Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Claim Your Worthiness

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 2
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

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This is an article I felt really passionate about writing.

Christine’s Thriver Story last week, was incredibly synchronistic with this week’s article.

When she stated to me that the greatest thing that she realised from her journey was that she had never been able to feel or know her own worthiness, and that she deserved to ‘take up space’ in life – I resonated powerfully.

Before doing her radio show interview I had just made a post on my Facebook Page “When Sleeping Woman Wake, Mountains Move”. My purpose in this post was exactly about sharing inspiration to help generate worthiness. This post received a lot of comments, shares and likes.

From the response I knew it was an important topic that touched people’s hearts.

I know with my own journey of recovery from narcissistic abuse – especially this second time around – a HUGE part of my recovery was realising just how disconnected I had been from knowing, anchoring into and being able to feel my own worthiness.

I know how many people will be able to relate to feeling inherently unworthy and that was why I really wanted to ‘unearth’ this issue.

I also know that until we get out of old patterns and ‘look back in at ourselves’ we may not have realised just how unworthy we did feel.

This is the paradox in regard to our journey of evolving and developing ourselves – when we are stuck in a way of being that we have been our entire life, we don’t know any better.

In fact it feels ‘normal’ to us.

It isn’t until we really take a stand for what would be good and healthy and right in our lives – and for creating that from the inside out – and take on the efforting of evolving ourselves, that we truly discover the profound difference of who we once were in the face of who we have now become.

 

My Realisations

In the process of deep inner healing, just like Christine, I realised I was ‘playing small’ and was scared to ‘take up space in life.’

I had a discussion with a girlfriend not long ago about my deep inner revelations regarding ‘worthiness’ and the shifts I had done on myself.

I asked her “Did you always think I felt worthy regarding the work I do for narcissistically abused people?”

Her answer was ”Yes of course. Why do you ask me this?”

I shared with her how I had discovered a HUGE internal belief system that the wounded three-year-old part of Melanie had been holding on to that had sabotaged my chance of feeling ‘worthy’.

This part of myself had decided “No matter what you do or how much you prove yourself you will never be worthy of being loved, you don’t belong and you will never be kept safe”.

So what this meant, in real life terms, was my entire life of achieving some pretty amazing things in many areas of my life, throughout my life, weren’t providing me with any feelings of ‘worthiness’.

The three-year-old within me simply did what she did, felt passionate about ‘creating’, yet did not believe that this ‘earnt’ her ‘love’, ‘safety’  or ‘belonging’.

All of these three things are the fundamental aspects of feeling worthy and secure in life.

My friend, who is very spiritually aware understood. She said “That makes so much sense as to why you never talk about what you do when we meet people, you always talk about what other people do but you don’t put your best foot forward for yourself. In fact if people ask you what you do you choke”.

She admitted that had always surprised her and indeed frustrated her, how I became unconformable when the spotlight was turned on to me. She said she had often wondered why I was ‘hiding’.

This was very true. I had always wanted to hide under a rock when people asked me what I do. I never drew attention to myself out in public. I much preferred to live ‘under the radar’. I certainly did not talk about my mission openly with family (apart from my son), friends or acquaintances.

I know that when I was still holding this painful inner belief, I was thrilled on a heart-felt level for people I could help, and felt very passionate about being able to make a significant difference in people’s lives – yet I was really struggling to assign any of my own ‘worthiness’ to it.

I have always seen myself as very humble, not needing accolades or recognition. I have always had the belief “If you are good at something you don’t need to broadcast it” – but truly my shrinking back was not to do with that, even though I thought it was.

It was a deep belief that I didn’t deserve to take up space in the world, and that if I did put myself out there and ‘shine’ what would be the use anyway.

The real truth was I had no idea how to feel a deep abiding appreciation for Who I Was or What I Did.

Until I found and shifted this deep inner belief I had no idea what the difference was between feeling ‘unworthy’ and ‘worthy’.

It wasn’t until I deeply named and claimed that belief (as well as many others on this topic), found its origins and shifted it out with Quanta Freedom Healing, that I was able to open up the space to truly anchor into and feel my inherent True Self worthiness.

The difference is exceptional.

It is so (words can’t really express – ‘wonderful’ is an understatement) WOW to now feel what it is to deeply connect to my inner being’s feelings of worthiness and deep appreciation for Who I Am.

 

How Lack of Worthiness Relates to Being Abused

I know I am not alone in this.

I know that so many of us who have been narcissistically abused feel nebular – we feel invisible. We feel like other people are allowed to take up space in life and we aren’t.

Is it any wonder that we attracted narcissists who have to take up space, who have to be the centre of attention. Narcissists grab the limelight continuously in order to garnish narcissistic supply (attention and energy) and are deeply resentful when they believe they can’t or don’t have it.

If they perceive we did then they would do all they could to rip that down.

We so easily moved over and shrunk ourselves back no matter who we were, or what we are doing in life, played small, and hid who we were and let the narcissist take over.

And of course we just kept doing what we do in the background. Assisting all we could, pulling our weight considerably and kept the show going, the wheels turning, and attempted to produce enough to keep the narcissist’s dishevelled life intact. How often did so many of us do what was necessary to bail out the narcissist from his or her rash decisions and mistakes?

The irony is for many co-dependents, other people (apart from the narcissist) recognised our abilities and achievements, but yet we couldn’t feel them.

Of course the narcissist in the idealising phase of the relationship ‘glowed’ this recognition back to us, yet in the devaluing phases did all she or he could to find fault with us and declare whatever we did or didn’t do was never good enough.

 

The Connection Between Shame and Unworthiness

Earlier this year I wrote an article on shame. You can read about it here.

Our greatest barrier to feeling and knowing our own worthiness is shame. When there is an inner part of us that is holding shame, we don’t feel worthy of love and belonging.

I know how many parts of myself did not feel worthy in claiming my divine and rightful place in life. It was these inner parts which were responsible for my fear and hiding and not wanting to be exposed.

Fortunately my now evolving inner parts who are releasing the shame and fear, and are claiming the energy from my higher self, Source and my loving internal parent know that they do have the right to take up space and be seen in life.

Becoming this new way of being is still a work in progress – but truly it is now expanding beautifully, whereas before I was stuck.

I had to work at it. I had to shift my inner consciousness to achieve that flow forward into liberation.

When we shift out of an injured and undeveloped part of ourselves, we claim the energy of being healthy on that topic. Being ‘normal’ and knowing it is our right to show oneself and shine, and feel happy to be who we are.

That is truly our natural state of being, and anything else is unnatural.

Our worthiness is such an important buffer against being abused. We naturally gravitate to and attract much healthier people and situations, and we are anchored enough in our own worthiness, our own solid sense of self, that we no longer accept being diminished and abused as acceptable.

Truly it is the shameful, fearful and limited parts of ourselves that allow the pain to happen.

 

The Match of Unworthiness to the Narcissist’s Shame

It is truly fascinating when we identify the matches we are unconsciously playing out with narcissists. It really allows us to understand in greater detail why we attracted and sustained relationships with narcissists.

Narcissists feel intense inner shame. They disown their shameful, scared, hurt and damaged inner parts and are generating and navigating their life from their internal centre of the inner wounded child.

It is not ‘worthiness’ which propels a narcissist to take up space. It is fear and pain. ‘I need to take energy by manipulation, charm or force, because I am desperate to try to avoid these shameful, screaming inner parts’.

These parts of the narcissist are under-developed, immature and unevolved, and can’t relate to relationship in a healthy adult way.

The parts of ourselves that are scared to take up space and resist shining as our true radiant selves, are also fearful and disowned ‘young’ parts that have never been healed.

Narcissists and co-dependents are holding shame and pain from childhoods.

Many people may proclaim that they had ‘a great childhood’, and even if this was how you defined your childhood, it is really important to understand that as a child you were primarily in delta and theta brainwaves up to around 7 years of age.

This was the time where you received most of your programming about relationship, yourself, others and life.

From this foundation ‘what happened’ was absorbed directly into your subconscious without the ability for you to have any logical reasoning around it. Your cognitive mind was not developed. It couldn’t assess anything as “That is your stuff and has nothing to do with me and my worthiness”.

As children if we did not receive the repeat messages of our own worthiness, (the knowing that we are loved, secure and belong simply for being ourselves) we had no ability to self-generate worthiness.

What was likely to be absorbed was: emotionally charged messages received from someone else’s lack of worthiness.

We could not anchor into self-worthiness when viewing and experiencing people who did not have their own sense of love, safety or belonging secured.

Many people experienced emotionally painful, traumatic and even highly neglectful childhoods. This is the case with most narcissists – that the establishing of a False Self was a defensive mechanism to try to offset the deep pain of unworthiness and shame which was generated from significant abuse.

Even if you did not endure a highly traumatic childhood, it is important to understand that children perceive events emotionally. It is from the emotional perception of events that we establish painful and deeply ingrained belief systems – especially if the events / messages are repeated – which they generally are.

Our parent’s patterns were ingrained belief systems that kept their behaviour and ways of relating to life in repeat.

In my case, another child may have emotionally responded differently to what my environment created. Most definitely I was brought up by a mother who also struggled to ‘be seen and shine’. She played small in her life regardless of the fact that she was incredibly capable and resourceful. I was also brought up with strict standards in order to be ‘enough’ or ‘earn approval’. I certainly did not experience significant trauma, neglect or abuse.

My own emotional ‘signature’ coupled with my childhood conditions led to co-dependency and absolutely deep ingrained feelings of unworthiness.

The deeper truth is: it was these undeveloped parts of myself that created struggles in relationship with myself, life and others that led me to taking the necessary responsibility to evolve these parts.

Hence the narcissistic relationships – the biggest wake-up-call we could ever possibly co-create for ourselves.

What becomes really important for all of us is to not get stuck in the story.

We could all talk about and write about what happened to us, join on-line groups and keep living stuck in the ‘reasons’ for the rest of our life.

That is not what making the effort to heal these parts and evolve ourselves is all about.

The truth is it really doesn’t matter how our limiting beliefs happened, and certainly blaming other people and our life is not going to assist us in creating new and different life realities.

We have to want to transform ourselves and we need to deeply go into ourselves find, claim and name our wounds in order to shift them. If we just leave our belief systems operating unconsciously then they run our life by remote.

I watched a Bruce Lipton (a good friend of Joe Dispenza’a) DVD – Nature, Nurture and The Power of Love – The Biology of Conscious Parenting the other night. It is fascinating. I highly recommend getting this DVD if you have not already watched it.

It was all about how belief systems are formed – from scientific quantifiable research, and how the fearful ones contract our bodies, contract our life and contract our growth.

This scientific evidence proves beyond doubt the effect belief systems have within our subconscious mind, which drives our life, and how if we don’t effort to shift our consciousness how our life circumstances don’t change.

If we are contracted down into fearful, young and limiting beliefs – we are dissolving – we are de-evolving. We are not growing, expanding or evolving. We are heading for dis-ease, which is the total opposite of ‘ease’ of living.

We dis-integrate rather than integrate.

Dis-ease starts as emotional pain and life breakdowns, and then if necessary infiltrates our physical apparatus to really get our attention.

It may appear that ‘the outside’ is creating our disappointment, upheavals and is what sabotages our happiness, but truly it is our inner programs which are responsible for the attraction, co-creation and how we show up in life that supplements our painful experiences.

Therefore totally In regard to our lack of worthiness, waiting for something outside of us to fix these issues is not the answer.

 

Locating Your Unworthiness

This I would love people to understand much more than what the general self-development industry allows people to understand.

If you don’t claim, and name your limiting beliefs you have no ability to shift them.

What does this really mean?

It means finding ‘reasons’ is not enough.

It means self-avoidance will never allow you to graduate to evolve your life.

It means covering up, hiding over and looking to the outside world to fix your pain for you doesn’t work.

It means pretending to be ‘’perfect’ and living behind a mask is a sure-fire way to keep the pain going.

It means you need to go inwards with an incredible honest self-inventory, and be prepared to get real and vulnerable with yourself.

The truth sets you free – it is that simple. In order to access the truth about anything in your life experience all begins with becoming very real with yourself.

Unless we make the unconscious conscious we don’t step up into freedom, relief and the light. We stay stuck in the darkness.

There are literally thousands of topics that you could evolve your life on, but for the sake of this article you can feel into ‘how you show up in life’.

Were you like Christine and myself, and scared of taking up space and shining?

Do you present yourself in life as a front of ‘shining’ and ‘being noticed’ yet underneath that you really feel small and unworthy?

To work out what is in your inner programming that is driving that, you need to feel into the emotion of feeling small and unworthy.

Then as you feel it, ask yourself “Where in my body am I holding this painful feeling?”

Then ask yourself “What chronological age is the part of me that is holding it?”

We need to understand that our wounded parts are young, they are the immature parts who do not know they can generate their own solidness, connectedness and wholeness.

It is not until we evolve these inner parts that they can.

Now feel into that young, fearful part of yourself and ask “What is this about?”

If you have deeply connected with yourself with the intention of love and support and healing this part of yourself you will receive your answer.

This is very important to understand – if you are blaming and self-rejecting yourself, and beating yourself up with criticism and self-recriminations,  the inner child part of you is not going to trust you, connect to you and supply you with any information.

The young part of you will pull away, stay hurt and keep subconsciously sabotaging your life.

In order to evolve, your intention MUST be about deeply loving, partnering, standing for yourself, supporting and healing yourself, because nothing else will suffice.

Then it takes the commitment to heal this part and create the adult version of safety, love and solidness with it. Then you will start progressing into your true birthright of worthiness.

I hope you have enjoyed this article, and I look forward to replying to your questions and comments below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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54 Thoughts on How To Claim Your Worthiness
  • Bluedevil1111@aol.com'
    Shannon
    November 13, 2013

    Melanie,

    Your work has literally saved my life. I was abused by a N for 4 years and then was abandoned at a point where I would have done ANYTHING to keep him. The rational part of my brain KNOWS and BELIEVES 100% in everything you say. My question is WHY do I still miss him a year later and still want to hear from him even though I know I never will and definitely SHOULD NOT want to. I just want to know if this is a normal feeling and if it gets better with time. I wonder every single day why I wasn’t enough for him. And ALL of your literature explains it to my brain but my heart feels something different.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2013

      Hi Shannon,

      I am so pleased my work has been able to help.

      You have made the important distinction ‘my brain knows’…Your cognitive mind is your logical brain it is not your subconscious programs, which is you ‘body’ – your emotions.

      There is a huge difference between ‘thinking’ something and ‘knowing’ something.

      When we ‘know’ something – we know it because we have shifted our belief systems at true deep core (gut) level.

      Our mind does not have the capability to make that shift.

      So this is the reason why you are still stuck in painful emotions and attachments – because you have not evolved your consciousness yet, you have not shifted your subconscious beleifs that are keeping you attached to him emotionally.

      Time is not the solution – shifting your consciousness by deeply working on yourself is.
      And when you nail those young inner wounded parts of yourself that are holding him responsible for ‘love’ – and effectively shift to a bringing in of your own love and partnering to yourself, I promise you that you will have NO feelings of wanting him – in fact you will wonder what you ever saw in him.

      Does that make sense?

      If your next question is how do I shift my consciousness?, my answer to that question is the NARP Program – because it has been created specifically to create those shifts – and it already has for thousands of people in this community.

      Mel xo

    • alexandra@blackbaroque.com'
      Alexandra
      November 15, 2013

      Hi Melanie,
      My first time writing in. I read all your blogs the day they come in my emails. They have been so helpful, thank you♥

      I have realized it is my little girl who is still trying to prove she is a good girl to my Mom, through my boyfriend/narc who puts all the blame on me when there are problems. My half brother and half sister were always into trouble so much that my brother was arrested for selling drugs many times growing up. Me, all I did was cook, clean, and try to make everything nice for my Mom when she would come home from work. They could do no wrong, but being the middle child I was the scapegoat for everyone. I have not spoken to my mother in 25 yrs. She choose her other 2 children, paid for everything for them, from college to cars, to homes, no matter how awful they treated her, and broke the law, and me nothing. I asked her for money only once from leaving home at 18. It was to pay a $250 phone bill as I had been in the hospital, no insurance. She not only did not come to the hospital to see me, she acted as if I had asked her for a million dollars. She is or was a total narcissist as I do not know if she is even living.

      Fast forward, my boyfriend of 13 yrs, I have come to see is much like her in that at 62, me 51, he will not marry me and blames me for everything when there is a problem, totally ignoring all the horrible things he says or does. I see his not marrying me as not choosing me. I have this need to show him I am worth his love, worth marrying, and that I am a good person. I spend so much time explaining I did not do anything wrong to him as he twists and turns everything back on me, and pushing buttons at the same time. He says he loves me, but then will blame me. Probably sounds familiar.

      All to say I believe I have connected the two. While I divorced from my Mom so to speak over 25 years ago realizing she would never get it, never see who I was, I found her all over again in my boyfriend and I have been trying to get him to see me for 13 yrs. When in fact, I think all he wants is his former wife back or for me to act like her, even worse.

      I have ended our relationship with him on Tuesday. Since then he sucks me back into calling him by blaming me. So your article was very, very helpful. Funny as it sounds, I don’t want him back, I just want to prove I am not the bad person he tries to make me out to be, and that is where my work is.

      Sorry this is so long. Thank you for all you are doing.
      Blessings♥
      Alexandra

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 15, 2013

        Hi Alexandra,

        you truly have hit the nail straight on the head.

        You can see the correlation.

        You also can clearly see that it is the wounded unhealed child who is trying to prove her ‘worthiness’ to him…just as this same younger you did with your mother.

        What we all need to understand, when we feel victimised, is that an adult deeply anchored in truth of ‘who we are’ would not be trying to earn worthiness from a disordered person! We would be deeply existing within it ourselves!

        This is when we DO start to understand that our true healing solutions and evolution are NOT about trying to guard ourselves against, change or fix narcissists – they are about healing ourselves.

        Thank you for your very, very honest and wonderful share!

        Mel xo

  • season5096@gmail.com'
    Rozanne
    November 13, 2013

    Melanie I always appreciate so much when you share so personally of yourself. Whenever I come across this, in anyone`s work, it always draws me deeper into respecting and trusting that person who is showing vulnerability and specific aspects of healing in their own life.

    When you do this, it helps in giving myself permission to still have unhealed parts as sometimes I can easily feel frustrated when I `am still not getting it.’ Thank you so much for this.

    I felt emotional reading your words about how others recognize our abilities but we cannot and do not FEEL THEM

    This I find very powerful.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2013

      Hi Rozanne,

      You are so welcome.

      Truly Rozanne we are all in this together, as human beings growing and evolving into better selves and lives – and I am so happy to share to contribute!

      I am glad this article resonates with you and helps grant you permission to be more fully you!

      Mel xo

  • Shoby1canoby@yahoo.com'
    Shobha
    November 13, 2013

    You are so real, so open and you have been like that shining star I was seeking in my times of darkness. I am so very grateful that there is the internet medium of communication. It would have taken me so long or maybe in fact I’d never have discovered that there was such a disease as narcissism. Most of all that in fact it was MYSELF that would need to be worked on. After a 12 year long relationship and in that 6 years of marriage, I arrived at the breaking point. My lack of worthiness in me was trying to tell me something. I’m still so unsure about a lot of things in the future but after starting the divorce proceedings still intoxicated and fearful of what my spouse was going through, it is shocking that since that day in court I feel as if a heavy burden was lifted. Now I am dealing with someone who is suddenly stuck at home, sad and morose, and I’m not sure what his next plan of attack is. His entire family have shown no support towards me even when I tried to keep a relationship going. Now I don’t feel as if I owe anyone anything anymore and must now focus on myself and why I have always considered putting other people’s needs before mine. Melanie, reading your personal accounts have awakened a realization of so much of the similarities that we co-dependants have. I do think I am going to sign up for your program tonight. I need so much more help now that I am realizing that I depended for my worth externally from this one man for so long. Like Shannon said above, I’m still trying to get my heart and brain to be as one….thank you so dearly for existing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2013

      Hi Shobna,

      You are so welcome.

      It is so liberating when we see the truth and realise just how much we did allow someone else to define us.

      It’s wonderful that you want to work on you, integrate and heal.

      Mel xo

  • ginny651@aol.com'
    Virginia
    November 13, 2013

    When I was 5 or 6 my brother stated during a family discussion “your opinion doesn’t count”. In addition, I was the dumping ground for my mother’s frustrations regarding my father and siblings. I’ve identified these sources but now don’t know what to do with them. I’m tired of hurting.

    Mel, your work has helped me a lot. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2013

      Hi Virginia,

      For all of us there is absolutely messages we took on from our early years that shape who we have become.

      Some messages beneficial and others not! Now that you have started connecting to the messages that you no longer wish to run your life by default, to shift them means accessing tools that can speak directly to your subconscious.

      Energetic body modalities do that. Once you shift the painful beliefs that pain will be gone.

      Mel xo

  • lulufinan31@gmail.com'
    Lulu
    November 13, 2013

    I am so grateful that I came across your website Melanie and your regular articles ‘pinging’ through on my phone have in many ways been a lifesaver at times when I truly felt I was going crazy.

    My story is similar yet different to many others I have read, as I have lived for 22 years with someone who has never blatently criticised me, never raised his voice or hand to me or never verbally told me I should do or can’t do something. However, I am married to a man who expects my world to revolve around him, that I should be happy only if he makes me, that I never question him or ask him for anything, that I go along with what he wants and live my life the way he wants because if I don’t then (in his words) I don’t love him or want him or find him attractive, etc. The way he controls me – through silence, moods, guilt tripping, manipulation and subtle threats that I am not good enough, that I don’t really want a family, husband, etc, etc…. all the things that I do want. After years and years of this you doubt your own perception, your own thoughts, motives, needs and value – but most of all your worthiness. I don’t know if he is a narcissist but I relate to so much of what you and otherw write.

    I grew up knowing that just by being conceived I ruined my mothers life. Throughout childhood all I heard was ‘if I hadn’t got pregnant I’d have……’ as if my sheer existence was a mistake. I craved to be loved unconditionally (I know I am loved but my core belief is that by being born ruined anothers life chances) and I got married believing I loved a man who ended up loving an image of who he thought I was – because I wanted so badly for someone to love and cherish me I could never show my true self, the one that was not worthy of taking up space in the world, and so I became the ‘perfect wife’ but that has never, ever been enough and through time I have lost the little bit of me that was ‘me’.

    Its only by reading your articles and buying, but not yet doing all the steps of NARP,that I am beginning to see that I am worthy, that the world does not revolve around my husband and his needs and that I can claim my space in the world.

    But its hard and as much as I know, and feel, my future is not with my husband I cannot seem to end the marriage. But I know that is because right now he still gives me an identity, because who am I without him?

    I am working so hard to be everything to myself, to grow and comfort my inner child and to develop the knowledge that only I can provide the love, comfort and compassion I so desperately need. Its a long hard road but I truly believe I am exactly where I need to be right now and that my experiences in life have been a gift that has brought me here to grow and become the person I was meant to be.

    In the meantime I look forward to your articles Melanie and your words of comfort and support. I am a valuable asset to the world, this I know – what I’m working on is how to feel it!

    • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
      stephen
      November 14, 2013

      Exactly, “After years and years of this you doubt your own perception, your own thoughts, motives, needs and value – but most of all your worthiness”. “I got married believing I loved a man who ended up loving an image of who he thought I was.”

      And you didn’t ask him for anything, could that be because he never gave you what you wanted?

      Sounds like a stealth narc to me.

      • lulufinan31@gmail.com'
        Lulu
        November 14, 2013

        You’re right Stephen, trying to get anything I wanted was, and is, more frustrating than accepting that its easier not to bother. We have to holiday with his family because how can I suggest leaving his parents at home? asking for help around the house turns into a weeks worth of how I just don’t understand how inadequate it makes him feel to see how he’s leting me down and so I end up giving up and not asking him again. I work full time and have two disabled children so my life is pretty full, but if I cuddle them more than him or spend too much time on anything else then I apparently want to be with other people and don’t love him enough.
        I’ve spent my whole married life trying to prove my love and its slowly started to dry up.
        The worst thing is that when he knows I’m beginning to pull away, when I say I’ve had enough and mean it he becomes the sweetest man on earth – but even that is wearing thin on me now because I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop!

        Thanks for saying he sounds like a narc – in some ways I need that validation because I’m so unsure of my own insticts at times. I’m getting stronger by learning more and really trying to work on me rather than focus on him – its hard but I will get there.

        Thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2013

      Hi Lulu,

      Thank you for your very honest post and the sharing of your deep inner with the community.

      Whenever people do this it really does help people realise that going within is the way we take our power back – by really working out what is going on with us, rather than being fixated on ‘what is wrong with him / her’

      Lulu, what you will find is when you start shifting with QFH (you have the Modules) you will experience profound acceleration in what you may have been working on non-energetically, such as journaling alone etc..

      The shift work, because it is working directly on your inner being, is so much more powerful than just gaining information…

      What we start to understand is that when we do work ‘within’, the wisdom, power of connection to ourselves and connection to our True Self far exceeds any outer knowledge – it was always there all along waiting for us to release the toxic beliefs and connect.

      And we get to expereince is as a deep anchoring of ‘knowing’ rather than just ‘concepts’.

      So, truly there is no ‘meantime’, I sooo suggest you commit to the healings and you will start to ‘know’ what I am describing – because words really can’t describe – it needs to be experienced directly to be really ‘felt’..

      Mel xo

  • sjblaughs@aol.com'
    Sara
    November 14, 2013

    Good Morning Melanie and Fellow Survivors!

    When those of us abused by narcissists come out of hiding, we become as shining light-diamonds on the river of life. We step out from behind the facade of fear. We embrace life.

    A friend paid me a compliment when she visited recently. She said that I am so real. I sat across from her at my table, no make-up on my face, my hair short and salt and pepper, my old robe wrapped around me, and I smiled. Yes! I AM real! I have been meditating every day for over a year. I moved three hundred miles from my abuser to a small town where I knew no one, faced my own false self, cried, read every book I could get my hands on about soul stealers and narcissistic abuse,rode my bicycle and walked, followed Melanie, read Dispenza, and slowly, slowly became a whole new person.

    Now, as I write my own story of a path of pain, I feel free. Finally, after decades of feeling unworthy, I KNOW that I have a right to my space on this planet. I do not have to be smarter than, prettier than, or nicer than anyone else. I can just BE. What a gift!!

    Melanie, wouldn’t it be great fun to somehow gather us all together somewhere for a festival of wholeness? Imagine the remarkable and lovely energy generated by so many kind, good, loving women!! We could rock the world. We WILL rock the world……one recovery at a time.

    My love to all of you,
    Sara

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2013

      Hi Sara,

      Off the bat, I would really like you to understand I don’t subscribe to the word ‘survivor’ , none of us should wish for ourselves and others that the best we are or can be is merely ‘surviving’.

      Hence why so many people in this community use the word ‘thriver’ which is everyone’s opportunity as a result of being narc abused – to create a much more glorious life existence than they ever had even before narcissistic abuse.

      But this means taking 100percent responsibility to evolve ourselves. This means getting our focus off narcissism, dropping our victimization (which only creates more of it and the inability to evolve) and fully accepting the parts of ourselves we need to develop, heal and evolve.

      Becoming free is a process which absolutely takes the effort to heal and keep growing, and it’s a journey without a destination, we just become more and more free…

      The freedom was never about being free from the narcissist (surviving) it was about becoming free from ourselves (thriving).

      There is an enormous difference.

      Mel xo

  • bcuerden@gmail.com'
    becca
    November 14, 2013

    This was SO interesting! Ive been doing the Empowered Self course- which is quite arduous- you leave no stone unturned! But getting to the deservedness part- I have realized that I went ‘undercover’ with my talents and gifts while with the N (for over 20 years) because anything I had, that he noticed I had, he would either try to own, control, takeover, compete with me for, or squash out of me. What I mean is that we were both in the same sort of design business. he loved my ideas. he knew I was talented, reflected all that back to me during the hooking in phase. But after that, did everything to steal those parts from me, or destroy them. So, in order to preserve myself, my soul, and my creative attributes, I had to hide them, squash them, ‘hide my light under a bushel’ as they say in the bible, or have them pummelled out of me, or increase disruptive and unnecessary conflict in the household. I had to become covert about what I was thinking and expressing. Because I was also trying to blend two young families at the same time.
    However, your work on this topic, Melanie has led me to understand that as a child I was brighter than the average, and in some ways my parents did not know what to do with me. And with five other siblings as well, I simply was not allowed to stand out. I had to learn ‘my place’, and stay in it. So this is very confusing, the double messages. I was supposed to do my best, but it was never celebrated, and in fact it was almost an embarrasment, in that I made siblings appear not-as-clever. Being or acting “bigger than ones’ boots” is frowned upon. It’s just simply ‘asking for it’- retribution and squashing down and learning the Pecking Order. I had to get used to being overlooked, and feeling that claiming a space was useless, and in fact it felt humiliating to try! That all happened in childhood. So, yes I played it all out again with the narcissist.
    I always knew there was a fire in me, and now that I am out of the relationship, and have even become an outsider to my adult children because of the weird kink in narcissistic family patterns (where the messenger IS shot!) – and I did ”covert” so well- they refuse to beleive how damaging the N has been even after affairs and stealingmoney has cme to light! Well, because of all that, I am now free to heal those unhealed parts, and to take my place, and come home to myself. Your work is extravagant and amazing MTE. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2013

      Hi Becca,

      Yes I did make sure in the ES Course that there was more than enough for the most diligent of self-evolving people to dig their teeth into!

      It is great you are doing so!

      It is fantastic that you have connected so many of the dots. As we do our inner journey these truths start revealing themselves and then as you have stated we become free to evolve these parts.

      That is fantastic Becca, and keep up the great work 🙂

      Mel xo

  • bcuerden@gmail.com'
    becca
    November 14, 2013

    p.s. I just want to add that to anyone thinking of doing NARP program- don’t think any more! DO IT! it is difficult to even begin to describe the power it holds for personal transformation, on every level.

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    November 14, 2013

    Every one in a while I would somehow get to that void, that dark hole within my narc wife and the results were always terrifying. She would threaten suicide, scream and beat herself. I was so afraid to face issues with her that I would avoid confrontation at all cost.

    But indeed as you say here, she never would face issues, if we needed to work something out (which was almost constant) she would totally avoid the problem and start attacking me, they would always end up in “cat herding sessions”. In 22 years nothing ever got resolved and never once did she meet me half way on anything.

    After time I noticed that void was actually a very large part of her, there were only two subjects she would talk about. 1. How bad somebody was and 2. how everybody loves her.

    Beyond that there was nothing, just a void and emptiness. I would think she was like a masterfully made wedding cake, but when you cut into it there is nothing there, empty and hollow with only the frosting.

    My love for her grew cold but I stayed because we had children. I wondered, how can I grow old with this woman, there is nothing there. Take away the dramas, backstabbing and bragging and there simply is nothing there.

    After leaving her, I was prompted to write down my marriage experience. It was at that time I began to notice the patterns. That is when I truly became angry and enraged at what she had done to me and the kids. This rage was my biggest issue blocking my healing and it took over 2 years of using EFT and TAT.

    I never looked back and boldly hold my “do not contact” sign. If she contacts me, I hang up or burn any letters before I open them. There is NO CONTACT and I mean it!

  • sandraseley@yahoo.com'
    Sandra
    November 14, 2013

    Thank you.

  • Margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    November 14, 2013

    Mel,
    When I ask myself ‘what young chronological age am I when I feel I don’t want to take up space,’ I really don’t know. But I do feel undeserving to take up space.
    I have trouble finding out that age. And if I would find it, what do I do with the information? In other words, let’s say I find out the age, how would that help me shift the feeling of not wanting to take up space? I don’t get it….
    Thank you for a wonderful article.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      To connect intuitively with ourselves means taking our awareness deeply into the emotion, being with it, asking that question and ‘listening to’ and trusting the answer.

      It is not about trying to work it out through our mind, it is about allowing the wisdom of our body to tell us.

      Another way to get the answer is with muscle testing. The body holds all of our answers. Our ‘mind’ is outer rather than inner focused and makes up ‘stories’ which are often not the truth.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • jorika8@gmail.com'
    Jan
    November 14, 2013

    Another great article at the right time again !! your amazing how you know. I’m like Jane I don’t know what age and how to remember when it was. But I will try and I will do the work thanks Mel. My love and blessings to you and everyone on this journey.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2013

      Hi Jan,

      I hope my answer to Jane above helps.

      Much love and blessings to you too 🙂

      Mel xo

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    November 14, 2013

    Hi Mel. I can relate to feeling invisible and staying behind others and really feeling joyous for them when their lives start to go well. I never really thought about me and what I achieved, even though my closest friends are amazed at what I have achieved in my life, the struggles I have worked through to get where I am and what I am able to achieve in my life today. I have just not been able to see and appreciate it myself. It is terrible I think to not be able to fully appreciate my efforts on my own behalf and just take joy in them. I am always moving onto the next thing but mainly, not taking the time to really appreciate what I have done NOW! Recently, as you know, I got a kitten. This kitten is so different from any other one that I have had. Elijah is strong, healthy, feels good about himself, is not the runt of the litter and lives his little 9 week old life as if he deserves to be alive. He is not afraid of anything and knows he deserves to be loved. I am learning from him and I love him a lot. Some things have changed for me and somehow, I feel as if I have entered my body in a new way. I actually feel as if I am my kids’ teacher now in a way that I didn’t before. I have a new authority in my teaching and am demanding certain standards and not letting anything slide and the kids are picking up on it and so are the parents, especially one who has violated some classroom boundaries. I have made it clear that my classroom has boundaries and I expect her to abide by them. I have just found out that I am to teach a Kindergarten/Foundation class next year and am very happy. Perhaps my life is opening up and I am valuing myself more. I went on a date last Sunday and was able to look perceptively at the man, know that I enjoyed his company and also know that I may see him again, but am not really invested in him one way or the other. What I want counts. My daughter is getting married in two weeks. I am still working on me to see if I can shift the stuff that will clear the way for us to relate more warmly and closely with each other and I am also very tired of how things are between us. It is very painful to be excluded from any wedding preparations and to have her new parents-in-law and her N father take pride of place in the celebrations and for me to be on the outer. I sent her an email offering to help her prior to the wedding and also on the actual day and have received no reply. I care about me and how I feel so responded to her this morning telling her that I feel disappointed and hurt at the exclusion and acknowledged how sad I am that we have not had the opportunity to connect with each other. I am going to take up space with what I feel and want in my life and I want a relationship with her based on authenticity and feeling; not lies. I don’t know what else to do except keep working the modules and getting on with my own life whilst visualising us being closer. I have never really pretended with her, but now, I am expressing what I want with her and am not apologising for wanting it. I am not invested in whether she likes what I wrote or not but I am glad that I expressed how I feel to her and let her know that she is precious and that I love her and want her to have a happy life with her new husband. If I died today, at least I have let her know that. I do believe more than ever that I matter but I am sure that there are still beliefs that are getting in the way that I will do some modules on. Thanks for this blog post and I will read it again tonight.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    November 14, 2013

    Hi Anon,

    I think many, many people could relate to you – absolutely!

    Being sooo capable yet not being able to ‘feel it’!

    This is so wonderful you have got to the level of joy of being narc free.

    From this place it does become a wonderful and an exciting journey of developing ‘self’.

    Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    November 14, 2013

    Hi Suzanne,

    Thank you for your post. The pics of your gorgeous kitten have been such a delight to see in the NARC group!

    It is fantastic that you are shining your authentic self without fear. Only wonderful things can come from that Suzanne.

    You have grown so much in the last couple of months 🙂

    Mel xo

    • psyche@iinet.net.au'
      Suzanne
      November 14, 2013

      Thanks Mel for your positive comments. I feel different inside; sort of like I was a child playing all sorts of things, including teacher! Now I feel more solid and real and am working each day to truly care for me. I am so glad that the NARC group has enjoyed the pics of Elijah. He is just so beautiful and I feel a lot of tenderness and joy by having him in my life. I am still fairly cloistered at home. Don’t think I have agoraphobia, but just want to be in my own space with myself and there is so much to do re modules and just doing what feels right in the moment when I have spare time. I am still working the Number 8 module because somehow I feel energetically linked with my ex-boyfriend and it is distressing. I find that I get relief when I do the module. He is so tied up with my dad and as I sort out the stuff about my dad, I am sure that I will get to the point where my ex-boyfriend is simply another person on the street to whom I feel no emotional charge. I am not there yet, but am aware of where I am. Once again, thanks so much for being here and supporting us all in our journeys. I am especially enjoying belonging in the NARC group and getting to know people there. It is god-send for me. Strangely, it is becoming less important to have a man in my life. I have supported myself for a long time now financially and perhaps am feeling more secure and less bound by fear of survival. I am just focussing on the present and am trusting that as I grow, it will all work out somehow. Focussing on what might happen in 10 years seems less important than just focussing on today.Thanks for your acknowledgement that I am growing. I think I am too.I seem to be acting out of myself more and more; not so much saying anything, but just being myself and not wasting time on anyone who is not any good for me to stay around. I am really taking good care of me.

  • goli_saba@yahoo.com'
    goli
    November 14, 2013

    Thank you again
    Every word of you ,for me is like a lamp ,starts to shine inside me.
    In these past 5 months, your words and lessons saved me of depression and showed me the way of healing from N abuse. I deeply am grateful and i will continue working
    I promiss .
    Goli

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 15, 2013

      Hi Goli,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased my material has been able to help you heal 🙂

      Mel xo

  • mydogrudy@comcast.net'
    Deb
    November 15, 2013

    This was simply wonderful and powerful and truthful! I love it!

    My experience ended 4.5 months ago but the inner work to heal goes on and on. At long last I am releasing the pain and am able to begin this important inner work, identifying my role in co-creating this entire event. Releasing the shame and blame, loving and forgiving myself, and becoming more authentic and living life courageously instead of in fear. Feeling increasingly worthy of that right to be authentic and to be myself every day.

    THANK YOU Mel, from the bottom of my curly headed heart, for your efforts to help us all expand and grow.

    xoxo Deb

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 15, 2013

      Hi Deb,

      I am so pleased this article resonated with you.

      Wonderful you have started the inner work and shifting up and out of the pain. Gorgeous now that is releasing, you have the room and the powerful commitment to yourself to claim and fill up with Who You Are.

      You are so welcome Deb, and much love and hugs back to you!

      Mel xo

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Raeanne
    November 16, 2013

    So spot on. Thank you once again. I feel that un-worthiness has fed into my own co-creation. Your insight and support is so vital. You have helped me beyond bounds.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2013

      Hi Raeanne,

      You are very welcome.

      Wonderful that you are self-identifying what you can heal and shift to empower your creations!

      I am so pleased my material has been able to help you! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • marronheath@aol.com'
    Amy
    November 16, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I’ve enjoyed both your articles and the entire NARP program for about a year now and have gotten many benefits from it. But I had a question, also. My experience, as clear as I can understand, happened with a relative from the ages of 5-13 and so I can’t be clear this person was a narc though the symptoms remain. I definitely have never felt I had permission to take up space. When I do the NARP programs, I usually do them with my experiences with her in mind as far as where the beliefs got started. Is it okay to still do the programs, even if I’m not sure about her? Thanks!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    November 18, 2013

    Hi Amy,

    that is wonderful that you are growing, healing and expanding.

    Yes it is definitely okay to do the work with NARP on anyone you feel pain, abuse with.

    The classification of ‘narcissist ‘ is not the relevance – what is, is the shifting of painful beliefs from your inner being in order to assist your liberation.

    You may wish to consider the Family of Origin Program to really focus on family members, as this has a more intense focus on cleaning up those particular programs and you will find it very helpful and powerful for this stage of your journey.

    Mel xo

  • Itxchris@me.com'
    Christy
    November 19, 2013

    I instigated a discussion last night in attempt to resolve an issue, and found I was the issue, again. My fact finding brain went for solice on the internet searching “what do I do to get blame?” Narcassism was a hit

  • cyberworlduser1@yahoo.com'
    NARC-ABUSED
    November 19, 2013

    so timely and so real ! as always. you are liberating us all Melanie!!!

  • pennymorris125@gmail.com'
    Penny
    November 28, 2013

    Melanie,

    I LOVE YOU! Your wisdom as a healer, your authenticity and gift for sharing
    have literally given me my life back!

    I am,too, an energy healer and coach. My journey recently led me to the ultimate ‘walk your talk” test. I have been reminded that healing (mine in this case) is a perpetual process that requires conscious engagement on an energetic level.

    Eighteen months ago, I led one of my transformational retreats by the ocean. We each shared something that we wanted to manifest. My wish was to attract the love of my life….my soulmate, after feeling that I had effectively healed my childhood wounds, as well as those from my 11 year marriage which had ended 13 long years ago! I was ready!

    Within 5 months an old college mate appeared in my life like “magic”. We enjoyed the delicious fantasy of re-connection, filling in missing gaps over the 35 years of being connected as just classmates and through mutual friends. We had never been really close friends….only from afar. We never crossed paths romantically in all of those years. So here we were, both divorced and in our mid 50’s….still feeling and owning the fruits of our youth….feeling and looking better than we felt at 40, wondering how did we “miss out on one another? We quickly identified with our common ground…both empty nesters (I am…his adolescent boys are estranged..???hmm…I was determined to facilitate their reunion…afterall he was such a great man…how could his boys be deprived?), both possessed a passion for fun, travel, music, food, dance, travel, intellect…all the makings for the perfect romance and possibly a sustainable journey of love, understanding, supportiveness,commitment and growth together.

    Fast forward….I ended it a month ago….a year to the date that we started our journey. He walked out of my door and drove off. I sat there… feeling partially relieved, yet nauseous and wrung-out like a washcloth from what felt like a year-long series of roller coaster rides, walks in a mine field of eggshells, with enough fantasy and plain ole good times and constant “attention” (what I crave only from some people…archtypes; not others) to keep me going.

    WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED? More importantly, what had happened to the spiritually evolved, wise, independent, thriving happy person that I believed I was on the other side of this past year? I sat there NUMB.. I reflected. I could only act as far as to GOOGLE. KEY WORDS…”betrayed by boyfriend”, “self-absorbed men who control”…ah-hah…”narcissist”! That day I discovered NPD. He matched for every criteria listed; although with me, no violence. For a month I have been addicted to sites on N’s. I have read every article by Sam Vaknim. I was possessed with reading and reflecting, re-hashing the past 365 days of my life with my N. The good the great, the bad, the really bad.

    SIDEBAR:I have to mention that one week prior to the day that I ended it, I HAD FALLEN and broke my wrist. A massage therapist and coach, I’ve had plenty of time to just be still, as my arm is in a full cast. This is where devine intervention has occurred. There was no circumstance to have caused me to BLINDLY power walk into a set of concrete steps that day! I lay there in pain beyond believe, looking at my bone deformed and knew that an urgent, devine message had been sent via special delivery!

    You see, the flow of the “relationship” had started to really bother me. My high tolerance for emotional abuse was catching up to me… my spirit was finally registering more negativity than positivity. My emotions were becoming more congruent with my mind. I was feeling “dis-ease” in all aspects of my life. My Life….what was left of it! A week into the broken wrist/cast…no live visits from my N!!!! He was too tired, too busy working…true; but superman had always managed a way to make the hour drive in the past. The calls, however, remained consistent and constant, expressing concern; but no actions to actually offer help. My new state of reluctant stillness had allowed me to begin to “listen”..really examine the “monologue”… very predictable rants about how his workaholism was paying off, his plans to purchase big toys, to go on big trips with the guys, familiar smudging of the 3 ex-wives, the system, and the ungrateful children. I realized that someone so incapable of showing love to his own children could never, ever truly love me….and certainly not my child. It hit me! THIS IN NOT ACCEPTABLE!

    WE SCHEDULED A DATE. Our first in 10 days, our first since my accident. I knew in my gut this would be the last. I had suffered a break in my right wrist from a fall that made no sense. Energetically and intuitively I inferred that this was a message from my angels to make a break from my involvement with the man in my life. My angels in heaven and earth know how stubborn I can be. They had to get my attention! They did. I am a hands-on, tactile, active person! “How can I go on with a cast”, I asked. This stopped me in my tracks! My “tracks” had become the short road to living only to be with and be for my N.

    So…after 4 weeks of numbingly scouring every word of Sam V., I felt validated, yet sick to my stomach.I could not sleep at night. I felt so dark! I finally stumbled across your website, Melanie! How refreshing! That night I lay in bed listening to your comforting, reassuring voice. It was the first good night’s sleep I’d had in months! Your messages, your modalities, your spirit resonated with me.The next day I watched your videos about peptides and experienced your healing. Thank you for turning this dark hole around for me! I have been able to go back to wounds that I thought I had processed years ago. Apparently not! I can’t believe that I coach others via energy healing with very similar messages. I just needed to hear them and to be guided through another medium. You are just an amazing healer, educator, communicator and spirit! Here’s more… my angel the day of my fall was my baby sister who transitioned from a rare blood cancer two years ago. I feel her with me everyday! Her name was Melanie!

    Thank you and God bless you, Melanie!
    ~Penny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 28, 2013

      Hi Penny,

      wow your post is amazing – and it is fantastic seeing the level of courage, truth, honesty and commitment you are making to yourself.

      You have raised a very powerful point – that focusing on the dis-ease of narcissism alone is not the process of recovery.

      It truly is so important to bring the focus back to ourselves and discover and heal the inner programs that have allowed us to be caught up in relationships with narcissists.

      It is lovely to have you as a part of this community and I am so pleased that you connected…

      That is so gorgeous that your sister is with you in spirit…so beautiful.

      YOu are so welcome Penny, and thank you for your post 🙂

      Mel xo

  • chochemathapelo@yahoo.co.za'
    Mmathapelo
    December 5, 2013

    I Am like the girl that asked the first question but luckily I have all my answers wooow

  • janriv1014@gmail.com'
    Jan
    December 9, 2013

    It seems to me, that what you describe – what has happened to the victims of N’s that has caused us to be this way, the unhealed parts of us – as well as all of the things you list in locating our unworthiness – are the same as with what has happened to create the Narcissist, and what the Narcissist would have to do to heal. Just an observation…maybe you can clarify.

    • Melanie
      December 10, 2013

      Hi Jan,

      it is very true that ALL people are either connected with their true selves or NOT…

      That is the very cause of dysfunction, pain and an outer life that reflects the inner dysfunction.

      The healing system in theory to heal, grow and evolve is identical for anyone and everyone – release the pain and false beliefs out of subconscious body and reconnect back to True Self beliefs.

      It is possible for anyone – BUT the issue is taking full 100% responsibility as the generator of our painful experience from these wounded parts, in order to do the transformational work that is required.

      Narcs simply aren’t accountable and don’t take responsibility. Because this means humility, forgoing narc supply (instant gratification) and BEING with these inner wounds to do the work. Narcs will avoid that at ANY cost.

      Hence why as far as a narc is concerned the excuse is inbuilt as “It’s someone else’s fault” and “there is nothing wrong with me – you are the problem!”

      ‘Humility’ is only a feigned strategy to ensure narc supply – if it shows up…and it certainly does not last.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

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