Melanie Tonia Evans

5 Delightful Ways To Do Self-Care Without Feeling Guilty

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 26
41
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Self-care can be a struggle.

We may tell ourselves that we don’t have time, and…

There are things or people in our life that are SO much more important right now.

Or maybe self-care is something we have never known how to do for ourselves.

This I know, with releasing my own struggle with self-care and assisting so many others get free of their self-denial too, that we can carry DEEP guilt in regard to looking after ourselves.

We may have MANY multi-layered painful beliefs regarding this!

In today’s Thriver Tv Episode I want to deeply investigate this with you, to help free you also from the guilt of looking after you.

Not just for yourself, but for all others and everything you touch.

Which is why self-care is SO important.

As you will discover today!

 

 

Video Transcript

Putting oneself first is not an easy thing. There can be many multi-layered beliefs that have stopped us thinking this is healthy to do.

Guilt can be a big barrier.

How many of us have thought that taking care of self is wrong, selfish and even narcissistic?

Many of us came from the mindset of the previous generation of survival, and energy expended must be on practical ‘doing’ tasks, rather than so-called ‘self-indulgent’ ones.

Today I want to grant you 5 wonderful ways we can take care of ourselves, as well as the internal shifts we can do on our subconscious programs, to evolve beyond guilt and get healthier.

Okay, before we get started, thank you for being a subscriber to my channel, and if you haven’t yet, please do subscribe. Also, if you like this video, please give it a thumbs up!

Now let’s look at the reasons why healthy self-care is essential!

 

By Honouring Ourselves We Honour the Entire Field In Honourable Ways

I want to begin by saying what we do need to be-come and shift into – it’s what we are all taught by the airplane analogy – to put our oxygen mask on first before attempting to help anyone else with theirs.

If we are gasping for air, we potentially do more damage than good to others.

This is why I am so adamant about parents healing themselves as their first point of call, before attempting to sort out things for their children.

Quantum Law is a very exact Law of so within, so without. If we try to serve others whilst we are going empty, then our efforts will only bring more pain and emptiness to others and ourselves. Yet if we come from a place of wholeness, then we affect others and the entire Field in whole and healthy ways.

What is also vitally important is that we don’t continue the message of dire co-dependency that we were fed growing up –  that going without and people pleasing and keeping the peace so that others will love you, is what we should do.

We all know how that turned out.

Also, if we stay broken and empty and our children see this, whilst we try to give them everything they need, then they will grow up not emulating what we want for them, but rather how we were to ourselves.

That’s what children do, take on the programs of how their parents modelled ‘self’ to them.

Okay so now that we have this clear, that we need to become a healthy model of self for self, others and all of Life, let’s look at the first delightful way we can do this.

 

#1 Say ‘No’ When Exhausted, and Replenish Yourself Instead

If we keep helping others when we are wrung out and exhausted ourselves, then we are in Wrong Town. Sometimes of course, when we have little children and we have no option, this is all a part of being a parent. What I am really talking about here is when other capable people ask for our help, and we fear saying ‘no’ to them.

We may be scared of losing their love or approval if we were to honour ourselves. Yet if we say ‘Yes’ when we don’t have the energy to comply, or it compromises our values and boundaries to do so, the energy will be murky. We could be resentful that they expect us ‘to drop everything for them’. We may lose valuable self-esteem and self-worth. We may be pissed because other people in the family or friendship circle won’t help and we are the one that gets lumbered with it.

If we are playing victim to all of this, we make out it is the other person’s lack of consideration that is causing our distress, yet truly it is our own poor boundary function.

There is a very essential truth about all of this – if you are okay with honouring your energy levels, other healthy people respect this too. They have other options. They don’t think badly of you. They know that being the generous person you are, that if you could assist you would.

The bottom line is when you have healed internally about this: you are not obsessing about whether or not they accept your ‘No’ because you know that honouring self is your number one priority, regardless.

If you get sorted in your inner beliefs and boundaries and know that you are not serving others in high and honourable ways, unless you are replenished – then you know if people don’t accept your ’no’, they should not be in your life.

What you will also discover is that when you do respect yourself, people respect you more too. If you are the always ‘giving person’ who bends over backward to give people assistance, you will discover that when it comes time for you to need help – no-one will be there for you.

Why not?

Because they are reflecting back to you how you are not there for yourself.

What is vitally important here is moving out of guilt to discover how easy and unselfish it is to be honest with people regarding whether you can help or not.

Those of you who are NARPers, if this is an area in your life you still struggle with, I suggest feeling into these beliefs:

  • People will only love me if I serve them.
  • If I say ‘no’ I will be punished.
  • I have to earn love and approval.
  • Other people’s needs and energy are more important than my own.
  • Other people don’t respect or support what I need.
  • I don’t deserve my own kindness and care.

If you feel any emotional charges in your body when you check inwards on these beliefs, then you would benefit greatly from clearing them out.

I recommend NARP Module 1 and the Source Healing and Resolution Module to do this effectively and powerfully. Then you will be-come that person who can say ‘no’ and honour you so much more easily.

 

#2 Ask For Help When Needed

I know this can be a tough one to tackle, and it may not feel ‘delightful’ at all. But please know ‘growth’ doesn’t come from not facing uncomfortable feelings.

Please know that asking for help and granting others the opportunity to supply it, is one of the most beautiful ways people can bond with you. It’s scientifically proven that the act of giving grants the giver oxytocin, which emotionally bonds them with feelings of love to the person they are giving to.

Many people don’t realise that if they are doing everything themselves, and they are not asking for what they need and allowing themselves to receive, then they are not generating deeper connections with others.

If you are the only one giving, it is usual for the person continually receiving to lose interest and start disconnecting from you.

Belief systems have a huge amount to do with being able to be a receiver. If you feel guilty about asking for what you need and terribly uncomfortable with receiving – which is very normal for people who have suffered narcissistic abuse – there is work to be done here!

Let’s look at the goal of where we want to get. It’s this: being able to ask clearly and confidently for assistance when needed – without being winey, passive-aggressive, trying to guilt others into it, or giving long-winded explanations about why we can’t do it ourselves.

All of this is a product of not believing we deserve help, and then we will see the results reflected back to us of exactly that!

I know with myself, this was huge (as were all my deservedness and boundary function issues!). Personally, I believe that if this is a struggle, there are some very important belief systems that we may need to look at and release and heal.

Here is my list for you to check out:

  • Everything is up to me.
  • I am unsupported by life and others.
  • My needs are invalidated and unimportant.
  • I am invisible.
  • If I let people do things for me, they will hold it over me, control me and hurt me.

Again Module 1 and the Source Healing and Resolution Module in NARP can powerfully release these beliefs for you – granting you the trajectory of life where you CAN ask for and receive support, as well as let people go who were a match for these previous painful beliefs.

 

#3 Do Nice Things for Yourself

Once upon a time, I used to feel bad for someone having to work too hard on me with a message, even though I was paying them for it! And I felt so guilty spending money on it that I couldn’t enjoy it anyway. In my mind, it felt like time wasted on myself, when I could have been doing something so much more productive.

If we are into being over-practical, incredibly responsible and frugal and self-denying – then it is extremely hard to do nice things for ourselves.

How many people work hard and are over practical all their life, and then it is too late to enjoy the fruits of their labours? Maybe they are too old, or they get sick, or even die before they do.

Many people who have security fears struggle to have holidays, or a new hairdo or a night out to dinner, or to buy some clothes or do something pampering for oneself.

I love it how people in the NARP community have granted themselves the most beautiful acts of self-giving, by doing things such as their own ring ceremony to affirm their love to themselves, or they buy themselves flowers on Valentine’s day.

I remember when I was coming out of my over-functioning, brutal workaholism and self-punishment that I would take myself out to dinner, to a yoga class, or a beautiful location for a holiday.

When financially recovering from narcissistic abuse, little joys and time spent with yourself don’t need to cost money. Time spent in nature is free and replenishing. We can do things like taking a picnic and a good book on the beach.

Or if staying indoors, turning on some music and dancing in your living room to it.

The ways to do nice things for ourselves are endless, and the more we clear trauma our of our Being, the more space we have within to start connecting to Lifeforce and the good stuff.

Even our healing time with ourselves is a special act of self-giving. I love making this time for me, by making myself a lovely cup of something, sitting on my couch and releasing dense energy and bringing more Light in. Or I do this when I am walking on the beach in the morning – and I always feel fantastic afterward.

What I love about treating self in healthy ways, is that this sets a precedent for being able to accept others giving to us as well. It also means that we will be generous with our giving to others.

Let’s look at some limiting beliefs that can block us doing nice things for ourselves.

  • It is wrong, selfish, ungodly etc. to do nice things for myself.
  • There are others who need so much more than me.
  • If I spend money on me, I will not have enough.
  • If I am not focused on the practical, something terrible could go wrong in my life.

Again NARPers you know what to do, to dig these beliefs out and start living your life free of them!

 

#4 Eat Healthy

With the number of toxins and chemicals that have infiltrated our food sources, it has become more necessary than ever that we choose whole and healthy foods.

Healthy fresh whole foods are delicious when a little care has gone into their preparation. Food education hasn’t been something the generation before us were focused on. Packaged convenience food were things that many of us were brought up on, to accept as okay in our diets, yet this isn’t healthy at all.

Food can harm or heal. Nonconscious food choices can create weight gain, diabetes, inflammation and organ, nervous system and brain damage. Healthy whole foods nourish our brain and body.

A very large part of our health, radiance, energy and wellbeing is about what we eat.

In the information age we live in, truly ignorance doesn’t cut it anymore – we can all google and learn about what is healthy and what isn’t.

By eating whole foods and eliminating sugar and preservatives as much as possible from your diet, you will reap the rewards of a healthy body and mind, as well as a glowing lifeforce within.

I truly believe healthy food is essential self-care.

Let’s look at some limiting beliefs that can prevent us from eating healthily

  • Healthy food is boring, unappetising and unpleasant.
  • I won’t enjoy myself if I can’t eat the foods I want.
  • I don’t deserve to nourish my being.
  • I will be rejected or ostracised by my family or peers if I eat healthily.
  • Sugar and bad foods fill my emptiness within.
  • I punish myself with bad food.

And of course, there may be others that are very specific to you.

Belief systems are such a big part of healthy food struggles, I really recommend doing the inner work to make this journey easier for yourself.

All you need to do is target the traumas with Module 1 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module that are generating your limiting food beliefs.

By clearing them, you will evolve beyond them and reset to your organic truth which is ‘health and wellbeing’.

 

#5 Move Your Body

Our Life-force when stagnant gets depressed, stuck and even toxic. Holistically and optimally we need to move our body every day. This is such an important part of our recovery, evolution and expansion to open up the cells in our Being, as we release trauma, so that Lifeforce and Wellbeing (Source) can enter us and move through us as us.

Exercise is a big part of this.

The benefits from exercise are so good – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Exercise is a very personal journey. I love walking, yoga and Pilates. it is a very rare day that I don’t do some form of exercise, even just a walk.

Let’s look at some limiting exercise beliefs

  • Exercising is unpleasant and boring.
  • I don’t have the energy or the motivation to exercise.
  • I don’t deserve to be healthy and fit.
  • What is the point? It’s going to be too hard and take too long to achieve the results I want.
  • If I open up to exercise, I will be unsafe, exposed and not able to contain my emotions.
  • I punish myself by not moving.

Naturally digging out our limiting beliefs can be very confronting, yet if we leave them there we have a constant battle with ourselves, where we can literally drive ourselves crazy and the guilt is horrific each time we default back to the limiting belief.

As Dr. Bruce Lipton explains, when the subconscious and the conscious mind go up against each other, the subconscious wins, hence why doing the reprogramming there is so much more effective.

With all of these five self-care delightful practices, a very powerful and easy way to get them online is to target the traumas in your Inner Being that are blocking you doing (whatever the self-care practice is) and one by one you can dig them all out and release so that you naturally flow forward into these desired practices.

Again Module 1 and the Source Healing and Resolution Module in NARP are very effective solutions for this – and all you have to do is follow the instructions in these healings.

This is what I love about our Thriver Journey, it is so much more than just escaping narcissistic abuse, it is REALLY about becoming our healthiest and most actualised self.

If these are areas of your life that you wish to heal and improve, I’d love to help you, from the inside out, achieve this. My entire system for recovery of ourselves is highly effective, and you can learn more about this in my free 16-day recovery course which you can access here.

And I’d love to hear your feedback regarding this episode. Did you relate to these five areas and the limiting beliefs? Do you want to see more videos about topics like these? Also, let me know what topics you would like me to cover regarding healing stuff apart from narcissistic abuse.

And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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41 Thoughts on 5 Delightful Ways To Do Self-Care Without Feeling Guilty
  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    June 14, 2019

    Thank you Melanie!!!

    Beautiful practices that are indicators of our self love…. Self love without which we remain liable to being dependent on someone else to come fix us.

    This self care is totally the place to focus our thought and efforts. How much do we care for ourselves? Let’s do these until we are truly celebrating life just because we are worth it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 14, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      It’s my pleasure.

      I love your very wise words.

      Spot on, and yes ‘Let’s do that!’

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • jmpellicane@gmail.com'
    Janeen Denny
    June 14, 2019

    Loved this video! I’d like to hear more on self-care! Ty Melanie for all that u do! Janeen

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 14, 2019

      Awww I’m so pleased you did Janeen, and I’d love to do much more on this topic!

      Bless!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • Batiky@rogers.com'
    Chrissy
    June 14, 2019

    Dear Melanie,
    I’ve been listening to and reading your words and need to thank you for them so very much.
    Over the years, I have leaned to be sceptical and distrustful of the motives that are often behind programs that pretend to help people, however in your case, I feel that you do truly care about us, the empaths and people pleasers. I’ve had a lousy childhood, like so many women had, particularly if they were born in Europe during WW2. We learned to put ourselves last and treat our men like gods. I’m 77 and have now learned that it’s never too late to develop a new perspective. I left my husband over 35 years ago and have met a few men after him. Even though I have looked after myself for all those years I still become subservient in every relationship. The last one, which I left for the 4th time only a month ago, was is a narcissist. I did not even know what that was until a friend suggested it after hearing of his behaviour. The bill certainly fits. Lovely at the beginning and over time everything was about him and he no longer tried to please and impress me. Eventually I felt unloved to a point that I walked away. During the first couple of weeks of no contact I was very tempted to run back to him, but I did not and it’s getting easier. I do feel lonely and even somewhat depressed, but I keep listening to you and you illuminate everything I go through, so I know that those feelings are normal after having had every free minute filled by him during the last 2 years.
    You sound wonderfully honest and have certainly the smarts, experience and empathy to be able to help loads of people.
    Bless you Melanie.
    P.S. I live in Canada and have been to Melbourne 9 times so far. My daughter married an Aussie and I am blessed with 2 gorgeous granddaughters.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 14, 2019

      Hi Chrissy,

      Thank you for your kind words and I’m so pleased that my resources resonate with you.

      I love that you are shifting your beliefs as a woman! Our True Self and lives await us at any age Chrissy.

      That you for being brave, so much so, to inspire others.

      That is beautiful that you have part Aussie grandchildren!

      Much love and many blessings to you Dear Lady

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    June 14, 2019

    Agree w/ exercise and all your choices. I teach Pilates and try to either walk or do yoga on the other days. Mediation outside is wonderful too. Thank you for this nice video. I need to do better at treating myself:)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 14, 2019

      Thank you for your comment Andrra and you are so welcome.

      It is so important to always keep reminding ourselves about self-care … agreed!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • Cristinazago@yshoo.co.uk'
        Cristina
        June 14, 2019

        Thank you for your so helpful and transformative resources. A real blessing to have encountered you and your work. With much gratitude, Cristina

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 15, 2019

          Awww Cristina,

          You are very welcome and I’m so pleased I could help

          Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • pjcolson@hotmail.com'
    Janny
    June 14, 2019

    Thank you so much Melanie for these 5 rules and all tour other work.
    I have a big problem with clutter in my home.
    The example of the airplane is a real good one.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Janny,

      You are very welcome

      Clutter is a fabulous focus for cleaning up and allowing new healthy energy in.

      Blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • pdwournell@yahoo.com'
    Pam
    June 14, 2019

    Melanie, thanks alot for a very inspiring video .This is indeed one of the toughest areas for me. Putting myself on the chart altogether 61 years old divorced for 13 years, children all adults and independent I’m left now to pick up the many pieces and figure myself out and determine what will be my next step. Close to retirement and not even sure what I like or would like to pursue after so many years of self sacrifice, caring, nurturing others fully believing and thinking that was the correct way to be. Here and there indulge myself still so minimally but always a twinge of the guilt and all the excuses you mentioned.Will have to apply your advice and purge them! All the best!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Pam,

      I am so pleased you are going to purge them, so that you can release yourself into the joy and beautiy of living.

      You wont know yourself and you so deserve this … We all do!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • Eesmith331@yahoo.com'
    Eileen Smith
    June 14, 2019

    Can you please do a talk on being “erased”
    I am trying so hard to remember me. I was happy before him. I liked myself. After five years of being married to a doctor of psychology… Yes you read that correctly. I’m invisible. I’ve seperated myself and just in time he had me convinced through his personal diagnosis (because he’s more intelligent than I) I needed to check myself in to get help and learn how to be a better wife and person. He almost convinced me I was a I’ll!! Thank God for my family because of I admitted myself he would get power off attorney and never let me out! My brother fought him over his “trying to help me and he should get power of attorney for my own good” Adderall he knows best and he’s so brilliant.
    Well it’s been a long six months. But there’s nothing out there about how to find me. How to stop being erased.
    I would love nothing more than to find my
    voice again. I’m starting with my brother who says over and over “I never knew that men could be so calculating and cruel” thank God for him.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Eileen,

      Please know Dear Lady that my entire healing system is about finding and bringing our True Sekf back to life after it has been decimated.

      I promise you the solution is there. I’d love you to check out my free inner transformational resources here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse which I know can help you so much.

      Sending love and healing to you,

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • Eesmith331@yahoo.com'
    Eileen Smith
    June 14, 2019

    Can you please do a talk on being “erased”
    I am trying so hard to remember me. I was happy before him. I liked myself. After five years of being married to a doctor of psychology… Yes you read that correctly. I’m invisible. I’ve seperated myself and just in time he had me convinced through his personal diagnosis (because he’s more intelligent than I) I needed to check myself in to get help and learn how to be a better wife and person. He almost convinced me I was a I’ll!! Thank God for my family because if I admitted myself because it was in my best ingest… Or his… he would get power of attorney and never let me out! My brother fought him over his “trying to help me and he should get power of attorney for my own good” it would be “temporary” Afterall he knows best and he’s so brilliant. My brother packed me up and carried me out of my house.
    Well it’s been a long six months. But there’s nothing out there about how to find me. How to stop being erased. He still contacts me all through email. Not even q phone call.
    I would love nothing more than to find my
    voice again. I’m staying with my brother who says over and over “I never knew that men could be so calculating and cruel” thank God for him.

  • Alice1denny@gmail.com'
    Anonymous
    June 14, 2019

    Hi Melanie! Your thriver modules are the best money I ever spent. Everything is summed up. I’ve healed enormous stuff, thank you! I’m looking outside narc abuse (which to me, the narc being the platform in to recovery) and trying to evolve traumas/ belief systems that block me from achieving certain things; I struggle with smoking/over eating and have tried to use it in the goal setting but I think I’m not putting the right goals in ie ‘I’d like to give up smoking’ rather than rid the underneath beliefs which cause me to smoke. I also have jealousy ocd within relationships (not narcissistic in nature but chronic insecurity and fear of other women and their sexuality). Any possible videos/ feedback on these please..? 😂🙏🏻😃🧐xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Anonymous,

      I am so pleased NARP has helped do much.

      The best way to release yourself from states and addictions is to ‘target the trauma generating the state / addiction’, and release and shift ‘that’.

      Then the state / addiction just melts away.

      Module 1 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module are the most powerful and fastest way to achieve that.

      Also please know you can come into the NARP forum where incredible support and working with you occurs, all as lifetime access with your Gold Membership.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps, and sending you wonderful breakthroughs

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • Laurievaldez1@yahoo.com'
    Laurie
    June 14, 2019

    Hi Melanie! Thank you for all you do! Can you please do in interview with Bruce Lipton or Joe Dispenza. I’m sure others would love that as well. It would be an honor. Please, if you can I would greatly appreciate that!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Laurie,

      I would totally love to.

      Thank you for your beautiful suggestion.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    Ocean Breeze
    June 15, 2019

    One of the most damaging ‘triggers” that my Narc parents used, was making me feel guilty for doing something nice for myself. Even today, after all my work with NARP, this hangs on still. Melanie, because you truly care for yourself now, people all around the world trust you to help them. I have been blessed and be one of these lucky people.
    Looks like it is time to do another module on getting over this guilt feeling. I did actually go ahead and start taking singing lessons. What a joy this has been. The trail to these lessons traces back to being a member of NARP. When the exact time to decide on this faced me……….I just dove in and was happy about it!! What a miracle. Thank you so much Melanie again.
    This video is sooooo goooooddddd!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Ocean Breeze,

      Oh gosh I agree, what role model would i be if i didn’t dedicate to living what I share!

      I’m so glad you loved this video, and that you know how to create even more breakthroughs than singing.

      It is your time to shine and glow Ocean Breeze

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • stuono@gmail.com'
    Stuart Dobner
    June 15, 2019

    Hi Melanie, great video…perfect timing too no less. I was only thinking yesterday how to best to perform self-care, as there seems to be some in the media regarding mindfulness, meditation and generally looking after yourself as selfish! From a personal point of view, what about a video or blog on positive thinking maybe? The old way seemed to be to always think positive and push away negative feelings, but it appears now that that’s not the healthy way to deal with your emotions. I was wondering what your take is on ‘positivity’ and ‘negative’ thoughts and feelings such as anger, frustration, annoyance…that sort of thing? Thanks so much for everything you’re doing, add me to the list of thousands of people you’re helping! Love Stuart x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Stuart,

      I so agree with you that true healthy self care awareness is important!

      I have created some resources regardsting Law of Attraction, if you google this and my name you will see it.

      Stuart I am so not a fan of pushing through negative feelings. It doesn’t work … and this is why my entire healing system NARP is about finding, releasing and living free of out traumas (which is signalled to us by negative emotions) so that we are NOT battling ourselves, life and others.

      As I say all the time ‘you cant park a Ferrari in the garage where a rusty old wreck is’.

      In narcissistic abuse our traumas are stored in our body and are in our limbic, nervous systems and deeply wedged in our subconscious survival programs. These affest 95% of our feelings, associated thoughts and complete model of the world.

      Our logical brain controls only 40 bits of information per second, up against these emotional systems which control 40 billion bits oer second.

      As Bruce Lipton says … if you try to put the conscious mind up against the subconscious mind it will lose every time.

      In fact, as myself and so many others discovered, not only does the logical mind have no ability to heal our emotional traumas, trying to use it to help us makes us feel even more crazy.

      The subconscious reinstates itself harder … wmand we feel like more of a failure etc.

      What is needed is a way to reach and release trauma from the internal systems where it resides and reprogram the subconscious into healthy states on that topic.

      THEN the brain follows. The ‘stinking thinking’ is gone … because there is no longer any internal trauma generating it.

      There actually is no other way to genuinely heal than this! The other way is a constant battle against our being!

      That exactly what NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/harp does – heal at your core – and why it saved and gave me my life (and continues to grant me Thriving to this day) and why it has been so successful for 10s of thousands of people in this community.

      Check it out Sturat.

      Super tools like this change everything about how we can change ourselves for the better.

      We cant ‘think’ our way out of trauma. We have to shift it out. When you start doing that you will wonder what on earth you did used to try to do!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • richard43@gmail.com'
    Richard
    June 15, 2019

    Hi Melanie, thank you for this episode, which I found to be exceptionally relevant to my former character as a “nice guy” who ended up not being nice at all, but too eager to please, too hungry for external approval, too afraid of others’ disapproval, and was always doing favours for others. So much so that my (then) girlfriend said to me once, “Please STOP doing me favours!” (I had put her on a pedestal and, as I read somewhere over this last year, when someone is on a pedestal, the only way they can look at you is down).

    Of course, the nice guy, the people-pleaser, the rescuer of the damsel in distress, ends up being passive-aggressive and resentful, precisely, as you wisely say, because he has neglected himself. Just as self-care is vital, so its opposite, self-neglect, is criminal and inconsiderate, because not only does it damage the person himself, it also ends up having an adverse effect on others, especially those who are close to him or in a relationship with him. And it’s also a turn-off, in the long run.

    Your first two points (being able to say “No” without guilt, and asking willingly for help) are crucial for any recovery from ‘nice guy’ syndrome. I would also say it’s important not to be secretive, to lean into the fears, to stop making excuses and rationalisations, to let go of the urge to control, and to act rather than talk. Easy to write, easy to say, so much harder to put into practice.

    Thank you for your words of wisdom!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Richard,

      I am so pleased this helped!

      Its fabulous you are so self honest and conscious is about your journey.

      Where it can be difficult is when powerful subconscious programs are holding you in the opposite direction.

      From childhood and even genetically and past lives (if your beliefs stretch there) we can have literal survival programs which mean ‘my inner being believes love or even survival, necessitates me doing this the usual way.’

      When those programs have a lot of trauma energy with them they cam be incredibly powerful

      If you cant logically rework this, then I hugely suggest NARP to blast them out – the limiting beliefs/ traumas (which are the real reasons) causing you to hand power away, one by one.

      NARP takes you straight to them, loads them up, releaes and reprograms them.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      In one, half an hour session you can achieve the equivalent of a life-time of therapy on the topic you are targeting.

      I am not exaggerating.

      Plus you have incredible quantum support with your membership from the best minds and practicers of quantum belief system reprogramming and trauma recovery who work with this tool every day http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      If you are a seeker and determined to be your best self to enjoy your best life – this is a powerful direct way to achieve it.

      At zero risk .. you can try and if it’s not for you . You have lost nothing to try NARP!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    • stuono@gmail.com'
      Stuart
      June 16, 2019

      Just read your message Richard, just wanted to say you could’ve been describing me perfectly. Good to know I’m not alone, brilliantly written too, thank you for YOUR words of wisdom! 🙂

      • richard43@gmail.com'
        Richard
        June 17, 2019

        Hi Stuart, I’m glad you liked what I wrote, it is the product of a complete upheaval in my life over the last 4 years, and a relationship which has produced trauma and some toxicity, as well as all the good loving and transcendence. In my opinion, neither of us in that relationship, fortunately, had/has full-blown NPD, just narcissistic traits (which everyone has to some degree) and which were triggered and accentuated by the attraction between our two types, which commonly cause this trauma – she the “anxious” one and I the “avoidant”. This is not the place to go into attachment theory, from where these terms are drawn (it is a massive field and very interesting and much documented). But I can see so clearly how there has been a push and pull between us, and how this at times brought out the worst in each other (i.e. the hurting and wounding of the other). To be honest, at the moment I feel sadness more than anything, and a lot of remorse for those parts of the trauma that are my responsibility. Just as the full-blown narcissist is put in our path to reveal the damaged and unhealed parts of us within, so too in a relationship of the sort I have had there has been an uncanny and devastating accuracy in the targeting of the mutual woundings – I think because our subconsciouses are effectively touching and battling each other at some deep, traumatised level.

        I think Melanie is right to say that the positivity thing does not work (it is the conscious brain engaged in an unequal and always losing struggle against our damaged subconscious). Mark Manson (author of “The Subtle Art of not giving a fuck”) says that ‘positive thinking’ is a crock of shit, and I tend to agree with him. The only way to get healthy and thriving is to heal that trauma within. And for that we really need to examine in the heart of our true selves, the core, and strip away all the personas overlaid on that core, such as the “nice guy” and the “glamour princess” (me ex is very beautiful and glamorous, and she makes sure everyone knows it). If you haven’t read Robert Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by the way, I strongly recommend it.

  • bbrendadrewdesigns@gmail.com'
    Brenda Drew
    June 15, 2019

    Thanks for the great tips, but I don’t get it entirely. I now understand most of the dynamics of the co-dependent/Narc abuse relationships having studied it for the past four years and having taken your webinars and other’s webinars and having read tons of books on it! While having survived from malignant Narc abuse not only by my own family of origin, from a couple of phony friends and my late husband of 42 years who was a real Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde malignant Narc sociopath like my late father, I’ve been doing lots of positive things for myself over my 70 years…I’ve eaten healthy for years, mostly organic now, have done yoga off and on since the early 1970s and meditated, buy myself flowers all the time, have enjoyed nature, worked out with weights and became a fitness trainer in the 1990s after being a professional fashion illustrator in NYC before I got married. I always went and got my hair done, bought nice clothes and have always cared about looking nice and fashionable although not a slave to fashion! Have taken classes like ballet, shaman classes, art classes etc. In other words, I wouldn’t entirely neglect myself. When I was married to my husband we always went out to dinner, even breakfasts/brunches and lunches and teas and went to spas for massages and I would get facials which i also did after he passed away. That was all part of his love bombing which he laid on thick! So while I realize that I may have not always taken care of myself emotionally, I always took care of myself physically and even then I ended up with a mild form of MS while raising my three daughters and partially raising my oldest granddaughter because we lost her mom to coma and brain injury several years ago. So go figure, you try to do everything right and that’s still no guarantee that you’re going to get it right. I feel I’ve come a long way in my healing due to therapy and Alanon over the past four years since my husband died and actually felt myself ascend! And put some of your suggestions to work but I’ve also suffered from CPTSD which isn’t so easy to overcome, ruminating is one of the major symptoms! So I’m surviving and thriving in my own unique way ,but it does take a lot time to heal and get everything in balance, physically, mentally/emotionally and spiritually…holistic health, which i’m a big believer in! As always, enjoy all your wonderful videos…peace, love and namaste~ Brenda

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Brenda,

      So many of us until finding the way to release trauma and painful subconscious programs found exactly the same struggle, with trying everything and anything to get well.

      Did you see my part 1 episode here?

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-proven-way-to-heal-toxic-relationship-trauma-part-one/

      Part 2 is coming out next week, and explains at deep real levels why it is so vital to heal directly in our core when we have had significant trauma.

      The ruminating is all a symptom of the brain following the body regarding trauma internally that still exists.

      I promise you with all of my heart that when we start loading up and releasing trauma, from within, the ruminating all melts away – we go free.

      Please also check put my responses to the gentlemen above … where I have written more about this.

      Self care really are beautiful supplements but they are not the inner transformational work.

      Have you joined my free inner transformational resources to understand this deeper? They are here:www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • jhf.ranch@gmail.com'
    Joe
    June 15, 2019

    Hello Malanie. I have been following and reading your articles. I feel like now I need to heal my inner trauma.
    If I have any. Would you please personally reply and help me to get through this? I would be forever grateful. Thank you, Joe

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Joe,

      Please read my replies above

      They are about exactly this topic!

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • jennyboak@uwclub.net'
    Jenny
    June 15, 2019

    At one time I could relate to all of them. The main one now is asking for help still feel ike i have to trade always fel other people are to busy. Also the bit about spending money on me. I am better at it and have done it a little bit more of late.

  • Irene.zalewski@icloud.com'
    Irene
    June 16, 2019

    Dearest Melanie

    Thank you once again for a perfect timing topic.
    You are brilliant at this.

    Having gone through a difficult week in terms of being manipulated on the outside by a totally unexpected source, my focus went to your self- love and self-worth videos.
    Having watched them several times and then this video came at the right time for me.

    You are right when you say its this part that has to be healed first and then we can go on to survival and security issues.
    This is my focus and I am working on your first 3 areas as this is at the core of my healing, these false beliefs.
    Yes I am doing that now.

    Thank you for your NARP3 and thank you for leading the way for me and so many others Melanie.

    Love Reena 💗 xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 17, 2019

      Irene we are so in synch!

      You are always doing such an amazing job.And I know Dear Lady that you have got this beautifully … just like you contunue to rise and evolve each time.

      So much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • Brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    June 17, 2019

    Hi Mel.

    Thanks for this video! Clinical massage therapist and healer here. I’ve been teaching this for years. Clients have no idea how much harder they make our jobs by resisting receiving. I’m also a raw vegan and at 52 I have more energy than therapists half my age. I don’t care about what anyone thinks about my lifestyle and amazingly enough all my meat eating friends are more supportive than other vegans. As a meditation teacher I came across those limiting beliefs years ago and was shocked to discover that I had those thoughts.

    Every word you speak is an indication of just how deep you’ve gone into your own subconscious and I feel blessed to be part of this.

    BTW…..I haven’t been here posting because I’ve been enjoying a wonderful life. I’m thriving and it’s way better than I could have imagined! Thank you for being a part of making that happen!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 17, 2019

      Hi Asha,

      How lovely to hear from you.

      I adore your energy too dear soul sister and how wonderful you’ve been too busy Thriving to pop in here much!

      Bless you and thank you for your post sweetheart.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • elegantkeys88@gmail.com'
    debbie
    June 17, 2019

    “From today forward, I matter to me.”
    Hello Melanie,
    This thriver episode was especially insightful to me. Thank you! As you said, it’s so difficult for us as ‘non-narcissists,’ to comprehend their way of thinking…
    My most recent narcissist actually said to me that he booted his girlfriend of 22 years out of the house only because he thought it was going to work out with me. (I think because I pinned him down, he blurted out the real truth.) But since I didn’t turn out to be what he thought I was going to be, ‘it should make sense’ that it is my fault that he is now back with her. Actually he never cut off ties with her – continued to pay her phone bill, let her have his vehicle, kept her belongings in his house. He continued to talk down about her to me. Yet, come to find out that he had continued a relationship with her the entire time he was pursuing me, ‘just in case.’ How disgusting! I only wish I had gone with my gut and not invested so much time in false communication. Very strange that I felt in my gut that he was a narcissist, but wanted to play it out to the end just to be sure and thought I was guarding my feelings, which I was but only to some degree. I guess what I’ve learned is that at the first sign of incoherence or the feeling that things just don’t jive… run!
    Thank you for your commitment to helping us break free from the need to become involved with these people.
    🙂 Debbie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 17, 2019

      Hi Debbie,

      You are very welcome.

      Awww I’m so pleased you are no longer in that dynamic… and you are right, to a narcissist that behaviour does make perfect sense.

      Sending you love and healing

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • elegantkeys88@gmail.com'
    debbie
    June 17, 2019

    This was supposed to be a comment about the lastest thriver episode… The Simple Reason Why Narcissists Have to Hurt You.
    I can only imagine how I placed it on the wrong page?! Ooops! Sorry!

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