There are narcissists in the world – it’s a fact – an unavoidable and unfortunate fact.
Good and bad people exist, and the bad people can be friends, potential lovers, spiritual people, therapists, bosses, neighbours or anyone at all.
But you need to lose your fear and your hatred of narcissists because if you’ve still got really strong emotional charges and you remain in resentment and dread, then you can still be targeted by them. They are pros at sensing that fear in people.
I lived in terror for too many years until I turned it around and stepped into my power.
Today’s video is all about transcending past that scared feeling to standing like a true warrior so no one can mine you, take you down and strip you of your resources again.
Video Transcript
In today’s episode, I really want to help you become a warrior that is impervious to narcissists. So we’re going to talk about the following points that yes, there are narcissists in the world and accepting this as a fact. Then, why and how narcissists may show up in your life, and after that, we’re going to check out how to be a warrior who navigates your life regardless of narcissists.
Before we get started, I just want to say thank you so much for your support to the Thriver Mission. I love that I can help you heal for real from narcissistic abuse and that you also pass my information on to other people. Just before we get started, remember to hit the subscribe button if you haven’t already, and like this video if you find it helpful.
Narcissists Exist
Let’s get going with my first point today, which is narcissists exist. Good and bad people exist, and I really want you to get past this belief, “If I’m healed, a narcissist won’t come into my life,” or you know when you write in to me and you’ll say … or my team, or you’ll say things like, “Well, why am I still attracting narcissists? Why are they still showing up in my life?”
Yes, they are there. They exist in all walks of life. They can be friends. They could be potential lovers. They could be spiritual people. They could be therapists. They could be people that look after your children. They can be literally anywhere, and I am not telling you that to scare you. I’m telling you that to get real.
So the real question is, is not who other people are because other people can be anything. They can be good. They could be bad. They could be anything in between. Taking your power back is working out who you are and how you’re going to show up in life. It’s not about who other people are around. This is about your power within you. Okay, and I’m going to get to that. I’m going to explain that as we go through this video.
How And Why Narcissists Show Up
The second point is how and why narcissists show up?
So how a narcissist shows up in your life is going to be – somebody in your life that if they target you and they want to connect to you, they’re probably going to be charming. They’re probably going to be very interesting. They’re going to be somebody who can provide for you something that you’re looking for.
The four major things are: love, approval, survival, and security, or it could be that this person shows up and offers you fun, or interesting pastimes, or whatever it is.
Of course, this could be a potential intimate partner. It could be a friendship. It could be a boss. It could be a colleague. It could be a neighbour. It could be a therapist.
It could be anywhere at all, and the thing is you may feel like, “Well, oh gosh, because they’re everywhere, and this person could show up in my life, and it could be a narcissist that … I’ve got a hide out, that I’ve got to look outside of myself. I’ve got to try, and listen, and check out who this person is, and try and pick up on the warning signs of a narcissist.”
It’s not about that because I’m going to explain to you what it is, what it really is, and my next point. But before I get to that, I really want to help you understand that this is not about fully focusing on them and trying to work out who they are.
You need to understand why is a narcissist showing up in my life. They’re actually the grist for our own personal development. This is what this is about. If we’ve got gaps where we’re looking outside of ourselves for love, approval, survival, and security, and we’re not backing ourselves up with being authentic, or having a good boundary function, or getting beyond the fear of annoying people or people turning away from us or not liking us because we’re being ourselves, that’s the development.
We have to learn to face things as adults and confront things.
Narcissists show up, of course, it looks like on the surface, to mine you, take you down, and strip you of your resources.
But at a soul level, they’re showing up to develop you, to get you to be a free, healthy, empowered person who can navigate and create your life for real – safely, powerfully, successfully, regardless of narcissists.
This is not about, “I’ve just got to clean all of my Inner Being, and I’m just going to be love and light. The more spiritually I develop, a narcissist won’t even come into my life.”
Look, there’s an aspect of that 100%, but really, you need to be a functioning adult in your body showing up, knowing how to take care of yourself and navigate your life healthily. That’s really what it is.
Being A Warrior In A World Of Narcissism
We’re going to talk about being a warrior in a world of narcissism. I’m just going to put it out there. It is absolute fallacy that a narcissist can take anyone in and take anybody down. That is not true.
It’s not true because when you are in your body being authentic and you lose your fear of showing up honestly and powerfully, a narcissist will run in the other direction because they know they can’t manipulate you, mine you, and strip you of your energy and your resources.
So really, the most important thing that I need to tell everybody in this community is you need to lose your fear and your hatred of narcissists because if you’ve still got really strong emotional charges and you’re still in resentment and fear of them, you think you’re saying no to a narcissist coming into your life.
You’re actually saying a big, fat, whopping YES because whatever you are vibrating inside of you, for good or for bad, is exactly the emotional magnet that is going to bring more of that into your life.
You have to do the inner cleansing work because this isn’t about being angry and resentful, and thinking you’re going to push them away. No, it means you’re going to bring them in.
Your mind is going to hook you up with the exact match for where you’re vibrating at inside of yourself, and all that worry and looking out for narcissists is actually going to mean you’re going to keep going through the same patterns and lessons over and over again.
So what is this about? This is about accepting that narcissists exist. I accepted that long ago. I could run into a narcissist tomorrow, and I have no fear of that because I took on the mission of my development, my inner development to be powerfully myself.
Of course, it was scary. Of course, it was confrontational. Of course, it’s uncomfortable. Boundaries and fears of confrontation, all of that is uncomfortable inner work, but it’s so necessary if you struggle with confrontation, and speaking up, and knowing what your values, your needs, and your limits are.
So I really want you to share. If you’ve struggled with confrontation or you know you still do when you think about it, please let me know in the comments below because it is such a common thing.
Getting past the fears of, I call it CRAP – criticism, rejection, abandonment, or punishment – for being yourself. For us, it’s not about getting bent out of shape. If you lay a boundary, you ask a question, or you need to do a deal in writing, or you say to somebody, “I’m not ready to sleep with you yet. I don’t do that. I want to get to know somebody first.”
If they criticize, reject, abandon, or punish you, good, that took the rubbish out. They showed you who they were. They’re not a match for you. Rather than being scared of that, it’s so much about, “Thank you for showing me that you’re not for me.”
Whether it’s a friendship, or whether it is a boss, or whoever it is in your life, or an intimate partner, don’t just connect with people and trust them because they’re charming or it feels good to do that. Do your due diligence. Check people out. Take your time. Know, work it out over time – be yourself.
We would not let somebody jump straight into our car, and drive it, and take it away, or just leave your front door open, and let somebody come in, and help themselves to your house. So you don’t do that with your soul, with your emotional self, your sexual self, your financial self. You take your time because that’s what a sensible healthy adult does.
Conclusion
If we’re needy, or if we’re lonely, or if we’re empty, that’s when we let these people in. So development is everything, and I really want you to know that you don’t have to do this alone.
My NARP program and the NARP community is such a Thriver tribe of people that will help you do the development that they’ve also done themselves.
I really hope that this has empowered you, and I hope it makes sense. If what I’ve shared with you today makes sense, please let me know in your comments below. I’d really love to hear from you about that.
Also, to grant you more clarity about what you’ve been through and what your development is up and out of this, I’d love to share with you the link to my free 11-point narc quiz that will grant you free access.
It will really explain to you what you’ve been going through, and it will grant you free access to my seven-day email series to help guide you to really powerfully heal. You can connect to that at the link at the top-right of this video.
So I really hope this has helped, and I’d love to hear from you.
Thank you so much🙏
This was Very helpfulI. I think that once we identify who the narcissist is (after we’ve been in a relationship ship with them and been hurt or abused and realize how toxic it is) then one of our next goals is to avoid narcissist at all costs -and as you said that’s just not possible. So great tools to incorporate.
Am I a narcissist
How do I know ???
Hi Benny,
if you google my name plus that question, there are resources of mine which can help you get clarity.
Hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Lisa,
you are very welcome!
I’m glad this resonated with you.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Totally agree! I need to take back my power, my voice and not be fearful of all the CRAP I have taken just because I am “me”.
That’s brilliant Kristin,
Bless you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Perfect Timing with this lesson for me, Melanie!!
I have been learning more about my aversion to confrontation and not speaking up for myself, etc. in your Empowered Self Course these past couple of months.
Wow, I never realized just how much I did this before!!! I used to RUN away from any confrontation.
I am a NARPer, and since joining and doing the work, I have noticed a huge change in the way I am showing up and dealing with others who push my boundary buttons and more.
Yes, it IS uncomfortable to deal with this,(good choice of words, there is no way around it) but I am determined AND it is so much better than what I used to do: obsessing over what they did, pushing back, or rolling over to get more of whatever they wanted to dish out.
I also have been feeling really HOPEFUL lately that I am truly changing for the better, maybe even becoming a warrior!!! Well, it’s early days, warrior in training:)
All Thanks to you and with the support of my dear, dear NARP Tribe in the forum- couldn’t have done it without you. xoxoxo
Hi Gen,
I’m so pleased that this was timely for you!
I love that your inner work has helped you come into your power and truth.
You are an adorable Thriver Warrior!
We love you very much
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is so empowering! It speaks to all of the deep soul work I have been doing lately to dig out of the hole this narcissistic abuse has dug for me. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom!
Hi Sara,
It’s my pleasure and that’s beautiful that you are coming into your own!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much. The healing modules have worked miracles but I know I have more work to do! When I feel like I’ve reached “okay enough,” I’ll often put off the work and procrastinate on moving to the next module. Sure enough, eventually, I’ll get a wake up call from one of the flying monkeys the Narc has turned against me with humiliating lies. I’ll feel blindsided and terrified and start fantasizing about bringing lawsuits and publishing text messages that would clear my name on social media, etc, etc. All actions that I know would bring him more satisfaction than they would me, in the long run. I’m slowly understanding that these incidents are reminders to me to continue to do the work and heal and bring more and more spaciousness and joy into my life. I’m getting close to being able to say I’m grateful for them….
Hi Cat,
you are very welcome.
I love the beautiful shift you have made from looking “out there” to doing the work “in there”.
Many continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
You are a life saver. I am trying to break free from an awful narcissist. He is awful. Treats me like garbage, blames me for everything. I dont do anything right. Thank you for your help
Hi Isabel,
I’m so pleased that I can help.
Sending you love, strength and healing breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks for all your articles. It has helped me immensely to understand and take stock of the situation I am in. This one was particularly good. Stand up to the narcissists! Thanks for making me realise that shying away from confrontation has been my biggest weakness.
Hi Anitha,
you are very welcome.
I’m so pleased that this brought powerful clarity to you.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’ve have a sister a stepfather a first husband and a second husband who were narcissist, narcissistic personality disordered people.
I have trouble saying stop this is what I need. Your video was very helpful because it is hard and it is scary to have boundaries and I have extreme fear of Confrontation that makes me physically ill , particularly with my last ex husband.
Thank you
Hi R,
you are very welcome and I really hope I can help.
Sending you love, strength and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
It’s been a year since I left a very toxic relationship with a person that was narcissistic, an alcoholic and bi-polar. I’m healing so much. I’m learning to love myself and to enjoy being on my own. I’m realizing how much of my own power I gave away. Lately I’ve been practicing setting boundaries at work and with friends and also with taking responsibility when I make a mistake. It was so scary to call my friends out on their behaviour and even scarier to hold myself accountable for my stuff. But guess what? My friends didn’t abandon me and now that I established a boundary they are more respectful of me and my time. I respect myself more than ever. And I was ready for possible rejection at the boundary setting because I was standing in my truth. I’m glad my friends truly cared and listened but I was ready to ‘lose it all to get it all.’ Thank you Mel for showing me how to do this. I feel so calm and empowered. No more drama or twisting myself into what others wanted. This is freedom. This is peace. For sure I will meet narcs in the future- they are everywhere- but I don’t have to let them in and I don’t need to fight them to prove anything to them. I can just let them be and walk away. Now THIS feels like thriving!
Hi Melissa,
I love your transition into personal power and boundaries!
You are so right – this IMPROVES relationships.
So much love to you, and I am so PROUD of you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I LOVE your acronym CRAP! I’ve been following your teachings for years. It never gets old! Setting boundaries is an art, and takes real courage when you have made others’ approval a necessity. Growing beyond that, to Self-approval, makes all the difference. Keep on keeping on, Mel. The world needs more like you, teaching how to heal and become Self-centred, which is not remotely the same as selfish.
Hi Susan,
that’s so great it doesn’t get stale!
Thank you for your encouragement!
Well done on your evolution and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is me in a nutshell and has been most of my life I have always valued others so much more than myself and I have felt lonely, needy and so empty. I now want to empower myself and learn to step out of the fears of CRAP and I have been through narcissistic abuse and have not recovered from it. I even notice in my friends that they can take advantage of me and have done in the past when expecting so much more of me than I have ever have asked of them even in times of need and then if they are kind or nice to me I go out of my own way to be over generous to them and am over grateful because I feel that someone being kind or nice to me means that I am so lucky. It’s strange by observation and I feel more grateful than most people for the smallest things in my life because I have never experienced things as others who are whole and full do but now I see it by my observation. So true when you empty you will show up and behave and act in ways that are so self damaging even with shameful feelings of being embarrassed by realising I am so underdeveloped. How do we work with the NARP on fears of CRAP as I have a lot of regret on where I have not been able to be who I really am.
So well said, clear as a bell.
Hi Annette,
it’s so great that you can be honest with you – and know that the inner work is needed to come out of those ways that you have been handing power away.
Are you on NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
If you are a Gold Member, you can ask any question that you have in the NARP Member’s Forum and the wonderful Thrivers can help guide you.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Very well said as always !
I love the CRAP acronym and the examples of letting people into you house or drive your car – so true. I also love how you phrase it that you should thank them for showing you they are not for you. How many times have I thought there’s something wrong with me and I need to change for people to like me and be accepted. I can imagine how amazing it will be to be in full power of myself. I know and admire people like that but never thought I could be full of strength because I always believed there was something wrong with me.
Hi Leanne,
How great that you can imagine this – this your True Self awaiting you.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I will venture to say that I hear you hinting that everything we are learning in our lives about narcissistic abuse and about ourselves as thrivers, with your awesome help, also applies to how we can deal from standpoints of sanity (from within ourselves). And, deal with the statewide and nationwide and worldwide narcissistic abuse masking itself strategically somewhere behind all of the political, psychological, biological, economical, environmental, technological, etc. failures — failures, that is, from the standpoint of actual human needs for meeting actual human potentials throughout national and even global history. On all levels, individual and societal and planetary. The big mill. After all, all of these world challenges have experiential and existential relationships to the individual challenges of learning, wisening, acting, strengthening and maturing inside the Earthling relationships context. It feels like the two arenas emerge together as one, out of their common denominator of the event of personal human expansion. That is, the un-self-alienating that we self-assume with self-responsibility on behalf of our own potential as meaty spiritual beings grateful to habitate and utilize this planet-in-space. In turn, these macro realities, like so many daily micro ones, urgently reflect back to us how real and essential it is to individually get solidly “self-partnered” at core. Which would probably assist our criteria for how to relate and effectually function anew, in and as societies. We must also consider that there’s not much doubt the world is in process of transforming. And, that our capacity to respond to this world arousal is gradually freed by our healing of trauma — the true-felt traumata, physically acknowledged and released in relation by our own strength. Trauma is an inner state that is wary of arousals, in its effort to preserve an internal status quo. So, where will our choices stem from. Will we seize choice aligned with our own transformation, or naively buy into something else. Will we have the physical, psychic and spiritual receptivity and resilience to progress and accurately discern through the multi-flux already in progress. I submit all this is relevant to “being a warrior in a world of narcissism”. A world in which narcissistic abuse (coming from even within ourselves) is both immediately and ultimately … grist for our mill.
You have hit the nail on the head Michman,
all narcissism, on micro and macro levels, in now surfacing for all to see.
Absolutely it is time to take responsibility and be our own authentic power and the change we wish to see.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
In addition to its “surfacing for all to see”, it can all be seen as approachable via every healing way and every healing and remastering that we personally gather. This is a point that is empowering unto itself. The “narcissistic abuser” phenomenon can be seen as a world entity mind field that can be persoanaly and socially addressed with all the self-empowerment personally and socially re-gained and newly gained. Not combatively, of course, yet via our own discerning, progressively chosen self-functioning. . . . And not with evasive humor, or course. But light-hearted, unconditionally understanding humor is okay now and then.
I just want to thank you for everything. I have lived with narcissistic parents and then a husband. At last I am beginning to feel that I am not completely crazy and I’m hoping one day the rifts that have been caused in my life with mend. You have changed my life. Thank you
Awww Jeanette,
I am so pleased that I could help.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel,
This is great yet again. Confrontation has always been a massive stumbling block for me. I’ve mostly only been able to do it when I lose my temper which is not a healthy way to go about things obviously. Recently (after divorcing) I have needed work done in my home and so have had to contact workmen. I no longer have anyone I know to help out thanks to the narcissistic ex husband/boyfriend and family members.
I took on a plumber who from the outset seemed to display narcissistic tendencies, it started to feel like a power/control game. He would leave me hanging on for days/weeks with no contact after saying he wanted the work. He would turn up unexpectedly ready to do work when it wasn’t arranged. I didn’t have the guts to tell him I wasn’t happy and I would get someone else on the job; in fact I was getting extremely stressed about it. I kept thinking “better the devil you know”, and made excuses for his weird behaviour.
Eventually I telephoned someone else who did what was expected; gave me a quote and a start date neither of which the first guy had done despite being recommended by the council. So I texted the first guy and told him I had got someone else to do the job.
He hasn’t contacted me again and I am so relieved, although he left something and I just hope he doesn’t call back for it!
But it was so hard for me to deal with this and it seems ridiculous to most people. I will beat myself up thinking I dealt with something badly because my mother would always tell me I was wrong and I’m hopeless. Other people are always right and I am always wrong. It’s so hard to get over this but I will get there with small steps (and maybe some big ones).
Thanks Mel, I always look forward to your emails.
Hi Sharron,
For sure boundaries are much more effective from a place of powerful inner surety and calm.
It’s so great that you are understanding and working towards healthy boundaries.
Many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you for your words and your work, Melanie. I have been learning from you for a couple of years, and the realizations I am having are helping me change myself to become the person I came here to be. I am so grateful for your insights about narcissism, and you are also helping thousands of others, too.
Take care,
Hi Geti,
It’s my pleasure.
Much love to you Dear One!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Excellent Melanie!!
You are declaring the TRUTH of being in Source that protects us from evil.
I see this issue as the fact that there is only ONE right answer to the question of “What is two plus two?” ANY answer other than “Four” is wrong.
So the world is full of wrong answers to the question: “How ought human beings conduct themselves with other human beings?” Nobody seems to know.
ANY answer less than ‘Love and Honor” is wrong. That’s why we detect narcissism to some degree in so many people and human relationships are not satisfying.
Since we are made in the image and likeness of the Divine Source, – if we are truly whole (ONE with Source) will treat ourselves and others as such a Being. This is joy.
Because it is not enough to just not “kill”, “defraud” and “deceive” others. Rocks don’t do that either. “Not doing” does not describe a Human Being.
Actually, we are supposed to actively, pro-actively and deliberately love one another. That means DO good to others, this is not just be neutral. ANY thing less is the wrong answer. It is falling short of a full and happy life. So to be happy, we have to connect with Source: Divine LOVE – in order to DO and BE truly and fully Human. This is the answer to how we ought to live with one another. Everyone has the responsibility to find their link to Love within.
To LOVE is to go out of your way to promote the good and welfare of others (starting with yourself) and of course that includes not hurting or harming them (or yourself) in any way or hurting property in any way. We have to start by loving and honoring LOVE Itself.
Narcissist point out what goes wrong when people do EXACTLY the opposite of LOVE in such a way that the Soul is cosmically wounded and people are mentally and emotionally confused beyond reason. It is the baffling and unreasonable pain infliction that is so devastating. The pain arises because within ALL of us, we DO KNOW our SOURCE to be ONE LOVE (God) and so Narcs wound the very conception of Life. They violate others at core: Source (which is Divine Love).
To heal for real, we do not stop at overcoming the pain with one Narc, ideally we resolve once and for all that “No less than LOVE” and “Honor” will be acceptable for us.
It is our Divine right to be seen as we really are:expressions of Source. If others do not see us or themselves as such, it is easy to detect and we do not invest hope in those relationships.
We know not to seek love and acceptance or approval from any other source than God. When we have that, we love ourselves and forgive those who do not know better.
Also, we do not stay in the burning building to put out their problems… because, their healing has to come from their connection to God first. That is up to each one to work out.
There is only one important healing (salvation) and that is to LOVE (become ONE) with Source.
In this way only can be be whole (at peace) within ourselves and with all other beings and with all creation.
Our lives become the LIGHT of this world – we have answers of peace and joy and real Love and real Health.
Here’s to NEW LIFE after Narc death!!
100% Iris,
there is only “right action” …
And LOVE is the answer.
With love, there must be TRUTH of that connection to Love which is between us and Source.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This post like so many others rings so true. It’s such a challenge to overcome the CRAP from childhood and to feel that I have the right to assert my boundaries which were non existent. I was raised to believe you have to work hard to try and receive affection, love, support and that inevitably it will be withheld and ultimately reinforce feelings of emptiness and inferiority.
Hi Shelia,
I’m so pleased that this information is turning it all around for you – so that you can take your power and your life back.
I highly suggest coming into my free workshop http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar because there I will show you that this inner work doesn’t have to be hard. It can be a very powerful, enriching and fast working journey.
Absolutely …
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much for your video. It really hit home on the wrong kind of warrior I want to take the Narcissis down and expose them for what they are To protect myself and my children It really brought to light for me that this is exactly what feed them. I just started reading your book you can thrive after narcissistic abuse.
Hi Dean,
you are very welcome.
That’s great that you have my book, and you are realizing how to break off the energy that feeds narcissists.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi
Thankyou for your video. I recently realised that I have surrounded myself with narcissistic people and totally agree that with strong boundaries you can, in fact rid yourself of this toxicity. By reinforcing my boundaries I have discovered I do not feed them anymore and I no longer have them in my life.
Hi
Thankyou for your video.
I recently realised that I have surrounded myself with narcissistic people and totally agree that with strong boundaries you can, in fact rid yourself of this toxicity. By reinforcing my boundaries I have discovered I do not feed them anymore and I no longer have them in my life and it feels good.
That’s wonderful Tina,
well done and many continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
“This is not about, “I’ve just got to clean all of my Inner Being, and I’m just going to be love and light. The more spiritually I develop, a narcissist won’t even come into my life.””
I’m sorry to say, but I think this is what you have been lecturing forever ad nauseum I feel.
After attracting 2 n’s and then do narp, eft, soul-searching, therapy and what not…and voila, 3 rd n appeared. I was like, didn’t this crap (a.k.a. healing work, heh) didn’t help at all?!
I’ve been studying law of attraction for years too and I hate to say that I don’t entirely believe this either:
“Your mind is going to hook you up with the exact match for where you’re vibrating at inside of yourself.”
I have been worried, anxious, broke, desperate, panicky, in a lack mindset…and then ended up attracting my dream work. I wasn’t “aligned” with it happening at all! But I prayed God.
Hmm, maybe the difference this time with the 3rd n is that…I don’t know. Maybe that I have more consciousness, sort of observing what is happening instead of reacting or participating what is happening. I’ve already ended/decided to end the relationship, but the guy keeps calling me (I do not answer). Trying to talk with him is pointless (he always attacks with “no, you!”- defense) and I’m overly sweet and kind person to say directly to him “do not call/talk to me again”…so I think the best thing I can do now is simply withdraw and do not answer to him. I feel I’m coward and “cold” but I’m done with trying to be polite with a person who didn’t respect me in the first place to begin with.
Dear Anna,
I don’t think we’re saying that narcissists will never come into your experience.
I think it’s just the opposite isn’t it? WHEN YOUR WORLD IS FULL OF THEM is the point of this episode.
In fact, aside from the few people who ethically and responsibly relate to others, everyone is narcissistic to some degree.
What Melanie is healing is OUR vulnerability or susceptibility to getting abused by them by systematically guiding people to loving themselves.
Melanie is helping us define TRUTH and LOVE in ways that honor our core.
Your healing depends on you loving you.
YOU loving YOU. That is the point of NARP.
She is not wrong. Her work is effective and it seems you’re already better by going NO CONTACT right away this third time.
Keep going and learn to truly love yourself and your will be free.
Hope that helps.
Hi Anna,
as Iris so explained, absolutely I’m not preaching that a narcissist will not come into your life ever again.
The most certainly can and will do – good and “bad” people are everywhere … my message is rather than you being focused on trying to pick bad people, you can be powerfully yourself with healthy boundaries, know and stick to limits and embodied values and therefore no longer be taken in by them.
There is a huge difference between that and what you thought my message is.
And, absolutely in relation to your dream job – grace can be very powerful, such as prayer.
In regard to relationships the inner development is very useful and powerful NOT to get out hearts, souls and resources smashed again.
Or literal life force nearly extinguished.
N-abuse IS that serious.
That is what my passionate message and Thriver work are all about – people NOT having to go through that ever again.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi lovely ladies!
*Absolutely I’m not preaching that a narcissist will not come into your life ever again.
This is good to know! When this one n once again appeared, I felt little panicky and frustrated. Like what MORE I still need to do and fix and heal, I want to be “done” with this already, I felt exhausted, maybe unsafe. I think at one point the healing work in itself became an obsession to me. I think everything that is done with urgency, obsessive and compulsive mindset and unhealthy perfectionism…no good!
When I now reflect…actually it could be that by now I’ve managed to do some of the healing work well enough. With the n number 2 I was an authentic mad woman 🙂 Even when the awful abuse had started, I read horoscopes and relied on all kind of weird stuff in the hope that he would return (!) back to me (after he discarded me and gave silent treatment dozen of times), I was desperate to continue the so called relationship with him, madly “in love”. My head was completely messed up, I was a total lunatic! A healthy response would of course had been to run away and not wanting to continue relationship with a dangerous abuser!
But now when I see the weird behaviour in the n number 3…I am able to detach myself pretty easily with relatively cool head. Like that’s that then and no harm done 🙂 But that took me some months though…getting to know someone. At first it was difficult to know whether he was just having a “bad day” or had “hot temper” or if I somehow understood him wrong, if I myself co-created the bad dynamics…but nope, by now he has already shown too many times red flag behaviour.
* Everyone is narcissistic to some degree.
Actually I don’t like this idea 🙁 It somehow “normalizes” the narcissism. Just exactly this type of thinking maybe kept me hooked so many years. Sometimes he was abusive, sometimes nice. Then following this same type of thought pattern I explained it away thinking that “nobody is perfect” (which I think is equal thought like “everyone is narcissistic to some degree”)…accepted him “as he is” and endured the abuse many years. That was a dangerous error in thinking!
There is nothing normal with abuse. There is no excuse for it! The most shocking thing about n’s to me is that they look like humans, even can act (indeed “act”!) like humans, but they really are not humans. At least not humane.
So either someone is 100% n, or 100% is not, that is my opinion. But I agree, many people can be…I think I’d prefer to use words like egoistic, self-centered, maybe nasty…but they are still humans.
*YOU loving YOU. That is the point of NARP.
I say this all now with gentle sense of humour. But I sort of became tired with the “love yourself” mantra. It’s a concept that felt difficult to grasp, something that sounds good in theory. I think I also needed to “re-train” myself, like how I behave. Like the n calls me, what do I do in that moment? I choose not to answer. I might someday feel lonely and in that “weak” moment I might be tempted to grab the phone and call him. Then I need to set myself a boundary, remind myself it’s a very bad idea and then distract myself. For example call a female friend, go to a yoga class, clean the house, whatever.
So I feel I need to do a little bit of “dog training” with myself 🙂 If I’d just sit on a lotus position and imagine love and light…I’m not sure if that alone is an effective method…
Friends helps so much too. They are not afraid to set the record straight. A friend said to me “this has been going on too much time with that man now. You need to stop it. Don’t you notice how anxious interacting with this man makes you feel everytime. You should not be with such people”. Friends help me to stay grounded, centered, realistic, bless them!
I realised, no wonder n’s always try to isolate the victim. Without the reality check my friends give me, I’d be much more easily manipulated…and very soon not knowing anymore “which way is up and which way is down”. Gosh, aren’t they clever, unfortunately 🙁 It’s hard to imagine that such people like n’s exist…whose goal is to cause maximum chaos, damage and unwellbeing to others. It’s just sick.
During the years I also became so immersed with all the ideas about soul contract etc. As if it’d give some beautiful explanation or even justification to the n abuse. I’m not sure do I believe that stuff any more.
I’m not going to argue what soul is, do any of us really know…but I’d like to think it’s already whole, complete, eternal, it cannot be harmed, it just “is” in wholeness. So why would it need the presence of a petty, ridiculous n to somehow “make it better”? I hope not! It’s a weird idea. I think the n abuse happened…because sh*t just happens!
In my case, logically, I think it happened also/mainly because of abusive and alcoholic childhood. I think it is because of brain chemistry and wiring…I’ve read that the brains likes/prefers what is familiar, even when it’s harmful. So I’m not sure does soul belong to this equation…
I think in childhood I formed many “trauma beliefs”, like “men are abusive, potentially abusive, I’m not sure do I deserve to be treated with respect, love is unpredictable, love is unsafe” and so on. And I’ve read the brain unfortunately also likes to “prove” it’s beliefs are true! That the opposite is actually stressful for the brain. So this has been and is my challenge, to un-learn these many things. So I think it is not only a matter of “loving myself”.
thank you for sharing …in such detail
Dear Mel …I was led to you 7 years ago but I was in so much pain then that iI could not act on anything . SO I went to the self realization fellowship of Paramahansa Yogananda and was helped spiritually to revive myself through severe pain . BUT I never forgot you for I loved your soulful writings then and revisited your work two days ago . Your work has blossomed so beautifully and every word you utter is the truth at human ground reality . And spiritually. For trauma is a spiritual truth as teh death of life of the human. I am ready to get on where I left . Your truths are eternal. Please keep helping us all. THANK YOU for your divine service .!!!
Aww N A,
thank you for your beautiful message.
Sending you much love, healing and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hello Melanie
Its so funny that i find myself reading just the right transcript from you about Narcissists today!
Its been three years since my divorce from a Covert Narcissist, but i find myself back in the frying pan so to speak with what seems to be a narcissistic boss.
But I am so glad to say that I saw it coming and handled myself soo well that you would be proud of me. She double crossed me in signing up my contract of employment towards immigration to Canada, and has landed me in a situation whereby I am being taken advantage of and compromised in my personal capacity which is held on record by the immigration authorities. You can imagine my displeasure.
Anyway when I became aware of the clear manipulation and set a boundary she became very displeased. I held my ground and when the gas lighting started I just listened without reacting. When the discussion was over I just walked away feeling that I need not be bullied and manipulated by her as she needs me there, I can walk away at anytime when it suits me now as it is clear she has no conscience of what she has done and it is useless trying to get her to take responsibility for her actions. I did walk into it, but I can also walk out of it without getting myself emotionally hooked. I hope in future to see it coming next time and side step the drama.
Thank you for your guidance, and teachings.
Many blessings your way.
I’m not a warrior though I know their are so many narcissistic holy rollers for Christ who think he is their birthright and should have no other job then to fulfill the obligation of paying sexual attention to all the girls who prove their love by forming a cult of nutters on a mission to enhance lies, distort truth, swap facts for wishful thinking and make death threats to anything or anyone they get jelly of because they deserve whatever others have.