It’s very likely you know what it feels like to meet someone who you thought was kind, charming intelligent and attractive … who turned out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
The whole experience and aftermath of having your life and soul terrorised by a narcissist can be so shocking, many people understandably, may never even want to attempt dating again.
It can feel terrifying!
I understand … I truly know what this is like. My previous self felt so unsafe whilst dating after narcissistic abuse.
However, after helping people recover from narcissistic abuse for the past 10 plus years, as well as committing to overcoming my own fears around dating, I was able to decipher and recognise the 5 main types of narcissistic dating approaches and know how to safeguard myself against them.
In this important episode, I share with you the 5 warning signs, which I believe can assist you to detect narcissists early on, to save yourself from the soul devastation that they bring.
Video Transcript
Today is going to be a bit of a fun day on Thriver TV … because I want to talk to you about the 5 types of narcissists that you may meet whilst dating.
These are fun if you can realise them and not much fun if you miss them!
These are things that I realised, as a result of being involved in helping others detangle and heal from narcissists over the last 10 plus years, and also as a result of my own dating experiences.
I know there are many of you out there who are very opposed to dating – the thought of it might even horrify you. Maybe you believe that your beloved should just turn up, because you don’t want to have to go through the time wasting and rubbish that goes with dating.
I disagree, and when I have been single, I have thoroughly loved dating. I find it wonderful to meet people and see where I am at with my inner programs whilst doing so.
Plus, people are awesome, and it’s wonderful to have intellectual and stimulating conversations and even end up with friends and contacts as well as of course having the goal of a love partner.
This was a far cry from my previous self. When I was filled with trauma, I was terrified whilst dating about who I could or couldn’t trust – and men triggering my fears and wounds. Now, because I don’t have those fears and wounds and because I fully trust myself to show up, I have a ball when I date!
Even though I’m sharing 5 warning signs with you today, I really want you to know that there is absolutely no substitute for doing the inner work – period.
If we still have trauma regarding abusers and painful ex-partners that we are not emotionally reconciled over (meaning haven’t received and actualised the healing gift for ourselves that they presented us with), we can be in for a very hard time.
Going through breakups is not the same as growing through them.
If we haven’t done the work since a breakup, then we are likely to continually have disappointing and even abusive experiences with potential people, or we will not meet anyone at all that we are attracted enough to, to even consider a relationship with.
For this reason, I can’t recommend having a healing hiatus enough, known as a ‘relationship fast’, to take the time to heal and establish the most important relationship you can ever have – the one with yourself.
In my opinion, this is when you are ready to date again.
When you:
- Are no longer traumatised by past partner(s).
- Are feeling fulfilled, happy and content in your own skin.
- Have purpose and a life that fulfils you.
- No longer feel needy and lonely.
- Are ready to share a life with someone, instead of trying to find someone to get a life.
Okay if this is you – and many of your NARP members have got to this stage of your personal love journey, known as ‘mating your own soul’ first – this is what I believe are 5 signs of a narcissist that will be very apparent early in the dating process.
And this is helpful, because narcissists can be covert and charming and get through our cracks. If one does infiltrate, it’s because they are seeking to hook you in for their own agenda, regardless of whether they are after a one-night stand or a long term relationship with you.
Let’s check the 5 main types out!
The Powerbroker
This narcissist is extremely overt. He or she will wear arrogance like a badge. This extremely overt narcissist suffers from a total lack of filter and appears not to care. They are easy to spot – yet people can get taken in by them regardless.
Think of the wealthy and successful or extremely ‘hot’ looking person, who uses success and/or their appearance to get what they want, including hooking people in.
What you will discover is this person barely listens to you, and really is not at all interested in what you have to say. They will interrupt constantly and spin the conversation back to themselves. This person has a delusional view of themselves that there is no one better than them – which of course is the fictitious character that they have created in their heads about themselves.
The ego understandably is massive. Therefore, this person is going to crack quite easily if they don’t receive the preferential treatment, they believe they deserve. He or she could be rude to the waiter – for example.
If we get sucked in by this type of narcissist it means that we are ticking boxes in our head, and not concerned about someone’s character or human aspects such as compassion, kindness and decency.
Of course, a relationship with someone like this is going to be horribly disappointing and unfulfilling.
The Grandstander
One step away from the overt Powerbroking Narcissist is The Grandstander. He or she is someone who pretends to listen attentively, but you will notice that they are only listening to get some information to spin it back to being about them or someone they know.
This person is a bore, who doesn’t ask any further questions about you and is not interested in your life or who you are as a person. Again, you are only going to be an object to feed their ego and will be involved in a very unfulfilling one-sided relationship with someone who is this self-absorbed.
This is not a person you will share a deep connection of soul mutuality with, or real love. This person will also be highly entitled and lack empathy drastically.
The Factfinder
Here we have a more covert and higher-functioning narcissist, and one who is harder to detect.
This narcissist seems totally interested in your life and will ask questions, as well as additional questions, whilst listening attentively. The purpose of this is to cunningly find out information about you. This person may also grant you compliments and mimic your body language to get you to trust them.
This narcissist is looking for an ‘in’, something about you that has hurt you in the past and then appear to be the person who can fulfil this ‘gap’ for you. For example, you might tell them how partners in the past have cheated on you.
This narcissist then knows, if they tell you convincingly that monogamy is a big value for them, they may have you hooked.
It’s vital when meeting people dating to be an empowered person and come across as a healthy adult looking for a partner, rather than a wounded child in an adult’s body subconsciously seeking a parent – because this is a huge green light for narcissists to swoop in and claim you as their next supply.
Take note that this is one of the most sneaky weapons, highly malignant narcissists use, and unless you are powerful, solid and whole in your own body – then you may act like a person is a desert who just found their oasis and dive straight on in.
Of course … not realising that you have just entered treacherous waters.
It’s so interesting when you have a date with a narcissist and watch them try to be The Factfinder, and they get stumped, confused and highly put off when they can’t find a weakness within you.
They know they can’t hook you and the date ends with you saying, ‘No I’m not interested in another date’, leaving and punching the air with excitement because you are so empowered that you didn’t get sucked in.
The Lovebomber
If we are needy, empty and hungry for love we may be highly susceptible to this idealistic, fantasy lover who is a match made in hell, not heaven.
This is the intensely charming type of narcissist. This narcissist comes on hard and heavy with proclamations of undying love. He or she will tell people they had a dream about them being their soul mate, or was told by a psychic, or by God that the love of their life would look like you, etc.
Why would a narcissist do this – because they are desperate. They are very low on narcissistic supply and need to move things along very quickly. If they find a target empty enough to eat that malarkey up – they can quickly get supply.
Please know romantic books, fairy tales and movies have not done us many favours. Yes, we all know of the healthy ‘love at first sight’, quick hook up stories – occasionally they do exist. But if you are in this community watching this video it is because you have serious abuse programs and patterns to heal and have suffered painfully in relationships.
Therefore, you would be as safe as getting into a relationship like this as you would jumping off a cliff. We all need to grow up, be adults and realise that healthy people don’t do instant relationships and love-bombing. They take their time to get to know people – they ascertain people’s character, values and life before letting them into their hearts, homes, bodies and souls.
If someone acts like this with you – then truly they are not healthy – and neither are you if you accept this version of fickle, manipulative love.
The Boundary Pusher
When you start dating someone you must retain your boundaries. If you have your own identity and life this wouldn’t be hard to do, because this is already your life. You won’t just drop everything to be with them – and nor should you.
This is vital in your defence against narcissists because most of them will not tolerate you having your own life, pastimes and interests – it has to be all about them.
If someone tries to pull you away from your necessary life, and guilt or schmooze you into spending more time with them – or appears needy when you want time alone or away – this is not a healthy adult that you wish to have a relationship with.
Emotionally solid adults want to support their partner’s interests and allow them and encourage them. If anyone is not being this person, do not consider a relationship with them.
If you do, your boundaries will be eroded, and you are potentially entering a highly abusive and controlling relationship.
How To Empower Yourself
Be very aware, these five ways a narcissist can present, can be the same narcissist with different people. Narcissists read you, they are chameleons who will be whatever they need to be to get narcissistic supply.
Therefore, I hope that you understand how your fullness, self-love and respect and boundaries are everything. This is about your inner healing and development.
Because if you haven’t done the inner work – even though you may recognise some of these things – you may say to yourself ‘Ill just let it go for a little while to see before I say something’ or ‘I’m not sure he or she is really doing that – I’ll give them some more time to decide’ or make other excuses.
By which time it is far too late, you could be hooked and signed up for more narcissistic abuse in your life.
Wouldn’t it just be much better to be an empowered, healthy dater?
I’d love to help you achieve this – as I have many women and men, as well as myself, to date in confidence and truth … thus able to meet awesome healthy people!
The first step is to sign up to my 16-day free course which includes a ton of free resources, as well as a workshop with me, where you will experience the subconscious reprogramming super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing – which fast-tracks healing from abuse more than anything else I know.
Get free access to my 16 day recovery course here.
And, as always, I look forward to having a discussion with you below about this topic!
Fascinating topic !!! Since I have just begun my Thriver Recovery via NARP, dating is not something I would even consider at this point. Very valuable info to have anyway….. Didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cringe when I realized that two of these types had previously sucked me in and I paid dearly for it….. I just continue to marvel at how very much knowledge and information you have to share to the benefit of so many who need it !!! Even if I never learned another thing, you have already altered my life in the extreme so very Positively !!!! Don’t think I can ever thank you enough….. I didn’t know this was what I had been searching for literally for decades !!! You are such a Wonder and a Gift !!!! From the depths of my Soul ~ Thank you !!!!
Hi Teiwaz,
Thank you for your beautiful words.
I am so pleased that I can help support you Teiwaz.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I was married to a Narc for over 40 years and of course there was nothing then to help you get away from these scum of the earth because nothing helped you break the addiction so you left to feel you were nuts, psycho, needed to be put in a Mental Hospital, nobody would EVER want you so weren’t you lucky this thing was there for you as he wafted in and out of your life.
Even to this day after I had to do it on my own as Melanie wasn’t there until I had gotten over most of it, he still tries to get me however a lot of people have woken up to him and seen I wasn’t the filth he made me out to be however others are still sucked in but the worst bit is that he uses our adult kids to get even with me however I’m well past that and the one that was the weakest link has been so humiliated by him over the last few years even she’s realised he’s sick in the head, he told her she was an unwanted pregnancy but didn’t add by him not me, no your mother didn’t want you.
There have been lots of these incidents but she was so desperately trying to get him to show her love but has found within herself this is never going to happen so the “moments” she used to have with me are diminishing very quickly and I’m so proud she’s come to understand that I was never that person he made me out to be.
What I realised in this video with the 5 types is that depending on the age/experience of the Narc that they change over time by starting off young like mine was and gaining traction over time as mine was a Love Bomber to start with but just after we were married he became a Boundary Pusher and went up the scale to become an Ultruistic Narc and a lethal piece of work he was having once put a loaded shotgun to my head and then next morning denying he knew anything about it and a person I confided in said “he wouldn’t do that he’s too nice” and told her husband who was his drinking mate, think my life wasn’t in a precarious situation for a long time, you betcha!
Having found Melanie about 5 months ago has helped me clear up the dregs even though I am in no position to buy her course I can use the wonderful information she delivers along with my Meditation to clear out what’s left as it comes to light and I have felt so much better for it. Recently it was a significant birthday for a family member and he was there expecting I would be “nice” to him but I made point of saying “Hello” very positively and at the end doing the same with good bye, normally I would put up with inane conversation for the sake of being polite, no more!
I was worried about myself during this event and stayed as far from him as I could because I realised I was Psychotic about him and if I had gotten near him I would have started punching him in the face, or stabbing him until I was pulled off him yet I had no feelings about it all. I’ve never been able to understand how people could do those things until that night. As I had released so much I guess I needed to have an encounter with him to see just how far I had come and to know I wasn’t nuts because otherwise I would have done those things to him and he’s not worth going to gaol for.
I am so grateful to Melanie and this Community as it’s made me so aware of just how many people are damaged by the creatures and how for so long until Melanie started her course and free knowledge that we didn’t know each other existed but now are no longer alone in that miserable hole they dug for us and we willing fell into because we were unknowing but now the knowledge is getting through to us and giving us an enlightened view of life.
Thank you so much Melanie.
Hi Maureen,
Please know you are very welcome and I wish you continued healing, clarity and power.
Love and blessings.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Ditto to all that Maureen has said. Learning about Narcissistic abuse has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m now in my seventies and finally realizing that all the trauma I’ve been through was not my fault. I’m not crazy. I just felt crazy due to all the crazy people in my life. I still have quite a way to go to catch up to Maurine. But, with Melanie’s help, I may just make it.
Thanks so much Melanie for giving me such a complete picture of how narcissists have shaped my life. And for teaching me how to deal with them.
Hi Jeany,
You are very welcome and I’m so happy for you that you are going for your True Life.
Much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
22 years, two children (now 20.) I was Love bombed then controlled… Like a boa constrictor, tighter and tighter,,, demeaned, verbal, emotional, financial and sexual abuse. Gaslighting! Divorced him and NO contact. Now, teaching my children to be good on boundaries for their self protection.
Me Dating, NO WAY as yet, hopefully I’ll get there once my ego has healed and I trust what I have learned.
Thank you for the reinforcing and kind lessons. You are a treasure Mel.
Thank you NaTay,
I hope you do in your power and glory in the future too.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
It’s a tough road to walk alone. I’m not ready to date again at 57 and spending half my life with a horrible man and I lost sight of everything!
Hi Melanie,
What are your thoughts on casual relationships? I’m hooked in one at the moment, and never know when he will contact me. Its only for sex. I guess my loneliness takes over.
Hi Sally,
I’ve been there. I told myself the same thing, its for sex. Realize by saying that it feels like you are there at your own say. Which is a great way to protect ourself from self-critic like I used to do that “Oh, he is just using me. So what I did, with the help of Melania Tonia’s teachings, and other self affirmations I have doing has helped me break free from him. He has no effect on me and my loneliness has taken a different form. I don’t feel lonely that I need another person to feel it.
One funny story, I was planning on getting back on the narcissist in my life. My anger was triggered to the brim. So I started researching on how to revenge on a narcissist. Melania Tonia had a youtube video on this and I was so excited since i am a graceful follower and I will be happy to get her guidance. What she said, saved and changed my life forever. She said, they are “angels in disguise”. OMG, no one has ever given me such a perspective to work with. She went on to explain how. They trigger pressure points in our lives that we need to change. And yes, it was true. I sat down assessed the information and yes, this narcissist person was the major cause of the self development and growth I was for the most part I was with him.
Now with my healing process, I respect the person ” event the bible says Love your Enemy”. But I am stronger now and able to take approach things better and mature than before. I realized that I am in charge of my feelings and no one is responsible for my happiness and success.
Thank you Melania Tonia,
God Bless you Abundantly.
So many blessings and love to you too Maryanne,
Thank you for being so inspirational to others.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Sally,
My belief is, if you are desiring a committed loving relationship, and to share you life with a partner then accepting casual hookups is definitely a less than option.
Casual hookups additionally, rarely if ever transmute into more.
I hope this helps clarify.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I would like if I know you 30 plus years ago, but as say never is late 🙂
Thank you so much for your full and reach explanations. You helped me learn my self better, but people around me.
THANK YOU 🙂
Hi Tanya,
It is never too late to align with our True Self!
Many continued blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thankyou for your words of wisdom.
I see these warning signs so clearly now.
Instead of my past self being flattered by this behaviour, I now see the red flags
Your video clips are wonderful.
Thankyou
Ps as a cat lover myself : beware of your beautiful cat with the lillies in your lovely flower arrangements as they are deadly to cats.
Hi Kim,
I’m so pleased you know the flags now!
Yes, I am aware of the Lilly thing. Fortunately Tiggy doesn’t go near them. I don’t have them often and will be vigilant!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel! This article is spot on!
My narc was the “love bomber”. He claimed that he had to make a ‘tough’ decision between choosing me or another woman. It was so tough, he had to ask God for guidance and all that popped up in his head was my name and he just knew that I was the one that God wanted him to be with.
I cannot believe I fell for this 🤔 felt like such a “heaven on earth” feeling, but I was surely in for a rough ride after that!
Hi Future Thriver,
Gosh when we look back and know what we fell for!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Sally, I’m sure Mel will answer your question, but I believe that when we’re not self-partnered as yet, we will always look for something outside of ourselves to fill our gaping wounds.
As Mel always says, “we will only ever get the love and respect we’re already providing for ourselves”. When you’ve got that ‘self-love’ thing aced, you will never ever have the desire to share your body with a man who doesn’t call you! In fact, casual relationships will not be your goal at all and it will definately not show up on your path because you will simply not be a match for it.
Right now you’re using sex to self-avoid and self-abandon! I’d rather go 20 years without sex than to simply be an ‘object’ for someone to mastubate on!
Sex CAN be one way to self-avoid and self-abandon, but it can also just be a basic human need that one needs to fulfill. Hopefully, casual relationships where two HEALTHY people are getting their sexual needs met, but do not or cannot commit to a long-term relationship, can be an option, and not necessarily damaging. (I made the decision to NOT commit to a long-term relationship while I have young children at home, but I am not willing to go 10 years without sex!)
Hi Elizabeth,
I really believe we can align with it all – sex plus a lovely healthy partner.
It’s like … are we prepared to put the effort in to cooking delicious nutritious meals for ourselves, or are we going to go out and grab some fast food.
If we do that, are we creating the goal of being healthy and honouring our body, being and soul?
Just my take on it, with absolutely no judgement! I’m just very aware of intention and generating with the Laws of Life what we REALLY want.
And of course there really is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ rather just what does or doesn’t work in regard to Creating our Truth.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel, I joined your community in February 2017 while struggling through 5 years of trying to divorce from a controlling and viscous husband of 26 years. I paid for your program and finally began to piece together how I had been manipulated and used for years. I then began to understand that I was the one with the ability to start controlling my own life, but that I had grow and change as person to get the life I deserved. Your weekly videos have been essential to my continual recovery and I always learn something from them, they keep me on the strait and narrow to my own happiness.
Two years later, I am now divorced, all my fears of not being able to cope on my own have turned out to be false. I am doing well and beginning to look for my first mature relationship. I loved this weeks video as it came at the perfect time for me, and I am now very hopeful for a fulfilling future.
Could not have done it without your help.
Many Thanks
Jill
Awww Jill,
I am so so happy for you that you are doing so well.
Thrive On Lovely Lady!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have enjoyed your videos very much. I seem to be inspired but not motivated to follow through. You do give me hope that I can find some kind of inspiration to actually follow up and get this healing process started. I am very susceptible to narcissistic behavior and am on guard against signs I see both in myself and people I interact with, it seems there is a narcissist in everyone I meet
Hi James,
Unconsciousness is common, and we can only take responsibility for our own.
We are all in this together James … it’s the human condition. Yet we can be catalysts and also learn to love others with their wounds as well as ourselves … of course within reason.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Your videos and blogs have been so helpful during my process of leaving the malignant narcissist to whom I was married (yes he was diagnosed). It was a miracle that our clinical psychologist marriage counselor specialized in personality disorders. Because this counselor knew how to handle and control a narcissist during counseling, my then husband did not want to continue therapy after one session. I continued as an individual until I was able to make the decision to file for divorce. You are right, learning about narcissism only gets you so far in recovery; however, I had to take this first step because of my scientific background. At the same time as going to talk therapy with this counselor, I also worked with an energy worker and started NARP.
Yes, I was a codependent during my relationship with my narcissistic husband. I became whatever he wanted me to be because I didn’t know who I was. As to be expected in a relationship with a narcissist, he hooked me and then started with verbal, emotional and financial abuse. He flirted with women in front of me, he somehow knew what my insecurities were and used them against me, he lied to me and other people, he acted like rules and laws didn’t apply to him.
During separation, my narcissistic husband tried to hoover me and get me back in his sphere of influence. He still had influence over me because I was still working on my past traumas. He would not agree to an an equitable separation of assets. He tried to take my inheritance and blame me for his poor decisions in starting a new company. He used his mother, with whom I had a good relationship, to get news about me. He convinced her to lie that I insisted that he close his old company in order to start a new company during our marriage.
Long story short, my divorce was final in August 2018. The assets were separated fairly equitably after I hired an expensive attorney and spent a lot of time and money proving my financial history.
Thank you so much for your valuable insights and the NARP program. It helped me to piece together the reasons I have gravitated to controlling and narcissistic people in the past. I now understand the person I WAS during in my lifetime. I have been dating but I feel like I am very guarded. Sometimes it feels like I may not be able to trust another person in an intimate relationship. I do think I have healed my past traumas that put me in the spheres of people with narcissistic tendencies. I am spending time alone and don’t feel abandoned and anxious like I did after separating from my narcissistic husband. I am still working on myself energetically.
Hi Michele,
Truly you have achieved so much and come so far … absolutely in time, if you choose – a healthy wonderful relationship is yours by divine right.
Keep up the great inner work!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Mel,
thanks so much from the bottom of my heart for your insight and wisdom. After three years and having worked with NARP I am finally ready to leave my comfort zone and get out and date!
What I am insecure about is: of course, I will meet men who are really nice and sweet but who I am not attracted to physically. I would love to be able to tell them that I am not interested from the centre of my adult and true ME and to say this in a nice and respectful way.
The question is: HOW do I do this? How do I say this in a way that feels ok for both, me and the other? I am sure, you have a good idea :)) thank you so much, Mel and much love from Germany, Katja
Hi Katja,
How wonderful that you are virtually ready?
Katja sweetheart all you need to do is Module that exact fear out and then you will know exactly how to truthfully show up.
Please know decent men absolutely enjoy the truth and the wrong men, it confirms you absolutely made the right decision!
You’ve got this Katja!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I absolutely love watching this here. I will probably venture into dating in the later part of next year. I have had a relationship hiatus for over two years now! I won’t even think about it until I am done going through all the Modules at least once. (Meaning doing the work, sometimes listening to each Module many, many times.) Gosh, this is a fun topic though!
Hi Jillian,
How wonderful you have taken your time out, for you to heal!
Wishing you every joy, success and love with dating!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie!
When I was a young student, studying abroad, I met a man (a taxi driver actually) and he sent me about 130 text messages during the first two weeks! He even admit it, that he has “never sent so many messages to anyone”. He was shy, sweet, normal actually, it was all very nice. I think everything and everyone in my twenties qualify under the categoria of “fun” 🙂 So I think maybe even ordinary men can do love bombing? But I never got the chance to know him deeper, because then I went to my home country and the romance sort of faded.
I met the n when I was 38. After just 2-3 weeks he said “I love you”. I thought it was “too soon”. He just smiled charmingly and said “why not?”. It’s funny (and so easy to be wise afterwards), but there were so many red flags ever since the day 1…but somehow I just ignored them. I was in somekind of a “hurry” to find “the one”, and blocked all contradicting information out from my consciousness. Yeah, it didn’t end well…
Nowadays, when I have done a crazy amount of healing, I think I meet the criteria in your list “when you are ready to date again”.
But I don’t want to!! I have zero interest. I am very happy and at peace with myself, and I don’t want any man to come to ruin and mess that. With the n I hit the rock bottom, and if I nowadays am able to feel calm, peace and happiness…I surely deserve to enjoy that!
I almost feel “guilty” feeling happy being alone, by myself. Just a couple of decades ago (thankfully maybe not so much anymore), a single woman (and I’m over 40) was considered an old maid, a very negative label, someone who “couldn’t get” a man. So if I’m single, I “should” at least be frantically searching for a partner! So this kind of external, social pressure I feel sometimes, but otherwise I’m happy! I feel zero need to have any man in my life in a romantic relationship. It’s almost like I feel I don’t want any man, and I feel I “should” want, as if that would be a criteria for “normality”.
So if someone tries to judge me (people who don’t know about n abuse), I’d just like to say that try walking in my shoes :/ It nearly caused a suicide, so isn’t it only natural that I’m not willing at all to dive into some new relationship head first? 🙁
This one made me smile, because I have not lost my sense of humour: “You won’t just drop everything to be with them – and nor should you.”
I’m european and often read news about the royals. So if a “mere mortal” marries a member of a royal family, it means they have to drop their former life completely. So maybe there is an exception to every rule, but I think this case with the royals is quite extreme…and something that ordinary people usually will not never have to face 🙂
Hi Julia,
I personally believe narcissistic love bombing can happen at any age. Multiple texting, being sweet and staring ‘I’ve never sent this many texts to anyone’ could be very suspect.
Was it banter? Or his just texting even when you weren’t replying?
Anyway … I totally agree with you, that if you are fulfilled being alone then that is wonderful and enjoy that truly.
There is absolutely no shame in that and it’s fantastic that you have healed to that level.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This was all like 15 years ago, ever since I haven’t been with him. I heard he married and has 2 children now. I believe he was normal. But I think he genuinely “fell in love” with me. Once upon a time I was a gorgeous, slender, young woman (and in his eyes, probably “exotic” too), heh, something I’m not so much anymore in my fourties! 😀 I think he became mesmerized with that.
Most of the messages were like “you are beautiful” or pictures of roses etc., (definitely better than any dick pictures!), like romantic messages. He was sweet, harmless to me. But whether this is “normal behaviour” to a (normal) man, I don’t know…
I feel I’m now in love with the life itself <3 So many interesting courses, hobbies, books etc. that really give me joy and fullfillment. With the n, I see now that my life became very limited…I sort of became like a drug addict, whole life was around that addiction (him) and I was always looking for my next "high". That is not ok at all, I will never want to do relationship that way ever again, that's just not healthy or sane!! 🙁
I just want to say that after only 1 session with the NARP program, I am feeling sane. So sane that as I watched this video I was clearly able to recall how my narc used 2 tactics to draw me in and he did change over time, like Mel said as well. I was so starved out for love and attention that I just took any crumbs he would throw my way. Although he also flirted and cheated, used me for sex, verbally and emotionally abused me — but hey, he was so charming he always knew how to weasel his way back in. It’ll be some time yet before I even consider dating and that is thanks to Melanie’s work for opening my eyes to the insidiousness of this entire personality disorder. I attracted it and fed it with my codependency and now to not do that, I have to heal myself – how simple, it’s beautiful. Healing is life long and I love that I am not alone in this. I wanted to share some of my story in hopes that someone reading this will resonate with it and choose to take the next steps on their journey, or to begin. It does get better.
Hi Marie,
That is great that you’ve had such a powerful start with NARP.
It truly is so pure and simple, to turn inwards, and heal and free ourselves to completely change our lives.
Thank you for being a Thriver and helping to inspire others.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This video made me think of a famous quote that I think it was Dr. Wayne Dyer who said it. “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.” At the time I first heard this, I thought I understood what it meant, but I totally didn’t. I thought it meant to put a positive spin on everything. So I ended up finding ways to justify the horrible things that narcissists do and ended up just using “positive thinking” as a way of pushing down and coping with the pain I was feeling in those relationships.
What I understand now, many years later, is what you so beautifully convey in all of your messages is…….The healthier version of ourselves perceives life very differently than the wounded, afraid, desperate, unhealthy version of ourselves. We LITERALLY see things differently when we heal because we are a different version of ourselves. Experiencing ourselves as worthy, good enough, and whole changes how we are in the world and the people we choose to keep company with.
Once upon a time, I used to absolutely love, love, love that spaghetti in a can with the orange sauce when I was a kid. That was until my mom met my stepfather, an Italian who could really throw down in the kitchen. I was 11 years old and I thought I had died and gone to heaven when I first tasted his mom’s recipe for spaghetti and meatballs. The spaghetti in the can never changed its ingredients or how it was made. It was my experience of it that changed because I got a taste of something way better.
Someone rushing us into a relationship (love bombing) would NEVER feel exciting like it does when we’re starving for attention. I was on a dating site last year and this guy sent me a message and it was all about how he would love me and be a good husband and I didn’t even know the man’s last name. It was his first message! I wanted to puke. I took my profile down and got into my NARP modules immediately. After doing some more healing I realized that my profile was written in a way that said “see me as good and worthy of your love” rather than “I’m here to find someone to share my wonderful life with” Big, big difference. When I wrote the new profile this year a completely different quality of men started writing me. I’ve been enjoying going out on different dates and sampling what’s out there and it’s been completely love-bombing free! I’m not even looking for a relationship anymore. I realized that I have other things that are more important to me at this time and I just want to be open to good experiences with men for now.
Mel, you’re such a blessing. You seem to never get tired of reminding us of the importance of self-healing work and how our misunderstandings about love, once healed, can create a better life for ourselves. It’s important to note that self-healing work is ABSOLUTELY NOT about trying to be good enough and worthy of the narcissist’s attention. Its’ totally about clearing the lenses we’re looking through to see things as they are and not how our wounded selves believe things should be. This doesn’t mean we have to be completely free of wounds to enjoy life and have great relationships. It just means that wounds no longer have the power to tell us what’s true or real.
What I understand now about these five types of narcissists is that they all have one thing in common. They are predators and predators hunt for the easiest prey. Because of you Mel and me believing in myself and my ability to heal, I’m no longer easy prey. I haven’t been this excited about living in a long time. Thank you for the work that you do. Love you much!
Hi Asha,
You have so stunningly written this.
I truly couldn’t have put it better Dear Lady.
I adore how you have put such truth emphasis ‘on how we see’.
So much love to you and keep shining brightly Sister.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Asha,
very well written! I love this one: “This doesn’t mean we have to be completely free of wounds to enjoy life and have great relationships. It just means that wounds no longer have the power to tell us what’s true or real.”
Because I used to be (not so much anymore, when I’ve done healing) an unbelievable perfectionist. Sadly, the healing work in itself started to become for me a source of “perfectionism”, something I must do perfectly. Maybe there was also an element of fear in that, “I’ll never be safe (from narcissists) if I don’t do this perfectly”.
I was able to relax, when I realised we will probably never be “done”…because we continue to grow, evolve, learn always 🙂
And what is also awesome: awareness. I think “mere” awareness helps to start to shift things/patterns, even if I wouldn’t have done any healing work (well, I have!).
This thing being a perfectionist is a very old childhood wound for me, like a role or mask. When I try to be perfect, what I’ve realised…then I’m actually inauthentic, people-pleasing. Nowadays I am (at least trying to), shift from being “perfect”, to “fully me”. “Fully me” sounds and feels much better, I feel my whole body constricting even from the thought of being “perfect”. When we will as humans be ever perfect? On the other, probably we already are, just as we are 🙂 But there’s always this nagging fear, what if men don’t like the “real me”? But if a man would require me to be something else than just me…then that would be an unhealthy relationship. Yes, this has become painfully clear to me: either I have a healthy relationship with a man, or no relationship!
By the way, this Melanie’s article. This is very good and informative, but also these kinds of articles cause me some anxiety. As if the world would be full of narcissists. No, it isn’t, I hope. I don’t want to go to a date and investigate whether the man is a n or some other kind of crazy. No, I want to go to a date and find out if he’s a potential partner for me! That’s the whole point of a date 🙂
This thought also came into my mind…so much information about n’s these days. When my parents and especially grandparents were young, those generations, it feels like no-one was a n back then?! Of course, those times there was no internet and not so much information available. In that era a divorce was a huge shame, and often the woman was depending financially of the man. And woman was anyways somehow under the man’s command. So if indeed someone (a man) was a n…those women probably just silently tolerated it. Yeah, this all just came into my mind…Luckily most of us women are more independent these days and we have more choice.
Hey Julia!
I can totally relate to that need to do everything perfectly. Fortunately, when I became a medical massage therapist and teacher 20 years ago I couldn’t get away with that behavior because I almost burned out in the first year of my career! My career literally forced me to create healthy boundaries otherwise I would have had to leave a profession that I love deeply. I’m so glad to hear that you had the insight regarding the origins of perfectionism and could lovingly work on that for yourself. That’s wonderful!!
As far as there being lots of narcissists in the world……
Well, I don’t care anymore because guess what? There are lots of empaths in the world too. There are lots of caring people in the world too. There are lots of compassionate people in the world too. Narcissists and wounded empaths are not the only people in the world. This isn’t a battle of good vs evil like we see in the movies all the time. What the Universe does is EVOLVE. That’s all it does. That’s all everything does. We start from consciousness, to cell, to egg, to fetus to baby to child to teenager to adult to senior. We learn and grow and literally, every single experience is meant to support that evolutionary process and the fun part is discovering the power of the mind and how it’s creating every experience. Narcissists have been here forever. They are not new. They were mentioned in the bible as “the wolves in sheep’s clothing” so people have been writing and talking about them for a long while. They have had many names whether clinical, biblical, or social.
I’m African-American. I’m pretty sure that the people who owned slaves back in the day were largely sociopathic. But we know now that these people greatly depend on narcissistic supply. Meaning they have no real power of their own and have no awareness of their connection to Source Energy. So think about that. You have so much abundant energy expressed through your being as an empath that the narc wants to feed off of you! That’s pretty good news in my book because it means that not only do I have everything I need to be happy in this world, but I have so much of it that I can share it with many people and still always have enough leftover for myself. So the narcs force us to create balance, boundaries, and skills in order to help us use this energy properly. So what is it that gets in the way of us knowing this about ourselves? Trauma. But that’s not the problem I once thought it was. Instead of seeing trauma as a punishment, how about seeing trauma as a mountain to climb that will strengthen our emotional, mental and spiritual muscle? How about seeing it as something that develops skills and powers in us that only climbing a very large mountain would develop? Because isn’t it a difficult climb? Hasn’t the experience forced you to ask deep questions and explore your heart, mind, and soul with a curiosity and a diligence that others don’t even bother with? Aren’t you more creative, resourceful and intelligent because of this large mountain of intense experience called trauma?
And guess what? I’m actually glad to have had trauma in my life. I know this may sound weird to people who are still completely enmeshed in their trauma, but I’m speaking from my experience. I feel free. I feel free to be as bright, shiny and confident as I want because my past traumas will keep me humble. My past traumas remind me that I can be blind, desperate, misguided and foolish. My past traumas tell me that I am not above or below any person. My past traumas remind me that I can fall and I can rise. My past traumas tell me that I am perfectly imperfect and that I am ALL of everything that is Life. I am both pain and pleasure and I’m not fighting about it anymore. I’m not divided. I’m not trying to hang out on one side of Life or the other. I accept Life. I accept ALL of it. I’m whole and so I am free. Finally.
I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next. Much love to you Julia. Very glad we’re on this journey together.
I so love this “trauma as a mountain” metaphor, thank you
Hi Asha,
very interesting!
Re. this how everything evolves…sadly, I think the n will not. I was maybe somehow waiting/hoping for that, but nope. I did evolve, became stronger and more conscious as a result of the n abuse. It’s sort of sad, that he will forever stay the same. It feels like he is like the pirates in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean…sailing endlessly and aimlessly and never get to solid land.
Yes, maybe sometimes perfectionism is good. I work as a journalist, I want to do that as perfectly as I can! Sometimes I entertain myself and try to create a perfect make up. But trying to be perfect human being, especially in order to be loved…that’s insane and toxic goal 🙁
I admit, sometimes I feel bitter, why I had to have childhood abuse and then the n abuse. Like “this is wrong, I didn’t deserve this, I’m a good person!”.
But it helps me to put things in perspective. This sound like pessimistic, but I think it’s actually comforting to accept this: relationships are never really “easy”. I know women, who had normal husbands, marriage, children, everything seemingly okay for many years, and they just suddenly divorced. I am NOT happy of other people’s break ups, but somehow it eases my pain, that why I and the n couldn’t have a “happily ever after”…but looks like it is difficult to “normal people” too! Relationships evolve too, they have to. With the n, it never evolved…it was going round in circles, abuse-honeymoon cycles 🙁
Yeah, these were just some of my thoughts. I think Melanie doesn’t like over-thinking/analysing, but this is just me. I like to do that, I guess that’s why I became a journalist! I suppose this is the real me 😉
Much love and all the best!!
You’re all awesome💜
thank u, m
I’ve seen all of these tactics used by one narc at the beginning of a relationship… a slow process, pinging back and forth between these things at various times. Talk about chameleon! Whoo. I also noticed that if one tactic didn’t work well, such as being controlling about activities, it was discarded in favour of the tactics that did work. I recently have been in contact with a narcissist who is less adept and my strength is also better. It has been interesting to watch them flounder and get frustrated as they try to manipulate with less success than other narcissists due to my own level of health.
After wasting most of my life with my psychopath, now hopefully, I’m free of him, there is about an ice cube chance in Hello, I would want another relationship with another man. I answer to no one, but me & at least, for now, it will stay that way. The only people I will tolerate, in my life, man or woman is those who either have their own problems or just generally nice.
I have started reading on your website and other places about recovery and inner healing for victims of narcissistic abuse and I’m having trouble with my body reacting with memories of sexual abuse and a craving for it.What can I do?
Hi Amanda,
Obsessions and cravings for things that are unhealthy for us, are all to do with unresolved trauma.
My free 16 day course and free webinar take you through exactly what is going on and how to heal it. The first step is here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I dated the narcissists who was the fact finder one for a year and a half. So grateful to be out of that and no contact for 6 months going on the rest of my life. Thankfully I had no other ties to this person. Also, having narcissistic parents as well. I know now that I am gaining confidence every time I do a healing in thst I can see the good in men just the same as I do with women knowing that I will be avle to listen to my body and it will tell me if something is not right. I am learning to just simply trust it and not ask questions. If I do this, there is no way I will fall into the trap of abuse again.
My ex was a fact finder, lovebomber AND boundary pusher. The most soul destroying experience I’ve ever had.
I’ve just met a guy who has all the right credentials. But has no clue about subconscious and how we work. He said that he always jumps into relationships. He is struggling with me cos I’m wanting to take things slow. He said he is physically and mentally attracted to me. I like talking to him but I really want somebody that is conscious and somebody who is comfortable to take things slow. I’m dangerous dating cos I easily get trapped by ending up with the wrong person due to scarcity thinking. Before I couldnt hurt the other person and couldnt leave now its scarcity. I’m narping on this like crazy I dont want to be trapped again. I dont fall in love quickly but once I do I cant leave. There are no guarantees but I think I should stick to what I want which is somebody that is consciously working on themselves
I am just learning about the behaviours I have been subjected too for 18 months and I can’t thank everyone enough for sharing your experience and for Tonia dedicating her career to educating and supporting us and creating this support platform …. the gas lighting and stonewalling and self absorption and absorption of all my resources financially mentally emotionally and physically left me unable to function …. I am getting back to myself now and can no longer be triggered like before as I am able to recognise the dynamic , I started this journey a year ago with anonline relationship program and bought a few modules and unfortunately recognised the reality in the Toxic Men Program , and this program helped me to transition mentally .. and I have now arrived here undertaking this program and also having private psycology , This has been a big transformation for me and I am very grateful , this is the path to having the life I truly want , and like everyone else here , the number 1 goal is to become strong , independent , self aware and whole , so I can see the red flags early on and protect myself and make better choices , its a great platform to be connected too right this minute because I am engaging with all of you instead of him via text right now and I can’t thank you enough , my day will be calm peaceful and free of chaos and I am going to cook myself one of the amazing healthy tasty meals I used to cook for him and enjoy my alone time and Visualise my future … I am now able to focus on getting a job and look forward to starting the NARP program and not just getting back to where I was but to getting back an even better life and stronger version of myself … I can’t beleive the progress I have made and want everyone to know how eternally grateful I am for where I am right now this minute and the calm I feel and the light now shining brightly at the end of the tunnel ,( it wasn’t there a few months ago ) and I had never felt so lost and confused and dependent , well not today or any day will I ever allow this to happen to me again .. i am going to give myself everything I gave him without harming neglecting or using anyone else in the process …. I Feel happy and light and free again … thank you, thank you , thank you , and as I meditate today I will send much love and healing to you all ,thank you for a beautiful day 🙏