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Given the distress and damage narcissistic abuse causes it can be hard to believe that we have superpowers that can make them bolt the other way!

Just like vampires when you shine the light on them, they retreat into the shadows when you are not needy or empty any more. And positively flee when you stop dimming down and living in fear.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I explain in detail what the 2 superpower traits that repel narcissists are and how to activate them. It’s about time you stood in your own power and light and shut the door in this person’s face. Watch now to get on the path to your narcissist-free life today.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk to you about the superpowers that you may or may not know that you have that will make narcissists run from you, and just maybe these are the exact opposite of what you think they need to be.

So, what do your light, non-invitation, and vampires have to do with a narcissist running from you?

In today’s Thriver TV, you’re going to find out. Before we get started, I just want to remind you if you haven’t yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do, and remember to like, and share these videos and blog posts with people who you think they can help.

 

Can Narcissists Target Anyone?

Let’s look at this question … Can a narcissist target anybody?

I’m going to start off right from the get-go with the answer being NO – they can’t. And I know there are people who will tell you that they can, but they truly can’t.

Narcissists are a False Self (I’m going to explain that a little later) and they can’t take down a True Self (which I’m also going to explain) any more than a sole predator could take down the healthy, robust beast in the center of the pack, because that’s not what predators do.

Predators, including narcissists, need to exert less energy to get the feed than what the feed will offer to them quickly.

Of course, you may think that knowing everything there is to know about narcissists is going to protect you against them, but it doesn’t, because narcissists, just don’t present wearing a t-shirt saying, “Beware, I’m a narcissist.”

In fact, they’re going to show up in your life as the nicest, most charming, affable people that you could imagine, and they’re going to appeal to you in a way that appeals to you.

I can’t tell you how many people there are who’ve become research experts on narcissists, and they still get taken in or down by them, or because they fear narcissists so much, they hide away from life to try to avoid them. Of course none of this equals living the life that you really want to live.

Protecting yourself from narcissists has got nothing to do with knowing everything about a narcissist, and it has everything to do with knowing everything about yourself, such as understanding why you haven’t been able to confront and ask the pertinent questions when your gut is squirming, trying to warn you.

Why has it been hard for you to lay boundaries?

Why did we used to let people in so quickly into our life?

Why do we go along with the love bombing?

And why didn’t people teach us how to honour ourselves with healthy boundaries instead of people pleasing and trying to keep the peace and trying to avoid people getting angry with us?

Let me again say, 100% not everybody can be taken in and down by a narcissist. That’s really great news because it means that when you learn how not to be that person, you’re going to be free to live your life without the fear, pain, drama, and devastation that narcissists cause.

 

The Light That Repels Narcissists

Let’s talk about the light that repels narcissists. Where there is light there is no darkness, you know that’s a physical truth. But as a metaphor for humankind in a Quantum way, what does it mean?

I want you to think vampires, because this is the most powerful way to explain this. Vampires in the myth, were the living dead. They had to operate in the dark, in the shadows. But when they had a bright light shine on them, they were outed, because they started to shriek and they had to race back into the shadows.

People will tell you that narcissists are after your light and therefore you should dim down and try to hide and protect yourself so that you’re not targeted by a narcissist. I don’t agree with that at all. I used to believe it, but now I know and I live a completely different reality.

I really want you to think about this because I know as a member of this community you’re interested in self-development and self-awareness, and I hope, through life experience, that now as an insightful person you’ve realized that when you fear something, it continues to show up in your life.

Trauma does that – it’s a powerful, energetic e-motion trapped inside us that is “energy in motion” that attracts the actual trauma.

If we believe narcissists are everywhere, we try to identify them and we try to protect ourselves from them, and then our life is literally swarming with them. And if somebody presents in our life representing what we want and they appeal to us, we can pretty much bet, by the time that we are hooked into that person and the mask drops and the real person starts to appear, that they will be narcissistic.

It’s the manifestation of our yet unresolved fears, and that’s just how Quantum Law plays out, so within, so without.

Many years ago, I went on a piano cruise with friends on a big, beautiful ship, and I loved it, and a lovely lady in the community asked me a really interesting question. She said, “Did you run into narcissists? Because they go on these cruises.” And I said to her, “I’ve actually got no idea, I wasn’t even thinking about narcissists, I was only being myself.”

So what did I mean by this? I meant that because I’d healed my previous fears and traumas with the  Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) and Thriver Recovery, that I was fully committed to never losing myself again.

So that meant that if somebody crossed my path and it felt “off”, I would speak up. I no longer people please, and I don’t allow people into my Soul or my life on a whim or a love bomb. Because I’m self-partnered, I feel full and healthy within, and I’m not needy and empty anymore. I can’t be tempted to throw all my caution to the wind with shows of love, approval, and resources.  I get to know a person healthily over a period of time before I let them into my mind, Soul, body and home.

The great thing is I can have fun, I can be myself and be fearless because I trust myself. I found over the years that this frees me to be myself, to have fun, to shine and be honest and authentic.

The real key is I’m not scared to be myself because of no longer having the fears of CRAP, which I talk about a lot in this community, and they’re the fears of being criticized, rejected, abandoned, and punished for speaking up, for having difficult conversations.

If something feels inappropriate or off, I say something. In the old days I didn’t know boundaries, I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t know how to speak up, and I wasn’t free to back myself up. But once I’d learned all of this, after Thriver Recovery, absolutely I had a few tussles with narcissists, but I knew that I had this superpower of being much happier to lose somebody else’s approval and have them try to criticize, reject, or abandon or punish me, than ever lose my own connection and dedication to myself.

I was happy to piss people off rather than risk making myself disastrously unhappy and unsafe again by trying to keep the peace.

Then there was a massive shift in my life, it was as if the Universe, Source, Creation, my Higher Self, stopped supplying me those tests. It was pretty much as if, “Okay, you really mean it, you are going to choose yourself instead of them.”

That’s the truth, yes, I do choose myself. I won’t hide my light, I won’t live in fear. I now know that if I’m myself, with boundaries and honouring me, and if somebody tries to disrespect me as a result of that, they just outed themselves. I’m always really grateful that they showed who they really are, because then I’m certainly not going to say yes to them.

Now what I live and experience is the incredible caliber of beautiful real people, not perfect, and neither am I, but real people, including gorgeous Thrivers, such as yourself, who’ve entered my life on all levels, personally and professionally, to share authentic living with me as well.

But I want you to know it wasn’t always like this. I used to be terrified and traumatized, so much so that I couldn’t even leave my front door without meltdowns and crippling fear. So please have heart, if I could make it out of not daring to take up any space, let alone even be in the open, much less shine my light, you can get to where I am too. I really want you to have the hope that it’s possible for you to get here, it really is.

 

 

 

The Superpower of Non-invitation

Now let’s look at your next superpower, non-invitation – the power of non-invitation. There’s another awesome truth that goes with the myth of vampires, they cannot enter your home and do anything to you unless you willingly invite them in. My God, this is so powerful.

Imagine a vampire is outside your door and you’re doing all the due diligence, and that vampire can’t get through because of your due diligence –  it truly is the same with a narcissist, and I’m going to explain. First of all it’s got to start off from a place of fullness.

I love Don Miguel Ruiz’s story in The Mastery of Love about two women approached by a man with a greasy, delicious smelling pizza at their door. Now one of these ladies, she never cooked for herself and she was starving hungry. The other one did, and she had a well-stocked, nutritious kitchen.

The first lady accepted his offer of, “Free pizza every day, but you have to take me with whatever comes with this deal” and because she was so empty and needy and starving she said,  “Yes, I’m going to accept the deal.”

Whereas the second lady shut her door in his face. Why? Because she felt whole and satisfied and solid within herself. She didn’t have to accept any risky offer because of being starving – she was already providing beautifully for herself.

Think about this, none of us would buy a car because it’s shiny and sexy without ascertaining the engine history and mileage. We would not buy a home without a building inspection just because we loved the neighbourhood position.

Yet in our personal relationships we may not realize that this crucial, impactful decision is arguably more important than a car or a home purchase, because it affects everything in our life. So how do we check the mileage and the foundations? By taking our time, by not committing until we have the relevant information.

Now here it is, this is such an important understanding – real people respect this. They don’t expect to get into your bed, body, home, business deal on an emotional impulse. They expect you to ascertain them, take your time, check them out respectfully, and keep things platonic. To get to know them for some time in potential romantic relationships, or to check their business credentials and get contracts drawn up and do background checks if it’s a business deal, because that’s what sensible, healthy people do.

Narcissists hate that, it means the vampire can’t get invited in. They can’t have their way with you. You weren’t starving for a greasy pizza, you didn’t take the bait, you didn’t fall for the love bomb. You couldn’t be charmed, cajoled, threatened, guilted or wooed.

There was nothing they were offering you that you didn’t know deep inside yourself as, “I’m already capable of granting that to myself”. And, “Well, let’s see if you are the real deal over time, and if you’re not the real deal, then there is more coming my way from where you came from, I don’t have to think you’re it.”

This is an up levelled sense of plenty, and this is what you come to as a result of Thriver healing. It’s a knowing that I’m creating my life from my choices, and Source has my back and the choices I align with, Source will give me more of that. I know that when I back me and I don’t attach to false sources, like accepting the greasy pizza with dubious conditions, life is going to bring me more at my solid commitment to myself – that evidence.

I want you to know with every amount of power I can help you feel within yourself, every time you say no to someone or something that hasn’t yet qualified as sound enough to add to your life in healthy ways, this person will leave your experience and better ones will replace them.

What you choose and accept is what you continue to get. We can stop accepting narcissists, because I promise you they’re not going to hang around long enough to check them out as sound. They can’t hold up the mask long enough. They need instant gratification, they’re an empty No Self, like a vampire. They have to hit and secure narcissistic supply, like blood, quickly. And they hate being held accountable and being answerable to anything, because that’s shining the light on them.

The narcissist is going to unravel very quickly when you ask them for clarification, when you take your time and your space, when you retain your interests, your boundaries, and be fully yourself. They will try to guilt you, threaten you with abandonment, or they’ll start attacking you.

What’s going to happen is when they can’t get their way, after shrieking, they will slide back into the shadows from whence they came, to go seek a victim who is not living in the light and who is not taking their time and doing their due diligence.

When they do go back into the shadows and let go, this is going to grant you the total confirmation that you are whole within yourself.  It’s total confirmation that you have done beautifully in looking after yourself with self-value and boundaries, and it’s so exciting because you see the rubbish just took itself out.

Know this, it’s so important, people who have nothing to hide, don’t get bent out of shape, because they don’t have anything to hide. Narcissists do, they have to be able to operate in the shadows. That’s why they shriek when they’re outed.

 

In Conclusion

Please know whether or not you are potentially meeting narcissists – and they are in all walks of life – you really need to get these superpowers going, and you can.

If you’re currently dealing with one, you being your truth and light to yourself – which means retaining your life and your interests, and most importantly yourself – and not inviting them in unless you’ve checked them out sensibly over time. It also means not being afraid of them trying to turn on you, because you’ll be like, “Okay, well, so what? Thank you for showing me who you are, I was right.” This is the incredibly powerful defense against them, with the added bonus, and I love this part, you get to be free and have an incredible life as yourself.

If you are tangled up with a narcissist, the detangling is about healing your dependencies on them. Think about the woman who wasn’t cooking for herself and took the greasy pizza offer, so that you can know, develop, and be dedicated to being the person with well-stocked inner resources where you can take care of you and say no more of this shonky deal, and finally shut the door in this person’s face.

If you need help getting there, with the exact 10 step processes that I used, check out NARP – the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program,

So I really hope that this has made sense  to you, and struck a deep chord.

Join My FREE 16-Day Recovery Course to Begin
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

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39 thoughts on “Narcissists Run From People With These 2 Traits

  1. Melanie — Aloha … Just read your intro email & your sharing abt NARP & abt outing vampires/them outing selves. Appreciated your sharing and yes, can validate the proof of it as I have come, after way too many years, to having recognized the narcissist I am married to AND to be taking the steps to continue both being more and being more for me.
    So question is how can I/anyone THRIVE while living each day w/a narcissist — it is Not so simple as just “walk away” because there are no living relatives & attempts have shown that none of our friends will be there for me because I’ve done such a fine job holding up the illusion of “us”. How does a 70-something get to be fully herself and again engaged with others??

    1. Gotta tell you I’m 70 – with narc relatives who I’ve let go of. I had to let go – and I think you can do that emotionally without doing it physically (although that might be harder). Lo and behold while I was very weak and needy, I attracted another N friend and it’s been very painful the last couple years. I realized that I do not enjoy her like I did in the beginning, that she became very critical and selfish too! When the love bombing ended, I got to hear how she was love bombing a new friend! I was dependent financially and emotionally – but found a senior apartment that I can afford on my own – and now I’m starting over. I feel strong though. I got tight with God and I’m getting tighter. I do not need anyone who God does not put in my life and approve of. Reading Melanie’s newsletters and FB page has helped me a lot! Happy Healing!

  2. Dear Melanie!
    The irony that I face with the narcissist is that she keeps coming back and asking me for help or advice, etc.! (BTW she was here today at the marital property!!!) 😱 it’s becoming a real drag!
    It’s very clear that as she is doing this with me she’s doing the same with the sycophants that she has surrounded herself with…the truth is that these unfortunate enablers of hers sometimes cannot satisfy her wants and needs. So, I get phone calls or requests to help her with some crazy thing or another.
    This peculiar situation has been challenging and a pain in the ass… Thankfully, WITH THE HELP OF NARP, I’m getting to the place within that is stronger and even resilient…thankfully I’m actually learning how to manage this real life dilemma much better than I did in the past, which means I have better balance and poise more often than not….
    You are so right! The people that she has surrounded herself are dark souls and are certainly not living in the light yet she keeps coming back to me. Perhaps it’s because she’s used to doing that or knows that I will try to be in most situations accommodating. I usually try to be somewhat accommodating, but I have learned, in NARP not to give her my essence anymore. NO MORE!!!!
    That approach is making a difference and I find that I don’t get as upset as I once did. I do believe that at some point she will realize that I am not there to be used and abused anymore and that what I have left to give her are the same crummy stale breadcrumbs that she once parceled out to me. I know that she won’t like that!
    However, it’s not a question of whether she will like it or not! It’s a question of how much do I want to do to protect myself so that I can continue on my path towards my growth spiritually on this earth without this greedy narcissist taking away my precious energy with her selfishness and inconsiderate behavior.
    You are right! It’s about boundaries! In my situation I’m establishing boundaries with some necessary flexibility because I still have property settlements and financial settlements and other BS to finish with her. I need to make sure that I don’t lose everything which she wants, anyway, everything, including, probably still, my soul…that simply means I need to be graciously accommodating at certain times which I don’t like to do….
    Even after a very cruel discard and brutal abandonment, I still find it astounding that she continues to do the things that she is doing and that people actually behave like this…. However, after listening to you for a number of years now, I really shouldn’t be amazed or astounded or surprised!
    Today’s article of yours gives me a tremendous amount of insight into my particular situation with wonderful advice about what is NECESSARY for me to continue DOING for ME, not anymore for her.
    I pray for the day when this dark creature goes back into the shadows completely and I never have to deal with her ever ever ever again! That day is coming! 🙏
    Thanks to NARP and your teacings I believe I will continue to grow sufficiently within and come through this nightmare a better human being and that it won’t matter anymore what the hell she does or doesn’t do…. and that blessed day will BE!!!!
    Once again, thank you so much Melanie! You have helped me so much and I am really thankful! Lots of and much love! ❤️🦋❤️

    1. Hi Peter,

      this was timely for you!

      The more you allow, the more they take, and also it delays you getting free.

      When there is no more to get, that is when they let go.

      I know it’s scary and confronting, but taking all your energy back will likely be the only way to delay the drag-out indefinitely.

      Sending you power and purpose.

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

      1. Hi Fay,
        I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to consistently say no! I’ve been able to at certain times but sometimes I say yes or okay and end up feeling awful afterwards with a terrible feeling that I’ve betrayed my best friend, Little Peter or at least my principles that I’ve tried to live most of my life on this earth….. and, quite frankly, telling her, the narcissist, NO, doesn’t seem to matter as she will continue using my weaknesses to her advantage…..and that sucks….
        I keep trying to balance everything out but with her there is no balance because it’s only a one-way street.
        There is a part of me that “thinks” when I accommodate her that things will be better or that I am doing the right thing. More so during this period of time when I’m trying to settle my marital affairs because I am so fearful of her and what she might or could do even though I try to tell myself I don’t fear what she might think or might do.
        That certainly is not a healthy place for me to be but I acknowledge that at this point I am there at THAT place too often….
        It was the same for me when I went through periods of bullying and sexual abuse when I was younger and I didn’t know how to say no or fight back against these types of horrible predators. I know and understand the narcissist is a predator of a different type but…..damn, it’s so hard sometimes……
        The problem is, and you are right, that I really need to say affirmatively “no more” and say it with conviction and mean it!
        I appreciate your forthrightness and always have! I tried my best to answer your question with honesty and in the best way I could. Thank you so much for chiming in here! 💞

      2. Thank you Melanie for your kindness and good heart and always consistent guidance and healing and helpful words!
        ❤️🦋❤️

        1. Dear Peter
          You do not have to answer to me!!…..YOURSELF is who you are hurting
          The narcissist is having a wonderful time with you,!…..just keep feeding her supply,after supply, …Wow,no wonder she is still sucking your energy, …

          Stand up Man ! You are the one that needs all that energy.
          Just practise this:
          1. I am Loveable
          2. I can cope
          3. I am ENOUGH ……even if your dont feel it,……just keep saying it to yourself…………❤️ “LOVE IS A ” PRINCIPLE.!!…….,not a feeling

          KEEP saying these to your Good Self………. Keep feeding yourself and you will be successful .
          Going over and over the same ol same old story ,is getting you know where!!🤔

          Feel the FEAR,,but do it anyway!!

          We all have fear from time to time .., BIG TIME,!!….. nothing ventured” is nothing gained !!!
          Keeping moving forward and upward Peter .

          YOU CAN DO IT 🙋🙋🙋🙅

      1. Hi Fay!
        Oops! I think I sent my comment to you to the wrong place but it should be here somewhere! 🥺

  3. Dear Melanie,

    Healing traumas and self-sourcing by individuating with strong boundaries absolutely is the light force field illuminating the darkness of the deep empty void that is the narcissist. There is a body but it’s empty constantly in search of its next meal forever insatiable. I lived a life of narcissistic abuse with profound complex ptsd until the last abuser crushed me. I had to stay crushed, die or shine the light inside myself to heal root trauma. I followed to where the cord of abusers attached discovering my first experience was following my birth. He was a handsome charming alcoholic narcissist. He was my father and first male love. After my mother died when I was 5 1/2 I was adopted by yet another what I now realize was a sadistic narcissistic bully and his wife who in looking back displayed strong narcissistic qualities probably related to her own childhood trauma and choice of mate worsening her symptoms. This familiar pattern was all I chose until the last narcissist as I mentioned crushed me. I realize all the narcissists were messengers pointing me to my early traumatic years. I tried healing and fixing them to pour my light into them hoping to heal them so I could finally have the love I never received. But that isn’t possible. I am the one who needed my love and energy. So, bravely I went deep inside shining that light into my own interior dark spaces and healed my trauma developing strong boundaries and getting back in balance from codependency which had me searching beyond self for what needed to come from inside of me. I had to release everyone in order to reclaim my own identity through love, truth and light. I speak truth to all whom I encounter with compassion. No longer am I starving for “pizza” when I have a full endless banquet inside of wholesome nourishment. It’s ill advised to go grocery shopping when starving as one will be prone to impulsively picking up junk food items not on the list. Eat first and one is less likely to pick up junk. This follows with choosing partners or friends. If we are connected to self through source ( universe, God as we understand, higher power ) then we no longer are supply for the soul vampires who have an endless thirst for blood attaching to us siphoning our light and depositing their darkness into us and then hating us for it. This as usual is a timely article in my journey of wholeness to finally at age 68 having hope to find love that is authentic instead of an illusion dawning a mask. Keep shiny your radiant light into a world desperate for light. ❤️🌹

        1. Hi Rosemarie,

          at this stage myself and the team have not planned another.

          We are not sure whether it will be later in the year or early next year.

          I hope that this can help

          Mel 🙏💞🦋

  4. Dear Pamela,
    As Mel often says, you have to be willing to lose EVERYTHING to GAIN EVERYTHING! But I’ll leave it to her to explain it in detail for you. Best wishes for your escape, recovery and ultimately THRIVING!!!

  5. Hmmm, Married to one. Divorced and tho I thought i knew a Narc when I experienced one I lost another 4 years. Ugh !! This guy came as a handy man love bombed with flowers on every occasion gave me sub-par help & I was just estatic to have any help at all. (Obviously we all know as a woman with your own biz and a home & upkeep is a a lot!!) But so much time passed and I was being gaslighted. I literally have replaced at least 6 scrapers and tape measures and Lululemon work out clothes to the point where it was driving me insane!! How could we possibly make love and he steal the most minute item on his way out the door the next morning. Finally I have come to grips with it. Even though he lies to my face and will take a polygraph I can’t do it anymore!! Now that he’s out of my life i’m discovering literally 100’s of my things gone. It’s crushing to think anyone, a grown man would abuse me this way. So I am trying to come back. After covid i have isolated so long it’s hard. He came to my house all the time. So getting back out. Finding myself again is just like climbing Mt Everest ! I definitely need guidance. I am a born again Christian and so my faith and Jesus has got me through the horrific divorce where i got scammed out of 100k. Now this. I’m 62, I’m attractive for my age last 2 years i’ve been eating the greasy pizzas, so to speak. I’ve prob gained 15 lbs and don’t work out anymore. I’ve worked out hard since i was 30z I’m left in a rut, the cortisol has been pumping a long time. Melanie help me to get where i was 10 years ago. I was confident successful & had a social life. Love!

    1. Hi Lori,

      I had never known this was a thing with narcs either. It would never have occurred to me. We grow up thinking we are what men are after but my ex narc stole things while I was in the shower. It is painful to discover the missing items. I try to be glad that now he is gone!!! It is painful but please know that you are not alone!! I am sure if we had this happen to us that many others have to. Xo.

    2. Hi Lori,

      you have been so honest and authentic here and this is powerful!My heart goes out to you, and please take heart … please know it is more than possible at any age to take your power and soul back.

      The most effective way for you to do this and how I can help you the most is the NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      This is what can turn this around for you as it has our beautiful NARPers within this community. You also have access to the incredible support and healing coaching with NARP to get you there!

      I hope this helps …

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  6. Thanks Mel,
    Is there a course that teaches us all these type of things not just in intimate relationships? I’ve enrolled into the dating boot camp & was wondering if you could teach us your secrets for the other relationships/difficult life situations too?

  7. Just a few weeks ago, a female security guard handed me her phone number and Facebook page. She was cute and I thought I’d get to know her.

    The first time I saw her she told me it was love at first sight and she was love bombing me. She already has 4 kids and by the end of 5 days of her having lunch in my home and seeing me for an hour after work, she told me she wants to have my baby.

    I told her this is too fast and there is “something wrong here”. “We don’t even know each other yet”.

    I was noticing some red flags, she was already trying to isolate me from a good friend. She avoided all conversations with emotional content except for the love bombing other than her live in boyfriend and father of her 4 kids abandoned them all.

    Next morning I broke up with her, telling her this is crazy to have her baby and only know each other for 5 days. She begged me to say, that I didn’t have to have her baby. I told her that doesn’t matter, whatever is below the surface that made her make this offer was the real problem and I don’t think I want to have to deal with that for the rest of my days.

    She begged and begged not to break up. But I am not 100% sure she is a narcissist but she is clearly showing the above traits. Hasta la vista baby.

  8. Dear Friends,

    I’m surprised that there are other’s that are over 60 and have been married to a Narcissist for so long! I really thought I was unique. It’s taken me 35 years to figure out that I was married to a Narcissist. And, I realize that I was married for 10 years to one before this one.
    I’m living my dream on 10 acres in nature. But, there’s one problem, every few weeks there’s ‘an event’. Melanie talks about the cycle … Thank you Melanie, I will probably be in the program …. one day … hopefully soon.

    1. Hi Maria-Lena,

      please know you are not alone. There are many NARP members who have been married for decades.

      Sending you love and healing, and we will love to have you in our wonderful community!

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

    2. Dear Maria-Lena,
      I am 69 and have been married to three narcs so you are not alone. I’m in the NARP program and getting so much out of it. I have created my own life and take one day at a time building myself up and shining the light on me. I have invested the rest of my life into Me and getting stronger and happier. Best of luck to you. I pray for everyone in NARP. Thank you so much Melanie.:-)

      1. Hi Marg,

        please know how welcome you are!

        I love that NARP has helped you so much.

        Big kudos to you to committing to your inner being and reaping the rewards, and thank you for being a part of our wonderful community.

        Much Love to you

        Mel 🙏💞🦋

  9. Excellent article as always Mel, thank you. I have been “thiisssss close” to leaving twice now. Had the place rented the last time. And then fear, self doubt, everything crept in and I froze. But I know it was one step closer than I got before. Now I’m disengaged emotionally and starting to do my own things, including catching the narc in yet another constant complaining cycle that drags me down. Whenever I’m happy and feeling upbeat and positive is when his narc negative nelly comes out. It’s like he hates seeing me anything but emotionally dragged down and exhausted.
    I know my future with him, because I’d already left a 20 year marriage before this one, and with kids in tow. This time it’s just me. I struggle with beating myself up about not having left already, about how strong I was before and how I freeze and doubt myself. And now I’m learning to love myself better. I think it’s really my fear of being alone, of missing out and of having nobody for company, if that makes sense?
    So I’m afraid of my future without him. Crazy, I know. I’m a funny, thoughtful, deep person who’s attractive and has lots to offer. I am also an introvert, and maybe that’s what will eventually get me out and stay out of narc relationships in the future. I love alone time, I’m just afraid of being alone forever I guess.
    My family tolerates him for my sake, I know this because the last fight and almost flight they told me. He’s an albatross keeping me from living fully in my own skin. I know this too, but still I’m afraid to leap and fully rely on myself. But I am getting there. XO

    1. Hi Michelle,

      please don’t beat yourslf up.

      Everything that you are feeling is soooooo normal, there is such a fear of the unknown and leaving behind what we thought was our life.

      We find in the healing process that it is this security and “how can I survive” fears that can be huge hooks in N-abuse that stop people from leaving, and if they do may keep them returning.

      Have you thought about my NARP Program before http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ? It is how myself and others were able to “shift” past these fears and be solid, courageous and self-generative on the inside, which then led to support and “wins” in our lives to help, coming from “the outside”.

      I hope that this makes sense and can give you a more powerful boost forward.

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

      1. Michelle…❤️❤️you are so nornmal………..

        I Love what Mel wrote to you xx

        It is scary but you will get there….THIS TOO WILL PASS………

        From strength to STRENGTH … xx

  10. Lovely comments, thank you all for sharing. And Ofcourse, pertinent topic once again Melanie. I am a NARP member and this is where I learned to turn within to counter these narcissistic attacks. I just got to a level in which narcissists were coming at me from all areas of my life- I was the perfect supply (hardworking, apologetic, giving, clueless that I had a right to say NO!) not to mention I was resilient, taking the abuse and then bouncing back with ease.
    It took me getting completely devastated to turn to NARP- the smear campaign was so bad I had people wishing me to die, people I didn’t even know. Recently I got a lease agreement. In this lease they said they were not responsible for fumes or toxins that would flow into the apartment. They also demanded in the lease that if one died then they (the apartment complex) would receive at least 2 years worth of rent. The contract felt very narcissistic and controlling. Even if I had no home or lived in a tent, at least I wouldn’t have to slowly die from fumes coming into my living space. So I SAID NO!!! I guess this is what it means to be willing to lose it all to get it all. The prospect of being homeless seemed safer than accepting that contract with a narcissist.
    So ladies and gents, even when your options seem bleak, I agree whole heartedly with Melanie’s superpower #2- Non invitation. I now have a bunch of new properties to view and I have no doubt that I will receive a place to live free of toxic fumes.
    Sending love and light!!! Take care thrivers 🙂

  11. This was very interesting. The other day I realized that almost all of my long-time “friends” were really narcissists and not truly giving people. Sad to be in my 70s and realize trail of “users” in my life. Worst of all is my God Daughter and her Mother. Never once contacted me in all these years to see if I was OK or even alive. Only contact through Facebook was acceptable. My family seems to be that way too. Of course, all us siblings were raised by a dominating narcissist, so what can you expect. However, I am grateful to my one true friend who actually calls just to say hello, and I do the same for her. Funny story, we met about 15 yrs. ago through her narcissistic ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend. We dumped the men, and remain good friends. And yes the relationship did grow and deepen over time. She has taught me what a friend really is.

  12. My relationship with my partner is abusive.
    My next door neighbours, an elderly female and her teenage grandson are malignant narcissists, they lurk near my home and gain sadistic pleasure from listening to the abuse I suffer. They creep in the shadows, outside in all weathers and do seem like vampires creeping around in the dark.
    I never knew of the sadistic aspect of narcissism. There’s an eager sexual excited energy emitting from them and their behaviour is disturbing. It’s obviously traumatic to be assaulted and their voyeuristic interest magnifies the trauma.

  13. Hi Michelle,
    I too have been plagued by crippling self doubt and fear. I recently just left my narc husband with 2 kids. It is scary but I find everyday I experience miracles! My life is so much more fuller after leaving him, but I have not yet discovered my true self fully. I have found that working on myself and not focusing on him- life offers me what I need. When I don’t life follows a path I do not like.
    Taking that deep dive into why we attracted someone who loves to see us “dimmed and exhausted” is a necessary step. Am I proud I am here? Absolutely, do I have deep shame for staying for 23 years-yes! But I try to get up and face it for what it is. The key is self love ❤
    You will get there! Believe in yourself and honor your needs.
    Sending you much love and good vibes your way💖

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