I don’t know about you, but I personally know what it used to be like …. to NEVER feel good enough.
Maybe you relate to this too:
Trying to keep the peace, going along and pleasing other people so that you can feel accepted.
Believing that how OTHER people see you is everything …
And suffering the exhaustion of trying to live up to THEIR standards to get some crumbs of their love.
That was me until I understood how much trauma and a mess ‘seeking validation’ really gets us into, and how it strips our self-esteem and personal power.
It certainly DOESN’T build it up!
And …. horrifyingly … how it makes us SOOOOO susceptible to narcissists.
In fact, it is ONE of our WORST ‘emotional gaps’, as the other side of the MAGNET, which allows narcissists into our life and keeps us attached to them!
If you are suffering from never feeling good enough, being invisible and other people not validating you – even ABUSING you instead …
And you want to know how to heal from this and start generating true validation effortlessly, then this episode is a must watch for you.
Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series, the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.
It’s so interesting when we understand that ‘seeking validation from others’ is one of the most serious ‘gaps’ we can have on the inside that makes us susceptible to narcissists.
And, like all our inner emotional fractures, this can be our normal as it is for most people. We have all grown up in a world of trying to feel whole from the outside in, rather than knowing how to generate our self-fullness from the inside out.
Some people may even think being filled with self-worth and self-love is ‘narcissism’, believing this would be like being self-absorbed to the detriment of others. Yet, nothing could be further from the truth.
The more we investigate what ‘seeking validation’ is all about, the more we realise that this is another one of those two sides of the same coin thing, that narcissists and co-dependents both suffer from, which can cause them to bond together.
Narcissists are not likely to change what they do regarding seeking outer validation, but we can. With self-awareness and dedication to our inner work, we can move up and out of these trajectories of toxic relationships by healing and changing ourselves.
Being freed from the need for validation is one of the most empowering things we can ever achieve, in order to have healthy relationships with ourselves, others and Life, and I can’t wait to share with you why!
Let’s look at the ways that we can seek validation from others, how narcissists do this also, and the results, and how to release ourselves from it.
Trying to Please Others to Be Loved
It is impossible to be all things to all people. I really love this expression, ‘If we try not to upset everyone else, we will only upset ourselves.’
The Co-dependent Model of trying to please others to be loved is this: ‘If I give you enough of what you want, then you will grant me the love, approval, survival or security that will help me feel whole.’
The results of this are you are feeling emptied out, taken advantage of and not respected. It doesn’t bring the love, approval, survival and security you wish to achieve, and can even be a recipe for staying attached to abuse.
The Narcissistic Model of this is: ‘I will tell you what you want to hear so that I continue doing what I do, or give you enough, at times, so that I can keep you hooked and manipulate you for my own agenda.’
The results of this are abuse, power plays, unhealthy dependencies and control.
The solution is to heal ourselves enough so that we can live aligned with our true values. This means saying ‘No’ when our Inner Being knows it is not healthy for us to give. It means allowing others to become empowered by doing for themselves rather than keeping them enabled to stay sick, dysfunctional, powerless and able to mine other people.
It means that we stop handing power away to people so that they will like us, and start generating healthy relationships with other adults of shared power instead.
It also means addressing the compulsion inside you to fix and give to unhealthy others in order to be loved.
Needing Attention and Compliments
In this social-media age, it can be very alluring for people, when they feel empty on the inside, to try to get compliments and attention from others in order to feel worthy and whole.
The Co-dependent Model is to do this to try to alleviate feelings of self-doubt, not being good enough and feeling unattractive. Believing that one’s worth is tried up in these things, rather than unconditionally loving and accepting ourselves.
The results of this are any compliments or responses received you won’t trust, and if you don’t receive enough to feel temporarily better about yourself, then you will feel even more unacceptable than you did previously.
The Narcissistic Model of this is an attempt to gain much needed narcissistic supply, the attention and acclaim that allows them to know that they exist. A narcissist may also be scouring for new drug dealers, meaning new supply, who they can hook up with.
The results of this are a brief high, that becomes a low again, needing even more attention in the future to come up and out of self-rejection. New sources of supply will be mined if acquired or used to punish an existing love partner who is not appeasing the narcissist’s False Self adequately.
The solution is to be very honest with yourself when feeling empty and having the compulsion to get attention from others. Turn inwards to yourself instead.
If you are a NARP member, approach, hold and load up those parts inside that feel unworthy or not good enough to be loved and accepted. Let them go and bring in the Source Healing to this, which allows you to know that you are loved, held and adored beyond measure by all of Existence unconditionally, simply because you exist.
Know that if you want to become a better self aesthetically, that is perfectly okay, but rather than trying to punish and admonish yourself into shape, work at this lovingly, supporting and partnering yourself no matter what, throughout the process.
Over Achieving to Gain Love
If you were made to feel invisible when you were young, you may believe that you must be ‘exceptional’ in order to be seen and valued by others.
You may try to tell lengthy stories to people so that they like you. Or, you may believe that you have to tell them about your accomplishments. Maybe you believe that you need to be intellectual, stimulating, mesmerising or funny for people to like you.
Or maybe you think you are ‘too much of this’ or ‘not enough of that’ because people told you that when you were growing up and try to adjust yourself accordingly.
There is an old saying, ‘When you stand in front of the crowd naked, the crowd will roar its approval’. This means that you are perfect as you are, and when you get totally okay with accepting who you are without trying to twist yourself into all sorts of shapes to be liked by others, then people will just organically like you also.
The Co-dependent Model of this is: ‘I am not enough as I am and therefore need to be what appeals to other people in order to be accepted and loved by them.’
The results of this are people don’t gravitate to you, and you feel even more alone and invisible. If they do, your relationships are superficial and not deep and trustworthy.
The Narcissistic Model of this is: ‘If I can be exactly what other people want me to be, then I can get them to trust me, and I can have this person eating out of my hands.’
The results of this are the co-dependent/narcissistic union of a toxic and abusive relationship.
The solution is to check in with yourself to see if you are trying to put on a mask in order to be accepted. Be very aware that your goal, to set yourself free, is to be yourself, rather than trying to create a performance to be accepted by others.
Go deeply inside to heal those parts of you that don’t believe that your authentic self is acceptable, so that you can just relax, be you and emerge as yourself feeling whole and calm no matter what other people are or aren’t being.
Placing Your Worth In ‘Stuff’
If we believe that we are only as good as our last paycheck, what acquisitions we have, how we dress, what we achieve, and how other people view our ‘level of success’, then we are in for a very hard time.
Maybe we had parents who were hard on us, trying to make us successful. Perhaps we were brought up with material values where our parents put more emphasis on achievements, money and ‘stuff,’ than human emotions and seeing the worth of who we are as people.
The Co-dependent Model of this is: ‘I’m not going to be loved, accepted or chosen unless I am a,b,c,d,e.’ (The list will depend on the person.)
The results of this are a very precarious position for our Inner Identity because there will always be someone better, we could lose stuff at any time, there is great pressure to get ‘stuff’, and ‘stuff’ is always becoming outdated and needs to be upgraded. Plus, we will attract people who love us for what we have, and not who we are.
The Narcissistic Model is: acquisitions and ego feeds take them away from their terrible inner feelings, for a time. They use these things to self-medicate, and wield power and influence over people, and therefore must have them, even at the cost of all else.
The solution is one that many people in this community are faced with. Narcissistic abuse is synonymous with heavy financial loses, and most of us ended up losing virtually, if not everything, regarding our finances, possessions and properties.
This means that we need to let go of having our Identity wrapped around such things and for the first time in our lives (usually) turn inwards and value our soul and Inner Identity health more than anything else.
When we do this, a massive shift occurs. We accept ourselves and our value just for being our self. And then, anything we build onto that in a material sense is simply more of who we are being. In no way is our Inner Identity reliant on it any anymore.
Trying to Change People’s Minds About Us
If we are accused of doing things that we don’t do and couldn’t consider doing, we can be appalled and terrorised by the thought of people, especially someone we wish to love us, thinking terrible things about us.
This is one of the biggest recipes for abuse, staying connected to someone who is projecting their character on to you whilst trying to get them to think decent things about you, and believing that your Inner Identity depends on them “getting it”.
The Co-dependent Model of this is: being hugely susceptible to trying to convince people that you are kind, loving and good, despite them purporting the exact opposite.
The results of this are discovering this person doesn’t stop projecting their disowned unacceptable parts on to you. In fact, it only gets worse, and you get destroyed in the process.
The Narcissistic Model is this: he or she will be triggered by any version of you (real or imagined), that isn’t aligned with their own False Self above reproach version. This happens often on a hairline trigger.
The results of this are you walking on broken glass continually, trying to organise yourself and your life, unsuccessfully, around someone else’s malfunctioning personality and abusive behaviour.
The solution is in understanding: ‘What other people think of you is none of your business. What you think about you is your business.’
Constructive criticism is one thing that we can all benefit from, yet, having people attack your character and you trying to defend yourself against that is entirely another.
When you heal the broken parts of you that were blamed, scapegoated and made to feel fearful of authority, as well as being criticised, rejected, abandoned and punished (CRAP) by others when you were young and defenceless, then you can have a solid Inner Identity that doesn’t have to agree or argue or justify against anyone’s opinion of you.
You will know it is an indication of them, not you, and you can refuse to play with them anymore.
Please know seeking oneself from the outside is incredibly painful and equals ‘how to lose’.
We may not realise that it is an attempt to defy Quantum Law, ‘so within, so without,’ and it doesn’t work.
If you feel empty and deficient in self-love and self-worth, then no matter how much you try to get validation from others, you won’t. You will always come up empty.
And please know, in no way are you establishing self-validation about your life being an island, meaning you being the only source of self to yourself.
In stark contrast, when you are filled with your own self-love and self-worth as a result of healing the beliefs of ‘being nourished and flourished by all of Existence for being you,’ and cleaning up all the painful inner invalidation wounds as a child, then you will feel whole and full, and genuinely validate and love others in healthy ways also.
No longer will you subconsciously be doing it to try to get approval. You will simply be doing it unconditionally as an outpour of yourself.
Have you ever noticed this following truth about life? When you no longer need something and are being that yourself, then it comes in abundance?
It’s true, you will start choosing and cogenerating relationships with other healthy people who also have the resources to healthily connect and validate you and you will easily leave alone those relationships that don’t.
I hope this has helped a lot, and given you great food for thought on this topic!
And I’m so looking forward to answering your comments and questions regarding this episode and exactly how to achieve glorious self-validation.
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