Today I want to talk about invalidation and how it destroys relationships. This applies to intimate relationships and also is damaging for family members, friendships and in business associations.
Invalidation is one of the key weapons narcissistic people use to maintain significance and superiority over others.
What Is Invalidation?
Invalidation is dismissing someone else’s viewpoint. It is the message “You are not worth listening to.”
At the deepest levels of invalidation, which I will explain later in this article, the message being conveyed is “I don’t value you or care about your feelings.”
Invalidation can range from dismissive conversations to actual psychological abuse.
Today I want to explain the different levels of invalidation, why they are delivered by toxic people, the damage this does to you and how you can heal yourself from its effects.
Healthy Validation
Let’s be honest, not everyone is going to agree with you. You may have different viewpoints and passions to others, and someone may flat-out disagree with you.
Healthy people agree to disagree, yet invalidation is not about this in close relationships.
Let me explain.
People we love are united with us for a reason. We care for and value these people. We admire them and are grateful for them. Healthy people know that functional relationships include loving respect.
This means listening, being open to the other’s viewpoints, acknowledging their areas of strength, and allowing their input and collaboration. These are all healthy aspects of communication, teamwork, cooperation and unity consciousness.
Two heads are better than one and the best ideas come from TEAM – Together Everyone Achieves More.
Behind every great person are other incredible contributors – people to check in with, see things from different perspectives or validate a particular direction or decision. Or to share a brilliant idea, freely given, from which everyone benefits.
This level of unity consciousness is vital for trust, growth and maintaining intimacy, interest and passion for one another. These actions say, “I love you. I celebrate having you in my life. I want to share vital decisions and directions with you. I acknowledge you for this.”
The ability to validate others and be open to their perspectives comes from a sense of inner wholeness and true confidence from within. Healthy, powerful and effective leaders have this attribute – they know that connecting to others and their energy will grant more expansive love, success, prosperity and growth than would ever be achievable alone.
You can generate empowered, evolved connections with others without putting yourself at risk when you understand how to healthily communicate and lay boundaries.
Personal Invalidation
Toxic people do not want to incorporate you into their life with validation. There are many reasons for this.
Firstly, they need to uphold superiority in the relationship by never allowing you to be on the same level. This is ego driven; it comes from a false sense of control to cover up dire feelings of inferiority. Narcissistic insecurity manifests as domination and arrogance.
“My way is the ONLY way.”
It’s inflexible and rigid.
They will tell you to butt out and mind your own business. Point out all the reasons why your viewpoints and ideas are wrong.
Toxic people will argue their points as to why they don’t need your ideas and make you feel that you don’t know what you are talking about.
According to them, their situation and life don’t have anything to do with your experience, previous situations, or level of expertise.
The rebuttals can include criticism, disdain, contempt and sarcasm, such as “So you think you are perfect and have the solutions!” They will grandstand any of their previous ‘glory day’ accomplishments and why they have superior knowledge and much more understanding of the situation than you.
You have narcissistic ‘separation consciousness’ (one-upping) right there.
Toxic people are unwilling to listen to, adopt and incorporate your viewpoint. They are committed to shutting down your ideas and not making important decisions with you. They may act out their impetuous choices that violate you and mine your resources without even bothering to communicate. These could be grave decisions that threaten you not only emotionally, but also financially. They could bring breakdowns in many areas, such as within your family, job or community.
If you try to have a difficult or confronting conversation with toxic people, they may stonewall you by checking out of the communication. When you realise they are disengaged and are granting zero feedback, you may ask, “Are you going to comment about what I just suggested?”
They may say, “I’m listening,” but the reality of their arrogant answer is, “I am not going to give you the privilege of acknowledging what you just said.”
The full delusion of toxic invalidation is displayed when this person plays the victim, telling you why everything and everyone else is to blame whilst being completely non-accountable themselves.
If you try to offer solutions, you will be set upon. You will be told that you and your input are nothing more than unwanted trespassing in their life – regardless that your life is affected too. You will receive contempt, disdain, and even profoundly hurtful threats of abandonment or telling you how bad the relationship is with you.
This person feels no need to include you, communicate with you, level with you, be honest, face facts, course-correct, or do anything other than stay on their path of self-destruction. They are hurting you and punishing you for speaking up. Taking away your voice. Training you to be silent and accept this abusive version of them.
You also realise you have the absolute antithesis of a ‘partner’ on your hands. Your team mate connection with this person is completely invalidated. Not only are you alone, but this person is now putting your emotions and future at risk.
How can you feel safe?
You can’t.
At this level of breakdown and invalidation, especially if coupled with lies and deceit, you must acknowledge that the end is near.
What other choice do you have?
Soul Invalidation
This invalidation level is even more toxic and damaging than not allowing teamwork and trust in your input.
A narcissistic person will commonly start this invalidation when you try to have a serious conversation with them about how they behave. Even a casual conversation about something the toxic person needs to do or something you bring to their attention can trigger a deep narcissistic injury due to ‘any perceived criticism’.
Deep traumatic invalidation occurs when you are told your thoughts and feelings are wrong. “You should not feel that. You are too sensitive. That is not what is happening. These are all the reasons that a whole other reality is happening.”
This person will also give you a compendium of excuses and justifications – bringing in irrelevant examples, such as how others behave – to invalidate your experience and explain why you have it wrong.
And how YOU are wrong for even bringing this up.
Naturally, your head starts spinning.
It doesn’t matter how often you explain WHY you feel this way. The toxic person refuses to acknowledge it. In shock and distress, you may lose your temper and stay awake all night, heartbroken, while this person sleeps soundly in the spare bedroom, happy to have gotten rid of you.
Traumatic invalidation includes gaslighting. Lying to you to skew your reality. Saying they never did that or said that. Or can’t remember saying it. Or you misheard it.
Even when you absolutely are 100% present and know the facts, narcissists continue to lie after being caught out and double down into even more lies. If you try to expose the lie by calling all present to a transparent meeting, the toxic person will refuse to participate, citing some ridiculous excuse.
The narcissist will never own up to their bad behaviour, take responsibility, apologise, or make amends for it.
The dismissiveness is gut-wrenching. As is the refusal to speak and the cruel conditions they place on you as you try to communicate, such as “don’t raise your voice”, “don’t swear”, and “speak to me with respect”. they will even blame you for your emotional reactions from the soul violation of being emotionally thrown under a proverbial bus.
You are told that you are the abuser and the unhealthy person after being manipulated and abused to your very core – and this is done in such insidious and deceptive ways that it puts your mental health at serious risk.
Under the cruelty of soul invalidation, you will become a much lesser version of yourself – you will get sick. The trauma bonds of such treatment are extreme. You will feel hugely addicted to trying to right the wrongs, expose the lies, and push to have your feelings and reality understood and validated.
You may lecture and prescribe ad nauseum repeatedly, trying to get this unwilling, sick, emotionally unavailable person to validate you. You try to force this person into acknowledging what they did and to make amends for the damage they caused you and probably others.
You are the only person trying to save the relationship, trying to move it towards repair, whilst this person arrogantly believes you will continue to endure their destructive treatment and must just settle for the way they behave.
They arrogantly, delusionally believe you will accept them as they are.
How can you when the messages of soul invalidation are clear?
“I don’t care about you,” “I do not value your feelings or you as a person,” “I don’t want to operate with you in truth, honesty and safety together,” “I would rather be ‘right’ than care about emotionally devastating you,” “I have neither the desire nor empathy to care about your emotional, mental and physical health or safety,” and, “I would rather disconnect and lose you in my life than be ‘wrong’.”
Soul invalidation destroys relationships. It shatters trust, connection and intimacy. Your relationship will deteriorate before actually separating. It will be impossible to be passionate and connected partners – at best, you will decline into being disconnected housemates.
Your self-esteem and self-value will be damaged significantly by invalidation, and eventually you will not feel safe to include this person in your life, emotions and bed.
There is only one course of action to take. Let go, heal and recover and seek people who are healthy and whole enough to authentically love you, appreciate and value you.
Validation, Communication And Intimacy
Real love includes showing respect and care by engaging in loving communication.
Being empathetic towards another means listening to and sharing feelings. Being honest with ourselves and our partners. Letting them in allows them to care for and support us and be a team member in times of stress.
Wise people know it’s easy for people to appear caring when everything is going well for them – but how do people operate in times of challenges and stress? Do they take responsibility for their part in these times? Do they look for how to grow and improve their capacity and growth as human beings? Do they lean in kindly and include you? Or do they play the victim, start blaming everyone and everything, and shut you out and attack? Do they project, scapegoat, and blame you for their insecurities and failings, hurting and triggering you?
Can you be honest about your feelings? Have you learned to hold, acknowledge, and deal with your emotional shortcomings?
Do the people you have close relationships with – such as intimate partners – share their true inner selves with you? Can they be vulnerable, honest, and connected by accepting your input and support? Do you have each other’s backs and hearts in times of challenges?
Toxic people are horrified at such a thought, believing that this is a weakness. Whereas it is the greatest strength and sign of a healthy self and character – as well as a powerful way to build attraction, passion, connection, trust, deep friendship and kindship and evolved soul mate relationships.
Defence, resistance, arrogance and superiority are signs of moral and character weaknesses, unhealed and unresolved insecure wounds and feelings.
Narcissistic people do not like to praise you – either in private or in front of others – as this, in their eyes, may raise your ‘superiority’ in ways that threaten them. Maybe you will think you are too good for them and leave them. Maybe you will start to feel good enough to see the truth about how insecure the narcissistic really feel about themselves.
They are horrified that you will work out the truth.
Alternatively, they may praise you to others behind your back. But even this is not about congratulating you but about making others envy them for having you in their life.
Communication and intimacy include the personal validation of showing appreciation and giving compliments. Not just compliments about someone’s appearance but compliments about their heart, their application, their talents and gifts. Let this person know that you value them being in your life and are grateful that they add to your life in the ways they do.
How To Deserve And Choose People Who Will Validate You
For someone to have the presence and development to validate you, they need to be able to validate themselves. Not in the superior, grandstanding, arrogant way that narcissists do, but rather in an honest and humble way, sharing feelings, what is going on with them and being able to ask for what they need.
Defences are not strength but deep-rooted signs of insecurity and woundedness; a defensive person will self-abandon their truth, character and integrity and will destroy yours as well.
How do you choose people whose inner being is healthy enough to value and validate your worth?
They take an interest in you. They ask questions because they are curious and want to learn about your desires and dreams. Rather than talk about themselves, they are comfortable holding space for you and their own. They want to share the limelight with you, grow with you and co-create dreams with you.
How people handle conflict – engaging in uncomfortable conversations – is also a strong indicator. The people who can validate you are healthy enough to be accountable, honest, caring and sorry for hurting you or making a mistake. They can lean in when you ask for what you need. They also speak up about what they need. They communicate with you.
If you have suffered a relationship of soul invalidation, you will have sustained toxic abuse and damage. This causes post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a diminished sense of self, self-esteem and self-worth.
You may be experiencing trauma bonding – a hideous condition characterised by constant rumination, obsession, feelings of helplessness, anger, injustice and sadness. You may still be in and out of the relationship or have become strong enough to know you will never return.
In Conclusion
I hope this article has granted you clarity and an understanding of what has taken place with invalidation; how serious, unsafe and soul-destroying it is; and why it is time to pull and leave when it is at such unworkable levels.
I also want you to know information is not transformation. Inner healing is the transformation necessary to heal you up, to break free from the trauma bonds, the feelings of inadequacy, being unlovable and unworthy of validation and love, and the fears of abandonment and loneliness.
Both of the Quanta Freedom Healing™ programs below will help you detox from the abuser and offer incredible relief from these symptoms caused by trauma bonding. Through deep inner shifts in your DNA, these programs will help you move from abusive situations and into the freedom to create healthy relationships on your terms.
Suppose you are struggling with letting go of the hope that the narcissist could change. In that case, if the battle with keeping no or modified contact, the obsessional thoughts about the narcissist, or are having trouble emotionally reconciling what the narcissist did to you, then The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is the perfect place to begin your healing journey.
And if you are ready to become narcissist-proof, attract supportive and loving souls into your life, become a boundary boss and smash self-sabotage, then The Thrive Membership Program is for you!
Please let me know if this article speaks to you. Have you experienced invalidation such as I have described? Was this consistent with what happened in your life? How is your recovery going from this? Would you like to heal and Thrive after invalidation?
As always, I look forward to your comments and questions below.
Oh my goodness – ( huge exclamation points!!!!! )
This is such a profound and deeply important article!
Every single word hits home, & explains SO much!
This information is life changing, and helps make so much sense of a completely impossible to understand situation!
Melanie, words don’t even come close to the feelings inside of deepest gratitude – this article is life changing!
Narping & learning to self validate are crucial to healing!!!
A million thanks 🙏
” How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news”
Agree! Melanie writes exactly what I’ve experienced and it is so validating. I’m incredibly thankful for her work and the role it’s played in my healing!
Awwww Janine,
Im so happy that you are healing!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Leslie,
I’m so pleased this hit the spot and helped validate you!
Awesome that you are NARPing http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and breaking through!
Please know how welcome you are and thank you for being a wonderful member of our Community
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This has to be one of your best articles yet, Thank You, Mel!
I’m really glad you loved it Frank!
Love and blessings
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Reading that was like you had been standing next to me the entire time. No one that I talk to this about understands … this article explains it exactly like what I am dealing with. OMG.
The unbelievable part is why I keep trying to fix this and go back when I leave and it’s for good every time I always go back. I don’t understand that.
I am staying in a hotel as I write this and I am wanting to go home .
After reading this changed my mind.
I would give anything in the world to be strong enough to hold true to leaving for good…..
I have never been with a partner that is able to hold space for me. I’ve thought something was wrong with me, that I was too picky. Maybe not deserving or even selfish for wanting this. Thank you for the eye opening article.
Mel, I’m not sure if you’ve addressed this phenomenon before in your blog, but I just found out about ‘ the pink cloud ‘ syndrome that people with addictions deal with and it helped me to see what can happen after you leave the narcissist, feel better, but then fall back into the trauma bonds trap of longing for what you left, thinking about it like an alcoholic longing for a drink, thinking it wouldn’t hurt to just send one more text, or call.
Again, a million thanks for your invaluable help in a nearly impossible situation with narcissistic abuse.
Clint, I left for good after 33 years.
He got the house. I moved 1000 miles away to stay NC. You CAN do this. My peace of mind in my simplistic, little life is the most precious gift I can give myself ☮️❣️
It’s been 15 months since a malignant narcissist tried to kill me. Initially ineffective Police let it all go. I gathered the courage to fight for a Right to Review and can only remain hopeful it ends in a court trial. I have worked on understanding that frim a history of a narcissistic mother I was likely to replicate the cycle of abuse through partners. I thought I was doing well and even ready to meet someone new until I read this article. I an dissolved in tears as it’s all bought to the surface once more. This whole process is a lot more about us than the abuser. Thank you for the reminder that there’s a lot further to go yet. I wonder if we ever truly recover?….
Dear Abbey,
YES! You do truly recover! You are on a heroic journey in your outer world (because we all want justice) but apply the same effort to healing the parts of you that create this cycle. If you aren’t already doing NARP, I would encourage you to try it. Healing won’t be an on/off event. You have to ‘peel’ the layers back to get to your true self. Be kind to yourself with the triggers and know that it is your inner being just letting you know a topic that needs some attention. I could tell I was doing better when my mother N went through her routine to get me off center and it had no effect. Turn inward! It is so worth it! Love and Hugs! ❤️❤️
Hi Abbey,
I salute you for standing up … that is massive.
Yes hun we can fully reach closure within ourselves. I cant recommend enough narp and our private forum community to help support you to get there wwww.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I can’t believe all the energy I spent not understanding how narcissists operate. First my father and then my wife. If an Oscar could be given for the show she put on! But the hard lessons I learned are priceless and I would not trade them for anything. I attracted it to learn and heal. The universal laws that God made are just and for our good. I aim for love!
Hi Michael,
I love your orientation.
Thrive on!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
l sigh with relief. You have been able to express my hearts pain in an amazing dialog. 30years of sibling abuse described so clearly and accurately. It is so empowering to feel understood.
My Spirit feels GRATEFULNESS.
🙏 Blessings,, Chez
Hi Chez,
I am so pleased that this validated you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Melanie. I’m inspired to comment in case helpful to others that experience “Soul Invalidation” in a more nuanced, not obvious way. My ex had done a lot of “conscious relationship” workshops, books, interviewed 50 relationship experts, etc. So, he had the vocabulary to spin things to sound great, and speak of himself as being super interested, bring in tools, and give me hope that I could learn/ practice with him to “co-create happy healthy ease, flow.” He’d say just enough “Oh, I realize I’m not being the healthy masculine I could be and I want to work on that” type comments sprinkled in to keep me trying. Often, he’d tell me I was the one who needed to do more work, talk to a therapist about X, I was the one who was gaslighting him, not owning my own reality, not walking the talk of being in joy and “no problem” in the moment or unconditionally loving… all twisted up with spiritual bypassing, blame-shifting cleverness, other people didn’t ask for what you ask for, so you are the one that’s ungrateful complainer, etc. As I write this, it’s amazing I put up with that B.S. as long as I did. But when you are in it, it’s like being a boiling frog in word salad spinning, false hope, my own determination to practice “mastery” and enlightened no blame… had a therapist encourage me to keep trying and “he was just triggered” dismissals, missing all the red flags. I was gaslighting myself, recycling old mommy wound basically- let myself become a wilted lily. I finally got to a point of my body wisdom knowing I’m done, not letting my head-based, spiritual bypassing trying harder or the therapist’s same old “he was just triggered” excuse of ridiculous behavior override that Truth. I’m very happy these days to be out of that and blossoming anew. I would encourage others to listen to their body and choose to be with people who are nourishing for your nervous system and sanity. 🙂
Hi M,
This is what 30 odd years of “not good enough” driven personal development work got me. I can’t think of anything more toxic than two supposedly spiritually oriented people trying to be in a relationship when it’s based on trying to fix or transform things as a compensation for basic feelings of “not good enough”. Language can be a very dangerous thing in such situations and it’s so easy to hypnotise oneself with it, especially when all the words are “spiritual”. Add that to narcissistic word salad and what results is a very big mess. What this has taught me, as I’ve pulled myself out of it, is just how much invalidation I have experienced in my life, long before I crossed paths with my now ex, and how I have run the gauntlet with undiagnosed and untreated mental illness in others in several of my closest relationships, which made normal, sane interactions all but impossible. It’s a testament to how much work I’ve done since leaving that I can read this article and not be upset by it, and be able to face just how much was missing in those relationships, and how I was continually sunk as an empath by trying to fix unfixable messes that were not mine, just to feel safe and ok, and then maybe I’d be loved by people who actually had very limited capacity for demonstrating it in healthy ways.. I felt these things were mine to deal with, and they simply weren’t. Moreover, I told myself a story that this was my place and role in life as an empath – and it isn’t. I told myself this was love – and it’s not. I’m still standing while these others have either passed or are on their way out or have succumbed to really serious mental health conditions, but I have had to acknowledge this has taken a very heavy toll on me that I’m only just really coming to terms with. NARPing to deal with this most recent relationship over the last year has only taken off the top layers – it’s only now that I am really learning how to be with myself and to love myself. You are so right M, that we need to learn to listen to our body and not our head, and to choose those who are nourishing to our nervous system and sanity. I am learning to pay more attention to these signals. It’s very telling to me that I am still getting declarations of I love you’s from my former partner, and though there is still residual grief and loss that I am working diligently to clear, all I can really think is that coming from a narc, wow – how is that exactly? what does that even mean? Answer: it means nothing. I can’t trust a word that is said because there is actually no one of substance there. Being told I love you can get truly dark and truly twisted when it comes from an altruistic, spiritually oriented narcissist who projects ego onto you when it suits them, other mental health conditions notwithstanding. And it’s dawning on me this is only the latest in a long time line of similar dynamics in close relationships which I have til now just accepted in many ways (frog in boiling water syndrome). The hardest part of healing from all this to date has been just to keep looking into the abyss and to embrace what was never there in those relationships, and to reclaim it for myself – to learn how to give it to myself, and get off the hook of being given just enough to keep me interested, but not enough for solid sustenance. Doing this has brought into sharp clarity feelings of invisibility that were always there in these relationships – but that’s ok now. Having an invisibility cloak can be useful sometimes 😉
Hey Freetobeme,
what you have written is absolutely incredible.
Every word – Oh … so … true … for all of us who had been abused by unconscious toxic people, in regard to our own inner journey to emancipation and liberation of self.
What a beautiful spiritual warriror of the Light you are.
Sending you hugs, healing and infinite blessings.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you so much Mel. I am so grateful every day to have found you and NARP when I did. Your work has saved me and become part of the foundation stone of the person I now know I am meant to become. I can’t put a value on how much I have grown so much from this. Eternal thanks to you for showing me the path back to myself, and for lifting the veil on difficult truths which often stay hidden and denied in personal growth work. Some of it is hard to face and deal with, but it is so worth it!
Hi M,
I so agree that body awareness is paramount.
Oh gosh your final sentence is so true!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Mel… your article spoke to me like my soul speaks to me…
Deep down we know what’s going on – breaking free of it is the toughest thing I think a traumatised human has to do, but you show it is achievable with knowledge and inner work.
Thank you for guiding and support us through this process… you are really helping so many people like myself. xxx
Hi Kendall,
oh yes it is the heardest thing – absolutely to break the trauma bonds.
It’s my pleasure and Im so pleased that I can help.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Well put Mel!!
I live with this but don’t want to leave, am I fool who hasn’t suffered enough yet? (20+ years!) It would mean leaving our beloved dog, home, property, business, my dream life I’ve worked so hard for. It would mean facing few job prospects with a few very outdated skills, and I have a chronic illness and disability. Besides I stupidly still love him and we get on ok as friends and flatmates, just not able to be in true relationship…. is there another way??
I’m smart, intellectually and intuitively, and have a strong spiritual practice that makes me strong in many ways and I’ve healed my past trauma (had narcs and bullying throughout my life). Can’t make another change, just keep evolving myself….
Are there others who have healed the situation without leaving, by healing themselves???
Lots of gratitude for your articles 😇💖✨️
Hi Dawn,
my heart goes out to you and your situation.
Dear Lady what you have in staying is what you will get. The answer is no, I dont know of anyone who has healed their situation without leaving.
Thank you for your graitude and please know how welcome you are.
Sending you healing and a powerful miracle.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Dawn. I also believed that I had achieved inner peace and healing while still in the situation but I could not have been more wrong! In my case it was not inner peace, believe me, it was fatalistic acceptance and a “whatever” attitude. It was only when I officially ended the marriage after 44 years that I was able to find my peace and properly heal from the inside out. I gave up everything to walk away and it is so worth it, I cannot be happier!
Oh my goodness ! i can identify with EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS ! every situation and every behaviour explained, and it hurt – a lot !
I have suffered from being tortured by a narcissist partner for over 26 years, now ex thank goodness, but still suffer the after effects, and also, very sadly from a much loved son ! who I have at long last had to admit that he is a narcissist. I don’t know how to deal with this, I walk on eggshells in his company and dont put myself in the position of being hurt, ignored, ridiculed etc. etc., please tell me how to deal with this. Unlike a partner, friend, work colleague etc., I can’t just walk away from this relationship. Please help.
Hi Jeannie,
what you are going through with your son is very painful.
Please google my name and the keywords “our children” and “narcissistic children” and I hope that my many resources can help you.
Sending love and healing to you and your son.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Wow everything you said I can relate too. It’s so heartbreaking. I did that try to get him to listen to me what he was doing was so wrong and disrespectful. It fell on dead ears. You see he met a young girl a girl and was instantly attracted to her. He threw me under the bus immediately the most hurtful was my son kept his secret and treated me with no compassion at all it broke my heart to see how much he was his father’s son. Here’s the sick part I still live with this ass due to financial reasons and we have a teenage daughter who is autistic. We were close he has managed to fill her head with the idea that everything is my fault and I’m the one that makes this home unhappy. Hes the victim in all this and mommy’s the bitch. He has brought this bitch in my home while I’m gone my daughter was here. Tells her not to say anything. Her own father teaching her to be a liar like he is. Hes not only toxic I believe I have met evil.
Hi Gracie,
my heart goes out to you.
Sending you love and healing in the face of this.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Excellent article on the I validation of an abuser. In my cases it’s my sister.
I try to keep contact to a minimum
Thank you Mary,
good for you, it is correct action to detach and look after you!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks Melanie, appreciate your articles and videos.
It’s my pleasure Sid,
Cheers!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for this article. I was in tears reading it. I am in need of serious help. I have been told by 2 psychologists that I have classic symptoms of PTSD. I married a very religious man. I have given birth to many of his children. More than I have been able to cope with. The religious dogma and ideology (and his pleasure) have always gone before my welfare. There is generally only one veiw point tolerated in the home. One right view – the one in accord with his religion. I am out of the house at night now, for peace of mind, but go to be with my children during the day. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I am not with my kids at night. The guilt has been tough to overcome, but I had so many warning signs, serious ones about my physical health, which has been steadily deteriorating over the past couple of years. I have been in a lot of physical and emotional pain, but the move I have already made has offered a little relief, as well as the support from family which is keeping me afloat. I am no longer having panic attacks. Your words have given me hope. I have so much to get through yet. No mediation has taken place yet. I am likely to be treated like an adulteress from the church community, though I have committed no such offence and have been a perfectly faithful wife. My kids are friends with all these families in this circle, I don’t know how to deal with it. Everything feels so messy and entangled. I feel like I’ve been living a lie for so long, the people pleasing has just about killed me. Thank you for reaching out like this. I hope to heal from all my wounds so that one day, I too can help others heal.
Hi Danielle,
it’s my pleasure.
My heart goes out to you so much Dear Lady with what you ar egoing through.
I’d love to help you get some clarity and sanity and strength back. Please download my free eBooks and 16 day free course, as I know this can help you make sense fo all of this, know you are not alone and there are solutions.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope that this can help and Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
My sister and her husband have had me hooked for years, and after the disrespect, invalidation, sprinkled with a few nice comments or favors in between, I struggle with staying away, only to be diminished again.
Its like a meat grinder or mind f….. I will leave out expletives. I’ve become paralyzed emotionally, socially and isolated for years, as if I don’t have the strength to move, thereby becoming more angry. Your articles are excellent and amazing how you describe so clearly a behavior that is so sick, complicated and covert. The worst part of it is, these people make you question yourself! Thank you for your devotion, clarity and concern in helping to expose and therefore anilate these individuals who dont deserve to breath. I will break free. Thank you
Thank you Mel, didn’t realise it was the constant dismissal of my feelings & the excuses on why my needs can’t be met because he was withholding because he was seeking narcissistic supply, that gave me PTSD, I guess it doesn’t make us feel safe if we aren’t heard & dismissed like garbage. My ptsd has pretty much evaporated using NARP. The post has been quite validating.
Hi Heather,
I’m glad this was clarifying for you!
Invalidation is PTSD inducing for sure.
I’m thrilled for you that NARP has helped so much.
Sending continued love and blessings
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie
This article is so right on the money!!!
I dealt with this my entire relationship of 8 years after the love bombing stage. She constantly would tell me “that’s your thought” when I tried to communicate or discuss with her about any thing and everything. Invalidation is definitely soul destroying and getting help after all this as happened to someone is a must. We have been apart for 3 months now and the effects on me are gut wrenching and so painful its disturbing. I never knew someone like her existed and how damaging and uncaring they can be.
Thank you for lighting the way to healing and recovery Melanie!
Hi Joe,
I’m so pleased this has validated you, and its prefectly understandable that you are feeling this way.
Please know it is my pleasure and Im happy I can help.
Joe, have you thought about joining our Private NARP Community to have support, access to deep Inner Identity Healing and the best chance to heal not just from what you are feeling, but also the pattern of this in your future?
We have wonderful men in our Progam Joe, and you will be welcomed with open arms.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
“Narcissistic people do not like to praise you – either in private or in front of others – as this, in their eyes, may raise your ‘superiority’ in ways that threaten them”… God that hits home..
One of my “lightbulb” moments as a kid was when I moved to a new school, and after some struggles, did well in class. My mother: your grades(mostly As) are still not good enough. So I worked harder next term and got better grades. My mother: (searching for faults) well, grades maybe ok, but your handwriting is awful. Angry 11 yr old me: I’ll show you. Changed my handwriting overnight. My mother couldn’t care less. Sad sad moment of realizing she never would care.
Being a good kid and a great student was never enough. My mother never praised or was proud of me, even when others (friends, their moms, teachers) did. I couldn’t reconcile this and remain unable to accept appreciation to this day. She is always uncomfortable if I share something good about myself. But delighted to brag about her own accomplishments. Only wish I had known this truth sooner. So many self esteem issues from this..
Really enjoyed your clearly written article. It gave answers to several strange friendships/relationships I have had. Among them my own brother, maybe mother and mate through 23 years, whom I am now – as you describe – cohabiting with. Not to mention my ten years as a certified teacher in ordinary schools. Strangely I have felt put down and diminished all the way through. Also found myself wondering if maybe I myself own some of the characteristics. That really complicates things doesn’t it? Imagine if it is myself who is the narcissist. Im sure the people I suspect would and do blame me for being so. Will join one of your courses in the fall.
Hi Sally,
Please know it is usual to feel really confused about our part in this too. All of us absolutely have inner wounds and are our own triggers, which means when invalidated can ignite those parts of us that require healing … absolutely.
Narcissistic people will not meet and heal their inner wounds, or wish to grow themselves into healthier people. We do wish to do this – and that is a massive difference.
We look forward Sally to welcoming you into our wonderful Healing Community.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
OMG…I’m jumping into the goal-setting module to release a life-time of invalidation from my FOO right now. I’ve been trying to get the trauma layer out by using the words ‘my victimization’ and ‘my ego’ but this article hits right to the centre…invalidation.
Alhamdullilah! All praise to God!
Love, light and blessings to all,
Hi Fiona,
I’m so thrilled that this was a Lightbulb moment for you!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Only now realizing how i was maltreated from birth with the deepest forms of invalidating that ,of course, me a child wouldn’t have known is a horrible negating of me for the rest of my life. Until I ran into these abuse expertise moguls have i begun to get the led out caused by this betrayal of a nascent child (me). I have one thing to say about that kind of assault on me. That it is exasperating and has been the very bases for a non active existence ever since. Leaving me stammering numb and dumb. Thank a lot creepos. Body bags don’t do them justice , (the photos don’t do them justice). I’ll go back and continue reading the rest of this post.
I just read the article which was sent to me by my wife. What a wake up call! I am a near perfect march to a narcissist! Regardless the fact that I have gone many times to therapy with my wife to save my marriage which just crossed the 21 year mark, I do frequently behave just as discerned in the above article. As such, my wife Cindy has fallen in the arms of another man and regardless of the fact that we both love each other, our marriage is deteriorating rapidly. I am realizing all my mistakes and I need to take steps to correct myself, if not for this marriage, maybe for the next one. Being that I am 62, and have been married been married twice, I do want to know what can I do to repair me. My wife and all the people around me are very important to me and I will do everything I can to change.
Please help!
Melanie, I can’t find the words to express how incredibly thankful I am for you and your work. I found you in one of Nova Gibson’s Q&A videos on Facebook. I thought I was at the end and no more options; boy was I wrong. You and Nova saved my sanity and my life. I’m just past the month mark of no contact and my mind is clearer, I’m less anxious, and I feel like myself again. The things you write are like scripts of my life the past 8 years with a narcissistic partner. The following resonated so much with me.
“You should not feel that. You are too sensitive. That is not what is happening.”
“Traumatic invalidation includes gaslighting. Lying to you to skew your reality. Saying they never did that or said that. Or can’t remember saying it. Or you misheard it.”
“You may lecture and prescribe ad nauseum repeatedly, trying to get this unwilling, sick, emotionally unavailable person to validate you. You try to force this person into acknowledging what they did and to make amends for the damage they caused you and probably others.”
“Narcissistic people do not like to praise you – either in private or in front of others – as this, in their eyes, may raise your ‘superiority’ in ways that threaten them.”
Thanks to your information it all made sense. My head stopped spinning and I just let go. I seriously can not thank you enough. I booked a session with Nova just to personally thank her. You truly are a life saver. From the bottom of my healing heart, thank you thank you thank you. Many blessing to you for all the good you do!!!!
Hi Chad,
I’m so pleased that my material has been able to help you. It’s awesome that you are getting clarity and relief.
Sending you healing and breakthroughs!
Mel 🙏💞🦋