Melanie Tonia Evans

First Ever Male Thriver Show!

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 3
20
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Today is a very exciting day because it is our first ever radio show in the Male Thriver Series.

The community has been asking for Male Thrivers for some time, and as a result I sent out an email to male NARPers within the NARP Community to see if they would like to come forward to share their stories.

Quite a few of the guys responded, and Scott was one of these men.

In Scott’s interview he explains why many men don’t come forward for support or to share, and why so many of them do suffer in silence.

Within this interview, Scott describes the details of his narcissistic abuse experience, how quickly the commitment and the pressure of the relationship formed, and how despite family problems he had to always focus on his partner – to his and his families detriment.

After several years of abuse, Scott was simply trying to cope in survival mode. Finally, after a few attempts, Scott finally left the relationship.

Scott’s story contains information about his inner healing journey with The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, co-parenting and a wonderful Modified Contact tool called Our Family Wizard

It is wonderful that many men have been contacting me saying how much they are looking forward to this show.

I really believe the Male Thriver Series is going to be a great resource, and I know that many ladies will enjoy hearing the men’s stories too!

If you have any questions or comments for Scott or myself please post below.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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20 Thoughts on First Ever Male Thriver Show!
  • stevenstills@gmail.com'
    Andrew
    August 6, 2014

    Question for Scott:

    Hi Scott. I’m suffering from abuse by my NPDgf, who I have been with for 15 years. I had the insane jealousy you mentioned whenever I was out doing something else but also verbal abuse. I’ve also suffered from sexual abuse in terms of withholding while she comes out with tales of sexy episodes from her past, including group sex. I wonder if you has anything like this?

    • scott.marett@gmail.com'
      Scott
      August 6, 2014

      Hi Andrew,
      Thank you for coming forward and asking your question, I am hoping many more men out there come forward to.
      Our sex life was terrible, lucky to be at best 4 times per year, and always that “lure” that if you didn’t make her accountable you might get sex… that holding out and stringing you along… only giving you enough “love” to survive.
      I recall whilst on holidays in Malaysia, in mid 2000s, I felt like we were bonding, and instigated sex then was promptly told that if I wanted sex I would have to get it from a prostitute. Pretty crushing at the time especially when you feel like you’ve bent over backwards and turned yourself inside out!
      From doing the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program I quickly discovered how co-dependant I was, putting the responsibility of how I should feel in someone else’s (actually everyone elses) hands other than my own.
      It’s been a journey of complete personal empowerment which continues to go from strength to strength.
      Please feel free to ask more questions or should you need further clarification I’m very happy to assist.

      • stevenstills@gmail.com'
        Andrew
        August 7, 2014

        Hi Scott. Thanks so much for your reply. The sex withholding sounds very similar to my NPDgf. I wonder if there are any other similarities? After 15 years of withholding, maybe once a year if that, mine knocked me absolutely sideways a few months ago and cut my heart like a knife by suddenly and very casually bragging about how she had had a foursome and threesome when she was younger and that this was because she was an alpha female – all her previous boyfriends were alpha too except me. Since then she has been gleefully talking about former lovers in some detail. I’m still so hooked I’m finding it hard to leave – I wonder if you or anyone else here had anything like this sort of taunting and abuse too?

        • scott.marett@gmail.com'
          Scott
          August 7, 2014

          Hi Andrew,
          Certainly that type of abuse existed, and other people may also have experienced that, and I understand that it can be difficult to leave… it took me 3 attempts!
          The resounding fact is, that you are responsible to take that step and “save” yourself. No one can do that for you.
          The e-books within NARP are invaluable resources for our male logical brains to understand and “activate your mission” to heal… This “Mission” aspect I believe for men is extremely important and helps provide that drive.
          The NARP forums are very supportive, and with a NARP money back guarantee you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
          I wish you all the best and encourage you to take that step.

  • theonedewey@hotmail.com'
    Clarie
    August 7, 2014

    This was an excellent show Melanie! Thank you Scott for being so candid! That was wonderful! This interview helped me to see that the abuse is basically the same from narc men and women, the tactics they employ and the self serving agendas and the effects are basically the same. Our social gender conditioning seems to make what impacts us a little different but the suffering and loss is basically the same.
    Narcs are narcs.. it doesn’t matter if they are female or male.
    I’m so glad I wasn’t married to, although I had a child with the first narc experience (I hesitate to call that a relationship) but he abandoned our child and I which meant no contact with him and our child for most of his life. I spared myself and my son from biting a bullet there.
    It really does help to see this from a recovering male perspective in that men are not the mystery women have been conditioned to believe they are. We suffer the same, and we recover the same. This is a wonderful comfort.
    I think a prerequisite for any permanent relationship I might have in the future is participation in the NARP process.
    Again, thank you Scott! I’m looking forward to hearing more from the men in NARP! 🙂

    • scott.marett@gmail.com'
      Scott
      August 7, 2014

      You are very welcome Clarie, and thank you for your feedback.
      From what I know now, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is more prevalent in society that what most of us understand, and in fact it is on the rise. I remember reading a study in the US, that over 3% of the US population suffer from this damaging disorder. Thank goodness for NARP I say and I hope we can all get the message out there to raise our consciousness towards these behaviors and situations.

  • Suvsjobline@yahoo.com'
    Myrtle
    August 7, 2014

    Melanie, love to have this available as a podcast, and hope you’re expanding in that direction. Scott had spoken of a website whose name I didn’t catch, and I wasn’t able to easily rewind.
    Additionally, Melanie’s side is so hard to hear in this! I don’t seem to hear the Australian accent often (Joe Cross is making progress here lol), so I find myself really struggling to parse your conversation.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2014

      Hi Myrtle,

      You can listen to my shows as podcasts via itunes.

      If you look on the media page https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/media.htm , you’ll see two purple icons – one is rss feed, and the other is Itunes Podcast. All you have to do is click on the podcast link to download them to your computer.

      The website link is featured above in the article for easy reference.

      I am sorry you struggle with my accent!

      Mel x

  • Suvsjobline@yahoo.com'
    Myrtle
    August 7, 2014

    Scott, thanks for your candor and congratulations on building a new life for yourself and your child.

    I’ve a question for you. many of we women have found we glossed over the “red flags” that were present early on with our relationships with men. You shared that your story accelerated because of the pregnancy.

    But in looking back, what red flags do you feel you ignored?

    • scott.marett@gmail.com'
      Scott
      August 7, 2014

      Hi Myrtle,
      Thank you for your feedback and question.
      There were many red flags at the beginning of the relationship which were very clear indicators. Gas lighting was extremely prevalent, with statements of “this or that person agrees with my perspective”, or she would “rebuild” the perspective of the situation in order to try to invalidate my feelings and thoughts around the situation. When you know your “gut” is right, however your narc partner is very convincing, which is when your self doubt and trusting yourself begins to diminish allowing the gas lighting to become more effective.
      Another red flag was with her relationships with others, both friends and family. There always seemed to be a “battle” with someone going on. The perspective of “your either with me or against me” was always present whether related to her persepctive, thoughts or agenda.
      Playing the bigger victim in almost all circumstances.
      Wasn’t able to apologise for her actions, unless of course it was in the breaking up phase a few days later. Over the last 12 years she would have apologised less that a handful of times.
      I often ignored these flags as I wanted the family unit to remain together, that it was easier to stay… even though I was dying inside.

  • klhlist@gmail.com'
    Karen
    August 7, 2014

    the description sounds less like a real NPD relationship but rather a normal falling out of love with people who were incompatible in the first place. this is equally sad, but calling something NPD is something of a cottage industry these days.

    It also seems that a lot of things that appear selfish are simply the reactions to a dissatisfying situation that are the ego trying to reassert itself – that goes for both people involved – so while I think Scott was right to be tired of the relationship, since he was not getting what he had thought he should be, but I think it was not necessarily NPD – people have expectations of what a marriage means in terms of what they are entitled to that come from culture and many areas and these feelings can seem NPD to someone with a completely different upbringing and understanding of what a marriage should bring to the participants. Scott mentioned things happened so fast that they probably had not gotten a chance to find out what their shared goals were – and often people think their goals are so universal they dont even ask (and of course they are not universal).

    so sad for all three people involved.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2014

      Hi Karen,

      Really felt the need to interject.

      What part of NPD did you miss in the interview? A threat to burn the house down is normal? As well as the extreme forms of necessary attention and entitlement. Do you believe those levels exist in ‘normal’ relationships? You obviously did not listen to the interview of the official psychiatric diagnosis of 3 personality disorders. This ex partner was very disordered. Yes it is terribly sad for all three, and absolutely devastating that it couldn’t be healthy for them or their son, and has no hope of growth, healing and reform.

      Karen this is not about throwing around labels…there is an enormous difference between failed relationships and ones containing PD people – they are universes apart.

      I struggle to believe you yourself have ever been narc abused Karen. Your comment ‘Scott was tired of the relationship and wanted to leave it’ is NOT anything like the reality of N-Abuse…and I promise you an extremely distasteful comment to anyone who is accused of ‘getting tired of the rship and maybe not trying hard enough’.

      Karen he left BECAUSE the relationship was sucking him dry and literally killing him.

      That is why we eventually crawl out of these relationships barely alive…and that is NOTHING like your assumption.

      Mel xo

    • danedwards@live.com.au'
      Dan
      August 8, 2014

      Karen,

      We are all have the right to our own opinion but it is best to have an opinion that is both well informed and empathetic.

      When Mel sent out her request for men to speak, I strongly considered it, however this sort of judgement is what held me back. My situation included violence and these days I understand that violence generally manifests after everything else has been stripped of a person. When I have discussed my personal experience I tend to leave things like this out. Scott probably has not told all the finer details as to a lot of us guys it is difficult to talk about.
      Please note that I am not saying being in this situation is not difficult for ladies or that men have it harder. In my own case, I have done most of the work on my own and quietly for fear of the type of critique that you have expressed. There was a time when your comments would have set me back as I would have felt that my feelings are unjustified and ladies have it harder.
      Thankfully that is no longer a problem for me but it will still be a problem for others.
      Melanie has built a community about moving forward, not living in the past and mutual respect. Melanie, thank you for that.

  • jan@bonsmarahaven.com.au'
    Jan
    August 7, 2014

    Great listen, they obviously all very similar, mentally draining, pathological liars, sexually abusive, manipulators, cunning as rats, and everything is about them…….boy what a way for them to live. Continually hurting the people they connect with and with no conscious, they leave and couldn’t give a stuff.
    I didn’t know anything about narcissism either but I certainly do now. Mine loved everything I did at first and then slowly isolated me from friends, and slowly withdraw all the things we did together that we loved, she would have an excuse for not doing them anymore. I adored her children and she used them to get the Narc supply. Horrible disorder, an awareness of it should be out there…
    Cheersx

  • carol.artlife@gmail.com'
    Carol
    August 7, 2014

    What a great radio show. It was heartening for me to listen to a down to earth male perspective, and I feel that this is vital for the healing of both genders. All the best Scott. Thank you xx

  • scott.marett@gmail.com'
    Scott
    August 7, 2014

    Thank you Carol. I appreciated your feedback.
    I hope through sharing my experience that others, men and women included, can benefit and take those crucial steps towards healing themselves to empowering their own lives.

  • saralou_d@yahoo.com'
    Sara
    August 8, 2014

    Hi Scott,

    You said something that really resonated with me about putting the responsibility of how I feel in someone else’s hands, and then you said anyone else’s. I’ve done the NARP program and have uncovered many, many of my personal wounds and have healed tremendously. My interest now is more about understanding my co-dependency. Something I see myself doing is clinging to some of my friendships, especially the ones I desire to be close friendships. I find that once I decide to cling to someone for a closer relationship I get really hurt when the closeness I desire is not reciprocated. My hurt then blinds me to my co-dependency and I tend to shut down about the relationship in order to ease the pain. Is this something like what you meant and a manifestation of co-dependency? This is a repeated pattern in my life and I would like to recognize what I’m doing and be able to heal this particular wound so that hopefully I will begin to have healthy relationships with people.

    Thank you for sharing today. It does mean a lot that there are men (and women) out there doing their work so that we can all have healthier relationships and a healthier world.

    • scott.marett@gmail.com'
      Scott
      August 8, 2014

      Hi Sara,
      Thank you for your feedback, much appreciated.
      Co-dependency and healing aspects of this may take some ongoing work to shift, as there tends to be layers of it. Every time those anxious feelings caused by rejection and isolation come up these are showing our unhealed wounds.
      These unhealed wounds do continue to present themselves in different ways and I’ve found by doing a healing after the anxiety is triggered is a perfect time to shift these co-dependency beliefs on!

      • saralou_d@yahoo.com'
        Sara
        August 8, 2014

        Well stated, Scott, and you are correct, it is that layer I need to work on that is presenting itself. I’m so grateful that I am at least willing to look at the healing aspect within myself without striking out at who is hurting me but why I am hurting. And because of the work I’ve been doing, it is something I know I can go to in order to heal myself no matter what others are or aren’t doing (as Melanie says). So grateful for finding her, as I know you are.

  • jennifer.dugena@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    August 11, 2014

    Thanks Scott for sharing your story. That same characteristic of narcs — for example if you tell a story of something bad that happened to you, they’ll find a way to dismiss or sort of one-up you by saying — oh that’s nothing compared to what happened to me or something to that effect. When my narc ex did this, I sometimes felt little as if what I feel or said or what happened to me is nothing. Any feelings I had werent acknowledged. This is very subtle & only remembered this thanks to this episode — I now realize, this seems to be one of the hallmark of narcs! – & a very subtle one.

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