Melanie Tonia Evans

The Simple Reason Why Narcissists Have To Hurt You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 61
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Narcissists hurt you… a LOT.

In ways that seem senseless, cruel, barbaric and insane.

Why do they ALL seem to do this without any sense of remorse for the damage they cause?

We know narcissists are self-absorbed and lack a conscience, but what is really going on for them to be able to do to people the things that they DO?

 

 

Video Transcript

From our human framework it seems atrocious, horrible and unthinkable that narcissists hurt people like they do.

In fact, this can be one of the most painful things to try to recover from – WHY do they do that?

So, in today’s TTV episode I want to help you understand why narcissists do what they do. Also, I want to explain how we can protect ourselves against this.

Before we get started, thank you to all the new and existing subscribers, and if you haven’t yet subscribed I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you give it a thumbs up.

Alright, let’s get going on today’s episode…

 

Hurt People Hurt People

You may have heard the expression ‘hurt people hurt people’ and think ‘that’s no excuse – there are people who are hurt who don’t treat people like that!’

I get that and I understand it. There are great people despite what happened to them, and there are people who are damaged and emotionally stunted, who do what they do. And they do this because of their model of the world, which they have established due to being traumatised.

There are two things I really do know, as a result of my own personal evolution. When I am in my most solid and whole place, even under stress, I am in the best possible position to treat others with kindness, love and respect, and…

When I am emotionally triggered and not well within, this is when I am the most likely to not be a particularly nice human being.

A person’s belief systems and emotional stability within, I believe, are the true gauge as to what they may or may not be capable of at their worst. Most of us can’t imagine being able to go to the pathological or malicious lengths that narcissists can. We simply aren’t capable of it.

However, when we were under siege in narcissistic relationships, and having our souls shredded, most of us said and did some things that we are certainly not proud of. It’s not just true that hurt people hurt people, it’s also very true that when you are around sick people, who are not taking any responsibility to face and heal their own inner demons, you don’t just hurt, you also get sick.

In regard to abusive people – I adore what Neale Donald Walsch says, ‘What is it within you that hurts so much that you need to hurt me?’

That question is the essence of what today’s discussion is really about.

 

A Narcissist’s Brutal Dumping

For those suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there is a very disordered, delicate emotional balancing act going on. The inner True Self is damaged and disowned and is constantly bubbling up to the surface with feelings of ‘I am defective. I don’t belong. People don’t accept me, aren’t to be trusted, and will hurt me if I don’t get one up over them.’

This creates a state of constant anxiety, hypervigilance and the activation of internal survival programs. Because the true Inner Self is too damaged to generate a solid and healthy ‘self-identity’, the False Self is constantly in need of hits of self-medication. This is to try to feed the narcissist with energy to offset the inner self-damnation that is always threatening to engulf him or her.

This is ‘narcissistic supply’, and the ego is very exacting about what the quality of this needs to be. It needs to provide ‘Look at me. I am significant’.

It is such a small window of ‘correct attention’ that if you don’t supply the feedback that provides the narcissists with ‘entitlement above all others’, as well as acclaim, praise, recognition and the fawning that the narcissist’s ego may demand, then you will be punished.

Because a narcissist is not taking responsibility to do what is necessary for emotional trauma recovery – turn inwards to heal their inner wounds causing their dysfunction – they truly believe that the triggers going off within them are your fault. You are an extension of their ego – a tool with which they self-medicate, to try to save themselves from their own inner annihilation.

If this isn’t done adequately – which of course is an impossible job – then the narcissist’s erupting inner wounds will be your fault. He or she will tear into you without conscience, with the full brunt of the anger and trauma that he or she is presently experiencing.

Letting off this spew of internal trauma onto you grants the narcissist some temporary relief. But, of course, because nothing is ever resolved internally the same trauma and behaviour keeps coming back.

There is another piece to this. The narcissist recruited you because he or she believed you were A-grade narcissistic supply. The narcissist’s False Self is childish and loves to indulge in fantasies. Something about you was so idealised and put onto a pedestal that the narcissist feels convinced that you being their drug will grant them the self-medication – the ego feed – to keep the inner demons at bay. Of course, when this started to wear off, as all mature relationships do in the real-life necessity of two people cooperating and doing a workable partnership together, the narcissist starts hating that you are not the durable, self-medication object that he or she assigned you as.

Then, inevitably, the narcissist will start devaluing you and blaming you. He or she will start sourcing newer, fresher ego supply elsewhere.

Naturally, at this point, you wonder where the ‘wonderful’, ‘adoring’ person went… That person wasn’t ever in love with you. He or she was merely getting off on the narcissistic supply that you were providing.

 

The Divorcing From Humanity Within the Narcissist

When we ask ourselves ‘How are people capable of that?’, what we need to understand is that their connection to humanity, internally, has been disowned.

Our Inner Being is our connection to everything – ourselves, Source/Life/God and others. I believe that this is the holy trinity; that it is essential for us to realise this if we are to be an integrated and holistically connected to The Field Being. It must all start through ‘Self’ first.

If we are divorced from Self, as narcissists are, having buried their True Selves deep within, then we are doing what everyone does… Only being capable of relationships at the level of relationship we have with Self. We all see in others what we see in Self. We love others at the level that we love ourselves.

How much self-rejection and self-abandonment is there within a narcissist who declares, ‘I will not be me. I need to be a fictitious character instead.’?

How do narcissists see others? As fake. As people who are also in it for themselves, who are ‘objects’ – just as the narcissist’s False Self is – trying to manipulate people to get a slice of the good stuff.

To the narcissist, you are an object who requires controlling in case you get control of him or her.

The narcissist has no comprehension of your soul, and realness and feelings, any more than they do of their own.

People believe that narcissists get malicious delight out of shredding people’s souls, but I don’t really believe this is the case. They punish you for not helping them feel better. They don’t really think that you are capable of such hurt, and this is because when hurting, they have very little awareness of any self-love, self-soothing or self-care for themselves. Narcissists have severely stunted, or non-existent, empathy.

They just try to get up and go again by grabbing the next hit of narcissistic supply, significance, or an addiction to self-medicate – anything they can get hold of.

Sentimentality and emotional hurt, compassion, sensitivity, and remorse are not emotions that narcissists can understand, let alone access. The truth is that narcissists have zero comprehension of what they have done to you, and firmly believe they are the victim that you have treated terribly.

 

The Dark Side of the False Self

When there is only a False Self, there is no True Self taken into account. Then there is no True Self recognition in others outside of oneself either.

The False Self is the only entity – and it is all about the False Self.

Nothing else.

This is why a narcissist doesn’t care about how it affects you when playing with you like a cat with a mouse. ‘I’ll throw you away, then I’ll reel you back in – because if I get your tears, apologies, attention, and even anger, it feeds my ego and makes me know that I am significant enough to affect another person in this way.’

You will be pathologically smeared to others because it’s great fodder to get sympathy off people. If you lose face with family, friends or colleagues, or lose your job over it, so be it.

The narcissist may be toggling you with other lovers or stealing your resources and contacts behind your back. According to the narcissist, this is all fair game.

This is the product of the dire ‘separation’ illusion of narcissism and the False Self – which is the most dangerous fracture in all of humanity – not realising that at the Quantum level everything and everyone is interconnected.

Look at what our world does, as per its arrogance with our entire eco systems. It’s the same thing. The ego believes that it is all that exists and there is nothing and nobody else who should be worthy of consideration – as long as the ego is fed.

This is an insatiable black hole, just like the literal one in space, which sucks neighbouring celestial bodies up whole and then keeps going – because it is never ‘filled up’. The truth is there is nothing there to fill.

The terrible fate for the narcissist is the same: I’m going to be alone, no matter what, because I destroy everyone I am with, and even if I don’t I can never connect to care for and love them anyway. They are simply an object to serve my False Self, which can never achieve wholeness and peace.

 

The Real Truth – You Don’t Matter – And You Need To

Of course, initially when we realise we don’t matter – and that we weren’t loved and the relationship we endured with this person was because of this – it can feel intensely personal. We are shocked when we are treated without consideration and discarded or replaced, or even maliciously abused.

The truth is we either outlived our usefulness or the narcissist is now trying to hurt us horribly to get reactions that make him or her still get narcissistic supply.

The real truth is we didn’t matter, because the narcissist is not ‘matter’. They are a False Self, that is not real. Nothing matters other than the False Self. He or she is not capable of internally mattering or recognising this mattering in others.

Now here is the clincher and our incredible soul lesson in this: we need to matter to ourselves, regardless of whether we matter to a specific other.

If you get this, really get this, I want you to write below: ‘From today forward I MATTER to ME!’

If we try to get ‘us’ from False Sources, that is from anyone who is not ‘us’, then we are in very hot water. Wrong Town, in fact. Where the people we cling to and get hurt by are the people who are really reflecting back to us our own inner disconnection, divorcing and lack of self-partnering.

I promise you with all my heart, when you let go of the narcissist and turn inwards to face and heal your wounds of not feeling like you matter between you and you, and Source/Life/God and others, then you will never accept a relationship like this again. Rather, you will generate real, healthy relationships with people who do have the resources to matter to themselves and recognise that others matter also. And you will easily let go of people who you realise just don’t have these resources.

I want you to understand the total truth that can help us wake up – we cling to people who hurt us when they are not providing us with what we haven’t yet healed.

So, as the full circle with this Thriver TV episode, which all of mine really are, this is not actually about the narcissist hurting you – this is a given, that’s just what narcissists do. This is REALLY about your turning away from them and turning inwards to heal you so that you can stop being stuck in this pattern of hurting yourself.

Do you realise that as much as the narcissist is punishing you for not granting the perfect, ever-constant, narcissistic supply, you are holding the narcissist responsible for not giving you healthy love and inner solidness and peace? The insanity has got to stop. The narcissist is not going to take self-responsibility, but you can.

Okay, so to start healing from this pain and madness I invite you to join me on my 16-day course, where you will get relief and clarity – and it’s all free.

Come with me by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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78 Thoughts on The Simple Reason Why Narcissists Have To Hurt You
  • Christianeherzog@hotmail.com'
    Christiane
    June 17, 2019

    From today forward: I matter to ME💕!!

    • Jbshimp65@gmail.com'
      Jan Shimp
      June 18, 2019

      From this day forward, I matter to me!!!!!

    • Liza.sencar@gmail.com'
      Liza
      July 3, 2019

      From today on i matter to me😍

  • acoppola808@gmail.com'
    Ali Bear
    June 17, 2019

    OK! I’ll start. From today onward, I MATTER TO ME.

    I said it. I mean it.

    Ali

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 17, 2019

      Awww that’s awesome Ali!

      Bless!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • Bdw17@sbcglobal.net'
        Brian
        November 5, 2019

        Yes, I’ll add mine: I matter to me!

  • mebefox1627@gmail.com'
    Connie
    June 17, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    From today forward I MATTER to ME!
    In the past few weeks, your Thriver episodes have made so much sense to me. For the past two years I have been unable to accept seeing my ex-narcissist for who he was, or should I say, wasn’t. I have really worked hard on listening and working with my NARP modules and listening to the Thriver episodes.
    I couldn’t understand why someone would stay married/together for 30+ years. Could someone truly be that “false”? I didn’t want to accept it. I grew up with him (16-49) and spent my life (I’m 52) apologizing, laughing it off, defending him, feeling like I was going crazy and thousands of tears. It all makes sense now. And yes, he was wore that false mask. I was just too in love and trusting to see or admit it. I felt this way even before we were married. It never made sense, the nasty comments, the shaming and put-downs in front of people and the feeling of worthlessness. Then I would get the “I love you” and all would be good for a while and the hope was alive again. I started to believe what he was saying was who I was, but then the inner me would say “no he’s wrong”. It’s been a battle in my head all these years. A battle I’m trying to fix. Everything you’ve ever said is who he truly is. I’m glad I’m not crazy. Not only did he fool me but so many others. Some have admitted they see him for who he is. Narcissism is something that most people don’t understand, nor can you try to explain or make them understand. It’s just a “mean” word unless you’ve lived it. Sometimes that can be frustrating and can add to the loneliness. I’m learning that is when I definitely need to jump on to NARP. Three months ago I finally went complete no contact. That not only included him, but my two sister-in-laws (whom I considered some of my best friends) and my father-in-law (who was more of a dad to me than my own.) I felt I needed to keep in contact or at least keep his number because of my kids. My kids are 19 and 24. . . there is no reason to keep his number.
    This is the best I’ve felt in years. It’s taken two years of confusion, pain and acceptance of him as well as learning about myself. I know I still have a ways to go, but I am working hard to understanding my inner-self and why I allowed this for so very many years. I know I was afraid not to be loved and I never wanted to be abandoned. Once I had my children, that feeling was stronger. I see that now.
    My son plays college football and has his first game the end of August. I’m sure my ex and his latest “soul mate” will be there.(There’s been a few since his discard) I hope that doing this hard work on myself and maybe some thriver member help the closer it gets, I’ll be just fine. Actually, I’m shooting for “I’ll be great, because I matter to me!!!!”
    Anyways, I wanted to say thank you. . .again.
    Love, Connie

    • perelabramson1@gmail.com'
      Patty
      June 17, 2019

      Amazing!! I am so proud of you! I know the confusion first hand. I am technically still ‘married’ to my covert narcissist for 31 years. I moved everything that belongs to him out of my bedroom 2 1/2 years ago. I have raised 9 children (oldest is 30 and married healthy with 4 children and my youngest is 7). I married off 5 children so far. My financial situation is keeping stuck temporarily. But the fog is lifted and the sun shines through!!!!

      • mebefox1627@gmail.com'
        Connie
        June 18, 2019

        Hi Patty,
        YOUR AMAZING!! First and foremost, nine children? You are a saint!
        I think we hold on because of who we are, not who they are. We believe in seeing the good in people even through the “fog”. That is how I felt. I believed more in the good and pushed aside the bad because I just knew that someday “good over comes evil”. Right??? I was so afraid to leave because I didn’t want to be alone, I loved him (I loved who I THOUGHT he was), I didn’t want to break my family and only his opinion mattered (good or bad). I was a stay at home mom all those years (loved every second) and never went to college. We were together since high school.
        I stayed not only to prove myself right but I had a good financial life and didn’t know how I could “make it” on my own. After he left (came back, left, came back and finally left for good-after a 6 month process), I filed. We were even going to a marriage counselor at the time. That was strange in itself. He cried (a very rare occurrence), brought up things I tried to talk about for years and made it sound like I was a crazed person. The therapist actually said that my account of these situations “weren’t relevant”. She, too, was sucked in to the charm. I was scared, heartbroken, beyond confused, felt worthless and felt as though I was living in a thicker fog.
        Long story short, I’m on my own, going to college to get my degree to become a pre-school/kindergarten teacher…at 52! My financial status is much different, but I’m doing it. My kids are amazing and have been nothing but gracious and loving. It has been a struggle, I won’t lie, but you can do it. Finding NARP and Melanie has helped me more than a life coach of 7 years (no contact now either).
        I wish you nothing but true strength, sunshine and belief in yourself. We are the good, the strong and we need too help ourselves first and foremost. With Melanie’s help….I KNOW IT CAN BE DONE. We do matter! YOU matter!

        • perelabramson1@gmail.com'
          Patty
          June 18, 2019

          Thanks Connie for your encouraging words. I am on a journey to freedom! I am standing strong and getting better with self-care. I pay tuition for my youngest 2 (16 and 7). I work full-time at minimum wage. I made 2 weddings this past year with money I got and kept in a separate account that the narc couldn’t touch. He has told the children that I stole his money. 100 percent mine! I buy all clothing and shoes and glasses… that the children need. He doesn’t even buy toothpaste for the family. I live with shut off notifications every month for the utilities… I take one day at a time. I have terrific children and get much joy from them and the 9 grandchildren so far😃

        • diahns@yahoo.com'
          Momma Di
          June 18, 2019

          Your experience with your marital therapist is similar to mine.

    • karenoswego1@gmail.com'
      Karen B
      June 18, 2019

      Umm…excuse me…but did I write this? Is this MY life??

      Because, word for word, it is Identical to my situation!!! WOW.

      However, I am still in contact and struggle to break free….it’s a small town here, and our circles sometimes intertwine, and we have 2 kids (19 and 17) and I am currently having to take him to court for monies owed to me per our divorce agreement.
      It has been a true whirlwind…and I do not know HOW to break free completely…or how to get a hold of myself for proper clarity and moving on. I am scared and feel completely unworthy…as seemingly evidenced by the crappy “dates” I have went on that seem to go no further… I fear that all of the things he spewed at me over the years are right! But, nonetheless, I keep plugging away.

      I am glad you are doing great. Keep up the good work! I hope to do the same!

      Stay in touch, if you’d like!

      • dawnhatchard@hotmail.com'
        Dawn
        June 27, 2019

        I am still stuck also…And I am so sick of of being sick over it.

      • jaynelh59@bigpond.com'
        JAYNE
        September 14, 2019

        I also have 2 kids in a small town and struggle and I know finding clarity is so hard but just reading what Melanie said makes me want to cry with JOY, that is from” today on, ” I matter”. that’s what I couldn’t find all this time and the yrs wasted not really realising it all. No all that was spewed out to you is all about Them , not you!. But somewhere in them saying what they say we can be vulnerable of one or two of those things they say like most of us have our own small things we don’t like about one-self and in saying that it makes us realize they have NO RIGHT TO JUDGE US, but realize its all about them always will be and they will never have any humanity ever they pretend always and all the yrs you had with them they studied your weaknesses, in which we all have and that’s were they will play u and add there own on to you. Its like your in constant self doubt and anxiety but they are draining your humanness out of you energy, No one should ever ever have to live like that. They are the norm where you might have a disagreement and some choice words are said, they constantly will not stop. So from now on You Matter and always will this will help you in all your relationships and help yr kids in the future. Just show no emotion to him ever its your life and Birthright to live and love yourself and life as you wish on yr terms and not his or anyones. Just keep loving yourself and kids it will work out its yr right to be yourself and love life its your RIGHT TOO. Melanie also mentioned from now on don’t take it PERSONALLY what he says remember that’s how he feels about himself and he wants a reaction just be a poker face and say nothing. Hope all gets better from this day forward, if you slip get right back up it will be alright believe that. I have missed out on so much and he has taken much from me which is unhuman. Don’t u let him anymore u are beautiful and loving u deserve LOVE.

        • soniajgale@yahoo.com'
          Sonia Gale
          November 20, 2019

          Can you tell me Mel if you have heard of ‘Mother Revenge’ in narcissists? I’ve read somewhere that a narcissists anger towards a parent who wounded them can be taken out on an unsuspecting victim. I ask because my ex-narc (who I am now completely No Contact with) had huge anger against his mum but it was always me who seemed to take the brunt of it. I would be very interested to hear your views. BTW I love your Narp modules, I signed up and finally, after over 11 years managed to go No Contact and stick to it!

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            November 20, 2019

            Hi Sonia,

            with all narcissists, hun, they are trying to fight back against the wounds of their childhood. In fact for everyone who has unmet unfinished childhood business, this to varying degrees is the unconscious results.

            Definitely with male narcissists, who have experienced a narcissistic mother, this can be a very big thing.

            It’s great that you’re working with NARP and am so pleased that it has helped you and that you have gone no contact.

            Sending you continued blessings and breakthroughs.

            Mel🙏💕💛

    • pkpowi@gmail.com'
      Pamela Parrish Wilken
      June 19, 2019

      Oh my, Connie, we are the same age, with the same story. I have been awakening to full spectrum of the narcissist/codependent truth of my 25 year old relationship for about 2-1/2 yrs now…divorce should be final this August. My kids are a bit younger; still in high school. Things are getting better inside, but I am not yet out of this house, and still have a long ways to go to financial independence, it feels. I am better, but not out of the woods. All of my best to you. All of my best. Keep going. I will, too.

      Love to you,
      PamPW

  • nancylittleford@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    June 17, 2019

    I am 62 years old and married for two years to a 56 year old raging narcissistic alcoholic. His drinking did not begin until 6 months ago (in our marriage), although I knew he was in recovery before meeting me. I want out. How can I make Him think it is his idea to end the marriage?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 17, 2019

      Hi Catherine,

      The real truth is we cant make narcissists do anything, and the more we want that the less it happens.

      This trip with them is so about taking back our power and standing in our truth and generating that, regardless of what anyone else thinks or does in response to that.

      This is about your freedom into your soul and life independence. There is no other way to have your life that isn’t controlled and abused by others.

      Sending you strength and truth

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    • sabine.gressler@aon.at'
      Sabine
      June 17, 2019

      Probably by withdrawing from him completely. Giving him no supply whatsoever. But in this case you might get punished. It’s dangerous. I think it’s better to plan leaving him secretely and quietly. Get your things sorted out! Your finances, find a place to stay. Then leave without letting him know. His rage will come! Prepare for that! Get legal advice!
      Mine is a drunk too. They are unpredictable. Wish you the best! Take care and get out.

      • Leighpolo1@gmail.com'
        Leigh
        July 23, 2019

        I have never felt so compelled to write as I do to further comment on what Sabine said. I have relied on Mel throughout my past three years of getting away from my narcissist husband of 26 years. As little contact as possible, no supply. I still have a 14 yr. old daughter with whom we share custody so I have to deal with him. I do so only by text. Thank youMel for your guidance.

  • bhoomikajain166@gmail.com'
    bhoomika
    June 17, 2019

    Hi Melainie!

    I connect with every bit of illumination that you have elaborated! its so profound at the level that you have delved and brought it out to unfurl for those of us who’ve been dealing with endless years of the addictive abuse. i am still living under the same roof with my narc so-called-husband for i have as good as been trapped, as he has brain washed the most dominant of my family members to his innocence and stainless-ness, to the point that i have nearly gone no contact with my own father, apart from him(my spouse) while living under the same roof( ironically enough) . I am trying to work hard and focused upon building myself to financial independence so i am not dependent upon anybody’s support even from my own family to stand by me when i can take this step of walking completely out. In-spite of filing a divorce that i did, which he played the facade of allowing on mutual grounds, he played a brilliant inning at getting me enmeshed into his spider like web from which i haven’t now dared to step out unless i am independent.

    so i am taking one day at a time, nearly having walked out of the looming ominous dense shadows of his abusive dominance, into discovering and reinforcing self love and acceptance while consciously keeping his presence at bay, something that has been an uphill task, considering some of us were victims to the of psychology of a co-dependency that like a termite cankered our consciousness’ growth. But i know the time to make a new beginning seems to have arrived, since the time of this mystery of NPD began unfurling!

    loved every bit of this talk of yours Melainie !! thanks so much for your wisdom…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 17, 2019

      Hi Bhoomika,

      I’m so glad this made sense and helps strength your power and purpose.

      It will be your time Dear Lady absolutely.

      You are on your way to freedom.

      Love and blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • Simone@boehning.net'
    Simone
    June 17, 2019

    Dear Melanie,

    wow, what a wonderful explanation. I have been asking myself over and over again, why narcissists enjoy hurting the poeple they are supposed to love and care for (their children). I grew up with a covert narcissist (my father). He would always claim that he loves his children and he still doesn’t know and understand how much he actually hurt me. I had to survive in the family I grew up in and was in survival mode for 40 years. I’m now on my healing journey and I know he is unable to heal, because he is disconnected from his true self.

    From today forward I MATTER TO ME!

    Love,
    Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 17, 2019

      Hi Simone,

      I’m so pleased that has granted you clarity and that you have had a wonderful shift!

      Sending you blessings and breakthroughs.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • jenifer@toast.net'
    Jenifer
    June 17, 2019

    I MATTER TO ME. And that’s where it all starts!

  • jennyboak@uwclub.net'
    Jenny
    June 17, 2019

    From today forward I MATTER TO ME ! XX

  • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
    Sammy
    June 17, 2019

    WOW! What an incredible Thriver TV episode Mel. I especially love the bit about MATTER. From now on I matter to matter me. Even though I have been with this work for a while now and already feel like a different person, I am still learning and getting so much self understanding and healing from your work Mel. Thank you so so much. I am now working through the Self Empowered Course and loving that too. Life feels very exciting right now and things still going great with my new job.

    Love you Mel, keep them coming.

    XXXX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 17, 2019

      Awww Sammy,

      So glad this resonated with you my Quantum sister!

      I’m so pleased you are doing so well. You are such an inspiration to many darling lady.

      Love you heaps too

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • jaquelinew@hotmail.it'
    Jacqueline Wareing
    June 17, 2019

    From today forward I MATTER TO ME!!

    Blessings to You Melanie and to all my peer thrivers.. with love xx

  • hilarypaley16@gmail.com'
    Hilary
    June 17, 2019

    This episode really hit home. I have to matter to me. I have to provide what I need emotionally. From today, I matter to me.
    Thanks Mel. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 18, 2019

      Hi Hilary,

      I’m so pleased this resonated deeply with you.

      Many blessings and much love to you

      Mel 💕♥️💕

  • Jenifermoon@hotmail.com'
    Jen
    June 17, 2019

    I love this line…..
    🤗😁
    The real truth is we didn’t matter, because the narcissist is not ‘matter’. They are a False Self, that is not real.

  • magnolirl@eircom.net'
    Margaret ireland
    June 17, 2019

    I matter to me. I am finally realizing it

  • sthontwa@gmail.com'
    TS
    June 17, 2019

    I MATTER TO ME. I have won this by winning myself back, healing myself and returning to love with myself. And without effort he has fallen apart, and continues to do so.
    To anyone struggling at the moment, hang in there. Look at you and only you. Save you , see yourself clearly and heal you. Once you do that, the rest is resolved.
    Blessed be the day i came across Melanie on Youtube. It was a year ago and my life has been healed.
    Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you !
    I do not have the exact words to express my gratitude 🙂 . I roam free, light and so in love with life. Actually, i am even grateful that these horrific experiences served to take me to where i am today. How else was i going to heal ? Now, i really am convinced that the greatest the pain, the even greater the reward, freedom, joy that awaits you on the other side if you are willing to lay yourself down and heal yourself.
    I am dancing with joy ! I bless everyone here and wish you clarity and comfort on your recovery. You can do it. Nothing is lost. Life is blessing you even more. If i told you my story, you would believe it. If i tell you about my healing and the freedom and joy of life i am experiencing now, you would believe it too.
    THANK YOU ! Oh , i am soooo grateful ! There is hope. Please, know that nothing is lost. Restauration awaits you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 18, 2019

      Gosh TS,

      It is so true, when we focus on us and healing us and nothing else- it all falls into place.

      You have expressed all of this so perfectly.

      Thank you for your inspirational post to help others

      I am so happy for your happiness!

      Continued blessings and breakthroughs to you

      Mel 💕♥️💕

  • Mal_Ols@hotmail.com'
    Malin
    June 17, 2019

    From today forward I MATTER to ME! 💜

    Thank you! 💜

  • maklahn@aol.com'
    Lynn
    June 17, 2019

    From today forward I MATTTER TO ME!

  • LinnieLoo55@gmail.com'
    Linda
    June 17, 2019

    I allowed to many of these so-called human beings into my life. It has changed me into a person I no longer recognize. I’m 63 years old and worked on self from my past experiences for years that I didn’t think I needed to do this any longer. In fact, I have no desire to. I wish the young ones here much love, health, and happiness. If what you believe is too good to be true, it’s not. Run because no matter how much you care or love them, nothing you do will change them. Ask yourself, do you want to waste your life on a person like that. Someone that lies, cheats, or whatever. Someone that you’re always wondering about. Listening to them lie, know they’re lying? Know they’re cheating? Or waiting for the next punch in the gut. I didn’t think about life is way too short but if I had, I wouldn’t have wasted a minute on any human being like that.

  • roadsidecollider@gmail.com'
    Zaphod
    June 17, 2019

    I matter. For me, it is a case of being filmed and now all the “minions” who “monitor” my comings and goings and the law protects them. So, I have no privacy. What does one do with the minions????I am totally shocked by the effect one man has on others in this city and his ability to manipulate and destroy. Smear campaigns are ugly. I am not.

  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    June 18, 2019

    What really hurt us and will continue to hurt us unless we correct OURSELVES… is the BELIEF that we can OUTSOURCE self validation.

    The world firmly projects the BELIEF that we do not matter unless someone else validates us, sees us, recognises us and affirms our WORTH and IDENTITY. Hence social media.

    But this reasoning is like thinking that we can ask someone else to exercise and we get the sculped body. Or that someone else can study the material and somehow we get smarter. We can not hire someone else to LOVE and VALIDATE us. Period.

    Isn’t that what we were doing? Trying to pay someone to validate us?

    Self LOVE is an understanding of TRUTH within.

    Just because some one else has eaten, that does not make US full. We have to prepare and eat our own food. We have to understand our WORTH or we will never feel it even if it smacks us in the face. Even when people DO recognize us,. We still need to FEEL it within.

    I know in my case I was very attracted to his seeming sense of solid self confidence. He seemed so sure of himself that it took a long time
    (six months) to figure out that so much of what he projected did not really add up.

    It was not self confidence, it was fabrication.

    But that was MY problem. I had felt that I was special because this gorgeous, “successful”, and super confident man had ” picked ” me. He represented society to me finally recognizing that a divorced, single mother is not at the bottom of the social totem pole.

    I had already raised two beautiful, successful daughters on my own and have a fantastic life without even looking at a man for over 26 years. I did not know that I had actually put my self on hold until the NARC made it clear that I did expect recognition for the awesome job I was doing in life.

    He couldn’t deny or make me believe I was not awesome. The only thing he could do was refuse to acknowledge me and then go on to praise the new girl he acquired when nothing else worked to destroy my joy. That did hurt.

    But the way to freedom had nothing to do with this person -whom I just met two years ago- seeing me.

    Freedom from seeking external validation is to break up with the world BELIEF that OTHER people VALIDATE us. It is not possible.

    We can not wait until someone gives us permission to exist or breathe to LOVE OURSELVES.

    It is not the NARC we have to quit. It is the false BELIEF that anyone but OURSELVES can possibly accurately measure OUR worth. The NARC was just a catalyst.

    I went to the bottom of the pain and found that deep within I TRULY AM WORTHY, GRATEFUL and FULL OF INFINITE LOVE. And now I am purging the final vestiges of pain from a world that does not honor goodness but rather lies. It is their false god. The real LIFE is full of real LOVE.

    It s not just one NARC. It is a global delusion that stuff matters more than kindness.

    I thank God and completely forgive the NARC and refuse to have my light or LOVE put out by falsehood. I most certainly will continue to Live and LOVE All MANKIND.

    Actually, God is doing an excellent job getting me to mySelf. LIFE is about UNIVERSAL LOVE.

    GOD WINS EVERY TIME.

    Nothing lost here. Everything gained. For everyone.

    • Kristinahund@gmail.com'
      Kristina
      November 22, 2019

      From this Day Forward. I Matter to Me! 🥰

  • Kim@terrawestern.com'
    Dreama1
    June 18, 2019

    From today forward, I matter to me❤️😀🙏

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    Ocean Breeze
    June 18, 2019

    The scope of narcissistic abuse continues to stagger my mind. Thanks to NARP and quantum healing Melanie, you have given us the protection from the next stealth attack. Even though we have escaped trauma, the next predator is waiting right around the corner. This happened to me when I moved in with a new roommate. I unwittingly was targeted as a source of supply for this person. Having spent a lot of time on something that would fill her “supply”, I went through the happiness stage for a period of time. Once this wore off, this person started to attack me and try to demean me.
    This time, I was not fooled and see what is going down. First of al, I set upl boundaries and now I am deciding on when to leave. A Narc will not crush me again. Unfortunatly they are out there.
    The predictable “narcissistic rage” period has started. Bad mouthing me, and the demeaning comments and giving this roommate a high of feeling good for a period of time. The majority of it bounces right off and I just walk away. This person will have to find another source of supply.
    Melanie, I finally bought your book and just love it!!! Thank you for doing this. It is great to take it along with me wherever I go.
    You have opened my eyes so much, that now I can even spot someone who is being abused by a NARC!!! This is totally wild. Lately, I sent a person being abused by elderly parents directly to you Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 18, 2019

      Hi Ocean Breeze,

      I really want to help you out here, by bringing in the deep understand of being the generative source of our own experience.

      It’s the trauma and beliefs inside regarding ‘the next stealth attack’ that allow this as a continued pattern.

      Truly, when you totally own and grab hold of ‘these are still coming as per my subconscious brief systems which play out to the letter’ then you know what to do … diligently face and heal these beliefs . That narcissists exist and are everywhere …and …

      Then be thrilled and I mean thrilled about another n showing up in your experience who you totally don’t get triggered by, lay boundaries and stay on course of your life regardless of what they do or dont do.

      Then you will have graduated. Then they will leave your experience, and the entire pattern will too.

      This is truly what is meant by taking your power back and evolving beyond who we were Being. You are soooo close to this, it’s just a little shift in perspective!

      I hope this makes sense and helps. You are so so ready to take this next step uowards, because you are already doing such an amazing job.

      I’m so glad you love my book, and thank you for recommending other people in need to my work.

      Much love O B to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
        Ocean Breeze
        June 19, 2019

        Hi Melanie,
        Your words perfectly fill that blank space that needed an answer. The “loving-kindness” that you pass on is a positive signal to keep moving forward.
        Your book has filled in another blank as well and I understand where you are coming from even more than before.
        The fog has lifted, thanks to you. Just like in your book, how it just came to you, I feel that now as well. Just like playing an instrument , you practice and nothing seems to happen……..then all of the sudden it comes to you.
        For this to happen takes a great teacher and mentor. I along with countless others are blessed and so fortunate to have you, someone we can trust and look up too.
        The answers and path that I need to take has been set out before me now. The goal is now within sight.
        Much love to you Melanie
        WJB
        Ocean Breeze

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 19, 2019

          So many blessings to you WJB

          And thank you for being a fellow traveller on this amazing path.

          Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • jmdfern@yahoo.com'
    JeanneM
    June 18, 2019

    From this day forward I matter and will self validate my own worth.

  • mollie.whitson@yahoo.com'
    Mollie
    June 18, 2019

    Oh My God! Finaly I get why my husband of 22 years did the 360 on me as soon as I signed the “paper” I could not understand what had happened to the man I fell in love with and who was this stranger.I now also see My mother and sisters and understand why they do what they do and I never could understand why I never fit in.(it was a blessing I didnt fit in)And I also now see my oldest son is probly too far gone because he went to live with his father and his father is the worse of the worse and now my son is just like him…saddddd!all the abuse all the worries all the tears all the pain feeling alone when all I wanted was love ,peace.and a close family and NEVER got it to this day this madddens me because of these shallow people always pointing a finger at me and making me think what ever problem at hand was allllllways my fault or it was just simply me.Time to suck it up butter cup and except responsibility for myself and myself alone and let these people go to hell..their problems are NOT mine!I have to this day always said I LOVE ME weather you do or not and I still do :)Thanks Mel I owe you big time for explaining this to me in a way where I GOT IT

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 18, 2019

      Awww Mollie,

      I’m so pleased you got it!

      Sending blessings and healing to you. It’s your time Mollie.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • jhf.ranch@gmail.com'
    Joe
    June 18, 2019

    Hello Melanie. I liked this video very much. It really did shed some light for me to understand how the narcissist thinks and values others. Would you please respond to me and help me heal my own inner trauma so I can effectively deal with my son who is a narcissist. I have spent my adult life being abused.Please help. Thank you, Joe

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 18, 2019

      Hi Jo,

      I am glad this information has helped you.

      Jo with a community of over 100k I work very hard in the healing containers that MTE has, but cant contact people personally – unless they are personal clients.

      Please find your first step to start healing in this wonderful community with my resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending strength and healing to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    Julia
    June 18, 2019

    From today forward I Matter to Me!

  • josoveranes@gmail.com'
    Jo
    June 18, 2019

    From today forward…..I MATTER TO ME!!!!

  • jaquelinew@hotmail.it'
    Jacqueline Wareing
    June 18, 2019

    From today forward….I MATTER TO ME !!!

  • Findthecause@hotmail.co.uk'
    Clare
    June 18, 2019

    Do narcissists want babies to give them guaranteed narc supply? The one in our family was desperate to get pregnant and did so using a guy she hardly knew and who she never bothered to tell until 2 mths before birth. She has been totally possessive of baby since birth and limits contact with rest of her family. The father has been totally excluded and we imagine shocked before being dumped. Her prior behaviour was typically narcissistic.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 18, 2019

      Hi Clare,

      The bottom line is ns use people to get what they want from them.

      She obviously wanted, for whatever reasons only known to her, her own baby.

      Who knows what their reasons are?

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • ingodspeed@gmail.com'
    Christine
    June 18, 2019

    Mel, You are a wonderful healer and minister and I love the results I get just from listening

  • Ahelm19844032@gmail.com'
    Audrey Helm
    June 18, 2019

    I Matter to Me !

  • fiona.lise@icloud.com'
    Iam hiding
    June 18, 2019

    Hi Melanie I’m loving the course. I have been doing daily healings for around two months and it’s already showing excellent results and when I started I was skeptical. I’m still a bit on edge waiting for it all to start up again. What I was wondering about though was am I experiencing a side effect? I have found some people around me changing in behaviour and some suddenly disappeared. I would love to hear your advice on losing “friends” suddenly in the process. Is it what I suspect?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 19, 2019

      Hi Iam,

      What is so important in our relationships is for us to be honest, confront lovingly and have the difficult conversations.

      Then you will see who will join you in evolutionary relationship and who you are supposed to let go of.

      Them of course shift anything out that is triggered painfully within.

      It’s all on schedule and perfect for you!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • claudiabuchweitz24@gmail.com'
    Claudia
    June 19, 2019

    From today forward, I matter to me!

  • garner.carla2010@gmail.com'
    Carla
    June 19, 2019

    From this day forward – I matter to me!
    And I will be responsible for my own validation.
    Because I am a child of God and that is all that is required.

  • mcginnisjdm@gmail.com'
    James D McGinnis
    June 19, 2019

    From this day forward, I matter to me.

  • sandraherdt1@yahoo.com'
    Sandra
    June 20, 2019

    The changes I’m experiencing are resonating through every relationship and interaction in my life. So grateful for this new way of being! Keep up the great work, Mel! I appreciate you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2019

      That is so awesome Sandra,

      I am really happy for you.

      It’s true that when we shift everything shifts!

      Sending you continued breakthroughs and blessings

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • christinerussett175@gmail.com'
    Christine - Chrissy NARP Gold Member - Southern U.K
    June 20, 2019

    Hi Mel, MTE Moderators, Survivors & Thrivers, From today and onwards I matter!! Very good thing to say. It’s been months and months since I was last on here that’s because my N came back into my life last year 2018 and since from then I have emotionally, mentally and psychologically come undone that’s because I have learnt that my freemasonic family had put me into government and spiritual gangstalking programs since I came into conception in my mother’s womb, since the day I was born and all throughout my 34 years that I’ve been alive. I am a T.I – a targeted individual, I am targeted. I am also an E.I – an empowered individual. I’ve had narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocial personality disordered people, a satanist, emotional vampires, psychic vampires, histrionic personality disordered people, witches, warlocks, a paranoid schizophrenic person and controversial people all come into my life to annihilate me and destroy my life. The government and spiritual gangstalking programs are a part of the world human depopulation agenda which is a part of the new world order the nwo and that is run by the world’s secret societies the few who control the many. My life and my health has been a mess for over 2 months now earlier in 2019 I was put into a psychiatric hospital I was there for about a week or just over a week because I was watching videos on spiritual, supernatural, religious, universe, etc…, stuff on YouTube plus, watching many videos on government and spiritual gangstalking programs, I’ve been experiencing synchronicities every single day for over 2 months now very strong synchronicity so the universe or supernatural realm has been communicating with me. I’ve been watching videos made by youtubers on YouTube, I also think my husband is my real twin flame or even my other half. I became a born again christian in 2014. I think I’m 1 of the 12,000 people of 1 of the 12 tribes of Israel – 1 of the 144,000 witnesses as written in the holy bible. God foreknew me. He created me. He chose me when He planned creation. He chose me before the foundation of the earth was made. I am a light in the world through Jesus Christ. I am in this world but I am not of this world, I come from Heaven, I came down from Heaven to earth. I have been hated, abused, persecuted, punished, rejected, humiliated, disrespected, treated with scorn, contempt, disdain, etc…, all by other people because I am blessed, because of God creating me. The world hates me because of Him. I have suffered emotionally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually, supernaturally and physically for over 2 months now. I’m no longer on Quetiapine. I am now on Olanzapine. I have seen and met 2 of my husband’s lookalikes a few times, synchronicity every single day of over 2 months my life is absolutely crazy and so is my health at the moment. I’ve had supernatural experiences, had little miracles, miracle breakthroughs come true for me personally, been told some extraordinary special unique things about myself to me by other people, I’ve seen a picture of my clone on the front page of an indian restaurant flyer that gets put through my letter box on my front door of my flat. I’ve never been in this restaurant. This indian restaurant keeps sending me text messages to my phone about their Elvis Presley night and when I go onto Facebook it’s on my recommendations list on Facebook too. I did impersonate Elvis myself personally 4 times in the past. I do have a clone who actually came from my cells, my dna. I am self medicating through music, dancing and singing and I would like to try my hand at acting and at drama. Me and my whole life is absolutely nuts at the moment. I want to investigate my ancestry, my lineage. My maternal great grandfather was a freemason and a lord mayor of Manchester, U.K and my maternal grandparents were connected to the british royal family to Queen Elizabeth 2. I think that everything and everyone is interconnected to each other including me. Am I right in saying that or wrong or partly right?. I think the british royal family, the Queen knows about me, knows of me through hundreds or even thousands of people. I watch the youtubers David Icke, Miles Johnston, Lindy Cowling, etc…,. Narcissists are strategically put into different positions and places at different times in our lives because it’s a part of the government and spiritual gangstalking programs all because of the Illuminati, Freemasons – secret societies who run this world. I might have either Rh negative or Rh positive blood type. I think my mother has either 1 of those 2 different blood types herself I think. I am being targeted. I wonder what incredible shocks and surprises lay in store that are in my ancestral bloodlines – my family tree for me to discover!!??. Also, I have 2 memories of being inside my mother’s womb during her pregnancy with me and I think that I have 1 memory even before my parents conceived me, even before I was in my mother’s womb, even before I was incarnated, even before I came into incarnation.

  • hintoncrew@bigpond.com'
    Hannah Hinton
    June 20, 2019

    heartbroken and still in love with him, but I know it is not a healthy rollercoaster relationship and now he has moved on to his next victim. Thank you for all your advise you are nailing it for me. I am look forward to healing and I matter to me. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 20, 2019

      Hi Hannah,

      You so will break free into your truth and bliss.

      That’s what Quantum Healing from these relationships produce.

      I promise ..

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • gartenhut@yahoo.com'
    Joseph Huth
    June 21, 2019

    From today forward I matter to me.

  • SASCHE@SEIDATA.COM'
    Staci
    June 29, 2019

    Hannah! WE MATTER TO OURSELVES! We CAN do this!!!
    Much love and faith!! xoxo

  • helmersonj1969@gmail.com'
    Jody
    July 26, 2019

    From this day forward…. I Matter to Me!!

    Sounds like common sense, like why wouldn’t I matter to me… I Love reading your articles, I have numerous screenshots of the parts of my recovery I have the most trouble with, the parts that give me the clearest insight to how/why these people are the way they are…. hopefully to keep me out of the crazy loop I have been cursed with running, (kindof like a hampster in a wheel… around & round & round & around) I feel like it never stops, never let’s me off… it’s a constant, I have let it effect my life for so long, I don’t know what to do with myself if it was to stop. & worst of all my children, have witnessed terrible terrible behavior that this person has brought into our lives on a regular basis. Usually when we have something to do that wasn’t his idea or isn’t about him directly. It is the grossest thing Ever! But I allow it to continue. Why?? How could I do that, to them??
    I turn 50 years old 2day, & have been struggling with not only feeling like my life has passed me by, that I haven’t done good enough for my kids, but with also how to get me on the path of cleaning out my closet of damaged issues inside of myself, to move me forward in a self healing positive direction… I don’t really have much of a tightknit group of people who feel the same as I do.( most know but choose to ignore & play the game) bcause it’s just easier to stroke the ego on a steady basis than to deal with the other side of “being alone” or leaving & starting over… I cannot play this game anymore, I am a Leo the Lion, I demand mutual respect, I have dignity, I am strong & I am NOT afraid to be alone, I just want to be Happy…. Idk… what suggestions you would have for me, but I am out of time for 2day, I have to get ready for work now.

    While writing this I have gotten a message or 2 from that person, I am not going to look (right away anyways) & am going to continue getting ready for work.

    Your words mean soo much to me, I just wish I had good follow through.

    Thanks Melanie
    You are Amazing!!

    Jody-

  • tramsey671@gmail.com'
    Tracy
    July 30, 2019

    Hello! I have battled depression since college ( I am now 48 years old), and I unknowingly married a narcissist. It more than compounds my depression, and he has manipulated my children into believing I’m not a great mother. While I admit I have contributed my share of dysfunction to our family, much of it was battling my husband’s abusive words and actions (isolation). I cannot win, and I think about dying regularly, even though he tells my children I’m just seeking sympathy. I know that isn’t the truth, but they believe it bc his words are so convincing. I teach school and have taught for 20+ years. My husband is self-employed, but makes minimal income. He could do more if he actually got a real job like he had when I met him. Sometimes I almost have to hate him for his words and actions to have no impact on me. I am a FIRM believer in honoring my wedding vows except in the case of adulterous as the Bible states. I’m at a loss for what to do. Both of our children will move out in the next 5 years, and I feel confident he and I will live separate lives at that time. Our house is pretty big so it’s easy to find our own nooks and have little correspondence if we are battling one another. I know it’s no life, but I don’t know what to do. He gets extremely jealous if I am the one getting the attention, and even accuses me of acting one way at home and completely different when I’m with others. I partially agree with that bc there is much less threat of rejection, chronic sarcasm, and verbal abuse when I’m in the larger public than when I’m home with my husband. Isn’t that pathetic?

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