There’s a widely held belief that narcissistic abuse will leave you in a state of barely surviving.
I certainly believed that.
First, because you’re left in a totally diminished experience, and second because you’re going to be facing horrible narcissistic abuse symptoms. I’m sure you know what I mean …
Many members of this community have dealt with post-traumatic stress disorder or adrenal malfunction or fibromyalgia and all sorts of other nasties like anxiety and depression.
So-called specialists may tell you this could be a lifelong thing for you, that’s what I was led to believe.
But I’m here to tell you that it’s NOT too late for you, even if you lost everything, you can rebuild your life and your health.
Join me in today’s Thriver TV episode for a deeper understanding of exactly how narcissistic abuse changes you.
Video Transcript
In today’s episode, I want to talk about how a narcissist and narcissistic abuse changes you, and I want to talk about my experience, and those of so many other people who I’ve met on this healing journey.
I’m going to break it down. I’m going to go into how most people do believe narcissistic abuse changes you, how it really has a higher potential to change you for the better, and how to claim your higher healing potential.
Just before we get started, remember to hit the subscribe button if you haven’t already, and like this video if you find it helpful. So let’s get started.
The Common Belief Of How Narcissistic Abuse Changes You
We’re going to talk about the common belief of how narcissistic abuse changes you. And you will hear this widely! This is how most people talk about it.
Sadly, most people believe that the changes are going to be for the worse. And initially, before I found Thriver Recovery, that’s exactly the rhetoric … that was what I heard, that the best is that you can be a survivor.
So, okay, you may be able to get out, and you can get away from the narcissist, but you’re going to have a diminished experience, and you’re going to have horrible narcissistic abuse symptoms.
Things like post-traumatic stress disorder and adrenal malfunction. You’re going to have fibromyalgia and all sorts of nasties. And of course, anxiety and depression, which could be a lifelong thing for you, or years, or decades. And all the rest of it.
And sadly, for many people, that is the case. When I had narcissistic abuse, and before I learned about Thriver Recovery, I would go to people that knew about narcissistic abuse, and even the doctors and specialists and everybody said to me that it could be years, or ever … they’d say, “You’re going to be changed, and you’re going to be diminished as a result of this experience.”
And when I had my breakdown from it, I was 100% told that I would never … after an adrenal and a psychotic breakdown, I would never operate as normal again, and that I would need antipsychotics for the rest of my life, and I could not expect to be able to be functional and to have a normal life.
That was the diagnosis that I was given, and I know that that’s a diagnosis that many of you have been given, and maybe you’ve been on abuse forums and people have said, “Well, it’s too late for me. I lost everything. I can’t ever rebuild now, and the best I can do is warn other people.”
And there will be people that will tell you, you need to talk about it over and over and over and over again to detox from it.
None of that is true.
How The Changes From Narcissistic Abuse Can Be Spectacularly Positive
So I really want to talk to you about how the changes from narcissistic abuse can be, not just positive, but actually spectacularly, stunningly positive.
I’m not telling you that to be a Pollyanna, or give you false hope, or to talk rubbish to you. I’m here to tell you the absolute truth. And I’m not here to tell you that it’s easy, or you’re going to click your fingers and you’re just going to get over it.
No, I’m not going to tell you that. But what I am here to tell you is that this is so doable, and what this is so about, it’s about the understanding that you do have the power to change your own experience.
You see, the thing is, the victim model is: this happened to me. Which it did, and it was terrible. Horrible. My heart goes out to you. But unless that person is held to account, or they apologize, or they fix it, or something outside of me comes and gives me the things that I lost and gives them back to me, that I can’t be better.
The whole victim perspective is, something or somebody outside of me needs to change or amend or be held accountable for me to heal and have a great life. And that’s a false premise, and that actually means that you’ve handed your power away, and you now don’t have any power yourself.
The Thriver perspective is completely different. The Thriver perspective takes the focus off the outside needing to change, and rather than having gone into, “This happened to me, and this person was so bad, and I need to learn all about that,” it’s about “Why did this happen to me?
What were the things within myself that were assigning somebody else as a source of love, approval, survival, and security, rather than healing and shoring that up within myself?
And you see, this is the thing that I understood about myself, and I had to accept as a truth for my own healing, is that even though I was very capable, I was very intelligent, I was able to be highly successful in my life – I hadn’t yet learned how to love myself.
And people can say, well, what does that mean, loving yourself? What that means, is being willing to be with yourself warts and all, and release and heal your trauma, transform through and up and out your trauma, to actually bring in a higher state of Being, to actually get a shift in your Being.
The thing is, we hadn’t understood yet what that really means and what we’re capable of producing, because we’ve all been in a world where we as children, we needed our stuff from outside of ourselves to try and feel whole, and if we didn’t come to a certain level of wholeness, it was our normal, and we were still seeking that from the outside, rather than resolving that on the inside.
So this is about learning that you can become a conscious, quantum being. You can be the creator of your own experience, powerfully, when you know how to do the inner work to change it all around.
What You Can Do To Take The Higher Path Of Your True Potential
What happens is – from that part of being that victim – and being highly traumatized and damaged, and thinking, “Well, I’m always going to have a diminished experience,” is when you declare that, “My greatest mission in this is to come home and heal myself,” well, then you can start to take the higher path of your true potential.
What I want you to do – is to make a declaration. I want you to pause this video, and I want you to write out this self-declaration.
And this is it: “If I go within, no longer will I need to go without.”
I want you to declare it in the comments, and you might want to write it down and keep expressing that to yourself. Because the real work is to go within. It’s to change your inner programming. It’s about releasing the trauma that’s had you in a false, helpless, powerless program of not being self-partnered and not being whole.
Faulty programming can be so insidious, and it can be so unconscious, because it’s your normal, because it’s all that you’ve known.
So, for example, if you’ve grown up in a family where you’ve been invalidated, you’re not important, you’re talked over, your feelings and your rights are not validated or recognized … well, then the belief that you will have is that, “The close people in my life, the people that I’m close to or who love me, don’t validate me. I don’t have any rights.”
You’re going to feel small. You’re going to feel invisible. You’re going to feel not-valued. And then you’re going to keep connecting up to people that fulfill the validity of that inner program.
There are so many examples. And if you have a look back at your life and what’s hurt you, it’s going to match what’s hurting you today until you clean it up.
Another really common example of faulty programming is that, “men are all after one thing,” and “men cheat,” and “men aren’t loyal.” What happens is, you’re going to think that you’re connecting up with somebody loyal, but they’ll turn out to be exactly that self-fulfilling prophecy, because that’s how powerful our programming really is.
We keep saying, “Well, I was right! That belief was right! That program was right!” But it’s actually your feelings and choices that are connecting you up to fulfill that prophecy. That’s why the inner work is so, so important.
So what happens is, when we purposefully go inside to meet and heal what hurts and what’s hurt us, and we use an effective method to do that, you are literally reprogramming yourself.
You’re releasing that program. You bring in the light, which then gives you the wholesome, healed, resolved version of that program.
What it means is, you can start aligning with your highest and best self, which means your thoughts, your feelings, and your choices can align with that.
So rather than being fearful and having energy gaps like you once did, and faulty programming, you’re cleaning that up, and then you’re going to start reaping the benefits in every single area of your life.
And how I love doing my inner programming is, I work with NARP, and I’ve been working with those principals and those healings in NARP for over 10 years, and I still use them today for any faulty programming that triggers up that’s not serving me, I shift it, release it, and I change, and my life changes.
Conclusion
I would so love to help you get started on this journey where the changes after narcissistic abuse are not your diminished self. They’re not about you dissolving – they’re about you evolving. They’re not about you disintegrating; they’re about you integrating into a more powerful self and being.
To help you get started on this, I’d love to offer you one of my resources that will really help you get clarity about what you’ve been through and what is necessary for you to truly start healing from that. So I can help you with that by connecting you up to my 11 Tell-Tale Signs Quiz.
Once you take this quiz, you’re going to start getting seven days of empowerment and healing information that’s specific to you, what you’ve been through, and who you went through that with.
And also, please remember to subscribe to my channel, hit the like button, and share it with anybody who you know this information can help.
I hope that this has helped. As always, I love answering your comments and your questions below.
All this information is very good and helpful 😊
I’m glad it helps Angela!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I need to talk to u in person
Hi Scott,
can you please email my support team at [email protected] ?
Regards
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I go within, I will never have to go without. ♥️
Another really common example of faulty programming is that, “men are all after one thing,” and “men cheat,” and “men aren’t loyal.” What happens is, you’re going to think that you’re connecting up with somebody loyal, but they’ll turn out to be exactly that self-fulfilling prophecy, because that’s how powerful our programming really is.
I’m not sure what you meant by this and would like to understand it better.
Thank you for the article it really helps.
Hi…..my father (a narc) cheated on my mother several times. He even took me to see one mistress at the age of 3. Of course as a child I didn’t understand and told my mum. Of course I was punished by both. Now I grew up believing exactly what Mel stated.. I have had two narc marriages both cheated on me . Because I was programmed to believe that’s what they do. Now I have the tools to break that belief. Narping for over a year 😁
Hi Carla,
what I mean by that is what we fear, is what we continue to reliving.
It’s our trauma patterns – that’s why life changes for you after doing the inner work to resolve and go free from these inner traumas, that are unconsciously driving your life.
I hope that helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Now is 10 years after marriage of almost 30 years. I am still in the circle, no exit in sight. My son continues to behave to me as his father was. I feel it as a punishment. How to get out?! All the rest what is happening around us just is adding to that.
Here is Melanie’s video about adult child narcissists
https://youtu.be/Ru1X22hmmVc
Brilliant article thank you mel x
Hi Lorriane,
thank you and I’m so pleased it resonated with you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’m so glad I found you on YouTube. You have helped me immensely. I still suffer some from depression and anxiety if I’m not busy. Thank you again.
Hi Beverly,
I’m really pleased my material has helped you.
Anxiety and depression is such a side effect of narcissistic abuse.
I would love to suggest to you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar as this will show you how to find and release the trauma that is generating those conditions for you.
This can help you so much!
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am very much existing in my head as I don’t feel able to get into my body and I know after trying a lot of ways I simply just can’t as my head takes over. I left my abuse experience almost 2 decades ago and I was in my early 20’s when it all happened but I never got any therapy. So at 40 got the therapy and a few years down the track am still suffering symptoms and depression is bad as well as the occasional panic attack. Having EMDR now and so much anger is surfacing and rage that has it created a ‘tomb raider’ character within me which suddenly appeared whilst having the treatment and I am only in my second session so far but still want to keep going. I have tried to connect with your healings live but I simply can’t get into my body as the mind is very charged and kicks me out all the time. It’s almost like I am needing the anger and resentment, rage and other emotions to be kept to I am safe as a defence mechanism. Anyway going crazy right now with flashbacks and realised that my family are disordered and mental too.
Hi Helen,
Sending you healing, hope and breakthrough in your journey.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you! Please show me the way. I am so ready to heal for real.
Hi AnnaLena,
that’s really beautiful.
The Gold Standard to get that achieved is NARP – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
If you want to discover more about NARP before starting, then I highly recommend coming into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar as well as to experience a Quanta Freedom Healing in there.
I hope that this helps.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Let’s see. For me it “just” means that I’m still hooked into a particular composition of their narst modes, that were wielded when they were in (destructive/parasitic) “relationship” with me, as well as my still being hooked into my own set of (self-sacrificing/sitting target/codependent) ways of being in “relationship” with them. In other words, the (re)imprinted and/or (re)activated trauma I sustained earlier in life is still being held like psychic energy files in my body. Even after I recently or long ago resolutely vowed never to choose precisely such people again. Those previous and early traumatic relationship experience are in effect the body-embedded blueprints for the re-fulfilling of those same abuse trauma patterns with a new self-addictive narcissist actor to complement me, but this time different-looking and with novel and even more covert strategies. In confident idealism I navigate into prophecy fulfillment, but without much awareness or foresight of it. My blind, immature, traumatized and duly confused need for love had not been met by the self-awareness yield of self-searching, self-learning and self- healing (all with much help, worked and paid for). I was still going “without”, therefore it is all still held and hidden within, and perfectly willing to remain in denial of itself and of what it has been through, in its eternal quest to satiate and cultivate itself as experienced love, even faking it to make it, but preferably sometime before the spirit breaks. My need to love and be loved didn’t even know what being more mature could realistically be, while still drawing on the mental-emotional-sensory projections of freshly refashioned idealizations and reconstructed delusions and all hte stubborn mis-translations amidst the repeat of the stark re-traumatization in the self-fulfilling prophecy. It has “just” been all of this.
It “just” means that my consciousness was still in the process of being awakened to the need to apply itself in meeting unconsciousness, and visa-versa. Unresolved trauma was and is cached inside identifyable parts and areas of my body, in the form of prophetic crystals. But I hadn’t even really gone “out” until I went “within”. It was only until after I’d gone within a good ways that I began finding out what is happening “out here”. Then, all the universe a world and all our lives the its plays upon its many stages. The first act is that there was little, and then there was more of the support for the process of learning how to co-write it with the “self-partner”. But never a let up in the continued bringing together the body and mind with the mediating media of feeling — body, sense and emotional feeling, to re-bridging with the disavowed. I look forward to this part as initiations into “emotional intelligence”, with which in the mirror I can stand to stare away the feelings of opacity and ancient ignorance on my thawing mask. By themselves, my mind and the body with a history of trauma were too committed to the self-deceptions and denials held on to as default defenses in the yet-to-be-resolved traumadic play, even while taking on more with each newly endured unconscious prophecy. But let those scriptures no longer be fulfilled!
“All there was to do” was radical, persistent, pervasive, deliberate, committed self-healing and the self-carving of new forms, even while not knowing the whys. But … as already hinted, most all of the long trajectory can be mostly pleasurable. That is, once enough appreciation and forgiveness of self is gathered up, some of the main work involves the kind of self-reckoning and letting go of self-dishonesty that can humble up enough to welcome connection, inner and outer. Furthermore, the intermittent, gradual but real melting of the frozenness (that is the traumatized state of the mind-body) is always a permanently welcome relief. And, the first-found new pay-off was: uncomfortableness can be appreciated for bringing the opportunity to set free the forgotten and sorely missed faculties and energies stoutly waiting in the wings. The energies, that is, that I have not given over to body pains and ailments, which are another story, long ago originated in the horror scenes. It has all been “just” this, with the simple and sometimes unwise, infant-like or child-like selling out in exchange for the satisfaction of meeting the rich desires for the recognition and requiting of life’s needs. All just life’s lessons. Beginning with love, all of its accessories, mirrors, opportunities and even the remorse-generating substitutes.
Hi Michman,
such a rich and wonderful share of your inner experience.
I wanted to ask – because I can’t remember… are you working with the NARP Modules to shift out the trauma and reprogram you, directly inside of you?
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yes. If it doesn’t seem like it, it’s probably what has been meant by my being “a piece of work”. And, like you, I’ve also read/explored and even developed on material over the decades, beginning at 9, when I accompanied my mom to Scientology offshoot organizations (which didn’t reach cult form before they were shut down by “the org” way back then), and then, too, when playing hookey (missing spells of grade school ) at the Los Angeles Downtown Library, favorite department being “Philosophy and Religion”. If my sharings have become fatuous, boring traumedies, which I have recently felt by the day after (you might well be relieved to hear), I’m been telling myself to stop, at least until I gain some inner balance – a “new personal normal”, perhaps emerging “after” the triggering of our current foreboding times. I actually told myself the purpose of sharing might generate support for someone/s beyond me, so I’ve much liked the handful of positive feedbacks, in addition to a few from you, although a while back now. The good thing there is that by now I see even the hopelessness in blaming myself. I’m just grateful, “outside of time”.
Good Morning Melanie, I have been watching your thriver videos for a long time. I have learnt so much, my son is 4 and a half years old and his father left me when he was five days old. I knew there were problems before my pregnancy and during my pregnancy and I even asked him to leave a couple of days before the birth of our son. He started crying and told me that he didn’t want to leave, that he is sorry about his “bad behaviour” and that he wanted to be with me. Well, he waited till we registered the birth (my son has his surname) and the next day he left. He is an attorney, well known by everyone and until today I don’t think anyone believes that he is a narcissist (well the people in his circle at least). I am studying to become a lawyer, I am in my third year of my LLB degree and I can now say I have survived the narcissistic abuse and although I had to learn things the hard way I now know what it is that I DONT WANT in a relationship. I have learnt ALOT about myself (yes there were many tears, self hatred etc etc), but I think I am standing tall today. Yes I still have my days where I wonder how the hell did I let that happen to me but then I watch your videos and speak to my spiritual councillor and I realise that I have grown a lot more than him. Five years of emotional abuse, to much to write about here, but I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the positive impact that you have had on my life. Have a wonderful day and week. Charlene Nel, Cape Town South Africa.
Hi Charlene,
I am so pleased that I have been able to help you.
I’m wishing you power, love and success in your future.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Charlene,
How very very brave you are, so strong and capable too. These “Masked Demons” are in all walks of life and in all careers. Why do they always cry? It’s strange isn’t it? Is it the guilty, spoilt child in them that shows itself to us in the hope of tricking us into feeling ‘sorry’ for them. I’ve been through very similar experiences emotionally, but without having to look after a small child. I’m pleased you’re doing great, and it’s reassuring to here that and thank you for sharing your story. Take care of yourself and little one. Su xxx ( Newcastle, England)
Hi Mel,
Once again as always, you hit the nail right on the head. I’ve commented before but still not sure if the NARP programme is right for me or that I can afford it. I just keep reading and trying to be stronger every day and I think it’s working. I also had a psychotic breakdown followed by weeks of insomnia and a feeling of absolute deadness inside and outside. After doing some research from anatomy text books ( this was pre-internet) I suspected some kind of adrenal malfunction caused by the breakdown. My doctor virtually laughed me out of the room. He said I was clearly intelligent enough to get a job and that was his advice. I had to get a job and he would give me no more sick notes. It was ridiculous, I was really not well at all.
I changed doctors and I eventually got well by myself, mostly by deciding to try to live even in my limited state. I started running and exercising and I started to sleep again. I began seeing a psychologist and was eventually well enough to get on with my life. But of course I had barely begun to get to the bottom of anything.
That was all thirty years ago and I have just come out of the most horrendous narcissistic experience you can imagine. This was my husband (now ex) and various other family members. My husband has fathered other children during our marriage, I don’t know how many. I was oblivious to so much deception it’s unbelievable. I think I will write a book eventually.
My junkie ex-boyfriend appeared on the scene and I spent all my money trying to save him. I did actually get him out of addiction and he can now get on with his life which is great for him and his family. But we are no longer in contact and I have waived the debt, I decided it was the best thing to do for us both to move on. he had started treating me badly again and I just wasn’t going to put up with it.
My two daughters are grown up and I have a fourteen year old son with special needs who I home educate. At the moment things are difficult, he stays in bed a lot and spends too much time at the computer.
I want to focus on my children and my self-improvement. This feels good to me right now. The thing is having got over my ex-boyfriend (almost), and coming to terms with the amount of abuse from my husband, family and so-called friends (all having affairs with my husband) – As I write this I’m thinking who would believe this? After all everyone knows I’m the crazy one who ended up in the mental hospital. Anyway, I’m fifty eight years old and I have really just had enough of men and relationships. I don’t hate men, infact I will always like mens company. I just don’t ever want another relationship. I like my own company and always have done. After what I have been through I feel that any new relationship is just too big a risk.
If you read all this, thank you for taking the time. I guess I kind of want someone to say it’s ok to feel like this and if you don’t want another relationship that’s ok. I don’t feel I’m closing myself off, it just feels like the way I want things to be from now on.
Thanks for all your articles Melanie, you have no idea how much they help,
Sharron xx
Hi Sharron,
I’m so pleased that this resonated with you!
Please know that everything that you are thinking and feeling is perfectly understandable … and totally consistent with the significant trauma of what you have gone through.
Sharron, have you come into one of my free webinars yet to experience Quanta Freedom Healing? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
That may help you with that decision.
Sending you healing and much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel.Loved the blog .I have bought narp and want to say that I used your meditations because I’ve been having nightmares about my deceased ex husband (narc.) The meditations are fantastic and I recommend them to everyone here.I’ve followed you for many years and you have helped me beyond words Thank you Mel.You always feel like a really good friend .
Hi Michelle,
thank you and I am very pleased that you loved it.
I’m so pleased I have been able to help and that you are doing well.
Much love to you too my dear fellow traveller!
Mel 🙏💕💚
“If I go within, I will no longer need to go without.”
Hi Melanie,
Still after over 3 years I watch and listen to your advice and help. I met a man in August, on paper he ticked the boxes for me. I described to him my last Narc partner and how I had been healing myself for the past 3 years or so. I thought he understood that I needed to take things slowly…. I’ll not waffle on.. however , he continued to declare his love for me (after only 4 weeks) and say I had everything he needed and wanted, how beautiful I was inside and out. I was starting to panic and see traits of my ex Garry! And just as this new lockdown was threatened, he got worse. Saying that he wasn’t just going to see me as and when. I was in his bubble. He cried over this too! He had done jobs in my house for me, which I couldn’t manage, and I felt like I owed him. Anyway, he was video calling me every night and this was very draining anyway! And on the following evening I was talking to a friend on my phone, he kept ringing me and texting saying that I must call him asap. I said I’m talking to someone, id call him tomorrow. I called the next day and he went Wild! Saying hed not slept! And he babbled on about needing to see me etc and how he needed me. I tried to interject , as you do, but he yelled at me to SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! That was the biggest red flag!!! I told him in a message that I WAS NOT GOING TO BE SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT AGAIN! …. I’ve blocked his contact now. Did I over react??? That’s my question?
Thank you, Su xxxx
Hi Su,
Hun, please know so much of what you described – up to the “red flag” of “shut up” was already glaringly BIG red flags!!
Absolutely you did not overreact, you have dodged a bullet with a VERY unhealthy controlling person.
Please know I would suggest the deeper INNER work for you, to no longer have to go through these false flags of people, and get aligned with the healthy love.
Are you working with NARP? Because there is no substitute for the work done directly inside you, reading my articles or listening to my videos isnt the way to truly heal. These are supplements only.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
If you are working with NARP, then I would suggest to really commit and maybe even get guidance and support in the NARP Member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that you can get rid of these trauma programs that are even considering that you have overreacted.
I promise you when you heal them up, a man like him, that demanding, would have been “OVER” for you long before this stage.
And please know I am not saying this to be hard on you! I SO get it!
I totally understand because this is exactly the same type of clingly, demanding, controlling person I used to pair up with – until I healed those parts of myself that were bonded to such people. That’s exactly the inner work you need too.
That work is not logical or addressed with “information”
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Arh, thank you so very much for your advice and feedback. I will definitely look into that and progress with my healing. I had only known this man for 8 weeks. And I am pleased I got rid at the first big sign of his narsistic behaviour. Melanie Your a guiding Star for so many of us who appreciate your understanding and help. Takecare xxx
It’s my pleasure Susan,
I’m so pleased that this helped!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Amen.