We hear these words “narcissistic supply” a lot, and we may have even realised that narcissists need it and orient their lives around it.

But what does it really mean?

The truth is quite chilling and it’s essential to understand.

Narcissistic supply is a drug – it provides an emotional life force for the narcissist.

Like all drugs, “narcissistic supply” is chased for pain relief.

Like all addictions it’s the relief from pain that is addictive.

Addictions are a short term answer to being able to relieve oneself from emotional or physical pain.

The truth is emotional pain is often the most horrendous of all pains. Emotional pain is felt somatically in the body – and is usually more painful than physical pain, due to the self-annihilating beliefs about oneself that accompany it.

I discussed this in my article: How to Deal With Your Emotional Pain: The Right Way In Order To Grow and Expand.

Traditionally, all addictions are used to escape emotional pain and the horrendous accompanying self-definitions of, “I am worthless, defective and no good.”

Any energy that is sought from the outside to escape the fear of “self” is unwholesome, and generates more pain.

Such is the truth of a sex addict – who procures sex to avoid inner pain, or an alcoholic or a gambler, or a person engaged in any other addictive pursuit.

Like most addicts, the narcissist has to “mask” the addiction in order to get the supply. He or she doesn’t express to people, “I can’t stand being alone with myself. I need you to provide me with something / anything that takes me away from my inner self-annihilating self.”

In stark contrast, the narcissist strives to create a persona of confidence, charm and empowerment in order to groom others for narcissistic supply.


Why the Narcissist Has to Frenetically Avoid Self

The narcissist’s inclination towards addiction is horrific. All addicts have a reduced threshold to self-soothe – meaning to be with self to process emotional disruption and insecurities.

The ability to self-soothe requires emotional maturity and an “inner solidness,” which is reliant on healthy emotional development. Emotional intelligence is granted from healthy role models as a child, or self-created purposefully as result of inner emotional resolution and development work as an adult.

The narcissist is emotionally stunted – somewhere between the age of 3-7 years of age. Even though he or she may even be mentally brilliant in certain aspects, emotionally he or she is severely immature and has never developed. At a young age the narcissist “killed off” his or her inner self, deciding it was unacceptable and unable to get needs met, and developed a False Self replacement.

This False Self, because it is a false self is not real, authentic or stable. It is a childish fictitious character ever reliant on outside approval or attention. Because it is childish it is dependent, precarious and easily emotionally triggered. It does not possess the mature integrity of love, truth or loyalty.

The False Self is dependent on gaining validation that confirms its existence. This external validation is sought to avoid the narcissist sinking inside him or herself and feeling the truth of how the narcissist really feels about his or her existence,“The real me is a defective self that I despise and need to avoid at all costs.”

The narcissist’s inner being (the True Self) is damaged. When the cracks appear and the insane behaviour begins, this is the real person you meet. The inner self has trapped within it the festering accumulated wounds that the narcissist has tried to divorce him or herself from, by procuring narcissistic supply as the distraction.

The narcissist is engaged in constant self-avoidance.

These are original wounds that have never been healed. The literal abuse, neglect and mixed messages from childhood. The ineffective parental mirroring that did not allow the child to grow up with a sense of connection, safety, dependability, accepting and understanding limits, learning the ability to be resilient and self soothe, and learning how to delay gratification – which also created the inability to understand a peripheral of others, have a conscience or empathy, or know a reverence and love for self, others and life itself.

This is the basis of all addictive behaviour – a separation from self-worth, self-love and the ability to inwardly emotionally navigate life healthily.

If an individual does not have the inner resources, then they believe a sense of “self” must be provided by the outside world.

The narcissist pays the ultimate price of the disowned inner self being replaced by the False Self (ego). When the emotional going gets tough, the narcissist discovers he or she has only a shriveled inner being at the helm. This ineffectual inner being is defenceless when trying to fend off the self-annihilating Inner Critic, who confirms the narcissist’s gravest nightmare, “You are totally defective.”

The narcissist does not feel connected to, and loved and accepted by “existence.” He or she is suffering the ultimate spiritual starvation – which is the basis of trying to seek “self” in the wrong places. The wrong places means “the outside.”

This always brings about a feeling of unworthiness, scarcity mindedness, and the need to compete – the need to outsmart and the desire to win at the expense of someone else losing because of the beliefs of “not enoughness” “I am not enough” and there is “not enough” – therefore I have to be someone inauthentic and manipulative to try to win – and everyone else does this in a “dog eat dog” world.

That is the orientation of narcissism.

In the quest for narcissistic supply, people are reduced to objects. People are not individuals; they are just a drug to relieve inner torment. The pathology of maladaptation to avoid the narcissists’ inner wounds are so severe that these wounds are projected onto anyone else who is a target of supply.

The narcissist honestly believes these people are in fact the ones using the narcissist for narcissist supply.

Such is the twisted brain wiring, which acts as a buffer to preserve the narcissist’s False Self, and to continue avoiding his or her inner self.

“My bad feelings are always someone else’s fault.”


The Vicious Cycle of Narcissistic Supply

Like all maladaptation, created through fear and self-avoidance, there is a vicious self-perpetuating cycle.

This is true for any addiction.

The narcissist’s cycle is this: Inner anguish and self-loathing – seeking relief through outside attention to try to confirm another “reality” (the fictitious self) – not receiving feedback that adequately confirms the childish unrealistic demands of the False Self (an inevitable emotional hair-line trigger gets hit) – then more narcissistic supply is necessary to try to offset that narcissistic injury (the pain of inner anguish and self-loathing) … then … back to the start.

This is the spiral into total insanity, more pain and greater self-delusion.

As you see this cycle is self-perpetuating with no way out ….

The very definition of addiction is: when an urge or compulsion has emotional control over you. Narcissists feel powerless to control their urge to self avoid and seek outside attention to try to offset inner pain. It is a force that they have no conscious control over – like a parasitical energy which has a life of its own.

The truth of the matter is: the narcissist’s True Self (inner being) has been taken hostage by his or her ego.

A very, very good book to read, to grant you more information regarding the psychic virus of an ego run amok, is “Dispelling Wetiko” by Paul Levy. This book is heavy – and has a fair bit of psycho-babble – but nevertheless is a powerful account of the disease of narcissism.

Like all addictions, the true solution is consciousness. It is about humble and committed self-reflection (which an energised ego won’t allow). It is about addressing the core wounds that are fuelling the inner pain and the urge to avoid self.

There truly is no other solution for breaking the cycle.

The addiction to narcissistic supply is simply a symptom of these wounds – it’s how the narcissist’s wounds show up in every day physical life. The cause is so much more than an anxiety compulsion.


What is Narcissistic Supply?

Quite simply, narcissistic supply is energy – it is attention. It’s the knowing, “If I can extract attention from you, it allows me to know I exist.”

This may seem really weird – but if we can imagine that the True Self has been completely disowned and engulfed by a fictitious character of no real substance, then we can imagine how the narcissist feels. Sam Vaknin describes this feeling as being ‘dead on the inside.’

I have had narcissists (when I used to try to work on them with QFH years ago) tell me in rare windows of narcissistic injury – when the shock was so severe that their ego had momentarily crumbled – that they feel lifeless. Like their inner self was a huge black empty gaping hole.

The myth of vampires is modelled on narcissists. It is about the “un-dead” – beings not dead, but certainly not alive, and needing to suck the life blood of humans in order to exist.

I know it is creepy, but that is exactly what narcissists are – they need to suck energy and attention from people to feel alive in any capacity. And they need this distraction to try to drown out the inner screams of unworthiness, and defectiveness that are always threatening to emotionally eat them alive.

Emotionally healthy people are a source of their own good energy, which they bring to the table of life. This generates more good energy and expands life force. Narcissists are like a black hole sucking energy from life, as a bottomless pit. This is why they reduce, take and annihilate life force.

Narcissists, like vampires and parasites, are anti-life.

This is why, when a narcissist has targeted you as his or her drug dealer of narcissistic supply, you feel emptied out. Simply sitting with a person who is a psychic vampire, regardless of the “show” they are putting on, leaves you feeling emotionally drained and exhausted.

Initially narcissists are very good at reflecting back to you energy and making you believe they are supplying you with wonderful “energy” – but it’s set up to appear like that … and sooner or later the tables are turned horrendously.

As you more than likely have experienced ….

Narcissistic supply is all about this: “I need you to supply me with the version of myself I want to be, to escape the real self-loathing ‘dead’ inner version of myself.”

So this really means: “Give me something that lets me know I exist.”

Of course approval and acclaim is wonderful.

The problem is, this is sooner or later distrusted. The terminal issue is that narcissists loath themselves, and consequently don’t trust, believe or “like” anyone else either.

The “love” they feel for people is only the “high” of temporary relief from inner torment, which is NOT real love in any capacity.

As a result, inevitably the initial acclaim and high of narcissistic supply (approval) inevitably turns into, “Why is this person so nice? I know they are manipulating. They have an agenda; they are not to be trusted. They are setting me up to get something from me.”

So, the very approval the narcissist craves in order to escape his or her inner demons, is sabotaged.

But this still creates narcissistic supply, because the narcissist continues to avoid his or her inner self. Now this person is blamed for the very pathologies the narcissist suffers from. He or she is conveniently scapegoated for the narcissist’s painful unresolved inner wounds.

The goal posts get shifted, the narcissist starts poisoning, confusing, abusing – and the person who is “loving” the narcissist is severely wounded and reacts.

Now intense attention is granted.

The narcissistic now has A-grade narcissistic supply.

The narcissist receives the twisted delight in having his or her existence even more confirmed, “I must be incredibly significant to reduce you to this level of reaction.”

So many of us, before understanding narcissism, had no comprehension as to why a narcissist would so carelessly and purposefully stir the pot. When we understand what the total goal is – gaining narcissistic supply – we can understand there is very little value to the narcissist in creating harmonious, nurturing, sane, peaceful lives.

There is nowhere near enough drama in that to create diversions from being with self.

This is why it is so stock standard for narcissists to unexpectedly act out outrageous behaviour after bouts of things going well. When things get too calm, the narcissist starts sinking inwards to his or her wounds and needs to explode outwards away from them.

Please understand narcissistic supply is the use of any energy to know that they exist. When you start pulling away, this could be any tactic you could imagine.

The most common is any contact the narcissist does to get your head ticking. If the narcissist knows he or she can screw with your mind – this alone grants them the feeling of, “I exist because I know I can affect you.”

Any attention you grant – anything at all – just sucks you in deeper and feeds the narcissist. Any energy you burn on: why he or she said that, or did that, or what the agenda could be, or what he or she is really thinking, and so on and so forth, psychically, emotionally, mentally and physically sucks you dry.

If you are reading this article, there is every chance you know exactly what I mean – the feeling of being psychically taken over, and parasitically violated.


Objectification and Selling Out

Think of a severely addicted drug addict – what are they capable of doing? Selling their child? Some definitely are capable of doing anything to get the drug. One thing is for certain, the narcissist sold his or her soul out to serve the False Self long ago.

If you are connected to a narcissist, you are easily sold out as well. If you are not serving the False Self adequately, and you never can, nobody and nothing can – not the most loving, attractive or intelligent person, not the latest and best car, not the greatest riches, not the plushest penthouse … nothing will ever cut it – inevitably you will be devalued and discarded.

Like most hardened drug addicts, narcissists have back up supplies. After the initial idealisation phase wears off with partners, narcissists don’t get the insatiable “hit” they crave, and need supply in reserve – without loyalty, conscience or a backward glance.

Each object of supply, including people, is sought to get relief. Then like an entitled, never appeased child, each object is abused, broken and then tossed aside for another and another and another.

The False Self is insatiable and self-annihilating – that’s the purpose of the ego – it’s a virus. It destroys everything in its path and ultimately its host.

For the narcissist nothing ever lasts, there is never any commitment, love or loyalty. Everything and everyone is an object that will never make the grade, or produce real and abiding self-love, self-acceptance and inner tranquility – which is everyone’s reason for striving for anything.

The ultimate lesson for every human is this: these deeply desired emotions are states. They are never things we get, or people we get – they are not conditional on what we get in any shape or form – they are created by who we are being unconditionally as a state within ourselves.

They are deeply reliant and created only by the connection and relationship we have with our own inner self, regardless of what we do or don’t “get.”


The Narcissist and Co-dependent Similarities, and Our Healing

My purpose in discussing narcissists is not to put our focus on narcissists, believing that is the answer to our woes.

My purpose in discussing narcissists is to raise consciousness. In order to do that, we can only ever take responsibility for our own consciousness.

Consciousness is the ability to self-reflect, and to deeply work at the level of “No longer am I going to focus on what has happened to me – I am going to deeply assess and confront why this has happened to me.”

Evolving our consciousness entails taking 100% radical personal responsibility – it is the understanding there is only one thing we can ever affect and change – ourselves.

This is the only place where we have any power, to become the change we want to see in the world – one person at a time.

The more we point the finger to the outside at everyone else’s unconsciousness and don’t address our own consciousness levels, the more we contribute to unconsciousness.

I see this happen, time and time again in the abuse recovery communities. Intense focus on narcissists and nowhere near enough personal self-reflection or development.

We have no ability to change narcissists, and quite frankly no power or right to, because the narcissistic is not “us.” The only ability and right we ever have is: to change ourselves. That is the ONLY place our power lies.

If we don’t work on raising our own consciousness, then we will continue to attract narcissists, and be damaged by them, regardless of the logical information we know about them.

Life’s attractions, interactions and lessons are not being created at the level of the logical mind, which is always looking “outwards” and is intensely unconscious.

Our personal life experience is being generated by the subconscious currents that drive our choices, attractions and encounters. This is the 40 million bits of information that is being processed per second in your unconscious, as the powerful generator of your life, not the mere 40 bits of information per second taking place in your logical mind.

No-one would logically choose a narcissist – and I promise you that you certainly did not, just as I didn’t.

To become conscious, we need to be aware that everything and everyone in our life that is hurting us is showing us an aspect of ourselves that we haven’t found, acknowledged, and healed yet.

This is the “why” this happened to us.

There are many powerful healing reflections we can understand from the narcissist’s insatiable need for narcissistic supply – all generated from the urge to get outer approval.

It is very empowering to take responsibility for where we matched up to this.

Where were we struggling to confirm, accept and love self? What levels of deficient unconditional love did we have for ourselves? Where and why were we making our feelings about ourselves reliant on other people “seeing” and validating our worth for us?

I did a healing session with a lovely NARP Member yesterday, and her deep beliefs that appeared, which we shifted in the healing session were: “My survival relies on other people’s approval.”

This lady is not a narcissist. She has a conscience; she does not purposely manipulate or lie. She would never knowingly hurt anyone – yet of course she has hurt herself many times.

She has suffered feelings of emotional powerlessness when people haven’t approved of her, and she has hung on for crumbs with abusers. She has said “Yes” so many times and handed her personal power over, when “No” would have been self-loving and self-honouring. She has also struggled with addictions to try to ease her pain of this personal emptiness and powerlessness.

Can you see the direct match up?

Her simply learning about narcissists would never be her answer. After her first narcissistic abuse experience she became an expert researcher. She knew all there was to know about narcissists, yet she found herself smack bang in another narcissistic relationship.

Naturally the only true solution is the healing of her inner wounds that are matching her up subconsciously with narcissists. Fortunately that is the deeply committed inner work that she is determined to do, because she has had enough of the continual cycle of her faulty painful inner beliefs generating with life the validity of those beliefs.

Such is the power of the 40 million bits of information being processed per second within us. Our ingrained emotional painful beliefs play out to the letter, until we make the unconscious conscious, and heal them.


The Blind Spots of Unconsciousness

My client and I had a very interesting conversation at the end of the session yesterday about unconsciousness. She acknowledged that she has always felt like this since she could remember.

What this means is: she never knew any different. The anxiety was always there, the precarious self-loathing when people didn’t approve, or didn’t grant her feedback that made her feel valued, and the powerlessness of clinging on to trying to make abusive people grant her her worthiness.

Then came her total understanding that her mind kicked in try to manage these wounds. It looked outwards, and created stories. These stories go like this: “I’m really upset with the way you treated me,” or “Why do other people always get chosen and I don’t?,” or “I know you are horrible to me yet I still want you to acknowledge me, love me and look after me.”

In other words, if we remain unconscious, we all fall into the dire illusion that it is the outside creating our pain. Which is a totally false premise, because it is the inner faulty beliefs that are responsible. Life and others are simply stage-players playing out the scenes that produce the validity of these beliefs.

My client was going to approach her boss, over her dismissive treatment yesterday. Just like she had been confronting the latest narcissist about his treatment of her. Fortunately now she understands her true solution is the healing of her painful inner belief systems.

Her emancipation was always about meeting herself.

The truth is this – the battle we are doing in this Community is NOT a war against narcissism. It is a proactive movement to up-level consciousness.

“Wars” don’t work. Whenever we push back against something, all it ever does is energise it, confirm it more and feed it energy to push back harder.

We are never going to eliminate abuse and narcissists by doing that ….

Narcissists are pathologically unconscious. The narcissist has no ability to go inwards, face and deal with original wounds and up-level the very reasons as to why he or she projects inner wounds onto others and blames people for them. The narcissist is not going to heal his or her original inner wounding and break the vicious self-defeating cycle of trying to gain validation of self from the outside.

We will never force the narcissist to, and we will never protect people by focusing intense energy on narcissists.

The only remedy we ever have is to heal our own unconsciousness so that we are never again a match for another unconscious person.

When enough people do that – narcissists will no longer be able to groom “the outside” for supply. Conscious people simply do not get picked off by energetic predators.

You can only get picked off by a narcissist if you have the blind-spots of your own unconsciousness.

Powerless unconsciousness means holding someone else responsible for your own blind-spots.

Something we all need to deeply understand is: the more energy and focus that is granted to narcissists and narcissism grants narcissistic supply. It enables them and this horrible virus to exist.

Detaching fully and channeling our energy into the up-levelling of our consciousness starves narcissists – and without our energy to parasitically feed off they can’t exist.

The true healing solution always was, and always will be, raising our own consciousness.

I appeal to you to please share this article … because it is information that can assist the abuse recovery community on many levels.


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316 thoughts on “What Is Narcissistic Supply?

  1. Hi Melanie,
    Thank you so much for sharing your insight and knowledge regarding healing. I suffered a 9 year relationship with a N at my workplace. It has been brutally painful. Of course he hit on me while I was unhappily married. Luckily have had enough self respect to prevent him from totally destroying me before I wised up. I started researching and found you. I want you to know how helpful you have been. I’m so grateful to realize I’m not the only one to get fooled by a narc, it wasn’t my fault, and most importantly, it no longer matters who he is or why. What matters is who I am and what I can do to change so I will no longer attract other unconscious vampires. Knowing its right to stop putting energy into understanding the narc abuser is a relief. Now I can put more energy into changing myself instead. It makes so much sense! Thank you a million times over for what you are doing. Yes! Little by little, let’s teach everyone to starve these narcissists of supply! That would be awesome!

    1. Hi Laurie,

      you are very welcome, and I am so glad I helped.

      I am always SO HEARTENED when people like yourself drop the victim model and understand the truth.

      The crazy thing is, every time we did pour energy into narcissists we felt the draining away of ourselves… when we are going on forums and continually talking about it, or continually reading about ‘them’.

      This only starves ourselves of development, healing and creating our own genuine lifeforce!

      Absolutely, absolutely my greatest joy and wish is to raise consciousness, because this is the ONLY way we can stop this insanity of abusers /abused.

      Mel xo

      1. Melanie,
        In response to
        What Is The Number 1 Thing that Motivates a Narcissist to Do What They Do?
        I am in recovery from a 2 part nightmare with the same abuser.
        The first time was in 2006 and lasted less than a year before he disappeared.
        I will spare the details but it left me in a state of depression I thought I would never recover.
        I spent years thinking and trying to figure out why this man who claimed I was the love of his life just left.
        I missed him and even though I sought therapy I was never educated on what really happened so when he suddenly reappeared 7 years later with all of the warning bells going off I was in deep with him again.
        It did not take long for him to sweep me off my feet, proclaiming his love for me, how much he missed me, lets be together forever, an engagement ring.
        Promises, promises. All of them broken.
        Lies, drama, triangulation left me spinning out of control.
        I finally researched and learned what he is and have been true no contact for a month when he decided that he was moving. He planned it and told me after he was already packed to move to another state.
        I had a breakdown.
        I am on medical leave from work and am getting much better.
        I read, saw a psychiatrist, psychologist and read, read and read.
        I was not until I read your email today that I finally received the answer I had been seeking all along.
        I needed to know what did he want from me.
        I now know. Finally I know.
        I had an idea but to read it in the way you presented has set me on a path of freedom and a journey of self discovery that I will never look back from.
        He was not the first, all of my relationships..every single one of them have been with the same man. Just different faces.
        He is the most disordered of them all.
        I feel free for the first time in my life.
        I have much work to do but I now know.
        I read your ebook “How to Do No Contact Like a Boss” after a recommendation from a fellow blog writer and there is no looking back.
        Thank you so much.
        I look forward to the upcoming webinar!

        1. This is so close to my story it’s scary. Including the line that all of my relationships are the same man just different faces and this last the most disordered. Most profoundly now I feel scared. Maybe I don’t have the capacity for self reflection that is required to up level. It’s day 3 of the latest effort of no contact. Ten months after physically leaving the relationship. The thoughts of the strange cruelty and of the man himself are never far away. I need help.

          1. Dear Sarah,

            I understand. I understand the incredible pain you are experiencing. But, darlin’, although it may not feel like it now, let me reassure you, that you not only absolutely have the capacity for self-deception, you have the inner power to heal. Yes, it is excruciating. Yes, it takes time. I see this post is from October and I wonder how you are. You have found a tremendous resource in Melanie. Sweetie, you are so not alone. We are all learners on this pathway. I encourage you to be very kind to yourself. You will be fine. You ARE capable of accomplishing this and all of your other goals. Never give up on yourself. You are beautiful and soon you will see that again. There IS hope. There IS a Light at the end of the tunnel . . It’s the END, baby! Much love, your fellow traveler, Bethie

          2. You do have that capacity Sarah we all do . I’m no contact 9 days and my day’s are up and down however I do know I will never go back ever .

      2. Since the winter of 2013, I have been in an intense state of emotional pain. Pain that I never imagined could come from inside me, and it all stems from one experience with one women who literally fed off my energy and all I could do was stand up for her thinking if I did she would care about me, but she never did. In fact, she hated me and I misread it for love. She thought is was funny and she was in a position of power. That in itself makes me feel foolish. So tired of being here. I have gotten better, but my mind just keeps going over it. I knew a lot about addiction to alcohol but I never saw how I was addicted to abusive women or set on staying alone. I was stone sober for many years when I was triggered. I asked doctors, therapists, friends and anyone else to help me understand why I felt so bad and why I couldn’t see this women was no good for me, but I didn’t get any real answers. I knew she was damaged when I first met her. She said strange things while I was in her class. All my wisdom got me attached to a woman who could care less about me. The less she cared the more I tried to get her to care and she got off on it. She got off on watching me suffer. In the end my life was forever changed for the worst. I don’t trust or like professors. I don’t trust women. I look at them different. I see them as dangerous. I have been told that we have to go down to go up. We have to fall apart to get better. Well… if that is true then it is up from here because I have found the bottom of my soul. I searched and search. I spent way too much time talking on the phone with friends, trying to talk it away but that does not work. Even thinking about her is like a crappy drug to me and she just isn’t worth it. I have empathy for her. I know she was deeply hurt but I agree Melanie. All I can do is fix me and I don’t really believe I can do that. At least not in the way I have been going about it. When I found your site and other information about narcs and co dependents I felt hope. But I am still in hell.

        1. I’m in hell too Jon but worse hell would be to bear it alone. we don’t. The narc told me many times Suffer in Silence. I was raped not by force but by his future faking and phoney ego self. He told me shortly after that I was nieve to think anyone would mean the nice things he said to me. It’s criminal and he laughed and I cried and he moved on to rape again. We can do this by learning to love ourselves

        2. Jon,

          I hope you are doing better. I know it’s years since you wrote this, but I want to share with you in case you still seek help. Have you looked into EMDR? I know you can get back to yourself. Don’t give up. There are healing modalities for everything. You just have to find the right one and give it some time.

          I practice “I am enough” which Marisa Peer teaches. It is pretty powerful. Yoga and meditation too are great. Not sure if you have tired it, but might be worth looking into too 🙂

          Best of luck. Much love. J

      3. Melanie,
        This article is so completely and extremely accurate in its description of life with someone who is NPD, it is as if you were with me for the past 6 years, and wrote down EVERYTHING that transpired between me and my very best friend. This gal, I thought, was the closest friend I had ever had. (as it turns out, I discovered just how codependent I was) But, this article IS how it turned out. I am GOB SMACKED.
        I want to thank you so much for your work. I have HEALED tremendously, and I now completely understand my former mate.
        God bless you!!


      4. i dont understand a lot all i know is my mother hasnt been wot i expected a mother to be .ive felt like this from as long as i can remember mainly from about age 14 and on always helping her with our mixed up family and step father,many ppl thought my baby brother was mine as i looked after him so much .im the eldest such a long story being overweight and her introducing me to ppl saying this is my daughter see how big she is but i love her i was devistated beyond belief. also my marriage was horendous and for 24 yrs i put up with being controlled etc and to this day my mother doesnt and hasnt helped me at all even with my children. theres no relationship between them and she blames me. lies about me and i dont know wots real anymore. i have anxiety and depression and all i wanted was love and acceptance and her to be proud of ANYTHING id done. i realised mothers day after another argument where she says i forget things need help am emotional etc thant im never going to get wot i desire. how do u really fix the feeling of being an idiot mental useless overweight ugly no good for anything stupid woman. ive lived with it my whole life. i then found a man i fell in love with gave me everything emotionally then changed a month or so b 4 he got his visa and left me. no hepl visit or support from my mother at all. even had spinal surgery and shouldre surgery and shes never visited or called me or offered help told me my 19yr old son will have to step up. offered to take me to hospital appointment sat there with the dr and made a time and never came to get me. i never contacted her but mothers day was again about how i cause all of her life problems im ranting but sooooooo confused ive been told im not crazy but she makes me believe i really might be. iv cut her off now i cant do it anymore thanks

        1. Sara,
          Your story is so similar to mine. Recently found out my mother is a narcissist. I am the scapegoat daughter, my sister is the ‘golden child’….this pattern has also passed given to our own children. My sisters daughter, she treats as her own…my kids get fed her scraps of love…she never wants to know. She blames me for this and says I have turned them against her. As she blames me for everything else as well. Caused so many issues trying to control my marriage too…we are now on the verge of divorce…our marriage just corroded after so many years of her manipulation. Trying to cut her off…but lose all my family in the process as they don’t buy into my theory and think I’m the crazy one. Then won’t speak to me. Have tried for years to make my family ‘work’ as wanted my kids to grow up into a loving secure family…but had depression etc last year due to constant upset with my mother….now thinking I may have to think of cutting my mother off so I can start healing….so glad I found this blog as it all makes total sense and makes me realise I’m not the crazy one after all!!!!

        2. You have my sympathy. I always knew my female parent was nuts, thought it was Paranoia because of the defensive and secretive behavior. I recently looked at other sites b/c I have a co-worker with NPD, Lo and Behold! – on one of the sites there was a photograph of a young girl curled up on a chair and scowling, in a fit of anger. That was literally the last time my family saw her, except she (at 88 years old) was rocking in the chair just like a child. She wouldn’t speak, but our guess was that she was threatened by my family’s unity. I called her after that, she told me to shove my phone, and hung up every time I called.
          As for my “upbringing” she abused me physically (forced to kneel on dried beans) and mentally (took me to a doctor trying to convince him that I was nuts). I had a very difficult time adolescence -she scolded me for having women pics under my mattress and drove away any girls that came to the door. She followed me to a bus stop and derided me in front of classmates.
          I almost got tossed from H.S. but ended up in college. Unfortunately, I had to leave b/c I developed social anxiety BAD. I had to work through the anxiety, which took years. No shrink, just forced myself out in public.
          The Good Lord smiled on me and I eventually ended up in a career from which I retired. I ended up with the second wife (she interfered with the first marriage), which she resented. She also resented that my son graduated law school, and I returned to and graduated college at age 56. At a family gathering, she boasted to family that she killed my pet turtle by spraying insecticide on it, laughing about how long it took to die. Oh, BTW, she was NEVER WRONG about anything.
          Because of my resistance to her control, she went around the will and gave my portion of the estate that Dad earned to my younger GOLDEN brother. 4 years younger than me, he acted like a child to get mommy’s approval. Pathetic!
          Out of 3 brothers, the oldest got crapped on by this nut job similar to me, one brother was the GOLDEN boy until he was institutionalized, the youngest became the new GOLDEN BOY. He left his 2nd wife for a gold digger. The chickens have yet to come home to roost in the new love nest, though.
          I am glad that my female parent eventually suffered a stroke and lost her will to live. Probably the luckiest break I ever got in life was when I realized about 15 years ago that she was nuts and took steps to avoid her and disregarded any advice or opinion of hers. If she said black, I thought white. Good luck to you.

      5. I recently was thrown out into the street by a “Sweet” narcissist. We were together for 2.5 yrs. and at first she was the dream woman that I was always looking for. She classically set me up for Supply and when there was no more to get she discarded me. I have totally disconnected her. I had to consistently not react to any of her advances. All she got was silence. Two days after she threw me away she was on a dating site looking for the next one. In anger I messaged her and told her that she hadn’t wasted anytime finding a new host. Of course she blocked me but it was very satisfying for me. Later, I realized that by doing just that she got another hit. Now, as far as I am concerned, she does not exist and if I run into her I am a stone. It hasn’t happened yet and I am going to have to be very strong. Her ex-husband of 26 years is really screwed up and he has no idea why. I sent him some of the info from this site. Hopefully he will now be able to gain some understanding. I just met a woman and we are having a “casual” relationship. No commitments, just companionship and fun! My life is coming back to me because the NPD was isolating me from the life I once had. Fortunately I am already recovering and the info on this site has helped tremendously. BTW, the ex husband has subpoena me for cancelled checks that I gave the NPD for rent etc. Apparently they own the house together and she was not to have anyone living there because the ex hubby was paying almost 3/4 of the mortgage. He is going to get his lawyers to throw her out and get total ownership of the house. She has destroyed so many people with her disorder. Maybe there will be some justice. I am washing my hands of all of this. When I get feelings of hope, doubt, sadness, etc. I just verbally say to myself, “She used me, she deceived me, she lied to me, and was never capable of loving me.” It works for me and reminds me that she was a facade. All my feelings for her have slowly diminished and my mantra works for me! Good Luck to U all!

      6. Proudly partially survivor of my narcissistic ex wife. She drain me with my finances and energy in last 5 years and finally all of sudden without any notice escaped.

      7. Melanie,

        I GET IT!!! You lay it out so clearly….

        i just wanted to understand all this “insanity” and you have cleared it up so beautifully. My husband is the “nice guy/victim” narcissist. Had no idea what was being said and done behind my back. Smearing me with complete lies. Grateful I discovered it all with hard evidence and am out of denial and confusion now.

        I hear you loud and clear…Stop focusing on all the sneaky, shady, two faced things he does to obtain “Supply”. It’s not about me!
        Stop pouring energy into him and feeling the draining away of myself…oh yeah…definitely have done that.
        Stop looking to him for approval, emotional safety and security…LOOK TO MYSELF!!!

        Keep working hard everyone and listen to Melanie….read what she says over and over until it really sinks in!!!!


        Thank you so very much Melanie

      8. Ive experience this 24years of marriage and still married to a N.. I must wonder when things is so calm and happy and peaceful when is his next bad mood gonna strike.. And i know exactly when it happens.. And then, every happy few weeks is down the drain, like you say then everything things starts over again..

    2. I am trying to get my head around all of the lengthy verbiage. Is this saying that what is being projected onto us is what we unconsciously feel about ourselves? (Those inner unconscious wounds?).

      What we see in other people good and bad is a mere reflection of ourselves?

      So we can not heal, until we “take care of ourselves”. Heal our own inner wounds.

      If this is so, then how do we do that? Firstly, by becoming conscious of it and then?

      Simplify, Simplify, Simplify

      1. Hello Kate. Good that you are wanting to understand about how N affect people.

        We get involved with N and other toxic people because we have unhealed wounds inside us and we want something from other people that we won’t provide for ourselves. Although it does not seem that way.

        We get involved with the N and he/she will appear to be the man/woman of our dreams and we will feel as if we have met our soul mate. Then when he/she has us hooked, we begin to see who these people really are; psychic vampires who suck us dry.

        Anyone who has been involved with a N for any length of time outside of the honeymoon period will start to feel that they are slowly losing their self-esteem, are becoming sucked dry and used mercilessly.

        Attempts to leave the relationship are often failures and thus begins the merry-go-round of abuse, devaluing and discarding, then the hoovering and it goes back and forth for often many years.

        In order to heal, we need to realise that all the N does is show us where we are wounded. Once we are healed, we do not attract such people into our lives any more and we go on to experience fully empowered and joyous lives that are very different to what we knew with the N.

        The reactions we have to the N replicate all the feelings and wounds that we experienced as children but do not know we have inside. The feeling of love that we have for the N is really addiction. We are as addicted to the N as other addicts are to alcohol or cocaine or heroin, except it is 1,000 times worse because along with the addiction come all those self-devaluing beliefs and feelings that we have about ourselves.

        In order to heal, we need to go No Contact and stay that way. All those people who have managed to stay No Contact and commit to healing all their inner wounds, do end up healing. Many people do not though.

        So, it is a process of making a decision to heal. That is the first thing. Next, No Contact. Next, do bodywork like the NARP programme and kinesiology to dredge out all the wounds energetically. N-abuse causes a peptide addiction and cannot be healed by talk therapy or anything cognitive. It must be healed energetically.

        Not sure if this has helped, but I have been doing NARP for about a year and a half now. I was in a very challenging N relationship and felt as if I was being destroyed piece by piece. I am now in an entirely different place, have healed a lot of internal wounds and now have a peaceful and happy, joyous life free from toxic people and situations.

        1. All of these replies have to do with husbands or boyfriends. How do you handle a son? Can you talk a little about that? I have never had a problem with boyfriends or a husband that is narcisstic. Been married for 41 years. My husband is wonderful! It’s my son. What do you when it’s not a spouse?

        2. I don’t think in my case it’s because of internal wounds that had to be addressed..
          .I had a wonderful upbringing with two most loving parents….I was a caretaker for my folks and gave up 12years of my life…no time for social,so when they passed I I Iwas ready for romance and to find love…upon meeting a man I briefly dated on Facebook fourty years ago we met and that’s where it all began,..had I known that he had NPD I would have never gotten involved.,but because this disorder is so tricky with all the phases,and if you know nothing about NPD….you are Blindsided,…like one minute it’s Paradise and next thing you are wondering “what the hell is going on”?…Am I in the Twighlight Zone???

      2. Hi Kate,

        the answers…yes you have all of it correct.

        You need a process, and unless you have studied hypnotherapy or kinesiology or some other subconscious communication tool modality – you can’t just do ‘how’.

        The ‘How’ is to engage in a process via someone with the knowledge and tools, who has done the arduous training to help you.

        Such is work you can do through NARP or find a specialist to help you in person.

        Mel xo

        1. Melanie. I love what you share but often try to understand your words. Can you please simplify in the fewest words the article that you have written? I tried to do the same and you said yes to all above. Is it really this simple? (We are merely the mirror image of the good and bad we see in others) But the letting go and rewiring of the unconscious (of the bad) is the biggest step? Please explain. Thank you!

          1. Hi Kate,

            Our unconscious emotional programs generate our life – for ‘good’ or ‘bad’ depending on the programming.

            Our subconscious generates 95% (usually) of our life from 30 years onwards…

            Therefore to change our thoughts, emotions, choices and interactions (manifestations) we need to work directly on our subconscious.

            The next step is Kate is to do that – our mind can’t grasp it…which is what yours is trying to do.

            It has to be experienced and then it is deeply understood..

            You can’t understand, before the experience of working on yourself which brings forth the somatic visceral knowing.

            Make sense? Because you could try to grasp it in your logical mind 100 times, a 100 different ways, whereas you have to live it to know it.

            That’s why you can’t ‘grasp’ it yet.

            Mel xo

          2. Melanie, last night I met 3 friends for dinner who I have known for 40+ years. Had a great night as usual. However later in the evening I spoke of my experience with my ex, hoping to get what I needed ‘sympathy and validation’. One of my friends listened and listened and then she said “Why are you keeping this alive Loui? It’s happened, you dealt with it, left him, came out sane and haven’t suffered financially, you did not allow him to alienate and lose you your two adult children, your family and your real friends. It’s done! It is only you who is giving him energy and keeping him alive”. I was hurt at first, but something happened. I went home and read as much as I could, no longer about narcissism, but something I had read online about A question the blog asked was “what happens when the fear and pain shifts?” Reply: “Miracles, literally, that’s what happens. These miracles include everything, property, children turned against us, smear campaigns and any other nasty drama that narcissists do”. I read this blog a few weeks ago and although I found it very interesting I never really understood what this ‘shift’ was about. I want to make sure I understand this time and I need your help to do this. When I replayed my friend’s words, I had one of those “moments”. My relationship with the narcissist IS OVER, it was over when I made my decision 7 months ago to ask him to get the hell out of my life. I knew then that he would put me through hell, the shaming & blaming me, telling me I was nothing without him & my life would not be better without him in it and I WILL live to regret it etc.. Because of this, I knew that I COULD NEVER allow THAT nasty person back into my life again. I’ve gone through the hoovering, I resisted each attempt, even when the emergency call came that he father was hospitalised and may be dying. I can’t say it took strength to not answer that emergency call, I simply had no wish to return to him or into his family. I had no intention all throughout to go back and give him another chance. I gave him one chance 3.5 years and he failed miserably, no more chances from me. That is how determined I have been. BUT – Here is the BUT – even though he had failed at destroying me mentally, financially, turning my adult children, family and my (only mine) friends against me, it was still torturing me. I talked about it, thought about my experience a lot, I was very angry with him still and I could not get rid of that pain in the pit of my stomach that still after 7 months kept recurring when I thought of what was and what could have been had he been ‘normal’.
            That is until last night when my friend asked “why are you keeping him alive by giving him energy?” Today I read your blog that confirms it (I think I got it right). He no longer matters, he doesn’t really exist and yet I am keeping him alive because I need to blame someone else for the position I am in. I always knew he was mentally unbalanced in some way, why did I not do something about it when I first realised what I was dealing with? I could reply, the security, company, the holidays, the interesting people I met etc.. Now I know it was fear of not being a part of someone else’s life. HE knew exactly my weakness and he played on it. HE actually told me what my biggest fear was – the fear that I was nothing unless I had him (the life of the party) by my side, and that my life without him would not be better. Yet, something nagged at me. A few months ago I was late for a dinner. After I arrived HE performed and got the restaurant ‘bopping’. As we were leaving a woman said to me “Louise, before you arrived we could not get a word out of him, he was pathetic, he was pining for you and as soon as you arrived he seemed to get a burst of energy”. All this time (10 years) I had myself convinced that he made my life interesting when in actual fact, it was me that gave him the energy to be who he wanted to be.
            This is where I think I had that ‘Ha!” moment. I am still giving him that energy even though he is no longer in my life. I haven’t felt safe to let it all go, I still needed his drama to make my life worth living and yet before I met him I had a profitable business, raised two wonderful children on my own, was financially independent and relatively happy with what I had achieved. I was strong, I did it all without him, I experienced his way of life and I rejected it, it’s done and I now have to face the fact that yes, I am alone, but I no longer have to constantly watch my back to make sure I am not stabbed in the back nor cheated on and that has freed me to concentrate on me now and ask myself “Why did I allow it to go on so long, what was it that I needed from him when I knew I had survived quite well without him for 50 years?”
            The way I understand it now is that I need to go back to my childhood and understand why I would shrivel up and want to die, whenever my parents, my siblings or anyone hurt my feelings, isolated me for being different, bullied me into compliance, made me ashamed to think out of the box and challenge their beliefs, to fight for the underdog, in other words to be ‘different’ from them.
            I realised last night I need to go back to those times and not the last 10 years as these 10 years have been the result of my needing others to validate my existence. Last night I felt that old ‘feeling’ of shame when my friend challenged me with her questions. Why did I feel that old feeling still? I’m a 62 yo adult now not a child. My loyal friend was trying to help me, and in no way make me feel ashamed or put me down. As I said, I went home and reflected on my feelings and I realised I trusted this woman, I knew she wanted to best for me, she loves me and treasures my friendship and would never say something to deliberately hurt me.
            The way I understand it is that when old fears and pain shifts, miracles can happen, literally. I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was “I am so grateful that I am me, I have survived, I’ve taken a hit, but I’ve come out of it knowing I’m going to be ok because over the last 7 months on my own I have changed my life and without him I have begun to thrive. I have a lot of work to do still, but today I feel that I have finally ‘let it all go’, the anger that was directed always at someone else, the fear that I may fail on my own, that I am nothing without someone by my side whether they sustain me positively or not. Is the miracle, the ‘shift’ really as simple as that, or am I missing something again? It can’t be THAT simple surely? I hope you can reply to me, I want to head in the right direction from this point on and your reply would help me tremendously to know that I’m heading in the right direction. Thank you Louise

          3. I have just read Louise’s post and it has helped me so much. Thank you Melanie and Look use. You have both helped me so much this morning. My experience is so like yours, Louise. I too am 60, consider myself a strong woman and have achieved so much in my life but have been literally struck down by ‘my soul mate’ overnight and totally discarded in an instant. Our relationship had existed over 7 years and he discarded me after 2 years when I dared to get out of bed to make breakfast for a friend who was staying over. He declared that my place was in bed with him. He calmly got up, had breakfast with us then walked out. I went to see him and pleaded etc etc……crazy stuff happened which I won’t bore you with here. I was distraught and desperate to keep the relationship going but he initially cut off very cruelly, just before Christmas. Then, red roses on my doorstep and a card ‘Despite it all X X’ on my doorstep. Guess what – I went over to see him to find him in bed with his previous ex….. But the occasional emails, with just a little hope, then a put down, kept arriving and I encouraged them, the flowers after an operation I’d had, and finally the invite to meet up again…….And I believed his stories of his undying love for me, the most gesticulating, wonderful woman in the world….look at how every man is jealous of me when I’m with you….etc etc. Despite finding him, by accident, with the previous ex, yet again, on a night when he ‘didn’t see me’ I forgave him. And things seemed to work for the next 18 months, getting better and better, so I thought, as long as I gave him sufficient ‘intimacy’ – which, it turns out, was never enough. I retired from work to spend more time with him – again I could never give him enough ( I care for my elderly father) and things seemed to be getting better. We were making amazing plans for the future and had just got back from a fabulous holiday. To cut a long and painful story short I found out, again by ‘accident’ on the night I brought him out of hospital, he’d had sex with a woman he’d just met the day before he went into hospital for prostate removal. It was of course all my fault because I didn’t give him enough ‘intimacy’….. Overnight I became a none person in his life and the new woman moved in to look after him the next day. He wrote to me to say, didn’t I agree that it was the right thing for him to do because I’s abandoned him without a care plan……And yet this morning I was still wondering ‘Is he a narc?’ Melanie, you have made me realise that it doesn’t matter what I call him!! It’s about the deep wounds in me which I must take time and work really hard to heal. I’m scared of being 60 and on my own. But I’m not on my own because I have me, and I will look after me. I did your Workshop 1 exercise last night and have been in tears ever since but I now know what I need to do. Would you believe I wrote a message to him this morning and was about to send it when I decided to come here. Thank heaven I did. Bless you both – Melanie for the tremendous support you offer, and Louise for letting me know it is possible to let go and thrive.

        2. Hello
          Like Kate, I am also confused on how to HEAL myself when I know I am co-dependent and have always attracted unhealthy relationships. I DO NOT want to keep repeating this pattern, yet I admit I have a hard time loving myself and have been insecure as long as I can remember. How do get to feeling “good enough” when I deep down have never felt good enough??? I don’t even know where it came from because no one else in my family has insecurity issues.

      3. My feelings exactly as Kate’s. Too much wordiness gets in the way of the message I am seeking. Trying to understand the narcissist. personality could be easier if explained in simple language. I think that my mother was a narcissist, but not sure because I don’t quite get the interpretation. I do know that a man I thought I loved was a narc because his actions were outlined in lay language.

    3. Powerful article, Mel. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about the feeling of being psychically taken over, and parasitically violated. I was told (convincingly) that I was sick, my daughter was sick, my therapist was wrong, my friends were sick and I was sick for having the friends I had. I was being slowly isolated as the narc presented himself as my only solution – and set me up as a source of supply. It was the psychic invasion which thankfully wised me up (after about a year). I set a few boundaries in place and told him that I would terminate the friendship should he not respect them. The response was interesting: nothing short of narcissistic rage – terrifying to be on the receiving end of that. I terminated the friendship immediately.

      I am now happily on my Narp journey and my life is improving in leaps and bounds. I currently know the meaning of serenity and feel more grounded within the past two months than after 20 years of therapy. Thank you! 🙂

      1. I have just dut off my narcissist after being told I am crazy, have tunnel vision and because I got angry am a lunatic. My best friend has been warning me that this person is a narc and tiem for me to get out and after 2 and 1/2 years I am…I found this site and am so thankfully. You are not the sick one..and I too have been on the wrong side of the rage..it is ugly and beyond vile the things they say and then in a flash try to convince you it is you. He has taken so much energy out of me for all this time and 5 lbs of weight loss in a short time (recent), heart palpitaions which now that he is gone, have abbated. They truly are vampires and can charm you to death…literally.

    4. The N that triggered me into getting into NARP was the most other-addicted person I ever met. He was unable to be in the house on his own. If he went out to a show at night, he told me he would wander around the streets looking for people to chat to just to avoid going back to his empty house. He had recently split from a 10 year relationship) He made it very difficult for me to leave the house, on occasion locking me in when I tried to leave. At first it was flattering but very quickly I got very scared. I thought maybe this is what people mean by codependence. I always thought that was a very slippery notion but I could see this guy was driven by an addiction to other people/phobia about being alone. I love my own space and enjoy solitude so we were a match made in hell. it made me think of that serial murderer in ‘Killing for Company’. A true story where a man used to pick up runaways for sex and became upset when they wanted to leave so he killed them so they couldnt go. I bet he was a narcissist too. I guess I drew this N into my life because my husband had died and I was running away from my grief at the time. We were a vibrational match very briefly. Also the N had traits similar to my mother that damaged me and I thought I had recovered from but I obviously need to revisit. My sister is similar to this N I was with in that she has made it very difficult for her kids to leave home because she fears being on her own. tough on the kids, they are in for a battle.

    5. This article is very confusing and hard to understand. Can’t you talk in normal people speak? I’m having a hard time following this. My question is.. why do you have such hatred for a person like this who is sick with it through no fault of their own? They can’t help it! I feel sorry for them and hate that they get bashed so badly for something they didn’t chose to be. I’m having a hard time figuring out if my son is a Narcissit, an alcoholic or both! I know for sure he’s a terrible alcoholic. Could it be that he’s just an addict? Is there a fine line between being an alcoholic and narccisist? I’m not sure if my son fits into this narcissit disorder. I believe him to have Anti social personality disorder. Do I deal with this type of person the same way you would deal with a narcissist? I’m confused.

      1. Becca,
        Half the article talked about how the only power that is real is self awareness. Everyone has the ability to become self aware, even the narcissist, and deal with their issues. As a child, the narcissist may not have had much of a choice. As an adult, they have a choice to see the destruction they cause, and take responsibility for it, and deal with their real hurts. It’s not easy, but it is possible. Their fault or not, as an adult, it’s their fault for not dealing with it and becoming a better, less destructive person.

      2. Becca,

        I feel the same way. I feel for the N. It wasn’t their fault they were abused and had to create a faulty self. It’s sad that as a kid this happens to you and you simply don’t have any control or power to help yourself. My husband is a N and if this didn’t happen to me I wouldn’t believe this behavior was for real. I wish I could help him but I can’t. I had to leave I couldn’t take his raging, cursing, devaluing, and lies. Oh well it’s something in me that attracted him. Time to do the work so I can change my vibes. Survived a Narc…

      3. I have struggled with the same dilemma, but what it comes down to for me is I am compassionate and forgiving until they cross the line and start hurting other people because of it. Help is available to just about everyone, no matter what your level of income. Few narcissists believe they need help though. As for whether your son is an alcoholic or a narcissist, mine was both. As stated here in several articles, narcissists don’t like to be alone with themselves and their thoughts. They need constant distraction. That’s where the alcohol comes in I think. It numbs their pain and feelings of insecurity.

      4. Hi Becca;
        I think anger towards Narcissists is generated because of the harm they cause; physical, emotionally, financially, and mentally. We are targeted as the ’cause’ of their pain and are abused in a variety of ways to ‘pay’ for that abuse. But anger also masks pain. The pain of the breach of trust, loyalty, etc. often done by Narcissists who have no empathy and are incapable of recognizing people as human. Instead, they’re utilized as tools or the temporary fix or supply to escape their own inner pain. I feel for your situation but truly, from what you are dealing with, your son would need some professional help and he would want to do it otherwise it won’t work. As a Mom, of course you’ll want to show support but it’s going to also mean you’ll need support of your own. Just by acknowledging your son has some major issues rather than making excuses for him is fabulous. Alcoholism is an ‘escape’ like all additions are to avoid dealing with the pain in their lives. Men in particular have a difficult time discussing and even finding support to deal with these issues but there are definitely programs out there. I’d suggest finding your own support group like ALAnon to find out how you can be supportive while at the same time keeping your own sanity. Honestly, the one person whom I knew was an alcoholic and recovered through a recovery program was actually blamed for a lot of issues he wasn’t responsible for and couldn’t deal with. He was not the perpetrator but rather the recipient of abuse but by becoming an Alcoholic, the issues were shifted to what he was doing. Afterwards, unlike a Narcissist, he was able to identify his own issues and problems and to apologist profusely AND BACK IT UP with changed behaviour. If you ever got an apology from a Narcissist, it’s never heartfelt and never results in changed behaviour.

      5. Wow! Anyone who hurts himself or others and does not plan to stop or who can’t stop has to be stopped. It’s your son yes but everybody else deserves love too. Good luck.

    6. Thank you! I agree with Lauren 100%. My constant researcg to make sense of this 4 year on and off again love affair led me to so manny places of knkwledge and revelations to figure out mynsrc and why I knew to run away, but couldn’t. I didnt want to desert him wanting to help him fix him. I realize I was feeding my own pain and abuse from him ss much ax he wanted me to believe he loved me , we only have an addiction. Now, I need help revovering. I also realize that I have suffered through having a narccistic parent. I need this forum and you.

    7. So much sense, you are right, I too am starting to understand, I need to work on me so I never attract another N because this experience was the most painful thing I have ever dealt with. Of course the N hit on me when I was going through the ver ends of a divorce and not feeling very good about myself, he was also still legally married, he would talk about crazy wife, no sex, blah, blah, blah, we were together 5 years, he told me he was never so happy, showered me with attention, gifts of all kinds, trips to everywhere and then just when things were really good and calm, he started the “devaluing and then eventually discard phase pushing me to actually break it off with him. After I broke it off, I found out that he had been with sine one else the last six or seven months of our relationship, he was already “grooming” a new victim, there were never any heartfelt apologies, nothing, like we never existed, so horrible. I have started to see a therapist and I now understand I need to work on me a lot to make sure I am “conscious” and NEVER ever attract one of these N again as it almost destroyed me. Thanks so much for the author of this article and for your story. This article was EYE opening more then any other article I have read so far on the subject, thank you, thank you, thank you Melanie.

    8. Hi Melanie

      Thank you for your articles on Narcissism. After being dumped 12 month ago by an ex boyfriend, he found another victim. All the behaviour of an abuser is displayed by your articles, the programmed and planned execution of the abused. Yes I have suffered, as he has manipulated the medical profession as well as his friends. The woman who he is dating now will be much worse off than me, he mentioned this to me that he will dump her in 2 years time. I have tried to talk to her, subsequently she blocked me. When I read your first article I found myself on the first step of healing, that was my getaway car. Since then I have spread your message throughout my Facebook friends who are dealing with toxic people and divorce. Thanks to you my life as realigned, I do yoga, excercise and have nutritious meals.

    9. Proudly partially survivor of my narcissistic ex wife. She drain me with my finances and energy in last 5 years and finally all of sudden without any notice escaped.

      With your such articles, I have regained my confidence to heal myself with visiting any harpist. Very be depressed and feeling anxiety 24/7 for long time but now getting back to life.

    10. Hello Melanie,

      Quite refreshing reading your post ,trust me dealing with my inner wounds have been the most enlighten discovery..yes I understand who or what the narcissist is… Honestly what is of great concerns to me is living my life from inside out. This few days of reading your post have been quite helpful,please I want to join the community and begin to help people around me. we need to spread the light of self consciousness.

      1. Hi Idu,

        That is beautiful you wish to join this incredible community.

        Please know Dear Lady by you tending to you inner consciousness you will lead others there in droves.

        So within, so without.

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

  2. Terrific! You explained it simply yet succinctly. Thank you for this one, Mel.

    Oh I was in such agony initially, as is so common. I read many articles, some of which simply stated “don’t take it personally”. I was quite insulted by that notion – how could I *not* take it personally!? The verbal and emotional attacks, the betrayals, all felt incredibly personal!

    A year out now, I understand. It really is not personal. I could have been anyone, and he’d have behaved the exact same way. It’s akin to being with a black hole. There is nothing and no one that can fill it.

    A mature, healthy adult is not threatened by bumps and dips in the evolution of a relationship. As the honeymoon phase wanes, or when there are misunderstandings or differences of opinions, an emotionally intelligent person does not attempt to eviscerate their partner on every level imaginable. I am grateful that I did walk after only one awful incident – but from the beginning I sensed an imbalance/fragile ego yet proceeded with the relationship! No healthy, conscious person would have done that!

    The NARP has helped me in so many ways. The modules will continue to be part of my life as lessons and triggers present themselves.

    I can honestly say that I now clearly understand the purpose of my experience. I am grateful that he turned me towards the healing path I need to travel. A year ago I could never have imagined saying this – but he was an incredible gift from the universe! Just not in the way he thought. 😉

    1. Hi Deb,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      Truly, it is only when we meet our own unconscious and inner wounds that we deeply start anchoring into the truth.

      That there is no ‘outside’, rather everything and everyone is simply presenting reflecting back to us what we are generating from our own internal belief systems.

      Which is a gracious and all-loving aspect of Life, and our souls, giving us the ability to evolve.

      If we don’t pay attention, then the signs get louder and stronger until we do pay attention.

      Such was the whopping great billboard of the narcissist.

      I ADORE that you deeply, somatically understand now the purpose to this – and are eternally grateful for ‘being given back to yourself’ through your narcissistic experience..

      As I am also!

      Mel xo

  3. I didnt read this immense text, but i dont know, i think people in general make to much fuss about their problems.

    Things are much more simple than people think when they’re down. Not to mention that i a narcisist is evil for being narcissistic, the ‘victim’ is being evil too, cause its unfair to lay your burdens and insecurities on others, for them to solve.

    Bottom line is, when adults, we should always tale responsability for what happens to us. Not condemning ourselves for sure, but admitting that we are the rulers of our lives in the majority of the time.

    1. hello melanie and everyone,
      my husband, from whom i am seperated since nov, 2014 because of abuse and my only daughter who is 37 are both N and have both physically and emotionally abused me…
      now i have no family and no friends…a five yr old granddaughter who lives with me half of the yime because her mom, my daughter is an N and a drug addict…
      my problem is since we all share my precipus granddaughter i can only achieve modified no contact..all my counselors are encouraging me to keep the child safe and loved as i am the only safe, normal person in her life…
      when she is with me i know how much she misses her grandfather and her mother…my counselors want me to go full on no contact and get guardianship of my grandchild…
      i do not have the money or the energy to do court battles…i am 67 and suffer many physical ailments plus the anxiety, depression and c-ptsd from 44 yrs of marriage…
      andfrom the knowledge that i might could have saved my only child from her horrendous present mental illness had i only left my abuser when she was very young…its hatd to forgive myself for that! also i am very lonely with parents both dead…
      any suggestions from anyone that will help me be strong and not give into my daughters incessant pleading to live herewith me…she beat me up less than 2 weeks ago and was arrested…but atill blaming me for provoking her and hitting back…the granddaughter witnessed it all…
      i certainly dont want her to become like her mother, an N and an addict…
      please can someone help? i only have a pittance to live on every month and right now, so far, my husband is paying my ( our) mortgage so i am still financially dependent on him
      thanks for listening and responding…sheila

    2. Filipe,

      I don’t know where you get off blaming the victims as if it is their fault that they got abused. I have been through this and I did not nothing to deserve it. You sound like a NARC yourself.

    3. Your advice is right but people know very lately that they has been trapped. Every one has different level and capacity to look at the issues and at times circumstances compel to give some chances to relationship in the hopes but when time is gone people to awake and had to take hard step to get the peace in life.

  4. Yes, definitely needs to be shared! So eloquently put. And I never thought you could explain narcissism in an eloquent way! Well done, Mel!

    1. My heart goes out to you Sheila..i have almost the same problem..only my daughter is taking my grandaughter down with her..and she is now abusive to me..thank god her x husband has his son and is normal…..i hope !!!!!! as a lot of damage can be done just them watching and hearing the abuse !!!!! i am so lonely without my daughter and wished i hadn,t spoilt her..and done things differently..if only i knew about NARC then..she is full of hate and rage, and i worry myself sick about her…so i know what your going through..it,s such a sad situation and our hands are tied..nothing in our power can help as they do not listen or take advise..and even tho i don,t hear from her..i always ring them only to end up in another lot of abuse..i feel so sorry for them and us…….take care…

  5. Truly excellent and dead-on article, Mel!!! It all speaks to my experience totally, and provides greater understanding. The thing that I am still struggling with (and using NARP modules 4 and 5 to help with) is the pain of feeling that the N causes his sources of supply such intense pain and damage, and then discards them and goes on to the next victim without suffering pain or sadness or guilt! I remember vividly the honeymoon phase with my ex-N. It was mind-blowing! Passionate and exciting and deep and romantic – ecstasy! It just hurts so much still to know that he will go on to have that again and again with duped woman after duped woman. Where is the justice? It almost seems at times as though the narcissist has a pretty good deal. We know he has essentially killed his true self, but he won’t ever see that, or see himself or his behavior as wrong, so I’m not sure how or when he will suffer. I guess all I can do is work to get to the point of not caring about all that, and only caring about getting myself and my life straightened out. Thanks again, for bringing such brilliant illumination to the issue of narcissistic abuse and recovery from narcissistic abuse!! Stefanie

    1. Hi Stefanie,

      There are several things in this…

      So let’s start deciphering. All of the pain we feel, and non-acceptance we experience, is always to do with false beliefs – no exception.

      The first false premise is that your happiness and wholeness is dependant on what other people are or aren’t doing.

      The first inner identity shift I would do is this: Set up the Goal Setting Module in NARP with “My happiness and wholeness is completely independent of who others are being or what they choose or do”, and shift all of your resistance to that.

      The second false premise is that anything can happen to people that is not aligned with their greatest soul desire to evolve.

      These women, just like you, manifested a narcissist into their life all for the ultimate purpose of their unconscious wounds becoming conscious so that they could heal them.

      He is not doing anything ‘to’ them. He is doing it ‘for’ them.

      I would, as your next step, set up the Goal Setting Module with: “Everything is in perfect and divine order for the purpose of everyone’s divine evolution” and then clear all of these persistent painful feelings you have about these women.

      The third false premise is that you believe the narcissist gets off scott free.

      Please understand, the narcissist is maladapted. He honestly believes that HE is the victim. Everything he does to people he believes is done to HIM.

      What this means is the trauma, the victimisation, the emotional agony is all being absorbed by his inner being, adding to the original wounds of victimisation horrifically – with NO way out.

      The truth is ALWAYS the only energetic reality that stands the test of time. The reality of the narcissist is: dire inner wounds and traumas that keep accumulating and never heal.

      Regardless of the scrounging around and trying to frenetically avoid this reality – no matter what tactic the narcissist takes – there is no avoiding the truth and the inevitable HAVING TO ‘meet self’.

      Can you imagine that day when there are no options left, no more energy to extract supply, and the looks and the charm (the mask) no longer exists?

      Use those two shifts I suggested and then check in with where you are at.

      You will have then cleared faulty human beliefs, which are generating your anguish, and you will be much further down the path toward claiming and being Who You Really Are.

      Blissful, whole and free…

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you, Mel.

        I have copied your reply and your suggestions into my email, and I will definitely try what you suggest.

        Also, I noticed that a couple of people mentioned the length of your blog articles. I just want to say that I LOVE that they are long, because they are absolutely so thorough and comprehensive!!!! I don’t know how you do all you do, but I’m sure happy you manage:-)


  6. Thank you so very much . I am learning everyday to know myself and my needs .to avoid of being nac supply.what i learned from your written articles ( i live in Iran and i don’t have the chance to meet you or to join to join to communities which working on this subject live an together)saved my life in last months and almost year. I was going to be destroyed of inner and emotional pains and i didn’t know about “Why “. But after learning from you ,everythings, changed. Thankyou so much for what you are doing . Thank myself because of need and wish and search for change.

    1. Hi Goli,

      you are very welcome.

      Please know Goli this IS a global community. It operates on-line.

      The NARP Members are all a part of an incredible forum community where the most incredible levels of deep, trust, sharing, healing and ‘family’ take place.

      All NARP Gold Members – no matter where you are in the world – have access to this and myself personally.

      I am thrilled that you congratulated yourself for your need and wish and search and change.

      Because that is always the most important step that opens the door to exactly what you need.

      Mel xo

      1. you talk a lot about NARP and modules! I don’t know what this is. I must have come late to the party! lol And I tried signing up for your webinar or whatever it was but its full. I need a start. A beginning. Where do I begin? I’ve been getting these newsletters but I have no clue where the forums or anything are. Where do I begin to look so I can start understanding?

  7. dearest melanie…..
    i have written to you a couple of times and you have helped me see clearly how and why i remained with a “N’ for 40 years……..i have been no contact for over 2 years…..and i have been feeling so much better about myself and have felt a deep freedom and sense of accomplishment
    my big problem is my youngest son….he has taken a terrible turn recently, it has probably been going on for quite awhile but i was not conscious….he has turned to drugs and is homeless….he is in his late 20s so i have no
    control in forcing him to a rehab center ….he has broken off contact with the family (siblings)….he is still in touch with his ‘n’ father peripherally
    …his former friends have broken off contact with him and have put a warrant out for his arrest and i am at my wits end…..of course, i am blaming myself and how could i have put him in this terrible position ….an innocent child watching a poisonous relationship his entire life…..i am in another country as are the rest of his siblings….i am going to my first al/anon meeting…i cannot reach him and he is living a life of crime….his siblings have no contact with their father and understand what a narcissist is.. …..my youngest has chosen to try and ally himself with his father…i am so sad and distraught….this was a sensitive caring child who saw so much pain, he has to numb himself, he is an addict ….i don’t know if this is the proper forum to write but you have opened my mind a and heart to so much…i thought maybe you would have some insight..thank you melanie for all the enlightenment..i am in the dark

    1. Hi Lauren,

      I have addressed exactly your issue many times on my blog posts…many, many times.

      Lauren I went through something almost identical with my own son…and again I will emphasise this.

      There is NO ability to help our children until we deeply heal ourselves, and then we can.

      Every energy we have on ‘how broken they are’ simply feeds that, locks it into place and does not assist them in any shape or form.

      Lauren this is my strongest suggestion to help your son. Get on NARP and work at healing all of your traumas of abuse, guilt and also work DETERMINEDLY at releasing all of the fears and negative emotions you have about your son.

      Also, the Goal Setting Module in NARP is the specific tool to change your emotional set point about your son, and to clear all of your fearful, painful energy that is in resistance to him being well.

      Then I PROMISE you with all my heart – he will get well – miraculously.

      Because where a mothers energy goes, in relation to her children, is where their energy goes.

      Without exception…

      Lauren it HAS to start with you, and you will have every support on NARP with the many other people who work this system – to experience that miracle – for you and your son.

      Mel xo

    2. Hi Lauren. I read your post and as a mother, I thought to respond. I have a 26 year old daughter whose father is a narcissist. Soon after she was born I entered therapy and was able to get in touch with all the deeply buried wounds inside me and heal many of them. As I did this, I broke generations of conditioning which meant that my daughter had a very different upbringing to mine and also that of my siblings, nieces and nephews. My siblings did not do any of this inner work and they are suffering greatly and their children are the products of another generation of toxic beliefs that have not shifted.

      I thought that I had healed all my inner wounds and after the initial healing of many inner wounds and being able to feel all of my feelings for the very first time, I was able to enter university, study for my degree in Teaching and manage my life successfully for the first time ever in my life.

      My daughter was able to experience her feelings and thoughts and received a lot of nurturing from me as she grew up. However, her father is a N. He was very abusive to her as she was growing up and this is something that she will have to resolve for herself at some stage in her life.

      We had a painful falling out when she was 19 and she left home. She had enough of herself to be able to manage life in the outside world. We have not had much contact with each other over the past 6 years.

      However, she did receive the benefit of that healing of me that happened when she was a baby. She has a life that is wholesome and full and rich and of her choice. I still continue to heal and there were still a lot of issues for me to heal that only came to light during a recent relationship with another N. I attracted him into my life because I still had wounds and could not set strong boundaries.

      Slowly she is coming back and our interactions these days are entirely different. My hope is that as I continue to do NARP and heal, this will in turn impact on her because she is of my DNA. As I heal me, that provides room for her healing. It is all energetically-based.

      When she left home, I did not realise how much more of me there was to heal. My N was a gift because he showed me exactly the nature of those wounds that needed to be healed. As I have plugged up those holes, my life just gets better and better and I keep visualising her having a happy and whole life.

      She got married last November and she has married a young man who she loves very much. They are like peas in a pod and are best friends. It is lovely to watch how they are with each other. There is no drama in their relationship and they support each other very well and have a lot of life that they share. They are both teachers and love music, are vegetarian, don’t have tv in their home, ride bikes for transport … so many things in common with which to share their lives and they help each other grow to be more full human beings.

      So, as we heal us, the children can heal too. We cannot do anything about anyone except us. As we heal, we remove the generational bonds that destroy us. If you work on healing you, that will have an energetic impact on your son; of that I am convinced!

  8. you hit the nail on the head w/ your description of the N stealing energy. I also felt like he put his bad energy into me in the process. Its taken me 6 months to feel release from that, working through it, but it feels so good to finally get through it. I like the way you explain how to up level, I had figured that out on my own but never knew what I was doing other than feeling the emotion (intensely) to let it dissipate. over and over again. till it was gone. you explain it so well. thank you for all the help you are giving to everyone, you are a true blessing!

    1. Hi Jamie,

      you have brought up a very important point – yes we can fully embrace and emotion to dissipate it – however there is a much more direct up-levelling process to release the energy out of our body and replace it with a far greater power than our limited self.

      The second process is far more effective and powerful, because it instantly shifts ‘that’ state of our inner being (the one we are targeting).

      You are very welcome Jamie.

      Mel xo

  9. Mel
    Thank you for sharing your insight. There is something very empowering when someone is telling my story so I understand what actually was happening. This makes total sense. A marriage counselor that we saw at my ex N’s request confirmed that he is in fact an N. She also said that he has something else mixed in with the N but didn’t get to see him quite long enough to make the other diagnosis.
    I am in anguish over my son now 17 years old. He went to go live with his dad and wife number 7 this past school year. His father the N told him some things that were very inappropriate to cause division between us and now my son does not call me or text me back. His grades dropped from a’s and b’s to f’s and missed over a month of school this past school year since he went to live with his dad. He is working at his dad and step mom’s business and dad does not seem to care about our son’s education. It is so heartbreaking to see my son get derailed at this stage. Our son was with me except every other weekend from the time the ex left 14 years ago until this past Oct. His father really seems to be doing a number on him for him not to return my calls or text messages. He had another son from his first marriage that he discarded like garbage. I am deeply concerned for our son’s well being. Since he is not returning my calls I thought about calling his dad but after reading your article I thinking it might not be a good idea. I don’t know what to do. Any insight you have would share would be greatly appreciated. Thank you Mel.

    1. Hi Teri. It can be a challenging time when our children go down seemingly destructive paths. What I do know is that as I continue to heal myself with NARP and also use kinesiology to clear out all the wounds in me, it has an impact on my own child. I can do nothing about her father who is a N, and can do nothing about anything except me.

      My daughter is slowly starting to relate differently to me these days and she and I are starting to connect in a much healthier way. Her dad has not changed at all and I do not have any contact with him. I did see him briefly at our daughter’s wedding last year and he has not changed one iota.

      I have continued to heal and to create an empowered and peaceful, joyous new life. I keep visualising her having a happy marriage and life and she does have that. I do not need her to be anything for me and I am sure that as time goes by, our relationship will improve.

      Looking back, there were unhealed wounds in me that I did not realise I had and it is only in the 6 years that my daughter has been away from home that I have realised how many of them there were to heal.

      My daughter does not contact me very often either. Her father still maligns me to her and this was very evident at her wedding. He gave a speech. It really triggered me and was not true. I did not say anything about this but took all the terrible pain into the modules and cleared it. In the end, all the wounds come back to what happened to me and the beliefs I created as a young child who needed to survive.

      Now I am a grown woman and these beliefs do not serve me.

      Heal you and you will be energetically paving the way for your son to heal and not have to carry the generational wounding throughout his lifetime.

  10. Melanie – for mine, this is the greatest article you have ever written. The narrative and sequence of it is spell binding, for it was identical to my experience. Right now I am sitting poolside in beautiful Bali (I know you love it too) and it has allowed me some powerful reflection time. Also time for some great reading, including Addiction to Love by John Moore, which goes a long way to explaining my own issues – the role I had to adopt as a child and how it not longer serves me. Just like your final chapters (above), the focus comes off them and onto us – and this is a powerful moment. I no longer think of my Narc other than in terms of parasite / vampire…but rarely a memory or image. I reflect more about this incredible journey I have embarked on and how it never stops. My consciousness knows no bounds and I am so grateful to have been awoke to the pursuit of my own authentic self and to be aware of my own schema and dependent behavaviours. My thanks again to your constant presence through this trip and your ever-timely and stunningly structured and written articles. God bless. Selamat jalan! x Blair

    1. Hi Blair,

      yes I do love Bali, and Thailand.

      I have a trip to Thailand in October, and can’t wait.

      Thank you for your lovely words.

      Absolutely the time of transformation and ‘coming home’ is when we put full focus on healing ourselves.

      It is divine when we start to realise how the growth, joy and freedom is unlimited, and just gets better and better.

      Mel xo

  11. Hi Mel,
    Wow you write sooooooo well!!! Here, here to you!!!
    I still have sooooo much work to do on myself yet, but I am getting there bit by bit every day.
    I wont be able to stop myself in emailing the link to this to a few gorgeous people I know who could do with a bit of “Mel” inspiration to redirect their focus. If I can help inspire them via you, as you have inspired me, that will be a bonus.
    Love and peace

  12. Thank you Mel, I have been on my recovery program now for the past 2 years and have worked on myself with the help of all your Narp programs and E-books. I have really turned a corner and when I feel I need a re-boot I redo a program…. I am now putting the word out there and have become member of your affilliated group on my web site so other people can find you in another place.
    Everyone who suffers from their abuse should find you as your articles are priceless and so so helpful..Thankyou Mel
    Cheers and Blessing to all on this journey to recovery, stay with Mel and your will find yourself….again. xx

    1. Hi Jan,

      that is so wonderful that you are doing the deep inner work and committed to evolving yourself.

      That is wonderful that you are passionate about helping others find their way to truly heal also.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  13. hi Mel,
    I listened to the webinar and that night and next morning vivid memories and feelings of the narcissist resurfaced. I’m guessing my first shift was my body purging some of the junk from 18 months ago? Also when you asked the very first question, I didn’t feel much and then there I saw a little glow, like the flicker of a candle flame coming from my heart which quickly disappeared again. It was as if it was saying yes I am still here but I am very weak so I rated it a 2. The first time I played the webinar I fell asleep because your voice was so soothing! I haven’t felt so relaxed for a long time 🙂

    1. Hi Karen,

      That one shift in the webinar is simply the tip of the iceberg.

      There are many, many shifts in NARP that are necessary to exorcise the narcissist out of our being.

      The more you do the QFH process in the specific modules in NARP, the more trauma you clear out, and the stronger and stronger your Inner Being becomes.

      Mel xo

  14. Your article actually brought back a memory of a conversation with my N ex. A conversation that illustrates perfectly the contrast between narcissist’s inner self and the False Self.
    Me: “If you suddenly met your own twin, exactly the same as you inside and out, would you let that person be your closest friend?”
    N: (I haven’t even finished saying the word “friend”, so it was an instant reaction)
    “No, no way” he replied, with a kind of confused/disgusted/afraid look on his face.
    Me: “See? You wouldn’t.”
    Then a strange transformation seems to have happened, his face kind of “lit up”, like he was day-dreaming.
    N:”No… I would actually love to have a friend like that. I’d love to have a twin, I think I could trust them totally.”

    Also, there was a phase when I tried to help him, I wanted to know what was going on and on inside his head and then we had this conversation:

    Me: “You said you can’t stand being alone and you feel like you might go crazy in an empty room, when nobody’s there.”
    N: “Of course I have a right to feel depressed or sad when I’m alone! It’s not your business anyway!”
    Me: “I’m not saying you don’t have the right to feel like that…”
    N: “Well maybe I wouldn’t feel like that if YOU did something. It’s YOUR job as a wife to make sure I don’t feel like that! If you were maybe more compassionate (and the list goes on)I would feel just fine. It’s all your fault that… that I’m so neurotic!”
    Me: “You can’t expect other people to fix everything for you, in your emotional life. Well, life in general.”
    N: “You’re so selfish! See, YOU drive me insane!”
    I’m so glad I’m out of this. I started to note down many conversations and then re-read them when I was making the decision to get out of the relationship. It helped a lot and then I was 100% sure what he said and when, especially when confronted with his usual “I never said that!”, “I don’t remember”, “oh I meant something different”.

    1. Hi nive,
      The denials and making others responsible for everything for them is just so familiar. I would be in torment so often then, but so lucky that I understand the N disease better now, thankfully the swapping of stories and articles from Mel exist.

    2. Hi Nive,

      correct! The conversations you described are stock standard narcissistic.

      The crazy making of nil inner recognition or ownership and projection.

      Thank you for sharing.

      Mel xo

  15. Dear Melanie: Reading this particular article ….. draws me back again into the confusion / belief / denial that I myself, may be narcissistic. I’ve been a member of NARP for over a year, and find the modules relieving and helping me heal. I don’t know why I always go back to the self-doubt, or is it my codependence that is triggered by reading this ….. I need to do more work; I thought my trust and confidence was growing, but I think I’m kidding myself ……

    1. Cathy, I hope this helps. Narcs never ask themselves if they are a narc. Therefore, you cannot be one, it is as simple as that. Maybe you have other issues to clear, NARP can help you with that, quickly and effectively.

    2. Hi Cathy,

      that is a belief you really need to target to clear…directly

      Use the Goal Setting Module “I am at One, and a part of Source / Life / God, I am Light, Love and Truth” and clear all and any resistance that comes up.

      Then you will find and clear the reasons why your Inner Identity has beliefs stuck inside you about being ‘bad’..

      Then you just won’t struggle with this anymore..

      Mel xo

  16. Hi Melanie,
    Thank god for your site and blogs…thought i was going MAD …i am still in a relationship with a NARC and am at the end of my tether..completley drained and feel i am going to have a breakdown…not only is he NARC also ALCOHOLIC (RECOVERING). ANGER PROBLEMS… EX DRUG ADDICT…ALSO ADDICTED TO PAIN KILLERS….He came from a bedsit and was on £70 a week disablement allowance …I fell for his charms ect and was happy to share my home and my love .to him and help him back on his feet….TO FIX HIM ….he was still drinking..and managed to stop him (From time to time ) he got work and felt better in himself ..once he was up..within 3 months of our relationship , he then went back on drink asked him not to..and reply was I am back the old me !!!!!! on returning from shops or wherever….he,d be drunk..i pulled him up about this..and he said he was going out and took my car keys i had a go at him, and tried avoiding him putting his shoes on..and he turned…threw me on bed nelt on my chest and was strangling me with the most frightning look in his eyes…i begged him to stop and said sorry…..and apologised several times..just to keep him calm…he showed no remorse what so ever..i was so hurt….the drinking kept happening and i was to frightened to argue and always got verbal abuse and still let him stay..one day i did tell him i couldn,t put up with his verbal abuse and was frightned of him..this he didn,t like..so the charm came back and i was sucked in…..now 13 years on before i knew about NARC which was him that mentioned it…everything adds up..the flirting,no emphathy for me at all, and yet for my friends he always had a loving arm around them when they had a problem, i confronted him about this ..and just got a cold look from him…i told him my needs, and said i felt like i was just like a mother or carer to him…i still put up with all the abuse a few slaps around the head..the drunken rages where he would throw things at me and i would run and litrelly wet myself with fear…i have been spat at in the face and bullied..he made me feel worthless, weak and an unlovelable person..he plays mind games with me especially when i was happy in myself or laughing with friends..he knew how to get me back down…i suspected him having an affair with a best friend of mine..(who had lost her husband) WHO ALSO WAS A FLIRT AND HAD NARC TRAITS) I didn,t take much notice of it as i thought NO SHE WOULDN,T NOR HIM DO THAT..But he changed as soon as she found someone..he was in total shock when i told him ..and he changed in a few split seconds from being normal to being sad..he didn,t want to know me in bed..and actually said I FEEL LOST???? In the morning his hands were in his head bent down..i asked what the matter was, and he said i don,t know was just thinking of what to do to-day..he was moody and withdrawn..we went out with her and her new boyfriend and then he seemed o k…saw a few signs of her still flirting with him..and lots of other things too many to mention..it seemed when i confronted him..and he denyed all of my suspissions (THAT HE PUT IN MY HEAD) He started to have panic attacks drinking on the sly..headaches and was like a lovesick child when we fell out with them..over somthing she blamed me for..and treated me so badly and didn,t even apologise, after i had taken her under my wing for nearly 2 years looking after her..although she was desperate to be with someone anyone….i said i was going to ring her and call her bluff and tell her that he had confessed..as i couldn,t take the silent treatment , drinking, abusive,one minute nice and the next horrible always sticking up for her even after the way she treated me..and saying no reason for him not to like her..his head would go down if ever she was mentioned..or saw her out..i could feel the tension in him..it was so bad..on saying that he got drunk and said i would make a fool out of myself and what people would think of him ???? nothing bad could be said about her..so i made him go away for a few weeks and on returning he came back worse that he went away…saying that he needed me couldn,t live without me i was his crutch ect…felt guilty,and depressed..this has been going on for the last 6 months..driving me mad..as in deep thought..listening to sad love songs ..sapping all the energy out of me….we speak a little about his NARC and he said wished he never told me..so i now i think on what i have researched that is he lost his supply !!!!!! don,t know wether something did go on!!!! or a fantasy ????? but as she has all the signs too i really beleive something went on !!!! i will never know…the other day i just mentioned something she had said about me which made me angry ..and he went into one almost in tears holding his head..and saying how do you know she said that..leave it..I HAVN,T GOT OVER IT YET ????? OVER WHAT I SAID..REPLY..I DON,T KNOW……AM I GOING MAD OR WHAT..had a talk i said (CHOOSING MY WORDS CAREFULLY) we are not making each other happy..and he replied no we are not he will leave and be back to his old self and wanted to find himself..saying all this in a harsh way..i said it was sad ect..but his eys were cold and angry.. i thought i would keep him sweet as we had friends coming over till he decided to leave..and now he is all over me thinking nothing was said and also after telling me the chemistry had gone between us the day before..so now what now… HE HAS NO MONEY NO HOME AND WE LIVE ABROAD..SO NO BENEFIT…I KNOW HE WON,T LEAVE TRIED SO MANY TIMES..BUT FRIGHTENED TO TELL HIM TO GO..AS HE WILL GET REVENGE..ALREADY HAD POLICE TAKE HIM AWAY WHEN HE TOOK OVER MY HOUSE 6 YEARS AGO AND I COULDN,T GET BACK IN..So had to get court injuction to get him out of hoUse and back to England,,and he returned within 3 months..different town ..and when he had no money who picked up the pieces…yes ME STUPID ME..AND WHY DO I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM AFTER SO MUCH PAIN HE HAS GIVEN ME !!!!!!! AND WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT HIS WELLBEING AND NOT MINE !!!! I KNOW IT CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS AS WE ARE IN OUR 60,S AND I ALSO READ THEY GET WORSE WITH AGE !!!!!Oh yea said i was the one playing games WHAT TO DO NOW ????

    1. Hello Inagony, here are your questions:
      And here are the answers from a survivor and now thriver: You have not yet healed your inner wounds, you are still seeking confirmation and acceptance from the outside, you still do not set proper boundaries, you still devalue yourself. You can all change this by doing NARP, Melanie’s wonderful self-healing program. I suggest you start sooner than later and there is a whole community out there who will support you. Once your fear and agony is gone, and it will, quickly, you are on your way out of this living hell towards the light and back home to yourself I can assure you. Don’t waste another day in there.

    2. Inagony,

      I second what Christine replied to you because it is the truth.

      The HUGEST turning point is when we stop trying to focus on, work them out, research WHY they do that – and fully put our focus on researching HOW I can get better.

      Please watch my video series so you can understand what is happening to YOU..and how you can heal YOU and get out of this nightmare of your trauma..


      And please also take your time to read the NARP Page which also has vital information on it as to why you are not getting well yet.


      If you need more, to realise what is really going on, and that you HAVE to focus on healing you, then I would love you to join in my Webinar next Friday.


      Mel xo

      1. Thank you Melanie i will do that..i also didn,t mention my late husband ( i beleive now ) that he was also NARC only just past these 4 months or so, after doing my research so that,s why i thought it must be have been ME with a problem after all thses years..and to top it all my daughter who is 36 now with 2 children 16 and 12 ,,has all the traits..she treats me so badly abuses me and says horrible things to me, she was an only child and i spoilt her ,from the age of 13 she was smoking dope then on harder stuff as she got older,in and out of relationships, tantrums , would never do as she was told ect..she would abuse her partners. Her ex husband got custody of their son, thank got as he has anormality but has seen too much and heard too much so i hope he dosn,t get affested by all of this my grandaughter was from another relationship who is 16 is also becoming like her..she has taken control of her since she was 13 and it is so sad , as she was such a caring child , and there is nothing i can do..i only hear from them if they need some money or if they have a crisis..she blames me for being the way she is, saying i should have been harder, or i gave her too much love, then i didn,t give her enough and it goes on and on,,she said she had lost herself, i paid for her to go councelling and she only turned up for 2 sessions said she couldn,t be bothered as was talking about past..offered her to come to me for a while replies WHAT,S THE POINT WE DON,T GET ON ,,it breaks my heart as she is all i got..she also became an ESCORT i was devastated, and she told her daughter at the age of 13 also let her smoke dope and drink, and i couldn,t do a thing about it myself..she wished me dead and said lots of nasty things,,and yet i still give in to her when she needed money..i seem to not be able to say anything right..as i get a mouthfull of abuse and all she does is screams,,she sold up everything and she took her daughter with her, taking her out of school, and travelled for 3 months during that time they didn,t get on as my grandaughter wanted to come here , i told my daughter if thats what she wants i would be than happy to have her…my daughter still screaming said she was fed up with her misrable face and wanted to be with boys, exactly how she was at that age..all all of us at that age..but i didn,t like the idea of my daughter being on her own..she is not right in the head and i feel so sorry that she has clung on to he daughter as a friend and controlling her….it,s just them two..my grandaughter said they just want to worry about themselves (NOT THAT I EVER GOT A CALL FROM THEM TO SEE HOW I WAS ) only when thay wanted something..and her mum didn,t need help ,to except them for who they are (which i have ) and that they are happy……Twice they got in touch with me about grandaughter coming her after they had a row and my grandaughter was hysterical and mother in back ground screaming, but she never came as i susspect my daughter talked her out of it.. I told them both to come to me for a break and how nice it would be to see them.. but no…it so so sad ..and feel they will be very lonely and god knows what will become of them it worries me sick..so i have it both ends at the moment and living on my nerves , what and how could i do to help them as its breaking my heart, through all the abuse, i was and still telling them how much i love them and how much i care for them,,,, my life is getting shorter, and i would like to repair it before it,s too late..from her early age she was the mother and me the daughter..controlled me…. i wish i could turn the clock back and was a bit harder and stronger and things might have been different..i just want peace of mind and a bit of love and respect..unfortunatly people take my kindness as a weakness and have been hurt and used so many times..i know i didn,t set any boundries, too late now..i know i have to heal, but is there any hope or anything i can i do for my daughter and grandaughter…Thnk You

  17. Melanie, you hit the nail on the head again. Laser sharp analysis of the inner life of a narc, but more importantly, you dissected the need for our personal healing most precisely. May it help a lot of people.

  18. Hi Melanie.

    I have never really looked at myself as a “victim” in life and it has been horrific, you name it, I’ve exeprienced some of the greatest traumas, of course that does not make me more special than anyone else or less than but I tell it like it is.

    I listened to the radio talk and read through this today quite closely and I was conscious of a thought among the many but one in particular that I needed to hear myself thinking baout myself, is after knowing all of this about a narc, why do I still feel like I am at fault, like it was something about me. I mean I totally understand the truth that I need to work on my inner self and that makes perfect sense to me, however I also feel that somehow I need to shun myself and hold myself accountablefor somehow choosing this woman to be in my life. Of course I sincerely loved her a great deal, of course I wont lie about that, it is the truth. I was deeply in love, not out of insecurity orfear of being alone, or because I needed someone, I really just was in love with her. I realise I was in love with someone that was completely FALSE. I just know that somehow someway I ahve to stop blaming myself for what she chose to do, I have to stop being so hard on myself and taking accoutnability for her choices. I don’t know. I hope I ahve explained this well enough for you to understand.

    1. Hi Lee,

      because you have original wounds to do with guilt, feeling over-responsible and possibly even scapegoated – that were a part of your powerful subconscious programming even well before the narcissist showed up.

      The narcissist is ripping these up to the surface for you so that YOU can see them and heal them.

      Every time something is ‘not ‘logical’ Lee, and hurts it is a deep inner subconscious program.

      That will continue to haunt you (and show up) until you do the inner work on it.

      Your mind does not have the ability to work that through – you have to go inwards, do the work and shift it by meeting yourself.

      If you want the solution – the process to achieve that – in SO many areas of painful beliefs (not just that one) – the answer is NARP.


      It is exactly the inner work the people do in this community to be free of those painful beliefs and the toxicity of N-abuse.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Mel.

        Thanks for comfirming for me the few things I know. Before I contacted you I already knew I was going to do the NARP program that is why I am thanking you for confirming what my strong intuition was already telling me.

        As for my original wounds of guilt being over-responsible and yes even scapegoated is true. This stemmed from my childhood. I was the main carer of my mother and sister or at least that is what I chose for my role for a specific time (which felt like a long time) It was part of my life. Two parents who just were not emotionally available, in a abusive marriage for 16 years, a disabled sister and this adorable little empathic child who knew only love. I know whom I am spiritually. Anyhow, yes I have so much subconscious crapola I know this. Inner work is something I have been doing for years and still a bit to go. It’s great that this prior relationship showed me what needed to be healed in me, however that does not exuse the abuse nor does it excuse her abhorrent behaviour and evil. there is still that to consolidate. No matter what needed fixing and healing in me, there is no way that what she did becomes acceptable, that is one I should not waiver on. This is not about revenge, they will never ever take accountability, it is one thing healing the inner self and working on one self but it is another in allowing this wretched person to get away with what they did. It has nothing to do with me and any work that I have to do with myself. What she chose to do was just plain inhumane, sinister and evil.

        Thanks, Lee. xo

        1. Hi Lee,

          Yes your intuition was correct. Lee I promise you once you nail all the beliefs and let them go energetically with QFH you will not have any feelings about any necessary retribution.

          You will be feeling so whole and joyous – you couldn’t care less.

          Only one of the wonderful reasons this journey is so good to take!

          Mel xo

        2. Hi again Mel.

          Thank you for your special reply. I will be embarking with the NARP program, just getting the finances together to pay and off we go :)I like the sound of your promises too as I am not really a revengeful person deep down and I know that. Thank god I did not carry through with any of my thoughts of revenge, just having them is worse enough.

          We will be in touch. Bless you.

          Lee. xo

          1. Hi Lee,

            That’s great you are going to be a NARPer soon!

            There is absolutely no upside to revenge or judgement.

            It only keeps us bonded to abuse and not running with the gift.

            Mel xo

  19. I’m wondering after realizing my partner is a narcissit why did I go back when I was out. Now I’m in denial and feel perhaps I was judging her and maybe I was wrong she has never showed any empathy, she left me for 4 months and would not talk to me, she angers quickly and tells me it’s 100 my fault and she never needs to apologize. Sex was only when she wanted it and I was a sex addict anytime I would ask which honestly was not often. She never talks to me if we go out together and says that’s why we socialize to meet others and why we she want to talk to me cause we lived together. She would do their silent treatment at least once a month and said it was because of her trauma and she just shuts down so I must take it. When we did live together she would stay in their room all day on a weekend which is then only time we had and say she needed to rest. She would never want to do things w my daughter and me. I don’t know I’m so messed up right now and I have all those terrible feelings u have spoken about. Please help

    1. Hi Sandra,

      my answer for you, is exactly as it is for Lee above.

      The N-partner is simply a catalyst showing you your original wounds of ‘fear of abandonment’, ‘I can’t generate life on my own’, and trying to gain love from an emotionally unavailable parent(s)in your past …and so many other inner subconscious faulty beliefs that require healing.

      She simply triggered them for you..

      The inner work is the solution to get well, honour yourself, stay out and be able to generate relationships that are healthy.

      It’s about going to and healing these wounds that you never had yet.

      Mel xo

  20. Bravo. This information you have devoted yourself to discover, study, & learn has been successfully transformed to us, the ones who so desperately need it. The ones you so passionately are driven to help. May Gods blessings & favor rain upon you. Thank you. I can’t tell how time sensitive this information is to me. It’s not a conquencedance, it’s God moving, providing, just as u said!!

  21. Great informative article Mel and well worth the reminder about the insidiousness of N-abuse. I am so glad that I invested in NARP and in healing me and now my life is peaceful and joyous on so many levels. Thanks for posting the article.

  22. Melanie,

    I am still with my narcissist of the past 7 years. I have tried to leave, even moved out for a year in the past….but always return.
    I don’t understand myself. I know in my head that this relationship is toxic and I need to leave now and not waste any more years going through the endless cycle that my life with him is….but I am completely hooked. I love the man and am so drawn to him….the man that can be the most wonderful man I’ve ever known, and morph into a cruel, sadistic, taunting monster.
    In reading your blog there was one thing that especially caught my attention regarding the false self of the narc: “Because it is childish, it is dependant, precarious, and easily emotionally triggered. It does not possess the mature integrity of love, truth, or loyalty.”
    I hope that by continued reading of your blogs, one day I will really be able to grasp the fact that no matter how much I love him, staying with him will only doom me to the same cycle I have been living in for the past seven years. I’m not there yet. But hopefully one day I will be before its too late.
    Thank you for what you do!

    1. Hi Beth,

      the truth is none of us could work out “WHY” when we were stuck in trying to figure it out in our severely limited logical minds.

      It’s not until we going inwards and start doing the work on our subconscious that we start getting the huge ah-ha’s, as well as relief.

      The work is not about reading information, the work is about going inwards and meeting your subconscious and doing the shifts and changes at that level.

      Reading information does not directly impact your subconscious – it doesn’t go that deep. Informational healing is only management of symptoms, whereas transformational healing (inner work) creates real change at the causation level.

      If you want that level of healing, then a process is required.

      Mel xo

  23. Melanie, I’ve emailed you in the past, and am still trying to understand whether it’s my fault my daughter is a narcissist. She tells everyone I’m abusive and an alcoholic, and has no contact with me. I raised her on my own, with little to no help from her father (who also hates me). Meanwhile, I am helping to raise my granddaughter, who my daughter left with the father because she “just wants to live her own life.” Through my granddaughter’s father, I continue to hear comments my daughter has made about what a terrible person I am; meanwhile, my granddaughter loves me and loves spending time with me. I know I wasn’t a perfect mother, but I am in no way the monster she’s made me out to be, and it’s very exasperating. It’s like there’s no memory of all the wonderful times we had and the things I’ve done for her. I know she must be unhappy, and it breaks my heart, but what can I do?

    1. Hi Robin. I can relate to your story so well since I was also a single parent and raised my daughter very lovingly. Her father is a N who continues to malign me.

      There is hope though as I continue to heal all my inner wounds. My daughter left home when she was 19 (long story) and I was the bad guy in her eyes. Her father and my family did not help and continued to malign me. Up until the time my daughter left home, we were extremely close up until the last year she was at home. All of this care is apparent in her personality and in the way that she conducts her adult life.

      I have been using NARP for about a year and a half now and have also been doing some kinesiology work. I have kept the focus on me and my own healing. I visualise my daughter enjoying a wonderful and nourishing life and her and me enjoying a wonderful relationship where we share closely once more. I do see her occasionally but she has moved with her new husband to Melbourne and is establishing a new life there.

      Our last contact with each other was warm and accepting so things are slowly changing between us. As I continue to heal me I do not have to say anything to her or to my family members, or to her father. My responsiblity is to heal me and create a great life for me. As I heal myself energetically it also frees my daughter. Whatever happens in my life, I am ok about me. I am the only one who can make my life a good one. That is all any of us can do.

      1. Suzanne, thanks for your input. I’m glad your daughter is living a good life; however, mine is not. She can’t get or hold down a job because of her attitude (everything is everyone else’s fault), she rarely sees or does anything for her daughter (who I am helping to raise), and then when my granddaughter acts like she doesn’t want to see her, she gets very indignant and threatens to not see her anymore. My granddaughter is six years old, and I had to tell her to be careful of her mother’s feelings if she wanted to see her. I believe my ex is a N, just a hateful man, and of course he’s the only one in her family that has her telephone number. If she thinks I’ve somehow gotten her phone number (which I don’t want), she immediately changes it. I would like for our relationship to go back to being loving, but unfortunately it is easier for me not to have contact with her. To be honest, I don’t know how I can ever forgive her for the things she’s said and done, not just to me, but to other relatives (and her daughter) as well. I am going on with my life, working on my Master’s Degree and seeing my granddaughter when I can, but my daughter doesn’t like me spending time with her – she claims I’m abusive towards my granddaughter as well. She has stirred things up to where I sometimes haven’t been able to see my granddaughter for a year at a time. I just wish she would grow up!

    2. Hi Robin,

      you can’t figure that out – you can only heal it and release yourself from it.

      Whenever we are stuck in blaming ourselves, or being blamed – it truly is because of our own beliefs of shame, non-deservedness, not being good enough etc. , and it is all to do with unhealed origin wounds from our own childhood.

      Staying stuck in this, we don’t not help our children, we don’t heal generational patterns, and we add to their problems.

      There is an enormous necessity for you Robin to work on healing yourself, and then you would see real changes on this front.

      And then these people would not show up the way they do in regard to you.

      Please read this article, https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-we-become-better-parents-as-we-heal/

      and also I highly recommend you watch my video series so that you can understand what is happening to you, and what you haven’t healed yet.


      Mel xo

      1. I wanted to thank you for helping me understand what’s going on, and what I have to do to heal.

        I do have one question about narcissi to supply. Am I better off blocking her on the phone, or just ignoring her calls and texts?

  24. It is like God has spoken thru you this morning. I so much needed to hear the words in your article. Thank you so much and God bless ou!!

  25. hi Melanie. Being conscious is about being awake, alive, present, to all that I am and all that I feel. My unconsciousness in the past, and I am a work in progress, was about living in a warm false fantasy that protected me as well. It is what I had to do to survive. The work for me has been having the courage to drop the fantasy and see what is really there, to enter in to life as it really is. This has been both incredibly painful and also very joyful. I am owning my inner authority, instead of giving that power away. I feel much more secure, and whole. I still have ups and downs like everyone does, but they are much more manageable. My daily prayer is for continued growth and clarity, for me and for everyone. Take care, and thanks, as always for your insights and kindness.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      absolutely being conscious is embracing every part of ourselves unconditionally, without resistance, and thus being present.

      When wounds are very extreme that can be difficult without subconscious shifting tools – to clear out the trauma immediately on any particular topic.

      Just ‘being’ was not enough for me…I just didn’t have that resilience – the wounds were too enormous to function.

      I needed to clean them out (a great deal of them) before I could be…and Source replacements in shifts grants that beingness in a fast track evolutionary way too..

      I know some people rare people can though!

      Gorgeous that you are connected to prayer, and so on your journey!

      Mel xo

      1. yes….just ‘being’ has not been quite enough for me either. Being here with everyone, reading your blogs, doing your program, along with having wonderful friends, reading insatiably and having a beautiful therapist have made all the difference in my life. I think receiving love and support has made me realize so much about my value and their value and the difference between exploitive vs loving relationships. So while I have been healing, I have been receiving real love which has made healing much faster in some ways. We heal better in community than in isolation. In other words, the pain has brought greater depth to my relationships, because the vulnerability that I have risked, has drawn some of my friends much closer….just the opposite of what I thought would happen. Have a great day, sending you a virtual hug in spirit!

  26. This was so helpful in understanding the actions of a Narcissist and the underlying reasons for why they do what they do. It is so confusing and hard to understand as the rational thinking “supply. It has been 2 years since I left mine and I continue to be sucked into his abuse and left drained and defeated. No contact works and I am understanding his need for his “fix” negative or positive. I’ve learned to not provide what he is seeking. But we have children which he now uses as the way to gain his supply since other things stopped working. I would love to learn how to manage those situations where you absolutely have to engage for the sake of the children’s well being. I just got sucked in this week and realized he got me again. Have you written anything on co-parenting with a narcissist? Do you have any advice?

  27. This article is a perfect example of why I’ve wondered “Is it me?”
    Everyone has an ego, and when I experienced the abuse and discarding behavior I too suffered a narcissistic injury and that “dead on the inside” feeling. Was I really the N, or did I take on and accept the projection from the N? I still wonder. Its enough to drive you crazy, and I really felt crazy for a while. Didn’t I just pick them because I was seeking a sense of self-worth from outside too?

    So what is the difference between me (codependent) and the Narc?
    It seems to go back to the “Different Side to the Same Coin” article you posted before. Because of my unresolved wounds, I always felt my value is dependent on someone else believing I am worthy. I’ve learned the difference is that I am willing to look within and heal, to grow more conscious, and to level up myself.

    I understand now that the N will likely never take that step and will continue to repeat the same pattern. I don’t use and abuse people over and over. I am committed to my own health and helping others heal themselves.

    1. Hi Sarah,

      we all felt like that – TOTALLY dead on the inside..

      The truth is OUR inner being was in a shocking state – unattended to original wounds, which then were identified and battered by the narcissist.

      Then the intense focus on the narcissist, getting our energy sucked out, and spiralling down into our own gaping, black holes (no healthy inner being home)…which did not start healing until we get our focus off the narcissistic and firmly ON TO healing our OWN inner wounding.

      There are two criteria that separate us from narcissists. One we have empathy / conscience, the other is we have the ability to self-reflect and take responsibility for our own inner wounds.

      You are not a narcissist Sarah. You simply need to heal your inner wounds.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi melanie
        My question is if we can help our children to lead happy fulfilling lives through positive visualisation why can this not be used to on the narc so that he will heal his inner wounds and become conscious and self aware?
        Franky x

        1. Hi Franky,

          Because our children are not yet at the point to vibrationally work on themselves – unless of course they are..and we can ‘see’ them getting into their true power…and clear our resistance to that…

          However it still needs to start from us being whole within ourselves and having worked on ourselves. What I mean by that is we are engaged in unconditional love towards them, and doing healing on them non attached to our own neediness for them ‘to be a certain way’.

          I can assure you after working on yourself, and being a direct healthy source to self there is no longer any neediness to work on a narcissist via your own energy. If we did it would be the conditional desire to try to grant us a source of happiness, love or security that we have not granted to ourself.

          Any act of conditional love brings pain and disappointment. The people that I have seen try to heal or work on narcissists from their own neediness pay a huge price. They get even more hooked in and poisoned. The people who work on themselves authentically and heal, take the gift, don’t look back and completely detach – as was always intended at the highest level.

          Mel xo

  28. Hi melanie,
    where does one start with such a horrendous 3 years of suffering,
    I left my first husband after 34 years of marriage for someone I had only known for 3 months, moved in with him, divorced my first husband, remarried the narc.
    During this time I left him approx. 17 times in 3 years and kept going back as I loved him, all what he believed in the beginning was so much like me I thought I had found my soul mate, 2 months after marrying him I found out he had been texting a ex.
    during this time I found out he had been dogging and was bi, I did not know this and when asked he said was all in his past????
    my god did this hurt, another time his eyes went black when looking at me, he never made love said he didn’t know how it was all sordid.
    when going through the divorce I actually said to him you have never said you don’t love me he said maybe I still do.
    we are now divorced and haven’t seen him for 18 months, which im happy about, but I still believe somehow he still cares, he did say you are the first woman who has made me laugh so much, and the first women to bring me down so quick.
    I need closure of some sort but he hasn’t and wont give it, I said to him he was a narcisstic sociopath as this I have seen on hospital headed paper, this he continues to deny
    please help me

  29. Thank you so very much for again stating this all so clearly. You and your program have helped me immensely. I left my narc 2 years ago, after 20+ years of marriage, and had undergone a sort of internal shifting on my own. Knew down to my toes I wouldn’t live that way ever again. 2 weeks after I left I didn’t need Zantac for my stomach pains anymore. I took those daily for years! A year and a half after that I found your site and have begun that journey, and now don’t need sleeping pills anymore. A few weeks ago my n was arrested for growing pot, I filed for divorce. And now I found out last week he has colon cancer. It’s difficult and I have some recurrence of negative feelings, feel sad that it all happened this way and my kids have to go through all of this. I still know down to my toes I’ll never go back, because he is still a narc and always will be. But again I thank your for this blog, it greatly helped me reframe my mind.

    1. Hi Michelle,

      that is wonderful that you are clear you will never go back, and that you are working on you.I am so glad NARP is helping..

      You are doing great – hugs and healing.

      Mel xo

  30. Hi Melanie,
    My relationship with my ex ended almost a year ago – she walked out on me, saying that she couldn’t handle my neediness. In reality, my ‘neediness’ was complete emotional and physical exhaustion, brought about by trying to provide the security and happiness she said she had never had. For months I berated myself for failing to help her, and she tormented me for those same ‘failures’. I don’t have any contact with her at all now, and am beginning to see life as full of possibilities. I don’t know whether I will ever recover enough to trust a woman again, but at the moment I am grateful to have my sanity back. I came across your website recently, and your comments about narcissists were a major revelation. I think one of the most powerful weapons in a narcissist’s arsenal is the ability to isolate – I really felt that it was only me who was going through this pain and suffering. I read your literature and watched your podcast with a increasingly profound sense of relief – you made sense of the nonsensical, explained the inexplicable, and things began to fall into place very quickly. I’m now over the pain and able to start doing some work on myself to ensure that this never happens to me again. The way I see it now is that, if everything you say is true about the narcissist’s all-consuming need for validation or escape from a deep rooted feeling of emptiness, I feel sorry for her. Despite what she did to me, she didn’t destroy my compassion. I did love her and I’m not ashamed to say that. The fact that she cannot have those genuine feelings for anyone is desperately sad – the difference now is that I no longer feel the responsibility for trying to make her happy. I was arrogant to think I could, and I have learned my lesson. Thank you for helping me to see that.

  31. I so wish I had found your ministry sooner. It is late in my life and I have lived without consciousness since childhood…alcoholic father,co-dependent and narcissistic mother as well as two very contented siblings, who functioned as if all was always well.
    As much as I strove to exist and survive in the mental and emotional and even sometime physical hell by resisting and blocking,I was unable to escape unscathed.
    Over the years I have worked on co-dependent behavior and attitude, boundary setting, and just trying to keep sane and functional.
    I married and divorced a N but had no idea of what I had married until you.
    My issue now is the painful struggle to interact positively with my adult son from the twenty-seven year marital mess.I perceive and feel unmistakable N traits, behavior, and treatment from him.
    I feel guilty for contributing to his condition yet I need help in protecting myself from his withdrawal, distance and refusal to appreciate my feelings.
    I might sound beyond help especially at this age (much past fifty) but finding your site has inspired me to escape the false me to live honestly and share truth with others as I am clergy (Would you believe??)
    Thank God for you. I want to enroll in your sessions that apply to my issues. PLEASE RESPOND.

      1. wow! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ACTUALLY RESPONDING TO ME!!! I am going to join in on step 2. I hope the directions are clear?? Bless you!

  32. Hi Melanie,
    I wish I knew about narcissism a long time ago and read your articles. Now I am stuck living with my ex N with my 13 year old disabled daughter while we sell our house that used to be mine a year ago until I refinanced with him. He has already moved on to a new supply. A married woman who filed for divorce in March this year for him…just like me 8 years ago. He won’t leave to be with her because they are hiding their relationship from her soon to be ex. He is here 24/7 hiding in his bedroom every night …texting and talking to her while my daughter and I try to live our lives best we can. I feel sick. I have no money right now to move out with my daughter. All my money is tied up in the house. He is taking everything I have worked so hard to own. I feel sick every day. He has never tried to make amends for how he threw us anyway like garbage. He blames my family for our broken relationship. He blames my father for not thanking him for thanksgiving dinner before he left when he was extremely rude that day. My father walks with a cane and didn’t go downstairs to say goodbye! He blames my cousin for not having enough shrimp on
    Christmas Eve. Again he was rude that evening to everyone. He was already having an affair with his new supply during this time that I was unaware of! He blames my daughter for putting finger prints on the wall and said we have no respect for anything. He was in his glory blaming us for the end of our relationship. I was in shock and didn’t understand what happened to the man I thought loved and adored me . I tried having a heart to heart talk and he stated he had nothing else to give to me and he was done. Until I found out about the other woman. Then he said I didn’t fight for him. He has slowly taken away my independence, my other sons (who live on their own to be away from him) and my friends (who he began to criticize and no longer wanted to hang out with)I need help now to somehow deal with this sick situation without going crazy. I try to ignore him when we are here and practice no contact but it is trying at best. We ignore him and pretend he is not here. We eat dinner at my parents house each night to be away from him. I don’t know what to do and I need to be ok for my daughter. It has been 6 months since I found out about his cheating and we have been living in hell! I am exhausted!

    1. Hi Joyce,

      again your outer circumstances and everything that has transpired is reflecting back to you the inner painful belief systems that are yours.

      This is the formula of how life and others show up in our life experience.

      The way out is to do the inner journey to discover them and shift them. Then you will detach, the pain will no longer exist and your real life experiences will start transforming.

      That is the only true solution – it is always ‘inside us’ it never comes with trying to battle ‘the outside’.

      Mel xo

  33. Hi Mel,
    Thank you for this article. I am two years plus post Narc and was going fantastically with no contact, until the narc started making phone calls to my parents repeatedly and threatening them. This did surprise me as it is a new tactic. They went to the police over it and I found I was once again “supply”. I was surprised at how stressed I became. Oh well back to more NARP modules for me. XXJane

    1. Hi Jane,

      you are so welcome.

      Yes, truly when something / anything crops up and reactivates – it is showing us ‘there is something more inside to find and shift’…then once you do that Jane, you will go to an even more free and empowered level.

      Mel xo

  34. Hi, Melanie.

    Please…keep writing, and writing and writing. And keep speaking and speaking and speaking.

    Not a word you write or say is EVER wasted. Ever.

    The only reason anyone misses what you’re saying is because their minds is getting in the way.

    A true believer,

  35. Hi Melanie,
    Once again another brilliantly written article .
    Everything you have written resonates with what I have endured. It has been two years of absolute NO CONTACT & I am a totally different person to whom I was back then. It’s very interesting thou as only this week I have been subject to hang up calls & cryptic text messages only to find out that my ex has totally discarded her new whirlwind love bombing romance leaving that partner on his knees. True to form she’s hitting on past partners including me. It is so warped & sick making I can’t believe it. Anyway I did reply with one only text…. I said – Liz you are NOT someone I want in my life as you are NOT the person that I thought you were. No further contact required thank you. …
    Since that text it has gone quiet thank god. I feel fantastic and has only been made possible by you . Thank you so so much. Everything you have ever written is accurate to a fault .
    Kind Regards Mark

  36. Melanie: you mentioned ‘when I used to try and work on them…’

    Did you give up? Could you say more about this?

    1. Hi Patsy, you mean Melanie worked with/on narcissists. Yes, she wisely gave up on them, because there is no way they can change. They are like GOD in their mind and god does not need any improvement or changes.

    2. Hi Patsy,

      I thought someone may ask 🙂

      It always was like this…humility in narc injury, and then sooner before later the ego would fight back – and then of course its purpose (as it is for everyone) was to keep the narcissist AWAY from the inner wounds, and evolving him or herself.

      Hence of course the mind excuses to look outwards and not proceed with inner work…

      In short they never lasted past three sessions….and of course a ton would have been needed.

      Generally, only the first was effective to any extent, and then as soon as some pain was shifted it granted the ego enough energy to take over again.

      Mel xo

  37. Hi there Melanie,

    Thank you for another wonderful article. I am just coming out of an on off relationship with a sad sick N with prescription drugs and alcohol issues. He always tried to impress people (and bore them) with his very expensive and fast cars and motorbikes – had nothing else in his life to talk about. I had a very interesting conversation with a good friend last night who had been in a similar situation with a woman recently who wisely said to me to leave him well alone – get off the train before it crashes and brings you along with it. The more i exposed the N for the sad insecure empty being he was the worse his behaviour got. I was charmed but he dropped me faster and faster after he gained his N supply (in his case sex). I can thank him however for helping me heal myself (with the help of NARP because as i have healed i have manifested wonderful things into my life. He (the N) came into my life when i was still getting over a series of bereavements and i had a gaping wound which is now closing with the help and support of good friends and my music (I am a full time musician) and my spiritual beliefs and you, Melanie. Thank you xx

    1. Hi Caroline,

      You are very welcome.

      That is so wonderful that you have recognised the gift of devoting your energy to developing yourself.

      Lovely you are reaping the rewards Caroline!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  38. Very powerful article. I am shocked about how much your words already brought me out of “unconsciousness.” Narcissists drain you and they also purposefully create unconsciousness in others. My sister has NPD and she always has a way of sucking me in and then jerking the rug out from underneath me leaving me shaking my head in bewilderment as to how I got myself into that same exact situation over and over for my entire life (I am 49 and she is 42). This article pulled me out of that dark hole that she has again dragged me into. I always forget that I don’t need her and I always forget that she is a narcissist even when she puts on the charm. I have tried hundreds of times to completely estrange myself from her but I feel responsible for her because our mother so mistreated and abused her. But my sister is very toxic, even more so than my mother, and she always has been toxic ever since she was a child. We have always had a very unstable relationship and have been estranged regularly. She says something terrible and I get mad about it and we become estranged, but eventually something brings us back together again, and usually that is her. I must get the strength to totally and completely stay away from her forever but my father discourages that. It’s really hard when you have a close relative that is a narcissist. It’s much easier to leave a partner/spouse than it is a sister or mother.

    1. Hi Karen. I hear you! You keep hoping that “this time it will be different”, but it’s the same old same old, and I’m tired of hearing them tell me the lies they tell themselves. They’re stuck in a pattern. You’re not. Took me a while to see it for what it is, and to abandon the hope, because it was the hope that kept me going back and back when I knew it was making me crazy and ill. It’s in you to be strong. Good luck. Robyn x

    2. Hi Karen,

      family narcissism can be very hard, but it’s no less than what your soul is calling you to evolve..

      Or it would not have happened how it has…

      Ultimately it is about healing inner wounding – and then you will either have very clear boundaries (because you are no longer co-generating from a wounded young centre), which people will step up to, or you will detach and create No or Modified Contact with absolutely no guilt or inner pain.

      That level requires you going inwards to healing what you need to heal.

      Mel xo

  39. Hello Melanie,

    I am very familiar with the cycle of ionization, devalue and finally discard having divorced a narcissist after ten years. Although I am now safely removed from his abuse I am concerned our 7 year old son is his most valued narcissistic supply. Do you have experience with narcissists to predict if the same cycle will follow or if it is different with their own children? Without revealing what I believe about his biological father I would like to prepare him for what may unfold in his future relationship with him. Thank you for any advice you may have.

    1. Hi Beach,

      I have written many responses above in regard to children.

      My orientation and my work is never about focusing on the narcissist, because he / she is simply always throttling people with their own gaps that require healing.

      Even in regard to our children…

      Please read this article to understand..


      How do you prepare? By leading the way with healing yourself..

      This article is so important to understand too Beach


      Mel xo

  40. Hi all,
    since deciding i am not going to accept second best from anybody, i find i have had to let a lot of friends go.
    i assume I would have done it sooner if i was already completely whole correct? So, in the future as i become more of who i really am i will attract better quality companions right? would like confirmation i am on the right track ha.

    1. Hi Karen,

      our true goal is to be authentic – honestly, directly and lovingly without the fear of rejection, punishment or abandonment – and to be coming from a healthy adult centre (without our own childhood wounds operating)..

      Then we attract genuine, loving, mature and honest relationships.

      You are correct Karen – there is a very wise saying “You are only ever meeting yourself.”

      Mel xo

  41. Hi Mel. Your description of the N and how they do what they do is spot on. The part I have trouble with is “accepting responsibility for being in the relationship”. The N in my life was my mother, and I still choke on the adjective because she certainly didn’t do much “mothering” that i can recall! If it wasn’t about her it wasn’t about anything. I suffered for years from the toxic residue of the relationship, but it was a relationship I had no choice about entering. I’ve certainly left it and have nothing to do with any of them these days. I identify with all you say, up to the point where you suggest we look at why we went into these relationships with these sad cases. At that point, what you say stops resonating with me. I’ve signed up for the program, but am yet to start. Any comments welcome.

    1. HI Robyn,

      it depends what your spiritual beliefs are – and if they go wider and deeper than the logical ‘what you see’ obvious.

      I believe 100% as souls we chose our life circumstances and our parents in order to evolve and heal what we previously hadn’t. I don’t believe any of it is a mistake…

      Even if you don’t want to accept this orientation – lets look at it logically – if you don’t take responsibility for your wounds, who will? How would you ever heal? Would a damaged mother ever be able to come and fix what she did to you?

      Do you have ANY choice other than to take responsibility because these ARE you wounds…Who else is going to go inside you and do the shifting out of the trauma for you?

      Another one of my wider, deeper beliefs – as a past life regression therapist before I developed QFH – is whatever we stay in victimisation about – is what we keep reincarnating with, as WELL as the same perpetrators.

      According to my beliefs, you may have already done MANY lifetimes with your mother abusing you – because you haven’t yet evolved your wounds…

      I have done so many past life regressions where that is EXACTLY the case…(It was the same in my life too – lifetime after lifetime of the same agony).

      UNTIL now…(thank goodness!)

      I hope this helps motivate you, that enough is enough of the pain.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Mel

        It’s not the wounds I have the problem with and I’m well aware, after years of bashing my head against the brick wall that is my family, that they were are all getting a good night’s sleep while I was lying awake wondering “what the…???!!”

        I’m happy to do the work to mend the damage, and it’s been hard work. They have done and will do nothing (except reappear occasionally to make trouble) because in their world I’m the one with the problems.

        I now know I have other options (such as NARP) and choose not to be part of that world.

        I haven’t done much reading about past lives, but have heard about what you describe. Thanks for giving me something else to ponder.

        Cheers Robyn

        1. Hi Robyn,

          That is great that you do want to be free.

          And 100% correct and fabulous that you no longer allow them to scapegoat you for their stuff that they will never deal with.

          You will find Robyn,when you do address the wounding with a definite subconscious tool (NARP), that you will start getting the results that have always previously eluded you.

          You will also open up to deeper wider truths (that will emanate form within) that will make so much sense.

          We cannot access such wisdom through the logical mind…

          I promise you, your emancipation is within, you just waiting for you to turn up. NARP and its incredible community shows you exactly ‘how’.

          Mel xo

  42. Hi Mel,
    Like you, I am a staunch believer in past lives. Also, like yourself, I believe that when we die with unresolved issues, and false beliefs that we have not brought into the light of conciousness, we will come back again with the same old, same old until we finally get it. I believe that I have had the same set of false beliefs through several lifetimes. They are as follows:-
    *My life does not belong to me.
    *I am only here to make the lives of others easier.
    * If I look after my own interests, and pursue my own hopes and dreams, I will make someone angry and I will be punished.
    *The feelings and behaviours of others is my responsibility.
    *If I am happy and successful, it will hurt others and I will be punished, so I must play small and insignificant.
    As well as excavating this faulty belief system, I have also discovered that I have a peptide addiction to anxiety, as I have never known any other state of being, since childhood, and being raised by a Narc mother.
    All of this, of course, made me prime Narc supply. How would it not? Oh boy, am I working on it?!!!
    There is a world that is filled with peace and abundance, a place where there is no fear, no enemies, no narcissists. A world that is filled with sunshine and beauty, and safety and success. It is up to me to create this world for myself, it lies totally within my hands. XXX Sylvia.

    1. Hi Sylvia,

      with my years as a past life regressionist (which I had always been passionately drawn to) I ‘saw’ via myself and clients the absolute truth.

      That there is a definite purpose to existence, why we are here, what we are doing and why we generate the lives we do – to heal, to evolve, to expand…

      You are so right Sylvia, the only power we have is to become the change we wish to see, and generate more of that in the world.

      By being the example that then glows to others the way home…

      It is great you have identified these limiting beliefs that you have carried (we all have / had them)for centuries.

      Sylvia are you working NARP? Because with the goal setting Module you can eradicate many of them immediately – and I truly mean that.

      Up-level them directly with laser like focus, and then they just simply won’t exist.

      Such is the power of subconscious shifting at this level.

      (Maybe you are doing that already?)

      Mel xo

  43. Hi Mel, i guess the narc pays in the end, it would be horrible to never feel true love or happiness. My ex is in prison and im wondering how a narc would cope in there n how they would get their supply?

    1. Hi Josie,

      whenever I hear someone ask a question like you have – I know you are still hooked and you have not yet orientated toward your own healing.

      I truly don’t even want to go into that question, because it’s not relevant.

      What is relevant is you getting out of the emotional pain of wondering…

      Which is what always happens when we make the generation of our life limited, dependent or on hold regarding what someone else is or isn’t doing.

      Mel xo

  44. Thank you for this article. It’s amazing how well you understand and articulate the subject. The article caused me to wonder what would happen to a narcissist if they had absolutely no supply, if that was even possible for them to not be able to find supply. You wrote that they would cease to exist or without our supply they “can’t exist”. What does that mean? Would they die without supply?

    1. Hi SDP,

      thank you and you are welcome.

      There would be only three possibilities ‘exit’ (suicide / manifest terminal illness / accident), the second is deteriorate rapidly or the final possibility – take responsibility and go inwards.

      Mel xo

  45. I’ve come a long way in my recovery from narcissistic abuse, but I still have a few questions that haunt me. Perhaps you can shed some light on it… I still have a lot of confusion about what happened and is happening. My narcissists don’t seem to fit into the total descriptions I read about narcissists. For example, they discarded me over a year ago and have not tried at all to “get me back” and get more supply from me. But most of what I read says that they will always come back for more supply… but mine are not. It’s confusing and makes me wonder if I’m wrong about thinking the situation is actually about their narcissism. Why would they (mother, sister, niece) completely abandoned me if I’m such a great source of supply? The only explanation I can think of is that somewhere in their tiny little hearts they want to “spare” me the suffering and “let me go” to be happy and free from their nightmare. OR, perhaps I had become too “strong” in standing up to them and they want to find easier targets. Are these explanations possible? Or what could the explanation be?

    1. Hi SDP,

      the real truth that you need to realise is this: It is actually not about ‘those people’ – it is about you.

      The disappointing / abusive people have done what they have so that you can heal you and evolve.

      There is only one explanation – take your focus off them (we can’t change, fix or control anyone ever)..and go deeply inwards into your wounds to heal them.

      The truth is this…if narcs – they do WHAT hurts the most (reflection back of your wounds) which are absolutely about abandonment. Which equates to – yes – there are narcs who do TOTAL abandonment without hoovering.

      Especially is that is what would trigger your wounds the most.

      Nothing you will ever learn or discover about them will grant you relief – only the healing of your wounds did.

      These people – family or not – are granting you the opportunity to heal you.

      And truly whether or not they are NPD is irrelevant – because this is all about your evolution.

      That is the only truth, and the only way you can get out of this emotional agony.

      Mel xo

  46. Thank you so much Mel for a wonderful blog post and show!! You have raised my consciiousness regarding my Narcissistic relatiionship of 25 years. You are so right; the only one I can change is me. For years, I have been trying to change the Narc. I thought by helping him be aware of his problem, that would help me heal too! No!!! I now understand that I must heal myself and whatever the Narc does cannot hurt me anymore, because I won’t let it! I realize now that since I have left the Narc, I must put the effort into making myself the best self I can be. Thank you for helping me heal! You are a wonderful educator!

  47. Hi Melanie,

    First of all I just want to say thank you so much for your words. Your blog has been so helpful to me and your descriptions of narcissistic abuse completely hit the nail on the head. I recently got out of a 3 year relationship with a narcissist and have established no contact for the past three months. The process has been healing and I know I am doing the right thing. However there is something that I have been contemplating. I always had a good relationship with my ex narc’s sister and she and I are still in contact. After I ended the relationship I discovered undeniable proof that my ex had cheated with the same girl that I had confronted him about multiple times (and of course he lied about). I feel like his sister should know the truth because she never knew what a monster her brother was. I want to tell her about the infidelity but I don’t know if this will break the no contact rule. What should I do?

    1. Hi Janine,

      you are so welcome.

      Truly, there can be a huge trap in trying to expose the narcissist. I would thoroughly concentrate on your own healing – detach and one day the opportunity may come up in an organic way.

      When we are sourcing through ourselves and de-toxifying the pain and getting more and more solid, there is no need for ‘others to know’, and then ironically those opportunities simply ‘present’, if appropriate.

      You may at this point be running a huge risk that you spark off interaction, contact and being dragged back in.

      Narcissists retaliate, and there is no boundaries on that – you could be accused of all sorts of things that you then feel triggered to defend.

      My suggestion is detach and fully work on healing you.

      Mel xo

      1. You’re so right. I thought about it and I’m not going to do it. Thank you.

        It is ironic too because the girl that he cheated with was his ex (who he said all kinds of horrible things about.) Now he is talking to her again. This would have bothered you had I not read your blog but I know he is just using her for narcissistic supply since I cut him off. Truly a classic narcissist move.

  48. Thanks for this great article, you’ve been of great help to move forward from the Narc in my life but I need some advice from you, this Narc moved to my city to stalk me, first he broke into my home and stole valuable things, then he started stalking me (gang stalking), he now lives next door, of course he hides but I know that he is the one behind the stalking, and that he is my neighbour. What can I do? the police won’t help me, since there is no evidence and he braves them as well. Do you think this will end eventually? The no contact rule will help to push him away? When is he going to move on to another supply? I know he has plenty of women around him but why me?

    Thanks for your help.

    1. Hi Silvia,

      You are very welcome.

      Sylvia that is awful what you are going through.

      What you need to deeply understand is that when you heal on the inside and change your vibration then, and only then do narcissists stop.

      While you have fear, pain and charges it all persists.

      This is the ultimate lesson (narcissists) in deeply committing to healing ourselves.

      Please come into my free webinar – and this will help you understand.


      Mel xo

  49. Mel,
    Loved your article. As always it is beautiful and enlightening.
    Just read your response to someone else about how the energy of the mother affects the child, without exception. What if my mom sees me as someone who lacks judgment and is powerless? Am I doomed? She loves me and is very devoted to me but she is very critical. I was trying to shift my less-than believes of myself via NARP and family of origin modules, but if she seems me that way, does that still affect me no matter what I do and how much I try to evolve? Thanks.

    1. Hi Jane M.,

      as an adult we do have the power to heal regardless of where our Family if Origin is at.

      Your mother is unconscious, but that doesn’t mean you need to remain that way.

      You haven’t yet found and released your emotional belief about requiring your mother’s validation, and how to be a source to yourself regardless of what your mother chooses to do.

      That is your emancipation.

      It also means that you do create boundaries and an authentic relationship with your mother if possible. Which means telling her honestly how you feel and what you need. Then you may need to have Modified Contact in order for you to be healthy.

      But you need to clear all the reasons why her behaviour still affects you and why you are not expressing directly and lovingly what you need – to give her the opportunity to up-level in your experience.

      Make sense?

      Mel xo

      1. Mel,
        I does make a lot of sense. Thank you. I already shifted many resistance points doing the FOO and goal setting module. I know I did because I’m less triggered by her critical communications. But not all resistance points. Still have pain over her not understanding what I need (she is not a NARC in any shape or form). I now respond less to critical messages while before I would always respond and explain why I didn’t like the criticism. I stated my needs calmly (and un- calmly…) many times. I’ll keep working on myself. I understand that if I keep telling her what I need (‘stop being critical’) I’d be fueling my wounds here so I do it much less. I need to work on why her criticism hurts.

        1. Hi Jane M.,

          you are so welcome 🙂

          The goal is to clear the resistance, and then be able to create an Authentic Relationship with her, with you leading the way as the most developed person.

          This would mean, when you have cleared enough of your inner matching wounds “Mum when you say (what she says) I feel (be honest about your vulnerable feelings) and I would l love it if you could (what you would like from her).”

          So an example is “When you tell me (use her exact words), I feel unsupported. I feel not good enough and unworthy. I would love it if you could be positive and supportive instead.”

          And say this from your heart with love, and without defences.

          Keep it short, clear and to the point…

          This is a much more effective way of communicating then telling her ‘stop critiquing me’ whilst feeling triggered and defensive – which ONLY sets up resistance.

          By authentically being real, loving, transparent and vulnerable (true intimacy) you invite others to meet you at this high vibration.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

      2. Mel,
        Thanks for your follow- up response. I think I got it: first to be honest with my self during a module about how I feel and what I’d like instead, and then once at least some of my wounds of feeling unsupported and not good enough are cleared, then to communicate with her as if I was still doing the module…Hope I got it, and if I didn’t and you see this, then please correct me.
        Thanks much, always. Lots of love.

        1. Hi Jane M,

          you are so welcome 🙂

          In Module work it is about releasing the wounds of hurt and powerlessness. Bringing in the Source replacement means that you become ‘that’ source to yourself, and there is no longer the need for your mother to grant you anything to be ‘whole’.

          Then no longer are you engaged with your mother coming from an undeveloped centre of your own young wounds.

          Then you can orientate in authentic relationships, which is knowing your worth and truth and generating that healthily with life – speaking up honestly and asking people for what is your truth.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

  50. Hi Melanie and everyone,

    What you are offering people in this website is amazing and has helped me immensely.

    My ex Boyfriend was def a narc and I discovered this early on, but I wanted to believe he wanted to change. He said he wouldn’t have close female gfs mainly cause I wasn’t comfortable that when he left his wife he slept with quite a few of them in a short time. Then he would say inappropriate things about them or things that elevated them and would hurt me all the time. He also would start arguments so easily, and if I brought up his insensitive cold behavior towards me he would tell and tell me I couldn’t talk about his behavior, I told him I was in a dictatorship. I relate to the sucking dry feeling.

    I was exhausted in every way and I tried to leave for 5-6 mths I kept breaking up with him until finally I did it about 5-6 mths ago. I told him I didn’t want to be his friend when he asked I said I had been treated so badly – there was going behind my back and manipulation with my sister. He told me I should be ok with him swimming with 25 year olds in their underwear, that was it for ma. I told him I would never be with someone who showed me such disdain. I blocked him. I didn’t read his emails and blocked his texts. Recently he came into my house while I was away. I think it was to mess with myind like you said. And also because I had Been ignoring him. Blocking him has been so good for my sanity!!! I recommend it ! Then he came into my house and made me feel unsafe and angry! Now I would never be his friend. I feel sorry for him because a few times he admitted he was a narc and asked me if I thought he could get through it. I said yes if you are humble and honest and with a lot of work. He went to a counsellor but only used him to back up his position and it felt extremely manipulative. So I would recommend to anyone to avoid contact. I only did that the last time I broke it off. He had a way of drawing me back in but I’m much stronger now and more educated. I realise he won’t change and he’s psycholpgically disturbed. I knew this when I was with him that’s why I pulled away. It’s very difficult to leave them. I did it gradually as I knew he was unstable. Then after breaking into my house though he used a key and ringing my phone and leaving a breathing sound, he sent me a message on the anniversary of my brothers death saying he was thinking of me! I couldn’t believe it. I had been very violated by the break in but had not contacted him. It must be killing him that I am not reacting to him. His ex wife had to be Around him they have a child but I don’t have to be. He will either flsunt his latest supply try to make me jealous or try to get me back. I do believe he did love me but I also believe he is majorly disordered and def self centred and focused on his ego. He even admitted all this was there in his marriage and when he did it to me sometimes but then he went back on it. I told him I wouldn’t be friends until he turned from narc haha which I know is ridiculous that’s why I said it. It’s funny cause before I read this stuff about the narc I told him he was addicted to attention to women’s attention like a dog on heat I could see it, every woman he met he had to get very emotionally close to. I told him that’s not normal it’s an addiction he rejected that. It hurt me a lot he would flirt and ignore me. Anyway that’s all behind me now!!! Yay! And I’ve met someone else but I’m taking it slow and he’s nothing like a narc. He’s like the Guys I usually like. Anyway thanks Melanie! This has been amazing! Thanks do much your emails too have helped me get through this time over the months! You are a blessing to others thanks! 🙂 I educate others who are in these rels as well 🙂

    1. Hi Gail,

      I am so pleased I have been able to help.

      That is great that you are No Contact – there is no sense in trying to make a disordered person behave ‘normally’ – it just doesn’t happen.

      You are so welcome Gail.

      Mel xo

  51. What lovely work you’re doing! I’m a year away from the last N I’d (re) met online, as he was my sweetheart some cough 40 years ago. I’d gotten hooked just from his photo, looking into the camera! I’d noticed he was a professional victim, preying on all his “friends” who thought they were rescuing him. In his stories, he was always either the victim or he was missing entirely; events “just happened” in his life.
    It only took him 3 days to go from proclaiming me his “soulmate” and wanting to fly me up, to publicly making plans to drive several hundred miles to meet a woman he claimed to be just friends with, planning how they could have more alone time together. The shock of that threw me into a crisis of alcohol poisoning that I blacked out from and nearly killed me. He’s ignored me since.
    I used the event to join 12-step programs, got into DBT, and have been journaling on how this attacker was the latest in a chain of people and not the primary cause, getting some relief yet even this morning, waking feeling churned up, wondering why I couldn’t gouge the sickness out.
    Your teachings on peptides feel like my missing link, and I loved the healing you did for me via YT. Your No Contact is timely, as he and his new victim/rescuer/enabler will likely be at an event I’m going to this fall. Thank you, thank you, thank you

    1. Hi Myrtle,

      You are so welcome.

      Trauma in our bodies is so insidious. And until we realise this, it is very difficult to understand that it is this stuck trauma that is generating the repeat obsessional
      thoughts and powerlessness, as a literal chemical body addiction.

      That is wonderful that you understand the truth and the way to heal.

      Mel xo

  52. Hi Melanie,
    Is there or has there been any link made with narcissism to children adopted at birth by chance?
    An unusual question I know but im very curious.

    Many thanks


    1. Hi Mark,

      the truth is narcissism comes from wounding – and submerging the True Self, and creating a fictitious character.

      There are adopted children who experienced healthy modelling and those that didn’t – and had unconscious parents.

      As is true for children not adopted.

      I personally wouldn’t believe there is a specific link – except possibly the tendency to come from a troubled abusive DNA or painful beliefs – certain conditions that created the need to adopt out the child.

      Mel xo

  53. Hi Melanie
    Thank you so much for your courage to heal and speak up. I now understand why I have been able to break the strangle hold I have felt from my N parents. I have walked a path of consciousness for 20 years and obviously done much inner healing. Although it’s been a long haul it’s been completely worthwhile.
    When my father died 4 years ago I was able to ‘see’ my mother more clearly and set in motion ways to move beyond her sucking the life out of myself, immediate as well as extended family.
    While we currently have the best relationship we ever have had I now have clear boundaries in place that support my personal well-being.
    My 26 yr old daughter who studied psychology led me to reading this article today. She has a great inspiration and support to me.
    Through reading your article I now see that a relative by marriage was also a N, the kinder I was to her the more she emotionally whipped me. I stood up to her about 10 years ago now and can let go of the residual guilt I felt. Wow! I understand and thank you sincerely.

  54. Hi Susie,

    you are so welcome.

    That is great that you are realising certain truths – and I love how wise our children are! They are amazing, and absolutely our teachers…

    Fabulous you are honouring you and creating boundaries.

    Mel xo

  55. Many have told me that my ex was not just with a socio/psychopath but a true narcissist.
    I have tried looking into his behavior but I have also looked into some of his choices.
    I have NOTHING against anyone who decides to make this choice for themselves but…
    Did anyone date a narcissist who was particularly into the way he looked and criticized others on how they looked?
    So, my ex, physically was a beautiful man and I’m not an expert. I tend to ignore these things but unfortunately I did grow up with a very insecure mother/sister who were really into plastic surgery and looks and materialism in general. I knew my ex had gotten all of his teeth done but my family pointed out that his nose was heavily done. So, my ex got plastic surgery and did all of his teeth…which is interesting. Because he complained to me how his ex wife (who he talked trash about nearly every time I saw him got her nosejob PAID FOR by his family- by the way what was he doing telling me about her nosejob? Why is that my business????) I found it really weird…why would his family pay for her nosejob?
    He also told me he has a fear of people with bad teeth. And that hes REALLY into teeth (without mentioning of course the fact that all of his teeth were fake. He never brought it up to me, never mentioned his nose job or anything. Of course, its not my business but it was obvious to see his teeth were done (and according to my family his nose). I loved him anyway…it didnt bother me..until it came to my attention that he was an overall narcissist and just criticized people constantly for how they looked.

    After my first date with him I slept with him (my mistake) and when I woke the next morning, he had a girl there in his living room who was staying there to watch his dog while he was out of town (he just got back into town). When we walked outside he was like- Shes so fat isnt she? She’s so gross.
    She was so sweet and was gorgeous..I found his words to be SO upfront and harsh but I didn’t say anything because he already glazed me over with his lovey dovey comments about me.

    There were times where he uncomfortably told me I was “prettier” than his ex wife. I remember one time I was out with my friends and he was out with his and he texts me “Theres this girl here at the bar wearing beetlejuice pants. So fucking ugly”
    He also always told me that it bothered him that my diamond earrings I got as a gift from my parents for my graduation weren’t “clean enough,” when I showed him a picture of my sister he spent like five minutes commenting on how obvious her nose job was and then one morning when we woke up and I was laying in bed (of course begging him to come cuddle with me- he would rather be sitting on his phone on Instagram) and he goes..oh my god my sister in law is so fat she looks like a whale standing next to her husband. And then told me how he texted BOTH of his brothers making fun of her and how “fat” she looked. I remember I looked at him and was like….how would you feel if one of your brothers talked that way about me?! And he said..you just don’t understand my humor. My phone family is up front like this. Its just our humor.

  56. this website is amazing.. i think i met a narc.. a charming, divorced man who his friends own admissions go through a lot of ladies.. yes red flags but i was simply swept off my feet with declarations of how amazing i was and talk of being in a relationship after seeing each other twice. his messages were like something out of a romance novel.. 8 weeks go by and we have an incredibly intimate experience opening up about our pasts his being about being adopted in which he cried… he tells me how ‘extraordinary’ it was and we were ‘two little peas in a pod’ only for him to dump me 6 days later as he met someone else who lived closer (he lived a few hours away) and essentially making me feel like it was all in my head. i was devastated and cried on the phone.. i thought that was end only for him to continue to keep in contact weekly which played with my mind as it was at times flirty. this all culminated with me not relying to a message as it was getting to much and them him sending another message asking if i could help him get tickets in my home town for him to take out the girl he dumped me for. enough was enough and i told him to stop contacting me in which he begged and pleaded in texts for me not to do this blah blah. Now he is serious after only weeks with this new girl another whirlwind. this has been the most painful, confusing and self deprecating experience of my life. but reading this makes me think this guy is a a grade narcissist. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this and if this all sounds like typical behaviour with this kind of guy??

  57. This article has opened my eyes in ways you wouldn’t believe. I bent over backwards to stop being so “needy and threatening” (as he would say). When he stopped talking to me, I’d either leave him be, or I’d send him a message as if I hadn’t noticed. I thought my not reacting would make things better.

    Now I understand why he kept using flying monkeys to check in on me when we weren’t speaking. On at least two occasions, he heard I was stressed and upset, and that was when he got back in touch asking me what was wrong, when he has never shown any care towards me. He wanted to know that I was hurting.

    He did the ultimate discard yesterday, but instead of responding emotionally, I thanked him for letting me know and left it at that. I hope that was the right thing, show no emotion and don’t cling.

    Another thing he did was withheld, all the time. He knew that was my weakness. He refused to hang out with me, play sport with me, be my friend on FB. He knew (because I had told him, repeatedly) that those things hurt me to the core. And he continually told me how much stuff he was doing with everybody else. It was constant, every day he’d get in touch to tell me what he’d been doing with his friends, yet made a point of telling me he was too busy to see me. And I would get so upset over it.

    Is it that simple, my spinning was giving him energy? Wow.

  58. Melanie, what a great article. All my relationships until recently have been healthy ones, including my marriage of 17 years which was based on trust, respect and loyalty. My most recent relationship has been with a narcissist and Im wondering if unconscious wounds enabled me to get involved with him. The first 8 months of the relationship appeared to be healthy and I was in deep and in love before I realised fully how damaged he was. He broke it off with me, accusing me of spying on him, which was not true, but I see how it could have appeared that way so I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I believe everyone deserves a second chance. Ive since realised that he partially tells the truth, turns and twists everything back on to me as if Im the problem and he sabotages about every 6 months which makes me feel that I cant trust him. Anyway, 3 years in to the relationship he threw a tantrum after I asked him about our dreams for the future. He became very defensive and refused to talk about this, then did the silent treatment which I believe is a passive aggressive way of him trying to control me. Now whether he is a narcissist or not, I wont tolerate such immature behaviour so I ended the relationship. This was about 6 weeks ago and he is now trying to hoover me back in with lame text messages. I have not responded. I do not feel heartbroken at all, but I do wonder how I got into this dysfunctional relationship in the first place. Maybe I missed early red flags, or possibly he was so clever that he pretended for the first 8 months and I was clueless. Is it possible that even those who dont need to work on damaged parts of themselves can get caught up with a narcissist?
    Thanks again for all the wonderful work you do Melanie.

    1. Hi Laine,

      you are so welcome.

      Life is a “system” and everything happens for a reason. On the Quantum Level everything is about “what is like itself is drawn to itself”. This doesn’t mean that you were “narcissistic” – but what it does mean is that there were aspects of inner woundedness matching what a narcissist delivers.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  59. I know I am not narcissistic, and as soon as I realised he was I ended the relationship. He was fun, charming and great to be around. When his mask dropped, I left. IM still having trouble understanding how I could have done it differently as there were no warning signs in the beginning. He seemed genuine and I went with it. Thank you for your insight. Life is about learning and loving.

  60. Melanie: Your articles are really helping me even though mine is not a love relationship; that is, the manager of the thrift store I had started got me believing that I could not do it without her/would not want to do it without her. She is a malignant narcissist and was talking about me behind my back which was not hard to do given she was up there initially more than I was or eventually in a separate building. People would occasionally say they did not feel comfortable working with her, but would never get specific with me because we were “best friends” according to her. She is a very unhealthy person, on top of her psychotic issues, and although I was working the thrift store part time plus full time job, she loved to complain to her family about all they put her through on top of her working full time. It took, unfortunately, me coming close to a nervous breakdown and having another narcissist show up saying how wonderful she was and how she could fix everything I had no time to get to and having turned everything over to her to realize they are both narcissists. Unfortunately, the board of directors is very passive and I did not realize they were also part of what was sending me over the edge until now that the new director of operations and the manager have taken benefits away from the volunteers in the name of making money (and the board is going along with it) did I realize that the board has its issues. I believe the director N is now loving up on one of the board members who she works the most with to make sure that everything goes her way at board meetings too. So I hate to just give up on even being on the board because this was “my baby” for so long and the volunteers are dropping like flies with the board being told “no other volunteers” are complaining, but would love your opinion on whether there is any point in staying, for emotional health reasons if nothing else. I am going to see the lawyer on Monday, or hopefully at least talk to her regarding the current issues before the board meeting Monday evening. I know there is a huge chance you won’t see this and reply in time, but its so hard with few people who really understand this to talk to. I have already stopped volunteering in the store (looking like the bad guy to the board) and if I leave the board, I will look yet again like the bad guy despite all the good I have done, but in the end the ones I worry about are the volunteers. Even if after 12/01/2014, would appreciate your insight.

  61. PS for what its worth, I am the president of the board, only one who understands our tax issues, et cetera. Normally my term would end in May. I start watching my granddaughter in March, which was one of the triggers for me waking up. Helping raise a baby sounded so much more rewarding than having a nervous breakdown. This is probably one of the triggers of the manager N starting to show her true self to me. Shortly after all this change started, she left me lying on the floor of the basement where I had fallen and claimed later that she called out “are you okay” but did not ask when I came up the stairs despite my red faced sign of high blood pressure/pain, telling me later, when I saw you stand up, i figured you were okay. The lawyer has privately told me the manager is “insane” and if she ever offers/threatens her resignation again, to take it. Unfortunately the lawyer does not feel it is her place to tell the rest of the board this.

  62. Thanks for all your insight I am married to a N. It has been a roller coaster to say the least. Until the last year I could not figure out what was going on and until just this past week I thought I was crazy as well. Your articles hit home I still look at all this and can’t grasp it all. He manipulates everyone around us to make me look bad he is quite amazing. Every once and a while some people get a glimpse of the child and his controlling ways and his temper tantrums.

    My goal is to just get out before he makes me physically ill!!
    Thanks so much for your articles.

  63. I am understanding the “No contact and stay that way” and it’s a solution I have taken. However, my current SO’s ex wife is a Narcissist and they have a four year old child that is shuffled back and forth when the mood strikes her to allow visitation. How is the best way to handle it when contact is required for the child’s sake?

  64. I am a recent divorcee. Thanks to your articles and audibles I am now learning that my exhusband is a narcissist. I still have to deal with him because we have young children. I am hoping through your information that I can gain the knowledge to learn to deal minimally and effectively with him. I also hope to gain perspective on how to help our children with the damage he has caused to them and aid them in preventing hurt and confusion over their father and his actions for their futures. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and help with all of us and giving us glimpses of light in the darkness. Any advice for being divorced and having involved children, I’m just starting this journey so any books, articles or audibles you recommend would be appreciated. Thank you so much!

  65. BRILLIANT. I escaped my emotional vampire six months ago and have been struggling to get past all the anger and confusion. I’ve felt positive changes in my attitude as memories fade but I’ve always had an inexplicable background rage sitting somewhere deep inside me, right where I can’t reach. In the time it’s taken to read this article however, I now feel nothing but intense pity and sadness for the ex. It must be a horrible existence being so empty. Oh well! Not my problem any more! Nice work again Melanie. This is really fascinating, helpful stuff. Bring on the next one 🙂 x

  66. Hello. I have recently left a 5 year relationship with a N I realise now the level of abuse ive been putting up with and so on. And also what I have to do to make myself better

  67. I’m three weeks into my fifth attempt to break off a two and a half year relationship with a Narc. It wasn’t until recently that the word “Narcissist” came into my mind. Only having a vague idea of its meaning, I started researching it, which is how I came upon your site. I’m shocked at how everything fits, from the Narcissist to the Co-dependent.

    It’s truly sad to think that this person is so damaged, from some childhood situation totally out of his control, that he has little hope of ever changing and experiencing peace. It breaks my heart but I now realize it’s not a situation that I can fix, unfortunately. So, I’ll shift my focus to healing myself so I don’t ever get into this situation again. Twice is enough!

  68. Mel, you are amazing. I’m so relieved to have finally found you- someone with a peaceful and positive outlook, that sits right with me at heart. I needed this. Without blame or bitterness, or the need to hang on to anger, I can (and have) finally detached from my partner with love. I needed it to be this way. There is enough hate in the world as it is. I feel you understand my situation, and have so kindly and gently delivered the facts that I can finally, really hear them. I’m sure you’ll know what I mean. Thank you for helping me to move on. This is the second day of my new life x

  69. I totally agree with everything in this second article. I had a narcissistic father, not that I was able to give a name to the misery of home life as a child.

    My daughter has just exited a 13 year relationship with a narcissist. All we thought was that he was odd and when we met his parents on one occasion we realised they were the problem. Didn’t name it but just thought he had a shit childhood as many children do. It wasn’t till my daughter actually told me what had been going on, particularly in the last 8 years of the relationship, that I started to research and it slowly dawned this is what she had been dealing with.

    Now I’m afraid I can name a lot more relatives as suffering from NPD.

    He has a new supply now and we are expecting them to move in together, and good luck to them. We are not saying anything to her as I doubt she would believe us. What I am very concerned about are the two children 9 and 10 years old. He is really badly behaved when he is all alone with them and tells them things that are highly inappropriate. His behaviour, according to the children, when they feel safe at Mums home, is totally different in front of the new supply. When he has access sometimes it is alone with them and we know he says things to them that are frightening and they are not in a position to argue with him or old enough to say no. My daughter is trying to limit access (particularly overnight) as they are more settled when access is infrequent. We have attempted to give them some coping strategies but are worried about saying too much as I don’t want them to repeat things in front of him. they seem very unhappy and shut down when they return from access and are usually a bit rude and unresponsive. We try to ignore as much as possible but keep good manners and reasonable behaviours and the guidelines. We try not to replicate the shouting and nasty spiteful retaliations. Hoping that just time out in the bedroom until the situation cools is the best way to go.

    They are both now seeing a child psychologist separately that they can talk to in confidence, so I hope it helps them to rationalise Dad’s outbursts and odd behaviour. Is there any reading available on how to better deal with the meltdowns at home. Dad is unfortunately doing what they all do and that is buying lots of presents every time they go for access, all meals eaten at fast food restaurants and bucket loads of sweets. Its probably a bit of a let down when they go back to Mum with home cooked meals including vegetables and limited sweets and no new toys – she even limits their use of ipads.

    Any help would be appreciated.

  70. Hello Melanie
    Brilliant! I watched a lot of video’s of Sam Vaknin, but this is more clarifying, I think because of the fact that you are speaking from the victims point of view.
    Thank you for your work.
    I am still seeing ‘my narc’ once in a while. I can handle it because I am conscious of what is going on between us, it doesn’t affect me the way it did. But….my energy is low and there are other signs that his influence is still very negative. So I have to face it that the next step will be ‘no contact’.
    And that is going to happen!

    ps I signed up for your webinar, but the time isn’t right for me. I live in Holland and at that time it’s 3 am.
    kind regards

  71. This is perhaps the best article I’ve ever read regarding narcissism and those who’ve been abused. The “aha” moment came when I realized focusing on THEIR issues gives them more power. Focusing on my sub-conscious mind and its amazing power to produce what it believes into my conscious life is exactly what I need to know right now. Because in the last 2 years, I’ve had a narcissist boss and a narcissist lover. (female and male respectively). I saw myself as a ‘victim’ of them, being ‘too nice, too people-pleasey.’ But no… I take responsibility for attracting them into my life to show me what needs to be healed in me. Still, I find myself wanting to heal THEM! Why is that? Because I am empathic, compassionate? Or because I want to co-exist in a peaceful world with all humanity? I can honestly say that I love the ‘inner child’ of my narcissist ex-lover, the suffering soul that his ego ‘killed off.’ So while I raise my consciousness, it feels right to me to just once, send love to that wounded inner child that his pathological ego won’t allow to live. I will do this from afar of course… NO CONTACT (NC) ever again. And you mention vampire; this is something he called himself more than once, and even said ‘I want blood…’ I thought he was just trying to be ‘badass.’ Woah! If they say that, RUN! Thank you for this article, now I know where to place my focus… not on them, but on raising consciousness.

  72. For nearly 40 years, I’ve asked “why?” This article answers what I’ve been asking for decades. What a relief to have answers. What hope it brings. In a rare moment of honesty, when I asked my narc “why?” he gave me an answer – “Because I could never stand your spark and I tried to put it out.” At the time, I didn’t understand why he could be that way, but now I know why. After reading your articles, I now see it was my “spark” that fed him, and I’m starting to understand how powerful my spark was and can be again.
    Thank you so much, Melanie.

  73. Thanks for the wealth of information you share Melanie. I can relate so well to this article.

    I am now 2 years divorced to a Narc after 13 years together and two beautiful children.

    Onviously not all of that time was bad, clearly no one would stay that long. Prior to the last 4 years of absolute hell everyone thought we were the perfect couple. So happy. Looking back now of course there were many red flags but I just never saw them at the time I was too busy being moulded to his atandard and too busy apologising for things that half the time I never really understood what I had done wrong other than upsetting the person I loved. Over the past two years many professionals have have put my experience down to living with someone with bipolar disorder. I spent months trying to work out the difference bewtween the two and have now come to realise either way now I need to focus on my recover and not what is wrong with him. I can honestly say he does know what he does and he does know the way he feels is not normal but to this very day he can’t help but twist his blame into me for evey aspect of his life. If not me it’s his parents, friends, co-workers – everyone but him. This part I can manage, I have learnt over time his words are just that…words. He breaks court orders but only ever enough to be anything but a minor breach, lots of times to attempt to get a reaction from me, then went that fails he twists the events and emails me saying I have breached orders and he is taking me back to court. Our court orders state we must respond within 48 hours to each other for communication about the kids. It is so hard not to fight back to these constant lies but I am slowing learning it is the only way.

    The hardest part I struggle with is not letting my anxiety take over. My worries are all trapped inside because of cause I remain quiet around our children so they don’t know what’s going on, talk to family and friends who just think we are a typical high conflict divorce, talk to doctors who keep telling me I need to slow down and not stress so much, counsellors just tell me how to breathe and maintain my anxiety, then I will be fine. I’ve known for a while my whole thought process has changed, so many decisions I made are difficult because in my head I still think of what he would say or do if I make one wrong decision. I feel like a puppet with him still pulling the strings and no matter what I do to escape, I am obligated by court orders for him to be in control of every action I make. Our children have become pawns in his game to get to me but thankfully he has not turned on them…yet. It will happen the day they ever question him but for now they worship their dad so they are as loved as they can be.

    Thank you for bringing back some hope that I can one day live my live without feeling like a puppet xx

  74. How can you go no contact if you have a child with him. If you can’t go no contact because you have a child together does that mean you will never be free?

  75. First of all I would like to thank you for the wealth of information you provide for those of us who have been abused by narcissist. Also thank you for addressing the fact that men too are abused by women with this horrible condition. I spent 15 years married to one and I wouldn’t have a clue where to begin to describe the pain and horror she inflicted on me. I did much research to find answers as to how someone you love so much can do such terrible things to a person .When I began to read about narcissism its as if a dark veil had been lifted from my eyes. It all finally made sense. Of course we are always left with questions that will never be answered , but at least we can can have our own closure in a way and be able to find some inner peace . I am still in my own healing process and taking it day by day . I hope the information you provide reaches all those who have suffered the atrocities of narcissistic predators and they too can begin to heal. Thanks again Melanie for your words of wisdom and inspiration!

  76. First all your information is so enlightening. Its helping, but I am still doubting myself everyday and my worth. I have been reading all I can on this topic because the man I loved for over 15 years who was also my friend, so he had me believe. He just told me he was in love and marrying his new girlfriend, they are happy. All these years of being with him and thinking he cared for me as he had said so many times, then he would treat our situation like it was nothing special, made no sense until I found your articles.

    It started out so wonderful, I was very unhappy and he created such a connection for me, it was great, then very intimate and always friendly. But we did not make it a commitment, or should I say he never would with me. He had many relationships over the years too. I would see him off an on and especially when those would fail. I did feel like the fall back girl, but our personal lives were complicated and I was raising three boys which was very hard at the time. I never got the impression he wanted more anyway, so I had to accept or let go. I was so hooked I could not and figured in time, maybe it would be more. Eventually, he found someone he claimed he really like and maybe loved and wanted to be with her, so out of respect we could no linger talk or be friends. I was tossed aside. But our circumstances would not allow us to be together anyway, so I accepted. Five years later he reenters my life, fills me with promises he will never leave me again. I was always the one who made him happy and understood him. Tells me all I want to hear and my love for him never died so it grew even stronger and more hopeful this time around it would be a relationship. We started hanging out more, he even brought me around his friends which he never did before, he called, text and planned things with me. When he did go away a few times, he called and we talked for hours, he even said when he gets back I would never be lonely because he will always be there. He was for about a year. Then he had to move in with a older friend which I know made him feel bad because he was so independent, his financial situation was not improving and he was down. But I understood and gave him the support he needed confidence things will improve and never made him, feel bad about anything ever. Then one day someone told him that we looked like a great and happy couple. That evening he sent me home which he never did and said I don’t want to be in a relationship I just got out of one. I was hurt but understanding and he did say we were friends and he was happy with me.

    He continued to see me, and say things when we were together that you would only tell someone you truly cared for. (So I thought). I was so happy, so filled with hope this time around. Plus things were different for us both so it made it easier to move forward. But eventually this all changed and he would make plans with me but then blow me off or not call, or not text or respond to me and if I got upset he would say we were not in a relationship so why was I making a big deal. I tried to be understanding of his feelings too, so I accepted what I could and enjoyed the time I was with him. I know my friends would say I was allowing him to manipulate me. Its true. This continued for another year, he would see me, hang out and do things with me, but eventually he began having so many excuses why he could not see me. However, when he wanted to see me I was there NO excuses. Over these past few years after reconnecting from a five year break, I showered him with support, kindness, gifts, understanding when things were bad, and caring toward him at all times. He told me over a conversation several times, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and it was NOT about the intimacy at all. I even borrowed him money in time of need and helped him move twice at my expense / costs. No matter what, I was there and made sure he understood it was forever. However, he still went in and out of wanting to be with me.. When he would pull away I never thought he was seeing someone else, but I know I he most likely was. Soon, it became a battle just to talk to him. His responses were always the same I was bothering him at work, while resting, when he wanted to be with friends, it went on like this for a while. He stopped texting back and calling, got angry if i questioned him and always ask me why its a big deal we are just friends. I started to feel like a FWB and realized thats all it was for so many years. How could I be such a fool, I was king caring understanding, and loving to him and everyone I knew actually. I am smart, educated and have such a strong family and freind support system. How could I be this in love with someone who did not love me back!

    Here is where narcissist information is most helpful now…..Whenever he would tell me to STOP contacting him and after the rush of pain and grief , crying and hopelessness, I let go. But he would reach out to me, say he was sorry and realized I was what he needed or at the time of course. I wanted believe him and I again fell into the same routine of giving more than he did. He would make me feel special, say what I needed to hear and when we were together, it was so nice I would believe anything. At one point, he went away again for month when he came back he told me he had met someone and was with her but it did not work. In knew because as before during this time he stopped contacting me and wanted me to stop and was very short tempered when I did reach out or question things. But he came back and things picked up, again I did things for him like all was well and he never hurt me. Well the end did come slowly but started out with him asking for help to move out of his roommates place and he was in financial crunch too. I helped of course, paid for the moving expenses and told him not to worry I will be there for him during this trying time we have been friends, and more for years. He seemed so grateful I was there too. Next week after the move he was worried he did not have enough funds to cover truck repairs adn needed his truck to start finding work. I of course gave him this too. He was gain filling me with false hope and even said we should move in together. I said when you have you life in order for sure! He then said on the same say ok, lets just go away for the weekend and I agreed. I called a few days before weekend and he was GONE. Driving off to Texas to ask an uncle for financial help to get on his feet here with me. So he said at the time. OK, i again understood he needed to do this and all was good. We talked everyday, if he did not call back, he would eventually. He text back no problems with responding and telling me he missed me and would be home soon. Two months went by we stayed in touch but then the dreaded call came after he stared ignoring me again. He met someone, she is great and he would like it if we reduced our contact. I was devastated again!

    Two months later he calls to tell me he misses me, things did not work and he wants to come home see me again. I had just moved into a really nice place too. He wanted to stay with me enjoy the summer months and see what happens. We are talking and flirting all over again. Then, only a few weeks later he stops responding and calling, and finally sends me a text. it says, “I am back with her and we are happy, we are going to give it a try and I cant just keep running away from my problems. so please STOP sending messages or calling me. Please I know you understand and that’s why I am telling you this.” How emotionally draining. Two weeks prior I am happy, filled with hope and joy at the chance we might move forward and even live together. ( this is where I realized how pathetic I had become) I was so emotionally taken back I did call, cry, and try to understand why he did this. He was angry with me and ignored anything I sent or asked.

    Once again after a few months I let it go and tried very hard to accept it. But then he reaches out of the blue only two months later and said ” this is stupid we are friends, I am so sorry and DO care for you, I will call you ..” He did we talked and things were like nothing ever happened. He was not coming back until he made enough money to set up a place for himself. So we stayed in touch a lot. Flirted as always and I anticipated his return home. But of course he started to see the same girl he broke up with twice in six months again. I was once again insignificant because we were nothing but friends, as he always says during these times. So I let him go but we did stay in touch few times a month. By the summer last year and only six months later, he was texting and flirting with me and coming home. He seemed so determine to get back home, that he pleased with me to help find a place. Yes, of course I spent day and night looking meeting with realtors and in the area he wanted to be, and within his budget. It was hard work, but to me having him back well worth the time. He continued to stay in touch and shower me with hope, said when he returns we will sit under the trees, drink wine and he could not wait, he missed his friend (me). When I found the right one I even paid for the credit check and holding fees. He said when he got back i would get paid back for these along with the money he would on the truck. All seemed fine and I believed him again.

    Well it all changed, he said he did one last job and needed to wait for this money and was so angry for doing that because he was so happy about finally coming home. Of course I was understanding, took the loss on the apartment fees, and told him not to worry it would work out eventually. Whats another few weeks. As before our contacts became less, he began ignoring me and if I said he was he would become upset and tell me again, why do I make a big deal we are not lovers or in a relationship. He would hurt my feelings and I would do nothing about that but complain to my friends what an ass he was being. I am sure they were sick of the roller coaster more than I was. .

    So a few months passed with us talking less and less. He would just ignore my texts or not respond to a call and if we talked it was quick and less than a minute or two. I knew already what was next and by the fall he was in a new relationship and I was told I was a bother and to pull back on contacting him, contacts, etc. He did say he was still coming home but not till the spring when he saves more money and the relationship was just for company sake. This went on all fall and winter this year. He was less responsive and quickly agitated when i would reach out check up on him see how he was. It seems I would even reach out at the wrong times like when he was with her. A few weeks ago, actually two, he called and told me he is less responsive because he is with her and she is a jealous person and does NOT know about us and our long time friendship. But, mentions how he is tired of being there and wants to come home but needs to save money still.

    Now just TWO week later I reach out, say how are you and hope I am not disturbing you. He sends a text, ” I am getting married to my girlfriend, we are happy, she is such a good person and I want to stay with her..” The pain rushes over me like it never did before! We talked and agreed in the conversation I could no longer communicate with him, even as friends. He asked her if she would give up her long time male friends to be with him, and she said anything he wanted she would do. He said this told him she was the right person to be with and they are so very happy together. The killer is she is the same one he broke up with several times over the two years he was gone, got back and broke up again, and now she is his world? Also he did not even remember that just two weeks earlier he said she knew nothing about us and our friendship. But said in the conversation she knows all about us and our friendship being more intimate, etc. I could not figure out why he was lying about this without even realizing he was. Overall in the last conversation he says he wants to respect the relationship with her, and I am the sacrifice he has to make?

    What really brought me to this site and narcissism is the repeated pattern of leaving and coming back, the lies, and the need to understand what has been going on all these years. Am I needed and desperate, no. Am I stupid and unrealistic, yes. So now I too need understanding and closure. After the initial shock and pain, I decided to reach out one last time, I even told him keep the money he owes me as a wedding gift. He said what ever you want its OK. Just ask. I also sent an email requesting anything of our past be deleted, pictures of us or me, phone number, emails sent and explained it is best he starts his new life with her with no backgrounds or things about us still there. I also of course told him about how I felt and ended the email with a hope you are truly happy and this works as you anticipate. Goodbye.

    Well I got an email immediately back, and it was horrific!! He more or less accused me of being a stalker, a crazy nut case and said I had the power to stop contacting him but I choose not to! He said DON’T TEXT, DON’T CALL, DON’T EMAIL ME…leave me alone. Take care of yourself and stop worrying about him. I was so angry I called him to discuss this email message, and he repeatedly insulted me and said what the hell is wrong with you acting like we were long time lovers. We were friends but friends don’t contact each other like I was contacting him. I was the one who would not leave HIM alone and not understanding he is respecting his relationship now and I was a problem. He yelled and said I thought you understood in our last conversation I could NOT contact him. He was so angry, took over the conversation, said she knows everything about us and even helped him delete old pictures and emails off his computer, she is allowed on his phone and computer and he has nothing to hide, so how dare I even email him to ask. I should not be worrying about him at all.

    I was not worried about him however, I just wanted to make sure he had no more memories of me, no emails or messages. I wanted him to close this book and never contact ME again. I don’t want him to come across my picture one day and say, I should see how she is doing. But of course I am wrong for reaching out after I agreed not to. I never got to defend myself at all. We ended with him saying stop thinking and worrying about me take care of you and bye! Nothing was mentioned about the money he still owes or the way I was treated, He left me hanging with such emotional pain, I am not sure if I can recover.

    So I ask … Is he a narcissist? Or is it just that I cannot let him go?

  77. Wow. After 20 years of staying with a person with this problem, i have to say your article needs to be read by everyone – prior to dating, etc! I have been yelled at for finding the money to pay bills / solve problems, etc. It’s not an exaggeration to say that narcissists must have drama in order to feel alive. Now to find a way out. That’s an interesting task, once there are children involved. But healing is healing, and it’s never to be feared! Thank you for writing.

  78. As a recovering drug addict/ sex addict with 7yrs clean i find myself relating tremendously to the narcissistic sociopath. Fortunately i don’t relate to not caring or feeling and actually feel quite empathic and I’ve never purposely manipulated or purposely hurt lovers; however, i have spent my life relying on substances and people for self-gratification. Throughout my life as an addict i tried several times to obtain some level of sobriety with many failures until now. Each time going through the motions, knowing full well that i had plenty of unresolved issues. 7yrs ago i began the journey towards true sobriety. Now I’m a BSW student planning on going into the field of addiction and have been looking inward more closely than ever before and am finding that the inward struggle is just as alive today as it was when i was strung out on meth many years ago. I still continue to make bad choices in loving relationships with people who deserve to be treated better. I am now in the longest relationship I’ve ever been in and strive for it to be the one to break the cycle with. I may not be a true narcissistic sociopath, but sometimes i sure do feel like one when looking back at every relationship that I’ve ever had that i personally destroyed. My question is: How does one go about personal healing when they have been the perpetrator?

  79. I can’t express enough, how much I appreciate you and your gifts!!!! You are helping me and so many others save our lives and souls.

    I was on Youtube last night looking at something unrelated to narcissism, and interestingly to the right of what I was watching (where the suggested videos are), had a header, something like “Seven red flags of a narcissist” I could not help clicking on, which led me to more descriptions of the Narc.

    After about 45 minutes of listening, I had to return to your site, because I found myself focusing on him again. I am wanting spiritual and energetic solution.

    One of the many things that I am profoundly grateful for, is that you remind us that it is NOT about the narc, it is about our unhealed wounds.

    One thing you said to me in the last 3 keys to surviving N abuse, was that the ego is a narc. My ego is every bit as cunning to my recovery as my physical narc.

    I have listened up to module 7 of NARP, and I know that I am going to need to return to some of the earlier modules, maybe several times.

    I tend to have a delayed reaction to them. Often my feelings or information does not come to me while I am listening, it sometimes comes the morning after.

    What you said about your client, hit home for me. I want to be loved and to have approval almost more than anything. WANTING and not receiving, is big for me I have gotten very clear on other things too, Things that I thought I had worked through. Obviously I have more unleveling and healing ahead.

    I was hovered just the other day, and quite honestly, it did not take much, I was quite easily taken in, by a glance really. I watched myself the whole way through, It was like a bad movie. A bad boring movie.

    Lack and scarcity are gaping wounds, and it has played out in many ways, though I am seeing it in a new and very unfavorable way (thankfully because it is propelling me to heal more deeply)

    I have maybe been sexually abused, though I have no memory, just muscle testing. My sexual attraction i is a big hook with him, and he knows this, pulls me in, and withholds.

    I am amazed at myself, and the capacity I have for emotional turmoil. If I am thrown a crumb, I feel ecstatic, and if it is taken away, i feel gutted.


    At least I can observe this now, without judgement, and find compassion for my wounded self, thanks to your guidance and blog.

    I have realized through one of the modules, that I have really only allowed the universe, to give me crumbs, and how I have been “connecting” rather trying to connect with the narc, which makes me feel blocked and unworthy. (I know he only reflects, in technicolor, what I deeply believe)

    My emotions are definitely coming to the surface, even though I don’t always feel them during a module session.

    I feel very hopeful and I am going to admit, that I still have fear that this process won’t work for me. I am terrified that GOD does not love me, and that I will be coasting like this forever. I also know that I have to up level by beliefs about GOD and heal those too.

    You are a beautiful example of a thiver, and your story and the energy you exude now, is one thing that keeps me doing this work.

    I may need to upgrade to the gold, because I am seeing how important it is for me to connect with others. My tendency is to isolate and believe that I am all alone.

    Anyway, I will keep purusing your site and again thank you.

  80. Hello.
    Your blog and the daily emails I am getting to take me to each new day I think is going to give me the recovery path I need.
    My story.
    I met a man in my work place who slowly became my friend and he told me how he was really unhappy in his current relationship, that she was crazy, he then started flirtation up with me.
    I gave in to his charms within time, leaving my partner as well:
    We had a wonderful first year, I have never been treated so well, to all of our work colleagues they thought he was the perfect boyfriend, he couldn’t do enough for me, he bought me the most extravagant gifts. He never left my side he posted our whole romance over social media. I would like to add in here, that when we talked about him leaving his ex girlfriend for me, I thought he had done the honourable thing, and had been straight with her. I’ll explain more later.
    The cracks began to show as he thought I wasn’t giving him enough attention anymore when socialising, we socialised a lot, withstood and recreational Drugs, while this was fun in the beginning I started to have problems with friends as he thought I spent too much time talking to others and not him that others fancied me.. I took it as jeleasousy as he loved me, but he started to make me anxious as I could never do anything right.
    This got out of hand and it turned into unesseseray jeleousy. He accused me and my boss of getting up to no good. (Who was also his boss) luckily my boss put it down to alcohol and didn’t react. But on the back of that episode my ex went missing for the weekend and this was where he started cheating, well he spent the weekend with someone, making everyone lie for him, I did not truly find out until a few months later, l always new something wasn’t right, and I discovered it.
    I went through a terrible time, of being loved and adored to him accusing me, constantly to him going out of control cutting my initial into his skin with broken glass when he was on a rampage, I asked him to leave many times always after these explosions that he couldn’t live with out me.
    He smashed up my phone he smashed up my mirror in my house all because he thought I was playing with him I was flirting with others. Sex was a very big part of our relationship, he was I think slightly addicted to the physical part of sex, he watched porn a lot, but the sex with us he always seemed emotionally weakened, his first comment to me the first time we had sex was “that was incredible, I don’t do feelings so don’t ask about feelings” I think he was a bit overwhelmed and not in control, (I am nine years older) he glorifies all the time how many girls he has slept with and cheated on.
    Jumping to when I found out, I became dismissed. He did try for a while, a romantic trip to Rome, but he didn’t like that I forgave him, and I didn’t like how he expected everything to be the same just because I decided to stay with him.
    He then started saying that he was talking to his ex the one before me, he told me this whole in Rome, and made me sleep on the floor in the other room, locking the door, we made up the next day, we always did. My confidence was going, he could see that.
    Going to now, the past six months I found him on tinder, he told me he was doing all sorts with all sorts then telling me he wasn’t and he never could that my body was all he could ever want, we was in love and hated every other day it changed.
    He did get the sack from his job at our work place as he physically tried to attack our boss as he was jeleous over our relationship. But that was my fault. Everything became my fault. He moved out and from there I became a wreck chasing after him, he was horrible and dismissive. He came back to me one Friday I was going on holiday two days later he yd me everything I wanted to hear, he said we are magnets he can’t live without me, we had physical sex all night long, I was finally dismissed without a backward glance from that last time. I was blocked on everything and while on holiday I received a few Reya from my many emails that he is simply happier on his own. It was just sex. I asked him over and over if he had met anyone. He said in his weaker times he couldn’t move on yet as I had imprinted on his heart.
    Last week I confronted him. We hugged kissed he said he loves me thinks of me every day he doesn’t know if we could go back but to chill and see.
    One week later I was really trying to give him space to miss me. I sent a nice message in the Saturday night, I woke up to him posting a social media picture of him and his new girlfriend that from what I pieced together started before he saw me that last time.
    It is a friend of the family who she must assume as I he would only get involved if he really really is into it long term as there is a lot of people involved if it was just a fling. I contacted his ex and said I had thought a lot about her as I was worried he did the same to her, when we stated. He did. She was incredible and said I deserved more and he is a joke, in time I will look back and laugh at him, as he is a joke.
    Your site and blog will help me. But I need to look at why I stayed with him for that whole year to be ripped apart.
    Thank you

  81. Dear Melanie,
    I was with a N for 12 years, married for 7 and have two daughters 8and 6yrs old. It took me 2 1/2 years, lots of therapy but I am now finally divorced and we have 50/50 custody only contact can be through court ordered email family wizard. I am finally getting back to my strong sense of self, confidence and not running away to avoid upsetting the N however I still feel like I am at standstill and can’t get myself over this last hurdle to be completely emotionally free of the N or his GF( supply) who he triangulates into all aspects of the custody etc. My 1st question is, how do I continue staying focused on my inner self and not get pulled back into the N when we have to communicate about our children and he creates toxicity on even the most minute topics regarding the children?

    My 2nd question is, besides role modeling for the girls, what else can I do to empower my daughters so they don’t lose themselves like I did?
    My oldest sometimes says she’s stupid or has no feelings and pulls away after seeing her father even if it’s just for an hour at school lunchtime. My youngest is very bright and says her father just has something wrong with his brain ( she’s said this since she was 3) but she can’t pinpoint it and she is very much outspoken and will vocalize her feelings whereas the older child doesn’t. I feel like there’s something more I need to do for both girls but need some guidance. Thank you for being the light!

  82. Once we acquire enough information on WHY we ended up with a narcissist, it can be very simple: DETACH…detach on everything. Start checking on your self and ask: Am I being loving towards me today, at every moment? Am I learning who I really am and liking what I see?


  83. Dear Melanie

    Thank you so so soso much!! I’m married to an N for 14 years. We have children together. I’m day 2 on receiving your emails and so far already I see the rut I’m in. He’s a specialist medical doctor,(we’re both in the medical field) highly influencial and altruistic as you described. That’s why I’ve stayed so long. He refers patients and is personal with the marriage therapist we were seeing. She didn’t believe me when I told her what I’m going through. She rejected my diagnosis of npd even when j told her. She kept saying he’s got traits that’s all. Now after severe emotional neglect and verbal abuse, repeated silent treatment and now finally I’m now also smeared in his campaign at his work and with all my close friends and family. He makes sure he has sex with me daily as a form of control even when he’s been cold shouldering me during the day and I dint refuse him because up to now I didn’t realize that it’s not normal to accept this breach of boundaries. I counsel and refer other women in absueive marriages but till now (up to about a year) I didn’t know I was a victim of n abuse!!

    He saw a psychiatrist and pulled a fast one and he completely missed it.

    He also contacted the psychitrast I was seeing and together (he says) they agreed I’ve got borderline and other cluster b symptoms not otherwise specified. All the health practitioners don’t believe the abuse I go through day in and day out. I was trying to find all the articles to stay married to him to survive for the kids. He shows his false altruism to them too (in bouts). I’ve been asked by my parents to be patient and push the “goal posts” each time.

    A fully qualified Heath practitioner and I ended being a full time SAHM raising kids as best as I could. I lost my ability to function for a long time. I’ve regained some by consulting the abuse sites where they talk of self care. Al the while not knowing its was npd abuse.

    His diagnosis hit me on search when I began searching “stonewalling”. Then I began learning how to be a better wife. Still he carried in.

    Then I searched “silent treatment”. This led me to Npd. Then after the smear campaign he’s playing now, I realize that indeed he’s not with traits he’s full on npd and he’s had all the red flags of lack of empathy throughout my ill and pregnancy times.

    I’m at the happy phase of the cycle now and he’s out of town. Last week he announced divirce 30min after he announced he loves me. This week I’m bombed with love texts saying how well make it. He sends me npd links saying I have npd and he says he’ll pray for me to come right and that he’ll make do with me.

    I am now exhausted and my children too with repeat announcements of ending our home especially when “things were going so well”.

    My question to you:
    How do I live with him until I have made preparation to exit? He’s already sent fat allegations through a lawyer in the past rendering me psychiatric and abusive to children to win custody. Do I continue sleeping with him when there’s a risk of another partner/s? Do I continue being the wifey I always have without questioning any of his actions?

    How do I exit? I have decided to divirce and my my brother and folks have finally seen his true face. They are waiting for my decision. I want to move town and persue my profession and move all children with me to school where I’ll be nearer to my folks and sibling. I don’t have any Psychaitrist in this small town. The therapists here know him for being the altruistic specialist. I wish to move to the larger city where all therapy and amenities are in order. How do I manage no contact with joint custody?

    How do I do this without narcisituc injury? How does one convince the therapist who the narcisit is and who the victim is? He is as you say emotionally locked in childhood yet his IQ is way way above average. He has the technological ability to stalk me and bug electronics to know what I’m doing in his absence.

    Please advise step by step.

    I’d appreciate!!

  84. I just got out of a relationship with the 3rd narc in a row for me. Each time i have done deep inner work and felt more healing, then, the next Narc relationship followed! I am now starting your NARP program.
    I do have a question… it seems my healing has been in layers. Each relationship WAS in fact better than the last, which i believe is due to the inner work i have been doing. Would you agree? and can people be on a continuum of narcissism? my last partner was not raging or unfaithful (i dont feel he was & i know the FEELING i’ve had when being cheated on) I heard you say in one of the modules that we never arrive, that its a life long process. Help! i’m scared to repeat this pain!

  85. Hi Melanie,

    Your work has spoken to me deeply – thank you. I wonder if you might comment on narcissism at work, which seems to have affected me deeply.

    I had an emotionally disturbed childhood, with parents who fought constantly and a very needy mother who used me as an emotional prop, enmeshing me with guilt to meet her needs over many years. I have always suffered from anxiety and a deep need for ‘safety’ but have a loving relationship with a wonderful wife.

    I was generally ‘OK’ until …

    I started to work with my older brother. I think he has highly narcissistic traits. Over several years I witnessed and was subjected to bullying, lies, manipulation, paranoia, the full works. It seems he needed absolute control and adoration at all times and surrounded himself with a carefully chosen fan club to deliver these things. I didn’t belong to the club!

    I stayed because I felt I was getting safety although I hated it and felt my integrity was assaulted regularly, although I generally bottled it all up. Eventually I had to leave and thought I’d be OK but instead I crumbled, had a breakdown and got severely depressed, suddenly feeling very scared and unsafe. I even tried to go back. I feel a huge void inside me, like I’ve been hollowed out and I’m in severe emotional pain.

    Do you recognise this sort of situation? Can your therapy model help me?

    Thanks and God bless.

    1. Hi Peter,

      yes, absolutely my therapy model is for any narcissistic relationship issue because it is about healing and uplevelling all the original wounding which has unconsciously lead us to this point.

      What you are describing is the total normal symptoms of N-abuse.

      Come into my present webinar group – that is the best way for you to experience the healing process.


      Mel xo

      1. Thank you Melanie, I appreciate your comments very much. I will sign up and prey it’s not too late for some light. I have a huge amount to be grateful for in my life but despite this I still find myself close to the edge of an abyss. Kindest regards.

  86. Hi Melanie, thanks for all your great work.

    I’m struggling to understand if my husband is a narcissist. I went to a counsellor who told me he is, very quickly in the first session, without meeting him. Many of his behaviours match up with narcissistic behaviour, but they are on the much more subtle end of the scale than I’ve seen described anywhere else. It doesn’t feel like he is consciously plotting to undermine me, it feels like he is extremely unconscious of his own behaviour, even towards himself. He also has some very deep rooted body image issues (unless of course he is an incredibly devious narcissist and talented actor and these are being made up too, but I really struggle to believe that) which complicates things further as whenever we talk about the root of my unhappiness in our relationship it comes back to that. Ie. he can’t be loving, affectionate and sexual with me because he doesn’t feel good in his own body. He refuses to go to counselling or get help with the deeper root of these body image issues and says that when he loses weight things will change, so he’s treating the surface level problem, not the underlying reason. He also refuses to go to relationship counselling with me.

    I’m really, really confused. I can’t tell if he is just a deeply insecure person who is struggling terribly with his body image and has fallen unconscious / is numbing out because of the pain he feels because of that, or if he is actually a narcissist who I need to detach from and leave. I’ve found nothing so far that fits and confirms my situation, only articles, videos, comments and accounts where I can pick out one or two things that fit him being a narc, but that could also be attributed to something else.

    I feel like since the counsellor told me I am married to a narc I’ve been looking for all scraps of evidence that he is one, and I’ve found lots. But are they true? Are they actually symptomatic of something else? Am I able to find so many because I’m intently looking for them now? As I said they’re all quite subtle, nothing “really obvious” like physical or sexual abuse or infidelity.

    Please help! This counsellor had me ready to leave and divorce him asap, but I am so confused and don’t want to make a rash decision when I’m unsure.

    Thank you!

  87. I wish I had come across this sooner. It all makes sense now. I’m a Social Worker and I couldn’t see it. For years I have been trying to diagnose my boyfriend of 9 years with SOMETHING. Our relationship started as an affair..and I really thought we were meant to be together. Both of our marriages ended…and that’s when I saw this pattern of behavior in him. He cheated on me for someone else..but that relationship only lasted a few weeks and he was back with me. This cycle has continued for years. And now, I realize the long stretches we went without breaking up, that he must have been going behind my back. he is always on his phone, has a ton of women friends, and always stays in contact with ex’s. He is in AA and has been sober for 22 years and seems to do the work well. He doesn’t seem to think he needs therapy because he has AA. Any therapy we have gone to or he has gone to alone has been very short term. We just ended our relationship again a couple of weeks ago. Of course I am always the one who sends texts because I feel devastated. He ignores me because he knows how much that bothers me. I see how I am feeding him energy by even giving him attention. So its been 5 days and I haven’t contacted him. History shows that in a week or so he will contact me because that’s just about the time I start to let go and he can feel it. I don’t want this anymore. I cant live like this. I have to be strong this time. I am so so glad I found you Melanie.


  88. Hi,

    I’ve recently discovered this site and after reading about Narcissists, I’ve realized that my ex-husband is a classic case. The problem is that our daughter who is 31 and I’ve had a rough time with since she was a teenager, is also a narcissist, it’s got to be genetic, because I gave her the best life I could, I was not perfect, but I didn’t abuse her mentally or physically. I had two other children, 1 died at birth and my son died 7 years ago at the age of 21….my daughter has gone back and forth with excluding me from her life at times, but now it’s gotten to the point that she is just constantly lying to me and is excluding me from everything. she is getting married next june and I have been deliberately been kept out of any type of wedding planning by my daughter her dad and his girlfriend. I am left alone for the holidays, I have been trying to get together with my daughter for the past 2 1/2 months and she either will not respond to any of my attempts at communication or tells me lies that she is too busy. I have seen her post on Facebook about being with her dad and his girlfriend at least 10 times during this period and twice she spent the weekend at his house. I tried to ask my ex why they are doing this and why my daughter is mad at me? He of course, told me that they do nothing to exclude me, it’s all in my head, I don’t talk like a normal adult…blah blah blah….and then he throws in that he’s paying for the wedding and it’s not important for me to be involved because he is going to marry his girlfriend some day…I just don’t know what to do, the pain is killing me. I have no other family and i’m still grieving my son (my daughter and her dad think i should “get over it” or “let it go” already). My son, was never mean to me, he was more like me, super sensitive and a people pleaser….I have tried asking my daughters friends if they know why she’s mad at me, they have either ignored me or told me to ask her and not involve them. The trouble is, she won’t talk to me…I’ve tried to text her and tell her that I love her and I want her to be happy and if that means excluding me from her life, so be it. it’s painful, but i will do what she wants….I then asked her to just please tell me what I did to make her so angry…I can’t get an answer….what can i do? thanks.

    1. Dear Simone and Melanie,

      When one grows up in a Narcissitc situation, they cannot help but pick up everything that goes along with it. Once again, Melanie, if your out there……get onboard. I don`t think it is genetic. Your husband most likely spotted you early on and decided that you would serve as a source of “supply” for him. Your daughter picked up the traits of the narc from her earliest years as a child. It was all around her as he worked his trade on you, the unknowing victim.
      Sadly, you did not know that, that is all you meant to him. And Melanie`s article on “supply” has to be the best I have ever read on this. It is absolutely stunning in its clarity and ability give all the base information that you need!!!!
      Your daughter is for sure, “daddys girl” and that leaves you out of the circle.
      “I don`t talk like an adult”,” get over it”, “let it go.” My goodness, this is nothing short of verbal abuse and you should not take it. Back to Melanie here……fighting back, sadly, gives your ex supply….so be careful and limit yourself. Remember that narcs don`t understand boundaries and you have to set them for yourself……a hard lesson to learn at first.
      I am not a therapist,) but your family members are cruel, heartless and have no empathy for you whatsoever.
      In a nutshell, you are banging your head against a brick wall . So, you may have too do a little pre-no contact yourself and get out of this no-win situation. She is not really angry with you. She is “projecting” pure and outright abuse at you. It gets kind of complicated now and I am not there to see first hand. In the meantime….read every one of Melanie’s articles and educate yourself on what your are dealing with. Often times a retreat will turn out to be a victory in the long run.
      Your going to need every bit of information and lots of guts to pull it off. But you can do it!!

  89. brilliant article. if you find yourself within any of the stages above go OUT into your community, however painful it is, find others like you and sing dance act make run and play x x x turn 180 degrees away from narcissists. Empower yourself by discovering you. i send you the massive love i have spare after turning away from narcissists. personal ones AND the government. pull down the stage and be vulnerable you x x x

  90. Thank you for your articles. You have given me inspiration and hope to look inward on my consciousness rather than on the narcissist. You are a god send .

  91. Matching up is the most powerful truth I’ve learned so far. After two terrible relationships that did not bring about anything effective in my self-healing, even though I’ve been blindly attempting it, I matched up with a narc that was terrifyingly similar to me: The same age, same attractiveness, same childhood upbringing, same history of being molested in childhood at roughly the same age, same interests, etc. We even spoke of how alike we were in so many ways. I understand now that I had to match up with someone so similar and at a time when I was desperately vulnerable, in order to open myself up to destruction and – FINALLY – healing the old wounds. The greatest favor he ever did for me was to drop me and erase me from his life as if I’d never existed. I’m filled with compassion for my narc, and I never want to see him again. What a terrible existence for anyone to endure!

    I am on the road to healing and trying to help others heal, and I’m so grateful for the information and help you’re providing. God bless you.

  92. Thank you so much. I take responsibility and am working on myself. I find it so helpful to receive the email daily in my box, it always seems to show up when I am feeling low. I stop, read it, and have the strength to keep moving forward to my own recovery!
    You are my own personal coach, your good heart is very loved. Thank you!

  93. Thank You Melanie!
    I found you a few days ago when extracting myself from a church with a N Pastor! I had only been there a few months and felt it a safe haven until the Pastor started turning everything into something personal for him! I knew enough about N to know…nope, not going to supply his over inflated ego with my energy that was intended for God and only God!! I left there writing a note but saying nothing but I would not be back for personal reasons! He and his wife have contacted me but I also know ‘no contact’ is the way to go!
    A year ago I left a 9 years marriage to a N who definitely drained me mentally and physically in a short time! I am now 69 and have decided through reading your materials and much prayer that at my age I better get busy healing myself and living! I thank you for your insights and encouragements! May we all heal and live productive lives from now on with the knowledge that we can walk away when the situations become less than comfortable for us! Karen

  94. Dear Melanie,

    I could not thank you enough for this article alone. I don’t have enough words to describe how amazing this article has helped me to a new level of understanding the Narcs. I now have so much compassion for them, too. I can not imagine how confusing they must be with people, because they don’t think they are doing anything wrong. Things don’t make sense to their own logical thinking. They don’t understand and know that they were born already defective. They can not feel what we feel because of their ” already dead inner self”. They somehow can not get a hold of logical emotional issues like we do. This concept is very hard for them to get.
    I really feel for them now, after months and months of researching for answers myself. I was torn. I was defeated. I was broken into pieces. I was desperated. I was angry. I regretted to have known my Narc. I resented my Narc. I was disappointed in myself. I aged faster, I looked so old when I was with my Narc. I was beaten down emotionally and mentally and physically. I lost weight… I went to therapies with him ( the therapist got manipulated by him later on) I went to AA meetings ( my Narc is an active alcoholic) I went to Alanon meetings, I went to CoDa meetings, I checked out SLAA meetings also to figure out what wrong with me….. At the same time I went searching online for Narc ( this term stumbled on me when I looked at toxic relationship), then I stumbled on your name!!!!! Someone had mentioned your name online! I took and wrote your name down. The next day I went looking for you and found you everywhere across the globe.
    This is a miracle that I found you!
    Melanie you are the Godsent spiritual teacher coming to my life at the right time. I can not thank you enough for what you have done to help all of us. Because of what I learned from reading your articles since I found you a month ago, I truly believe that my Narc is the spiritual messenger came to my life to help me heal my so many unhealed deep wounds I have had since a very young child. This is the right time for me to focus and heal myself. There is no better time for me to do this. I couldn’t have done this 5 years or 10 years ago… I believe my Narc came to my life at the right time ( one year and 4 moths ago)
    I was so confused and frustrated with how the way my Narc treated me. I did have a sense of him being imbalanced metally when I first dated him. I thought it was age different between us ( he is 54, I am 42). I was so upset and baffled most of the time at how he behaved. He has anger inside of him ( I thought maybe because he is getting older and he has a difficult life early on because he was adopted and his real birth mother does not want to talk or see him even though he reached out to her). No matter how I tried and tried to make some sense out of him, I fail always. The more I tried the more drama we had. At times, he was very frustrated too! He expressed to wish our relationship would be better. He said many times he wanted a long commitment relationship with me… But somehow it was hard for us to maintain because most of the time he would tell me that he is “perfect” the way he is, and told me I needed to change to fit in his ” big world”. ( I came from Vietnam, to him it’s a “small world” and because I’m still conservative. He came from Wales, it’s a more modern world according to him) PLUS, he claimed that he has been in therapies for years along time ago because his friends told him that he didn’t know how to love or be in love relationship due to his adoption issue to begin with (Red flag, right)… Therefore, he told me that I should be the one to go see therapist to seek help, because he has done therapies a long time ago. He said he did not need therapies any more, and that he already knew how therapist works……
    Anyway, I was in so deep with him. I was in love with him. I thought there is room for me to grow and learn to be a better partner and person… So I took on so many verbally abuses during the course of one year and four months… I broke up with him so many times only to come back every time he reached out and asked me to come back because he claimed I was the love of his life ( so typical, right?!)
    I was so frustrated and looked for answers everywhere… I blame myself for our bad relationship… I was desperated!!!!!
    Finally, I told him I needed to take a break from relationship to focus and work on myself to become a better person. I was firm this time. I blocked email from him, I blocked Facebook from him, I blocked his phone number… in that order!!!
    It was very hard for me to go No Contact. I was not ready to let go of him. I was not ready to let go of hope and dreams. I was waiting for some miracles to knock him out of his sense and to change….. But what I didn’t realize is that, he is who he is, and he will never change.
    Thanks to your article, it really opened my mind to understand that my Narc will alway be the way he was born and has been carrying with him all the defection that he came to this life with… He did not want to be that way. He does not even know that. Poor Narcs!!! I have empathy for them.
    I also thank my Narc to bring me the message to my life. I need to learn how to heal my own wounds that happened early on in my childhood life and be free from them all.
    Melanie, I thank you again for this article and this article alone. Because no matter how many research I have read, I always have been confused and frustrated more with my Narc…. This time and this article woke me up in a very positive way with a new light to look at my Narc and understand him and love him and send him away with all my warm affection ❤️??

    I love you all and my heart goes out to everyone who has been/is in this kind of abuse. I hope you found/ will find a way to your happy ending.


  95. Melanie This was very well written , easy to understand and the most helful of any of the Narcissist information ever read by me previously by far!! I needed this so much to understand what was going on with my Narcissist and why and to see my part in it too. I feel a weight is lifted and I am getting free! Thank you very much for caring enough to share your wisdom with others in such detail and to show both sides of the game.

  96. Dear melanie, just read through all the info and responses, it’s pretty evident
    that i am a “N” could you possibly send me the info i need to start the healing
    process. i am 67 years old and have ruined all these years with broken relationships

  97. Melanie,
    Your description of narcissistic abuse is incredibly meaningful to me. I have used this description of my husband for years, “He has to protect his veneer at all costs.” He has no empathy, self-policing, or accountability. He confuses accountability with shame. He confabulates and twists the truth masterfully. He has professed to waking up with a stomach for years because he is afraid everyone will find out he is a fraud. Finally after 24 years of marriage you have put clarity to my experiences. The complicated part of this is we have 4 boys, our income is solely his restaurant business and now he has been diagnosed with early onset alzheimer’s disease at age 59. I am overwhelmed from having Hodgkins disease 30 years ago and the radiation from the treatment caused my aortic valve to fail 5 years ago. While being diagnosed with the faulty valve they also found lung cancer. So Five years ago I had open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve, 6 weeks later I had lung surgery to remove 2 lobes of my right lung and 11 months later I had a double mastectomy for breast cancer. Of course there were plenty of complications during those years. 2 years later my brother died of a brain injury due to alcoholism. We had to pull the plug and I was left in charge of my 91 year old mother who is the source of much of my own unhealed injuries as a child. I am overwhelmed and fatigued. Although the cancers and surgeries were easy compared to the narcissistic abuse! Currently I don’t have the energy or finances to divorce as well as with the Alzheimer’s it seems inhumane to me and to my boys. He lives in the same house at the other end of the hallway and I have initiated No contact by only communicating via email. He has kept me out of his business although I am a very intelligent business person. I am fortunate enough to have a very strong support system from which I get my sources of love.
    Any comments you have would be very interesting to me. You are a very experienced and intelligent woman!!!!

  98. Hi Melanie,

    I am seeing a pattern in my relationships. I am actively in recovery from alcoholism for a few years and have been in two relationships with what appears to be two narcissists since i got sober. I am also divorced-this person does not appear to be a narcissist but a fearful codependent when we were married. I am the adult child of an alcoholic. Alcoholism runs deep within my family. I am fearing I am using these initially approving romantic relationships to soothe myself in place of alcohol. I have done step work to try to determine the root emotion. I believe it must be self worth? I have suffered with mild to moderate depression for some years on and off. When these partners who I believe are narcissistic leave my life I am completely devastated for a period of time. I truly truly believed this last partner was the one I was meant to find. We were best friends for years. We had very similar life stories. The relationship ended very abruptly due to financial circumstances beyond both our control. However I feel there is always a solution if the person is worth the effort. In my world love is a verb. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.

  99. Melanie I love your posts & videos & am need of your counsel! My boyfriends exwife is NPD & they have 2 children, sharing joint custody. It’s becoming increasing difficult because she is gaslighting with the children and their school, keeping them out of school during her time for up to 4 days in a row due to illness that she is exaggerating (munchausen by proxy) and she asks for favors/ changes to the custody terms every week. My boyfriend is ready to relinquish custody to her 100% so that we can greatly reduce the drama she inflicts on our household on a weekly basis. I am terrified for the children but she is their mother, and she has, and she will continue to, mess with their heads and hearts. Yet it is so exhausting to us as individuals and as a couple, to be constantly on alert to what battle, what fire, we will have to put out next with the NPD. How to we maintain distance & disengage from the NPD when children are involved? If we do give custody to her, what retaliation can we expect since she will inevitably come back to receive supply from us?
    Thank you.

  100. Hi Melanie. Thank you. This is so very deep. You seem relentless at fighting this “virus” and I commend you and sense a real calling and devine backing in you. I am currently in 12 step recovery for sex addiction and substance abuse. (My N was supplying both for me and apparently I was supplying her with my soul, sadly.) I’m doing a lot better now. One year clean of drugs AND her and I was wondering if you have any opinion on 12 step recovery and would I benefit more from your program? Thank you again for your hard work.

  101. Hi Mel, thanks for this article! I found it amazing, I liked how you explained all these complicated ways of relating to a N and to ourselves. The part we play in it and how to start healing. I recently finished a 2 year and a half relationship with a man who I believe now is a narcissist, or at least has a lot of that. I am starting my path here, feeling better each day but I do still love this man and makes me sad to read how empty and broke inside is. This means he can not recover, he will never be happy? It breaks my heart, shouldn’t I have these feelings? Am I sick too for still loving him no matter what? I don’t plan to come back to him, I had enough, but I really wish he could heal. Thanks

    1. Dear Silvi
      I too still love my N, love and sorrow to see a man so broken inside. I now know that i can’t be his healing, i hoped for years my unconditional love would be his parh to freedom, but i was only kidding nyself. He has totally regetted me now, even three little crumbles have now run out.
      But i wish i could go to him one more time and show him how to get better. Just like a sister a morher. The lover part of me he has already killed, but the mother and sister are still there longing to cuddle him and help him.

  102. Did you write this about my hub? This is my experience. After 25 years, he had some kind of mental break, the mask came off completely, although if I’m honest, I can look back and see red flags that I ignored, but this time, he destroyed me with an affair, was ready to throw everything away for someone he became addicted to (his words) after only a handful of weeks, now wants to be single and “explore his identity on a solo journey”, wanted me to TRY polyamory so he could have both of us to see who he wanted, and left me. When I filed for divorce, he got mad at ME cos I guess he thought I was just going to sit here and wait. It was a shock to him that generated narcissistic rage. But he’s hoovering, still keeping me as supply, and I feel like i HAVE to have some contact and keep him “happy” because he can make the legal stuff a living hell. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, but how do you stop loving someone? How do you successfully disengage? How could he not only leave me but our first brand new grandchild?
    How could he just discard me and not even want to TRY to repair 25 years?

  103. WOW! I suspected several mental illnesses as well as narcissism of my ex husband but was never sure what was wrong with him or me but I knew there was something very wrong. I always learned about the disorder and other disorders relentlessly but not what a relationship was like with them. This perspective is when the light shone for me and everything became clear. Your articles/videos have touched me significantly! Now I know he was a narcissist and that I always diminished the things he did to me. After 8 years with him, I stayed single (no dates or sex) for 7 years. I feared men greatly and convinced myself I didn’t need anyone. They would just hurt me. I decided my kids didn’t need to go through my dating different men while I tried to find “Mr. Right” and I knew I wasn’t healthy and didn’t want to attract more bad into my life or my boys. I became a hermit and a workaholic. I excelled at work but let my looks go as to not attract any men who seemed to show constant interest in me and I withdrew. This 7 years ended when I realized that my boys were about to leave the nest. I realized I would be alone. This frightened me more. The boys were the only relationships I had besides my one close friend. Then I desperately lost weight and started trying to socialize so I wouldn’t be alone and not know what to do with myself. I started dating again and then found another narcissist. This time he was less narcissistic and an alcoholic like my father instead of a meth head like my ex-husband. Apparently I have healed some over those years though because the second relationship only lasted 2 years and ended very recently. He told me that I was crazy and over-sensitive and got angry when I had any feelings about his mistreatment. I knew I wasn’t and he was being delusional cause he couldn’t handle that fact that he caused it. He could show some sympathy as long as he didn’t inflict the pain. He is coming to the house to get the rest of his belongings Saturday. He had two kids and the youngest was just like him except for she didn’t have his anger issues but of course she wasn’t allowed to because he rules the roost. I still love him deeply and it drives me crazy because I know everyone says its not ok but I truly want to help him. I want to fix myself more though which is why I ended it.I knew I had to for myself. But it has not stopped this painful urge to “save” him from himself….just as I want to save myself from myself. I am now in survival mode. As I realized I have been most of my life. I am tired of surviving. It’s exhausting and painful. I want to actually be happy and not pretend to be happy for everyone else. I have been living life for everyone except me for so long. I don’t even know what I want besides the desire to help people. I know I can’t help anyone before I help myself though. I haven’t even cried yet or dealt with what I am going through. I am afraid I will completely melt-down this time. I ended it at a bad time for me financially. I have bills but no job but knew I had to end it anyways. Fortunately, I got a job yesterday and start Monday. It will be a good distraction. I’m struggling with codependency, PTSD, and OCD and the last two have gotten much worse after living with the second. He has helped to open my eyes to some of my negative and self-defeating behaviors though. Now that the rose-colored glasses are off concerning him, I can see things for what they are most of the time but I always have self-doubt as one of my biggest fears is trusting myself. I am agnostic so I won’t “Thank God” for you but I am thankful for your presence in the world and that you chose to thrive so you can help people like us. It is desperately needed. I am completely broke right now but hope that I will have the ability to get your program for overcoming NA very very soon as I feel like I am crumbling and worried I am going to shut down completely or worse become like him.

  104. I have done a lot of reading on narcissism as I have come to believe my husband is a narcissist. One of the most informative books I have read is “Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life” by Linda Martinez-Lewi. I recently stumbled upon Melanie’s website and am so grateful as it is more informative and interactive and I need the daily injection of information as I struggle to put my life back together, post-narcissist and post-alcohol. My life has been a roller coaster ride, with my slide into alcoholism, which resulted in 3 rehab in-patient centres. The first two didn’t work as I was only sober in the first case for 3 months and in the second only 1 month before getting a DUI. I buried my emotions in alcohol as I couldn’t handle the constant put downs and unreasonable expectations. The more I followed through, the higher the expectations until I couldn’t cope any longer. I became a shadow of my former self, walking on egg shells daily as to not upset the apple cart. I was constantly feeding him with praise while he constantly “reminded” me of how he has given, given, given and what a good person he is. I am now living in my own apartment and am 7 months sober. The reason, in my own opinion, this recent rehab worked is I didn’t go back to the same environment. I went to live with my daughter when I came out then got my own apartment. My “home” now is a safe haven for me. My story is a long one, which I won’t go into at the moment, but needless to say the pain has been excruciating, particularly in the aftermath of his numerous affairs, which he claims were because I wasn’t sufficient. But, he says he always came back to me so I should be grateful! He is currently involved with a woman who is 22 years younger than he is, which hurts so badly. I can’t imagine what that relationship must be like, feeding his ego and his prowess being with such a young woman, but how can she not possibly see his true colours? It baffles me. I guess this must be what they call the “honeymoon” stage. The rest will follow I’m sure as he is the least compassionate person I have ever encountered and what is very annoying is he doesn’t know how to listen. Everything turns into him. I haven’t learned yet to stop communicating or wanting good communication. He is the only person I have ever truly loved. What is interesting is that all 4 of my children have come to me and are so incredibly supportive. Each one of them and I have a very close bond, which is so comforting. They don’t wish to be with him because of his negative and judgmental influence.

  105. Melanie, this is so true. I had know for years there is a problem with my partner. We are married now 25 years and from about 2 years after our marriage I had saw red lights. But look at the positive of the situation. Now I know that she is a narcissist. And what I read from this blog of yours I recognise that it can be projected to others when they are open to take it. Then I realise that comes from her mother to her and she had projected to our youngest son. The most important is that for the last few years I develop myself by read a lot of articles what is uplifted. When I look back on my life I realise I was also so – negative about everything and people. But I’m busy to develop for the positive. Thank you for sharing these topic. We must let the world know about these effects narcissist had on the environment. Thanks Melanie.

  106. Hi Melanie,

    I have read so much of what you have written. I connect with your analogies and explanations immediately, understanding what you are communicating. As frightening as it is. If you are in the throws of this experience, it lasts a lifetime, even after the person is no longer in your life. Naming it, accepting the loss of that person, accepting personal responsibility, and the quest to find one’s true self has been so deeply meaningful to me at the tender age of 52! When I see others not accepting responsibility for what is happening to them, I want to shake them and direct them to you. Only a very short while ago, I’m sure many thought the same of me. So another email to you to say thanks, I do believe you saved my life.

  107. This is a fantastic article, and so informative! So every time the ex narcissist would insult me, put me down, or do something to upset me , (breaking up with me to teach me a lesson, as he informed me, was one of his favorites), seeing me so devastated and crying made him feel more worth – while and better about himself? That is so twisted. This is the first thing I have read that explains this so clearly. Wow. What an eye -opener.

  108. ”Simply sitting with a psychic vampire leaves you feeling emotionally drained and exhausted” I had to laugh about that, I know that feeling all too well! I would sit next to him on the couch, not even talking, and just feel like the life was being sucked out of me, and it was so exhausting. These relationships are the strangest things to go through, and the sad part is until two months ago I had no idea what a narcissistic personality/relationship was. Thank God for these websites and blogs, and for all you good people who leave comments. Such a comfort to know I am not alone in going through this gut wrenching experience.

  109. Hello Melanie,

    I don’t even know you and I feel like I wish you were sitting here with me. Your explaining the millions of thoughts that are running through my mind since my situation was realized 6 weeks ago. I have so many questions I want to ask you, but first I need to explain. I have been in a relationship with a N for 18 years. I dated him, we became common law, married then we have two beautiful boys ages 6 and 1, and Over the last 6 years he has started to snap. 6 weeks ago He threatened to kill us all. I have an emergency protection order against my husband until February 2017, child welfare is insisting on counselling for my husband, but It has been eye opening reading your articles. There is no contact between my husband and myself and he has been playing the victim with the court, friends, family etc. How do I co parent with a person like this and how do I protect my boys? He won’t take any accountability. I’m so lost and don’t know what to do. I wish I could have complete no contact but the fact is we have kids together and on top of being fearful and uncertain about everything right now; I am also worried about the effects on my little ones and how I can help them as they age.

  110. I am in a great state of loneliness after abuse and discharge and abuse by a N. I chased helplessly after him for 2 years. Some of you can imagine and understand the pain i have gone through.
    Dear Melanie i have one quetion, you said that even with no contact we may be their supplies. How comes? I’m still cobfised at one point: if i was his perfect supply, and i oromise you i was, why discharge me?! Only once during the time we were “together” i turned against him, stupid argument where i basically reinforced my self (at that tine i was 100% sure of his love and commitment, we were getting divorced by our previous partners and get married. He was my life, i was his. I felt totally secure in his love and commitment to me).
    I only pointed out that sonething he did when we were out together, made me feel like he didnt trust my judgement. That moment he TURNED. it hust took one little remark his eyes looked at me like i was crazy which of course made me really crazy and i lost it. I tried to explain and explain but i only made it worse for myself. Later on he discharged me. And then ireally became crazy with fear. I did all and more to cancel those 5 min “I lost it”.
    But he had gone not to come back anymore.
    I lost everithing. He has kept his previous family intact, his reputation oerfect.
    Still i don’t understand: would i not be his oerfect supply for life? I woukd never never turn against him I would adore and be his perennial supply.
    Why do they discharge perfect supply?
    Why did he discharge me?
    Many thanks for listening and reply

  111. Hi Melanie,
    I’ve just inhaled your article, “What is Narcissistic Supply”, and am feeling like it has hit me at the perfect time. I’m in the process for divorcing my narcissistic husband of 14 years, and although the experience has proven to be difficult and painful, I feel like I’ve learned so many lessons over the past year. I’m unsure to why he is dragging out the process, but in the meantime have had to file for interim support, visitation schedules and now an agreement that he will keep away from my home. It has been a lengthy and expensive process, but I feel more in control because of the boundaries now stated by the law. However, these steps have angered him in ways that really show his narcissistic side, like never before. He had always been good at hiding this side of himself from the world, and was so skilled at quietly abusing me that even I questioned its existence.

    The term ‘Narcissist’ was introduced to us when we were seeking marriage counselling 4 years ago. The therapist explained to both of us that the emotional blocks we were facing were textbook instances of narcissistic tendencies from my husband. Pathological lying, a lack of remorse, inability to plan for the future, no understanding of cause and effect, a history of adultery, twisting of truths, a heightened sense of importance demanding respect at all costs, a fear of people ‘finding out’ our truths, financial ineptness, and overall lack of empathy were, I explained, killing our family. In the meeting, he agreed with the therapist. We took steps to find him the help he needed. That didn’t last. Instead, I put myself in therapy to deal with his abuse.

    I feel like I spent my life with him trying every avenue to make him happy. When I thought I was successful he changed the game. I constantly covered up, fixed, dodged and even accepted his narcissistic ways. I was always on alert and sacrificed any form of authentic life we deserved. Looking back, I’m stunned that I did this so often and realize how much it took out of my daily life. I hid it from my family, my friends, and my children. I spent all of my time fixing what he had broken only to have him break something else. If I did speak out about his behaviour or happened to let it slip that our life was not as pristine as we made it out to be, he became enraged and attacked me in areas that didn’t even relate. Outwardly, he was clean-cut, charming and successful. To me, as long as I played the game, he was loving and attentive. When I questioned his motives or asked things like, “Why do we have to pretend to have a good life, why can’t we just have one?”, he would become irrational and purposely sabotage something in our lives. Another project for me to fix.

    When I was pregnant with my son I discovered he was beginning a relationship with a mother from my daughter’s class. At the time of the ‘almost’ affair I was pregnant and not satisfying his needs, he explained. A year later, after rumours began to circulate about his unsavoury character, I told him I was leaving, and, if he was so inclined, he could come with us. In body, he chose to come. But, he was never really present once we moved. He became increasingly worse, and I began to wake up.

    About 2 years after we moved, he was failing at his new job. We decided he would begin to work away – back in the town we had just left. I was so enjoying my new life, and really felt he would be better in smaller doses. My children were small and I was used to running everything on my own anyway. I expressed my need to stay home with them until my youngest entered kindergarten, and he agreed. I also asked him to get a vasectomy. I don’t admit that point to many people, but I feel it was one of the smartest things I could have done. I knew that it wouldn’t take much for him to be sidetracked from his own family, I wanted to ensure my kids didn’t have to compete for his attention. I was going to do whatever it took to make sure they received everything WE promised them. I was still under the illusion that I could make this marriage work!!

    His turnarounds became so chaotic and he had such a hard time balancing the two lifestyles. His time home was spent dragging his feet and fighting against the routine I had set up for myself and the children. It was a disaster. Less than a year in, he called it quits. I accepted it. He wanted his ‘freedom’ and no longer wanted to be a husband, homeowner or father. But, he didn’t want people to know. He wanted to hide it and convinced me that until the children were old enough to understand, we should act as if we were still married. He told me I could finish my Master’s Degree and he would take care of me finacially until I could establish myself after my son went to school. The alternative was leaving this life – my life – that he was never really a part of anyway, getting a job, moving to an apartment and starting all over with 2 small children. I honestly thought I could stick it out. After all, he had suggested it, surly it was what he wanted.

    It didn’t last. He changed that game. Insisting I went back to work, I took a part time teaching job which barely covered that babysitter. I loved the job and liked being back at work, but found it unfair to my children. His turnarounds were impossible. We could never plan, he didn’t want to do anything, wouldn’t do any house maintenance and always insisted I do more. I was at his mercy because he ‘allowed’ this life. We fought, I’d insist he leave and he’d go. He sabotaged the finances and left me to fix them, only to demand the finical control back to do it again. Our life was a mess.

    My final straw followed months of peace and the promise of a Disney trip. While home for Christmas he was tasked to do the passport applications for the family. He put it off for months leading up to the trip, but ensured me they just needed to be signed and mailed away. When I went to sign them I saw that he hadn’t even filled them out, not even his necessary signatures. Although this sounds like a simple deceit, I knew it was my deciding factor. I fell apart. When I questioned him, he told me a slew of reasons why. His most outlandish reason that he was teaching me a lesson. I needed to be responsible to fill out government forms and such. He was tired of doing it. It was so preposterous. The years of abuse just made sense. This behaviour was not new, it was our norm, and it was not healthy. This was the defining moment that I could not return from. I knew that I could not raise healthy children in such a toxic environment.

    That was 21 month ago. I have not swayed, looked back or considered rekindling – although there has been many hoovering invitations. I feel like I’m empowered and feel strong. However, in dealing with a narcissist, it has not made my life easier. Being exposed and found out has agitated my narc, and he’s fighting back.

    This article was so validating because I have spent the last month realizing that I am an amazing supplier of narcissistic supply! I really am an expert, and I have done such an amazing job giving my abuser exactly the high he needed, every time he needed it. Sigh. A lifetime of trying to fix everything and making it better for everyone (including him) has fed him to the point where I think I’ve put myself in a legally vulnerable state. His supply these days is in negative form, and boy am I angry! I let him know how angry! His words to me are always over the phone or to me alone with no witnesses. I routinely has expressed my disgust through emails and texts. I have denied him access to our children on three occasions because he has smelled like alcohol, but did not get the police involved. I don’t make my daughter go with him when she feels uneasy. I feel like he knows how far he can legally push me before I am protected. And I played into his twisted game, every time.

    What a life changing and eye opening time for me. This guy is smart. At my most vulnerable state, I feel oddly at ease. I understand it now. I know where I’ve went wrong and I HAVE to take responsibility for it. Shut it down, no contact and begin accepting that this is the person he will always be. I can’t fix it.
    So, we enter a state of mediation in our divorce process, as per his request. He has the upper hand. I denied him access. His drinking is heresay. So, I will sit in that meeting, accept what I have done, and keep my mouth silent. My lawyer has assured me that he is trying to paint me as unstable. My hopes for the meeting is that we can come up with a way to get this divorce settled. I will assure you that custody has never been an issue. He does not want it, nor do I think he could get it because of his years working away from the family. I think his plans are to take the house because, ‘it’s not fair that I have everything and he has nothing’. That’s his motivation. When I asked him if he’d take the house from the kids so that he could have a house, he told me he wasn’t taking it from the kids, he just didn’t want me to have it.

    I know I am not dealing with a rational person. I agree that I have everything and he has nothing. I also have this information when he makes all the terrible choices that he makes. I know that they won’t yield him happiness. I also know it will not kill ours. He has taken the very life that he promised me and my children would have with him. We survived that, rebuilt and are strong. We keep doing this every time he rips something away from us. That angers him. And, I ensure you, if he takes our humble house from us, we will survive that as well. Although he does not value our family and purposely disregards the promises he has made, I will continue to give my kids everything I committed to. That will not change. The challenge now remains to lean how to balance his presence while not allowing him opportunities to wreak havoc on our family unit any longer. He’s not going to fix that of us, what was I thinking to try and convince him to stop?? I feel so silly for allowing that to continue for so long. I need to build up new coping methods to deal with this. the goal is to remove me as a means of narcissistic supply, while protecting my children from being targets and separating him from our life. Thats a big task for someone who’s an expert at providing narcissistic supply. I’m up for the challenge.

    Thank you Melanie. The information you provide on your website, webinars, podcasts etc., rings so true to me. I so appreciate your messages and want you to know they have switched on a new light for me.

    thanks again,
    Amanda J

  112. Hi, Melanie. Thank you so much for this wealth of information! I read and read and cannot believe how you are describing every single thing my husband(if that’s what you want to call him) has been doing to me for the past 2 years since we married and our relationship went from idealized LDR to living together full time. My question is this… why, if we can reach our subconscious through inner work and shift our inner energies/heal our wounds can’t the Narcissist do the same? I know this has been explained in several places, but I still don’t understand why there is no access for them. I am sure it has to do with lack of empathy, conscience, introspection and self awareness but if someone HAD just an occasional glint of those could there be hope? And another question…are most N’s doing this horrible stuff consciously or unconsciously?

    Thanks and much love,

  113. Melanie,
    This particular blog will allow me to actually sleep more than 3 hours tonight. THANK YOU! I’m 47 & my boyfriend 50, we’re both high school teachers and have been in a very close serious relationship for 3 years. Before me, he was married for 20 years but was a serial cheater on his wife. 3 of his affairs were with students.
    I really thought I was going to be the one who would be different. I thought I was this true best friend. He proclaimed to have this ‘connection’ with me….felt I was his one soulmate whom he could trust with all his secrets and reveal his true self. But, I caught him in lie after lie, he cheated on me once that he couldn’t lie about and I think at least two other times that he won’t admit.
    3 weeks ago he told me the most outrageous lie that I know must be a cover up for sex with another woman that I have decided to do a No Contact..but at the time I didn’t use that phrase because I had not discovered your newsletter and I had not heard of the term Narcissist.
    He is very popular and active in the community. Loved by all the students.
    I wanted to move on but I also wanted him to come chasing after me. I was hurt that he didn’t seem to care why I stopped all communication with him suddenly. So I tried to do some social media stalking just to try to see what he was up to. I ended up reading through one of his former student’s twitter page. A girl whom he said felt like had some kind of a crush on him and he bragged to me at one time that he knew if he wanted to he could have sex with her. Well, you know how 18 year olds are on social media. They are not very discreet. She posted a text message on her twitter that they exchanged … I read it and felt gutted. sickened. shocked. hurt.. beyond words.
    He asked her where she was. she said back in her dorm. then she asked him. and he said still at school. then he said. “Hey, you love me?”. I read this on her Twitter 3 days ago and I have been dying inside, can’t sleep every since.
    How could 1)he just move on like that?…2) she’s 19 and he 50! 3) just a million things wrong with that. Anyway. Your explanation of him needing SUPPLY makes so much sense. Since I cut off contact….he needs to feel worshiped…and loved… even though I can see it is sick, and that if she said yes, it isn’t genuine… he just needs to be told…. ugh…. Reading your explanation. Really does open my eyes that he is mentally ill. That I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK. THANK YOU!

  114. Thank you, this is a fantastic article, I have a lot of soul searching to do and a lot of open wounds to heal. I am grateful to understand and grow from what happened in my life with my ex so I can be a healthy person for myself and everyone else close to me. I am tired of feeling tortured, angry, weak and helpless because of what happened and articles like yours really help me to understand all aspects of the situations that occurred in my past. Thank you for helping people heal from trauma and for helping us learn about ourselves so we don’t become the thing we were hurt by. We need to break the cycle of abuse and stop hurting ourselves! <3

  115. Hi Melanie, your articles have come at just the right time. I ended a relationship with a altruistic narcissist 2 months ago, we had been together over 7 years. In the beginning he was my best friend, my soulmate, we told each other everything – or so I thought. Over 7 years later I have lost so much; my savings, my business that I built from scratch, my health my confidence and more. The lies were incredible…he told me when we first met he had fought in the Falklands War. He would go into detail about this, sob, even spasm and be hysterical when recalling it. He would phone me to go and be with him in the middle of the night because he couldn’t bare the pain and wanted to die. He even showed me the medals he had be awarded and it was all a lie. What made my relationship with him even harder to finish was that earlier this year his son commited suicide. I was taking care of his son at the time whilst my partner was on holiday. His son suffred from depression and had Aspergers. The son told me he was going to take his own life 3 days before he did. I told his care team and my partner but 3 days later he hung himself. After his son’s death my partner became depressed and would talk of nothing else but his son and his role in his son’s life. He set up a charity in his name for which I did the groundwork and raised money in the beginning to find out my partner took the credit and now promotes himself on social media as a caring father who helps others. The truth his he deserted his son for most of his life, disliked him and left the mother to raise him alone whilst he was having constant affairs. After his sons death my partner depended on me more and more, saying he would kill himself if I left whilst emotionally and physically abusing me, raping me and draining the life out of me. I gave him evrrything…it was like I was on 24 hour suicide watch for 3 months. I worked less hours but found out afterwards that whilst I’d been working and worried if he would still be alive when I went back to his flat, he had actually been sleeping with other woman. I have not contacted him even though he still texts saying he loves me, he can’t live without me. He’s asked me to marry him 7 times. I do believe I have seen glimpses of the real person – moments of complete self loathing and him telling me that one day I would despair of him when I knew the truth. This year I have gone through hell….his sons suicide, the affairs, rape, physical abuse, loosing my business, no money, an operation and recently I heard a sexual assault allegation has been made against him. I want him to suffer like I have. He lives just around the corner from me and I can’t afford to move. I know the day is coming when I will see him and I am dreading it. Thank you so much for your articles…you are writing about my ex word for word. I am taking care of myself and have wonderful support from my children and friends. Being with a narcissist nearly killed me.

  116. Melanie….

    Please tell me how to get out.
    I am not stupid or weak. I am strong, intelligent, kind, empathetic, logical, and have keen instincts.

    But he has me. It has been almost three years. I can’t get out. It makes me so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

    I just learned what narcissistic supply was the other day. I know about narcissists, I obsess since I realized what I was in. But this part is new to me. And this article…it’s terrifying and so spot on.

    I want my life back.

  117. Hi Melanie,
    I’ve been on the cusp of thriving for 4 years now, having watched your videos and read your blogs and your information. A typical guy, it’s taken so long to come to terms with being the main supply for my ex.

    Some friends have described me as “her backup”, always there when she hasn’t a lover, boyfriend around and every time I’ve fallen for the sob story and the BS of I “must be the one”, only to be discarded again and again.

    I went “no contact” for 6 months until Dec 2016, when out of the blue, we saw each other in town and she spoke of being “so lonely at Xmas”, I have to admit, I forget the NC rule and fell for it all over again.

    By 30th Dec, she’s going ballistic over something I wrote on Facebook, 7 months prior! And I mean, she went full on crazy, totally jealous, totally insecure and wouldn’t listen to reason.

    That day, your email came through and it was in my eyes, a sign, thank you! I don’t care if it was automated, I don’t care if it was sent to a million other people, it came to me and I’ve reconnected with your fantastic work, thank you so much.

    Her number and email is blocked, I’ve told all of my friends and they’ve all commented that they couldn’t believe I was seeing her again!

    December was like going back into the hell from before, being treated as sub human and hanging off any attention she would give me, I’m sore, I’m exhausted, it’s raw but I’m thriving, as each day passes, it gets easier. Thank you.

  118. Hi Melanie,
    I just read your article in narcissistic supply and it simply blew my mind. I am 33 year old single mom with two children. I was emotionally abused by my mom who is a narcissist. As a teenager was also abused by a sister who is a narcissist as well. And then entered into a miserable marraige with a man who I believe is also a narcissist. After my second child was born i completely fell apart. I was depressed and anxious and couldn’t eat. I was nursing an infant and lost a lot of weight..tried different meds…nothing seemed to work . I got divorced when my baby was two and have been raising my kids alone for the past nine years..I’ve been trying to heal all this time. I went for craniosacral energy work , and other energy healing therapies..the weird thing is that two of the healers I went to were narcissistic and I had to heal from my relationships with them! I seem to attract friends who are narcissists as well..it’s like I see this pattern where i disconnect from someone who is sucking me dry only to fall right in with someone else and then I’ll wake up a few months later and realise im dealing with the same type..I always seem to have at least one narcissistic friend in my life. Until now I just knew it was this “type”of person that shows up all the time..especially when I’m going through a difficult time. We just moved back to the U.S from israel because of a medical situation with my son..there are always these people who want to help..but it’s so hard to know when someone is offering to “help” when really they just need a reason to feel important. After reading your article I finally have a name to call this type of person that I always seem to attract. I feel like I’m predisposed for narcissistic abuse. I’m constantly exhausted ,I have some health issues and I still suffer from anxiety. I’ve been meditating for years trying to heal the trauma of the past but then I realise that I just create more trauma by engaging in these relationships. I’m so grateful to have found you .I feel like for the first time in my life I have a bit of an understanding of what these people are all about. I just never understood what made these people so mean and heartless..I’ve driven myself insane trying to fix these relationships..but now , no more of that. I’m ready to heal. Thank you so much for all the work that you do and I hope I can meet you in person some day.

  119. You said: It is a proactive movement to up-level consciousness.

    “Wars” don’t work. Whenever we push back against something, all it ever does is energise it, confirm it more and feed it energy to push back harder.

    OH MY GOSH. This is the truth. I’m so happy and liberated by what I’ve learned in just my first three days, and you are so correct in saying that the solution is raising consciousness. Saying thank you isn’t sufficient, but it’s all we have.

  120. Thank you for all the work you do..it is so helpful. My confusing mind doesn’t know if I’m the narcissist or the supplier, either way I must focus on consciousness…..grew up wanting to be special in some way,was the scapegoat and was not allowed my feelings as only my sisters counted. Now I feel I need to detach from her but she has lost a large number of her family to death and I don” feel it is ethical to do so Any input would be appreciated

  121. This was exactly what I needed today, thank you Melanie

    I left my narc a few days ago, I had an epiphany about 4 weeks ago and left him, I saw for the first time that it could not be me and googled what I was feeling and: BAM, there it was: co-dependency, narcissistic abuse, manipulative relationships…
    I read articles and watched videos for 24 hours almost without sleeping, then he came to me, desperate, crying … and I fell for his tears, I caved in…
    Being on his (very small tropical) island in another country it was difficult for me to just leave… Or better, it was a good excuse for me not to leave straight away. I left my hotel after 3 nights and went back to his house, which to me felt like a golden cage!
    3 weeks later I had collected enough evidence to realize I was right the first time, I had some lucid moments when I could just ‘observe without absorbing’ his poison, during the crazy discussions, dramas and interferences of his (hooked) ex…
    Still the day I left, at the airport, I was not sure I was ready to let him go
    I flew to another continent, where I am now for 2 long months, travelling and trying to recover
    I left him on a facetime call officially, just a few days ago… And told him I did not want to hear and see him ever again
    It felt soooo good! I felt powerful, strong… At least while face-timing with him
    Since then I have applied the no-contact policy, everyday implementing a new step (blocking him on facetime first – then whatsapp – day 3 normal phone – day 4 socials – day 5 email), and have great ‘up’ moments…and terrible ‘down’ ones… Often while I walk on the street all of a sudden I need to shed a tear… or lets say a bunch… Feeling empty and ashamed and sad and powerless…
    Me, the loving, caring, strong, beautiful, successful woman I thought I was… just ended as a mere object in the hands of someone who is not even capable of love…
    I sometimes fear and at the same time hope (yes, I do hope, why lying? even if I do not like it) he can come here and find me and I can get a little bit of my drug again, before realizing it is a big mistake again and falling again in the abyss of pain and darkness…
    But reading this article today, together with watching (for the 3rd time) the video about the 4 points, gave me again that positive energy that keeps me away from the drug…
    Now I have 2 questions, Melanie, which I hope you can answer for me:
    1) I sometimes feel like I want to smoke a cigarette (i quit only 2 months ago) as a kind of a quick fix and substitute of a worse evil… Any tip on how NOT to do that? Or should I just get that bloody smoke and not be too hard on myself?
    2) Your 3 hour seminar is on Feb 9… Jeez that’s soooo far away! Is there any little practice I can use to start healing from within rather than bombing my poor head with articles, books, video and seminars of online experts on the subject?

    I am truly grateful to have found you, you make sense to me, you give me a sustainable solution, rather than just words and logic
    I am ready to heal and I know I will…I just sometimes feel it goes sooooo slow!!!
    I know I will eventually meet him again, he will show up at my door, I know him well, in April he will travel back to my city
    I want to make sure I am ready, not hooked anymore, and feel strong
    Can you help me by giving me some practical tips on what to do on a deeper level, energetic, emotional to start healing from within?

    Thank you! Grazie! Gracias! Dankjewel!

  122. Hi Mel, me again
    Sorry, another couple of considerations:

    My narc felt alive when with small kids
    I understand they thrive on receiving the unconditional love of kids
    In the last 7months, since the very beginning, he desperately tried to get me pregnant
    And I would have loooove to have a baby!!!
    Now I can say I am lucky it did not happen

    Why was he so desperate to get a baby? Was it to get his new source of supply?
    Is it ‘safe’ to leave kids with them? He seemed very excited and happy when with the kids of our friends…
    Even if when it was just the 2 of us with the kid in my house he would put the kid in fron of the tv on the couch and let him watch the telly…
    He has already 2 grown up kids (16 and 17) with his (still hooked) ex, they have a business together
    He doesn’t really spend a lot of time with them… But he tells them a lot that he loves them

    My dad is a narc too. My mum a co-dependent obviously.
    They have been together for more than 50 years, happily apparently
    But they (still) fight over little things and I cannot stand that
    I think it’s exhausting…
    I am now revisiting my childhood, which I believed was very happy, and understand all the manipulation my dad did and the reason why I rebelled to him when I turned 19 and did everything I could to do what he didn’t want
    I went living on my own and remember I had a phase of being a narc myself with men…
    Luckily I moved to another country thanks to a great job opportunity I went for and finally achieved with great commitment and dedication (my dad, who in a way always supported me did NOT want this at all to happen, this is something a dad should be proud of)
    Being far away from my family was for me a necessity to gain my own independence
    I could develop myself personally in a different way and had many years of balance and happiness, even if I had a couple of narc along the way I manage to leave them and make it without this horrible feelings I have now (at the time I was not aware of codependency and narcissistic abuse)
    Question: should I see a therapist to work my childhood issues?

    Thanks again

  123. Dear Melanie
    Two months ago I finished my relationship with the love of my life and soul Mate. Having read books on verbal abuse and recently found your website I now realise that there is no question that he had NPD. Everything I have read confirms how I have felt for the past 8 years of my relationship, on an emotional roller coaster. The hardest part is wondering if all the good times and declarations of love were in fact true. How could he hurt me so much and make me think so little of myself?
    My question to anyone who can help is this…
    I also know that my partner had Asperger’s syndrome. We had talked about this together and agreed it was the case. Lack of empathy is a characteristic of this. Could a person with AS also have narcissistic personality disorder? I believe he did but I so want to believe he couldn’t help it because of his Asperger’s. I am so confused.


  124. My question would I still call a narcissist a person who doesn’t display all of the traits but who is frozen and emotionally unable to GIVE yet call them selves IN a relationship so that the experience is one of extreme withholding of affection, focus, intent and caring – with no communication allowed about the lack — yet in words calls it a relationship – this person knows it is painful for me but criticizes this as “needs ” that is needs that normal people ( she ) doesn’t need…the treatment by this person is cruelty and meanness disguised as a surface caring – I think she is a narcissist but not a typical one – she seeks none of the attention and drama which is typical but thrives on getting the feelings of loyalty and love from me while not needing it herself – she treats with surface “kindness” while completely withholding real attention, affection , physical connection and communication

  125. Wow…WOW…WOW is all I kept saying as I read this! Ya know, the part that sucks IS…I used to feel that me and my ex-narc were both walking wounded and together we could heal each other. We have similar childhoods, alcoholism in our family and neglect from our parents. However, I went to therapy for many years…he can’t stand to unpack the baggage he’s carrying. I used to say, he made my thoughts feel normal. But as I read this, it hit me that he validated the wounded, neglected child in me. I haven’t been in a relationship like this since my early 20’s, I’m now 50 and can’t believe I subjected myself to this mind-fuck!!! I was emotionally neglected by my suck-ass, absentee parents, who divorced when I was only 18 mos old, then my mother died tragically when I was 18. My ex boyfriend is also an alcoholic. Went to a 30 day rehab program last year but fell off the wagon 4 wks after he came home. He lies about everything, manipulates any evidence I produce by saying “you planted that to set me up”. OMG, I used to have scary thoughts about beating him in the head with a baseball bat. Instead, the day we broke up (FOR THE LAST TIME) 2 wks ago, I smacked him in the head several times after I caught him in another lie and he tried to tell me how I’m paranoid, insecure and crazy! I lost it…reached my breaking point! He was ALWAYS looking for supply, in any form of validation, he had no moral compass, no conscience. I had moments where he looked like an empty shell. We had moments of deep conversation, where he was open to exploring the possibility of being a Narc & sex addict. He’s a perfect triangle with Alcohol addiction as the third point of the triangle. I’ve gone to GREAT lengths to expose him, I mean stupid things that def make me look crazy, such as emailing him and cc’ing his boss exposing how he’s lying to his boss and drinking during the day, to warning the new girl in his life. I’ve done this several times, throughout the course of our 2.5 years together. Each time, he’d say “you REALLY crossed the line this time. I hate you and will NEVER come back to you or ever speak to you again”. I would respond “you promise?” lol. I would justify my reaction as my way of burning the bridge so badly HOPING it would keep him away from me, because I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. But he has ALWAYS come back after no contact. It amazes me. He spoke the same final words to me 2 wks ago and is so busy love-bombing his new girl, that I tried to warn. She, of course, thinks I’m crazy which is fine with me. In a sick way, I love the fact that their relationship has started by talking about ME! I was jealous for a second, thinking MAYBE, I taught him skills to tap into that could prevent him sabotaging relationships, but then I quickly realized, nah…he’s already demonstrated that he can’t be alone with his thoughts for a second. This poor girl is on the same road I was, she’ll see the detour signs shortly and either choose to take them or stay the course as I did…thinking MAYBE it’s something she needs to change about herself. My greatest satisfaction will be the day he tries to come back and I am strong enough to COMPLETELY ignore him as though he’s dead to me. I’m so aware of the signs of a narcissists…it shows during the initial communication I’m having with men in the dating scene. Thank you SO much for your insight…YOU are the one who is making my thoughts feel normal…is the most healthy sense of the word.

  126. Melanie, thank you so much for all the work you are doing and the great depth you go into with your writings, they are really very helpful. I’ve been slowly waking up to my situation with a Narcissistic coworker over the last 4 years. It very nearly ruined me and broke up my very good marriage. With your help now I really am feeling I am getting to a solution. The whole thing has been such a mind blowing experience, I never knew just operating in the real world is like walking through a minefield, but that is really quite true. I was probably groomed for 2 years before mine started love bombing me, and it totally worked. I’ve been abused, yes, but so has my wife, and my children through the pain I’ve caused on my wife.

  127. Dearest Melanie

    After almost 40 years of marriage to an uncaring, unloving, lying, cheating, deceitful, adulterous, shallow man, I now have a label and name for him, and I now understand fully the reason I stayed so long in this unhappy relationship. I have finally been able to leave him and set myself free and am starting my recovery and starting afresh. I have read and researched many articles on narcisism, but I must say you have made it easy for me to understand all of the entire chaotic storm I’ve been living in all of these years.

    I thank you for such wonderful articles and so much solid, educational information on narcisism, and I thank God that I stumbled accidentally across your sight.

    Warm regards

  128. Your article is quite interesting. I have been dealing with two narcissistic individuals for four years and it has been a living hell.

  129. Thank you Melanie! This is the first place I’ve felt like I belong, where this issue is understood, and you are helping people to move beyond and away from their narcs! I was married to a very abusive, alcoholic narc for just under 26 years. I finally kicked him out, 11 years ago, and have tried desperately to reclaim my life. He almost succeeded in completely destroying me, I was on the path to a severe mental break down. To this day, he continues to constantly drive by my house, he’s broken into mine and another relatives garage next door, and damaged, sabotaged, and stolen items, as recently as this past Easter. He has also tried to get into my house, along with dropping by my home when I’m not there. (My neighbours across the road, and right next door, keep an eye on my house, when I’m out) If he sees me in a store he walks within inches of me, and pretends he doesn’t see me, he’s driven his car at me in parking lots, while hurling obscenity’s at me. I have zero contact with him, I don’t react to his behaviour or actions, yet he continues…it can be a few months of quiet, then out of nowhere just when you start to feel comfortable, he starts up again. I look forward to finally learning and understanding what I can do, for myself, to reclaim my life, completely free of my ex narc!

  130. Are narcissists usually very close with their parents and children? My ex is so unbelievably good with kids, but maybe that is because he himself has not yet advanced emotionally past that. He is so fun to be around, always laughing and life of the party. But man he has seriously commitment issues, trust issues, and cannot be vulnerable enough to let love in, even to those he says he “cares deeply for.” I don’t know if he IS narcissistic but reading some of this seems like it. The lavish gifts the sweet notes the flowers turn to complete chaos. I always thought it was just a projection of his own guilt, he would use anything bad I did or said against me as ammunition and to steer my attention away from his faults or discrepancies whenever I was suspicious and I always felt like I had to scramble to fix things or pick up the pieces. Constantly walking on egg shells.

  131. When I first became aware of my codependency and attraction to my narcissist I went on youtube everyday to listen to videos on narcissism; your video series were of the many I listened to and were, by far, the most affective in helping me not only understand the sickness of narcissism but also the sadness of it. These articles are so helpful, not just to me, but also to my mother and my older sister.

    I thank you for your wonderful love and dedication for/to those of us struggling with the effects of narcissism.


  132. Thank you for the information Melanie,

    My heart bleeds as I read your articles and as much as I am in search of healing, I feel like I wish I’d never found your videos. Yes, I was searching because I couldn’t understand how such a beautiful girl, my baby that I raised alone, now 22 could turn on me the way she did. Lo and behold, everything I read and heard pointed to her behavior, habits, and mannerisms. Yes, I was a victim for many years and I continued to be her “supply”. She got progressively worse and I knew she had to go. The deception, the lies, the manipulation, the lack of empathy or remorse, the belittling, stealing, just name it and then Pot. She, a church girl who sings on her church’s praise team, got involved with the wrong people and just went off an even deeper end. To add insult to injury, she got everyone to turn against me, even people in her church. I was accused of not loving my daughter and trying to destroy her – how cruel because I love that child so much and had done EVERYTHING a loving and caring mom could. I cried and cried but I know I had to do SOMETHING and quickly so I did what I never in my wildest dream thought I could or would ever do. After giving her 30 days notice, on September 7th, 2017, I stood in court alongside my 5′ 4″ 130lb baby and listened to the judge order her to leave right away. The following day I packed her up and she picked up her belongings. The weirdest thing is, she wasn’t even angry. We talked and hugged but I had seen so much of that fake love, I couldn’t allow it to get to me. I painstakingly blocked her from my phone but one day she emailed me, “mom!!!!” My heart skipped a few beats but I found the guts to ask her not to contact me again. THIS IS NOT EASY, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!! 🙁

    The first few nights was hellish as only the two of us lived in the house. I listened to hear her key turn in the door; I couldn’t sleep – still have some sleepless nights. So many questions, prayers, pain, and more pain. What happened to my baby? How is this possible??? I was/am angry!! How am I going to heal? I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything so I decided to Google anything that would help me understand and heal. I came across several videos and articles but something about your videos resonated with me; you offered me the opportunity to heal and so here I am. I will never stop loving my daughter though and I pray constantly (I am a praying mother) that God performs a miracle in her life and she changes. I want her to do well and would very much like a relationship with her some day.

    I had some experience with a Sociopath/Narcissist with whom I was in a three-year relationship and as much as it hurt to walk away for good, it could never come close to this experience with my daughter. How do I walk away for good?

  133. I met a man who I believe is a narcissist(now) in June. He moved much faster than I wanted and expressed needing. I am a successfully privately practicing licensed massage therapist. Somehow he is now living in my house and we have his 6 year old daughter coming to stay every other week. He just proposed. I found out last week he lied to me about looking at porn and about his relationship with his own sexual gratification. I look around and don’t recognize my life any more. Please help me figure out what to do to get out of this situation. How to behave, what moves I must make. Thoughts and questions are welcome.

    1. Hi Rebecca,

      the truth is – if your insides are screaming and the red flags and lies are appearing, you possibly already know what needs to be done.

      It’s when we ignore all of this and continue on, that we pay a terrible price – because things do get more enmeshed – and the price of a narcissist through our life is no less than a tsunami. You have an opportunity to end it here before it gets to that.

      Be calm, resolute and don’t succumb to twists, turns, deals, excuses or guilt trips. When people show up as adults in their bodies with narcissists, without fear and say it as it is, without lecturing and prescribing and hooking into conversations with them – and narcissists know they mean it – they usually will go and leave you alone, because there is no more narcissistic supply to obtain any more.

      If it gets curly, or you realise you are more hooked than you thought you were, or you start making excuses to yourself as to “why” … etc etc then my greatest suggestion would be to access my free resources and free workshop in order to get greater clarity and power about all of this.


      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  134. Where did this ‘Narcissistic Supply’ idea come from?, because it does not add up or make sense to me.
    A lot of people with drug addictions can get to the point where they stop seeking and taking drugs, but Narcissists on the other hand, Never Stop.
    H G Tudor tried to compare the ‘Fuel’ (Narc Supply) that he “needs”, to what would happen if we empathic people were starving to death. He thinks that we would kill and eat each other in order to live/survive, which is total garbage in my view. No! H G Tudor; we would instead actually endure the suffering and starve to death together (because We Care about each other), before stooping so low as to murder and cannibalise (unless you’re a narc like him though, I guess).
    This Narcissistic Supply idea sounds like a ruse or an excuse from Narcs, allowing them to get away with what they do, and not be made accountable for their actions and evil ways.

  135. Hello Melanie, you are writing about “detaching fully”. But how do you do that if there is still co-parenting? The narcist gets to me through my daughter. And it is heart breaking. Renata

    1. Hi Renee,

      my heart goes out to you – it is not easy co-parenting with a narcissist – but there are ways to empower you and your children within this situation.

      Please google the words parent, co-parenting, children + my name and you will see many resources on this topic that will come up to help you.

      I hope this does help.

      Mel xo

  136. OMG, i don’t even know how to sort this information in my head right now. I came across your site while doing research for the last 5 weeks about personality disorders. I just got out of a relationship of 4 months with an extremely abusive narcissist (mentally, emotionally and verbally). I recently found out that he recently served 8 months in jail for domestic abuse, no doubt that wouldve eventually crept into our relationship. I have been no contact for the last 5 weeks. Last night, i listened to the 3 keys to Thriving after narcissistic abuse workshop and i connected with my inner child. It was emotional but i was having feelings of shame and guilt and this morning i read this article and now I know why…

    I completely identified with the narcissist you describe in this article. This is me. This is what I do and what i’ve done in every relationship. This is how i perceive myself. These are the tactics and manipulative things that i’ve done 🙁

    I had no boundaries when i was growing up, i was raised by my grandparents on a native reserve (that’s not without it own wounds) and everything i wanted was granted towards me. My grandparents themselves were very loving, solid, with good morals and a connection to spirituality. I was abandoned by my mom at a young age, but when she decided she wanted me back, she came and took me from my grandparents , however, life with my mom was very toxic. It was VERY strict, she was OCD and very confrontational and VERY dominant. She was also in a physically abusive relationship with my stepdad and they were alcoholics. she now works in the psych department- in a penitentiary- and she has admitted that she enjoys it, because of the power trip. She can tell the inmates no, and lock them up at the end of the day. I was raised at a young age by 2 very different environments. I was not physically or sexually abused, but i see now how i was emotionally, spiritually and mentally abused by my mother and how these wounds have affected my ability to be a healthy supportive .

    What I can’t believe is that i’ve not only been deceiving the men in my life, I’ve also been deceiving myself and in complete denial about any wrong doing until now.

    What even more messed up, is the relationship i just got out of… welll we’ve known each other for a very long time, it was 19 years ago since we last saw each other and we used to “fool around” but he was in a relationship (this is back when we were about 19-21) we lost touch, and about 5 years ago reconnected on Facebook. A few “likes” here and there, but this summer, i sent him a message, we hooked up and we ended up in a ridiculous, destructive and abusive narcissistic “battle” . I’ve been hanging on to him as one of my potential supplies for YEARS. WTF?! Same with him. I think hes more aware of his actions and refuses to change tho.

    I think a higher power said enough is enough, you need to realize what you’re doing and heres a mirror, once again, to show you the extreme side of yourself! It all came to an end when i found out about the criminal abuse charges. I think my angels were also protecting me, because I was spared that side of it. However, i also think I was meant to come back into his life – another reflection of himself. I don’t know if he’ll take it as a learning opportunity or as an experience to once again confirm and solidify his low opinion of women.

    He’s also implemented the zero contact with me. That’s also what made me more aware too….

  137. Hello Melanie, I’ve commented several times on your youtube vids. Chris Laro. I’ve been very honest in how I’ve recognized upon watching your oratory, that in this last relationship with a woman (an addict herself and ‘broken’ to use her own words/narcissistic) I became and have been for years, quite a broken manipulative man with women skirting the edges of ALL you spoke of in the above blog on ‘supply.’ I stopped reading after a time realizing that this failed relationship likely had more to do with ME than her in all her broken’ness, sub/dom past and a manipulative soul in her own right. SHE’S, not the focus – it is ME. Who and what I was and have been. ‘There is nowhere near enough drama in that to create diversions from being with self’ I get it fully. ‘This is why it is so stock standard for narcissists to unexpectedly act out outrageous behaviour after bouts of things going well. When things get too calm, the narcissist starts sinking inwards to his or her wounds and needs to explode outwards away from them.’ That is me! I’ve been someone priding himself on his inward journey for decades and helping ppl transition through their own crisis as a social worker. How awful a truth it is now to suddenly ‘wake up’ and accept that I have been the type of cracked being I would typically despise. Do narcissist’s, overt/covert, unwilling perhaps, actually behave in self-destructive ways and not know or ‘feel’ it? I am a compassionate, loving, selfless man – except I guess, with women on an intimate level overall where my verbal abuse can rise to the surface. I mean, it’s either this is what has gone on for me or I’m a sadist in some way. But truth for me now is this Melanie: finding your vids and reading ur writings and others testimony has awakened me UP to some vulgar realities DEMANDING my attention and celibacy. I have no business entering into any kind of connection with a female until these issues are corrected. That INNER toil will happen and already has as I come to learn that this woman I loved, YES she was addicted and ill and possessed by her own issues n’ what I was blaming her for doing was actually my own behaviors. This is shocking to me and shameful to admit. I do so publicly here in order to share, out myself and also, ACCEPT change. I am not a malevolent man. But I am enraged, and twisted up with childhood pain I must confront – the issues I know well but fail to expel. I’d love to know more about how to do this NOT because I haven’t attempted expulsion but because of the last 3 yrs I am forced to finally admit who and what I am – that soul stuck in vapid self-loathing. It cannot continue. I hope this sharing is ok and that it’s safe to do so here. As I said, I found you by serendipity obviously as my soul and marrow demand healing. So, here I am. Peace to all you do. Thanks!

    1. Hi Christopher,

      That is fantastic that you have taken this personal inventory and know how important it is to heal you.

      The truth is: all of now Thriving had to confront the darkest most shameful
      and even narcissistic parts of ourselves (the parts steeped in trauma and ego defences).

      What you have shared is inspiring, courageous and very transformational.

      I am very happy Christopher for you to share this! Thank you for leading the way.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  138. I have gone back 10-15 times and each time the abuse gets worse and worse. This last time I went back was because I had decided to end my life and I just didn’t care anymore. That was a few days ago and I have been having crippling anxiety and severe depression. I then found your website and THIS article. He does have the diagnosis of NPD and I have read up a lot on it. However it wasn’t until I read this that it made complete sense in my mind as to why he is who he is. I also realized I need to work on my inner “child” so I do not keep repeating over and over until he does end my life for me. Thank you – thank you- thank you!

    1. Awww sweet Debbie,

      Please know these people are not worth us ending our life over … not when our breakthrough after such a horrific breakdown is waiting for us to claim it.

      Please know this entire community stands for you and with you to help get through to the other side.

      Debbie the most direct path is to download my free resources and get started on what we all needed to do: turn inwards and come home to self.

      I’d love to help you achieve that for real.

      Sending you love, strength and blessings.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  139. Wow. I feel like I am coming out of an unconscious state and waking up! This information has been SO eye-opening and healing. It brings such understanding to the toxic dynamics. THANK YOU for your help! I am SO grateful!

  140. YOU NAILED IT MELANIE….“Why is this person so nice? I know they are manipulating. They have an agenda; they are not to be trusted. They are setting me up to get something from me.”
    He always told me that he didn’t believe I love him because he has nothing to be loved. He always doubted that I spied on him (he was not important at all). He doubted that I wanted something from him to give him that love and attention.

  141. Is it possible to not really have inner wounds (or ones you have already dealt with) and still be a victim of narcissistic abuse?

    I have never played the victim or had a victim mentality. As a matter of fact, I never even heard that phrase until my relationship with a narcissist. Granted, we can be victims of circumstance or others actions and realizing this does not mean we are “playing” the victim. All that being said, I did fall prey to a narcissist for a couple decades of marriage. I knew from the beginning that I was trying to gain her approval of my life. No matter what I did I could NEVER measure up. And when I felt like I met the standard of measure the line would be moved. I had/have a genuine love for her. I truly wanted to be in a deep intimate relationship with this girl (when we met). As time progressed my attempts grew and to win favor seemed to get farther and farther away. I was determined though. I was determined to get her to hear me and offer clarity. Little did I know that this was a means of controlling me…and it worked well. When she did not want to work things out she would stonewall me and then say I was the one not talking to her. It is literally impossible to keep me from talking and engaging, especially with her. I am a talkative sort.

    It took me a while to realize how helpless and powerless I was feeling. When I tried to explain that to my narcissist I was accused of playing the victim. I was completely dismissed. Our issues were constantly avoided. The feeling of powerlessness grew and grew. I was constantly being accused of brainwashing, controlling, manipulating, isolating and abusing her. The tables got turned so much that I did not have a grip on reality. I started to wonder what was true. I started to wonder, Am I all those things she accuses me of? Am I doing those things? It doesn’t sound like me? It didn’t help that she let me know that I was not the most important person in her life, that she didn’t need me, that she had no respect for me and that I am a miserable failure. I just kept thinking, “How in the world could she feel this way about me?” “Why is she spreading the around to others?” I couldn’t figure out what I did or how this started. Well, it was going on the whole time but when I slipped into a clinical depression I just didn’t have the energy to respond to her and try to win her favor. This made things worse and worse and worse – the longer I was dealing with deep depression. This is when my eyes finally opened.

    I am still dealing with and trying to be free from this abuse. Divorce is headed my was but this is NOT an easy thing to shake. I have to remind myself every day that I am not what she says I am. I do not know if I will make it but I think I have been trying my best. Getting a grip on reality and she just keeps abusing me and letting me know how little she thinks of me. I hope my children and I can recover from this. She is nearly as mean and cruel to them. I have never been comfortable leaving our children alone with her. The mess of narcissistic abuse is difficult to untangle.

  142. I spent 15 years trying to fix my marriage because I did not want our family to be one of the statistics. I met a therapist who explained to me narcissism and that he would never be happy. I then spent 4 years unraveling the path of destruction through gambling & sex addiction that I had no idea the magnitude. After loosing almost everything I am trying to rebuild for my kids and I. After the divorce I thought it will be over I can move on yet the depression seeped in and started holding me back from any movement. I was like I am an intelligent woman how did I let this happen. Someone directed me toward you and I did your webinar and opted into your program. I am so looking forward to the healing. This cast was so insightful getting an understanding of being his fuel and answers so much. I think for me the key now is raise my awareness stop focussing on what happened to be but look at making sure I am in a better place to not repeat the pattern.

  143. Melanie,
    I so resonate with your therapeutic insight and techniques for healing. Long story short, I’m 65 years old and my narc sister has managed to destroy my financial savings –with my unconscious help. It’s hard not to keep feeling pain and fear at this stage in my life as I look into the future. But your introductory workshop created a real shift already and a hopefulness about a rebirth and abundance to come from this by way of integrating with my inner child and healing old wounds. (I too have had years of seemingly unproductive therapy).
    My sister has actually given some compensation–nothing compared to what has been lost, like my home and savings–and is dangling the possibility of another “gift” for me this year. I’m wondering if I should even engage with her enough to possibly receive this much needed money or if going no contact is the higher way to REAL abundance within.
    I know you can’t give financial advice but I thought that maybe you would have some inspiring words on a situation like mine. Also I’d like to buy the NARP but given the circumstances, I hesitate–perhaps a result of the same fear based “stinking thinking” that got me here.
    Thank you so very much for everything you do to help people like me. I love your message.

    1. Hi Mary,

      I’m so glad my work resonates with you and that’s great you experienced a shift in my workshop.

      Mary truly it is difficult to know the answer to your situation without knowing the details.

      Regarding NARP with the money back guarantee you have absolutely nothing to lose and the incredible possibility of your soul evolution and emancipation.

      Also with NARP comes the free forum access where we can deeply support and coach you with your present situation.

      It’s all here for you Mary and it is your time.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  144. Melanie,
    One more question. Are the modules easily accessible once delivered to a not very tech savvy older person like me?
    Thank you again for your message of a deeper connection to oneself and to the all by way of healing from the experience with the narc’s false self. I remember my sister at an early age singing “Jesus loves me, this I know….” and now I know it was because she felt such a profound insecurity. I took her with me into the healing space of light in the intro workshop to the NARP. I wasn’t sure if that was just more co-dependency or part of real healing.

    1. Hi Mary,

      You are very welcome Mary 😊

      Yes on the platform you are granted access to, it is literally click and play!

      Plus the support team are AMAZING with any help you may need!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  145. Hello Melanie,
    I was given this link by a friend who is like me, also divorcing a narcissist. I am almost 4 years out and am doing well, I think, but I have those moments where I feel very angry. I am angry that he gets to prance around with the woman he cheated on me with. He moved her into his home with her children and our children. She is just as narcissistic as he is therefore they fuel one another and try to tag team me with their bull. Over the years I have done a lot of soul searching and working on myself so that this does not happen to me again. I never thought in a million years that I would ever be divorced and that he would have ever cheated. We were married for 15 years, together for 17 and I never saw the narcissistic traits until about year 13. Up until then I noticed sometime he was insecure and really wasn’t much of an empathetic person nor did he open up a lot emotionally but I just thought that was him and I am me and we are married. I went about working, raising our children, keeping a house and being a wife and didn’t really think much of it until it all blew up. He has been nothing but manipulative, nasty, a bully and a liar since the divorce. He is not a great father to our children and I believe because he didn’t have a good role model himself. He says very inappropriate things to our children and has the caveman mentality of “you kids work for me, I own you and you will do as I say whether you like it or not” and that hurts me for them. I worry about my children thinking that his way is the way relationships should be. I am constantly talking to them about this stuff. The majority of my days are really good days, it’s those few times I find myself reliving every moment over and over and wanting to hurt him and her. She’s inserted herself into my children’s lives and they both think that she has a place there. She does not, I am an involved parent, who loves her children and am capable of taking care of them. He and I only need to communicate about our children but they will both try to pull me into fighting with them because that’s what makes their relationship tick. I have learned the hard way that it has to be no contact otherwise I can easily get pulled in because I want to make it known to them that they are wrong. When in reality they don’t care, they just need me to fuel them in any way possible. I want the day to come that I can wake up in the morning and not think about them or the situation. I want to not be bothered by things they do, I just don’t want to even care. Thank you for this forum.

    1. Hi Zoe,

      I am so pleased your friend gave you my details and that this community can help support your healing.

      I promise you that there is a way to heal and get to that point where there is no pain or trauma remaining.

      Have you as yet signed up to my 16 day free course and healing workshop? They will help you so much. They are here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending you relief and blessings.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  146. I’m reading your article on narcissistic supply and it makes perfect sense. In my case, the narcissist is an ex-spouse who is successfully alienating my two teenage sons. The legal system is no help. Both the court and DCS have thrown out her false allegations. I thought that meant it was over. Instead, she just refuses to follow court orders. When i arrive to pick up the kids, she has them (or herself?) text their refusal to come out. Law enforcement is no help either. Their favorite mantra is: “We don’t get involved in civil matters.”

    I see that you are saying to walk away and completely cut off the narcissist. Do you make the same recommendation when teenage kids are involved, and just hope and pray for them to self-destruct at some point? It’s just hard to walk away when they have your kids under their control.

    1. Hi Eric,

      I am so sorry you are going through this – I don’t think there is anything more heartbreaking than to do with our children.

      Eric my suggestion is always Quantum, which is spiritual and science – that when we do the work inside to release the trauma on a circumstance, then it opens up space and possibility for the circumstance to shift.

      Eric I can’t tell you how many times I have seen alienated parents reunited in time as a result of doing this.

      It also worked for me personally to bring my son Zac back to me.

      If you are open to energetic healing NARP is my total suggestion http://www.melanietoniaevabs.com/narp to facilitate your recovery from narcissistic abuse, where cellularly and energetically your children can follow.

      It may seem woo woo (if you haven’t done inner energetic work before) but I promise you with all my heart, the inner work in this way will give you relief, even from something as traumatic as this, which then creates the greatest possibility of the circumstance with your children turning around.

      I hope this can help you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  147. Thank you, Melanie for this article. I find it heartbreaking that people can have such potential but it’s destroyed by childhood trauma. It’s crazy how a Narcissistic can provide the ‘the other half of our dreams’ but actually end up being a nightmare in disguise. As you said, their need for supply is insatiable. I always had the feeling with my first husband that the day we decided to have a child, he’d leave. Our entire relationship lasted 17 years, married for the final 9 of them. Of the 9 years of marriage, I supported him through 5 years of University but he never actually went into his field. He worked for 2 years, we bought a home and within months he was laid off. For the final 2 years I worked 2 jobs while he ‘tried’ to start his own business. Finally after the 8th year, he approached me wanting to start a family. Surprised but absolutely thrilled I became pregnant. At 3 months, he announced he was having an affair and had found the ‘Love of his Life”. Shortly thereafter, I moved out and the most brutal financial devastation occurred. Bills and mortgage stopped being paid, credit maxed out and collectors were referred to me. I was in horrendous mental shape while carrying my child. The house went into Power of Sale but a buyer was found at the last moment. Last year was the final child support case. He had fought my every attempt to have him see his son and start a relationship. Last year, he had both a lawyer and judge condemning me in that courtroom and that’s when I walked away. I thought I’d healed but that 7 months was pure hell. As a matter of fact, the only time I saw him was when Enforcement offices tracked him down to force him to pay support where upon he’d initiate another case to reduce ‘non-existent’ child support and arrears. What I got from that was when I first met him, I was a fixer. I saw the ‘potential.’ I was going to give him the love he never got. I was going to support him in everything he did. Once he told me about the affair one of his first statements was, ‘You’ll pay more attention to the baby than me.” If that doesn’t make people understand the soul sucking ability of these people and the extent they’ll go to get supply, nothing would.

    And low and behold, I came across another one, this one an 8 year ‘situationship’ and recently ended 3 weeks ago. This time, very successful, a pillar of society and the outwardly opposite type of personality to my ex but in the end, this one was actually worse. A Covert – Altruistic Narcissist. A master at his craft of disillusionment, manipulation, disloyalty and betrayal. I think as they get older, they get worse. I might have been naive and I definitely, finally understand the importance of our intuition. I think of it as the alarm bell to my soul now. I paid dearly for not listening to it. I did not give what I gave the first time but one thing kept ringing. For all the praise I gave him in his accomplishments, he always said I was looking at him through ‘rose-tinted’ glasses. I find it ironic that the one thing they crave more than anything is the one thing they cannot believe in. It’s sad but I look at this as ‘Not my problem’. What was done to me has been painful to reconcile but one thing I will not allow is my being the bad guy for leaving. He has to take on the responsibility for his crappy life choices and superficial life style, or not. I really don’t care. I’m caring about me now.

  148. After reading this, I realized that I was thinking right. My older sister is a narcissist. I used to say, she was feeding her ego off of me. She did a lot of damage to my reputation. She always wanted to come in behind me as the hero. I have two older sister’s that are narcissists. The one I’m speaking of, continuously fed her ego or narcissistic supply off of me. I used to say she judges people from the outside and she is very vain. OMG! I was thinking right. I’ve said they were living fake lives or inauthentic lives. I knew of her or both of their inner wounds. They are still denying them. I was her scapegoat. Both of them. They have all the traits of narcissism. Either one of them told their husbands about their inner wounds. I can’t believe their husbands never figured them out. Especially the one that kept following me around. I moved to another state and she still tried to feed her ego off of me. She made a mess out of my life. They both did. I finally took my power back and they are no longer in my life. I moved to another state where I hope they don’t find me. Even if they do, it won’t do them any good. I simply don’t want them around me or my family anymore. I figured both of them out a while back. That’s when I became my full authentic self.

  149. Quotes from your blog above Melanie
    “The ultimate lesson for every human is this: these deeply desired emotions are states. They are never things we get, or people we get – they are not conditional on what we get in any shape or form – they are created by who we are being unconditionally as a state within ourselves.
    “If we remain unconscious, we all fall into the dire illusion that it is the outside creating our pain. Which is a totally false premise, because it is the inner faulty beliefs that are responsible. Life and others are simply stage-players playing out the scenes that produce the validity of these beliefs”.
    “The only remedy we ever have is to heal our own unconsciousness so that we are never again a match for another unconscious person.”

    “Who we are being unconditionally as a state with ourselves”. I read a thing years ago which has never left my mind in The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler “It is not so how much you love a person but who you are when you with them”. I don’t like myself with my husband, I can be petty and mean (to him) and tell myself its ok because he deserves it because of what he did but really it is me. I know when I say and do the wrong thing, I am ashamed of myself. I realise that this is about me and now I am truly terrified.
    Do I have the courage to save myself? To heal my own unconsciousness?
    I hope so. Melanie. I will try. The pull back to the safety of the insanity is very compelling an appalling. I am addicted to this chaos.
    I feel hope after reading your blog.
    Thank you.

  150. Melanie! This is the most powerful piece of writing Ive seen on Narcissism.
    Thankyou so much. The lights have gone on in me! Ive been a NARP member for years but havnt felt like looking into the work.
    Now I do. Divine timing is at play here so if I hadnt read this I wouldnt be taking responsibility now.
    Thankyou for your persistence and commitment to this work.

  151. Thank you for the article and for the blog. I realized more than 5 years ago that I’ve lived in an emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years. We had a 3-years old child at the time, and the divorce and “co-parenting” at first was insane. We do quite effective parallel parenting now but he is still trying to manipulate and get back to me via friends and family members (he is currently in a relationship with one of my friend), and via the kid as well. For me, this is the hardest part. I had to deattach not just from him but from people who refused to believe me as well. I am crazy worried for my child because I know he loves his father (and I do believe that my ex loves the kid or I want to believe that) but he hurt me and us so badly. Sometimes it is really hard to do parenting right and pay attention to our kid’s feelings and my feelings at the same time. It is really hard to deattach when he still tries to manipulate me through the kid.

  152. The sick ex narc got involved with a religious cult of sorts and orchestrated some bizarre scheme to “recreate” my spouse’s parent or childhood dependency and attachment, then brutally created a primary wound that didn’t before exist. So now my spouse is a false self acting like a narcissist though originally he wasn’t. And now I’m pressured to leave the “narc” because if he didn’t want to be involved with her then I guess that means he’s supposed to be an abusive narc who doesn’t really love or care about me either. Wow we used to have careers and other responsibilities, but now we just have the ex’s narcissistic abuse to focus on.

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