Melanie Tonia Evans

Have You Forgiven Yourself?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 12
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This week’s blog is a continuation of last week’s blog Who Is My Inner Child

Last week my client’s session was about discovering her inner child and learning how to nurture it. If you haven’t read it yet please take a look as it will help understand my client’s  next step of her journey.

This week, when my client started learning to embrace her inner child, we found the next ‘block’ preventing her inner child by being fully accepted by her. Deep down she hadn’t forgiven herself for her past behaviors and choices. She hadn’t learned to forgive herself, even though conceptually she thought she had.

When we haven’t forgiven ourselves, we are not fully accepting our broken and unhealed parts. Because of this, my client could not fully embrace her inner child unless she ceased judging herself.

I would like to explain more about this…

Non-forgiveness is resistance, it is not acceptance, and it keeps creating our separation from self, and the re-enactments in our life of all that we haven’t forgiven ourselves for.

Why? Because life and our soul will keep co-creating all of the conditions necessary to show us how painful and unnatural it is to not love and accept ourself, in order to bring us home to self-love and self-acceptance (our most natural, desirable and authentic state).

Let’s look at this deeper, with a combination of logic and energetic reality. Can you comprehend and understand that everyone in the world does exactly what they feel is ‘right’ at the time of their actions given their present emotional state and fears?

Can you realise that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, (lets please get rid of the judgement and black and white thinking that never served anyone), because there is only emotional impulses and reactions or responses that do create desired results, or take people further away from what they really want to experience.

Let’s use the example of feeling unloved and uncared for by your partner. If you feel this pain intensely, and don’t know how to ask for your needs to be met appropriately, you may throw a tantrum. You may cry, scream, justify, play ‘poor me’, demand or blame. Do you think this is going to create the love, support and attention you really want?

No, of course it won’t!


Does ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’ Serve You?

Was this ‘right’ or ‘wrong’? Or was it simply a reaction coming from your emotional pain that, at that time, you didn’t have a skill set to handle differently?

If you didn’t have the skill set, (the healing of your ‘trigger’, and the awareness of how to do it differently), how can you blame yourself for reacting to your pain? You can’t! You were doing the best you could at the time with the tools that you had…

Mind you, in regard to not blaming and judging yourself, please know you are still responsible. This does not mean that other people should jump in and sort out your lack of skill set for you. It never was their job.

They are not responsible for you, your conduct, or the creation of your well-being – this is your responsibility.

And it is not their job to cut you some slack and forgive you for acting in ways that did not inspire their love and connection to you.

They don’t have to forgive you, understand your pain, or know you were doing the best you could…

You need to forgive you.

Their part with you, concerning the abuse they inflicted or / and received, and even their reasons for deserting you and leaving you (if they did) are all to do with their own personal journey. They energetically (at soul level) co-created this dance with you for their own healing and evolution, which they may become conscious about and apply and heal, or not…

Mind you – truly, none of that is your business.

What is important is your business with yourself


Are You Your Past Or Your Future?

When you don’t forgive yourself, you spend a lot of energy in your unnatural state, which means that you are not free to flow into your true, natural state. You have resistance which means that you judge yourself, dislike yourself, or may even have deep inner self-hatred.

You may compulsively go back into the ‘what if’s’, ‘I should have’s’ and ‘If only I had done this or that things could have been different’…

By being ‘the enemy to yourself’ your energy is wrapped up in survival and the inner torment over your past, rather than flowing forward into new pro-active and healthy creations.

You will continually attract people and situations in life that represent how you feel about yourself – and what you did ‘wrong’, which of course is a terrible reality to live.

Our souls are ingenious, and are always in direct collaboration with life. At soul level everything we experience in life is blessed – without exception. And in fact is always ‘right’ in that it is a divine creation and is working in perfect and divine order. The combination of our soul and life is always showing us ‘where we are at’.

If we are aligned with ourselves and integrated (love and accept ourself) we produce and experience more of that, and if we are unconscious, and non-aligned the same applies.

Being aligned and integrated feels great, it feels amazing, and life delivers wonderful and desired results.

Being unaligned and not integrated feels like pain, fear and emptiness, and life delivers the exact opposite of what we truly want.

Life and your soul are always working for you to help you become your authentic, natural state, which does and must start with accepting and loving yourself.

There is no way to get past this point, other than to become it.


What Is There To Forgive?

What is there to forgive when the real you (your soul) perfectly co-created with life all of the circumstances, reactions and results to show you what you needed to heal and get aligned with?

Thank goodness it did, otherwise you would not know how to create a better reality, inner peace, and true ‘oneness’ with yourself, and the bliss and security of knowing what it is to be an Authentic Self creating an Authentic Life (the greatest gift you could ever experience).

Do you understand the Gift you have been presenting yourself by ‘doing it wrong’?

Do you understand that the highest level of forgiveness is: There is nothing to forgive?

Do you think that forgiving yourself is ‘wrong’ because it means you won’t be accountable unless you keep punishing yourself?

If you do think this, please throw that belief system out the window!

When you are holding yourself separated from yourself (non-forgiveness) you are nowhere near creating a different way, or the true solutions that will set you free.

You’re not even on the football field, let alone near the goals.

When you accept that it was all in perfect divine order, that you were doing the best you could with the tools that you had, the pain that you inflicted on others was an experience they called forth for their own evolution, and all of the results granted you perfect feedback to work on yourself and evolve, then you can say:

Yippee! Thank goodness I was showing myself Who I am not, so now I can change ME in order to become WHO I REALLY AM!


You open the space for responsibility and self-growth, and you leave the old painful reality behind.

Double Yippee!

When you draw a line in the sand, you have a clean slate. Now you have all of the energy and the space to get on with your life, rather than rolling around in the mud, the non-forgiveness, the self-judgement, the pain and re-creations of your ‘less than’ past.

…and more and more of that…Ick!

Why on earth would you want to keep living that reality?


Your Essential Self-Development

Truly, self-forgiveness is vital. It rates right up there with releasing co-dependency tendencies, and learning how to implement healthy boundary function.

The great thing about taking responsibility for self is the realisation that you no longer have to change and fix anything outside yourself (which always feels powerless, uncontrollable and disappointing).

Because when you do work on yourself, everything in your outer experience changes, and starts to fall into place – truly EVERYTHING!
Please post any comments you may have about forgiving, or struggling to forgive yourself.



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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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9 Thoughts on Have You Forgiven Yourself?
    November 26, 2011

    Everyday I need to forgive myself again. I take two steps field forward and one back. I do so much healing work and then I engage in drinking too much or overspending. Is this an expression of unforgiveness toward myself, and is not fully forgiving myself because I don’t love myself enough? Do they come at the same time within or does one come first?

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    November 28, 2011

    Hi Charlotte,

    Great question!

    Yes non-forgiveness of self and not loving self are both symptoms of non-acceptance, and non-resolution of ‘what has been’. I would start at working at forgiving self, because truly when we can come to peace with Who We Are and Where We Have Come From then it makes it so much easier to love (accept) ourselves without conditions.

    I hope this helps!

      December 5, 2011

      How do you forgive yourself for something that wasn’t your fault? My issues all stem from incest abuse from my father (and paternal grandmother). I know in my head it was not my fault. I have done counseling and inner child work. I have come to a place of much greater self-love, but I still engage in self-sabatoge (though to a much lesser degree). My childhood relationship with my dad is the root of repeated narcissistic marriages. Comments, suggestions welcome! 🙂

    December 2, 2011

    Since I was 14, if I ever met anyone new that I didnt think I would see again I would give them a false name. My first name was Roxanne then Lexi for a short period then Monique then another 2 more names after that, eventually settling on my last false name and changing it via deedpoll. Ive been ‘that’ name now 10yrs. With every different name I felt I was a different person. Roxanne was young & silly, Monique was finding her feet very quickly in the adult world, she was still young quieter & reserved, the name I eventually changed it to I felt it was ‘all class’. I loathed my birth name. Life wasnt particulary good when I had that name In my eyes it was tarnished. So in a sense I ran away from myself and the country after my 17th b’day never to return except for short stays I was free…However and its only been these last few months, Ive felt the need to ‘go back to myself’ including taking back my original name. Which means forgiving, self forgivness and a long road. Authentic Self and living an authentic life makes sense.

  • Melanie
    December 5, 2011

    Hi Charlotte,

    forgiveness is truly about ‘acceptance that sets us free’. It is not about taking blame or blaming, and it was or wasn’t my fault. It is about releasing ourselves from ‘what happened’ so that we no longer carry the pain, the shame, the charges that keep us unconsciously sabotaging and re-living less than experiences. Have you considered getting some Quanta Freedom Healing done on this, so that you can break free? I’d love to assist if this is something that you would like to do.

    December 11, 2011

    I am doing your Quanta Freedom Healing package now. I am one 3 today. Do you mean live phone sessions with you on this topic specifically?

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    December 11, 2011

    Charlotte, certainly that would grant you a more focused ‘zeroing in’ on the specific beliefs you need clearing. What you may want to do is continue on with the Program, and if you feel you need that extra help, I would be more than happy to co-create that with you the specific releases, in a one-on-one session….see how you feel and trust yourself on what you need.

    Val Dent
    December 11, 2011

    Hi all,
    Can I just say to Charlotte and Chelsea thank you so much for sharing your experiences! You both sound like incredibly courageous people!! May be the angels be with you…
    Mel, I noticed that Charlotte mentioned over spending as one of the ways she self sabotages; I spent way too many years doing this also. I still don’t really understand it- is it about compensating for not feeling good enough or False Self or Inner Child being naughty or…….
    Val xxx

    August 8, 2015

    I am going through all of your articles, and they are helping me with the NARP work. So much of what you have been sharing, I have had a conceptual understanding of, yet have not, up to this point, been able to embody much of it.

    I am not quite there in many ways, but I am on the brink.

    Thank you so much xoxoxo

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