Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Stop Seeking Validation From Others

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 11
46
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I don’t know about you, but I personally know what it used to be like …. to NEVER feel good enough.

Maybe you relate to this too:

Trying to keep the peace, going along and pleasing other people so that you can feel accepted.

Believing that how OTHER people see you is everything …

And suffering the exhaustion of trying to live up to THEIR standards to get some crumbs of their love.

That was me until I understood how much trauma and a mess ‘seeking validation’ really gets us into, and how it strips our self-esteem and personal power.

It certainly DOESN’T build it up!

And …. horrifyingly … how it makes us SOOOOO susceptible to narcissists.

In fact, it is ONE of our WORST ‘emotional gaps’, as the other side of the MAGNET, which allows narcissists into our life and keeps us attached to them!

If you are suffering from never feeling good enough, being invisible and other people not validating you –  even ABUSING you instead …

And you want to know how to heal from this and start generating true validation effortlessly, then this episode is a must watch for you.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series, the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

It’s so interesting when we understand that ‘seeking validation from others’ is one of the most serious ‘gaps’ we can have on the inside that makes us susceptible to narcissists.

And, like all our inner emotional fractures, this can be our normal as it is for most people. We have all grown up in a world of trying to feel whole from the outside in, rather than knowing how to generate our self-fullness from the inside out.

Some people may even think being filled with self-worth and self-love is ‘narcissism’, believing this would be like being self-absorbed to the detriment of others. Yet, nothing could be further from the truth.

The more we investigate what ‘seeking validation’ is all about, the more we realise that this is another one of those two sides of the same coin thing, that narcissists and co-dependents both suffer from, which can cause them to bond together.

Narcissists are not likely to change what they do regarding seeking outer validation, but we can. With self-awareness and dedication to our inner work, we can move up and out of these trajectories of toxic relationships by healing and changing ourselves.

Being freed from the need for validation is one of the most empowering things we can ever achieve, in order to have healthy relationships with ourselves, others and Life, and I can’t wait to share with you why!

Let’s look at the ways that we can seek validation from others, how narcissists do this also, and the results, and how to release ourselves from it.

 

Trying to Please Others to Be Loved

It is impossible to be all things to all people. I really love this expression, ‘If we try not to upset everyone else, we will only upset ourselves.’

The Co-dependent Model of trying to please others to be loved is this: ‘If I give you enough of what you want, then you will grant me the love, approval, survival or security that will help me feel whole.’

The results of this are you are feeling emptied out, taken advantage of and not respected. It doesn’t bring the love, approval, survival and security you wish to achieve, and can even be a recipe for staying attached to abuse.

The Narcissistic Model of this is: ‘I will tell you what you want to hear so that I continue doing what I do, or give you enough, at times, so that I can keep you hooked and manipulate you for my own agenda.’

The results of this are abuse, power plays, unhealthy dependencies and control.

 

The solution is to heal ourselves enough so that we can live aligned with our true values. This means saying ‘No’ when our Inner Being knows it is not healthy for us to give. It means allowing others to become empowered by doing for themselves rather than keeping them enabled to stay sick, dysfunctional, powerless and able to mine other people.

It means that we stop handing power away to people so that they will like us, and start generating healthy relationships with other adults of shared power instead.

It also means addressing the compulsion inside you to fix and give to unhealthy others in order to be loved.

Module 6 in NARP is very powerful to get these specific Inner Identity shifts achieved.

 

Needing Attention and Compliments

In this social-media age, it can be very alluring for people, when they feel empty on the inside, to try to get compliments and attention from others in order to feel worthy and whole.

The Co-dependent Model is to do this to try to alleviate feelings of self-doubt, not being good enough and feeling unattractive. Believing that one’s worth is tried up in these things, rather than unconditionally loving and accepting ourselves.

The results of this are any compliments or responses received you won’t trust, and if you don’t receive enough to feel temporarily better about yourself, then you will feel even more unacceptable than you did previously.

The Narcissistic Model of this is an attempt to gain much needed narcissistic supply, the attention and acclaim that allows them to know that they exist. A narcissist may also be scouring for new drug dealers, meaning new supply, who they can hook up with.

The results of this are a brief high, that becomes a low again, needing even more attention in the future to come up and out of self-rejection. New sources of supply will be mined if acquired or used to punish an existing love partner who is not appeasing the narcissist’s False Self adequately.

 

The solution is to be very honest with yourself when feeling empty and having the compulsion to get attention from others. Turn inwards to yourself instead.

If you are a NARP member, approach, hold and load up those parts inside that feel unworthy or not good enough to be loved and accepted. Let them go and bring in the Source Healing to this, which allows you to know that you are loved, held and adored beyond measure by all of Existence unconditionally, simply because you exist.

Know that if you want to become a better self aesthetically, that is perfectly okay, but rather than trying to punish and admonish yourself into shape, work at this lovingly, supporting and partnering yourself no matter what, throughout the process.

 

Over Achieving to Gain Love

If you were made to feel invisible when you were young, you may believe that you must be ‘exceptional’ in order to be seen and valued by others.

You may try to tell lengthy stories to people so that they like you. Or, you may believe that you have to tell them about your accomplishments. Maybe you believe that you need to be intellectual, stimulating, mesmerising or funny for people to like you.

Or maybe you think you are ‘too much of this’ or ‘not enough of that’ because people told you that when you were growing up and try to adjust yourself accordingly.

There is an old saying, ‘When you stand in front of the crowd naked, the crowd will roar its approval’. This means that you are perfect as you are, and when you get totally okay with accepting who you are without trying to twist yourself into all sorts of shapes to be liked by others, then people will just organically like you also.

The Co-dependent Model of this is: ‘I am not enough as I am and therefore need to be what appeals to other people in order to be accepted and loved by them.’

The results of this are people don’t gravitate to you, and you feel even more alone and invisible. If they do, your relationships are superficial and not deep and trustworthy.

The Narcissistic Model of this is: ‘If I can be exactly what other people want me to be, then I can get them to trust me, and I can have this person eating out of my hands.’

The results of this are the co-dependent/narcissistic union of a toxic and abusive relationship.

 

The solution is to check in with yourself to see if you are trying to put on a mask in order to be accepted. Be very aware that your goal, to set yourself free, is to be yourself, rather than trying to create a performance to be accepted by others.

Go deeply inside to heal those parts of you that don’t believe that your authentic self is acceptable, so that you can just relax, be you and emerge as yourself feeling whole and calm no matter what other people are or aren’t being.

 

Placing Your Worth In ‘Stuff’

If we believe that we are only as good as our last paycheck, what acquisitions we have, how we dress, what we achieve, and how other people view our ‘level of success’, then we are in for a very hard time.

Maybe we had parents who were hard on us, trying to make us successful. Perhaps we were brought up with material values where our parents put more emphasis on achievements, money and ‘stuff,’ than human emotions and seeing the worth of who we are as people.

The Co-dependent Model of this is: ‘I’m not going to be loved, accepted or chosen unless I am a,b,c,d,e.’ (The list will depend on the person.)

The results of this are a very precarious position for our Inner Identity because there will always be someone better, we could lose stuff at any time, there is great pressure to get ‘stuff’, and ‘stuff’ is always becoming outdated and needs to be upgraded. Plus, we will attract people who love us for what we have, and not who we are.

The Narcissistic Model is: acquisitions and ego feeds take them away from their terrible inner feelings, for a time. They use these things to self-medicate, and wield power and influence over people, and therefore must have them, even at the cost of all else.

 

The solution is one that many people in this community are faced with.  Narcissistic abuse is synonymous with heavy financial loses, and most of us ended up losing virtually, if not everything, regarding our finances, possessions and properties.

This means that we need to let go of having our Identity wrapped around such things and for the first time in our lives (usually) turn inwards and value our soul and Inner Identity health more than anything else.

When we do this, a massive shift occurs. We accept ourselves and our value just for being our self. And then, anything we build onto that in a material sense is simply more of who we are being. In no way is our Inner Identity reliant on it any anymore.

 

Trying to Change People’s Minds About Us

If we are accused of doing things that we don’t do and couldn’t consider doing, we can be appalled and terrorised by the thought of people, especially someone we wish to love us, thinking terrible things about us.

This is one of the biggest recipes for abuse, staying connected to someone who is projecting their character on to you whilst trying to get them to think decent things about you, and believing that your Inner Identity depends on them “getting it”.

The Co-dependent Model of this is: being hugely susceptible to trying to convince people that you are kind, loving and good, despite them purporting the exact opposite.

The results of this are discovering this person doesn’t stop projecting their disowned unacceptable parts on to you. In fact, it only gets worse, and you get destroyed in the process.

The Narcissistic Model is this: he or she will be triggered by any version of you (real or imagined), that isn’t aligned with their own False Self above reproach version. This happens often on a hairline trigger.

The results of this are you walking on broken glass continually, trying to organise yourself and your life, unsuccessfully, around someone else’s malfunctioning personality and abusive behaviour.

 

The solution is in understanding: ‘What other people think of you is none of your business. What you think about you is your business.’

Constructive criticism is one thing that we can all benefit from, yet, having people attack your character and you trying to defend yourself against that is entirely another.

When you heal the broken parts of you that were blamed, scapegoated and made to feel fearful of authority, as well as being criticised, rejected, abandoned and punished (CRAP) by others when you were young and defenceless, then you can have a solid Inner Identity that doesn’t have to agree or argue or justify against anyone’s opinion of you.

You will know it is an indication of them, not you, and you can refuse to play with them anymore.

 

Conclusion

Please know seeking oneself from the outside is incredibly painful and equals ‘how to lose’.

We may not realise that it is an attempt to defy Quantum Law, ‘so within, so without,’ and it doesn’t work.

If you feel empty and deficient in self-love and self-worth, then no matter how much you try to get validation from others, you won’t. You will always come up empty.

And please know, in no way are you establishing self-validation about your life being an island, meaning you being the only source of self to yourself.

In stark contrast, when you are filled with your own self-love and self-worth as a result of healing the beliefs of ‘being nourished and flourished by all of Existence for being you,’ and cleaning up all the painful inner invalidation wounds as a child,  then you will feel whole and full, and genuinely validate and love others in healthy ways also.

No longer will you subconsciously be doing it to try to get approval. You will simply be doing it unconditionally as an outpour of yourself.

Have you ever noticed this following truth about life?  When you no longer need something and are being that yourself, then it comes in abundance?

It’s true, you will start choosing and cogenerating relationships with other healthy people who also have the resources to healthily connect and validate you and you will easily leave alone those relationships that don’t.

I hope this has helped a lot, and given you great food for thought on this topic!

And I’m so looking forward to answering your comments and questions regarding this episode and exactly how to achieve glorious self-validation.

 

(Visited 1 times, 21 visits today)
The following two tabs change content below.
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)


Your Free New Life Starter Pack

2 free eBooks free intro Video 2 hour free Webinar
  • Find out if someone in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • Learn how to do “No Contact” and keep it for good.
  • Discover how to get relief from the pain.
  • Learn how to reclaim your life with my 10-step process.

Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.

ssl security padlock   We value your privacy. Your information will never be shared.
46 Thoughts on How To Stop Seeking Validation From Others
  • peginboynton@hotmail.com'
    Peggy Koska
    December 13, 2018

    Hi Melanie! This episode really hit home for me. I thank you for it. I spent 34 years with my husband who, no matter how much I tried to get him to love me, he just didn’t. I went to therapy sessions of all kinds whether I was addressing mental, emotional or spiritual help, and sought treatments on communication so I could tell him exactly how I felt and what I needed from him.
    I really am Bipolar, that’s the truth because I have it in my family as well. When I was finally diagnosed, he flipped me over his shoulder without a second glance, just like you have described before.
    Unfortunately, I cannot afford the NARP program, so I have been working with your workshop and YouTube sample healing sessions and thank you SO MUCH for those. I use the one about unworthiness for love all the time, like 4-5 days a week. It has really helped me, and I am so grateful! Thank you Melanie! And, if all goes well in my divorce, I’ll be buying the entire NARP program soon! You’re truly a lifesaver !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2018

      Hi Peggy,

      I am so pleased the healings are helping you so much, and that you are coming home to you.

      Please know you are very welcome. Also Peggy are you aware that you can access NARP immediately in a very low and affordable payment plan?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Sending continuous blessings and breakthroughs to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Hunterkathryn021@gmail.com'
    Katie
    December 13, 2018

    This has really hit the nail on the head, as it were, and I can speak from experience. I have been using NARP and ESC for 11 months now, and I can attest to a total turnaround in my life. I previously dealt with narcissistic individuals in my workplace, and even when I tried so hard to do everything right, I was still criticized. I was depressed and drained. There was nothing else to do but go within. I am now comfortable and confident with who I am. It’s really amazing how using NARP and ESC shifts a lot of stuff, even when I didn’t consciously state it is to be the source resolution and healing of it. I am no longer triggered by narc-types and their comments and opinions, because I now know they are merely comments and opinions and have nothing to do with who I am as I walk my truth. I no longer have physiological symptoms associated with proponged depression and I no longer attempt to please everyone at my expense. I still use modules daily and I will continue to do so forever.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2018

      Hi Katie,

      I am so thrilled for you that you have done the inner work and achieved your breakthrough!

      Yay to you and Thriving!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Tarokh1771@gmail.com'
    Mary "Teiwaz" H.
    December 13, 2018

    Wow again !!! “Food for thought” ? ~ More like a buffet of endlessly healthy meals !!! Your insight and wisdom never cease to amaze ! It only inspires me to continue on this journey….. I identified with so much in this video I scarcely know where to begin…. Materialism hit home – After enduring so much pain over the years, I found some solace in that. Yet of course it’s no substitute for people….. I look forward to getting healthier and having a better understanding of self-partnering !!! You literally saved my life and my sanity and my thankfulness just grows with every module and every video !!!! This one I will be rewatching several times just to grasp the abundance of info it contains….. Thank you Mel yet again….. You are just Awesome !!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2018

      Hi Mary,

      Thank you for your beautiful words and please know how welcome you are.

      I’m so happy we are conjoined in this incredible Thriver journey!

      Bless you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • catherinehowell13@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    December 14, 2018

    Hi been doing narp for 10 months and just bought your book i love the book and I have now been off antidepressants for 4 months after years of being in them through abuse ..all I ever wanted was someone to live me but now realise u was looking in all the wrong places Thank you Mel wonderful can’t thank you enough for all the help in my life xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2018

      Hi Catherine,

      I am so so happy for you doing so well.

      Many continue blessings to you and thank you for being you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • simonie77@hotmail.com'
    Simon Thompson
    December 14, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    I am 47, I lost my mum when I was 20 months old. My father is overt Narcissist. He destroyed my self worth and projected his own toxic baggage onto me for 40 plus years. From 3-11 I was emotionally abused by his second partner, she was an acoholic. I never knew what NPD was until 3 years ago. Once I realised I could never have any peace in my life while I endured his NPD I decided to go no contact. I have been struggling to trust all my life and your NARP program and Videos have given me such an amazing insight. I now understand I can heal, it’s taking time but I feel more empowered. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, as I did get to a point of wanting to end my life on a number of occasions, but this understanding as knowledge has helped me through. I have 2 daughters 3 & 10, I am able to love them despite my damage, I am so posative about their future. Thank you so much. Regards Simon Weedon Bec UK

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2018

      Hi Simon,

      That is so wonderful that you are turned inwards to you and healing.

      That takes great courage and self dedication after what you have been through.

      Please know how welcome you are Simon and thank you for being such an inspiration for yourself and others.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Hkfisher@yahoo.com'
    Heidi
    December 14, 2018

    Thank you Mel. This article added a whole new dimension of insight. Really appreciate how you share so much wisdom.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2018

      Hi Heidi,

      It’s my pleasure and thank you for your comment.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • KAV1@protonmail.com'
    Kathy
    December 14, 2018

    Hi Melanie ,
    Still resonating from the truth and the amazing insight contained in this article. I saw my past Self in almost every segment and felt all the inner turmoil and pain those behaviors caused me. I come from a violent, Narcissistic alcoholic family and as a child I learned to survive by people pleasing, wearing masks – by their treatment of me I learned that being myself certainly wasn’t good enough ,etc.I used to chase people for approval, people that I didn’t even like. Now, instead of asking myself “do they like me ?” the question is “do I like them ?”. Now , If a Narc smears me or someone makes a mean comment, and ,sometimes they do,I just set a boundary and walk away. I don’t take things personally.
    I am no longer angry, crushed or reactive …its about who they are, not about me.
    I feel so peaceful and empowered these days. Your program rocks , Melanie !!! So many people can be helped with this program. Thanks again. ❤

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 14, 2018

      Hi Kathy,

      Look at you go!

      I love everything that you’ve written.

      It is stunning when we look back at how we were Being as the Old Self and how different it is after the inner work.

      Thrive On Dear Lady!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Anna
        December 15, 2018

        Hi Melanie,
        I love this one: ‘What other people think of you is none of your business. What you think about you is your business.’ I also like what Kathy said: Now, instead of asking myself “do they like me ?” the question is “do I like them ?” I’d almost like to write that to a post-it note 🙂

        After the n abuse, I feel all my relationships are in turmoil or in re-evaluation…I recently had birthday and one friend gave me a box of chocolate. Sounds sweet. But I have a high cholesterol, struggle with sugar cravings and a near addiction, so I was like, what on earth she was thinking?! Chocolate is very harmful for me, so I cannot imagine a worse present. I felt offended..like she couldn’t care less about me.
        I also sent christmas greeting to a friend. This is a man, but has never been anything else than a friend, I don’t feel anything romantic towards him at all. (he is not a n)
        He didn’t and hasn’t replied anything. It would take just a couple of seconds to write a reply with a text message. I feel angry and humiliated, I feel very triggered and my anger escalating.
        Like Kathy says: “I don’t take things personally. I am no longer angry, crushed or reactive …its about who they are, not about me.” But this is very hard for me, not to take things personally! Christmas is a time of good will, I sincerely wanted to wish him a merry christmas, because I’m polite and warm person. Then I become treated like this, with arrogance and ignorance, with silence. It hurts. Indeed, it is about him, not me. He is not showing manners or polite behaviour now, by not answering to me.

        It’s sad, sometimes I feel almost like…after the n abuse and actually feeling much better these days, I still sometimes feel I could easily live as a hermit…Interacting with other people is so difficult, because it seems they always disappoint me 🙁

        I feel after the n abuse, even when I done lot of healing…it feel like I’ve even more reactive now than before. Because, obviously, I became treated during many years so badly by the n, I have zero tolerance to any of that nowadays. So if someone (non-n) person or friend treats me in some day way that makes me feel bad, I quickly jump on to “conclusions”: S/he does not respect me, s/he is intentionally hurting me, doesn’t care about me…when the reality is, they might just be busy, thoughtless, absent minded, in other words, their behaviour has nothing to do with me. How I could stop taking things personally? But if I don’t take “things personally”, doesn’t it mean, that then somehow I allow/accept disrespect, abuse, bad behaviour continue towards me? Melanie could you clarify this?

        This “How to stop seeking validation from others” is also little bit unclear concept for me. What does it mean in real life terms/situations? If I’m polite (and for example send christmas greetings)…should I somehow just stop expecting that people treat me well and with respect and somehow “be okay” if they don’t? Obviously that makes me feel bad. Or is it so, that if people time and time again treat me with ignorance, then it is time for me to set a boundary, walk away and stop connecting with these people ever again in any shape or form?

        It’s sort of sad to make these questions…Maybe one of the reason I became n abused, because it is unclear to me, what is normal in relationships and what is not.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 15, 2018

          Hi Anna,

          You have asked really pertinent questions which I am sure many other people are thinking too.

          Anna, in all my experience with this and others and Quantum understandings which I totally believe are Real Life (meaning the truth of what is REALLY going on!) … this is my answer.

          If we have unresolved trauma inside us we get triggered and hurt. And, we continue to get triggered and hurt to show us that we have unresolved trauma inside us that we need to release if we want to live free of it.

          Anna our true healing, I firmly believe, doesn’t happen conceptually or logically or with just ‘time’ ‘information’ or even coping and boundary processes. It only really happens when we find and release (fully resolve) our original traumas that are not allowing us to feel whole and worthy.

          Ok … I’ll share with you my experience re ‘not feeling heard or valid.’ This was an old wound from childhood .. that played out everywhere. In group settings no one heard me, talked over the top of me … in personal situations I also felt invalidated constantly. Being Triggered and taking it personally was always the deal for me … it was very painful.

          Until I turned inside and worked on that trauma and it’s origins with NARP Modules, until it no longer existed.
          Then the shift was incredible. People were listening, I was showing up completely energetically differently. I was able to identify and leave people in my life who were narcissistic because it’s ‘all about them’. And before I’d leave I’d be honest with them about how I felt and what I needed from them, to see if they did have the resources or not. Without the previous pain, triggers and dismay I used to feel.

          Now invalidation is not my issue because of turning inwards to heal the only person I ever could.

          Anna have you worked with NARP yet to heal http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?

          It takes healing to an authentic level.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

          • anna_elina@luukku.com'
            Anna
            December 15, 2018

            Thank you for the answer! I was tuning into this today, because I felt lot of this restless energy. You are right…when I get very upset if someone for example doesn’t respond to my christmas greeting, this is not really The issue…I get this feeling, it is the ancient pain, how my father always ignored me, didn’t “see” me, feel me. It’s true, I wouldn’t get so upset and triggered about things, if I didn’t have the corresponding wound!

            Now I joke, but I also always become upset, when people ignore me when they are “busy”. Sometimes it feels like an excuse. How much time it takes to send one text message or email…couple of seconds or minutes! I think I only accept this excuse being busy if a person is the president of USA or a mother of five small children! 😀

            I think I’m also always “realistic”. Even if I would be the most healed person on the planet, I think some people just are ignorants, have lack of good manners, etiquette. I can change myself, but not other people 🙁 Maybe then it’s time for me to ignore THEM.

          • anna_elina@luukku.com'
            Anna
            December 19, 2018

            I’d actually still like to address this one you said:

            ” I was able to identify and leave people in my life who were narcissistic…And before I’d leave I’d be honest with them about how I felt and what I needed from them, to see if they did have the resources or not. Without the previous pain, triggers and dismay I used to feel.”

            If we really can identify someone as a n (or otherwise “clueless” or ignorant), isn’t it at that point the best thing to do to just walk away? A n doesn’t care
            “how I felt and what I needed”. I think it would even be dangerous to give that kind of information to a n and be honest (vulnerable) to them! So why “bother” to do any of that what you said, because it makes no difference, and a n probably doesn’t need/want/understand any “closure” anyways? 🙁

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            December 19, 2018

            Hi Anna,

            Many people label people as n’s without being honest and granting the uplevelling opportunity.

            That is really what I am speaking of.

            Absolutely true N behaviour means ‘no more energy’.

            Also if we need clarity any refusal to validate or meet us there at higher healthier relationship confirms ‘the end’.

            It is not about people ‘getting us’ only us ‘getting us’.

            I hope this clarifies!

            Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sandyscruggs@hotmail.com'
    Sandy Scruggs
    December 14, 2018

    Once again, I my little heart is thumping to the beat of these truths you spell out so honestly and eloquently. I’m curious about your writing process. You obviously do your homework and consult with other professionals, but it seems like the Good Lord pours a lot of truths into your head to share with all of us. Can you share the process…just a little bit? Thank you so much, Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 15, 2018

      Hi Sandy,

      I’m so pleased this resonated with you.

      Sandy I don’t consult ‘anyone’. The MTE team work out for me a topic to cover, I sit in a cafe and take dictation that flows regarding what I’ll speak about.

      That’s how it’s always happened for me, ever since I had the epiphany on my bathroom floor all those years ago.

      As I’ve releaeed more and more trauma within with QFH there is more ‘space’ Inside for information to flow through me.

      I am so grateful for this process and I hope that explains.

      Mel 💕❤️💕

      • sandyscruggs@hotmail.com'
        Sandy Scruggs
        December 15, 2018

        It’s a gift! Thanks a million for sharing! You are saving lives.

  • bicyclehead@hotmail.com'
    Michael
    December 15, 2018

    The part of your article “trying to change People’s minds about us” is very poignant. In fact all of your points are. I have experienced all of the above. However, trying to change people’s minds is the most stressful, and therefore, takes the greatest toll on our health because we cannot change people. People are who they are. We can only change ourselves which is what a co-dependent like myself learned only after hitting bottom trying to convince the narcissists that I am not the villain they made me out to be. My abuse occurred at work. I was the scapegoat where multiple people ganged up on me. It was a cultural thing there at my workplace. The business I was working at has many problems and is failing. I was the new guy. I also had been raised by a narcissistic single mother who was raised by my narcissistic grandmother, her narcissistic mother who had been emotionally abused by her own father. My mother decided I was such a bad person, at age 8, she put me in an orphanage for two years. The people at the orphanage told her there was nothing wrong with me and sent me home. She then sent me to live with her brother and his wife. The wife, my aunt, was also a narcissist because my uncle married a woman like his own mother, my grandmother. So, the familial generational abuse continued for another 5 years until my aunt and uncle put me in a youth group home where I was better off. The staff at the youth home found nothing wrong with me either. My behavior there was different but that is because I was no longer being emotionally abused. Unfortunately, the foundation of abuse and being the scapegoat of my familial generation has led me to unwittingly be scapegoated at two work places as an adult. I finally understand and see the pattern and your articles help enormously. Thank you for your articles.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 15, 2018

      Hi Michael,

      Im so pleased this helps shine a light on this for you.

      It’s great that you are understanding patterns. The healing of them, and our emancipation from them lies within.

      That’s what our true inner work is about. Micheal, please know you are very welcome.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • michelle.tomlinson27@gmail.com'
    Mich
    December 15, 2018

    Excellent article Mel. I can totally relate.

  • cristina.roggero@pepperdine.edu'
    Tere
    December 15, 2018

    Dear Melanie,
    It’s been a while I wanted to write you to express my deepest gratitude to you. I miraculously found your videos and articles and short after became a NARP member.
    All your materials helped me to understand that, what I thought it was just a “difficult husband” who I still needed to endure and love, like my mom did to my dad, was an abusive N who would never change.
    The immediate healing that I started experiencing by working the modules of NARP, helped me to be strong enough to ask my N husband, with incredible calm and firmness, to leave. I was not reacting, nor using my children to justify anything. It was just me, placing a boundary like I’ve never had done, and expressing my truth. Thank you Melanie, I couldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for you, for your NARP.
    Two years of unbelievable growth have passed and in this amazing journey, I keep working with the modules, because I want gloriously thrive!!!
    This video once again came to me in the right timing, since right now I want to go deeper in whatever is necessary to definitely accept and love my self. I know I’ve made big progress in this area, but I’m still feeling disconnected, abandoned, invisible, unlovable… and everything you described in this video. Now I know where this feelings come from… and I’m able to understand the patterns in my family and the roles that me and my siblings played to survive the behavior of our narcissistic dad.
    It’s still hard for me to let go some of the “masks”, those that I feel I need to use in different contexts to please others, so I feel loved and accepted.
    I’d love you to guide me, what would be the best way to achieve this goal? Sometimes I feel stuck, not knowing what would be the best sequence of steps to do… having a hard time to release some limiting beliefs, although the mp3 goal module has been very helpful and I love it. Could you please recommend me what sequence of “tasks” should I do?
    My last question, I would like to have access to the shorter version of the modules, how can I do it? I will truly appreciate your help and guide. Thank you so much again!

    Much love and compassion to this beautiful community. I can’t recommend enough the amazing NARP to everyone.❤️
    Much love and gratitude to you, Melanie. God bless you!!🙏
    Tere 🌸

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 15, 2018

      Awww Yerr,

      I’m so happy for you that you’ve had your beautiful breakthroughs to date.

      It’s wonderful that you are still going with your healing – ever wanting to expand and grow.

      That’s what true Thriving is about!

      Tere, first of all are you in the NARP Forum? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?

      I can’t suggest that service enough for you to work closely in with myself, moderators and Thrivers with all aspects of NARP work to get your greatest results.

      Also you can contact my lovely support team support@melanietoniaevans.com re shorter version Module 1 – which will help you multi-purposely, and for what you wish to work on here.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • cristina.roggero@pepperdine.edu'
    Tere
    December 15, 2018

    P/S: besides some missing words and typos -sorry about them!- I want to add to my letter, that my life before NARP was miserable. The suffering, the fear and the pain were unbearable. I felt lonely, insecure, rejected, used, abused… Disrespect, lays and betrayals were the normal, accompanied by the silent treatment among other forms of hostility. All that is over, and my purpose since, has been to restore myself, to find my center and, by the grace of God, to heal each and every one of my wounds.
    Thanks Melanie for being an angel in this path. 🙏😘

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 15, 2018

      Awww Tere,

      Thank you sweetheart. Please know how welcome you are … you did the work though!

      You deserve your own gratitude too!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Pennylh@comcast.net'
    Penny
    December 16, 2018

    I joined Narp in May 2017. This program has been a Godsend to me. There is no other way to put it. I thank you for it as well as the ESC. I find myself going back to the module work as things come up and am sure I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 17, 2018

      Hi Penny,

      I’m so pleased you are loving shifting into your True You.

      It really is a beautiful way to live!

      Sending you continued blessings.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Laura.a.rose82@gmail.com'
    Laura
    December 16, 2018

    I’m new to this but in just a few days time my paradigms on all this have shifted sooooo much. Truth and light are coming through- thank you! I notice I really seem to want people who know me or I interact with to know and understand what I’ve gone through. This speaks to that. Any other thoughts on that?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 17, 2018

      Hi Laura,

      That is great you are letting the light in.

      I believe it is helpful to want to heal with a support tribe … yet ultimately our healing is about knowing our greatest rescuer and healer must be ourself. Meaning the turning inwards to self partner and release our own trauma.

      I believe the needier we ever feel, the more we are really calling out for ourselves.

      Yet the beautiful irony is, when we do self partner the real people outside also turn up to match who we are being to ourselves.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mohrpeter@yahoo.com'
    Peter Mohr
    December 17, 2018

    THIS is just what i need today….thanx….you are applying so much energy to the subject and i appreciate your effort

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 17, 2018

      Hi Peter,

      You are very welcome and I’m
      so pleased it helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • ivorchurchill@gmail.com'
    Ivor
    December 21, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    First let me say thanks for the work you do, it’s really giving people salvation.
    Your article explains a lot of what I have been experiencing recently. I have been building self acceptance and self love after being highly codependent and people pleasing with several narcissistic friends. As I have become more trusting of my gut feelings I have begun to wakeup to the root cause of all my shame, depression, and stunted self. Until literally a few days ago I didn’t fully realize I grew up in a classic toxic family with a narcissistic mother and a codependent father, I believe now I am the scapegoat and my brother the golden-child. What scares me is the family turning against me if I stand up for myself and call out my mothers manipulation and abuse. I’m 32 now so I don’t need to see them but i’m torn between separating and healing or trying to salvage the relationship with my Father and Brother despite them having some abusive tendencies.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 22, 2018

      Hi Ivor,

      Please know you are very welcome, and I feel so humbled that I can help.

      Ivor, are you doing the deep inner healing with NARP? Because by confronting and shifting exactly that quandary from within, you will know how to proceed for the highest and best effect for all concerned.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • ivorchurchill@gmail.com'
        Ivor
        December 24, 2018

        Thanks for your answer. I’m not sure wether it’s right for me to be honest. I’m reading some books on CPTSD at the moment and trying to figure out the next step.

        Thanks!

  • janineharry1@gmail.com'
    Thriver
    December 27, 2018

    Hi Melanie

    I’m so glad I came across this vid/article. I’m healing nicely after Narc abuse, but this morning I was triggered … basically someone never ‘acknowledged’ me and I was thinking “wow, I did nothing to you, yet you’re ignoring me/ why don’t you like me etc.”… I immedietly felt into this emotion by asking myself why did I become triggered and I realized that I still have a lot of work to do, because I was looking for validation outside myself. The differnece between who I was as a ‘victim’ of narc abuse and who I am now as a ‘work in progress Thriver’ is that I am concious and aware of my feelings and why I feel the way I do. I no longer judge or take a disliking to people who don’t affirm my existance (that’s exactly what we co-d’s are about) because it’s really not their job to do so.
    Don’t like me? That’s fine.. its my job to like me and that’s all that matters

    Thanks Mel 💓

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 28, 2018

      Hi Thriver,

      I adore this share of yours!!

      You are truly living up to your name!

      Please know you are very welcome and many continued blessings and much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Desiree.hartt@outlook.com'
    Desiree Hartt
    January 14, 2019

    Hi Mel, thank you for the incredible insight, I can relate completely. I have one question. I am currently in an abusive relationship with a narcissist who constantly tells me how bad I am as a person and mother. I know that it’s not true at all but merely a reflection on himself but are you able to advise how to stop the accusations in such a way that the argument is curbed straight away? I refuse to play along and don’t engage at all as he speaks to me in this derogatory manner in front of my 8yr old daughter but he continues to speak harshly at me until I walk away. I know that saying anything back to him is feeding his need for power but is there a sentence or reply, even a repetitive response that will help me?
    Thank you so much. I love you videos.💜

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 15, 2019

      Hi Desiree,

      There is only one way to stop an argument with a narcissist.

      Detach and refuse to participate – period. Any energy you grant it fuels them and the argument.

      There is no other solution, and ultimately a life without abuse means not being with this person.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • desiree.hartt@outlook.com'
        Desiree Hartt
        January 15, 2019

        Thank you Mel, I thought as much. I was hoping for a small reprieve as I am living in the same house as my abuser until we can reach financial settlement. It’s really tough!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          January 16, 2019

          Yes it is tough Desiree,

          Detach as much as you can and get settled and separate.

          That’s the only way.

          Don’t feed it with any energy, it only makes it worse.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • desiree.hartt@outlook.com'
    Desiree Hartt
    January 15, 2019

    Thank you Mel, I thought as much. I was hoping for a small reprieve as I am living in the same house as my abuser until we can reach financial settlement. It’s really tough!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *