Melanie Tonia Evans

Gaslighting – How A Narcissist Destroys You By Eroding Your Sanity

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 8
71
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

“Gaslighting” is an expression that many people in narcissistic abuse circles have heard.

The term owes its origin to a 1938 play “Gas Light” and its 1944 film adaptation.

It’s the insidious way narcissists get us to doubt our own sanity, and cause us to be twisted and turned into not knowing what is real or not real.

Gaslighting is about untruths, or at the very least stretching facts. It is about punishing people and fabricating information to suit one’s own agenda.

It is about confusing you, stripping your power and getting you to distrust yourself.

It is about destroying your character to yourself and anyone else who will listen.

The trauma of gaslighting, is for all off us who have suffered it, unspeakable.

How do narcissists do this, and how does it impact us?

As terrible as gaslighting is, I promise you that there is a way that we can become impervious to it, and throughout this episode, I grant you a startling example of a client of mine who went through a horrendous gaslighting experience.

This video then leads though into how she was able to untangle herself, see clarity and completely break free from his abuse and start her life again in powerful ways.

It is my greatest wish is that is you are suffering being gaslighted, or are still stuck in the terrible aftershock of the trauma of it, that this Thriver TV episode will help you see the way up and out to heal for real.

I remember vividly how I was gaslighted by the narcissist into believing that key people in my life distrusted me, and that I was the one who was continuously “wrong”.

I was so disoriented, that for a very long time I had no idea what to think, and I certainly could not work out the truth or trust myself.

My heart empathises with you, knowing how awful it is to be always chasing your tail and to be filled with shame, wondering if the narcissist was right about you all along.

If you would like further help with this very delicate and painful topic, please post your questions and comments below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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71 Thoughts on Gaslighting – How A Narcissist Destroys You By Eroding Your Sanity
  • Hilmarose@aol.com'
    Hilma
    July 7, 2017

    Thank you Melanie. As of now I have no one in my life that does this… and still every day I heal a little more… IF ever any one tries again I believe I can walk away, at the very least I will learn something from it… That is the attitude I hold now for ever aspect of my life… Thank you for helping save my life.

    • margaretwterry@gmail.com'
      Margaret Terry
      July 7, 2017

      I couldn’t agree more. Melanie, do you ever come to the United States? I really want to help spread your message. There are so many people suffering from narcissistic abuse. I want to help. I’ve been there. Been to many therapists and although they were supportive your blog is THE ONLY thing I have found that has helped me. You get IT. I want to help others. I studied abroad at Bond Uni and would be willing to move back to spread your word. You are a light at the end of a very dark tunnel for so many. We kind of look alike and I know given the chance we could really make a difference. Praying and hoping you give this a chance. I promise it will serve your cause well. Lots of love and prayers for all of those suffering. I pray for your strength and call all of your angels to keep you safe from harms way. Love and prayers for growth, Margaret XOXO

      You can reach me at: 314.458.3399. Please, I know you won’t regret it. I will come see you if need me. I’m serious about helping others and honestly and forever grateful for finding you online. You are and continue to be my beacon of light and hope.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 7, 2017

        Hi Margaret,

        I am so pleased this episode resonated with you.

        Yes I have been to the US and will some more. I am so pleased my material is helping you.

        Maybe we will meet one day Margaret on this journey, and please know if you have something specific in mind you can email support@melanietoniaevans.com to put forth your ideas.

        Bless and much love.

        Mel xo

      • lina126y@hotmail.com'
        Strongwind
        July 11, 2017

        I want to help other women who are abused or have been abused. I’m in US too. Let me know where you are and if I can be of help

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 7, 2017

      Hi Hilmarose,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      That is so wonderful you are free from this!

      I adore your attitude – because that is what Thriving is all about.

      (It is all a gift and growth opportunity!)

      Bless you Dear Lady

      Mel xo

  • ifat.glassman@gmail.com'
    Ifat Glassman
    July 7, 2017

    I don’t think I ever met a narcissist, but I can still gain a lot from all your videos. I came to the conclusion, or idea, that we all exist on a spectrum with varying degrees of false self and trauma consciousness to organic wellbeing. Seems to me that a narcissist is just the end of the spectrum of co-dependency… A narcissist is actually the ultimate co-dependent because they always and completely put other people responsible for their emotional survival. What do you think, Melanie? Do you think this is true?
    So then, in regard to this video about gaslighting, it made me think… While people would not typically lie on a massive scale such as this, people will also not be entirely truthful to the degree that things threaten their ego. An example of a slight distortion of the truth is to play down a friend’s achievement. Even if no lie is said, something as small as commenting only on the shortcomings in that achievements is a form of distortion, if in their mind that friend thinks something like: “That is a nice achievement and maybe even better than what I have or will ever have in my life”. It is certainly not bad enough to be called “gaslighting”, but it is also typically something someone will not own up to.

    I think that with a narcissist personality disorder, the trauma probably exists at a deeper level than for a normal person with traumas, and so maybe the difference is not quantitative but qualitative. But also, there seem to be degrees. Some people cling to their egos much more strongly than others. I would love to know your opinion on this. &Thanks for all this amazing knowledge.

  • indreb@hotmail.co.uk'
    Inore
    July 7, 2017

    At the moment I am going through that difficult journey myself and I’m struggling to keep strong and positive. I’m also struggling to find the right support or advice even to prepare myself to fight in stopping direct contacts between my daughter and her narcissist father. I’m feeling hopeless in how to overcome his manipulation and proof his lies. As there is such a big manipulation towards my daughter, smear campaign, saying how uncaring mother I am and that is something wrong with me, leading me to actually doubt myself. How to erase him from our life when there is a child involved? I feel like I could never manage to escape..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Inore,

      my heart goes out to you. Please know there are many people in this Community who have been able to – even in the originally terrible circumstances – relieve the trauma for themselves and their children whilst coparenting. If you google my name + children you will see I have created quite a few resources on this topic, which I am very passionate about.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
    amanda bordenave
    July 7, 2017

    Still laughing about the unicorn!! – My question, the N and I are off to a retreat, Catholics here), to “save our marriage”- I am clear that ” Im done ” but I also know- that if I cancel going the N will only use this against me ( especially with the kids, If I go – I now he will play catholic guilt , gaslighting – the gloves will be taken off- and the fear of being destroyed verbally , in front of a priest- Im in a better place now but this is Huge for me . I feel like Im damned if I do and damned if I dont —- To go or not to go- after being mentally screwballed for years – its difficult to get clarity on this issue…. any advice is welcome. Good luck everyone.

    • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
      amanda bordenave
      July 7, 2017

      Just did module 3- so much better- still resistance – back to the treanches…
      Does any one have advice on shifts to make regarding ( therapy with the N and Priests- catholic girl) thanks a bunch !

      • Byrondana@bigpond.com'
        Dana
        July 8, 2017

        Start making an escape plan. Go on the retreat then get suddenly sick ?
        Do the modules and believe you can transform and that your spirit will be Fred without him abc happiness will eventually come to you as you get closer to your God again . When I was with the N of now thinking about the N, God is far away ! Thanks for helping me realise this as I write.

        • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
          amanda bordenave
          July 8, 2017

          Dana, I thank you for your insight. I am planning and when I agreed to go on this retreat, some of my decision was based on exiting discretely as possible but alot was based in FEAR- This is a big one for me as well as being punished… It is diifficult to reconcile. I know that I have alot more work to do ….. I totally understand what your saying in regards to getting closer to God and not being able to do so while the N’s hooks, ropes ,chains and the like are keeping one attached to them. I have never been so far away from God as when I was ( thankfully no longer) totally enmeshed with the N . I think the reason why I LOVE this program , is it has pushed me to be truly Honest with my own faults, my own fears- to see that the N husband 23 yrs) was a “gift” from God ( still working on this one ) God sent the N to me to bring me closer to Him (God)- I have alot of good things and qualities to share and the N is so very OPPRESSIVE – , it is impossible to do so, it is truly soul sucking, and this is certainly NOT what God wants… my Soul is ready to be liberated! Anyhow, I thankyou for your comments- it is a journey isn’t it? Hoping you have a great day! thanks again

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 9, 2017

        Hi Amanda,

        all you need to do is target the dense energy about this with Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module – your goal can be “the Resolution of This”.

        I hope this help 🙂

        Mel xo

        • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
          amanda bordenave
          July 9, 2017

          Mel , Love ya , will do .

    • N.grist@hotmail.com'
      Malina
      July 7, 2017

      I had similar from a narc but around a family group camp we had been looking forward to all year. His behaviours were so awful beforehand ( we had officially split couple of times ) I could see no way of going as I was so emotionally distraught. He said I had promised to help with his 4 (!) Kids and I couldn’t say no, even if I camped elsewhere (and then might have to watch him drunk and possibly snogging someone else) He said if I was upset we could deal with it but only every other evening as he wanted to enjoy himself too and he wasn’t going to not drink on those evenings in order to be more present for me cos it was his holiday . Last straw. The idea that I could go but would have to control myself entirely until certain times to be allowed my emotions, waiting for a discussion with him and with a stick on smile the rest of the time… My soul just curdled and revolted!

      …and yes, when I said I could not go , I said ‘i know you will use this with your kids against me’ and that’s exactly what he did… He used it with his kids to show ‘I wasn’t dependable and wasn’t there for them’. …

      The point is WHATEVER you do or don’t do, it will be used or manipulated against you. Please listen to YOUR gut instinct and do not abuse yourself again by doing something that you do not want to do. The children will understand in time, believe me. If you are sure, deep in your heart, that you cannot be with this person and your gut says don’t go then don’t. … It’s time to stop playing games with your self. For your sake. Under it there is a part of you that really loves you , and wants you back ! It will happen. promise.

      If you know he is a narc, the quicker, the cleaner you get out of this, the better for you and for the kids to start a path of healing and being emotionally healthy and happy. It’s the only way. However nasty it is for a few months. Gotta be done , for the sake of those you love, and that includes you.

      • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
        amanda bordenave
        July 8, 2017

        Malina, thankyou for your TRUTHFUL comments. ” Whatever I do or don’t do , it would be used or manipulated against you.” You are right . Deep down , I know this to be true. Maybe , it is my need to do ” damage control”, controlling hurt and even preparing for it- this has been my life for many years. I will have to shift alot this one . I think that I have a hard time accepting this – even after abuse, similiar to yours, that another person can be such a manipulative , self- centered, malicious ASS. . I never questioned the N ‘s intentions—-I believed him. ( Definately no longer!!!!)
        ” Got to be done, for the sake of those you love, and that includes you” ——- This one is BIG !!!!! Putting EVERYTHING and EVERYONE before me — has got to stop!!! I have been so disconnected to my self ( the little me wanted nothing to do with me at first) You are soooo right ! Gonna work alot on this one too. Malina, I thank you for sharing with me your Strength and Courage to speak up . One day ….. Have a great day and thanks !

      • ejnme@hotmail.com'
        Emily
        July 14, 2017

        Going through this now, again. with 4 children ages 19-2yrs. This is so incredibly hard. i don’t know if i will make this other than i must. Torn so many ways and I worry about the children so, so much and their torn little heart and souls.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 14, 2017

          Hi Emily,

          have you come into my Webinar, and learnt how to release the trauma? I had a feeling you were an Emily I knew within NARP – by I’m not sure now.

          I promise you sweetheart there is a way out of this – and I would love you to experience it directly – and or get help from the NARP Community.You don’t need to do this alone!

          If you haven’t come into my free workshop – here it is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar – and you can nominate a time Emily that works for you with the kids, or listen to the recording.

          It will help you so much.

          Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Amanda,

      haha glad you enjoyed that!

      I believe the bottom line is there is always going to be fallout with an N, thus the most important thing is to shift ourselves out of the fear, be as authentically true to ourselves regardless, and show up in our truth moving up and out and forward.

      That’s when we get free and it all falls into place. Walking on broken glass and trying to play it safe usually keeps us stuck in the stuff we are trying to get free from.

      Best of luck Amanda and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Gudrun@shootoutcrew.co.za'
    Gudrun
    July 7, 2017

    Thank you, as always, Melanie, for your insight and wisdom. I “relapsed” and made contact with the narcissist after the passing of my dog and recreated and revisited all the trauma and unhealthy dynamics by meeting with him once a week for a month. I was pulled back into doubting myself, feeling intense shame and guilt and wondering how much of my own behaviour was to blame for the toxic relationship. Thank goodness, he pulled the plug two weeks ago (accusing me of gaslighting…..!) and I put that phone down for the last time. I was able to sleep better than I had for a month and I believe I am finally beginning on my journey to wholeness. This episode could not have come at a better time for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Gudrun,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I’m so glad this was timely for you. Stay strong and healing those parts that can be susceptible and you will just become more and more free, happy and impervious to it all.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • bhramirez702@gmail.com'
    Bea
    July 7, 2017

    Wow! This pretty much sums up my childhood. I grew up with an extremely jealous, narcissistic sister who bullied and threatened me throughout my entire childhood. She relentlessly put me down, embarrassed me in front of others, and tried to destroy my friendships As a teen, she also went after my boyfriends. Whenever she was with adults, she would act like this charming, friendly, charismatic person. All of my adult relatives (except for one aunt) thought the world of her. Any time I tried to get help/support from my parents, they would talk about how charming she was and either completely ignore me or dismiss my claims as childhood nonsense. As a teen and adult, I have spent quite a bit of time trying to get my parents, other family members and friends to understand the torment I went through as a child, to absolutely no avail. Thanks to NARP I have realized that the only validation I need for this childhood abuse and trauma is me. I no longer seek others to confirm what I know happened. With Quantum Healing, I face my trauma, release it, and feel 100 times better afterward. It is taking me a long time to get through this, but I am determined. I heal a little bit more each day. Thank you Melanie for teaching me that it is okay, even healthy, to shine light on the darkest experiences of one’s life. At first the thought of confronting my past sort of frightened me. I no longer feel that way. It may be uncomfortable, but I am no longer afraid. The results are definitely worth the effort.

    • rushl@ymail.com'
      SophiC
      July 8, 2017

      Good for you. Happy that you are healing from the pain. There is something very special about you that cause your sister to envy you. Continue to live your life to the fullest. Fellowship with people that are supportive and non-judgmental, who wants to see you flourish and grow. I can attest to this because I too have a sister who was quite critical of me, as early as my teen years and its was pure jealousy.
      Always be you, Love YoU and share your love with folks that will honor and respect Beautiful You… Best!

      • bhramirerez702@gmail.com'
        Bea
        July 8, 2017

        Yes, I have seen people do awful things in the sorry state of jealousy. Thank for your input and for your kind words of support.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Bea,

      I love that you are working with NARP to heal the deep childhood traumas.

      That’s so fabulous you are so dedicated towards loving and healing you.

      It’s my absolute pleasure Bea, and I am so happy for you!

      Mel xo

  • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    July 7, 2017

    Thank you so much for this video Melanie. I’ve been doing the NARP for some months now and I’ve witnessed incredible internal shifts that have generated completely different outer experiences. I had a client who became inappropriate and I terminated my relationship with her. She is a very rich and powerful person here in Chicago and was paying me lots of money to help her manage her pain with clinical massage therapy. She started abusing my generosity and I put my values first over any need to be perceived as a good, spiritual person by her or my need to make money. As a matter of fact I didn’t care how she perceived me or what it financially cost and this was truly liberating! Sometimes, rich and powerful people (who are narcissists) can get really crazy when they can no longer feed off of you. But I stood strong with my values and after several weeks of about 30 harassing phone calls she gave up, because I felt no need to speak to her beyond the letter I mailed her explaining that she no longer had any standing appointments with me. She tried gaslighting me in her voice mails, but it simply didn’t work. I didn’t care about the money, I only cared about my peace and through NARP I’ve gotten more comfortable accepting that what I have to offer is good enough. The weird and hilarious thing that happened after the dust settle was that suddenly men were flirting and asking me out on dates and since March this has been going on every day! I’m also a Reiki practitioner and I can’t tell you how tickled I was to see how my own shift in energy was powerfully effecting most of the men I come into contact with. I spent a lot of time last year believing that if I could just loose 20 pounds perhaps I would be more desirable, when in fact I needed to loose the need for anyone to GET ME other than myself. (I’m laughing right now.) It sure is nice that divine spirit is reminding me, via your video, that I’m on the right track and to keep going. Again, thanks a bunch!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Asha,

      that is so wonderful NARP is shifting you inner and outer worlds so much!

      I love you feedback – thank you – and your heart and your journey.

      Just beautiful 🙂 and thank you so much for sharing!

      Mel xo

  • dvanr333@gmail.com'
    Dennis
    July 7, 2017

    I thought that nobody can help me to heal .Seeking for answers i have found you Melanie (-; and youre examples helps me a lot….After watching all youre videos i can say you have a fan ….lol. I realized that i must heal myself and bought the narp silver program. i am still stuck in the first lesson because after 1 hour i was exhousted. i think it helps. After a toxic relationship i realized that i was looking in the mirror of my own shortcomings…that was the only good thing from it..Altough my partner dumpt me two times in 2 months after a 3 year relationship i stil miss her. And i am trying to figure out how i can help her. I should be helping myself…wich i am trying. This relationship was a story like i found evrywhere on the internet, almost evry aspect fits the desrception of a narc. Also the hurt..and if i had only had known this earlyer i could have done damage contro instead of diving in so deep as i did. So i am healing the broken pecies now of myself and wanted to thank you very much for your kindnes and support. By the way are you single ? lol ….Greetings from Holland..keep up the good work melanie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Dennis,

      I am so pleased that you believe you can heal now.

      NARP will help immeasurably Dennis, it is a matter of keeping going and shifting out the traumas and pulls towards her one at a time.

      Then you will break free.

      Haha no I am not single Dennis, greetings to you too … and thank you I will keep it going 🙂

      Mel xo

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    July 7, 2017

    thanks mel immaculate timing

  • mary.krause@gmail.com'
    Mary LaBarre Krause
    July 7, 2017

    Melanie, I can’t begin to tell you how much you have helped me! I spent 38 years with my narcissist. He was a covert Mr. nice guy kind of narcissist. No one else had a clue the level of abuse I suffered with him. I read so many books, went to counseling to fix myself so I would be good enough for him. I tried talking, not talking, I would question him about his abusive behavior only to be gaslighted. In 38 years of marriage, he has never ever sincerely apologized to me for any thing he has ever done to hurt me deeply. And when he didn’t want to be too obvious about the abuse, he would get his mother to do his dirty work for him. She treated me like I was some kind of substandard human being. There were no resources out there for me at the time. Little by little it eroded away everything about me that I felt was special. After all this time, and severe health issues, even close to death, I finally found you online. I was so broken I could not leave him, even though he had cheated on me several times and was again cheating. In spite of everything and my willingness to forgive him and try to make our marriage work, the straw that broke the camel’s back was an incident when he turned my daughter against me. This truly broke my heart. It was at this time that I found one of your quantum healing sessions online. I don’t believe it was an accident. I went through the exercise with you and truly felt some kind of shift, even though I had no words to describe it. It was after this that I began making plans to leave him. It took me several months to get things lined up, but I found an apartment and moved all of my stuff out of the house, and it was almost comical to me that he was totally unaware that I was leaving him! The very day I signed my one year lease, his father died that night. I did not have the heart to tell him I was leaving, so I put it off for about a month while I continued with my plans in other aspects. The night I left him, I opened his bedroom door (yes- he made me sleep in a separate room), and told him that I had my own place and that I was leaving him. All he said was, “I’m not surprised.” He acted like the victim. Big surprise there. It has been nearly a year away from him, and I am slowly recovering. I would like to speed up the process. I don’t feel like I could ever be in another relationship. It sounds too horrible to consider. But I do want to have a happy life free of abuse. I will never let another person treat me that way. Ever. Thank you so much for what you do to help people like me. You have literally saved my life!
    Mary

    • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
      amanda bordenave
      July 8, 2017

      Mary, I truly understand everything you have said. Similiar mind field . To chase , run after, bend over backwards to be loved…….all the traumas , the insincere apologies- or none, plus all the projecting the N was doing. I congratulate you for LEAVING . How Courageous! I wish you Heaps and heaps of love and goodness in your life . Best wishes in the journey of healing . Have a wonderful day Special Lady !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Mary,

      I am so pleased I could help.

      Big kudos for you to have the courage to leave and heal.

      Wishing you the most incredible healing journey. Wishing to speed up your healing – have you considered becoming a NARP Member? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      It is truly your time to shine and live your True Life Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

  • Cath.lloyd@btinternet.com'
    Katie
    July 7, 2017

    Thank you so much for this. It reduced me to tears as it was 95% my experience. My N has offered again and again over two decades to come with me to the doctor, psychiatrist or even hospital to explain to them my mental issues and get help for me. Once when I was utterly disempowered I thanked him for caring and inadvertently called his bluff by saying ‘let’s go now’. I didn’t understand at the time why he backed off so felt even worse in my hour of need! Now I know what he is I can see his gas lighting manipulations so I can genuinely call his bluff and make him work for his deceptions. The first lightbulb moment when I realised what he was doing reduced me to tears and then relief as I realised I wasn’t mentally unstable. I’ve been a workaholic all my adult life trying to prove I’m not that terrible person he thinks I am. I’ve worked through illnesses to show I’m not weak, I’ve gone many extra miles to show I’m not the utterly selfish person he says I am. It’s resulted in total burn out and a recent heart op, but I am learning everything I can to cope with the next step.

    He called into question every single aspect of my life with his manipulation and I am still reaping what he sowed with far less friends as he’s turned them against me (“they’re so sick of you and your upsets” – which he used to cause minutes before we met them and then turn it back to being my fault – “they’ve no intention of mixing with us as they can’t stand you”, “I have to see them alone as they don’t want to invite you – the nutter – to the event/their dinner party”). It turns out some of “our” friends know of his unfaithfulness but I’m still supposed to be in the dark about it. My family relationships are also in tatters as I believed his outright lies, my career off at a tangent as I took his advice on how to lessen my uselessness so no one could find out. Etc, etc.

    Yep, mental torture at its worst. I have a long way to go, but I now know what he is doing so I can double back on his lies and cover myself or step out of the way. I’ve paid for the NARP courses but not had the courage to start them. This video will do it I think. Time to get me sorted out!

    Thanks Mel for this video. Very powerful.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Katie,

      you are very welcome and I am so pleased this resonated with you.

      You have been through extreme trauma – my heart goes out to you.

      I totally hold the space for you to heal Dear Lady … it is your time, and please come into the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to reach our for love and support whilst you work with NARP. You have your tribe there 24/7 who will wrap their wings around to help, whilst you grow your own.

      Sending many blessings.

      Mel xo

  • fionajr@xtra.co.nz'
    Fi
    July 7, 2017

    Thanks Mel, I have watched all you videos for 2 years now.
    I had experiences in my childhood and adulthood with 2 older NPD sisters. They would regularly go behind my back, back stab, put me down and emotionally and psychologically abuse me. I have been no contact for 2 years now and get healthier the longer I stay away. The worst part was gas lighting and the smear campaign. The twists on the truth were terrible but I realise that it is only that I was enmeshed with them that they could have so much effect on me. I am learning to live in my own truth. To know the difference between what is true and not true. The truth sets you free from those that lie. I had been the youngest of the family and due to my position had been conditioned all my life to believe their beliefs. It is a difficult journey to recovery but worth it.

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    Julia
    July 7, 2017

    Right on!
    One never knows for sure if the N is telling the truth or not. Right after we got married my N came home and said he had gotten fired because he had taken a week off to get married. At the time I believed him. He had always painted his boss as some evil sort of fellow. Many years down the road (long after the divorce) I got the truth that I had always suspected – he walked in and quit his job – he wasn’t fired. He basically just wanted a meal ticket. He was unable to find suitable employment for months supposedly. When he finally realized that I was going to pack up and go if he didn’t start to work – miraculously a great job came his way! I have since seen him repeat this cycle with several women. He wines and dines them, then once he has their confidence the “real” Lewis comes out!

  • joy@pitmanbrighton.com'
    Joy Renshaw
    July 7, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    May say I listen to every one of your videos and this one for me personally is the most amazing one so far! You are amazing and the way you explain how self partnering is the only way is to me the best message. I am struggling with a stupid guy right now who continues to play games with me however its getting to the stage where he is playing it alone, the more I self partner. It’s so true that the best thing tht will ever come out of spending time with these types of damaging people is that they are a messenger of your weaknesses. I am learning all the time and through your videos I have learnt quicker.

    Thank you Melanie – you should be on our national heath service in the UK!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Joy,

      I am so pleased you enjoyed this one!

      That is so wonderful you are turning inwards to love and heal you!

      Thank you for your lovely comments Joy.

      Mel xo

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    July 7, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    this topic is very big for me. When I module, painful emotion about “untruths” are very common for me. When I left the narc and started my journey, I didn’t even know I had values and I couldn’t validate my feelings and truth. It was horrendous. But it wasn’t his fault, I’ve always been like this and I finally woke up in the aftermath. Now I finally feel myself and my truth, and I walk away when it is not respected, although I still have some problem with speaking it clearly…And here comes the next step of the journey. No wonder I shut down my truth. Now that I try to live it, I constantly feel like I live on another planet than the rest of the people in my life, and thanks to the progress I’ve done I can tell myself I’m just different, instead of living in a perpetual state of cognitive dissonance thinking I’m crazy. But I struggle in seeing “the unhealthy” or the disfunction being considered the norm, to the point where trying to assert the healthy becomes deviant, weird or “untrue”. It feels like there is no or little common ground, or common reality, between me and others. This is not someone consciously and maliciously trying to gaslight me, but the result in the end is very similar as a feeling that the reality is twisted. Definitely as you say in the video, this can be traced back to childhood, I think I was gaslighted constantly, not on purpose, in the sense that my parents tend to deny the evidence about themselves and also to invalidate my reality constantly to relieve their anxiety, to a point where I don’t share anything with them anymore (but then I get asked why I don’t. Ugh! Double bind). Silly example, every time I’m sick my mother insists I’m not and I’m “just tired”. I feel a bit stuck at this stage: if I speak my truth it will be strongly questioned, but living other people’s truth is not an option anymore for me. And I’m never sure when it’s worthy to have the difficult conversations or when it’s a waste of time, cause they “can’t get it”.
    I would appreciate your insightful thoughts on how to uplevel to a next stage of just being my most true authentic self and not having to “justify” or “explain” it anymore and also, how to attract people on the same page in my life, which I strongly need as I seem out of sync with most of the people I know.
    Lots of love xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      that is wonderful that you have made so much progress in “your truth”.

      It can be very painful the traumas that prevent us speaking it – but so worth facing and shifting and then showing up and speaking our truth.

      I totally get the “different” part … for me – it was huge. Truly I understand everything you are feeling and articulating in your post here.

      L J I can’t recommend enough “shift that”… EXACTLY that. The feelings that you have so clearly named. Target them and shift them (with either Module 1 or Goal Setting Module)- that is what I did, and now the experience with everyone is much more about Oneness, no matter where people are at. And people hear the truth now so much easier in my experience.

      Dear Lady, always, always NARP shifts are that simple – target EXACTLY what the trauma and feelings are.

      That is all you have to do, and then everything regarding that will reset to the highest version that co-generates success with everything and everyone.

      It sounds too say – but it is the truth. What happens is our mind picks it up, gets into analysis paralysis and complicates it.

      That isn’t necessary anymore, all we need to do is to get the trauma energy up and out and replace it with Source.

      Period …

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
        Lady Jedi
        July 10, 2017

        Thank you Mel, I love your advice as usual. Also, it means a lot knowing even you had to face this sort of things and did overcome. It is very inspiring and encouraging! Love and hugs x

  • bbherndz@outlook.com'
    Barisa
    July 7, 2017

    Thanks Melanie… the timing of this video is absolutely perfect! During my module work yesterday “clinging” came up, not only from childhood but “ancient beliefs” too. I am working on myself to heal up and move on from a “lifetime” marriage. It’s been quite a journey. My souls path brought me to NARP and I am forever grateful. ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Barisa,

      I am so pleased this was timely for you, and that you are now healing with NARP.

      You are very welcome, and I wish you many blessings:)

      Mel xo

  • Karenejam@yahoo.com'
    Karen Monahan
    July 8, 2017

    Melanie,

    Your work and offerings have sped up my healing journey. I completely dissolved any relationship with the narc in the middle of January after it became clear with out a doubt he had been cheating on me. I never went back regardless of the hovering and attempts on his part. It was the worse pain after the evidence was clear what he had been doing. I didn’t know about NPD and I didn’t realize I had been dealing with complex PTSD for well over a year before I left. I knew something wasn’t right with me but couldn’t put my finger on it. The last year and a half of our relationship became crazy. His behavior and personality slowly shifted from the person I thought I knew. I was so confused and his gaslighting techniques had me doubting my intuition.
    H is a US Congressman and uses his power to manipulate and gain supply. He even threatened me if I came out with the story. Because he is a progressive, social justice leader, people think he is so sincere, honest and could never imagine the cruel, abusive, crazy things he has done. I have never met a person who lies soooo much, can walk in public and act like nothing has ever happened and seem so sincere. It’s totally sick.

    I have broke the trauma bonds with him, he does nothing for me and his actions and words impact in no way, positive or negative. I remember when this first happened I never thought I could get to this place or ever be the same. The first time I did one of your modules, I felt a shift. I was skeptical when I first bought them but I was in so much pain I was willing to try anything. Each time I would feel that pain, I would do another NARP session and would have another shift. I also did spirituality work daily. I would meditate, read and listen to Elkhart Tolle, Neal Donald Walsh, Marianne Williamson and others. This coupled with your work sped up the process.
    I feel whole and complete. I have never felt so free in my life. Old wounds I have carried since childhood have been released and a whole new works I never knew existed has emerged from the ashes.

    Thank you for sharing your story and gifts to the world!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Karen,

      I am so pleased I have been able to help you.

      That is wonderful that you have broken the trauma bonds with him, and I love that you have dedicated to you to shift your trauma and do the work.

      How gorgeous that you have broken free from the old programs and wounds.

      That is what True Recovery really is.

      Bless you and thank you for your lovely share.

      You are so welcome lovely lady 🙂

      Mel xo

  • thankinggod123@outlook.com'
    Mottlova
    July 8, 2017

    Melanie — Thank you for this video and all the others as well. You are teaching me so much about myself. One area I still struggle in is speaking up for what I want. I am so conditioned that no one will care and my desires will only be seen as manipulative or aggressive. My ex is very N and he continues to talk about me to my teenagers. My daughter said just today, “Mom it is so hard to know what is truth when there are so many perspectives.” She is 16. My oldest is getting married in August and she doesn’t have a relationship with me. I really do not want to go to a wedding where I will not be valued. I also know that my ex is feeding my girls a bunch of garbage that is not true. My family has also believed his lies. I know it is not my daughters fault that she does not feel she should have a relationship with me. Should I attend the wedding? What would be some good words to tell her what I need? Any thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Mottlova,

      you are most welcome 🙂

      Mottlova my belief is that we can release and heal any trauma that is holding us back. The fear of speaking up is a really common one, and I promise you that when addressed on an inner level you will be free to be you – which is so necessary to generate an authentic life and authentic relationships.

      The same applies for releasing the trauma about your daughters and ex and family. When cleaned up, I promise you, we organically know what to say. In stark contrast, when we are still carrying the traumas, no matter what we “try” to say – the results we receive match our still existing inner traumas. (Does that make sense?)

      Have you come into one of my free workshops to learn how to work with Quanta Freedom Healing to free yourself from any limitations? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Tonyabubeck67@yahoo.com'
    Tonya
    July 8, 2017

    I suffered the gaslighting way of my narc ex husband for years. I never knew what it was. Until recently. Our divorce was final in may and he still continues to try. I bite once in a while I’m sure out of habit. This was very helpful. So thank you. He now has his narc sights on a new women. One of which I confided in about my abuse from him. She recently divorced from an abusive ex. And now jumped into my ex. I don’t feel sorry for her at all. She went through it and was armed with my story and still took his bait. I now feel as though she is a narc as much as he his. Because she says she can save him and that he is hurting and is intruding in my sons time withnhis dad even though I have asked to respect their limited time together. She calls constantly while my son is there. And has gone over there and they lock themselves in the bedroom. I’m sick to stomach for my child tonstill have to endure this. Now with 2 people.

  • angela.dailey@att.net'
    Angela - Soon to be Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse
    July 8, 2017

    Great video Melanie. I am currently in a relationship with my N fiancé – together 8 years in November. I am working hard to break free of him and his abuse. I have been in therapy for 7 years trying to break free and release the trauma of severe abuse and neglect I was subjected to as a child. What you said in the video about wanting to “fix” others really resonated with me. My parents were broken. My father had so many affairs and was constantly out of work for months and sometimes for a year at a time so we lived in extreme poverty many of my younger years. My mother never had the courage to leave him or go out and support herself or my older brother and I and she was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me (my brother was spared of any abuse). When I was old enough to work at 16 all of my money would go toward saving my parents from one thing or another – foreclosure, repossession, paying utilities etc. I took care of them and fixed their problems for over 30 years until finally I was able to break free and say “enough.” Then, I began seeing my fiancé and what I’ve realized after being verbally and emotionally abused by him over the last 8 years is that I began dating my mother (metaphorically speaking). 3 1/2 months ago I began to shut down (knowing I had to release myself emotionally from him) and began treating him as if he were insignificant and there was a dramatic shift in our engagement with one another. Quite a role reversal where he was on his best behavior except for when the N rage set in with him a time or two – most recently four days ago about a candy bar – yes, a candy bar sent him into a narcissistic rage where he has slept in a different room for the last four days, refuses to speak to me and looks at me as if I am disgusting. I know what he is doing and I am continuing to be strong so he doesn’t know this hurts me to the core. I am refusing to engage in this game with him. Honestly, it is the hardest thing to do when he goes into a rage because he triggers huge abandonment, abuse and neglectful childhood wounds I have. I will be strong and overcome this until I can get away from him once and for all. I can’t wait for the day that happens and I know it will happen soon because I am getting stronger and more able to leave him every single day! Thanks again for your videos.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi Angela,

      it is my greatest wish for you that you will be a soon to be Thriver – mere survival is not good enough for any of us.

      Angel, so many of us before QFH were having and doing therapy for years – often decades and we had never broken free of our childhood wounds. Rather all we were doing was regurgitating and cementing our state, and trying to manage these traumas whilst they were still driving our life from within our Inner Identity.

      When we started doing the Quantum Body work and releasing and shifting these traumas out for good – then our recovery become startlingly real and rapid. The healing work that could take a lifetime – or never happen at all – can take place in a fraction of the time.

      Please Angela come into my free webinar – http://www.melanietoniaevas.com/freewebinar where you will experience this viscerally and unmistakably for yourself.

      Enough is enough .. it’s time to really heal.

      Mel xo

  • Pckr98@hotmail.com'
    P
    July 8, 2017

    Ironic also the timing of this video. My mom just died a week ago. My N has been supportive although finally resorted back to “your doing it again”…..,All because I question his suspicious behaviour during this time for me. Seems that his “telling the truth” trumps the action?!…..so the behaviour is ok because He is telling me the truth?…. I am struggling with the biggest loss of my life….please tell me if I am wrong here as I am confused with things given the circumstances. I am tired of apologizing for reacting to what I feel is a constant lie and deflection. Thank you Melanie for all you do. I just can’t believe the timing of this video. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I opened this email today for a reason. It must be my mom making sure I am keeping on track. 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 9, 2017

      Hi P,

      my deepest condolences regarding your Mum.

      The truth is P when N’s are concerned we can’t make sense out of insanity. What is important is we heal that part of ourselves that keeps clinging onto trying to.

      It is my deepest wish for you (and all of us) that we come inside, heal that part and no longer try to make crazy sane.

      That is when we get free and start having an incredible life.

      Sending healing and love to you and your family at this time.

      Mel xo

  • mzr8184@kc.surewest.net'
    Judy
    July 8, 2017

    You have a valuable “tool” within you, i.e., WOMAN’S INTUITION… the little voice within us. Please listen to it. This supports “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.”

  • nosilladiva@gmail.com'
    Allison
    July 8, 2017

    this is my first time posting on here, although i’ve been an avid listener and reader for just over a year. i want to thank you for all that you offer, your perspective has resonated with me and has helped me in many ways.

    my ex narc use to be my husband, 9 years ago, we broke up for 5 years, then got back together for the past 2 years. the entire time, he has had a female ‘friend’ who he has a songwriting relationship with, who he would never introduce me to, and who he has (what I feel) is an over the top intimate relationship with. he texts non stop with her, lied repeatedly about going to see or have meals with her, has photos with her from shows they’ve played plastered all over facebook, while he simultaneously has me blocked, etc……. i made all sorts of excuses for it, and any time i tried to broach the subject, i was always made to feel like the crazy one, told nothing was happening, made to question my reality, was raged at, humiliated for having feelings… it was and still is crazy making, and it did a lot to drag my self worth thru the mud.

    bottom line – he is the ultimate gas lighter. so much incongruence. this isn’t the only thing he deflects and lies about, he did it all the time.

    now, after we’ve been broken up again for about 6 weeks, i still am trying to find an answer. i’m convinced they will end up together, and still feel like i am waiting for the smoking gun, some photo to hit on facebook, some comment from a friend, some phone call from someone we both know, and i’m struggling with allowing so much of my energy to be wasted on this. although i see it intellectually, it’s so difficult to shake. i admit, deep down, i am terrified that they will end up together, and it breaks my heart to think about, but, i’d really, really rather just know one way or another.

    one thing it would be good to understand is the grief process with someone like this. with so many unanswered questions, it’s hard to know exactly what it is i am grieving, and hard to know if something else won’t be exposed down the road that i have to grieve all over again for. it’s really confusing. i feel like i am a fairly intelligent, attractive, and successful woman, and it’s embarrassing to be so stuck.

    • hugenoh@gmail.com'
      MotherofHugo
      September 18, 2017

      Thank heavens for this blog and the invaluable resources!!

      Allison, your particular experience re the ‘infidelity’ aspect struck a chord with me. All the rest of the twisted narc behaviour is there too, but It reminded me of a trip to NY nine years ago. We were meant to be meeting his sister and her husband. Were were at a bar one night, just the two of us when he turned to me and remarked how beautiful he thought some woman was; then promptly invited her and her friends to join us. He proceeded to buy them drinks for the rest of the night. Like most ‘normal’ humans, it knocked the wind out of me but id grown accustomed to such cold, irreverent behaviour.I’d also ‘schooled’ myself in that intricate art of ‘shutting the heck up to keep the peace’. But later, that ever-present truth we all have within us surfaced and i asked him how he could possibly have been so cruel. Cue standard narc response – he had no idea what i was talking about, why couldnt i just have fun like other people, why did i always have to ruin everything, etc, etc. Abandoned me for two days – when i finally stopped crying, changed my flight and flew back to London.

      He was livid, accused me of not caring about meeting his family – they agreed and proceeded to enjoy a week going around NY.

      This is also the man who travelled a lot for work – prior to one of his departures some years ago, i handed him a box of condoms and said to him that if he were to sleep with other women, could he please use condoms. He took the box, said ok and kissed me goodbye!!! The sickest part of this is the fact that i’d ‘taught’ myself to detach my feelings from his stuff with other women – id actually accepted it as part of our twisted marriage to the extent that i considered it to be a positive trait in me that i could be sufficiently openminded to accept a polyamorous set up in a marriage that was entered into under the assumption of monogmy.

      Married 14 years and only a week ago, something switched on in me. He’d physically harmed me again. The following day, i calmly asked him if he realised my body was covered in bruises – narc response? Did i realise HIS body was the same (outright lie). I calmly told him to get used to it as i would do whatever i needed to do to defend myself during these attacks. He said nothing. And something in me FINALLY realised I’d been enabling this behaviour. What a relief. As is often the case in life and its mysteries, i stumbled upon this blog the very next day!!!

      Since the last beating, i strangely feel no ‘pain’ about ANY of the atrocities that he has made a normal part of my life. The sheer liberation of being able to see this man and genuinely not care. Best of all, i finally realised that the validation i sought all these years – it was meant to come from m.

  • catherineannelovely@yahoo.com.au'
    Catherine
    July 9, 2017

    Thank you for all the information and wisdom you share. I have learned so much from you and am doing well on my healing journey. I did not even know the word narcissist until 2005. I married one and thought I was going insane. When I came across the word, I was doing a search about abuse on google. Learning about narcissism saved my life. It took A LOT of work to break free and I am still not totally free, however so much better than I was. Our mother was also extremely narcissistic and stepfather and 3 sisters. I can now fully understand why I had so many issues and felt like dying. Love to you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 10, 2017

      Hi Catherine,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased you are on the road to recovery.

      Bless you.

      Mel xo

  • biker_jo@hotmail.co.uk'
    Jo
    July 11, 2017

    I read your articles on N behaviour but cant decide if my partner is one so stop reading then something brings me back.
    I have kicked him out several times as its my place, but then i am made to pay. I have a habit of doing quiet when i am annoyed and dont speak on this occasion i didnt say much for two weeks.
    Then it all blows up and its about him, how i made him feel, but then comes the nastiness and the name calling that i am not supposed to mention becuase apparently they are just words. I am not allowed to be upsed at his behaviour towards me for the past two weeks, because as he put it if i hadnt done what i done then he wouldnt have had any reason to treat me the way he has. So therefore its my own fault. I have tried to apologise for hurting him, but i get told that i am not sincere enough, or i didnt say it when i should have. He will come home and sit there , and wait for me to say something, him saying nothing. Then as soon as i say something i am in the firing line of his anger. The last couple of times we have talked i have stuck to beliefs , that he has hurt me althought i played my part in it. I even told him he was a bully, which just got mocked. It turns my head to mush to the point i end up angry and he mocks me for that too, and says “look at yourself”. Am i going mad … i am sorry if i have posted this in the wrong place. but i am at my witts end.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2017

      Hi Jo,

      the painful and such tormenting thing is – when we try to get another to validate and understand us so that we can feel better, and they don’t – then we are handing away our power to them.

      It goes like this “Unless you grant me what I need to feel better – I can’t”.

      This is the dance that we can all dear Dear Lady with narcissists when we are not as yet a solid source of love, approval, survival ad security to ourselves.

      This is a horrible hamster wheel which simply feeds an N the drama and attention of narcissistic supply, and empties us out all the way to becoming shells.

      The true answer is letting go, no longer holding someone else responsible for our wellbeing and healing the parts of ourselves, which are doing this. These are our original wounds that have not a yet grown up to become whole and solid.

      I promise you when we do this, the pain and these terrible relationship patterns end.

      Have you connected to my 16 Day free Course and two eBooks Jo to start learning about this? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      I promise you it will help and start showing you the way home.

      Mel xo

      • biker_jo@hotmail.co.uk'
        Jo
        July 13, 2017

        Hi,

        I have to say a massive thank you. After reading your reply to my post i signed up to the 16 day course, downloaded teh two articles. And then i spent quite a few hours just reading them and reading a lot of other information on your website. The tears flowed for a while and i was worried this would leave me feeling even worse than i already was. But low and behold what i was reading sounded so much like what i was putting up with and behaviour and treatment that i didnt want. We are currently still living together but nothing else , no speaking really. So today i found myself in a much better place. Realising that i dont have to put up with this from anyone. Today has been the best day i have had in such a long time. So many things made me smile. I know i have a lot to work on, i was abused as a child by my father and i have never addressed that, thats where my fear comes from, i run i hide when its difficult instead of standing up for what i believe or what i will or wont accept in my life. So although its early days, and i have a lot of inner healing to do. I feel i am on the right path to becoming the happy smiley person i used to be and so much more. If there is anything specific you can advise with dealing with the childhood trauma i would be so very grateful. Massive (((hugs))) and thanks go out to you. Jo xxx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 13, 2017

          Hi Jo,

          I am so happy for you that you have connected to my resources and that they are helping you, and you are already feeling the truth of Who You Can be in all of this!

          Jo the answer to healing your childhood trauma is the NARP Program. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

          Big hugs to you too.

          Mel xo

  • philippa.hawgood@gmail.com'
    Pip
    July 11, 2017

    Hello! Thank you for yet another inspiring article. I left the narc over seven years ago but he has managed to drag the legal things out as far as now – hopefully only another few months to go! I did an affidavit to explain his antics since the divorce judgment came in 2014 and the third and (hopefully) last appeal (and not to be outdone… he filed a cross-appeal!) hearing will be held by September. He was given a chance to respond to my affidavit and the utter lies had me feeling sick, unhinged and emotional all over again. It took 24 hours of digesting and crying to gather paperwork and apply logic to explain how and why he is lying! He does not answer allegations directly but tries to justify his disgusting behaviour with lies – how great and good he is and how bad and terrible I am. On points that he cannot deny, he is “apologises” but still makes up an untruthful excuse. I have an amazing advocate who has learned to understand these high conflict personalities and I am sure he will elaborate on the “gaslighting” at the next hearing.
    Thank you again 🙂

  • Kelleho.k3@yahoo.com'
    Kay
    August 17, 2017

    I am the poster child for this topic. I am stuck and feel paralyzed. I am alone, family and friends gone. 25 years together, 4 children, now lost and alone. I cant even begin to write the abuse we have suffered. He left 2 years ago with everything, and on the way out, he ruined my reputation and family ties. I have no way to fight back. He is a police officer, and has threatened and blackmailed me into submission. I am so afraid to make the slightest move because of retaliation. Now he is doing the same to my teenage children. He has labeled me a drug addict and crazy and has me believing it, along with everyone else. Instead of fighting back when i had the chance, i let him manipulate me into attending rehab after a major surgery and a long stay in the hospital to taper off the pain meds they were giving me. He told the children they needed to initiate the intervention with the help of his friend from work. It was very believable, even to me, until i started to feel better and question. He admitted needing the evidence to get everything, and that he did. I have given up. While i was there, oh, why bother, i am a broken record, a cop against a junkie. The only way out is death, and i am too chicken to do it. My poor children, they dont deserve this. Even writing this down, i sound ridiculous to me, and i lived it. You are my last hope. I have tried to manage on my own, hopefully if he kept all our money and assets, my jewelry, kids savings bonds, he would just leave me alone, but no, he has taken everything, comes and goes as he pleases, spreads horrible lies, threatens to use his influence to have me committed, and i do believe he will try, or ruin my career in the process. He has ruined me in all aspects of my life. I am in such debt, i dont know how i will ever get out. I will myself out of bed everyday to cry. I feel i am crazy now. As soon as anyone hears cop, i am the bad guy. I know the look from people now, expect it. I almost wish for the controlling, smothering, grilling me old days, than this tyrant who controls us now.I pray for death. I cant afford food for my children let alone help with my life and when begging for help, i get the response that if i didnt disobey him, none of this would have happened.” I did this to my children. ” All his delusions over the years, he believes, i tried reasoning for years till i questioned my own sanity. I trust no one. I used to have so many friends, I liked people and was very social, he hated that. If i spoke to men, i was having an affair. Slowly friends were pushed away by me, out of embarrassment over the way he would act and worried what he would say to them, if he were trying to get to me. He would leave me places, lock me out, withhold money, demand sex. My parents , who did so much for him, he ridicules them. My mother, who i have taken care of with dementia, he would mock to her face, in front of my children, my children who would beg for any little scrap of attention from him. He was more of a no show for holidays, graduations, big games. Under the guise of working. He saved every penny of his. I paid for all household and kids expenses, or they went without. I was given an allowance, that wouldnt even cover gas. Second hand furniture, junker cars, and he went out and furnished brand new, head to toe, bought everything on our savings, for a one bedroom so he couldnt have the kids over. Hes booked a month long vacation to asia, as my kids sweat in a house with no air. He tells them he deserves it. If i acted properly, they would have it too. How do you respond? He tells them its my fault he doesnt live with us. I didnt follow his rules. I spent all my money. I can go on and on. I cannot afford your material, yet have read over and over all that is free. I think my window of opportunity has passed. I was had, and cant claw my way back, i am so tired. I feel no one believes me anyway. Why would they? I sound crazy. My children, innocents, have lost friends , family and their joy. One is defiant, one has physical ailments, due to anxiety and my oldest tries to play dad. The other i do not see. He hates his father and said i should have stood up to him years ago. He is above reproach and says it. A cop and a junkie, he tells me to do us all a favor and dont drag my life out. I qualify for no legal or social aide. No legal separation. I dont have the money for an attorney to stop him and to be honest, no ine wants to go against a cop, especially when they hear alleged drug abuse. All the years of grilling me instead of conversation, has given him plenty of ammo to twist and use against me. When i listen to him scream, repeatedly, over me, the same lies, he sounds so convincing, if i werent there, i would believe him myself. I truly believe i am losing my sanity. I dont sleep, i wake up in cold sweat. I cry everyday. I dont leave my house. People used to say i was attractive, funny, kind. He hated that. Has anyone you have encountered, dealt with law enforcement and lies? Please, you are my last stop. Sorry to ramble. Therapy has confirmed narcissism. Yet every week is torture, i feel like i am reliving my nightmare. I have only shared a glimpse. Some of the abuse can not be in print. Please, i read your stories and it is my life. Please, i am hopeless, and scared to death. Thank you for any help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Kay,

      my heart goes out to you.

      Really all can say to you is this – that I know in my own life and others that the most hopeless of circumstances started shifting when we could release our trauma and start filling with wellbeing where the trauma once was inside us.
      And that was regardless of the atrocities in our life that were happening.

      That is what my free webinar is all … about showing you that path: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I also know Kay in my N-abuse journey that experience of how no one believes, no one supported. I was alone. I was the crazy one. I totally understand how you feel. That was until my beliefs and trauma changed on the inside and then my life started changing on the outside. Things, people and support fell into place.

      That is really all I can suggest for you – as it is the only think I know that worked for me and many others.

      Please also know we offer sponsorship to help people in the Community in financial difficulty and you can email support@melanietoniaevans.com to apply for this.

      Sending you love strength and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • beckness@comcast.net'
    becky brindle
    September 20, 2017

    The narcissist in my life, today, chooses to leave for our airport with only 1 hr 55 minutes until the flight leaves. It was more important to track down a 15.00 sale online for a plant to send to someone. It takes at least an hour to get to the airport. We get there at the outside dropoff with 15 minutes to spare. Was telling him that he was going to miss his flight the entire time in the car while on the freeway. Of course he wants me to drive reckless, speed, you name it to try and get there on time. I don’t. Ive been with this person 13 years. I call him while stuck in traffic on the way home and he says he has to pay 250. and cant leave until tomorrow. Then he hangs up on me. I ask him to say sorry for hanging up on me, why did he hang up on me. No response………He hasnt said sorry. I said ok, if you need something while you are gone for 2 weeks to the east coast, Im on the west coast, I will hang up when you call. He replied f u. Im imagining he will tell his family he missed his flight due to me. We have separated and he has moved out, but he lives next door.

  • Impa_71@yahoo.com'
    Kay
    October 8, 2017

    Thank you for putting into words what my husband is and has been doing. I never had the words before. I’m now going through therapy for PTSD. But once I finish that what do I do about him?

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