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When you’re around someone toxic you’re being traumatized. This person treats you unfairly and accuses you unjustly – it feels senseless and deeply damaging.

They are triggering your greatest fears and insecurities. The toxic narcissist is keeping you in a state of anxiety, feeling like you’re going to lose love, security, and the ability to even survive what’s happening to you.

This abuse will eventually provoke horrible, emotional reactions that make you feel sick and under threat. You’ll lose your temper and may even physically lash out and retaliate against your aggressor … when this happened to me, I became a mental screaming lunatic banshee. I couldn’t even recognize the person I’d become!

In today’s new Thriver TV episode, I teach you in simple and direct terms how NOT to react emotionally to the narcissist’s taunts. I also explain how to protect yourself, so they don’t cause you to unravel ever again by using your reactions against you.

They’re after A-grade narcissistic supply, so go ahead and watch the video or read the transcript to learn how to stop giving it to them and instead find your path to liberation and freedom.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today, I want to speak to the horrible, emotional reactions that you can have to the narcissist’s abuse. When you feel like you can’t stop reacting – things like the guilt of this, the repercussions of this, how the narcissist uses this against you, and how to inoculate yourself against having such emotional reactions in the future.

Before I get started, I’m really excited to announce my signature healing program, the Thrive Membership Program, is coming up really soon on April 3rd. Members get to go on a 10-week journey with me and my team to learn the exact processes to heal your trauma, recover, and Thrive.

If you’re new to my YouTube channel, please like and subscribe so you receive all the notifications of my new releases.

 

When You Are Around Someone Toxic You Get Sick

We’re going to start off with talking about when you are around someone toxic, you get sick. Let’s get clear on this, of course you’re going to get sick.

You’re being traumatized because what is happening is senseless, unfair, and it’s completely unjust. You’re being accused of doing things, and of being a person that you couldn’t even imagine thinking of being, let alone actually doing those things.

Your greatest fears and insecurities are being triggered. The narcissist is keeping you in a state of anxiety. You’re feeling like you’re going to lose love. You’re going to lose security. You’re going to lose the ability to be able to maybe even survive what’s happening to you.

You don’t need to be on a literal battlefield, dodging physical bombs and distractions to suffer the consequences of being in an emotional battlefield. You can feel like you’re fighting for your life, your Soul, and everything that is dear to you.

And these are the basic foundations, the absolute foundations of feeling solid, whole and at peace. They’re really four things – love, approval, security, and survival. All of these things are under threat, and the fabric of yourself, and your relationship to yourself, life, and others is being compromised.

Right now, I want to give you a hug if you are on this battlefield, and you’re still in a battle with a narcissist. I want to give you a hug. I want you to say to yourself, “Of course, I’ve been triggered, and I’ve retaliated.” I want you to tell yourself that you forgive yourself because you were trying to survive.

Now let’s breathe deeply and put this into perspective. Can you negotiate with madness? Can you sit down, and have an adult mature conversation with a toxic person, and come to an agreement that makes sense? That is a win-win, and is healthy for everybody involved?

No, of course you can’t. Because you can’t, you feel like you’re going crazy because it really is like trying to wrestle a crocodile to the ground, and have it play nice. It’s impossible. I know you’ve tried this. I know you have. You’ve tried to have conversations before you get to the point where you are literally snapping and losing your mind.

You may not have had all of the skills necessary for empowered boundaries with toxic people, so the narcissist knew exactly where to disarm you. In normal day life, you don’t need this level of perfection in your boundaries.

A narcissist puts you into emotional triggers of anger, despair, fear, or injustice, and then knows how to spin it against you by making out that you are the disordered person, and all the issues are your fault. Now we could go over all of the details ad nauseam. I don’t want to do that in this particular video … such as trying to dissect every conversation, to try to work out what happened, because I promise you, I want to take you to a deeper level today, because that’s not your way out of that.

Rather, I just want to make this really simple. In war zones with toxic manipulators, it’s unhealthy, it’s emotionally dangerous, and they trigger you into fear and pain. Then they use that, which is your emotional reaction, as the bullets against you.

Of course, you’ve popped because your back is up against the wall. Of course, you’re going to lash out in ways that are not the person you would be unless you were put into that position. I know you may have really questioned yourself and said, “Well, what if I’m the narcissist?”

The very fact that you are here and watching videos like this means that it’s highly unlikely that you are the narcissist because you are wanting to look at this. You’re wanting to look at yourself in this situation. You feel bad about going off, losing your temper, and even physically lashing out and retaliating, because you’re wanting to look at it and you’re feeling bad about it, means you are definitely not a narcissist.

A narcissist doesn’t feel bad about their bad behaviour for one very specific reason, they don’t care about other people. They don’t care about humanity, or healing, or transforming their lives, or changing. Yet you are seeking that. Therefore, you’re definitely not a narcissist.

I promise you, in the past I looked in the mirror, and I couldn’t even recognize the person I’d become – I was a screaming lunatic banshee. That’s how it appeared to be. I despised myself because I thought I was mental, and I thought I was the person he told me I was.

Now, as a result of Thriver healing, I make no apologies for this journey. What I went through and what unfolded – I’ve forgiven myself for it and I’ve healed from this. I now know how to do things differently in the face of abusers, trying to disarm, spin things back, trigger me, offset responsibility, and turn the blame back on me. I know how to be impervious to this. So, apart from validating your experience and letting you know what really is happening to you, I want to give you these steps.

 

How To Not React Emotionally

So, how do you not react emotionally? Please know that narcissists go for the vulnerable places within you, because they know that this is going to have a maximum impact. They’re not like normal people. Normal people don’t want to hurt people, and they don’t want to trigger them. They don’t want to experience their wrath, or their despair, or their negative energy.

However, narcissists actually feed off it. It’s triple A-grade narcissistic supply. They know, by going after your vulnerable places how it derails you. They know it drives you crazy. They know it gets you to react in crazy ways. That actually allows them to spin the blame, divert attention away from them and what they’re doing, and it can unravel you to the point that they can position you as the enemy, not only to vindicate themselves, but to also paint this picture to others, as well as control you even more through your guilt and shame regarding what you did.

These are the reasons that you must get control of this. So that the narcissist can’t use your reactions against you anymore.

So, how do you reverse this? When a narcissist is aiming straight at the exact place within your emotional being which is going to get triggered … well, first of all, it’s about looking at the bigger picture here. You realize what is happening, that this is actually a plot to undermine you, and to get you to react because that’s exactly what it is.

Really accept and know that your salvation doesn’t lie in changing the narcissist’s version of you. You’re never going to be able to do that. You are always going to be the narcissist’s scapegoat. Nothing is ever going to change that. They’re always going to blame you for it – it’s never going to change, no matter what you do.

So let go. Detach. Stop trying to bring justice to the situation by fighting back. Rather, take space, get away and go within, and shore up, and heal up that target within you that can be attacked by this person, their minions, and those that they’ve enlisted to do abuse by proxy against you.

Now, I want you to think of this metaphor, because it’s powerful. You are at war against vicious weapons. You yourself don’t have vicious weapons, and you don’t want to get involved in a dark war with vicious weapons where nobody wins and everything gets destroyed, poisoned, and obliterated.

It’s a war you can’t win. So you leave the battlefield, and you create your environment with such reinforcement and power that it can’t be infiltrated again. Then you move on to create your reality of love, truth, integrity, wholesomeness, and powerfulness from this space. Then the dark war for you ceases, and your True Self and life can unfold and begin to be rebuilt and then flourish.

That’s your goal. It happens from within. It’s the healing up of all of your triggers that the narcissist used to go after. You remove the targets so that none of the weapons can land.

Then when they try to, there’s no energetic charge on them anymore. There’s no need to retaliate, push back, or fight, which previously was the blood in the water feeding the shark. Narcissists are a parasitical energy. They need your fear and pain to get energized and to power them up. Without it, without that necessary energetic currency, the narcissist has nothing left to fight you with.

 

The Gift Of The Wakeup Call

So let’s have the gift of the wake up call of you retaliating in ways that have shocked you. I know that you freaked yourself out, just as I did, with how badly you’ve reacted. But you know what? It’s a good thing. Because it helped you want to stop doing this.

That’s what the path to coming inside to stop this is all about. This is not about merely cleaning up and feeling guilty. It’s definitely not about thinking you’ve done wrong by the narcissist and that they’re right, and you are mental and crazy. Rather, this is about knowing how to get out of toxic relationships and a life that isn’t working.

That inner healing is needed to break free from this so that you can get straight, clear, and solid within your knowing of who you are, and how other people’s opinions and tactics are not your reality if they’re toxic.

In no way does your version of self rely on their version of you. You no longer have to try to stay with them and force them to change their opinion of you, to know a healthy version of yourself. This is the Thriver work. This is the path to your liberation and freedom.

If you want to discover how you can powerfully heal your trauma and your emotional programs that I’ve just talked about, as well as completely detoxify yourself from narcissists, I’m excited to invite you into my Thrive Membership Program. It’s coming up soon on April 3rd.

Whether you’re beginning your healing journey, or if you just need more guidance for your healing journey, this program is going to benefit you greatly. It’s a 10-week bootcamp where I hold your hand and your heart, and you work personally with me to get through this and out the other side.

So check it out by going to melanietoniaevans.com/thrive.

I hope today has really helped. That is has helped release you from the guilt and the shame, and really set you straight about what’s going on here, and how this is a call to your freedom, your evolution, and your healing.

Please share this with anybody who you know it can help.

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Commments (26) + Leave a comments

26 thoughts on “Reactive Abuse – When You Can’t Stop Retaliating With The Narcissist

  1. Hi Melanie…you are truly awesome and amazing!
    This is an event from one week ago…
    Amazing how spot on and in sync we are? Not a coincidence!

    (Me)

    Hello Poe…

    I purchased a phone card @Best Buy the other day..they wanted my phone number…which was not in their system.

    I really didn’t want them collecting my data…so I used your phone number…

    It was a silly/stupid thing to do…yet an innocent mistake, you have me in several other accounts…and I am sorry for any consequences on your part…

    Of course your phone number connected to your email in their records…I did not consider that before I used your phone number…Please just disregard any correspondence as I will correct ASAP!

    So please, just ignore…

    Thanks

    β€”β€”β€”β€”-
    (Her)

    That is awful I can’t believe you did that. Please make sure you get that taken care of…What other information of mine did you use?

    β€”β€”β€”β€”
    (Me)

    I just used your phone number at best buy…exactly as I said…

    It is not the end of the world horrible as you state…just like always you are somehow injured, somehow offended….

    As always you are perfect and I am crap for making an oversight which I have already stated was MY mistake..

    Only to hold it over me for a weapon the next time you want something from me…

    Am done with your childish abuse…

    You need to grow up..

    β€”β€”β€”
    (Me with my future reply! I did not send this)

    Thank you for being so understanding of my innocent mistake and openly accepting my apology…

    You are the best!

    β€”β€”β€”

    I am so over narcissistic bs../

    Love to all!

    Everything is still perfect with my new girl!

    James

  2. I divorced my extreme narcissistic now ex husband a few years ago. I moved out of state and remarried a wonderful man! My ex just booked his vacation the same week and same place my husband and I will be vacationing with my sisters and brother!! I found this out from my grown kids. How do I handle this?? It will be so awkward having him on vacation where we will be!!! He is always showing up to MY family events!

    1. Dear Teresa, How does he find out personal information about you? When I escaped from my narc years ago, it involvec complete secrecy. I had to leave valuable things behind so that my break was quick, fast and a no look back bolt out the door.
      That secrecy has held for years. So my suggestion would be to shut down any leaks to the Narc.
      If this means locking out family members, then so be it.
      Like Melanie says, he is still getting supply from you and will as long as he can.
      Mel knows what she is talking about.

      1. Ocean Breeze – I had similar situations for years and years. One of his favorite sayings was “I can break into anything”. For example, he would come through a window just to eat a bowl of soup and call me at work later to boast. He remarried and moved into the apartment upstairs from me. They stop at absolutely nothing to get supply. And you can’t say anything or argue with them or report them as stalkers or it will just get worse.

        1. What is wrong with them? my ex who I kicked out of my house works 30 min away yet he is living in a rent house thats way too much for him to afford and its on the very next street from me. I dont get it. I guess we just cant understand their sickness.

    2. Hi Teresa,

      it is so true that we can’t control what other people do or don’t do … but you can work on your inner emotional triggers, so that then you have no “charge” on this whatsoever.

      THen … (and it happens all the time) when something no longer affects you, it leaves your experience, because you have up levelled and graduated (healed) an emotional state that your soul wished to heal.

      (There are no evolution mistakes with WHY we get triggered).

      So the short answer is – the inner work. That is your answer.

      I can’t recommend either NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp or Thrive http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive enough

      Also, you will find so much unlocking and success in every area of your life with either of these healing programs.

      I hope that this helps!

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ¦‹

  3. Thank you. As ever. This episode so spoke to what I have felt in my past experience….and learned to forgive myself for.

  4. Hi Melanie,
    You mentioned in one of the paragraphs above that narcissists don’t really care! That resonated with me today…I was asked by the narcissist if it would be OK for her to come here (my home) today and take things I don’t need, and have these items shipped to Poland or Ukraine or somewhere in Europe to help out during this awful time in Ukraine! The idea was noble but the motivation was, in my opinion, twisted! There’s a bunch of commotion going on at the synagogue because of the situation in Ukraine and, surprisingly, all of a sudden, this synagogue, that is full of narcissists, is suddenly becoming “non narcissistic” and exhibiting “genuine” concern for humanity which, this new found concern, after seeing how so many of them behave, including the leaders, in my opinion is a whole bunch of BS! It simply does not feel genuine to me….
    What I saw in her and have seen in the congregants over the years is knee-jerk reactions to situations that are going on anywhere in the world or anywhere for that matter! It’s so strange because at other times they are complete asses and have no empathy, operate without conscience, talk a whole bunch of religious nonsense and behave so often unconscionably….. that includes the narcissist who has become one of the pillars of morality of the synagogue! πŸ₯Ί
    Fortunately, I was not overwhelmed by this situation! Thankfully, I was able to remotely remember something in the modules that gave me the guidance that I needed to remain composed! I’m not sure which module it would’ve been but the quiet reminder was there and helped….(I, as a result, very calmly told the narcissist that she would have to wait for me to make a decision) and, for a change, I wasn’t afraid of whether or not she liked my decision….(that’s so hard for me)
    You have always stressed consistency, Melanie! You’ve also expressed the disingenuousness of lip service people give to religions and organizations etc. etc. etc.! I don’t think I’m being cynical thinking that all of this commotion and overwhelming zeal and desire on the part of these narcissists was a lot of hypocrisy…. giving in times of need to people who need help is certainly right but when you starve and hurt people otherwise and don’t give a damn whether they’re alive or not, the “giving” is, in my opinion, an insidious way of getting supply….This should be done, i.e., giving and caring without a reason or purpose, ALWAYS!
    Anyway, I hope I learned something for good from this experience! I did learn that NOW AND ALWAYS I will have very good resources to go to…. πŸ™ŒNARPπŸ™Œ whether or not I remember which module or what “source” it was that gave me the guidance through a situation like this doesn’t seem to matter at this point! It was there and I was there!
    I hope this makes sense! I sooo struggled with putting all of this into words…. thank you so much, Melanie, for putting so much of your goodness and kindness out there for so many of us especially during hard earth times like this! Much love to you and everybody…β€οΈπŸ¦‹β€οΈ

    1. Hi Peter,

      trust your body. What you are describing is “virtual signaling” it’s how people who have very little Inner Identity jump on a “bandwagon” that is the “public consensus” to garnish supply for being “a good person”. That is why it feels “off” and disingenuous.

      It is.

      And, they like to smear and discredit people who don’t jump on THEIR bandwagon with them … narcissistic abusing by projecting their own selfish unclaimed, unhealed parts onto others by trying to demonise THEM.

      (Btw don’t try to explain this to her – because that would be POINTLESS!)

      The other thing about this is these are YOUR things!!! Its none of her business or RIGHT to put your things up to be donated!!

      Donate your own things if you feel so passionate to donate, or go buy more things, or fundraise or whatever. This doesn’t make YOU a bad person! You have every right to align with your versions of truth and kindness – NOT hers.

      This is an excuse to mine you, suck your energy in and/or beat the crap out of you emotionally if you resist. And its violating to get her mits on YOUR things!!

      You can see why, with N’s Peter – NO CONTACT is necessary.

      Stop participating Dear Man …

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ¦‹

      1. Dear Melanie!
        Thank you so much for understanding and giving me such good advice and guidance with much needed, for me, heartfelt compassion! πŸ’ž
        It’s really fascinating that you responded this way! I have a Lakota shaman friend who has been helping me over the years with all sorts of things!( In particular, interestingly, she has cautioned and guided me numerous times about falling into the trap of letting the narcissist siphon things from my home for her benefit…) which has always been so difficult for me because the narcissist is very cunning and knows my weaknesses and takes advantage of them …😈 that I need to, as the shaman expressed, STOP accommodating this person….(The shaman lady does not use the words no contact but she does often indicate that I need to do something similar with the narcissist)
        You certainly, with your wonderful wonderful words of guidance and compassion make things often so much more palatable. Your simple reminder of going and committing myself to NO CONTACT at the end of your beautiful message really hit home…..πŸ™Œ When I am in the middle of all of this commotion it is really hard to do that but I know that when I am reminded and practice no contact it gets better because I get better!
        Thank you! I will never try to explain what you just told me to her! All it would produce is more anger in her and more difficulty for me so I will just keep all of this a secret that only you and other NARPERS will know…πŸ™Œ
        I can’t thank you enough.. your message has so deeply resonated…….I’ve run out of words that I can say that I’m feeling in my heart, for you for taking your precious time to respond, so kindly, to me and help me! Thank you so much for being here for me and so many others on this planet earth and sharing with all of us your wisdom, kindness and goodness! Much love, Melanie across the miles! β€οΈπŸ¦‹β€οΈ

  5. A few weeks ago, the narc had pushed my buttons like always and I exploded. Where he’s been living is at the edge of the river bottom outside and when he needs to use the restroom but is too lazy to get out of bed, he urinates in 2 liter soda bottles. I went back to his camp as it’s called and dumped a couple of them all over his bedding. I also mixed in some Oreos, some bread, whatever I could find, until it was a disgusting mess. Then, I pulled his blankets back over the top of the mess and left it for him to climb into. He hates being wet and it’s pretty windy and cold out there at times. Imagine him climbing in without realizing what he was gonna be laying on. Think he was mad? You betcha. And I’ve never done things like this to any of my many prior narcs–just this one. I’m not proud of it and at the time, I didn’t give a rat’s ass about my behavior. I felt bad afterwards when he berated me to make me feel dumb but I’ve never once done something like this for no reason, only when he throws another chick in my face or has insulted me then tried to discard me during a crisis. Definitely not normal behavior for me and he’s used it to his benefit anyway. It hasn’t stopped any of his abuse either. I’ve been no contact for 2 days now and Idk how I feel about all of it since I’m not a newbie when it comes to narcs or their abuse. I knew what he was from the beginning and stuck by him for 16 months anyway. I think he’s got a major health issue that he’s not letting too many people in on and that worries me and I wish I could be there for him should it get worse but he doesn’t care about anything so I’m torn. I can only do so much and he did something unforgivable the other day so that’s why I’m gone. I hope he’s OK and all but I’m having mixed feelings about all of it. It’s just too freaking sick and sad.

  6. Thanks Mel for the video and as always it is so very helpful. I have been trying to figure out my situation. For me, it is difficult to tell if I have been discarded by the narcissist and I am just being hovered or if I am still not discarded yet and I am just being devalued. I don’t know if it matters much as abuse is abuse. All of your videos and articles have described narcissist behavior so well that I am now able to predict what the narcissist will do next. Which is helpful, as it stops me from being triggered as much.
    I agree with you 100% that a narcissist needs my pain and reactions. I have noticed that if they don’t get a reaction then they will simply become more obnoxious until they do. And then they use my reaction of anger, sadness, or despondency to point out how “disordered” I am. Simply, maddening!! It would be comical if it wasn’t so destructive.
    I have been doing the healings, more consistently now, yay!! And I am less triggered by their antics. Sometimes I just watch them and have myself some entertainment (a laugh) for the day and move on with my life. And other times they get under my skin. But overall, they bother me less than before. So I take this all to mean, I am healing and moving in the right direction. My outer life is somewhat better- meeting new people, interviewing for jobs, and into that healthy lifestyle. oh yeah!!
    Happy healing fellow thrivers πŸ™‚ may we all make it out the other side of narcissistic abuse intact.

  7. Melanie (our mostest-hostess) and others who participate here: GRATITUDE for this safe space!

    In my many decades of life I have been politically active, a recurrent theme has been “speak truth to power.” Sometimes that works (yea!) sometimes it doesn’t and the wheels of politics grind onward. As I recover from the wickedness of narc abuse, I find a resonant theme: “speak truth to [abuse, sociopathy/psychopathy, madness, the sickness of personality disordered behavior…].” What I find is that this doesn’t really change the disordered person, but it is so healing for me and others around me, such as family members who have turned against me because they believe(d) the smears and lies, yet are now finally beginning to “see the light” of truth.

    Keep shining the bright light of truth ahead, fellow Thrivers (and survivors-who-shall-one-day-be, like me). Be careful doing so directly to your narc abuser (especially alone with him or her); don’t waste your time attempting to convince the narc. Doing so in front of others who believe(d) the smear of lies but are ready to unlearn them can pay huge dividends (notice how the narc distinctly engineers things to make this nearly impossible). But only when they are ready. You’ll know when.

    Speaking truth like this deeply honors who we are and is crucial work our planet needs right now. So many of us are at war with one another, both interpersonally and sadly, globally. Retaliation (“an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”) won’t win, but the truth, spread lovingly and honestly to those who are ready to hear it, actually is what can and will win. It isn’t really even “winning,” it is more like the natural order of light and dark balancing out. We might not be able to blot out all of the darkness, but we can shine as brightly in our truth as we can. I wish all of us here (really, all of humanity) the very best as we do so.

    Have patience: don’t let the narc “suck you in” as you do. Retaliation and revenge get us nowhere.

  8. Hi Mel!! This video resonated with EVERY PART OF MY BEING!! God Bless you and Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and specifically detailing all of the necessary steps needed, to get to where I want to be.
    Thank you from my ❀️

  9. Hi modt people on here are talking about narccisstic partners but I’m dealing with my 35 year old son who has given me so much worry and all the things you talk about with their behaviour.Today was Mother’s Day and I hate it I never get a phone call a card nothing and this been going on for about ten years or more it’s driving me mad have been to counselling the lot.My son not been diagnosed but all the signs are there he ticks every box.Just keep thinking is it my fault as he blames me for everything even though it’s been his choice for what he does now.I don’t know where he is or anything and he knows I’m a worrier etc.Just wondered if anyone has this with a son or daughter or is it just partners.I don’t know anyone going through anything like this so upsetting I just shut myself away on these occasions like today as can’t face it.

  10. Thank you so much Melanie. It feels so good to know that someone out there understands and gets it. Your kind compassionate words and sensible advice is definitely me helping right now. πŸ™ ❀️

  11. Ohh dear Melani, what kind of helpful person you are!!!
    I am so grateful that you are there for me and all of us.
    I have survived my abused husband . but he keeps coming back with the reason to check on children.
    Keeping my life free from retaliating, responding and not putting my emotions to his tantrums have saved me a lot.

    Above all, to get off from narcissistic torture is to have some money, materials friends who understand and love you and many more

    Dear , Peter, Molly, Burns, Tracy and many more,
    all narcs are so terryfying but our inner healing like what I got from Melani modules and videos are enough to keep us going.

    I am healing day by day and I am happy to announce that I have started helping counseling others from Uganda who are in the situation I was in those days.
    Thank you so much and May the living God bless this Melani community

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