Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Trust Again After The Person You Loved Didn’t Love You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 3
58
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Our most painful traumas are the ones that hurt our heart.

Again and again people agonise, as I did too, with the hardest thing to get over – the realisation that this person did not love you.

How can we hope to love again after knowing that the love we were invested in was a lie?

How can we even consider opening up and taking the risk with our mind, souls and hearts again?

Many people don’t … they concede it is too risky and too painful and feel that they simply couldn’t survive that level of emotional devastation again.

But is that a lesser choice?

Does it mean that we doomed to loneliness, fear, contraction and the missing out on what our lives could really be, and the love that we are all born to share?

I believe it is.

And … if we contract and shut down and close ourselves off, are we missing out on what we can do – to not only heal from our trauma, but also completely change the “love trajectory” we have been on that has been so painful and disappointing?

Yes.

Are there ways to heal for real, that will not only change how we love and who we love, but also the way we love being alive?

Absolutely.

There are ways to heal the pain in your heart and open up to love in more expansive, confident and healthy ways then you’ve ever known previously.

This is I know for sure, because I have seen it personally in my own life and countless others on their recovery journey.

If you have made some serious progress in your recovery journey, and are having doubts about whether you could open your heart again … or if the thought of trusting another human being is horrifying, then this episode of Thriver TV is for you.

Please know opening my heart to life, myself and love again has been a BIG one in my life!

When I realised, and took on, that “safely loving others” was a person I could heal toward and become – in incredible, concrete and real ways – my True Life began.

I mean it when I say … this is the most rewarding, wonderful and pleasurable journey that I could ever beckon you to join me on!

I’d love to receive any questions you may have on this important topic, and I look forward to connecting with you about it.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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58 Thoughts on How To Trust Again After The Person You Loved Didn’t Love You
  • Kgoodfl@gmail.com'
    Kim
    July 12, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    After being in an abusive relationship for 20 years when my husband would not allow me any friends or activities I began enjoying time out with my friends and Line Dancing. My new boyfriend is telling me that he believes that if I go out with my girlfriends on a Friday night once or twice a month or I go line dancing and get lessons at a bar on a Wednesday night that I’m abusing him. I believe that friends and a social life and hobbies are important and I do not want to give them up. Most of my friends are divorced with children and the only time they have off to hang out with her girlfriends is at night on the weekends and we enjoy going out and having a drink and people watching and chatting about our kids or work or whatever. I also enjoy country line dancing for a couple of hours once or twice a week and this is also at a bar. He objects to me going to bars because he thinks that men will approach me. I think that is his own insecurity because men could approach me or women could approach him at the gym at a grocery store at work or wherever. I believe that just because Country line dancing occurs at a bar does not mean that I should not be able to do it just because I’m in a relationship. I have told him that I will not give up my hobby and I’m sorry that he doesn’t like it but it’s something that I enjoy and I will not give it up and I will not stop seeing my friends. I have encouraged him to enjoy his hobby of riding motorcycles and to try to find friends that do the same. Am I wrong?

    • Rebecca.richards@gmail.com'
      Rebecca
      July 12, 2017

      Trust your self and what you know to be true not what he is telling you is true.

    • Skruse@tutanota.com'
      Susan
      July 12, 2017

      Good for you Kim, what he is asking is not healthy, you have set your boundary and he needs to respect that, walk away or you do. Simple.

    • valpal@rogers.com'
      Valerie Palmer
      July 13, 2017

      Seems to me that you have once again picked up with a Narc! It also means you still have work to do on your childhood wounds. Good luck!

    • hannamand@gmail.com'
      Dave
      July 13, 2017

      By his logic you shouldn’t go ANYWHERE then. After all, men might approach you at the grocery store or work.

      I won’t go so far as to say that your relationship is abusive (I’ll leave that up to the professionals) but I do know that one indicator of an abusive relationship is for the abuser to alienate you from people that would give you advice. I missed that warning sign, and spent 20 years with a narcissistic abuser.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Kim,

      totally we are all entitled to have our own individual lives.

      That is what healthy adult relationships are all about. Don’t allow his values and beliefs to be your own.

      It may be time to ascertain whether or not his values are the same as yours and healthy enough to be in relationship with him.

      Mel xo

      • Michelle.greenwood22@gmail.com'
        Michelle
        July 14, 2017

        Melanie,

        I have been following you for a year since I separated and divorced my second husband who was largely a narc. I know now with your help and my own common sense (which seemed to leave me entirely while I was married to this individual) that I was a narcs best dream. I made myself so available and I fell in love so deeply that it took a year of absolute no contact with him to fully understand, he wasn’t the man I thought he was…that he pretended to be. I think my mom put it as “brain washed” my best analogy is he was a skilled puppet master and every time he pulled on my strings I danced for him exactly as he wanted me to. I am not bitter, nor angry… any longer. I have done a few very short lived relationships after this experience but I find I can’t allow anyone to have control of my life. BREAK THROUGH! I have always been attracted to the type of man that is strong minded, successful at a career, attentive and I hate to admit it but controlling. I am FINALLY able to see I do not want someone else to make decisions for me, nor do I believe another person knows better than I do what is best for my life. I am finally ready to be alone. All by myself. I am finally ready to stop avoiding the realizations and stop running from the lurking unknown and how it makes me feel unwhole and ready to embrace me in my past painful experiences and heal them once and for all. I want to just take a moment to express to you the magnitude of your messages which are really lessons and teachings. You have changed my life for the better and I am so grateful for the work you do. It is truly uncanny the way certain messages of yours have come across at JUST the right times of my journey. I feel and believe with every fiber of my being that you are a true authentic person that has gone through this journey (probably without anyone such as yourself, to help you as you do for so many). I thank you… from the very depths of my soul and the heights of my heart I thank you for doing this kind of work… it has made the difference of merely going through my life accepting and settling, to at this point, wondering why? Why settle? Things are pretty amazing in my life right now without a man. It is time for me. Thank you for giving me, me.❤️

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 16, 2017

          Hi Michelle,

          it is a joy to read your words Dear Lady!

          I am so so happy for you, and please know it’s my pleasure to connect with you in the incredible journey we are living as Thrivers!

          Mel xo

        • mlmccarthy63@aol.com'
          Melanie
          July 27, 2017

          I would just like to say that I am right behind you, everything you just said !! I cant wait to get out. Living so long with Narc’s. With the realazition of that now, I cant wait to get out and be free to discover myself, to really laugh again and to really smile at life. Just be me.

    • Danajaye29@gmail.com'
      Jaye
      July 14, 2017

      Invite him out with you. If it’s the place I am thinking of they have couples lessons for two stepping too. He may be intimidated. Have you taught him some basics? If you are excluding him from that aspect of your life then he will be suspicious and insecure. He doesn’t need to be there all the time, but if you truly care about him leave the door open for him to dance with you. Dancing together is a good excercise in couple non verbal communication.

  • paulinepettersen02@gmail.com'
    Pauline
    July 12, 2017

    Melanie
    Wow your timing is impeccable
    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Pauline,

      I am so pleased it was timely for you 🙂

      You are very welcome.

      Mel xo

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    July 12, 2017

    hi yes to scared to look at new love for sure …still need more and more moduels to do…. would love to love and share ….te narc is getting angry cause ignoring him is stressful for him, so now we have hot shot lawyers to drag me over the coals …petrified one day …let go the next …i can’t live in fear thanks mel ….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Sue,

      you are very welcome.

      Clear the fear Dear Lady and all that you wish for – including real healthy love will come.

      Mel xo

  • r.frangiosa@hotmail.com'
    Possum
    July 12, 2017

    Hi Mel

    I have remained single for 2 years in self imposed exile, in order to focus on myself and my girls, not to mention harrowing legal matters and most importantly, healing, and learning to take care of myself properly for the first time ever – in a real sense.

    I no longer feel the need to rescue men, or be rescued; or the dire need to have a partner for self-validation. Before, I had gone from one N relationship to another, and have not been able to realise the cause of this pattern, let alone break it. You don’t know what you don’t know. Until you came along! 💕

    I recently had several spiritual manifestations that were truly remarkable. Since then I feel enlightened and calmer, and can see people and the world through a different lens. I am truly going through an edification process which I have never experienced before. Today I was offered a great career prospect, I have recently provided a forever home to a puppy who came to me by no coincidence, and I find nice, authentic people are starting to show up in my life with no hidden agendas.

    Strangely, I have also found myself surrounded by women who are being N abused. They keep appearing in my life…. is this because the N phenomenon is so prevalent, or that I am attracting this?

    I know I am still a work in progress, but with hope, determination and self partnering, I will not give up for myself or my girls. Thank you for giving me the key.
    🌺

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Possum,

      I love that you have anchored into your healing and becoming a self generative force for you and your girls.

      This is the necessary healing hiatus – like the bird who goes into the bird hospital to mend broken wings and then leaves and is able to soar!

      How lovely your outer world is reflecting back you Inner healing Being.

      Maybe Possum you are a light these souls are being drawn to – because you can refer them on to real healing?

      Keep going lovely lady you are on the right path – for sure 🙂

      And maybe “expansion out into the world” may be one of your next steps – as well as the clearing of any trauma that arises with that ..

      Mel xo

  • Andrearaasch@aol.com'
    Florida Rae
    July 12, 2017

    “I’m willing to lose it all to get it all.” 👏🏻👍🏻💙💜 Inspirational! My new mantra.

    I am working toward the goal of being whole enough so that I can be totally comfortable walking away if something feels off in future relationships. My pattern has always been to go to a place of self-doubt and/or panic that prolongs the breaking away.

    I’m a NARPer, and your e-book on aligning emotions and logic was eye opening for me, too. Every time I have a charge or obssessive rant, I remember that it’s an invitation to go inward and connect with my little me. Amazing how it calms me right back down every time, connects me with ME, and is re-wiring my habitual responses that keep me stuck in behaviors that don’t work and are damaging to my spirit.

    You ROCK Mel!

    BTW, I have a cat too. She always curls up in a ball beside me when I module.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Florida,

      I am glad that resonates with you – it is probably my most empowering favourite thing to say to myself too!

      I am so with you – that was my Biggie too!

      How gorgeous that you are turning inwards and self-partnering.

      Thank you sweetheart, and blessing to you and your puss cat! They just LOVE the healing stuff!

      Mel xo

  • Godsintimatelove@aol.com'
    Elise
    July 12, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I don’t know why I’m bothering to post this. It’s no real use for my situation. I actually tried to get support by going on your forum before. But I felt so stressed out and uncomfortable with it that I freaked out, cancelled my posts and left because the narcissistic family that I live with has managed to somehow infiltrate my every online experience and possibly my phone calls too. I’m not as sure about the phone calls though. I get definite and specific, explosive emotional reactions to tests I’ve put out there online, not to phone call testings I’ve done though. I’ve had them putting mean pins in my Pinterest feed. I’ve noticed them manipulating my Bible app and YouTube feed, so I just closed all those down.

    Along with that, I closed my Facebook account that a sweet, young relative of my narcissistic step-family from years ago, (that I had gone no contact with years before no contact was a thing), started reaching out to me on. I think she was, at least in part, being used to get contact and get information about how I’m doing. I decided I didn’t feel like continuing to connect with her, no matter how sweet she was because of her connection to them.

    But besides the proofs I’ve had, (that of course no one else believes), that these people are watching my every online communication, (including this one), and also are able to add things to my various accounts,

    I’ve also had credit card fraud twice, the second time was BOTH of my debit cards at the same time. (Have you ever noticed that the digits your keying up when you’re inputting your passwords usually show what the individual digits are before they turn into a dot? I think that’s how they are getting my passwords, even after I’ve changed them.)

    Also, an email address that was not mine was added to my PayPal account as the primary one, along with a phone number that was not mine. Luckily, PayPal sent me an email stating that a change had occurred on my account and I happened to be checking my email, caught it and called them before any damage was done.

    The last attempt at something was a recent e-mail to my well-known third Bank account that was suspicious because it came from a strange email address when I opened it and it stated that my account was now “pending,” whatever that means, because of some suspicious behavior or something. So I called that bank from a phone number I had in my contacts already and they confirmed that my account was working fine and that the email was most likely fraud. They had me forward it to their fraud department.

    I think I might have had one incident, if any, of this type of attempting to commit fraud on any of my accounts – ever – before I lived here.

    To make it worse, I haven’t been able to deal with getting out because of an inherited issue with severe fatigue that has me bedridden except for dragging myself to work and doing laundry and buying precooked food because I don’t have the energy to cook.

    I know it’s not depression because I’ve had that and know the difference. Several things I’ve found in all the things I’ve bought to try to feel better have at least worked well enough so I can occasionally make headway on my plan to set myself up to get out. But that won’t stop them from infiltrating my online stuff.

    That’s why I didn’t feel comfortable getting support on your forum. I was bringing my narcissistic family I live with, (they’re not my own family), along with me into a narcissist abuse recovery forum. How comfortable do you think I felt (feel) about doing that?! I can’t get away from them, even to get help or support.

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      Zip
      July 13, 2017

      Wow! I have had similar experiences to yours. I routinely change my passwords to social media and bank accounts, never use the same computer as anyone else (I have a personal one) and never leave it where they (the N’s in my life) can find it. I suffered from low energy for years but when I was able to distance myself from the N’s in my life – my energy levels improved greatly. Good luck.

      • Godsintimatelove@aol.com'
        Elise
        July 13, 2017

        Thanks. They seem to be able to do it on their own computer, not using mine. Through the wireless somehow. And I know one of them who is definitely a narcissist, a totally obvious overt one. But I think in testing her online when I suspected something was going on and writing to a friend about suspecting another of them, I stirred up the wrath of at least one other person in the family before I realized what was going on. Now I’m just trying to get out.

        It’s good you were able to get out. I definitely feel like I draw those types in all around me and am ready to shut down and never talk to another soul ever again, I’m so sick of them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Elise,

      I am so sorry you are feeling like this – and so alone.

      I can feel your pain and know that you are sharing what has been going on for you.

      However, as I am sure you understand, if you don’t connect with us … sadly there is very little we can do, and of course we can’t assist in your situation with what is going on in your home – that is outside this Community’s capabilities.

      The role of this Community is to help people heal their Inner Being and empower and change their life.

      Have you tried to talk to any case workers or local support about how you are feeling Elise?

      Mel xo

      • Godsintimatelove@aol.com'
        Elise
        July 13, 2017

        So you don’t mind if I go into your forum dragging a family with at least a narcissist or two with me, listening to everything I and everyone else in the forum says? I have a hard time picturing anyone feeling comfortable being vulnerable and doing their inner emotional work with their narcissist(s) listening to their every word while they’re doing it. Especially when they know there will be backlash from it and anything they say that can be used as ammo against them, will be. I would like to join in the forum, but I’m not sure that would be an effective way to work.

        I don’t get the feeling anyone will believe me anyway, if I tried to get any support, locally or otherwise. I end up always just looking like the crazy one in the situation. It makes you just give up trying. That’s why I’ve just done my best to suck it up and hold it in, while trying to get at least well enough physically to be able to get out. Besides, what is anyone going to be able to do? I don’t just need a sounding board. I need what’s on the forum, but not with narcissists hawking over me every second. So it kind of feels hopeless.

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    July 13, 2017

    This is so timely…My relationship fast lasted 3 years. I thought that it was enough to shield me from the old wounds. I was wrong!
    Yes, I made HUGE progress (I never seem to acknowledge it enough!), but I’m kind of in a limbo. Before the narc, I used to date unavailable guys. Now I am repellent to narcissists but I am dealing with unavailability again (feels like watching my life in reverse lol!). I have feelings for this friend of mine who claims it’s very mutual, but doesn’t always act accordingly. I know what I have to do (boundaries ,etc.) but I go from moments when I feel in charge and confident to moments when I feel terrified to be betrayed, used, lied to again and it’s just as blinding as blind chemistry !! I honestly had NO IDEA I still had this fears, but there you go. I am being extremely hypervigilant and to be honest I must say it doesn’t help to see or do things clearly. It is very difficult to keep it balanced playing in defence by “thinking and assessing” or bullying yourself into awakeness and self respect. I do feel now how the “energy” shift is the only way out! So I am allowing myself to be emotional – I don’t feel like I can take my “I must be evolved” BS anymore. I’ve decided I’m just gonna suck at this and use the modules!!!!
    I feel this is all very connected to the topic of the difficult conversations (can’t wait to see that video btw!), which is my topic right now! I am trying so hard to have the difficult conversations!!! (with him and everyone else). But if I manage they always turn out awkward, or incomplete or messy,..not timely…I can even feel some tenderness for myself in all this stubborn effort to have them but being so clumsy at it…:) Like my truth wanted to come out but can’t find the way.. But it’s really this simple: if I told my truth, from a place of inner absolute acceptance, I just couldn’t be wrong with anything, because I would be at peace with myself and things would dance around me according to my truth. Instead, I hesitate and stutter, because deep down I don’t accept myself, my truth and I’m scared to come out and say it! This journey seems to take so long…That I can only “love the process of life” in the meantime.
    Thank you wonderful Mel. I do need someone in my life to give me good advice, please know you are that someone!! xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      this is great that you are understanding that this is a pattern … Ok so when .. as women we have men that are NOT showing up for us … what old traumas does this relate to.

      Did our father show up for us?

      Maybe we were trying to win love and approval from him, and he was unavalaible?

      Is this friend of your “coming in” for real… (if a man has decided he wants to be with a woman, I believe, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen). And really the fear of what may happen if he does … may be meaning that the you are unavailable too … (as so many of us discover about ourselves) and having attraction to unavailable and disordered people is “safer” because then we never have to risk truer In-to-me-see (intimacy) with another.

      Correct … Lady Jedi – truly stop trying to analyse this to death – and just go inside and shift out all the pain, fear and confusion with NARP Modules – then you will JUST be-come what you seek in love – organically – without the battle.

      I would suggest doing those shifts before trying to turn up having the “necessary conversation”. Sometimes we need to BE a particular consciousness FIRST to get those conversations right – ones that require that level of consciousness.

      If it feels too awkward and traumatic SHIFT first.

      “Less thinking, more shifting” … Darling LJ that meds to be your motto!

      Mel xo

  • Sapbsa1@gmail.com'
    Bria
    July 13, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    Truly helpful, timely and very much needed blog on trust . As always, i appreciated your helpful suggestions.

    Mel, how does one Remove the external need for “approval”? Can you help break down what approval is & why we need/seek it? At the core the need for approval? How can we self partner to give ourselves “self approval “?

    There are times that I don’t even realize that I’m seeking approval . I have my blinders on. Sometimes i sm Unconscious of the external approval need.

    This might be an easy topic for most but, for me this is the most difficult to understand and/or heal.

    Thanks
    Bria

  • hannamand@gmail.com'
    Dave
    July 13, 2017

    What does a “Relationship fast” look like? I telecommute, live out in a rural area, most of my friends from before my relationship have moved on to a different phase in their lives (school functions, spending time with their kids).

    For the next two years, making the most of the time that my kids are with me is my top priority, but when they aren’t here, I want to get out and socialize, and most of the social activities for people in their mid 40’s involves some sort of dating, or at least meeting someone with the intention of it leading to a relationship.

    I am acutely aware that I need time to heal and learn how to trust again, and what you said about “attracting the wrong type of people” really hit home (in the year since my divorce I’ve already experienced it). More specific advice is greatly appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Dave,

      It means not entering intimate sexual relationships with people, until we have done the healing work on ourselves.

      The next step Dave is about working on ourselves, and I recommend connecting to my free resources and taking your healing to a deeper, true level the you possibly have in the past.

      So that these patterns can be corrected, opening up a new way of being and a different attraction point with people in a relationship sense.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    June
    July 13, 2017

    That was interesting. Once I came to grips with the pathological fear of being alone that drove my dependence, then I began to realise how much I treasured my alone-ness. It seems the more authentic I become, the more I crave alone-ness. Am I unconscious of something? Or was my unconsciousness separating me not from relationship love, but from my love of being alone? Real life begins for me when I come home to my isolated farmhouse, my animals, my creative interests and the wonderful world wide web of knowledge and entertainment. I don’t believe I could live this way in a city, but in an outpost, one “belongs” and interacts regardless. I enjoy my work and daily interactions, but I look forward to being alone.
    I do wonder about this. People know that I have withdrawn. I feel sorrow at that, but (and I know it sounds judgemental) I feel resistant to being constantly drawn down, down into the narrow world of gossip and trivia that small-town folk inhabit when I’d so rather rise up into the world of ideas and creativity. It seems the more real and confident I become, the less I resonate with the place of my birth, that I love, and wouldn’t mind seeing out my days. How can that be? If there’s a belief, it is probably that time is short. That everybody wants I piece of me. But, I want a piece of me, too.
    I love men. I loved being in relationship. Even the narcissist ones were, if painful at the time, at least *interesting*. But, in a choice of living a social life or not – solitude keeps winning. It always has, really. It’s just that once it felt like my symbol of different-ness, rejection. Now, it feels like my symbol of freedom.
    Can we ever truly know if we are building an authentic life, or just a comfort zone? (I sound like Carrie Bradshaw.)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi June,

      these are all wonderful questions and ones that I deeply asked myself. (I love your reference to Carrie Bradshaw!)

      I understand too what it is to love my own company and spaces … profoundly. I can only share where all of this came to with me … I wanted it all! My deep anchoring into me, plus amazing connections with others as well.

      Personally (sorry I am sharing so much about me – but I really do feel it is relevant for you too!) on my healing journey I realised many of my relationships before N-abuse were superficial (but that what my normal – I didn’t realise it) and most definitely the relationship with myself was totally superficial too.

      Then when I healed, for the first time in my life I discovered and had a wonderful REAL relationship with myself that brought me so much joy for life and living.

      Then, as I was expanding myself more and more, I begrudgingly (I was having such a wonderful time alone) felt called to expand out into life too … and a “next step” was another cleared all my beliefs about “humans” that quite frankly annoyed me or turned me off! … And then I started having rich beautiful relationships with others as well, which filled my heart to busting!!

      Wow! I had never known that was possible.

      Now I enjoy a life with the balance of both … yet before I was usually connected with people on a really shallow level or living simply as a hermit.

      Additionally bringing my unique contribution to the planet to help others brings me the greatest joy. I believe we all have something to share that is our souls’s greatest song.

      Connection and “Oneness” is very necessary to live as that.

      I hope there is something in this for you. And of course whatever is right for your soul is right for you.

      Only you know the answer – truly – to that.

      Wishing you many blessings!

      Mel xo

      • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
        June
        July 14, 2017

        Thank you. That’s pretty big, actually.
        This topic of oneness has been a total block for me forever.
        I comprehend my own Oneness. I understand the Oneness of the universe – scientifically, intellectually. I’ve known Oneness with family members, at death, and deep connection with individuals, briefly, in passing.

        Anything more than that is a mystery. I don’t know it, don’t feel it, don’t get it. I don’t think I bonded much with humanity (mother) right from the outset.

        Are you telling me that ALL that separates me from deeper connection is a mere shift in perception, a shift in “all my beliefs about ‘humans’ that quite frankly annoyed me …”? That’s ALL?
        Because, I can do that!
        That would be a miracle.

        I’ve just never thought about it. I’m not unhappy. But I do think I could become unfulfilled if I don’t at least try to release my ‘soul’s greatest song’ upon the world.

        Thank you.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 14, 2017

          Hi June,

          it’s my pleasure 🙂

          When we shift out the trauma (I used QFH to do that … https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing-explained.htm – which is the NARP Program) that is stopping us “being” Who We Really Are – namely “that connection” then we feel it, know it and it just is.

          This is not something we can logically ascertain or get – we can only experience it .. meaning “be” it.

          Once we start working with deeper Quantum Tools (QFH being one powerful way) then we clear the blocks and we can be-come all that we are.

          That is what NARP Members in this Community – who do the work – are living.

          It is exciting!

          Mel xo

  • Godsintimatelove@aol.com'
    Elise
    July 13, 2017

    Just as I predicted earlier, the explosive reactions came and the not so “nice” reaction from another family member. What do they expect me to think of them when they’re intruding so personally over my boundaries and seem to think it’s okay?! And keep doing it even when they know I know??? And they are supposed to be Christian. I never saw helping someone and then completely intruding on their privacy like they have in any definition of being a Christian I ever saw. (And yes, they did help me. Unfortunately for me, I took the help. I never want help from anyone ever again, thank you!)

    And who else would you suspect of all your financial fraud cases except the people intruding so freely on all your online communications and areas you subscribe to, when it never happened like that before?! All I want at this point is to isolate myself completely from people, (especially Christians!), forever!

    I know that is not what I ideally want, but right now it’s all I can see, just to get a freakin’ break from them! I wish I could have healthy relationships instead.

  • Godsintimatelove@aol.com'
    Elise
    July 13, 2017

    Great. And now it seems, by reaching out for support and writing here, I have made myself an even bigger target for the abuse. Because I wasn’t a big enough target before, apparently. Like I said before, I can’t even reach out and get support.

  • rhiannag@rocketmail.com'
    RG
    July 13, 2017

    I have noticed that since I have been working through NARP, I no longer feel like a helpless child that clings to the person who hurts her. I have felt so much more free to amicably let go of a dating relationship that was no longer meeting my heart’s desire.

    I feel so grateful about this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi RG,

      that is wonderful. I am so happy for you!

      You are reaping the rewards of committing to you 🙂

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • ejnme@hotmail.com'
    Emily
    July 13, 2017

    Wow, love you Melanie. You are beautifully glowing, radiating love , light, & joy. Look how far you’ve come! and dragging others from whispering death into the love , light. and joy, enlightened with life and living after wishing never to wake unworthy and unloved. Thank you For all the awareness you have made possible and turning the dark into the light.

    You are a Storm of Love & Light Mel.
    Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 14, 2017

      Hi Emily,

      thank you lovely lady!

      Awww gorgeous lady, I LOVE That expression – it is one of the most beautiful I have ever heard,

      Mel xo

  • adrennam@hotmail.com'
    Michelle
    July 14, 2017

    My ex was a narc. We were together for 3 years. I’ve taken a year off for me. In the last 3 months I’ve decided to be open to meeting and getting to know someone again. I’ve learned so much about myself taking that time for me. Now as I talk to men I’m so much more clear about who I am and what I want. I trust my instincts. I don’t try to rationalize when something feels off. I simply acknowledge it and release it. Building a friendship is my goal before entering a relationship. I have no reason to rush or be rushed. I now enjoy time to myself. I barely feel lonely. I allow myself to feel what I need to and work through it instead of running away from it.

    After I moved out last year, I started a new job. My boss was great initially we worked together for 3 months before she moved on to a new department. I could sense she was selfish and seemed to be trying to improve her life. After she left I was on my own. It was good for me….then I get a call that she needed an assistant. 2 months later I interviewed and was hired. I was excited as I had only been with the organization for 6 months and was already promoted. Two days into working with her…something inside said…no this isn’t gonna work. My boss seemed different. Or maybe I was different. I’d divorced my husband a couple months prior. My energy had shifted. My relationship with my boss had shifted. I started paying attention and I began to see she had many signs of a narc. The universe said you must leave this position. At the same time it didn’t happen overnight. I went back to my old department to ask if I could possibly come back. It took six months but on Monday I go back. Its the same title but with more freedom and responsibility. I even got more money.

    She tried to throw all types of daggers when I told I her I’d be leaving. But I made a desicion not to fuel it. I completely understood that working with her had less to do with my career…it had more to do with my healing! Once I understood it nothing could change it. Releasing a narc mother and ex husband were the toughest thing I had to do…but it was the beginning of healing. I no longer feel controlled by that attachment. I can be who I am totally vs an extension of someone. I look forward to the day when I am in healthy relationship with a man. Until then I can continue to have that with myself.

  • ztgarda@gmail.com'
    Tanya
    July 17, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Both my parents had N traits, but my Narcopath older sister had the worst effect on me with the full combo of emotional/verbal/physical abuse and Stockholm syndrome. I am trained as a psychotherapist and have explored N abuse and the inner/child wounding that still affects me and my adult relationships now. I still have this horrifying visceral terror of her now, decades later. I’ve tried many therapies (including body-based ones such as Trauma Release Exercises and energy ones like EFT etc etc ), but still feel this deep visceral reaction to her, even though she does not ‘act out’ as obviously as she used to when we were children. I have hypothesised that the abuse must have started from when I was a baby for my reaction to be so instant and instinctive, even now when I am in my 40s. I have C-PTSD with co-morbid depression/anxiety.

    Despite the years of work I have done, I still feel helpless around shifting the annihilation terror I feel with her. Will the NARP help with that in a way that the other therapies haven’t quite managed to? I have read a lot about QFR on your website and quite a few of the articles/videos etc.

    I guess I’m just asking for some reassurance that the QFR can go to the deep enough places to shift that visceral fear, understanding that I have gone deeply and honestly to the depths of the pain and wounding before this, and this has often ended up re-traumatising me (and given me added PTSD symptoms) and brought up severe suicidality.

    Many thanks for the amazing work you do!

    Warm wishes and blessings.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2017

      Hi Tanya,

      I am sorry that you are still suffering despite all the effort you have expended.

      Yes, I believe in NARP that much.

      Myself and so many other people had tried literally “everything” including many that you have named, before Quanta Freedom Healing created the breakthrough.

      I know of nothing that works like this, or that goes as deep and multi-dimensionally- truly.

      You are so welcome Tanya. Blessing to you too 🙂

      Mel xo

      • ztgarda@gmail.com'
        Tanya
        July 17, 2017

        Thank you so much! For taking the time to reply to everyone and for being so caring and supportive!

        I’m going to sign up for the silver package and perhaps do the childhood one afterwards if I feel I still need to. I’m in South Africa with a silly exchange rate so that way I can do both if need be.

        I’m looking forward to feeling better…

        Deep thanks and a cosmic hug 🤗

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 18, 2017

          Hi Tanya,

          it is my pleasure!

          Bigs hugs back to you Tanya!

          Mel xo

          • ztgarda@gmail.com'
            Tanya
            July 18, 2017

            P.S: a quick extra question please:

            As I have explored your blog etc it seems that the NARP community provides a lot of added beneficial support. Have you found it adds to amplifying recovery to be part of the community?

            I was thinking of doing NARP and the Family of origin courses but I’m wondering if I should focus on the primary course including the community instead?

            Thanks!
            Tanya

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            July 19, 2017

            Hi Tanya,

            yes, the support system with NARP is powerful and effective. It aids recovery immeasurably.

            NARP first – absolutely, then you can branch into FOO as the add on if you wish.

            Mel xo

  • Alexjones1965@yahoo.com'
    Alex
    July 18, 2017

    I was dating him for 5 years. I am your cookie cutter story. He swooned in, swept me off my feet, did everything. Made breakfast in bed, gifts, travel…storybook. Treated me like I have never been treated. Then the unraveling started 6 months ago. Which I ignored, and tried to be even more patient, more understanding, more empathetic. I was confused and dazed at how he could be so cruel when he told me I was the love of his life. He was never married, his longest relationship was a year. I couldn’t understand…how and why is this happening?

    I hate confrontation, so he would use that when he was raging. I would shut down. No yelling, no arguing. Nothing. Then the devalue and discard. I met with his sister privately and she told me he was Narcissitic. I thought it just meant he was vain, and that alone. 7 weeks ago, he picked a fight, came straight out of nowhere and told me he didn’t care about my feelings. I told him I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t and I walked away. Then I researched Narcissistic abuse…And was amazed. It’s him….10 out of 10 boxes are checked.

    He let me go. Well, I thought he let me go. Until last week. His brother asked why he hasn’t seen me….he hasn’t told his family we were done. We were to exchange all the belongings this weekend and he didn’t return some valuable items of mine. I asked his to drop them off outside so I wouldn’t be there when he came. That worked, so I thought. But when I asked for the expensive things he didn’t return (in a text) he said to sue him. It was going to easy, too smoothly. Until now. I know by what I have read he is trying to pull me back in with this confrontation. Ball is in my court. I am shaken, stomach turning… He knows what he is doing to me. He has studied me and knows how to fully manipulate So I am doing nothing. I haven’t responded. But know I must. And yes, I still love that monster.

    I feel like I am on a cliff and depending which way I turn will be where I go. Right now I am scared and frozen…doing nothing right now I guess is better than contacting him.

  • kisskatalinzita@gmail.com'
    Mary
    July 18, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    Your videos and everything that you shared with us HELPED A LOT. It helped to find my “inner Being” and to let this person let go.

    I had the same experience like a lot of us here…i could not let him go i just wanted to see him, i was starving, i had eating disorders and i just ruined myself with cigarette and alcohol. When i was with him i knew thats not right but i also could not let this person go, because every time i heard from him that we should be together, you are my only love, i will stay with u forever, having kids and there is just a life for two of us etc.
    He just manipulated me and closed my eyes and i was fool that i made everything what he wanted. I met just with his friend i made only the things what he wanted, i spent a lot of money just to hear, I LOVE U…. I just GAVE HIM AND GIVE UP EVERYTHING for him …and what i get? Aggression,abasement,loneliness etc..

    Now I understand that he has a mentally problem (he told me that he has actually borderline and schizophrenia) he did not go to work for a year and he was drinking a whole time also with pills…

    One day i stood up and it was a month ago. I moved out from our home. I was broken, totally on the ground, i thought i could not be able to heal myself. I was just wanted an answer why i could not let him go although he hurting me again and again…i saw him last week and after 5 min i left him because something inside me told me “hey girl you do not deserve this, this is not the way how you have to speak with me/or with an other girl” and after of course i called him and he just told me maybe he has a new one…I was on the ground …today of course he said to me that there was not any girl (but he left me a voicemail and i heard everything). I have just realized that this person is just a liar and he told me the whole time what i wanted to hear to get the energy from me. I almost broke up the contact with my family !! That would be the worth thing!!!

    Your videos help me. I find out that i am not loving myself (although i have a great job,i have an university degree and i am looking good) He had nothing!!! He was just a good looking manipulator….Today i have decided that i am going to block him and erase from my life, because when i would continue with him i am would live HIS life and not MY and after years i will regret everything and thinking about WHY i have not made this decision several years before ( i had already a nightmare about it)…because i will not want to be alone because i am “not good enough” for him.

    There are millions of people on the earth and i am quite sure that i will also find my soulmate, but firstly i have to get out of my trauma. Maybe he helped me to find finally myself. Everything happens with a reason!!!

    Anyway i wanted to share my story, because i know that there is definitely another young woman (i am 28) who is sitting at home and feel this loneliness and “burn out”.

    There is always a solution, we just have to find a way, and everybody has to do what for his or her good!

    SO AGAIN THAT YOU SO MUCH MELANIE!!!!

    Take care, God bless you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2017

      Hi Mary,

      you are so welcome.

      It is very true there is a reason for his. It is about coming home to ourselves to heal those parts of us that were underdeveloped as children and not whole enough to be a generative source of our own love, approval, security and survival.

      Now truly Dear Lady you can focus on healing this and change your life beyond description.

      He was the catalyst bringing you to this place.

      Sending many blessings and healing

      Mel xo

  • kfitt@hotmail.com'
    Sarah
    July 19, 2017

    Hi Melanie.

    We all have so many stories that are different but similar. I was married to a narc for 14 years. During that time I noticed things that I wasn’t comfortable with but overlooked because I loved him probably more than myself. I noticed he was a flirt and it wouldn’t stop . i told him my feelings and it would get worse . I asked for counseling and turned down 4 times. So I fell into a situation with another man I shouldn’t have been in. We were friends and got close. Well the narc used that to his advantage and decided to try during our separation to make our marriage better by dating multiple women. I couldn’t accept that so we got divorced. I blamed myself for years and rightfully so to a point. I was angry with him for how he treated me and the point he got us to. After 3 years he asked me to try to get along and see where things go. I told him only if he went to therapy. Well he went . there it was identified that he is an avoidant dismissive. So I went to therapy …learned and saw how my children were around him and felt a complete defeat. I read and read and one day my daughter found information that opened up.my whole life… During our trying time women were my boundary w him …he agreed …well I found he was still going out and having sex w many women even married… It explained his agitated behavior his distance and his body motions. He said many horrible things about me and so many women …my friends …wives of his friends … I was in disbelief again …. Of course confronting lead to complete denial even though I would take At conversation word for word that he had with these women …I saw first hand his manipulation w them. He confessed to one of his affairs but not entirely he didn’t even tell the girl that he admitted it to me… So during all of this I learned through daughters therapist he’s a narc. Covert narc. Inside I’m so angry and w no answers … I’m angry w me that. Accepted things and gave my kids a dad they don’t deserve I’m more angry w him bcuz he used me took my 401 and lead me to believe I was horrible .. Is it possible or probable that he was with others either verbally or physically in our marriage?

    Today he wants to b friends and u try but its at my expense… I trust him w none of my friends and find myself again pulling from women that are my friends for fear of him sleeping w them. I don’t know how to protect my kids from these women he hangs out w weekly pawing at my kids bcuz it leads to his attention no matter how brief …

    I’m still in contact to protect my kids and so I can see why they care behaving certain ways so I can correct it and help them … It is 24/7. He leaves them at night to see them and to do what he wants ..i have no trust in majority of people … Men in relationships and women completely bcuz I’m nut sure who has not slept w him … In not perfect and I admit my mistakes but I can’t deserve this life …

    Saddened

  • sonia.samson@hotmail.com'
    Sonia ALIAS True Mellowin
    July 22, 2017

    Hello,

    Thank you sooo much for all your work.
    Please, I need to know, what are all the different illnesses caused by codependent and narcissistic treatment?
    How far can codependents threat others’ health? How far can narcissists threat others’ health?
    These illnesses have names. What are they?
    Thank you sooo much for your precious help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 22, 2017

      Hi Sonia,

      you are very welcome.

      The truth is Sonia we get sick in relation to our original wounds that others trigger for us. The important thing is not what our wounds are or even how they got there … What is important is that we are going to them to heal them.

      Mel xo

  • thewirestudio@hotmail.com'
    laura
    August 12, 2017

    Hi Melanie, this morning I said to myself ‘MY” Narc(by his name) and had no awareness of the identity I invested in the enmeshment by this qualification.
    Now I just read your announcement …the implications of using the word ‘MY’ so hey thank you for awakening me to this and I will always catch myself in time now and thank you for the fantastic clarity and wisdom and the subtlety you share , you are so the bees knees Melanie. This is so enlightening but it is so difficult to accept that people choose where they are at and to walk away when their inner child and soul is screaming at them to hear them like mine is. The separation is so painful because who likes to leave people to suffer alone and this separation is so confusing because we are here to commune and yet its finding where the detachment comes, not in the gross but in the subtle. How to drop the fear of living my life. Thanks for so bing there in the process , I love everything you say, really the ultimate 🙂 x

  • sarah.bakewell@orange.fr'
    Sarah bakewell
    September 24, 2017

    Hi Melanie
    I was in a two narc relationships and came out of the last one in May 2016. I did the NARP program last year and then started the Quantum Freedom course this year which I’ve only just got into module 2 . I felt wonderful in June . Totally happy being alone, my job is going well and I decided it was time to try a new relationship. I met a lovely guy in July and everything was great for 6 weeks . He became distant overnight and said he didn’t want to hurt me . He’s not a narcissist but his ex wife was. He’s been divorced for 4 years and still has problems accepting his past. We continued seeing each other for a month then split up as he said he didn’t have feelings for me .
    I can accept he isn’t the one for me but the problem is all my sadness and pain from my ex narc have come back. I feel as though a big hole has opened up in my stomach. Can you give me any advice and help I feel terrible. Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 24, 2017

      Hi Sarah,

      honey it is just that there are still some wounds to clean up – that this person has brought to your attention.

      All you need to do is go inwards and meet “what hurts” again.

      That is all it is sweetheart – time to go inwards and deeply heal and then you will be even closer toward your goal of “wonderful relationship”.

      Truly …

      Mel xo

      • sarah.bakewell@orange.fr'
        Sarah bakewell
        September 24, 2017

        Thanks Melanie … yes i believe i met him for a reason. I did module 7 from NARP and i had a couple of big shifts from past lives and my body literally jerked when I spiraled all the pain and trauma out.

        💜 Thank you for your work and support 💜

      • sarah.bakewell@orange.fr'
        Sarah bakewell
        September 24, 2017

        Thanks Melanie … yes i believe i met him for a reason. I did module 7 from NARP and i had a couple of big shifts from past lives and my body literally jerked when I spiraled all the pain and trauma out.

        💜 Thank you for your work and support

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