Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Does Abuse Keep Happening to Me?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 4
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Have you ever asked yourself this question? Have you been devastated, infuriated and frustrated when you realise that many of your relationships, and possibly even the one with a parent was with a narcissist?

There are Solutions

I want to take you on a little bit of an analogy here…

Can you imagine having repeated problems with a car? No matter what work you have had done on the engine, the breakdowns keep occurring.

It seems like every time you think you’re cruising down the road safely and happily again, something goes wrong…

…bringing back the familiar dread of Noooo! Not this again!

What if, though, finally you found the right mechanic, with the right answer, who could solve this problem?

It’s absolutely possible, because I hope, like me, you believe there are always solutions – you’ve just got to find them…


The Real Solutions

The real solutions are in coming into your personal authentic power, which is the opposite of being in the midst and aftermath of narcissistic abuse – which feels incredibly crippled and powerless.

Narcissistic abuse feels horrendous, and of course the ongoing pattern of it in your life – from parent, to partner (and also maybe bosses, colleagues, friends etc.) – all gets beyond a joke. Rather than cave into the horrible cynicism that people are awful, and that you are a continual victim at the hands of monsters without conscience, it truly is time to turn it all around.

This is done by switching your energy, and solutions back to ‘self’. You see, you actually have no power to change anything or anyone outside of your circle of influence – which effectively means that you have no power to change anyone outside of yourself.

  • You have no power to…
  • You actually have no right to…


The Truth Sets You Free

In order to come into your own power, start with these two points above and own them – and this means claim them as Truth…

If you do, immediately your emotional body will start coming back into its Truth – and it may be frightening at first, because you have been led to believe that your life can improve by trying to control someone else, but when you accept that it can’t and doesn’t, then you begin to gain personal foundation.

Now from this point, it is really important to understand that the longer you research narcissism, the longer you keep you focus on ‘why he or she did that’, and the longer you see yourself as a victim of narcissistic abuse, the longer you are separated from coming back to your true authentic power centre, and finding the solutions that are going to change your life.

It’s important to understand the phenomena of narcissistic abuse, so that you know it is a Personality Condition and that it doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. But then, having done that, leave it alone, because you need to start working at the true solutions for self.

The previous car that I mentioned, is not going to ‘get better’ by putting its focus on the road, other cars, other drivers, or trees beside the road. The car needs to have the work done directly on its motor.

You are no different.


What Doesn’t Help Your Vibration?

If you don’t want to keep reliving the patterns of narcissistic abuse, it is vital to start becoming aware of your vibration.

Do you understand your vibration? Your vibration is your emotions, and they are the language of your soul. Your emotions let you know whether you’re on track, or off track. They let you know if you are getting well and more empowered, or if you’re stuck as a victim in the feelings and pain of abuse.

Can you realise that if you are engaged on narcissistic abuse recovery forums having conversations about narcissistic abuse, how bad it feels and sharing stories, that your energy often feels depleted, anxious and empty? Can you understand that if you sit up for hours and hours researching why narcissists do what they do, and all of the different narcissistic derivatives for hours and hours, that you feel the same way?

It’s a simple Law of Attraction fact – that whatever you focus on brings more of that into your vibration. And your vibration knows this and this is why it starts feeling ‘yuk’ when you continue to keep rolling around in the narcissistic muck.


The Illusion of Protecting Yourself

As human beings we are misled to believe that by absorbing ourselves in more of what we don’t want, that we will be better armed to pick it, defend ourselves against it and avoid it.

Unfortunately this is not the case. The more we feel, are aware of and are vibrating in the pain of what happened to us, the more likely we are to unconsciously keep playing it out, and attracting it into our life.

Knowledge is helpful, but ultimately your best defence is to change you because when your focus, energy and alignment are created with what you do want, then you are no longer a match for what you don’t want.

I have found conclusively, that the people who are experts on narcissists, who have not created the solutions with themself, are still very susceptible to re-live the experience of “why does this keep happening to me?”, because unknowingly they can be blind-sighted (despite their immense knowledge) and attract and allow another narcissist, yet again, in their life.

Please know: Your life is not created logically. It truly is engineered emotionally.


Bringing Your Energy Back to Self

Let’s have a look at how to bring your energy back to self.

This entails understanding the belief systems (engine problems) that have made us susceptible to narcissistic abuse repeat breakdowns.

This starts to get exciting because by understanding these problems you can then start fixing them…

Please be very aware this is not about being ‘defective’. Life is not about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It is about ‘what does work’ or ‘what doesn’t work’ in relation to the life that you truly want to live.

Lovely people often have many ‘tweaks’ necessary to not be susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

I am not suggesting that you’re the one who is ‘wrong’, where I am leading you toward is the understanding that certain aspects within your belief systems don’t work in regard to creating and maintaining healthy, safe love..

I promise you it’s not your fault – society and conditioning modelled you this way.

You see life is based on many illusions that created us as co-dependents and empaths. And this invariably meant that we believed our job was to give and to keep others happy, and that by being this “good” person that we would be loved and accepted in return.

It’s a lovely theory, but truly in regard to attracting narcissists, it’s a sad and devastating recipe for abuse and disaster.

By becoming co-dependent, you lost a sense of ‘self’. This meant that you did not know that you were capable of ‘holding and trusting’ yourself in times of pain. You believed (due to enmeshment with others) that other people were responsible for your happiness and well-being, and that it was your job to make them happy, safe and responsible enough to supply you with your great life.

You believed that your life, security, happiness and well-being was dependent on what this person was or wasn’t doing. Absolutely as a child this was very true, you were precariously dependent. As an adult you’re not – even though it feels like you are…

See how messy it starts becoming?

Men and women (and goodness was I one of them!!) who are susceptible to narcissistic abuse have the following characteristics:


  • Have problems asserting their own needs and rights
  • Find it hard to say “No”
  • Believe it is their duty to give
  • Can easily feel guilty and take the blame in order to keep the peace
  • Feel dismayed and incensed by people that don’t have the same level of morality, integrity and values
  • Feel mortified if people don’t think you have integrity
  • Model how they feel on how other people around them feel
  • Believe a love partner is responsible for their well-being
  • Feel terrified about being strong and capable enough to make life work alone
  • Believe it is their job to sort out and fix other people’s life
  • Will hang on whilst being abused, rather than break away and honour self
  • Struggle to define and uphold personal boundaries, and will hand over self, energy and resources rather than risk abandonment, criticism or not being loved.

…and this list goes on and on…

Again I will empathise, you are not a bad person. This list is often a description of the nice person. You may righteously want to remain this person, and think that everyone else (especially narcissists) should change – but I promise you, that if you adamantly take this standpoint – you are going to lose.

You have just set up a world of good guys / bad guys with leaving yourself totally open to keep suffering at the hands of the bad guys.

It is not up to the bad guys to change in order for you to have a better life and love experience. Why Not? Because the bad guys are NOT you! They are NOT having your life experience, and they are NOT responsible for it.

Can you imagine saying “I’ll never be happy while he or she is a narcissist?” or “I’ll never be safe and happy while there are bad people in the world?” Good luck with that! I REALLY hope you can see how powerless and self-defeating that is!


How to Change

Okay, so back to YOU! (Which is where your true power and ability to change is going on)…

Truly I don’t want to give the bad guys too much energy, because really they don’t deserve it – but YOU do!

Let’s go back to the list…the list of the nice person, who desperately needs to smarten up their personal boundaries, and personal power…

Personal power looks like this:

  • I can assert my own needs and rights.I will so do without justifying, without long winded explanations, and because I know I deserve to have rights. If people in my space do not have the resources to respect these rights then they are not a match for me. People with the resources to be real and respectful will enter my reality instead.
  • I can say “No”.When I say “No” I no longer mislead myself and others by saying “Yes” when I don’t want to. I no longer carry resentment, and I no longer feel drained. By stating a well-placed “No” I now have the energy to state “Yes” and live it as truth, doing a wonderful job with what is true for me and others. If people don’t respect my “No” then they are not a match for me.
  • I will give when appropriate and to people who take responsibility for themselves. I will no longer give to others who are not in their power, and enable their poor behaviour and lack of accountability by taking responsibility for them. I will no longer be blamed for their downfalls. I acknowledge that when I give to others who don’t have the resources to give to themselves, it equals ‘how to lose’, because they don’t have the resources to give genuinely to anyone, let alone me. Therefore I will give to myself first and then outpour my giving when appropriate, knowing I also deserve to receive.
  • I will stop feeling guilty and taking the blame. I will be clear and understand what is ‘my stuff’ and what ‘your stuff’ is, and I will take responsibility for my stuff, and allow you to process your stuff. I will no longer hand my power over as an attempt to avoid criticism or abandonment.
  • I will accept that there are many people in the world with different values and levels of morality.I will align with people who have values compatible with my own, and leave alone people who have values I find unacceptable. I love everyone and everything unconditionally and bless and allow everyone’s journey regardless of what that may be.
  • When I know who I am, and believe in myself I know what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and their version of me does not change the way I feel about myself. There is no need to change anyone’s opinion in order to feel safe. I am free to be myself, and attract and create more of me.
  • I know that I am capable of being in my True Centre regardless of where others may be. I can assist if asked, and if it’s safe and appropriate to do so. I can allow people to be ‘down’, ‘sad’, ‘angry’ etc, and know that my energy does not have to suffer as a result.
  • I know that no-one is responsible for my life and my well-being, because I am. If a person is not a match, or does not have the resources to add to my definition of happiness and well-being – then I am betraying myself by trying to force them to be my ‘script’ for them. No-one has the power to hurt me, unless I allow them to.
  • I am the creator of my life, and I have the resources and truth within me to combine with life in order to make my life work.And so it is!
  • I have no right to invade other people’s lives in order to change or fix them to the version that I believe they should be.My life is my job, and I can allow others to be whoever they need to be, and then decide whether or not this is my reality.
  • If I fight with an abuser, and try to stop the abuse by staying in the abuse, I am abusing myself. If I was standing in the path of an avalanche, I would get away and take myself to safety. I affirm that I will do the same if being abused.
  • I understand that knowing and implementing boundaries is vital and is my job.I will no longer hand my self, energy and resources over to the detriment of myself. If people don’t respect my boundaries, and try to force me to give up my own energy and rights, then they are not a match for my reality. People that respect my boundaries and have the resources to honour me, as I honour myself, will be my reality.

Can you see what a difference this would make? Can you see how this would change your life beyond description?

Can you see how this would put a stop to your pattern of being narcissistically abused?

Can you see how by honouring yourself and being in your personal power how you would command respect, love, commitment and truth from people that have the resources to be that, and you would stop playing with people that don’t?


You Will Become Even More Loving and Giving

Please don’t for one moment think by coming into your True Power that you will stop being a loving, giving person!

In fact you will be a healthier, more loving and giving person, who would serve yourself and life in so much better ways. You will be able to give more genuinely, because your energy is not depleted, resentful or uncomfortable, and you will stop enabling people to not be accountable.

You will no longer be a target for abuse, and you will inspire others in your energy to step up and start taking responsibility for their life, their self-esteem and their True Self.

Imagine how much healthier and happier it is, to give of yourself safely and authentically to yourself, your family, your loved ones, your friends and the community. Imagine interacting with individuals and communities who are also genuine, which means you will begin to receive love, support and commitment from life.

All because you created this change…


Being Accountable and Working on it

Can you see now what the true solutions are? Can you see that no matter how much information you obtain about narcissists, what to look for, who they are and how they operate is not going to stop the pattern?

Can you understand that by doing ‘outer information’ only that you are avoiding the true work on yourself that will set you free?

Can you understand that somewhere, somehow, you have to commit to your journey of self to change this?

The people who stop their cycle of abuse accept it 100%.

This is what you have to accept – that the chinks in your boundaries and personal power have made you a target for repeat abuse – and I promise you, this is why this has kept happening to you.

It happened to me – time and time again…

It happens to so many others time and time again…

That is, until you break the cycle for good.


Making the Commitment

Breaking your cycle of abuse can take lot of commitment and it can be hard work. It took me 2 years to find the formula that worked for me.

If you feel that some extra guidance and support could help you, I can give you my formula that has helped hundreds of individuals recover from their abusive pasts in a much shorter time than it took me.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program was developed using the formula from my own healing journey and has been put together to provide genuine recovery from narcissistic abuse for anyone worldwide.

99% of people that start the program gain at completion:

Detachment from narcissistic pain

The ability to release co-dependency and create empowered boundaries

The alignment of their True Self

And best of all you can try without any risk, because If you don’t recover you can keep the program without paying anything at all.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. So have a look for yourself.

Yes, I’d like to have a look at the program
The New Life Newsletter is undergoing a slight change in format. I will be increasing the amount of emails with lots of new exciting things such as helpful articles, podcasts and much more…

I want to continue to provide as much to the community as possible and I hope that this new format should facilitate that perfectly.

If you have any feedback on future blog articles and emails I would be very grateful to hear it on the blog.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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19 Thoughts on Why Does Abuse Keep Happening to Me?
    December 1, 2011

    Melanie once again your one in a million, this information just helped me ten fold I hope to share with many of my friends..

    Love and Blessings Karen xxx

    December 2, 2011

    OMG.OMG. The process is just so hard. I moved from the West to the East to avoid idiots, smokers and drug takers & people with life controlling personality disorders. I am suffering major depression and a huge vulnerability problem. I’m getting counselling at a hospital, where they are looking at automatic negative thoughts, My ex-boyfriend was in the GREEN LEFT newsletter as part of the Socialist party, marrying some guy in a “for show” homosexual union to lobby Nicola ROXON the Footscray based Politician, pretty much branding himself as a gay man. All I want to do is sit on my bed all day and not go out. I realise that how I feel about other people’s and even my family’s behaviour is real, yet not something I can control, but now after all I went through, my ability to not let it get to me is gone. I insist on cutting ties with anyone who doesn’t treat me right, especially amorous men who forget what boundaries are. So while making progress in some areas I still feel like a complete fish out of water. I have separated myself from everyone I have known and feel very lonely. I’m on Prozac, which is not working as well since counselling started. I feel sorry for myself constantly. So, I guess I am stuck in a hole.


      February 7, 2016

      Same boat- different island. Do you wanna team up?

    December 2, 2011

    Thank you

    December 2, 2011

    I was married to a narcissist for 17 years. 7 wonderful years until our first child was born with cerebral palsy. I soon discovered what type of person I was married to. 5 years later when I got pregnant with our second child he truly showed his real self. Oh my gosh!! Who was this man?? I had never in my life run across anyone who could be so verbally cruel and harsh (to a child!). I tried everything in my power to “fix” the problem but no matter what I did I couldn’t please him. My problem was I loved him with all my heart and believed in the sanctity of marriage so I held on to that sinking ship and tried to “talk” with him while he verbally abused our handicap child and eventually turned on me. I spent 7 years of my marriage crying myself to sleep and praying to God to change this man back to the wonderful human being that I had met and fell in love with. Reality finally hit me one day – How could a man who really loved us treat us the way he did? Da! How could I love a man who could treat a special needs child the way he treated his daughter? A man who really loved us couldn’t. So I filed for divorce. Divorce took two years, I didn’t fight for anything but the children so it wasn’t real ugly until the papers were signed. Then he realized the only way to “pay me back” was through the children. Took 4 months to start up his abusive behavior again and for the oldest to refuse to see him (he let her go with no fight). When his lifestyle (affairs with married women, porno magazines,etc. verbally hearing him tell me how much he hated me and hoped I would die)contradicted the lifestyle my second child was being raised in she refused to visit. Made him look bad (on the outside he is a “perfect” person) so he forced visitation and threatened me with his lawyer.
    (I was also making it very known to all who I ran into the “secret” lifestyle he was living with the affairs, etc.). All the while his verbal abuse continued with me and towards his youngest child. She was miserable and I stayed in shock most of the time at what he was actually capable of doing and saying. It finally hit home that I was not dealing with a sane human being. I had never heard of a narcissist so I was trying to fight him as a “normal” person. Ha! Oh my gosh – when I finally read the profile of a narcissist – it was like some one had stood outside my relationship with this man and had taken notes. It matched exactly – everything – even my feelings.

    I said all that to say this. I was married 17 years. 7 wonderful – 4 borderline – 6 miserably. Since the divorce I have been in the fight of my life to protect my children from this man and the ability to raise them with values and instill in them to “treat others with respect”. I have been divorced 9 years this month. I have stood up to him in defending the children (kept everything documented and produced only facts)and he finally gave up and let the youngest go (after 6 years of pure nightmare). God has been good and I have not laid eyes on him in the past 3 1/2 years. Unfortunately with children I will always have to have some connection at times but I pick and choose those times. For all things legally stated in our divorce papers he usually complies so it has been a peaceful 3 years. Am I over him? – No – I never will be. I went into that marriage with my heart wide open and I got emotionally and verbally beaten and stomped on and for the longest time I could not understand WHY??? What did I ever do to deserve this? Since I have discovered he is a narcissist it has helped me detach my feelings and understand why but the hurt will always be there. As much as I try to not ‘relive” the past – I have to at times to remind myself of what I got out of. I forceably have to make myself not think about him and what he did but it has been a mental struggle and I don’t always win the battle. Most days I am okay but there are still days I sink into a black hole. I know in my heart I did the right thing when I divorced him and there hasn’t been a day gone by in the last 9 years that he had ever made me regret my decision. It is hard to admit my life with him was a lie and for him a game but from what I have experienced in the past 15 years I am thankful everyday that I had the courage to take my children and RUN! What does the future hold for me now? I don’t know but I am one of the lucky ones, I have a wonderful support group of family and friends. My worst enemy is my own heart. But like my youngest daughter told me during one of my dark moments, “Momma, it will be okay cause we have God on our side”. And she is right, it will be okay, because God is good.

    Thanks for listening.

    Sally Allen
    December 2, 2011

    I am so pleased you wrote this last blog Mel as I had been reading and re-reading all there was on narcissists and ended up seeing one this last weekend – I told him to take a hike when I got home and he was asking me to help him with stuff after treating me appallingly – so I have to re-read this blog and go back and do the programme again and again as I dont want to meet another one – I am still hurting from the last one and still secretly hope for closure which I will never get – These folk are evil evil evil

    December 2, 2011

    My abuse is of my own self. I’m crushing myself with guilt over something I did.
    I didn’t tell a new partner something he needed to know. I lied by omission. He is a wonderful, caring man, and I ruined a very good chance at a good relationship.
    Guess my question is, how can I forgive myself? I wanted him so bad I lied to him. My selfish neediness disgusts me, and I’m hurting over the pain I’ve caused him, and myself.

    I fear I am the narcissist, and I want to end this abuse. It’s a left-over from my parents, and I want to be free of it, and build a strong foundation of Love and Truth for myself.

    December 2, 2011

    Thanks so much for these words.Im reading about empowerment and you so have to be true to yourself. Like you said dont focus on him and the abuse you can get stuck and feel worse.I did that in the begining.Its all about what are we gonna do now to heal our buried spirits and to let that light shine brilliantly again.You Melanie have been part of my journey in getting there.We can lay down and let the lion get us or we can ride that Sucka Thanks! Adaku…

    juli choden
    December 2, 2011

    Hi melanie,

    Remember me. Thanks for the support. Still working through my stuff but I am right there with you. Being do pretty good. ups and owns, but when down I have my internal guide. thanks for your wisdom.
    Be well, Juli

    Val Dent
    December 2, 2011

    Hi Mel,
    Fantastic newsletter-words of wisdom as always.
    I did exactly that- went around the long way and spent a whole year??? reading and re reading and “thinking” and “trying to understand” narcissists. My mother has this PD, my significant other of 12 years had this PD.So I read and I thought. I felt sad for them. And for me. Nothing changed. It was still ALL about them.
    Then something clicked in my course/ work/talking with you and I found out I did have a self after all. Not only that -a True self= with deep desires to do things in life that I know now are soul derires and soul truth. And now I have learnt that every time I feel bad-I am slipping into someone else’s stuff again and time to do exactly what you say- turn back to Self and get busy with affirmations and 11/11’s and meditations.
    My favourite one from your book:
    I am safe and powerful in my own energy,
    No person or situation has any power over me.
    Love it-it is so freeing and empowering for me.
    Love always – Val

  • Melanie
    December 5, 2011

    Hi Val,

    lovely to hear from you, and I am glad that you enjoyed the newsletter. Gorgeous that you get it, and are committed to True Self, because this is really (as you know) what this entire journey is all about! Keep it up lovely lady.

    Lots of love Mel xx

    Strong Wind
    December 27, 2011

    Once Again-ON POINT. THANKS!

    Eileen McDonnell
    March 30, 2014

    I just stumbled on your blog, it grabed my attention as you are describing my life so far, been abused in every job. I come from a dysfunctional family no love or support.
    I hope I can put your ideas into action
    Thank you

    Cathy Russell
    August 24, 2014

    Thanks for the comments. I don’t feel so alone with the verbal, and oh so well played comments on the part of my narcissist husband. These people know full well how to hide their intentions. He managed for the first 2 years of our marriage to do that quite well. I know the frill….first he insults me and degrades me as his wife…I’m angered and hurt, I withdraw and just go on to work….he sometimes apologizes….but rarely…but then hours later when we return from work he waits on me like a princess. It’s been a game that I have allowed my life to put up with ever since childhood…(very dysfunctional home) I’m not his victim, and I know that I have chosen the type of mates that want to suck the life out of me. That is something that I know full well I need to change! And I need encouragement to do just that!~ Cathy August 23 2014

    say it
    June 9, 2016

    I know you mean well. But all the same it is important to understand all about narcists and even be obsessed about them in effort to heal.

    The whole healing journey is a difficult search of what happened and did not happen. Self examinations or rather re examinations, struggling to feel once more, trying to understand strong people who abused the small ones and a million re evaluations and where the hell God was in all these injustices.

    A healing person cannot run away from all this stuff hence baby sitting by therapists sometimes for decades.

    In other words may your readers know your words are not exactly magical pills and if they continue asking why their own caretakers loathed them it is not a failure on their part to heal. Eventually they will reach there…. and it will no longer matter then. Because poison will have finally been ejected from their psyches.

    July 11, 2016

    Thanks for this information.
    It’s true that we need to focus on ourselves, but it is also vital that we set boundaries, speak up, say, “No!” Or, “I won’t deal with people who speak to me like that…” a LOT of the time.

    As our world gets sicker, if you’re a narcissist magnet because you had narcissist parent(s), you’d better learn to put your hand up FAST ans say, “Not me you won’t.”

    Telling people not to set boundaries is so dangerous. A lot of this is idealism.

    January 1, 2017

    Fuck and curse God the Father for setting up the Fall of Man so people can be born evil people against their will. I wish God the Father would get raped in the pussy if he deserves it (since there’s a chance he might be sexless). ?

    January 22, 2018

    what an absolute load of crap. I just hate this ‘law of attraction’ blaming the victim BS. This is like blaming rape on the woman becuase of the way she is dressed. Abusers are going to abuse. There are a reason for support groups , they do help people better and educate and arm them with info that allows them to get out of their abusive situations. Fact is there are just so many abusers in the world. Chances of getting abused again are pretty high. You just cant trust most people, humans are chronicaly and historicaly extremely dishonest and manipulative creatures.. “I know what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business” you damn well better be concerned, because what they think of you is why they are targeting you in the first place.

    January 7, 2019

    Another great way to avoid narcissistic abuse, i’ve discovered, is avoid people. Ive recently discovered, about myself, that the more and more people im around, the more tiring and exhausting they become. So, I just get really irritated. It’s insanity. Plus, with all the toxicity floating around in society today….It’s safer to just be alone. Especially as a single mother and a woman of color. People just take and don’t care.

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