Everyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse knows what it is like to feel controlled, abused and manipulated by a narcissist.
I know that narcissists seem unstoppable – seeming to be like a terminator who is determined to rip your mind, emotions, resources and life apart.
It would appear – as so many people report – that they just don’t give up, and even if you leave they can still make your life hell for years to come.
Or, even if they do stop contacting you, it feels like this person continues living on inside you like a terrible psychic virus.
How do you stop them hurting you?
How do you escape the control, manipulation and abuse?
How do you get this person out of your system enough to be able to break free emotionally, mentally and spiritually so you can rebuild your life?
I hope that today’s article can guide you, and even lay out for you, the most effective path to achieve that.
The Psychological War
A narcissist’s most destructive weapon that they use against you is FEAR.
Having you in a state of angst, uncertainty and trepidation keeps you psychologically and psychically hooked to them.
Other negative emotions such as heartbreak, betrayal, resentment and despair are also powerful ways that an abuser can get you to keep your attention on them so they can drain your energy and keep you connected to control, manipulate and abuse you.
We may wonder, why on EARTH would they want to do that … even (in some cases) when they have moved on with someone else in their life.
The answer is simple, and it applies to all narcissists, it makes them feel important. It grants them the ego feed that buffers up their drastically insecure and empty Inner Self.
One can conclude that their Inner Self is so stunted that it is virtually non-existent and even “dead”. This means narcissists can’t generate, have and hold good, solid emotional feelings. They need outside “attention” (good or bad, it makes no difference) in order to feel okay and alive.
The narcissistic motto is: “If I can affect someone like this, it must mean that I exist and that I am significant.”
Now here is the kicker ….
The more YOU try to fight back, lecture, prescribe, please, beg, expose the narcissist, push back and try to get them to stop – the more it is feeding him or her the very attention (also known as narcissistic supply) that he or she craves.
With a non-narcissistic person your appeal to them to stop being nasty, or angry to get them to back off may work. This is not the case with a narcissist – this person doesn’t care about you, your life or your feelings. A properly functioning Inner Being is required to have those attributes.
Rather, you are a “tool” to feed their ego with.
The narcissist is tunnel-visioned, it is all about them and vitally securing all-important narcissistic supply to feed the never appeased ego with constantly required hits of significance.
Now you can understand that the harder you try to combat this, the worse it gets. Your negative energy powers up the narcissist like blood in the water does to a shark.
And here is the thing – no matter how you try to tackle the narcissist, be it from a place of heartbreak, resentment, pain and any other still existing emotional trauma – you will be shocked that whatever you are trying to DO doesn’t work.
Why?
Because the “bleeding out” of your highly charged emotional trauma is the energy that that narcissist is feeding off.
It can even be emotions without any contact – narcissists are psychic vampires. You don’t have to be physically connected for them to have their tentacles in you, and continue hurting you.
You probably know exactly what I mean – that feeling of black ink coursing through your veins and the terrible feeling like you have been vandalised, on the inside of you. Perversely it feels like the narcissist is still living on inside you and in your head.
You may feel sicker from this than anything previously in your life, and wonder how on earth you will ever get free from it.
Maybe it has been years, or even decades since you saw this person, and you still know, daily even, exactly what I am talking about.
How To Break The Connection
I hope that you are starting to get a feel for what I am going to share with you next …
You have to STOP feeding the shark.
You see the narcissist doesn’t have any REAL energy of his or her own. The narcissist is a non-existent Inner Self (where a real identity resides) and has created a fictitious self, a False Self character as the buffer for this.
This False Self seeks and requires energy frenetically. If someone isn’t granting it then the narcissist must let go and stop the harassment, manipulation and abuse, to find another source.
If you are already separated and still feel the ominous and terrible connection, the same applies – you will need to effectively cut the chords to be able to take your soul back.
Regardless of whether you are deeply practically enmeshed with a narcissist (such as with property, children etc.) or you haven’t seen this person for decades, the healing to regain your soul, sanity, mind, power and life is always the same.
Detach.
Let go.
Stop reacting to the disgusting things that narcissists do to try to incite you to hand over your emotional highly-charged painful energy.
If this becomes your greatest goal – then there are two extremely positive things that can come from this (no matter how bad things look and feel right now) …
1) You will start to cut off the narcissist’s energy source that they have been using against you, and
2) You will have the space to heal from the soul rape of narcissistic abuse that you have been through, to dissolve your trauma symptoms and come back better than ever – more confident, whole and capable of love and success than you ever were even before narcissistic abuse.
Such is the phenomenal power of Thriver Healing.
Really, going through narcissistic abuse is a make or break deal – you may crawl out with the ongoing suffering of being psychically vandalised and/or physically abused, or you can break fee into the abuse-free life that you were really born to live.
Resources That Can Help You
Maybe you have been in my community for a while, and have received guidance from my You Tube videos, blog articles and social media posts, yet have found yourself still coming back to follow my work over and over for hope, courage and answers.
The need to keep coming back means that you haven’t yet healed your trauma, but are trying to manage it.
I understand this, I used to do it too!
I would much rather that you heal for real, and never need my work again!
There is no substitute for the inner work that will durably free you from abuse symptoms like depression, anxiety, PTSD, disassociation, and other nasties such as adrenal fatigue, fibromyalgia and agoraphobia, so that you Thrive instead of merely just survive.
With narcissistic abuse, you can go through it or grow through it.
You can dissolve or evolve.
It can leave you disintegrated or lead to your ultimate integration, of power, joy and truth.
To help you achieve these later gifts I would love to offer you the following resource …
My 16 Day Free Course which will grant you hope and healing and support, as well as invite you to my free webinar, to experience a Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself and know what it is to release and reprogram trauma, dissolving the negative energy that was previously feeding the narcissist and keeping you connected to them.
Sign up for the FREE 16 Day Recovery Course here.
I hope that this has helped you know you can detach, heal and Thrive – in ways and time frames that REALLY work!
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions.
Dear Melanie,
You have every right to write with such solid confidence in the healing you perform and teach.
This episode highlighted that black ink thing in the soul that was impossible to reach with every other healing modality.
You are definitely specially anointed to heal this condition. You describe it perfectly and you resolve it perfectly. Instantly and permanently.
God has you here to heal us.
Thank you for your focus on truly finding our inner beings and coming to transcendent peace.
I’m still celebrating the Narc because of the huge beautiful breakthrough I gained with your program.
Love and continued blessings on your work .
Please more on when the narc has a used the child well into their 20s because its the only 2ay to continue to abuse and ex spouse. She and I want counseling together but she doesn’t recognize what’s happened.
I too have 2 adult children 23 and 25 whom are still unaware of how they are impacted from their fathers constancy w control and manipulation. I have created many degrees of separation by severing all ties and recently moved since he schaked up w an x friend and neighbor to top off the divorce w a little acid throwing. I am healing through proxy to my children and don’t ever talk about narcissism despite wanting social justice deeply. I state everyday that my children are smart enough to figure it out and they are coming back to me. I make an active statement of positive intentions and mediate on it. I treat them as separate adults rather than the wasband influenced adult children as to not no longer be connected or give any power to the past. This is how I am dealing with iit. I even made a boundary w my daughter for her to take back our family dog of which she was the owner due to the triangulation that was occurring. The children are the forever genetic tie to the past but I have faith that I laid down a solid path of integrity and it will shine through at some point. I must believe that the universe will right itself over time , have faith and it will manifest!
I love Christine that you are taking the high path.
Many blessings to you and your children
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Marjorie,
I would love you to google my name plus “our children”.
There are many resources that go into this topic in detail for you, that I hope can help
Much love to you and your daughter
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Iris,
for your beautiful words.
You are doing our Creator’s work so lovingly, yet firmly .. which I LOVE.
There is much power in the truth.
So much love as always, and thank you for your healing contributions here.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi
How do i get through to Melanie?
I have been watching your youtube videos on narcissism . I desperately need to talk with you regarding my situation.
Hi Addie,
with a community of over 200k people, it is impossible for me to talk to everyone who wishes to. However, I do have a support team who you can email here [email protected]
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Iris,
thank you for your beautiful words of support.
You are such a special soul and thank you for your wisdom and continued encouragement as a beacon of light and lifeforce to all.
Always grateful for you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I agree 🙏
My question is this being married decades to one which over the years has changed in the sense of compromise, is it possible to coexist in the marriage and possibly would they be able to change? They too have offered to go to therapy with me, is it possible to save one’s marriage?
Dear Mercy,
They do not change. This was the hardest piece for me to come to terms with because as a spiritual healer, I operate from a premise that EVERYONE and EVERYTHING can be healed.
NOT NARCS. You do not Co exist with them. You transcend.
Narcs have a special mission. They’re here FOR us. For those of us who wake up from their abuse, the beauty we discover is far more than the pain we endured. I know that seems hard to believe.
Their mission is to help all of us who get involved with them to wake up. So they are actually agents in disguise as I think Melanie puts it. They’re not meant to change on this lifetime. (You’ll learn to love them and laugh at there antics when you are whole enough to see through them.) It is a test to see if you will love yourself.
Your healing here is such a high calling. It has to cost allot. Give up the pain. Give up the expectation that “they” will change. The prize is worth the cost. Cut your loses now.
YOU change.
The phony promise to work on themselves is just another delay tactic. Do you really want to wait decades for a crumb of decency?
Take THIS opportunity to heal from within. This is about you not them. Let it go.
YOU change YOU. And think about it after you are whole.
Dear Iris, Thank you.
I like the quotes below as you confirm to us in your reply above.
“..Narcs have a special mission. Their mission is to help all of us who get involved with them to wake up.” “… So they are actually agents.” “…It is a test to see if you will love yourself.”
Now I have understood my NARC husband (separated) why he existed in my life. My question all through was WHY DO NARCISSISTS EXIST IF THEY USE OTHERS’ ENERGIES AND ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING? Though he used to hurt me a lot, now I know why he/they exist.
I used to see him as CARBON MONOXIDE in my life, where no fresh air (oxygen) when he was allowed. Since I separated from him, I breath the fresh air (oxygen) that I lacked and I am now detoxing the carbon monoxide (him) that I had inhaled. Now October 2020 it’s exact 1 year since I left him. I have become free, happy and younger compared to that time of abuse.
NO CONTACT has been my oxygen and it works so well that my healing is going on very well. He can’t call me I have blocked him totally even messages. Whatsapp and Facebook I have blocked him, so he has been hoovering me since I left him but I have no time for him. I don’t talk to him or give him any supply, I ignore him and portray happiness without him which I know he don’t like. My healing is step by step and loving myself all the way.
God Bless you Iris and Melanie
Love your comments. This is exactly how I see this for myself. I am better because of the growth I achieved/am achieving because of this experience. The hardest part now is getting through the divorce and custody: I filed two years ago after 6 years of separation… oh the can of worms it opened! It through him into a narcissistic rage directed straight at me. Anything and everything is being used to try to destroy me; including our kids (one is still a minor and five are adults… our two daughters and for me, three step kids) trying to destroy me thru them has also injured them….most evidently my minor son… with the others it’s causing problems with (adult daughters) or completely destroyed our relationship (with step kids that I’ve known and grown to love as my own in the twenty-five plus years relationship w/them) …. for my adult kids, I purposely have kept them out of the divorce and such…but their dad talks about it/me and has made himself to look the victim and worse yet, caused them to question my integrity. I hope and pray they wake to what’s going on. My minor son has been so affected that he’s wanting to emancipate, drop out of school, etc… because his dad has manipulated his emotions to where he says he no longer knows what the truth is and that knows that lies can look like truth. Worse yet, narcissist has involved the court system telling them outrageous and untrue things about me to where we (my son and I) are constantly being watched, can no longer make decisions on our own (re: school, therapy, etc.) despite my having been raising him on my own with no input from father and little to no contact/visitation (Father’s choice) now the court and minor’s counsel (which father got ordered) control it all…and the decisions they’re making are influenced by the narcissistic… anything and everything that I suggest (that’s purely based on what’s best for our son) automatically gets twisted, manipulated and thrown out for no other reason than because it’s what’s best and by going against it hurts me … doesn’t matter to him that the reason it hurts me is because it hurts our son….he’s now the weapon (my) narcissist is using to hurt me… I can take it, but my son can’t. I need to know how to protect and better yet, how best to help him heal him from the trauma he’s experiencing (he knows he’s had trauma but doesn’t realize the source) … and again, I don’t involve my kids nor have I spoken an ill word against his/their father…. but his/their dad does exactly that to point where kids think I am doing exactly what their father says (and I don’t even know exactly what that is, as I don’t involve or question my kids, just know it’s happening from actions and comments they make) ..master manipulators narcissists are!
but what do you do when you are trying to get a divorce and he is using his tactics?
and what do i do about the 3 year old. ?
You do Narp ..the how is all there
Dear Mary
The answer to all of it is to learn to love yourself as you heal using NARP.
JUST DO IT.
When you really love yourself you are calling in the only true love and power there is.
And that power is within you so it is always with you because it comes from you.
Hi Mary,
Please google my name plus court and divorce and my name plus “our children’. Also my resource on parallel parenting can help you.
My other suggestion for you is to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
This will help you get clarity, power and relief.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks,
How do you get him to just let go. He has tried everything. flowers, I miss you, good morning beautiful. I miss you so much you are my life . I will do whatever it takes. I do not believe in divorce. etc etc. It is all crap. I have little contact. but I need communication for him to realize I am filing for dissolution.
Oh and yes He bought a $50 book on how to have a good marriage.
I need him gone and a way for child visitation that will be minimal. He has not seen the child only 3 times since April. Never calls or face times adn yet he misses him so much.
any thoughts?
thanks
Hi Mary,
it ending is YOUR decision not his.
Your life needs to be about your choices, values and decisions not anyone else’s.
Therin lies your answer.
This is NOT up to him, it is up to YOU.
If you can’t emotionally reach, stand in and execute that decision, then you need to do the inner work to release whatever it is that is holding you stuck and handing your power away to him.
NARP is extremely powerful for that http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp SPECIFICALLY Module 6
Mel 🙏💕💚
Wow. Me too. Our son is almost three and is tactics are working ifamiky court to smear me. I’m scare of what will happen in the end.
I have done everything to go no contact with my neighbors, whom I’ve been to court with…and they are angry because they got stuck with their own attorney fees and court costs.
Four years later, all family members continue to stalk me, and are now, getting neighbors in on it…so I get hardly any relief the minute I step outside. They have actually stepped UP the stalking, but it is very difficult to catch them, even on film, because they stalk me with their cell phone. One works day shift, one works night shift, and the parents do it too when they come to visit.
I live alone, so I am well outnumbered, and I finally just got a witness this past month.
Attorney’s are of no help; don’t want to take the case, most of them, and police refuse to get involved, and stated that if I wish to pursue filing a statement, then the other party refutes it (as they have lied and done in the past)….police have threatened to take both sides to jail…even though I do NOTHING to these people…EVER!!
I have been sent an anonymous letter with sexual undertones, several anonymous postings to a social media site that are vulgar and semi threatening such as “you will pay”…”think of me…when karma comes back to you”… etc.
I use different entrances to my place, I leave at different times of the day and night, but they must have a motion sensor because they come outside within a minute, now, most every time i go outside….even to just water the flowers.
This has gone on for over 4 years now; they just will NOT stop.
I don’t want to move; I’ve lived here for over 25 years and I love my place, and I have my place all paid off.
Any ideas?
I have some awful neighbors….do Narp…..brilliant. Especially module 8….you won’t believe it now, but it’s brilliant….always works as you heal what’s inside you….. you are giving them a lot of your emotional energy they feed off ….heal…they are your messengers. You’ll see…..just watch. Do Narp. It applies to many life situations
Melanie, Thank you for some clarifications I gathered from this video, as if written with me in mind. It also helped me see I can get beyond the stigma of being/feeling not understood, even if not the being/feeling not understood itself, just yet — which likely a very few other lucky ones go through, too. It’s just not one of those things commonly reciprocated and it takes on extra dimension when accompanied with early trauma contexts. However, due to that there is a kind of real understanding in the simple acceptance within unconditional love, it does just as well. And best without the trauma. But along with all associated healing, it’s more clear that it is the resolution of my own understanding that (hopefully) I am moving toward. Safe to say it is never really only one spectrum, surely not simply one black-or-white one, that is there in many people and realities to be found, at last. Also, this also doesn’t necessarily promise that there is always a lot of place in this world for every kind of understanding.
Hi Michman,
you are very welcome.
Understanding “just is” without the trauma…
When you have no need to be understood as a result of releasing the traumas of not being understood, then you will just BE you – whether people understand you or not will be inconsequential, because you are no longer dependent on it.
Then what you will find is that you naturally start developing and graduating towards people who GET you like you GET you – unconditional on anyone else’s opinion.
Also there will be the knowing you don’t have to win people’s approval you can simply and easily be you.
You may find with this a new ease and centredness that also changes YOU in how you may be unconsciously colluding to fulfil the belief “people don’t understand me”.
(Which is what we always do, show up in a way that co-creates the painful belief).
So within, so without.
Truly … it always comes back to – less thinking and just do the inner work.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you for your kind feedback. Luckily, not many people, including psychotherapists, know what it is like to be raised by a psychopathic narcissistic abuser who knows how to, with some violence, consistently, deliberately anti-understand/devalue your mind, heart and body — inclusive of this also being a way to attack the other (divorced) parent, whose character and characteristics are too clearly seen genetically in you. This is deliberate and weaponized revenge applied between ex-spouses via their go-between, sole progeny. Coming out of this kind of upbringing scenario, I can (where I can stand out of the woods) say that thinking and thought has never been the problem (as distinct from traumatically reactive mental compulsion, projection, intellectualism and violence, manipulative abuse, etc.), nor would I wish to devalue sane, natural thought in any way relative to any other faculties, since in its sane form (which modulates itself to not derail inner work). And, in its sane internal relationships, it works with and not against its co-faculties. Rather than thinking, the correstonding wrench that IS thrown into inner working and inner work alike is traumatized thinking as well as traumatized un-thinking — from having been developmentally “cognitively dissonanced”, which by the way becomes physically anchored like all trauma. One time long ago I tried to explain it to one psychotherapist in this way: Underneath the mental-emotional (-and physical) battering that is going on out there in space, it is also the peculliar inner trauma, realized and suppressed unconsciously during all your many young years, and realized consciously and gradually much later, when you can approach that particular malware wound. Imagine that you aren’t being able to know WHO or what your parent really is, (because you can never (inwardly or outwardly) mirror anything your parent expresses to you (due to their nature and condition) . . . while also not being able to know who or what YOU are really being, (because everything you express is “de-mirrored” and pretty much unknown by your parent as a value for you); this is hard to really convey . . . Apparently, when you carry “complex trauma”, you have to deal with the complex parts of it to some extent, sometimes making headway (or heartway) only in the unexpected spotlights of sanity you actually achieve — and you can alas freely step into them. Thank you again for this and all of your previous feedbacks, according to heart.
However, I see you may be trying to give the final airtime to not thinking, period. And I don’t wish to counter or minimized this whatsoever, because my and I know that others’ experience has been/is being that the personal re-connection with the body, and the reactivation of aliveness and self-awareness in the body, particularly the lower centers in it, takes some deliberate transfer of attention to sensation from the upper body to the lower. That is to say, the pelvis, legs and feet, should not be unconsciously numbed out and forgotten. They should be vitally and consciously lived in as much as the entire torso, limbs, neck and head. All parts are streaming with felt sense, enjoyment, instinct, intuition and intelligence. When this needs restoration and to be given stable presence, it does help to not invest much attention in thought. Obviously, the same goes for when doing inner work healing work, even when the mind is allowed to simply witness and be conscious of the emergence of new awarenesses. The life energy intelligence pulsing inside the body is naturally part of the holistic self-awareness, alive and accessible. It’s even safe to say that healing begins from inside the body, wherein the trauma in the body is identified as distinct from the healing energy resources that are also in the body. Then moving into the quantum healing.
I am all for thinking Michman.
What I have found is that when the trauma is released the thinking is progressive, expansive and breaking into new trajectories.
Until the trauma within is held and “been with” and worked through – it’s a loop of limitation, rather than becoming revelations of inspiration – organic and natural.
That was definitely my experience.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I recently got divorced from the narc and his only way to get to me now is through our grown up children who live with me. He has recently sent nasty message all about me to one of them telling them what I was. He can no longer hurt me anymore as I am not interested at all. The only hurdle I got left now is to sell the family home. I wrote a lovely letter to him putting my offer forward to buy our home but so far no reply. I will very shortly be putting it with estate agents and when sold I am packing up and flying 10.000 miles back home and one of my children want to come and I am hoping the other will come or follow shortly. The woman he is with now I would like to send her a bunch if flowers and say thank you.
Hi Deborah,
that is beautiful that you are free!
Many blessings to you and your family!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Iris, Thank you.
Now I have understood my NARC husband (separated) why he existed in my life. My question all through was WHY DO NARCISSISTS EXIST IF THEY USE OTHERS’ ENERGIES AND ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING? Though he used to hurt me a lot, now I know why he/they exist.
I used to see him as CARBON MONOXIDE in my life, where no fresh air (oxygen) when he was allowed. Since I separated from him, I breath the fresh air (oxygen) that I lacked and I am now detoxing the carbon monoxide (him) that I had inhaled. Now October 2020 it’s exact 1 year since I left him. I have become free, happy and younger compared to that time of abuse.
NO CONTACT has been my oxygen and it works so well that my healing is going on very well. He can’t call me I have blocked him totally even messages. Whatsapp and Facebook I have blocked him, so he has been hoovering me since I left him but I have no time for him. I don’t talk to him or give him any supply, I ignore him and portray happiness without him which I know he don’t like. My healing is step by step and loving myself all the way.
God Bless you Iris and Melanie
Dear Iris, Thank you.
Now I have understood my NARC husband (separated) why he existed in my life. My question all through was WHY DO NARCISSISTS EXIST IF THEY USE OTHERS’ ENERGIES AND ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING? Though he used to hurt me a lot, now I know why he/they exist.
I used to see him as CARBON MONOXIDE in my life, where no fresh air (oxygen) when he was allowed. Since I separated from him, I breath the fresh air (oxygen) that I lacked and I am now detoxing the carbon monoxide (him) that I had inhaled. Now October 2020 it’s exact 1 year since I left him. I have become free, happy and younger compared to that time of abuse.
NO CONTACT has been my oxygen and it works so well that my healing is going on very well. He can’t call me I have blocked him totally even messages. Whatsapp and Facebook I have blocked him, so he has been hoovering me since I left him but I have no time for him. I don’t talk to him or give him any supply, I ignore him and portray happiness without him which I know he don’t like. Step by step and loving myself all the way.
God Bless you Iris
Hi Rebecca,
Good work going No Contact. That was just the beginning for me.
Mine was a next door neighbor who then paraded his next victim for months in feeding of me. She parked right behind my car overnight! The pain was indescribable.
I got a new phone. Same number but all files from previous one deleted. Deleted pictures etc.
I don’t do any social media so that was super easy. Thank God.
I erased, blocked, and spam listed his number on all my phone lines and email.
I threw out everything he had ever touched in my home, every card written or any trinket given me. Even the shower soap and any perfume I used to wear for him.
I saged the house and burned incense and kept my favorite happy music playing all day and all night.
I left my condo for three months and stayed downtown around people who did not know him.
I did NARP.
The healing was deep and quick.
When I got back to my condo, he had been evicted! I had nothing to do with it.
The healing went on to celebration of the experience. That was two years ago and I can feel only gratitude for what I learned about people, myself etc.
I didn’t even know what a NARC was. I led a beautiful, pure, happy, rich, amazing life. But now it’s even better!! It was an excruciating test of my mental and emotional health. My faith is God never moved however and He led me to Melanie.
And I’m especially grateful to have been led to Melanie who put this NARC thing into a cosmic framework where it belongs.
I thank God for having been led to Melanie.
She is working on levels of healing that even I had not discovered. She’s the only person on earth right now that i know of healing this trauma condition.
All the best to you in your discovery.
I left my husband of 35+ years 6 weeks ago. I needed space to think, heal and clear my mind from the fog! I really felt like I was suffocating when I was with him since I was “awoken” 8 months ago.
I have done tons of research through you Melanie and several other you tube therapists, as well as books and my local therapist.
I’m in a quandary right now. Several friends and even my grown children are expecting me to go to marriage counseling with him now (since we never went- I pretty much was controlled and never rocked the boat during our marriage). BUT from what I’ve learned about narcissists, counseling doesn’t help, and may make me feel worse. I do not love him anymore and actually feel so free and alive these days that I never want to go back! (I also have written 30 pages of memories of what he has done to me and the children over the 35 years) So do I go to therapy because friends and children think I should? And seems like the fair thing to do for him? (People really dont get what I have been through).
UGH!!!
Hi Kim,
absolutely NOT! Honour you and truly only you need to “get” why. When you don’t need to justify or explain, truly they will have no choice other than to “get” it too!
YOUR soul, YOUR life.
The worst thing any of us can do is sell out our own truth for other people’s approval.
I hope this helps
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Mel, this newsletter hit home baby!! I have been in this verbal, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationship with my daughter’s Dad for 13 years. The feelings from it has left me feeling stressed, drained, and empty on the inside. But yet I still can be intimate with this man and tell him I love him. I’ve lost myself and don’t know where to find me. I don’t laugh when things are funny or have that feeling of excitement as I should. I don’t know how to celebrate being happy or connect with others any more it’s like I’ve been isolated and lost all my feelings. I have left several times & he talks me right into coming back! I do not know how to detach myself from this daily dysfunctional routine of toxic torture! It’s so my normal life now. I hurt so bad on the inside and still manage a smile on the outside. I’m always explaining myself & defending my character. When I confront him on issues in mid conversation he changes the subject, tries to confuse me, deflects, flips it back on me, lie, bring up irrelevant decade old stuff, answers with something that makes absolutely no sense, etc. He accuses me of things that never happen. Make believe stuff he put in his own crazy mind and we argue past exhaustion about it like it’s true. He stalks me so he knows I’m not doing anything. It’s like his mission is to lie to me, hurt me, drain me, and make me sad. If he doesn’t want me why don’t he just leave or let me stay gone when I leave?
Hi Shimeko,
dear lady taking your power back means this is not about his choices, it has to be about yours.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar so I can help you connect with what they are and how to exercise them.
I hope that this helps
Sending you much love and strength
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie….I am currently going through a divorce with a Narc. We have 3 young kids. I have been in therapy for 2 years along with my oldest who is 12 for mental and emotional abuse and now my 7 year old is in.
There is a history of drug and alcohol addiction, bipolar diagnosis, he got fired from his job for having a relationship with a coworker(the married girl he had an affair on me with), hasn’t paid child support in 11 weeks and is not looking for a job and his case was just closed from dcfs with no findings.
I was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that is triggered by the cold and was recommended by my dr and specialist that warmer weather would help my disorder. I want to move to Florida but know he is going to fight me.
How do I 1. Get him to expose himself in front of the judge or 2. Find his weakness to get him to agree to let me move?
He has manipulated and brainwashed my oldest and when he couldn’t have contact with the kids due to dcfs, I got them back on track mood wise and they were all great. Now he can see them and I am so scared they are going to revert back to the old ways. I just want some guidance on what to do to beat him at his own game!
Hi Sarah,
dear lady, I always going to advise you in the Quantum Way to get you breakthroughs, because this is what unravels narcissists and gets you in the driver’s seat to unfold your life in the highest and best ways … including what you want for you and your children.
This is a long conversation, which is why I have a free webinar that explains all http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Come into this! It is my highest recommendation for you.
Much love to you and your children
Mel 🙏💕💚
The narcissist ex that me and my spouse knew, vandalized us both internally through dark, hostile intentions, energy and intense controlling violent behaviors that I could feel, as well as writing toxic hate speech and death threats all over our personal belongings. So much gross negativity from them. It’s taken a while to feel healthy and free again. Now I know the problem was never me.