I often receive this question from people – “What are the common negative beliefs that lead to narcissistic abuse?”
This happens frequently through emails, but this question popped up in the blog comments last week.
As a result, I decided it was time to write an article about this.
I realised quite some time ago that we hold common negative beliefs, which create susceptibility to abuse.
There is a pattern and predisposition that many giving, caring people with integrity have – which allows them to get enmeshed with narcissists.
These are exactly the beliefs a narcissist can use to hook you, bind you to him or her, and continue to extract a narcissistic supply from you.
When I started to recover from narcissistic abuse, identifying and releasing negative beliefs for myself and my clients, I found many common threads over and over again.
I want to share a few of the most powerful ones with you.
Before I do – let’s just re-cap what negative beliefs are.
What Are Negative Belief Systems?
They are false premises about ourselves, life and others, creating pain and dysfunction.
Negative belief systems are internal programs within our subconscious, which were established generally at a very young age whilst we were operating in theta and alpha brainwaves.
We acquire these beliefs emotionally from our environment before developing cognitive reasoning.
During this time, we could not filter any of the messages as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, and as a result, they were all accepted as ‘true’.
The very nature of a belief system is this: To generate the evidence in life that confirms the belief as ‘true’.
A couple of examples of painful belief systems are these:
“People don’t support me. I have to do everything myself”, and
“Men are only after one thing.”
When people have belief systems such as these, life will always reflect back to that person, regardless of anything they try to do to create another reality.
This person will also ‘show up’ in life as operating emotionally within that belief system and will unconsciously create more of that reality in their life by pushing away support, not speaking up for what they need, choosing non-supportive people, sabotaging decent potential men, and enmeshing with ones who ‘are after one thing’.
Belief systems are powerful. They run our lives.
In areas of our life that just work, we have excellent belief systems which serve us. These self-generated internal beliefs and how we healthily and emotionally operate are responsible for these outcomes.
In any area of our life that we struggle – the culprit is always negative beliefs we have on that particular topic.
Deep within our subconscious are belief systems that play out exactly to generate painful and negative results.
All we have to do is look at our real-life outcomes to understand the topics that connect us to our negative belief systems.
Life always shows them to us.
Life makes the unconscious conscious.
The Common Beliefs We Carry That Match Narcissistic Abuse
The following are some of the main beliefs common with narcissistic abuse.
Not only did I find this thread of consistency – I also discovered the profound results when releasing and reversing these painful belief systems – which is what true recovery is all about.
The first painful belief is this…
1) I can’t create my own security, fulfilment, accomplishments, love and approval, or joy in life.
Many believe that without another person’s energy, they cannot generate their own life in some areas.
Co-dependents fall into this category and are terrified about believing they can feel ‘whole’ or ‘fulfilled’ alone.
I define co-dependent as someone who feels empty inside and tries to gain an aspect of the ‘self’ from the outside. Understandably co-dependency can be a prevalent human condition.
The narcissist shows up as the dream person who can magically provide all of what the co-dependent yearns for. This makes it incredibly difficult to let go of the ‘mirage’ that seemed to be the answer to all the lifelong feelings of emptiness, insecurity and pain.
Some of the false beliefs that get accessed when ‘Releasing the illusion that the narcissist is the perfect partner’ include:
- On my own, I am not enough.
- I am not worth loving.
- Life doesn’t support and love me.
- I am powerless to create my own chosen realities.
When Quanta Freedom Healing is used to release these painful negative beliefs, they are then replaced with the natural True Self-state of:
- I am enough and worth loving simply because I exist
- Life co-creates with me lovingly and abundantly
- I have the power to generate and create my own chosen realities
2) I am a victim of life and bad people
Victimisation is powerlessness.
It separates us from our own personal growth and evolution.
As children, if we were abused, guilted, devalued, engulfed, controlled and overpowered in ways that were detrimental to our ability to love, accept and trust ourselves – we developed beliefs that we were powerless to generate and create a healthy entitlement to love, respect, and stability.
As a result, we learnt to minimise ourselves. We did not dare to (or know how to) identify, anchor into and speak up for our feelings and needs right from the beginning of relationships. We try to appease others to lessen the risk of criticism, rejection, abandonment or punishment (C.R.A.P).
Some of the false beliefs that get accessed when ‘Forgiving life, others and ourselves from what we have been through include:
- I am a victim.
- Other people hurt me and mistreat me.
- I am powerless to stop people from hurting me – it is just what they do.
- Life and others don’t have my best interests at heart.
When Quanta Freedom Healing is used to release these painful negative beliefs, they are replaced with the natural True Self-state of:
- My soul co-creates experiences so that I can develop, heal and be whole
- People will always treat me at the level of development matching where I am with myself
- I have the power to generate my own evolution – to heal and be authentic, speak my needs clearly and stand for my own truth, regardless of what other people are or aren’t choosing to be or do
- Life and others will reflect on my essential emotional relationship with myself – no more and no less. Therefore my true graduation fundamentally starts with me.
3) I can’t heal, recover or reach closure until justice is done or wrongs are righted
This belief is typically human.
Anyone can logically understand that we want bad people brought to justice and wish they could be made accountable.
Emotionally this belief is incredibly self-defeating and literally cripples your life.
If you believe that your life depends on someone else doing anything so that you can feel better – you have immediately handed your power straight over to them.
Powerlessness starts when you make something or someone else responsible for your feelings and your life turns out.
You have no control over this ’something’ or ‘someone else’. You only ever have control of yourself – and you need to be non-reliant on anything outside of you if you wish to have the freedom to generate happiness and create a fulfilling life.
This doesn’t mean you must be ‘an island’ or do everything alone.
In fact, it is the exact opposite.
There are lovely, incredible and loving resources to help you build your life. This means you can detach from forcing a lousy person to make amends and focus on releasing them and the pain to be free to co-create with healthy, resourceful people.
If you don’t, you will remain a prisoner to this person long after you have left them and long after you physically exited the ‘prison cell’.
If you don’t detach and reverse these belief systems, you remain enmeshed in the pain and cannot access life’s happy, healthy, supportive and fulfilling resources.
One of the greatest hooks to a narcissist is trying to force him or her to be accountable.
This puts you in the direct firing line of abuse, which grants the narcissist an excellent dumping ground for his or her tortured self, and guarantees the narcissist copious amounts of A-Grade narcissistic supply.
Your attention and the narcissist knowing her or she can affect you intensely.
Co-dependents have high levels of integrity and make great targets for abusers due to ‘fighting for integrity and accountability’.
Some of the false beliefs that get accessed when ‘Releasing the need to win and gain accountability’ include:
- My emotions are dependent on what others are or aren’t doing
- I can’t receive closure until amends are made
- I am powerless to create my own reconciliation with myself
- If I can’t be right, I can’t be safe or happy
When Quanta Freedom Healing is used to release these painful negative beliefs, they are replaced with the natural True Self-state of:
- I have the power to generate and create my own emotional well-being.
- My closure is between myself, life and my development into more empowered and healthier realities.
- Specific people do not need to share my values, views, beliefs or truth for me to generate and create a safe, happy and healthy life for myself.
4) I am responsible for other people’s lack of development and awareness.
Many co-dependents are fixers, rescuers and/or healers.
They have empathy for others and take it upon themselves to try to help other people. Often unsolicited, and often when these people are unwilling to take responsibility for themselves.
The deeper truth is that they often try to ‘fix’ other people so that they can finally allow them to feel safe, happy and whole.
We often attempt to subconsciously fix the ‘mother’ or ‘father’ who hurt us in childhood. We repeatedly rip open those unhealed wounds rather than achieving this ‘fix’.
This equals how to lose – badly.
Many co-dependents feel like parents to the insecure, damaged and under-developed ‘child’ that the narcissist is. It is their moral duty to set the narcissist straight by teaching him or her ‘fundamental human decency’, not turn their back, not abandon him or her, or feel incredible guilt at the thought of leaving the narcissist to his or her own disorder.
People who try to take responsibility for a narcissist and attempt to fix, change, prescribe or lecture the narcissist are targeted heavily for abuse.
Rather than the narcissist ‘getting it’, he or she will project blame heavily onto you, accuse you of everything he or she is doing, and will punish you for the ‘accusations’ that the narcissist’s intense and disordered defence mechanisms must maliciously lash out at you for.
The narcissist will defend his or her False Self at all costs. You are a meaningless casualty in comparison.
Some of the false beliefs that get accessed when ‘Releasing the need to take responsibility for the narcissist’ include:
- If I don’t fix other people, I can’t be safe, happy or healthy
- This person is my Soul Mate, who I am meant to help heal
When Quanta Freedom Healing is used to release these painful negative beliefs, they are replaced with the natural True Self-state of:
- My true responsibility is toward my own evolution, and that is how I will generate safety, happiness and a healthy life
- A ‘negative’ interaction with any person grants everyone involved the opportunity to become conscious and self-evolve – if they choose to take that opportunity.
How Important the Foundation of Healthy Beliefs Systems Is
I have discovered that people who have accessed the Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course before working on abuse belief systems struggle to move forward.
It is impossible to create internal freedom aligning with an expansive and great life when you are still hard-wired into abusive beliefs that hand power over to mean people, events and situations.
Being abused activated severe fear, pain and toxic belief systems – it also unearthed what you need to clean up to create a fulfilling, wholesome, safe and happy life.
I love the wonderful late Debbie Ford’s famous expression, “You can’t put ice cream on top of poop.”
She was referring to belief systems.
My expression is: “You can’t drive a Ferrari into the garage when a rusted old wreck is blocking its path”.
Many have argued that the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is only for intimate partner narcissistic relationships, which is inaccurate.
The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is for any abusive relationship you wish to deprogram and heal. It includes reversing the specific beliefs that have co-created abuse in your life. The ones I have described above, and many others, are included in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
When you reverse your negative beliefs, you heal powerfully.
That is how you develop into a Thriver from this experience – the cleaning up of internal programs that you received genetically (science now proves that you received the emotional predispositions of your parents since you were conceived) were reinforced developmentally (no ‘coincidence’ that the negative belief systems you acquired genetically were then further reinforced through ‘behaviour’), and which have been stunting your ability to generate a new and healthier future.
We must break those subconscious patterns to break the cycles of painful and unfulfilling relationships.
Suppose we don’t have aligned beliefs with what we want to create. In that case, we cannot access those possibilities in our energetic field because we can only ever generate outcomes within the range of our present subconscious beliefs.
I hope this article has helped you realise your true power, liberation and development.
It never comes from ‘the outside’.
It is created on ‘the inside’.
I’m excited to answer any comments or questions you may have about this article.
After an 18-year relationship with a narcissist who cheated on and then left me, my more recent relationship was with someone with a different personality disorder (borderline) and I left her after a mere six months. It was actually a big breakthrough for me to break up with someone… anyone.
Now I am deciding not to look for a partner again until I have my own emotional ducks more in order, even if I have come a long way.
Hi Karen,
that is wonderful that now you are dedicating to working on your emotional beliefs.
That truly is the answer.
Great job!
Mel xo
Well, I didn’t just start, actually. It’s just that I came from a *very* dysfunctional family and so I had a *lot* of work to do.
I can now really understand how feelings of wanting revenge, and feeling like the people who hurt you need to feel bad about it, in the end hinders us. I did a bit of revenge stuff when I was gaslighted(never was a revenge type prior), and im fine wirh that, but noticed aa life got better for me, I still held on to alot of pain and obsession. I couldnt understand why ,till I discovered your blogs and see I had alot of issues that explains this, and Im feeling way way more peace and relief. I dont have to forgive to feel better and whole again, I can just do the self love, and the detachment just seems to follow. Detachment is feeling nothing, no hate nor bitterness, no desire to right wrongs anymore. Ive moved on and am not that desperate woman trying to be with people who didnt see my worth anymore. Now I can really enjoy my future completly.
Melanie,
I LOVE reading your articles and ebooks. Have you written/published a hard copy book? I would buy a dozen for my friends and keep my copy close for frequent re-reading.
Thank you SO much for all the work you do. Your Quantum Healing Program repaired me in ways that 2 years of Therapy COULD NOT and WOULD NOT have ever done… Your articles continue to help me keep on the right path toward healing.
thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU
Hi Heather,
I am so pleased you are getting a lot out of the mateiral.
Fabbo that the Program has helped you heal so much!!
Next year I am creating a book with the most relevant pieces of this information in it…
So looking forward to that project! 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you so much for this.It made uncomfortable reading but somewhere deep inside I knew already.Its took yet another destructive relationship for me to finally go enough is enough.Im 9 months out of it and have felt completly broken by it.Im so glad someone recommened your site.I have no income at the moment so am not able to invest in buying the programme but Im finding the posts really helpful in the meantime until my situation changes.
Thank you so much
Happy Thanksgiving Melanie. I, just wanted to share on the eve of Thanksgiving, that I am very thankful for having found your blog this year and for yourself and the many people who have and are helping me to grow and thrive this year, instead of merely survive!
Hi Redd,
Thank you very much – we don’t celebrate TG here in Aussie, but wishing you a wonderful holiday time!
I am so pleased you found this Community and that my information is helping you so much 🙂
It is sooo wonderful to Thrive!
Mel xo
Thank you so much for reminding me that the real work has to occur inside of me. All of the negative beliefs listed above rang true for me and I am working to change them into healthier reality. The core changes take time and reading your blog is helping me stay on the right path. It is so reassuring to know that I am not the only one who feels this way and there is hope.
Hi Joy,
You are very welcome.
Yes, that is the REAL work – undeniably.
We truly are all in this together Joy.
The creating of healthy consciousness and healthy relationship truths!
Mel xo
Mel,
I’m in a court battle with my ex narc over child support. Part of me does not want to continue the battle , and just wants to give up and continue with my life, being solely financially responsible for my children. The court battle is exhausting, and drains my financial and emotional resources. The other part in me says it is not fair: I want him accountable and paying child support. But I really don’t know maybe it is better not to try to hold him financially accountable, for my own sake. I did do NARP a while back ago and found it so helpful, but on the subject of court battles with the narc, I’m not sure i’m doing the right thing by keeping the fight. I’m ready to give up, for the hope of regaining peace and quite, but then what keeps me in court is exactly this thought: that I want him financially accountable. Confusing state for me to be at.
Hi Jane,
Module 8 is your ‘go to’ Module at this time..
As many times as you need to work it. NARPers who work with Module 8 get the best results in battles.
After working Module 8 and with your own emotional resonance you will be much more aligned, solid and calm to decide and know what is the best thing to do.
The goal is to NOT be in the energy of combating him – it is to be calmly and powerfully aligned with your truth FOR YOU.
Your deservedness and integrity.
The true work needs to take place ‘within’.
Mel xo
I was the “fixer.” The funny thing is that I only tried to “fix” love partners. I cut off abusive relationships with friends very easily. I’m doing NARP and I’m just so elated to be free from the need to “fix” people to meet my needs.
Thanks for all that you do, Mel!
Hi N,
Great you have recognised this! What a relief it is when we can let go of the futileness of ‘fixing’ and become the generator of walking authenticity and having our needs met healthily!
Fantastic stuff!
Much Love xo
Hi Melanie…great article. I have been NARPing about releasing the need for life to “pay back” my xN and I’ve realized lately partly what is behind it. A very deep-rooted belief system that I can’t trust my feelings and intuition, and that I was totally over-reacting to the N’s behaviors. I lost him to this new woman because of my oversensitivity, and now she is enjoying a relationship with him. In other words, I was the problem, and if this relationship “works”, it just reinforces the belief that I’m defective, weak and I couldn’t make the relationship succeed.
Is this a common belief? And what module would you suggest I take this to?
Thanks, Melanie.
Hi Patti,
I am so glad you enjoyed the article!
This is fantastic that you are getting to the deep layers – the fundamental core beliefs.
This is a wonderful sign that you are on the cusp of some very big breakthroughs.
I would work first Module 1 to work on the painful emotion of this, and then work the goal setting Module – set up the goal of ‘Trusting my intuition and feelings and speaking up calmly, healthily and clearly for my truth.”
What this will do is allow you to realise that when you can show up as authentic in life, you will co-create healthy relationships.
This empowerment should also pull of the last bits of the pain of thinking you pushed him away…(in that there could have been a healthy relationship with him).
If these thoughts still linger go back to Module 2 and re-work.
And if you still have pain on him being with the other woman work through Module 4 again.
You will be a new woman in regard to your ability to feel ‘whole’ on these topics after that!
Mel xo
P.S. Another part of the belief… So, if his new marriage flops it will grant me the validation I couldn’t provide for myself (that I truly WAS listening to my soul’s warning cry…and that yes, it really was THAT BAD).
It has helped to realize why I was having a hard time “forgiving” him…it was really less about him as it was about me needing outside validation. SO interesting what comes up when we dig around inside!
Yes Patti,
the truth is it ALWAYS comes back to ‘us’ – the narcissist is simply the catalyst showing it up!
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie for all the work you do. Your articles are always right on target. I recently (one month ago) officially divorced my N husband after being separated for 9 years and enduring the most horrific soul-crushing abuse. Our separation began when I found out that he cheated on me. That same day he “left me” but wanted to remain living with me. I endured that for 2 years before finally getting the courage to ask him to leave and mean it. He left but continued coming over to my home to spend time with the kids. He stayed over nearly every weekend. Two days ago he told me he was in love with someone and was happier than he has ever been in his life and didn’t want to hear from me anymore. He does bot help with our children and has left all of their care up to me. I am crushed because I thought he was incapable of love as he has told me everytime I asked him why he treated me so badly. I know he ia an N and he knows it too in fact he uses it as an excuse to justify everything he does. I am stuck in this painful place that I cannot seem to move from.
Hi TG,
I am so sorry you are going through so much emotional pain…
This is the severe anguish narcisissts cause.
TG the total, solid truth on this is that we need to do the work, deeply inside ourselves to get well.
The question is for all of us, when will we choose to do that?
When we make that choice we can start developing out inner being and pulling away from what is clearly not loving, and begin to honour and love ourselves and create an authentic life with people who are capable of real and true love.
Mel xo
I find it very hard to not walk in to this trap when falling in love.
I try to be “aware” and then just to find that I am once again trapped in to his world – finding that my mind is setting my hopes to that he will “save” me. Visioning that I am with him in his house, in his car, with his family .. doing happy things and you are so right.
Even though the man I fell in love with last time was not a narcissist, I still fell in to my own trap – he was just being NICE to me because I felt bad and had not fallen for me like I had fallen for him. Then I ended up feeling sad and miserable – just by my own doing!!
These two sentences will be in my mind all day today:
My true responsibility is toward my own evolution, and that is how I will generate safety, happiness and a healthy life
A ‘negative’ interaction with any person grants everyone involved the opportunity to become conscious and self-evolve – if they chose to take that opportunity.
Wich in short for me is – focus on evolving yourself – without being rescued and dare to say no – it helps other people grow! Including you! 🙂
Thanky you. You made my day.
Hi Jael,
gorgeous self-recognition!
And so empowering for you…
That is SO true – that being authentic and taking self-responsibility is the most powerful way to generate more of that collectively.
Your taking responsibility and being ‘real’ allows the highest vibration possible for everyone in your space to also grow and heal.
Mel xo
That is helpful information & it’s good to get some sign posts on the way. It can be difficult to identify the subconscious beliefs which drive our behaviour simply because they are just that “subconscious” Are you saying that it would be no good doing the NARP modules & the quanta healing until the beliefs are identified & released ? With thanks Jyoti xxx
Hi Jyoti,
The QFH process in NARP and the ES Course take you deeply inside in order to find these beliefs.
In every Module all you need to do is feel the emotional pain, and then you are directed in each healing with the process of ‘how to’ in order to find and release the belief.
The Modules do it all for you if you simply follow my voice and the easy instructions.
Mel xo
I am so grateful for your blog and the help you have given me. I suffered for six years with my ex narc who lied, cheated, demanded attention and devalued me horribly yet he had other wonderful qualities that I justified. Not sure I have the record but we broke up and got back together over 40 times in that period. That created the best get back together sex and passion. He broke it off with me 1.5 years ago and I have not dated since to offer myself the best chance of healing. Your website has helped tremendously.
My problem now is I’ve been doing coffee dates through an online dating site and after meeting several men, they all want me but I feel no attraction. I have no “romantic” feelings for some very nice men. Im fearing this is some residual affects from being so abused and is this common? It kills me he has been in a relationship this whole time and I can’t even feel like I want to kiss another man. Thank you for any advise.
I know it is painful and surprising not to have any romantic feelings at the moment, but in a way it is much safer than what happened to me. After I finally broke up and separated from my narcissistic ex, all those suppressed feelings, a whole chaotic mix just exploded inside me (earlier I felt like a robot, completely numb, you can’t really hurt a machine).
I needed to run, to act, I was suddenly meeting new people, exhausting myself, wanting to experience something wild and intense – I guess my addiction to my ex shifted towards the world in general. It all passed finally, gradually and luckily I didn’t get into any relationships in that phase – that could have been a total disaster. Don’t rush yourself, those feelings are there somewhere and they will come back to the surface when the moment is right.
Hi Mg,
I am so pleased I have been able to help you, and you are so welcome.
Mg what you are describing is evidence to you emotionally that you need to get to the bottom of ‘why’ you are experiencing this ‘shutdown’ and ‘non-attraction’.
I can’t without accessing your inner know the specific reasons, and the truth is neither can you.
The fact you ‘fear’ that it is to do with abuse, means it is…That is your subconscious telling you.
As far as the specific reasons within the abuse you have endured, deeply working on yourself will not only reveal what those painful beliefs are, but can also heal them.
Logical information such as reading etc. can never substitute for the deeper inner work on ourselves. There is an incredible difference between ‘thinking’ we are okay, and ‘knowing’ we are okay (because we just are).
Also the fact that you are still holding the pain of him moving on, and you haven’t means there is work to be done.
Because when you have healed those painful beliefs associated with that, truly you could not care less that he has.
I would suggest NARP through and through to you to clean this up. It may feel like you are going ‘backwards’ to go ‘forwards’, but if you do the work then you REALLY can go forwards healthily.
Mel xo
I almost wrote the exact same question! I’m attractive, 30, active, outgoing….
I have several men that literally offer me the world. But I feel NOTHING! I think about how well I, and both my children, would be cared for and treated by these men. Emotionally, mentally, physically, financially… I would be truly loved. Yet I almost feel anxious around them. It makes me miss my N even more. But looking back, my N, even in the beginning, didn’t treat me 10% as nicely as these men do. I bounce between “maybe I’m not healed” or “he’s just not the one”. But after 2 years of being single, I miss companionship. And my N chased off any friends that could fill that void.
Ugh. What I would do to feel butterflies again….
One more thought….
I’ve wondered if healthy men don’t offer the same “energy” zap that Ns do. I’ve often thought that true love doesn’t happen overnight, it doesn’t have highs and lows, and it doesn’t make your adrenaline pump. That’s just what happens with the N. So we have unrealistic expectations of what love feels like. If it isn’t that ZAP… We think “there’s nothing at all”. But the feeling that falling in love with the N was like,before all the madness, was the best emotional drug. I’ve often thought that coming to terms with never feeling that way again, but trusting real love, while different, is a feeling worth waiting for, may be the key. It’s just hard to accept that you may never feel that way again, when you don’t know yet what real love will feel like.
Hi Lauren,
You have raised a really good point…
And it all comes back to needing to be an energetic match (aligned inner belief systems) with what we wish to receive in life.
If we are not anchored into feeling like the security of being our own source to self of wellbeing, solidness and wholeness then we can’t accept someone who is genuinely these attributes.
It is an energetic (belief system) impossibility.
Your anxiousness is the mismatch…
Your inner beliefs that are still ‘fractured’ on some level ‘crave’ for their match – the narcissist.
This is the inner child broken parts who wants the fix of the painful programs from outside of herself (rather than becoming the solution to herself).
It all comes back to working on yourself, so that you can feel chemical attraction to decent, solid men.
You will only feel the chemical attraction (butterflies) when your inner self is a match for these people.
Mel xo
Your ‘one more thought’ Lauren is this…
The ‘high’of love as an obsessive chemical is the incredible relief that someone has taken our focus off our own inner pain…
The narcissist seemed to be the ‘answer’ to provide that high..
Little did we know that our relief from our own painful internal beliefs via the narcissist is an exact match for the narcissist’s obscene need for narcissistic supply – to ‘use’ people to self-avoid.
Normal, healthy, wholesome relationships aren’t obsession, and extreme chemical highs of idealisation and fantasies..
They are solid, warm, healthy and secure.
It is more of a comfortable feeling than a high / low from a drug.
Obsession and love are polar opposites, and a relationship with a narcissist is anything but love.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much for the great article. These negative beliefs you addressed resonate so much in me. And i am really looking forward to go through NARP and releasing rest of the blocks and hooks that makes me subject to narc abuse. Not long ago i made a decision to not get into another relationship until being through with self, clearing all the negative beliefs and claiming the true self. because everytime i got into new relationship i ended up sabotaging it, no matter how much i liked the person and wanted it work.
I feel that during the healing process it helps to disconnect from life a little bit and be patient with myself in order to get real results. and pretty sure it will well worth all the time and effort later. Because I just can’t let negative patterns dictating my life and relationship and ruin it again.
Thanks for all the work you do 🙂 Really appreciate it!
Hi Indira,
You are very welcome.
Fabbo you are committed to unearthing and releasing your painful beliefs.
It is very true Indira, that if we take the time out to heal where it is all really going on (within ourselves) – the results set us up for a completely different and healthier life experience than we ever had access to before.
That is what evolving ourselves is truly about – SO worth it!
Great job! 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
I am just getting out of a narc marriage. He cheated bigtime. Mom in law & husband are narcs. I came across your site in august 2012. It helped me see him for he really is. Since then I have changed the way I veiw myself. I am leaving him for sure. already moved out 98% of my belongings. I still need to share accomodation with him for a week more untill I get everything sorted out. Thing is he just doesnt seem to get it into this thick skull that i am leaving him. He keeps begging for a last chance. several last chances later, no change.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, there is someone else intersted in me, & I can’t help wonder if he is a narc too. I am afraid. He hasnt really displayed any of the traits, but i keep thinking to myself its gonna show up soon. He is from a culture very different than mine. & what could very well be a cultural trait could be misintepreted by me as a narc trait. Its getting in the way of me enjoying this relationship. Hiw do I handle this fear?
Hi Linda,
Truly there is a huge danger in getting involved in new relationships before healing.
We all live in an energetic Universe, and this means that we are always attracting our own energetic frequency – point blank.
If we have work to do on ourselves we can’t attract someone who is going to fix our wounds…we can only attract someone who is going to trigger and bring up our wounds.
I would state to this man, that you are not ready for a relationship. He can be a friend for now, and you need to dedicate time and healing to yourself.
If he is the right man he will respect that and wait.
You are not ready for an intimate relationship right now – not by a long shot.
Wanting to be rescued (even subconsciously) is not a healthy decision. We all want a partner not a parent, and to generate relationship at that level we need to be a healthy adult.
Mel xo
p.s. just read Indira’s post. Pretty much what I have been through too.
Yes, I was a fixer and a healer and for all of my efforts all I got was blame, accusations and getting my reputation destroyed in my community.
Now I’m at peace, I don’t have to “fix” anybody. I’m perfectly fine that the narc lives her life and I live mine. 22 years of marital misery has now ending and life is WONDERFUL!
Melanie keep up the great writing, angels are guiding you.
HI Stephen,
how fabulous that you have liberated yourself from this!
Thank you for your lovely post – I know they are, and I love listening to my angels!
Mel xo
Hi Mel-
I read Jane’s comment and your response to it and it made me wonder if using Module 8 will be helpful for me as well even though this is a FOO issue.
My sister who is extremely narcissistic is the executor of my father’s will. My father died in April and my sister has texted and called me a couple times since then, telling me she was sending a check, only to never actually do it.
I am NC with her now. Not about this, but because the abuse she was dishing out and the lack of her responsibility in our dysfunction was no longer OK with me to continue pretending as if we were not in a toxic relationship.
In fact I am NC with my entire family now as I was the punching bag who has had enough.
I’ve accepted that our relationship is not what I had continued to attempt to make it, as I continually was hitting my head against the wall so to speak.
However, I am torn on whether to simply let go of the inheritance or to actually try to get it.
I don’t have the money to hire any lawyers to help me. And I have very little information. I know she had an accountant helping her (not a lawyer) but I don’t know who.
And it’s not about the money per se, although I could certainly use it. It’s more about having her come through and do her duty as an executor and have my father’s wishes carried out. Plus my wish for her to carry out for once something she promised to do.
I have a strong feeling she is stalling to find a way to not distribute rightfully my share.
It makes me angry that she is yet again pulling this kind of thing (promising something and not delivering) but at the same time I know that if I just let it go I will be more at peace. If I could just stop thinking about how wrong it really is for her to be playing this game.
Yet, I’ve done a lot of that keeping the peace sort of thing so I’m confused as to whether going after what I want is the right thing for me or letting go is.
Anyway, I guess my main question is whether Module 8 will help with this issue as well?
Thanks Mel.
Hi Luann,
Have you put your sister into the Healing Modules with NARP?
It seems there would be a really big clean out of abuse programs with her.
I really, really feel that Module 4 and 5 are incredibly relevant regarding her as well as 8.
When you get those charges down you will KNOW what to do.
We have no access to ‘right decision’ when we are in the chemicals of pain and injustice – or to any synchronicities in life that fall in our favour.
When you shift those chemicals up and out of your body then the space will open up with your answer.
Work hard through NARP on her with any Module that you have relevance with..
That’s the path to take.
Mel xo
Seems to me there are some gross over generalizations in your article here. Why is it so trendy these days to blame people for all their bad encounters with others?
Anyone who has done any research knows that narcs look like everyone else until you get to know them or hang around them enough. I’m a good listener and like you said have a lot of integrity, maybe that’s why I attract nuts a lot of the time. But, as soon as I realize they’re nuts, I get out of the relationship immediately.
I think you ought to clarify the difference between a narcissistic co-dependent and an empath in the empath-sociopath-apath triangle. It’s really not fair or realistic to classify all empaths as co-dependents who got what they had coming to them because of their “negative energy.”
Hi Anna, Melanie shares in this article the common beliefs she discovered among people/her clients, who have already been narcissistically abused. I had some of these, some more, some less. It is spot on that belief systems made me a n-victim. While an overview article might have to generalize, it is up to the individual to take from it what is meaningful to them and leave the rest. I hope the same for you.
Hi Anna,
Self-realisation has become very ‘trendy’ because people are starting to realise that their true power centre comes through taking radical personal responsibility.
This is how people get to see massive changes to their disappointing life patterns is a very short amount of time.
Self-realisation and empowered inner changes are not shaming and blaming ourselves. It is the relaisation that we have no control over conditions outside of ourselves, and all power over our life is born from the inner condition between us and ourselves.
There are definetely empaths with great boundary function – that is not the empath I am describing in this article.
I myself, certainly was not a functional healthy empath.
That is great that you say ‘no’ when the ‘nut’ you have attracted is exposed.
The next step is to not be an attraction energetically to ‘nuts’.
That takes deeper self-reflection to work out what it is about you that is that attraction point, and why you keep playing out that pattern.
Then you will have the power to evolve that part of yourself and change that frustrating pattern.
There are many people on the planet that don’t continually attract ‘nuts’.
Coincidence?
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
thank you for the wonderful and insightful article. Prior to discovering your website last month I was in a pretty dark place. Your profound insight and articulation on narcissistic abuse has resonated deeply with me, and really “hit home”. I now have a better understanding of why I always tried to be a “fixer” and a “healer” and always sought relationships with non-supportive and emotionally unavailable people. After a three year plus relationship with a narc, I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but I’m now making progress. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and knowledge with those in need.
God Bless
D
Hi D,
you are so very welcome.
That is lovely that my work could help and that you are making progress 🙂
God bless you too D..
Mel xo
I really appreciate these articles and the work, time and honesty that you put into them, Mel.
In spite of hard work and NARPing, I still seem to circle back around to feelings of anger/resentment. I find myself mentally telling him off, and wishing for justice or even retribution at times. Yes I do realize intellectually that I am making him a Higher Power to me when I have these feelings and thoughts. Even if backed into a corner by a pack of rabid wolves, we all know a Narcissist would never admit to wrong doing or offer a genuine apology.
I’m really stuck on this particular issue of lingering anger/sense of injustice and I so want to heal and move on from this.
Any suggestions for me here?
Much appreciated
xo
Hi Deb,
I am so pleased that my material has been able to help you.
You are 100% correct this emotion is blocking your evolution. It shuts down your heart and makes you an energetic match to ‘more of’ people and situations that will co-generate with you resentment and painful emotions.
Ok – because this is reocurring despite working on yourself this means that you have a trapped emotion / belief system inside you that is not allowing you to ‘let go’ of this resentment.
There are two things I would suggest to overcome this. The first is to work diligently through the Forgiveness eBook that comes with NARP. Do the written processes, and this will start releasing your ego’s hold.
Then use Module 3, and really dig deep. Over and over if you need to in order to get your shift. If you have already done all of this diligently then some part of you is ‘blocking’ the shift.
This would mean sitting down with pad and pen. Feel into where the painful emotion of resentment is in your body…Is it in your heart, head, solar plexus?
Then ask yourself ‘How old is the part of me that is holding on to this painful emotion?’…You will find that it is a young, in the womb or pre-womb part of yourself…
Then after really listening to and trusting your body wisdom (access your answer intuitively or with muscle testing), really connect to this part of yourself and ask ‘What is this about?”..
Then really open up the answer your body’s subconscious grants you…
Really trust it without intellectual judgement.
Then you will know what it is that you need to shift, and you can pick the Module that will work best for that.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Thank you Mel, so very much. have been in such pain lately, today was miserable. I will work very hard on your suggestions!
xoxo be well
Hi Deb,
You are very welcome 🙂
The worst days are the breakdowns, letting us know if we access the shift a massive breakthrough is right on it’s heels.
As long as we don’t resist and self-avoid, and don’t go into our heads.
The necessity is to get down to the real work of ‘going inside’.
All will be great for you Deb if you stand in for yourself, because you are right on the cusp of your freedom.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
What you described in this article, including the phrasing you used, was like taking a page out of my own life. It was like you were writing specifically about me. I have been trying to figure out why my life has been so painful for so long and how to change it. Your article has really opened my eyes to the fact that I am co-dependent and continuously find myself involved in relationships with narcissists. Your article describes to the “T” my last long term relationship with a man whereby he continually lied to me over 12 years, broke my heart, and have been powerless to get over after I finally moved out several years ago. I could never understand why he did the things he did to me and our relationship. I was the parent, always trying to teach him, help him, take care of him while all along he was just feeding off my co-dependency; torturing me daily with his behaviors. I can’t wait to sign up for your newsletter and ebooks to start working on finally becoming the person I want to be; free, happy, successful and surrounded by healthy relationships! Thank you, Kimberly
my adult daughter who is 36years old has always made belittling and humiliating comments to me since she was about 4 years of age. nobody talks and acts this way to any person–especially your mom and a few others she chose to use this unspeakable abuse to. As she aged it became increasingly horrific. I had no idea what the term narcissist was. I was speechless as she would project onto me the cruel acts and words she would say and do to us. I her Mother was the victim for her rage and false accusations that she herself had said and actions she herself used. She would humiliate me in front of her friends and adults. Yet, she was one of the nicest people and thoughtful people on the face of this planet. she hated me and i could not let myself believe her devastating treatment. I was in denial for we were attached to one another. i would have gone many miles on my bare knees anything to try to make her happy. I realize now there is nothing i could say or do,to make her love me. So she lost friends along with her very best dear friend,as she treated him like a tool without any feelings. she was the director administrator and controller of there long friendship. He told her that this was as fare as the so call friendship could go. He has never spoken to her since and that
was several years ago.She was devastated by his action and had no idea as to why he could be so mean and cruel to her. she was stunned,did not have any idea of the behavior and verbal and emotional abuse she used on him. We are now parents abandoned by an adult child that i lived my life around despite her treatment. She always tried to but wedges between family members. She won! She would say or do whatever it took to destroy us. I am beside myself cannot believe she was capable of such cruelty. She used every ounce of our life including money we paid for her medical school costs which had a plan that she made with us and would make payments when she started her med practice. She could not recall making any plan like we described. and as soon as she married, she had another sucker to jump and stand at attention when she spoke. Throw us away into a toxic waste dumb and cannot feel love or empathy at all
My wonderful son and I had a close and precious relationship, until he married a brutal malignant narcissist who over the years has brainwashed him. We do not know him and they will not give any reason as to why they ended our/my close loving connection with our granddaughters. This has left me empty broken and unable to cope with life.,as abigail and kaitlyn were my life and they loved us so much and trusted us. When they started sharing things words concerns which made us even more connected. The door slammed shut without any possibility of speaking or having any further contact with them. We were judge lied about and no longer wanted. My daughter has a miracle son Noah as she was told with her condition she could never have kids, decided that we will never ever see him
talk with him or share in his precious life. I am beyond dead. my life is an empty shell.
due to lies false ugly statements that do not and will never have any understanding of what on earth has taken place. It is beyond the impossible as we had a close loving supportive family with dysfunction issues but this has left us confused knowing we do not exist to them and will never matter either. I cannot deal with the fact that they do not live in reality–I knew my son and daughter, I loved them deep within my heart and soul unconditionally. Never ever giving a thought to what has taken place. This action was a sure 100% IMPOSSIBILITY!!!!! I will never say never again. I pray we will be able to go on with our lives as we face many serious illnesses! My husband condition has only grown worse due to the never ending stress and loss. There is no end to our grief. Please pray for my family my reason for having value and love that is necessary to breath and know we do matter. We do exist.
We will never give up,for parents do not ever give up. We will love our small but precious family, even when we draw our last breath of life.. I am to thankful for many blessing and miracles the Lord has provided to me and my family. The greatest is having a relationship with the Lord and we are born again Christians for without Jesus in my life, i could not have hung on!!!.Praise God for His Love for us all. Love is the most important gift of all–May all LOVE one another as the Lord has always loved us. Ben and Sheila
I understand getting well & attracting healthy people is the goal. But if we attract others who feel the same about themselves as we feel about ourselves, then why didn’t we attract co-dependents like ourselves instead of narcissist (aka: codependents who sold their soul)?
Hi Luanne,
because no-one helps us wake up faster that an narcissist.
We probably did quite a few co-deps before N’s … as certain life players and the pain was nowhere near enough to wake up.
The soul knows what is necessary perfectly.
If we miss the sign posts the billboard must drop on us. Often there is no other way.
Mel xo
I believe in reincarnation & that we choose our lives & our experiences before we become human in order to learn something or help another on their journey to learn something. What do you think are some of the possibilities so many of us would want to be born children of unconscious parents who make us into unconscious adults?
Hello Melanie – Wonderful clarity and most helpful as leverage out of the muddy depths of confusion and flailing helplessness that I realize now is a characteristic outcome of narcissistic mind control. I have a question about morality. I think I know the answer you’ll give me but it’s an interesting question. I have left my narc and am happily cozied up in my safe haven. I see that she is now closing in on a new victim and I feel concerned for him as he is as gullible and innocent as I was before reading your work. What are the ethics around warning others about the potential for harm? I am sure this would just embroil me in once more obsessing about her malignancy and you will warn anyone in that position to stay out of it. It’s hard to stand by and do nothing to prevent another person’s life about to be wrecked. OK OK I will keep out of it – why bring more trouble my way? But I sure wish someone had warned me…
Hi Mel,
thank you for writing such a helpful article. I’m at the beginning of my NARP journey and sometimes it’s hard for me to see the actual belief beneath the pain so I find this very useful.
Can you please tell us what are the most common painful beliefs for Module 8 (fear), and for feelings of quilt and shame?
Thank you, much love <3 <3 <3
Hi Sandra,
please do know that you can simply feel the dense energy in your body – to still get a shift. And often when we clear enough trauma the “beliefs” come – yet they are not even necessary to “know” to release.
Feeling them in your body is enough.
Sandra are you in the NARP Forum getting support with your NARP work? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I can’t recommend this resource enough
Mel xo
Hello Mel I agree that there Are alot of humans with morbid believe systems,and thank goodness weve seen the light and are learning our lessons of truth,and recviving the ocean of abundance with gratitude, thank you. For letting your light shine and being a messenger of the absolute truth. Hugs and lots of love Don martin.
Hi Don,
I am so pleased this resonates with you. Thank you for your lovely words and many blessings and love to you too.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
First, all I can do inside my heart/soul is to jump and leap at discovering how the true selves were born into our parents set generational pre-programmed identities.
Awe….which is not my identity at all!
I praise God for this unveiling of truth!
I know some of us are Christians and others are not. But what you do sounds like the truth in the word of God (which most of us do not read with intention of doing). The thing is it says to “love our neighbors, as we love ourselves” & another verse says “husbands love your wife, as you love yourselves!”
Here is the key, how can we love anyone else outside ourselves if we do not know how to love ourselves period….ugh!!!
You are teaching us how we can and are divinely created to love ourselves first by replacing all these self-destructive negativity beliefs into healthy belief systems. I love how you provided tools that I can immediately adopt into my life. I want to live my true self and identity not from my ancestors or pre-programmed life :community, school or career life, I was raised in!!! I have not worked and incorporated all these tools inside my inner self yet. All I sense is freedom is close and this alone will change the entire trajectory of my life and purpose.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Finding you has been a life long search for wanting what I always long for a healthy fulfilling abundant life!
I have suffered allot of issues and now know why! I see this starts with me. My insides, inner and hidden subconscious parts of my soul.
Finally, I am beginning to have hope to see that if I do the work, one day can be ready, like you have found in yourself, a wonderful supportive loving secured partner in this grace of life! I cannot wait to meet who this person will be after I do the self partnering work!
I am in between jobs and once, I am employed again plan to invest in your NARP program! What a reward this will be.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!
Blessings & Soon to be Thriving,
Angie
Hi Angie,
I always have the deepest joy in connecting with Christians and knowing that we are so together with this and aiming for the same healing and salvation.
Blessings and such gratitude to you Angie and your beautiful post.
Mel xo
Mel xo
Hi Melanie, you might want to change the word “pooped” to “popped” !
Oh my Mel-
Not only have I felt the light and seen the light inside of me from your NARP program but I feel enlightened! I have a long way to go but I have to tell you something that just happened 5 min ago. I walked outside to check my mailbox, I just moved back into my home a few weeks ago after living with my almost narcissistic ex-husband elsewhere, and I found on my door handle a notification of my Water/Utility bill being cut off of it wasn’t paid (one of many bills he has not paid due to Narcissistic supply) and usually I would be burning inside from head to toe – luckily I caught the bill last week and paid for the 2 months due. I had to sell quite a bit of my couture shoes, jewelry and handbags just to be able to eat and get by without losing my integrity and my basic needs. That feeling of saying to myself “I got this” is because I found you and your profound wisdom that is helping me grow (lots of growing pains on day 9 I have been utterly under the weather with major depression) your program brought me out of it today, which is absolutely unbelievable. I have worked on Module 1 for over 9 days now and I feel good and can feel it coming the “Thriving Life” I once had – it will be back.. better than ever! I can’t thank you enough – you are truly doing the work of an angel! 🤗
Hi Essie,
sweetheart (fellow angel) I am so, so happy for you.
You are doing such an awesome job and please know other stuff will come up – but each time it does say to yourself “I bless and accept this and I’ve GOT THIS, because its just another trauma to release and free myself from”
Hun, that’s truly all you have to do, and then Source and Life has got you – TOTALLY!
Mel xo
Your article helps more than I think melanie.I cant explain my whole story that I have been bruised and brutalized by narsisist..my focus now is for me to heal my 30 year old would since I was a child my father used to beat me and told me.that if man loves you no one will love you…you are a witch..my brother from another mother used to rape me while I was young and I didn’t speak out…you are right that we attract narcissist bec we are empty inside we have anger,recentment we want pple to fix our life instead of us doing it…thanks melanie xo
Hello Melanie, I was looking back over the comment section and realized that you had comments dated as far back as 2013. Your advice and comments are so relevant and help thousands of people all over the world to heal and achieve their potential. You now you have reached me all the way in Mexico, and believe me, I need it. A year ago, I left my marriage of 30 years. It has been by fare the hardest and most painful year of my life but I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing. My husband still refuses to let me collect ANY of my personal belongings from our home and I have been cut off from all of our finances. I have also uncovered huge lies in our relationship which have left me absolutely bewildered and at times worried for my own security. I cannot help but wonder that if he is capable of such huge lies, then what else might he do? Fortunately I have a good lawyer and many supportive friends who all see how horrible he is behaving. I have hope that justice will be served and that the courts will eventually grant me financial support and a settlement that I can use to rebuild my life. I am also in isolation still in the midst of the pandemic and, believe me, there have been some very, very low moments but with the help of your blog, videos, and emails, I am beginning to believe that I can be happy again. You have become a lifeline for me and I want to thank you and all of your team ! I feel understood, I have hope. THANK YOU!