Everyone who has been hit with narcissistic abuse has trouble accepting that this person didn’t really love them, that they were dishonest and most likely never had their best interests at heart. Initially, this is very, very painful to accept.
And within that pain, our very logical brain tricks us into believing that we can think our way out of the deep emotional trauma of this abuse. But this isn’t a logical deal. This is an emotional healing deal. And that was huge for me to accept back when I was trying so hard to recover from the extreme toxicity of my abusive relationship.
Ultimately I came to a profound realization, one that revealed to me that all this happened for an ultimate purpose and that it is, in fact, an opportunity to stop handing our power away, to ascend and go forth onto the trajectories that we really want to live.
Tune into my latest Thriver TV episode so I can share with you the three critical tips you’ll need to start on your path to recovery from abuse.
Video Transcript
In today’s episode, I want to share with you my top three tips for recovering from narcissistic abuse where we’re going to take a deep dive into why acceptance, which is initially so painful, is vital.
Number two is release the need to know and seek the emotional feeling journey rather than the head journey.
And number three, how to claim the magnificence of your healing development and emergence as your True Self.
So before we get started in this deep dive, I want you to remember to hit the subscribe button if you haven’t already and like this video if it resonates with you.
Tip #1: The Acceptance Of What Happened To You
Let’s get going on this. The first point that I want to talk about, the first of my tips, it’s the beginning, is the acceptance of what has happened to you.
You might know that expression, the truth sets you free – it’s so important. If you’re in denial or if you’re in resistance to the truth, that just delays your healing journey and can actually stunt it indefinitely. You may never heal unless you accept the truth.
Because this is the thing, if we don’t accept the truth and start evolving and healing into a truthful, authentic being, you’re going to be in resistance to the truth. And what happens is whatever you’re not accepting in your life is going to keep smashing you to get your attention to crack you open into the acceptance of the truth.
And I love the understanding that pain is inevitable. You’re not going to escape the pain and the trauma, but suffering is optional. And unless you accept the truth, you’re going to be in suffering, because eventually you have to come home to the maker. You have to come home to the truth.
None of us want to be doing that on our deathbed, because then you never get to truly live. You want to be doing that as soon as you can. And of course, it’s agonizing to start off with, to accept the truth.
You don’t want to accept that this person didn’t really love you, that they were dishonest, that they betrayed you, that they didn’t have your best interests at heart and that really you were a commodity. You were an item to them. You’re an object for them to get energy and stuff from, and it wasn’t real love.
Now initially, that’s very, very painful to accept. And I want you to know this about this first step of acceptance. When that trauma is within you, with things like NARP, my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, that intense trauma of, ‘this wasn’t love’ – you can release that. You can bring in a warm acceptance and a peace with that, rather than battling that off and on for years.
Because if you’re stuck in the battle of that, you may really believe that, “I’m unlovable and I’m unworthy and I’m defective. And I must be a really bad person.”
That’s going to keep you stuck in the illusion that you’re only as lovable and as worthy as how somebody else is treating you. And that’s a false premise. That’s not the truth at all. When you can accept the truth, you come home to the truth of my lovability and my worthiness is to do with the relationship that I’m having with myself. That’s the foundation of everything.
Tip #2: Letting Go Of The Need To Know About Them And Deeply Acquainting With Your Inner Being
This leads us to my second point, which is so important for your healing. Once you get to accept the truth, you move on to letting go of the need to know all about the narcissist. Yes, absolutely. Initially learning about narcissists and what they do and why they do it is really helpful.
But after that point of knowing that I can’t have a true relationship with a false self, then you need to let go of the need to know all about them because that’s never going to heal you. What you do need to start doing is decide to become deeply acquainted with your own Inner Being.
Most people try to research their way out of the pain and the trauma by learning everything about a narcissist. It doesn’t work.
Your head, your logical thinking has no ability to reach and heal your inner somatic being, which is where your belief systems and your programs reside. This is the engine, 95% of your life unfolds from this place.
No matter how much you know logically, you are not going to escape your trauma and your programming by trying to think your way out of it. And I want you to feel into this because it’s so, so true. I’m going to demonstrate this to you very, very easily.
You would not say, “I think devastated.” You would say, “I FEEL devastated.”
Those feelings of devastation and trauma and being cheated on and deceived and unloved and used and abused, they’re not thinking thoughts, they’re feelings in your body.
You have to come within to meet those feelings, those programs, those traumas, that literal dense energy that is destroying you and hurting you. You have to meet it in your body.
Narcissistic abuse is about recovery from it, is about deep inner healing. It’s not about trying to think your way out of it. It actually doesn’t work.
It’s so interesting because people who are the most logical, intelligent, and even brilliant people that are in their heads are the most susceptible to narcissistic abuse and stunted recoveries, because they believe, “I can think my way out of this.” No, you can’t think your way out of this.
You cannot think your way out of deep emotional trauma. This isn’t a logical deal. This is an emotional healing deal. And that was huge for me to accept back then. It wasn’t until I got completely broken that I finally accepted that.
You don’t have to get as broken as what I was. The truth is you have to turn inwards and you have to feel and be with and self-partner with your trauma to heal your way through it. Okay?
Tip #3: Making “This Happened For A Reason” As Your Mission
The third tip I want to give you is, again, so important. It’s about accepting and making this happen for a reason as your mission, because you could stay in, “No, I was just a helpless victim and this didn’t happen for a reason. And this has got nothing to do with me.” That equals how to lose. It means that it’s not possible for you to do a recovery.
I understand why you want to think that and stay there because I was there for years as well. But I’m just going to be straight with you – you cannot recover from that place, because you have to turn this around. What you have to do is go from, “This is about what happened to me” – you have to make the switch. Go from this is what happened to me to turn inwards, to say and ask yourself and do your development at the level of, “Why did this happen to me?”
And this happened for the ultimate purpose of offering you the opportunity to clean up faulty programming, already existing trauma, where you had energy gaps, where you handing your power away, to ascend and go forth onto the trajectories that you really want to live.
If you embrace this journey with all of your heart, you can understand the difference between being disconnected from self and not self-partnering to what happens when you do connect to self. You start self-partnering and you start releasing trauma and bringing in healthy powerful programs instead of the dysfunctional painful ones, which is exactly the process that NARP does in your body simply by following the instructions.
And what you’re going to start experiencing very, very quickly is that your boundaries will come online. You will start respecting and honouring yourself. You will start speaking up. You will start trusting your Inner Being when something feels wrong and that whole neediness and dependency starts to fall away.
So rather than talking yourself out of those intuitive feelings, “Oh, something’s not right. I don’t know if that’s good for me. Oh, it’ll be okay anyway.” Because you think that’s the only way you can get love approval, survival, or security, even if that’s deeply unconscious.
When you start releasing trauma and bringing in Self and true empowerment, you are a source of love, approval, survival, and security, which means that if something becomes or somebody becomes unwholesome or abusive in your life, you can say, “No, thank you. Not my reality and there’s more to come in my life than that. There’s more of the love, approval, survival and security that I’m now generating as wellbeing for myself.”
When that starts to happen, your life changes into being exciting and indulgent because you get to enjoy and you get to feast on life. And it’s a beautiful journey of creating the most incredible experiences in your life, which all comes from getting it right with the most important relationship in your life that you can ever have, the foundation of everything, which is the relationship with yourself.
Conclusion
So, those are three powerful tips that I really need you to understand for you. And my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is known as NARP, is the most powerful and potent way I know of to achieve this.
It’s a 10-step program where all you have to do is follow the instructions, and there’s so much support with it. It takes you through the releasing of those traumas that have got you unconsciously in this and takes you through a step by step process to unravel them and heal them and deliver you back to your true authentic self. Maybe that true, authentic self that you’ve never discovered and lived through until going through that process. To find out more, you can click the link that appears now on this video.
I really hope that that has helped and those three tips have given you hope that your recovery is so doable, to not just survive but to truly Thrive.
If this video really spoke to you, I’d love you to like and also share with other people that you know need this help. And of course, make sure that you subscribe so you get every one of my episode notifications as soon as I release it.
And as always, I so look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
Melanie, I have been with you, I believe, since the fall of 2017. I had no idea what I was dealing with, until you came into my life! I left my family, a year ago Easter (April) & went no contact from the narcademon one day before Mother’s Day. Which was around 5/9/20. He recruited more narcissist. I must be dealing with 9 of them. The property manager to this apt complex, tried to put me six feet under, lacing my stove to cause black smoke. I had a heart attack, from the black smoke & only survived, because my heart is strong. While I was recovering, in the hospital, there was an arson attempt, which they set me up for blame. I have been 302ed illegally twice, smeared, gave up on a non profit foundation. Been dangerously drugged & attacked. Broken into, so many times & my apt trashed, which the apt wants to blame me for dangerous house work. It’s beginning to back fire & I have a couple of police reports. I showed a police officer what I put the fire out with & that sold him. Now, the maintenance men are retaliating & refuse to pick up my trash, which is their responsilibity. There has been insurance fraud, which I’m almost ready to prove, thanks to informative sites. A very dark storm is getting ready to meet the light of day. The narc, I married, didn’t do everything, he was set up, but it doesn’t matter. He has put me in financial abuse Hell, so we are a done deal. How is it down under??!!
Oh gosh Carol,
all of that is so awful.
I pray for you that the storm breaks and you get delivered into the calm and sun soon.
It’s challenging here in Lockdown Melbourne, thank you for asking, and I’m shifting for breakthrough and resolution.
Things are moving.
Big hugs
Mel 🙏💕💚
Carol,
They’re full-blown pschycopaths by the sound of things!
Be careful)
I thought I had risen above the pain and suffering – and told the NARK I understood he couldn’t help himself and told him I forgave him (which I have and felt an immediate release because I meant it) But somehow he keeps coming back into my life wanting friendship and because I think I’m healed, I allow it and then I end up feeling just as rotten as I did before – I obviously still haven’t faced reality. Here we go again and truly if I don’t do it this time I won’t be working it out on my deathbed I’ll just die defeated.
Hi Jenny,
Forgiveness does not mean acceptance.
Forgiveness is a powerful defense. But it does not mean you compromise yourself or talk yourself into thinking “it’s ok that he hurt me because I survived”. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
In order to truly “forgive” anything, we have to first fully and thoroughly precisely and deeply identify what was wrong.
It’s like surgeon going in to take out a tumor or a damaged organ. The surgeon has to know exactly and precisely what it is that she is removing.
Remember the pain. Remember how they showed up on your life. Remember what it is that you’re”forgiving”. What was wrong?
You have to remember without sugarcoating what it is that was so horribly invalidating of your heart and soul and being. Never allow yourself to forget it. Remember exactly what it is that you will not ever again permit in your life.
Focus on what should have been the right presence for you in your lover. Become familiar with what it is your soul needs and craves. It is because there is a RIGHT WAY to be in a relationship that we feel the acute pain when things are not at they should have been. Keep your diagnosis pure. Remember right and wrong.
Forgiveness is s process whereby you take the evil trespass out of yourself systematically and meticulously until none of the poison is left and all you feel is sorry for the perpetrator.
But if you have removed the evil honestly, you could never again let it touch you. You neutralize the effects of the venom and are forever immune from the charm of the Snake to get lured close enough to be bitten again.
You find yourself in an inner dimension of being where the viper and scorpion can no even see you. Nor you them. It’s like living in two different worlds.
Yes forgive. Then pity. And move on up on up to discover your true beautiful Self who would never give anything another chance to hurt you because you now love yourself. The process of forgiveness showed you what loving yourself is supposed to feel like .
Do the Narp modules for getting free from NARC and you will be free indeed to love yourself.
Thank you Iris
I am on the journey after 30 years and your words truly inspires me to continue
Rosemarie
Hi Jenny,
big hugs … I really want you to know that it is incredibly difficult to heal from the trauma and the trauma bonding of narcissistic abuse logically. This is why you can think that you are DONE, yet you spiral back into it.
True healing needs much deeper solutions.
I would love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where I can help you get clarity, relief and true solutions to get out of this nightmare.
There IS a way out of this … truly
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Do Narp and leave the narc alone. If you don’t heal, you’ll just continue down the same hell path. Have you read Mel’s posts or listened to her You Tubes. You must do the inner work to have a different outer world. WHY are you even talking to the narc. It’s a black bottomless pit.
I kept denying the reality and believing the facade of tears and pain and making excuses for years, only to be slammed back down repeatedly, literally losing almost everything in the process. After my last painful, emotional day (landed myself in jail), I finally decided that I would extend a final apology via text, only for the love to be denied in such a heartless way, that I have finally decided that I’m more important, my kids are more important, and if there’s no positivity, there’s just no room in my life. It might not sound like much, but for the first time in years, I have made it 24 hours without contact, regardless of his attempts, and I no longer feel angry, sad, hurt, betrayed, etc. …. I have a peace within my soul that I didn’t know I could have. I feel that I’m ready to continue on my NARP journey, finally. As hard and emotionally intense as it can be, just after 3 modules, I know I have to face the traumas and continue, because it really does work. I deserve to live and to prove that I AM, because I know I AM. Nobody else gets to decide that. I cannot express my gratitude and amazement of this program. Melanie, you are the gateway to freedom, hope, grace, acceptance and the power for guidance to “heaven” on earth.
Hi Christa,
I SO salute you for your real raw honesty and that you let go and turned inwards.
Hun I am totally proud of you and you should be so proud of yourself.
It’s your time, finally, sweetheart to truly break free.
Sending you love, power and breakthrough – you have GOT this!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have to face that he never loved me. It was all a lie and a manipulation and that is very hard to accept because it makes me feel stupid. 25 years of stupid. I am a strong capable person but I have to acknowledge I allowed the manipulation to happen through isolation. He was very good at isolation. It’s been 3 years I am now officially divorced and have just bought my own home and my 3 kids love me but I feel a shell. I don’t know why I guess it’s the loss of security and the loss of finance and now having to always be responsible. I’m tired
Hi Helen,
my heart goes out to you – please know so many others know this feeling, as I did too, of being left as “a shell”.
I promise you that it doesn’t have to stay this way.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where I can show you how to break out of this and get your soul back.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel,
Hard post for me to read because I was tolerating unacceptable abuse and behaviour from the narcissist that I left many years ago and at the time I was only in my early 20’s and he really did a number on me and left a lot of scars that I have not been able to heal. I did not know he was a sociopath at the time nor did I listen to my intuition or see the red flags as warnings and there were plenty of these even recurring dreams before I met him that still give me chills down my spine. I also had another female friend who knew the both of us who also turned out to be a sociopath herself that encouraged the connection and told me I had it wrong with him in terms of my judgement before the abuse set in and I got hurt but I now understand it was all luring and conning etc part of love bombing and trying to work out what had hurt me in the past. Gosh these people are clever and cunning but I still have that hurt inside me of them not being human enough to care and have conscience and why they did what they did – this has led me to live in my head and try and think my way out of it as you said. I am a very bright intelligent girl and due to my disconnection and childhood adverse experience not to mention a whole heap of trauma I do believe it was meant to happen even though I did not deserve to be abused like that no one does. I have a lot of anger, resentment and shock from all of the injustices because I was betrayed and humiliated over the cycle of abuse. Is it important we know the beliefs that are responsible or is it best to just go onside and as you say load up the painful emotions stuck inside us and allow the QFH to clear it and then bring in the light from our higher selves?
Do we need to know why this happened logically for us to heal? I have read plenty of books and tried to be strong and ignore the violence I tolerated etc.
Thank you,
Lorrainne
Thanks again Melanie, your words always help me get through my day a bit more easily.
I pity my abusers and there are a few of them but not sure about forgiveness. I’m not burning with resentment and hatred, on the other side of that, thankfully, but forgiveness? I’m not really thinking about it, maybe I’m just not there yet.
Actually I do have short-lived feelings of hatred from time to time directed at a close family member, it upsets me to say who, that would make me feel bad and also emotional because it seems wrong. For a while after my separation I had feelings of hatred towards my husband but those have now passed. I’d rather never have those feelings again and work towards forgiveness.
So I am going to keep working on self-improvement all the time. I am going to do the NARP course, cost is an issue but it always will be and there may never be a right time. I will enrol after Xmas and I’m really looking forward to it.
Thanks Melanie xx
Hi Sharron,
I’m so pleased that I can help.
I really want you to know that NARP, with clearing out the trauma, will help SO much.
You are right there isn’t ever a good time, there is only NOW …and know this … once the trauma releases, so MUCH abundance can flow in – on all levels.
I hope this helps inspire you
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi, Melanie!
I’ve been using NARP for well over a year, after ending a 35-year relationship which began when I was 19. This was my first long-term relationship, so I had no previous experiences to compare to. Thankfully, I’ve been able to move forward in so many amazing ways, but something has been “itching” inside me these last few days. After watching this video, I realize that I have not fully accepted that this was really what happened. He’s a covert narcissist so no one else knew. (The trickiest kind!) But, I am now ready to accept the following: I was an object. I was not loved, supported, nor appreciated. I was betrayed, lied to, and manipulated. He is not a healthy person. This was not a healthy relationship. I now fully accept, and feel, the truth of that. (I’m going to do a QF healing after writing this!) 🙂
I’m a somatic trauma practitioner, and I used to feel like somewhat of a fraud because I felt I hadn’t experienced complex trauma myself. The point you make that this happened for a reason is so true for me. I “needed” to feel what it feels like to be traumatized so that I can provide deeper healing for others. I am grateful, ultimately, for my experience and am passionately motivated to bring my work out to the world on a grand scale!
It’s time to scratch the “itch” I’m feeling and go back in and do some more releasing!
Thank you so much for your love and devotion to all of us. I appreciate you! <3
I love everything that you have written Pamela,
It’s powerful and beautiful..
You have got this soul angel!
So much love and much appreciation to you.
Mel 🙏💕💚
***
Hi Melanie, I’m running into so many people lately that have been or are still in an Abusive Narsicitic relationship and have been able to share with them about my Healing and put them into your program, so the word is spreading, Blessings Col.
That’s awesome Col!
So much love and thank you for spreading the word!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie,
I was introduced to your program in 2017 and started the NARP program after leaving a narcissistic, and then abusive, partner of 7 years.
Well I did some of the work before getting into another relationship which I thought was the answer to my prayers. After 3 years he recently broke up with me and while it was MUCH healthier relationship I have reflected on the wounds I sustained from the previous one: the low self esteem, the bad habit of handing my power away, seeking love, security and approval from another instead of myself. I do not blame myself for the relationship ending as I think it had to do with much more that was out of my control but I can pretty clearly see now how much healing I had left to do before entering into another romantic relationship and how it would benefit me the most to do that work now. I love that term self partnering as I catch myself wanting to seek out happiness in others before I have that with myself. I want to ask about getting back into the NARP program. I haven’t done any of the meditations or modules in about 2 years but I thought to pick back up on them. Any suggestions on where I should get started? I truly appreciate the work you are doing and have shared it with others. Thank you.
Hi Jeanette,
it is so great that you want to recommence and that you are looking forward to this beautiful journey with you!
Do you have NARP Version 3? If not please email [email protected] and one of my lovely team will help you get connected!
Truly – start at the start again.
Also, if you are a Gold Member, for wonderful guidance, come into the NARP Member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
It really is invaluable.
Much love and breakthrough healing to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Mel,
Are we allowed to be FULL NC with people we don’t like?
(I have situation where I never liked a person and all growing up this was never an issue. I didn’t like them, never connected, stayed away and basically it was like they didn’t exist! Later there was abuse out of the blue. Over time I went NC —-
NC was for the abuse but it had a WONDERFUL side effect of essentially removing this person fr my life (very strong boundaries not just for myself but also not wanting to hear ANYTHING about them etc) It’s been heavenly in that sense — like the person just doesn’t exist
You write a lot about how NC is prescribed for narc situations. But what happens if you heal a situation that is NON-narc?! I don’t want to have to go back to this person ‘existing’ again : ( it’s just ugh
Makes me NOT want to heal it!!
Bc it’s not up in my face now. NC worked!!!
~~~~
Also, does digging around in old wounds that are NOT actively showing up cause them to appear?!
As in, I feel that jostling a bunch of old junk would call that situation to appear in life!!!
I don’t want that, obviously!
In all these yrs of NOT healing a particular wound I have NEVER had to run into person! When we dig around in wound, wouldn’t it cause that stuff to appear, especially if it takes a long time to shift???
It’s enough to make me NOT want to touch it!! LIke why jostle it if it’s not up in my face (even though I DO feel the wound there in the body/emotions)
It’s almost like holding on to the wound is KEEPING THE PERSON AWAY!!! and if I heal it, then the crap comes back
(this is unconscious person, abuse happened out of blue with lots of years in between and I have not had to have ANY run ins AT ALL for decades. Like I wrote above that’s super nice bc I never liked this person to begin with!!
(writing this out now I sense something else. at a time when I felt ‘guilt’ like need to hang out it was always low-grade sludge feeling. I’d leave it feeling like sludge, junk yuck and thinking; I don’t choose to hang out w ppl like this in my life as friends! How does one handle this with family?!)
I’m so afraid that healing something means then we have to hang out like friends
(it makes me think of what you wrote about your parents. You healed all those shifts and now you hang out all the time)
Is that the solution?
I know you’ve written before about seeing if ppl rise up (not sure of your wording) —- but I already know I don’t like this person. I felt that way long before the abuse. I’m not interested in seeking anything out there. But is that what happens as a result of healing???
I don’t want to do healing if it means the end result is having to hang out etc
That reminds me of the way if was before abuse —- like an obligation, but NOT uplifting, NOT fun, no connection —- just familiarity but UGH. It is so dispiriting to think that healing leads to that.
these are not narc situations.
(I also would love to read more blog posts about non-narc! such as enmeshed codependents!!!!!! (super UGH on that one!!!) and on what it means to heal as a spiritual being, do we have to hang out with everyone?!)
~~~
I see this SO often on healer’s web sites. Like the goal is to get along with family. It turns me off from doing the healing work bc who wants to go towards a goal they don’t want?
What is the alternative?
There is so much pressure in society to get along with family. why? Seems to me there’s a lot of pain there and familiarity and old patterns, but not necessarily true joy freedom etc. not like we would choose with our friends! Even on your web site, you discuss how you hang out with your parents all the time now that you shifted and healed.
Feels like being bombarded by the idea that that is the only goal!
I’d love to see post about healing, shifting and then YEEEEAAAAAAHHH!!! You get to be FREEEE! And leave and create your own life and hang out with wonderful people around whom you feel uplifted, strong and powerful.
Family like school —- go through exams, it’s hard, do the work then PASS THE EXAMS and Yeeeeaaaah!!! You get to GRADUATE!!! you get to leave, move on, not ever go back
I see almost no writings on that anywhere. I don’t see it in the healing community. It’s not an idea I find (except in myself) and that makes it hard. It’s like the goal of healing is NOT what I want!!!
I don’t understand why we have to hang out w these ppl forever! We didn’t even consciously choose them! We may not even LIKE them!!! (and that SUCKS. it diminishes life, IMO)
But if it’s not narc and if you heal your wounds, then how does one leave? Or rather, the goal seems to be to heal everything IN ORDER TO STAY!
And like it seems that that is a very good, spiritual person who heals those relationships and then can, for lack of a better word, flaunt the awesome relationship they now have w their parents, family whatever. It makes no sense to me! but it almost seems like only non-healed, non-spiritual people don’t hang out with their non-narc families.
I wish I could read more about this!! Have talked with so many healers over the years but it’s hard to find anything on this specifically!
I just want to be totally free! not hanging out —-
and also not have to have the ppl show up just bc I start shifting the wound (no matter how long that takes)
I keep trying to put this question succinctly —- but it gets so complicated somehow.
What if someone doesn’t want to heal with the goal of hanging out w the person!
What about healing in order to have person removed from life completely and forever! So we can be free. That’s it.
It seems to me the goal always seems to be to “heal FOO” means you hang out and all’s ‘great’
~~~~
For example
I’ve been working on relationship w someone in FOO all my life. Consciously, w intense, deep energy healers etc since 1990. It’s enmeshed codependent as far as I can tell, non-narc.
Over years and years have been able to converse etc and I can even get lulled into it — like it feels benign or even “FINE” etc
But then I run into someone I really like and I realize what really liking someone feels like!! It’s AWESOME!!! It’s uplifting! It’s FUN! It’s strengthening!! I get to learn stuff!! new insights! Lots of laughter!! (there might be pain, but it feels progressive for healing) it’s just FUN and I WANT IT WANT IT WANT IT!!!
In contrast then I realize the FOO situation is something I can endure. It’s ‘ok’ — it can be benign! I celebrate when it doesn’t cause inordinate pain! HEY!! I survived that one!! It’s not violent, it’s not AWFUL!! it’s just eh (and this is after decades of working on and healing it)
It’s familiar, it’s old and it’s FOO — so there’s a lot of pressure to keep that together. How does one EVER remove from that? WHAT is it??! Why don’t more healers talk about it?
A long time ago I sort of gave up my life and figured well, I’ll just have to hang out w FOO and that’s it. There’s not much more to be able to get away from it.
So why would I want to heal FOO in order to hang out with them more?! Again, it seems like the goal of healing, spiritual healing is: heal wounds so you can hang out w FOO and all get along.
This feels like a closed cycle. constricting. Like the problem (being enmeshed and feeling unable to release, not being FREE alone) is the goal (hanging out, all getting along, not being FREE alone)
I’ve been SO confused about this ever since I read your story about your parents. Like your shifting was successful bc now you hang out with them. That was the goal.
It’s not just your web site — I’ve read this a lot on healing web sites. it actually often is touted as a testimonial for how well a technique works —
Is the goal ever NOT to do that? Not to hang out — how do we ever get free??!
Oh I wish you’d write more about enmeshed codependents (if that’s what this is). bc it’s not like narc, which seems so obvious in its horror. This can be benign but internally it just feels AWFUL and never free! EVER. (But not awful like the narc —- like resignation, like settling for LESS, like not love as joyful and free —- but just OK)
Could you write more about the various options of healing in FOO. Even in the comments here I see so many ppl who want to heal those relationships. But I almost never see anyone who wants to heal in order to leave and be free. Why not?
I wish there were more templates for this: heal means being able to leave, be free and never having to go back!
Pls could you write about this?? thanks!!!!
Hello Melanie,
Thanks a lot for your tips!
But I don’t understand how you can work on your #3 tip when the narc is your own mother… You are already bound with her because she is your mother for ever. How understand why everything happened? It started the moment I was born. A kid cannot understand and defend herself. Even if you do it once you are an adult, you feel it is so unfair… And you cannot accept, even if you totally know that it was happening and got detached from the relationship.
Hi Isabelle,
you are very welcome!
Isabelle, I would love you to come into my free 3 keys to thriving after narcissistic abuse workshop.
The answer to your question is a pretty deep conversation, and it is one that I cover in this workshop. As well as go through how to get the relief and the healing from family of origin narcissistic abuse.
The link to join is this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this can help.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚