Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Are Narcissists So Entitled?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
71
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

If you’ve been in a close relationship with a narcissist you will have experienced the heartbreak and horror or realising it is ALL about him and her.

The narcissist’s demands (that must be met) are unreasonable and even unliveable.

The invasions into your life, things, thoughts, and even your emotions are incredibly violating.

The narcissist seems to truly believe that they are unique and special, and they need to be treated as such.

It’s devastating to experience because you are being reduced to an object who is serving a beast – the narcissist’s insatiable ego. And you are not treated as a human being with rights, needs, and emotions, let alone as an equal.

Why are narcissists SO entitled?

Is it because of feeling so superior to others? Or … is it another reason altogether?

In today’s Thriver TV episode we will investigate what is really playing out for the narcissist when they act entitled, as well as what triggers them into mega-entitled episodes.

And, then we will go into what is playing out between them and us, and why are we stuck in the abuse of being with someone who believes they have license over our life, resources and even body and souls.

Within this episode, I will explain how to pull away, heal and never again play out the trauma of over-entitled abusive relationships.

I know how angry and upset I used to get at the narcissist’s levels of entitlement, and how I used to try to explain basic fundaments over and over again to him. Desperately trying to get him to RESPECT me and other people. (It’s exhausting to think about!)

Thank goodness that Life now, being detached and healed and clear about my own values and fundaments, is completely different.

And I know it can be for you too.

I look forward to joining with you in your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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71 Thoughts on Why Are Narcissists So Entitled?
  • emxx@sbcglobal.net'
    Healing
    October 13, 2017

    self care is so major, wish we were all taught that earlier in life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Healing.

      I SO agree!

      Mel xo

      • viki_troester@yahoo.de'
        Viktoria Tröster
        October 22, 2017

        I wonder how long it takes to identify a narcissist. Is there a way to recognize one at the first sight? So one can avoid difficult working situations by not entering that group at all?

        • snowleopard1987@gmail.com'
          Snowleopard
          October 28, 2017

          Hi, Viktoria. There are always red flags form the very beginning. The key is to know what a healthy human being and a healthy human interaction look like — that’s how we’ll be able to quickly discern what is normal and what is abnormal behavior. Routinely a narc is either the most inflated egomaniac in the room, or the most pitiful woo-is-me person in the room, but both’s focus lies on their precious little selves. At a workplace, the narcissistic culture is fundamentally dysfunctional: it’s hostile, ultra-competitive even internally, there are always cliques, gossip and, often, drama. In personal relationships, a narc never connects with you on a human level. This is probably the first most obvious sign. They can only vapidly seduce. A deep, genuine human bond… it’s simply not there. Well, to a narc we’re not humans but tools. Narcs suck at interpersonal communication, because they’re so self-obsessed other people are a mystery to them. Due to their lack of empathy, narcs are incapable of understanding what other people think or feel, so they never connect with anyone. Beware of any person who is coming onto you strongly right off the bat! If someone is trying to seduce using their bodily parts or saccharine flattery/love-bombing, but fails to establish a human bond with you — drop them like a hot potato. This works for me. With a narcissist, you never really connect. Period.

  • bantigo789@gmail.com'
    Bradley Antigo
    October 13, 2017

    Melanie i enjoy your videos and i spend alot of time watching them and also reading the information you post. Sometimes its like your inside my head because your so accurate at what you are saying about narcissists. Sometimes i wish the Lord would step in and give her a rude awakening and allow me to watch as it plays out. But then again i dont want to see her get hurt and i dont want to be like her. I could have given her so much more. But now that i know who and what she really is, i guess i would just be beating a dead horse. I appreciate all you have done for me and resoect your ooinions and advice, and i am ready to move forward. I am signed up for subscriptions, is that what you were talking about when you asked me if i was.signed up. Thank you very much. Brad

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Bradley,

      I am so pleased my information resonates with you 🙂

      It truly is so about taking the focus off them and fully healing us – that is where our salvation is.

      That is great that you are connecting to my work in a deeper way.

      Mel xo

  • hawk00073@hotmail.com'
    Pam
    October 13, 2017

    The one I thought was kinda out there is when he came in and started pounding on the table and said, “I command RESPECT!” I said something back to him, that Hitler commanded respect too and he never got it, he got fear. And it isn’t real. This was an interesting video and it does make me stop and think and yes, I know what you mean. I felt entitled as well about certain things, like love and to be treated as well as he treated everyone else but me. And it never happened and I can see now that I was as sick as him in a way, I just chose a different way of dealing with it. They say opposites attract, but are we really opposite? In a lot of ways no, I think we may have both suffered a lot of the same traumas and children, but we just chose different ways of protecting ourselves. But both are extreme and not healthy. We are really the ones better off though, we can find a way to learn and grow and become healthy. Not many narcissists can do that, not in this life anyway. Thanks for this video Melanie, you are the little Guru! Wise like Yoda and I wish you the best too.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Pam,

      that is great that you understand the self-reflection involved.

      It is so true that there are so many similarities in our wounds … and these are the glue that holds the relationship together – until we step out and start to heal ourselves.

      So true, Pam, we can face and heal what we need to.

      Sending you many blessings!

      Mel xo

    • mzr8184@kc.surewest.net'
      Judy
      November 6, 2017

      Hi Melanie.
      My entitled, evil, greedy, hateful, jealous sis and HER family could have “attached me backwards to the car trunk” and drugged me throughout town. Their gaslighting lasted for 10 Years on the 19th of this month. My mum died some time ago. I did nothing to provoke this. i MAY HAVE BEEN TOO CHEERFUL…TOO HELPFUL I had no idea of their evil ways until 6 months ago. Their actions had left me with C-PTSD. I could not stop the tremors and the slurred speech until recently.
      I KNOW WHAT EVIL, SELFISH, SMURKIE GRIN MONSTERS ARE! THEY DERIVE THEIR NARCISSIST SUPPLY BY CAUSING CONFUSION…GASLIGHTING.
      I had a great job, benefits, and retirement. I loved life. I’m older now…have wasted all of this time unraveling everything that was done to me. I am truly lost. I feel so stupid as if I have nothing left. I’m running on fumes.
      Thank you for all that you do. Be well…you, too, cute Tiggy…the “therapy” kitty.
      Regards, Jay

  • tonyacowling14@gmail.com'
    Tonya
    October 13, 2017

    I have a huge situation – father, many family members, my youngest daughters father all narcissistic in their own spectrum. My daughter was taken from me by a three page distorted and majority of lies to get a judge to sign emergency order. Everyone wants my daughter of 10 years. Strangely this all began with my almost being killed literally in my home (my daughter was not here) by my middle daughter and her bf who are drug addicts and alcoholics and abusive to each for years. I fell hook line and sinker to letting her come stay to sober and assure she was okay. He tried to rape her and she screamed for life and so I went to the room and I became the one he tried to strangulate and kill and then my daughter 10-20 mins later joined in for some reason. Now I’m considered unfit after a month in bed of confusion and possible brain damage and their (my middle and her bf’s clan mother) bullied me after via courts and DSS. Thankfully the latter was all proven bogus retaliation. Now I’m in the biggest custody battle where my adopted father wants my daughter and her dad wants her, but she is not allowed to speak to me and he is regressing per emails from my bio dad being honest about it. I don’t know where to look for help with dealing with (I’m not a dr of mental health so I cannot diagnose) but it is clear and has been for so long how I was raised and who I attracted. I’ve been in therapy and PTSD treatment now for years and Thetahealing, Reiki, etc. My daughter’s voice is being smashed and I’m terrified she is going to continue to regress. I can feel her throat. I’m an empath and many gifts. Any direction to your work that you may have to offer, including healing ME more as we go, I plea that you send my way! Many many many hugs and love to all!

    • pamela_morrison@hotmail.co.uk'
      Pamela Morrison
      October 13, 2017

      Oh how utterly awful for you. I feel for your daughter. I now realise I had narcissistic parents and one of my sisters too. I was the family scapegoat I guess. Anyway I simply could not speak at school and could not get words out however much I wanted to…. selective mute its called I think. I still have problems speaking at work or in other situations when its not just 1 on 1. Its a really hard way to live your life. I was lucky I found a way to express myself through dancing which I loved so much. That got me some confidence and solace in this world at least. I hope she finds her way. I’m glad you are in therapy and finding help through this awful time. Best wishes and send love to you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Tonya,

      my heart goes out to you dealing with all of this.

      I can’t imagine anything more awful than having someone trying to take your own child away from you.

      You have been through so much Tonya and it is a real testament to your courage and strength that you are still here – and still trying to find solutions.

      Tonya, so many of us before QFH, had tried all sorts of ways to not have PTSD and get on top of the trauma and being terrorized – that our lives had become when under siege by narcissists – and in health situations and depletions that made it seem hopeless and that there was no way out.

      Have you been in one of my free workshops – it may just offer you the key to heal this and change it …

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this can help.

      Mel xo

  • hllove@live.com'
    Hannah
    October 13, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you for another insightful video.

    Would it be possible to do a video on how to heal chronic illnesses and diseases by shifting trauma?

    I watched your video on healing from adrenal failure, but would love to hear more. Like many women who stayed with a narcissist for years on end, after the discard I was left with massive chronic illness (thyroid illnesses) that have wrecked havoc on my life and the way I look. I’m still coping with it. Is it possible to shift hurts and trauma out to the point where that could heal me of my chronic illness?

    Please say yes…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Hannah,

      yes absolutely it would be – I will do one.

      Yes, 100% it is possible – just target the “illness” or “disease” in exactly the same way as emotional trauma.

      I heal the unhealable physically with QFH – many people in this Community have – a huge array of “non-treatable” or supposed “lifetime conditions.”

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • bizzydizzy@btinternet.com'
    Lynn Collett
    October 13, 2017

    Hello Melanie, I just wanted to tell you that you have saved my life and given me a reason to carry on living.
    I am 59 next month and I have had a lifetime of narcs in my life.
    My mother being the first who had affairs all through my very young years and then met a paedophile who moved into the family home with my Dad being there and raped me every Saturday.
    Two marriages and divorces, two beautiful children later I sit here to tell the tale, I am cut off from my Mum, Sister and brother. My biggest love of my life was my loyal dog who I had to have put down this year, after this I struggled to find a reason to live. Both my children live in NZ and I am in England.
    I am getting through all this and I know things are getting better every single day, I have a thirst for life and knowledge and I found you and others like me and I am learning my part in all this. I am gong to find a way to be the authentic person I know is buried under so much trauma and be a better Mum and Nanna to my 2 grandchildren.
    I will get through this but need to say that you have helped me understand what has been wrong with me and how to heal.
    Thank you so much X X x

    • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
      Asha
      October 14, 2017

      I believe you will heal. I believe that every horrible thing that has happened to you, will become a powerful tool for your empowerment. Anyone who is honestly seeking the truth will always find it and the truth really does set us free. Sending you light and love. Asha

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Lynn,

      I am so pleased I have been able to help Dear Lady – especially after what you have been through.

      I love that you are freeing yourself from the trauma for you and other beautiful people in your life.

      Sending so many blessings and love to you sweetheart.

      Mel xo

  • jennysherrell@gmail.com'
    Jenny
    October 13, 2017

    Absolutely agree with everything you’ve said. I’m so glad you brought up the entitlement side of the partner – where we demand to be loved and it’s like our life depends on it – and so we find ourselves behaving like narcissists ourselves. The NARP program started my awareness and healing. Without it I’d still be floundering around in a heap of painful confusion. But because of my financial situation (I simply don’t have one) and the fact we have adult children depending on us for accommodation – we live in different parts of the house and I continue to see him every day. But I want to make every day a wonderful day and that means being pleasant and kind- so I’ve had to move on inside of me; and do battle with my own ego not his.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Jenny,

      thank you – and especially for your courage and authenticity to free yourself in admitting this.

      That is so wonderful that you are doing the NARP work and freeing yourself!

      Bravo and much love 🙂

      Mel xo

  • loreleew@telus.net'
    Lorelee
    October 14, 2017

    Hi Melanie: Whoa! did I get triggered by this episode! So I immediately did module 4 and still have a level of 7 after 6 shifts, (started at 10). The narc is a neighbour; your description re: entitlement spot on. Often when you are talking about a primary relationship, it doesn’t feel like it applies to me so much. I wonder if you would consider an episode “When the Narc is a Neighbour”. I realize ultimately it doesn’t matter who the narc is but there are some specific dynamics that differ. For example, when I went into my body this time, the resentment was toward the 3 civic agencies & police who’ve all told us the neighbour’s behaviour is outrageous but the law is too lax to address our situation. (Also Human Rights said they could’ve helped if we lived in an apartment but not a single detached home.) The Police told us to contact a lawyer but I cancelled the meeting with the desire to work with NARP until there is no charge left and then re-consider legal action.

    I’ve done Mod. #4 & 5 a total of 13 times so far in the month since I’ve joined, with the injustice theme rotating between resentment to narc, the authorities and my family. (I’ve watched your video -“When Family and Friends Don’t Understand” several times.) A lot of ancient wounds have come up including being stabbed by someone I trusted etc. I’ve also done Mod 8 3X’s – fear of what will happen. For 25 years we had a friendly relationship with this family. We have keys to each other’s houses. April 2016, during the 13th conversation we’d had with them re: the first issue “the mask came off” the woman, and the narc emerged in full disdain. (The man, who tried to resolve the issue has since died; 2 additional issues re: property damage & privacy have arisen since his death – retaliation). I’ve had no contact since April 2016 but we still have their key and they have ours. I’ve thought of asking the police to exchange keys but wouldn’t this be narcissist supply? Do I just keep doing module 8 whenever fear arises from this? I have been prepping to move for a year but feel my family sabotages my effort. (Your video “What is my Inner Child” highlighted the two very different personality approaches to dealing with conflict that my husband and I hold).

    I do want to say, that NARP has helped me tremendously with understanding the various dynamics identified above. I am no longer suicidal and most often free of compulsive thinking with rare adrenalin surges. However, this video triggered a big surge as it most accurately describes my situation. Any further advice will be much appreciated. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Lorelee,

      how fabulous that you too those triggers to Modules to shift them! That is the “straight line” of Thriving!

      Gosh, I seriously could do the episode “when the narc is a neighbour” – wonderful suggestion!

      Please do know, however, the healing is identical – because it all gets back to violations, fears and traumas that we have within us that we can track back through the triggers to release, replace and heal … and the great stuff is that you ARE on NARP and doing the work – it truly is about facing and shifting each trigger that arises.

      In regard to the keys – I really do believe having keys to each others house is not conducive to your rights for safety and solidness, knowing that this is a toxic relationship. I personally would have keys returned and change my locks. I think that is sensible and states “I do look after me.” (mostly to yourself – because truly who cares what they think?)

      Because I dont really know your situation, other than saying to you just keep shifting these triggers so that you can show up in your Life as yourself (regardless of what they do and don’t do) I highly recommend you being in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to get help and support from the NARP Community and Thrivers as required.

      I hope this helps Lorelle.

      Mel xo

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 14, 2017

    Hi Melanie My older cerebral covert Narcissist stepdaughter deludedly believes that the whole world owes her a living, that everyone must do her bidding and that everyone both online and offline should be her pity party giving her plenty of empathy, sympathy, compassion and vindicating and validating her personal experiences of Narcissistic abuse in which she plays the victim and portrays her victims as the Narcissists and does blame – shifting on her victims and she deludedly believes that she totally deserves all of this and she deludedly believes that she totally deserves special treatment from everyone. She is from the middle social class and her own inner circles are from the middle and highest social classes in the social class system of modern society. She targets confident and successful middle and highest social classes men and always ensures that she has the right type of relationships with them where she would benefit from extremely comfortable living financial security, plenty of sex and makes much more contacts with people in higher places – people in top, high flying professional jobs in top high flying professional careers – people who are very, very successful and who have a public image of success. She desperately desires to have and to present both a private and public image of success in her private and personal life and in her public life – which means she’s extremely manipulative she ensures relationships with highly successful men so she can use them to make new contacts with people from the highest social classes who have top high flying professional jobs in top high flying professional careers like people who work in institutions. Once she has got what she wants then she ends the relationship with every successful and confident man in the middle and highest social classes. She uses men to get and receive the positive results from the great benefits to possibly further her own job in her own chosen career or to make a job and career move – change. She is extremely manipulative when it comes to success in all areas and aspects of life – of her own private, personal, professional and public lives and of her own professional working life and of her own private, personal, professional and public images. Her next step is world domination, her greatest desire is to become a world famous celebrity as a solo singer/songwriter, music producer, dancer, a full-time commercial type model and as an actress in Hollywood in America. She’s never been, she’s not and she will NEVER EVER be famous at all, she’s always been, she’s always is and she will ALWAYS be NON – famous. She has NO gifts, talents or abilities for any part of the music, dance, dance cheography, dancing, modelling, acting, drama industries or even for Hollywood. She said she wanted to be a new judge on the Britain’s X Factor t.v show and to work alongside Simon Cowell and the other judges judging the t.v show’s singing contestants, she wanted to be on the t.v show’s judging judge panel. She wants to be on t.v, etc…,. She deludedly believes that her unrealistic goals, hopes, wishes, dreams, desires, aspirations, ambitions, etc…, will all come true for her and that they are all realistic. None of it is realistic, it is all unrealistic. Her standards and expectations are all unrealistic. She is extremely deluded and delusional. She is extremely unreasonable. She has never, she doesn’t and she will never ever settle for the second best things in every area and aspect of her life. She’s extremely unhappy with her lot in life, she hates her job because she feels unsatisfied and unfulfilled by it she feels extremely frustrated and depressed by everything. She wants to make major improvements in her life, she takes stock of her life. She wants to improve the quality and increase the living standards of her life. The voice of reason couldn’t even reason with her. She needs a reality check and to be told the home truths that she must, should and needs to hear and to listen to. She’s a fantasist who lives in a dream world. She needs to be brought back down to reality. She needs to accept the fact that she will NEVER EVER become famous or world famous.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Christine,

      it is sad for these people that no matter what they do get – if they do – it never brings peace and happiness.

      And what is important for us is to be and generate our own peace and happiness regardless of what other people decide to do or not do.

      And if we don’t – we will never be free.

      Mel xo

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Hannah Woolhouse
    October 14, 2017

    Dear Melanie

    This video is BRILLIANT and delivered with such verve. I found myself saying “YES!!!” to just about every sentence.

    I am working everyday with NARP which has helped me feel “solid” for the first time in my life. I have been free of my narcissist for nearly a year after 10 years together, but until discovering NARP a month ago I felt like a shredded rag in the wind.

    Thank you again,
    With love

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Hannah,

      thank you and I am so glad you enjoyed it!

      I am so pleased you are doing so well Dear Lady!

      Much love and blessings to you too 🙂

      Mel xo

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 14, 2017

    All of these things will NEVER EVER happen for her to her in the whole duration of her life even unto her death. The craziest thing is is that she has never, she doesn’t and she will never ever accept those facts about herself and about her own life. So she will consistently continue being and feeling disappointed for all of eternity and the consistent continuous disappointments will keep coming in to her and into her own life forever, she must suffer from severe, etc…, depression, maybe even committing suicide and killing herself, who knows…..???!! She is so deluded and delusional that she believes and thinks of herself as a goddess, she has a god complex in her False Self and she deludedly believes and thinks that she totally deserves everyone to worship, give praise to and praise and glorify and give glory to both to her, to her name and to pictures and photographs, photos of her. She commands for everyone to give her the upmost respect, for everyone to revere her, for everyone to love her unconditionally, for everyone to honour her and for everyone to obey her, her commands and for everyone to be obedient to her and for everyone to live their lives in obedience to her and to her commands. She forces everyone to feel honoured and privileged to be in her presence, in her company, she forces everyone to feel honoured and privileged to be in her life and for them to feel honoured and privileged to have personally, privately, professionally and publicly known her and for them to feel honoured and privileged to have personally, privately, professionally and publicly know her. She expects everyone to respect and admire her, she commands total admiration from everyone to her, she commands everyone to totally admire her. She expects and commands everyone to pay homage to her. She will therefore, ALWAYS be deluded, delusional, unrealistic, unreasonable and she will therefore ALWAYS be and feel disappointed and depressed for all of eternity. She’s like the female equivalent of the antichrist. She’s like a little Hitler. She’s extremely beguiling, she has the most purest evil, darkest, malevolent, sinister, menacing, etc…, charisma and charm – like Hitler’s was and is like or almost is like the antichrist’s is. But the core of who and what she really is is an absolutely nothing, an absolutely nobody, an absolutely no-one. She’s an absolutely nothing, an absolutely nobody and an absolutely no-one. That’s exactly and precisely who and what she really and truly is!!!!!!. Also she expects and commands absolute loyalty from everyone and from animals – especially cats and dogs to her, she expects and commands for everyone and for animals – cats and dogs to be absolutely loyal to her. All of her expectations, standards and commands are all unrealistic, unreasonable and highly impossible, all of it is deluded and delusional and all of her expectations, standards and commands, wishes, hopes, dreams, desires, wants, needs, goals, aspirations and ambitions will NEVER EVER be met and will NEVER EVER happen for her and will NEVER EVER come true for her forever unto her death, for all of eternity because it is all, all of it, everything is just too unrealistic, highly impossible, unreasonable, deluded, delusional for just one of those things to be realized, to be achieved, to be accomplished, to be met, to happen, to come true into, in reality. She has NEVER, she DOESN’T and she will NEVER EVER deserve any of those things, she has NEVER, she DOESN’T and she will NEVER EVER deserve for any of those things to be realized, to be met, to be achieved, to be accomplished, to happen, to come true for her into, in reality for her. She is the top No.1 BIGGEST joke, laugh, the whole laughing stock – bottom, middle and top of the whole universe that the whole universe laughs at with mockery, scorn, contempt and disdain. She is absolutely nothing to us – her victims because she means absolutely nothing to us – her victims as we – her victims are absolutely nothing to her because we – her victims mean absolutely nothing to her. She must and should NEVER EVER be seen and NEVER EVER be heard. She desires/wants lots and lots of recognition. I’m giving her lots and lots of NEGATIVE recognition – I’m telling the cold, hard truth of and about her and fully exposing her to the whole universe of what and who she really and truly is, what she’s really and truly like – as a person and what type of personality and character she really and truly has – she – my much older stepdaughter who is in her late forties is a TEXTBOOK MALIGNANT CEREBRAL COVERT NARCISSIST WHO LOVES AND ENJOYS PLAYING THE VICTIM AND SHIFTING THE BLAME ONTO US – HER VICTIMS. I am her much younger stepmother I am in my early thirties, I am married to her biological father. I used to personally know another victim of hers – her then boyfriend at the time who is now her ex – boyfriend their relationship ended many, many years ago. The last time I saw him was many, many years ago. I have never ever, I do not have and I will never ever have a stepmother and stepdaughter relationship or even a friendship with my stepdaughter for the whole duration of my life unto my death for all of eternity EXTREMELY FORTUNATELY and EXTREMELY VERY LUCKY for me, which is FORTUNATE and EXTREME FANTASTIC GOOD LUCK FOR ME. She comes from an elitist Narcissistic family.

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 14, 2017

    When my older Narcissist stepdaughter is applying for a job she shakes and trembles because one of her biggest fears is that she will get turned down for the job, that she won’t get the job, she’s extremely fearful of her being rejected for the job. So the prospect of a job opportunity falling through for her fills her with terror, horror, fear, dread, despair, hopelessness, helplessness, etc…,. She is addicted to having long term relationships with confident and successful men in the middle and highest social classes in the social class system in modern society who are in top high flying professional jobs in top high flying professional careers because she desires to use these men to further her own job, career or to make a job/career move – change and to make new business associates contacts – people in high places so that she can have access to their “clubs” – possibly meaning secret societies – possibly the Freemasons, Illuminati, etc…, or maybe satanic cults and devil – worship cults. She believes she will never ever be good enough and that she will never ever be qualified enough to join, be a member of, have access to these “clubs”. She believes that she will always lose out on these things, business and pleasure ventures and job and career promotions or new job and/or new career moves – changes and opportunities. She doesn’t want to be or to feel left out but she believes that she will always be and feel left out. So she’s addicted to having long term relationships with these men because she thinks and believes that these men, the people who these men know, “these clubs” and everything else, etc…, will benefit her in all types of ways, in areas and aspects of her life, she wants to have and to live the good life, she wants the best livelihood and the best legacy for herself to have. So she’s with these men to manipulate and use them for success in her professional working and business life, in her pleasure life, for financial security, for her private, personal, public lives and for to have plenty of sex and for her boyfriends and lovers to fall desperately, madly, deeply, truly, crazy, crazily in love with her, to unconditionally love her, for these men to be extremely romantic, chivalrous, loving, caring, nice, kind, helpful, considerate, courteous, polite, respectful, thoughtful, mindful, altruistic, etc…, to, towards her, for her – but for it to ONLY and ONLY be one – way, she has NEVER, she DOESN’T and she will NEVER EVER reciprocate back to these men, NOT vice-versa. She has NEVER EVER, she DOESN’T and she will NEVER EVER love anyone else!!!! She will ONLY love herself, she will NEVER EVER love anyone else. She targets these types of men and very, very quickly secures long term relationships with these men which would/will suit her, benefit her, be beneficial to her and which will serve her own life’s agendas, life’s purpose, life’s missions. She’s manipulating and using these men – manipulating and using people are forms of abuse, she’s abusing these men in these ways and in these manners. She enters into these relationships with these men that she thinks would suit her and be extremely beneficial for her. She has ALWAYS been, she ALWAYS does, she ALWAYS is, she is ALWAYS, she will ALWAYS, she ALWAYS will be ONLY out for herself and for what she wants and desires and for what she can get – out of these relationships with these men, she thinks what she can get out of these relationships and what’s in it for her in these relationships, her relationships with her boyfriends and lovers and her boyfriends and lovers ONLY serve ONLY her and her plans, agendas, missions, purposes, etc…, and she is straight, heterosexual, she is a sex maniac, she has the lust and Jezebel spirit around her, and she’s into every form and type of immoral and illegal sex. She’s a sexually immoral person. Once these relationships have served her and her purposes, etc…, she uses these men as exit strategies and she ends all of these relationships with all of these men.

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 14, 2017

    My cerebral covert Narcissist stepdaughter is trying to climb the social class system ladder upwards because she desperately wants to go from being in the middle class that she is in now up to the highest class in the social class system in today’s modern and current society. She wants to have the best, the perfect social status in today’s modern society, but she knows she will NEVER EVER get to have it, it will NEVER EVER be realized, met, achieved, accomplished, happen, come true for her in her life into, in reality for the whole duration of her life even unto death for all of eternity.

  • anna.weltman@gmail.com'
    ANNA WELTMAN
    October 14, 2017

    beautifully explained…thanks for sharing your experience. i had a narc bf a few years ago which ended up really hurting me. I joined your program after much research and began to heal and understand my wounds more and learn how to handle them and change…a few years later, i dated someone else and it ended after a year, with arguing in the last 6 months. I was hurt again and could not understand why he did certain things…he was less of an outright narc and more of a ‘complicated’ and ‘hidden’ one….only now when you describe all of the things that someone who is narcissist does, I now see how he did those things and i was not really aware…it wasn’t as obvious as trhe previous guy. halfway thorugh your video, i’m asking myself: ‘why did i get into that again?’ and then you actually answered that question around that point of the video…so i got my answer. i have less stuff to heal, but i still have stuff. beginning with my narc mother….so i’ll start back there and go over my history and do the work some more….at least this guy was not as hurtful and damaging as the last one…hopefully that means I’m getting slowly past this type of attraction…

    so thank you!!

    love your cat too!!! i was watching with my cat!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Anna,

      thank you 🙂

      I am so pleased this video brought you clarity.

      That is so beautiful you were watching with your cat!

      Absolutely, Anna, you will dig this out and heal it – I did after N number 2.

      Many of us have 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Tofu1@msn.com'
    Greta
    October 14, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I love all of your videos and articles but I have to dispute something you said today in your “Why Are Narcissists So Entitled?” Video. You began the video by mentioning a vegetarian neighbor who you claimed was Narcissistic because she thought her neighbors should not be cooking or eating meat and the smell of it bothered her. Did she ask you or any other neighbors to stop cooking meat outside? If she has, then I understand why you would be offended and tag her as a Narcissist. Is it possible that she is not Narcissistic but instead empathetic toward animals and the suffering they endure in the meat industry from the time they’re born until the day they are slaughtered and die. The longer a vegetarian or vegan has abstained from eating meat the more sensitive and refined their sense of smell and taste buds become. Sometimes the smell of flesh cooking can actually make them nauseated or ill. I am vegan and the smell of animals cooking on a grill or stove affects me that way too, although I wouldn’t expect my neighbors to stop cooking them. I don’t impose my lifestyle on others, yet my neighbors who are aware I am vegan have made insulting and disrespectful comments to me, like “Hey Greta, how about a nice juicy steak?” They know how sensitive I am regarding the pain, suffering and abuse the animals endure. Why do they feel the need to go out of their way to ridicule me for being empathetic towards animals. Before making assumptions about your neighbor I think you should investigate her reasons for feeling the way she does. It might be for totally unselfish reasons and concerns. Once you know the truth of how much animals suffer on factory farms you can never erase the knowledge or images from your mind or soul.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Greta,

      please do know that this is not the only “complaint” from this neighbor there are plenty.

      I totally hear you and agree, but yes she has complained.

      Also truly – the solution is obvious … she has no control over people cooking meat and it is incredibly self-absorbed to expect it. And yes she did EXPECT it! People do not dispute her preferences just want to be able to live and let live.

      What she can do is close her windows and burn some oils, or of course move to a location where there is not close communal living.

      Mel xo

      • Tofu1@msn.com'
        Greta
        October 14, 2017

        Thank you, Melanie, for your immediate response and clarifying your neighbor’s behavior. I agree, when the aroma gets unbearable for me I do go in the house, close all the windows and turn on my air conditioner and maybe light some incense and put on some music. I can’t change my neighbors, but I can change myself and my reactions to their lifestyle which is different than mine. Just by remaining low key and not tooting my own horn some of my neighbors have actually started respecting me and making me some vegan options which have been delicious.

        Thanks again and I send love back to you for all of your efforts to free us from our prisons.

        Greta

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 15, 2017

          Hi Greta,

          You are very welcome Dear Lady and thank you, and that is great that you are communing with your neighbors.

          It’s my pleasure Greta.

          Mel xo

    • mibadoda@gmail.com'
      Miba
      October 14, 2017

      I feel very qualified and inclined to chime in as I don’t eat meat and haven’t eaten meat in years. I don’t like the smell of it either.

      I’m going to keep my response simple:

      No man/woman has a right to demand compliance from another human being – especially pertaining to one’s lifestyle. None of us have any business dictating how another person should live.

      Especially diet is a very delicate issue.

      It is important to let us all live. This doesn’t mean one should take sh*t from their neighbours, but it’s about respecting the fact that people are different and the ability to adapt to that and leave aside that which isn’t a match for us.

      There are quite a bit of of “Vegan Police”-types in the Vegan community and they annoy the heck out of me. They are radical, excessively self-absorbed, highly critical and intolerant of those who are “different” and often times have a superiority complex. They also tend to shame and guilt those who are different.

      Nowadays there are communities centered around themes such as the vegan lifestyle (for example). People can choose to live amongst those who share similar values.

      I wrote this because I felt the need to speak up for all non-vegans and because I’m so tired of this martyr-like elitist behaviour expressed by some who act like prima donnas and it’s beyond annoying.

      We only ever have control over how we choose to live and behave.

      If we don’t like something, or feel like we aren’t a match for a certain environment, it is up to us to investigate what’s keeping us from breaking away.

      • Tofu1@msn.com'
        Greta
        October 15, 2017

        Hello Miba,

        I have come across quite a few of the type of people you are talking about “Vegan Police” and they make a bad impression for all of us who are not radical. I usually keep my lifestyle private as it seems to make many others uncomfortable just as it obviously stirred things up in you. There are just as many people who show a lot of interest in vegetarian/veganism and want to be educated so they can make a gradual transition into this lifestyle. Many decide to take the plunge for health reasons alone without the consideration for the animals but realize along the way that there is a spiritual component that kicks in and they become aware of the plight of the animals. Many decide to go this route for financial reasons as well. Many of the vegans I know are humble, caring, compassionate people who are striving to make the world a better place for people, the environment and of course the animals. Before you pass judgement on anyone who chooses this path you should consider that each person is an individual on their own spiritual journey, evolving at their own pace. Please don’t lump everyone together as a stereotype because they choose to be vegan as self-centered, superior, etc. as you described above or it makes you just as guilty as the type of people you abhor. Yes there are people who choose veganism as a fad and go around bragging to everyone about it. Recently there was a self proclaimed vegan on The Dr. Phil Show who was an embarrassment not only to himself, but the whole vegan community. We all just have to just do and be the best we can and try to be happy doing it while we’re here on this earth. Keep an open mind and heart, do what’s best for you and try to be happy. Ignore the people who bother you.

        • mibadoda@gmail.com'
          Miba
          October 15, 2017

          You need to read more carefully. I never passed any judgement. If I feel like speaking up about this issue, that is my prerogative. You don’t have to like it, or agree with it, but I respectfully ask not to twist my words.

          I simply spoke my truth in regard to self-centeredness/self-entitlement within the Vegan Community – I clearly said: “I wrote this because I felt the need to speak up for all non-vegans and because I’m so tired of this martyr-like elitist behaviour expressed by *some* who act like prima donnas and it’s beyond annoying.”

          And live their life. I have actually been vegan myself. I have simply spoken my truth in regard to self-entitlement issues (within the Vegan Community), which was relevant to this video.

          It is not our job (or right) to demand other people to change their ways, just to suit our lifestyle (and personal needs). It is our personal responsibility to ensure that we pick an environment that is conducive to our lifestyle, and not try and change

          I was actually vegan myself for years and I’m in the process of picking up where I left off before converting back to vegetarianism.

          And there is a difference between judging others and speaking our truth (based on our beliefs, observations and personal experience). This is my truth. I respectfully ask to allow me the freedom to express myself peacefully (albeit assertively).

          For the sake of peace and as a token of respect towards this community (and the founder, i.e. Melanie) I will leave it at that. I’ve made myself clear enough.

          If you choose to twist my words, or misinterpret what I said, there’s not much I can (or should do) about that. Nor do I wish to.

          I wish you well nonetheless.

          • Tofu1@msn.com'
            Greta
            October 15, 2017

            Sorry you took it that way, Miba. It’s not my intention to twist anything you said. How do you know these people are self-centered, elitist, entitled, martyr-like or prima donnas? It’s your own perception of them. You don’t know anything about their life experiences or what they may have witnessed regarding animals, their torture and abuse and possibly defending them. Unless of course, they are your close friends, you know nothing of why they’re acting the way you claim they are. You say you never passed judgement on “some” vegans but actually you have. You’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to mine. There are also a lot of meat eaters who share the same characteristics that you describe as “some” vegans possessing . Let’s face it, there are many self-centered, entitled, elitist, prima donna meat eaters who are demeaning and abusive and self-righteous toward vegans. They always wonder where you get your protein. That question is tame in comparison with how they lash out at you for standing by your belief to remain vegan with a barrage of obscenities which myself and others I know have experienced. Sorry to say, but you are sounding very defensive and pompous in regards to my response to your first comment. I was originally just trying to find out from Melanie if she was sure this woman, in her defense, was a narcissist and Melanie confirmed that she was. That’s it. You had to jump in with your opinion about “some” vegans and their behavior. Maybe it was in response to what she said in the video, but a coincidence your comment followed mine. Just sayin’. I know the type you’re talking about, so don’t get me wrong. They get obsessed with the whole vegan “what I have to eat every day” thing and lose sight of the reason why they are Vegan to begin with.

            What I’m saying next is my truth. It’s an oxymoron to say “Live and let live” in regards to animals. How can that possibly happen when meat eaters are living but the ones they are eating are not and have been denied their basic freedoms and happiness on this earth especially when they’ve been raised on factory farms. They are not living and letting others live. I know they mean “do your thing, and I’ll do mine.” In reality that’s not what’s happening from an animal’s perspective and consciously speaking they are not that much different from us. You state in your first comment “It is important to let us all live.” That’s such a contradiction, Miba. Do you hear yourself and what you’re saying? We’re not all living when animals must die and not in an ethical or humane way. There is no humane way really to slaughter an animal. We are told it’s humane but again not from an animals perspective, humane compared to what, being killed inhumanely? Being killed is being killed. It’s taking a life away.

            I’m done. This can go on for ions. I just don’t understand how you can make assumptions without knowing all of the facts. There should be no hard feelings regarding the comments I just made if you really mean what you say, “It is important to let all of us live” I wish you well.

  • penny.white@outlook.com'
    Penny
    October 14, 2017

    Thanks Melanie,
    This also too woke me up as I am waking up at 40 and there must be something strange about coming into this age. I can clearly see how my conditional levels of how I should have been treated in my narcissistic relationships created much of this entitlement to play out. Like you stated the needs to be loved, kept safe, respected, honoured, adored etc etc were my own unmet needs because I never knew how to love and accept or even appreciate myself. Coming from childhood trauma and abuse and being a heavily parentified child I had doormat syndrome and thought being a good girl would be the way to get that same conditional treatment from others and little did I know that I was actually raised by abuse and being good was a adaptation and what a great hook to get you involved with the same reenactment from painful people. I can see clearly now the rain has gone – the way I look at things is different I see the patterns, I see the programs and I see it all. What a wake up call.
    Penny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 15, 2017

      Hi Penny,

      I really think there is something very powerful about turning 40!

      That is so awesome Penny that you have come out of the fog and are on your way home to you and your True Life.

      Mel xo

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 14, 2017

    My ex boyfriend who is a commitment phobe, a drug junkie, a thief and a paranoid Schizophrenic seems to have Narcissistic traits in his personality. He’s 2 months older than me and I noticed a pattern in our relationship. He would use me for money and sex, he wanted my money, he wanted me for sex but he actually never wanted me – as a person. We would have plenty of passionate lovemaking and most of my money I personally put into his hands so that he could make arrangements with drug runners and drug dealers to meet them at a certain place at a certain time on that same day to go and buy the drugs so off he went to do just that – these drugs would last for days and he would take these illegal drugs everyday. Then once he felt satisfied he would do the sociopathic, threatening and intimidating stare – it would frighten me and make me feel threatened, intimidated and uncomfortable so I asked why was he doing that and he replied why, ? can’t I look at my girlfriend then? I replied that he wasn’t looking at me, that he was staring at me and he disagreed saying that he wasn’t staring at me that he was just looking at me for a long time. I knew that he was going to create a row, argument, chaos and melodrama out of absolutely nothing, he would call me swearword derogatory names, shout and swear at me, verbally, emotionally and mentally abuse me, then his commitment phobia would pop up, he would say commitment phobic style words regarding me and him, our relationship and me and him in the future and our relationship in the future this all led to him dumping me and him ending our relationship then about a week or over a week later we would restart our relationship and this pattern of his behaviours, attitudes, words and actions and the pattern of our relationship would happen over and over again, extremely repetitive. I fell in love with him but he never fell in love with me. He always dumped me he always ended the relationship I never dumped him once I never ended the relationship once. His inner circles were putting far too much pressure on him and influencing him to dump me and end our relationship and to abuse me in every way and for him to find himself another girlfriend who would be more compatible with and for him. Well, there was another one of his past ex girlfriends who was still in his life – he used her as Narcissistic Supply and whenever he had his fill and was satisfied by one of us then he would end that relationship and go back to the other one of us, he would yo-yo between the 2 of us, he was going from one girl to the other girl and then back again, very repetitively. We had an on-off relationship from July or August 2012 to February 2013, it was me who would beg him for us to restart our relationship and it always worked – I would do this for about a week or so after he would dump me and then at the end of that if I hadn’t have had any contact with him he would send me a text or call me on my phone to come and meet him at a certain place at a certain time on that same day – usually it was at a place where recreational highs drugs were being sold and he wanted me to come and meet him there in like 30 minutes then when I arrived there at that destination he would manipulate me into giving him my cash money so that he could buy these chemicals and immediately after buying these chemicals he would take, consume these chemicals with a can of coca cola or diet coke. Then after that I would literally beg him for us to restart our relationship and he agreed and this happened as a vicious cycle vicious circle. Everytime he ended our relationship then everytime he broke my heart, I never ever got used to it, he dumped me so many times that I should have got used to it that the heart break would be getting lesser and lesser emotionally painful and at the end no heart break or emotional pain at all, but it got more and more emotionally painful and heartbreak everytime he would end the relationship, I just don’t understand or comprehend it in why I would be feeling like that. He created so much competition between me and this other girl. I then lived away from the same town that I was living in with him I lived in a city for just over 2 years, I restarted the relationship in the first portion of time of me living away but I never saw him face to face during that time and then about a week or so later he dumped me again. It took me about a few months to a year for my broken heart to fully heal, for me to get over him, for me to stop thinking about and of him and for me to move on with my own life. I never heard from him or saw him face to face again for the rest of the time that I was living in a city. During our on-off relationship he falsely accused me of doing double – standards when actually it was him who was doing the double standards – he said I was only smoking for fun but that he was smoking because he was addicted but I was smoking because it was fun and because I was addicted and because it was addictive – he’s such a hypocrite!!. Then he tried to make me jealous by him flirting with another girl in front of me and both him and her told me in front of each other that they were not sexually attracted to each other, not in love with each other, didn’t love each other and didn’t fancy each other. Then when I started interacting with another guy in front of him he thought I was flirting with this other guy, I tried to reassure him that I wasn’t flirting at all, I was just having a chat with this other guy, but he didn’t believe me so he must have had a Narcissistic injury as he then flew into a Narcissistic rage, we had a row all night and at the end of it he ended our relationship. He would create a disagreement then he turned into a row which he would drag me into out of absolutely nothing he done this as an opportunity for him to dump me he did it all deliberately just to emotionally and mentally traumatize and torture me and for him to dump me and end our relationship which he did so very many times. He is sadistic. He enjoyed witnessing the torture, pain and suffering that his abuse on me and him ending our relationship the effects that was having on me and on my emotions and feelings. In another incident he physically pushed me up against his bedroom wall. His head was near my abdominal and chest areas, I managed to physically get away, another time I was sat beside him on the sofa and he kept on putting his body up on mine – these 2 separate incidents was when he was extremely angry and he flew into these Narcissistic rages. I managed to physically get away again. He’s a liar and deceitful/deceptive person too. From July or August 2012 to February 2013 I wanted us to live together with each other in our own house, get married, have children and spend the rest of our lives together but he always said no to all of these and then one time he strung me along and future faked by him saying that this time around we would try and conceive a baby together – but later on I found out he was stringing me along and future faking. He was always insincere whenever he told me that he loved me. He never loved me, he never did fall in love with me.

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 14, 2017

    He never cared about me, he was using me, my money for his drugs, using me for sex, he was using, abusing and manipulating me. I never love – bombed him – not even once. My heart rules my head, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am a very sincere, honest, truthful, trustworthy, naive and vulnerable person. I’m very in touch with my emotions and I fall in and out of love with different men so easily. I just wanted to hurry the relationship along more quickly as I didn’t want to lose him at any cost. He told me that he witnessed his father abusing his mother throughout his childhood, adolescencehood, teenagehood and young adulthood many times. He started having emotional and behavioural problems and doing antisocial behaviour from the age of 3 or 4 years old – he was just a small child then. Instead of him growing up as an codependent, survivor, victim and empath he has grown up as an abuser, bully and villain himself just like his father, like father, like son, he’s a chip off the old block. The apple doesn’t fall far from the psychopathic tree. He has inherited the sins of the father, his father. My ex has told me that he himself has been in prison and been in psychiatric and mental health illness hospitals or similar to those places. I moved out of the city and I came back to live in the same town as he lives in alittle over 2 years ago now. He has come to visit me at my house a few times now just to have the flame on my lighter to light his cigarette – fag – rollie – rolly- roll-up. and to chat about life in general and other topics of conversation, not about him abusing me or about our past ended relationship. The last time he came to visit me at my house was months, months and months ago. Around the last time I spoke to him he told me that he’s homeless again for the second time and during our relationship he told me then that he had been homeless for quite a while which must have been around the early and middle years of the 2000’s he said he was sleeping rough in different areas in a very large wooded area and then he lived at a homeless hostel. I assume he’s living in the same homeless hostel for the second time now. This homeless hostel is near the bottom of the end of the road which is just down the road from where I live, so he lives near me. He is all over the town in which we both live in, he’s absolutely everywhere. I don’t miss him at all. If he asked me to or tried to manipulate me into becoming his girlfriend again I would immediately give a firm “NO” without hesitation as I am emotionally and mentally stronger that much more, more resilient, thick – skinned and tougher now than I have ever been before. I have ruminating question thoughts of “what the hell was I thinking?”, “wondering what the hell happened?” “how the hell did I get myself into this?” I realize now that I’m just far too good for him and that he’s just not good enough for me because me and him are totally different in comparison with/to each other. We are 100% incompatible with each other, we both wanted very different things in comparison to each other. My broken heart 100% healed, I emotionally got over him, I moved on with my own life a very, very long time ago. I have 100% emotionally got over him and 100% moved on with my own life. I’m 100% free of him which I’m extremely happy and feel extremely delighted about. I would never ever enter into a relationship with him again as I MOST DEFINITELY NEVER EVER, DOESN’T and will NEVER EVER deserve to be abused in any way, shape or form. I MOST DEFINITELY have ALWAYS, ALWAYS does, ALWAYS do and will ALWAYS, ALWAYS will deserve the upmost respect, happiness, sincere unconditional love, etc…, Absolutely everyone must and should respect me!!!. I’m guarding, protecting and defending my heart from any further future abuse, pain, suffering, etc…,. My way out, my exit strategy was me moving myself physically away from him. During our relationship I became lovesick over him, inseparable to him, very intense emotions of real, true sincere, unconditional love for him, very intense emotions of heartbreak, pain, suffering, etc…, everytime he ended our relationship, these 2 different emotions 100% totally emotionally overwhelmed me and 100% totally emotionally over – powered me. During our relationship when he was physically away from me I experienced separation anxiety over him nearly everytime he was physically away from me and during the time shortly after he would dump me to up to the time when we would restart our relationship again I would experience separation anxiety over him everytime he dumped me. Now, he is absolutely nothing to me because he means absolutely nothing to me. He is absolutely nothing, absolutely nobody, absolutely no-one.

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 14, 2017

    I picked up one of his habits and vices – smoking cigarettes. The members of his inner circle who I met and knew for quite a while all treated me like I was mentally, etc…, defective or something similar to that – I’m using polite words here…. he called me a swearword derogatory name right to my face which he must have referred to me as behind my back without me knowing, without my knowledge to the members of his inner circle – so he was doing a smear campaign, slander and defamation of character about me to them and I didn’t even know that at the time but over the years now I have been having ruminating thoughts now of why they treated me so differently to him and to everyone else and why they treated me with scorn, contempt and disdain, patronized, condescended on me, spoke to me in mocking, scornful, contempt, disdain, patronizing, condescending ways and those types of tones of voices and why they spoke to me in such slow, long – winding and crystal clear, patronizing, condescending ways as if I was very, very dumb, stupid and as daft as a brush and why they would try to trick and fool me to believe the craziest things and trying to confuse me with 2 different things which could have similar connotations between the 2 different things and which could have puns attached to and between the 2 different things. He is a hypocrite. He called me a f*****g r****d. One of his 2 sisters is similar to me so she must be one as well too. I wonder why he never referred to his sister as being that too to me to my face. I never called him a hypocrite, I never called him out on his hypocrisy for that or for his double standards or for his hypocrisy for double standards. But I’m calling him a hypocrite and I’m calling him out on his hypocrisy right now. He is a hypocrite who is full of hypocrisy. His name is called Ryan. Ryan YOU are a hypocrite who is full of hypocrisy!!!. He is a sexually immoral person. He is into immoral and illegal sex.

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 14, 2017

    Ryan I will NEVER EVER respect you because you will NEVER EVER deserve it, because you will NEVER EVER deserve my respect!!!. You have NEVER EVER and you DON’T respect me, you should and must have ALWAYS, NOW ALWAYS, ALWAYS NOW and will ALWAYS respect me. I DON’T and I will NEVER EVER respect you because you have NEVER EVER and you DON’T respect me. I have NEVER EVER, I DON’T and I will NEVER EVER respect absolutely anyone who abuses, etc…, etc…, etc…,. me. I prefer and choose to wait for everyone else to respect me first before I respect them back. I choose and decide who it is that I will respect. Everyone must and should ALWAYS have, ALWAYS does, ALWAYS is, is ALWAYS and will ALWAYS, ALWAYS will respect me because I have ALWAYS, I ALWAYS do, I ALWAYS will, I will ALWAYS 100% totally deserve it. Everyone must and should have NEVER EVER, DOESN’T and will NEVER EVER respect you Ryan because you NEVER EVER, you DON’T and you will NEVER EVER 100% totally NOT/NEVER deserve everyone’s respect. You have NEVER EVER, you DON’T and you will NEVER EVER respect me or everyone else.

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 14, 2017

    I have just realized that I have been treated as a doormat, mug, fool, a pushover and a soft-touch by all of these people and that they have taken full advantage of, influenced, manipulated, abused, used, put overwhelming pressure on, put me under overwhelming pressure of me and of my unconditional love, sincerity, loving, caring, nice, kind, helpful, considerate, altruistic, thoughtful, mindful, trustworthy, honest, truthful, naive and vulnerable nature because of my big beautiful, soft heart. They have tried to gain leverage over me to use against me – all of this has happened to me in my life since from the first 1 or 2 years of my life when I was just a baby right up to now as a 33 year old lady. How do I stop and prevent them from treating me like this in this way?. Do I need to change or alter my behaviour and/or have an attitude adjustment? I am focusing too much on them because I haven’t started the healing process yet as I financially cannot afford to buy Melanie’s NARP Program or her QFH yet. So alot of trauma and mixed all negative emotions and feelings keep on rising to the surface and bubbling away inside of me and I don’t know how to erase it or release it or what to do about it or even how to fully heal myself or even start the healing process. From time to time I can get triggered quite alot. I feel anger, bitterness, rage, fury, wounded, hurt, pain, suffering, misery, sadness, sorrow, depression, anguish, torment, trauma, torture, turmoil, cannot trust people, suspicious, cautious and wary of people, social anxiety, sometimes emotionally distance myself from people, I’m beginning to guard my heart, emotions and feelings from people and always be on guard and never let my guard down. There’s been times when I’ve been triggered and then the peptides switch on hellbent on and going hell for leather on getting their next fix. Anger is the negative emotion that pops up alot in relation to the Narcissistic abuse I experienced from my Narcissists, abusers, bullies and villains. It’s the first emotion I feel regarding the Narcissistic abuse. After a while it simmers down and it goes straight back down to the bottom and I no longer feel the anger, but it hasn’t shifted or been released, I haven’t been healed from it, it is still there in my body/psyche, and it does rise up to the surface, bubbling away and I feel it strongly and I feel anger negative emotion whenever I get triggered. I start reminiscing about the past, memories of Narcissistic abuse soon get remembered, I think about my past/memories and then the anger comes and I feel and experience the anger so strongly. From time to time memories of Narcissistic abuse from my past keep popping up – I don’t understand that, it’s like I can’t control my own mind, my thoughts, my memories pop up into my mind whenever they feel like it, whenever they want and it’s like they all have a mind of their own, it’s like my mind has a mind of it’s own – unbelievable!!!. Very invading and intrusive thoughts and memories invade and intrude in on my mind which is beyond my control. These thoughts and memories pop up into my mind whenever I get and feel triggered too and then the mixed negative emotions – anger first, all come rushing to the surface. Is this normal, is this a natural and understandable reaction for every victim, does every victim feel like this, does this happen to every victim or am I psychotic or something? as I’m extremely worried-sick about all of this. Please help me.

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 15, 2017

    I have intrusive thoughts which are involuntary, unwelcome and distressing for me, I feel haunted by the painful, traumatic memories which must be psychological trauma that I’m suffering from, I probably suffer from painful, traumatic thought and memory flashbacks, probably OCD and probably PTSD or Complex PTSD. Now I need to present my symptoms to my GP doctor and ask my GP doctor to refer me to a psychologist and/or a psychiatrist who can assess me and diagnose me as having these things. I’m on Quetiapine tablets for my Depression. I suffer from Depression. Depression is a mental illness/mental health problem. If I do suffer from any or all of the other things then I will have to be put on specific tablets of specific medications/medicines.

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    T.
    October 15, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    Please help, I’m sad. N relationship ended nearly year ago, no contact, done narp and “inner child work”. So far so good. And then yesterday, oh why oh why…I felt the need (pure curiosity) to “spy” his facebook profile. I myself don’t even use facebook. When I suddenly saw his face…all these feelings came flooding back. I mean, the good feelings. How good and romantic times we often had etc.: Suddenly I painfully missed him 🙁
    I was angry with myself, I “can’t” feel this way anymore, or I “shoudn’t”, I thought I was already done with the healing work! I can’t be back to “square one” again!!
    What irritated me: There he is looking very good (yes, it doesn’t make this any easier that indeed he happens to be a gorgeous, “brad pitt -look alike” sexy surfer, smiling, looking happy in pictures. Our break up has (I think) not affected him at all, nothing, zero. And I’ve struggled months with depression, confusion etc., to come back “alive” and normal again. All this, while he has been happily carried on with his life, with “business as usual”. Its’ hard to accept he doesn’t care about me at all, he acts like I/we never existed.
    And he seems to have got many “friends” (facebook) and is happily chatting with them and getting nice comments, and answering them politely. Just like all the normal people would do as well! I’d just like to scream, don’t these people really know or can’t see what he really is, a really sick and unbalanced person!? Someone, whose emotional age is about 5 years.
    I bet his male friends have never seen anything “unusual” in him. I believe he is also able to be “normal” at work, with his clients etc. Sometimes I feel, I was the (only) one with who his craziness and inhumane behaviour came into surface…and the “logical” thought that follows is of course: did I triggered/caused that behaviour in him? Was it my “fault”? What if he really is a Mr Nice guy and I’m the “troubled one”? What if he really is having a really good times in his life and not at all having this inner turmoil and conflict that you have describded in your articles? I think I already know your answer and the truth 🙂 But still…why this still happens…that I doubt myself, and see me as the “bad one” and he as the “good one”?

    Well, now if I use common sense…don’t all people, n or not, only send good and happy pictures about themselves to facebook? How they really feel inside about themselves and their lives, and whether these people who “like” them…they might not even know them at all?? Is this all one more fake illusion?

    Also, I thought, will the n exes ever become completely neutral to us? I doubt that. I mean, looking at his photo, or for example a photo of a bottle of milk or hair spray or something like that…of course his photo will always have a stronger impact 🙂 I think you will say, that I just need to release the trauma and do narp work, but I’ve already done so much 🙁 He never misses me, and did not needed to do any healing work, he did not needed any time to recover after the relationship…yeah, I guess that was irritating me. Also it makes me sad, when I think, could it be possible that he will have better “success” in a relationship with some other woman than me, someone who is probably stronger and more confident than me; can some other woman get a “better version” (“more normal version”) of him than me? That thought hurts my heart, so I guess I’m still not yet 100% over him? 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 15, 2017

      Hi T,

      I really want you to know sweet lady “That EVERYTHING is happening FOR us.”

      This is totally my take on this – there was no mistake in you looking, getting triggered and having a huge (as yet) unhealed wound surface. The reason this all fell into place is because you are now meant to go forward into the next amazing level of your Life without these wounds, and they needed to come up to be released so you could.

      And that is PERFECT!

      Yoy are SO not back at square one, truly! All that is needed is for you to use NARP Modules go inside and load up and release this trigger, “he doesn’t care about me and just got on with his life” plus all the other traumas which have surfaced (it’s time to REALLY nail these) as well as all the self-judgement on how you feel right now and then you will be even freer. More free of the connection to him (and people who represent him) and even more free to be open and able to receive a True Love who is healthy and evolutionary for you.

      And that is the choice, stay in your head and try to battle it there – or REALLY REALLY clean this up within your Inner Identity.

      Exactly what you have named is what you need to courageously face, meet and load up and release out of your body – and take down (with NARP shifts) any of the ego blocks that try to stop you doing it.

      Yes, you were right T, I was always going to state this to you because I’ve been there myself and with so many others and I know there is nothing else to do.

      You’ve got this T …

      Mel xo

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        T.
        October 16, 2017

        Thank you Melanie, you are such a sweetheart offering support <3 Despite having been through so much drama because of him, I have not lost my sense of humour. I worked many years in a zoo, and people often asked about wild animals as pets. I really thought about that…trying to have a n as a "normal partner", is equal like having a wild animal at home as a pet! It just doesn't work, because it is not meant for that purpose!! Sooner or later, it will be triggered for whatever reason and will attact, even kill, and at least cause harm and mess 🙁

        The ending of our relationship was so shocking, that that incident actually opened my eyes for the very first time, that he has some serious mental health problems…and the I googled n's…Uff. Everything made "sense", unfortunately. Some minor missunderstanding, and he exploded and has not talked to me ever since. (or some insults, and threats, yes). Silent treatment was his favourite "punishment". If a man really loves a woman, he will not give up easily, normal couple would talk and clear any possible missunderstandings, right…? But he was acting like a 5 years old with a tantrum, like "I will not play with you anymore!". It was horrible.

        Normal people, like me, do want to have "the talk", and a clousure. I'd love to explain myself, and say I appreciate the good times we shared and express my feelings about this case, that he made me feel bad/confused and that sometimes relationships do end, but I think our 3 years relationship would have deserved a little bit "prettier" ending and so on and so on. Like I have this humane need to be "heard". Like get a peace of mind, let me go on with my life and he with his life.

        So this is my question to you, is it a good idea to compose to him this kind of a letter/email? I trust you as my highest n authority, so if you think it is not a good idea, I will not do it! 🙂 Or is it so, that he actually gets "power", n supply, about this fact, that I feel of having "no clousure", confused, things are "not finished" etc. etc.? IF he does, then he indeed is disgustingly sick person! I thought of him as "the one", my lovely boyfriend, a dream come true, and I could tell him all my secrets, all about me. I'm an eternal optimist and generally a positive person, but I must say this time the reality is very ugly 🙁

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 16, 2017

          Hi T,

          it is my pleasure, Dear Lady 🙂

          Oh Gosh how true – I agree! It is like having a crocodile as a pet and wanting it to roll over whilst you scratch its tummy!!

          Please know T that N”s are the trauma mirror they deliver EXACTLY what is our biggest wounds to heal.

          Mine were engulfment, control (outrages demands) and abandonment.

          Yours for now is “I don’t matter” … that’s what needs to be fully met by you and worked on until healed. And I promise you when done – you won’t KNOW yourself. You will blossom beyond recognition!! Yet it will be WHO you have truly been all along (without wounds).

          Hun, there is NO closure with him, all you are going to do is injure your inner child even more, when either he a) rejects you even more (at a soul level so that you don’t assign a false source to try to heal this inner wound) or b) he could use it as a hoover opportunity to muck with you some more (like a wild animal plays with a piece of meat) …

          Wuther way the trauma will be significant.

          Please know this sweetheart he is a catalyst ONLY – he is not even the person who set this wound up for you – he is merely replaying it for you. It came from childhood / epigenetically, past lives (or all of these)

          This wound is between you and you and Source – in your body – waiting for you to heal it.

          And if you don’t, the trauma with him will continue – and or he will be replaced by someone else (eventually) who will bring it home even harder to you so that you do turn inwards.

          I promise you, T, once you heal this, men will start turning reflecting back to you that you “matter” (and that might at the start drive you crazy and you need to heal that – because it is “unfamiliar”!). The total pattern will be done with.

          In regard to my partner, he is SO not engulfing or controlling. In fact, he is SO trustworthy and allowing sometimes I can’t believe it! Also, there is NO way he abandons me! He is like a rock when things get a little pear-shaped. He is 100% committed and unconditionally loving.

          The only reason he came into my life is because I worked so hard to heal everything that hurt with Ns (and other relationships) and also I healed enough to be able to accept a man who is these things.

          I realised after my excessive healing journey that before then there is no way I could have.

          I hope this helps inspire you T, the only way is through sweetheart – and the longer we put it off the longer it takes to come home. Every time we look at “them” for the solution we are driving in the wrong direction into Wrong Town and more pain.

          Mel xo

          • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
            T.
            October 16, 2017

            You are absolutely right!! I’m not even angry to him, or think “how horrible he is, what he did”. I like to think lovingly, that he is a bridge, which leads me “back to the real me” and real love.
            Heh, I can’t even tell you how many times people have asked me, “is it possible for a human being to go inside to the tiger’s cage?”. Even adults ask this! Gosh. I think entering a tiger’s cage is a good metaphora for entering a relationship with a n. It can’t end well!! :/

            Using common sense, maybe I should just stop watching photos of him, if they “trigger” me too much? Like if someone is a recovering alcoholic, going to a bar and be surrounded with drinking people and alcohol might not be a good idea? 😀

            Very good insight, I think that is exactly my wounding, “I don’t matter”. When I see him in photos, hanging around, having a good time with other “sexy surfers”, I feel: “I’m abandoned, not wanted, I do not belong, I’m an outsider”. Ouch, exactly I used to feel as a child/teenager. Isn’t it amazing! :/

            Also, I think, from the biologial point of view…having sex with a man and being intimate, I think it also creates a strong bonding, even hormonal changes, that makes the brain believe “now, this is the one!”. Of course all these things about wounding and traumas is true (why I attracted him in the first place), but I think what makes it difficult to detach from him (and for all of us, in a similar situation), is that such a deep “bonding” happens in so many different levels.

            Anyways, thank you Melanie! <3

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            October 17, 2017

            Hi T,

            I truly would hun go straight to those wounds and shift – because it is totally true that what hurts us now only can when we have unhealed corresponding wounds within us – that are in repeat.

            If we don’t go inwards to heal them then life will simply keep delivering them. Yes, you could avoid everything that brings them – but they will come and “get you” down the track anyway … because your soul wants you to live free of these traumas.

            If you take this golden opportunity to self-partner and heal with NARP then not only will your entire love frequency shift – you will have no care in wanting to look at him anyway. The spell will be broken.

            Yes, there is a bonding – but that is minimising this opportunity and what it is truly about.

            Mel xo

          • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
            T.
            October 17, 2017

            Dear Melanie, thank you so much for your time and help!!!!
            Actually yesterday I did one narp session (the “shorther” version), focusing in everything I’ve written here and really focus on this unpleasant thought/belief “I don’t matter”. But I’m not sure if I’m doing everything right…I do intended to “go straight to the wounding” like you say, do the session…but during it my mind wanders, and then I’m not sure if I’m only “imagining” things, or have really managed to shift this once and for all…? I don’t really feel “different” afterwards, or I don’t know, at least a little bit more relaxed…:)

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            October 18, 2017

            Hi T,

            that is great you are going to that!

            T, what you really require is some ongoing coaching and support with NARP … and this is not really the Forum for it. Where that does take place is in the NARP Member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

            It really is an invaluable resource for NAP members and it is a lifetime free membership with GOld NARP and if you are a Silver Member you can easily upgrade by emailing support@melanietoniaevans.com

            Mel xo

  • plinky.plonk@yahoo.co.uk'
    Laura
    October 16, 2017

    Dear Mel
    I love your articles and have learned so much from them. However, most of my encounters with narcissists were not in the context of romantic relationships but professionally or as teachers or within circles of friends. Sometimes I would like to hear some perspectives of dealing with narcissists in non-romantic contexts (because apparently i still keep attracting them into my life…. :9). Thanks and xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 16, 2017

      Hi Laura,

      Sure! I’d love to – I certainly I will do more on that topic.

      Please do know – with AN narcissist – the healing is always the same. It’s about cleaning up our inner programs that are related to fear, trauma, violation, and then we are able to emerge powerful with great boundaries and can then shine such a powerful a light that they simply cannot and will not be in our experience.

      Please know there is no dealing with “them” … it is always about dealing with our own inner traumas. Then we deal healthily regardless of who anyone else is or isn’t being.

      Many people have worked the NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to heal the pattern of non-romantic N’s in their life.

      Mel xo

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 16, 2017

    I am a very introspective person and after reading your article Trauma Bonding which you put in your comment message to me it resonated to me personally because I found that my paranoid Schizophrenic, Narcissistic traits, abusive, using, manipulative, thief, lying, drug addict, smoking, sexually immoral, promiscuous, sex – mad, commitment – phobic, gangsta rap/hip-hop thug/gangsta, Tupac 2Pac Shakur fan, etc…, ex – boyfriend was such a toxic person and our true romantic love and sexual relationship was just a waste of my time, energy and effort. He took advantage of my naivety, vulnerability and my big beautiful soft, tender, gentle heart and nature. He used and manipulated me for sex and for my own money they were Narcissistic Supply for him. I was an obsessive lover/girlfriend who pursued him, I wanted to be physically with him 24/7 every single day and every single night, he wanted his own space – to physically be with me and see me either 2 or 3 or 4 days a week and spend 2 or 3 or 4 nights a week with me, we lived apart from each other, I viewed what he wanted his own space as unfair, unreasonable, selfish and self – centered. He lived over 1 mile away from me. My expectations and values family values of our relationship were to progress into us living together with each other in our own home, getting married, cleaving/united to each other, starting our own family and spending the rest of our lives together with each other until we were elderly unto our deaths but he didn’t want to have any of that, instead, all he expected from me and the relationship was sex and my own money, he didn’t want me at all and he wanted nothing else because he was a commitment phobic who was probably fearful of or just didn’t want 100% commitment. His other ex – girlfriend who has Psychosis and is a drug addict and smoker herself was also his Narcissistic Supply like I also was to him too – I was his Narcissistic Supply, she was sniffing around him and me and him physically together saw her quite abit. I was lovesick over him, I was inseparable to him, when he was physically away from me I had extreme separation anxiety over him, the moments leading up to him dumping me and ending our relationship where we had loud rows and arguments about his commitment issues and where he was insulting me, calling me names, shouting and swearing at me, verbally and emotionally abusing me, etc…, he took me down to some profoundly dark places of trauma, torment, torture, pain, misery, depression and suffering deep down within and inside of me. Then when he ended our relationship and shortly after physically walking out of my house I would go into full-blown panic attacks, I was panic – stricken, I was physically restless rushing around my home sobbing my heart out uncontrollably getting myself and my things together very quickly to leave the house and to chase after him then when I catched up to him we had loud rows and arguments in the streets, I would be crying begging him and pleading with him to physically come back to my house with me and to come back to and restart our relationship again but he always refused everytime. For days or for a week or for over a week I would pursue him, always going up to his house – he was in supported living accommodation and I had a council flat, knocking on his front door, on some occasions he opened his front door to me, and I would be crying trying to encourage him to restart our relationship but he always refused and gave very assertive almost aggressive firm NO’s, then he would threaten to call the police on me if I didn’t leave the area immediately, so I left and I would be crying my eyes out walking home very quickly. I get addicted to and become obsessed with men and my relationships with them. I was addicted to and obsessed with Ryan and with our relationship. My heart rules my head when it comes to true love and romance, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I fall in love with different men so easily. I give men my true, sincere, unconditional love heart. Then about 1 – 2 weeks later he would text or call me and ask me to meet him in 30 – 45 minutes time outside the recreational drug/high’s shop so I’d go and meet him, he would ask me for £20 – £30 in cash so that he could buy some drugs, so I would put cash in his hands, he went inside the shop I waited outside then after he left the shop he would take one drug with a can of coca cola or diet coke then I would be begging him and pleading with him to come back to our relationship and restart it again, he thought about it, then he would say yes which filled me with joy and happiness. We would have a few days or a week or just over a week of joy, happiness and heaven. Then he would start acting weird by being emotionally and physically distant towards me, then he would do the sociopathic, intimidating and threatening stare on me which made me feel panicky, scared, intimidated, threatened and uncomfortable. He would create an argument, row out of absolutely nothing in his mind, then drag me into it with him which he did deliberately just so that he could insult me, call me names, shout, swear at me, verbally and emotionally abuse me, physically abuse me, do domestic abuse, domestic violence on me, take me down to the profoundly dark places of trauma, etc…, deep down within and inside of me, make me cry my eyes out and then I would beg him and plead with him to stop behaving like that, to stop doing that because he was breaking my heart and then he would dump me end our relationship and then my heart would be broken and I would be heart – broken broken hearted. This vicious cycle was extremely repetitive. I was physically, emotionally and mentally drained of my life force energy, my sexual, etc…, energy. I believe he was a psychic and sexual vampire. Our relationship started from either July or August 2012 to February 2013. We got together and broke up very many times, I never dumped him or ended our relationship even once. I nearly lost my mind, I self-sectioned myself into a psychiatric hospital that was in another city for 1 or 2 days then I left, I left the city and went back to my house in my hometown. The vicious circle with Ryan repeated itself a few more times then I went or self-sectioned myself into a mental hospital in another city that was different to the other city where I was in a psychiatric hospital. Then I left and came back to the town in which both me and him live in. Then the vicious cycle went on and on and on. I never spent Christmas or New Year with him so I wanted to spend Christmas 2012 New Year 2013 with him but he said he would spend all of that time going with his older brother up to Wales where their mother live. I complained to Ryan that we had never spent Christmas or New Year together and that he had spent lots and lots of Christmases and New Years with his family of origin in the past, but he was so defiant, obstinate, stubborn, selfish and self-centered and he always got what he wanted, always got his own way with me. He manipulated me into just letting him spend Christmas and New Year with his family of origin up in Wales, U.K – British Isles. That broke my heart too and I experienced extreme severe separation anxiety.

  • christinemrussett@gmail.com'
    Christine
    October 16, 2017

    He would yo-yo between me and his other ex girlfriend, he would go from girl to girl. I knew she was in love with him like I was in love with him because one time she and 2 other people approached us and she must have seen me and Ryan holding hands and both me and Ryan told her and the other 2 people who she was with that we were boyfriend and girlfriend and that we were in a relationship with each other and then I saw the look of heartbreak and pain on her face, crying very slightly and very quietly with her eyes and skin around her eyes looking moist with a teardrop as she was looking at Ryan. In 2013 I nearly lost my mind, did antisocial behaviour in public places, etc…, was arrested by the police went to court and I ended up living in another city – between 20 – 30 miles away from my hometown and I lived there for alittle over 2 years with a 2 years restraining order and I lived a few months in another different city. Whilst living in the first city the vicious cycle of our relationship continued, he dumped me and ended our relationship and then time became my best friend. I fell out of love with him, no longer obsessed, addicted, interested in him or in our relationship. I was healed, my broken heart and emotions were all healed, my emotional wounds healed, no longer going down to the profoundly dark places of trauma, etc…, deep down within and inside of me anymore. Time itself 100% totally healed me of everything. Time is a great healer, absence makes the heart forget. When my 2 years restraining order ended I moved out of the city and moved back to live in my hometown the town where me and Ryan both live. I have been living here for alittle over 2 years now and he has come up to visit me at my house and we have been civil to each other and we talked generally, we didn’t talk about our past relationship. If he were to ask me to be his girlfriend again and to restart our relationship again, I would give an assertive firm NO!! because I’m not in love with him anymore, I’m not interested in him anymore, I don’t want to be his girlfriend or be in a relationship with him because I don’t want to be emotionally, mentally, verbally, physically abused, used, manipulated, taken advantage of, treated as a doormat, mug, fool, soft – touch, pushover, Narcissistic Supply, sworn, shouted at, insulted, called names, being stared at, made to feel scared, intimidated, threatened, uncomfortable, etc…, I don’t want to fall back in love with him, I don’t want to be made worthless, I don’t want him creating competition between me and his other ex – girlfriends where we are his love rivals who are vying for his attention, affection, love, I don’t want him to deliberately create rows and arguments in his mind for nothing just to grant him golden opportunities for him to end our relationship and emotionally and mentally annihilate me, I don’t want him telling me what to do, controlling, domineering and dominating me, I don’t want to listen to his scorn, contempt, disdain, ridicule, mockery, disrespect, rudeness, cruelty of me, I don’t want him negatively and harshly criticizing and condemning me, I don’t want to listen to him telling me that I must/should respect and pay, give respect to other people first before they respect and pay, give respect to me, I don’t want to listen to his hypocrisy about double standards. He is a hypocrite who is full of hypocrisy when it comes to double standards. He falsely accused me of doing double standards, – he did Projection of that onto me – a red flag of NPD. I don’t want him falsely accusing me of doing double standards or of doing anything else that I’m not doing. He does double standards. He didn’t want me doing double standards and he said I was doing double standards and that he wanted me to stop doing it but I never did double standards during the whole duration of our relationship. He was lying…… He did create competition between me and his other ex – girlfriend to be his love rivals vying to be in a relationship with him, to have his undivided attention, affection and love. I don’t want to fall back in love with him so that he can emotionally and mentally annihilate me and hurt me in every way, shape and form. I don’t want him telling me how I should treat other people. I am keeping my heart, emotions and feelings safe, always guarding them and never letting my guard down because I am 100% totally free of all of that now and I am 100% totally happy about that and because I never ever want to go through that experience again. He was argumentative, confrontational and extremely defensive. He future faked with me saying we would start and raise a family together and then later on finding out he had been future faking with me all along the whole time. Another time he made sure I was put onto contraception by my GP doctor so we made a doctor’s appointment and we both attended my doctor’s appointment and he came into my doctor’s office with me and my doctor for my doctor’s appointment. He always made me physically take my contraceptive pills with water right in front of him at the times when I had to take it because he always wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t get me pregnant whenever we had sex and to make sure that I wasn’t throwing them away and pretending that I took them when actually I didn’t. I found out that he future faked with me of starting and raising a family with me when about a week later he told me that he was sniffing lighter fuel aerosol and that that prevented him of him getting me pregnant. The whole week he was sniffing it right in front of my very eyes and I didn’t even know or realize it. He had tricked me. He had male contraception for himself – con****. When I think about him I have emotions of anger, resentment, bitterness, rage, fury, hatred, defiance, rebellion coming up to the surface but the peptides don’t switch on to get their next fix. When I’m triggered and I have intrusive thoughts and memories of my older textbook malignant cerebral covert Narcissist stepdaughter who plays the victim, her malignant cerebral covert Narcissist biological mother who plays the victim and my stepdaughter’s (older than my stepdaughter) malignant somatic covert Narcissist female best friend who plays the victim, mixed all negative emotions rush to the surface and the peptides switch on waiting for their next fix. I don’t understand why the peptides don’t switch on waiting for their next fix when I have intrusive thoughts of Ryan but they do when I’m triggered and I have intrusive thoughts of my stepdaughter, her biological mother and my stepdaughter’s female best friend. Another reason why I don’t want to be Ryan’s girlfriend or be in a relationship with him is because I’m a married woman and Ryan knows that I’m married because he has met my husband. I come to you Melanie because of your wise counsel, knowledge and understanding of NPD. Thank you very much for everything. Without you, we – your Thriver Community would remain unhealed. With you we are healed and enjoying life to the max and living our lives to the full. You are a credit to your work of NPD, of NPD investigations and to every single one of us – the Thriver Community. Your such a lovely lady. From Christine xo

  • wbkennish@rogers.com'
    Gwen
    October 17, 2017

    Hi Melanie – I find your posts very helpful, very enlightening and always great about bringing it back to our own role, responsibility and healing.

    One thing I was interesting in hearing a bit more about what the relationship between Narcissistic Injury and Entitlement – their inter-connectiveness. Also I’m interested in learning more about Narcissistic Injury and not getting hooked in by (ignoring) their punishing (deliberately) behavior.

    Lastly, one of the things my Narcissist used to say to me was: “I don’t like feeling like I’m letting you down.” as opposed to “I don’t like letting you down.” At the time, before I knew much about narcissism, I remember thinking what a bizarre construction of a sentence that was – he wanted to stop feeling badly; as opposed to stop doing anything that was hurtful.

    Thanks so much for all the work you’ve done in this area – my healing has accelerated exponentially because of it!

    Gwen

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2017

      Hi Gwen,

      I would love to do something on “Narcissistic Injury” that really is a great suggestion.

      Yes, that is an interesting observation- absolutely.

      You are so welcome Gwen and I am so pleased I could help and that you are doing so well 🙂

      Mel xo

  • btdnyc@yahoo.com'
    BD
    October 17, 2017

    Hi Melanie – I am a long time reader, but have never commented. I felt compelled to do so after this episode. It is as much for the content as for my current state of mind. I am married to a N and have been in the relationship for eight long years. Lately I have felt more hopeless than ever. I am a broken, empty shell of a person. I am enduring both physical and mental abuse, but I find it’s the latter that is the most difficult. Cuts and bruises heal, but the mental scars run very deep.

    The sense of entitlement is hands down one of the most infuriating aspects of this despicable disorder. It is truly maddening. That and the double-standards, lack of accountability, constant gas-lighting and general insanity! It is hard for anyone who hasn’t had the displeasure of being in a close relationship with a N to understand. You are incredibly insightful and your grasp of just how toxic these people are amazes me. You have helped me to feel a bond, when otherwise there is only isolation. I am trying to find the strength to pick myself up and get away from this for good, but for the many reasons you have explained, I know that I am an active participant in my own destruction. That is something I MUST work hard to overcome.

    Please keep keeping on. I think you are a beautiful person, on the inside and out and I hope you know how important your work is to folks like me. I am glad that you found your smile again. I hope that someday I will too. God bless.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 18, 2017

      Hi BD,

      oh gosh yes, you are so right, unless you had experienced it you couldn’t even begin to fathom it.

      I so send you strength, blessings and the desire to work on you to break free from all of this.

      I’d love you BD to come into one of my free webinars – it could be JUST the push and support you need: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I know you can do this and thank you for your love and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    October 19, 2017

    Hi!
    Now when the n relationship is over I’m learning all these things…One of toughtest aspects I think is this thought “was I (also) sexually abused?”.
    But I don’t know…I think it depends on the point of view…If (and when) I, as an adult woman, invited this man into my home, lead him into my bedroom (often :)), it was me myself who took off my clothes, so I pretty much signalled to him it is ok to have sex (and it was for me) and I clearly expressed him what and how I want to do and what not, and that no means no, and he respected these…so how on earth I was “sexually abused”? I refuse to be a victim!! 🙁

    Of course, the emotional aspects are even tougher…I really thought it was real love, a real loving relationship was forming and so on, you know all these normal things. And now, to learn, he most likely never felt anything, and is even incapable to love…it’s unbelievably horrible!

    It’s confusing…I have read stories from the news, about men who are like “professional” abusers, con artists, who can appear very genuine and then later the truth comes out that that they had created a “fantasy world”, that they had lied about their education, work, status, pretty much everything.
    This n I was with, it’s confusing because the things he told me about his life, and I know this with 100% certainty, that where he lives, his work, work place, hobbies, friends, daughter…like these were actually facts, the truth. So he appeared to be a perfectly normal person, in real life, living a normal life. Yet he was incredibly cruel, missleading, controversial, inconsistent, very harmful to be honest.

    I’m confused, and often feel “I don’t know what to think about this”…but I guess this is a very normal reaction at this point. It IS deeply confusing, when someone behaves in a bizarre, inhumane way! 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 19, 2017

      Hi Anna,

      my heart goes out to you, because there are things about abuse, especially when covert, that we could spend a lifetime trying to figure out.

      After having lived both ways – trying to figure out “him” (who could be SO loving and SO cruel – as well as all the other crazy terrible things he was capable of doing) never gave me any peace, relief or healing.

      However, when I turned inwards to look at and heal my patterns of not being connected to and loving myself, and handing power over to people trying to get love – the reason WHY someone who delivered so much pain had become my husband – made SO much sense and the healing of myself began.

      I’d love you to come into my webinar Anna, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar so that you find the way to stop hurting and start healing.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Anna
        October 21, 2017

        Dear Melanie,

        I’ve been thinking this long and hard…I believe, or want to believe, that n’s, as men, are attracted to us, as women, just like all the normal men. I think they do like/want to be in a relationship and probably have a “mental concept” how normal relationships are “supposed” to be, but they just don’t have the ability to maintain a normal relationship. And when the relationship of course fails, it is always the partners (like my) fault.

        Once we were sitting on the sofa, I was sooo in love and he said “I have met so many beautiful women and then later found out they are completely crazy”. I thought “lucky you, you have found ME, I’m normal and will not suddenly start to express insane behaviour”. I should have known that was a red flag! I bet he now tells to his future partners, re. me, that “she was such a sweet and wonderful girl and then she started to become crazy and difficult”. Yeah right! But this does not upset me, because now I know the truth. He is delusional. The future partners will see the truth sooner or later too.
        It’s unbelievable how he could often say “it is important to treat other people with respect. I have a lot of respect to the other people”…and then his behaviour towards me was…uh-huh, quite the opposite!

        I think this ” who could be SO loving and SO cruel”…I think the n can genuinely like our company etc., but then he behaves hurful ways and hurts us, is because he has so much his OWN inner pain and “garbage”. He needs to dump the garbage somewhere and what better place than use us as a landfill! He does not have the inner tools to deal with his pain, so he rather transfers that “stuff” to us, and then it becomes “our problem”. This sounds horrible and sick, but realising this was actually a huge relief for me! Now I know I don’t have to take that craziness personally. It is what it is.

        When someone dies or a relationship ends etc., what is comforting is all the beautiful memories. With n, it is very disturbing, because I’m not sure do I have any “memories” at all, or were they all fake, like movie scenes. It is absolutely crazy-making and I’ve spent hours thinking about this “was he genuine in that and that and that moment?”…or never at all?
        Like once I made lunch, we were eating and he said “food tastes better when it is made by you”. What a sweet comment 🙂 So yeah, very confusing, often I felt he was “present” in a moment, genuine, well, a nice boyfriend.

        He once sent me a text message (after the “honeymoon”, when his craziness had already begun), “God knows I do not want to hurt you or cause you pain”. I have actually saved that message and now remembering it brings tears into my eyes. I really, really thought about it now…on the surface he did caused a lot of pain, but if it indeed is so that this all is somehow divinely ordered… then his purpose in my life was indeed not to hurt me, but to help me grow, learn some life lessons. It’s a beautiful thought.

        By the way, when I’ve done now some “soul searching”, thinking about my childhood etc., it is unbelievably amazing to see, that this n relationship was an EXACT replica, like a laser-sharp copy of my childhood woundings and limiting/false beliefs about myself!! It is truly amazing to see how this all happened.
        Like it annoyed me when he was so “normal” and devoted, good, to his teenager daughter, and I was unfairly treated and punished, without no reason (yes, endless silent treatments…). Well, guess what happened in my childhood…My sisters (I felt) were more special than me to my parents, better treated, their “favourites” and I was often the scapegoat and punished, even when I did nothing to deserve that.
        When I realised this, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. What is also truly amazing, the more I connect with the truth, the real me and heal…the more the n loses his grip on me!

        But I still want to “save” a couple of sweet memories about him/us, I hope it is ok? 🙂 You know, like saving some old clothes that I will never wear anymore, but I want to save them anyway…Maybe someday when the time is right I’ll be ready to throw them away as well… 🙂

        Thank you Melanie for this “amazing awareness” work!! I’m just amazed and grateful!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 21, 2017

          Hi Anna,

          everything you have written is so true – as is when we go inside to start healing our original trauma, the N gets less and less impactful in our memories of our life and eventually only becomes “the impactful catalyst who led me to me true healing”

          I think when we remember the good times what IS healthy is to know that we do want these things in our life, and we CAN start becoming that level of care to ourselves. What we don’t want to do is remember these things as a “longing” that we can only get/feel from outside of ourselves and are reliant on from others.

          Because then we are going to be “empty” and continue to draw other “empty” people who appear as “fillers” but who are ultimately only going to supply us more emptiness.

          When we become that glorious filler to ourselves than the real, true people arrive.

          I hope this helps, and please know you are very welcome Anna.

          Mel xo

          • anna_elina@luukku.com'
            Anna
            October 23, 2017

            Hi Melanie,
            So true! This also came into my mind now: A n is a n. Like “only” a n, he is not a sadist (or I don’t know if some crazy ones are both at the same time!). I mean, the n is I think the slave of his ego, his first priority is to serve that. If someone else gets hurt as a “byproduct”…he doesn’t care. But I think hurting someone intentionally is not his intention in itself, like “consciously”, maybe that’s why n’s are not usually “instantly dangerous”?
            This thought actually helped me to get some more peace of mind. But of course it is horrible and now it has become clear to me that this kind of a person is hardly ideal for a normal relationship!
            But I’m fine…Finally light at the end of the tunnel! 🙂

        • smalltowndrama@gmail.com'
          RK
          December 10, 2017

          Hi Anna. Your message really “hit home” with me. We could be twins! My favorite N. line was when he said “I couldn’t bear the thought of pain or hurts coming to you because of me”. It worked great at the time, and I thought I had a really compassionate and loving man. Um, yeah right. The only difference I think is that my N’s honeymoon phase lasted a long time (about 3 years) but probably only because I moved 1200 miles away and while we talked daily, we only saw each other a few times a year.

          I had similar childhood issues as you and it makes better sense now.

          I’m on year 6 now and am finally making a break that will hopefully “stick”. Can’t take it anymore and am praying for strength and clarity. This site has been a God-send! Hang in there!

  • tombs@telus.net'
    Susan
    October 26, 2017

    The title of this blog says that Ns ARE entitled. They are not. Rather, they like to think that they are, and they also like to act AS IF they are. But the bottom line is, they are not entitled. Not at all. And until we realize that truth, we are still barking up the wrong tree.

  • vocalgirl16@yahoo.com'
    Jewel
    December 20, 2017

    Hi, I have realized that my sister has married a narcissistic husband and it is utterly exhausting being around him. He seems to always talk about himself. At first he was just annoying, but now he has targeted me. As in, always teasing me, joking with me, saying “he is going to beat me up” but then says he is only joking. I have told him several times that his joking bothers me and would he please stop and his response is to tell me “that is just who he is.” He also came up behind me in front of my sisters and my other brother n law and put his arm around my neck in a chokehold. It terrified me because I couldnt breathe for like 2 sec and tapped him on the arm and he loosened his grip. The next day I told him how much it upset me and he said “he didn’t even remember doing it.” But then two days later when he was over at my parent’s house with my sister, he made a joke about it motioning with his hands and asking if “he could put me in a chokehold again, just this once.” I said “no” very loudly and my sister got angry at me for getting angry at him for even asking such a question. Then a couple of days ago, I received a message from my sister inviting me over for taco salad and when i told her i would plan on coming, she responded in such a way that i knew it wasn’t my sister. So i called her and she said, “oh that was my husband who answered.” I told her how that upset me because when i text my sister, i want to know i’m texting her and not him. She then tells him i’m upset about it so he texts me and asks me why i’m so upset then he precedes to accuse me and turn the blame on me rather than just listening to what I have to say. Now, for four nights I have had terrible anxiety about it not knowing what to do. Going from believing that maybe I am overreacting to confirmation that I am not. I don’t trust him at all. I dont know what to do and am reaching out for help, because I do not like this situation I am in and would like very much to know what to do. Also, I didn’t know if there was anyway I could help my sister realize what he is doing by driving a wedge between me and her. He is planning on moving w her and their baby to a different state where he was orginally from in a year and I fear that once he leaves with her and the baby, we will never see her again.

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