When we have been abused by a narcissistic/sociopath, we absolutely know what it is like to feel stripped bare and powerless.
Really, it would be fair to say having experienced this level of abuse takes us into the deepest depths of powerlessness.
Recovery, at first, is about healing and breaking free from the feelings of extreme anxiety and depression – which are, in effect, symptoms of extreme powerlessness.
There are also often feelings of being trapped and having no way out. At first, this is the feeling within the relationship, and then these feelings commonly continue even after the relationship has ended.
During extreme powerlessness, we don’t confront and dig deep enough to understand the beliefs that have made us ‘small’ and tend towards powerlessness.
Like many people, I struggled with the words ‘Personal Power’. Firstly, being a woman didn’t help. The concept of ‘personal power’ seemed somehow wrong, and it felt too masculine and undoubtedly not feminine or submissive enough.
Like many of us (men and women), I was accustomed to giving my power away to keep the peace and be safe – and, of course, to source love. Which was extremely unsuccessful.
Many have feelings and belief systems that can make us shy away from claiming and being in our True Power.
Yet, being radiant, alive, healthy, in love with Life, self and others – claiming and being in our personal power – is the TOTAL goal.
Let’s investigate the beliefs that have limited us from claiming our True Power and why they have been so damaging.
The 7 Common Beliefs That Keep Us Powerless
The following beliefs are commonly passed on by societal programming and generational family modelling.
#1 Who Do You Think You Are?
When we think of ‘personal power’, we may believe it is egotistical, arrogant or even selfish to have the right to walk our own path of truth or to have preferences about our own life.
Naturally, believing it is not okay to stand up and be in our own personal power means that we are susceptible to other people’s preferences and choices – even if they are not in alignment with our own values and truth.
If we don’t believe it is healthy to be in our own power, we can quickly feel guilty and are manipulated and mined by others.
#2 People In Their Personal Power Are Targeted By Others
There is a common belief: “If I shine, then people will target me, take my light or rip me down.” This painful, fearful belief causes us to keep defending decisions, shut down, and stop showing up. Generally, this means we are not only afraid of showing up, but we are scared of speaking up and laying healthy boundaries when needed.
The danger with this faulty belief is that when we are shrinking, hiding and defending, we tend to attract everything we are trying to guard ourselves against. This confirms our belief that we must hide to avoid exploitation.
#3 My Ego Won’t Accept Self-worth
This belief is a blight on humankind. On the surface level, we believe that people with large egos love themselves excessively and have too much self-worth, but the opposite is true. Egos are the malfunction of low self-worth and maladaptive compensating through constructing and feeding a False Self.
Humankind, for centuries, has been programmed to believe they are unworthy, defective and emotionally and morally inept, which has caused us to think we are never enough. Our worth is ‘what we have’ or ‘how others approve of us’ instead of ‘who we are’. Our personalities do not want to believe we are worthy simply because we exist. This causes us to seek personal power outside of ourselves rather than generate it from within.
#4 Life Is Never Going To Work Out For Me
It is common for people in survival programming to feel like they are treading water and getting nowhere. We are stuck with emotional wounds that generate continuous pain when trying to survive.
It isn’t until we can free ourselves of our emotional wounding and release the continual torment of our minds that we can open up our hearts and dream of a new and better future. If we do not feel our deservedness, we can’t be in our personal power to create it. Manifestation comes from our heart’s expansive space and power, not our little story-ridden mind.
#5 I’m Not Good Enough To Make My Life Happen
When not in our power, we feel small, incapable and dependent. This limits us from expanding, learning, growing and expressing who we are. Rather than align with people and situations that will empower us, we gravitate towards people and situations that disempower us further. Naturally, these extensions reflect how we feel about ourselves and our lives.
It is essential to know that when we claim our personal power, we will attract situations and people who add to our expansion and life experience rather than detract from it.
#6 My Worth Relies On Self-Sacrifice
Much of our modelling involves believing that doing good deeds and sacrificing our own needs for the benefit of others will be rewarded.
Many people know about the analogy regarding aeroplanes. There is an excellent reason why we are instructed in the state of emergency to put on our own oxygen masks first before assisting others.
Martyrdom is the handing of power over, and often it is a covert way to control and try to secure approval, love and security. The deeper truth, which many martyrs find devastatingly disappointing, is that people will only love, respect and treat us to the extent we have embodied these qualities within ourselves.
The irony is that the more ‘full’ of healthy self-worth and self-care, the more we have to genuinely give to others without agenda.
#7 My Worth Depends On More Doing Instead Of Being
We often frenetically believe we must ‘do more’ to feel worthy and survive. As we evolve, we realise that no amount of ‘doingness’ can compensate for the lack of ‘beingness’. If we have yet to find our authentic personal power – which means moving out of emotional survival fears into inspired creation, we find that things just don’t work out. We only tend to create more powerlessness and fear no matter how frantically we strive to improve our lives.
When we work on and claim our personal power, by stark contrast, we attract the mechanics of life supporting our improved self-worth. Then we operate from an emotional resonance of inspiration and modelling Creation itself. We have freed up our energy previously tied up in the fear and pain of emotional survival.
Why We Need To Claim Our Personal Power
Many of us are terrified of claiming and stepping into our True Power. Our programmed beliefs are responsible for why we have handed our power over, been abused, and struggled to assert ourselves afterwards.
If we are not in our power, we hand it over, trying to gain it from outside ourselves. This has caused us to match up with people who are also not in their personal power. Narcissists are not powerful – they are powerless, and acting out is a pathological symptom of feeling powerless.
The illusion is that the narcissist is powerful, and nothing could be further from the truth. When we are not in our own power, we feed the illusion that false power and fear are real.
The illusion no longer exists when we take our power back and create it genuinely.
Our journey of personal growth is to shift ourselves out of fearful egoic mind survival into inspired, heartfelt creation, and that is the only way we will be free to be in our True Power.
In True Power, we co-promote and generate a healthy life force and love with life and others. We authentically express ourselves and pursue lifestyles and vocations that are the calling of our hearts.
We expand into and add to life instead of trying to ‘get’, and as a result, we experience a win-win between ourselves and life.
When we are freed from the constructions of our ego, there is no longer the need to earn approval or security by being who we are not, and we no longer suffer damage and sell our souls out to try to survive.
The catharsis to claim and develop your personal power will begin when you experience intense powerlessness.
That is precisely the edge of personal development that narcissistic/sociopathic abuse brought to our attention. A place where we needed to question all of the beliefs that previously modelled our life- the generational beliefs that caused us to be disconnected from our True Power.
How many of us lived reduced versions of ourselves even before being abused? How many of us believed that our security, inspirations and creations needed to be granted from ‘the outside’ rather than claiming our birthright to be internal generators and Creators in our own right?
How many of us thought that being ‘small’ meant we would be safe and would be looked after?
The Shifting Of Powerless Beliefs Into Personal Power
We need to shift our internal beliefs to change our attitudes and behaviour.
By doing so, our new, more empowered, healthier state of being will simply express who we have become.
For those on the NARP Program, you can use the Goal Setting Module to reverse the powerless limiting you from claiming your True Power.
This goes beyond simply speaking affirmations, which require a lot of repetition and time to take effect in your subconscious. Body shifts are much more effective and direct, allowing you to experience change more quickly.
To recap, the following are beliefs you may want to release all resistance on to claim your True Power:
#1 Who Do You Think You Are?
True Power Goal: “I align with and claim my personal power. This is my divine right and is fully supported and adored by all existence.”
#2 People In Their Personal Power Are Targeted By Others
True Power Goal: “By showing up as my glowing True Self, I speak up, I embody and expand love, integrity and truth, and my bright light dissolves all darkness.”
#3 My Ego Won’t Accept Self-worth
True Power Goal: “It is the ultimate truth of love, humility and humanity to accept myself unconditionally as the divine part of God / Source / Life that I am.”
#4 Life Is Never Going To Work Out For Me
True Power Goal: “My heart is free and expanded, and I have the space to deliciously dream and generate unlimited joy and miracles.”
#5 I’m Not Good Enough To Make My Life Happen
True Power Goal: “As a divine expression of God / Source / Life, I am enough. I am infinitely connected in unlimited ways to all of the expansion and resources of Life.”
#6 My Worth Relies On Self-Sacrifice
True Power Goal: “I claim the divinity and full permission to fill myself up first. By doing so, I have an abundance to grant Life and others healthily.”
#7 My Worth Depends On More Doing Instead Of Being
True Power Goal: “I connect to the power inside me. By making my changes within, I unfold myself into Life in spectacular and inspired ways.”
Conclusion
I hope this article has helped you recognise where your blocks may be regarding claiming your True Power.
Suppose you’d like to learn more about how to get to and actualise the True Power Goals that I talked about today to move from powerlessness and tap your Personal Power, you can sign up for my free 16-day Recovery Course, which includes an invitation to a profound healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks, and so much more.
Please, I would love you to comment on this episode.
The burning question for today is this: How did you feel about the phrase “Personal Power” before reading the article, and how do you feel about it now?
Okay, so scroll down and answer that question, I’d love you to, and I’ll respond.
All right, so, until next time. Keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving, because there’s nothing else to do.
Lots of love.
Bye-bye.
Melanie,
I had a few skype sessions with you last year. Thank you so much for this article. You’ve broken it down like a science! I turned 50 this summer (which is scary) and I’m just feeling like I’ve broken the lock to the jail. I was away from my abuser for years, then my son took up like his father and I struuuuuuggled. It’s now finally becoming clear. Wish it had been sooner! Don’t want to waste a minute of my life with feeling bad about myself. xo Lor
Hi Lor,
you are very welcome.
Many of us have been late bloomers Lore – 50 is still very young…its not the quantity of our life that is important it is the quality we can be to ourselves and life in every moment of now.
It’s so wonderful that you are setting yourself free.
Make sure you let go of that regret of lost years, so that you can fully claim the present as the magnificent eternal Self that you really are.
Then you will truly Live…
Mel xo
This has been exactly where I needed to be reading this as I have sold myself out in so many ways and remained small and powerless always keeping the peace out of shear fear and that I will be disliked and disowned and not loved. Wow what an eye opener thank you again Melanie. Much love
I want to say that this article has enlightened me even more on my journey….I have had a very hard time breaking away from an abuser in which I have been married to for 42 years. I have allowed him to physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abuse me…..I have contacted 2 STD’s over the course of our marriage….and I am still here….I am an artist and I am going to start taking care of me as hard as that might be….I can no longer continue to be powerless to this man….it keeps me in chains and I know the answer is for me to find me and that is happiness….thankyou for your article as it hit home reading it this morning….it hit the head on the ol’nail as so to say…..thankyou.
Hi Tava,
I am so pleased this article has helped you.
It certainly sounds as if you are awakening and getting more into your power, determined to source and create your truth.
I’d love you to come into my Information Webinar next week…
I know it can help you so much..
Here is the way to reserve a space if you haven’t already done so Tava.. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thankyou-step2.html
Mel xo
Yet again I woke up to an article from Melanie that seems to speak directly to the struggles I was facing mentally and emotionally the night before. It’s rather uncanny how often this has happened.
I can’t thank you enough, Melanie, for helping me find some peace of mind. I’m so grateful for everything you do.
Hi Emily,
May I double that comment!
Mel’s timing is impeccable!
Much love and encouragement to every one claiming their power!
Annie
Hi Emily,
you are so welcome, and I am so pleased it helped – synchronicity is such a lovely dynamic in this Community!
Mel xo
This article is so true about my life. Thank God i woke up out of my funk and saw the light. I take this information and i am running with it. All my life i have been sitting on the back burner, now i am moving to the front burner of my life and realizing my true worth. Thanks a million Melanie for publishing this article.
Hi Ava,
conditioned powerlessness has been true for so many…
Great you are running with this.
Beautiful that you are determined to become and express the True You.
You are so welcome Ava 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie!
Wonderful article and an important focus to work QFH with.
Incredible timing as usual! 🙂 You set a rare precedent with that!
Gratefully,
Clarie
Hi Claire,
Great you are onto this focus now…
You are so welcome Claire…and I love that my inner guidance is tapped into the Community’s growth.
I am incredibly blessed to be able to be a part of this!
Mel xo
I would have to agree with other people – this really speaks right now to me. Beliefs can be so very subtle in their effect, and it can be hard to recognise what is really at work behind one’s own life. The change for me keeps coming in layers – periods where I think I have got it, and then something arises and I have to address it again, in a slightly different way. I listened to a Buddhist talk yesterday and he said “having compassion only for others is co-dependent – you have to develop self compassion”. I now sense that self-compassion can also set the context for being able to develop these goals and to let go of these damaging beliefs. Thank you xxx
Hi Carol,
Beliefs are incredibly insidious and so ‘subtly’ felt yet so powerfully in control of our lives…until we really turn inwards to investigate!
So, so true Carol….self-compassion is the foundation of our entire life. If we can’t be real and kind with ourselves, we can’t be to life and others, and we can’t grant permission for others to treat us with respect or kindness either.
It has to start with self – from within. Anything else is co-dependency – which is simply a power struggle and often unconscious manipulation to try to gain love, approval and security from the outside.
You are so welcome Carol, and thank you for your insightful post.
Mel xo
Melanie,
thank you for this great, POWERFUL article!
As you know, I’ve been working NARP Modules for few months now. I have shifted tons of beliefs. THANK YOU! However, I find that some of them are still present to some degree.
“I am responsible for how other people feel”- was always a big one for me.
I am thinking to target it with the Goal setting Module. What goal would be best to set in this case?
Many thanks to you, as always!
Olga
Hi Olga,
you are very welcome.
Absolutely you have come an incredibly long way!!
Okay a goal you can use for this one is: “I am in my power and responsibility to generate my own life, and I allow others to create their own versions and truth. It is safe to let go and be me.”
I hope this helps!
Mel xo
Melanie,
I am always amazed at how far you have taken this journey from abuse to thriving. I am one year away from having moved out of my N’s house and it is amazing how much better I feel and the happiness I am feeling.
Recently I attracted a man into my life who mirrored to me that I am still unable to speak up for myself. This disturbed me but fortunately I saw with my new eyes that this was just a check in point on my journey. Time to do some more inner work.
Reading this article is still a bit over my head in some ways. But I can feel that the stretch to understand is good for me and I am going to journal into it over the next few weeks. All of the misbeliefs that you listed have been part of my choices and this article really helped me to see them.
This journey is a dawning of deeper and deeper understanding. Hearing the ideas again and again, on ever expanding levels is gradually lighting me up from the inside out.
As ever I am amazed and blessed at your ability to articulate this process with such passion and accuracy. It has taken me a narcissistic father and 3 N partners (one a husband) to arrive at 54 at the threshhold of my personal power and freedom. Thank you so much, wonderful lady.
Hi LauraG,
I am so pleased you are feeling so much better!
I love that you are recognising what it is to light up – as you so eloquently described – from the inside out.
You are so welcome Laura, and much love back to you lovely lady 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Mel!
I am repeating some basic narp work because I started a relationship with a nice man, and oddly this has triggered stuff, as well as the ex returning with a vengence (telepathic radar, perhaps…) So another layer of the onion is coming off. Feels really powerful! Feels hard, but really, really good. Your goal above to Olga might work for me too – OK to use it?
THANK YOU, dear beautiful one –
Val (From Colorado)
Hi Valerie,
Any goal that really resonates is definitely is okay to use – because they are all empowering Universal Principles – alignments with our True Self.
However – what may be the most targeted goal for you isn’t something that you can really know, until you drop inside and really claim and name what your inner emotional trigger is – and then you can create the specific goal to reverse that.
If you do that I can guide you further if you like…
Mel xo
Mel your timing is impeccable again, your message shows up for me right when i need it. bless you
That Whitney Houston song: “The Greatest Love of All” always bothered me, it seemed selfish and grandiose and egotistical and obnoxious…and even corny.
Now I know why: I was raised and trained by a judgmental, self-pitying, bitter martyr, who sought all validation and care from outside herself. She sucked all happiness and ease out of a room. She actually used to say: Why would you want to be happy?
And I had a crazy narc dad who WAS grandiose and bombastic and entitled and had no filter or boundaries – because he was so hollow inside. He did everything he wanted and was very decadent, taking more than giving.
So, one had me sacrificing and toiling, and other had me subjugating and toiling.
The STBX enjoyed how I was trained to think of him before I thought of myself.
I realize at this juncture that quite literally I despise myself and treat myself like garbage. Then I wonder why others do the same or don’t like me.
I used to express myself loudly and creatively, but it got me a lot of criticism and messages to shut down.
I realize now that the people around me who wanted to mold me to their needs used weapons like criticism, guilt, shame, humiliation, encouragement when going in directions they preferred and flat-out force.
As grown persons we can sing that damn song loudly and proudly over and over until we seriously get it:
“Greatest Love Of All”
I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody’s searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
[Chorus]
And if, by chance, that special place
That you’ve been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love
– Written by songwriters Michael Masser and Linda Creed
Hi Natasha,
that song is incredibly powerful – and so true.
All coming back to the divine truth that others will relate to us as we know and anchor into love for ourself.
And of course this will not be ‘everyone’, some people simply don’t have the resources because of their own self-disconnection and unconsciousness.
As a child you had very little choice in this – as an adult now you can. We all can be the source of development, growth and truth to our own inner being and co-create it with healthy others.
Mel xo
Love this article! I am becoming unstuck, now making forward progress thanks in large measure to your insightful messages, Melanie. Your clarity and conciseness make your blogs easy for us all to understand…am so grateful for your contributions in our world, in our minds, in our hearts! From Alabama, USA, sheila
So I just realized that I haven’t been gttieng your posts in my reader for the last month. What? Not cool. But you know what is cool? These tattoos. My daughter and I are totally going to make sleeves with them. Thanks for sharing them!
I would like a clear definition of WHAT personal power actually Is.. what is it… how does it feel.. is it energy or feelings or a state of being… there is so much out there about personal power, but a lot of it seems to be defined as the power to influence followers… that is not personal power to me… that is simply control and domination of other people… there does not seem to be a clear concise definition of WHAT personal actually is… and how is this personal power expressed in the world around us. ?? We have no control or influence over anyone except ourselves…so the popular version of personal power does not really work..it is really power OVER and not power WITH… hoping to gain insight … thankyou
Hi Jaguar,
truly my simple answer to you is clear away you traumas and feel who you are without them.
We cannot think our way into states of Being or feel them if we are not Being them. It’s an embodied thing not a head thing.
Mel xo
Thank you Mel this is wonderful ❤️❤️❤️
The narcissist tried to invite themselves into my space so they could try to steal my heart while being vulnerable. What a dink. He and his orangutan 🦧 pals have a right to their life, not my life and body.