When you enter into a relationship with a narcissist you can expect them to, sooner rather than later, start messing with your noodle.
Eventually you’ll start questioning yourself because they’re going to tell you your perception of what is going on is wrong and the reasons why you’re wrong.
You’ll have serious self-doubts about what to believe, what you can trust and what you can’t trust, whether you’re to blame for everything that’s wrong and whether your intuition is telling you the truth.
You’ll feel uneasy, panicky and confused because you are being toyed with, undermined and destabilized.
These mind games are real and a common pattern in most, if not all, relationships with a narcissist. I’ve been a target of them and have lived them first hand.
This latest Thriver TV episode is all about helping you identify the eight mind games narcissists play and learning how to stop feeding into them so you can understand that it’s impossible to create sanity within insanity or order within pathological disorder because these toxic individuals just do not have the capacity, the resources, or the desire to play nicely.
Video Transcript
I know you know narcissists mess with your head so much. Today, I’m going to explain the eight ways that they do this and I’m going to also explain how you can avoid falling for it.
I know this is going to help you so much, but before we get started, I’d just like to do a shout-out to thank all of you so much for supporting the Thriver mission. Please know how grateful I am for all of your support and for passing the message on.
Please make sure if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel, that you do, and also if you enjoy this video, please like it and share it on. Let’s get started with today’s lesson.
The First Mind Game The Narcissist Plays Is Love Bombing
The first mind game the narcissist plays is love bombing. So this is, they tell you what you want to hear, they identify what you’re looking for to start feeling happy, safe, and whole. So, maybe it’s compliments, maybe you feel like you’ve never been seen and heard properly, and somebody didn’t give you enough compliments. They’ll work that out very quickly and they do. So they could be showering you with compliments and telling you how special you are and how you deserve to feel special.
And they can do all sorts of things. A love bombing could just be something that’s been missing in your life or something that’s hurt you and they will pretend they’ll purport that they’re going to be the supplier of the thing that’s missing or the saviour of the thing that’s hurt you.
And you may feel like a man or a woman in a desert, and you’ve just found your oasis. This is what you’ve been looking for on a friendship level, on a business level, on a love level, all sorts of ways they work out how to slot in.
The Second Mind Game The Narcissist Loves To Play Is Gaslighting
The second mind game that a narcissist loves to play is gaslighting. So what happens is once you’re in a relationship with them, then they start screwing with your noodle.
This is where you’re going to start questioning yourself because they’re going to tell you your perception is wrong and the reasons why you’re wrong.
Narcissists can tell whopping big lies so they can make up all sorts of realities that aren’t even realities, and because you’re a good person and you think that people can’t look you straight in the eyes and lie to you, it’s insidious, you don’t really know what’s going on and they’re going to tell you that you’ve got it wrong – that your reality is wrong.
You start distrusting yourself and it gets to the point where you don’t know what to think, or what’s true, or what’s not true, and your center gets knocked out – your intuition – you don’t know what you can trust what you can’t trust, and of course, the narcissist is going to tell you that their reality is what exists, and that you’ve got to trust them because they’re going to grandstand to you that they’re right. And it messes with your head so much.
The Third Mind Game The Narcissist Plays Is Blame-Shifting
The number three mind game is blame-shifting. So this is the narcissist’s playbook – it is accuse you and degrade you with everything that THEY’RE doing.
They’re going to tell you that you’re not to be trusted, that you’re the unloving, uncaring one, that you’re the one that wants attention, that you’re the one that’s insecure, that you’re the one that lies, and what really adds injury to insult here is that they’re going to convince people in your circles, which could be your family, your friends, your associates, that you’re doing these things. You’re the one to blame, you’re the one that’s not well, you’re the one that’s this, that and the other.
That’s going to cause other people to distrust you as well because they’re like you, they can’t fathom that a grown adult will look you straight in the eyes and tell you whopping big fibs.
Narcissists are so skilled at it and the thing is, anybody when they tell themselves the same reality, a number of times – it becomes their reality. The narcissist literally believes their own lies.
And then, of course, you’re going to try and defend yourself, and when you try to defend yourself and you’re already abused and traumatized, the more guilty you look.
The Fourth Mind Game The Narcissist Will Play Is Triangulation
The number four way that a narcissist messes with you is triangulation.
This is so confusing and it does mess with your head. The narcissist is going to keep you and certain people apart from each other, and what they do is divide and conquer. So they’re going to smear you to that person and that person is going to be smeared to you so that you distrust each other.
And that means that you can be pitted against each other, but without both realizing who’s actually doing this. It’s another thing that’s deeply ingrained in the narcissistic playbook – they know how to do this.
They know how to get other people at each other’s throats or distrusting each other or separated from each other, rather than looking at who’s actually causing the drama and the mayhem. So narcissists will commonly use this in a workplace so that they can slide in and get the promotion, or they can get the accolades, or they can get other people doing their bidding for them. It’s really sneaky and narcissistic.
They’re also really good at doing it in romantic interests. So you could be in a so-called committed relationship with a narcissist, they’ve got somebody on the side that they’re telling that person that you’ve separated and they’re telling you that that person is a pain in the neck and they don’t like them. And this is how it works.
The Fifth Mind Game The Narcissist Plays Is Self-Esteem Reduction
Number five, self-esteem reduction. The narcissist bit by bit is going to convince you that you’re wrong, that you don’t have your own power, that you are incapable and that you can’t think, exist, and survive on your own, and if it wasn’t for the narcissist, that you would not be able to perform, create, or have A, B, C, D, E, so they’re going to make you feel like you’re a victim, that you’re powerless, and you’re dependent on them.
The narcissist could tell you things like, “Nobody’s ever going to love you as much as what I do.” So these are very unhealthy dependencies. And if the narcissist can render you emotionally and mentally dependent or physically dependent on them, then you’re going to remain hooked, you don’t get the power to leave them, and the narcissist can keep controlling you.
The Sixth Mind Game The Narcissist Loves To Play Is Triggering You
The number six way that the narcissist will mess with your head is triggering you on purpose.
When you try to confront the narcissist, the narcissist may throw a bomb in there, like a nasty malicious comment, or they’re going to infuriate you, trigger you with things like, “Oh, look at your body language,” or, “Look at how you’re behaving,” or, “I’m not going to speak to you till you calm down,” and oh gosh it’s infuriating.
It can make you lose your temper. It’s called bait and switch. I’m going to bait you, then I’m going to switch the blame onto you and I’m going to tell you that you’re the one that’s out of order, you’re the one that’s angry, you’re the one that’s insane, and that’s what they do.
The Seventh Mind Game The Narcissist Will Play Is Using Your Past Against You
The number seven way that a narcissist messes with your head is using your past against you.
The narcissist may tell you that it’s because of your past relationships and your issues or your childhood that, that’s why you have these issues, that’s why you don’t trust them, that’s why you’re paranoid, that’s why you struggle with communication, and the list goes on and on and on and on.
And I know I’m not telling you anything you haven’t heard because this is all a part of the narcissistic playbook and it can make you, of course, doubt yourself. And you may think, “Oh my God, maybe they’re right.”
Because the thing is, most people who get with narcissists are really honest decent people and we take responsibility and we feel guilty and we go, “Okay, well, I do have a big part in this.” And you can take on so much of the blame and the confusion because you’re having your head messed with.
The Eighth Mind Game The Narcissist Plays Is Insisting Upon Therapy With You To Manipulate The Therapist
The number eight way that a narcissist may mess with your head, and this one’s horrible, maybe the narcissist will say to family and friends and you, “Okay, well, we need relationship counselling, we need therapy,” and on the outside, people may think, “Well, that’s nice and that’s good, they’re serious about doing something about this.”
But if this is a narcissist, what they can do is manipulate the therapist and have the therapist then turn on you. So they get in there all calm and nice, and the good person, and they’re going to charm the therapist to believe that they are the good one, and you’re the one with all of the problems, and the childhood past, and all of the reasons why the relationship’s not working, and what that grants them is an added ally to abuse you with.
Now, not all narcissists do number eight, most of them do everything else, but I just wanted to put that one in because that can so mess with your head, it really can.
Conclusion
This is eight of the very common ways that a narcissist can mind-screw you, and of course, there are heaps more, but it just gives you an idea of what you may be up for and it can validate you if this is what you have experienced in the past, or you’re still experiencing now.
Of course, narcissists drive you crazy, and the more you get in there and you try to lecture and prescribe and justify and explain and get them to stop doing their games and try to make them play decently, it actually makes it worse.
It’s handing them the bullets to continue abusing you because a narcissist couldn’t care less about you arguing about two flies going up the wall. They don’t care about the content or what you’re saying, it’s all just attention and like a shark in blood infested water, it just powers them up, it feeds them to keep going at you. The more attention you give them, the more anger, upset, being distressed, it just excites them to go in harder.
So how do you get out of this? You have to detach.
You can’t create sanity with insanity, you can’t create order within pathological disorder, they just do not have the capacity, the resources, or the desire to play nicely.
So there’s only one option. Detach, pull away from the stove that keeps burning within you and frying your brain. Go within, heal and develop the relationship between you and you, that will need no validation from anybody else because it’s between you and Creation and Source. Then it’s solid, then it’s real. And then you don’t need anybody else to get it or play nice. You’ll just detach, especially from somebody who is horrifically abusing you.
And I really want you to start unraveling all the best ways to do that and that’s exactly what this Thriver community is about.
That’s what I’ve been able to do – gloriously and humbly over the last 10 plus years – help thousands upon thousands of people from all different countries around the world find the real way to heal from this, which sadly not many people are talking about.
The best way that I can help you as a starting point is by you signing up to my free 16-day course, because that’s going to start giving you resources and your sanity and strength, and the answers to come out of this insane web of lies and manipulation, to be able to take your power back and anchor into truth and relief and courage to heal this and get this right.
So you can do that, you can get that started today by clicking the link at the top right of this video. I know how much it’s going to help you.
I really hope that today’s helped and it’s validated you because this is the stuff that narcissists do and I really want you to know that there is a way up and out of this, so make sure that you sign up to my free course, if you haven’t done that already, because that’s going to get your journey and the sanity started today.
As always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
So true Mel! My soon to be ex husband tried so hard for me to go to marriage counseling and marriage coaching after I filed for divorce. I 100% know he would have used that time together to destroy me further. He just wanted to look good to others that he wanted to “save the marriage”. So Including that last one on the list is good, because it was my N last resort that he had never tried before during the marriage! Sending hugs & light your way 🙌🏻🌹🌸💛
Hi Tabitha,
yes! Then of course they can try to look good!
So great you didn’t fall for it!
Big love and hugs back to you Dear Lady
Mel 🙏💕💚
That was my marriage for 13 years, thank god that’s over!
These types of videos are so important Melanie, helps people retain their sanity.
So grateful for you, the NARP team and the program.
Robyne my darling,
I am so pleased for you that you are getting there and NARPing those wounds away.
So much love from me and the team!
Mel 🙏💕💚
SO HOW DO YOU GET THE NARC. TO AGREE TO A DISOLUTION SO HE CAN NOT PUT ON A COURT SHOW.?
MY DAUGHTER IS STAYING WITH ME TO BE SAFE FROM THE VIRUS SINCE HE WANTS TO CONTINUE TO GO TO BARS ADN SOCIALIZE
SHE MAKES NO CONTACT WITH HIM BUT HE SENDS A REGULAR FRIDAY NIGTH RANT AFTER HE HAS BEEN DRINKING USING THE THINGS YOU MENTIONED.
HOW DO YOU GET RID OF HIM. THEY HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD BOY WHO DAD DOES NOT CONTACT.
Do Narp program. You must first heal your trauma…..it’s the energy in you that gets triggered and reacts and that’s supply for the narc energetically. That’s how they survive by destroying others. Vampires. Module8 in the Narp program is perfect for Court situations. It works if you work it…..otherwise nothing else does.
thanks i am going to do it for me. i have to deal with all this too. and he tried to do it to me.
Hi M,
as Bee suggested NARP is so effective to help you with this.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending you love and strength for what you are dealing with
Mel 🙏💕💚
Many thanks for this video Melanie, I was on the verge and about to clarify a situation with a narc and your video arrived. Mind Games of course!!
Why did I feel the need to do this, to ward off being punished by possible rejection.
Hi Anne,
you are very welcome.
You do this because there is an unhealed inner part still connected up in this … it’s such an uncosncious part of n-abuse and the awakening and shift necessary to get out and stay out and move on.
Fears of abandonment are terrifying – I went through them hugely too.
Have you thought about healing with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
It does the deep inner work on these traumas, gets them up and out and then you will no longer be trauma bonded to this person (or any other abuser who does this).
I can’t recommend NARP enough for you to break free and heal.
I hope this helps, much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
So Spot on Melanie, I went marriage counseling once with the nark, big mistake, I came away thinking, what just happened in there ! they don’t want resolution, just conflict and another time while I’m washing the dishes she said just our of the blue, you know our marriage is rubbish and I’ve already been to 3 counselor’s already, ha a no win situation, just So glad to be out of it, Blessings Col.
Hi Col,
I went through the same thing too!
Never again!
Bless you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
That last one about counselling …I have a gal pal embroiled with an N that doesn’t seem to disengage no matter how bad it gets
This guy talked her family into thinking she is a drug addict and they spent $15,000 on an intervention with the whole family present to send her to forced rehab center but it was unsuccessful because she doesn’t use drugs and simply took a drug test. She is a successful business owner and he was trying to break her self esteem and even her finances to get her back after she left him
But she still engages with him almost daily – though they are ‘arguing’ so she thinks she’s ‘setting him straight’ or ‘making him accountable’
So frustrating to listen to her complain
Stop listening. She is on her own journey. You need not be her trash can or savior where she dumps her stuff each time. If you continue to enable her by listening every time, she will continue using you for this purpose which only takes you down energetically. This is toxic. Disengage. When she is ready she will let go or not but that’s her journey.
Melanie – Have been looking at your videos for YEARS – and each one is more healing than the next. What I find having suffered a lifetime of a narcissistic parent is that the issues are so deeply ingrained – that I need to look and listen over and over to these types of healing thoughts – because at the age of 61 – It is a serious process to rid myself of the trauma and pain. I am in therapy 3 years now for this too – there were a number of other very difficult family dynamics in addition – just to topline – nearly two decades of parents divorce, the other parent suffered alcoholism, a sibling with drug abuse and overdose death. The crowning irony at the eleventh hour was that the naricissistic parent threw me out of her life – demanded I seek therapy – and then did exactly what you mention – tried to charm the therapist and get him to prescribe medication in order to control me from being my own person – this was a person in her 90’s doing this. All the other 7 methods you mention are also spot on – but it seemed important to say “the kicker” – really happened to me. Thank heaven the therapist saw right through the ruse, played her voice messages to me so we could both hear the technique at play and analyze the issue(s) together – and PS – he did not think I needed any medication at all – to be subdued and controlled by the narcissist! She even had her lawyer call to see when this would happen and question why it was not happening – which in the country is ILLEGAL. His interest in doing so was pssilby to have total control over the money when she passed on and perhaps have me institutionalized – would have been a lot cheaper than sharing the estate when she passed on! The sad part – loving oneself and having no contact – is that the issues are so deep within in me for the decades of my life – it is difficult as it processes out of me not to feel equally traumatized – because at some point I put blinders on and just went with the circumstance in order to survive it – As an adoptee (at 3 months of age) – I had already had rejection trauma and couldn’t face that again either. I want to heal and change and grow – but I must tell you – it is a s-l-o-w process – eventhough the narcissistic abuser is now dead – I wonder when life will begin for me and if I can every really reach any other potentials and “come into my fullness.” Written with tears. . .
Hi Victoria,
I’m so pleased that my videos speak to you!
I would really love you to take my free workshop http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar because there is a fast-track healing way that myself and so many others have taken – that works at any age!
I know you want to heal, from what you have written, and that is why I’d love 2 hours of your time to show you exactly how this is really possible, in the most painless, direct and powerful way.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I so hope that this helps and empowers you
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I left the narca demon on 5/9/20. We haven’t talked since. There is another narca demon in town & a woman. She is worse than the narca demon I left & caused more serious problems. I was lucky to get a police report for 5 people, at least, entering my home illegally. While, I was in the hospital, there was an attempt of arson to destroy my office. It was put out, but maintenance tried to blame me, but I have the medical bills to prove I wasn’t home.
Melanie, my ex husband used everyone of those
games: he turned our 3 kids against one another with triangulation. I didn’t know the term, but I used to tell them (now in their 20s), “if you 3 ever spoke & compared stories, you’d see that your dad is at the root.” We used my kids to bait & switch & trigger me so much that they told me, “Dad is trying to be a good guy, mom, you need therapy.” For those reasons & many more you mentioned, our kids did his bidding after our divorce and I spent years treading water defending myself. Now, I don’t speak with my children. It used to hurt terribly. Now, not so much. I told them that I’m not interested in completing cycles & having them in my life. Unfortunately, they’ve been brainwashed & were okay with that because they’ve bought into his lies. I pray for them, but I don’t engage any longer. Lastly, our divorce happened 8 years ago & the narc found a new supply & married the poor woman. I even legally changed my name to my maiden name & he still tries to infiltrate my life. A retired coworker approached me, “I met your ex while fishing.” WTH! But because of your teachings, I was able to detach & pretend I didn’t know who he was speaking of. The man kept trying to convince me otherwise so I ended the conversation. Do you have other advice?
Hi Dayna,
my only advice ever – is this – HEAL … then all else follows.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and this will explain to you exactly what I mean and what can truly help you.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Number 8 you wouldn’t believe but they enjoy the challenge. They believe they can fool them. They will fool most, however, when they come upon the educated therapists they become belligerent and off their game. I wish the therapists were trained in in the narcissistic behavior.
Hi Melanie, I’ve been meaning to write to your for a while. I work in domestic violence and I didn’t want to see what was going on in my own relationship. That was until my exparnter tried to completely destroy me. I personally feel dealing with a death would be much easier to handle then dealing with this whole new horrible person, that was there hiding. The only way really is no contact or my case minimum contact as we have kids. This gives you a chance to truly see the person your dealing with and its not pretty!! . I find your advise and guidance so validating. This experience has taught me to be there for my domestic abuse clients in a whole new way and I can truly empathise. And hopefully help them along their journey.
Hi Katherine,
its great that you have reached out today!
Katherine so many people in your field, as well as spiritual and contemporary therapists of all descriptions, go through this!
Absolutely we teach what we most need to learn – and experience is powerful.
Sending breakthrough love and healing to you and your clients
Mel 🙏💕💚
I had a similar experience. He manipulated me to get out from a high level secured psychiatric ward, feeding both me and the psychiatrist a pack of lies. They never been able to diagnosed him because of his clever way to quickly put the mask on which obviously he did not fool me and I never had the chance to talk whim whom in charge of his mental health because he would not allowed me.
Just to say Melanie, that this really does happen, in that, after many years of trying to understand why I felt continually depressed lonely and lacking in self esteem, being intellectually bullied for so long, I was at breaking point. My husband decided Marriage counselling was best “for me”. He had asked the therapist not to tell me he was having an affair, in case I tipped over the edge! Well with all the subterfuge going on I did just that and ended up in hospital. Some months later, I went back on my own to see the therapist, and she admitted she knew, and they had indeed colluded, so manipulation is their game indeed.
Gosh Esme!
you have been through so much.
Sending you healing and resurrection after all of this.
Mel 🙏💕💚
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 9 years and it’s only now that I’ve been able to walk away from it.
Everything I read is about detaching myself from him.
But I’m finding that so hard as we have two young children together.
His constantly at me to see the kids, and when I do take them it’s never enough. When I don’t, I’m the worst person in the world for taking them away from him. If I respond to messages he finds away to attack me, if I ignore what his saying I cop 100 messages.
How do I do this,, I need to move forward, I need to heal, escape from his constant abuse. My children need a happy and strong mum who can advocate for them
Hi Kelly,
my heart goes out to you. Absolutely what you are dealing with is very painful and challenging, but please know there is a way to get empowered and clear – to be able to deal for you and your children – sooner rather than later.
Please check out these two resources that can help you, and in tandem are very powerful.
1) Google my name Plus “parallel parenting” and
2) Look into my NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaeevans.com/narp
I hope that this can help you and much love to you and your children
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have finally reached the end. For 3+ years, my narc continued an affair with his former TA –that I’d written the letter of recommendation for! I found out through a pocket dial from the airport when he was dropping her off after taking her on a business trip to Phoenix. He kept me around for comfort when things were crazy with her, and I kept the hope alive that he “really loved me” and my children, and would eventually come around. Meanwhile, he future-faked and lied to both of us, taking me to neighborhoods where we’d get a condo together and for day trips in his new car I’d help him choose. His lies will be destined for her alone now, as I am out. The final straw was when he begged me not to tell her he’d been with me numerous times over the past few months that they have been separated. He “cried” and flattered me, saying “I love her, but I love you, too,” desperate to keep the news from her, since he’d gone back to the woman who claimed, for the tenth time at least, that she was dead to him. Her family contacted him to help her since she went to the ER for panic attacks–not for the first time–and couldn’t focus and might lose her job. Meanwhile, he convinced me to meet him and tend to him because he was “suicidal.” The very worst is that throughout the whole thing, they keep talking about “God’s will” and “miracles” , etc. Their selfish actions do not denote the will of any God I know. Very sad all the way around–and so sad that I fell for it–again. Please. Finally done.
Thanks for helping me recognize all the signs of narcissism, though I’m a rather slow learner evidently.
Yes . Yes and yes … it’s all
called insanity ❤️❤️❤️🐒🐒🐒
How sad can this get .. all in all was done .he was my first love and I got married to him for 7 years.
I wish somewhere I had known this in the past, the damage could have been controlled.
Am glad I know now what deep mess am into..
Another game a narcissist plays is giving too much time in the beginning where it becomes or seems’ to be their normal interactions with the significant other. And then little by little they remove themselves it can happen very fast, leaving the victim wondering a state of doubt. This is to lower the victims self esteem and sanity . The victim will either move on or throw themselves more at the narcissist . If the narcissist has played games of distrust and the victim feels a little jealous. Many of those victims with throw themselves at the narcissist in a more affectionate sexualised way. Sex is not love people it’s procreation.
Hi Mel..
I’m in love with a narcissist. I’m just seeing the symptoms. It hurts so bad.
The love bombing, I feel like I’ve never been loved this hard.
Isn’t there a way to help him? Other than detaching?
Oh so true in every way … tick tick tick
But your solution is even BETTER ❤️❤️❤️⬆️🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻