Melanie Tonia Evans

The 50 Shades Of The Narcissist

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 14
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

A couple of weeks ago, a HUGE discussion broke out on my Facebook page about the book and upcoming movie Fifty Shades of Grey.

I have never seen such a spirited and heated discussion on my page!

It was clear to see from the posts on the thread that people were divided into two camps. One being adamant that the book was an account of a narcissist and a co-dependent caught up in web of unhealthy sex, obsession and abuse – which triggered them intensely, and the other camp were equally as convinced that the fantasy of the book was harmless, and they had experienced a great deal of healing and libration whilst reading the book.

It was, all in all, a fantastic debate.

If you are not on my Facebook page I’d love you to join in on these discussions. I also post daily inspirational quotes and exercises for your recovery and empowerment after narcissistic abuse.

Here is a link to my Facebook Page.

So today, I want to talk about sex and the narcissist. I put some posts up on Facebook about this upcoming article, and I received a great deal of responses and input from the Community in the way of posts on the thread and many private messages.

Thank you so much everyone for your contributions; they have played a definite part in the creation of this article. I have included some of the public comments to assist bringing through the point in question.

I sincerely hope, because this Community is all in this together – healing and evolving, that when you see yours, you will graciously understand why I have included some snippets.

With the exception of one NARP Member’s email, I have respected and not shared any parts of private messages. Please, know with the volume of messages I receive, it is impossible for me to answer you all personally, and I take this opportunity to thank you for being involved in this topic and sharing your inner life so authentically with me.

So now on to the article…

I’ve never dedicated an entire article to narcissistic sex before. But we are all adults, and I think it is time!

This article is specifically about what sex looks like when people are a healthy source to themselves, and what the difference is when people aren’t…

 

The Greatest Purpose of Sex

I have no doubt that great sex, otherwise known as ‘making love’, is the highest expression of Heaven on Earth. This is when two people can melt into each other in total surrender and become an explosion of joy and bliss infinite times greater than the individual parts of themselves.

There is an opportunity – within orgasmic conjoining – to know the true meaning of ‘Oneness’.

Not only can we be ‘One’ with a sexual partner, we can also catapult directly into the Oneness of God, and the entire Universe in a symphony of pure ecstasy.

Naturally, this is a very enticing state sought by many. Many people want to have the ultimate sexual spiritual experience that I have described. And maybe there are people, who when they really feel into such a powerful conjoining, may be terrified of ‘losing themselves’ – the dissolving of their individuality (egoic mind) into ‘Oneness’.

Many people desire sex, however, the reason for the desire is all important.

Do we want to have sex to escape our inner pain? Are we trying to run from our woundedness by having sex?

Do we want to have sex with someone so that we can feel loved?

Do we want to have sex in order to gain control of another person? Do we hope that if we are available enough and ‘sexual’ enough that this person won’t leave us and we will never be alone again?

Are we dazzling someone with sex so we can keep this person from really knowing our fears, our inadequacies, and the parts of ourselves we feel they will reject if they find them out?

Or do we wish to experience the heightened sharing and expansion of our already established divinity, authenticity, profound self-love and self-acceptance in arguably the most powerful statement of human love, connection and experience of an ‘expanded self’?

Such a level of depth, true intimacy and absolute conjoining – where the other person’s soul literally walks through your own, and where two people are completely merged with full emotional access and disclosure without fear (true intimacy – ‘in-to-me-see’) –  requires an incredible level of trust, wholeness and personal authenticity.

As sexual adults, have we experienced this level of true divine sexual communion, or have we just been having great body orgasms?

Or maybe we haven’t been having great orgasms at all…

Even worse, maybe our sex life came at a terrible price, because it was connected to a relationship with a narcissist.

 

Our Healing Regarding Sex With Narcissists

During this article my intention is to bring the power back to ourselves.

We have no ability to grow, develop, heal or change any of our patterns or experiences until we take responsibility for them. This 100% personal responsibility is the deep understanding – “Life is not happening to me, it is happening through me.”

For all of us, our true power and liberation lies in deeply accepting and doing the work on: “What were my blind-spots that allowed this to happen to me?”

I need to let you know…I am not holding back on this topic, in as far as what we all need to realise to get well – not just in regard to narcissists –  but with ourselves and life. And how we can STOP feeding narcissists the very lifeblood that enables them to exist and operate.

Sex, I believe, is one of, if not the biggest narcissist’s Food Source.

Those of you who thought this article would just be a crack at the narcissist may be disappointed. Those of you who are dedicated fiercely to your own emancipation, personal growth and development won’t be.

Many, many people believe opposites come together. However, because we live in the energetic system of life, Law of Attraction, which states ‘that which is like itself will be drawn to self’, I totally disagree.

It is in fact a quantum physics impossibility for ‘opposites to come together’. This would be like saying, “When I am in a stinking bad mood, all this GREAT stuff happens to me!” Or, “When my vibration is high, and full of peace, love and acceptance all this HORRIBLE stuff keeps happening!”

Quite frankly the theory is ludicrous and incredibly self-defeating if we think this: It is because I was so ‘whole’ had so much to offer, and was such a wonderful, joyful and giving person that I was targeted by a narcissist. (Many abuse forums love pushing this theory).

Why is it so powerless? Because it means we don’t believe we have to change anything about ourselves. So we remain victimised by ‘what someone did to us’, never look inside for answers, development and growth, and wait around for something or someone else to change so that our life can get better.

In all the work I have ever done helping people heal from narcissistic abuse, the most powerful and lasting results have always come from healing what it is within ourselves that matches the narcissist.

In other words, our own unconsciousness – our own gaps that are not allowing us to be ‘whole’. Time and time again, finding and targeting those wounds have proven conclusively to be the total reason for the hooks, the obsession, the pain and the powerlessness – and once these wounds are addressed and released – true liberation begins.

As such, for me to be true to my work and mission – which is to help people raise their own consciousness in order to heal from abuse – I have included in this article powerful self-reflections so that the truth can start to set you free.

I promise you this: narcissists are the most powerful force on the planet reflecting back to us our own unhealed wounds. This presents an incredible opportunity to embrace self-reflection in order to heal into your fullest potential – if you accept the truth of this.

 

Great Sex With a Narcissist

Some people report great sex with the narcissist. For these people this is often one of the greatest hooks to try to break free from –  the missing of the wonderful sex.

Mind you, there are many, many more people who report all sorts of ‘sick’, ‘twisted’, mind-bending and off-putting sex with a narcissist. (I will get to these later.)

So we can ask, “How can a pathological liar, who has no resources to genuinely care or be connected to and love another person healthily, be a part of such a great sexual union?”

To understand this we need to look at other areas of life when the narcissist is operating vertically. The narcissist is incredibly capable of deceiving, acting and using any method necessary to produce the desired result.

Sex is no different. However, there is a very good reason for certain narcissists being ‘great lovers’ that you may or may not know about.

Their sexual attributes and perfected craft have nothing to do with generating ‘Oneness’ or granting you the gift of their love and devoted touch – it is all to do with feeding their ego.

When you understand this, you know that the multiple orgasms they insisted on you having had nothing to do with wanting to please you, despite the declarations that they were. It was all about the narcissists being able to create a version of themselves as the ‘ultimate lover’.

You truly could have been ‘any object’ that they used as the workbench to ‘better their personal best if possible’. The truth is, if you are making love with a narcissist; you are the object they are masturbating with.

The narcissist is only making love to his or her true master – a twisted, demanding , never-satisfied and never-reassured False Self.

Additionally, if sex is ‘your thing’, and the narcissist knows it creates a dependency and gives him or her any ‘easy out’ after atrocious behaviour, copious amounts of good sex may be the weapon of choice.

It’s one of the narcissist’s ‘get out of jail free’ cards.

I have received many messages, emails and posts, and conducted research over the years on the people who had great sex with narcissists. The common thread I find is that the person the narcissist acts it out with is also highly sexed. The narcissist uses it as a tool to cover over bad behaviour, get the partner ‘to make up and shut up’ and to keep sexual partners hooked and addicted to the narcissist to provide ample narcissistic supply – whilst he or she continues abusing.

What is commonly reported by the partners, who enjoy regular and great sex with narcissists, is:  their own need for sex would override their limits and stop them from honouring their personal boundaries.

At times (or mostly), even after horrendous narcissistic abuse, they would acquiesce to ‘make-up’ sex to fulfil their own addiction.

This provides one of the greatest power trips for a narcissist: I can infiltrate you, your body and your psychic space to get a feed, no matter how badly I treat you.

You need to understand this – being sexually turned on by another’s powerlessness, helplessness and emotional devastation and fear, and then having access to their bodies regardless (which TOTALLY means ‘without regard’) is exactly what makes paedophiles tick.

It is NOT love, it IS psychopathic.

Being able to be turned on after feeling powerless, helpless and emotionally devastated – if we are honest with ourselves – is absolutely NOT healthy either.

Can you imagine if your child grew up playing that out; how concerned you would be?

Naturally, many of these people who had great sex with the narcissist, after the disintegration of the relationship, discovered that the ‘great sex’ was not exclusive. In fact, the narcissist commonly was using this weapon and power-trip on many others as well.

The truth is, if we are addicted to sex to try to fill an inner empty void, and selling our soul to receive it, we are very, very susceptible to being abused at an incredibly deep violating level.

We also keep supplying narcissists with all the feedback that says: Yes come in, abuse me, hurt me and I’ll still let you take the most precious part of me.

One of The Community members sent me this message privately – and it’s a powerful one which I feel compelled to share. As a NARP member I am sure she understands why…

“In retrospect I can see that the N gained entry into my spiritual space through weak “doors” in my personality. During sex it’s like I’m literally opening all of these doors – yes I’m lonely, yes I self sabotage, yes I agree to be a piece of property, yes I have no boundaries, yes I am a piece of meat, yes you can suck my energy, come in and take it all! I have a feeling that the sex was so good because the perpetrator is celebrating all of my weaknesses, and in an ultimate act of self sabotage and belief of non-deservedness I’m celebrating them too.”

The Self-reflection Healing Question…

“If I am handing over sex, even after being abused, in order to try to feel safe and whole – what is the powerless young part of myself which believes: It’s okay for people who are supposed to love me and take care of me to abuse me?”

 

The 3 Reasons Why Most Narcissists Are Highly Sexed

Number 1: Narcissistic supply

Sex is one of the most powerful methods a narcissist has to procure narcissistic supply – the attention that allows the narcissist to know that he or she exists. The real reason ‘outside energy’ is so necessary to a narcissist is: because he or she is an inward spiralling black-hole that can’t sustain his or her own energy; he/she needs to continually suck life-force to emotionally survive.

This constant need for narcissistic supply is frenetically sought so that the narcissist doesn’t collapse into the empty oblivion of his or her own inner self.

Sex is easy. It’s cheap and readily available, and a high source of narcissistic supply. It provides copious amounts of psychic energy granted by another, as well as secures people as an ongoing source of narcissistic supply.

Narcissists are consummate liars, and have no issue in telling someone what they want to hear in order to hand over sex. Narcissists are the ultimate sexual predators.

Narcissists commonly have back-up supplies. They store sexual sources – akin to crocodiles keeping lumps of meat under rocks for a future meal.

Facebook Members posted these comments about this topic:

“He would say “We are the best together.” I came to find out, those exact words were spoken during the act with multiple women.”

“He bragged about how passionate we were with one another. He would always ask me to tell him how much I loved him and to promise that we’d “be together forever.” I went on several dating sites and he has many profiles.”

“He always had people on the back burner he was always carrying in and lying about it. So he was in multiple stages of relationships simultaneously like revolving doors.”

The Self-reflection Healing Question…

“If I connect to someone who is not a source of their own energy, and needs to get it from the outside frantically – what are my own wounds stopping me from being a True Source of energy to myself?”

Number 2: Addictive relief

Sex also grants the added bonus of a heightened state, which provides relief. Like all activities, which provide altered and heightened states, such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or extreme sports, sex is a common obsession with addicts.

The sex addiction with narcissists is played out with real life people and / or porn, dating sites, group sex, swinging, strippers and prostitutes. Sex is sex. Narcissists traditionally are not fussy who it comes from, or in what form – and this can sometimes include same-gender sex, even if the narcissist declares being straight.

I was not surprised when many people in the Community posted and messaged me about the seedy sexual discoveries and even promiscuous bi-sexuality their narcissistic partners were involved in.

Narcissists seldom use sexual protection, and have no conscience about putting others at risk of sexually transmitted diseases. The narcissist has no respect for his or her physical wellbeing (as addicts don’t), which always translates as ‘no care’ for others.

All addictions boil down to the same compulsion – I am escaping facing and dealing with the emotional anxiety within myself, by using an addiction to self-avoid.

Please understand this: It is the relief of escaping self that is so addictive for the narcissist (or any addict).

This is the plight of sex with the narcissist: “I am so into you, and ‘feel’ love, and intense connection to you BECAUSE you distract me from my own demons.”

Many, many narcissists use sex regularly for self-avoiding.

That is not genuine love. By stark contrast, it is pathological obsession.

ALL pathological obsession leads to pathological abuse. Because when you (the drug) no longer create an adequate ‘high’ to help the narcissist escape those demons, those demons will be projected on to you and the narcissist will try to get relief from them by tearing you down.

Facebook members posted these comments:

“He blamed me for his lack of interest and sleeping with him too soon (4th date) after we met – I was too ‘easy’.”

“He could literally slap my face, emotionally traumatize me verbally and immediately pull off both of our clothings to f—. It was a brutally humiliating crescendo to the final act in my play of narcissistic players.”

The Self-reflection Healing Question…

“If I am involved in an obsessive sexual relationship with a narcissist – what are my wounds, which are causing me to self-avoid, and causing me to be prone to the highs of addiction and abuse and drama filled sex and ‘love’?”

Number 3: Power Seeking

Sex grants the narcissist another bonus – power wielding.

This point, Number 3, deserves much more explanation than the previous two points – because there is many, many ways a narcissist can use sex to power-trip.

I’ll divide this point into sections…

1) Sexual conquests

Narcissists often perfect their wooing techniques, and have a highly stocked romantic kitbag. Many of them find it is incredibly easy to make the right sounds and promises to create someone trusting, opening up and bearing their bedroom, body and life to them.

Those who discover the extent of what narcissists will say and do to get people handing over sex, are naturally shocked.

I received that proof myself, as I know many of you did as well.

Many narcissists are excited and turned on by a challenge. They tend to quickly devalue sources, who they get bored with quickly, and prefer someone who is not so easily manipulated. Because narcissists tend to be serial daters, and often have had numerous serial affairs, they may have a great deal of savvy to know what does or doesn’t work when circling their next prey.

Sexual conquering is a powertrip for the narcissist.

Narcissists are conscienceless, everyone is simply an object to serve the narcissist’s insatiable, unrelenting need for outside energy and attention, or to be used as a device to ‘prove’ how powerful, special, unique or notorious the narcissist is.

After the narcissist has secured his or her new source of narcissistic supply (there is likely to already be existing ones, just think ‘crocodile’), a narcissist within an amount of time will commonly start using sex as a form of cruelty and punishment.

One member posted his experience, which was consistent for virtually all of us…

“It was her “honeymoon” or “love-bombing” stage, I was completely smitten by her charm, the sex was good, at first, very intense eye-contact, lots of cuddling, whispering and it felt real, it really really felt like mutual sincere affection for each other, and that was wonderful.”

The Self-reflection Healing Question…

“If I have been swept off my feet into a sexual relationship with a narcissist, because he or she acted and said what I wanted to hear – what is it that I don’t know, love or approve of within myself?”

2) Reducing others with sex

Naturally, sexuality is an incredibly vulnerable position where we would like to be treated with loyalty, integrity and respect.  The narcissist can demean and exploit sexually, push people past boundaries they are comfortable with, or withhold sex if that creates more emotional pain.

If sex is a high need for a partner, the narcissist (who may be sexually demanding with a less sexual partner) can refuse sex and condemn the partner as a nymphomaniac, or taunt them with promises of sex and let them down at the last minute with excuses.

Naturally, the narcissist is a master of projection and blame. The other person’s humiliation and disappointment will be turned into the narcissist being wronged.

One of the cruel ways a narcissist can confuse and hook someone is to hint, or ‘innocently’ openly discuss the sexual talents of former partners, or even degrade someone by saying they will never measure up.

This is effectively used on sexual partners who the narcissist has identified as having doubts regarding their own ‘desirability’. This hooks such people into handing over copious amounts of sex, whilst trying to win the narcissist’s sexual approval, or simply punishes them into feeling inadequate.

This is what Facebook Members posted about this topic:

“… had loads of pictures of his ex girlfriends “in action” with him and others guys/girls. I never made it there, since my body was wrecked and covered with stretch marks. He told me that he’d never felt attracted to me because of my battlefield body.”

“I always felt like I was in bed with 2 or more other women, when in bed with him as he would always talk about his sexual experiences with these women. It was awful now I know what I was dealing with and can’t believe I would get into bed with him and listen to it. Then have sex and think he must be so sexy to have so many women wanting him like that.”

“Then he used it (sex) as a weapon and another way to measure my worth. He made me feel like I wasn’t any good and couldn’t satisfy him. There was constant pressure for threesomes regardless of how I felt and he would treat me like a failure for not giving in.”

The Self-reflection Healing Question…

“If I have been taunted, abused and demeaned by a narcissist sexually – what is it that I don’t know and believe about my worthiness that I am trying to get confirmed through another person’s approval?”

3) Objectifying others with sex

Many narcissists’ sexualise their sexual partners by referring to their sexual parts and calling them names that relate to their sexual parts, or constantly discussing sex with them. The narcissist may demean a partner’s sexual parts or sexual ability in front of others. The narcissist may send and demand pictures of sexual parts.

This is what people posted:

“At first I enjoyed what felt like intense chemistry, but then noted odd comments and behaviors that felt degrading and as though I was more an object than a person.”

“My ex always suggested another man doing me so he could watch..I would question it and he would say “I was just kidding”.. I don’t think so!”

“I remember her being only aware of herself during sex and being really turned off by it. It’s such a strange phenomena. It really made me feel ignored and unimportant like a tool.”

 The Self-reflection Healing Question…

“If I have been sexualised by a narcissist – what is it about myself that I objectify? Why do I see and treat myself as an ‘object’, rather than loving and accepting myself deeply and authentically?”

4) Condemning others with sex

Narcissists commonly work hard to get people to open up and share their past with them, and then use the details of a person’s sexual past to throw in their face and abuse them with later.

The narcissists that decide to use withholding sex as a weapon to hurt their partners, can do so by flirting and promising sex, then reneging at the last moment – and twisting facts to blame that person – or may label them a sex addict.

Community members posted:

“He was a withholder of sex and affection. Absolutely. When I tried to talk to him about it he would try and shame me by saying I had a sex addiction (although really I was just saying once every 2 or 3 months wasn’t ok with me).

“…would literally pull away from me, or promise it and then not participate, and then blame me for him not wanting it.”

The Self-reflection Healing Question…

“If I have been sexually condemned by a narcissist – what is the self-condemnation I have regarding my sexual self? What is the guilt or shame I carry about my own sexuality?”

5) The use of props and toys

Narcissists love toys, gadgets, and props that create ‘a third entity’ between him or her and the partner, and will push wanting these props forth whether the partner feels comfortable with them or not. The narcissist may be rough with these devices and enjoy inflicting pain and / or humiliation.

The narcissist may insist on watching porn, or using sex-enhancing drugs, such as viagra, even if that is not something that their partner would normally do. These props may extend to the request or demand for another body or bodies in the bed, or ‘swinging’. Ultimately, through the use of these props, like any addict, the narcissist is looking for a greater high, a greater ‘personal best’ – and ‘more, more, more’. All of which is a barrier to true intimacy and connection, and to ensure that the partner is reduced to a mere ‘object’ along with these props.

This is what Community Members wrote in regard to this topic:

“The dating sites, chat sites, porn sites, DVDs etc. that had been a constant source to him for years it seems, came out only after we had our son. All his fantasy obsessions were of school girls which makes so much sense now that he has a new supply barely out of her teens. He was setting up a new fantasy long before I walked out.”

“…realized he was into porn and masturbation. All the time he was degrading me with emotional abuse.”

“If I was sensual he couldn’t get turned on. I realize now it was all about power and control. He was also addicted to porn, online dating and strippers.”

“So, not only had I already begun to feel devalued because it had dawned on me that I had to “be someone else” (play a role, dress up) in bed. Now he wasn’t even really interacting with the character I was playing…he was so engrossed by whatever porn he was watching.”

Self-reflection Healing Question…

“If I have been a part of tools and props with a narcissist avoiding true intimate connection – what are the parts of me that are terrified of authentic connection and intimacy?”

6) Pathological Infidelity

Sexuality grants the narcissist the opportunity to instil grave insecurity, incite jealousy and triangulate – and play divide and conquer with multiple sexual partners.

Another powerful tool the narcissist has in his or her arsenal is to accuse a partner of infidelity. Often when this is the case many people are literally devastated and shocked when they discover the multiple sexual affairs the narcissist themself was having despite all their declarations of righteousness, monogamy and exclusivity.

We may think this is unthinkable behaviour, yet to a narcissist it makes perfect sense because sexual conquests, and getting another person to succumb, is a great source of narcissistic supply and a wonderful self provided ego stroke (power-trip). New sexual hook ups, and circling between different sources of narcissistic supply are needed to provide this.

Even the most ‘devoted narcissist’ does this without any regret or remorse. The narcissist can’t perceive anything that isn’t done to him or her as a breach of trust or loyalty. The narcissist simply does not have the brain-wiring to feel empathy for others – even people he or she has ‘vowed’ to love.

This were related posts on Facebook:

“Withheld from me but happy to share with others. I wasn’t model material in his eyes. He was too good for me apparently.”

“You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that this man who was so shy about sex was cheating on me.”

Self-reflection Healing Question…

“If I have experienced infidelity and deception with a narcissist – what parts of me have caused me to self- abandon and deceive myself?”

 

How is This ‘Love’ or ‘Lovemaking’?

Truly, I could take this much further…but I won’t.

Firstly, because the article would be too long, and also because this has all become quite distasteful…

I truly have to remind myself whilst digging in amongst the ‘seediness’ of narcissistic sex, that there is a much greater and more important cause going on here, that makes this article so worth producing – the necessary mission to clean ourselves up so that no longer are we going to attract, maintain and experience the devastation of sexual / soul violation, and most importantly so that we are no longer food for narcissists.

I think when we lay all of this out in front of us, we can see clearly – this was not love, it wasn’t connection, and it wasn’t healthy. As Sam Vaknin says regarding the narcissist sexually:

“He idealizes his nearest and dearest not because he is smitten by emotion – but because he needs to captivate them and to convince himself that they are worthy Sources of Supply, despite their flaws and mediocrity. Once he deems them useless, he discards and devalues them similarly cold-bloodedly. A predator, always on the lookout, he debases the coin of “love” as he corrupts everything else in himself and around him.”

Now…who are we in this?

We have no power to stop narcissists using people as objects, and we have no ability to change them, or get them to ‘fix’ what they have done. Our responsibility and true power lies in healing ourselves. Having the courage to recognise we are the generative source of our own experience, and therefore we are responsible for becoming the model of self-love, self-respect and self-wholeness that we wish to meet in another.

When enough of us do this – one person at a time – there will no longer be food (including sex) for narcissists, and we will no longer keep the generational cycles of abuse and abused going.

Then, and only then, will the horrible incurable virus that we know as ‘narcissism’, become extinct.

I hope this article has given you the courage to deeply look within – as I and so many people have humbly needed to do – in order to heal.

I look forward to your comments and questions below…

And if you are not yet a member of my Facebook page please sign up here so you can join in on these discussions.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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115 Thoughts on The 50 Shades Of The Narcissist
  • trhnsn@gmail.com'
    Teri
    August 14, 2014

    Wow. Thanks for the great article. Sex with my N was like getting raped. It was never great because it was all about him. But as time went by (25 years) it was just another tool he used to get what he wanted and it was very violating. He got very deep into porn, secret vigra pills, and the sex toys were gross. I never could understand the need for any toys as I always felt my other partners were equipped with everything that was ever needed to have sex. I truly began to feel like a whore, not even a high paid prostitute, but a whore. He had no respect for me at all. I know I need some healing in that department if I ever want to have a whole relationship with another man. Is good to know I am not alone and my experience was not that uncommon with a narcissist.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2014

      Hi Teri,

      You are so welcome. It is so true that there is something so unwholesome about the way sex felt with a narc (for many of us).

      Totally your experience sadly is a universal one, purely because of the unconsciousness that has been so prevalent in the human condition…on both sides of the fence – abuser and abused.

      Mel xo

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      kay
      August 15, 2014

      This is so spot on! Thank you!
      I am wondering if certain drugs and additives in foods can exacerbate Narcissism. My ex drank huge amounts of artificially sweetened sodas whilst in Gulf War 1 in Saudi Arabia(Desert Storm/Desert Shield). I am wondering if aspartame does something to the portion of the brain responsible for empathetic feelings. People who knew him before and after that time period said he definitely changed, although the narcissism was always there. What do you think?

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 15, 2014

        Hi Kay,

        the truth is ‘breathing air’ exasperates narcissism!

        You see the issues are coming from ‘within’ –
        the issue of narcissism is due to intense disowned, unattended to inner wounds.

        Maybe something ‘triggered him over’ more…and this can happen – perhaps, but it is much likely to be something ’emotional’ rather than ‘chemical’.

        If it is narcissism, then it is a Personality Disorder, and as time goes on narcissists get worse with age…

        Because the festering unattended to inner wounds accumulate.

        Mel xo

      • mmq665@hotmail.com'
        Jo
        March 2, 2018

        I study Functional Medicine and also believe there is a gut brain link leading to narcissism and other brain disorders.

    • lucyelizabethtaylour@gmail.com'
      sternschnuppe
      February 12, 2018

      What modules do you do for this?

  • babycatcher33@windowslive.com'
    Val Flett
    August 14, 2014

    Even this far down the track it still blows my mind that you consistently seem to be writing the story of my life whilst with the N. ….lol…thanks Melanie for once again reaffirming what it was and showing me just how far I’ve come in the past 15 months…love your work hun ♡

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2014

      Hi Val,

      It still ‘blows my mind’ too Val, how I am led week after week to write stuff I had no idea I was going to write.

      The entire process is divinely guided 🙂

      I am so thrilled beyond words for you Val – that you are doing so well!

      Lots of love to you darl!

      Mel xo

  • mydogrudy@comcast.net'
    Deb
    August 14, 2014

    It is hard for me to believe that not too long ago, I considered my sex with the Narc the best I had ever had. I was literally addicted to him. In hindsight, of course, I see many of the behaviors he exhibited as you described in this article, Mel. It’s actually quite astounding.

    Equally astounding was my determination to ignore all of the red flags and intuitive signals I was feeling. He was just ‘off’ in many ways. Referred to parts as if they were a different entity altogether. Something I found incredibly bizarre and had never experienced before.

    Yes, I’m a highly sexual person and this has given me real food for thought. Thank you for writing this article, I appreciate it. And the healing goes on….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2014

      Hi Deb,

      I am so pleased this article has been revealing – and therefore empowering for you.

      The truth is the most powerful force that sets us free – when we embrace and are determined to embody it by working on ourselves.

      It takes a lot of courage and high levels of character to take responsibility for ‘self’ and I commend you for it.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      kay
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Deb,
      Yes, it is amazing how we ignore the red flags. Women are taught to please everyone else but themselves and this is part of that ignoring of red flags and danger signs.

  • zinzi40@gmail.com'
    zinzi
    August 14, 2014

    Thank you for this article….the story of my relationship with the N. I am healing now and i feel good but i am damage so much in the sex thing that i have no more sexual feelings now for more than 2 years since i left the N. He had men came over and let them pay to have sex with me, he watched… The most sick ideas he had, toys, porn, rape, swinging, all kinds off drugs and other women the more the better. I can’t stand the idea that i will be with a man again….i know rationally speaking there are good men out there but……i’ll skip.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Zinzi,

      this is so normal after what you have been through., yet I promise you it doesn’t have to be that way.

      Because when we do the inner work and release the traumas and wounds stuck in our body (subconscious) then we emerge more ‘healthy’ about love, and sexual communion than we have ever been – even before the abuse.

      The narcissist was in effect bringing these wounds to the surface so that we could evolve them.

      Of course you can choose to not ‘go there’ – which would be perfectly humanely understandable – however that is not your only choice – and may not be the highest choice.

      When we are healed and whole then we can navigate love and sex wholesomely, and we can understand it would be self-defeating to ‘try’ it before that time.

      If you’d love to know how to get the trauma out of your body, about the abuse, (not just the sexual aspect), I’d love you to come into my next Free On-Line Webinar https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thankyou-step2.html

      Mel xo

  • rozanne@rozannehenry.com'
    Rozanne
    August 14, 2014

    Yes the self reflection questions are powerful. I too have asked myself where am I betraying myself. Where am I being dishonest about myself. Where am I still hiding truth about me whether that is my spiritual beliefs which others may frown upon – whether I am hiding my gifts and passions and strengths so that I remain feeling small and inadequate. Whether I am still walking around with someone else’s voice and not my own.

    And yes no authentic intimacy has been experienced. For me the absence of eye contact which i yearned for tells me I could not bear to “see” myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Rozanne,

      Those self-inwards questions are so powerful – and I totally agree…

      When we see that what was reflected back was something we were generating for ourself in order to heal and grow – EVERYTHING changes!

      Because, finally – we can heal our life.

      That last self-reflection you wrote Rosanne, is very powerful, and I am sure many people if they are honest with themselves will totally relate to it.

      The true work starts always within…

      Mel xo

      • arlinejernigan67@gmail.com'
        arline
        September 8, 2015

        Thank you for those healing questions, and whilst I was again shaking my head yes, to a lot of what I experienced, and could have read more, I found myself getting squirmy, because I am really more interested and determined, to up level and heal my wounds around sexual shame and of believing that I am an object or property.

        You provide enough information about the narc, to wake us up, and continue to remind of us about where the solution is.

        I am so grateful. I have plenty of work to do.

        I also appreciate, that I am not alone in this, and that we can heal, you and other thrivers are proving that to me.

        xoxo
        Arline

  • winnie.ramsey@live.dk'
    Winnie Ramsey
    August 14, 2014

    Thanks you from my heart – a most welcome article and a topic that has caused so much heart ace.
    So grateful to you Melanie.

  • ogugertrude@gmail.com'
    Trudy Teo
    August 14, 2014

    I have been following your articles but there is still some thing i can’t understand about him. Can someone tell me, what kind of person would refer marrying the woman they claim to love as buying a person in African culture even after having a 4.8 yrs old son with her? in other words, making our relationship formal is not important to him as long as he supports the family!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Trudy,

      this is exactly why narcissistic abuse is SO insidious – is because we can’t wrap our head around it..

      Hence why we have to heal the trauma – no logical ‘understanding’ grants relief.

      Mel xo

  • martaray535@gmail.com'
    Martha
    August 14, 2014

    HI Mel, I intend to bookmark this page! It will remind me of all I went through for 13 years, before I knew about narcissistic abuse.

    Unfortunately he is still my neighbor! He goes away for work and then suddenly returns with another woman/man. This happened last week-end. A young woman this time, last time it was a middle aged alcoholic, the time before a man dressed as a woman, and inbetween his cousins wife, and all the one night stands and prostitutes………he is good at sex having been at it since he was 9 (abused by older women)……but the complete detachment afterwards was killing, and it never changed……so now I actually feel rather sorry for him, he doesnt have that power any longer……..but I will keep your article……….for when he returns with the next victim!

    Thanks Mel. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Martha,

      I am glad the article helped.

      Untimely rather than trying to ‘cope’ with the information – you could do the deep inner work on you.

      When that happens the outside must change also. Either he would move away, or you would have the means to.

      Mel xo

  • rubsandsam@yahoo.com'
    Samantha Bartlett
    August 14, 2014

    I have been waiting for this article since I saw your first post on the matter and it does not disappoint. It is almost like reading about my own encounter with the Narc and my own insecurities. It is both encouraging and disturbing to know that I am not alone in this experience. The information I have gained from you Mel haso been the grounding I needed to be able to let go of the relationship and the hurt and see it all in perspective. I am now able to feel grateful to the universe for the opportunity to learn about myself and how important it is to learn and grow as a person. Something I know I wouldn’t have been aware of if I hadn’t had the relationship. My father was also a Narc and I have been able to identify my reactions and beliefs (and perseived needs) from incidents that happened to me in childhood. I am extremely grateful to you for sharing your experience and findings, and to all the members for their (unfortunately not very) unique stories and experiences. I fear there is a long way to go before the ability to trust a sexual relationship returns to me, as my view is totally distorted now but I know it’s my work to do. Thank you Melanie and all your members. Samantha x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Samantha,

      I am so glad the article resonated with you – and that you are on the journey of ‘you’.

      You are so welcome Samantha, and don’t fear that it will be a long time, just nestle into the incredible joy of developing and growing you…and then watch the wonderful things unfold.

      That’s all you need to orientate on! And truly that will all take care of itself, just by you releasing what isn’t your truth and organically reclaiming what is.

      Mel xo

  • africa21@tpg.com.au'
    Tanya
    August 14, 2014

    Great article thanks Mel!
    For me, the most bizarre thing was knowing how different my narc was with me compared to his ex wife.
    With her , after harrassing her to have sex before marriage (they were strong christians), he then withheld sex after the honeymoon for 20 years!(apart from a couple of times begged for by her). He showed no interest in this gorgeous, sexy woman and was certainly not jealous or accusing her of infidelity at any time. Apparently though, when it rarely did happen he had no potency problem at all.
    With me he wanted sex all the time BUT had trouble with erection. He was also insanely jealous and accused me of desiring everyone from his best friend to a guy I told him I disliked at my gym and wanting to sleep with them.
    Totally opposite experiences! Fascinating!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Tanya,

      You are very welcome!

      Narcissists acting different with different people is very consistent.

      If you read my article on this blog “Narcissists are Chameleons and Empty Voids” you will understand why.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jennifer.dugena@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    August 14, 2014

    Mel you’re SO SPOT-ON again!!!

    the narc-ex i had was almost all of the above you wrote.

    in the early part of our relationship, he’d withold sex, but first he’d promise it. he’d set a date & then in the last minute, he’d bail out. when i got angry, he’d turn the tables & say it was me who was addicted to sex.

    then, after a few months, he’d demand sex & even if i was giving him what he wanted, he’d get angry if I’d say no once a while.

    he claims he wants to give me pleasure but I never had an orgasm in the 14 yrs we were together. one time, he literally withold himself just when I was at the peak of achieving pleasure.

    in the later years, he got off by rough sex – but I suspect he’s always been like this he was just repressing it.

    i think the idea that narcs were good in sex was just the perception of partners who are addicted to the narc’s manipulations, witholding and pseudogiving pleasure. the dynamic was like a slot machine where the expectation of a win felt better than actually winning.

    after breaking up with the narc, I felt the first thing I needed to heal was how I perceived sex and how I viewed myself as a sexual being.

    I realized, i was looking at myself – I was looking at what I thought was pleasurable from the eyes of a narc, or from the eyes of others. it was a tremendous paradigm shift for me. I never saw sex – the act of receiving & giving pleasure – from my eyes.

    i realized that I was pleasured by what others find pleasurable not from what I felt was pleasurable.

    I had to clear this perspective, pattern & belief system from out of me — & I realized most women in our current culture probably thought the same way. I had to overhaul my whole perspective to be able to see and feel sex from my own standards of pleasure – emotionally, physically, psychologically.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Jennifer,

      it is so true that when with a narc, our values (when you weren’t solid and could be dismantled – not enough self-love, self-belief) dissolved away in the ‘need’ to take on the narc’ values.

      This was our ‘gaps’ of hanging on, not risking losing him / her – because of our fears of abandonment, criticism and / or rejection / punishment – and consequently not being true to ourselves.

      This is the eroding away of ‘me’ and more and more of ‘the other person’.

      I believe the high was so BIG for some people with narcs sex-wise because (you have it right) – there is SO MUCH relief in the sex as opposed to abuse.

      This is exactly what Stockholm syndrome is about – ‘you can live for now’…relieving the fear of ‘when am I going to die?’

      Thank you for your post 🙂

      Mel xo

  • marrohop@hotmail.com'
    Sue
    August 14, 2014

    The sex with my ex-narc husband was disgusting.
    Felt like a blow up doll.
    He wore women’s clothes whilst in the act of sex and referred to himself as Stephnie.
    No pleasure for me – just himself.
    Absent of love and consideration for no-one
    just himself. Hie was jailed for rapeing his ex-wife and put her into a mental hospital.
    Makes my skin creep thinking about it. Think he may have homosexual tendies too. Still recovering from the trama.

  • bcuerden@gmail.com'
    becca
    August 14, 2014

    I was with him for 23 years. The sex was mind blowing. Literally. Which made me unable to answer the question that always arose afterwards, why does he have to pick a fight and break the bond we created (or I thought we had) the very next day! It was always a pattern of drawing me in, overpowering me, and then breaking that loving feeling for the smallest of reasons. And in really nasty unnecessary ways.Why did he not want to stay in that loving bubble? But there were other icky things too. And I should have trusted the ‘ick’ factor. Often I felt like a ‘project’- “the workbench” you spoke of in the radio show. He was proving something to himself- that he was the greatest lover in the world etc. As if there was someone else in the room with us giving him points for every time I had an orgasm. EWWWW. The pattern was repeated so many times, until yeah, I was hit over the head with a two-by-four and the realization that HE LIKED IT THAT WAY. He was unable to bond properly with another person.
    Once I realized he was lying to me, I withdrew and could not face having sex with him again. Then I found out he had been keeping others on the back burner. The crocodile phenomenon. I found letters from a woman he had known for 20 years where she realized he had been lying to both of us simultaneously! Once I confronted him with the knowledge- then it was the mask ripped off. He turned into a snarling crocodile and the abuse was ramped up. I was forced to leave. He replaced me with another really nice woman within 6 months.
    She is lending him money to buy out my share of our family home!! You cannot make this stuff up. It is too surreal. I guess she doesn’t want him to have any problems.
    I was one of those who believed that love could heal everything and anything. I did not understand any of the crazy behaviours until I found out about NPD. So fortunately, two months after I left, I found this site and the NARP program. A year and a half later- I have a fantastic new job, am moving into a lovely community and have discovered a whole new spiritual dimension in my life. I know now that the N corrupts everything he touches. It’s just a matter of time.
    Thank you Melanie for persisting in your amazing work. You have saved me again and again from the corrupting and corroding influence. I still practice NARP, as I travel through the horrors of the legal system. I don’t want that poison in my body.
    I also want to share another site I have come upon recently, after having the thought- What would these sorts of people have been called in the past? Answer: Liars and Cheaters. At that point, the very next day, I googled liars and cheaters and found this other amazing site. Like Melanie, she calls it as she sees it, with amazing humour, and in a community of people dedicated to moving on. I hope you don’t mind if I share it Melanie. I think you will find you have lots in common with Chump Lady. We are all chumps here. The Reconciliation Industrial Complex thrives on our chumpiness, as do the Narcs in our lives. http://chumplady.com/

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Becca,

      wow what a journey you’ve had!

      I totally relate – I also used to believe ‘love conquers all’ – now I know how to stop loving until it hurts and love myself enough to stop the pain (thank goodness!)

      I am so pleased Becca you have been working NARP and have had such a wonderful transformation in your life – you are SO welcome 🙂

      Great you are shifting your body stuff out – to create an outer result…so important in times like you are going through legally.

      Lovely Becca that you are sharing like-minded people’s work – always welcome!

      Mel xo

  • maggie.sanmiguel@gmai.com'
    maggie
    August 14, 2014

    Shocking and so true! I found myself, while reading this article, with eyes wide open, jaw gaping! This WAS my relationship with my ex Narc. Funny, Mel….once you write on a subject, I always find myself reeling and in the moment realize just how damaging that relationship was for my soul. NARP and you have saved my life. It’s 6 months out from that horrid man and I finally walk around without a thought of him in my head every day. He pops up in my thoughts occasionally but you helped me banish him almost totally. Thank you! Still working on me……

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Maggie,

      Yay I love that you have been able to shift the dis-ease out and get clear!!

      You are so welcome..

      Beautiful 🙂

      Mel xo

    • aallen0922@yahoo.com'
      Annie
      April 29, 2019

      My estranged husband of 1 year is a 17 year missionary. Turns out he uses is talent in construction of foreign churches and religion as fuel. He brags about his grandsons remembering him as a great missionary when they grow up. He gets money from church members to go on these trips yet he has enough real property he could sell and have the money. He had an affair with a native on a mission trip to Dominican Republic.
      His finances are a mess, he is a hoarder, he never opens his mail, he admits he hates women, and sex with him is all about impressions. This is his third marriage and his first wife and kids are flying monkeys.
      He slobbered all over me, stabbed his tongue down my throat, and never actually acted as if he enjoyed any of the sex.
      I pray for his soul. I pray I can follow your advice and divorce him.

  • fuzzybunnystew@yahoo.com'
    Mary
    August 15, 2014

    Thank you so much for this article! I appreciate all of your suggestions for ways in which I can do the necessary inner work to facilitate my healing from this experience. I relate to so many of the points that you mentioned. What I at first thought was an amazing singular attraction turned to one of painful manipulation and ugly situations. As a child, I was abused by my father for years, so the end of my unhealthy marriage is a gift for helping me clear up that initial pain that led me into the relationship with the narc. Thank you for the empowering work that you do. It’s been so helpful in me moving into a healthy and loving relationship with myself.

    • fuzzybunnystew@yahoo.com'
      Mary
      August 15, 2014

      Is there a way to remove this comment? I didn’t realize my photo would come up with the avatar. Thank you!

      • fuzzybunnystew@yahoo.com'
        Mary
        August 15, 2014

        I seemed to have gotten the photo issue resolved. Thank you so much for all you do!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Mary,

      you are so welcome.

      There you have the golden key – totally ‘…is a gift for helping me clear up that initial pain…’

      And I adore that you are moving into a healthy and loving relationship with yourself.

      Just gorgeous!

      Thank you for your post Mary 🙂

      Mel xo

  • coachmaryellen@gmail.com'
    Mary Ellen
    August 15, 2014

    So sorry I didn’t get a chance to reply on the facebook thread! I married a narc I met in the swing lifestyle. We were both single when we met. I thought I was an empowered woman expressing my sexuality. He was a high level covert narc, sexual predator, porn addict and sex addict, waiting for his next source. A part of me knew it, I started counseling to try to sort it out, and then went on to suppress my screaming intuition.

    For G rated purposes, lets just say there was no normal sexual intimacy, and it was only good for him if I was with someone else. It was a match made in heaven…until the emotional pain of being treated like an object became unbearable. When I wanted to spend time on my spirituality instead of swinging, the marriage blew up.

    I realized he was incapable of intimacy, sexual or otherwise…but the HUGE REVELATION to me was that I was TERRIFIED of any type of intimacy. As you say Melanie…he was my billboard…pointing me to deep healing. I wouldn’t have been attracted to him if there hadn’t been a huge wound in myself. Thank you for your work, I feel like a different person now! xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Mary

      I am so happy you had the courage to be so real and share here..

      You totally have the power-ful orientation of NOT playing victim, and realizing what this dynamic was all about for you.

      I am so happy you are healing and coming home to TRULY love and adore you.

      Mel xo

  • tanialynn74@gmail.com'
    Tanya Lamb
    August 15, 2014

    Can an N be healed and change? If I heal and recover from his NPD, is it possible for my recovery and strength to precipitate change in him? Are there any success stories?

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      kay
      August 15, 2014

      No, they do not heal because you do. Chances are very good he will never heal. They just get worse as they get older. It would take Divine Intervention for them to heal, and there is nothing you can do to make them heal. Sounds like you still have some attachment to him. Please do Melanie’s course, and you might also think about doing Falun Gong. These have helped me hugely. You need to get him out of your mind, heart and life if you really want to get well.

      • tanialynn74@gmail.com'
        Tanya
        August 16, 2014

        Thank you Kay. I have participated in Melanie webinar and will do her course as soon as I can. I will also look into Falun Gong 🙂

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      August 15, 2014

      Narc never change. No hope or possibility for them to heal. you can, Tanya, focus on yourself.

      • tanialynn74@gmail.com48'
        Tanya
        August 16, 2014

        Thank you Christine, I am trying 🙂

      • sonyajones_21@hotmail.com'
        Sonya
        August 16, 2014

        OMG!! I’m in so much pain and have a heavy heart once again.. Just read your AWESOME and TRUE article and all the responses.. My Question.. Why don’t Narcs date and marry other Narcs..?? They would understand each other perfectly and not feel the least bit hurt when they try to sabatage each other like cheating etc.. My Whole family are disordered, so it’s no wonder I fell straight into what I was used to.. My Narc works away 4&1.. Which is why we have lasted this long.. When he wasn’t working away, he cheated relentlessly.. Now that he’s stuck at a Camp out the middle of nowhere he just flirts in around 27 dating sites, that I know of in the past 6 mths!! He gets really depressed by the end of our week together and I know it’s because he is bored with me and his daughter and needing fresh supply… He’s never left me for anyone in the 6 yrs together and even tho I have no concrete evidence of any actual acts of sex with others. I am certain it was a regular occurrence. And wen he does come home for that week, I don’t let him out of my sight.. But the end is always just round the corner I’m just not brave or strong enuf yet. Wish they had EMPATH ONLY DATING SITES!! But Narcs would be there pretending and deceiving just like they do now.. I just feel sooo confused and overwhelmed. I have lived in a make believe fantasy world all my life, and this is where I’m STUCK!! You are AWESOME Mel, I just wish my future was as fruitful as yours is now. Hugs xxxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Tanya,

      NPD is incurable. I have never seen one credible case of recovery – yet.

      Healing our own wounds means being responsible to ourselves, and not trying fix anyone else to make us happy.

      Mel xo

      • tanialynn74@gmail.com48'
        Tanya
        August 16, 2014

        Thank You Melanie. I had made enough progress to confidently walk away from the situation. And months later, he wanted to put things back together, only to violently break it up again. We have a 7 year old daughter together, so I will need to be even stronger to deal with the opportunities he has to abuse me through the little contact we will have. Thank you for what you do for us 🙂

    • Rbakle1960@roadrunner.com'
      Rbakle
      August 17, 2014

      Oh Tanya–please beleive they do not change and only get worse as they age–I spent 37 years waiting and loving and giving, knowing I could LOVE him enough to change him…I’ve been out for 2 1/2 years…the most wonderful,peaceful,happy,healing 2 1/2 years of my life…I didn’t have a clue the nightmare I lived…I no longer live the horror story that was my life. Work on YOU–Love YOU–it’s the best investmanet you can make!

      • tanialynn74@gmail.com'
        Tanya
        August 18, 2014

        Thank you Rbakle. I’m sad for you that you waited 37 years for change. I may have done that too. I actually feel like I was stronger before the final break up, and now I have relapsed into weak thinking. I am sad that he doesn’t feel that I am worth his changing his behavior. I am hurt that he has moved on to a new person and is immediately bringing her into my daughter’s life, and putting it in my face. He wants me to believe that if I had done or not done certain things, I wouldn’t have caused him to act so terribly. I am going through a huge let down, realizing that it is truly over, that he doesn’t want to change, and that he is blaming me. I feel withdrawls of my addiction to him. I am encouraged to know that you are happy now, and can look back on it as a nightmare. Thank you for your understanding and strong words. It’s comforting to know that all of you “get it”, and I don’t have to feel so alone 🙂

        • polhamus@frontiernet.net'
          William Polhamus
          June 23, 2019

          Waiting on someone else to change is a recipe for a failed marriage. You should change yourself first if the other person refuses to do so. Change yourself and you will see the world change around you. This thread is 5 year old!

  • Ladybird3566@yahoo.co.uk'
    Claire
    August 15, 2014

    I can totally understand now why I felt as I did. He made me feel like I wasn’t there so the reference to a sex doll or masturbation rang true. In the end I refused any sexual contact as I knew he had multiple partners who he met through sex and dating sites. He is love bombing a single mom at the moment but I can’t help her too dangerous. He told me if I was ever unfaithful to him he would kill the man make me watch and then kill me. A lot if the love I had for him died that night. I began to see him as a pimp he lives if others womens misplaced love and charity. He puts out a little money at the beginning of the relationship and then once hooked nothing you are expected to pay for everything as he is such a catch. It was only when I stopped having any sexual relations with him that my self esteem began to return. Towards the end I really loathed him and could see no good in him at all, I still don’t if I did he would have another way in. Found your blog enlightening and empowering. Thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Claire,

      It is so good that you were able to pull away, and see this for what it was.

      That takes a lot of courage, power to you.

      Mel xo

  • edenriverstudio@yahoo.com'
    Ker
    August 15, 2014

    I consider myself to be an extremely self-aware person; understanding my patterns and willing to identify and own my own stuff.

    BUT almost every one of your Self-reflection Healing Questions left me thoroughly stumped.

    Looks like I have some exploring and healing to do….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Ker,

      It is really true that many of our deep inner programs can be beneath our cognitive understanding, until we drop inside into our bodies, and really ‘feel”what hurts’.

      Then they can be revealed to us.

      Mel xo

  • tauriscus@yahoo.co.uk'
    Terence
    August 15, 2014

    Melanie,I found your self reflection questions resonated very strongly,as did your insight that opposites do not attract ! Certainly I have to ask my self why I still craved this individual and became increasingly obsessed and usable as back up supply after having being cruelly cast off like so much rubbish and lied and lied to again. This also seems relevent to your earlier article where you talk about being in a state of chronic victimhood and enragement against the narcisistic(ex)
    partner. I was for about 5 years and feeling very sorry for my self but at the same time desperately wanting this man,actually being obsessed and addicted to him – which he was naturally encouraging ! No progress could be made before moving on from there and your articles have been so helpful and full of insight during this process.

    • metzgerm1@hotmail.com'
      Mark
      August 15, 2014

      Terence,

      I would highly recommend a book by Dr Carnes called The Betrayal Bond. It was cathartic in allowing me to understand your same sentiments and to move forward more quickly understanding why I longed for something so unhealthy. I hope it helps.

      • tauriscus@yahoo.co.uk'
        Terence
        August 15, 2014

        Thank you Mark,I will look into this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Terence,

      I am so pleased that you have worked with self-reflection to get the power back inside yourself where it needs to be.

      It is the key to move beyond victimsation absolutely.

      Great job.

      Mel xo

  • r.lauren45@yahoo.com'
    RLauren
    August 15, 2014

    I have to laugh. I wrote a very long reply to this great article and due to lack of entering my name it got bypassed with no way to enter my name without losing my post. That was good. I got to process before I make a now quick reply. while doing NARP I hired a Holistic Psychologist PHD that has been doing for many many years a kind of NARP method. I could not go through my traumas with NARP without getting very stuck/retraumatized and caught in the pain despite following the NARP. In therapy I sit with a PHD psychologist facing me. One trauma at a time with all the minuteist details we ramp up the pain and redo it again and again. Until it is cleared. Except I get feed back and thought clarity about what took place for each trauma. She also incorporates yoga. It can be dangerous to open up traumatic wounds. Because my father was diagnosed Narcissistic and I suspect and feel firmly my mother is too this is what Narcissistic abuse does in the realm of dating/meeting men. I am an exceptionally attractive woman as men say sexxxy. I meet monied Narcissists. I get used. Since 1994 I have not been able to keep long term relationships. It is a concern for all therapists I have seen. They say I am too independant. I cannot bond with men. All my years of work on myself spiritually etc I am good friends with myself and support my inner child. When men pursue me I realize men bond sexually versus communication. The problem is I feel just as used and invisible and exploited as my parents did to me emotionally and psychologically. It is like when men pursue me I am no longer in the room. My mind. My spirit. My essence means nothing to them. They are into loving my physical image. Sex. Because I was so damaged by my childhood I cannot bond with men longterm. It feels traumatic to get sexual attention. My friends/ family/ everyone are amazed how lonely I am and I cannot bond to men. The marriage I had in 1994 ended from 7 years of serious Domestic Violence. NC with mother 5 years. NC with dad since Christmas. I have 9 years college. I am a fun and interesting person yet men love my physicalness and I am Invisible. I have short great sexual hot affairs but I no longer want that because I keep trying to develop relationships and these men….are obsessed with my physical image and sex. Men bond physically/sexually first. I may end up an older woman with no one. People say I look a good decade younger than my age which is good because I would like to find a soul mate to get through my elderly years. But my unconcious is so wrecked by Narcissistic parents and a really violent marriage I may never. The last 4 year relationship I had in my 30’s was all about him and my sex. I never felt I existed. I have been celebate a year and have to work out my deep deep subconcious stuff. Whatever men approach me on dating sites I find again do not care I have two degrees. Do not care I am financially stable on my own. Do not care. I had a short texting with a guy from a dating site last week after he approached me. I was interested as I said Hi to him 2 years ago. Same thing. ‘You have more pics?’ Can I see more pics?” One more pic please?’ Some would be happy for the attention. I find it enraging and revolting when at the same time he clearly showed no real interest in me. Feels like being used. It is the same thing as my Narcissistic parents that literally in 25 years never one time have called to say Hi. How are you? and /or be emotionally supportive in anyway. It is always the call about them. Their needs. They are fishing to find any accomplshments I have made to brag to their friends to make them feel special. My father calls me his twin. The narcissistic verbiage of an extension of himself. I cant be a twin if in 20 years he has taken no time to know me. I live 1000’s miles away from them for a reason and they do not care what that reason is. Ok that’s enough. But great article.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi RLaurnen,

      thank you for your share. I know many people can relate to people being astounded and ask ‘why are you single?’ due to attractiveness, but as you know – real love has nothing to do with being aesthetically beautiful and being able to attract attention.

      My greatest suggestion to you is to forget dating, and purposefully be on a complete relationship fast, because at this point it would only ever be ‘more of that’. Life does not roll dice.

      Make your highest orientation falling madly and deeply in love with you – which means full dedication to becoming your most healed, radiant self – FIRST and foremost.

      Then a future partner will be a wonderful additional gift, instead of the precarious and dangerous role of a ‘saviour’ of your wounds.

      Mel xo

  • richtamms@yahoo.com'
    kay
    August 15, 2014

    Hello RLAuren,
    Get off the dating sites. They are crap. I watched my 5th cousin do all that and all the guys wanted was sex. She did find an interesting commentator on youtube, though; his name is Chazz Ellis and he talks bluntly about relationships. It might be well worth your while to view. Also, try Falun Gong; it will strengthen your Heart Center, and try doing Ho O’ponopono for yourself; see Joe Vitale’s work; he has written books you can find on amazon dot com. Of course, Melanie’s work is great, but if you find that it is too much too soon, save it for later. You need to develop a relationship with yourself before you will ever be happy. Do you have God in your life? That is actually the most important relationship you will ever have. Doesn’t matter the religion; what matters is that you know that you are unconditionally Loved by the Divine One and that you are never alone. Email me if you like. Please know that sometimes your true family is not the one you were physically born into.

    • r.lauren45@yahoo.com'
      RLauren
      August 15, 2014

      Thanks Kay. I erased all my dating site profiles last year but two. A seniors Site and a Marriage site. I have not been dating. I went into that Seniors site to delete replies to my profile. I delete scads (allot) of men and then planned to keep the ones I favor on the back burner until 6 months from now when I will try to date again. Then and only then I would reply to them. This guy saw me online and started chatting. I can’t see your email anywhere but Thanks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Kay,

      dating sites, chance meetings and synchronicity are only ever a reflection of ‘self’.

      I personally know people who are in wonderful relationships / marriages procured from dating sites – and all of them without exception were a ‘whole, healed’ self as their orientation, and had done a great deal of inner work to ‘create’ this happening.

      We attract ‘where we are at.’ Essentially these is no ‘outside’ of just ‘more’ of our healed or not so healed self showing up.

      Mel xo

  • vlbc07@gmail.com'
    Lucia
    August 15, 2014

    I enjoyed reading what I read. It made me feel I was not alone…I was not crazy. I discovered that I was married to a narcissistic since we had problems when we started our divorce for almost two years. A psychologist hired for the case (neutral), made ​​some revelations from the moment I told her that we had no more sex in the last two years of marriage. Well, for a common marriage, it could be normal, because after 10 years of marriage, we can get lost libido, interest, due to stress, illnesses, financial problems, etc. But the truth is that we not had any more sexua relationship because my current husband was punishing me. This meant that the psychologist had an insight.
    I come from a very open culture in this question. I had a first marriage to an active sex life and with my first husband, there was no time, place or date. We learned everything together. Walked naked through the house until the children are born and never lock the bathroom door.
    Well, I married my current husband (we are in a long and difficult process of divorce right now) and I always found the sexual life with him very slowly. But I was always happy and he never has forced me to nothing. But the truth is that I had to adapt myself to “his style”.
    Only in Sundays morning, no passionate kissing, no declarations of love. Everything was very mechanical…always the same. Until I felt I had lost my libido.
    The relationship with his own body also was always very strange. In 10 years of marriage, I never saw him completely naked before me. But I continued the way it always was, walking naked across the room and not locking or closing the bathroom door. Bathing together? No way !!!
    As he is 24 years older than me (I am 55 years old) I thought that this was due to his education, his diferent culture and another mainly because he was a catholic priest until 40 years old. And so, I thought that life for him was summed up in confessions, repentance, thanks, punishments.
    When we married 10 years ago, I discovered that he had another woman (for 6 months) and it was not more sex with me for two years because he was punishing me. He said I had insulted him with something silly. Of course, he began to discarge me. I was two years without confronting him because with all this difference of age, I thought he having problems. I wanted to respect him and I do not want he feel bad about his manhood. After all, I knew the consequences to marry a much older man.
    Narcissitics are always narcissitics, no matter what age they are. A man of almost 80 years playing the role of teenager with a mistress.
    Incredible, but I got stuck in this toxic relationship without realizing it for almost 14 years. Though I am the third wife, I always saw him without sexual experience. It was a bit strange to me. I blamed to his first two women for not having taught him “other things”. But I got stuck on this same network.
    Now I see how luck I am to know everything and have time to get rid this man from my life. I think my greatest weapon in all of this, is that I am always happy and positive. No matter if I’m with someone or not, no matter if I’m having problems or not. Happiness is something we have within ourselves. But I learned from all this my story that my patience MUST have limits.
    And you know what? He did not close his eyes when he kissed me. Now I understand …. he does not feel anything. He lost !!! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Lucia,

      I think what is very important that we don’t just ‘accept’ a less than life in any area. Because truly we don’t need to.

      I was having this conversation with a friend about being with ex-narcs and saying in our minds to ourselves (at the time) “I’m not happy, but I just have to put up with this!”

      Why on earth did we think that?

      Because we had bought into the thinking that makes us less than the unlimited, expansive, TRUE beings we were born to be 🙂

      Mel xo

  • metzgerm1@hotmail.com'
    Mark
    August 15, 2014

    I enjoyed the article as always but not with all that was said this time and take offense to some items Tonia. I was taken back a bit with some of your comments and disagree with several statements. As someone who has suffered like so many others who read your blog, I do not share the opinion that we have “gaps that match the narcissist” and saying such can be quite destructive to some trying to heal from people who have such deep evil. I have had several very well respected counselors over the past several years and as things changed from marital counseling to post divorce counseling the need for a therapist who could point out “my gaps” became very important to me. I asked several Drs to recommend someone who dealt with personality disorders as the self-help books became quite clear in that my experience was not unique and one that reflected a relationship with someone with a character disturbance. As I can not change anything about the ex my hope was to heal as this new single person and to have someone explain my “gaps” and to help me develop a better filter for selecting friends and potential partners. As we became better acquainted with her I pointedly asked her if she felt that I had some big personality problem as I had developed that “crazy” feeling that I had been the cause of the demise of our marriage. She simply stated that she sees two very clear problems with me. First, I am naive to the motives of some women and two, that I trust too much. Such “gaps” were hardly those of my ex who knew exactly what she was doing when she targeted me and intentionally got pregnant so that I would marry her and take care of her children since I made a significant income. We were in many ways opposites and science is very clear about opposites attracting. Simply take a magnet out and see how well a “+” pole will attract a “+” pole. That being said I agree that we need to look within and realize that we are all deficient. That we have had life experiences that have shaped us to look at the world a certain way and to project our beliefs on to others in not so healthy ways and that can set us up for disappointment and ruin. We need to develop a better sense of what our weakness was and why we were attracted to something so unhealthy. But I would not suggest that we in any way shared some of the same deep pathology that plagues a true narcissist. We all may reveal traits of narcissism but the true pathology of a narcissistic personality disorder is something quite different and the “gaps” that have created such darkness are unique to them only. I know that we all come here to look for comfort, support, answers and ultimately to heal. I have been blessed to have had really good therapist to help me at one of the darkest times of my life as I found everything crumble around me. I definitely had a role in it. I am still figuring out that role out so that the next act is one where there is a happy ending. Thanks for moving us all forward.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Mark,

      most definitely on a logical, surface level it does look like ‘opposites attract’ – in that givers meet takers, person with high integrity gets shackled with pathological liar etc.

      I am not talking about the ‘cognitive’ level, I am talking about the subconscious level.

      I am also not in any shape or form referring to ‘us being bad’. I am saying there were wounds that were unhealed that caused unconsciousness.

      Theses are the matches I talk about, and there are many common ones to name, however what they all boil down to is not being a Solid Source To Self.

      And we had not realized these wounds were generating an experience of being taken by a narc.

      These go way beyond – being ‘too trusting’.

      You say it is ‘damaging’ to victims to point this out. In my experience of working with thousands of people in recovery for the last 7 years I have experienced the complete opposite.

      What I consistently see damaging is: when people focus on the ‘evil that happened’ and don’t bring their attention inside into their own being and own beliefs to put their focus into truly finding, developing, evolving and transforming themselves to a higher emotional wholeness.

      Then they only have ‘at best’ the ability to survive this ordeal, as opposed to being able to grow from it exponentially into more love, joy, and expansion that they had EVER know before this experience.

      I see these victims who don’t accept the self-growth model stay stuck for years in the same pain and cycles with no way out – many are the SAME people in the SAME abuse recovery forums posting the same anti-narcissist messages month and month and year after year.

      And these people are still NOT well.

      These people sadly MISS the very reason their soul co-created this experience. Like does not happen ‘to’ us, it happens ‘through’ us – and there is a reason for all of it.

      If you ever want to find you ‘role’ Mark, I am happy to assist, because that is what I do.

      Mel xo

      • metzgerm1@hotmail.com'
        Mark
        August 16, 2014

        Thank you for taking time out of your day to respond to my post with understanding. The FOG has lifted long ago. The Betrayal Bond has lessened and the denial and cognitive dissonance is still slowly fading especially as more dysfunctional behavior is witnessed through the child visitation hearings. If I ever get to a point financially to sign up for your help I will certainly do so. Right now I meet to sign for a bankruptcy next week. The continued aftermath of a toxic relationship. Thanks again!

  • cpk.skillfulmeans@gmail.com'
    Charlene Kane
    August 15, 2014

    These comments display such insight and wisdom! Post relationship I am reclaiming a sensual, wholesome life touched by nature, the elements, a warm home and working environment. I am grateful to be out of the intense, highly sexual fog the narcissist created. Whatever happened to sexy as subtle perfume? Being desired isn’t the ON switch. Flowing with All is the turn-on. I haven’t fully translated this but it’s a new journey. In the past, men have blamed me for their sexual problems. For the first time I stood in my truth and said, no, I wasn’t going to hold his problems. I would work on mine. But not with him. End of story? No, but the beginning of my empowered life? Yes.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2014

      Hi Charlene,

      ohhhh I love what you write…

      “Flowing With All” is the TURN ON!

      Oh, Oh, Oh, you have nailed it.

      From that ‘turn on’ comes every ‘turn on’ – but this time it is deep, abiding, authentic turn ons!

      And they never can be until we get the foundational one sorted first!

      LOVE your post!

      Welcome to your TRUE life Charlene, the one out of the human illusion.

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    August 15, 2014

    Hi Eve,

    thank you for your very real and honest share.

    That is so, so true that all of us do our journey in incredible and amazing ways, and such is the truth of ‘how we evolve’.

    Truly for all of us, so often the hooks go way beyond (and beneath) the sexual side, and can be really deep DNA beliefs that have ancient origins regarding survival.

    My gut feeling is this is what is still ‘hurting’ you and keeping the pain of the narcissist going.

    Our spiritual journey, I thoroughly believe, and have experienced with myself, and time and time again with clients, is to heal the spiritual starvation of believing our Source of survival, wellbeing, flourishing, nourishing and expansion is ‘another person’ (an inauthentic source) rather than clearing our blocks so that we can have the Authentic Connection that is our birthright direct with Source.

    I feel that this is what you can really, really look at to ‘snap this off’ – because it does when we heal it.

    There is no attraction, pain, regret or abuse feelings left when we truly do the work on this.

    I’d love you to come into my next Free Webinar to learn more about this Eve, if this feels right for you.

    Mel xo

  • daph10@hotmail.com'
    D
    August 16, 2014

    Dear Mel,
    thank you once again for sharing your profound insight on narcissistic abuse. You are truly a godsend. I can relate to the sexual addiction and abuse stories that you and many of the women commenting on the article have discussed. I broke the no contact this year and let him back in foolishly..why I can only discuss in person but it wasn’t just the sex. He stopped calling me names but of course a leapard doesn’t change his spots. He still violated my boundaries sexually and I still compromised myself and gave away my power to someone that has no soul or conscious. Mind blowing sex always ended with me being degraded. He suffers from multiple addictions and I thought initially I could help..that was five years ago. I work in healthcare and felt profoundly sorry for him. Needless to say, I have suffered great losses on many levels (especially spiritually)and can’t get the time back. I realize now that I became addicted to him and need my own soul healing from childhood wounds, young adult trauma, emotional abandonment, etc. I ignored the red flags and trudged on ahead foolishly allowing the evil and darkness that surrounds him to also encompass me. I stepped out of the light so to speak and began to fall just like him. He tried to get me to have threesomes with other women, and to have sex with one of his friends..that never happened and after two plus years he finally stopped asking. There is no measure to his level of depravity. This was truly the sickest relationship ever and yes I now know the purpose was to bring up my junk so that I could finally address it. This is all so painful and I want to be healed. I want my power back, want to improve my self image..how I see myself, to release the shame and guilt I’ve been carrying around..and truly love myself so that I can give and draw healthy love back to me. I’ll keep you posted Mel. Blessings

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2014

      Hi D,

      It is so true that many healers have been hurt as a result of “feeling sorry for someone”.

      What we all needed to learn is: You can’t help someone who does not want to help themselves.

      D, truly you can heal your life, and you, to a higher level than even before this happened to you.

      I would love you to come into my next Webinar, if you haven’t attended one previously.

      You can do so here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thankyou-step2.html

      Much Love xo

    • marywandera@gmail.com'
      Mary
      October 1, 2017

      This was the most honest thing I’ve read yet. Very insightful. Kudos.

      You’re on the right path to recovery..

  • michelem22@yahoo.com'
    Michele
    August 16, 2014

    I’ve been married 35 years to a man who insisted on marital counseling about 5 years ago. He had always been challenging, but after losing a job, he went crazy with blaming me for everything negative in his life. The therapist told me he was a narcissist. His idea of good sex was to “last” for a long, long time — without regard for me. No capacity for emotional intimacy whatsoever. If I ever said “no” to sex, he would keep me up all night until he got it. He declared our sex life over 5 years ago, and now can not tolerate being touched, can not express a loving emotion in any way, and blames everything on me. Successful kids, successful family life, but now living in the land of blame.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2014

      Hi Michele,

      this is awful…

      Truly, this is about you healing you – you can’t change him.

      Mel xo

  • duckworthjenn@yahoo.com'
    jen
    August 16, 2014

    I don’t know that my husband was a Narc before this Midlife crisis thing hit nor not however now it is out of control. My Husband left me 17 months ago for a woman he knew for 3 months and bought a house with her, my husband has had multiple affairs yjrought our marriage of almost 15 yrs, even had another woman pregnant that rested in the other woman getting an abortion.

    My husband has a lot of the Narc qualities, however I’m just not sure. He did just up n leave me n our kids, cheating a lot, nothing was ever worse than whatever happened yo him, always trying yo make him happy.

    The sex…that was amazing. He did tell me to “cum” a lot however we talked a lot during sex. I wonder do Narcs change? I mean will my husband go back yo being somewhat normal or is it a lost cause for him. I know the old saying once a cheater always a cheater but is that really the only way? I sometimes wonder if he wasn’t looking for something that he was missing as a child?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2014

      Hi Jen,

      truly, as I wrote for Michele above – this is about getting the focus back onto you, healing what you have been through – so that you can change your life.

      That is totally possible…

      Mel xo

  • sstutch@suddenlink.net'
    Shell
    August 16, 2014

    We moved into together after dating for 3 years on Jan. 16…he took me to Playa Del Carmen for my 59th Birthday on Feb. 3..he arranged and paid for a private Beach dinner with Lobster, steak, our own bartender, etc. The sex was always amazing..during the whole relationship he inferred I must be having sex with others…I never did…I became scared to scratch myself if I had an itch because he would look at the scratch and accuse me….I loved and love him still..We had gotten a 4 hundred thousand dollar home…all new furniture…then on Feb. 18th he made love to me at 4 am at 4 pm he wrote me a cruel email that he had called the CEO at the hospital and the CEO said I had 2 affairs with doctors..I did not and he said during an Ambuc convention I got kicked out because I was running up and down the halls barely dressed seducing men…neither of those things happened either..the email so very cruel … I had never heard him talk to me like that before…he told me to get out of our house…he never answered my emails back, phone calls, or anything..he took me to court in May for stalking him…I was only sending him 2 emails a day trying to find out what happened..he did not speak to me in court…I ended up trying to kill myself and was put in a mental hospital…I still want to know what happened..I still love him…I hurt everyday…I see a doctor once a week…why did he leave me like that..everything in our life seemed perfect..we would go out and were show stoppers…people would stop and tell us how beautiful we were together…he acted crazy about me till that one day and now I am a mess and can’t get over him…oh I pray to God or the Devil I don’t care..I just want him to call so I can understand

  • Carolreedjobson@gmail.com'
    Lee
    August 18, 2014

    Well, Mel, after much hard work and your considerable insight helped, I got free. And oh has the world opened in wonderful surprising ways. I am happily alone. Then I got crudely asked for meaningless purely physical sex as release by someone I considered odd but a friend. I think he is OCPD. Like NPD, he believes he is superior. And he fears intimacy. It upset me but I saw that he is nit normal and any discussion would be a waste of my energy. I just walked away. I feel good that I did not engage. What progress!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2014

      Hi Lee,

      that is so wonderful that you disengaged and said “NOT My Reality”,

      Power to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Frances.shippey926@btinternet.com'
    Frances
    August 19, 2014

    Am I a narc? I was convinced he was narc and I was co dependent, but now I,m feeling really down because I could be narcissistic in that I also like to control and get ‘supply’ and I read that there’s no hope for narcs. All I want to do is get revenge for how he’s left me hurting so much. I have lost everything and I’ve supported him in his business, now he’s really successful and I have nothing. The circle keeps going round, I know he’ll be in touch again and I will fall for it again. I hope he stays away now and I can start to heal again for good. But I’ve been here 100 times before. Argh

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2014

      Hi Frances,

      the truth is both co-dependents and narcissists feel empty and try to Source outside of themselves.

      However there is a huge difference regarding conscienceless behavior and being able to do atrocious malicious things in order to obtain it.

      You need to heal – and that is the only other difference “Will I Take responsibility to heal my own inner wounds?”

      ANYONE can…

      Narcissists won’t.

      Mel xo

  • jice1960@yahoo.com'
    JAN
    August 20, 2014

    I am 21 months away from Narc……thankful I did not have all this info @ once, would have been even more traumatic! I am finally joyous in my heart most of the time. The trick is avoiding triggers. have to admit sex was off the charts……I was truly addicted to him sexually as I look back. makes my skin crawl as I accept he was masturbating on/in me.Yuck.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    August 20, 2014

    Hi Me,

    It is so true we need to ‘be’ love to ‘get’ love – REAL love.

    Keep going, you are doing a wonderful job of ‘being’ love.

    Mel xo

  • sdelapasture@yahoo.com'
    Patsy
    August 23, 2014

    Oh WOW Mel, now I get the ‘make up’ sex! It has never been explained before. Not I look back it kept me hooked for years, I thought it was meaningful, thank you so much for the explanation.

  • lauraelise@suddenlink.net'
    Angel
    October 19, 2014

    Thank you for this article. PLEASE tell me that good sex does exist after a narc relationship. I feel every time we break up or I decide to leave, it becomes a frantic search for something that good, and when unable to find it, I PANIC and run straight back to the narcissist with the feeling “what have I done??? (regarding leaving him). Now he has left me (while I was pregnant, I might add) and found a new source of supply. I’m hoping that I really can find happiness with someone else, but everyone I date just makes me want him back that much more.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 19, 2014

      Angel,

      you are welcome. Yes it does and many people have proven that.

      But it takes healing self, and partnering self without sexual hookups first and foremost.

      That is what developing and evolving ourselves is all about – healing past the tendency to be only attracted chemically to abusers.

      Mel xo

  • sales@crazycastles.co.za'
    Lucy
    May 15, 2015

    Thanks for a super article Melanie. My N relationship lasted nearly 3 years. The first time we had sex he explained to me that since his divorce, he can’t climax with normal intimacy and have to masturbate. I felt sorry for him but deep down I knew something was wrong. It was as if I wasn’t even there, him sitting on top of me, masturbating, with his eyes closed. Later on in the relationship I managed to get him to climax during intercourse. According to him I was the first woman after his divorce to master this. Oh man … I was so impressed with myself. Although he always made sure I was satisfied, he would constantly ask me how many times I climaxed. The higher the number, the more pleased he was. At this stage, the kissing, cuddling and foreplay became non existing. He then mentioned the awesome blow jobs one of his previous girlfriends dished out and that she was the only one to get him to climax that way. I kept on trying (obviously to please him) and when I finally succeeded, that was the only way he wanted to climax. Only after I dumped him 2 months ago (due to constant belittling, criticism, manipulation and emotional draining) did his sister inform me that he is a narcissist. I read everything I could lay my hands on about narcissism and it all made sense: The masturbation, the no connection during sex, the no empathy, the sexual messages to “girl friends”, the sending photo’s of his private parts, the constant need of praise and attention. Sad part is: Very few woman actually realize they were victim of a narcissist and therefore take him back every time his other supplies run dry …

  • annalyse.guest@gmail.com'
    Annalyse
    August 20, 2015

    Hi my name is Anna, I was in a friendship relationship with my N for nearly 18 years. All of those years, now that I look back on them, had many predator undertones. Not long ago we slept together and it was a shock to realise how sick the act made me feel afterwards. I don’t know if this sounds right, but I feel like I was being sexually fondled or abused, by a demonic paedephile. It wasn’t rough sex but it felt terribly unusual, not at all what expected, very robotic. Anyhow, I have now been discarded and am trying to pick up the pieces, silent treatment is the worst. Well, I have decided that I am very lucky our sexual interactions haven’t gone any further, I’m glad I got out when I did. I’ve had no contact for over a week and I feel stronger everyday for it, no contact is allowing me time to help myself. Now after seeing your posts and videos I feel like I have the best tools possible to equip myself for life. Thank you so much Melanie, I am ever so grateful to you. Anna.

  • clare.nicholson@hotmail.com'
    Clara
    April 15, 2016

    This article is brilliant but has left my head spinning. Please help. I have been married for 20 years. Durring the first ten years my husband had three emotional affairs. I met all of them, he would bring them home for dinner saying I needed friends, (Yeah right), the second two were co-workers. He told me he just wanted to sexually tease them, he enjoyed the chase and then once he knew they wanted him he would lose interest. He then told me last year that the reason for our poor sex life was because he couldn’t get close to me and so would masterbate twice a week to his past congests. He claims he did not sleep with them. He also claimed he did not have anymore affairs after the affect it had upon me. He travels a lot and keeps his affairs very private. He said he had intimacy issues. Last year when I wanted to leave and pulled of his mask he went insane. He also became very absuive. He raped me, hit me and would get very angry if I questioned him. I don’t know what to do. He says he has changed thanks to the breakdown but I cant trust him. I found a picture of him on his computer with another woman, (it is blurry) and when I confronted him he cried all night. He said he couldn’t explain it and was frustrated. I don’t believe him. He has always hidden the finances from me and I feel so hurt. He said he could never have a physical affair he said he was just playing with people and it was horrible. Since the de-masking and I hate to say this but sex has been great. I don’t know where it has come from. His timing, oral sex, I don’t know if that is because I want him now sexually in some sadisitc way, or we are now connecting through all the pain. Please help anyone. He is narcissistic, I don’t know maybe even sociopathic. He wants to come home and has been better. I just cant passed some of my feelings. Why would he stop emotional affairs? He obviously didnt care about me. He discarded me for three years, even though we were still living together I was basically his room mate, this was after he left the third and according to him, final affair. Last year he told me had never intended to be faithful to me, that he wanted to make me look like a doormat as he was fantasizing about sleeping with the women he was having emotional affairs with. My head is spinning, any thoughts. We have three children and he seems so pathetic, he cries a lot, but he can swtictch to being very cold and very scary looking. He also says he doesnt want to hurt me, and began putting his hands around my through, only gently when we had sex. Am I in denial? Please help.

  • sammyboyde3@gmail.com'
    A Friend
    May 13, 2016

    Where can I start

    I’m a 58 year old man who can’t type too good. I fell in love with a girl of 50 years that was leaving her husband, she fell in love with me, or so I thought. I was blinded. I should have payed attention to all the little insults and comments, and all the ways she tried to change me (and I complied) like when she said she was selfish and self absorbed, how her husbands (2 previous, another clue) always did better when she was “out of their lives”, how she said she always pulls away. All the put downs, the lack of empathy, all the signs in hindsight that I now see, were there. She has 2 children who I care about greatly, one on “the spectrum”. She cares more about her looks and attracting attention by the way she dresses and that charming personality that always comes out when she wants something, it’s like jekel/hyde. When I did a test to see if “you are a narcissist”, my numbers came out in the range of codependent, go figure. Hers on the other hand came out in the textbook or just below category every time. I have been reading for the last 2 weeks straight, I am distraught that there are people like this in the world, how can they live with themselves. I don’t sleep well, can’t eat well, all of my soul it seems has been torn out of me and I have a hard time doing much of anything with any kind of regularity.

    When looking back and after reading so much, (I cant seem to stop reading and watching videos, it’s like and I am in denial) I believe that she and her husband were both narcs (he’s all about money and status) and their children are being groomed to be no different. Nothing I do seems to help me. I am still trying to accept the fact that I make no difference to her, that everything I did, every emotion that I felt was all for naught. She has been moving me closer and closer to the exit door, she says she is too weak to break up with me. Calls are diminishing, I am trying to stay away the best way I know how, I don’t call her anymore, maybe she will just go away if I cut off supply, it is killing me. I know I need to go no contact but haven’t quite worked up the nerve to go into isolation and then re-emerge as the stronger person I know I can be. I have never been in a situation of such total disbelief in my life and I am sure that she has, or has plans, or is grooming an new source of supply already. She sure knows how to play with my heart. After all the love I have given her, all the things I have done. Her words never match her actions, it’s always all about her, even in phone conversations. Glad I now have the proof I need. How the hell does this ever get better? Even with knowing all the evidence and living and seeing it first hand, it is, I believe, the worst experience I have ever been through and I have been through far more than you can imagine or want to know. I go back to my old, basic survival mode, of just being glad to still be alive, if that tells you anything. It might be the only positive thing left to lean on at this point to get me through this. I could go on and on but I am thinking, what’s the point?

  • jrtzrule@yahoo.com'
    A Friend
    May 15, 2016

    You now, the more I read about the narcissist, the more I put myself into their shoes and try to experience their lie, the better I begin to understand them and the more I begin to realize, they actually did us a favor by discarding us. Think about it.

    When you look at it, we now have an opportunity to find real love, with a real, compassionate, caring person and we are much, much wiser than we were. We are now FREE of the bondage, they will never be. They will never know what love is, they always have to be in a conscious state of protecting their armor and at all costs. It has to be exhausting, the maintenance, the seeking of supply, the chasing, needing constant approval, the covering of all the lies and deceit, the false world they have to project and protect and live in while existing in the real world, you name it. Throw everything else at them from their typical “daily life”, it must be a pure hell. I am actually beginning to feel sorry for them and beginning to learn that forgiving them might be a better route. After all, nothing will ever change for them, they are unconscious incompetents. Then, we can begin to forgive ourselves for our mistake.

    It has been said that education always has a cost and this one has been priceless for me. Now that I see what is going on with these people, they will be taken to the mat, every single, last, time. I will never be fooled again.

    They should not underestimate US. We now know more than we say, we think more than we speak and we notice more than THEY will ever realize. Anything formed of false values and forged in deceit, will always fail.

    The only people that will hate you for telling them the truth, are the ones that are living a lie, the narcissist.

    I am sure I am not out of the woods yet, I might be feeling a tiny bit better today as it continues to sink in and this post reflects just that, my 1 percent (if that) improvement. I hope everyone is doing a little bit better today and trying their best to stay positive. I love you all.

  • limic@aol.com'
    Lin
    May 27, 2016

    Wow this is amazing, to help people like this is truly the most gracious gift you could give, thank you.

    My story?! Narc father, suicide mum, abandonment issues? just a bit! I may have BPD or co-dependent qualities/disorders myself. I’m a working progress and try not to be too harsh on myself!

    It’s taken decades to even realise that I may actually be loveable and worthy of love.

    I have had 4 ‘relationships’ with Ns and the first three obviously broke my heart and left me train wrecked.

    But the last one…
    He pursued me for 3 years and because he was in a relationship I said no. But I sadly he broke my own moral code when the depression hit me hard and I took another nose dive. Please don’t judge me I’m just trying to get through each day sometimes, actually most the time.

    He said the relationship was dead and that she didn’t do it for him and they hadn’t had sex for 6 months. I believe he withheld sex from her to control, punish and hurt her.

    My heart breaks for her but she is on her own journey, she will work it out one day. She caught him cheating before, I only pray she gets out soon.

    The flurry of messages the art of seduction I was literally swept of my feet.
    The Ns love bombing is second to none as we know and that promise of love, the biggest lie of them all.

    So I met him, undeniably the spark was always there, the chemical rush.
    It was as expected and so much more so than ever expected and the best first date kiss of my life, I was literally weak at the knees.

    The little voice that already knew what he really was (I’m a multiple narc victim after all!) was silenced by my agonising need to be wanted and ‘loved’ the transparency of the fake already clear but at first it feels so good, like nothing else.

    I was falling damn it, falling in love with a lie!

    Another few weeks of non stop chasing and I agreed to meet up again, this time we ended up in a hotel, it sounds so degrading now as I type it up but in the moment it was just so…thrilling? That just doesn’t do it justice it was electric.

    I can honestly say it was the best sex of my life, he even held me all night afterwards, it felt so close to the real thing, how much more heart breaking could it possibly be. I swear he chased away my demons and I’ve never slept so soundly or felt so safe. It was perfect, for just one night.

    So no I don’t regret it but it does break my heart that it wasn’t even real, it just hurts so very very badly in my chest I just want to stop breathing.

    The second meet, at his house. Felt very wrong, but still for someone like me who has a very high sex drive I couldn’t resist and yes it was again just incredible. I felt shame and guilt, he didn’t of course only worried he’d get caught. I’m despicable I know but I was totally under his spell.

    The third meet, my place, during the day, the best yet, it actually felt so much like real love, he looked into my eyes as we ‘made love’ it honestly felt like he actually loved me, how can someone fake that! He said it was the best of his life too. All I know for sure was that it was the real thing for me.

    But the walls came crashing down and I cried my eyes out after he left, when I suddenly realised I Was just being used, no more holding me all night was ever going to happen again, this day time crap was actually empty, meaningless and degrading, and finally the conscious realisation and acceptance that he was just another trickster and that it was all a lie ripping my world apart, knives in my heart.

    After that the cracks started to show, as my little voice grew louder. My insecurities surfacing and my chasing crazy messages, desperate for any sign of love.

    Then the silent treatment (no doubt pursuing the next source or an old one) then the start of very subtle put downs. The last affair (of four) she was so slim but not pretty like me a half compliment with a nasty put down attached to it, a cruel comparison, (I’m not slim and am very body conscious) I felt crushed and worthless, his mission accomplished.

    This is obviously the short version! But still too long.

    Desperate thoughts of I can save him, he is the one, I can fix this…wake up girl

    But guess what, I did it, I actually did it. I ditched him before he had a chance to devalue me further and then discard me! Yes I got in there first! I simply said I realised it was all a lie and that his ‘love’ was fake and always would be.

    His disbelief and horror led to the only response he is capable of…more silent treatment. Probably expecting me to run back! The sex was amazing after all and the temptation is excruciating but I can do this, I must.

    It’s only been a week but I’m staying strong even though every minute of every day is consumed with pain and longing for him I’m fighting it as hard as I can. My mind consumed, I can’t sleep I’m a mess but I will stay strong, I must.

    I’m reading every article on narcs I can to keep hammering the message home, he won’t ever change and he can never love anyone.

    I’m in so much pain but I’m free!

    I looked online desperately and not a single thing out there says I dumped my narc before he could dump me, not one, no possible variation of the words. Surely I’m not the only person who ever did that?

    I wish he felt the pain I feel, I wish he cared even a tiny bit. But I know he’s probably already with the next one or an old one or there are several in a que!

    If or rather when he comes crawling back offering love, I will stay firm no matter how much I want to give in I will stay no contact.

    I’m done with narcs for good, never again. I’m worth more and I finally know it, at last.

    Thank you for helping me get through some of my darkest days

    I know what I’ve written is all messed up, that’s the state I’m in right now. I will look back one day and laugh at how ridiculous I look.

    Just sending the message out there of buyer beware and you can get out first if you’re a multiple victim like me.

    I love that bit…remove all the sources and kill the virus for good, but then their purpose is to teach us to grow. Take the good out of it, how in the long run we will heal ourselves.

    The darkness is no match for the light yet one simply can not exist without the other.

    Learn to love yourself first, that’s the only answer for us all.

  • heikeg0708@yahoo.com'
    Kaya50
    July 3, 2016

    Very well written, true to every word. I was married to one for over 20 years. It was hell for me. When I discovered his secrets, like porn, accounts on Ashley Madison, affairs with co workers , hd blamed me. He labeled me “mentally ill”, he called me crazy. I thought my entire world crashed down on me. But it was a temporary pain. After a few months I got my mind together. I filed for divorce. He thought leaving his family was a punishment for me exposing his affairs with a fellow female cop. It was the best day of my life. He set me free. I went no contact , took him to court and won big time
    Love making to him equaled watching porn and controlling me. No emotions, no compassion , no love. Looking back now after 3 years being divorced I was in the darkness. I was devalued and discarded. Just like garbage. Thrown away like a
    Mc Donald’s paper bag. But I survived and I healed. I recovered and my life is great now. I am happy, sabe, free and at peace. Thank God for good divorce attorneys and great sliming laws in this beautiful state of Florida. I am blessed beyond what I hoped for. As for him. He can now have all the little minions he wants to have. They are my replacement. Forever thankful .

  • Mjkganda@icloud.com'
    Mary
    September 21, 2016

    I had an affair with a man I think was a narc. I had depression issues at the time. He was a former coworker i didn’t know well and had not seen in ten years. He showed up on Facebook. We talked and I told him I was happily married. He disappeared for a few weeks and when he returned he started some of the most sexy and romantic love bombing. Over months I fell for it. He made me feel so happy and beautiful. Then he turned it sexual. He sent pictures of his penis and demanded i send him full body and face pictures. Dumb but I did it. Then he said we should hook up. He was very far away so I said sure but then he just showed up out of nowhere. I met him in his car. He was charming. We attempted to have sex but his penis was small and then it died. Then a cop drove by and it all ended in less than a minute. It sucked. He returned sometime later with his daughter. He rented a separate room. I went over and he said he told his daughter he went for a run. He grabble me and started ripping off my clothes. No passion, no forplay. He ended up having erectile problems and just got up and said he had to go and left. I felt so cheap. But I didn’t want to believe it. It took 15 minutes for the pain inside to go away. I didn’t hear from him for weeks then he showed up bragging about the great sex he gave me. Then there was a video chat. He asked me to take off my shirt and he talked dirty and masterbated. I felt humiliated. The third time we met i said I’m gonna end it. I went to his room and he made me wait until the basketball game was over. Ignored me. I tried to say what I came to say but it wouldn’t come out. He was drinking and I was scared. Then he started to take off my clothes. I said stop but he wouldn’t. The sex was horrible. He died three or four times and sat there masterbating for minutes in-between attempts. And he was rough when he could do it and it hurt. Then he just got up and went into the bathroom. I think to masterbate. When he came out he asked how was it. I said I had better and he got angry and said “you know it was good”. For months afterward he would always want me to tell him how good he was. If I posted pictures of me and my husband he would show up talking nasty and hounding me for pictures. Many with things inserted in me. It was control and humiliation. No more romantic talk. Just dirty perverted stuff and pictures. Then I got caught. He said “hope you work it out, take care” and vanished. I was so glad to get caught. To just get rid of him. No I am here to say sex with them is not always great. In fact it downright sucked.

  • Moniquericardobjj@yahoo.com'
    Rose
    October 25, 2016

    Hi,
    I am glad to have found this article and know I am not alone. I have been married 7 years and recently found out that I am not going crazy but my husband is a narrsasist. Somatic to be exact. When we met he told me he had a sex problem, and if I could handle it. I saw t more like a sex addiction and thought I could bc I care so much about him and thought it wouldn’t be a problem. Well was I wrong. For 7 years we have had many fights about sex. He criticizes me and out me down bc I am not doing enough or doing correct. And he says I don’t act like the girls in the porn movies ect. He masterbates in the bed at least 3x during the nite. He will do this even if my 5 yr old or 2 yr old sons are in the bed. He will also master bate at least 3 or more through out the day. On top of the 2-3x I have With w him. Any sign of me being tired or no interest in having sex at any of the times he will throw the whole relationship in the gutter. Saying horrible things to degrade me such as, you are sexually worthless, you are boring etc.
    he bases the whole relationship on our sex. For him I think sex is love. So I have to to orgasam at least 6 times during sex for him to feel good I guess. And also put a show. It is very tiring to have to do this everyday and I feel paralyzed by fear. I really do like him a lot but deep down I know this is wrong. He threatens to bring another woman home or cheat on me or tries to make me feel guilty for not wanting as much sex so he wants me to let him have a mistress. With all this talk I am in so much pain. I try to keep
    Up. It it’s impossible. Everyday is anxiety to make sure I don’t mess up. That I make him feel like he is adored. It’s a lot of work.

    • Moniquericardobjj@yahoo.com'
      Rose
      October 25, 2016

      I forgot to mention he is heavy porn addict! He thinks that is how women really act when they like sex and love a person. Constant comparison to porn stars.

  • jrtzrule@yahoo.com'
    A Friend
    December 2, 2016

    Long but worth it. Enjoy.

    Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial. The denial is based on the emotional connection (love) because a target/victim hangs on to the belief that this Narcissist loved them and it is very hard to let go of that. A normal person just can’t turn love OFF – but a Narcissist can turn it off just as easily as they turned it on because love is a tool they use to con people! They DON’T love because they don’t have the emotions or empathy to support it! So we all had an expiration date that was set in stone by the Narcissist when something newer came along.
    Because there was LOVE involved with this person (the Narcissist,) we believe that they could have NEVER committed the atrocities that stand before us! Love is a VERY strong emotional attachment! It is virtually impossible to TRULY accept the hideous reality that the person who claimed to be the love of your life, or a parent, brother/sister, or even your loving best friend is actually a Malignant Narcissist that ABUSES you. No way, this was the real thing, this person totally LOVED you and you loved them. It was SO REAL and you just can’t ascertain that someone could be that adept at conning you into LOVING them and then being so toxic in your life! You try to justify this over and over again and you keep returning to this powerful emotion that you shared reciprocal LOVE with your Narcissist. Yes you do feel love because you are NORMAL and can love – but that is all you are feeling the love YOU have for THEM!
    You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!
    Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel shabby about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the good things that showed this person (the Narcissist) was actually reciprocating with love.
    I think most of us know the root of the problem, but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing – this love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more LOVE would heal! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering?
    Was there anyone else (like the Narcissist) involved in the process to make this relationship work or right again or was there actually someone that was making everything wrong (the Narcissist?) Did you ever have a firm grip on this relationship as far as security and a future? Were you ALWAYS walking on thin ice and feeling that at any given moment it would break and you would fall through and drown? Were you giving EVERYTHING you had and received nothing in return? What if ANYTHING actually CHANGED with the extreme attempts that you made to fix this relationship! You and I changed as a result of all of this – we gave most of ourselves away because we were dealing with a psychological abuser and terrorist that PLAYED with us in a cat and mouse manner, and they were so good at it! Yes we changed and lost so much of ourselves in this horrendous game only because we were conned into BELIEVING A HUGE LIE by a manipulative and self-serving creature! So much of our belief system was shattered as well as our innocence as it concerned how another human being could hate and deliberately destroy another human being’s life. THEN we realize that we loved this monster that did all of this. That is the mistake we have made MANY times, the one where we start looking inward and applying blame to ourselves in many ways, as well as denying that this couldn’t be real love and the whole vicious cycle starts and repeats itself over and over again. It is OUR emotional bond that has us attached at the hip to the Narcissist and that is what keeps you hanging on.
    These were just some ‘examples’ and observations as it concerned my relationship with a Narcissist and ONLY the tip of the iceberg! It is also familiar or very similar to what many other targets/victims have experienced. Ask yourself how you feel today (post abuse?) Let’s say it is a few months to a few years AFTER this relationship ended. Do you still feel very alone and just so worn out. Do you feel a sense of worthlessness like you don’t have a place in this life like you use to? Do you feel hurt by many things that surrounded the relationship and can’t get to a real closure yet? Are you still wondering WHY? Do you feel like you are avoiding life in many ways like getting back out there with friends and you definitely don’t want to think about getting into another relationship? Are YOU the spouse that has accepted ALL the responsibilities as far as raising the kids from this relationship and still enduring the highs and lows because of the lack of involvement from your ex and regular bouts of chaos? Do you keep tabs on what and where your ex Narcissist is in life and feeling that they have moved on and doing good and you are JUST STUCK? Do you feel disabled in many ways?
    With all of the extreme confusion that surrounded the departure of this abusive Narcissist from your life you were left with significant and distorted messages that put the heavy burden of the blame onto and into you and those messages are still living in your mind and heart! This is the same confusion that always surrounded every aspect of the relationship and has now has reemerged and turned into more denial of the real truth with the discard. This denial has planted itself firmly in your life and keeps you in a constant state of limbo in your mind and your heart. It is really a chaotic conflict that keeps cycling back and forth inside of you. Consequently instead of confronting the reality (or truth) you keep turning to every other avenue to reach a closure that ISN’T based on reality and you BASICALLY reject that you were abused by a predator. You don’t really see that it was abuse because you were conditioned to see it as something about YOU that caused everything disparaging in this relationship. When a person is physically abused with a blackened eye for example, that singular action undeniably DEFINES it as abuse to you personally, as well as anyone that sees the damage. With psychological abuse there is no one singular action that leaves an outward bruise. Sometimes you are not even aware of all the actions and words that are harming you. The bruises are on the inside as well as the many scars that build up. It makes it extremely difficult to express the damage that lives in your heart, soul and mind because they are so many there in every level of your life. So where do you start to reconcile?
    This is basically conditioning as in being ‘brainwashed’ by a very manipulative and cunning person AND a pro at it! That Narcissist wanted you to BELIEVE that they REALLY loved you at first, but when they REALLY got to know you in such a personal/loving manner then all of a sudden they realized that YOU really had all of these horrible issues and that YOU were REALLY defective and abusing them. REALLY? They have been sending this message to you subtly from the very first day they met you and then stepped it up with the devaluation and discard because that expiration date was inevitable. The Narcissist has been out there securing MORE supply probably the same day they met you! So look at the focus and where it was aimed – at your vulnerable loving heart and mind! Why doesn’t a Narcissist just take the goods and run when they are caught? Why do they have to play such harsh psychological games to harm people? Why do they have to destroy as much of you as they can? So they can keep abusing new people and avoiding exposure by destroying the evidence or the last person they abused!
    Simply put this is just part of the agenda that enables them to MOVE ON by blaming you (devaluing) and then discarding you! This is them getting away with their abuse. This very astute con artist got everything they wanted with their big love scam and they needed to move on and find better supply because you just weren’t serving them and they got bored and went out looking for something better! There was never any real love! They were ALWAYS looking for more supply even when things were supposedly good. So when you reached your ‘expiration date’ they were off to a new target/victim and unscathed because they had an alibi (blaming everything on you) like every criminal does and dysfunctional people that believe them and support them! Their alibi enables them to avoid exposure by discrediting you completely! Job well done and the Narcissist is off and running. Don’t try to make them accountable because they will start a war with you that will literally drive the point home that if you play with them they will discredit you with words (LIES) that can damage you for a lifetime. This is their lifestyle, this is their disorder, this is always what they do, this is their pattern, this is abuse, and THIS IS A NARCISSIST!
    You are disabled by their HUGE con and not truly capable of accepting any part of the reality because of the constant brainwashing which now becomes your vulnerability in all of this! The TRUTH or reality of the situation that it was abuse becomes suppressed and surfaces as anxiety, depression, self-blaming, worthlessness, fear, and trauma – the VERY messages that were pounded into your head and now your heart. Rather than confronting this reality, targets/victims entirely go into a place of denial like they were conditioned to do by their abuser. It is not that you are just that stupid or that much of a fool that you totally allowed this relationship to put you here. You were CONTINUALLY managed down by seamless manipulation slowly but surely and day by day until all of these scenarios became a way of life for you. Little by little you accepted your role with this Narcissist. Now little by little you must purge these negative messages out and replace them with the truth and positive messages about yourself! Introspection will become your next step in recovery once you actualize the real truth of your situation. You will look for your personal weaknesses and create new boundaries and a healthier lifestyle. That is when you will put the emphasis TOTALLY into yourself to move forward without any singular thought of this Narcissist.
    You were akin to being a personal lab rat for this Narcissist that was reinforced and shocked so many times that you learned how to respond to the stimuli that was presented to you. You were confined in a cage with a water bottle and a dispenser that would basically give you a few pellets of food when you responded the way you should have. Your life was totally controlled by another. If you didn’t respond correctly you would be shocked with a jolt of electricity that drove the point home to change your behavior to get that life sustaining food. Even when you were performing normally you were still shocked now and then to comply with whatever NEW conditions were set for you. This was basically behavioral modification to make you serve a destructive creature that was so very clever with their deception and choice of poison to get you to this place BUT hid it all behind a mask of sanity like they were your savior and the GOOD person.
    SO today you are left with all of those messages that modified your beliefs about this relationship and yourself. Seriously it is very sad to know this and to have to believe this. NOW you are free and out of that cage but you are still left in that mode of trying to respond the way you were conditioned to and hanging on to the wrong beliefs. This is what psychological abuse is all about – conditioning and control! It sounds a little bit crazy of course, but positive/negative behavioral modification is part of our everyday life. That is why there are laws, rules and regulations to protect good people and avert crime. But behavioral modification to gain power and control over another person in a manner to subjugate them is psychological abuse, sadistic, and basically terrorism! This is a Narcissist’s modus operandi or mode of operation that they willfully choose to extort life and people!
    At some point in your relationship the evidence of your Narcissist’s highly disturbed/distorted personality reared its ugly face, especially once this Narcissist was no longer invested in you (the devaluation and discard phases.) Then the Narcissist no longer makes a significant effort to keep his/her invented and fake mask of deception on. Then total denial is no longer possible with you but the damage is already done. The floodgates of reality suddenly burst wide open and a whole new set of inconsistencies, horrendous lies, manipulations, criticism, rage and emotional/psychological abuse flows through to the surface of your consciousness and becomes a new reality! Unfortunately the behavioral modification and psychological abuse still keeps you locked up in that cage hanging on and believing. If there is no one there to totally release you and stop those messages they stay with you for a very long time and you want to run back to the comfort of that cage and keep pressing on that bar in hopes that you will receive a few pellets of reinforcement where there is none! You hold on to the distorted beliefs that this was love and you bend so much so that you practically snap in half.
    It is virtually impossible to absorb such painful information AND the truth all at once. Your heart still yearns for what you were persuaded to believe during the ‘love bombing’ that this WAS somehow love! Your mind is still overwhelmed with the memories of the so called good times with the Narcissist. Yet, the truth about the infidelity, the constant lies and deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing, the constant breakups and returns can no longer be denied because the truth is staring at you in the eyes! You can’t undo the damage AND everything you have learned about the Narcissist. You can’t return to the point of original innocence and the total blindness. The ‘end result’ is this contradictory existence and a HUGE internal battle clinging to the denial or accepting the real truth. How many times did you do this in the relationship by returning to a day or two of fake happiness and then it was right back to the same old same old? This is the definition of cognitive dissonance!
    Cognitive dissonance is this inner contradiction concerning the target/victim’s attitude towards their abuser (the Narcissist.) It is by far not logical or normal thinking, but more of a defense mechanism for coping with the extreme deception, domination, control and abuse. Targets/victims engage in cognitive dissonance, in an attempt to reconcile the contradictory actions, words and behavior of a toxic or disordered individual that has taken over their lives. Yes taken over their lives!
    The denial takes on several different forms. First it can manifest itself as hanging onto the idealization (believing it WAS love) or still hanging onto the false hopes and beliefs from the trap that lured you in (the love bombing!) It can also shift in a manner that we do blame ourselves for what went wrong with the relationship or perhaps even shifting the blame to the person that the Narcissist was cheating with or the new supply (the ‘other’ man or woman) instead of holding the Narcissist accountable for their actions! It is by far easier to blame someone you’re not emotionally invested in than someone you love, particularly if you still cling to that person or relationship. Remember the ‘new supply’ is no part of this and they are being conned and psychologically abused as well. It is only a matter of time that the ‘new supply’ will be in this same place!
    Have you justified infidelity during your time with this Narcissist? Did you hold onto the belief that after this lurid ‘new’ affair was over with that things would go back to normal – or even after the discard the Narcissist would return to you because THEY LOVE YOU! Did you justify or deny that the affair or the new supply exists in a manner that they are just not real or temporary as it concerns your future and getting back with the Narcissist so you just accept or justify this! Do you sit there, waiting and believing that your Narcissist is going to knock at your door and come back to you? How many times did this Narcissist do this to you during the course of the relationship by always using deception to cover up so many lies and betrayal? That is the REAL message right there! You are not anything real to this Narcissist and replaceable! In time you do actualize the truth that they aren’t there in any normal sense of a viable relationship!
    So more than often target/victims project the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally wouldn’t. After all it was YOUR fault as we were made to believe! We got there because we accepted all of the Narcissist’s projection of blame and began questioning ourselves AND our emotions led us there. What did we do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about us that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Was I not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t I give enough, do I REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said. Did I, could I, should I, if I? It is always the same coefficient from the Narcissist constantly managing you down and it always became OUR issues and never holding this monster accountable for what was only psychological abuse. We never get it that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse so we live with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.
    When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize reality or accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissists doesn’t fully sink in on the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL. Plus we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old idealized fantasy that was pounded into our mind and heart and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it. This is such a confusing process as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase and LOVED so ideally the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy still remains that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not YOU. You feel that you weren’t right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it only reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists don’t know love or feel love with ANYBODY they are only looking for supply. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away! Everyone has an expiration date!
    This is the fantasy (manipulation) that the Narcissist tries to convince every target/victim of once they enter the devaluation phase and that it is the problem is never with the them (the Narcissist.) Narcissists do truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they are no longer vested in or excited by a person, the Narcissist concludes it must be your fault because YOU were deficient or defiant and didn’t serve them in every way they deserved to be treated – omnipotence. That is where the incredulous stories and lies come from as it concerns the Narcissist pinning this all on you (smear campaign!) Then WHO has ever tested the Narcissist by trying to completely expose them, and were they successful. What law protects a target/victim and makes the Narcissist’s accountable with criminal charges! The Narcissist is a clever thief and usually has minions that claim his/her innocence and turns it back onto us! Karma and time will get them for sure because their lies do catch up with them!
    Because you put up with the emotional and psychological abuse from this Narcissist you were with for such a long time and because the devaluation phase was also so long and drawn-out, you have absorbed AND accepted these particular beliefs despite everything you NOW know about this Narcissist’s inability to love or even care about others. In time and with no contact, the rational knowledge and emotional beliefs that this was real love will merge so you can accept this duality of what you believed and what is really the ugly truth. The last bits and pieces of this totally distorted illusion of this Narcissist loving you will diminish so the real healing CAN begin! BUT you have to put the effort there to stop the messages as well as anything that concerns them or you will constantly spin your wheels and stay stuck in this victim mode and BLAMING yourself. The reality here is that this was abuse!
    Cognitive dissonance is part of the disabling process of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist and doesn’t occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities merging. But by far one or the other person doesn’t have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get and it is pretty consistent, flaws and all. ALSO healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist! Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality and an increasingly implausible fantasy which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move on.
    So what is related to this cognitive dissonance is that the Narcissist still has a form of power over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your brain AND heart. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another the Narcissist’s opinions still somehow matter to you (those old message still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words and opinions are distorted and delusional with a personal and self-serving agenda attached to them! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling and abusive bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly disordered person too much power over you.
    Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist’s and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension or cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this means to free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention! Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies to protect themselves from exposure and the real truth of what they are. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and really a monster! These are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again! This was the first step to my recovery but a very important one for clarity!
    What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything, you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you have to actualize by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it wasn’t real it was a trap. This is where you must start by rationalizing the truth and rejecting everything about this Narcissist. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! No/minimal contact PLEASE. Greg
    Others should know

    • madsonlj36@gmail.com'
      Lisa Madson
      January 1, 2017

      Every bit I could have wrote. thank you. I was in some crazy despair….nights are so difficult.

    • caseyann.seeger@gmail.com'
      Casey
      January 12, 2018

      After reading your post, I cannot believe how spot on everything you said relates to my current situation. Feeling so confused, frustrated, emotionally drained but yet continuing to basically put myself in harm’s way, knowing what the outcome is gong to be each and every time. Knowing you are still being lied to, knowing this person does not care about you in the least, knowing they aren’t capable of love and aren’t able to show any empathy, compassion or remorse. Knowing this is not what a healthy relationship looks like, knowing this is abuse, knowing this is wrong, but continuing to accept the crumbs he gives every so often. I am so angry for allowing myself to let someone treat me like this and I know it has to do with a childhood wound from my dad passing away from cancer when i was five years old. I believe I have a fear of abandonement and/or feel that I never properly grieved his loss? I was a daddy’s girl and my mom said we did everything together. It’s always been something that I have felt a huge void in my life and was always seeking that fatherly attention/love in relationships that I never got growing up. Which, of course, led me to become involved in very unhealthy, abusive relationships that I would continue to stay in for way too long. I thought I could be the one to change them, that they loved me enough to change their ways, but of course, they never changed. Fortunately, I did have some healthy relationships with guys, which has helped me in this current relationship to keep telling myself that the behavior of this current person is so wrong. You don’t want to believe that someone could be so cold, so cruel but at one time they were so loving, kind and sweet. That someone could show no emotion to you laying on the floor crying and could very easily walk away from you and show no concern or comfort you in any way. It is almost as if they are disgusted with the fact that you are crying. But, you go right back to them even after they have shown such insidious behavior and have sex with them at the drop of a hat and afterward feeling used and disgusted with yourself that you again gave your power away to this evil person. They got what they wanted and they know they can treat you like shit and you will still be there. I never in my life imagined that there are such cold, heartless, deceitful, evil human beings walking around amongst us, nor did I realize that I would be affected so negatively by someone like this. My world has been turned upside down, I have become someone I don’t even know. I hate that I let this continue and enabled him to keep treating me the way he has. I did start thinking I was crazy or there was something wrong with me until I stumbled upon some articles about NPD and realized what it was that I was really dealing with. It helps so much to know that there are other people that know exactly what you are going through, they get it, they understand. And, you know you aren’t crazy but have been made to believe by the narcissist, that you are. I am working hard everyday build up my self worth and self esteem and know that I deserve so much better than what is being thrown at me. I know I need to focus on healing my inner wounds so I can go on to live a happier, healthier life. Not only do I need to do this for myself but also need to do this for my kids. They deserve to have a healthy mom that they can be proud of and have respect for. It’s going to take time and effort but I know i will get there. I can feel love and empathy but they never will and will continue going from relationship to relationship never knowing what true love feels like. But, I can have a healthy relationship with someone that respects me, loves me unconditionally, is honest and sincere, their actions match their words and I know that I can trust them completely because they could never even imagine cheating on me or doing anything that would hurt me. The narcississt will do anything that benefits them and they could care less how their actions affect others. I don’t want to waste any more time or energy on this toxic person. I don’t want to care what they think or do any more. I just want to finally be able to walk away and never look back. Thank you so much for getting me to face the reality I have known all along. Your words truly spoke to me as I felt you were writing about my life. It helps so much to know that I’m not alone and there are others that have been through this and have survived and healed. It means so much!

    • runfromnarcopathsforever@gmail.com'
      Holly
      June 15, 2018

      All I can say is THANK YOU! I will read this every day until I reach full recovery. THANK YOU!

  • pyukonis@yahoo.com'
    Peter Yukonis
    September 19, 2017

    I would like to submit to you the possibility of an exception to the rule of the narc’s destructive sexual relations and behavior. If the narc is more or less aware of their own nature (which is absolutely possible at least among highly intelligent narcs) and if their partner is also aware of it and can derive pleasure from it, then the relationship may be constructive rather than destructive.

    What kind of person derives pleasure from being another person’s object, from being manipulated, frustrated, abused etc? Why the masochist, of course!

    I am a sexual masochist myself, and currently in a relationship with a narc who fulfills the requirement of self-awareness. When we play, it’s pure fireworks. Her need to humiliate, frustrate and objectify me perfectly matches my need for these things to be done to me. When we don’t play we talk about it. We talk about the nature of her desires, where they come from (she is fully aware of the injury she sustained as a child that made her into what she is today; something to do with her parents), how to regulate and “sandbox” them, and how to set and respect boundaries in real life.

    I believe it is helping her to be a more content person who doesn’t hurt innocent third parties. She tells me that since we started, she is much more at ease with the rest of her social relations, and less paranoid about other people’s motivations. My hope is that with time I will be able to help her become whole. She deserves it. She is just another hurt human being struggling terribly with the demons of her childhood.

    I can’t speak with authority on this yet since our relationship is still young but intuitively it makes sense to me. An important caveat is that this may not work with a narc who is incapable of self recognition.

    • marywandera@gmail.com'
      Mary
      October 1, 2017

      I’ve been in a similar relationship. I don’t hate the guy, he helped me elevate into consciousness. But I couldn’t be fully manipulated or controlled. A true narc (in my case covert saddist) has to have all control and a submissive partner. Are you sure she’s not giving you some sort of high in return, how can we be sure you’re not speaking of yourself. Injecting your thoughts as her words? Personally I like to look at things in layers. The top (the reality we project)..this is what you’re feeding us, the middle (somewhere in between, the “truth”) and the deepest layer (the core of it all, childhood abuse, where if began and mechanisms used to cope). Generally were all lieing to ourselves, since the majority of time is spent in our own heads. But I don’t believe that a relationship lacking of emotional attachment feeds anything, there’s no growth, self improvement, long term anything. It’s literally void. A relationship with a narcissist is a relationship with a false self. It doesn’t exist.

  • marywandera@gmail.com'
    Mary
    October 1, 2017

    I loved the article.
    I like the self reflection portion, for self awareness, growth and elevating into consciousness. But ladies and gents please don’t blame yourself for being lied to, cheated on, disrespected and seeing the mask fall too late (covert narcs). It took 3 years to catch this bastard and to fully understand what I was dealing with (piece by piece) and as soon as I pieced it together I never looked back. I couldn’t recognize the demon standing in front of me. These covert narcs are lethal in the sense that they can hide their evil core well, explain themselves out of everything, and act as if they stand for something (religion, you, marriage, etc) when they stand for nothing at all. Complete voids. Then when there is silence we rationalize the rest. Blame yourself only when you see the mask fall off and choose to stay and be abused. That’s when we limit our own growth and elevation into consciousness. But honey, when you arrive, you will see everything for what is, an illusion. Systems of manipulation, control and fantasy (credit, marriage, employment, praising of celebrities i.e narcissists) and etc. Now you can create your own reality.

  • holisticservice@gmail.com'
    GWillow
    February 10, 2018

    Though my deepest wounding in narcissistic abuse comes from being raised by one, my father, I had a recently dating experience that was short but dangerous. Over a five week period I met a man who I offered a brief hiatus place to stay (he knew several friends of mine in the community), which turned into a sexual relationship, and quickly escalated into financial abuse, psychological/emotional abuse, and sexual abuse. I became ‘stuck’ with him staying at my place and was initially shocked and confused as his ‘exquisite eloquence’ and charm turned into sadism, perversion, and extreme control. He was turned on by inflicting pain and fear. Being degraded, humiliated, hurt, shamed sexually is deep wounding. It is so sick. I would disassociate and did not know how to get out of the situation with him seeing he was now in my sacred space, my home. We were lovers (ha!) for less than two weeks. Then I took my power back, put his things in the driveway, and demanded my key back at a coffee shop. I am now in counseling at the local rape/crisis center and doing this NARC program to recover from him and from my being raised my a narc father.

    I am extremely grateful for this work, this healing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2018

      Hi GWillow,

      I am so pleased you are out and healing now.

      Bless you and wishing you incredible healing.

      Mel xo

  • lucyelizabethtaylour@gmail.com'
    sternschnuppe
    February 12, 2018

    whats module do you do for this

    • lucyelizabethtaylour@gmail.com'
      sternschnuppe
      February 12, 2018

      referring to the very first comment on this.

      Teri 2014 Teri
      August 14, 2014
      Wow. Thanks for the great article. Sex with my N was like getting raped. It was never great because it was all about him. But as time went by (25 years) it was just another tool he used to get what he wanted and it was very violating. He got very deep into porn, secret vigra pills, and the sex toys were gross. I never could understand the need for any toys as I always felt my other partners were equipped with everything that was ever needed to have sex. I truly began to feel like a whore, not even a high paid prostitute, but a whore. He had no respect for me at all. I know I need some healing in that department if I ever want to have a whole relationship with another man. Is good to know I am not alone and my experience was not that uncommon with a narcissist.

  • snroses@gmail.com'
    Sarah
    February 27, 2018

    Wow
    This is so spot on, I have moved past the initial pain, so this for me was another ‘aha’ moment where you made sense of the craziness.
    I have had a number of narcs in my life, and each time I have known that I deserve better. With the most recent a year ago, the strangeness on every level was like the universe slapping me with a wet fish!!!
    He lives in Melbourne and I live in Perth, so the universe was certainly protecting me, but I knew that he was cheating and seeing other women. The excuses, “Im going away for the weekend with John up the road, you remember him…the old guy…he wants some company”
    Either it was a Brokeback Mountain situation or he was with a woman, either way…it was cheating…
    so many lies and B.S…
    There was nothing, absolutely nothing in the sex, no foreplay, nothing in fact it was pretty much straight to the act..no affection, no kissing, and he had to take drugs and get himself drunk or almost drunk to ‘perform’ as he put it.
    The expectation of positions that I was not comfortable with, was his way of controlling me, telling me that I was not experienced etc, the porn, the dating sites….Oh my god, I could go on…
    All I know and knew was that I did not want that life, and I did not want that reality, but it took me a while…that is the truth.
    I have also realised that if a man smears every woman that he has been with, that that is a major red flag…
    Thank you Mel, for being so spot on again.
    Just a thought…
    Have you thought of writing a Narc red flag manual for people to avoid these people, they all have exactly the same behaviours 🙂

    thanks again xx

  • liz.hibbert@hotmail.com'
    Liz H
    March 2, 2018

    I am so confused by this. I have been thinking about this for a while. At first, me and the narc were very sexual. As time went on, I started not wanting to have any sexual contact with him. I would make me cringe. He would beg and get mad at me when I said no until I was guilted into it. I thought the problem was me. He always held it over my head, that he was the way he was with me because I never wanted to have sex. Sometimes he would get forceful. Ultimately, he found someone that would give him the attention I wasn’t. I wasn’t even attracted to him anymore. As soon as he followed through with all his threats of leaving me because of the lack of sex, I suddenly wanted him. This makes me feel like it is my fault.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Liz H,

      really the truth sweetheart is that all of us, as a result of why we got with narcissists, have our won childhood traumas and attachment issues to heal.

      Whether you gave him sex or not – a narcissistic partner, by the very definition of a narcissist, is abusive.

      Our healing and release into true and healthy relationships, where we are healthy in them, comes from healing out childhood trauma. Have you checked out my free resources which can help? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

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