Melanie Tonia Evans

The Key To Healing From Depression

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
58
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Today’s Thriver TV is a very important episode, and maybe one of the most crucial I have ever produced.

The reason is that all of us, I believe, have been touched by depression in some way. Maybe we have suffered from depression ourselves or know of someone else who gets struck down by it.

What is depression and how does it affect us?

Most of us have experienced depression as overwhelming feelings of despair and helplessness and “What is the use?”.

When it strikes it is excruciatingly difficult to carry out normal everyday functions. It may be so bad that we don’t want to get out of bed, and maybe we lose the ability to care and look after ourselves.

In this Thriver TV episode today I will reveal to you things that you may not have realised about depression, as well as how to heal it for real …  forever …  in order to become a person living free of depression rather than battling it continuously.

Frighteningly, depression seems to be increasing, and what is great is that we recognise depression, but what isn’t great is that there are all sorts of ways apparently to try to manage depression, but very few people are talking about what is REALLY causing the depression and how to treat THAT … so that people can TRULY be released from its painful grip.

I personally had suffered depression all my life – even before narcissistic abuse – and of course like so many of us horrifically during and after narcissistic abuse.

My heart goes out to you if you are still in this battle. And maybe you have felt like I did – that the depression was so terrible and so hard to overcome, that life is possibly too painful to live anymore.

However, as result of discovering what depression REALLY was, and how to address it and heal from it, I have never had depression since, and there is no battle to try to manage it.

It simply doesn’t exist.

I know that this very important video has the potential to release you from your depression as well.

Therefore, today, if depression is something you have been battling, or have battled in the past, I want you to get out your notepad and pen, and make sure you are in a comfortable chair and won’t be disturbed … because I am going to take you through exactly what those steps are.

I so hope that the process in this video grants you the key to turn inwards, come home to yourself and emerge up and out of depression for good, just as it has for me.

I am so looking forward to having some very important conversations with you about this below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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58 Thoughts on The Key To Healing From Depression
  • Speaktok@gmail.com'
    Kristen Davis
    September 28, 2017

    I think this video just discovered for me what is missing. I have been doing the first module for a while, and feel like there is something that just won’t go. No matter how many times I let the junk and stuff get into the tornado that is created and sent back to source. I have wondered what it has been. This video just made me realize just exactly what it is that has been making me feel that I am just, not.

  • lynnette1940@hotmail.com'
    Lynnette Yorke
    September 28, 2017

    Hi Melanie….WOW!!! Powerful topic….as I was writing down the key facts the last one just completely overwhelmed me and found myself very emotional….I now know what has been missing and would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 29, 2017

      Hi Lynette,

      I am so pleased this resonated deeply with you Dear Lady.

      Awww that is so wonderful you have connected to that now!

      Bless!

      Mel xo

      • Amyj1966@att.net'
        Amy Julo
        October 2, 2017

        So much helpful and life changing information. I would be lost without you and all your information and resources. I am curious to know one thing… Do u or does anyone know of any examples of a true narcissist changing themselves from within, through intensive therapy and intense personal change? I am not asking because I think mine will or that I am going to encourage mine to do so. I am simply curious for any statistics out there to illustrate a narcissist that has changed. If they exist. Thank you so much.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 3, 2017

          Hi Amy,

          I am so pleased I have been able to help.

          Amy, I truly do not know of one credible example … at this point.

          Mel xo

  • mrphil123@hotmail.com'
    Phil
    September 28, 2017

    Thanks Mel, the timing of this episode is just perfect. 😉

  • temata42@hotmail.com'
    Jacqueline
    September 28, 2017

    Thank you Melanie.
    This does make a lot of sense. I struggle with the accepting of what is happening right now in my life. There is so much that I have lost including my sense of identity, purpose and belonging. I struggle with accepting myself as I am – as my life is – right now, and previewing the future seem a bleak outlook.
    Thank you for reminding me that all is in divine order, that I need to to accept what is – and myself as I am now, not as I ‘should’ be or as life ‘should’ be – and see it as an opportunity to connect to myself. I don’t know what that truly feels like but it all does make sense.
    Thank you Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 29, 2017

      Hi Jacqueline,

      I am so glad it does.

      It is so funny that Jacqueline, we truly don’t know what that means until we make it our highest mission to do that – as our only true mission.

      Then we start knowing “what it is” – I promise you.

      Mel xo

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    September 28, 2017

    This is going to be a long post…

    Mel, thank you very much for this video. I had been thinking to ask you about this, just didn’t know how. The reason is, I believe this is what I am struggling with, possibly since ever. The way and wording you talk here truly gets at the bottom of my pain as to be honest, I perceive the narc relationship as only a mere piece of this puzzle. This is also why I sometimes struggle to use QFH: it has become another condition. “If I don’t do x, I will never y”. “If I don’t fix this, I will never…”. Always dreaming of a moment when I will be “free” of my wounds and “then” my life will finally start. Well this is just making me worse. No wonder the module that gives me the most relief is mod 10 – Self love. I have worked with that instead of mod 1 or Goal as a “miscellaneous”, and it opens up some space for me. The thing is, when you have conditional love as a programming, even what you do to help yourself becomes a condition and it all becomes a feedback loop from hell. I call this “the healing paradox”. To change anything you must first accept that you might never change and that’s ok. I have come to understand this very well, but that’s where I am stuck. I am impatient, tired of dealing with the same pain since ever. I am starting the ESC course and I find it useful, but the resistances of wanting my situation to be different from what it is , and the anxiety to “perform” healing are honestly ruining it for me. So I’ve slown down.
    Can you suggest me a way, a mindset, an intention to approach QFH to overcome this paradox, please? I am so grateful you talked about that.
    It is difficolt to pinpoint exactly what I don’t accept, because there are day where I don’t accept anything. And the goalpost always shifts – so if I feel at peace with the financial situation, I might then feel unhappy with my social life etc. In the end I think that not accepting my whole life means I don’t accept my conditioning itself. I know it has been passed by people who didn’t know better; but I feel angry about this. I’m not talking only about my FOO. I feel I had so much potential and life force and I feel I have “wasted it” because of my own programming and lack of healthy role models. It was easier to see the narc experience as a blessing and a lesson, because it had a beginning and an end. More difficult to accept a lifetime of battling with myself, trying to get free and failing at it and beat myself more for it. What is the lesson with that? There is always a gap between what I want to do and be and what I actually am. Am I supposed to fill that gap or accept it? I have never managed to create a balance between the two.
    Thanks for listening. I’d love if you had some advice, as usual advice a lot of the time just doesn’t stick with me because of this very thing :/
    Lots of love xxx

    • nicolaneumann@gmail.com'
      Nicola
      September 29, 2017

      Hi Lady, I truly understand your point and it sounds so familiar. What helped me often was to realize that there are always various layers of thoughts and emotions that can cover the other. But it’s important to understand, that every layer is a part of us and it has a certain role. When we get stuck it’s most of the times a layer that works like a control person. This person says for example: “Are you still not ready?! You have to be careful that your life does not get out of control! You are already so weird…!” a.s.o. And when you observe this process carefully you realize, there’s another layer/person above this control person that is saying: “You should not have this controlling, you need to let go, you should not have controversial thoughts in your head, you need to concentrate….” So observing is the first step. Next step is to hinoring each person, not fight them, embracing them. Then ask them: “What is it about exactly that you are worrying?” If you don’t push them away but listen to them very quickly it melts away and normally you get to a sadness that is underneath. This sadness is maybe saying: “I am so desperate, I am so afraid that I do something wrong, I do so much my very best!” a.s.o. With this process you connect to your feelings and get out of your head and this helps to navigate out of your true nature/intuition without mind blocks. Later you can even smile when you notice the internal police men inside of you and you are able to say Hi! and let them pass because there’s no need to understand and listen to them deeper. Very useful for this practice is meditation, mindfulness practice and voice dialogue. Love Nicola

      • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
        Lady Jedi
        September 29, 2017

        Hi Nicola, I appreciate immensely your feedback. The several “layers” of policeman, you describe perfectly what goes on for me when I am in my darkest places. There are so many people at work there: a policemen controlling me, a policeman controlling the policeman, my reaction of anger towards both of them which quickly turns into sadness, and then despair and utter defeat and powerlessness that anything will ever change. That’s the cycle; more or less. I did have periods of time where I was out of this loop. Well, you know what, during those time, life generally works well for me. I can make things happen without epic inner battles. I see the good in what I have and I feel hopeful about what I don’t have. I can get recognition and lucky serendipity moments. That is “the natural state”…I know how it feels now, because I have felt it. Glimps of it; weeks, months, even a couple of years once. But then the cycle creeps back in, usually after certain types of trigger. I know it sounds weird, but in the aftermath of narc abuse, the pain I was experiencing was NOT my usual ride; it was actual, raw pain and although it wasn’t fun and pleasant, it did make easier for me to get back to my natural state. Now I got very triggered for the last month by a change of town. The place where I’m now has set anti-life in motion again, and it feels like the old familiar thing; possibly because it is the context of my old trauma. I am trying as you say to get to the layer underneath, the suffering; I am trying to tune in; I am not self avoiding. But I swear, the ego “middlemen” are on fire and I can’t get to the bottom of it. I somehow thought I couldn’t have never regressed like this, and I am beating myself up for it. I lost my sense of perspective again. I love that you are suggesting mindfulness, because I’ve been feeling for a while lately that I need that hugely. Accepting, being in the present moment, just being with no conditions or expectations to change anything. That’s the only thing that breaks the loop for me. But it’s like a muscle I have not developed…Thanks for your insight and empathy xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 29, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      You are very welcome … I am so pleased you are coming forth to ask this – because it is what so many others (I am sure) would love to know too.

      On this topic “the condition of x y” Sure we do not need to clear any pain to love ourselves, yet life is so much freer (it just is) when we clear our wounds.

      I understand what you are saying – and this is where our mind can jump in and trick us and complicate it all (mine used to do it all the time too). And the reason this happens is because our ego pain body – which is driven by the mind – would much rather us not work it out and get free because then it can’t exist ..

      Okay, so what I would do as one of the first things is target “the overactive mind” … and shift it. That goes like this “Somewhere in my body is the traumas of my overactive mind that are keeping me separated from being anchored in my body loving me unconditionally. These traumas are going to start lighting up. Where are they?” – and then start shifting them.

      Then I would target “My traumas of conditional love” … shift those too.

      This may help in regard to shortcutting the acceptance … I don’t really believe we have to go as far as “accepting” this may never change.

      That was never how I felt – I didn’t take it that far. My only acceptance was “I accept I am here right now on a glorious journey going through this trauma to evolve myself. And I wish to meet that trauma FULLY in my body and shift it out so that I get relief.” I went for FEELING ONLY, I was relieving my inner being and not being CONCERNED about what did or didn’t shift on the outside.

      I knew – truly (because I had seen Quantum Reality) that by ONLY making it our my inner feelings – and making them “King” that all else would naturally follow.

      Yet how funny – they would never need to – because the only reason we ever chased “outer” things was to get the “inner” feelings anyway.

      So it wasn’t about ANY circumstances changing – it was simply about loving myself enough to tend to my inner being.

      Does this make sense LJ?

      Talk to me!

      Mel xo

  • penny.white@outlook.com'
    Penny White
    September 28, 2017

    Melanie thank you again this makes so much difference to me right now.

    I have had a very conditional relationship with myself and been hard wired into living a life of hard work, struggle and painful experiences. I have been as you stated in ‘anti life’ for a very long time and this message made me realize it is because of a simple profound truth of not loving myself despite the circumstances. Very much like yourself at 40 I have lost out financially and now can see the pattern of being so hard on myself with money and not making the right choices with it and having that clinging belief in me and low and behold of course it was going to be depleted by circumstances on the outside that were stating ‘your being conditional with money’ what a wake up call. I have had a few too many ‘wake up calls’ over the last 2 years and now this depression has come to a holt.

    I also have had the same attitude with healing using the NARP approaching it like a job rather than love and that is what is creating so much resistance because I have felt like I have had to do it to love myself rather than what you stated in your video. Spot on about the body memories I experienced a rush of them when writing things down and it’s all trauma and much of it resentment towards my mother who was an array of personalities so much anger in me.

    I appreciate you and I have to say it again you really do know what your talking about – thank you.

    Penny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 29, 2017

      Hi Penny,

      you are very welcome and I am so pleased I could help!

      I am so thrilled for you Dear Lady you are connecting the dots and coming home to you.

      Sending much love and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • bev@blanman.co.uk'
    Bev
    September 28, 2017

    Thank you Melanie
    This is so helpful. Even as I went through the workshop I could feel a shift occuring. There are layers to work on and through, but accepting that it is shame over out peercieved failings that results in this depression – that it is a signal – means that healing is not only possible but inevitable once we accept ourselves with unconditional love and understanding.
    Thank you for your generosity in sharing this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 29, 2017

      Hi Bev,

      I am so pleased for you that you felt a shift!

      I LOVE that you feel the inevitability of healing now!

      Mel xo

  • Abcreativevisions@gmail.com'
    Aisling
    September 28, 2017

    Brilliant Melanie. Thank you

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    September 29, 2017

    What valuable information!
    Thank you for sharing this!
    I am going to pass this on to some friends that I know are struggling with depression.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 29, 2017

      Hi No Name,

      I am so pleased it resonated with you and thank you for passing on 🙂

      Mel xo

  • milicama09@gmail.com'
    Sandra
    September 29, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    I’ve been NARPing for almost a month now but I do it as a chore, no matter how much I love your program and how much I am fascinated with this energetic healing, when it comes to applying it to my wounds it feels hard, even torturous sometimes.

    I think that what you said here is exactly what must happen in order for me to start thriving for real, but I don’t know how to do that. I wrote down all you said and read it, but I don’t think that would be enough.

    Can you please tell us how to discover and release blocks that are on our way to love and accept ourselves as we are, and therefore start healing?

    Much love :* :* :*

    • congerkm@yahoo.com'
      Kathleen Sullivan
      September 29, 2017

      Hi Sandra,

      I struggled with the long sessions at first however, when I took Melanie’s advice and really set aside time for me, did the writing, and also engaged in the readings, and her videos, this is when my recovery started to happen. You are not a chore! You are important! Too many times woman put everything else first and are too tired when they try to work on themselves. That was me! Do for everyone and then doing for myself was a chore. Sandra you are so very important and I hope this helps your blocks.

      Best,

      Kathy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 1, 2017

      Hi Sandra,

      that is great that this resonated.

      Truly, Sandra, you have named it, it is about releasing EXACTLY Those blocks.

      You can do that with Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module … say to yourself “I am targeting the blocks to loving and accepting myself as I am. My body will light up with where the first block to this is … ” Feel it and then you are started … loading them up and shifting them.

      So often we can overcomplicate our healing – yet truly our NARP work is that literal when we realise we have a block to something.

      Does that make sense?

      Do that and you will start to come home – truly.

      Mel xo

  • congerkm@yahoo.com'
    Kathleen Sullivan
    September 29, 2017

    Melanie,
    Hi Melanie,

    I have been working with you since the summer. I work in the field of psychiatry and help so many people yet, have been in several of these types of relationships. My last one that I just left this summer was 16 years! Leaving him was horrid and if it were not for my best friend who also works in the field, and you…. I cannot say it would have ended well. I got healthier rapidly and when I have a bad day I tune in to your Thriver TV or do my work. I read a post, someone called you an angel and I believe you are! Not only are you helping me but, as much as I know about Ptsd and as intuitive as I am in helping others, this program has helped me grow as a clinician and I have helped in more depth then I could ever imagine. I have many woman in my work and personal life that struggle with this pain and I am soooo encouraging them to connect with you. You are amazing, you are changing lives and saving lives, never stop your work!

    Thank you so much,

    Kathy

  • susanh177@comcast.net'
    Susan
    September 30, 2017

    My depression is over a man who doesn’t love me. Just wants to be friends. I can’t let it go.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 1, 2017

      Hi Susan,

      are you willing to apply what was workshopped in this video?

      That truth you will come to, if you do, is one that can start to set you free Susan.

      Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    September 30, 2017

    Mel,
    An incredible video. Really touched me, and I’ve been NARPing before…Since listening to it, I find myself saying throughout the day: ‘I’m depressed but love myself anyway…’ But it got me thinking :
    What does loving myself mean?

  • hufsa_s90@hotmail.co.uk'
    Hufsa
    October 1, 2017

    This came to me at the right time, thank you so much for sharing Melanie. It’s helped me see that approaching modules in NARP can just be another manifestation of love, for self. It doesn’t need to be something where it ‘has to be done’ to move on from where I am. Why do I so desperately want to be someone else? Another version of me will still be…well, me. All the narcisists in my life have mirrored the conditional love I show myself. Ironically, accepting exactly where we are and letting go of resistance always ends up being the catalyst for wonderful change. And I needed reminding of this. If we are perfect as we are, then I am lovable anyway, unconditionally always.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 1, 2017

      Hi Hufsa,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      Your words are so very true.

      Many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • stellaafranchi@gmail.com'
    Stella
    October 1, 2017

    Dear Mel,

    I just did Mod10, after I listened to the video on depression, which was, unsurprisingly by now, exactly what I needed to hear at the perfect time as usual. This is how it is with the work you do and my healing process…it’s like a suscribed to heaven and heaven replies instantly,,,only that heaven is you :-). It was a very intense session, I felt a lot went on…like my body was being subtly operated on?…What I tend to feel is mainly sadness, disconnection, a feeling like I don’t belong here (this has nothing to do with the ex-narcs anymore, it goes way beyond that). I sometimes feel so lonely, in that I feel not many people “see” me. I have had that feeling for a long time, like my parents don’t really know me? (they were too self-involved (narc mum and alcoholic father)…My last relationship was to a narc 2 1/2 years ago, I have dated but not attracted “quality” men, I feel I have nothing to do with them, I do not get to attract anybody whom I would remotely fancy!!..so odd. Whilst, I’m fun, very social, keep fit, love going out and people like me, I don’t have many close friends…In re my exes I have had to adapt to them and I’ve not felt their wanting to go an extra mile for me, this is the reason why, I think, I haven’t lived with anyone since 2009…seems like a very long dry-spell… Truth is I long for the real thing but not with just “anyone”, hence all the self-partnering I have been learning to do in the last 2 and half years… Even though I enjoy being on my own a lot of the time I have massive surges of loneliness and disconnection, which I am trying to accept … Mel, it feels like I crash landed on this planet! sniff,sniff. Any thoughts Mel? In the interim, know that the gratitude and love that I feel everytime heaven replies is unmeasurable. Thank thank thank you. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 1, 2017

      Hi Stella,

      I am so pleased my work is in synch with and serving you Dear Lady.

      Oh gosh, ALL the things you have mentioned – I had those too … I promise with all my heart.

      Two things Stella, are you in the NARP Forum? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member because I can’t tell you how integral that resource will be for you … and also please know EXACTLY those feelings you have named. Target EXACTLY those in your body. Bring forth the charges on “THAT” and you will start shifting them up and out.

      You can use Module 1 and the Goal Setting Module for these and then, truly, just as I nad so many others have, you will change all of it.

      I so hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • stellaafranchi@gmail.com'
        Stella
        October 2, 2017

        Thank you Mel <3

        I have requested the support team for access to the forum, and yes, will target the pinpointed feelings as suggested.

        I need to be patient…and carry on.

        Much love xx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 3, 2017

          Hi Stella,

          my pleasure, and it is great that you have taken that action 🙂

          Mel xo

  • stellaafranchi@gmail.com'
    Stella
    October 1, 2017

    Dear Mel,

    I just did Mod10, after I listened to the video on depression, which was, unsurprisingly by now, exactly what I needed to hear at the perfect time as usual. This is how it is with the work you do and my healing process…it’s like I suscribed to heaven and heaven replies instantly,,,only that heaven is you :-). It was a very intense session, I felt a lot went on…like my body was being subtly operated on?…What I tend to feel is mainly sadness, disconnection, a feeling like I don’t belong here (this has nothing to do with the ex-narcs anymore, it goes way beyond that). I sometimes feel so lonely, in that I feel not many people “see” me. I have had that feeling for a long time, like my parents don’t really know me? (they were too self-involved (narc mum and alcoholic father)…My last relationship was to a narc 2 1/2 years ago, I have dated but not attracted “quality” men, I feel I have nothing to do with them, I do not get to attract anybody whom I would remotely fancy!!..so odd. Whilst, I’m fun, very social, keep fit, love going out and people like me, I don’t have many close friends…In re my exes I have had to adapt to them and I’ve not felt their wanting to go an extra mile for me, this is the reason why, I think, I haven’t lived with anyone since 2009…seems like a very long dry-spell… Truth is I long for the real thing but not with just “anyone”, hence all the self-partnering I have been learning to do in the last 2 and half years… Even though I enjoy being on my own a lot of the time I have massive surges of loneliness and disconnection, which I am trying to accept … Mel, it feels like I crash landed on this planet! sniff,sniff. Any thoughts Mel? In the interim, know that the gratitude and love that I feel everytime heaven replies is unmeasurable. Thank you,thank you, thank you. xx

  • laura_music@yahoo.com'
    Laura K
    October 2, 2017

    This was so deeply profound and powerful and it has helped me soooo much!! I was moved to tears! I am going to take everything I learned here into the Goal Setting Module this week and anchor it all into a powerful intention that “I love myself unconditionally.” I see now that this has been the missing piece of the puzzle for me because I have still been struggling with depression even after a year of working my little butt off in the program 🙂 Thank you for bringing it all to light!! I see now that if I approach my NARP journey from a place of unconditional love for myself that everything will begin to heal and shift exponentially and Life will reflect this back to me in kind! Thank you Melanie!!! XOXOX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 3, 2017

      Hi Laura,

      I am so happy for you that this has moved you!

      That is going to be such a great Goal to work on. SO key!

      I love that you are feeling the shift that is to come 🙂 You are connecting to it!

      Mel xo

  • adela.surferette@gmail.com'
    Surferette
    October 3, 2017

    When do you need to start accepting what is? When we were little did we accept what it was (neglect, abuse, disapproval etc.) or did we not? And how would either affect us? Do you know?
    Thank you Melanie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 3, 2017

      Hi Surferette,

      No, we did not “accept” it – we “absorbed” it.

      As adults, if we can accept that we absorbed it and that the trauma is wedged within our body, then we can start releasing it.

      Does this answer your question?

      Mel xo

  • annpowerwriting@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    October 4, 2017

    Dear Mel,

    If narcissists are in effect holograms created by our internal state, does that mean it is possible they are not narcissists with other people? That I “created” or “perceived” his narcissism, and am the only sick one?

    I have been committedly self-partnering for six months, and have released loads of trauma. With that comes greater ability and humility to notice more maladaptive patterns in myself — ways I tried to stay safe by not speaking up when I felt dismissed, not having clear boundaries, and not being anchored in self-love enough to be clear, steady, and self-nourished. I wanted so badly for my ex to protect me, to *pick* me, to love me to wholeness.

    I have always felt a huge element of confusion with my most recent ex, as there were not overt abuses that existed in my previous relationships. Because this one didn’t hit me or threaten me or stalk me, I struggled to understand whether what I was perceiving (manipulation, mind games, instability, wishy-washy, cannot depend on this person, he is emotionally unavailable, etc) was correct or whether it was just my insecurities and wounding projected outwards. This is what kept me dancing with him for so long, is that I was scared I was wrong about him, that he really did love me, and perhaps I was just a damaged, difficult to love person.
    A part of me (the rational part? the defensive part?) says that for two people to dance any kind of dance for 4 years, as we did, means they were on the same level of wounding. There’s no way that one of us was totally healthy, and one of us was totally sick. If that was the case, we wouldn’t have danced.

    And yet, even in trying to see clearly what happened, I fear I am still trying to play pin the tail on the donkey, which makes me afraid I am the narcissist, trying to find someone else to be responsible for loving me to wholeness. The truth is, I felt sick, insecure, confused, emotionally unseen, etc, for the grand majority of the relationship. I never slept a whole night through when we were in the same bed. I would doze off then wake up with a start like I was afraid to relax. I thought I just had massive insecurities and C-PTSD after my previous experiences (which I did, of course, but was that all that was going on there??)
    Am I just a liar looking for a scapegoat, or was I picking up on his wounding? I felt a psychic connection that blew me out of the water, I felt his waves of anger, received messages in dreams, predicted his behavior, and yet remained hooked and immobile and afraid like a junkie. Our last interaction, he “apologized” — in a vague way. I had heard this before and was no longer satisfied with the superficiality of it. I wanted content and a discussion. I questioned his apology, asked him what he’s sorry for, asked for more content, he would not discuss it, would not or could not delve deeper. He was dangling me, being evasive but keeping me on the hook .. and I kept myself on the hook, as I was terrified and sick over laying the boundary and asking for accountability. Within *hours* of him pretending everything was grand, texting me to ask about my weekend, he stated he was now seeing someone else. My ego was stunned, yet my soul knew this already, as I had woken up the night before sick to my stomach with dread and fear. Four months later, he married her. How is this possible? And yet I dreamt of that, too. If she doesn’t carry the narcissistic / codependency template, is he a loving supportive emotionally available partner to her?

    Mel, if quantumly, everything is me pushed out, then did I make the whole thing up? Did I only see what I needed to see, to wake myself up? Was HE just responding to MY insecurities?

    I am tired of questioning myself. I want to be resolute like some people seem to be, about whether their ex was toxic, etc, and yet I am never satisfied with this answer, as I keep wanting to be the piece of crap myself. I have trouble seeing what’s my fault and what’s his.

    Thank you for all you do, as always,
    Much love,
    Sophie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 4, 2017

      Dear Sophie,

      it is true that a narcissist, who has acted out with us, may not act our narcissistically with others, but these are the people they are going to leave alone, not connect deeply with – because they can’t use them for narcissistic supply.

      No, we did not create a narcisist’s narcissism – there are levels that people can act at that is an ingrained personality condition. They would not be capable otherwise.

      And that is in regard to people with NPD – and truly I can’t ascertain from what you said as to whether or not he had NPD. He may have been just “unavailable”.

      It is true Sophie that we have unhealed wounds that need healing when we experience painful relationships – however, this in no way is going to make a narcissist “well” or “healthy”. It makes us well and healthy.

      People who have the ability to grow, and stay connected are people who, with our own self-growth, that we can have successful relationships with. (It all depends on us taking full responsibility for healing our own inner traumas – no-one else is responsible for them).

      And for whatever reason – the relationship doesn’t stay together – a painful as it is at the time, it wasn’t meant to be.

      When we heal the wounds, part of the healing is the acceptance of this. That we are the Source of self and we will continue to generate love, opportunity and partnering with others by BEING that. There is NOT the truth of “there is only one person for us.”

      Absolutely it sounds like you were having a relationship deeply at the level of soul contract – and they feel SO connected, as well as fraught with anxiety – because all of our wounding is triggered to heal. And these relationships are full of longing, insecurities, obsession and “addiction” to this person.

      And usually incredible painful endings – whereby we are discarded, replaced or need to get out (even though that is the last thing we want to do) in order to save our life and souls.

      It’s all about this ONLY, “Heal your inner wounds. Face them meet them and come home to self”. Having that person “rescue” us and stay with us would NEVER achieve that. And at soul level we don’t want that.

      At soul level, he loved you enough to grant you ENOUGH pain that there was never going to be your reconciliation and the end to the torment unless you did self-partner, commit to you and heal.

      Sophie, you are realising that questioning yourself is futile. It isn’t leading to relief or evolution. Only deeply meeting yourself within and releasing and healing your traumas will.

      Please know it is NEVER about whether someone was toxic, it always ONLY comes home to self and whether or not we are living out unresolved traumas or have we healed them. When we heal them we start having relationships that work – they grow, heal and resolve rather than fall apart.

      This is not about “fault” it’s about healing our inner traumas – period.

      I promise you, Sophie, when you start approaching it from this level, you will stop driving yourself crazy and be on the way to health, love and peace.

      A great starting place would be coming into my free webinar: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • annpowerwriting@gmail.com'
        Sophie
        October 5, 2017

        Hi Mel,

        Thank you so much for your reply. I have read it through a couple of times, and will do so again as I currently feel stuck in the loop when everything feels foggy and I have trouble “hearing” you clearly. 😀

        I guess I feel a bit alarmed and ashamed that I still get stuck on this, after doing lots of releasing already.

        I actually attended the webinar, about one year ago. Is it okay (and advisable) to attend again?

        Sophie

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 5, 2017

          Hi Sophie,

          It’s my pleasure!

          So important sweetheart to go to that shame and target it and release it – THAT is your next step.

          Yes, Sophie it would be wonderful for you to attend another free webinar! I’d love to have you 🙂

          And if for some reason your original email addy is not accepted, email support@melanietoniaevans.com and one of the lovely support staff will get you connected!

          Mel xo

          • annpowerwriting@gmail.com'
            Sophie
            October 6, 2017

            🙂 Thank you so much Mel! I will register!! 🙂

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            October 6, 2017

            My pleasure Sophie!

            Awesome!

            Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    October 5, 2017

    Hi Melanie!
    Don’t take this personally, but recently I unsubscribed you, because I couldn’t bear anymore the talks like “n’s are like this, n’s do this and that”. But I think this is sign of my recovery from the n! 😀 I do not want “them” in any shape or form in my life anymore, not even in written form. But I was delighted to see this video! Very useful information, and not ruminating endlessly about the n’s (which, indeed, does not do any healing). Thanks! 🙂

    Our break-up was in january, then couple of months I was…an emotional wreck. Then I thought, slowly, I started to heal and become normal again. But in july, I fell into deep depression. Every day I wanted to kill myself. It is indeed horrible to think/talk this way, I used to be lively, atheletic, well-educated, cheerful woman. But all the disappointment and shock with and after the n…apparently it was just too much for me. Too much, to deal with 🙁 Trying to make sense of a situation…that does not make any “sense”.

    Just this week I confessed this all to my friend, and she said (quite sarcastically I think), “I didn’t knew you were THAT traumatized”. Well, lucky her, if she has never been dealing with a n! Break-ups are always hard, but one with a n…it’s something multiple times worse. It still hurts my heart when I say this: The problem (pain) was not (only) to lose him…the pain is, that he never really even existed!!! Everyone who has been with a n, know exactly what I’m talking about!

    But now, today, I’m happy to report that I’m doing fine! Life wins, always! 🙂 Of course the n still can come into my mind, sometimes even daily, but it does not have such a emotional charge anymore, these thoughts can come and go like the clouds in the sky, they don’t make me lose my balance. He is starting to become a “distant memory”. Well, maybe everything happened for a reason…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 5, 2017

      Hi Anna,

      please no need to apologise – and I get it!

      There are (of course) so many people on different levels of their journey of healing, and we need to try to assist each level. My suggestion is to connect to the publications that are congruent with where you are – because they do come!

      Also, so much of our deeper Inner Being healing is about seeing where “what it was with the N that has been the part inside us that needs releasing/healing” … truly. It also grants us compassion and healing regarding Ns rather than be stuck in the self-destructive demonising of them.

      You may find “those” publications extremely helpful too – even if they surface within you triggers and traumas that still need releasing to set you free.None of my work is about ruminating about N”s it is about bringing the healing and power back to us.

      Have you connected to the deep Inner Work of NARP Anna? It is such a game changer in how we heal, and can also help us not just try to bury it and move on – which unfortunately bites many people hard somewhere down the track.

      It’s so much healthier and advisable to really clean this up and go forth freely once and for all, rather than do that.

      If we self-abandon and disown trauma it simply does push-ups in the background – it doesn’t go away.

      I hope any of this helps!

      Mel xo

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Anna
        October 6, 2017

        Hi,

        I’m sorry to say, but I feel many of the articles you have written…you yourself are exactly demonising them. That’s why I don’t have the heart to read them anymore. Yes, he was a n..but I don’t want to be constantly reminded how s**t he “really” was. There was a time when I really loved him, I will never ever be talking anything bad about him. But at the same time, I am realistic what he is, no more rose-coloured idealizing anymore. As a matter of fact, I never talk bad about anyone, it’s just not my style.
        Sometimes you say n’s are “angels in disguise” and then the next moment, how bad they are, with their “sinister agendas” etc. etc., like very contradicting information. This produces for me even more “cognitive dissonance” than he ever did!! I seriously can’t take this anymore.

  • gailbamford@yahoo.co.uk'
    Gail Trevelyan
    October 10, 2017

    Very powerful Melanie, thank you.
    At the end you touched on the oxymoron I feel whenever I do a NARP module.
    I have so far been unable to feel unconditional love for myself.
    Two parts of my young childhood set the stage for a lifetime of a lack of self love and a fear of faliure that affected every aspect of my inner and outer being, my relationships, absolutely everything.
    One was my mother’s inability to show me unconditional love.
    As a very small child I loved with so many rules. Eat everything you’re given, I was ink allowed to dislike 5 foods. If I tried something new and didn’t like it I had to start eating something from the list of 5. Only touch your own things, even within my own home I wasn’t allowed to touch anything that wasn’t mine.
    I was rewarded for my good behaviour with a sweet in a silver tin the next morning, my ‘fairy tin’ as it was called because the fairies knew if I’d been good and rewarded me accordingly. So much anxiety when I woke up, wondering if the fairies thought I’d done something bad. Wracking my brains with worry. The fear as I opened the tin. The cold look in my mum’s eye if there was no sweet and the comments trying to make me say “why the fairies aren’t happy with you?”
    I have a memory feeling of my dad. It’s warm and safe. He was my main carer and I think he gave me unconditional love, hence the memory feeling.
    But my only mental memory of him is finding him dead when we were alone together aged 5.
    I shook him because I thought he was playing but I never was able to wake him.
    My mum explained dead but she never cried in front of me and after his funeral she never spoke of him again.
    The feelings of powerlessness and helplessness when I found him and the guilt I carried because I couldn’t wake him.
    All this led to a lifetime of lack of self love.
    Now my issue is that I am completely blocked by my self protective ego from allowing even a chink of self love and acceptance in so that I can let down those walls of self protection enough to begin to accept myself and release the pain. I can say it, read it, write it a million times but I just can’t feel it and I’m so stuck.
    I hear my inner child bawling her eyes out “help help” as I write this yet my ego is petrified to take its eye off the ball of self protection despite me knowing deep inside how damaging it is and how much it holds me back from healing and inner peace.
    How do I break this strangle hold of ego?
    Might the GSM help?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2017

      Hi Gail,

      you are welcome and I am so pleased this resonated with you.

      Oh Gail, you have been through so much pain and trauma, my heart goes out to you Dear One.

      Gail, hun truly the truth is when you do get through the ego, your Inner Child will rejoice when you pick her up and hold her and let her release that pain – but of course, the ego hangs on so fiercely to guarding deep trauma and convinces us this is not the case.

      I would target the ego guarding first.

      Use GSM to release the ego hold. Then feel the fierce block and start loading up and shifting. And toggle – if the inner child starts feeling terrified then drop the shift on ego and go in to do a shift of moving that trauma out.

      Then when you feel the block of ego – go back and address that again – and so on and so forth.

      Does that help?

      I hope it does Gail, it is so your time to go free.

      Mel xo

  • anna.suszt@gmail.com'
    Anna Suszt
    October 11, 2017

    I just watched your episode on depression and at one point I just burst into tears. When you asked who as a child taught you conditional love? Who’s unconditional love did you crave but no matter what you did you were never going to get it. It was my father. I was the unwanted the 2nd born. He was a misogynist narcissist Hungarian. He told me at 9 that the 1st born is always special. He shot my cat and killed her because she was pregnant. He was very verbally abusive. And as a result I spent my whole life feeling not good enough and trying too hard and beating myself up. And choosing poor relationships. My last one of 7 years was a real prize. A complete and utter narcissist. I’m still reeling from the fallout 10 months later and still waiting for my payout of our house and with no home of my own, but you are really helping me. thank you thank you thank you. I have bought the programs but haven’t had time to start them yet. I can’t wait to get started.
    And as I was writing this I got a phone call about a house available for rent.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2017

      Hi Anna,

      my heart goes out to you, and please know when you start NARP so much healing and relief will start to enter your life.

      It is your time to heal, and I so hope you got that house or one even more suitable.

      Mel xo

      • anna.suszt@gmail.com'
        Anna
        October 18, 2017

        I am VERY happy to report that the very next day I saw the perfect sweet house for rent advertised, applied, go a call, ran over there and the landlord rented it to me on the spot. I am SO much happier having a home at last. Its like suddenly everything is falling into place just like you said. The deep dark gutting waves of depression have lifted and I am feeling completely ambivalent towards the N as I feel optimistic about my new life…..
        I can start living again!!!!

  • w.andreass@hotmail.com'
    Curious
    October 15, 2017

    Thank you for the insights, Mel. This is very useful information.

  • msblairwaldorf@gmail.com'
    Blair
    October 20, 2017

    Dear Mel,

    You’ve shared so many helpful videos, and, for me, this one was the most impactful. I watched it six times already, and I’m sure I’ll watch again. As you have been, I’ve been impacted financially. Sadly, I’ve been weaponizing this fact against myself. Thank you so much for sharing your story; I can’t overstate how seeing what you’ve overcome inspires me.

    I really want to let it all go so I can love myself and thus love others more fully. I absolutely felt the relief as you stated we would in the video.

    I used to struggle with hearing that “Everything is in perfect and divine order” given that my father sexually abused me and my mother used this abuse to manipulate me to take care of her. Now I can take it in without necessarily agreeing with it myself (I believe that *I* am in perfect and divine order, and crap happens, ha – so that’s solid, and I don’t need to convince anyone else).

    Long story short: THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

    Lots of love!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 20, 2017

      Hi Blair,

      I am so pleased this video has been helpful to you and that I can inspire you 🙂

      Please know you too are going to be an incredible inspiration to yourself, those you love, and others with what I KNOW you will overcome.

      Sending much love and blessings to you.

      Mel xo

      • msblairwaldorf@gmail.com'
        Blair
        October 22, 2017

        Aww, thank you so much, Mel!!! xo

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