Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Heal The Wounds From Narcissistic Mothers

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 12
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


In this Thriver TV episode today, I want to deeply acknowledge with you the devastating effects of Mother wounds, and the trauma this has caused for so many of you in this Community.

What does it mean for you if your Mother did not fulfill what a stereotypical Mother does, such as care, nurture, and support?

How does this affect your ability to feel whole, worthy and confident in Life?

And what is it like to still be caught up in the battle of feeling like no matter what you do it is never good enough? Or to still feel like you are receiving abuse, neglect, or being scapegoated for her issues that she is not taking responsibility for?

Maybe, things are so unhealthy with your Mother that you feel like the one who is the Mother and she is a broken child.

Whatever you may be struggling with to heal, overcome and survive with your Mother, the impact may be devastating, and you may feel trapped in the trauma and abuse whichever way you try to turn.

There may be a host of reasons why you feel that you can’t walk away or say “no” to her.

Or maybe you have walked away, but the trauma is still so painful inside you.

Within this video, we investigate the dynamics of Mother wounds, the associated fears not allowing you to say “no”, as well as how to heal from these deep primal wounds to become your True Self.

If you are suffering Mother wounds, it is my deepest hope that this Thriver TV episode holds for you the key of how to heal, to finally set you free.

I look forward to answering your questions and comments below.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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66 Thoughts on How To Heal The Wounds From Narcissistic Mothers
    Laura K
    September 22, 2017

    Dear Melanie – I was soooo meant to watch this video. I thank you profoundly for addressing this topic! Even though I have made MIRACULOUS leaps and bounds with my recovery (I have been doing your NARP program for a year and 2 months now) and have finally shifted out ALL trauma related to my narcissistic father (Woo-hoo! What a MASSIVE accomplishment that has been!), I am still ‘hooked in’ on many levels to my borderline/narcissistic mother. Yet I see clearly now, after having listened to you talk, that I have justified keeping her in my life out of guilt and fear – Feeling that if I release her (my one remaining family member) FOR REAL, then truly, I will have no one left and will be all alone and that she won’t be able to handle it (Any time I’ve tried to go no contact in the past, I’ve been on the receiving end of the typical rages, smearing, threats, suicidal talk). Yet as you so simply and powerfully said in regard to continuing to make excuses, “So what?!” Thank you – Seriously, THANK YOU for ‘shaking [me] up’ on this topic because this is one that I have admittedly been avoiding and pushing to the back burner… because it’s just so painful. But right here, right now, I am soooo making the decision to honor my soul truth in regard to her. I choose to sort this out NOW. I am prepared to lose it all to get it all!! Plus, I sure as hell do not want to reincarnate with her again! Um, no thanks! 🙂 And I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again – I am just SO HAPPY that my soul chose you to be one of my healers in this lifetime! I wish you could feel in my heart how honored I feel to have found you and how you have been SUCH a profound part of my life – I watch every video, read every blog, and do your modules multiple times per week. I am just constantly moved to tears (including right now) by you and your work and all of the ways in which you have deeply touched my soul and my life. My soul yearning is to touch as many hearts with my voice, lyrics and music as deeply as you have in this beautiful community of thrivers. Thank you, my Earth Angel! Much love to you!! xOxO, Laura

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 22, 2017

      Hi Laura,

      I am so pleased this has helped you.

      That is so wonderful Dear Lady that you are now going to honour you.

      Your beautiful words bring tears to my eyes, and I feel so blessed that I am connected with your Dear Sister on this amazing journey.

      You are here for big things Laura, your soul has it right!

      Mel xo

    September 22, 2017

    Absolutely bang on Melanie. Thanks.
    I removed both my parents from my life earlier this year after years of struggle with them. I already live on the other side of the world from them and you’d think they couldn’t continue their damage from there, but they did.
    My Narc father had told my partner I was mentally ill (one of his favourite accusations because of his own personal fears) and my Borderline personality disordered mother had put my partner and ex husband in touch with each other so they could work together to continue hurting me.
    I found all this out in marriage counselling with my partner.
    Shocking, yes… but finally the straw that broke the camel’s back…

    I removed my parents. They’ve tried to pressure me through my sister and I just smile and tell her it’s not going to happen. Now my ex husband wants to have a coffee with me and his mother has recently contacted me too, after years of no contact, so it appears my mother is still trying to get people to do her dirty work, just as you describe.

    I’ve spent years working on my boundaries. I chose not to pass on the damage to my children and they’re healthy, though we talk about boundaries and self care and the family a LOT. My 14 yr old son is just becoming aware that he’s trying to rescue friends and taking too much on emotionally, so it’s been a good place to start talking about what he may have inherited from his father and our combined families.

    But, I want to tell you that I am above all of their meddling and intrusion. I have zero contact and from early this year, I started to remove all of the toxic people from my life.
    I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole 46 years.
    I feel strong, healthy, happy and confident. I’ve met an incredible new partner who has not a trace of any narc or psychopath about him and for the first time in my life, I have a healthy relationship. Because of this, my children are happier. All children want a happy mother.
    I am absolutely thriving. It’s thanks to you, to my counsellor and to me for doing the work. Thank you for putting this great resource out there. It has changed my life.

    For anyone deciding out there, whether to go no contact with abusive people, do it. It feels hard at first but then your joy kicks in as they recede into the background and I can’t tell you how damn good that feels.
    Just do it.

      Laura K
      September 22, 2017

      Belle! I am so inspired by your post! I often forget that I am not the only person out there whose soul chose the “double-whammy” of having both a narcissistic father AND a borderline & narc mother! I too, was successfully smeared by my father who convinced the entire family that I was/am mentally ill, a thief and a drug addict. Comical now, but SOUL DESTROYING at the time. I went through hell and back, trying to defend myself against the atrocious lies. Finally, I made the life-altering decision to go inward and shift out EVERY SINGLE TRAUMA related to him through Melanie’s program. And I’ve never looked back. And truly, I don’t give a DAMN now what any of them think or believe – Not my reality anymore! Healing my wounds in regards to my mother is the last piece of the puzzle for me. I smiled when you said, “Just do it!” Love it! You inspired me with that! How AWESOME that you are thriving and experiencing joy and freedom in your new life. Sending you love and positive vibes on your journey!

        September 24, 2017

        Laura… thanks beautiful. Stay strong and keep doing the work.
        Life is just so good on the other side.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 22, 2017

      Hi Belle,

      it’s my pleasure.

      That is so wonderful that you have honoured you and your Life is reflecting that “health” in so many ways!

      Thank you lovely lady for being such a powerful, loving support to others going through this.

      Mel xo

    September 22, 2017

    I would love to hear about narccisistic Mother in laws… I have one who obviously made a narc for a son whom I married and had a child with. We are now talking divorce and he is working with his Mommy to divorce me with the least monetary impact as possible. I guess he is getting her approval for narccisistic supply right now as well as actively looking at dating other women after 50… I have been married to him for 17 years and now he is looking for 2 – 20’s to replace me. Ugh…

    September 22, 2017

    It wasn’t until about halfway through the narcissistic relationship and years in that I realized just how many similarities between them and my mother there were. Previously I was completely unaware of what kind of a person my mother really was since I was always so busy trying to “be a good daughter” and live up to her expectations , even though I had an unhappy childhood and my teenage years were mostly spent as a runaway because my home life was so horrific. Naturally it was all my fault, I was just so rebellious~ and she got away with that excuse for many years. Now here I am an adult woman trying to figure out how to extricate myself from all of the C.R.A.P.
    I can’t believe I have lived most of my life with my eyes closed.
    Since I was the youngest in my family, my two older sisters have been pretty consistent with leaving me holding the bag.
    They will talk about our mother and her behaviour but they give in to her every whim, afraid of her disapproval and clamoring for her affection and attention. My middle sister is the golden one, she can do no wrong even though she spends very little of her time with our mother and has made it obvious that she is not her priority. My oldest sister lives 70 miles away and only makes the trek when it works for her, which leaves me to do all of the rest. My mother lives in assisted living where she is cared for but yet still requires “special” everything including drinking water that we have to bring in.
    I’m trying really hard to work through all of this and not be so angry! In addition I feel like I am the crazy one, the cruel one because I no longer want to accept this behavior from my mother or my sisters.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 22, 2017

      Hi Karin,

      It is great that you have the awareness … you have done so well with this … and the next step as you realise is to work through this.

      Are you working with shifting the trauma cellularly inside you? It is a massive game changer rather than trying to heal cognitively.

      Because what it means is that you would be able to load the anger, and all other traumas connected and move them up and out of your subconscious pain and emotional body and go free from them.

      Do you know about NARP and how it does that?

      If not – please come into my free workshop where you will experience Quanta Freedom Healing and how it powerfully heals you from the inside out.

      This can so give your relief Karin and help you not feel crazy!

      Mel xo

    September 22, 2017

    I am trying to pull away from my mother. I live 60 miles away from her and have done for the last twenty five years but still find that the distance doesn’t stop the nastiness. I stood up for myself for the first time a few months ago but she didn’t like it. I would like to pull away completely and have total no contact but that would mean I would lose my dad, brother and little niece and that is what makes me still have a connection to her as I do not want to lose these other family members. I don’t see her that often anyway but decided I should cut the contact as much as I can, so not ringing home that often now. She has never liked my young son and she hasn’t had any contact with my other adult children for years. When i do see her, she will be nasty to someone that day, either me or my dad. I know my dad has a really hard time with her but has never stood up to her and he tries to make the situation better. So when I don’t ring home that often now, he texts me to ring home to speak to mum, but really I don’t want to. I feel so sorry how he is treated by her.

    I know realize why I attracted a narcissist husband. We split 6 years ago but co-parent my son. It’s been a total nightmare co-parenting with him but as my son is almost a teenager now, I am finding i don’t really need to have much contact with my son’s dad now.

    My mum has made me feel unworthy, and that I really don’t matter and I’ve been feeling this emotion since childhood, and need to heal the trauma of this. I know logically that I am worthy, but need to heal the emotions I still feel. I have purchased the narp programme and going to start it soon.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 24, 2017

      Hi Suzanne,

      I am so pleased you are now a NARP member and are going to start the healings.

      Please know Suzanne that you don’t have to work it all out now – as in whether to walk away, now or ever. When you heal you – truly “the way” will unfold.

      You will know what to do and how to do it in ways that work for all.

      You’ve got this! It’s your time to heal!

      Mel xo

    September 23, 2017

    I didn’t know I needed this… but I so did. It’s perfect timing as a huge mother wound is being triggered by having to do co-parent counseling in the near future with the N and a female therapist. My childhood abuse experience was primarily with my brother and my mom’s roll was not protecting or helping me. I’ve felt terror even thinking about doing therapy with the N and I now realize it was fear of a total repeat of that childhood situation. I now know exactly what to target in modules. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 24, 2017

      Hi Mona,

      I am so pleased this was timely for you.

      That is so wonderful you know what to target now 🙂

      Mel xo

    September 23, 2017

    I can agree and confirm to these truths..
    But what if ….If someone has recognized their narcissistic ways, and the generational pass down of this abuse, and actually has changed their ways.

    September 23, 2017

    Recently I had a nightmare. It was the ex-narc in my life who has been stalking me for 2 years, and he was chasing me. My mother was helping me escape from him and telling me where to go. Then, I turned around to her and said “Don’t pretend to help me. I know you ARE HIM! You are the reason I attracted him!” As I was trying to yell this, my voice started to silence as if she was choking me. My unconscious mind was screaming to me in my dream that my mother is the same energy/entity as this psychopathic ex, and that no amount of sugar coating or justifying the motherly sentiment could possibly cover that truth. I have to face it head on. I have been working the NARP program twice a day for the past month or so. Is there any specific module you recommend that would specifically pertain to releasing and healing trauma from a Narc mother? I’ve been doing the modules regarding the ex-narc, but now it’s time to start on my mother. I’m thinking I’ll start with module 2- release and heal the illusion of the perfect partner…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 24, 2017

      Hi Bhavna,

      Wow – that is a powerful dream!

      Truly Bhava, work with the Modules in exactly the way you did for the ex – simply substitute with your Mum.

      Start at Module 1 and all the healing will unfold for you. The healing path is identical!

      Mel xo

    September 23, 2017

    Dear Melanie
    Thank you so much for covering this topic… I am from Spain and it is such a tabu in this country to say anything “bad” regarding your biological family, especially the mother and father… My father is high smart narcissist, and my mother I think she was co-dependent with him, but with the time she also showed narcissistic traits more and more… and joined my father and narc siblings in abuse towards me.
    I wonder if the healing from the wounds of narcissistic mothers is similar than from the wounds of narcissistic fathers? Would you consider talking about narcissistic fathers in future Thriver blogs?
    With deep gratitude and love

    September 23, 2017

    Hi Melanie, The earliest memory of my Mother hurting me mentally was when I was four, my Teddy bears head had fallen off through playing with it with a dog and she put it on the fire and let me watch it burn. Other things I remember was when I won a singing contest and my Mother who had to give up her singing career to have me said, well that,s nothing .I was a Professional !. When I was a Teenager I chipped my front teeth and had to have crowns and she crunched an apple in front of me and said “you can,t do that now”, but I could.The most damaging thing though was when my Father died from a heart attack and she blamed me even though he had C.O.P.D, Angina, fleabitus and high blood pressure, smoked and drank every day, she said I killed him through giving him too much stress, especially when I made my Girlfriend Pregnant, I was 21 then and I admit a bit wild, womanising, staying out all night and dabbling with drugs, drinking alcohol etc.,
    I have always had a question mark over me since that comment even though people have said don,t be silly, luckily with the Quantum freedom healing programme I can clear away all that pain from the past
    Take care

    September 23, 2017

    My mother was not a narc, but histrionic. She was a professional entertainer and had to always be the center of attention.

    But looking back at my past relationships I see a pattern of being attracted to broken and emotionally messed up ladies. One of them today is doing life in prison for murdering her boss with a hammer. My wife of 22 years was a narc. Another didn’t tell me she was a lesbian until the 3rd date….etc….

    Having healed myself, I no longer find these messed up ladies attractive, I no longer HAVE TO help them. I am no longer bait for narcs or borderlines. I made the choice: NO MORE DIFFICULT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. I’ve had enough for 5 lifetimes.

    Today I have a wonderful wife and life is so much better.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 24, 2017

      Hi Stephen,

      that is so great you stopped the pattern.

      I am so happy for you that you are happy now!

      Great stuff 🙂

      Mel xo

      May 22, 2018

      Time has passed since the above post, yet it is a similar story to my own …..though I don’t have the happy ending …YET! Have obtained the NARP Gold package and am beginning the work. There is lots to read / watch.

      One daunting aspect of this comments section on NARC Mothers ..only two (now three) posts from men! Were sons of NARC mothers more likely to become NARCs themselves???

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        May 23, 2018

        Hi Alex,

        That is great you have NARP now!

        These men can become narcs but definitely not always!

        Also men are much less likely historically to post!

        Bless you 😀

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Sue in Canada
    September 23, 2017

    I was abused by my mother from birth. And my only (and older) sister is also a narcissist who abused me. I am 64. I won’t go into the situation except to say I was the family scapegoat from my earliest memory. I was never called by my first name – my mother and sister would only refer to me in third-person pronouns (she/her/it/that). I was told before I was old enough to look up words in a dictionary that I was a psychopath, dangerous, crazy, dirty, an empty shell of a human being (I thought I was like the chocolate drug-store Easter Bunny – looked normal and nice but empty inside) and, maybe the worst offence, I was told that I caused nothing but pain and torment for my family. I have been stalked and smeared and used. This year I sent a no-contact letter to my mother/sister and asked that my name to be taken out of the family Will. Of course, I got some vicious phone messages afterwards (which I deleted) – and emails (I changed my email address) and my only brother will not speak to me anymore. My father has passed and would not speak to me for the last 20 years of his life because, as I learned after his death, my mother/sister told him I had accused him of child sexual abuse. He believed them and was so hurt he would not speak to me. I never knew that was the reason until he was already in heaven. I do pray for him and I have asked God to make sure he knows I never accused him of such a thing. I was very close with him before that. Heartbreaking for sure. But just another tactic that a narcissist will use to tear families apart. Anyway, (this is longer then I planned) after sending the no-contact letter I took all the family photos (other then a few of me as a child and a few of my father) and threw them into the garbage can with my dirty cat litter. I had EMDR therapy – started going to church – and for the first time in my life I am AWAKE, able to feel things, and able to take care of myself from a place of contentment and gratitude – rather then mere survival. I spent my life counting on the kindness of strangers because of it all – and I married a narcissist and had to deal with domestic terrorism. That’s over now too. It has been a hard life – and my heart goes out to all those motherless daughters and victims of family smear and blame campaigns. Going no contact – while scary and lonely at times (especially on family statutory holidays like Christmas etc) is the BEST thing I have ever done for myself. My mother is now 84 and the way I look at things – she can be served in her old age by her other daughter and son – who she continues to manipulate and use. I owe them nothing – I have forgiven them – but I will never speak to any of them again and it feels so right and just and I am at peace. I have no guilt or regrets. Trust me when I tell you that sticking around never makes things change. You have to be the change – and you have to love yourself – and you have to be the one to say NO MORE. Otherwise your life will never be your own.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 24, 2017

      Hi Sue In Canada,

      I am so sorry you have been through such a painful and tormenting time with your family.

      That is so wonderful that you have worked on healing you. That would have been so necessary after your experiences …

      Your courage and heart are such an inspiration to others. You totally made it through Sue, you have graduated. Hard soul battles won by your amazing spirit.

      Sending many continued blessings and love

      Mel xo

        Sue in Canada
        September 24, 2017

        Thank you Melanie. You are a blessing to all of our lives.
        Sue xo

    September 23, 2017

    Wow Melanie I like your clear way of expressing this exactly for what it is. You do this in such a compassionate caring way. Thank you so much.
    I’ve come across the term ‘narcissistic mother’ many a time but it’s only recently I’ve been able to come to terms with the fact that this was my mother. I’ve spent a life time trying to protect and rescue her. After she died I even went to a clairvoyant trying to put things right with her would you believe! I’m still dealing with feelings that I’m betraying her but that’s definitely changing.
    The good thing is to know its never too late to face up to the truth, to change patterns and heal.
    Do you have any material on narcissistic fathers or would you consider speaking about this?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 24, 2017

      Hi Ali,

      thank you and I am so pleased this resonates with you.

      It is never too late Ali, and I am so pleased you want to!

      I certainly will be doing a Thriver Tv episode soon on N fathers.

      Mel xo

    September 23, 2017

    Nice episode. Thank you.

    Lisa Croft
    September 24, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for the new video.

    I have a friend who had a severely narcissistic mother. Her relationship with the mother was awful and she had removed her from her life in past and had spent periods of time not talking to her. Then the mother suddenly got ill and past away last year. My friend was beyond devastated. I understand her confusion as my own mother was narcissistic also ( borderline ) but it’s gone too far and now there is regular Facebook posts etc written by my friend, who now terribly misses her mother, who she previously hated. She talks about her all the time as well. Its become difficult to deal with her as well as everything is now about the mother and she has become increasingly controlling, too. Obviously, she seems to be feeling some sort of guilt but what else. What is causing this? Being overly attached to the mother that she hated alive but not now that she is dead?

    Kind regards Lisa ( Absolutely Blonde )

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 24, 2017

      Hi Lisa,

      it is very common for those with Personality Disordered parents to be in masses of pain after their death.

      Because it was never able to be resolved, the inner child is grieving not just missing out, but what could have been as well as no possibility of fixing it with that parent now.

      My greatest suggestion for her would be the deep inner healing of the NARP Program – , however people will turn inwards and self-partner when they are ready to – and not before.

      Mel xo

    September 24, 2017

    Dear Melanie, This video was truly a light bulb moment for me in relation to my Ex-Narc’s mother who is a Narc herself. She had 7 children, including 4 sons, and ruined them all. Would love more info on Narc mothers-in-law and how they produce Narc sons. (Ex is a somatic narcissist, and the oldest son). Is it genetics or environment? Or both? If Ex was to go no contact with her, is there any hope for him to recover and become a decent human being? Or is it just too late?

    September 24, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    Thank you so much for this video – it came at the perfect time when I had been searching Thriver TV for narcissistic mothers but couldn’t find any. A couple of days later this video showed up! I am currently getting my head around the fact that my mother is highly likely a narcissist.

    I came across your website 2 years ago after leaving my ex-narc. Finally, I had a name for what he was and why he treated me the way he did! My mother and I were always very “close” – but to the point where I didn’t know where she stopped and I began. She always boasts about how similar we are, how I’m her clone etc. I’m an only child and she left my Dad when I was very young. Unfortunately he died when I was 18 and already having a tiny family as it was, I relied on the relationship with my Mum a lot over the years (I’m now 30). She was always very critical and downright nasty comments would slip out of her mouth often (still do). I reflect back now and can see how toxic so much of her behaviours were. We moved around from city to city throughout my childhood/teenagerhood to the point where I don’t even have a place that I’m “from” so to speak. No childhood or high school friends. When this has been brought up she is dismissive and says that change is good and the reason we moved around much is because of the problems I kept having at school. Funny thing is, she is now 70 and still moves around constantly!

    About 18 months ago after commencing my healing journey from my ex-narc, I met a wonderful man who treated me and my little son like gold. We got married about a year later and my mother (who was initially very approving and encouraging of our relationship and getting married) started to change her tune and criticise my husband. She very subtly attacked my name change, his family, friends, his career, his parenting of my son etc. I found her influence was like a disease and started to infect my thoughts and actions in such a way that my marriage then became very much on the rocks in a matter of months. We had a couple of months apart and thankfully we are in a much better place now and very happy together. My mother is offended that I turned my back on her “advice” and says I should be “sectioned” for staying with him. My husband is very open to discussing narcissism and sees parallels with his own family, so he is incredibly supportive of my research into all of this.

    The questions I have are: is it common for narc mothers to heavily interfere in their children’s marriages? And how do I stop feeling so guilty like she’s this helpless being who has just tried to help me my whole life (Her words)? The thought of going No Contact just seems impossible and I’m not sure if even necessary… Help!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 24, 2017

      Hi Elise,

      It’s my pleasure. I am so pleased this video was timely for you!

      That is wonderful you are with a wonderful man and that you have both pulled through this together.

      Yes, it is common for N parents to be very triggered and destructive when children in their life find sustenance, happiness or energy from anything outside of them.

      N’s feel powerless when rendered insignificant, which of course is the hairline trigger to the terribly fragile ego – it isn’t about anything that anyone is doing “wrong” to them – it is their stuff.

      How you lose the guilt it to heal from the traumas inside you that are generating them. My highest suggestion for this is the NARP Program – . For all of us when we know we should lose certain feelings, but haven’t, we have already tried to logically overcome them.

      This is where NARP as a powerful subconscious healing tool does the work at the core of our Inner Identy, in order to heal, get solid inside on what we need to do and let go of the feelings that aren’t serving us.

      You don’t need to make the decision straight away about going No Contact or not, because when you do the inner healing on all that is feeling impossible, painful and triggering for you, then you just won’t have those feelings. Then clear boundaries and knowing “what to do”, Elise, will be organic for you.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

        September 24, 2017

        Thank you Mel, I really appreciate your response. I think the NARP program would definitely be very beneficial, considering how engrained these feelings are within me and the length of the relationship with my Mum. I love your work, it’s been so enlightening watching your videos and reading the blog over the past couple of years.

        Take care,

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 25, 2017

          Hi Elise,

          it’s my pleasure.

          It will help a lot 🙂

          Thank you and bless you Dear Lady!

          Mel xo

    Sue in Canada
    September 24, 2017

    Hi Elise, I hope you don’t mind me replying as well from personal experience. One of the tactics of a Narc mother is to infiltrate our relationships to slowly and ultimately destroy them so we remain in service only to them and their needs. They start by being approving and gracious (this is the ‘information gathering’ stage) – but once they know things about their target – they start smearing them to us – so we get caught in the middle. They are very covert in their ‘persuasion’ and we get confused and find ourselves both defending our partner but also questioning our choice. At the core they are jealous – and competitive – and selfish – with no compassion or conscience at play. Your mother sounds like she is working on you and from my experience you need to set some firm boundaries. Like – no talking about your husband to you or anyone else. My experience is that a narc mother will just find other ways “in” and this can include false accusations. Going no contact is hard I know – but you can at least ask her to stop meddling in your personal life. If she doesn’t stop – you may start to see the benefit of no contact. When I went no contact with my mother a part of me was hoping she would see her part in why I needed to do that and would apologize and all could be better. My mother ‘showed’ herself to me by her reaction and I just don’t exist anymore to her. But she is still making sure I am isolated (shunned) by others and is still trying to hurt me through third parties. Someone once described narcissism well. “Narcissists can be charming and kind and generous and lovely as long as things are going their way. When they don’t go their way – they become instantly vicious.” That is the sign to watch for.

      September 24, 2017

      Hi Sue

      Thanks so much for your comment and sharing your experience – that makes a lot of sense now why she was so approving of my husband initially. She was “gathering information” to later use against him. My mother is a very educated and highly intelligent woman who uses this to feel superior over others who have not been to university or she perceives as less intelligent than her. It’s quite sad really and I can’t believe it has taken me 30 years to realise what the issue has always been with her. I had terrible self-image issues and a messed up relationship with food/my body for over a decade thanks to her constant scrutiny of my appearance. Her own mother was a narc, though very neglectful and dismissive as opposed to controlling and meddling, so I’m certain this is where she has developed it from.

      Re: setting boundaries, absolutely! I have just this week said to her that I no longer want any negative comments or criticisms about my husband or our marriage, and her response was “I’m staying out of it”, followed by her scurrying away and not staying to wave my son and I off as we drove away (withdrawing the “love”). I will be on top of her behaviour and ensure she doesn’t get away with her criticisms and superiority any more.

      I have realised that I am her main source of supply and this is why she likes to enmesh herself in my life so much. It goes beyond supportive – to the point where when I was younger (and even now to an extent) she would subtly criticise items that I had purchased and ask if I still wanted them. I didn’t even know what I really liked or wanted until I was about 25 and living on the other side of the world (with my ex-narc). He and my mother hated each other, he used to say SHE was a narcissist! Takes one to know one I guess!

        Sue in Canada
        September 24, 2017

        Hi Elise, That’s great you stated your needs. And her reaction is typical for a narc. Everything is a win/lose and they hate being restricted by “our” needs. Also interesting about your mother and ex narc husband hating each other. I believe narcs can ‘spot’ each other and they actually compete as if the other will take all their supply away. As for your possessions, narcs simply want it all. My sister used to ask me if I still wanted a new sweater or jewellery I bought for myself. I would say, yes. After her visit – the item would be gone. Poof. And I dared to confront her because whenever I did she would create a list of grievances against me and reject ME.

        I used to be a people pleaser and also never really knew who I was until I got away from the chaos and never-ending drama. I never ended relationships or passed judgement on others because I was so unaware of myself. I used to think the phrase “you have to love yourself first ” was selfish. Now I’ve come to understand self-love is not that at all – it’s healthy and a normal mothers would foster that in us. Only when we take care of ourselves can we truly love another. And only then can we spot personality-disordered people and protect ourselves with firm boundaries. But it’s painful stuff anyway you slice it. Read in a book about this issue – “Malignant narcissism is as close as we come to evil on earth.” I agree because it seems no amount of grace or patience or logic on our parts can change them. All we can do is manage our contact and refuse to be shamed or guilted.

        I wish you all the best!! xo

          Sue in Canada
          September 24, 2017

          Dear Melanie. I hope I have not overstepped by replying to Elise. I realize this is your forum – but my heart wanted to also reach out to her specifically. Again, thanks for all you do to help so many of us – and I will stand back now. xo

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            September 25, 2017

            Hi Sue,

            of gosh no – I LOVE that you supported Elise!

            It’s one of the most beautiful things about this Community – how much love and support is shared.

            Mel xo

          September 25, 2017

          So interesting what you said about self-love – I distinctly remember my mother sneering and dismissing any comments people made about “loving yourself”…. she used to say it was weird and egotistical. So I grew up believing that self-love was not healthy. Now I know why she had this view – because she doesn’t love herself at all and just doesn’t get it!

          And yes, I think it will be a constant battle of managing her behaviour until it gets to a point where it’s continually destructive and I may have to face the reality of No Contact. She has already taken 2 digs at my husband (very subtly and by text message) in the 48 hours since I told her no more negativity or opinions!

          Thanks for your support Sue and you take care too xo

    Valerie Wedel
    September 25, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    WOW … nail on head… really looking forward to the mother in law one. It is another piece of understanding (actually, compassion, too). So I want to make darn sure I don’t pass any more junk to my own kids, especially my 17-yr old daughter, who is choosing to live with her abusive dad (probably narc, definitely seriously wounded). The dad hasn’t changed, I myself am perfectly content to keep a very safe distance. How does one support one’s daughter in this situation? I get she is looking for something from him. How do I let go and yet be supportive? How do I free us both from my own stuff, from a somewhat wounded family, in my own growing up? Can you suggest a formula for working with mod 11? Am about to do another journey with mod 11 about knowing she is on her own soul’s journey and is safe and fine. (Because that is the opposite of how I feel just now!) But I don’t doubt I have added to her wounding by, among other things, freezing when her dad raged before we separated. I know my daughter felt she had to protect me. Totally backwards, but real. How to heal it all?
    As always,
    Thank you!
    Val (in Colorado)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 25, 2017

      Hi Val,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you.

      Have you watched the videos with me and Devon regarding doing QFH work by proxy? I totally believe Val that THAT work os the most powerful way we can ever help our children.

      Here is this really important two-part series (I believe every parent should watch it!)

      I hope this helps lovely lady.

      Mel xo

    Gail Trevelyan
    September 26, 2017

    Although I don’t believe for a moment that my mother was narcissistic she was and still is completely unable to show or give the emotions she claims to feel. She tells me and anybody who will listen that she loves me so much and is so proud of me but as a child everything was so controlled and I never felt unconditional love except from my father who I found dead at age 5.
    Her way of dealing with this was to ‘normalise’ my life so after she had explained carefully what dead meant and after his funeral, he was never spoken of again. Even now at 48 I’ve only made a few attempts to learn more about him and haven’t got far. But as that child I felt that it must be my fault. (I’ve learned third through counselling).
    She is 80 now and we are still emotionally distant. She lives in Spain while I live in UK and she is the only family I have – I am 4th generation only female child with a father ego died or left before age 5. (If that isn’t trauma history repeating I don’t know what is. And it remains the main reason I chose never to have a child. My mother broke contact with my grandmother before I was ten yet continues to behave exactly like her. I knew someone had to break the cycle but my only tool was contraception. And I was right.
    Only after an na relationship/marriage have I finally come to the inner layer of the onion. The realisation that I will never have a life of inner peace until I not only understand my issues (I did this years ago and happily gave the n all the ammo her needed to twist his manipulative behaviour to being my childhood issues) but also heal them.
    I believe NARP is my tool to make this journey but my resistance to shifts is huge. I feel overwhelming emotions but absolutely no shifts.
    The nh’s favourite show stopper was “I’m not your mother” and, although I think the trauma from finding my father dead was massive, I am coming to the belief that the trauma of my mother’s way of ‘dealing with me’ coupled with her emotional unavailability was the deepest wound because I thin that had I been brought up with memories of my father being ok to express and unconditional love coming from my remaining parent I would have felt with this loss better.
    Instead I truly enjoyed the increasingly sexual relationship I had with my best friend’s big brother which started when I was 8. I sought sex from men of all ages after being raped aged 11, I only ever chose relationships with men who I knew it wouldn’t work out with, I’ve only ever had a small and ever evolving friendship group and when I finally met ‘the one’ – endorsed by all I knew- he turned out to be the n.
    And just in case I didn’t get what I needed to do for myself, life chucked one extra hint at me.
    I left him believing I was too screwed up to have a relationship. Two months later he was diagnosed with cancer and a month later he was told it was terminal. 5 months after I left him and only two months after I realised I’d been abused, he died.
    That was June 16. The flying monkeys surrounding his death broke what was left of me and I’ve been struggling since.
    I module but my resistance prevents any shifts. My resistance is self protection. I daren’t open up even to myself. I feel the wall building up and I so want to tear it down.
    Melanie, do you have anything you can suggest to help me thrive beyond keep doing NARP? Which I am but only weekly because the emotional pain cripples me and there are no shifts to compensate (I got the programme in May? June? last year.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 28, 2017

      Hi Gail,

      my heart goes out to you – that trauma of finding your father dead would have been horrendous, and the disconnection regarding your Mum and missing details about him … so painful.

      It is so true the only relief comes from the releasing of those traumas. And of course, the painful pattern has been in place, generating relationships which are traumatic also.

      Awww gosh Gail, another significant man in your life dying, how painful again.

      Gail my absolute suggestion to the resistance is getting help in the NARP Forum and what we can help you do in there is target the resistance directly … and break it down … then you will be free to release the trauma.

      Of course its protection, and that’s so understandable – yet it is blocking the release. But all of that can be deal with. The most massive of defence structures can be melted down with NARP when we decide “there is nothing else to do” if we want freedom from the pain and our True Lives to begin.

      I hope this helps Gail, with help I know you are going to make it. Many of the Thrivers in the NARP Forum have also dealt with this. I did too with enormous ego blocks. It was a matter of going in and targeting THEM – truly.

      Mel xo

    September 28, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I’m a little confused. My ex’s mom I thought she was a narc, but she’s not the type of narc that abuses them. She treats their kids as if they were kings, and everyone should kiss their feet. She literally told one of them that exact thing once. She makes them believe that their partners should do absolutely everything for them and doesn’t care about the other person. What does that make her? Would love your insight on this. Thanks so much!

    Much love,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 28, 2017

      Hi Ane,

      the over-entitlement is something that N parents can grant. Absolutely … It is engulfing, spoiling, over-indulging. Make no mistake it IS abuse. It is living an extension of their own entitlement through their children. And means their children don’t know how to handle disappointment “accept a NO”, respect boundaries, have regard for others, or know how to self-partner and self-soothe. They will grow up – usually – as narcissists.

      I hope this explains.

      Mel xo

    October 6, 2017

    Just finished the personality test and answered from the standpoint of a family member who I believe to be a narc. Scored very high on the test. Is it possible to create an assessment for evaluating family or friends thanks. I plan on taking the test for myself to see where I rank.

    October 9, 2017

    Amazing thought…..i like it very much

    October 20, 2017

    Dear Melanie
    I am on the narp programme.started Feb 2017.
    I love to sign up with your forum. Need help please.

    I no contact with cruel ex malignant narc pyscopathic partner since June this year. I had to get the police to caution him to stop contacting me. It nearly destroyed me.

    I am selling my home as I can’t find work and limited income. Not enough to keep my home. It’s constant struggle financially. (Due to ex duping me financially) he took my car etc…

    I am planing to stay with my mother for a while!!!!
    Not sure what else to do. She is abusive at times on and off. . It’s like she has two personalities.

    I ended up in hospital last Christmas due to ex.
    My mother was kind to look after my two jack Russells. I took care of me. She not maternal even though she thinks she’s best mother in the world. I never felt loved by her emotionally.
    My brother took his own life, he had a narcissistic girlfriend.
    I was blamed as told by my father should have been me.
    My dad is a voilent psychopath. My mother is manipulative and emotional abusive with gas lighting, cognitive dissonance etc.. Childhood was toxic shaming guilt and obligation and fear based.
    Parents divorced when I was 14 years old.
    I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries and self trust.I was the scapegoat and codependant being the parent to my parents and two brothers.
    I worked hard all my life and did ok. I am kind and compassionate.
    My home at the moment has been my safe haven. My sanctuary my security .
    Now I feel it’s time to let it go. Not sure no plan b.
    Stay with my mother? For a while.
    Maybe I need to do more inner work to change my outer world.
    Your work your videos are great insight to healing.
    I love your voice so Soothing and I feel comfort and strength and connected.
    Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 20, 2017

      Hi Anna,

      it is really important that you do get into the NARP FOrum for support and coaching with what you are dealing with.

      It will help you so much.

      Please email and one of my lovely team members will help you.

      Mel xo

    November 9, 2017

    Brilliant video……I had the narc father but my mother had many of these traits as well. It was a hell life with both of them. Narp has totally given me an understanding of this and the Narp program has been brilliant in my healing of mother wounds. This program is Life changing. DO IT. My brother, the golden child, is an awful narc. I’ve done no contact with my family for years. I was the spiritual child and always knew early in my life there must be another way to live as I was so stuck in my life until I found Narp. This program is a must, there is nothing else to do. After 2+ years of doing Narp, I still use it when triggers arise as I evolve all the time. It will change your life if you do the work. Do it for yourself, there is nothing else to do.❤️

    November 16, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    Great video, also the Father one! I always seem to find a lot of information about N partners, but little about parents. And I feel that those two are really different, because growing up with N parents, you really do not know what is normal, and it is quite a journey to find people who can show you ‘normal’, ‘loving’ and supportive behaviour, to learn from. I just really did not know how the world could be too. Also it is still a great struggle to get people to believe me, because a lot of people do not believe what I tell happened, because my parents are ‘so nice’, and my sibblings say ‘nothing’ happened.

    You say it is not your problem who the next one when you do no contact. But what if that is a child, one of your nieces. I feel so bad to leave her in those ‘claws’. Her mother (my sister) was her Golden Child, so she doesn’t see, and I am not allowed contact with my niece because my sister (and rest of the family) says I am the crazy one sadly. Would you still say leave and let it go?

    Regretfully I have 2 N parents and I recognize so much from your video’s thank you for that. For a long time I have been scared that I was the one being narcissistic because that is what I was told. I did the test you have online and that helped m enourmously, i feel like that is a big step in healing already. (it said i was definately not). But I have been very ill due to that for a long time now, and now I run into N doctors all the time and get retraumatized a lot. You also say that we are responsible for our own healing, but sometimes you really need doctors right? And a lot of therapists do not understand Narcissitic abuse. How do I deal with these things?

    Thank you,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 16, 2017

      HI Laura,

      my heart goes out to you with the trauma that you have suffered.

      In regard to other people including your niece, we can’t change other people, but we can heal how we feel about it. That is the only real place our power lies. For myself, when I have fears or concerns about the people I love in my life, I know I cant jump in to save them physically, so what I do is NARP Modules on them regarding how I feel about them and shift myself to see them “getting well” “healing” “coming into their power” – whatever it is that I wish for them.

      And … invariably that shift for them happens not long after.

      In regard to doctors and healing – my take on this is so within – so without. We keep meeting in life the unhealed inner parts of ourselves if we don’t go inwards to them and heal them.

      I was told by doctors I would never recover. When I turned inwards and healed my traumatised Inner Being with Quanta Freedom Healing all my physical symptoms that were supposedly chronic, and that I was told I would be stuck with for life all melted away.

      My healing from N-abuse did not come from therapists, it came with QFH.

      I hope something in this can help you.

      Mel xo

        November 16, 2017

        Dear Melanie,

        Thank you so much for you answers! I wil try to do the modules on my niece too, and work on myself more too.

        Actually your first sentence made me cry because in all those years no one has ever said that to me. Thank you.


    December 3, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thanks for sharing your videos.
    I’ve watched many on YouTube and this one was really helpful. I am a Narp member for about 4 weeks now. Slowly doing the modules when I have time so I can heal from childhood traumas and become the best mother to my 2 children. My mother and I live in different countries for 9 years now, but always being in contact. I always knew I needed to live far away, so I’d be free to be myself. But I only found out about narcissistic abuse 4 months ago. (by watching another Chanel on YouTube) Everything makes sense now! I’m happy and excited I found your program. It’s been a long journey ( many years) of getting to know myself and be the person that God created me to be. (I know this journey never ends) but everything is more clear now and I’m learning to love myself each day.
    Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi FLower,

      It’s my pleasure 🙂

      That is so good that you are clearing and healing from the trauma.

      Wishing you many blessings.

      Mel xo

    Angelina Lazar
    August 22, 2018

    Thanks, Mel, for tipping me off to this!
    My mother is a COVERT NARCISSIST, who passed on her CURSE to my BROTHER who is now one, and he, in turn, passed it onto his FIRST-BORN (my nephew)!
    These people are ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS and don’t know WHAT SIDE IS UP!
    They have NO TRUTH and NO GOD in them!
    But BECAUSE they all AGREE with each other, they NATURALLY FIGURE they must be RIGHT when they couldnt be FURTHER from the TRUTH!
    And yet, they REFUSE to even LISTEN to it!
    They are straight up WICKED in their LYING SPIRITS, and ABUSIVE, GROTESQUELY UNFAIR and flew into a MEDLEY of RAGES on Good Friday when they could NOT HOLD BACK ANY LONGER as they saw I wasn’t PHASED IN THE LEAST by their lies and would NOT be DISSUADED and would NOT take COMMANDS from them but called them OUT ON IT, letting them know it’s a MULTI-GENERATIONAL CURSE, that they needed to REPENT, that their LIES will NOT PASS, that they need to be PREACHED TO, and I will take it to the CHURCH/PRIEST next, but that the TRUTH would be ESTABLISHED and that I HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE!

    They wanted to OUST ME from OUR FAMILY HOME as though I were NOT a FAMILY MEMBER!
    As though I were SOME DOG!
    As though I SINNED against THEM when they SINNED against ME, and I wasn’t having it!

    The PLAYED their TRUMP CARD, and I TRUMPED THEM with the TRUTH they couldnt take!
    So they FOUGHT and FOUGHT and FOUGHT for their LIE to win out, and try to SKEW the DICKENS out of the truth JUST so they can SAVE FACE
    and will not have to APOLOGIZE and be SHAME-FACED in front of the rest of the FAMILY!

    They do NOT even SUBSCRIBE to the TRUTH!
    Don’t even want to KNOW IT!
    They WANT the LIE to pass as TRUTH so they can go on LIVING in all their salacious GOSSIP and SLANDER and LOOK RIGHT….
    even if they AREN’T!

    I’ve NEVER SEEN any people MORE committed to a LIE than THEM!
    They will be DILIGENT about ARRIVING at the TRUTH!
    But I noticed this bunch SEVERED OFF ALL PATHS to GET TO THE TRUTH!
    They want to SNUFF IT OUT!
    Make sure it doesnt see the LIGHT OF DAY so NO ONE WILL BE THE WISER!
    They just want their LIES about me to PASS, and they all AGREE to just STICK TO THEM,
    and think they can CALL IT A DAY and that NO ONE will then even be able to GET to the BOTTOM OF IT!

    They don’t know God and they don’t have the truth in them!
    who is very,very crafty… but hides it like the dickens,
    so she comes off looking like an honourable, kind, loving grandmother!

    The very interesting thing to note is that EVERY PROPHET…
    and I have travelled the world,
    and am a Prophet, Myself,
    so can only CONSULT with OTHERS at that level on ALL spiritual matters…
    (when I never even MENTIONED HER),
    and they all called her the very same thing:
    “A WITCH”!
    They would say: ‘Someone very close to you in your family…. a femaile… has been willing you evil all of your life! She’s a witch!’
    They didn’t want to HURT ME by stating it was my mother, but I would always ask: ‘MY MOTHER!?’…..
    They only admit then.
    They think I can’t take it… but I’ve known it all along about her games, and trying to brake my nerves; it fills her with glee!
    It actually makes her HAPPY!
    She ALWAYS needs to have a VICTIM!
    And since I left, she goes after employees!
    But she never repented or corrected her ways!
    And now, she’s 82, and she’s still at it. . . .
    People see her vice and EVERYONE lets her get away with it (those who see) just because she’s older, or a grandmother, or family member
    so don’t want to rock the boat… whatever . . .
    But God told me I need to call her to Repentance or He will hold ME accountable for WHY I said nothing!
    I said nothing growing up (that’s that not having a voice).
    Our parents ALWAYS told us to “SHUT UP”!
    They didn’t care about OUR needs, but theirs!
    They had NO TIME for us!
    But especially, ME!
    I was the BLACK SHEEP of the FAMILY!
    My mother HATED ME at birth, so my father gave me a variation of HER name so she would love me!
    – Didn’t work!
    She VOWED she would HATE ME all the days of her life, it is CLEAR!
    And she DID!

    So with all her craftiness, she convinced my small-minded brother there was a REASON behind her DISPPROVAL, when there is not…
    a child is never to blame…… I am SURE she didn’t want to have another child, and my father FORCED her, so she took it all out on ME!
    No ifs, ands or buts!
    Clear as day!
    So in HER small mind, she feels she’s JUSTIFIED to put out ALL HER HATRED and VENGEANCE onto ME because I CAME INTO this WORLD through HER when SHE WAS TOTALLY AGAINST THAT, and YET, I WON OUT, as she sees it!
    It’s called GOD’S WILL!
    But she doesnn’t understand that.
    AND… she REFUSES to DISCUSS things!
    She just CLAMS UP TOTALLY!
    She is THREATENED by the TRUTH or she would be DISCOVERED!
    THAT would NOT BE GOOD!
    ‘CAUSE then people would TURN on HER who BELIEVED HER! . . .
    So she CARRIES forth the FALSE NARRATIVE!
    NO TRUTH means ANYTHING to her!

    I SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT and did even when I was 8 years old, and decided to leave her to God!
    I told God He knows if she is SINCERE if she says she repents, then to just forgive her,
    but I don’t want to be the Judge; I give it up to Him!
    Not a chance!
    TOO MANY of them!
    And I could NEVER remember them all!
    So.. He can just go by her HEART if she just tells Him…
    She doesn’t even need to APOLOGIZE to ME..
    I just want her REPENTANCE & SALVATION!
    – But to be very truthful: I see NO SIGN of it!
    Instead, her wicked plan just burgeoned and spread to her son who swallowed it whole and to HIS son!
    They have a WEB now of all their nonsense based on nothing, and you can’t talk them out of ANYTHING!
    They WANT it to be TRUE… otherwise, they’re TOTALLY DEFACED so can’t have the TRUTH come gushing out!
    NO WAY!
    ALL their EFFORTS are put forth on FORTIFYING their LIE and CUTTING OFF ALL ROADS that lead to the TRUTH!

    This is their GAME NOW!

    But it WON’T PASS!

    I know EXACTLY what I will DO!
    And it’s ONLY the TRUTH I allow in My Life!
    And I will PUT IT OUT for them to DEAL with THEMSELVES!

    Best & God Bless!
    Love & Best!
    + + +

    I Realize ALOT of People need to DO THAT!
    And they need to SEE it DONE!
    As MANY parents and family members are straight up ABUSIVE and that is a CRIMINAL!
    They just GET AWAY WITH IT because people don’t hold them to task for it!
    I HOLD a MIRROR to people to SEE themselves!
    And THIS is a DUTY I HAVE so they will be ENLIGHTENED, and I will have fulfilled My Obligation toward God
    otherwise, He would hold ME accountable!

    So THIS is what I am doing NOW!

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