Melanie Tonia Evans

Who Is My Inner Child?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

I believe we all have an inner child. Another way to describe our inner child is our unconscious, instinctual self. This is the part of us that automatically receives messages from our outer experience, and instinctually feels a certain way about this data.

Some aspects of our inner child may be healthy, happy and safe, and others not so much. Therefore within certain topics we may feel safe and solid, and can make conscious and healthy choices about the data we receive, and other times we will be triggered and emotionally over-react and won’t.

It’s the parts of our inner child that feel uncomfortable, unsafe, threatened and afraid that keep showing up in our life, and keep creating pain, havoc, loss of love, and all the things that we truly don’t want to experience.


So Why is Our Inner Child Wounded?

Many of us came from difficult circumstances in childhood, where we certainly did not experience unconditional love. Our parents may have been to busy to be present, one of both may have left us. We may have suffered unrealistic expectations, criticism, emotional abandonment and abuse. We may have had rules and regulations forced on us whilst we felt powerless. We may have been violated and felt that all our emotional, physical and mental rights were taken away from us.

We may have also viewed many examples in our outer world, or how our parents operated or treated each other that represented much less than unconditional love.

The Modelling of Our ‘Gods’

As children we did not have effective boundary function (that was impossible) and we were completely powerless in regard to the level of care, love and attention that we received from our outer world. We were in fact totally dependent on what our providers were or weren’t doing with us, and our environment.

If conditions weren’t safe, healthy and loving, our terror may have been so extreme that we equated loss of love with the terror of not being able to survival – emotionally or literally.

As children we hadn’t established the ability to be our own creator of energy – and we looked to the outside in order to gain this supply. This was facilitated by our parents or caretakers, as they were the source of all of our feelings and survival.

Because they were our all powerful source, unconsciously they had to be ‘right’, and therefore anything they did that was ‘wrong’ (unloving and uncaring) had to be our fault. Therefore if you were brought up in less than loving and caring conditions you automatically unconsciously believed the reasons you weren’t being loved and cared for were because you were too defective to earn or receive it.

The Wounds that Lead to More

This created an enormous split within yourself. This caused you to not love you, believe in you or know that you are in fact worthy of being loved. This caused you to keep unconsciously seeking out the ‘parent’ who would love you and care and provide for your safety.

The problem is you unconsciously kept picking the same parents! Whether you liked it or not every love choice (and often friendships as well as work situations) tended to represent trying to get ‘the original parent’  your ‘source of everything’ to love you, care for you and allow you to feel worthy.

Conversely, If you did choose people and situations different from the original parent, who were in fact capable of true love and support, then you would have no option other than to sabotage the experience, and keep creating it as: “I’m unlovable, unworthy and defective.”

Your inner child may also be known as your unhealed parts. These are the parts of you that have never recovered from feeling unlovable, unworthy and defective.

Generally there are two ways that people deal with these unhealed parts of themself, and may slip between both methods (generally one approach will be dominant though).

The first is to declare “I am not going to be needy. That is too vulnerable and unsafe”, which leads to projections occurring when these unhealed parts are triggered. When the fear of being unlovable, unworthy and defective strikes, the inner child switches to fear, then resentment, and the blaming of someone on the exterior for these defective feelings.

This of course only pushes people away, leading to MORE proof of: I am unlovable, unworthy and defective.

The other tactic the inner child may take is to say “It’s not okay to get angry”, and simply give more. This is the wounded inner child who believes that trying and clinging for more closeness, more approval and more connection is the only way to prove that he or she is lovable.

This is of course creates a disintegration of personal rights and boundaries, and is an open invitation to exploitation and abuse leading to MORE proof of: I am unlovable, unworthy and defective.

The bottom line is: No-one else is responsible for the attention and help your inner child requires to heal these feelings of being unworthy, unlovable and defective.

Your inner child is looking to you to be the parent that never was…..because only you can be this source of energy authentically to yourself.

If your inner child is not at peace, not healed, and not feeling safe, then he or she can only act in defective ways, that will create defective results that will provide the very opposite of what it is that you TRULY wish to experience…

Namely love, safety, happiness and peace.


From the Safety of the Cave, to LOVE and Authentic Safety

The reason I am writing this today, is because I had a regular Quanta Freedom Healing Session with one of my favourite clients today..

During this session this lady was struggling to integrate the shift when it was time to bring her re-aligned inner child into herself. When we investigated this, the reason was “If I drop my guard to go and pick up my inner child, cuddle her, fill her, and bring her in to me, I’ll be exposed, vulnerable and unsafe”.

This got my thinking. I realised that often when we put our armour up and defend ourselves against getting hurt, at that same time we’re shutting our inner child out in the cold.

We went through a visualisation together whereby this lady was in her cave, locked and battened down, protecting herself from the pain she felt, and her inner child (the symbol of her pain) was left outside the cave – feeling broken, empty and totally abandoned by her.

In order to get her out of the cave to pick up the child an Ultimate Reality Shift (part of the Quanta Freedom Healing protocols) was needed. It went like this:

“In this space / time reality there is no outer experience – there is only the inner experience (what we believe, feel, vibrate at) which in turn creates what ‘turns up’ in our life. Therefore being integrated in love, truth, self-acceptance and peace is the creator of what you really want.

Therefore the ONLY way to be safe is to take down the defences, leave the cave, and go and pick up the little you, and fill her with love, acceptance, safety, and connection (everything she has always wanted) in order to be SAFE. This child’s vibration is the creator of everything you fear. To stop the fear, help her change her vibration, and then you will create what you want.”

It’s important to understand that the inner child vibrates powerfully. Our little inner self drives our emotional experience, which then create our beliefs, actions or non-actions. Our little inner self has powerful fears regarding love, survival and the fear of not existing and being annihilated, and interprets triggers ‘childishly’ that can easily set off fight, flee, or self defeating mentality such as ‘I’m worthless, it’s helpless, there is no hope for me.’

Your little you is controlling your vibrational manufacturing plant. If your inner child feels unlovable, unworthy and defective, you haven’t yet left your cave (egoic and fearful self-defences) and picked him or her up to heal these negatives feelings, unfortunately you will continue to experience more of what you are attempting to defend yourself against.

I explain why resisting something, actually causes you to experience more of it in last weeks post How to Find True Freedom and Keep It. I received a lot of positive feedback from this post, so if you haven’t checked it out yet take a look.

After the Ultimate Reality Shift (which prepared her unconscious to feel safe and aligned) my client took down the defences, left her cave and went and picked her inner child up. She then filled her with love and acceptance, and cuddled her into her, and let her melt and integrate into the safety and truth of those feelings.

Her inner child came home…

My client realised profound truths straight after that happened. I was a beautiful and emotional moment.

She realised that the lack of love and support that she believed her entire love experiences was based on, were exactly how she had been treating her inner child…

She also realised that the reason why she was trying to control love, rather than allowing and trusting and receiving love, was because she had held her inner child separated from her own love. Effectively her inner child didn’t believe she deserved love.

In the visualisation, her inner child told her how much she had missed her, how separated she had felt from her, how painful it had been, and what a relief it was to be in her arms loved by her…My client told her inner child how good it felt to be reunited, and that she wasn’t going to leave her again. That she was there to love, support her and help her from here on…

Her inner child then said, “Good! Now I don’t have to keep doing dumb things, react stupidly or cause pain in order to get your attention so that you’ll start granting me the healing, love and support I’ve required from you forever!”

This is what integration with our inner child is all about…

This is what removing painful reactions, sabotages, poor choices and painful repeat events is all about…

This is what healing ourselves and experiencing a completely different reality is all about…

I hope this has helped you realise more about who your inner child is. If you find the term ‘inner child’ too cliché, then you may call him or her anything you want. I like referring to the inner child as the ‘little me”. You may call your inner child, my unhealed parts, my disowned parts, my fearful ego, my instinctual reaction, or maybe the part of me that keeps doing what I don’t want to keep doing, yet I seem powerless to control it in the moment, regardless of the consequences I know it creates!

Please get out of your cave, and go and pick your inner child up. Nurture him or her, and ask him or her “What is it in these moments that you are really scared of? How are you really feeling? Why are you REALLY doing these actions that you know are not creating healthy and happy outcomes?”

Then listen to the answer…

I hope you get the picture, and now I hope you realise more about what is really going on when you are struck by panic, fear or anger and seem helpless to manage these feelings..

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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2 Thoughts on Who Is My Inner Child?
    November 22, 2011

    Wow!!! What a revelation in my understanding of my inner child. I had worked with this expression before but now I know I did not fully understand, it as you explained it all so beautifully.
    Thank you

    shabana mir
    February 11, 2012

    Hi Melanie, I read this article and felt very moved.Both with sadness and joy at the same time.Sadness because my inner child has been crying out for attention for a fair while now.Joy because your work has been like fresh air to a prisoner of her past.May god bless you.

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