Melanie Tonia Evans

How to Deal With Your Emotional Pain The Right Way In Order To Grow and Expand

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 20
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This article is very important, and it is about some profound realisations, as a result of my healing journey.

Primarily this article is about how intense our emotional pain is, how it feels like is taking us out, and how to deal with that.

We all know  emotional pain can feel all-consuming, and be very hard to handle. Hence why we have tried so hard to run away from our pain,  because we feel like it will eat us alive if we collapse into it.

The fascinating thing is: intense emotional pain can feel so much worse than intense physical pain.

We may have felt, in the midst of emotional pain, that we would rather be hit with a baseball bat then suffer the anguish.

It has often been talked about in abuse forums, as well as stated by therapists, that the scars of physical abuse are generally easier to resolve than those of mental and emotional abuse.

I can vouch from personal experience this is very true. The memories of being hit and physically threatened were nowhere near as painful as emotional abuse, and nowhere near as reoccurring.

Why is this?

Why do we tend to get so enmeshed in our emotional wounds, whereas if we are physically hurt, even though it can be agonising, we can have some sense of ‘separation’ from it?

In this article I am going to show you a much more effective and simpler way to deal with emotional pain. The difference is astounding and once you learn how to do it, it will make your life so much easier.


Our Intense Identification With Emotional Wounding

I have deeply realised our normal human tendency is to intensely identify with our emotional wounds.

This is often very different from how we ‘see ourselves’ in physical pain.

As an example if we were to injure our leg we know it is our leg that is injured. We can look at the wound, and know no matter how much it hurts, that it is a cut, or a bruise, or an impediment that hopefully will heal.

We know it relates to a body part that isn’t healthy right now – rather than “I am flawed”.

We generally have a sense of ‘separation’ with our physical wounds.

‘This leg is wrong’ does not mean ‘I am wrong.’

However, when we have emotional pain our programming is to believe it is US, it is our character, it is because of our inherent defectiveness.

Rather than a part of me (a trapped painful emotion in my body) is flawed – we believe ‘I am flawed’.

This is the false premise which ensures we get swamped by our emotional pain.

Now we are on our back foot, because how can we change a flawed emotion that we have identified strongly with?  How can we change an inner ‘flaw’ if we inherently believe this emotion pain means we are flawed?

Like most of us, I used to get overwhelmed and taken out by emotional pain. When emotional pain struck my mind would grab hold of it and get stuck in the deep anguish of my ‘failings’ – my neediness, my terror of abandonment, and my feelings of the insecurity of creating my own wholeness and wellbeing (amongst many other things).

These emotional wounds would come up from my subconscious as emotional pain, and then my mind would add fuel to these emotions – judging them as ‘defective’ (I HATE feeling this emotional pain) and would whip them into panic, terror and greater inner torment and emptiness.

Additionally my mind allowed my ego to activate – which naturally focuses on ‘not enoughness’ and self-recrimination. My ego being unworthy of love, support and connections generated survival programs – the defences we erect trying to guard (rather than heal) our inner wounds.

The result was this… I believed “There is something VERY wrong with me. How am I ever going to get well?”

Naturally my mind continued its assault on me by supplying me all the evidence as to why I was unlovable, unworthy of love and support, defective and not good enough.

My mind used to convince me that I had to change something outside of me to feel worthy and whole, and like many of us I was constantly looking to the outside to fix my inner pain.

This seemed reasonable…After all if I was defective, how on earth would I be able to sort out what was emotionally wrong with me?


Who Are We Really?

I deeply discovered in my recovery and self-liberation journey it’s essential to know Who We Truly Are. Our True Self is a being who is NOT flawed, and truly our emotional pain is SIMPLY relating to a part of us that requires healing.

Exactly the same as an injury to our leg.

Please know I am not trying to take away the fact that emotional pain can be crippling, horrendous and can literally kill us.

I am motivated to write this article because I know emotional pain can be so devastating – and I would love to be able to help you change that experience.

Fortunately I learnt a completely different orientation than my previous over-identification with emotional pain. Through my work with Quanta Freedom Healing I discovered and anchored into deep Universal Truths.

I realised important fundaments.

The first of these was: my Inner Being is already magnificent, already completely loveable, already acceptable and already worthy without conditions.

I also realised that no amount of trying to get validation from others, achievements or anything outside of myself was going to allow me to truly somatically embody and know that truth. At best all this could ever do would be provide quick fixes to take away my pain of unworthiness momentarily – but ultimately it would always keep coming back.

I realised that if I allowed my emotional pain to convert into mind stories, I was always going to come up empty. Rather than accepting and addressing specific wounds, I merely and agonisingly remained stuck in the beliefs – I am a defective being who has little or no hope of getting well.

I now totally understand my mind is not capable of dealing with my subconscious wounds. That is an uphill battle – because my subconscious beliefs about myself, others and life are the powerful machine driving my life, and my mind has NO ability to find these wounds, let alone deal with them effectively or release them.

In truth, my mind is much more interested in trying to avoid inner wounds with ‘strategies’, like trying to burn off the anxious pain through an addictive tendency, or by shaming and blaming myself or someone else – all quick fixes which create damaging long term consequences.

I also realise that seeking advice, trying to get validation from others, answers from others and solutions from others were also futile attempts to get well. This doesn’t mean I’m ‘an island’, and disconnected from others, or that I don’t hear and share ideas, support, advice, suggestions with others, because truly I now adore connecting and sharing my life with fellow beings. What it means is that I take 100% full responsibility for my inner wounds.

Ironically, when I was trying to get other people to fix me and supply me with my inner answers, my relationships were co-dependent, fraught with power struggles and painful, whereas now my relationships have evolved incredibly as a result of evolving me.

If I somatically know in the cells of my body that all of existence adores and accepts me, then I am much more likely to show up treating myself and others like this. I am also much more likely to attract other authentic people who co-create true love, joy and inspiration. I am also very likely to easily detach from those who don’t represent authenticity – without needing them to provide me anything in order for me to know my own worth.

I’m human – I can still slip. And if I do, life reflects back to me very quickly the outer results (events and situations) that match my unattended-to wounds. These times are rarer and rarer, and are still a total gift, in that they always represent more self-recognition and expansion potential.

Because they bring ‘to light’ existing ‘blind-spots’ that need healing.


Normalising Emotional Wounds

My life changed overnight when I finally got it!

It was HUGE!

This is what I realised:

Every negative emotion, thought, behaviour, confusion and issue that presented in my life as a trigger from ‘outside’ or an impulse from ‘inside’’ did NOT mean that I was defective!

Instead it meant there was SIMPLY a corresponding trapped painful emotion in my body causing the negativity.

Whooo – what a relief!

Then, no matter how monstrous this negative impulse felt, all I had to do was not fuel it through my mind, and instead go inside my body, find the related trapped painful emotion and energetically claim it, feel it and release it.

Truly – that is it!

Totally like looking for a component in a hard drive that is casing poor performance, and then popping it out of the computer.

You may think I’m kidding… I can almost hear you say,  “Noooo…It can’t be that easy!”…But I promise you it is!

That orientation can be easy if you constantly remind yourself of it, commit to it and live it. Then it becomes a complete re-trained life focus.

It becomes more and more real and natural to do, the results constantly prove themselves over and over to you, and you dissolve your ego because you are no longer feeding your negative peptide addictions.

As a result you break out into more and more freedom, then more and more space, joy and expansion opens up inside you (which than generates the same outside you) and you come closer and closer to the experience of Who You Really Are.

This IS doing life the easy way – way easier than trying to wrestle your inner wounds and ego to the ground.

However…this easier and infinitely more effective orientation takes effort, it takes immense courage (initially) and it takes a full surrender to meeting yourself – every part of you including those parts you would much rather sweep under the table.

It takes the highest dedication to fully be with (feel) your pain.

Emotional pain is hugely how we perceive it. If we are terrified of it – believing it confirms that we are defective – then YES it is mammoth, and it can feel like it will take us out…so naturally we do everything we can to ‘not go there’.

The unattended to emotional wounds then gain momentum in the background, continue festering and grab us by the throat unexpectedly every time there is a ‘gap’ to present. We also keep attracting events in our life which trigger this disowned pain, and Life dishes it up to us (to force us to self-partner and meet ourselves with unconditional love and acceptance – in other words ‘evolve’) by lining up bigger and more obvious situations until we DO go inwards to ourselves.

Avoidance is not the answer. All that does is kick the can further down the road, and the can gets more and more battered and rusty. The longer we take to meet ourselves, the more wounds there are to deal with.

I found that normalising my inner wounding made meeting myself and working on myself so much easier.

It is sooo much easier to fully claim an inner wound and feel it fully when I understand it is merely a faulty belief system and emotional trauma trapped in my body, rather than thinking I am a damaged, defective, depressed woman experiencing an emotional episode!

It is sooo much easier to fully feel a faulty part (in order to claim it and release it) knowing it is NOT Who I Am…

Can you understand how this orientation allows you to fully go to these ‘faulty’ parts of yourself without self-recrimination, judgement or repulsion for yourself?

I promise you it is not the emotional pain that kills us, it is the resistance to it that does. It is the horrible premises we believe about ourselves (I’m hopeless / defective / I’m never going to get out of this / my life is ruined / who would ever want me? etc.) in response to our emotional pain which creates the awful damage.

Those beliefs cause us to avoid our pain or drown in it.


The Initial Courage and Effort Necessary

I said before that this is an easy way to live…but initially the journey is not easy.

There are many fables and myths regarding the metaphor of ‘facing one’s inner dragons / demons’ and going through the ‘dark night of the soul’.

These metaphors relate to the passages and rites of heroes – true heroes. This is what personal alchemy is about, this is what walking through fire is all about. This is what TRUE personal transformation is about.

If you want the goodies, nothing less than inner surrender to meet yourself is going to achieve it.

The irony is, after the initial feelings like you are going to die (which is really your ego dying), you start emerging feeling more alive, free and happy than you ever thought was possible.

Because you have experiencing rebirth.

Finally you become free of yourself.

Then dealing with emotional pain becomes a ‘maintenance thing’, which keeps offering more up-levelling and expansion – and you welcome these triggers for that reason, and easily transform them.

You also deeply experience winning back the Pure Essence of yourself (love, creativity, harmony, expansion, joy) every time you release a wound (especially a big one) because your energy that was trapped in that particular wound is instantly emancipated.

Occasionally a really big trigger can blind-sight you – and you may not be able to immediately go to it and shift it, and your head may to jump in and attempt to deal with it and start generating emotional  self-annihilation instead. However as soon as you remember your life commitment to ‘so within so without’ you drop the head anguish, go inside, claim the wound and release it – even if it takes wailing, rocking and heavy breathing to keep your body open enough to do so.

This last paragraph is a description of what many people go through at the start of this journey. If they are really committed and really surrendered to collapsing inwards to ‘be’ inside with themselves.

I know that wailing, rocking and breathing doesn’t sound like much fun…

If someone had told me before narcissistic abuse that was what I needed to do, I would have scoffed, “What for?”

Up until narcissistic abuse, before my emotional wounds completely engulfed me, I used to believe ‘positive thinking and taking action’ was all that was necessary to have a good life.

By the time I hit the ground with the trauma of narcissistic abuse, I thought I was going to die from the pain of my emotional wounds (as I know so many of you have felt too). Fortunately I had enough deep knowing and total knowledge that meeting the inner wounds was the only way to be free of them that I did surrender inwards.

It may sound really intense, but this is the truth that I have told many clients who are resistant to feeling their wounds. I tell them I decided that I would rather die from the pain of meeting my wounds than continue living the way I was living.

Because I just couldn’t live this way anymore.

So I collapsed inwards on my couch (as I encourage them to also do), and I met and shifted wounds. Whilst doing so – on the big ones – I wailed, rocked and breathed like I was giving birth to an elephant.

And each time I did release, I felt relief…sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours, and sometimes for days.

Then another painful belief and more wounds would present, and then another and another…And they would all be met and shifted out too.

In the distance I could sense a light at the end of the tunnel. The pin prick of light gradually got bigger and brighter, and now I am happy to say there is barely ever anything but ‘light’ and all the glorious feelings, wholeness and experiences that go with it.

The truth is I worked for it, I worked incredibly hard for it…often every day for hours, especially during the first few months.

In a lot of this shifting out of the pain (for months) I was still struggling with the beliefs that I was defective and damaged whilst doing so. It’s ONLY in the latter part or the extreme work that I had the total epiphany that any pain I felt was just a defective part, not Who I Am.

This created a profound ability to detach yet connect to even intense pain, and simply systemically shift it out and experience enormous instant inner space, relief and astounding ‘wholeness’ results.

I realised that no matter how painful and intense an inner wound was I needed to normalise it and not get taken out and engulfed by it.

The irony was I needed to fully partner with this wound unconditionally with love, complete surrender and openness, yet have the healthy mindfulness to know ‘this is simply a wound that I can meet, embrace and release.’

I am very passionate about helping you normalise your emotional wounds, so that you too can know that every negative emotion, without exception, is a trapped painful emotion and belief in your subconscious, and once released will not be a wound anymore.

What this means is: then there will then be no agonised thoughts or emotions or behaviours related to the wound, because it is gone.

But of course there will be other intense ones to deal with, and so on and so forth – until ‘the tipping point’ occurs. Until you get to the Other Side.


The Other Side

The Other Side of our painful emotions does not mean we are ‘in the clear’ or ‘home’ or ‘there is no more work to do’.

What it does mean is: consistently we feel great, we feel alive and we have totally accepted that Life is co-creating evolution with us – meaning anything about ourselves that can be up-levelled is going to present.

This is the other HUGE thing I realised – that when we get cleaner and cleaner on the inside, we start becoming very aware of negative emotion.

This is what happened to me…

I became aware of the little and not so little niggly feelings of anxiety or depression that I once accepted as ‘normal’. Then, for the first time in my life, I stood back and declared “Hang on! This is NOT Who I Really Am!”

No longer was any painful ‘normal’ emotion acceptable – not when every niggly ‘not right’ feeling was pointing me to an inner wound that I could find, claim and release and be free of.

This may sound obsessive. But, really my job (as well as my personal life passion) is to be the most joyous, free, expanded being I can be. So it makes perfect sense NOT to accept anything less.

Why would I accept any emotional pain when I have the means to be free of it?

I do my inner shift work whilst I walk in the mornings. This is multitasking at its best – exercise, fresh air, nature and the releasing of trapped painful emotions. I am dedicated to this process daily, and then follow up with a ten minute session of Qi Gong and an hour of yoga with a dear girlfriend when I arrive home.

When there is something (no matter how subtle) that I can feel in my body, I open up to it whilst walking and when my body is total relaxed and open. I then locate where it is in my body, take my awareness into it, ask how old it is, and what it is about, and I get my answers immediately (as we do more and more when we get used to this process).

It is so important that I feel no repulsion, no judgement and don’t allow my mind to start beating me up when I connect with my inner wounds. Instead I accept the answers I receive from my subconscious unconditionally, unquestioningly and lovingly. I then fully feel the emotional charge somatically, load it up, spiral it out and bring in Source to replace it – without giving any energy or attention to any head stories.

My Inner Being as a result opens up to more and more space…I literally feel like I am floating sometimes when I’m walking! (People probably think I’m on happy drugs with all the grinning and beaming!)

I am so interested and excited every day if I feel a trigger. I write it down, and it is on my ‘list to do’ for my next walk. For anyone who knows inner work – you will understand when I say the inner journey of where that can take me, and what I can find and release is soooo fascinating.

Things I had no rational idea existed!

Truly, when we release self-persecution, self-abandonment and self-loathing and replace it with the fascination of what our inner wounds are, the journey is amazing!

I am sooo comfortable with feeling emotional pain off and on, for an hour or two, whilst walking. The pay-off is spectacular, because every release brings in huge feelings of bliss, expansion and joy, and incredible wisdom. Levels of these emotions and understandings of ‘Life’ that weren’t possible before that release. Then all day, every day, (because I do the work of releasing the parts of me that don’t serve me) I get to feel expansiveness, joy, fun and love in greater and greater increments, with (now) only odd blips of triggers.

Thank goodness I still have triggers – because they mean I can keep growing! I LOVE that!

This is what normalising my shift work has created…

The mindfulness of: “A trigger equals a painful trapped emotional wound to locate and release so that I can expand myself”, as opposed to: “I’m unworthy, defective and no good”.

This orientation changed everything. It’s a massive difference.

At the start it is heavy going – absolutely. You have to have courage, you have to be prepared to understand you could shift one wound, and another one is immediately beside it or under it.

By the time our life has hit the soul-shattering experience of narcissistic abuse we are wounded –severely. And we have many wounds.

We also know our wounds are screaming so loudly at us we can’t ignore then anymore.

You may feel at first that you are shovelling muck out of a bottomless pit…but even whilst doing so it will be usual for you to feel ‘sneak peaks’ of joy and wholeness.

So often we are right on the edge of a huge breakthrough without knowing it…It might take weeks or months of intense inner dedication – as we pull one brick at a time out of the wall of painful beliefs – and then all of a sudden the wall collapses and we are free.

This was certainly my experience – as I have also witnessed for countless others in this community – the people who are willing to deeply partner self and do the work.

This is what the Other Side looks like, and it is my deepest wish that the realisations I can grant you from my journey offer you keys that can assist you to walk this Thriver journey in the most direct, straight line possible.


Have You Signed Up For the Webinar?

In the 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Webinar I am going to show you exactly how to do this process for yourself. My aim is to completely change the way you deal with and try to overcome emotional pain, so that you can continually release and up-level your painful triggers as they show up.

By doing so – you will release yourself.

These events fill up fast so please go and register your spot now.


I look forward to replying to your comments and any questions below!

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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83 Thoughts on How to Deal With Your Emotional Pain The Right Way In Order To Grow and Expand
    June 6, 2014

    I have to tell you I found your website two months ago. I would get emails here and there and read them and it was so help. Well I am now separated from husband for two weeks and the emotional pain is awful – I try to explain to people but unless you have been through this type of abuse you will never get how much it hurts . I was in a physical abuse before and I actually told my mom I would rather that. They know how to mess with you and tell you it’s all your fault when you finally get the courage to stand up. It is hard for children to get what is going on at 11 and 4 but even they knew something wasn’t right. Of course now I am the bad guy – while this hits me right in the emotional pain area and I cry and I feel so much better and tell myself I know my truths.

    I cannot express how much your website has helped me in my hours and minutes of emotional wreck.


    • Melanie
      June 6, 2014

      Hi Lisa,

      It is very true that the pain upon leaving is horrendous…and it is nowhere near like a normal relationship breakdown.

      I am so pleased you are gaining clarity and strength.

      Mel xo

      June 20, 2014

      What an inspiring article. Very encouraging and realistic about how much work is involved but the benefits are more than worth it. I am so glad I have resources like NARP to work with. That hasnt always been the case, information and resources just get better and better. Sometimes it feels like I dont really have a choice but to do healing work with myself. I need to start seeing that as fun, rather than a chore 🙂

    June 6, 2014

    Melanie its so strange all of your blogs just come to me at the right time. I am a good way there, I relapse, but then move on again, In fact I have never been as good in a long time, and you helped me find myself, dont laugh but I like me now. I love life now and look forward to getting my 4 lovely adult children back- they too are wounded such an environment to rear children in. With love, thanks and God’s blessings be your always MH

    • Melanie
      June 6, 2014

      Hi Maureen,

      Synchronicity is a wonderful thing!

      That is so beautiful that you like you now :

      And gorgeous that you love life.

      Much love and blessings to you too Maureen.

      Mel xo

    June 6, 2014

    I don’t really understand how this applies to people who suffered this abuse from the day of conception. It just seems to me that suffering narc abuse once ones personality and spirit are fully formed is massively different from the damage done to the youngest child whose trying to figure out who they are and what life means. The narc abuse becomes part of ones personality and lifelong experience which is impossible to separate from like one separates from a broken leg. That analogy is nearly perfect for the youngest baby can’t separate body from spirit from soul. Learning who one is while being responsible for the life of a narc parent damages the very abilities being called for in this article.
    It just seems that something deeper is needed for those of us who were literally raised being trained 24/7 that we are worthless unless we were filling their narc supply.
    I just don’t see how experiencing it as an adult compares.

    • Melanie
      June 6, 2014

      Hi Cher,

      I can assure you it does..

      Many of us suffered great damage to our Inner Identity with narc parents or controlling conditional co-dependent parents.

      In fact it was very rare for children to be brought up with healthy levels of self-love and self-acceptance reflected back to them to develop solidly emotionally.

      Unfortunately the world is full of abuse / abused or at the very least depressed / self-loathing (poor self-love / acceptance).

      One of my very dearest friends was narc abused horrifically as a child, and she has worked with NARP and is now glowing…let alone the countless other people in the community who have healed from narc childhood abuse.

      The proof is overwhelmingly staggering that regardless of ‘what happened’ inside us is the ability to generate healing with a power which does adore us that is greater than our limited human wounds regardless of how long they have been there.

      It all depends how you view our ‘spirit’ – whether you believe it is our personality, or whether you believe it is the part of us that is untouchable – that is a part of God / Source / Life that has simply been obscured – disconnected from by the wounds to the personality.

      History is full of people transcending even the most horrendous wounds – because they found a way to let go of these wounds and tap into a force much greater than these wounds. There is also the bigger picture of a deep soul’s journey to choose certain paths (even from birth) for the purpose of evolution, with the highest intention to break free and grow past generational patterns, not just for themselves but to break the cycles of pain and fear for the future generations.

      I refuse to believe it was just ‘bad luck’.

      Mel xo

        June 7, 2014

        Hi Cher,
        I want to offer my encouragement to you. I was born into a family with a narc mother and 2 much older narc brothers. I was sexually abused by one of the brothers at 5 years old. I never got to know my true self as a child, but now I am meeting and getting to know my true self every day and trust me – when you do NARP, you will finally feel like you are home, safe, warm and in a real life with your true self. The other life you had was false, created by false people. All will change as feel joyous!
        Best wishes to you on your path.
        Love and peace

    June 6, 2014

    Finding your site really a support thank you. Am 1 year on from ending / recovering from a 20 yr marriage which has left me shattered and exhausted. Have kids and worried about how to manage contact / visits with ex and to protect them from his emotional manipulation.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 7, 2014

      Hi Linzi,

      you are so welcome.

      As a mother, and seeing the devastation to children in this community I am very passionate about the topic of our children.

      Linzi the truth is this: we cannot help our children when we are still an inner wounded child ourself.

      Our greatest responsibility to them is get well and then we lead by example literally and energetically.

      Please read this article it will help you understand –

      Mel xo

    June 6, 2014

    It’s always a pleasure to read a great article that is bookmark worthy!

    Not only that, it is perfectly in sync with the conclusions that I’ve been reaching.

    In specific, what you talked about — this being a hero’s journey — is something that I’ve been talking about with friends last week. The thing that really blew me away was your likening our painful journeys to hell and back to personal alchemy.

    Personal alchemy . . . .

    . . . . What a powerful concept!

    (It also appeals to my metaphysical nature. 🙂 )

    Personal transformation is what it’s all about. And I am deeply grateful for the insights you presented in your article, especially the concept of normalizing emotional pain. Who would have thought to do that?

    It is much more easy to compartmentalize our emotional pain and view ourselves as flawed rather than experiencing an injury that needs to be addressed and treated.

    We have more than just our physical body; we also have an emotional body and a spiritual body. Any of these bodies can become injured, not just the physical body alone.

    And just like injuries to the physical body, it makes sense that injuries to the emotional and spiritual bodies also do not make one a flawed person. All that means is that no matter the body, injuries need to be addressed as injuries, and not defects in character.

    Thus, thank you SO much for this awesome article. It has given me plenty to process and absorb, and I love that! Not only will I be bookmarking this article, I will be sharing it with others!

    Thank you, Mel!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 7, 2014

      Hi Neringa,

      I am so pleased this one struck a chord with you..

      Neringa I really don’t ‘think’ of these things – they just emerge as ‘knowings’…I am very blessed that happens to me!

      I believe it is because I am such a deep seeker of truth, and so passionate about knowing it!

      This particular ‘knowing’ was HUGE for me – soooo liberating!! As I hope it can be for others.

      Bless you Neringa and thank you for your post!

      Mel xo

        November 6, 2014

        I am still living with my S.O even though I am planning on ending the relationship. How do I detach from him and not give him his N Supply while I’m still in the same house with him?

    June 6, 2014

    14 years ago and two days after the wedding, I was shown the true man I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with and build a family. This high-level Narcissist was able to maintain a two year beautiful courtship and after the wedding as I explain to others was the devil himself sitting in our living room. You all know the rest of the story. I spent the next 10 years in the thick fog changing careers to a stay-at-home Mom and raising 3 children. Four years ago the situation changed to where he needed to leave the home. He had put an empty handgun to his head and in front of the children asked me to pull the trigger, since he said I would be happier if I did. I couldn’t help but let out a laugh and told him to do it himself as I continued on to what I was doing. After 4 years, I am still in custody court and we have a parenting mediator who has sided with my former spouse until just recently has made some amazing changes in his responses. (I already fired the PM once, and the judge brought him back.) For those in the courts, again as you know, the battle with a NPD former spouse and children is a whole nightmare in itself. The courts see me as the ex-wife trying to take the children away when I am trying to protect them from this NPD.

    I have felt so alone with this whole process or for those who know St. Joan of Arc like her story, …. even counselors would just tell me to get over it, it’s over…move on…all of our friends we established within the marriage have remained friends with me, but are in the fog.

    I watched a lot of Sam Vaknin on you tube to begin the clearer days that I was not crazy. Then about 3 months ago,I found Melanie’s website which has begun the long awaited healing process inside of me and wow there are other people who understand what I have been through and will continue to go through until my youngest 6 year old is at least 18 years old. I am not alone. I am a good person. I am thankful this process is taking place within myself. I wish I didn’t have to have this NPD person to constantly deal with. I want to raise my children without this constant thorn in my side. I disengage from the contact with my former spouse, but they work through the children to stir up things. It makes the healing process prolonged.

    Melanie’s emotional healing process has given me hope to embrace the moments and let them go. To know this is okay, it has happened for a reason and reach for joy and happiness. I look forward to the letters that come from Melanie, because they always seem to be written for what I am experiencing that day. The timing is amazing and I am very thankful for this blog that gives me the hope I need each day to grow as a person for me and my children.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 7, 2014

      Hi Chris,

      I am glad you are finding clarity, and learning h0ow to release the trauma and get the shift into wellbeing.

      That is truly how we get ‘what is happening’ to transform, by transforming on the inside ‘why it is happening’.

      Hugs and healing.

      Mel xo

    Karen w
    June 7, 2014

    my big hurdle is ‘understanding’ I know it to be true and am prepared to do the work, but comprehending what metaphysical teachers write has always been a challenge for me. Was the same when I was being taught science and economics at school! They may as well have been speaking in another language. Will do my best but all I can say is good luck with me Mel ha 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 7, 2014

      Hi Karen,

      that’s cute!!

      I get many people who used to write me with all sort of questions (logically) saying..”I need to read all the eBooks and get my mind to shift before I do the healings”..

      Truly that is trying to put a cart in front of a horse!

      Karen your mind has no ability to understand metaphysical truths, connecting to a Higher Power or ‘beingness’.

      You can only understand the intangible when you live it, when you do it, and then you JUST become it.

      So the answer is stop trying to intellectualise it and just do the work!

      Mel xo

    Quinton Edward
    June 7, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    This article came at the right time. I have been having agonising feelings for the past few days. I have planned a place to stay and have made it known to some people close to me that I am finally going no contact in a few days time. I thought that I have built up enough courage to finally leave the N but now that I have a set date (only a few days from now), I am all of a sudden plagued by agonising feelings of guilt for wanting to leave the Narc now that he is building a new house for us. He has no idea that I am planning to leave but he is also so nice and sweet over the last few days even though he still stays glued to the computer screen. I have left false trails but am still scared that he will find me.
    A part of me is saying that this is what I need to finally release that crippling fear and also the guilt of not wanting to hurt him and just go because he will be fine.
    But then the other part of me says that he will be too much of a mess to survive.

      Quinton Edward
      June 7, 2014

      After a few moments of inner reflection and talking to a good friend, I just realised that I am doing it in my head again and that a large part of the reason I am postponing leaving,is because of the inner child in me that believes to be safe is to not rock the boat and to tip toe to keep the peace. I am also afraid of meeting that wound and that is why I am still with him.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 7, 2014

        Hi Quinton,

        correct and that is exactly what needs to be cleared out of your body..

        The REAL reasons (wounds) within you that are generating feelings of guilt..

        Then you break free not just from the attachments to him, but old wounds that have been with you way before the narcissist.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 7, 2014

      HI Quinton,

      just to check in…

      Are you working NARP?

      Because those agonising feelings of course are going to hook you into staying in the guilt, second guessing, confusion etc…

      Whereas with NARP(Module 6) you can release those charges and be free of all guilt and clear again – meaning aligned with what is right and your real truth.

      That is our real job – not to wrestle with negative emotion with the use of our mind (equals how to lose) but to clear the wounds out of our body (they are wounds because they feel awful), and then we have space, clarity, wellbeing and truth emerge on ‘that topic’.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

        Quinton Edward
        June 8, 2014

        Yes, it helped thanx

        I was thinking of immersing myself into module 6 for the guilt and module 8 for the fear.

    June 7, 2014

    This comes at precisely the moment I am discovering the bliss of letting go of the pain with NARP. The process is nothing short of fantastic and much easier than I thought it would be. Yes, some of the shifts are very difficult to go through but nothing is as bad as the hell I went through with the Narc. I am learning to welcome the triggers as an opportunity to shift more negative energy out, up and away. Sometimes I feel the benefit the next day rather than immediately – its as if the body needs some time to resettle after the blockage has been removed. What a revelation and a relief to know that ‘thinking it out’ is fruitless and what really needs addressing is the body and the heart. It is truly liberating and joyful now and I can’t thank Melanie enough for this wonderful gift of healing. I shudder to think what would have become of me if I had not discovered NARP just in time. I am truly grateful!! <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 7, 2014

      Hi Nikita,

      that is wonderful that you are meeting yourself and working such a direct path with NARP.

      It does mean dropping into the wound (no matter how big) with fierce courage and surrender.

      That is where people do get the most powerful shift, change and freedom.

      Oh yes! This beats ‘stinking thinking’ ANY day!!

      You are so welcome Nikita! Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

    June 7, 2014

    My years of abuse were the years that changed me forever, in knowing, finally knowing, who I am.
    “We must get away from the idea that deliverance from trial is the highest form of spiritual blessing. . . . We learn more in a few days in the fiery furnace than we would learn in years out of it.” (J. Oswald Sanders. Spiritual Maturity. Chicago: Moody Press, 1962, 64.)

    Blessings to you Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 7, 2014

      Hi Lynn,

      yes for sure..

      All of this was to develop – and without it we never would have.

      It is ALL a gift – no matter what it looks like.

      Brilliant post thank you! 🙂

      Mel xo

        June 10, 2014

        Hi Melanie,
        I’ve been getting such great ‘ah-ha moments’. THANK YOU, MEL, for caring more than enough about helping those of us forever changed by narc-abuse. You are so very correct about any of us having met a narc is a Blessing in disguise. Now, for the first time, I understand when my Pastor says God is good, all the time, even during our trials. God sent me a narc, put me through that trial, because He DOES love me. ‘It IS all a gift – no matter what it looks like.’ Oh, I get it…I finally get it. Thank you. THANK YOU!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 10, 2014

          Hi Darlene,

          You are very welcome 🙂

          Absolutely life only sends us angels – just in many different forms..

          I adore that you recognise the gift, and the profound blessing of this journey.

          Yay! Now True Life begins… 🙂

          Mel xo

    June 7, 2014

    Thank you for another amazing article Melanie. As someone who had lived feeling unlovable and unworthy from very young years, I can relate to feeling defective. These are the beliefs and the associated wounds that NARP helped me get straight into. I work daily now surrendering unworthiness and bringing in wholeness and love. Self care and self worth are what I nurture every day. I have shed lots of tears, but it has been wholly worth it. I have regular insights and my recent one is the complete sense that what I was taught is the complete opposite of what is healthy and real and true. Again, all the best to people just starting on this path, you will not regret it xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2014

      Hi Carol,

      you are very welcome.

      Brilliant that you have been shedding tears and painful beliefs and opening up to the True You.

      That is so correct, that what we were taught is not the truth – and how we actually don’t need to learn anything to know the truth – it was inside us all along.

      Thank you for your lovely post!

      Mel xo

    Phil and Darlene
    June 8, 2014

    Thank you so very much, Melanie Tonia Evans! We both appreciate the insightful wisdom you’re instilling in empathetic people, like us, who’ve been targets of narcissistic abuse–for far too long. Your vital lessons and uplifting encouragement have empowered us both to recently give our two-week notices to a toxic team of NPD bosses–after years of taking their narc abuse! Thank you for helping us make this possible. Our lives can only continue to improve. Wishing You All the Best! A Tool Repairman Husband & Data Entry/Shipping Clerk Wife

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2014

      Hi Phil and Darlene,

      you are very welcome!

      How gorgeous that you have given notice and said “No More!”

      Thank you for your lovely well wishes!

      Power and love to both of you.

      Mel xo

    June 8, 2014

    Well it has been about 2 weeks now since leaving my boyfriend of approx. 2 years. What I’m finding so difficult is remembering all the good and how good he made me feel at times. He was very attentive, giving, gave me a lot of attention and seemed that he would do anything for me. He always told me how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me and that he would never cheat like my husband of 24 years did (we are legally separated) However,on the other hand if there was some kind of disagreement or argument he could be very quick to react, quick to anger,almost child like and then comes the stupid comments and name calling etc. He would usually leave and then go everywhere we know people and tell them what happened and bad mouth me(he never told the full truth of what happened and added some lies in as well. This happened over and over at least 1 or 2 times a month. Throughout the relationship there were many red flags and lies that he would never admit- but the good was so good and I just loved him and wanted it to work so bad hoping things would change. Well this last argument ended our relationship – after a couple of days of not talking to him he just became more and more spiteful,and he was saying horrible things to people about me. I know that this is not the kind of relationship I want or deserve and I know he probably will never change – but I still miss and love him and am finding it so hard trying to move on even after all his bad behavior. I just really could use some advice on getting through this – I’m just a mess.

      June 10, 2014

      Hi Mary. Sorry for your pain. It’s still so fresh seeing as how it’s only been 2 weeks. You did the right thing for yourself. If you read the list of abusive characteristics by Melanie Tonia Evans, you’ll see that your ex-boy-friend fits the descriptions. Congratulations on leaving. You are intelligent to recognize the abuse and wise in standing your ground so as not to take any more. Also, you may want to familiarize yourself with Melanie’s ‘No Contact’ information. The more you read, the more healthier you’ll be. You’ll become empowered to live your life to the fullest. I just KNOW you will. Be Well, Be Blessed, Mary!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2014

      HI Mary,

      I totally understand what you are feeling – the hardest part is at the start…the initial No Contact.

      This is when the addiction hits at full throttle – and it is when we are stationery enough for the impact of the abuse to hit.

      Also it is incredibly normal to feel the intense addiction as longing and missing. It isn’t until we heal the corresponding beliefs inside us that are connected to this that we become clear with no emotional detachment.

      Mary, I would love you to come into my Free Webinar so that you can learn what is going on, and how to heal in the most direct way possible.

      Mel xo

    Jane M.
    June 9, 2014

    This article left me in deep thought. I never felt, thought or believed I was hopeless or defective, or flawed, or that my life was ruined, or who would want me. None of that came up for me when doing NARP. I never wailed, rocked or had any such reaction either during the modules. After reading your article, I wondered why I didn’t, while so many people did. It came to my mind that about a week ago I did the goal setting module with the intent “to know when I feel as opposed to when I think.” (I wrote to you in the forum introducing myself, with the question how to know when I feel as opposed to ‘think I feel a certain way’, and you suggested to do the goal setting module with that goal in mind: to know when I feel). A lot came up for me while doing the module as to why I could not feel, why I thought I could handle everything through my head. Now, while reading this article,I started to realize that while I didn’t ever feel defective, I did sought approval and acceptance from the NARC and his family and spent a lot of time trying to get it. Basically, got insight that my belief is “that I am not enough without approval, success etc.” Not that I am defective, just not enough.
    Doing a module on trying to feel and then, while reading your article, being able to find a belief my logical mind was never ready to admit…I guess it is not a coincidence…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2014

      Hi Jane M.,

      This is wonderful that you are connecting to your feeling centre.

      Now that you are connecting emotionally the insights are emerging from within you.

      ‘Defective’ really just means ‘not in our true power’…and this includes looking for something outside of us rather than being the source to ourselves..

      This is so true – our logical mind points outwards as denial and disowning of inner wounds.

      Hence why we need to go inside to access truth, wisdom and real healing.

      Fabbo you are on the right track!

      Mel xo

    June 10, 2014

    Hi! Love this as always! I had some questions I posted on the forum but also wondered if you could explain what you meant when you said “so within so without”! I think I understand but would love to hear what you have to say!
    You are an incredible blessing and the reason I can say I am thriving!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2014

      Hi Sunny,

      I am so glad you enjoyed the article.

      ‘So within – so without’ means if you want to know what your inner subconscious programming is – look at your life!

      It also means the only place real change happens in our life is by creating the change within.

      The outside reflects the inside always.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

    June 10, 2014

    On the surface, I got what a “trigger” was, by context. It wasn’t until I found myself reading an article about someones experience with N-Abuse and I found I couldn’t sleep for a night or 2, that it really sunk in what trigger meant. It is frustrating dealing with the anger so long after the event, but it also seems like a reminder to continue to heal myself and outgrow everything related to these disordered people.

    Acceptance of my true self was what I was waiting for, and it freed me in many ways. I no longer feel so out-of-place, conspicuous, self-conscious. I am enough, I am equal, I am on my way to a new life and see the things its ok to let go of, to make room for things that are authentic.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2014

      Hi Sarah,

      the truth is a trigger is any negative emotion coming up – from within or triggered off by the outside.

      It is all points to the same thing – a trapped painful emotion / belief in our body.

      Absolutely it is frustrating until we anchor into the knowing that these disordered people were hitting our subconscious wounds so that they could become conscious and heal.

      That is the orientation that takes us forward into greater expansion, development and evolution potential that we could never have had without these people.

      Gorgeous – you are so getting it! It is all about letting go of these wounds, opening up and allowing ourselves to be filled with true life.

      Mel xo

    June 10, 2014

    Your insight into the narcissistic abuser is absolutely the BEST I’ve ever tried for my Complex-PTSD from childhood abuse and a divorce from a NPD, and believe me, I’ve tried EVERYTHING from EMDR to EEG Biofeedback–these DO NOT help. I’ve gotten to the acceptance stage. YEAH! I had the hardest time forgiving, but after reading all of Melanie’s materials and paying attention to what my body was telling me, I forgave all my past abusing NPD’s. I marked the date on my brain’s calendar, so IF I slip up by trying to hold a past NPD accountable I can now remind myself that I forgave that NPD or any NPD that I forgave ALL of them on June 5th. I can’t hold NPD’s accountable, but I now can sure leave that to my Higher Power to do that for me and I am finally FREE! Thank you, Melanie. Thank you, Higher Power! WHAT a relief!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2014

      Hi Darlene,

      I am so pleased my material is reaching inside you and helping.

      Gorgeous that you have pulled your ego and victimisation out of the fray – because that is when true healing and evolution begins!

      Mel xo

    June 10, 2014

    I’m really having a tough time. I have days where I can apply all of what everyone is saying here with the healing and acceptance. But, then are these days where I just miss the good parts and can’t believe he never loved me! That he is going on with his life (he’s a cannabis addict) and is happy!! This almost drives me to insanity!!! I am so looking forward to the webinar in hopes that I can make a huge schift!!! Thanks for this site Mel, I hope to get as far as you one day!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2014

      Hi Kathleen,

      this is because your logical mind does not have the ability to find, locate and release your wounds that are keeping you trapped in abuse.

      It is only when we access and do the work on our subconscious that we can genuinely break free from all emotional attachments and illusions.

      The Webinar information will help you immensely!

      If you do the work hun – I promise you – you WILL!

      Mel xo

      May 25, 2015

      No addict is ‘happy’. Truly happy people don’t need to abuse substances or other people — it’s simply not on their agenda.

      YOU will be happy, YOU will make yourself happy day by day and remember that what we call happiness is really inner contentment with ourselves and our own company. It’s not our birthday every day of the year so we shouldn’t expect presents 364 and in any case, we don’t need presents when we have ourselves.

    June 10, 2014

    It is about releasing emotional pain and it’s true that we tend to see our emotional wounds as character flaws. But, I found there was another dimension to knowing the narcissist, as well: In uncovering everything else, I found I did actually have a couple of character flaws – a touch of self-righteousness here, a lack of humility there – that needed adjusting.

    There’s an image that came up at that time that I’ve never been able to come to grips with. In Grade 4, I sat next to my cousin at school. I was the clever one. The teacher would write a column of sums on the blackboard, I would write the answers in my workbook, and my cousin would glance across and copy them. One day, the teacher strolled past and commented to me (not unkindly, more amused) about me letting my little cousin cheat off of me. And, a part of my little mind thought, “But that’s unfair. I don’t give her the answers. She takes them.”

    In the next arithmetic test, I wrote down a couple of wrong answers, and after she’d glanced across, I quietly corrected them.

    I look back now and think how unkind, how mean, how sad. And yet – I still do it!
    I can look back at the narcissist with gratitude that he opened the wounds I was able to heal. But he learnt stuff from me, too – not only life skills, but industry stuff, that gave him a leg into my industry. And, to the extent that I think of him at all – I still get a real stab of resentment occasionally that ‘he’s got my knowledge’!

    Why am I so mean with knowledge? What boundaries do I think they transgressed (after all, whether they cheat or not is down to them). I really feel as though they ‘took’ something from me – and yet – it’s only knowledge!

    Maybe someone ‘outside’ of me can see what I don’t see?!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    June 10, 2014

    Hi Lucy,

    you are bang on!

    It is sooo true, that all of us have ‘nasty’ little aspects that we would rather keep disowned, and some of them were like the narcs! 100% Owing this and facing and releasing those aspects is also a big part of recovery – because a healthy, loving, authentic being – without nasty little defences / envy etc.!

    Ok, where you are at with this is a prime example of trying to work it out logically.

    No-one has your reason – only you inner wound that gets triggered by this does..

    This is the process – when you think about that painful topic – Where is the ‘pain’ in your body? Drop into that – how old are you? (What part of the inner wounded child took on this painful belief), now really drop into that…”What is this about?” – and THEN you will get you answer.

    That is exactly what the QFH Process does, puts you into theta brainwave, takes you straight to the wound, teaches you how to get in contact with it, and then how to release it out of your body – so it simply is not there anymore.

    Does that make sense and help?

    Mel xo

      June 22, 2014

      Yep that makes sense – logically!
      But what if you are afraid to go back there? I know from experience that if you can go back and feel (not remember, but actually feel) the feelings of childhood, then the false beliefs become self-evident, and it’s a simple matter to go back and reassure your child-self.
      But, what if the feeling is terror?
      I went back close to the event, recently, to the aftermath, and that was helpful – but, later I woke in the night, rigid with fear.

      My old dad used to say,’Sometimes, the more you stir it, the more it stinks!’ and that’s what I’m afraid of – to go back to the ‘big one’, who knows what it might stir?

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 22, 2014

        Hi Lucy,

        its very normal to be frightened of going back there..

        The problem has been with us all along, we have self-avoided and tried not to feel and process our pain – hence why it came to us from the outside as abuse..

        It is the most courageous journey we will ever do – and the most essential – because if we are not willing to ‘be’ with self we can’t heal ‘self’.

        Yes you can ‘let sleeping dogs lie’ if you choose, but this means those disowned wounds will keep presenting via others and keep going in your experience.

        What choice do we have if we want to get well?

        Mel xo

          June 22, 2014

          ok. thanks.

    June 10, 2014

    Hi Melanie. What a fantastic article. I am now two years out of my marriage to a Narc. My first winter alone was horribly painful and I thought I was losing my mind. I followed the Narp programme diligently and yes it hurt, but little by little the bricks came down. Two years on my life is transformed, I have a new, loving partner and I have started my own business. But mostly I feel comfortable with myself, I feel I do not have to justify myself to anyone and I have learnt to take responsibility for my own feelings. It has been an amazing journey of self discovery and liberation. I am deeply grateful for the experience and to you Melanie for showing me how to heal.
    To all of you who are suffering the pain of narc abuse I would like to say follow Melanie’s methods. Be gentle and non judgemental with yourselves. There is a life free from emotional pain, I would never have believed I could recover, but I did…and when the pain finally goes and the wounds are healed, there is such a sense of joy and happiness in their stead that you will be astonished!

    June 11, 2014

    How would you address physical exhaustion? Have been working NARP, No Contact is holding, and releasing on a deeper level. My health is good, I eat well, take supplements. However, some days exhaustion is so acute I wonder if there is something seriously wrong. Sleep is very deep but I wake up still feeling tired. I am used to having a lot of energy, and, in fact, have always had lots of restless energy, work on a lot of projects etc. This is the absolute opposite. If I go inside and ask what this is about, the answer I get is that I am tired of cleaning up other people’s messes. The feeling is like I have come off the battlefield. (I have noticed that new people I am meeting are inordinately kind and gracious, so I seem to be attracting a kinder, more refined world that is completely opposite of the brutality of the narcissist.) However, I still feel this is physical. I have muscle aches, and take a lot of hot baths, but the exhaustion remains acute.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 11, 2014

      Hi Charlene,

      all physical without exception has an emotional root…the physical is the symptom..

      You have done great you have identified the beliefs…now you just need to shift them. Then if the physical issues remain – there are still more beliefs to go.

      Mel xo

      June 12, 2014

      I too am very tired…but I know it’s because change is work. I find lavender sea salt baths or soap helps. Find a way to treat yourself kindly each day.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 12, 2014

        Hi Raeanne,

        it I very pertinent what you wrote here, “Change is work”..that is an exact example of how beliefs can create tiredness..

        If you were to shift that too: “Every time I do a shift I release the energy that was trapped, and I feel great joy, released energy and expansion” then that is exactly what your experience would become…

        See how literal it is and how powerfully we choose to create our reality?

        Mel xo

    June 12, 2014

    Melanie…I listen to your past radio shows which also helps in addition to NARP. Do you know when this one will be available in the archives? Thank you so much for what you do. I feel less pain now but have much more clearing up to do!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 12, 2014

      Hi Raeanne,

      very soon – just sent message to webmaster..poor thing she has been snowed under with developments!

      Should be very soon!

      Mel xo

    June 12, 2014

    Lavender sea salt baths! Wow, that sounds so lovely! Thank you, Raeanne! Also, thank you, Mel. It appears in my work I have naturally been going to deeper family of origin issues, and digging them out and releasing IS hard work. Also, while doing this have had to establish No Contact with certain family members. I feel certain this is right for me, however, it is unfamiliar territory. Mel, I really like how you start your day with a walk and release work, followed by yoga. I’m going to try this because it really sounds like a great way to combine emotional and physical release. xox Charlene

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 12, 2014

      HI Charlene,

      you are very welcome…

      Re the belief ‘releasing is hard work’ – see what I wrote above for Raeanne -that will make Universes of difference 🙂

      Yes absolutely the incorporating is glorious! I adore it…

      Mel xo

    June 15, 2014

    hello Mel. Something quite bizarre just happened. I just got back from visiting a friend in the USA. She and her husband were close friends with me and my ex. My daughter came with me as well. We drove back home(24 hours) as we had done many times as a family, and went to a mall where we used to stop in the US about 3 hours from home. To my amazement, my daughter ran into my ex, who was also there shopping. What were the chances? I myself did not see him, but this left my daughter deeply triggered as she has little relationship with him, and has not seen him for a very long time. I noticed in myself not much in the way of emotional upset, but where I did feel triggered was watching my daughter flip out. I have discovered even all week being away, that my daughter’s triggers toward her father create a fix-it response in me because of guilt I feel for not providing her with a better father. She is also going through a time of separating from me as she is a young adult. It is complex and difficult. I judge myself harshly on one hand and have trouble owning my responsibility on the other…I regressed, and feel ashamed I did not do better. Somehow I still hear that like some authoritative sternness on an emotional level. I want greater freedom in loving my daughter more healthily and getting off the guilt trip. Thanks.

    June 17, 2014

    I am back to myself…had a bad dip into a regressive state, but have climbed back out again…for the millionth time. It happens far less now. I love how you talk about triggers being gifts, showing us where to go to heal some more. This was a big one for many reasons unexpressed, but thankfully, I am stronger now, and recovery happens faster. I release my guilt and replace it with acceptance and forgiveness. Peace again.

    June 21, 2014

    Your work is like a bright light and a refreshing drink of water for a thirsty soul… to bring the life force back in. Your approach to this is truly amazing, and life affirming for those abused souls. Your words and experience are very empowering, and your connection to divinity brings a calm to any anxiety, fear and trauma i have been feeling. Thank you for your contribution to this healing process!

    June 27, 2014

    I have gotten to the point in my life where I easily witness when I might be feeling sad or angry or something similar. At that moment I simply recognize it and allow it to be present as one does with their thoughts during meditation. I don’t buy into it by giving it a story. I don’t feed it. Magically very quickly the emotion just falls away, or I somehow simply acknowledge where that feelings coming from, just acknowledge it, nd again by not giving it a story I release it. It was the same when giving up smoking for instance (17 years ago). For many years every time I felt myself to be stressed the thought would pass through my mind ‘I need a cigarette’ and I would simply notice it and say to myself ‘What??’ no I don’t. I have never wanted a cigarette since but ego tried magnificently to hook me back in.
    Meditation, yoga and walking in nature regularly are also tools for personal empowerment that I use. I’ve just written and released my first book The Wisdom in the Silence Within which highlights daily practices for connecting to and magnifying your divine connection of love.
    Thanks so much for the work you do. You are a trail blazer.
    I also remember a couple of years before my father passed realizing that no matter I ever did, say, achieved or gave would ever be enough to satisfying, appease or heal my father. The way he responded to me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with what he felt about himself. I no longer try to save anyone however I am always up to assisting those who are sincere in their healing.

    August 3, 2014

    Hi Melanie, thank you do much for your healing work. I have had a breakthrough I wanted to share with you. I’ve long been attracted to N people and have known it on a sub level, realizing it has to do with my damaging relationship with my father, and wanting that “larger than life” child-to-parent feeling. It lead me into a quasi-religious cult, which I escaped, and to jobs with charismatic male leaders, whom I’d give my all to, thinking it’d bring relief and safety. Nope. Used and dumped, as they were all N.
    But here’s what I’ve learned. I would early on, ascribe my qualities to them- honesty, good work ethic, being of good character-and when the inevitable break came- the grief, pain and deep loss I’d feel, were actually my feelings of becoming distanced from myself. -those N’s were hollow sociopaths. What I revered about Them, was in fact, Me! Haha!
    Doesn’t mean there’s not *plenty* of work to do on myself, still. I feel nervous about myself and interacting with people- am I “safe” for them? Am I toxic? Kids used to turn away from me. But what I’m astounded to see, is people changing towards me! Strangers make eye contact and smile, tiny children smile and wave at me, even dogs lean towards me as they pass. I’ve even had a man I’d done business with in the past, offer to work with me again. I’ve exorcised this demon and now I get to be human again. Your program is a miracle. Thank you for helping me.

    December 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    I am slowly withdrawing from the negative peptides. I started your program less than a week ago. I felt total white knuckling would be too much of a shock to my body. I am very intellectual, but now understanding thinking my way through is not going to help. Thank you for this article. I finally see a small flicker of light at the end of this dark tunnel on the “Other Side.”

    Be blessed and Be well,

    May 21, 2015

    I’ve accepted the fact that I was married 20 years to a narsccisitic & suffered much emotional damage due to his abusive nature. I’m able now to let go & move on with my life, but I need to know how to rebuild my self worth, self esteem, self value, etc… I am at peace with everything else. I dont hurt & cry anymore, I just want to become a whole healthy woman, again. How do I rebuild myself to become that whole emotionally healthy woman, again?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 21, 2015

      Hi Barbie,

      that is so what this journey is all about not just “mere survival” but the rebuilding of ourselves to be able to Thrive – to be able to go forward in ways that we couldn’t previously “find” or “do” … whilst in the relationship, and maybe even before we were N-abused.

      Barbie this is why I have my New Life free series “16 Days To Your New Life” and my Webinars because we dive deeply into what has really happened to you, as well as how to heal it.

      My strongest suggestion is connecting to this series … you can do this here

      Mel xo

    August 24, 2016

    Melanie something come up when I read this blog of yours. The wounds (negatives) we have come up and that is things what we must work (solve them) on – True. That is also true for something (positive) you know to do and don’t do it. Example: Somebody do something and you know that is also what you must do. That is an encouragement for you to go ahead and do it as well.

    Lu Lu
    August 27, 2016

    I look forward to the webinar. I am on day 15 of my new life. It is hard for me to grasp thinking that highly of myself as explained in the healing process. My N has stopped trying to contact me for 3 days. I dont open my door and use an app to the ten phone numbers he has been calling from. I woke up yesterday with my mind telling me how much I love him. Other times its nightmares.
    My biggest question is do you recommend restraining orders if they do not stop? I have many many threatening voicemails. My app I use now hangs up so he cannont leave messages.
    Truely I just want to be done with him and the drama. Court proceedings will just drag it on.
    Thank God for you teachng me about no contact, hooks, and hoovering.
    I am trying my best to maintain the no contact. But it is oh so difficult.

    November 1, 2016

    Melanie, my biggest block is that in accepting that my inner wounds are not a reflection of my defectiveness I must also accept the same is true for my abuser. This is difficult for me. I don’t think I can forgive him for what he’s done. Much less thank him for “showing me my wounds”… What he did was so unacceptable no matter what mine or his inner wounds were. How do I overcome this?

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    February 15, 2017

    What more than Comcast Heart

    November 14, 2017

    I’m working on momodule1. I got the program 2weeks ago. It is helping. Thank you

    Charlene Longlade
    November 30, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I’m new, nonetheless, this article, like so many others you have hit home with me. As I read, my spirit is saying, “you know this to be true.” It’s refreshing to validate my findings in your work. Anyhow, through reading this article I discovered that what I was doing was putting my own beliefs aside in an effort to appease the narcissist. My mother was codependent, and that’s most likely where it stemmed from. This unhealthy tactic for trying to win their approval left me confused and insecure because I was chasing their false self who was constantly lying, not being accountable, or changing their mind in an effort to manipulate.

    April 22, 2018

    I’m very young (16 years old) but since I was born I’ve always been spiritually developed and have always felt different, something that makes me feel good and so bad at the same time.
    So this is my situation: since basically ever, so when I was a little kid, I’ve felt like everyone hated me and that makes me always get the definition of paranoiac which then makes me be actual hated by people; as I said I’ve always been different from people my age and I may look like a weirdo to most of my peers. In the first two years of high school it’s been terrible, I was in a terrible school where I was just seen as an idiot and had no friends, now I’ve changed school since September, and my situation is so much better than last year, since the whole school is better and I’ve learned how to act and be seen for what I am, since I have so many qualities, interests and passions (I’m also beautiful so I don’t understand why people should see me as a looser) and just want to show everyone who I really am, plus in this school it’s easier to find better people; although the situation isn’t as bad as before it’s not completely fixed, I found about the LOA 2 years ago and tried to apply it SO MANY times, but after some days of positivity I just got down for the first little bad thing that happened, and it’s still like that, this is beacuse I understood that you can try to be positive as much as you want but if you haven’t figured out what’s the problem deep inside of you on you’re subconscious then things will turn down again until you don’t “fix” yourself, now I don’t know how to understand what’s my real problem, why I always feel like everyone hate me and then it turnes out to be like that, now I have friends but the few I have are going away and I’m scared to be alone forever, plus my image to people has changed in comparison to last year, but things aren’t actually the way I want them to be, I feel like sometimes people still see me like a looser and since between teenagers there’s so much meanness and bullying, I’m scared it could happen to me and I’m also scared that by being scared I’ll attract it.

    How do I change my reality? Thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 23, 2018

      Hi Alex,

      My heart goes out to you, and please know I am so pleased that you have reached out here because Quanta Freedom Healing (the healing tool used by this community and which is in my NARP Program) allows us to find, target and release the exact core traumas which are responsible for any painful circumstance in our life.

      They access all responsible original root cause traumas – genetic, pastlife and childhood.

      Come into my free webinar and you will experience this for yourself

      It is a powerful solution Alex.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    July 4, 2018

    Hi Melania,
    Thank you for your website and all the ressources.
    After 43 years of abuse (by my mother then my ex-husband who now uses my children as weapons) and a terrible episode of abuse by proxy last week (expert and Family Courts – they force me to go to therapy with my narcissist ex-husband), I have just realized, with your help, that I need to release my traumas and shift my inner wounds. But I don’t understand how to do. Can you please tell me? I really need help.
    Many thanks.

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