck and often genetics. You have a lot of good things to say. Wish you would keep the BS out of it…

  • theonedewey@hotmail.com'
    Clarie
    August 22, 2014

    Great Article Melanie! Much needed because there is a lot of victimization out there and people have such a hard time distinguishing between healthy behavior and victimization. Victimization is not healthy behavior but it’s hard to hear that message in the buzz of everything that passes for communication these days.
    Yes, you can be and likely are victims. But, it doesn’t have to be who you are. It doesn’t have to be the way you live your life. That lesson you taught me Melanie and I am ever so grateful. Instead of living like a victim, boo-hooing and looking for validation from all sources I could find it, I used QFH to heal that and I now validate myself, which is so much more powerful than anyone else’s validation (including certified health professionals). when I did this it enabled me to take my power back, to rely on myself and have confidence in that reliance. I don’t “need” anyone else, which is great! What happens is that you end up with people in your life who don’t “need” you but they want to be in your company. That becomes reciprocal. That is a real basis for a relationship, not need.
    That saying give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for life, is very applicable here. If we know how to take care of ourselves instead of relying on anybody that happens by in our lives for help, then we are less likely to invite an abuser in. We are less likely to attract an abuser because we are self reliant and strong. Abusers are attracted to weakness. Any weakness, whether we are aware of it or not. I thought I was strong. I thought I was self reliant, but I had porous boundaries that told an abuser I was ripe for picking. And pick he did.
    It really is all about how we view the situation. If we think of ourselves as important enough to care for ourselves the best way possible, then we see abusers for what they are. Trying to get a lot from giving little. It’s obvious. If we are so mired down in the problems of relationships and dramas, not taking care of our responsibilities, always requesting help from others, well then, you can’t see them coming because you are inviting them in. You will be surrounded by them because they can’t resist what you offer. Free lunch! It’s not free though, it’s on you.
    Thanks again Melanie, it’s a wonderful thing you are doing. 🙂 xoxoxox

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Claire,

      thank you for your post – it is so true empowerment is not about creating dependencies, it about empowering people to be a true Source to themselves.

      I love your expression about ‘free lunch’, and it is so true – if we are looking outside for ourselves, we will always be ripe for the picking and munching on.

      Mel xo

    • Jennifer.Wilson.16@us.af.mil'
      Jennifer
      March 28, 2018

      What is QFH and how do I find out more about it?

  • my_bba@yahoo.com'
    Helene
    August 22, 2014

    so so true. i have to take responsibiity for my part in the craziness. like how could it happen in tbe 1st placce??
    cuz im dysfunctional. i didnt deserve it but i was ripe for the pickin.
    working on getting distasteful to a spath/npd/bpd watever!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Helene,

      Yes, there is very big difference between ‘deserving it’ (blame) and ‘responsibility’ (self-power).

      Mel xo

  • tplovie@gmail.com'
    Tiffany
    August 22, 2014

    Melanie,

    You are absolutely right about healing and shifting the focus from the narcissist to healing YOU. I am sharing the details of my healing here for other survivors.

    I originally ordered NARP in 2013 after I became suicidal. I ordered NARP because I felt I had nothing to lose. It would either help or it wouldn’t. If it didn’t, I could always kill myself then. I had absolutely no will to live and was detached from even feeling feelings about my own death. This was a last stop resort, because I felt I owed it to myself to try everything.

    I really did not expect it to work.

    The same day that I had my first healing, I was not only able to sleep and stop crying (something I had not been able to do for two weeks beforehand), but I was also able to leave my house ane have dinner with a friend (I had not been able to do this and enjoy it for YEARS).

    I am sad to say that I did slip up and return to my narcissist after he promised to change. He was ‘finally’ giving me everything I dreamed of wanting… Only to be left with a sinking feeling that it wasn’t real. The short time I spent doing NARP HAD changed my vibrations and I could no longer see him for anything ither than what he is… A cold, reptilian monster that had once been human.

    It was as clear as day that he had suffered the EXACT same wounds that I had as a child, and that he had just chosen to repress to the point of depletion his inner self. Conversely, I had morphed myself into a people-pleasing, shape-shifting shadow of the person I genuinely was. I hated myself for this, further wounding myself even more… I was ripe for the picking when I met him.

    After Narp, none if his tricks worked anymore, but I still had to hit rock bottom. I had to make the choice to firmly shut that door and say NO MORE to abuse. I eventually hit rock bottom after a very dramatic ending.

    I was RELIEVED it was over, that I had proof of what a monster he is, and yet I felt pity for him. I knew I would heal, but that he couod not.

    I also ended all other relationships with ither toxic people in my life. I worked NARP with earnest, and after much healing, am finally beginning to start the Self-Empowerment course.

    In the 5 months of NC (I honestly do not even think of it as no contact anymore, but a way of life. No toxic people are allowed in my life, and he is toxic), my entire life has changed.

    I have lost 40lbs and am in the best shape I have ever been in as an adult. I have shifted my business to a platform that suits me and feeds my soul. I am more financially secure than I ever dreamed possible. And I am dating again. All things I never dreamed possible!

    I am hardly recognizable anymore. Yesterday, two gym-mates who I see 3x’s a week approached me and said that they had had no idea I was the same person for the last two months!!

    NARP truly works miracles, as does Melanie.

    I have good days and bad days, but like a cloud passing overhead, all negativity passes. I also go back and reutilize NARP when I am in pain to further clear away any trauma.

    I used to hate the narcissist, now I realize he was exsctly what I needed to wake-up and come home to myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Tiffany,

      That is wonderful NARP was able to help you so much.

      I am thrilled BEYOND measure when NARP saves lives, thank goodness it saved yours.

      Bless, hugs and so much love – I adore that you got to the True Side.

      Mel xo

      • Pamelah721@gmail.com'
        Pamela H
        August 25, 2014

        Congratulations Tiffany! What a beautiful story you are living now. Thank you so much for writing that all out. I hope it inspires people to confidence in starting their healing. I’ve been working NARP with great results too and I had so many moments of doubt before the ” other side ” became more real than the pain.

  • julieisloved@gmail.com'
    Julie
    August 22, 2014

    One thing that has kept me going is Tony Robbins saying, “I want to live my life, not my story”. The “last time” I had an interaction with this narcissist, it was so, so bad. I left in haste with him calling after me that he wished me dead. Ironic considering what he had just told me which was worse than having him wish me dead! I found that I literally could not think about what he had told me. At the first glimpse of any thought about it, I would turn my attention to ANYTHING else. “Oh, look at the candle, or I need to clean the kitchen.” Literally, anything else. This wasn’t a strategy, I just really couldn’t bear to think about it. It helped me get distance… to a place several months later where I could think about it without feeling so traumatized.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Julie,

      I agree with this to a point…yet I feel one of the biggest problems with the Personal Development wave is – the NOT going to and releasing trauma.

      The biggest issue with that is then there is ‘management’ of inner wounds necessary, and trying to function outside of huge unconscious drivers that are very powerful.

      In my opinion, freeing oneself effectively from the inner wounds is so much more liberating, because then there just aren’t wounds to manage anymore.

      By doing so we also unlock aspects of ourselves that were previously tied up in trying to exist with these wounds.

      And that space allows profound evolution, growth and awareness past our previous limited self – organically – without the struggles.

      Mel xo

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        August 24, 2014

        Oh Heavens, Melanie, you are so right!
        Julie, please do the NARP that Melanie teaches; you will be free of the inner wounds once and for all!

    • jonathangino@gmail.com'
      jgf
      May 28, 2015

      i like the tactic you used, and, i wanted to share mine i try to use, if i can. i just say PIZZA and think about that instead. i love PIZZA. its universal, and almost the only thing i always love. its my word which is just good, means nothing but good feelings to me, and it doesnt matter if its irrelivent ,,,, because, if you get my gist,,,thats the point….. because we find it so hard to be indifferent at those PHYCHOS, and NOT RESPECT a person or thing and what it said, because WE ARE NORMAL, LOVING, creatures…. and theyre phychos, which is why we might think about what was said…. or …. , hey,…… just cover it up with PIZZA.

      and as a side note to anyone reading …. yeah we got to rise above …. it will take time … like a journey of hundreds of days …. we cant quite get there RIGHT NOW, no matter how hard we go, today. GO??!! but, what are we doing as we GO??? We are reading books by great authors of self help, we are studying NLP to help retrain our traumatized bodies, we are learning more about narcissists and their traits(many times mostly just for our own self confidence/follow intuition boost, because we usually intuitively know a phycho, by now) , we are seeking out inspirational books and programs, seminars, and people and places. also, autobiographies can be great to help inspire us, because theyre jam packed with awesome wisdom. WE ARE TRYING TO GET “AHEAD OF”, and, “ON TOP” OF “THE WAVE”<——which is "LIFE". Einstein said "life is like riding a bicycle", whereas, you must keep pedaling, and you must maintain momentum to keep moving forward and not fall over, be overrun, aka: become a easy target for people with bloodsucking intention. Nor can we continue living(riding the 2 wheeled bicycle), unless we continue to put in the effort…. and yeah, it can get easier and easier…. we eat our vitamins, ginko bilobo , coconut oil, and probiotics, and, so forth…. we keep gaining momentum,,,,, until one day, WE CATCH THE WAVE. From there, inspiration can begin to once again provide all the fuel we need to keep moving forward(like before the phycho came along). BUT WE MIGHT HAVE TO FORCE OURSELVES TO READ, UNTIL THEN. Then, one day, our thousand day journey shows progress, because We start getting our self esteem back, we begin to trust ourselves again, all because of knowledge and devotion towards learning, smart health(VITAL), and our arrival a general NEED for living at an "increased frequency" ….. we begin to find ourselves HABiTUALIZED to learning, growing, believing in ourselves because we see the evidence of our studies around us, and our momentum gains high enough that we can pull away from would be narcs and phychos,,, yes, YOU WILL ARRIVE IN NORMaLVille ONE DAY,,,, but ,its a journey of a thousand days…. and the best thing ive found is seeking what will truly inspire me…. a run i probably dont want to take when i start, seeking out a book, cleaning up and living in the best environment i could, being careful about what i eat and what it does to me, going exercising instead of watching tv or other somewhat wasteful activities…. and, YES, you will catch the wave, YOU WILL PULL AHEAD.

      good luck, and remember, the greatest does the most he could to SERVE what is GOOD. people who tear others down is some modern, cancerlike, foolish stuff…. ITS FOR "the weak". haha, we are all the same creatures, its so very sad how some people have to get their "feeling of importance" and other things you will learn about from Anthony Robbins' "6 human needs" and the many other programs you will discover, by always, consistently, "seeking Inspiration!!!"

      PIZZA!! PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA!!! PIZZAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

  • karencdowning@hotmail.com'
    karen
    August 22, 2014

    Hey Melanie, I have really been enjoying reading your articles through Facebook. You have given such vital information and so many useful insights that I am so grateful I was directed to your page. I have lived with Complex PTSD for many years. I have tried many medication combinations and various forms of talking therapy…and like you, I do feel that many of the therapies do not go deep enough, or even attempt to fully understand the nature/origins of the trauma. Its a horrible diagnosis and the symptoms are difficult to manage and live with not only for me, but also for my family and friends…that said I feel my experience of CPTSD has been and continues to be a gift! I know that sounds strange and I would not wish my experiences or the symptoms on anyone else however, it continues to offer me teaching when I need it most. I believe CPTSD is an adaptive response, it lets me know when things aren’t right because I will start to become symptomatic, my anxiety increases, my nightmares increase and I have physical body responses which alert me that I am in danger. Often, my judgement of people can be impaired, I will put up with behvaviours many others would run a mile from and even though deep down, I know when a person is behaving in narcissistic ways, I tend to ignore my instincts and rational mind and give them the benefit of the doubt. I truly want to believe that people are inherently good. However, my ptsd is never fooled! and sure enough, I will start to experience an increase in symptoms which leaves me in no doubt. I have recently been able to leave a situation, in a relatively short period of time, without it causing me the level of damage I have experienced in the past. After the event, I have found out that I had been right about the person through confirmation from others, this has happened both in my personal and professional life. I am not suggesting my experiences of CPTSD are the same as anyone elses and when I have been truly unwell and receiving psychiatric services, I certainly didnt view it as a gift. That said I really wanted to offer a different perspective.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Karen,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased you have been enjoying my articles.

      Karen, I’d really like you to understand this..

      We have the ability ORGANICALLY without our woundedness to have profound insight wisdom ,and knowing.

      We don’t need trauma symptoms to help us!

      Additionally the trapped painful motions in our bodies are magnets to attract more of that trauma.

      Such is the system of life – the inner wound attracts ‘more of that wound, all to bring the ‘message’ there is something in me generating this that I can release and be free of.

      THEN we become highly whole and functional and more SAFE than we ever have been.

      I hope this makes sense.

      Mel xo

      • karencdowning@hotmail.com'
        karen
        August 23, 2014

        Hey Melanie, thank you so much for your reply and yes what you say makes perfect sense!

        Unfortunately for me, I had my first psychotic break at 11 years old due to multiple traumatic events, I was medicated from the age of fifteen and had in hospital after taking an overdose at seventeen,in the midst of an extremely violent relationship with a Narc and having been locked in the house and beaten for three days. You are so right, the wounded parts of me have continued to attract more of the same trauma for more than 25 years.

        I dont think I explained myself very well in my first comment, I am so aware of my part in my experiences…not as a child but certainly as a wounded adult. I do own those aspects of my wounded self, which continue to replay the same scenarios over and over again. However, I am a work in progress too 🙂 I have worked so very hard on myself, in loads of different ways and I know I still have much work to do.

        But I also know that for a long time I was struggling and fighting with the PTSD and now I have learned to dance with it. Unfortunately due to my early childhood experiences, the damage was done before I had developed a strong sense of myself, the profound insight, wisdom and knowing which you so rightly speak of. I dont need trauma symptoms to help me, but they are there and they do help me to recognise when something is very wrong. I look forward to the day when I am symptom free and functioning as I should be. No one wishes to be safe more than me. Karen x

        • richtamms@yahoo.com'
          Kay
          August 24, 2014

          Hello Karen,
          Please do the NARP program; it is most helpful! You can also do Falun Gong, the highest form of Qi Gong there is. Also, please remember you are here for a unique purpose that only you can do… each of us is here to contribute in a wonderful fashion to the amazing fabric of life here in this time and space. You CAN develop yourself to your highest potential; no matter what your chronological age.

          • karencdowning@hotmail.com'
            karen
            August 24, 2014

            Kay thank you so much for your lovely words, really beautifully said. As soon as I have enough money I will love to do the programme, I’ve heard such great things from the lady who directed me to Melanie’s work. Bless you for your kindness

  • accounts@sensortemp.com.au'
    Annie
    August 22, 2014

    I have suffered the effects of PTSD going back to from a young child at the age of 5.
    I didn’t even know I had it until adult hood, because I had locked down so many emotions into the subconscious purely to survive.
    This occurred due to being sexually abused by my brother and constantly living in fear of my life as he threatened to kill me, plus continually beat me as a threat to keep my mouth shut. I went to my mother for help. She would not protect me and instead condoned my brother beating me as a threat to silence me. I soon learnt not defending myself was a better option in this environment.
    I was constantly on alert for danger and in fear of my life and this became my normal. So my subconscious chose to lock down that pain and found solace in being numb. I lost the ability to assert myself and then loss the ability to be alert to danger. So then entered up to 12 more vicious narcs into my nonexistent boundary function in the years to come.
    As an adult, when starting to recover, I regained the ability to be alert to danger. Unfortunately it was stuck on permanent overdrive compounded by vial threats and retaliation from now 2 narc brothers and the narc mother. I could not turn it off no matter what I did. I couldn’t sleep. I was able to assert myself but it was an extremely painful process leading to more stress. I would overanalyse situations to death before taking action and would miss opportunities that could have prevented my pain.
    I was melting and there was barely anything left of me. Then out of the blue I was divinely guided towards Mel’s work. At that stage I only knew a snippet about narcissism. If I hadn’t stumbled across Mel’s web site, I know I wouldn’t have survived – literally.
    Fast forwarding to today, one of the best healings I did for myself in relation to PTSD was in the goal setting module.
    My goal was: to be at peace, but calmly and confidently assertive, supported by life/source if ever in a situation that affected my well being.
    This dissolved my permanent “on” switch of fear and alertness and regained my confidence to be assertive at only the poignant point in time, without avoiding or overanalysing. My feeling of living life regained as the numbness dissolved.
    After numerous extremely helpful and positive healings, this was the one that finally got to my PTDS. But without the other NARP healings prior, this step wouldn’t have had the effect it finally did.
    All of this is the result from being able to heal from unthinkable childhood, sexual, physical and emotional abuse from 3 family narcissists,plus the other 12 narcs that followed. They have gone now. I continue to celebrate.
    I am no special isolated example, so if I can do it, anyone can.
    Love & peace

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      H Annie,

      I love what you have achieved by working NARP and healing you…

      Your story is amazing and you deserve every bit of liberation, freedom and joy that you have expanded into.

      It is sooo true, no matter what we have been through, we CAN heal.

      Thank you for sharing!

      Mel xo

  • rmfirefly777@gmail.com'
    RLauren
    August 22, 2014

    I would have to agree. I did years and years of ‘talk therapy’ with different therapists; ‘couples therapy’ ‘Domestic Violence’ women’s groups; etc. I did Medication. I did Therapy where sound is used in beeps to reprogram the mind. I did 12 step groups for years. I found Louise Hay/ Wayne Dyer and the Secret. Then College to study Holistic Health. Talk Therapy was helpful in that I untangled bits of the mess but I also created a mess in that a Therapist can only respond to the patients perspective and if the patients perspective is ‘off’ then the thrust of therapy goes in the wrong direction. The medication I threw away when my IQ plummeted from 120 to 89 literally while being on it as discovered by testing. Domestic Violence Women’s groups were really about victimization and reasserting victimization. I found no real women friends there. They were catty jealous/childish and Miserable. They were Victims. Since the age of 15 when I decided to get therapy to 46 yrs old. (my age now) I have been growing in leaps in bounds in healing. Because even though not anything I tried really being the Miracle Cure it all had bits and pieces that helped. I found despite practicing Louise Hay and the Secret and all I learned elsewhere there were deep undercurrents of trauma and drama replaying out in my life. Hence the Subconcious inner wounds that cannot be healed by logic.I swore I would never allow myself to be hit again. For decades it did not.In 2010 I was bit 9x by a boyfriend. I was ordered by the police and hospital to therapy. I then learned by that therapist a parent of mine was a narcissist. Hence I found your NARP program in 2012 and started the work and then had to put it down. It was too painful. I did my work on other areas of my life and still too painful to move forward. I got stuck in traumatic memories and trying to clear them via visualization. I found a therapist that works in Yoga and clearing trauma. Going over the trauma over and over in it’s detail then releasing it after feeling the entirety. The missing link was I needed a person physically there to be with me and guide me up and out of the trauma’s one by one. I can do NARP now slowly and lightly in tandem with therapy. It was too hard before. I found this NARP via googling narcissism one night. I was learning about what a therapist was telling me what my parents disorder was. I have spent years as a massage therapist and Reiki worker. Since starting this trauma clearing work I am no longer doing energy work on people at all. I literally opened a Pandora’s Box of pain stuffed in under years of Right Action and disposing of the trauma aka Not feeling it. Now that I am feeling it there is hope. I have a client that works for the UN she has written a reference to my employer that I am top #3 in the world. She has seen for massage therapy therapists everywhere. I clear 70 to 80 percent of her pain. I believe I am able to be a good massage therapist because suffering and the healing from it causes Empathy and Compassion. Pain is in the mind. The Pain Loop. So I think my therapy I am in now and NARP are the missing piece to the puzzle after 31 years of looking. I am glad I never gave up and kept searching. At 15 I knew there was something wrong and sought help. Unfortunately my father followed and got therapy by the lead therapist in the group of therapists I was seeing. He never thought of therapy before that to resolve family issues. I see now it was a form of stalking. Not respecting my boundaries and laying blame on me and my mother. Thankyou. Be well.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Rlauren,

      that is wonderful that you feel that you have found your keys.

      Most definitely for people who require support on NARP – anything and anyone else as a supplement is a great idea. There are people working NARP who also do kinesiology – as an example.

      Some people also do one-on-one sessions with me. Others simply need some guidance and pinpoint suggestions in the NARP Forum to break through – there is always, always a way – always…

      Lots of hugs and continued healing – and congratulations to you for being so brave and taking a stand for yourself.

      Mel xo

  • natasha.mcclain@gmail.com'
    Natasha M
    August 22, 2014

    I think the word: “responsibility” is counterproductive.

    Just like using the word “forgiveness” often backfires.

    Forgiveness SOUNDS like being magnanimous, empathetic/sympathetic and being the bigger/better person who absolves the perpetrator of an unacceptable behavior (i.e., pardons a crime or commutes a sentence).

    But it also conveys a willingness to allow the unacceptable behavior to continue, happen again or be “forgotten” without consequence.

    Forgiveness appears to be equal to taking and ACCEPTING the abusive behavior.

    Responsibility SOUNDS like taking full accountability for an issue or problem in our life in order to be constructive and solve it, but it also conveys a blaming, either against us by society at large, by the narcissist themselves or by us.

    Responsibility appears to be equal to taking and accepting the BLAME for abusive behavior.

    I think we need to use new words here.

    Instead of ‘forgiveness’ I propose we use the word ‘detachment’.

    This is where the victim of abuse or of a crime (or any egregious behavior) moves away and beyond the perpetrator, the judgment, the consequences and even the aftermath.

    It’s a way to say, “I accept that this occurred, however I did nothing vindictive or evil on my part. I may have been too open, naive, gullible, insecure, unprotected, trusting or otherwise lacked proper boundaries.

    Whether or not this person is guilty 100% or only partially is not my concern. I do not have to condone or allow this behavior. I only need to assess what I can do to process it, prevent it in the future, and move on. I hereby detach from this episode.”

    Instead of saying “responsibility” I propose we use the word ‘awareness’.

    It’s a better way to say, “I accept that how I feel, think, act, speak and react to the people in my world colors my experience of the world. While I may not be willingly or consciously hurting others, I pledge to be aware of what I feel, think, do, say and how I react to others and to life in order to be the best person I can be.

    I am aware of my power, capability and creativity and choose to channel it to care for my self and those worth spending time with. I turn away from who/what is not productive, and focus my awareness where there is light, possibility, hope, strength and love.”

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Natasha,

      I hear what you are saying – and I would like to take this conversation deeper.

      First of all I feel that the English language is incredibly limited, and we sometimes just don’t have the right words to choose from.

      If we are applying to self, (where our true power is) then responsibility is an empowering word “I am responsible for self”…meaning “I am NO longer responsible for that person’s dysfunctions”, and “I am NO longer going to hold that person responsible for my life.” (which is the seat of enormous powerlessness and sustained abuse).

      …In that context that is not blaming or shaming in any way.

      We are simply taking the power back to where it is necessary- inside our own bodies.

      Maybe a word which meant “I am the generator of my own experience, and everyone else is the generator of their experience” would be better…

      I don’t think ‘awareness’ covers it – unless the awareness is specifically about that truth I just wrote above.

      In regard to forgiveness…I agree 100% that true detachment is so much more powerful than what traditional forgiveness is about.

      Yet, I mean TRUE detachment, not just “I don’t think about it, I forgot about it and I’m OVER that!”. (When people say that you KNOW they are not!)

      The reason being, true detachment had within it the gift of up-levelling – the evolution into: Thank you for showing me what I needed to heal so that I could evolve and expand myself”.

      Then any previous person has NO power over you when you have freed yourself to that higher level. That higher level is the ONLY way we have TRUE detachment – when we feel somatic evolutionary gratitude.

      The other detachment is trying to numb out to the trauma by ignoring it – but it still exists deep inside and seeps up through the cracks.

      It is, definitely, much more preferably than staying ‘attached’ – but there is a much higher, joyous and expansive level possible.

      And the evolutionary opportunity was missed.

      Mel xo

    • cburncallander@gmail.com'
      Charlotte
      August 22, 2014

      http://www.hypnocenter.com/articles/a-message-on-forgiveness2

      Caroline Myss writes extensively on the power of forgiveness and what that truly means. It has nothing to do with condoning the behaviour or the abuser, and everything to do with freeing the self from the shackles of the past, and all the anger, regret, injustice, shame, blame that will end up making us ill in the end if we don’t find a way through them.

      • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
        Lucy
        August 23, 2014

        I never could swallow that “power of forgiveness” line. It didn’t feel right nor relevant to me. I came to the view (it’s Christian, I think) that we are obliged to forgive those who repent, and that those who don’t will go on to create their own hell regardless.

        I just didn’t feel it was my task to forgive. My task was to learn some way of managing my own anger and desire. That was the deep insight I got from knowing the narcissist. In terms of anger, I learnt that you can never Punish another without Diminishing yourself, and I needed to find a better way – in my case, it was about asserting myself more often, more effectively.

        For years and years, I’ve plugged away quietly at this; releasing my anger when it arises, channelling it away from the urge to mull or to punish and, instead, toward gently asserting my own needs and feelings. Guess what, it works. Eventually, I had a divine experience which I won’t describe here, but I think of it as my ‘heaven’s reward’ moment. In that moment, I felt immense gratitude for my life, and a particular gratitude for that hard passage through life with the narcissist.

        In other words, forgivenesss found me – not vice versa.
        Forgiveness was MY reward – not his, or anyone else’s.
        It absolutely went hand in hand with gratitude.

        And it’s not a goal. Forgiveness is the by-product of our taking care of business from our side of life (or ‘taking responsibility’ if you like!).

        • richtamms@yahoo.com'
          Kay
          August 24, 2014

          Hey there, everyone,
          While we are on the subject of words and language, Thank you all! Melanie, you are so right; the English language is rather limited. In light of this, I desire to point out the deficiencies of the word “gratitude”. I do not like using that word; it connotes and attitude of obsequiousness and groveling. I prefer the term, “Thankfulness”. We can be and feel Thankful for something without the negative aspects of “gratefulness” and/or “gratitude” and the feelings of “Oh, he/she/it has allowed me to live” sort of an attitude. “Gratitude” and “gratefulness” indicate that someone/something else has power over you.

          • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
            Lucy
            August 24, 2014

            Interesting.
            To me, the element of humility within the word, gratitude, is what makes it appropriate (and I’m thinking of gratitude toward life/god/universe/whatever, not toward a person or event).

            I had to find a degree of humility in order to break the bond with the narcissist. As we all know, we can’t break that bond until we Accept that we can no more control him than control Life itself.

            However, each to their own. Words are flimsy, and people define things different ways.

            Likewise, my disagreement with Charlotte, above, rests on definitions. I disagree with the link she points to that my Acceptance was an act of forgiveness. It was, again, an act of humility.

            I felt I had reached a state of forgiveness, later, when I felt the state of Serenity. But that took a long time and a lot of practice.

            And I wanted to post on this because I feel the way a lot of self-help people scream, “You SHOULD forgive – strive to do so – or you’ll end up bitter and alone” is really, really counter-productive. It made no sense to me, and it made me miserable.

            We must Accept, yes. But, if we are sincere, forgiveness will reach out to us, not vice versa.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            August 25, 2014

            Hi Lucy,

            to me ‘forgiveness’ was all about releasing all of the trauma out of my body – with Energetic Healing methods (Quanta Freedom Healing) simply because it was excruciating to have embodied abuse.

            Then – and only then for me – a profound knowing emanated about the purpose of it. The ‘why’ this had happened … not ‘to’ me – but ‘FOR’ me..

            And a wonderful joy, freedom and expansion ensued.

            Mel xo

        • natasha.mcclain@gmail.com'
          Natasha M.
          October 28, 2014

          Please elaborate on your moment, if you don’t mind. This is the sort of enlightenment and guidance I believe we are all seeking.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 25, 2014

        Hi Charlotte,

        I love this statement that Carolyn wrote..

        “It (forgiveness) is the act of retrieving your spirit from your history with the intention of opening to grace and direction for today and tomorrow.”

        Thank you for sharing:)

        Mel so

    • bmwstbill@yahoo.com'
      Bill shockley
      August 26, 2014

      Thanks Natasha,
      Very perceptive.
      Detatchment and awareness.

      Right on!

      bill

  • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
    Patti
    August 22, 2014

    I’ve been a year and a half narc-free. In the beginning in the aftermath, I experienced severe C-PTSD and was suicidal. It was a living hell. The triggers were so debilitating I actually thought moving to a different town was the only way to find relief. Thank God I found you website and went through the NARC program (several times), and as a result, the usual triggers simply don’t bring about a “charge” any more. No more obsessing or cognitive dissonance. I remember you saying that at some point you came to a place where you had “neutral” feelings about your ex-narc. I didn’t believe that I could ever get to that place, but it has become true for me, too. I consider it an absolute miracle that I have gone from where I was to where I am now. I am free. I’m convinced that going to our subconscious is the only way to heal. Thank you, Melanie for your life saving work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Patti,

      I am so pleased you got out of the nightmare…

      It is so true that when you feel ‘nothing at all’ you know you have released the wounds out of your body.

      Then we have the space for all of the GREAT stuff!

      Yay – THAT is freedom!!

      Bless you Patti, and you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • natasha.mcclain@gmail.com'
    Natasha M
    August 22, 2014

    I’ve written before that I think we need a step by step plan that can help us, because the reason we get stuck in the “identification/review/rumination” phase of narcissistic abuse is because we need to identiy where we are at, be validated, and then process it fully in order to be ABLE to move on.

    It’s one thing to state that recovery has to be on “focusing on ourselves” but quite another to bypass, minimize or overlook the importance of all the steps leading up to it. We need to give each step adequate time, resources, clarity and acceptance prior to moving towards the next one.

    OK – so here is my amateur observation about the stages, or steps, starting even BEFORE the most devastating narcissistic abuse began:

    1) Abuse as children/young adults by other narcissists in our lives (parents, siblings, other relatives, friends, neighbors, religious leaders, teachers, etc.) This sets the stage.

    2) Modeling from caregivers that lacked effective boundary-setting, leading to vulnerability. Often the “non-narc” parent is the one that creates the most havoc in our lives, as we attempt to identify with them while they can only offer inadequate tools and are unfortunately stuck themselves, even after leaving a narcissist.

    3) The adoption of inadquate coping mechanisms, leading to self-sabotage and other obstacles.

    4) Continued unawareness when interacting with narcissists, energy vampires, the mentally disordered and other manipulative types throughout our adulthood. Usually leading into lots of drama, confusion and failure.

    5) A constant litany of issues regarding relationships where we keep wondering “What’s wrong here?” and “Why do they do these things?” and “Why do I feel this way, act/react this way and seem to never know how to manage conflict well?” Insecurity abounds.

    6a) Being ensnared (enmeshed or dating/living with/marrying or working with or focused on) a major narcissist. We are ripe for the picking, even if we are seemingly “together” at the time.

    Some narcissist will use pick up artist techniques, neurolinguistic programming, hypnosis and other manipulative strategies (like playing the lost or hurt boy) to charm you.

    This is the lovebombing phase if it’s a romantic relationship or the “hopeful” phase of a friendship, work situation or family connection.

    This thread of positive behavior continues throughout even the most abusive relationship in the form of “apologies”, gift-giving, vainglorious attempts at sweeping problems under the rug, endearing behaviors, childishness/neediness, declarations of undying love, enticing plans for the future, glimpses of the sweet person we think exists underneath, etc….

    6b) Slowly being pulled into the nefarious sticky dark web of a narcissist with devaluation, tantrums, threats (sublte and overt), cognitive dissonance (saying they love us while treating us in unloving ways), disrespect, control, manipulation, etc. This drains our self-worth, damages our self-confidence and begins to physically affect us (stress, tension, vigilance, frustration, anger, sadness,etc.)

    6c) Being severely abused by narcissist(s) to the point of extreme frustration. This can include serious emotional/mental and even physical abuse, along with crazymaking behaviors like the silent treatment or strange expressions of the desire for control. This leads to taking on most or all of the blame (exacerbated by the narcissist’s constant projections and outward blaming).

    7) Attempting to cope/manage using all available strategies: turning to friends and family for feedback and advice, self-help, spirituality/religion, therapy, “positive thinking”/mindfullness, new age concepts, working on our selves (physical activity, health, organizing our spaces, attempting to find better work, focusing on hobbies, etc.)

    7b) Then turning to destructive coping mechanisms, bad habits and addictions, including: medication/drugs, alcohol, cutting, ruminating/obsessing, hysterical outbursts, eating disorders, extreme and risky behaviors, etc.

    8) Wearing out our support network with seemingly non-sensical, often hysterical, paranoid or delusional stories about the bizarre antics and behaviors of the narcissist in our lives which don’t mesh with the outward, crafted image the narcissist shows to the public.

    9) Increasing tension in the situation that erupts into explosive fights, emotional meltdowns and breakups/makeups. Often triggered by dealbreaking behaviors such as: serious physical injury, destruction of belongings, risky behavior, serious threats, criminal activity, cheating, financial abuse, secrets and lies. At this point the adrenal system is often affected severely and the victim begins to “lose herself.”

    10) Desperate attempts at keeping things under control, hidden from the public, overcoming the intolerable reality and salvaging the relationship (or the dream of what was once promised and longed for).

    This involves subjugation of the self, where the non-narcisissist apologizes even when not to blame, or turns the other cheek in a religious manner, or finds enough fault and blame within themselves to continue thinking they are the cause or that they can change themeselves enough to heal, manage and prevent the awful ongoing destructive dynamic.

    11) Hopefully at this point (or long before) there is a confrontation with reality where the truth about the narcissist comes to light. Now, the non-narc discovers the description of a narcissist (detached, non-empathetic, cruel, silent, abusive, selfish, manipulative, secretive, controlling, etc.) He or she must review the many lists of characteristics, or symptoms. They have trouble reconciling the wonderful person they once knew with the terrible person they’ve come to know.

    This stage is helped along with clear and useful information, a validating support network, a qualified therapist and the spark of desire to live a better life (for those who are nearly depleted, the realization that the narcissist is who he/she is, and that they will very likely never change is incredibly difficult to process; the more and longer a person has been damaged by narcissistic behavior, the longer this phase may take).

    12) A flurry of both research and response ensues. Mistakes are made, such as confronting the narcissist directly (which only makes them evade and blame further, or provokes them into frightening behavior). Often a person will turn to the “wrong” people to discuss the issue, such as the narcissist’s friends, colleagues or family members (who often don’t “see” the behaviors as they are mostly hidden, and instead may turn on the messenger).
    Or, an inadquate therapist will mislead the person into thinking he/she needs to work around the narcissist. Sometimes a well-meaning family member or pastor will urge “loving understanding” and “patience and humility” – this actually only fuels the abuse of the narcissist, as it gives them free rein and keeps the victim in a cycle of apology.

    12a) The devalution phase escalates. Really, the devaluation began before the relationship even started, but once a narcissist sees that “the jig is up” and their partner is seeing their weaknesses and is recognizing the abusive behaviors, they tend to stop caring for the victim, and will even say so. This quickly moves into discard and a breakup.

    13) A break up often happens at this point, depending on the strength of either party. A “strong” narcissist will move on to new supply, while a “weak” narcissist will attempt to hold onto the current supply. A “strong” victim will move on, while a “weakened” victim will be paralyzed and seem unable to move on. One or both parties will succumb to the effects of this destructive and deteriorating relationship. Sometimes outside forces move the separation along, such as the law, famliy or friends or economic factors.

    14a) No matter who instigates the breakup, the victim of narcissism tends to be the one going through serious emotional upheaval afterwards, while the narcissist moves on to a new situation with little if any remorse, often fashioning a new lifestyle, look and even job for themselves. The old life is shed, along with the victim. The narcissist will ignore the victim if they find new supply. Or, they will torment the victim until they do. This can vascillate depending on waves of anger and situational logistics.

    14b) In other words, if you have to interact, this can continue up and down for some time (outbursts of anger or harassment, then apologies and pleas for reconciliation and then the silent treatment).
    Coping with a divorce, property settlement or most unfortunately child custody, prolongs this phase well beyond the months or years it may take to divorce. It’s a manic dance, as any declaration or demand from the victim brings a harsh rebuke and extreme response from the narcissist, including the much-feared and incredibly overwhelming “smear campaign”.

    14c) The smear campaign may be one of the worst and hardest phases to endure during a breakup with the narcissist, although it can also go on during the relationship and long after it is over. This is where the narcissist attempts to blame you for the destruction of the relationship, often exagerrating and lying in the process. They paint YOU as the aggressor, and may even turn to the law, calling the police on you or framing you for crimes.

    14d) They can take anything you’ve said or done out of context and share personal information they drew out of you during the lovebombing phase against you. Family members and loyal friends will fall prey to their charismatic pleas and bids for support. You may be defined as being “crazy” or otherwise having mental issues. They will leave out their provoking and abusive behaviors, naturally.

    Many lawyers, court officials and judges (as well as parent evaluators, guardian ad litems – child advocates and “expert” witnesses such as psychologists) have little understanding or experience with a narcissist, and will buy into their well-honed, usually smooth and professional image. You as the victim may very well be in poor health or in a terrible mental and/or physical state, making their arguments about you seem more likely.

    14e) The narcissist will probably treat the divorce or break up as a war to be won, with no ground rules. They will lie in court (there is no perjury in family court cases). They will lie by omission. They will conflate and distort events, making you seem to be the guilty party. They will enlist the help of those they turned against you. This ramps up anxiety and fear like nothing else, especially if you have children at stake, much less your financial and future security.

    14f) This phase is hard to manage since a fast divorce or breakup is not always prudent or under your control. No contact is impossible as you are led through mediation, lawyers, court hearings, paperwork to be filled out jointly, parental duties and child scheduling, dividing property, dealing with finances, settlement (hopefully) or god forbid a court case. This can take years, with more financial strain and less and less support, as resources and patience dwindle.

    15) At any point throughout this arc of destruction, a victim may be led to or become aware of the concept of self-care. This can help them cope through the process much more productively.

    However, it depends on the process they are going through. If the breakup or divorce is active and highly contenious, or if the narcissist is a close family member, current colleague or boss, then you as the victim are living in the midst of all this, and it just keeps going in circles.

    15a) If the victim is able to establish no contact (NC) or minimal contact, and find lots of helpful, supportive resources (support groups – like Melanie’s online, or IRL, loyal friends and family, community programs, domestic violence organizations – as applicable, a lawyer or three and they have the funds, then the process to refocus on the self is far more likely to happen sooner rather than later.

    15b) However, if there are multiple issues, such as a lack of a viable income, safe place to live or relevant counseling, then the victim will have a far harder time working on themselves. It’s a bit like Maslow’s hierarchy. You need reliable food, shelter and safety first.

    15c) And then you need to mourn and grieve properly for the loss of your potential mate/friend as well as the death of the dreams you held together and apart for the future. You also have to reconcile the decisions with how they will affect your children and your circle, even as they need to live their lives. As an empathetic being you do feel for them, especially the kids. The grieving process is different for everyone, and does not necessarily follow the linear phases of “acceptance, denial, etc.” This can take a while and may come up for years..

    16) Which leads us to thriving. The only way out of the abyss is to process through the relationship and breakup (including the crucial grieving process) and then detach from the behaviors of the narcissist in order to look within.

    One must go back in history to step one (1) and recognize the origins of victimhood. Healing yourself from the inside out using NARP and other modalities can free you of being pulled into the orbit of this major narcissist in your life – or any others you may come across.

    16b) More importantly, you can now channel all your energies on rediscovering and evolving your true and best self. Rather than ruminating and retelling the stories of what the narc “did to you” and mourning the losses, you can spend your time fashioning a new life for yourself. It’s the only way, otherwise you will fixate on the what/how/when/where/why re: the narcissist and his/her new supply and you will continue grieving indefinitely.

    A great way to look at the entire experience is to first look at what you thought you had, then what you lost vs. what you’ve gained and finally what is now possible for you.

    To sum up:
    Basically, it’s hard to skip any of these phases or steps, even if they happen out of order or overlap.

    In order to fully transform from feeling like a helpless victim who’se been battered emotionally or worse into the thriving, empowered and wiser person you hope to become, you have to honor your soul’s need to understand what happened and why. It’s just impossible to stick a bandaid on it or deny the weight of the experience. It will keep nagging at you until you fully reconcile it in your mind.

    Finally accepting that yes, nearly everyone is damaged, and yes, you probably have a lot to fix within, yet the narcissist is disorderd and actually UNABLE to look within and move beyond their destructive nature. They are stuck there, but you are not. You can feel sorry for them, but do not let that pull you back in. The best thing you can do for yourself, your children, your circle…and even the narcissist you are detaching from…is to overcome your past tendency to get wrapped up in others (especially toxic others) and instead become your best self, doing what you always dreamed of, enjoying life, surrounded by high quality people.

    Getting stuck in that “why” phase is what keeps us from moving forward. So, be sure to get through it with an eye towards what lies beyond. Melanie Tonia Evans leads the way…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Natasha,

      what you have done here is look at it from the logical perspective of our woundedness.

      The truth is healing does not have to be that complicated, and THEN is TOTALLY progressive and effective.

      This is how it works…We feel in our bodies what hurts, go inside shift out and bring in the Super-conscious replacement – and then one-by-one-by-one (our body is guiding us) we release everything that is meant to be released, and organically we start shifting and coming back into True Self state which already KNOWS – does not have to ‘learn’- how to be solid, and ‘be’ wellbeing in life.

      It knows how to attract the “I need to read this” inspiration, the right message, the right cue, the right support, the life-lines, the right legal personnel, when we effort to become in harmony with our True Self without our wounds.

      We are far more naturally capable and solid than we know when we are struggling with trying to unravel our subconscious wounding intellectually. And we have an INCREDIBLE connection to everything we need, and every solution, IF we get ourselves OUT of the way – which means releasing our obsessive fears, blocks and traumas.

      We are not our logical mind – our True mind is the Infinite Mind, a connection to ALL knowledge, truth and wellbeing.

      The other path is a long, convoluted, difficult path. It is so much easier to tune into our bodies, go inside and work with the incredible power, knowledge and capabilities that our subconscious and super conscious have.

      Every step you have talked about – your body reveals and grants you – if you listen and work with it – in EXACTLY the right order for the most powerful and best for YOUR highest progression.

      All you need to do is listen to “What hurts now”,and observe deeply “what triggers you in life”, go in and claim it and shift it – that’s the TOTAL simple, powerful formula – to not only OPEN UP our emotional freedom, but to allow us to connect with, attract and receive everything that is going to grant us our highest flourishing and nourishing.

      We can’t ‘nut that out’…because we couldn’t even DREAM of the power, possibilities and the mechanics that our Higher Self partnering with Life has access to..

      The people that breakthrough with NARP into incredible freedom are the people who ‘do’ life and healing at that level I am talking about – REGARDLESS of how dire their circumstances were.

      That’s the path – our Inner Being, Soul and Infinite Mind are at the helm – not us, all we have to do is LISTEN and respond.

      Mel xo

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        August 24, 2014

        Natasha, Melanie,
        Thank you both for wonderful posts!
        These two posts really sum up everything!

    • sarahgandkevinb@att.net'
      Sarah
      August 26, 2014

      Great post! It is complicated stuff and you have summarized vital stages in this sad cycle. Thankfully, NARP healing is a lot less complicated.

      All the learning and logical analysis is good, so we can know what we were dealing with and how to avoid them in the future, but I agree, you have to be at a point where you are willing to heal yourself and accept a shift out of this mindset in order to recover.

    • tynski@hotmail.com'
      Sarah Fox
      May 15, 2019

      Natasha, I know this post is old. May I say to you GOD BLESS YOU. Even if you never read it, I swear I am sending it out to you girl. Coz you are intelligent. Only an intelligent person could ever break it down like that. You gotta be at the top of your game, whatever you do.
      I was soooo….lucky. Narc was dramatically removed from my life (while I was desperately in love with the wolf while he showed me zero respect or love). So I was lucky. I missed the crazy last steps you describe so well. Anyway narc is gone. I exclude anyone who makes me feel bad. I cannot analyse well like others. I just stay the F away from them. Bless you Melanie. Bless you Natasha.

  • bswanson27@yahoo.com'
    Bill Swanson
    August 22, 2014

    Many thanks for your article! I have had some good experiences and some bad lately. It has dawn on me, thanks to your input, that once you start experiencing a better uplifting mood, it feels mighty strange. For me, it seem like a mighty strong force comes from the spiritual world and attacks me hard to take that feeling away. That force is relentless!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2014

      Hi Bill,

      Many of us struggled with that relentless force..

      I would never have survived that force without discovering what I did.

      Have you thought about coming into one of my Webinars to find a better way without the struggle?

      Mel xo

  • cathylong5@gmail.com'
    Cathy
    August 23, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this timely post. I have been reading a lot of information on narcissism. It has been completely enthralling to read how all the N behaviours have shown up in my relationship. But these articles can be so addictive. The feelings they bring on are like a hit of victim peptides. It feels good in the moment to realize I have been a victim of something horrible. But it also keeps me focused on the narc and spinning in circles instead of healing. I avoid these articles now. I don’t read posts that describe in detail the unfortunate ordeals of other people suffering from the abuse of an N. It is not because I don’t empathize with them but because it activates these victim peptides within me. I have a lot of work to do via NARP to put the focus back on me, to take responsibility for my life and to feel empowered instead of victimized.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2014

      Hi Cathy,

      you have expressed this very succinctly.

      When our orientation becomes “getting trauma out of our bodies to free ourselves”, the last thing we want to do is keep feeding it and adding to it.

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • livebysuprise@gmail.com'
    Liv
    August 23, 2014

    This article resonated with me. Six years out I still have nightmares about being trapped in my marriage. Suffocating. It wasn’t until I received counselling for a car accident that I realized that I suffered from PTSD related to my marriage to a narcissist. Thank you for speaking out about this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2014

      Hi Liv,

      you are so welcome, and I hope this has helped you understand more about C-PTSD.

      Mel xo

  • richtamms@yahoo.com'
    Kay
    August 24, 2014

    Hey there Liv,
    Yes, sometimes it takes something that seems unrelated to get us to realize what has been going on for some time. Highly suggest you do Melanie’s NARP and also do some things like Hatha Yoga, Falun Gong, and even though this may sound odd, get some Reflexology massage; there are nerve points on your feet and hands that resonate with areas in the brain. Make sure your diet is good, with lots of Organic (non-GMO) fruits and vegetables; take good vitamins; basically, really start caring for your body in a positive way. When you can, get out in Nature on pretty days and enjoy it!
    Hope you are no longer in that marriage; if you can do No Contact with the narc. It is time for you to heal!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2014

      Hi Kay,

      thank you for these great suggestions.

      It is incredibly true that our ‘beingness’ is a holistic matter.

      The more we look after our cellular function, by removing toxins out of body, and creating a healthy ‘environment’ inside ourselves – emotional and otherwise – the better out emotions, and then mental health will be.

      Mel xo

  • Pamelah721@gmail.com'
    Pamela H
    August 24, 2014

    It is astonishing how effective NARP is for releasing PTSD and CPTSD symptoms. I cannot even recognize this confident, loving woman I have become (reclaimed) in the year of extensive work I have done on the program. ALL of my relationships have been given a new lease on life and I feel loved and supported as well as being a source of strength and joy to others. It is so fulfilling to live this way. The space for the good stuff just keeps on growing in my life, and my timing is right on much of the time. I feel lucky almost every day now but the truth is I worked hard to get here. I want the same peace and joy for everyone that I’m finding more and more of every day. Once again, the transformation is astonishing. Melanie does not advocate coping – – she is leading others to incredible, true, phenomenal relief and healing. I highly recommend NARP! LOVE your life and yourself again, it is not only possible, it is your birthright.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2014

      Hi Pamela,

      I am so pleased NARP has opened you up to space and your true power…

      It has been SO worth your effort to grant yourself that gift.

      Mel xo

  • Pamelah721@gmail.com'
    Pamela H
    August 24, 2014

    Just to add, please, PLEASE sign up for a free Webinar and try the healing method that Melanie specializes in, if you are suffering from abuse and trauma in your past. You can start getting a new lease on life right away that has NOTHING to do with what anybody else is or isn’t doing–because it is about you.

  • jdparks129@aol.com'
    joy25
    August 25, 2014

    Dear Melanie,
    I couldn’t agree with you more. I tried healing on my own for one year. I was plagued by nightmares, triggers, obsessive thoughts and ptsd. I was so enmeshed and consumed with the narc in my life. Slowly, I began to focus on me and the shifts began. I stopped focusing on what was done to me. I purchased the Narp program in July 2014 and I feel like myself again! This program has catapulted me into a place so special. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 26, 2014

      Hi Joy,

      it does make such a difference when we start releasing the trauma out of our body, as opposed to trying to wrestle it to the ground with our minds!

      I am so pleased NARP has helped you so much 🙂

      Mel xo

  • bmwstbill@yahoo.com'
    Bill
    August 26, 2014

    Melanie,
    All these replies and your blog article trigger a nagging question in me with reguard to Compassion.

    Isn’t that our final destination, and doesn’t that include the real selves of those who abused us?

    I’m not talking about love, love is an emotional trap but compassion, pure and from the Source for us and them is a doorway.

    What else is there?
    And what holds us back?

    Compassion for all is the only way to freedom for the human form.

    Every love envisioned,

    bill

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 26, 2014

      Hi Bill,

      100% I agree; compassion is an enormous part of it.

      Compassion for ourselves, abusers and the entire human experience of unconsciousness.

      Everyone does what they do that is powerless and / or abusive because of inner wounds.

      The issue is when we try to do compassion for people in person to try to save them. If they haven’t started to love and accept themselves, and are still deeply unconscious – you will still be the target their wounds are projected on to.

      Compassion, for this reason with narcissists, is much best done through the heart at a distance.

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    August 27, 2014

    this is a test, please disregard, thanks!

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    August 27, 2014

    HI Mel. I am so thankful for you today. I have been trying to do your program for over a year now, and have been unable to emotionally connect until this week. Something changed, and my feelings are starting to open up. I felt like something was wrong that I could not enter in. What I now believe is that I have been in ‘freeze’ mode, common to ptsd sufferers. I am having sensations in my body that include needing to get my heart checked, because I was having palpitations. I am taking care, as I listen as much as I can handle to the different healings. I will add, your voice has become a comfort, which even I find healing. One thing I am having trouble with is my incredible appetite. I gained 7 lbs this month, as I have been healing so deeply. Is that common? I think it may have to do with releasing my addiction to the narc, nurturing myself in a bit of a cocoon way, and sabotage all at the same time. I will try to bring this issue to consciousness while I do the modules. Thanks again for your deep presence in my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 27, 2014

      Hi Ruth,

      That is great that you have been able to connect to your emotions.

      It is so important in the shifts to open up your body, and allow the feeling of the charge.

      You can also use the Goal Setting Module to help clear the blocks in regard to “feeling”. The Goal can be “It is safe to feel, I claim my right to feel” and clear whatever resistance comes up in regard to this.

      That will help you a lot.

      In regard to the eating, yes absolutely this is “spiritual starvation” meaning that you are not Sourcing authentically, and trying to get ‘filling’ from the outside – through food.

      There are two ways to tackle this. Take the ‘urge to eat’ to Module One and clear the charges of emptiness, neediness, anxiety etc.

      Also you can use the Goal Setting Module and set up the goal “I am filled with Source. I am full, content, whole and safe” and clear the resistance. This will make a big difference.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • mpotsidi@phys.uoa.gr'
    marion
    August 27, 2014

    Melanie hi!
    I feel like thanking you from the bottom of my heart. I do not know when I will completely heal from the narcissistic relationspips I was in to (with mother and a partner) which both have ended but struggle to heal the deep inner wounds I realized I have when I went through your articles and emails you sent within these few days I “discovered” you in the web.
    I have read so many articles the past 3 months searching for answers to “Why do I feel this pain inside?”..
    And then I met you.
    I am beginning now to understand.

    Thank you so much Melanie

  • priebco@yahoo.com'
    Jennifer
    August 31, 2014

    Dear Melanie,

    I have been trying to heal from a 23 year long relationship with an abusive narcissist. I never could figure out what was going on until I had enough and kicked him out. However, I had NO idea of what was going on and I did not know anyone who could understand just what I was going through until I came across you! You have given me so much insight into my predicament I cannot even tell you. Thanks so much. I love the take charge guidance you give-it is so revolutionary and I hope many more therapists adopt your methodology. I was feeling so strange in moving on, numb and inexplicably anxious and you really helped me identify the c-ptsd and I hope to understand this stage of recovery better with that information. Brilliant! All my best in your success and would love to participate in any conference you are in in the greater NY metro area. Jennifer

  • libbet70@yahoo.com.au'
    Elizabeth
    September 12, 2014

    Hi Melanie, I can’t get the last link to work, the one about the narcissist being a chameleon and empty void, it keeps sending me to the two sides of the coin article. Can it be fixed? Thanks!

  • libbet70@yahoo.com.au'
    Elizabeth
    September 12, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    The link to the article ‘narcissist being a chameleon and empty void’ takes you to the two sides of the coin article. Can we get the link to that article as it looks interesting. Thank you.

  • nicholascajigas@arcor.de'
    Nicholas
    September 20, 2014

    Fantastic website. Lots of useful info here. I am sending it to several pals ans also sharing in delicious.
    And certainly, thanks in your effort!

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    Real estate agents Monroe NC
    January 23, 2015

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  • texasgirl1849@comcast.net'
    TK
    March 16, 2015

    I was thinking of leaving my husband of 16 years, and then I was in a nasty car accident and thought he would “come around.” He discarded me quickly and I got a lawyer. I had to plan secretly to leave with my two teenagers. It has been about a year and a half process, and we have another court date in April. Before I read this blog, I had been healing from surgery and overanalyzing everything with sitting at home not able to do much of anything, except cry and feel sorry for myself. That afternoon, I made a promise to myself: I will only be negative about this whole situation two times a day.

    I am so pleased to understand and read about the “gift” we receive after going through a process each one of us has to travel. Just making one simple positive rule helped me stop victimising myself, and forgive myself, not yet for my N, though.
    Forgiving yourself is more difficult than anyone can realize. Forgiveness is a simple act, but remember, we don’t ever have to forget. We all hope to use our experiences to help others and keep an undying hope for those that are just beginning this delicate process. Our most important idea that we all need to apply is to support one another without using that time to “shelf” our needs to escape our pain. Thinking positive thoughts to all of you…
    TK

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    Visit Jerusalem now
    March 26, 2015

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  • rbots@bellsouth.net'
    Kirk
    May 14, 2015

    Melanie,
    This is the first time I have read anything that is a real human perspective of the complexity and utter chaos of growing up with two parents with severe NPD, possible BPD,Bi-Polar.I am 63 now and I am surviving. No one understands the terrible damage and trauma that rears it’s ugly head if I were re-visit the Peron of the abuse and original trauma’s.(parents). I am just know beginning to understand what I need to do to grow into happiness. All I can do is than you for your words, as my whole life has been affected by abusive parents and brothers, and I am the only brother who was functional enough to work in engineering for 25 years.Every morning I read the one paragraph on PTSD of yours to remind myself what I need to do to stay in a healthy zone and safe place , far away from the Hitler of a father, which is so inexplicable that I just have certain things I cannot do tostay alive. My father is still live, and at 86, he is still the same and he calls me to get his supply, his dose to fill his shell. I no longer answer the phone. At any rate , again, Thanks for knowing. I learned something that will keep me alive one more day, and no longer he cannot hurt me.

    Kirk

  • beckynot@hotmail.co.uk'
    Bee
    May 21, 2015

    Hi Melanie, thank you so much for your wonderful article and kind words which are truly healing in themselves. It is so very hard when you take the focus off the narcissist and find nothing there but a void, no self, and no clue who you are. It feels like an impossible task to find yourself and so very hard to be kind to yourself in any way, such an alien thing to do, I guess that’s the programming…… Blessings to you XXX

  • pazkimmel@gmail.com'
    Karmen
    May 22, 2015

    Dear Melanie, its weird how just recently I learned my ex is a Narcissist. We were together for a year and a half and almost the whole year and a half, was awesome. Or I could be fooling myself again. You see, I have known him for over 9 years. Never disrespectful, fun, straightforward, very good looking… I was addicted to his presence before we ever began a relationship. I thought he was different. And when we started sleeping together, it was amazing. When he would hold me, I felt warm, safe, happy… Everytime we were together, we were always laughing and having a good time. He even gained the trust of all my 4 children. Especially my oldest son. He looked up to him. Wanted to play games or football with him and even wanted to be like him. Everyone I knew always had something to say bad about him… Saying he doesn’t love me and he’s just trying to string me along and hes using me. I didn’t believe it. I knew he had his struggles and problems that limited him and I wasn’t trying to be a selfish woman. I loved him. If he was happy, so was I. Except when he would ignore me for days and my anxiety would kick in. And when we would talk about a relationship and he would tell me he doesn’t want it but doesn’t want to lose me either. Tells me in letters from jail that he can be a good man for me and how he knows I’m definitely good for him. Tells his friend I’m his girl and gets jealous periodically when some old man would talk to me. Then, everything got worse. He started accusing me of things I never did and acting like a little boy answering his phone, laughing and hanging up. He completely ignored my son on Facebook and to make it worse, he comes back after 3 weeks of ignorance, accusations, and just pure evilness to me, and accepts my daughter’s invitation to a professional soccer game here. Comes back to my house, asking me if I miss him and how much he’s missed me. Massaging my back, telling jokes, then we had sex. And just like that, continued on with the evilness right after. I felt like I was dying inside. Begging for an explanation on why he started acting this way… And with no answer or explanation given after a couple weeks, he threatens me, changes his number, then starts to stalk me. And again, just like that, he gets ahold of me a week ago. Telling me hes not doing any of that and people are just talking bad about him, tries to flirt, but I turned him down. And he proceeded to tell me he doesn’t care about me and he didn’t care that his friend was continuously hitting on me because I was never his girl. And he doesn’t have to apologize to me.
    I apologize Melanie. I know this is long but I have to say this…
    I feel so stupid. Stupid, desperate, lonely, anger, confusion… Everything. I’m so depressed. I don’t understand how I let myself get tangled up in this mess again. Except, my exhusband was severely physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually abusive to me for over 6 years. My ex boyfriend never hit me or sexually abused me. I feel like I’m weak. All I want is to go back in time. I want him back and I hate myself for it. He left me. And I know hes going to contact me again.. Probably because I continue to say hello every now and again. I can’t handle this. How can I let this happen to me and my kids. I feel like I’m a terrible mom for letting them get attached to someone. A man who lived here for weeks, had christmas with us, dinner, and movies. Why can’t I just forget him. Erase his whole existence in my life. I feel like I aloud my exhusband back in my life. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until I searched online for anyone else dealing with this kind of break up or partner. And pops up Narcissist. I want to stop crying, stop feeling used. K want to stop hurting. I was diagnosed with Severe PTSD 3 times, severe Clinical Depression as well 3 times, and Anxiety disorder. I don’t take meds but I do self-medicate with Marijuana. But I tend to use my money on important stuff first. I don’t know what to do. I want to scream. I want to call him… Help me please.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 22, 2015

      Hi Karmen,

      please know it is really difficult for me to go back to past blogs and answer them in detail when I need to work with my present replies.

      Karmen, what you really need are the best of my resources. Have you signed up to my 16 Day series … that is really important.

      If you haven’t you can do so here https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted

      Also please come in to my next webinar – this will allow you to experience my healing process which has helped so many people who have felt as shattered as you … (myself included). You can do so here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free webinar

      Those are the ways I can help you.

      Mel xo

    • blacktwilight66@gmail.com'
      Chelby
      October 15, 2016

      Karmen, I had confusion over the fact that he didn’t physically abuse me, too. And I believe it’s because he knows you will not tolerate that with children involved after your trauma with your ex-husband. Whatever you do, DON”T CALL HIM or it will never stop! From personal experience I can honestly tell you every day it gets better and better. My biggest coping mechanism at the beginning of no contact was reminding myself how bad he was to me and how much I didn’t deserve it (along with Tapping.) I strongly recommend Tapping to you Karmen! It works so much better than Marijuana ever would, it is an absolute lifesaver!

      I feel the shame from “being so stupid” often as well, and I promise you it has nothing to do with your intelligence and everything to do with your subconscious. Anyone in your position would have been fooled, and yes he will attempt to contact you again. When my narcissist tried to to contact me the most recent time I felt so empowered when I turned him down. You will, too.

      I wish you the best of luck, and am so proud of you!

      lisaescott.com

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    Improve Credit
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  • N.liddon@gmail.com'
    Nicole
    August 15, 2015

    Hello.
    When the panic ones over me I become crippled with fear anxiety sadness I’ve been taking recreational drugs to block the grieving but then it hits me and I sit for two days looking online looking at old pictures sussing out what he is up to.
    He dismissed me 7 weeks ago he has a new girlfriend that he started with whilst we were together. He announced the girlfriend on social media last week.
    I collapsed. He was telling me he still loved me and to just see what happens. While he had moved on already.
    I’m empty. I miss him terribly. He hates me.
    No one understands this pain: because of course he did use to treat me like a absolute princess. I’m lost.

    • blacktwilight66@gmail.com'
      Chelby
      October 15, 2016

      The same thing happened to me! Almost exact words Nicole. Just know that it is totally acceptable to miss something whilst not want it back. Just understand that the person you miss isn’t really a person at all, but an illusion. I promise there are other who understand your pain and i am living proof of that. When you are ready I hope you will choose to heal all the wounds he caused you and the ones he took advantage of. It’s ok to learn about his condition and the abuse cycle he will follow.

      In fact, his treating you like a princess in the beginning is a textbook example of “love-bombing.” This is his way of reeling you in so you become dependent on him.

      I strongly recommend Tapping to help with your anxiety. And I suggest you block his social media profiles as a part of no contact when you are ready. Just know that it does get better. just take it one day at a time.

      Lots of love Nicole <3

  • reesusa2015@gmail.com'
    Brenda
    November 13, 2015

    I have been a victim to long, blaming and shaming and doing the victim dance. I have never evolved past being a victim, being a co dependent and doing the nasty dance with tons of narcissists, until today when I read through lots of your articles. it was like an eye opener, a huge light bulb moment. from here on out I will no longer view myself as unworthy or ever speak of being a victim thanks to you. I definitely agree the more we talk about our “wounds” the more wounded we become. Once again a huge thank you!!!

  • reesusa2015@gmail.com'
    Brenda
    November 13, 2015

    I just left a feedback but forgot to ask how to cope when we meet a Narcissist? I have a no contact rule in place with my biological family . A long story and not worthy of repeating.

    I would like coping skills to deal with difficult people AKA narcissists so I don’t go fall back into co-dependentacy or victim mode. thanks

  • taztpot@gmail.com'
    T
    December 13, 2015

    THANKYOU Melanie x

  • derpashnerp@hotmail.com'
    Bea
    May 16, 2016

    I have heard so much about the NARP programme and am interested in helping myself. However, before I make that commitment, I have to make sure it is beneficial to me because I am diagnosed with a personality disorder – BPD. Can this program help people with BPD? I would appreciate any help with this. Thanks, 🙂

  • wopla@gmx.com'
    MB
    June 4, 2016

    Amen Melanie, AMEN.

    You get it. You totally get it. You definitely know your stuff.

    What you said about the groups & therapy. You just get it :).

    The level of toxicity and the “heaviness” of it all. It feels like being dragged thru mud and hitting a wall.

    I’ve never liked that, and somehow always consciously steered away from this type of energy, as it felt detrimental to my well-being.

    I’m grateful for this one group I was part of at some point (which didn’t exactly deal with abuse – it was for something else), but there was a similar dynamic that just didn’t work for me anymore so I left.

    Best decision ever :).

    Thanks again Melanie! I’ll be purchasing your programme soon!

    I do not suffer from full-blown C-PTSD, but used to experience some of the symptoms mentioned above in your post.

    I still struggle with anxiety and not too long ago I experienced anguish, but I know what exactly what triggered it (or who), and if the person in question hadn’t shown up in my life, I probably wouldn’t have been aware of the anguish.

    So I realize I still have things to “dismantle” on the inside, and that’s exactly what I’ll be using your programme for.

    Many thanks Melanie! Keep up the good work!

  • blacktwilight66@gmail.com'
    Chelby
    October 15, 2016

    I am in my 5th(ish) month of no contact from my narcissist and I’m already feeling so much better. All of these stories are so very inspiring I thank and applaud you all for your incredible courage! I hope to heal as strongly as you have. I am 17 and am so GRATEFUL that this happened to me so early! The issues I had would have further ruined my life if they went any longer unnoticed. When I met my narcissist at age 14 we instantly connected over similar childhood trauma (sexual assault and neglect). A recipe for disaster I see now. A year later after his abuse had taken hold (I had no idea I was being abused or even that NPD existed) my parents began to notice my strange change in behavior. I was soon put into counseling and later Tapping therapy for sexual assault trauma (This is what they believed was causing my symptoms). Me and my narcissist were off and on for another year and a half after that. Due to my tapping therapy I had resolved most of my childhood traumas and became mostly incompatible with the narcissist and therefore, he left me. I was devastated. My suicidal thoughts and self harm spiked again 3 months ago and have subsided as I’ve picked up on Tapping. Then I came across a website for NPD abuse victims and IT ALL MADE SENSE! My story was scarily similar to theirs as was my symptoms. My awakening had begun. However, I know I’m not finished yet. My CPTSD and PTSD symptoms are fading, but slowly. And, Melanie, I honestly believe this article is exactly what I needed. I have been caught in victimization and need to consciously focus on MY issues NOT his. I can change me, but nobody can change him. Thank you so much for your support! And for showing me the next step to my healing.

    The website I found is lisaescott.com if you’re interested!

    Lots of love

  • susan_heeney@yahoo.com'
    Jean
    November 14, 2016

    I completely agree that we can’t look at ourselves as victims. That is not healthy and we have to care and heal ourselves and move on and not stay in a victim mode.
    But I also feel many of us have been shocked and there is a need to try to understand what happened and how our trust and love was so betrayed. That is normal. Trying to sort out reality from the distortion of reality from a lifetime is normal.
    I found after a 41 year marriage my husband had been stabbing me in the back with family, friends and finances for most of our marriage – yes, a very long time. Smooth lies and over-the-top gaslighting were the norm. I had no idea there was a cruel calculating man behind the loving and caring mask he showed me and the world for decades.
    He was so smooth that I didn’t know. He would tell friends lies about me under the guise of being concerned – they believed him and I never knew these conversations happened. However in looking back people treated me oddly at times and I didnt know why. Did a wound in me from childhood cause this to happen? No. He is a sick person and I will take no responsibility for his character disturbances. I did not invite them.
    My point is – I didn’t cause this. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t think I need to look and see what “inner wounds” I have that caused it. It happened because he was cruel and manipulative – and I was trusting – I don’t think that Trust is a weakness within myself I need to look inward and heal.

  • jeff.lawton@roadrunner.com'
    Jeff
    November 30, 2016

    I don’t know if you can help me but I know you ought to be aware that people as severely psychologically wounded as myself are out there. My late mother (I was unfortunately an only child) was not merely a narcissist but a complete psychopath who dropped me on my head at the age of five (I still have the scar to show for it), since it started so early I have full-blown developmental trauma. I won’t get into all the individual ways she disrespected me and violated every boundary that I ever thought about coming up with, I’ll simply state that she told me that she not only trusted no one, she felt that anyone who trusted anyone else was a fool and his life was bound to come to a tragic end; my father of course was a useless FM and if he got tired of dealing with her he wound up throwing HER at ME which is what passed in our house for “family dynamics”. I knew something was severely wrong with my upbringing but the only thing that was really bothering me was it was getting progressively harder to get to sleep at night, which ultimately turned into what I call absolute hypervigilance insomnia (the total inability to sleep at night without first ingesting a strong antipsychotic, in my case seroquel). In fighting my way through that I wound up winning a five-digit award from SSA for the fatigue resulting from the insomnia. It turned out I also had severe exotropic strabismus from all the stress I was under (that finally explained why no one wanted to go out with me), it was so bad the Beverly Hills surgeon had to invent a new kind of operation to get me looking normal again. When I tried to get help for my severely degraded emotional state that accompanied the situation over a period of the next ten years I found that no matter what I tried (TF-CBT, EMDR, you name it) the therapy modality failed and nobody stepped forward to explain why; I finally figured out that in addition to everything else I also had severe alexithymia, but at last when I knew that I was able to schedule sessions in what’s called infra-low neurofeedback, which is just about certain to work when nothing else will because it alone never has to ask “and how does that make you feel?” because if you’re alexithymic you have no answer. I’m not all through with the NFB yet but already I have concerns about the next phase because now I need help with all the developmental structure that my late mother “said I would never have any use for” and I don’t believe I’ve ever seen such a program offered because it wouldn’t be a lightweight affair at all, but after all the ways the therapy community has let me down I’m fully prepared for it to happen again. All I really want to know is, if it’s so close to impossible to recover from this and the community is so ill-prepared to help with it, WHY THE HELL IS IT OK TO LET IT HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE??

  • errigo@mac.com'
    Narcissistic assholes
    December 3, 2016

    PTSD or C-PTSD produced by family members and in laws that I don’t deserve. I’m a survivor on many fronts. It made me feel weak with noticeable brain changes. I did by self medicated to avert PTSD was magic mushroomed strictly as .5 grams daily for 30 days. Thankfully, it has worked and my survivor mode continues.
    NARCS has become aggressive to destroy my quality of life. I was set up into judicial system being on probation for two years without violations. The betrayal was so overwhelming and hurtful. She snapped from a sincere woman into blaming and shaming. I should have killed her to protect two precious children if I had to do all over again. I was all alone in the battlefield and felt like I’m losing my mind my friends and my emotions. I haven’t seen my kids for 3 years which killed me inside. They are completely brainwashed. They groomed them based on god fearing Christians and such. So hypocritical of them. Religion is the biggest roots of all evil because the hypocrisy masses is greater than other groups. Also, It produces Narcissistic personality far greater than outside of Religion. When something is taught delusional how devil and Jesus does, this delusional faith accumulates delusional mind onto something else like “I felt an angel holding me from falling” or ” A bullet missed me because the lord moved it” or ” Obama was born in Jamaica”. Beyond stupid.
    They label me schizophrenia, bi polar, delusional etc. I was evaluated over 5 times. No evidence of mental diagnosis. Their best excuses how I got away with it because I’m a street smart and pathological liar. They refuse to accept anything positive.
    My Narcissistic brother has been following me for 20 years and the last 15 years he actually spent $1 million to destroy my life. His private investigator got caught at my kids elementary school. I have a police report.
    I filed restraining order on him and my oldest daughter who lives with him age of 19. So many people involved and I was outnumbered by one.
    They got aggressive and wanted me dead. My son at the age of 12 wanted to kill me. My uncle just said I’m better off dead.
    Mentally….I reacted as a self defense mode if they ever harmed me in anyway…all of their children will ve killed. That’s the fantasy but I have too much empathy on innocent children. My fantasy wanted my life back and felt strongly this is the only solution to stop them and leave me alone.
    I’m not safe. I know in my heart I’ll be killed. Police are assholes and Judges are the worst humankind.
    Christianity- fuck you! The sickest thing ever invented. I’m safe with Jewish and Indians.
    it’s hard for me to get my life back because they keep blocking my opportunities to succeed. I can’t help the thought of it to find a solution.
    I wanted to thank you because this is exactly what I was experienced and it took 7 fucking years of trying to make them to understand. It backfired into suicidal thoughts
    They should not be the therapist and I’m so pissed off how stupid they were. Beyond stupid.
    Cops are stupid. I wish mafia exist. I really do.

  • dyerseye88@gmail.com'
    Peter
    December 9, 2016

    Hi, I really enjoy reading your articles, you have basically just written my life story of being narc abused for 13 years. The only reason that I was have been able to start my journey was to finally admit that it was ‘her’ that was the narcissist(My admiration and worship would not allow me to pin her as the narcissist). I was raised by two narc families, I’m actually fortunate that this hit me only in my adolescence, otherwise god knows what I would have done to myself if I experienced this pain when I was younger. The eating the poison and hoping the opposing party to die part did occur, however, the “poison” part seemed to have more effect on her than on me (lol). After this period of time, she was finally confronted by her inner demons, a dorian gray she looks like now. Saggy face(like the cheeks of a bulldog), skew eyes and extreme blood shot eyes. At only a few years older than me, she looks like a “scrooge” kind of old and also has a wrinkled face, pretty hideous and scary actually. I do not wish her well and hope she pays back for everything she has done. All narcs should get and own their karma.
    Geez, after 35 years of denial, I finally accepted that I grew up with only narcissists. I’m surprised that I’m still alive 😛

  • Oliveoil457@outlook.com'
    Kate
    January 17, 2017

    Today is a bad day, I am physically shaking, short of breath, palpitations and I cannot concentrate. I have been away from my narc sociopath for 19 months, last contact direct with him 14 months ago. Since I told him to stay away and I moved across the globe I’ve had 3 different accusations from three different police stations. Each one worse than the other. I finally entered a new relationship in
    November last year, a full 12 months after contact. It took a lot of guts but the ptsd has haunted me and I’ve sabotaged. I realised I wasn’t ready, I don’t trust him let alone myself. I feel sick, lonely a dad if nobody understands. I’ve not had this anxiety for over 12 months, but with the new relationship it came back. I realised the whole time I was with my narc I felt like this. That’s three years of heightened anxiety. I’ve had 12 months calm. I want that back.

  • tjoyc2002@yahoo.com'
    TJ
    February 3, 2017

    You made some great points in your article, but I would like to share something that you missed that was essential to my healing.

    I overcame many layers of ptsd and the only long term effects are that I have an off switch now that I did not have before which came in handy with my latest traumatic exposure, where I turned the tables and won against an narcissist, but that is another story.

    When I was in the throws of many layers of flashbacks, I had to find the solution for myself, because I was below poverty level, and no one would help me for free. The psych help I did get was bleak. I believed there was more, and I could recover, so I prayed. I read the book: Changes That Heal, and realized what happened to me. My mind and body continued through time, while my emotions were left behind, because shutting them off was necessary for survival. Then when life became safe, my emotions woke up, and started to replay what had happened since the day I shut them off. That in essence is the best description of a flashback I have ever heard.

    Then I prayed about what to do about them. I was listening to a sermon, and it was about forgiveness, and how unforgiveness allows the past to torture your mind. I began to journal when a flashback would begin, and then judge the specific flashback. What was my fault? What was there fault? How did I feel? Why was this wrong? How would I have done it differently with what I know now? What would I say to them? Then ultimately I had to forgive myself and them for everything that happened. That flashback was then settled, and reduced in power. Usually that specific one would no longer return.

    I did not dig through my mind, because I kept the past in the past. Too many memories were linked, and they would flood me if I began prying. Instead, I dealt with each episode as it happened. Even if it meant finding a bathroom stall in a crowded store after a trigger caused a flashback. I would ground myself by saying, “What I see is not now. What I feel is not me now. I am stronger now then I was then. I am no longer in danger.” Then I would start to judge the event, and then cover it in forgiveness.

    After one year of consistancy, the flashbacks stopped completely, and I could move on to healing from the anxiety, agoraphobia, and trust issues. I gave this lesson to my nephew after he caused a car accident that killed his sister, and he is on the road to recovery now. Slowly, he is gaining control over his emotions again, and he is working through the trauma towards healing. His psych counceling was not working, so I told him what I did to handle it and it worked. It really works.

    While I was healing, I had a man pursuing me who didn’t judge me when I broke down into a crying ball of pain, and tried to listen even when I was half in the past and half in the present. He kept an eye on me, watched my back, and kept me safe through the year long process where I was most vulnerable. He became my boyfriend, my fiance, and my husband. He was good, but his mother is a narcissist who made my life a living Hell for 6 years. I realized this time through, I had an off switch. I could stop feeling at any time at will. I wasn’t a sociopath without emotions, because my conscience was still intact. I realized when she tried to suck me up in her emotionally abusive actions, I could objectively apply behaviorism to her actions and totally stop her in her tracks. I could easily take her power, empower her victims, and bring consequences down on her. I could even take her power all together and leave her alone with the void of her emotions, because I was immune to her slander, defamation of character, FOG, and gaslighting. All of her tricks required emotions to work, and with mine turned off I could think clearly in the moment and make her fall on her face. I could pull the rug out from under her feet, or put fear into her if she tried to mistreat my child to gain attention. She does not dare play games with me, and she has lost her strangle hold on my husband as well. As for her lies, I disprove them daily. My fruit is a free, happy, growing husband, and a happy child surpassing every milestone. My lap continually is full with an animal or child, and my friends trust me. I am not the monster, but I drove the monster off.

    I took my husband’s hand, and we moved far far away. He is healing, he’s beginning to grow, and we are now having a second child on the way. When his mother pitches a fit, I sit back and watch my husband stand up like a man and he makes the abuse stop. Big steps for someone so entangled and programmed when we started out. I am still recovering from the war, but I won and that means my family is safe. If the violence begins again, we won’t fall prey to it. Our eyes are open, and we have a united front.

    It has taken me 4 months to decompress since we moved, I always turned my emotions back on throughout the 6 years, whenever I was alone, so the after affects would be less severe. I had many triggers after we moved. It was more like Shell Shock this time, and so we made some changes to allow me a quiet place to heal. I am beginning to feel again, with no flashbacks this time. The hardest part was relearning how to be less vigulant. I will probably face more problems in the future, but it is easier when there is two instead of one. It is also far more empowering when you can overcome evil with good and come out on top.

    So if you find yourself suffering from ptsd, it is not the end. Ground yourself in the present and forgive, especially yourself. It really does work.

  • janetsplace@hotmail.co.uk'
    J
    April 16, 2017

    Dear Melanie

    I have just signed up for your starter pack and started on the first book. Your videos on peptides made so much sense and I hope to learn much more during the course of what I hope will be my recovery period.

    Like you my relationship with a Narcissist which lasted for twelve years ended when I had a breakdown four years ago. When I came home after going away to recover for eight weeks, he turned up at where he knew I would be and begged me to go back to with him I refused and a week later people that I knew began one by one not speaking to me. H had started a smear campaign and not being fully recovered, still having panic attacks, being wary of people anyway, and still not functioning well my symptoms escalated again and I became almost reclusive but managing to go to work and staying out of my home town as much as possible.

    There have been several of these campaigns over the last four years which have also filtered to my workplace. none of my former friends are around now and those I said hello to in the street often blank me. There has been an escalation again recently, and I don’t think I can cope with this isolation any more it has been four years. I think I am going to have move away but my son lives here and would not want to leave and I have no other family both my parents have died in the last five years.

    Please help with some advise. I don’t know where to go and don’t think I can recover in this situation.

  • lc2423@aol.com'
    Lisa Casey
    July 8, 2017

    **While I know you are coming from a good place and want to help and inspire, I found section Who Is Really the Abuser? statements counterproductive. They undermine the severity of domestic violence and doesn’t address it’s not a “one size fits all” approach. There are FAR too many women still stuck in abusive relationships because the combination of systematic abuse/manipulations/lies, severe PTSD that inhibiting cognitive thinking and constant threats. Their constant thoughts are of hope that he’ll stop.**
    ** The main message indicates that victims of domestic violence need to suck it up, quit whining, stop talking about their experiences and find healing/growth through positive thinking to move on. The most important things victims need: belief, support, guidance, love and respect – with that environment – the thoughts will naturally follow. The last thing they need or deserve: criticism, guilt and tough love approaches. **
    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    Who Is Really the Abuser?
    Our world is so back-the-front and upside down. Trauma from abuse is a significant issue of great proportions; it needs solutions. Yet, our world loves to promote and foster staying stuck in the problems.
    ** The very first line should indicate the reality: The person who harmed you and your children is the REAL abuser, regardless of what you think about. **

    Groups form to share their war stories and pain over and over again. Rather than taking their power back by going inside themselves and doing the essential inner work to evolve the reasons why they were abused – these people stay blaming, shaming and re-living the trauma over and over again.

    Misery loves company, especially when it’s cloaked in indignant righteousness. I promise you, I am not having a go at you – I understand it, because I used to be stuck in it too.

    In fact, I know my own indignant righteousness – blaming him for all the problems, being totally obsessed about “him,” and not taking any personal responsibility as to “why I was a victim of abuse”
    ** Please think about what that sentence, because for me and many others I know, never chose to be abused, and remained for years under threats. I gave 100% to my marriage and did absolutely nothing to deserve being abused. I am not responsible for his rage or abuse, there was nothing I could have done differently. **

    – brought me finally to my knees.

    Our righteous indignation about “the evil in the world” can become such a preoccupation that it becomes an addiction – often masked in the justification: “We need to talk about what happened to us repetitively for a long period of time to get it out of our system.” (A common thrust in abuse forums.)
    It is total fallacy that talking about it, in this fashion, is going to produce healing. If there is no inner identity healing work (directly addressing our subconscious “abuse” programs), we only activate adrenaline and cortisol and re-traumatise ourselves into deeper and more progressive powerlessness – and we become physiologically addicted to it – horrifically.
    Being stuck in blame, shame and righteousness are total recipes to produce this.

    ** While I stopped attending my PTSD group because I am actively still dealing with it, for the women who are now away from their abuser, it was a great forum to get help and was focused on healing not rehashing. **

    I’d like you to imagine that someone shot you once, and you then replay the scene 100 more times, complete with all of the righteous emotional fuel regarding how “evil” that person is.

    Do you realise you just shot yourself 100 more times with the same bullet, at even closer range.
    ** I literally cannot fathom why you’d use this violent analogy when your audience is made up of people affected by domestic violence and abuse, especially when the majority of victims who cannot leave their abuser because they lack the money/resources to leave, **

    I promise you this truth – which I nearly had to die in order to finally accept: The most destructive of all abuse is SELF-ABUSE. You may not have realised that you need YOU – more than anyone else – to be the healthy person supplying decency, love and support.

    Not the ex-narc, not your mother, not your father, not your friend and not your co-worker … but YOU.

    So how do you become the healthy person in your own life?

    By working determinedly on healing your own inner wounds.

    You constantly thinking poisoned, painful, victimised thoughts is as deadly as any self-abuse, and it is more damaging to your psyche by far than what anyone else has ever done to you.

    ** Because my divorce and custody case has a judge as corrupt, abusive and manipulative as my ex (she’s been under investigation for years but no one takes action) she ignored the stack of proof: DV TRO’s, police, therapist and CPS reports, my children are with their abuser full time, traumatized and unable to contact me. It’s a living nightmare that I am reminded of daily, as I have spent six months trying to find any legal help, advocacy or support, so I have to either to write about or talk about the specifics of the abuse/trauma constantly, with each new person. And while I know I didn’t deserve the abuse, God knows my children don’t deserve this, and despite that I pray, use healing thoughts and try to stay positive, the grief/pain I feel daily over the loss of my children, caused by the abuser, not being believed much less helped, is a strong reminder of everything – and while my children, who feared their father so much we moved away for years to heal – to know they are being actively abused and I have been powerless to stop it (look up how common this is when you think there must be something I can do) there just isn’t any room for healing or moving forward. **
    ** It’s caused my PTSD to become so severe that I struggle to function, and nothing, absolutely nothing will help heal faster than HOPE…the change**
    Here is another scary fact – your Inner Being knows no difference between your destructive thoughts towards another, or destructive thoughts towards yourself.

    They all register as identical self-destruction.

    ** While it’s true your subconscious doesn’t differentiate between the truth and lies of your thoughts, there is a difference between thinking badly about yourself and reliving memories of past abuse, thinking badly about your abuser. They may both be negative, but both interpreted differently. **

    It’s like continually eating poison and expecting the other person to drop dead.

    The effects of this are obvious – victims are incredibly toxic to be around, unless you happen to be one yourself and enjoy feeding each other’s toxicity. This is why my gut turns now when I read victimised posts. I have healed to a level where it is poison to me …

    **Whoa! How in the world can you actually make such a negative generalized statement about VICTIMS of abuse?? Incredibly toxic? That is so invalidating to victims of abuse, downplaying their feelings and what stage they are in, as most need to process through levels of healing….wow. **

    I emphasis greatly, I feel for people, and I know what it is like to be there, but I just can’t go back to it – it’s too damaging.

    I also can’t go along with it, I won’t feed it – because I know it only cements powerlessness even more. It breaks my heart every time I see someone post about their pain, and someone responds to them with “more” about how evil a narcissist is, or how bad their narcissist is.

    ** What exactly does that mean “You won’t feed it?” – Again, not knowing their own personal story and with many women who left still remain isolated, they have the need to feel heard and share just how bad it was for them, it helps to vent, it’s not always a sign of powerlessness **

    How ON EARTH does this empower people or help them heal?

    It doesn’t … and it NEVER will.

    The truth is: our Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorders are caused not so much as a result of what happened to us – they are established by our stunted personal development and accompanying victimised perception of these events. And they build and intensify as a result of us being locked into the contemporary victim model and continually re-traumatising ourselves.

    ** THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT IS COMPLETELY 100% INACCURATE AND IS FAR FROM THE TRUTH. Please do some research. The trauma is caused by the infliction of continuous fear and harm, brought on by the abuser. That flight/fight response is then constantly active, and can cause numerous other signals to misfire in the brain, and the chemical imbalances – but the bottom line still is a direct result of what happened to us, a direct result of the trauma**

    I promise you, I am not discounting your trauma in any shape or form.

    ** You are absolutely discounting other’s trauma by making people think C-PTSD is mainly caused by “our” anything and many other comments that just aren’t true. **

    lived it – I know it to be real; and I am passionate about solutions because I know how many people have died from this, and I know I was a hair’s breath off that myself.

    I want to help you awaken with these truths. Because that is the first step for you to start setting yourself fee.

    _____________________________________________________________________________________
    ** I know your intent is to empower victims, but by placing the abuser label onto the victim is not just harmful and confusing, it absolves the real abuser from taking account ability and blame when it IS his fault. An old friend of mine was trapped in an abusive marriage for nearly six years (she finally got out) pouring her heart and soul into trying to “help him” and keep their family together, even as he would beat her up and leave her with bruises. I cannot imagine suggesting to her that she take responsibility for “her part”. **
    ** Again, I totally get you are coming from a good place and want to help and inspire, so it’s disheartening to read some of the things you wrote. I hope you will take what I have said into consideration, maybe add a disclaimer “this is my experience and the tools that worked well for me” so when victims seeking help read your post, especially during an emotionally turbulent time and if they have done all they can and are still trapped, they won’t be caused further guilt labeled “toxic” and “not taking responsibility” or feel it’s their fault for the PTSD they are suffering from. Too many women are hit on a regular basis, unable to leave for whatever reason and I would never think it’s in any way their fault for being hit.
    It’s a very sensitive slippery slope and the most important message should always be: ABUSE IS NEVER YOUR FAULT AND YOU DO YOU DESERVE IT. **

  • erin@eebham.com'
    Erin Edwards
    October 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I’m no victim of narcissist abuse- but I AM a victim of the victim- if that makes sense. My mom has been ill for years now. Her and my dad divorced over 15 years ago and she’s suffering from CPTSD, without any sign of improvement whatsoever, even after visiting multiple doctors, psychiatrists/psychologists, and taking who knows how many medications. She CONSTANTLY talks about my dad, about how we need to read about narcissism and about how she is a victim. She has pushed her entire family away. She has said and done horrible things to my sister and I, but we know it’s not the real her talking. Since I got engaged, her symptoms have gotten so much worse- because the only thing she takes away from my wedding is that my dad is walking me down the aisle, and getting all the “praise” and “credit.” The ONLY thing she’s concerned about when it comes to my wedding is my dad.

    After reading this blog, I felt like I was reading word-for-word about my mom. She claims to go to support groups, but there’s not a word she can say nowadays that I trust. She is paranoid, depressed, her hygiene has been affected, she never leaves the house. It’s terrible. I’m at my wits end. I feel I have done everything I possibly can to try and get my real mom back, but I feel like it’s never going to happen. I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. If I continue to try and help, it affects my own health and happiness, and if I give her space- to try and show her that she needs help bc she’s pushing us away- then I feel like I could wake up any morning to hear she’s hurt herself, or worse. She’s in SUCH denial that she has a problem. She’s pointing fingers at everyone but herself, and it’s almost like she has a NEED to be a victim or start a fight. She acts like we’re betraying her or neglecting her.

    She has a husband, but their marriage is miserable because all she talks about is my dad. I want to get her in a recovery program, or better yet rehab, but I don’t want to be sending her into a place that you discussed in your blog. I want the recovery program or rehab to be encouraging her to get her life back, not encouraging her to talk about the traumas over and over. I am so lost. I feel that in this stage, purchasing your plan will not do anything because she is not ready to stop being the victim, so I could easily see her never touching any of your videos or processes. Can you recommend any sort of rehabilitation that could at least get her to the next step of starting your program? Please help me figure out what to do!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 18, 2017

      Hi ERin,

      please know Dear Lady, I hear you!

      However, this essential truth is everything – we have no power to make other people heal.

      The ONLY power we ever have is to heal ourselves – period.

      Then it all heals – in our experience. Often people start organically following our energy, and if they don’t – we are still FREE. Because our WHOLENESS is now not dependent on them being whole.

      Mel xo

  • jeena.murphy@workingwise.co.nz'
    Jeena
    March 28, 2018

    Hey Melanie,
    What a terrific article. I love the fact that you have emphasised the only way any of us can get well is to accept I am my own saviour.
    I have lived with a pain syndrome for 25 years. I had to accept I did this to myself, causing the pain syndrome, and the only way I can get better is to accept I am the only one who can change my neural pathways and think and feel differently.
    My husband, soon to be my ex, was in a previous relationship with someone with NPD. He had a major operation recently and basically woke up a different person. He’s gone into victim mode, left us, and basically unraveled. The worst thing is he is now is saying I am the abuser and has mixed me up with his ex. We have had lots of counselling which mostly results in him regressing into wounded child mode. It’s been so bewildering and I can’t reach him anymore.
    All I can do now is let him go. I am so sad about that but I know I am an arch rescuer and this isn’t my fight anymore, it’s his.
    I don’t need anyone’s permission to let go but it is so heartbreaking.

  • gennaio47@aol.com'
    RC
    May 9, 2018

    Thank you for giving a name to the trauma. It will definitely help my focus to heal the past wounds in the present, and live a thriving future.

  • lembley86@gmail.com'
    LT
    August 24, 2019

    Thank you. I feel like I’ve been stuck on repeat and playing my trauma over and over again in my head. I’ve been driving myself crazy with my own thoughts. Lately I’ll lay in bed for 9 hours and sleep maybe 2 total because I can’t shut off my brain. Reading these words have been a wake up call for me and a reminder to be good to myself. Time to ditch my victim outlook and take accountability for my own healing.

    Thank you so much for your words. They’ve changed my perspective on my situation. xoxo

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