I know that many people have experienced a cheating narcissistic partner, just as I have.
Or maybe you are one of those people who is wondering right now if this is actually the case in your relationship.
Please understand that these following 5 signs are often consistent with cheating. I know it is very usual to want to try to get absolute proof, which you may not have whilst you are in the relationship.
Maybe you will get it afterwards, maybe you won’t. You might never really know, or could be eventually shellshocked regarding what this person was really up to.
Either way, your REAL reason to leave and move on, needs to be that this person is not someone who you can have a healthy and happy relationship with, because kindness, honestly, unity and teamwork are not possible.
Having said all of this, today I will help you understand that the following are often indicators that a person is cheating or has the ability to cheat.
#1 Lacking Integrity And Care For Others
Is this a person who is in it for themselves?
People who are monogamous are considerate people. They are loyal and care about their treatment of others.
Narcissists lack this view. They are the person who makes selfish choices – they take what is on offer, and don’t put themselves out for other people genuinely for the sake of caring and giving. They give with strings attached.
Is this person manipulative, and do they operate in a way that can be sneaky or immoral? Do they like to broker deals in their own favour even if it hurts other people?
Personally, I believe that this is a person with a lack of compassion, conscience and integrity.
Who is to say that if attention and sex (which are ego food) was up for offer, that they wouldn’t take the bait?
#2 Suspicious And Accusatory Towards You
Narcissists think that other people think and act like they do.
Abusers project their misdemeanours on to you and then challenge and accuse you of doing it. They may even smear you to others with all sorts of “false evidence” that you are the one cheating on them. Even though this isn’t always the case – with cheaters, it often is.
If you have a partner who is pathologically jealous and convinced that you are cheating, it absolutely means that he or she is dangerously insecure, controlling and abusive, and it also means that there is a very good chance that he or she is cheating on you.
Getting back to the point of this person being empty and insecure on the inside, please understand that is often the exact profile of a cheater.
They feel so defective and broken on the inside that they crave sexual attention, and even cheap and dirty pursuits that many people can be shocked to discover later.
#3 Displays Sex Addiction
Does this person have a history of sexual infidelity, without guilt? Did this person feel entitled to play up in their past relationships?
Sex addicts usually objectify their partners, and/or other people.
Is this person constantly thinking and talking about sex?
Are they into porn?
Are they trying to increase their sexual high with kinky endeavours that they wish you to partake in?
When you have sex with this person do you feel violated, objectified and dehumanised, or even just terribly empty?
If this is the case, you could be in relationship with a sex addict, which means that he or she will be prone to cheat to fulfil that addiction.
#4 Triangulates You With Someone Else
This one can be trickier to decipher.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the story of someone’s narcissistic partner having a strange relationship with an ex, or even knowing someone that they profess to dislike but often talk about.
Perhaps they keep this person away from you. Or say things that make you not like this person. Maybe you have sympathy with the narcissist because of what had happened to them in the past with this person – whom they have smeared.
You may feel like something “is not right” and maybe you ask about “what is really going on” and the narcissist tells you that you are imagining things.
Or maybe you just brush away that strange feeling because you want to be a decent person who trusts your partner.
Then, the bombshell falls and you find out they have been having an intimate relationship with this person – whilst telling them bad things about you.
This has happened to me personally, as well as many other people in this community.
I know what a shock it is!
#5 Displays Unfaithful Behaviour
Some narcissists are very overt.
They will eye off people in front of you! Sneakily or obviously.
They may tell you of their sexual exploits with others and even discuss sex in ways that make you feel unattractive or inadequate.
Perhaps this person has brazenly flirted or hit on people right under your nose.
This type of narcissist will spin things when you confront them about this terrible behaviour – telling you that flirting is normal and that you are insecure and paranoid and controlling.
Of course, you would be paranoid with a person like this – and you may be driving yourself crazy by checking up on him or her constantly, and feeling like you are always obsessing about where they are and what they are doing.
If you need to become a private investigator in a relationship, things are NOT good!
Taking Your Power Back
Again, I really want to emphasise this: if you are in a toxic relationship, rather than waiting for the absolute proof of cheating to turn up, I want you to empower yourself by absorbing these truths.
In relation to someone lacking integrity and care for others – a relationship like this means that your rights, values and “self” will constantly be invalidated.
With being suspicious and accusatory towards you – this is abusive and will cause you great distress and pain. A pathologically jealous person can NOT be appeased.
Being with someone who displays sex addiction – this is a person who is not going to be interested in you as a ‘person’. If someone is not connected to your feelings or soul, this is a very shallow and deeply unsatisfying relationship.
Regarding triangulating you with someone else – if you feel like something is not right, I fully endorse that you investigate and find out the truth, rather than accept the narcissist’s word for it.
If someone is genuine, they will support your pursuit of the truth, not talk you out of it. If they do, or deny you access to discover the truth, then you have your answer.
If in a relationship with someone who displays unfaithful behaviour – this is unacceptable.
I really want you to know that you should not be in a relationship with someone who has no care at all for your feelings, regarding their conduct.
I know, so many of us have stayed connected to someone ALL the way through to discovering their infidelities, or even continuing relationships after we discovered it!
But really, the truth is, we need to work on ourselves enough to not continue ANY relationship with narcissistic people who just don’t have the resources for REAL love.
Suffering someone cheating on you is one of the most painful traumas you could ever experience … absolutely.
If you are suffering any of the above, or still have the trauma from a toxic relationship, I know how much my NARP program will help you release and heal this trauma so you will be able to let go, move on and generate a much healthier relationship in your future.
I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts on these 5 points.
Have they happened to you?
Do you feel like this may be happening now?
Were your discoveries shocking?
♥️
The five signs are so exact,I have lived them all.
It’s 2 years since I Managed to end my 30 odd year marriage ,to a Alcoholic Narcissist,the pain and trauma this lady has done to me has made it so difficult to heal.
She has completely drained my soul.
In the decades that I lived the nightmare all I ever dreamed of was to get help for her.Until I slowly started to realise how she had put me into what I call “a belted dog in the corner”not game to move or speak,yes I was close to death.
Verbal and physical abuse was very common in my life.
Water was tipped on me while I slept(5lts)I use to ask why do you do these things,the answer was always,,because I can.
I have recently learnt ,from a close friend of my x that she was also drugging me with her dead mothers chemotherapy medication,caught in the act of grinding tablets in a herb grinder,no wonder I felt extremely ill all the time.
Reading your articles is certainly helping me to find the real me,,but I have along way to go.
I thank you for your help
Cam
Cam: I’ve been intrigued by that response, “Because I can.” I’ve gathered that it could mean: 1) It’s my genius beyond words, is all, for another primitive soulless act. Anything wrong with that? 2) I don’t see anybody around anywhere near putting up any resistance, is there — so come and get me. 3) Well, this is pretty much all I CAN really actually do. 4) My rightful place is here, wearing leather on the threshold of the first big bang. // Just don’t ask them if there could be any other reason.
There was one more – the most provocative of self-inquiry and discovery: “Because you can’t.”
Must do Narp program…..you’ll never look back.you’ll thrive.just do it…..for yourself…your soul.it’s time to love yourself now and treat yourself with respect so you never accept this again. Boy way through is todo this healing Narp program.
Thank you for sharing! I ended a relationship of 2 years 5 months ago. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling the way I felt even though I saw all the signs. Thats how Narcissist affect you and as Melanie says, the healing is within. I experienced a lot of what you experienced Cameron. And I also know you will get well . The work is inside of us. Be well!
Cameron, I am sorry you lived this and have so many wounds. I know because you practically wrote my story with my ex husband of 28 years. It’s terrible and they beat you down so badly. You have nothing left for them or for yourself. Good luck on your healing. We are all a work in progress.
Most refer to a codependent as a mark for a narcissists, sweet, kind, forgiving, compassionate, patient beyond reality, wonderful traits. The problem is they have absolutely no boundaries to save themselves. An enabler is missed to be mentioned as an easy mark for abuse, and will be abused even by their own narcissistic children, since enabling creates the dynamics for narcissism, entitlement. You can be living in a great neighborhood, with great neighbors when a gang (bad behavior) comes along an starts to be disruptive. If the police (boundaries with discipline) are not called, it will continuously progress for the worst outcome, eventually breaking into house and abusing the homeowners. Do you have a way to protect yourself? This is how important emotional boundaries are from the start of bad behavior, they need to be address immediately or the abuse escalates. Strong fences make good neighbors applies. A 2 year old in an adult body can not be reasoned with and by then, the entitlement is deeply ingrained. Enabler are missed, to be mentioned as a mark for narcissists.
Personally, they miss their part in their own abuse. Enablers and codependents, expect the abuser to recognize their own abusive behavior and for the abuser to self correct, however without healthy boundaries, you have already given up your power to the abuser. Rightfully, with healthy boundaries, you should never have been, where you’ve found yourself. Narcissists are Not the victim they portray themselves to be, tapping into your compassion. Leaving without a trace maybe your only safe exit. Every addicted person has narcissistic qualities, be it drugs, alcohol, porn, work, sex, food, collectors, shoppers, etc. All hold an emptiness that needs filling, unfortunately none of these idol gods work long term but destroy and if you are their it will take you first. running for your life is not a suggestion. God had a better life planned for you and can make you the man or woman He has created you to be with a true purpose. God bless you on your journey as you seek peace and joy in your life.
The piece of alcoholic narcissistic man I was with did the old switch and ditch,when he left me he sent me a text describing how he had been secretly talking to this new love of his life,stating a child hood sweetheart that he met thirty years ago,but in truth I remember the story that it was his brothers old girlfriend that he tried to have sex with when his brother was out ,shit he was fifteen at the time,he then said he hoped that one day I find happiness and love as he has,he sent me a photo of his new girlfriend who is fifteen years younger than me wearing a teddy,said he has got a unit in the gold coast,welllll first he’s a homeless alcoholic,no car,no drivers licence,no money and only debt, so I let him back in my life because he had no where to live,his dog that we had for ten years was dying,Haa he even left a dog that he loved knew that dog didn’t have long to live,a dog that was so loyal,slept by him faithfully ever night,yet ran to the arms of a new divorcee with a unit and left me to eventually put the poor animal out of his pain,shit guys this is how the narcissistic alcoholic treated his loyal companion,so you can imagine how easily I was discharged.its being discarded and made feel that our past years meant nothing,I find it hard to be nothing,
Thank you so much I have been in a long distance relationship with a man that lives in the East Coast for 4 years, I used to think he was just emotionally unavailable but something was very wrong, I just couldn’t put my finger on it, none of my family or friends knew what to say about his behavior, yes he is a narcissist I believed him for 4 years, I feel dead.
Do Narp. The red flags were there. You just made them green. You can heal it all with Narp. You needn’t be a victim…great support on the healing forum when you do Narp. You will not look back…..
Sometimes you just know… I had little inklings here and there, but no solid proof. I left anyway because of his increasingly abusive outbursts, gaslighting, and alcoholism. As the fog was lifting, I began to be convinced that he cheated and THAT enraged me so much! Why wasn’t I more enraged by his put downs, abuse and broken promises?? Smh. It’s been just over a year and NOW I am grateful he cheated because I would NEVER take a cheater back, so when he hoovered me after nine months, telling me everything I wanted to hear, swearing on his MOTHER (whom he hates) that he never cheated, I simply did NOT believe him and did not take him back. Woo hoo! Free at last! I’m not even angry anymore. He is who he is and just not an energetic match for me anymore. Mostly I am just grateful for the lessons and the catalyst that began a deeper healing journey for me. I wish him the best but no longer feel any attachment. Thank you Melanie and NARP!!
OMG – did you write the above about my life. All of the 5 signs I have experienced. Would accuse me of cheating as travelled for my work, when denied – would say there is something wrong with me if I didn’t ever get hit up when out. I was suspicious of one of his clients he was working closely with. Said to me that I am barking up the wrong tree. Later found out he was cheating with her for the past 2 years and is currently with her. She left her husband for him.
With intimacy, was a wham bam thank you situation and then would make me feel VERY uncomfortable about pushing me to have sex with others, wanting and pressuring me to perform sex acts that I did not want to do. Everybody does it, there is something wrong with you he would say to me. Always bragging about women that wanted him, if we were out he would state all the time how women were looking at him, winking or approaching him. He would say flirting is normal and I should be proud to be with me. I hated this but would brush it off as, think look at me, I am with a guy that all others want.
Yea my ex got involved with a narcissist who encouraged him to “get laid”, watch porn while she slept to help him get his willies out while not cheating. Is that weird? It seems crazy to me that any female would pressure a guy to quit his job, lose his career and mature connections to have sex with anyone besides his partner, watch porn and smoke pot and drink heavily. Makes no sense but makes everyone sick 😜
I left mine, he showed me a pic of a woman on our bed in red lingerie, said he declined her offer…however, I asked him why she was sitting on the bed and why he took a pic of her….he said he was on the opposite side of the bed and nothing happened because he still had feelings for me and he told her this…………hmmmmmmmmmm my tummy still has the ‘niggle’…and it wont leave no matter what
With your tummy still having that niggle and not leaving is your intuition still telling you 100% what your thinking is true. When my gut feeling would not go away it turned out that the sudden trips to see her sick father we’re also opportunities to be promiscuous with old ex bfs. Do NOT fall for their bs stories when you confront them with what your feeling, it’s all lies.
I too have lived through all of these 5 signs. My ex would talk regularly about how much he disliked a neighbor. I thought it was odd that he would tell me things she had said and how crazy she was. Why was he talking to her so often if he disliked her so much? I worked full time while my ex didn’t work at all. So I just would think he was walking during the the day and he would run into her. My ex had antique cars that he would take to car shows on the weekends. One Saturday he had left to go to a car show and I decided to work in the front yard deadheading the roses bushes. I’d been working out there about an hour when my ex drives by in the antique car with the neighbor seated next to him. I stood there and couldn’t believe my eyes. He never mentioned the neighbor again to me. I’m so glad I never have to deal with the ex again. I have to pay him alimony but I see it as a small price to pay for freedom and to be rid of the biggest liar I’ve ever known.
The 6th Sign : She buys and has an emotional affair with a cocker spaniel which she puts between you and her in bed to watch TV and which also turns out to have a noticeably nasty jealous streak. Even I saw right then that “emotional affairs” count as cheating and announce the immanent openly stated dumping of you. But before “Benjie” she invites you to a threesome with a married man, whose wife purportedly is just fine with it all. (She had been an unparalleled love bomber. We even fawned over each other re past live memories — much later I remembered I had died miserably. Also, she was actually a good psychotherapist – except that she formed dependency liaisons in young adults with trust funds.)
Hello Melanie! Ok yes. All but 5 of the traits I have experienced. This narcissist is not jealous or possessive on the outside. Or outwardly facing. However, they are gaslighting me by cheating and lying and then just pass it off as I am the one that’s the problem or at fault. He is definitely jealous of or tends to dislike those who care and love me. (My close friends and my family). He may be jealous of that because he’s not loved like that. The only person I have ever seen dote over him is his mother. Who is a narcissist as well. I am usually the jealous one or insecure and that’s simply because he (and others) have repeatedly lied and cheated. So it’s like the little boy who cried wolf. I don’t know if or when he’s telling the truth. He definitely has a sex addiction. Based on the things I have found in our home and in his car. He hides this cheating and lying due to the fact that I keep a roof over his head. Also. If someone gets him with a squirt gun he wants to use a fire hose to get back at them. He sets out to destroy anyone who he feels double crosses them. He absolutely lacks integrity. The list goes on and on. I am appreciative for you and this program. ❤️
Helen, mine was like this as well. I‘m still trying to figure out exactly what he did behind my back . I‘m still shocked by all this.
Helen, mine was like this as well. I‘m still trying to figure out exactly what he did behind my back . I‘m still shocked by all this. Thank you for sharing!
I actually have no proof that my husband has cheated in almost 36 yrs of marriage but when he used to do drugs he would disappesr for all night or days the first few years. Then my cousin who was known as such a liar said she saw him st the mall with his arm around a woman but of course he denied it but part of me believes her. That was yesrs ago. His second wife used to call me telling me he called her snd wanted sex. Now I believe it. Wasnt sure back then. And the past 2 yrs or so he was accusing me of cheating! That is pretty ridiculous since I am approaching 72 next week and am a pretty transparent person. He hasnt acused me lately. He is 68 and definitely a narcissist . I have probably experienced all 5 on the list over the years. He is supposedly a Christian but rents R rated movies with some nudity that I would say are not really appropriate for a Deacon of our church
Well I could go on and write a book. Whether he would use a prostitute is very much a possibility to me. How do you prove that?
Oh WOW, 68, and nothings changed , I’m in real trouble then. Mines 49, I thought MAYBE by 60 might calm down in EVERY area. Still cheating!!!
It just gets worse when older…i am sooo happy i am divorcing my husband of 33 years when i read all these comments! They will never change, please dont wait for the proof, follow your guts!
If you feel, deep inside that something is wrong, then listen to your feelings.
I have been through all of 5 on Melanie’s list and just jumped with joy that no longer i will put up with his rubbish and bull….never again i will allow anyone to lie to me and disrespect me or take me for granted. Yes, i believe that i am suffering from PTSD but i am well awara of it and will do something about it. Now in the process of buying myself a nice small unit and finally learn how to love myself again! Thank you so much Melanie! Life is beautiful, live it and love it!! Sending you all love, hugs and encouragement to live your dreams! Dont waist your time waiting for them to change, please! love to all:)
Wow. I wish I had learned these tips long ago. It’s amazing that most of them were right there all along and I was shocked when everything fell apart. I was so naive for so long!
I was shocked to discover I was being cheated on with myself and even more so to realize how much beauty and love we had. 🤍💞♥️🤍🤍💗
I know right, devastating! The last affair he had was for 5yrs AND a kid, I’m still not over , don’t think i ever ever will,am still with him, on Sunday I found out he is telling females he’s single!! Wtf? He’s 49 we have 2 kids and 19yrs together
Hi,
In this scenario I am the narc. I leave a trail of chaos and drama everywhere I go.
For all I have hurt with thoughtless, foolish words, please accept my apologies.
Thank you.
I have seen the signs. If cheating or issues with me not “putting out’ come up. I tell him he is not trapped, go be with someone else and stay there. We have been divorced for 3 years but that means nothing to him.
For me, it was financial infidelity, not romantic, and this probably hurts worse as it ruins your financial life, credit and future security when they do it.
If someone has an affair, it’s easier to end it and break off the relationship, and wait for the emotional wounds to heal. With finances, it can take years to rebuild to the point you were at before, if it is at all possible.
Dear God in heaven show me The Way and let this pain and panic go. I need to breathe again.
I spent with this narc 30 years. He cheated on me each time in my life when I got busy and didn’t have much time for him. He pursued his choices from young prostitutes (high school students age), colleague from workplace or acquaintances. I learned about it later, years later it settled in my mind and I connected all dots.
The first time as I know it happened was when our child was 19 months old, I was pregnant again and attending two schools at the same time, one full time (English language) and one part time (from my profession), plus drivers license corses. He basically made me to take such hard tempo because we came to the new country as refugees from the war in our country and he said I have to make it now, we have no time, everything has to be at the same time. I was barely alive, sleeping just a couple hours per day while he was bragging around about his ‘potential’ involvement with young prostitutes and usually revealed some details to his friends whispering on the end so I cannot hear. Also I have seen him so many times with the same woman who he was picking up in front of our child’s daycare in the morning. He clearly refused to bring our child in the daycare, I had to do it by walking, to see him often parked in front of the daycare’s door and leaving with this woman, while I continue to the school, walking 14 blocks in the cold while being pregnant. When I asked about it he told me this is his colleague from work and physically attacked me accusing me for being crazy and abnormally jealous. He started being verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. My life became chaotic – on the edge of survival, with two children, trying to learn the new language and find a job. At the same time I learned that my parents are very ill but I was not able to travel overseas because of my pregnancy and lack of money. My health started to deteriorate being under constant abuse.
Later I noticed his constant flirting and laying and when I tried to talk about it his reaction always was the same – extreme anger, gaslighting and accusation of me.
I assume that he was also involved with one woman we know from 2007 because she was trying badly to ‘get him’. He denied it, of course, and I got all his anger, gaslighting and silent treatment many times because of it.
I know that I have to leave him. I am still stuck in this relationship because, first my bad physical health with most likely CPTSD and second, because I am not financially independent. I pray to God to give me strength to get out from this black hole of constant lies, abuse and evil.
I’m reading to check for comments and quickly see yours and can’t not say anything, except speak back to you as I spoke to myself half a decade ago: Perhaps it’s time for you to learn, dear Michman, that there are two kinds of biological human beings on this world, those with and those without souls. You know this after a full life of dealing with both of them, and you know this in your memories beyond this life, so let’s own up to this again and try to get it this time, as if it will be the last. Those without soul are waiting to have enough experience either to earn one, or to get one back by earning it back, and they will not yet be able to feel or therefore to understand or to learn in any way that matures them. You’ll notice in your own life that not one of them has changed – only re-strategized to be able to carry on the same games. By your souled self interacting with them you learn to see them clearly to the extent that you contrast them to yourself and therefore learn better to see what and who you really are. You cease to “perceive” the previously hidden facts of how they are not like you and how you are not like them, gradually no longer confusing the two inside you and outside you, and thereby making different choices, including not taking it personally, once your soul has mourned the losses taken through previous human emotional investments. Eventually all this will lead to reaping the unconscious values of your souled self in a conscious way. You will also gradually but consciously and deliberately take back the human strengths and capacities you gave away to them, by having assumed for so long that your were the same type of creature as they are. This is not to say that many souled humans, including perhaps yourself and your own growing children, don’t carry many of the unsouled human traits. These traits, “absorbed” in many ways through the ages, are now part of what get transformed through your own self-healing and conscious self-responsibility. Melanie would and will encourage you to use NARP skillfully and successfully for this self-healing purpose. I can feel your capacity for strength and responsibility. Or am I totally nuts?
Dear Andrea! I hope you find the strength to go your own way, you already accomplished so much! Leaving him will free up so much energy, please don’t wait another minute. He will not rest up until he has destroyed you, because that is their endgame.
Nike has the smartest saying that u need… NO… HAVE to follow NOW. JUST DO IT! U know u MUST! u will always find an excuse of why u cant bc u are scared of change…afraid of facing the reality of it all, afraid of loneliness or failure. But none of that MATTERS bc God will be there to lift u up and carry u thru this! U are worthy! U deserve real love and good treatment! U are special and dont DESERVE to be used, trampled on, disrespected,lied to, betrayed, or hurt. U deserve happiness, contentment, and peace. And all of that is possible if u just take that 1st difficult step that u keep putting off. Acknowledge ur accurate self worth and LEAVE! JUST DO IT! Stop sweating the details and KNOW Gods got this! Put God 1st and everything else will fall into place. It will be the smartest and best thing UV ever done. And dont let him reel u back in with his empty promises fake words and excuses and justifications. It’s all BULL to OWN and control u so ull stay his supply. The point is he doesnt value u will never respect or treat u right and is not capable of loving u the way I need deserve or desire so u r just delaying ur OWN happiness and freedom. I speak from 16 years of experience! I was blinded by love…my own not his bc his was just a lie…empty words. All actions proved OPPOSITE to all he claimed swore and promised and 1 day I woke up after long prayer and saw clearly. 4 me getting out was a process bot a singular event. Hell…im still getting out! Bc we share a child it’s not clear cut and dry. He uses that and anything to try to keep me on hook. Bit like so many have said…its not about proof it’s about that guy feeling. When u KNOW u know! U just have to stop listening to the LIES u WANT to believe and trust YOURSELF. ACTIONS speak louder than words and while his words proclaim love and loyalty his actions proved everything but that. Stop asking why and how and just know u cant make sense outta stupid. Narcs arent like u and I. They dont have self respect morals values or a CONSCIENCE. They feel no shame and dont care about yr feelings or well being. They dont care about anything. They are shallow cold SELFISH encouragable relentless diabolical beings driven purely by instant gratification. They dont evolve or change bc they dont acknowledge or admit their mistakes or wrong doings. They blaim everyone and thing else. They’re too busy playing VICTIM and delving out guilt trips to live in reality and they dont want to bc that would mean they’d have to see who n what they really are which is horrible so it ain’t happening. U have to decide enough is enough and u are worth the happy life that’s available to u and waiting after u leave him 4 good and put the PTSD past behind u. It’s hard but staying is harder. And 1 day at a time it gets easier. Til 1 day ull look back and say wow I’m so glad I had the strength to leave bc I wouldve robbed myself of a happy well deserved life! Remember…with GOD all things are possible. Trust GOD! Not Narcs. He will give u strength comfort and sustain you. KNOW UR WORTH! I was an amazing HONEST loyal partner for 16 yrs and he always said how hot I was and I was the best and he was lucky to have me but he had a jeckyl/hyde personality and the NARC did me about as wrong as possible when he was the crazy jealous insecure LYING betraying hypocrite eyewandering SCANDALOUS STREETHOOD druggy personality and then act like nothing happened innocently when he switched back to the love bombing sweet good blessed christian family man persona. I had whiplash from downshifting so quickly! I couldnt ascertain how 2 OPPOSITE people could co-exist in the same body it made no sense! Finally I came across a word that explained it all! Narcissist! There is no rhyme or reason. It is not you! It is not ME! ITS ALL THEM! I gave 110%! And still got sh** on! I tried everything to make it work. But at some point u have to say enough! I am worth so much more than this. And whether theres a good decent loyal DEPENDABLE HONEST guy out there capable of loving me like I truly deserve OR NOT I have to decide that I am worth so much more than just being a selfish shameless shallow NARCs current supply. I have to love ME and know God loves me. And its bc of JESUS that FORGIVENESS is even possible. Let go. I wish u all the best with many blessings and prayers. U can do this! Goodluck.
A woman contacted me and said she had sex with my partner. He denies it and says he turned her down and she is mad and trying to push me out. It’s the craziest situation I have ever been in. He shows some signs of narcissism. I am going crazy not sure who to believe. I should probably just remove myself from the triangle, even if he did nothing why would this even come up?
Hi Amanda,
this is not healthy and usually, where there is smoke there is fire.
No way does this happen in wholesome and safe relationships.
I personally would run in the other direction … absolutely.
What would he be doing around a woman like this anyway – even if she is lying?
Be strong and honour you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I thought my narc was head over heels in love with me and he was lucky to have me. I knew he was a liar and hed even been caught doing drugs and stealing and other horrible things he hid from me but 1 thing I thought I could rely on was him never cheating on me. I thought he was smart enough to know what he had in me but after 16 years and many strange revelations evidence and stories from varied avenues I in which he always denied I had to admit the truth I didnt want to see. He was just bot a good or honest person and I was choosing to believe his LIES bc I couldnt gave the fact that he would do me so wrong and betray me like that bc I thought that would have to mean he wasnt SATISFIED or happy with ME if he messed around on me. But the truth IS whether enotional or physical infidelity…to me it’s the same bc it meant he disnt feel the same about me as I did him and he was betraying me by doing things behind my back and lyung n hiding important crucial hurtful serious things. When u truly LOVE someone u do right by them all the time whether in public or private people knowing watching or NOT bc u CARE about THEM and being respectful and honorable towards them. U dont drool over ever other girls a** when she walks by bc all ur thinking about is how ur so blessed to have that good 1 at home! U dont seek out and starve for random females attention to make URSELF feel wanted or desired if ur in love with ur partner. And u certainly dont go as far as u can as often as u can with whomever wherever and LIE about it to keep from selfishly losing ur trusty supply at home then wrongfully attack and accuse HER of CHEATING bc UR the one who’s GUILTY! HE STILL to this day REFUSES to admit he EVER cheated or even did anything wrong or inappropriate but I have a gut feeling and a brain and theres too many stories from others and instances of SCANDALOUS discrepancies here and there over the years that dont add up. So while I have no concrete PROOF I have enough to know he doesnt LOVE me like I thought wanted or did him and that’s enough. Either way hes a LIAR and hiding stuff and not man enough to ever admit anything so im not WASTING anymore of my life when I know im worth and DESERVE so much better and I hope u realize the same. They dont DESERVE us. God loves u…u love you…that’s more than enough! Goodluck.
I have experienced all these 5 signs. We have been through so much. He still works with the last woman he cheated with. He swears its over. I have the feeling he has moved on to someone else. In my 4 years with him theres been many signs of infidelity, but he always manages to argue otherwise. The last one he couldn’t argue away as I found her undies in his work bag. He is obsessed with porn and totally into kinky sex. He has made all kinds of accusations about me and my ex and has is always accusing me of cheating. I’ve been through all of these 5 points of yours for 4 years. It’s been horrendously crazy…
Oh Charlie,
my heart goes out to you.
All of that is very painful.
Please know there are really lovely men on this planet who don’t cause that level of heartache and anxiety.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie, thanks for your wonderful email of today(110120)…it is a message of compassion and love….I remember back to my early days after the discard how I was barely functioning…then I discovered npd and knew what was happening…I found your blog and it saved me and 1000s of others no doubt….you were putting out ten steps and guides to help when dealing with narcs…thank you so much…those 10 bits of truth and wisdom pulled me from the gutter…and saved my life…love and hugs to you….Roger
Hi Roger,
it’s my pleasure!
So much love and hugs to you too
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have loved this man for 25 years on and off. He’s always been a mystery showing up in my life after 1,5,10 years but it never lasts more than 2-3 months until now. We have been together for 2 years married for 1. I recently found out he been cheating the entire time. I have the texts and pictures of him half naked in her bedroom with his wedding ring on. I am an enabler as I also knew he had a problem with drugs. I paid for him to go to rehab, tried kind love and tough love I turned myself and my life inside out almost to the point of bankruptcy to help him. In the end he says I took everything from him, I’m just like all of his past relationships and that he never cheated on me. He says I controlled him and destroyed him and that he will never love again because of me. He tells me to stop tormenting myself which only makes me do it more. He hasn’t spoken to me now for over 3 weeks which on one hand is good but it also leaves me starving for answers and apology because I can’t understand why he would hurt me when I would’ve done anything for him, I would’ve forgiven him even for this. I always thought he was just this damaged, misunderstood, unloved beautiful soul and I was determined to love him unconditionally and prove to him he was deserving of such love but now I know I was his narcissistic supply.
I’ve been dealing with all of this. WoW. Such a long story. . But. . I can see now that my “narcissist” is playing this role to help me. . Because I tend to end up in relationships like this and let the abuse continue because I haven’t known how to stop it. There’s a slight chance I’m wrong. . But the people involved in my situation are people who love me. People I have no reason to question. No reason to think they suddenly turned their back on me while they were helping me heal. I love you all. I’m sorry. Thank you.
Yes i think iam codependent and need to write down my boundaries and work on me.i was the most positive person ive ever been around to wondering where i went.its coming back and i set goals for this year and by god iam going to make it happen.thanks for caring
I have recently started shadow work and working on myself. I was with my bf for 8 years we have two children together. The relationship has been very toxic very very toxic. In Sept he decided he was going to move out and we were going to be done. Again (by the way he has left me and our family once every year and a half if not more). Somewhere in the last year, I have really begun to think that the possibility of me being the narcissist is pretty closer to being valid. How do I know if what I am feeling is from the work done to me or if it is honestly caused by me? If that makes any sense. I apologize but I have been trying to come to some conclusion about this entire last week and I can not for the life of me figure it out. Any insight or recommendations on where to look who to ask what to read anything to help me figure it out would be greatly more than greatly appreciated.
Thank you
K-T
Hi K T,
Absolutely this makes sense … I promise you these feelings are so normal. The very fact that you are asking this question, I would veer very much on the side of “no”, you are not a narcissist.
My deepest suggestion to you would be to google my name plus the topic “Am I the narcissist?’ to get more clarity around this. Also, I’d love you to come into my Free 3 Keys to Thrive After N-Abuse Webinar which will so hope you to get relief and your soul back. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I so hope that this can help you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
My marriage of 17 years is ending – I heard stories over the years he always denied it claiming I have otthelo complex. For my own sanity I personally contacted 3 of the 14 woman who all confirmed he cheated. He went ballistic and said it was innocent flirting and he always came home to me and then asked for a divorce. I wish I listened to my gut before we got married instead of believing him and his excuses. Worst part is I’m devastated my marriage is ending even though I know it’s the best thing for me
One thing my ex wife did while we were married was to make think that I had a secret admirer. She left a note on my truck window in writing I didn’t recognize. I found out later that she had my step daughter write it. We lived in a small community and for about an hour my head was spinning, as you could imagine but then it clicked. The cadence of the note hinted at my wife but I was still unsure. So I told her about it and she told me the truth. Some people might think it was cute but the intent was to see what I would do next. What if I had never told her about the note? She couldn’t ask me about it without giving herself up. I still can’t be sure what she was thinking.
I would also say that as well as all you mentioned, a time when I was unwell and needed caring for exposed signs to me that in normal life I hadn’t noticed. It was time at home and for once in a 20 year marriage when I needed him to look after me he couldn’t and wouldn’t and it started to expose what a monster he was. There were also signs of change/new clothes, male skin care products arriving but post and also a second phone keep in an outbuilding outside with a charger. There was so much to mention, it’s like a jigsaw once you have the courage to leave a life you thought you loved and were loved you see it clearly.
Yeah have been through all that. Is it normal for much more experienced men to seek relationships with 20 year olds they can groom to become just like them? 🥴
Obsessed with youth? Check. easy prey? Check Grooming/deceit/exploitation? Check. Narc trying to oppress and repress normal emotions and behaviour in others? Check. All part of the addictions and Win-Lose game they play, along with lack of empathy and lack of morality.
I think you left out a sign which is that they’re mega-protective of their phone. My ex would lock his in his car, was totally unwilling to let me borrow it if I had a flat battery or something and if he did let me, would hover the whole time to make sure I didn’t look at anything. Would be on his laptop in bed and close the screen when I came in, or on his phone and turn it so I couldn’t see it. It made me so suspicious that I watched him put his password in and used his drunken stupours to take it and read it a couple of times and sure enough- messages to other women. Not necessarily cheating, but flirting. Then the second time I looked he’d gone through and deleted messages – obviously in case they were seen, which made me wonder what else he’d deleted. When I confronted him about it he called me the thought police as though they were just thoughts. When I tried to talk to him about how i felt so distrustful that I’d read his phone, which isn’t something I’d ever wanted to do in a relationship before, and that I wasn’t feeling safe he just went into a rage which ended in a breakup – not the first or last breakup, I was totally dumb.
I have not been in a romantic relationship with a Narc for some time now but I DO remember what it was like. One particular scenario stands out. We usually went to a specific restaurant/bar on Friday nights after work. Since we both had come straight from work we were driving separate cars. On the drive home he would often just disappear and show up the following afternoon with some cooked up story. Sometimes he would tell me he ran out of gas, sometimes a flat tire etc etc. It was horrible.
The narcissist wasn’t suspicious of cheating, because he was so self involved he couldn’t careless about the going ons of me or anyone else often assuming he was the most important, victimized, deserving, etc. If he ever did notice his surroundings or others (besides a scantily clad female), I’d be surprised!
I heard at his wake by his BF that he always did alright with the ladies, the trips he spoke of were taken while I was married and got extravagant gifts on his return. Always be wary of men offering gifts!
We’ve been married since I was 19 and ‘m now in my seventies and have a neurological disease which makes walking painful and difficult. I also know I am co-dependent. Having told myself years ago I was strong enough to cope with my husband’s long term affairs (he never tried to hide them – just told me I was the most important thing in his life and that his other relationships had no bearing on ours). Anyway I’m going to do Melanie’s course and must get out as I’ve taken as much as I can (and yes there’s a new, sparky and of course younger woman around, and he barely even speaks to me now, is lost in his own world. It’s so true that they get worse as they get older.
No idea how I will cope financially because he will absolutely won’t help, and even just being alone scares me sick, but we only have one life and I would like to try to enjoy the time I have left without this constant ache in my heart. Wish me luck!