Melanie Tonia Evans

A Deeper Look At Triangulation

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 37
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

A lot of people have asked me to write an article on triangulation, because it is a very common tactic that narcissists use to inflict abuse.

Most of the people in this community have suffered triangulation, as I also have personally.

There is already a great deal on the internet about triangulation, and I know many of you have read this information, however I really wanted to feel into this and understand and convey the dynamics of triangulation on a deeper level.

What is Triangulation?

Triangulation is an indirect dynamic of communication and behaviours involving more than two people that are unhealthy and unwholesome.

The trademarks of triangulation are covert operation, deceit and abuse.

The simple definition of triangulation is: one individual attacking, discrediting (smearing) or/ and abusing another person with the use of third-party people or institutions.

There are three traditional parts of the ‘triangle’. These are

1) The Persecutor – top right of the triangle

2) The Rescuer – top left of the triangle, and

3) The Persecuted – bottom of the triangle

Many people, on surface level, believe there is only one person in the triangle acting out unconsciously and unwholesomely. Or at the most two, which of course ‘makes sense’ if we don’t believe we need to raise our own consciousness to change our life, and the only way we can be healthy and safe is to only hold other people responsible.

I don’t endorse this powerless model, and I believe if we choose to remain unconscious we have no ability to detach and heal from toxic situations and create, generate and participate in healthy relationship dynamics.

What I realised, when I previously felt deeply into triangulation, needing to heal the deception of it within my own life, was the ‘gaps’ within myself which had caused me to play out not just one, but two sides of the triangle myself.

I have been the receiver of persecution at the bottom of the triangle, and I have also been at the left hand top of the triangle believing and defending narcissists against other people they were discrediting.

If you are honest with yourself, you may also recognise a time you too bought into the narcissist’s lies and deceit, and believed him or her in regard to discrediting others.

The truth is, to heal and understand everything in our life, and to evolve past any painful lesson, we need to self-reflect.

We need to recognise the parts of ourselves that require up-levelling.

These are the disowned inner parts that lead us into unwholesome triangulation, and before healing these parts, how we may have contributed to fuelling the triangulation.

Let’s look at the three roles within triangulation.

 

The Persecutor

This role is something that high conflict personalities are drawn to adopting.

The irony is the persecutor completely believes him or herself to be the victim.

What we need to understand is this – the narcissist is severely emotionally stunted and underdeveloped. Regardless of however mentally high functioning a narcissist appears to be, he or she has the emotional intelligence of an angry, irrational young child.

Because the narcissist has such intense disowned inner parts of shame and self-loathing, not only does the narcissist behave abysmally (on a hair-line trigger) after perceiving any criticism (intended or not), he or she has to disown any accountability to these knee-jerk reactions.

The narcissist has tried to amputate him or herself away from his or her dark and painful inner shadows unsuccessfully. They still exist, and because the narcissist will not embrace them, take responsibility for them, or heal them they are super-imposed onto the person targeted by the narcissist.

Thus the narcissist, in his or her maladapted thinking, believes you are the pathological person acting out atrocious behaviour and that he or she is the victim.

The narcissistic (unconsciously) attacks and tries to destroy the parts of him or herself that he or she despises – the parts that have been projected on to you.

This is the irony of narcissistic abuse – the narcissist acts out and abuses you and then blames you for these acts and seeks to punish your further.

The narcissist is rabid in these times – and totally oblivious that the fuelling of his or her narcissistic rage is self-hatred. You just happen to be the container ‘holding’ these projected split-off parts.

The very definition of unconsciousness is the inability to self-reflect. This retards all ability to grow, heal and evolve – and this is narcissism personified.

A friend and I had a discussion recently about his estranged narcissistic wife. The discussion was how, even if responsibility is feigned by a narcissist, if you confront and attempt to discuss the narcissist’s childhood wounds (the absolute cause of atrocious behaviour), the narcissist’s defences come screaming up like a ten foot electrified razor wire fence.

Narcissists do not genuinely confront, claim, admit or take responsibility for these inner wounds.

Do the slightest prodding and you will discover how flimsy the ‘taking responsibility’ is.

Okay…back to triangulation…

The triangulation process begins when the narcissist acts narcissistically toward someone, the abused person reacts, and is then classified by the narcissist as ‘the enemy’.

According to the narcissist’s disordered psyche brutal offence is necessary in order to survival. The narcissist truly believes the threat needs to be eliminated, and he or she needs to get the upper hand and disable you before you attack.

Naturally people who model humanity as love, dedication and loyalty are devastated when they are ‘adored’ then ‘abhorred’ on a dime. The narcissist dehumanises in a way that is unmistakeable at these times.

The shock is ‘How can you treat me like this?’

The truth is this – the narcissist has regressed back to the stunted childhood wounds deeply embedded inside him or her. The times of feeling victimised, unacceptable, unlovable, powerless and violated.

Because these wounds are disowned they have taken on a life of their own and control the narcissist’s personality as a result of triggering severe panic, pain and rage (all responses to intense powerlessness).

The narcissist unconsciously tries to exorcise these demons by projecting them on to someone else and then destroying that person and the wounds along with them.

Of course this repeat cycle person after person after person never produces healing, results or freedom – no matter how many people the narcissist manages to ‘annihilate’.

Additionally, it doesn’t matter how much integrity you have. The narcissist believes and accuses you of things that you don’t have the capacity to think about let alone execute.

The narcissist is totally unconscious regarding your character, and is totally clueless to the fact that your reaction of criticism or anger was triggered as a result of being abused by the narcissist.

Instead, the narcissist only has the capacity to de-humanise and demonise you as the container of the narcissist’s shadows.

This narcissist is now a terrified child in an aggressive adult’s body doing anything to stop the imagined assaults he or she believes are inevitable from you, and that he or she feels (childishly) powerless to defend alone.

Hence the urgent and frenetic need to recruit allies.

The narcissist, inherently knowing that he or she is powerless (False Selves are anti-life they can’t generate their own authentic energy) needs to rally people or systems as reinforcements to hopefully completely discredit you, and cripple you before you can strike back.

Triangulation is a tactic he or she has generally mastered at a very early age. Virtually every narcissist does it, and it is one of the absolute trademarks of narcissism.

 

The Weapon of Deception

The deception required to recruit an organisation or another person to do his or her bidding comes easily. Narcissists are amoral – the end justifies the means.

The narcissist as a grown adult is extremely capable of pathological lying, and the narcissist’s brain wiring is disordered. The narcissist often fully believes his or her own lies. Brains are very good at creating ‘stories’ especially when neuron pathways are hard-wired to self-avoidance (unconsciousness).

At the very least the narcissist will believe his or her righteous justifications for telling the lies.

Unfortunately many humans don’t suspect that a seemingly ‘sane’ ‘functioning’ person can tell them bare faced lies. Narcissists are also brilliant actors. Since a very young age they have perfected the craft of acting out emotions in order to manipulate.

As you can imagine I have heard the most incredible stories narcissists have used to smear business associates, love partners, friends and family members. I also have experienced the most incredible smear campaigns myself (as I am sure you have too).

Sadly, many people believe the narcissist’s lies because they surmise “Why would this person be saying that unless it was true?!”

However healthy people do not get involved, or seek the truth for themselves.

People who are not hooked by the narcissist may believe the lies, offer sympathy and even suggest solutions or support for the narcissist, but are unlikely to take on attacking the person who the narcissist is smearing as their own personal crusade.

If they did – I only have one assessment for that. This person has their own unresolved shadows (inner wounds) that they project outwards as righteous attacks of ‘trying to right the world’s evils’.

Organisations often have no option other than to get involved with the narcissist’s lies, because it’s their job to investigate claims of child-abuse, criminal activity, fraud, tax-evasion, violence etc.

 

The Rescuer

Triangulation may include an organisation at the top left of the triangle, or a fictitious character, or a fabricated statement.

Narcissists commonly use third-party ally statements (real or fabricated).

An example is “I spoke to Joe. He and his wife agree what you do is ruining our relationship.”

Or of course, there may be a real person, convinced that the narcissist is the good person, playing the rescuer role for the narcissist.

The rescuer is being used by the narcissist; he or she is also a victim, and also being abused.

The narcissist uses the rescuer as an extension of his or her agenda, and has no qualms about dragging these people in, lying to them, getting them involved in chaos, or putting them at risk – even criminally, if they chose to engage at that level.

These people are objects and may be discarded when their usefulness is complete, and then may be re-recruited by the narcissist when the next triangulation opportunity presents.

The narcissist may go as far as to incite these people to do his or her dirty work, exit the scene and let them take the fall in his or her place.

So what makes someone susceptible for this role?

A variety of things.

Generally this person has been hooked by the narcissist and is trying to win his or her approval.

This person may have assigned the narcissist as their ‘source’, and due to struggling to generate their own self-worth and self-value buys the narcissist’s lies about ‘how special they are to the narcissist’.

The narcissist may lie or feign promises leading to some ‘hope’ for the future that this person believes is necessary from the narcissist – such as ‘love’, ‘approval’ ‘repayment’ of  ‘making amends’ or ‘security’.

The common denominator for people who chose to believe the narcissist’s version of events  (despite the ‘off’ and unwholesome feelings internally experienced and red flags appearing), is in some area of their life they see the narcissist as the source of what they want or need, rather than believing they are a generative source of that to themselves.

 

Intimate Partner Rescuers

New partners are often easily triangulated against ex partners.

The new partner wants to believe the fairy tale, and the façade the narcissist presents as ‘the dream partner who is the answer to all previous loneliness / emotional pain / security. ‘

The new partner does not want to investigate the ex-partner(s) evidence, does not want to question ‘the dream’ and easily believes the narcissist’s version. Especially when the narcissist is supplying the intoxication of ‘perfect love’ that narcissists do in the love-bombing period.

The new partner would rather ignore the truth and believe the lies.

Down the track, ex-partners, who were once at the bottom of the triangle being smeared and discredited to third parties, are often re-recruited to rescuer status when things turn sour with the new partner.

The narcissist is apt to go into a hoovering phase with still contactable ex-partners when cracks appear in future relationships. The narcissist may be low on narcissistic supply and / or suffering narcissistic injury, and the narcissist wishes to inflict punishment and revenge on the new partner for not complying with the narcissist’s False Self.

The ex-partner, if still hooked and not recovered from the previous narcissistic abuse, is highly susceptible to be used for sex, attention, sympathy, becoming an object of revenge, energy, resources and anything else the narcissist feels entitled to at this time.

The ex-partner may also take a stand against the new partner in a futile attempt to convince the narcissist that he or she is loyal and therefore worth loving and committing to again.

The narcissist can be totally charming, appear remorseful and even adoring when moving the ex-partner up from the bottom of the triangle to the top left hand corner.

This ex-partner naturally wants to believe the lies.

This person despite previous abuse doesn’t want to imagine the narcissist is very capable of demoting him or her again, and is likely to be playing out multiple games of smearing and demonising different sexual partners to each other (behind their backs) and creating them as the rescuer  (in person) simultaneously.

This, of course, sets them up against each other.

The different parties completely distrust each other and don’t believe each other’s versions. They also choose to believe the narcissist is so repulsed that there is no way he or she would go near that person let alone heaven forbid have sex with them.

Despite the numerous warning bells, red flags, inconsistencies and gnawing horrible feeling that something unsavoury is taking place.

The narcissist thus continues his or her operations undetected.

Many of you may have experienced this and know exactly what I am talking about. Maybe now you are thinking back and a light has come on for you.

The second narcissist in my life was discovered doing this with at least three different women (myself being one of them).

Eventually we all discovered the truth despite his lies and demonising allegations about ‘us’ all against each other.

Naturally behaviour like this is incredibly disturbing, pathological and quite frankly sick. However, what is incredibly important is to take responsibility for how we got in such a toxic dynamic, why we choose not to see the truth, and why we chose to believe lies and dismiss red flags.

My healing journey required enormous self-reflection and extreme dedication to self-work in order to release horrendous betrayal, and the darkness of female misogyny and sexual and emotional predatory abuse.

Most importantly, what required confronting and releasing was my inner unhealed and disowned parts which had led me into being involved with a narcissist, and being both the persecuted and the rescuer on such a dark pathological triangle.

The blind spots without ourselves cause us to miss the blind spots in others.

 

Non-Intimate Rescuers

Rescuers can also be people who are not past or current intimate partners.

Other people, used by the narcissist against the narcissist’s target, can include a family member (suffering from lack of self-worth) who is trying to source worthiness via the narcissist’s approval.

Likewise, a business associate (suffering from lack of self-capability) who believes the narcissist is a ticket to security and wealth may delude him or herself and combine forces with the narcissist against the target.

Friends of the narcissist who suffer from lack of self-worth and self-esteem, who get the payoff of the narcissist in their life for emotional approval and favours, or who are hooked and manipulated with guilt, may also be easy recruitment targets.

This is especially likely if this person acts out ‘righteousness’ as a result of projecting their own disowned inner wounding,

 

The Persecuted

Many people in this community know exactly what it is to be at the bottom of the triangle – being subjected to the narcissist’s smear campaigns, abuse by proxy and discrediting to your family, friends, community and associates.

If you are hooked in to this, you are in for a very hard time.

Narcissists are masters at playing out pathological behaviour, inciting reactions and turning the tables with “Look at him / her. THAT is the insane person”, and the more upset and frantic you become the guiltier you look.

I have been privy to more triangulation cases then I can count – as well as having experienced it myself.

This I promise you – the more you try to plead your innocence, highlight the narcissist’s pathology and clear your name the worse things get.

The more distressed, dismayed, angry and victimised you are, the more you hand over narcissistic supply, the more people will band with the narcissist and the greater your reputation, relationships (even those with the people you love the most) and livelihood will suffer.

 

The Self Defeating Model of Unconsciousness

You may feel like this is totally unfair.

You may exclaim “I have a right to be incensed!”

And of course you can continue down that path if you want… however there are two crucial reasons why it’s pointless.

The first is, you are playing straight into the narcissist’s hands.

You will NOT achieve exposing the narcissist. Instead you grant the narcissist the egoic delight of knowing he or she has the power to severely affect you.

This is A-grade revenge and narcissistic supply at its best.

The energy you direct at the situation provides what every high-conflict personality thrives on – the fuelling of a battle where you are NO match for the insane, delusional out of bounds behaviour that the narcissist is capable of.

You may have some people in your camp granting you sympathy and agreeing with your constant dismay and efforts to expose the narcissist.

The following may be a hard pill to swallow, but it is the truth. Regardless of how much this person empathises with your pain, a healthy true friend could not view your obsession and see the mania of it without realising how unhealthy it is.

If these people agree with you – they are enabling your own self-destruction, and are ‘Yes” people who have their own agendas for not telling you the truth, or they have extremely poor boundaries, or / and their own unconscious issues to allow them to be involved with fuelling victimhood.

If these people aren’t calling you on what you are doing to yourself they are not authentic friends. These people are extremely similar to the unhealthy people the narcissist recruits as ‘The Rescuer’.

Not surprisingly you will discover many people pull away from you, because you have become too toxic and unhealthy to be around.

I promise you with all my heart – I have not seen ONE person on the incensed victimised track get well, get relief, heal or be able to productively get on with their life.

How can they when every day is poisoned with the toxic energy of ‘what the narcissist has done, is doing or will do’.

The second reason, and as far as I am concerned the most important reason you shouldn’t take on the incensed victimised stance is:  if you DO you have MISSED your evolution lesson.

Which means you are doomed to re-create it over and over again – until you finally DO take it on.

Let’s go back to the understanding of what unconsciousness is.

Unconsciousness is the inability to self-reflect and realise that you are the emotional energetic creator of your own experience.

Unconsciousness is the powerlessness of trying to control and change situations outside of yourself to improve your life rather than evolving yourself.

Unconsciousness is the root of all pain, all less than experiences, all inability to change painful patterns in life and all dysfunctional relations and relationships – including the devastation of triangulation.

We know the narcissist has no hope of becoming conscious, and that is not ‘ours’ anyway.

 

The Empowering Model of Consciousness

So how do WE become conscious?

By taking our attention inside us to ‘what hurts’ and drop deeply within to find and heal the original wounds that led us into this mess.

Module 4, 5 and 8 of The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program are very powerful self-reflection and healing tools for triangulation.

By going deeply inside we discover many things about our own shadows that caused us to generate being triangulated (as our wake up call), and exactly why we are panicked, incensed, hooked in and feeling so abused and powerless.

What is it really about?

Here is a small list of the types of inner wounding that commonly leads us to attract and be persecuted in triangulation.

  • Believing your worth is dependent on approval from others, rather than loving and approving of yourself.
  • As a child being scapegoated, blamed and distrusted.
  • Believing you will ‘die’ or feel like you are ‘dying’ because the person who you thought was the source of your life is now demonising you.
  • Carrying the young inner wounds of terror of being punished (or even annihilated) because of something you have done.
  • Carrying the young inner wounds of terror that you will lose things or people dear to your heart because of something you have done.
  • Being triggered with the intense young inner panic “I have to change crazy people from being crazy so that I can be safe.”

I promise you – no matter how BADLY the narcissist is behaving your fearful, disturbed, panicked reactions are NOT coming from a healthy adult inner centre. They are triggers from very young, underdeveloped unhealed parts of you that established these wounds LONG before the narcissist brought these submerged wounds up to the surface for you.

One of the most simplest and profound realisations is this: when we have unresolved trauma it is trapped in our bodies. It then has ‘a life of its own’. What this means is we have internalised the abuser, and the abusive acts and we remain bonded to them, and we will continue re-creating that abuse over and over again.

Whatever wounds we have within us that remain unconscious present to us from the outside – from The Field of Life – in order to make them conscious.

Until they are healed…

That’s WHY this trauma has to be accessed and released.

It’s vital to understand the original wounding is NOT the narcissist – he or she is the continuation of The Field bringing to you your already unconscious wounds.

This is why it is fruitless to think the changes CAN take place outside of you. If you remain unconscious and your inner wounds keep fuelling your reactions, then The Filed via the narcissist will just get LOUDER.

The more IGNITED these wounds are, the more they project into and draw from The Field the absolute evidence of them.

No amount of unconscious ‘doing’ rectifies this.

Can you see what is really going on?

If you were coming from a healthy adult centre you would detach, pull back, know your own solidness, truth and integrity non-dependent on others ‘getting it’, create boundaries, deal with everything calmly and logically as needed, and start generating your own healthy life that does NOT include pathological insanity.

The real truth of the matter is: if you were already healed and did not have these blind-spots, triangulation could NOT have turned up in your life. You would have pulled away long before matters got to this level.

The truth is when you do heal these parts you will feel solid, you will feel resolved, you will no longer be addicted and obsessed. You will healthily detach, and you will be free.

Not just from this toxic exchange – but ALSO the possibility of future events.

That was my REAL truth – and it is yours as well.

This is not about shame and blame – this is about taking personal responsibility and claiming personal power.

The truth is never shaming unless we chose to try to stuff our shadows back down, and then of course we shame ourselves.

In stark contrast The Truth is the LIGHT that dissolves these shadows and sets us free.

The evolved parts of ourselves know Life supports truth, integrity and solidness and we have nothing to fear from powerless False Selves.

It is only our young, fearful, insecure unhealed parts that hand energy over to narcissists – and it is these parts of ourselves that provide the fuel for narcissists to do what they do.

Without our wounding and associated fear and pain narcissists have NO power.

Which is exactly what you will experience for yourself if you take the gift of the lesson and evolve yourself.

You will up-level into no pain, no handing over of energy, no obsession or thoughts spent on rubbish. Additionally, you will experience people automatically believing you (not that your Identity requires that to feel ‘whole’) and you will know a greater level of empowerment and emotional freedom than you ever believed possible.

Why?

Because this experience led you to heal your inner shadows that you previously didn’t know you needed to heal.

The unconscious became conscious.

You will also experience the narcissist falling flat on his or her face (not that your Identity requires that to feel ‘whole’). Because when you no longer provide energy, the narcissist can’t produce any on his or her own.

The truth is: narcissists are ‘lifeless’ and have to steal energy to produce any.

Defeating the narcissist authentically by starving him or her of your energy may be your initial motivation to start becoming conscious.

However, I’d like you to understand the greatest powerful truth you could ever know, one that your entire life experience depends upon.

When your orientation becomes totally about dedication to detaching from what other people are or aren’t doing, and becomes firmly involved in the up-levelling of your own unconscious parts, you will break free into the greatest joy, expansion, peace, love and flourishing that you have ever known.

You will start connecting with and generating your True Being and your True Life.

You will also create a world one person at a time where energy is no longer provided to narcissists.

Then they will be left with themselves only, with only two choices remaining…

Get conscious or become extinct.

I look forward to replying to your comments and questions

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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250 Thoughts on A Deeper Look At Triangulation
  • melissa.roberts1515@gmail.com'
    Melissa
    April 24, 2014

    Bless you Melanie,
    This addresses the area that remained a struggle for me after the others were resolved. The narcissist constantly triangulated in front of my face- and used the knowledge that I would dissociate, become paralyzed and powerless- to taunt and abuse me. He would let himself be physically stroked by other women in front of me (or gaze deeply into their eyes with his bedroom eyes) in public places and then scream at me at home for allowing it to happen….. and so much more. My childhood sexual abuse caused me to obsess and dwell on these events and move into “less than,” “discardable,” “second best,” etc…. Intense codependency work and listening to your modules this year have been a huge help. Delving into childhood wounds has been excruciating and freeing. This piece you put out provides me with the final information that I have needed to release and keep a steady focus on myself. I cannot thank you enough. You are light and love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Melissa,

      you are very welcome..

      Yes, this was the narc finding your wound and attacking you with it – which is what they do!

      That deep childhood wound of ‘second best’ is such a common one – it would have been next choice on the article list!

      Fabbo you have been working NARP to release your wounds and heal…

      You ARE on the way to liberation!

      Mel xo

      • ksegars@gmail.com'
        Ken
        September 11, 2014

        Thank you Melissa,

        I have been moved to tears by the power and wisdom in this article. Just today I had my first therapy session to begin the healing process one week after breaking up with a narcissist woman, one of many throughout my adult relationships. Your words towards the end on self-work and finding joy within….I cannot express how much I needed to hear this. I would love to speak or set up some sessions with you…thank you, you are a blessing!!

      • treewood1.jk@gmail.com'
        janet
        September 13, 2015

        This is the best article explaining how triangulation thing works, and most importantly how to break free from it. I did do a few things to get even with the people who triangulate me, I dont regret that either. Mainly involved exposing the lies. But I do regret that I have taken longer to get rid of the painful emotions and the delight they got to enjoy along the way. I see now my biggest issue was deriving my self worth on others , and the feeling of dying if someone who I thought loved me changed into hating me or demeaning me. I totally get now that it was that wound that caused me to keep going back in for more abuse with the grouo I was involved with, which included a lover and several friends. In fact, it was a female friend thats really instigated the big “smear campaign”, and I still get an occasional minion after me, or checking up on me. Im doing really well now, and surprisingly or not, none of those people are. This article has really helped with that last bit of “poor me” pain.

  • carissacrst@gmail.com'
    carissa
    April 24, 2014

    I know exactly what you are speaking of. This couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Carissa,

      Yes many people do!

      I’m glad, and you are welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

      • rhumphrey_35@hotmail.com'
        Robin
        April 30, 2014

        I know that all too well. Didn’t know that it had a name. He would say things like My sister told me not to deal with you because of his health etc. I wasn’t stressing him out it was the other way around. Yes, I felt crazy and he did it all the time. This grown man who is in his late 40’s having to run to his sisters about things he did but switched it up to make me look crazy. Melanie you are great! Thanks for the helpful information.

      • treewood1.jk@gmail.com'
        janet
        September 13, 2015

        This article is so great! It takes all their mystical powers away (like showing the man behind the curtain controlling the wizard), or letting all the air out I of a giant balloon. The dysfunction I’s laughable of the people who feel compelled to triangulate, and the people dumb enough to join in.. The victim is probably the only one who has the ability to get better (if not too destroyed or unable or unwilling to become conscious), out of anyone involved. Takes the whole victim hood status away right there, this is a chance for concience and healing so you can be even happier than you were before.

  • admin@cat-world.com.au'
    JW
    April 24, 2014

    I also thought that it meant using others to make you feel bad about yourself. For example my ex kept on saying to me “we must do X together when I’m not busy”, and I’d say that I would love to. And every single week without fail he would tell me how he had been and done X with multiple other people. Yet he repeatedly told me he didn’t have time to do it with me.

    He constantly told me how attractive he found other women, even emailing me photos of celebrities he liked.

    When I had enough, I’d walk away, and he’d come chasing saying “we must do X together”.

    I started looking at him as a wolf, and I no longer open my door to somebody who wants to make me feel bad/worthless about myself. He even put me down for having a successful business. Who does that?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      HI JW,

      that is absolutely triangulation as well..

      Third parties to abuse…

      Who does that?

      Unconscious people do that – and the most important part of it is – “What are our unconscious wounds being made conscious by their behaviour?”

      Otherwise the repeat pattern keeps coming until we heal us…

      This is very much about how and what we deeply feel / believe about ourselves, that is where the real healing is..

      Mel xo

    • awdouke8@gmail.com'
      Adrienne Douke
      January 11, 2016

      32 Years. How I wish I knew this then. It would have made a huge difference in my life. My N had a (and still does have) an incestuous relationship with his sister. He would say, “But I love my sister” when I confronted him; even though they were clearly behaving in a sexual way and it made me uncomfortable. I now know that this was triangulation and that narcissistic behavior is linked to incest because it is the closest thing to themselves. He also uses my daughter against me. Thankfully, she is moving to New Zealand with her husband soon, and even though I will miss her I am glad she is not going to be around her narcissistic father anymore.

      For years I struggled with the worthless way it made me feel. I am over that now and want nothing to do with him. Over 3 years separate residences and now NC. I am walking away from the crap.

      I am beginning to heal and see the garbage for what it is. I don’t feel jealous anymore. I feel sorry for them, and only wish that I recognized this for what it was then, it would have saved me a lot of grief.

  • rbakle1960@roadrunner.com'
    Rbakle
    April 24, 2014

    Certainly explains why I always felt it was 2 against one–like i wasn’t invited to join the “club” sadly my daughter cut me out of her life when he left with a woman 11 years younger than him…I truly believe she also is a Narc also. But after over 30 years I no longer feel Tagged teamed and I am more at peace and happier.

    • vcakes@yahoo.com'
      vrater
      April 25, 2014

      This is happening to me too. Hired detective and proved affair with his secretary – probably 6-9 years along. He is using our daughter and his parents and sister as rescuers in the triangulation. I believe my daughter is/will be narcissist too. Refuses to visit me. She and my husband called police to pick up her car after I grounded her for disrespectful misbehavior. So sad. It is so hard to comprehend all the nuances of detaching and letting them go.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 25, 2014

        Hi Vrater,

        That is so tough when your child is involved…I know how awful that is…Hugs xx

        the ‘letting go’ is cellular – it is about getting the trauma out of your subconscious..

        It is not a ‘logical mind’ thing…it is a specific process.

        The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is that healing and recovery process.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Rbakle,

      I am so sorry that happened with you daughter…but so good you could let go.

      Mel xo

  • mizzyjo@hotmail.co.uk'
    jonianni
    April 24, 2014

    My daughter is a narcissist and I worry so much for my granddaughter. She is 12 and my daughter has of course destroyed her memories of me and turned her against me. My ex husband is a psychopath and between the two of them my granddaughter will disintegrate! I am saving all of your posts for Jessica to read if ever she comes looking for me! Thank you so much!

  • Metzgerm1@hotmail.com'
    Mark
    April 24, 2014

    As always, well written and hitting close to home. It amazes me that with each sentence I feel as if you have walked my shoes. That, in and of itself, provides a comfort that is indescribable. This has reinforced the basic premise that moving on isn’t about being right or changing the abuser it’s about personal accountability for what I can do to better myself and eliminate the drama. Ultimately it’s about loving myself more than I have in the past and preparing myself for something greater.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Mark,

      the truth is so many of us relate, we had the identical experiences…

      The narcissism ‘virus’ is what it is!

      Absolutely our true power ONLY ever comes from self-reflection and 100% responsibility to evolve.

      Great stuff Mark!

      Mel xo

  • ablimit.ab@hotmail.com'
    Ali
    April 24, 2014

    One of my problem is that my N got multiple social workers and women’s society’s as her rescuers (abuse by proxy). In a family court system, the opinion of social workers and women’s aid organizations will be given certain weight. While I am able to ignore most her other allies, I am not sure how I can ignore the social workers and women’s aid workers because they are considered professionals and trusted people in family litigation. Anything they say about me (even without meeting me for one minute) can bring certain disadvantages to my case.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Ali,

      it is not about ‘ignoring’…

      It is about finding and healing your wounds that are generating their belief in false events.

      When you go inside and do the work on shifting your subconscious from your wounded centre then you CAN’T be a match or ‘get that’ from these people.

      That’s where you power is..

      Mel xo

  • marie_3913@hotmail.com'
    Marie
    April 24, 2014

    One of the best articles on triangulation I have read.

    Well done Melanie. Simply awesome and explains so much about my behaviour, friends, family and off course the main actor – The Narcissist.

  • marcuswhitman911@gmail.com'
    Marcus
    April 24, 2014

    Whoa…
    You have really described my ex-wife perfectly-and my reaction to her! Her righteousness was magnified by her “spiritual” grandiosity that is so hypocritical it’s nauseating.
    She has the triangulation DOWN…and has mastered all three points of the triangle. Hypochondria was also an issue-something was just not quite right almost every day and she worked the Victim angle quite artfully.
    ~~
    Thank you for reminding me of the gifts I have been given through the 15 years of abuse – I have lots more work to do.
    I look forward to rediscovering my Authentic Self by honestly detaching from my obsession about what it is other people are or are NOT doing. I have been codependent for too long…It dawned on me today that I have not yelled, raised my voice, or acted like a crazy person since the divorce last October; I guess I can be thankful that she brought out the worst in me!
    ~~
    I agree with Melissa in the post above: this piece provides vital information that is simple and spot on.
    Thanks, Melanie, your NARProgram is giving me the ability to heal myself little by little.
    Remember you are loved…
    Marcus
    Oregon, USA

    • rbakle1960@roadrunner.com'
      Rbakle
      April 25, 2014

      Marcus–Oh my Gosh when I read this I realized the VERY same–I have not gotten angry or raisied my voice or asked myself ONCE in 2 years “I’m I crazy??” It took me almost a year to realize the “quiet in my home is a GOOD thing…a normal thing!” I spent age 15-52 with my Narc…and almost 2 years ago found this sight and said THANK YOU LORD I have some answers!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Marcus,

      I am glad it resonated, and you are very right in self-reflecting on the work to do on ourselves..

      So, so great you are doing this inner work..and the freedom that you will gain will be sooo worth it..

      Not just trying to powerlessly control others, but attracting a much higher vibration of people into your life!

      Mel xo

    • treewood1.jk@gmail.com'
      janet
      September 13, 2015

      Women really have this triangulation shit down too, at least the personality disordered ones do. It was the former female friend who rounded up everyone she could , to go after me; discredit me and say Im crazy, along with my former lover, when I discovered and faced once and for all she was no friend of mine. Shed been actively sabatooging me all along. She joined forces with him, he was her friend before too. Someone tried to tell me before; they thought she was actually quite jealous of me, and my former lover warned me one time that I should”watch” out for her. They all sided with her when I ended the friendship. This stuff is so predictable when you read it played out over and over. Truth is we ignored our gut feelings and plunged ahead because we thought we “needed” them. All we needed was to love ourselves so we would move on to functional types who play fair.

  • rachelgideon@yaho.com'
    rachel
    April 24, 2014

    awesome awesome!! this is the TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!!Am experiencing freedom day by day….changed my phone no cut all ties!!! when you go not CONTCT WITH EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES LIFE FEELS WAY MUCH BETTER !!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Rachel,

      so very true, when we no longer assign them as our source, and become a healthy source to ourselves, then we can no longer have the lifeforce sucked out of us..

      Mel xo

  • akmadan@easynet.co.uk'
    Karen
    April 24, 2014

    Thank you for this article – even though I am far enough along recovery to see most of what you explained already, and even though the ex has no power over me any more (it is so true that once we shift our focus, there is nothing left for them and they melt away), it had a powerful effect on me. When I read “Being triggered with the intense young inner panic ‘I have to change crazy people from being crazy so that I can be safe’.” I just burst into tears out of nowhere, and had a vivid picture of me as a tiny child cowering from my mother as she raged. I had somehow ‘forgotten’ how I was like my father as a child, doing anything to placate my mother and trying to ‘fix’ her – because as a teen I gave up and retreated into silent opposition. My ex reactivated all of that – to the extent that his triangulation would include recruiting me to try to mediate in his new relationships – and I TRIED! Yet again, I had conveniently ‘forgotten’ this to such an extent that when his latest girlfriend contacted me a few months ago to ask me to talk to him as they were ‘having lots of problems’, I actually thought, ‘what on earth is she thinking of? On what planet would I ever get involved in this?’! There’s a tiny damaged child inside me that is so grateful to you for bringing this to my attention xx

    • doobes30@hotmail.com'
      Julie kruger
      April 25, 2014

      Ditto x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Karen,

      you are so welcome.

      Triggers can be hug ‘ah-ha’s’ and they are sooo meant to come to us..

      You are right energetically speaking there is a little girl inside saying “Please heal this” (That’s exactly what triggers are).

      Always incredible opportunities to evolve and take our life to a higher level..

      Are you working NARP?

      Because you can go straight to this wound and release and up-level it if you are..

      Module 1 is wonderful for trauma – or the goal setting Module…

      After one of two sessions that wound will no longer be there..and then it will no longer be generating these events in your life..

      Mel xo

      • akmadan@easynet.co.uk'
        Karen
        April 25, 2014

        Mel, thank you for the reply, I am going to work NARP, have been waiting for funds to purchase, as up to now I have successfully been using CBT to work through thoughts and craniosacral therapy and somatoemotional release to release stuff, the combination of which (along with a whole new lifestyle and a deepening spirituality) has been hugely successful. However, I’ve known for a long time that I have a deep-seated distrust of men and avoid male energy (I leave any situation that is predominantly male), and this hasn’t shifted. I am not sure where it has come from, if it is purely as a result of the ex or what? Now, I have been quite happy to live the last year or two like that (using avoidance tactics), and I am perfectly happy single, and perfectly happy to live the rest of my life single. So a large part of me thinks there’s no need to address this. But there’s also a part of me that thinks if I know this is an issue and I don’t want to deal with it, it probably needs dealing with! 🙂 x

        • akmadan@easynet.co.uk'
          Karen
          April 25, 2014

          Just purchased – very excited to begin x

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 26, 2014

          Hi Karen,

          that’s great!

          What you will find is that NARP directly targets the specific abuse programs to release the pain and fear out of your body.

          That will open you up to a whole new dimension. After all ‘males’ are half of the world’s people! So it is wonderful if we can connect with them healthily!

          It is glorious when you transcend ‘fear of men’…I have the most beautiful guys in my life now on so many levels – truly evolutionary guys who match a higher vibration…

          I wish that for every woman – to be totally supported to be free and revered as herself!!

          NARP will help you so much to be free of that fear!

          Mel xo

      • Novahewitt@yahoo.com'
        Nova
        July 19, 2016

        NARP?
        What’s the formula or key to killing the connecting accepting the event?

  • vlbc07@gmail.com'
    Lucia
    April 24, 2014

    Very good article , Melanie . I found myself in the same situation , but I can say that I am a winner. Before I knew that my current husband was narcissistic, I had noticed that he was an abuser ( emotionally ) man. When I found out he had a mistress , I decided to record his conversations with her by my computer. And listening everything he said about me, I could not believe it. He filed for divorce , saying he loved me but he needed to be alone. I suffered a lot . And idiot, I thought taking care of him if he needed me in the future. I was very ethical with it , because I just told to my two good friends about the other woman. I told him I had recorded him, and of course, I knew everything. I decided to have my own lawyer. He wanted to make a divorce with dignity . Excuse me ? I confronted him every day about what I had heard . On a beautiful day , he called the police to arrest me claiming that I had done something illegal in the US. Then, on the same day, I decided to tell everyone what he had done. I told to everyone he was a coward, he was a big liar. I told everything to our friends and our family . Those who know me, know me truly. I had a great family, with righteous parents . My father always taught me that if I ever suffered any type of abuse ( be it emotional , physical or sexual ) that I should expose the abuser without mercy . Only exposing the abuser, we could stop the abuse, according to my father.
    Ah, I exposed his mistress too, which made everything hidden because she always says to everyone she is very Catholic and she could not even be with a married man. At the time I did not know, but now I know that she is a potential victim.
    So my father believed that was the only way we could stop the abuser . Today , we are in a contested divorce and I know how to deal with all his lies . My current husband accuses me of everything, but I could gather evidence and I documented almost everything.
    We tried a collaborative divorce, but did not work out. In fact, even his lawyer has not wanted to be more in the case because my current husband acted like a child and never really wanted to solve the serious issues we had. We had a neutral psychologist recommended by my lawyer, but she only served to contain his rages against me. But all worth it because I learned a lot and I got stronger every day.
    I hired a super lawyer to litigate, very experienced. I have studied and learned a lot. I have prepared myself as ever in my life. And today, ALL my friends are with me. ALL my family is with me, even helping me pay for this divorce. It’s a very expensive divorce. Many of his friends who were his friends before we got married, are also with me and they do not speak to him anymore. Some of his family, are also with me. In fact, only some his friends who do not know the whole truth are talking with him. But these people do not interest me at all. He is an alone man and I don’t have pity about him. I never thought I was so strong and you helped me a lot with your The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. I learned a lot in these past 18 months. And a lot of my strength and security I owe you. You do a beautiful job helping women victims of these monsters.
    I know I have a long way in my divorce, but I will not give up. I don’t have any contact with him and rarely, very rarely I suffer from co-dependency. I have friends who ask me to call them when for a moment, I get feelings of loss or pity about him. My mom always tells me that when this is over, he does not deserve even a second of our thoughts. I’m very lucky to have everyone on my side.
    I wish everyone had the same luck I had, because now I know it’s not easy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Lucia,

      the model of righteousness is exposure…

      And yes it can ‘work’ in that it gets the person to go away..

      Narcs will leave for sure when the mask is pulled off, because their False Self cannot stand truth, any more than a vampire in myth can stand the light..

      However, they will not ever be accountable..

      The most flawed aspect about the righteous model is it does not address our personal responsibility, healing or evolution.

      And simply to be ‘righteous’ means we are highly likely to simply draw another person and painful experience to get all ‘righteous about’.

      The deal is – the unconsciousness wounds in us draws unconscious people to us in The Field..

      That is why we need to heal.

      Mel xo

      • treewood1.jk@gmail.com'
        janet
        September 13, 2015

        Maybe we have to do this for a while. I think the biggest problem develops when for some reason or other you cant just get away from it right away, that brings out the “righteous” behaviour. Like the poster above, she was still married. I wasnt married but I lived in the same neighborhood as mutual friends, who ended up siding with him, after admitting he had strung me along and played me, even pretending he loved me to keep it going longer, because he saw me getting back with my husband. Totally screwed with my heart. I simply asked him to stay out of my neighborhood. Not only would he not do that they gaslighted me. I couldnt get away and wasnt well then and I exposed what one of them did to me; and I dont regret it one single bit. Watching him humiliated and crying was gratifying to me for betraying our friendship and siding with those sociopaths and beu ng their minion. But I totally agree its got to stop as soon as you can and just go be happy and sucessful and hit the ball out of the park. Ive known a few people who were unable to get out of the angry hurt phase of a trauma, and it destroys their life and becomes their whole identity.

    • tplovie@gmail.com'
      Tiffany
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Lucia,

      I am not Melanie, nor do I pretend to be. However, the anger resonating from your post is evident. The longer that we hold onto our anger and seek to hold them accountable (something we will never succeed in doing, btw. Even if you win the legal battle, he still will remain emotionally untouched.), the more of our own lives we arw missing.

      You owe yourself a lifetime of happiness, especially after dealing with a NARC for so long. Hold your head high, know that the best revenge is living a happy life.

      My ex fought a long and brutal legal battle with his ex. Out of the blue, she settled and walked away with nothing. She even paid off HIS cc bills!!! After four years, I guess she felt she had missed enough of her life. She moved on and is happily married today.

      I picked up where she left off. It is now six years later, and would gladly give up everything I own to be free of him.

  • J_backof@yahoo.com'
    Bj
    April 24, 2014

    This really resonates with me. I would love to see more on how this applies to relationships between adult children and their parents.

    • sherineprice@gmail.com'
      Diane
      April 24, 2014

      Me too.

    • lahstar215@hotmail.com'
      Anonymous
      April 24, 2014

      I was the recipient of such intense scapegoating by my mother then subsequently (through my mothers obsessional need to triangulate others to pit them against me), father, step-parents, siblings, aunt; all of whom had been triangulated by my mother to gang up on me like a pack of wolves. Although she is now 75, she continues this pattern & I lost my entire family because as you so accurately described (they have their own secondary gains: neediness/need to feel special) as a result of my identity getting destroyed by her. As you have advised, I’ve tried to get my focus off her and seek spiritual help & had to learn that the traumatic grief/pain from losing everyone I loved as a result of her pathology-as it says in scripture: who is my mother and my brother-those doing the will of God; in other words those walking in the light, truth & health so who did I really lose. After years of exhaustive attempts to defend myself, I surrendered that to my father/mother God as he is my “justifyer.” I also should add that I have drawn to me over and over again one narcissist after another: neighbors, friends, etc. and it wasn’t until I realized just as this article suggests that I needed to put my focus on healing my deep inner wounds & in my case I have chosen to listen to people (Wayne Dyer, Joseph Prince-“righteousness”/grace theme, Judith Macnutt’s teachings, MaryAnn Williamson & I call many prayer lines when I need a boost of love & light,) who speak love, light & truth re: my “true” identity as God created me. Melanie’s teachings/insights have also come just @ the precise time I’ve needed it-like today as I’m still working on distancing from the narcissists still left in my life. It’s a process and I’m working toward no contract but realized for me: I’ve needed to do some deep healing first & get strong in the lord before I can take this step bc in the past each time I tried, I went running back..Thank you Melanie from the bottom of my heart for your amazing wisdom, insight as well as your willingness to share your journey so those that need your help do not feel alone. You and your testimony will forever be an inspiration to all…Blessings to all who are on this journey….

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 25, 2014

        Hi Anonymous,

        that is great you have turned to a Higher Power, because giving up our wounds and bringing in Source is what that is all about..

        NARP is exactly that process, with specific visualisation techniques to activate your subconscious..as the same principle..

        You won’t run back when you specifically find and release ‘that’ wound which has made you susceptible to run back…

        You need to find and up-level that ‘gap’…(and any others that leave you susceptible)..

        You are welcome and my love and blessings too!

        Mel xo

      • Girl_tuesday27@yahoo.com'
        jarwithaheavylid
        April 12, 2015

        Thank you for your words. Defamation is extremely hard to deal with. I will think of these words next time I get down.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi BJ,

      this article really covers this:
      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-we-become-better-parents-as-we-heal/

      I have seen so many parents heal and reunite with their children…and this is the way how to..

      Mel xo

  • elainep8@msn.com'
    Elaine
    April 24, 2014

    It seems narcs like to identify jealous or envious associates of their victims and rally them to join in. They even try to make friends with the victims friends and family so they’ll feel like they have no one.

    • susanna_smith@btintrnet.com'
      Susanna
      May 19, 2015

      Yes so true. My soon-to-be ex-Narc husband knows every single pressure point in my family.

      I have endured my younger sister’s own Narc abuse for the past 40 years (this started in earnest about 20 years ago when I returned home to look after my two elderly parents after a relatively amicable divorce – as I had a full time demanding job I was hardly there anyway and contributed £38k in rent). She literally could not endure my having any relationship with them although she was herself married with two young girls and a nice home.

      So since the blow up with husband (who I met through her) and who abandoned me, they have colluded. I suffered random bouts of DV throughout our 10 year marriage, finally seeing a GP last year, but to support my husband’s completely false claims of DV (mirroring) phoned my doctor to say I’d punched her in the face and actually tried to have me sectioned (she got that idea from a friend of hers who was also threatened by her wealthy husband). A complete lie. I have NEVER hit person or any animal in my life – I’m a physical coward and know I’d be hit back. But there it is on my medical records.

      Fortunately neither the police nor DV agencies believe my husband and have been most supportive. Basically, I have to get as far away from them as possible as soon as the settlement money is paid. I might even change my name by deed poll.

      I just keep hanging on…. knowing that somehow this will be history by 2016. I pray it will be anyway.

  • saoirse.nicgabhainn@nuigalway.ie'
    Saoirse
    April 24, 2014

    Thank you for this – it really speaks to an issue I’ve been thinking about in my recovery – I seem to have a strong desire to apologise for my role in supporting the N in his demonisation of his ex wife. I believed everything he said and even agreed to raise his daughter to save her from his ex. Now, many years later, I can see that I was manipulated into being the Rescuer. I did that mother a terrible disservice and would like to at least acknowledge it – but I’m not sure if its the right thing to do – what do others think?

    • ejh7454@clearwire.net'
      EJ
      April 25, 2014

      If I were in your shoes, the first thing I would do is make very certain I had totally forgiven myself and also forgiven and detached totally from the narcissist. Then I would feel clear enough to apologize, knowing that the best amends I could make would be to heal myself and learn my lesson deeply. What I am trying to say is that I believe it would be better to be certain that I had no hidden agenda before talking to this person. I wouldn’t want to be trying to set her up to clean my conscience for me. Neither you nor the other woman were aware enough to know what was happening back then. Now you know more and probably she does, too. I believe a genuine apology might have healing benefits for you both, but only if you have no expectation of getting something out of the process. You can’t know how the other person will react, but you can know what your own motives are. Are you at a point in your healing where you can do this without stirring up a lot of drama? Are you wondering if the other woman has healed the way you have? Are you secretly imagining rescuing her if she hasn’t healed? And if she has worked on herself, she undoubtedly knows that you didn’t have a happy time of it, either, so you might be anticipating some sort of bonding moment. What if she tells you that you ruined her life and she hopes your fate will be even worse? Do you need to be punished? I suspect the regrets are really between you and you. Does she really need to know you are sorry? Do you need her to know this? Why? I’m not saying it’s wrong to apologize, but I’d really think it over. You mention a strong need to do it, so I’m wondering where that need is coming from. Perhaps your soul is pushing you to to speak to her. But maybe your soul is pushing you to speak more to yourself. Only you can know the answers!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Saorise,

      I sent an apology to the ex-girlfriend before myself, after what had happened..

      He had cheated with her during, but she was also a pawn and the lies against her were not true – and I believed them..

      I wanted to own my part in it and cleanse me with ‘sorry’…but I had no attachment to the outcome whatsoever..

      The result was lovely – but it did not need to me – it was for my soul..

      But only you can make that decision…I am sure you are already sending her love from your heart..

      Mel xo

    • ingrid_fallon@hotmail.com'
      Irish Mummy
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Saoirse.

      I was in a very similar situation with the ex Narc. I believed everything he told me about his wife and I was an adoring stepmother to his daughter for 5 years. His wife as a result of his treatment of her had extended hospital stays with a life threatening eating disorder. He used this as an opportunity to threaten her and her parents that he would seek full time custody. Thankfully a lawyer told him that was unlikely to happen.

      What he did to his wife and her family was disgusting and when I left him I contacted her to apologise for my role in it. She has agreed to allow me to remain in contact with her daughter as I have a son with the narc so they are half brother and sister. She is polite and friendly when I call but we do not speak about the narc and we do not exchange war stories. We are simply doing the right thing for our children. I also sent a written message to her Mother as I was haunted by memories of her face as she handed her grandaughter over to the narc and I for weekend visits when her daughter was dangerously ill in hospital. She acknowledged the message and thanked me and we left it at that.

      I have been lucky that these two women have accepted my apologies graciously but I was prepared to deal with a very different reaction if that was the result and you should be too if you decide to take a similar route. I think they were able to see that I was also a victim of the narc and not actually a bad person. Many may disagree with me contacting them and apologising but for me and my healing journey it felt like the right thing to do.

  • maureen.hughes@mailb.hse.ie'
    Maureen
    April 24, 2014

    Thankyou Melanie you have just written this at a very “right” time for me. It all makes perfect sense and reflects my exact situation for over 29 years. He is evil and so vicious and penetrating my family in order to isolate me. My 4 adult children are also manipulated against me and he is using them as his props to hold onto the family which did not work for him. Now he has to move and yes you guessed it he has all four adult children that they too have to leave the family home and move with him so to further isolate me and as if that was’nt enough he has sabotaged my character saying children could not live with me. But my N has to move under court order so in fact he has not done himself any favours. I am ina different place now and pray for my four adult children that he uses a pawns to reinforce his evil. I have no contact with him for 3 years and never will again you have been such a strength God Bless you Melanie for giving me my life back as I was ina very bad place and on the point of suicide.I only wish you could come to this country to open up Narcissism and its destruction to anyone in the N’s web

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Maureen,

      you are very welcome..

      I would love someone like you with so much stacked against you to really be healing deeply inside to turn this around…

      I certainly am going to be travelling and my most important message is “We are the creator of our life, and we can change it” no matter what it looks like..

      Narcs are the huge wakeup call to heal..
      I know you can heal so much with your children..

      Please read this and deeply feel it..

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-we-become-better-parents-as-we-heal/

      Mel xo

  • jolav@live.com'
    Lav
    April 24, 2014

    Thank you Melanie for writing this. I listened to the radio show and kept pausing to take notes. You gave me the last piece of the puzzle for my situation, it was exciting to finally fit it all together. My narcissist was the co leader of a group, her rescuer was the other leader and a good friend of mine and when he turned on me, I was stunned. I couldn’t work out how he could defend and even participate in her attacks on me, now I see it. I walked away from her and the group. I saw something wrong from the start but decided to stay out of her way so I could stay in the group but a time came when I had to confront things and that’s when it went crazy. I refused to listen to my intuition and stayed in it far too long, because I wanted to remain friends with and “save” the rescuer but also because I was too unsure of myself and I was trying too hard to be what people wanted me to be. I struggled with this for 2 years before finally walking away. My friend was forced to give the narcissist up but to this day he still won’t face the truth of the situation. I used to try to make him see but I gave that up. It’s a relief to finally understand his role in this, thank you so much. I do wonder if it is possible the rescuer will ever face the truth, he was a good friend to me before I got involved in the mess and I miss him.
    I struggled through it all and then stumbled on your blog and website and it all began to become clear. I was relieved to find an explanation and I was strengthened by the fact that even though I did not act on my intuition, I did know from the start that something was wrong and this gives me faith in myself, in my gut, and I will never ignore that again. You are awesome!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Lav,

      I am so glad this article helped, and you are very welcome!

      Really important to know you can’t be responsible for the rescuer’s journey…and when we are really focused on concern for others, the real question is: “What is it we aren’t concerned enough about ‘getting’ for our own journey within ourselves..?”

      Mel xo

  • wateryglen@aol.com'
    Marian
    April 24, 2014

    This is soooo pertinent to me right now. I am 3 yrs post divorce and had moved on but live in same community as the ex. We still have common “friends” & I remained in a club with some of his friends but most are not. The club is important to me which he knows. Some members took his side so to speak in the divorce based on what he told them. They are escalating in trying to drive me out. Gossip from them has crossed over to another club I’m in and badly hurt my reputation. Given this is a small community; it’s hurtful and angered me initially. I’m struggling with not wanting to leave the first club which is what the ex. & his triangulating friends are doing & want. I can not win….should I move on? I want to fight it but know that’s JUST what they(he) wants. I have many friends & most members are fine. It’s just that his are the hierarchy of the club and are using their power to drive me away.
    I keep asking myself why I have to leave something I love behind yet again. I’ve lost so much. Had to leave everything else behind. This is the last vestige of my former life and I love the club/activities. He’d left the club long before our separation but I know is socially involved with a few of the members. I’ve raged but now feel resigned. Trying not to care is kinda like “not thinking about a banana”!! Once it comes to mind; all those punishing emotions swell up and I feel the pain all over again. (narc supply by proxy I call it) I want this to stop; I want them to stop. I’m tired of triangulation and it’s effects on me. I’m not gonna take it anymore. I’m working on trying to not let them hurt me over & over again. I want to turn these emotions into positive ones FOR ME !! ENOUGH!! I need suggestions for things to do to get positive. Leave the club? State my case then leave? Meet with them? Stay but change my relationship w/them…..ex: less involvement? Ignore, leave it all behind and stop caring about the lies they are telling?
    Overall,, I am trying to live a full & active life. I find the distraction & involvement to be renewing, refreshing, and I care less about what’s behind me. Living in the moment and future is my goal. It’s just those constant reminders that drag me down sometimes. I am shocked at myself having such strong separation anxiety w/this club. I would miss MY friends and I grieve that.
    This triangulation is the LAST thing that danged narc is gonna do to me. I want control.

    • lahstar215@hotmail.com'
      Anonymous
      April 25, 2014

      I would suggest turning to God-who is pure love..Listen to people who are preaching Gods love and grace and that you were created in God’s image & nothing anyone says or does to you will ever change this. I had a family I loved and had to let them all go bc they were all under the narcissistic/triangulation/manipulation of my mother. God will heal the grief, pain and sorrow. Call prayer lines when the pain gets overwhelming..You are not alone. Immerse yourself in Gods love & study and find people who speak to your heart. You-Tube videos-God has lead me to Joseph Prince, Judith Macnutt, Joyce Meyer, Wayne Dyer: find whatever/whoever speaks to your heart..As Melanie says-once you get healed you will draw healthy, spiritual people who are genuine and who love and celebrate you for who you truly are..It’s a journey so be gentle with yourself…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Marian,

      my work is not about the outer logic..

      It’s about the truth…

      The truth is there is a young wound in you being triggered, hence why all of this has happened..

      It is very true that if you don’t go inwards to get conscious and work it out you will be left with the pain of the wound ‘And thinking about the banana”.

      Then you can move away, go somewhere else, but it will happen again – because wherever you go the wound goes with you..

      Unless you go within and work out what is being generated.

      If you did that – then your outer circumstance HERE would change – or anywhere you went.

      That’s the ONLY control you have over this – or any circumstance..

      Mel xo

  • romancer2323@gmail.com'
    Lorrie
    April 24, 2014

    It’s amazing to me that you seem to post the information I need at just the right moment it is needed. I honestly believe the Source led me to you and I am really beginning to feel empowered rather than dredging up the familiar blanket of misery and victimization that I used to wrap myself in. It doesn’t make me feel good about myself to blame him anymore. It feels better to release the guilt for being his victim and say these words as often as possible — HE DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE. I know he will never feel guilt or remorse for anything, and I know I am not responsible for his pain. It is not my fault that he is unable to fill his own empty soul with love. I do not pity him, I realize I was in love with someone who did not exist, and I don’t care what his friends, family and new wife think of me. I am learning to believe in myself, to heal the broken little girl inside of me that felt abandoned and worthless as a child. You have been instrumental in assisting me to see the truth. And once you see the truth, you can’t turn your back on it any longer. I allowed myself to be treated with disrespect and abuse in trade for the tiny crumbs of affection that were thrown my way. I wanted to believe in true love so badly that I compromised my true self and defended or made excuses for the Narcissist to keep him in my life for 37 years. I refuse to acquiesce to the lies any longer. I am a strong, capable, educated woman with the ability to love myself more and better than he ever did. I have lost nothing, but rather have gained myself. Thank you so very much for helping me to find the way to healing freedom.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Lorrie,

      that is so beautiful that you are moving out of the victimisation model into your True emancipation..

      I am so happy for you, and I am so pleased my material could help!

      It’s absolutely true – there is no greater joy than finding our way to true emotional freedom..

      Mel xo

    • drholistic@hotmail.com'
      MARITZA REGALADO
      June 30, 2018

      THANK YOU LORRIE:
      I PRINTED THIS & TAPED IT IN FRONT OF ME
      I ALMOST FELL….& MAYBE DID…TO A CERTAIN DEGREE…
      FOR NOTHING…..B/C WHEN SAW HIM….
      WHAT I SAW WAS NO LONGER WHAT I REMEMBERED, OR HAD IDEALIZED,
      WHEN ROSE COLORED GLASSES FALL OFF,
      I WAS CONFRONTED WITH A PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A MAN, SON, HUSBAND & FATHER…
      FAILED AT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM…INCLUDING FRIEND.

  • blh1957@yahoo.com'
    brenda
    April 24, 2014

    It is amazing to me as I struggle to break free from many years of abuse from my Narcissist husband, how often I turn to sites like this for guidance and find exactly the words I need to hear to help me thru the next phase of healing. Sites like yours literally save lives and rebuild souls by giving us the tools to repair our damage and the knowledge that we are not crazy or worthless. Thank you for the changes you are helping me to make in myself and the strength to keep driving forward towards a better future.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Brenda,

      You are very welcome!

      We aren’t worthless, just needed to value ourselves and commit to our healing 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jensimhen@gmail.com'
    Jennifer Cockerham
    April 24, 2014

    Melanie,
    thank you. I’ve lived it, uncovered my own issues, I’m healing and in the process of letting go.
    But, I feel a deep sense of pity and horror, at what must have been so traumatic of a childhood that it caused this kind of mutated thinking.
    He was my friend and husband for 25 years. Abusive, toxic intermingled with what I felt was good enough for a person like me.
    I am well now…but he is in hell and will never leave. It can be crushingly sad for me..knowing..while I move on with our children…it’s releasing the hand of my drowning friend…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Jennifer,

      that can be very common..NARP Module 6 is all about releasing and healing those types of deep sorrowful attachments..

      They used to be very big for me too…

      What you need to do is drop deeply inside and find out ‘what is this really about’…and then you will be able to release that..

      Mel x

  • sherineprice@gmail.com'
    Diane
    April 24, 2014

    Thank you for this article. It is very well written and very helpful to me and my situation. I “knew” I was being triangulated but didn’t know how to step out of it until I got some help from websites like yours, authors, Facebook groups, therapist, etc. My situation is with a mother and a sister. I let myself get sucked back in when a family member pressured me to “work things out” with the sister… I wanted to please this family member… so I reached out to the sister again and it didn’t go well. I’m so confused, though, about it because I can’t figure out who the narcissist is and who the proxy is. Is there a way to distinguish this? or perhaps they are both narcissists? they are trying to make me believe that I am the narcissist/borderline/paranoid delusional/etc problem and they are the victims. that has made it all even more confusing to me. How do I clarify this and stop questioning myself? It’s driving me crazy. I am in NO CONTACT with them now but they are still in my “head”. How do I get them out and move on with my life? It’s so hard to let go of the fantasy that it will all work out with them somehow and make certain people understand that that is just not going to happen and that is not an option. It’s so hard to let go of the anger and hurt for how they have stigmatized me and my reputation with everyone I know or will ever know. I have struggled with what to tell people when they ask about my mother or sister… it always seems to make ME look like the bad guy. Know what I mean? Please help. Thanks : )

    • lahstar215@hotmail.com'
      Anonymous
      April 25, 2014

      The only way I could do it is to keep turning to prayer lines for prayer, to ask the holy spirit to help and to turn on you tube-in those difficult times and listen to teachings of love, grace & who I truly am in God. the people I listen to regularly Melanie of course, Joyce Meyer (she was abused by her father & her 1st husband I think was a narcissist, Joseph Prince-righteousness/grace teachings/healing, Judith Macnutt-psychologist in Boston who also has a healing ministry in Florida, Wayne Dyer’s teachings-he exudes love.gentleness. Just like God brought Melanie amazing wisdom and insight to me-he uses you=tube to bring the “right” teaching at the right time. Just remember, Gods love is eternal & his love for you & your identity in him as you were created in his image is far greater than anything mortal man can do to you. My narcissistic mother enlisted an army of family members to attack me & now I realize that all of them put together is no match for gods love for me..Hope this helps…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Diane,

      I want to go straight to the truth for you – we actually can never work out who and what they are – until we work through our emotional stuff in there..

      And that means what are your childhood wounds that are being triggered here…The reality is your healthiest place would be to pull back and make the firm commitment to yourself than unless things feel wholesome you won’t engage.

      You are a scapegoat clearly – and this has gone on since you were very young..

      It is these young wounds that need to be up-levelled that are catching you up in this experience and re-generating it…

      When we have trapped painful emotions stuck in our body on young trauma – that is what the Field continues to deliver and we continue to hand our power over showing up in ‘the event’ from the young wounded (not-healed) centre.

      And then we try to work out and fix ‘The Field’ instead of healing and releasing ourselves from the co-generation of it..

      NARP is what I would recommend to really heal this..cognitive talking solutions are nowhere near enough..

      Mel xo

  • autumn57_98@yahoo.com'
    Angelina
    April 25, 2014

    Thank you Melanie, after being involved with a narcissist for 4 years I have struggled for so long to reach the exact place that you have described here. I am now turning my energy inward to heal myself. It has been the most painful journey of my life and it is still a struggle to not get pulled into obsessive thinking and hoping that he will come for me. I cant wait to be totally finished with this experience so that I can fully enjoy the rest of my life. Thank you for all you do and your help with my journey, it has been truly invaluable.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Angelina,

      I agree I don’t think there is much that could come close to the agony of N Abuse.

      Great you are turning inward to up-level the inner young wounds that were creating a False Source as your Source…

      I promise you when they are transformed you will have zero attraction or ‘neediness’ towards him.

      Definitely your life will be better than you ever imagined possible when you are sourcing ‘self’ authentically..

      Mel xo

  • jannetteburns@msn.com'
    Jannette
    April 25, 2014

    This was an “aha” moment for me. All of it is so very true. Unfortunately, I’m tired of just rolling over and accepting the abuse (continuing and repeated damage to my personal property, home and automobiles)and threats to do the same to my male friend. I have appx. $10,000 in property damage. Do I just sit back and take it for the sake of not giving him his supply? I have no physical evidence other than the fact that he continues to state he will make my life hell as he legally can unless I drop child support. I currently have an EPO out against him and a hearing in a couple of days but I know he will lie in court and make me the villain. He’s the one that filed for divorce after I threatened to do so after exposing his 10 years of infidelity to 39 women that I have on paper… there could be many more. We were married 21 years. I’m just exhausted from it all.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      HI Jannette,

      the ‘stuff’ is no where near as valuable as winning your soul…

      If you have no physical proof, the deal is you may have to cop a loss in physical / material terms..

      It isn’t until we do the self-reflect – What was my healing lesson? – How do I create my own evolution? – that we take the greatest gift..

      If we do, then our potential and our expansion and flourishing becomes unlimited…we are free to create our real life..regardless of ‘what’ it took to get to this self-liberation..

      Then what we ‘lost’ pales into insignificance with the True Self we have gained..

      In fact it was all part of ‘the gift’…

      That’s the lesson..

      Mel xo

  • laface2010@yahoo.com'
    LuAnn
    April 25, 2014

    Well this certainly was a trigger. I did experience this in an “intimate” entanglement (relationship) but my pain from triangulation revolves so much more around my family of origin (FOO).

    1)The Persecutor = my sister

    2) The Rescuer = my mom

    3) The Persecuted = me

    However it is twisted because I’m thinking that my mom has an interest in keeping us in our roles. It’s the only thing that make sense right in what the ‘reward’ for my mom would be to triangulate with her two daughters?

    I don’t know, maybe mom knows that my sister is the nasty b she is and the reward is to just keep the peace and that pretty much adds up to a control issue now doesn’t it?

    Gotta keep each family member in their role.
    Makes me sick and I’m even more glad after reading your article here to be OUT!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi LuAnn,

      that trigger is telling you there is still stuff inside you to heal on this!

      Great opportunity to heal and up-level ‘something’!

      Mel xo

      • laface2010@yahoo.com'
        LuAnn
        April 26, 2014

        Yes, so true.
        I am wondering…do you encourage during the healings to keep writing if we’re not finished when you start talking again? or to stop at that point?

        Seems I still have stuff to write most of the time when you come back on to talk again.

        What is your take on what would be more helpful.
        Thanks.

        Oh and thanks for writing this article. In my trigger reaction I forgot to tell you that.

        It really did help to clarify some things I hadn’t really looked at and raised a question or two as well.

        Kinda seeing my mom as one of the persecutors is a hard pill to swallow at first. The more I learn the more I realize how toxic the fam dynam really is/was.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 26, 2014

          Hi LuAnn,

          absolutely pause the healing and keep writing if there is more to ‘get down’ before the shift…

          You are so welcome LuAnn…

          Keep shifting it out of your body!

          You are very close to some big breakthroughs…and make sure when you are feeling in that you really claim the ‘vulnerable emotion’ within you that reacted to the ‘what hurt’..

          That way you will get the most powerful release and shift..

          Mel xo

          • laface2010@yahoo.com'
            LuAnn
            April 28, 2014

            The feeling part is where I’m stuck. I’m still numbing. It’s so frustrating.

            It must be my ‘lovely’ ego still trying to protect me? Or maybe it’s afraid and holding me back? Or both.

            If I keep going with these modules, do you suppose I will finally have that emotional break through? I expect that when (if) it happens there will be quite the flooding of tears.

            Which would be quite the release and I would love it to happen (my true self that is). But the ‘block’ feels so huge.

            It’s tough to get shifts when I know the full feeling isn’t coming through as I’m doing the modules.

            Any other suggestions? Has anyone else experienced this?

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            April 28, 2014

            Hi LuAnn,

            Yes it can be common..

            There are discussions and help that go on with this exact topic in the NARP member’s forum that will really help you.

            Here is the sign up to access the forum

            https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member/

            Mel xo

    • jennieskrobisz@gmail.com'
      jennie
      May 3, 2014

      LuAnn, can I ask where you got that icon, the swirly?

      I ask because the narc relationship I’m recovering from, he had the exact same swirl design. on everything. said it was an original design he created when he was a child. put it on all his artwork, his pottery, drew it on djembe, had it tattooed on his ankle, was proud of his “trademark” and here it is in pixelated black and white and I’m aghast. well… really, not THAT surprised it’s one more lie but…wow. what a lie!

      • sophia1979@hotmail.co.uk'
        Aliana
        November 8, 2014

        Hi Jennie,
        That symbol is called a Triskele and is an extremely well known ancient Celtic symbol, found in artwork, monuments and stone circles etc. The audacity of your Narc to lie with such impunity is astounding! Hope that helps

  • h.guidolin@gmail.com'
    heather guidolin
    April 25, 2014

    Thank you,Thank you , Thank you! Talk about the right time to read this. Like so many I can’t believe how you so accurately describe my life with the narc and how the explanations for behaviour make so much sense. It helps me keep up my strength and provides the info i need to make the right decisions.
    I have just returned home from an information seminar on Mickel therapy to try and assist my teenage daughter’s chronic fatigue situation. Ive painfully realised how her narc father and sister have so much to do with her condition as well as the conflict in our household. Its about first identifying then clearing the emotions and energy attached that create the symptoms. As so many unhealthy emotions are created as a result of narc abuse, i wonder how it may increase the likelihood of energy disorders like chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia conditions? have you discovered an increase in such illnesses as a result of narc abuse? Your Quanta freedom healing techniques, although a totally different and unique method of addressing change in our bodies, may work in a similar way based upon these principles too because it addresses emotional energy and clearing it from being stored in our cells which can create illness or symptoms as the bodys way of letting us know we need to work on some stuff. Sorry about grammar and such but its late and i just wanted to ask about what i had learnt tonight out of curiosity.
    thanks heather

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Heather,

      I am so glad this article resonated..

      Correct that therapy is totally ON the right (and only) path!!

      It is about clearing the energy – the E-motions (energy in motion)to heal anything..

      Because everything is created at that level..

      QFH is exactly that principle.

      All dis-ease starts as trapped emotions in the body as emotional pain and then turns physical to finally gain attention if not made conscious.

      QFH can be used for all dis-ease, emotional and physical – and I am so passionate about parents clearing their abuse to shift their children’s issues.

      Their energetic frequency begins with us. If we heal they have a much better chance at getting well.

      With QFH (NARP) you can also surrogate your children’s matrix in healings to do healings directly on them using your ‘body’.

      It is very powerful.

      Mel xo

  • jphotrodchoppers@gmail.com'
    john
    April 25, 2014

    Thank u so much I was with somebody for 5 years and she never came home from work one day and I found her a couple days later she said she was going to call me and when I ran into her at a mutual friends she was with another guy she said she was on her way to my house needless to say we got back together will head to hear all the dramatic thing well I found out she was pregnant by this guy I confronted her and that was the last I was able to that person Lee talk to her I was cheating on her she was saying anyways I would is emotionally spiritually crushed and I ran across your site and I gotta say I think you I love you and you saved my life I thought it was all me so she had said then I realize now I was just abused in and I was just an object thank you so much

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi John,

      you are welcome, and I am so pleased my information is helping you!

      Mel xo

  • neringa.atkinson@gmail.com'
    Neringa
    April 25, 2014

    I wholeheartedly agree with Bj, who wrote:

    “I would love to see more on how this applies to relationships between adult children and their parents.”

    This article was very synchronistic with my recent experience this past weekend, where I was exposed to a different type of triangulation.

    This triangulation involved my adult daughter, who lives far away from the both of us. And this form of triangulation did not involve smearing and bad mouthing, because the narc knews that would not work with my daughter, who is very close to me.

    Rather, this form of triangulation involved playing upon the rescuer’s — my daughter’s — sympathies, and manipulating her to FILL IN THE BLANKS.

    My daughter and I have always been very close. She moved away from home for the first time 8 months ago, and we agreed to meet last weekend for a 3-day event taking place in another city.

    With the exception of a major scrap of trouble she ran into on her way to meet up with me, we had a glorious weekend together. Our focus was solely on the joy of reconnecting, bonding, and having fun.

    But in between the scrap of trouble and the fun part of our time together, my daughter mentioned that her dog that’s staying with the narc (who lives a mile from me) got a great “report card” from the Pet Hotel, where the narc kenneled her when he went on an out-of-town trip.

    I used this opportunity to segue into the subject of her having made arrangements for her dog should the narc get hospitalized, which was always a possibility due to his physical and mental health issues. In fact, he is a “frequent flier” when it comes to psychiatric hospitalizations.

    The reason for my asking was that when the narc was first served divorce papers last year, he developed (once again) suicidal ideations, and checked himself into a psych hospital, where he remained for 3 weeks.

    I was concerned — not for him, but for my daughter’s dog — about the potential of that happening again, especially since he will be getting a notice from the court concerning a very sizable pension fund — that I didn’t even know existed — that he cashed out last year and did not disclose to the court as required.

    (According to the laws of the state, I have legal rights to half that money. In addition, the law deems the hiding of assets to be an illegal act. The situation is further compounded due to the fact that the agreements reached during mediation were based on fraud.)

    My daughter and I had an agreement not to discuss the narc or the divorce proceedings. And up to this point I maintained this boundary.

    However, if it weren’t for the welfare of my daughter’s dog, I probably would have not said anything — at least not right away. I knew that if I had a pet in someone else’s care, that I would also like to know of any potential threats to my pet’s welfare.

    But I also knew that not giving her a heads up would have resulted in the same reaction when she found out, after the fact, about the narc being served. She went ballistic, in other words.

    My daughter and I have always been very close and honest and upfront with each other. And I was the one she always confided in, because she felt that she could not talk to the narc about the things that were pressing on her mind. In fact, she did not feel safe talking to the narc about certain things. The both of us walked on eggshells around the narc.

    So, even though she fully supported my filing for divorce (especially since she was psychologically abused by the narc herself), she took my not giving her a heads up as a violation of the trust we had between us.

    When she heard the news of the narc receiving a notification from the court in the very near future, she immediately went into rescue mode. (She’s always been a rescuer.)

    She went from feeling that she needs to warn him of the impending notification to requesting that she be privy in previewing the court notification (which I need to review and authorize) before it gets sent to the narc because she “know[s] how he is going to take things.”

    I let her know that I did not feel comfortable with that and that I would prefer to maintain boundaries.

    She defended him, saying that he has the mind of a child and doesn’t have the insight to know what he’s doing and the consequences thereof.

    She supported him in his need for the money, because the narc had been playing on her sympathies and having her believe that he’s dirt poor.

    Never mind the fact that his monthly income is more than twice as much as mine, and that one person could live very well on that kind of money — as long as that person did not have a serious spending addiction like the narc.

    I suppose that in her line of thinking, she probably felt that it was “fair” that the narc have this money, given the sizable inheritance I received last year.

    She was so caught up in the narc’s triangulation fog that she did not see the “wrongness” and illegality of him keeping these assets hidden from everyone — even when we could have used that money when we were a hair’s breadth away from homelessness. That money would have kept us out of bankruptcy, and may have even helped us avoid losing our home to foreclosure.

    She did not see the contradiction between the narc constantly claiming poverty and his having had that money all along.

    I was SO tempted to remind her of how terribly she felt when the narc abused her, and the debilitating effects caused by the stress she experienced whenever she was under the same roof as the narc.

    (She had to withdraw from school for awhile because the stress of narc’s extreme devalue and discard caused her grades take a nose dive. And being forced to withdraw from school was very traumatic for her.)

    I was SO tempted to point out to her the contradictions and inconsistencies between the narc’s words and his actions.

    But I knew that if I did all of the above — or even some of the above — that it would have had the opposite result of that which I was seeking. I knew that she would reject everything that I would say, and that that would drive a wedge between us — which would be the ultimate coup for the narc, especially seeing how very close my daughter and I are.

    The simple fact was that she was not yet ready to face the truth about the narc because she was still under his manipulative influence. She’s blindly navigating in the F.O.G. of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.

    She doesn’t see that she’s been played by the narc — that she’s just another tool to manipulate. And while she may readily admit to being a rescuer, she doesn’t see the narc exploiting her misplaced sense of loyalty.

    Thus, she became extremely upset of what could become of the narc when justice is served. (After all, if the judge feels like he or she could sentence the narc to serve prison time, even though that would be very unlikely.)

    And when she cried: “I don’t want anything to happen to my dad!” I knew that I had to redirect the conversation.

    Thankfully, she was very easily redirectable. And from that moment on, we were able to enjoy a most wonderful weekend together with nary a breath of a thought about the narc.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Neringa,

      it is so good that you have a lovely relationship with her…

      It truly is always the same dynamic though…

      We can’t control and enforce our desires on the people we love – but we can shift our fear and pain in regard to them and ‘see’ that their wisdom is steering them beautifully.

      As an example years ago my son was seeking a religion and the choice of one he was checking out with some people was not to my liking…

      In fact I was terrified he was going to be brainwashed, and in my estimates it wasn’t ‘healthy’ for him…

      My initial conversations were not going down well with him – in fact they were only making him more determined to go..

      I knew that was futile..

      I KNEW better..

      So I let go, did the QFH shifts on my own subconscious fears about him, let go and aligned myself with the beautiful space of knowing he had an inner being guiding him magnificently.

      After two meeting he walked away from the Group – totally resolved it wasn’t for him, and I had the wonderful peace even before that happened knowing his journey was working out powerfully.

      If we ever want to influence the people we love, we can only ever do that by addressing ourselves…it is the fundamental Law of energy and the Universe…our power is ONLY ever within..

      Your daughter’s journey is hers and your responsibility is ONLY your emotional frequency…

      Mel xo

  • Belindalouwho@gmail.com'
    Lucy
    April 25, 2014

    I loved this post, however, what about those who are not angry or upset about what the narcissist is doing (slander and character assassination), but just want them to stop? I am not interacting with him in any way whatsoever, but I am still being targeted by him. Recently, he tried to have me fired by telling blatant horrible lies to me employer, to no avail. It seems he will not stop with his targeting of me, despite me NOT engaging or responding whatsoever. What now??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Lucy,

      it’s the same deal..

      “What unhealed wounds within me are setting me up to be punished by someone who WON’T stop?”

      This is about feeling deeply into ‘the trigger of pain’ him still attacking brings up for you – and really asking yourself “How old is this part of me?”…”Where did this first come from and what is it about?”

      As a child what does this relate to?

      He is doing what he is doing because you have not healed the wound that is the other half of the magnet..

      When you do, he will have nothing to attack you with.

      The issue is many people believe you have to ‘see’ something to believe it, rather than realising energy exchange is what is responsible for the complete organisation of life.

      Go within, and commit to that discovered and self-liberation and he will be gone…as well as any possibility of this in the future.

      That is what evolving our life is about…and where our TRUE power is.

      Mel xo

      • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
        Lucy
        April 27, 2014

        Yes, but what IS this ‘energy exchange’? You make it sound as though he’s a mind-reader, and that’s the most chilling thing I could imagine!
        I know the world is energetic; I’ve felt the ‘flow’ of truth, the purity of love (only briefly, but it was enough). But I can’t reconcile that uplifting energy ‘from elsewhere’ with whatever energy I might or might not be ‘exchanging’ with some human idiot from 20 years ago.

        I ran into his elderly father the other day (poor old fellow didn’t know where to look, I felt like saying, ‘cheer up, it’s all lies, whatever he told you’). The energy is always the same. Resentment. Regret that I let him get so much as a toe in my door.

        Is THAT the energy you mean? Does he ‘know’ my resentment and feed off it? Or am I just vibrating resentment at the moment (I am!)and drawing all my other resentments in? I’d hate to think he was conscious of me resenting him.

        I’m not the Lucy who posted above, incidentally, but I chanced upon this blog 12 months ago, and posted the same question under the same name.

        I’m not sure I’ve progressed very far since then.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 27, 2014

          Hi ‘Lucy’,

          okay lets keep this simple, because the truth always is..

          If you were the energetic generator of your entire life experience – this would mean the state of your Inner Identity (beliefs about yourself, life and others) would create your emotional foundation.

          If you have wounds within that you have never been able to face, heal and evolve yourself from – then these trapped E-Motions (energy in motion) have a life of their own.

          If the inner wounds do not get your attention for you to go inwards and help them – then that painful emotional energy is spreading out into The Field – into life.

          Now the ‘you’ that you are not helping is going to come to ‘you’ in The Field..

          Via other people, and events.

          Additionally you are showing up in these events from a wounded Inner Identity Centre, not a healed solid centre – thus perpetuating and co-creating these painful events – because of your unconscious parts fuelling them.

          The people and events showing up are CATALYSTS…if ‘he’ had not turned up in your experience another ‘he’ ‘her’ ‘them’ or ‘they’ would..

          Life is reflecting back to us everything about ourselves… what we have healed (‘that’ goes well) or what we have not healed (‘that’ does not go well)..

          So it’s actually never about ‘them’…its about the message ‘they’ bring us..

          And there is only one thing ever to clean up to change our Life – US…and it always starts from where it is all being generated – within..

          I hope this helps, and you may realised why you have not progressed…

          Mel xo

          • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
            Lucy
            April 27, 2014

            Thank you. You are very generous with your replies.

  • sarahgandkevinb@att.net'
    Sarah
    April 25, 2014

    Yes, this was a hallmark of the narcissistic relationship. I finally ordered the NARP program and so glad I did.

    I went through the disbelief and grief…even a year after the discarding, I was still saying “how could you do that” and almost every day I would ask, “WHEN is this pain going to stop?”, just thinking one day I would wake up and feel better. NOPE! Not until I owned up to my role and old wounds and embraced healing did it make a difference.
    And the whole psychic invasion thing…just creepy and so strange to really feel how this person is taking over the mental space of another. It really is evil.
    I really wanted to help this person and this is how they respond? Its so backwards to our normal logic, but now I realize its a totally predictable pattern for them.

    The meditations and shift exercises are an amazing way to move past this pain and victim thinking,and into the real work of healing myself. I now feel like I can begin to trust myself and others, and more confident I will be able to spot N’s from a distance. In fact, TV has taken on a whole new meaning for me as you can just pick up the “red flag” behaviors and phrases- its kind of funny now.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Sarah,

      that is great you are on NARP, and now finding and evolving these wounds.

      You are on your way ‘home’ to you and then NO more pain or abuse! Yay!

      Mel xo

  • bcuerden@gmail.com'
    becca
    April 25, 2014

    Here is a small list of the types of inner wounding that commonly leads us to attract and be persecuted in triangulation.
    Believing your worth is dependent on approval from others, rather than loving and approving of yourself. As a child being scapegoated, blamed and distrusted.
    Believing you will ‘die’ or feel like you are ‘dying’ because the person who you thought was the source of your life is now demonising you.
    Carrying the young inner wounds of terror of being punished (or even annihilated) because of something you have done.
    Carrying the young inner wounds of terror that you will lose things or people dear to your heart because of something you have done.
    Being triggered with the intense young inner panic “I have to change crazy people from being crazy so that I can be safe.”

    Wow, naming the wounds is huge. Two of them resonate so powerfully for me. And they crippled me in my marriage of 22 years to the N. Knowing what these are, I can focus on the healing, and apply the appropriate ‘medicine’ from the NARP program. Melanie, you are amazing. If there is more on this topic that comes to your mind, please do us all a favour and expand on it!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Becca,

      so glad you are really connecting to the inner parts you need to heal..

      The great thing is you actually don’t need me to find your wounds…you have the absolute ability to just drop into what hurts, open your body, and ask and feel – and all your personal answers are there.

      My articles can prompt and give ‘clues’ but they are nowhere near as insightful as what your Inner Being is in your experience..

      You have the tool and the process, so really start trusting that!

      Mel xo

  • tdalessio@earthlink.net'
    Traci
    April 25, 2014

    As someone had said earlier, it is amazing the issues you post are always spot on what I need to hear at that particular moment.

    I’d written earlier regarding narc relationship (actually it was a triangulation with 2 narcissists simultaneously – one my romantic/business partner, and the other both our business partner). That particular drama has been done for about 10 months now with no contact, however, as that was ending I engaged in a short-term business contract with someone who, while presented differently from the past two, also had N tendencies (among drug addiction, delusions of grandeur, night terrors and a whole host of other psychological issues – geese, I know how to attract em’!). Long story short, the business relationship ended due to lack of funding on their part, but I had already known that this situation wasn’t healthy due to the people and business structure, so while the $ came in handy just in time, I’m now aware enough to detach and walk away when I see/smell it coming. My discernment is becoming much more refined!

    However, because I am empathic and am on the path to help heal others (yes, while first healing myself …), I find people like this are attracted to me for that healing. So now I find the above mentioned individual reaching out to me for help, as his life has imploded (extreme narcissistic injury, professionally & personally), and he’s desperate. And of course I now see exactly what’s happening – including him attempting to drag me in as the rescuer (which came rushing home to me as soon as I read this article).

    My question to you is this: your work has focused primarily on healing the co-dependent side of the equation so that we don’t continue to attract that energy into our lives. But what about those other lost souls who SO DESPERATELY need healing, but are so unconscious that they can “almost” never admit they need help (barring the small windows of opportunity where/when a narcissistic injury occurs). I suppose we can all walk away and concern ourselves only with our own healing, which is critical and necessary for our own health, but if we truly embrace the principle that we are all One, and that the N is the flip side of our coin, completely separating ourselves from these types of people is tantamount to disowning our own darker side(s) – and from my understanding of universal principles, that will only serve to attract more of them & those situations. So I suppose what I’m asking for myself and probably others in the healing arts who read & follow your work, once we feel strong and healed enough ourselves, how can we help those in need (when and if the opportunity arises) without further being drawn into their drama and being damaged ourselves? I sometimes feel that while we may be saving ourselves, we’re leaving that drowning man/woman in the deep end to be devoured by their own sharks (demons) because we don’t have the capacity to not get dragged under ourselves.

    We all know that very few professionally trained therapists can identify much less help the narcissist, so what’s the resolution? From my immediate personal perspective with the individual I mention above, I’ve decided to be there at arms length, not engage deeply other than to be there as a friend and for spiritual guidance, and to direct him to those I believe may be more suited to assist him (thankfully I know and have worked with some pretty spiritually gifted therapists). I’m very curious to hear your position on “healing the narcissist”!
    Thanks for all you do –
    Traci

    • neringa.atkinson@gmail.com'
      Neringa
      April 25, 2014

      The best way you could help others is to help yourself.

      Put yourself in the shoes of someone who needs help. How would you have reacted to someone helping you? How would have you reacted to being shown the different ways the narc is abusing you? Would you even have been able to acknowledge and accept the fact that the narc did not give a rat’s patootie to you?

      Most people involved in narcissistic relationships, especially during the early stages did not accept such help. They did not want to believe something that awful about the narc.

      After all, the narc’s behavior goes way beyond human decency and comprehension. No one wants to believe that a fellow human being could be guilty of such atrocious behaviors, especially when one is in love with such a person. These people are under a powerful spell that clouds their minds, and no exposure to the truth will break that spell.

      When the window of opportunity does arise, all you can do is offer support and validation, and suggest powerful healing tools, such as NARP. The rest is up to that person to accept or reject as he or she sees fit.

      Continue to hold them in the light, but not so much that it compromises your healing. Basically, release your intention to the Universe, to Source.

      And in the meantime continue working on raising your own vibrations. According to the Law of Attraction, like attracts like. Therefore, similar vibrations attract each other.

      If your vibrations are high, then those who have lower vibrations will either have to raise their vibrations to match yours or they will have to leave, because high vibrations repel low vibrations. And hopefully if it’s our loved ones at stake, they will want to raise their vibrations so that they could continue enjoying being with you.

      No one can force healing down another’s throat.

      Plus, we aren’t privy to the whys and wherefores of someone being in a narc relationship. Perhaps there was a soul agreement to experience such challenges in order to attain deeper knowledge and wisdom, or even to learn greater compassion. To interrupt that lesson would be to interrupt a person’s growth and evolution.

      Sooner or later, the person will reach rock bottom where he or she will reach out for help. There are many who will be in the narc “classroom” for unbelievably long times, such as myself (who’s been in a narc relationship for nearly 30 years), before they are ready to take the next step.

      Healing is not a timeline. And all proceeds at its divine pace.

      But that’s not to say that it’s a cakewalk, both from the experiential side and from the observer’s side. Both are horrifically painful things to experience and witness, especially when it is a loved one who’s stuck in the muck of abuse.

      I wish there were a quick and easy way to help someone. Heck! I’d be the first in line if there were such a thing.

      Peace

      Also, this presents marvelous opportunity to explore our own codependency in our wanting to help and “fix” others.

      • neringa.atkinson@gmail.com'
        Neringa
        April 25, 2014

        Oops! Forgot about and didn’t see that last sentence.

        “Peace” should have gone at the very end, not before that last sentence. LOL

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Traci,

      okay let me grant you this…

      People that are sourcing healthily raise consciousness – they do not ‘rescue’..

      And what I mean by that is they enter the field flowing source through them to expand the field.

      Narcissistic individuals enter the field sucking from it and diminishing it.

      The most loving thing anyone can ever do is source authentically and add to Life in healthy ways…in other words bring light in and glow it…

      Picking up people who are sucking life (quasi life) only means your light gets sucked into them, you get disconnected from Source and start falling into the illusions that this person is your Source..

      You FEED the black hole..and FEED the virus narcissism…

      You also have just been disconnected from bringing light to the Field..because it is all being sucked into the Black Hole..

      This diminishes consciousness everywhere..

      So how do we help a Black Hole…

      Stop feeding it any energy that allows it to continue being a Black Hole

      Starve it, so that it may make the decision to invert itself, take responsibility for healing the wounds that made it a Black Hole and start generating its own connection to Source authentically..

      If we DON’T do that, we are NOT helping anything, not them, not us, not life, and not other people Who the Black Hole will go on to abuse and destroy..

      If we want to heal narcissism – STOP, STOP, STOP feeding it, and instead glow light and be an extension of Source, Sourcing from Source, and bringing Source to the Field..

      NOT feeding Black Holes (any attention), which creates more anti-life, more dis-ease and more narcissism…

      That is the ONLY resolution to stop narcissism being inflicted down the generations infecting person after person after person..

      Is that clear?

      Mel xo

  • marygn3@gmail.com'
    Mary
    April 25, 2014

    Melanie,
    Thanks for your blog. I truly appreciate your wisdom, and relate to this piece (triangulation) of being abused. My abuse was emotonal, mental and eventually became physical. After he hit me, he and I continued to interact, because he wanted me to help him as he went through ” his recovery” he did begin therapy and said he wanted to get better. I was suffering from the aftermath of all his abuse and the final physical attack, I was fearful, wounded, suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, yet he wanted me to help him. Now looking back I can see how sick and unhealthy it all was.
    Durng this time I watched him find and align the next supply for him. He met her at a music festival we attended together and befriended, hung out with and exchanged numbers with her all while he was supposedly there to “try to put the pieces back together” with me.
    After that he saw me and her at the same time, when I finally confronted him he became violently angery and defensive that I would challenge him. That day on the phone as he verbally abused me to the point of threatening to kill me, I mirrored his abuse right back word by word and for that moment in time became the monster that he was.
    I have since withdrawn myself from my abuser and progressed through my healing journey.
    I have had no contact for 8 months(other than running into him and his girlfriend)at public events. I am healed and so thankful for the experience and the lessons learned that have brought me from an unconscious state to one of strength and a higher level of consciousness. I Am.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Mary,

      That is great that you have seen it for what it is, and taken the gift and the lesson.

      And gorgeous that you now honour you..

      Mel xo

  • claudine.basson@gmail.com'
    Claudine
    April 25, 2014

    I love the part about the Field of Life presenting the same situations until we don’t give energy to them.
    Thanks for raising this. It reminds me that if I continue to ignore the communications from the narc because I see them for what they are – attempted hooks – then the Field of Life will stop presenting them when I have no energy / reaction to them. I’m making progress! I still react for now but slow and steady does it. I will get there.
    Great post with some a-ha moments. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Claudine,

      it is so true..

      The deeper truth is it is not just about reacting – it is about asking yourself “What is my inner wound that is being triggered?”

      When you really clean that up, then there will be no wound to react…

      Just a complete solidness and peace instead..

      Mel xo

  • 3maeve@gmail.com'
    Nive
    April 25, 2014

    I’m so glad it’s all way past me… Unfortunately I can’t do no contact completely because of a child I have with my narcissistic ex, but on the other hand I can watch his attempts at using me for triangulation that won’t work this time, because I have the necessary distance and a new life. He still thinks he can leech something from me, I’m quite sure he uses me as a kind of virtual point in a triangle with his new supply sources. It’s hard to believe someone’s life can just go on like that, creating all the unnecessary mess and tension. I actually think he prefers such life over anything stable, same scenario over and over again. It’s always been his family and him, his friends and him, his female “friends” and him against little isolated me. A virtual mass of people, sane, successful, confident… who know better. He wrote letters posing as other people too. It was an endless stream of lies.
    Well, that’s over and life is so much better now 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Nive,

      yes it is narcissistic reality – the inner chaos projecting as outer chaos.

      It keeps the inner enemy on the outside to always do battle with, rather than self-heal.

      Not Your Reality! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • law37377@yahoo.com'
    Lisa
    April 25, 2014

    I cried reading this. I have never heard of the label “triangulation” until your article. My ex husband fits the description of a covert narcissist. My divorce from him was final 3 years ago and the legal battles are ongoing to this day. It has all but destroyed me at times. When I ended the marriage after 16 years of silently suffering, his rage was as you would expect. What I didn’t see coming was how masterfully he manipulated my parents, played victim, accused me of an affair, of mental illness, and they ultimately took his “side”. The triangle is completed with my mother and father as his rescuers. They are the emotional trump card he still plays when he gets desperate. They were the perfect pawns – my mother is a functioning alcoholic and suffers from severe anxiety, my father is the classic enabler. There are also two young girls (my daughters) involved. I do not know how to address this crisis given the family dynamics. I have been estranged from my parents since they voluntarily came to court and testified about the loving father my ex is after the court had issued a TRO. That was 2 1/2 years ago. The emotional pain from all of it has been very difficult to bear. I continue to read in search of better understanding.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Lisa,

      I can imagine this would be incredibly painful…

      Please consider NARP – seriously..

      Because it is the answer to the pain, and the way to heal.

      Mel xo

    • jdr.roberts11@gmail.com'
      Julie
      May 22, 2014

      Hi Lisa

      You are not alone… I have just seperated from my suspected N husband. We have a beautiful, loving, happy 19 month old son who I have raised pretty much by myself, as my husband was frequently overseas but still able to inflict abuse.

      This seperation left me emotionally ‘smashed open’ and seeing things I had never seen before. Not long after realising I had married into a very toxic family, did I realise my family was just as sick. My N husbands’ family was a mirror image of mine, we were a ‘perfect match’. Also being an empath/HSP and secret scapegoat, resulted in me being previously very comfortable wearing blame and playing the victim.

      I’m pretty sure my mother is a N too and my father is her enabler, even though they have been divorced for over 20 years. It was like a huge jigsaw puzzle being completed…no wonder my N husband was the only one of my partners who loved my mother, was just one realisation of many.

      Just after the seperation, I had this incredible awareness/awakening and inner strength and raised these triangulation and scapegoat issues calmly and rationally with my mother. The result? Mother had an N rage so bad she was scheduled involuntarily after I refused to speak to her if she continued being abusive to me in her verbal and written responses. Her text messages were sick, brimming with hatred and anything to induce guilt/blame – it dawned on me that, that just didn’t happen overnight and boy had I rocked the apple cart standing up for myself.

      Not long after, true to form and out of the blue, my father told me “we are going to help (husband) get custody of (son)” and that I have a mental health problem! He had only told me a week prior how lacking in empathy and immature my husband is. What I have is loads of healing to do and if it wasn’t for my N husband, I’m not sure I would have truly understood what has been going on and what has been my role in this.

      I have now resigned as the family scapegoat and connecting with people who abuse me. I have seperated from my husband and parents. It is such deep betrayal when you realise your parents are anything but supportive at such a difficult time, but I am now just focussed on healing myself and being ‘whole’ for my son.

      Lisa – your story really struck a chord and compelled me to post on this website for the first time. It feels very isolating, but I hope this message brings you some comfort that someone else understands your story.

      Melanie – I purchashed NARP about a month ago, a few days after ‘escaping’. Your regular emails have been so comforting and have uncannily addressed whatever I needed at that particular time.

      I was so happy just to receive these emails, like a loving, wise friend helping you through a very difficult time. I don’t really know what a “normal” relationship looks like, but you have given me hope and motivation to continue this journey, no going back now.

      I was also motivated to find a new place, where the people who I love and who love me come to visit and anyone abusive is not welcome! Your story of your place after your N experience was inspirational.

      One question – is a husband behaving post seperation blasé like nothing has happened, childish/immature like a big kid, and even somewhat happy further evidence of being an N? The blasé attitude seems to be the main feature that people who have interacted with him are struck by. Our babysitter said no one could be that way after this, not even a criminal. Maybe a N only?

      He has also continued to send me gift baskets with typed messages including happy easter & happy mothers day. My friends were dumb founded. Not sure if this is just for N supply. I have continued no contact and rely on our babysitter to communicate with him regarding our son.

      I’m pretty sure after reading your information and other articles that I have an altruistic N husband with passive aggressive traits. He appeared so caring and generous in the beginning, so I ignored some big red flags. My brother commented a year ago “he seems disconnected”, that he was the only partner I had who wasn’t one of his friends also and that he was sure he had lied to him too. I could also literally feel his self loathing, which is when the acute blaming started, eg. he said I didn’t respect him or consider him, this was not what he expected and any legitimate issues I raised were turned back on me. He was sullen and moody for no reason. His last girlfriend “had problems” and interestingly he said she talked about her childhood issues and they were the cause of their issues. Nothing to do with him.

      It’s almost like I don’t trust my gut instinct that he’s an altruistic N and that my Mum is one too. He gives money and she gives her time/caring as a nurse.

      One request – it would be great if you could post something about family of origin issues being replicated in marriage/relationships. Think there was one about narcissistic parents which was helpful.

      Now that I am in my new place, I will get cracking on the healings, very new stuff for me, but I can clearly see you are right when you say the way through this is inwards.

      Thank you again, your messages are inspirational and hopefully now life changing for me too.

      Julie

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        May 23, 2014

        Hi Julie,

        That quote ‘smashed open’ is so true – that is the greatest gift of narc abuse – what was submerged does get smashed up to the surface.

        The pattern is the pattern – our narc experiences are all about our childhood wounds.

        That is why the inner work is so vital, to locate and shift not just the abuse trauma of the narc, but also the original wounding which generated the narc into our life.

        It was the young undeveloped (wounded)parts of ourselves which allowed the unconsciousness to choose, get hooked and remain in relationships with a narcissist.

        People who were fortunate enough, as a result of their childhood, to have a solid mature self-love, self-value and healthy boundary function, and the ability to self-soothe do not have relationships with narcissists – because as soon as the cracks appear they don’t continue. The reality is energetically (Law Of Attraction) they would not be attracted to a narc in the first place.

        That is powerful what you write – “if it had not been for my N husband – I would not have realised what I’m dealing with.”

        That’s exactly the truth Julie…our unhealed wounds present again and again via ‘Life’ (people and events) to get our attention so that we CAN heal the original wound.

        It is great you are detaching, seeing the truth and focusing on your integrity and truth.

        I am so pleased my emails have helped you, and it is wonderful that you have NARP, and it is fantastic that you want to be committed to healing.

        I promise you, you do know what ‘love’ is – the very essence of you is pure love, and when you release the wounds you will know that – and the joy.

        Julie, on the journey you will start to deeply understand that trying to work out ‘more of them’ rather than releasing the pain inside us that makes us ask those questions about them – delays healing.

        To regress a little – yes that is what a narc could / would do, amongst a ton of other ‘tactics’..

        But THAT is not what is important – what is important is ‘what are my emotions about regrading this?’…and going to that inner wounds in Module 1 and releasing them – and the I promise you, you will not be ‘looking outwards’ fruitlessly wondering about him hoping that ‘hurt’ stops.

        Are you actually working the Modules ,and releasing these ‘hurts’ connected to these questions? Because it seems you are obsessing about them, and discussing these with friends rather than doing the inner work to release them, which is where your relief and emancipation lies.

        And that’s fine – of course you can do that – but it will delay your healing until you don’t.

        Julie, so, so many of my articles are about the narc abuse connection to childhood wounds (narcissistic or non-narcissistic) – that is the foundation of my work and the entire NARP Program.

        Okay just read you haven’t started NARP yet.

        Get started as soon as possible – you will truly know what I mean when you start them…It will take you to a whole new place.

        Mel xo

  • wilkinsrachelle69@googlemail.com'
    Louisa
    April 25, 2014

    I read this article with a growing sense of…OMG I was so right! I always knew what my ex was saying about other women was really unsavoury, but, felt sorry for him..!! Have been away from him, no contact for 6 weeks, and I cannot believe how different I feel,calm,anxiety gone,happy,he was a master manipulator, but,hopefully,later this year,he may well be locked away for a long time…Just desserts G.S….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Louisa,

      that is wonderful you are free, however stay really focused on you and what you need to do for you – it is early days…

      There may be a journey ahead..

      Mel xo

  • grollalion@yahoo.com'
    LauraG
    April 25, 2014

    Melanie,

    You just keep going deeper for me. I am always amazed at what Spirit is doing for my life and how you are helping so much with my “up-leveling” as you so aptly call it.

    I am reading a book called “The Trauma Bond” and Patrick Carnes talks about the three part triangulation model you talk about. Your interpretation is so helpful in that it is specific to Narcissistic abuse and your insights really brought home for me how we play these parts. What I really, really love is that I am starting to see how taking responsibility for what I manifest is always and only the answer.

    So glad for your ongoing courage, thoroughness and compassion. Your intelligence and passion make every word hit home.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi LauraG,

      you are so welcome.

      Yes, absolutely that is where our power, relief and healing is – taking our power back with 100% responsibility.

      That truth is setting you free, and when we align with that we feel our life-force come back!

      It is the way to generate a True Life!

      Mel xo

  • Jane@JaneFletcher.com'
    Jane
    April 25, 2014

    This article is just what I needed today. I woke up this morning knowing that something in my subconscious believes that I will die if I divorce my husband. I needed to KNOW that this is a common reaction to being involved with a Narc. We have been together for 35 years and I have become a total dishrag! I know that it has less to do with the Narc than with my Narc mother and her slave, my father – both long dead now. My husband is a perfect combination of the two. Although I am still totally sick inside, I have been able to alter my behavior around the Narc and I can see that he hates me more and more as I withdraw his feeding. Sometimes I actually have the impulse to run away from him and I now recognize that as a healthy impulse instead of a weakness that I need to fight against. I am 69 years old and afraid of being old and alone – but also afraid of not being able to free myself from this cycle. Melanie, I will forever be grateful for your clear and wonderful explanations and instructions.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Jane,

      it is TOTALLY common, and what causes so many people who are being abused to hang on…

      As opposed to people who DON’T carry that subconscious wound…

      It is actually that unhealed wound (as well as many others) that got us into situations of attracting and hanging on with abusers.

      Jane there is the solution available totally – and I’ve mentioned it many times on the blog today!

      Mel xo

  • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
    Quinton Edward
    April 25, 2014

    Wow Melanie,

    I just absolutely Love what you write!!!! It just resonates so well with me. I had lots of “yes, she nailed it on the head once again” moments. Like you are a fly on my wall..
    One of my good friends with pretty good boundaries was actually doubting me when I told her about the abuse that I go through with my N. I just left it and a few days ago, they had a little encounter and now she is sure that I should get away without letting him know (as I told her I am going to do). I actually had to console her the next morning as she was feeling so “destroyed” after trying to set things right with him and just getting hooked further into arguments and guilt trips. I convinced her to just let it go and explained to her once again how his mind works and then she just got this understanding and stopped participating.
    Not long anymore then I am out of this facade of a marriage!!!!!

    • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
      Quinton Edward
      April 25, 2014

      My new life is soooooo waiting for me…..but for now it is all about leaving false trails so he wont find me, working NARP and getting out 🙂

  • amanda.onions@gmail.com'
    Mandy
    April 25, 2014

    Great post with my own lightbulb moments am recovering slowly but still having a problem with getting the ex narc out of my head and excepting the fact that he seems to have it all even though he did so many wrong spiteful things any advice would be appreciated thanks to all,Oh forgot to say am in no contact at all

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Mandy,

      the solution to exorcise the narc from your head, being and life is NARP.

      It is the complete healing program for that.

      Mel xo

  • accounts@sensortemp.com.au'
    Annie
    April 25, 2014

    Hi Mel and all here,
    More thriving benefits from NARP!
    I just got word from wonderful supportive family members, that my eldest Narc brother recently attempted triangulation on them/me at a family gathering, trying to infer I was the root cause of huge problems they are facing, including my other brothers stroke after he was interviewed by police in relation to him sexually abusing me(this was the first time I had heard he had a stoke approx 3 months ago). These supportive family members did not enter into his insinuations, knowing well that the stroke is a consequence of 4 cigarettes an hour, years of alcoholism, plus the shock of having to face the abuse he created that was finally – not concealed anymore. The benefits NARP has created within me and now externally via support is wonderful. Needless to say the NARC brother didn’t succeed and went into meltdown. He showed physical and mental signs of this which where astounding/confusing to the people witnessing it.
    Thank you again and again Melanie for NARP
    Love and peace
    Annie

    • accounts@sensortemp.com.au'
      Annie
      April 25, 2014

      May I add, that after NARP, I actually do have compassion on a soul level for their health as a consequence of them not facing their true selves, but I don’t have any charge of guilt or responsibility for it what so ever! What an amazing release.I truly can feel that vindication would never have healed me in the end. Only healing those wounds, was ever going to do that and has!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 25, 2014

        Hi Annie,

        so beautiful you are experiencing the inner and outer relief..

        It does all fall into place, when we commit to the only place we have any power (within us) – and when the wounds go!!

        You are doing great!!

        (For those of you that are not familiar with Annie’s Story – she was the latest Thriver…and her story contained incredible triangulation….Annie’s results are totally consistent with when you commit to healing your own inner programs from the inside out….https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/thriving-after-narcissistic-abuse-story-14-annie/)

        Mel xo

  • carolinex@gmail.com'
    Carol
    April 25, 2014

    That was such a difficult thing to overcome… He blamed me for everything, called me horrific names, tried to turn friends and even my sister against me… And after all that, I secretly helped him by sending his CV to contacts I had after he lost his job for the second time for yelling at his superior. How typical.

    I was trying to earn his approval without even having him know what I was doing for him!

    It has been two years now. Four months ago he told me he was sorry, that he screwed up and I did not deserve all that he put me through, but all those words were spoken as if he was a salesman trying to sell a car or something. I accepted the apologies, but stopped talking to him again anyway.

    I hope it all goes away some time… I’m working on my wounds, but it still hurts so much.

    Thank you for your articles.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Carol,

      that is the devastation of N-Abuse – we all truly feel / felt it as a soul rape..

      It’s big…

      Keep going inwards, releasing and healing everything that hurts..

      That is your emancipation…and New Life that comes out of those wounds when you up-level them..

      It’s a full commitment to self..

      Mel xo

  • elvirabrooks17@yahoo.com'
    Elvira
    April 25, 2014

    Tonia, I have come out of a relationship over a year and a half ago. I find it hard to trust anyone and now am working for a Vet (my new boss) who I think is narcissist also. They seem to be popping up around me everywhere. Am I just more aware or what is going on? Do I quit my job? How do I know if my boss truly is this way? Help

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2014

      Hi Elvira,

      The truth is we are the co-generator of our own experience..

      That is what consciousness calls for, accepting and taking responsibility for that.

      This means, you are carrying wounds that will either ‘see’ and or attract abuse..until you heal you.

      Then you can know what is or isn’t wholesome and navigate your life accordingly…

      Mel x

  • mallikagoyal@sify.com'
    stronger
    April 25, 2014

    Dear Melanie, though I have been reading so many sites and experts, and each have helped, the most liberating has been your advice on emotional detachment from the N/P; thank you from the bottom of my heart.
    Also, a wonderful eye opener has been the concept that triangulation is not necessarily with another woman, it can be with an organisation!!! for almost 20 years he has triangulated me with his workplace by first dangling the carrot before me that I could work there with him, then getting me abused there so I had to leave and then continuing to work there with his own career soaring while mine nose-dived and then thrusting that fact and the organisation in my face for about 18 years… I’ve been on fire for all those years, thinking wrongly that the organisation was my enemy and responsible for my problems, not knowing the word/ concept was triangulation!!!!
    More luck, blessings and love to you!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2014

      Hi Stronger,

      I am so pleased I have been able to help you gain clarity…

      Triangulation can be with anyone, or even anything…

      I am so pleased you can now look at releasing all that trauma that you have held for so long…

      …and be free.

      Mel xo

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    April 25, 2014

    Great article Melanie. It is true that when we start creating our own life from our own energy and are not concerned with what anyone is or is not doing, that we become freer and freer to create the kind of life that is exactly what we hope for. It is also good to know that starving the N from using our energy means that we get to keep our energy sources, whatever they are, for ourselves so that we can use them for ourselves. Thanks for posting this article.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2014

      Hi Suzanne,

      it is so true that when our energy is trapped in negative emotion connected to someone else, or past events, we are very limited in our ability to create our Life now…

      So, so, so, vital to evict the energy of N-abuse from out of our bodies so that we are no longer energetically bonded to ‘what happened’ or the abuser..

      It is all about breaking free…

      You are so welcome Suzanne!

      Mel xo

  • carol.artlife@gmail.com'
    Carol
    April 25, 2014

    Hi Melanie
    this does take triangulation to a deeper level. As someone who has been a rescuer since childhood, I am now leaving this wounded part behind. Being with 2 narcs showed this up greatly. But I have also been in the rescuer position with people who are not narcissists too – believing literally that it was my job to make people feel better – even when they were not taking responsibility for themselves. NARP has helped me transform this and the whole dynamic of insecurity and lack of self worth that went with it – thanks heaps again! xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2014

      Hi Carol,

      that is so wonderful that you’re doing the inner work to release yourself from this.

      Yay! You are so welcome Carol 🙂

      Gorgeous to see Carol, another soul breaking free!

      Mel xo

  • mallikagoyal@sify.com'
    stronger
    April 25, 2014

    and, I may add here, he was also torturing everyone in that organisation, unknown to me, of course…so while people at his workplace believed he had a stable family life, I thought he had great and stable relations at work…and the relations had soured so much (thanks to him) that there was never any chance of me contacting the prganisation or vice-versa… and he had a free run for 18 odd years! Till his very public affair at the workplace brought things to a head and the two “enemies”, me and the organisation, came in contact..ha ha

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2014

      Hi Stronger,

      yes eventually the truth does come out!

      This actually tends to happen when we are healing ‘inside’…as per Annie’s post up higher..

      We gain ‘vindication’ when we no longer have any need for it…it usually happens when we have completely let go – and have done the inner work!

      Lovely you received this ‘boost’…

      Mel xo

  • vlong@y7mail.com'
    Bee
    April 25, 2014

    Thank you! This was the “tonic” I needed right now. It arrived at a time when I was feeling lost and confused about why this behaviour affects me so much. I now feel hopeful & inspired to deal with it 🙂

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    April 25, 2014

    My ex would get one of the kids upset then call me in to rescue her. Then as I tried to stop the chaos, both would turn on me and I would be the one getting demonized. I fell for this same old trick over and over for a decade. I didn’t realize I was being manipulated until we divorced and I insisted on no contact.

    She used this triangulation and it split the family apart. Some of my kids still believe I am a demon and won’t speak to me. Some won’t speak to her nor to each other.

  • nielsenlyn@gmail.com'
    lynn
    April 26, 2014

    Thank you for a great letter on this and the truth about you cannot defend yourself. You cannot. Their lies are incredibly powerful, and the more you try to clear your name the worse it gets

    Lynn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2014

      Hi Lynn,

      so true..

      And the deeper truth is the narcissist is the gigantic mirror reflecting back your fear and wounds..

      The more you try to ‘stop’ these wounds by reacting outside of yourself the more the narcissist reflects them back..

      Within the greatest ‘evil’ is the greatest lesson of ‘light’…

      Which is the consciousness to go inside and heal the wounds…that’s the wake up call.

      Mel xo

  • glinderella7@yahoo.com'
    Belinda Hunt
    April 26, 2014

    I just want to say thank you because THIS really explains why NO CONTACT is the only way to go….I do wish to say however, that the anger and pain one feels is valid and must be addressed within ourselves…doing this work, I have found it is my OWN unowned inner anger and rage at being treated so cruelly that is the key to my inner depression and lack of motivation. I am now dealing with my anger…Beverly Engles book on “Honor Your Anger” is helping me to do that with me and my therapist and in doing so, I pull that anchor out of the water and allow myself once again to get back out into open seas.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2014

      Hi Belinda,

      yes No Contact (or strictly Modified Contact if children involved) is the only way..

      Absolutely 100% the pain, fear and trauma needs to be released out of our being..

      There is very little (if any way) to just ‘do that’ cognitively…

      And recovery is an intense battle if that doesn’t happen..

      That is exactly what the NARP process is all about, there is no part of my work that is about ignoring or NOT working at releasing those wounds…

      Anger is the guarding of intense hurt – and if you drop inside and get to the young vulnerable part underneath the anger, not only does the anger go, but also the hurt, insecure damaged Inner Identity part.

      It is a direct path to work ‘inside’ directly with your subconscious..much faster and much more powerful..

      Mel xo

  • mydogrudy@comcast.net'
    Deb
    April 26, 2014

    What an incredibly timely article! And well done, Mel. You have laid the entire triangulation experience out in it’s painful authentic fashion.

    I wish I could say I did not react angrily when my narcissist hurt me, but I did. What I became enraged about was his character assassination and attack on me via repeat emails. I indeed gave him the response/supply he was seeking by finally blowing up at him, and pretty much engaging in psychological warfare.

    A thinking, emotionally intelligent person would not have behaved that way in kind. But instead of berating myself, I am now grateful for the experience. SO many doors are opening! I have found your site, and you keep popping up fantastic posts. And the universe keeps handing me the lessons and sources I need to learn them.

    For the past several weeks on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday shows, she has featured Eckart Tolle. They are discussing his book The New Earth. Last week was chapter 5, the Pain Body. This Sunday is chapter 6, Healing the Pain Body. This subject essentially circles round to some of what you discussed above. Recognize where the pain originates when a button gets pressed, recognize the energy and thoughts in that Pain Body experience, and then ….and then…get to work on healing!

    Thank you Mel, I appreciate all you do!
    xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2014

      Hi Deb,

      Thank you, and I am glad this article resonated with you!

      It truly is not about berating ourselves, it is about taking the gift of CONSCIOUSNESS, knowing it was our ‘gaps’ that the narcissist was able to trigger and use against us..

      And it is wonderful when we become conscious and grow…because it is a gift that benefits our entire future life…

      How lovely Deb that you are now on your path of expanding consciousness – that is very exciting!

      It’s so true Deb – the trauma IS trapped in our body -and if we remain unconscious and ‘just in our minds’ these trapped emotions (Energy in motion) take on a life of their own..

      They keep us bonded to the abusive events and the abuser, as well as generating ‘more’ in The Field to victimise us…

      Transforming these inner wounds (the pain body) is where our emancipation lies – it is not ‘in our heads’…

      Mel xo

  • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
    Jean
    April 26, 2014

    Thank you again Melanie! Nail on the head – this is the WORST of narcissitic abuse!

    But I am up-leveling…thank you.

    the triangulation – it’s no longer my reality.

    All my love,
    xoxo Jean

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 26, 2014

      Hi Jean,

      Yay!!! I love that you ARE up-levelling…

      Gorgeous 🙂

      Much love back!!!

      Mel xo

  • bmwstbll@yahoo.com'
    Bill
    April 26, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    First off, Thanks.

    It has been and is painful to come to terms with my unconscious role in a 7 year narc relationship but I found no other way to stay free.

    You were very correct to point out that true friends don’t support victims. And the best give you a hard shove in the right direction.

    Some friends distanced themselves through the worst of it, a dear woman friend flat refused to discuss the narc with me and told me I needed to work it out myself.

    That was painful.

    I am a drug and ETOH addict 20+ years in recovery. And now I add narcissists to my list of addictions.

    Drugs vere difficult but they were childsplay compared to confronting my core issue of parental emotional abandonment that my narc used to hold me.

    But the good news is that once I become conscious, in the beginning it was brief seconds, there was no turning back. The relationship was doomed by my growing awareness.

    Your work is a life saving gift.

    Bill

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2014

      Hi Bill,

      that is the truth…it is in the untangling and releasing of our unconscious involvement that we get free…there is no other authentic way.

      I have heard from many previous drug addicts that the addiction of N’s is far worse than even heroin..

      So I totally believe you on that!

      So happy for you that you have been able to claim your consciousness.

      Darkness cannot exist where there is a force of truth and light…which is the healing and taking back of our own power…

      In stark contrast to trying to fix or change a narcissist, which is throwing more and more of your life force down a Black Hole – literally.

      Great job!

      Mel xo

  • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
    Jean
    April 26, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    This is another one of your life changing words of wisdom. Thank you so much.

    After reading this and the comments, then sleeping on it. You keep saying ‘find the unhealed parts – then feel into them and shift it and let it go”

    I realized that I was attracted to the Narc in many ways because of money – he makes and has a LOT of money. It was great while dating. And I don’t need to tell you what happened to his generosity after being married.

    In any case, lack of money – struggle to make money to even cover the basic daily NEEDS – has been an pattern and issue from my childhood. I am really smart, work hard, am appreciative and even agreeable – I’ve been taken advantage of in the workplace and then for a very very long time – have not gotten a job, even when I am applying for very low jobs. Now I work for myself and am happy about that.

    Can you reccomend a Module to help me shift out of this?

    Thanks so much Melanie, you are a amazing. I am searching for ALL my unhealed parts – so I can up-level them and get the life of my dreams.

    Much love,
    Jean

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 27, 2014

      Hi Jean,

      Great realisation…because it is always a scared, young part of ourselves that struggles to think we can generate ‘that’ that clings on to narcs / attracts abusers (False Selves) trying to make them that source..

      You have understood and taken responsibility for that perfectly…

      Such is our ‘gaps’..

      Wonderful that you have done enough work on your inner abuse programs to want to move forward!

      There are two options here…The Empowered Self course is powerful in the moving forward phases to ferret out your limiting beliefs and uplevel them in those Modules…

      Or / and the goal setting Module in NARP is powerful for clearing resistance to anything at all..

      Set up the goal, and then really drop deeply into the resistance stopping it being a 10/10.

      The more vulnerable, open and real you get with the inner wounds and limiting beliefs the more powerfully you can claim and shift them out of your body…

      Then your Inner Identity will open up to the spaciousness and freedom of knowing, allowing and generating abundance..

      Use that as your goal to bring in the space where the wounds once were (after releasing them) “My Inner Identity is the spaciousness and freedom of knowing, allowing and generating abundance”

      Fabulous you have this desire Jean, and that you are going for gold!!

      Mel xo

      • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
        Jean
        April 27, 2014

        Thank you so much!

  • mallikagoyal@sify.com'
    stronger
    April 27, 2014

    Thank you, Meanie. Hugs!!!

  • mallikagoyal@sify.com'
    stronger
    April 27, 2014

    Thank you, Melanie. Hugs!!!

  • sdelapasture@yahoo.com'
    Patsy
    April 28, 2014

    Dear Mel,

    do you have to divorce or leave these people? I just dread divorce, even though he is everything you say – and diagnosed by more than one psychologist.
    Can we get to position of being strong enough not to be affected by them? Just asking…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2014

      Hi Patsy,

      The truth is only you can make your decision for you…

      Initially it is very hard to break away and face all of our fear, pain and insecurities..

      I can only speak from my own personal experience of knowing how much more authentic and healthy a life is without abuse, when we commit to recovery..

      And how freeing it is to not have to try to survive despite it.

      Mel xo

      • sdelapasture@yahoo.com'
        Patsy
        April 29, 2014

        Thanks for your kind reply, Mel.

        The problem is, that he is not totally malignant. If he was, it would be easy. But he takes looking after (providing for) his family very seriously and is generous and fair and a good father. He just doesn’t have any emotional synapses, and broke my heart with an affair.

        Divorce would mean selling our family home etc and the kids are very distressed. So I sit with wondering whether to stuff my needs or just make the break (with all the attendant fear pain and insecurities)… I wish my Source would just write some letters in the sky for me!!

        • sdelapasture@yahoo.com'
          Patsy
          April 29, 2014

          sorry ‘easy’ is the WRONG word, apologies to all my fellow sufferers. I meant, it would be clear.

          Do I want to live with an utterly self absorbed person who treats me as an appliance, and who will not change? Where is my Source knowledge! At the moment, I take one day at a time.

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Raeanne
    April 28, 2014

    As I continue my journey with NARP I realize how much pain is buried. I second Patsy’s question. I suspect though that although we may heal ourselves totally..if and when…that we won’t want to keep company with the Narc. Already I find everything he does to be narcy. Seems there are endless triggers and the more hurts…the more triggers. Divorce is ugly. But so is existing in a living nightmare for the rest of your life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 28, 2014

      Hi Raeanne,

      Breaking away means there is a hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel..

      Continued abuse is not that…

      Mel xo

  • metzgerm1@hotmail.com'
    Mark
    April 29, 2014

    Melanie,

    I always look forward to your emails and links to knew discussion. It also brings up pain that still sits below the surface. I didn’t want to think that I was simply trying to make the mold fit my situation but after seeking out the best professional who dealt with Character Disorders it was pointed out that I wasn’t making things up and that the emails, texts, letters and pictures pointed to an ex that is a Malignant Narcissist. There is some validation and healing that begins when affirmation presents itself and a path can be followed that begins the self-transformation to “evolve”. Your blog and modules are a blessing when we sometimes feel like we are crazy and tire of explaining the drama that continues.

    I know that you say it is not in our best interest to try to expose the Narc but as I have yet to see my children in several years due to alienation I feel that to some degree the lies and deception need to be expose to get anywhere. The current Judge isn’t stupid and I’m sure has been witness to many a visitation battle with problem parents. I just feel that some of the deception, lies and covert aggression needs to be exposed in order for a bigger bully (Judge) to see the bigger picture and rule more appropriately.

    What are your thoughts?

    Father missing his daughters

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2014

      Hi Mark,

      Absolutely you can walk a line of truth, the most important criteria is to be solid in your emotional resonance..

      Any action you take from a wound within is only going to activate more to wound you from The Field…

      That is most powerful understanding you can have in this circumstance…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • momofblackbelts@yahoo.com'
    patty
    April 29, 2014

    My narc ex seems so angry to me. but loving to his secretary he left me and 3 kids for. she claims they are madly in love. he is thoughtful, and kind with her. he was never that nice to me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2014

      Hi Patty,

      of course she feels like this initially…

      We all did…

      Give it time…

      Mel xo

  • helen@bellybirthandbeyond.com.au'
    Helen ~ Mother of Seven
    April 30, 2014

    Thanks Melanie,
    After much struggle – I totally get it now – I bought your NARP stuff in November 2012 and have not been able to focus long enough to read anything, I just read this whole article and I was able to understand and comprehend and relate to all of it. After spending the last month re-connecting in a mature yet responsible detached way with my ex re: co-parenting issues I have felt empowered by my own validation – I do not have a need to blame, I do not have a desire to make another person admit their wrongdoing, it isn’t going to happen, I can see they aren’t ready, they cannot accept what I am able to recount in detail, it is my reality and I refuse to have it questioned or discounted or dismissed, there is no need for me to convince others anymore of what happened to me/us – I am content now that I have my power back just by believing in myself and staying in integrity and being authentic, being the me I really like. I have self love. I feel like I can forgive and love my betrayers. I know I am a good person who needed to have this stripping down and rebuild my life over – yes it’s daunting, yes it’s lonely, yet somehow I feel a deep sense that I am truly what others have often described me as throughout my life “the wounded healer” and I am able to empathise with others deep dark pain and have been able to give to others during my darkest days. I realise my family loved me enough to act out these things perhaps not knowing what to do yet knowing they had to do something to wake me up and remind me of a greater task I am to fulfil. It is what it is, it is done. I do hope there can be a greater healing for my children and there can be mutual respect for all concerned in the future. I love my family very much and I miss them, if we have to be apart to ‘get it’ whatever that ‘it’ is then so be it. Finding it difficult to find the words as I’m processing this stuff so fast out of the blue, it’s like a major shift has just occurred for me this past month, I didn’t do anything different, I just woke up with a great love in my heart one day, peace came over me and there was a great letting go of anger and bitterness. I was so destabilised and shocked to cope for 2.5 years having to pretend and fake it until I could make it, making steps forward then big steps back – I no longer feel like I’m struggling. There is work to do for sure, yet I have so much hope in my heart and faith that I’m going to make it, no matter what comes at me now.
    I’m going to start the NARP stuff now! I’ll let you know how it goes!
    Love Light & Laughter,
    Helen Jane

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2014

      Hi Helen,

      I am so pleased you have been able to take your validation and power back for yourself – this is huge..

      I can totally relate to the ‘wounded healer’ it is the understanding that many of us chose to immerse ourselves deep into the underworld of wounds so that we could then actualise a liberation of woundedness for ourselves and others.

      The most important think we can understand is that it is MOST vital to first and foremost dedicate to the emancipation of our own wounding – and by doing so we then illuminate others in the most spectacular ways.

      By healing you – you WILL heal your children, and help heal your world…

      Fabbo you are now ready to commit to you!

      Please do let me know how your NARP journey goes.

      Mel xo

  • prefertosail@gmail.com'
    Donna
    April 30, 2014

    My ex has turned our daughter against me & her family — including his own mom, who he was indoctrinated by his dad to hate (his siblings are also alienated from her). When we were married, he was able to convince me his partners were taking advantage of him. It turned out he was stealing from them, the IRS, etc. I hope my daughter will realize & not follow his lead. Our whole family is heartbroken, & now advice to move on is helpful, but when my daughter is psychologically suffering & the courts & protective services don’t protect her either, I struggle to create a positive life even though I know it is the only thing I can do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2014

      Hi Donna,

      that is really sad and painful, and you have ben through a lot..

      Truly be healing you, you can help heal your daughter..

      That is where the liberation from all of this can begin…

      Mel xo

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    April 30, 2014

    Thank you!

    I so get the part about healing one’s own dark side; I think I used to hate myself, but, I think, now I love myself. Your work rocks, Mel

    Valerie W.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2014

      Hi Valerie,

      that is soooo gorgeous!

      Yes loving ourselves wounds, insecurities, flaws, pain and all is the only way we can integrate and become whole – and most importantly free ourselves from our wounds.

      Mel xo

  • mayahuelprado@hotmail.com'
    maya
    April 30, 2014

    aggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(tears) im loosing my mind !!!!!!!!!!!it makes sense but my heart knows no better ………..I hurt I am ready to move on ..I fear hate I do not want to hate and I am avoiding this because this turmoil is making me believe if I follow that is what I will be doing I know this is not true but I can’t let go to hate.,help help how do I get through this wall. suicide has been a #1 solution for me for some time now. why am I such a dumb individual

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2014

      Hi Maya,

      honey you are not dumb – you are wounded and need to heal these inner wounds..

      They are what are unconsciously taking power over you, and keep leading you back into abuse…

      Don’t beat you up – just recognise that THAT is what is going on, and there are solutions…

      It means you can help heal these wounds, and then the pain will stop.

      Mel xo

  • mayahuelprado@hotmail.com'
    maya
    April 30, 2014

    I have to let go…..please help

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Raeanne
    April 30, 2014

    Maya..I started NARP a week ago…and it helps so much! It is helping me to release the pain and see more clearly. Suicide is never the answer. NEVER.

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Raeanne
    April 30, 2014

    The hardest part of letting go for me is to face this: the person you thought you were with was only wearing a mask.

  • intrinsic_li@yahoo.com.au'
    Li
    April 30, 2014

    Melanie,
    I would be interested to know more about female misogyny and the emotional and sexual predatory stuff you realized were hooking you in with narcissists please.
    Kind regards
    Li

  • richelle.a.page@gmail.com'
    Kiwi
    May 2, 2014

    Hi Melanie
    I have been following your posts for quite sometime now and even commented on one of them ages ago. But this little bit of information really struck a chord with me today. At first I was not particularly sure what you were talking about at first (perhaps because I have done a bit of study on my degree today.. I am doing my degree extramurally). Anyho after a bit things started to click, gel and really make the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I continued to read what I have experienced with my ex Narc.

    Late last year I had made a comment on my ex N’s ex girlfriends page saying how wonderful it was for her to experience this particular thing that she had posted on her Facebook page. She naturally ‘liked’ what I said but didn’t really comment. However what was most interesting as the guy that I dated (and whom she dated many years ago) made a comment directly under mine saying that he agreed with the comment that I had said previously. I then felt a wee blush developing from my cheeks and I thought I would say hi to him out of politeness and nothing else. Suffice to say he didnt bother to reply and I wrote to the ex girlfriend from years ago and just mentioned it to her…. Her response? She said that she was sorry that he did that and may have caused a few wounds for me and that it may be best that she unfriended me on Facebook… I couldn’t believe it yet prior to this she actually contacted me after I contacted her and we spoke at length about our relationships with the man and the frustrations that we both had been through… gosh if I had known alot of what I know now I would never got involved but hey I am human!!

    I guess that at that point I realised that she still held a small torch for the guy and this could be considered triangulation. I have not heard from him since he broke up with me to take up with an old flame from his high school days and he kept my details on his email accounts as he would often pop up on my Gmail chat… But me being the girl that I am have done a bit of research and although I have probably broken some of the rules along the way, I do not regret it. I have contacted his current beau’s ex (I did some detective work) and told him about this predator and I have even told his daughter I believe he is a narcissist. I even told him after he kept messing around with me on Gmail chat and by saying that I got deleted off his Gmail chat forever and I havent seen him since… so I have had an interesting experience with knowing this man more than the six years we were together.

    Will he come back if his current beau chucks him the curb and wakes up?

    Goodness knows but he often told me that his daughter and I were the only ones that truly knew him…

    Mmmmmm!

    Thanks for letting me rant. 🙂

  • giddy@f2s.com'
    Lee Michaels
    May 4, 2014

    Hi Melanie

    Thank you for posting this great explanation. I’d heard of triangulation, but hadn’t quite grasped it. This makes everything a lot clearer. My situation is different from most in that my Narc is not an ex or a family member, but my priest. I’ve sought out outside help, and I can see from what you’re saying that it’s time for me to now build outwards from myself instead of trying to get other people to fill in things that are missing or a problem in my life. Your thing about conscious and unconscious healing is really helpful. i can straight away think of things that I need to work on in this part of my person, if I have understood you correctly.

    Thanks again.

  • Ekwnyc@gmail.com'
    Maria
    May 4, 2014

    I know now why he came into my life … what I did to bring him in and why. I understand that my triggers (and subsequent actions) are definitely based on losses and feelings of abandonment from my childhood. And I even know what I did wrong … permitting him to treat me as he did, giving away all of my personal power, begging him to love me, … all things that I regret. I am now trying to forgive myself and assume that it was meant to happen to wake me up and so I take full responsibility for my behaviors and my role. And I own my mistakes. But I really resent him for taking advantage of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, which he knew about almost better than me. It’s as if he targeted them directly – a true example of “pouring salt in the wound”.
    And in response, I turned into the N, the monster, the cruel person. He provoked me and I bit. And now I’m suffering … probably just as he would like. Even though we have not had any contact in several months because he discarded me hastily and nastily and in his words ‘forever’, do you think he can energetically still feel that
    I haven’t been able to let him and what happened between us go? Is he still getting narc supply from me because I’m still angry and resentful? I just can’t seem to let it go.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 5, 2014

      Hi Maria,

      I do believe they still do get an energetic feed..

      But what is happening with him is not about what you need to focus on which is you getting better..

      Which means you need to make it all about putting your focus into you.

      Mel xo

  • Ekwnyc@gmail.com'
    Elena
    May 5, 2014

    I have done loads of thinking and therapy to uncover WHY I ended up in the relationship with my N but I can’t stop feeling so angry at myself for doing so. I am angry that I let anyone manipulate, emotionally abuse, and take advantage of me as he did. I keep replaying all of the things I wish that I did or said differently. Like letting him know that I am not an idiot or a fool but rather I knew he was lying and cheating. Like telling him that although I was too weak to walk away and stay away, I knew that I deserved more and better than his crumbs. And like proving to him that although he got the best of me and I had a few crazy outbursts in response to him that I am not crazy; I am a really good, kind, and loving person deep in my core. I don’t want to say any of that so he would still love me (he discarded me in the end because I tried to expose what was behind his mask) but I do not want to be viewed as crazy or cruel or stupid in his eyes or those of others he talks to. I want to at least call him out directly on all the things I knew he did even though I never had enough courage and strength to speak up and defend myself. Why do I care so much about clarifying all of this with someone who has no conscience, empathy or concern? And how can I stop caring and shift the focus to myself?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 5, 2014

      Hi Elena,

      this is really normal after trauma, abuse and pain..

      Thinking and ‘reasons’ does not get the trauma, pain and fear out of your body.

      We always believed our brain could control our body. It doesn’t when pain is extreme.

      It’s the other way around – the body rules the brain.

      The solution is getting the painful emotions out of your body and then your brain naturally follows.

      You need a healing solution that can get into your body and release the painful energy – then the relief will come.

      That’s exactly what NARP does..

      Mel xo

  • keyswhiz88@gmail.com'
    MARGE
    May 6, 2014

    Melanie — heartfelt thanks for the straight talk!
    I’m in a — I should say I’ve allowed myself to become part of a — weird sibling triangle. 11 Dad passed about 10 years ago, our force of Nature matriarchal Mom just passed 2 months ago. My two siblings each rationalized their own distancing from caring for Mom, the business matters, etc. but are projecting their guilt, equally resentful at the fact that I stepped up to get it done. Not a martyr, I had an incredible bond with a very demanding Mom, and I wouldn’t trade the time I had with her.
    Well now the cat is away, permanently, and without her there to mediate, there’s mind-bending acting out from my brother and sister. Even so, it’s on me to detach and disengage — and I’m repeating a bit of history since I divorced from a narcissist, expert at the same manipulation and probably suffering from borderline personality disorder. Hardest part of recovery was seeing my own role in that dance.
    THANK YOU for articulating that so brilliantly.

  • keyswhiz88@gmail.com'
    MARGE
    May 6, 2014

    So one question is how does someone in the “victim” role set a boundary to the persecutor(s)? It’s a manipulative bind. If I act like stuff doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t give my sister and brother the satisfaction of a reaction but it doesn’t set a limit either. Reduced to emails, voicemail or texting (which we basically are), I can leave a message which makes perfect sense but it’s ignored like nothing was ever said. That pushes a button in me too, that a rational argument for respect falls flat. (Differences of opinion however justified, weren’t permitted by my parents.)

  • Metzgerm1@hotmail.com'
    Mark
    May 12, 2014

    Melanie,

    I write again because of the quandary of the no win situation as it relates to children and visitation. I feel my attorney and counselors are not fully aware of the depth of pathology. The ex is so good at impression management that the ongoing alienation is overlooked. She is really that good! If I don’t expose and hold accountable in court I lose my children. However, if I do then I risk the wrath of retaliation. For my daughters sake I feel that I have to try else the finger is pointed and the accusation of not caring is made. Oh how did I get myself into this mess. Actually, I understand in hindsight, many had questioned my decision for involvement but that just makes it more of a bitter pill to swallow. What are your suggestions for accountability when children are involved?

    Thank you for caring about us!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 12, 2014

      HI Mark,

      without wanting to sound like a broken record…

      Are you working NARP?

      I don’t see anyone (truly) receive results trying to combat narcs, who aren’t doing the shift work on their Inner Beings – that is my essential message..

      If you were on NARP – I would be directing you to Module 4 and 8 and even 5…

      That is how people get results in your situation..

      When the fear, the pain is gone and emotional alignment is created – you discover ‘creation’ – in that your outside life experience without exception matches your inside emotional experience.

      But to understand this and experience it you have to be willing to ‘do life’ another way…not from the mental, egoic level..which of course is counter-intuitive to everything we THINK we should be doing..

      The inner orientation is why this community has astounding healing success, because of spiritual, Energetic Law principles..

      Mark I can’t help you ‘practically’..

      My total suggestion regarding how to help your children is ALWAYS do the deep inner work to heal yourself – because then it all falls into place..

      Mel xo

  • sarahgandkevinb@att.net'
    Sarah
    May 14, 2014

    Every blog topic resonates so completely. They are certainly experts at making sure all the dynamics revolve around them, so they can control their precious supply.

    I remember my N friend asking me one day: “What do you think happens when we die?”

    I answered what I had heard many times from people recounting their ND experiences, that they describe seeing a life review and not only watching, but experiencing the feelings from every side.
    The response? With genuine concern:
    “Wow…that sounds horrible.”

    I thought that was an odd reaction until you consider I was seeing a real soul-sucking emotional vampire consider their fate for a fleeting moment, and contemplate being forced to acknowledge the impact on the lives they “touched”.

    Still, I find it hard not to feel sorry for them- I just have to do it at a distance. I wish they could heal and accept their inner inner self, and not push others away.

  • keyswhiz88@gmail.com'
    MARGE
    May 16, 2014

    Sarah, great observation. Of course accountability would be a horrifying thought, it’s their life-mission to avoid it. So maybe more of a threat than a physical death. And ironically, how typical of a narcissist to take that thought personally — that mental tapdance reveals the inner guilt not faced but projected into a more generic conversation.
    Have you ever read Scott Peck’s PEOPLE OF THE LIE?

  • keyswhiz88@gmail.com'
    MARGE
    June 5, 2014

    A darkly amusing follow-up — it pays to have good grammar.
    My brother continues his publicity campaign on Facebook, to defend himself against his own guilt for maintaining a stance of being so negligent.
    Today is our late Mom’s birthday and he has shared that he “loves her and misses her terribly.”
    Can’t argue with that. I’m tempted to comment but I won’t.

  • plafere@gmail.com'
    Peter
    June 11, 2014

    The Karpman Triangle!

    Very true indeed, thank you very much for your blog on this. I’m a longtime “graduate” and fan from your website and come back every now and then to check in.

    I had actually learnt about the Karpman Triangle several months before finding your website and had taken myself “off” the triangle for my own sake without quite understanding how I had gotten onto it in the first place. Your website helped me understand the problem wasn’t number three (a second, superiorly codependent person) but that one was a narc.

    Anyhow, it’s comforting to hear others have struggled with triangular relationships too. I had thought that was “unique” for my relationship with “my” narc. I guess no narc thing is unique…

    For those readers interested in reading more about this, I recommend you try Googling “Karpman triangle”.

    Best,
    Peter

  • robbieseville@stainedglassaust.com'
    Robbie
    June 27, 2014

    Dear Tonia,
    at the outset I would like to thank you for your extra ordinary insights, wisdoms and advice. Like many people here I was lost, ostrasized and in pain when I found your site. Through Quanta, mindfulness meditation a course with a therapist and dogged determination I can honestly say that I am now calm, resolved and on my true path. However I would like to know what you think about a situation. Sitting with a friend in a coffee shop, my ex with his new girlfriend came and sat down within a metre of me when there were many empty seats further away. Having not seen him since I left him, I was initially shocked but after my heart stopped thumping was pleasantly surprised at how calm I really felt. It was his intention to intimidate and to show his girlfriend the “whackjob” ( his old name for me ). I know he will do this again, its all about winning and he will push and push and get vicious. Herein lies my question. I’m in a good place now and I know I will not react, however I don’t want ANYONE doing this to me and I am seriously considering a restraining order. I would very much appreciate your thoughts. You, in great measure have helped me to become whole and happy again. Thank you.

  • Susie@susiecochrane.com'
    Susie
    June 29, 2014

    After discovering yr blog 2 days ago I feel a great sense of comfort and peace. I only just realized my mother is also a narcissist and I can see the triangulation diagram well. For so many years we tried to rescue her from Dad….he died and she now plays the proud wife. My brother has become the scapegoat, my youngest sister is her golden child. I see narcissistic traits in both the eldest and youngest and my other sister as still struggling and blaming. What a journey into consciousness…which is what I teach! It’s interesting how excited I now feel about life! and how success after success just rolls in and people fall over themselves to assist me in me work.
    There are happy endings but they take action.
    Thanks for what you do. You are a gem.

  • pieta.mcgilvray@icloud.com'
    Pieta
    July 6, 2014

    Hello Melanie,

    I have not commented on anything for a while, and realise now, just how scattered, disorganised and naive I have been. Fortunately, and with perfect timing, I found your site just over a year ago. At that time, although having experienced much of what you spoke about, I knew nothing, simply my experience.

    Suddenly, I understood and had difficulty coming to terms with what was being presented, simply because it was true. I have lived my life in isolation and silence. On some level, I understood not to respond to triangulation.

    Funny, I appreciate these clinically terms now, as they put into a formal context, something which has caused such immense personal pain, often soul destroying. As I understand more, this helps me, along with doing the NARP. Modules to distance myself from the situation, in order to heal.

    Thank you once again for the timing of this. After I started doing NARP a year ago, and thought I was doing well, my second lifelong silence was revealed to me, last August. My life suddenly had a purpose, as I realised why my treatment, when I was admitted into hospital at the age of 21, was so woefully inadequate. I had no redress as there was no advocate for me. So, for seven years my legal rights were taken away, and nothing discussed, then as I did not play ‘the game’, I was discarded. I realised they were trying to ‘break me’ for some reason, which became obvious last August.

    The first silence was revealed to me in adult 2012,, when a doctor finally had enough information to tell me I was surviving Munchhausen’s by Proxy, a strange relief to hear this at the age of 58. I have been discarding diagnoses very effectively for the last two years.

    I appreciate how damaging silence can be, and how destructive triangulation is. Unfortunately, until recently and it is a very sad comment, I did not know people came in any other form except as Narcissists until fairly recently. Of course, I was made to feel the odd one out, and certainly have paid dearly for this.

    My literal silence of three decades, made any therapy absolutely impossible, stopped almost three years ago, as I came off medication. Now, it is a completely different story, and I hasten to add I am not there yet.

    Recently, after been ‘ambushed’ by N sibling, the remaining member of my immediate family, and thankfully having done enough work through NARP and with some wonderful doctors, I could read the situation and respond with my head, and my heart responded to me protectively.

    This is very exciting and draining, as I pick myself up from this last assault. Now, having the tools, the wisdom and the experience, I can now look forward to healing. The NO CONTACT advice if you can at all manage it, is vital, as I have discovered, having walked away from my entire family.

    For reasons, which make sense now, I basically did not get out of the starting blocks to make any life decisions. At 21, all I understood was there would be ‘no partner or children until this was resolved’. Hoping that therapy would help, my life became bizarre and more complicated, as I spent almost the next four decades fighting for my survival, while continuing to be the parenting child. Now, I understand why.

    It was a double whammy to be born into Munchausens by Proxy situation, and then to be treated by Narcisdtic therapists. It makes sense of why I was told on my 28th birthday by staff, casually…”we did not think you would make it this far”.

    I kept thinking why not? After all this time, I do . More importantly, with this incredible timing, your site popped up, and as I am able to handle the information to integrate and heal, the right information continues to flow. Gratitude does not cover how I feel to have this opportunity to achieve my first birthright.

    I am still working on it, having been ambitious enough to believe it would happen by my 60th birthday. That passed, and I am still working on it. Each day brings another insight and piece slots in.

    This is a long winded thank you for the work you do, and the clarity and tools to give life back to people, sometimes for the first time. This is truly exciting. Another thank you is for the forum and group support, which is so positively and realistically focused on healing. Nothing short of impressive. Did I mention ‘thank you’? Heartfelt, as I heal. The small daily gains are priceless, and every nuance of wisdom learnt is precious.

    Silences are nuanced also, and not all of them are golden. This work in raising awareness so people are aware, can heal,and educate is vital.

  • juliet_lundie@hptmail.com'
    MissUK
    November 22, 2014

    This article has opened my eyes and hopefully will place me on the path to self vindication, I identify with it so much!
    My narc brother and I have not communicated for a while but he continues to “send messages” (‘olive branches’, pleas for reconciliation, cries of victimisation, accusations, and downright smears and character assasinations..) through my mother. She is hurting so badly and it is making her ill, but is confusing her and she cannot understand what is being done to her. I have asked her not to communicate to me what my brother has told her, but she still does it. And usually the aim is to get me to “fix it”. As a child, I witnessed my alcoholic father emotionally torture my mother and brother and would leap to their defence when his actions became unbearable. I cannot deny that this was not entirely altruistic, the torment became unbearable and I wanted to make it stop. It wasn’t long before the bile was then turned on me me and I would bear the brunt of the emotional and verbal aggression whilst my mother and brother melted into the background, unwilling to defend the one person who had tried to protect them. My mother admits to a degree that my father behaved in that way but will diminish his actions, however my brother sunk into deep denial about the way he was bullied and described my father’s rages as the sole result of provocation by me. My father dies 15 years ago but his legacy now continues in his son.
    I really don’t know what to do. Our latest incident arises from something I “did” to my brother, which, although it has some modicum of truth, has been painted as an action deemed purely to hurt him (I expressed an opinion in what I thought was a private Facebook group about my brother’s avoidant behaviour when my mother suffered a stroke. Unfortunately the forum was not as private as I had believed and my sister in law saw it and showed my brother. I am now accused of trying to publicly ‘shame him’ to our mutual friends and family. This could not be further from the truth, no members of this group know my family, nor me in real life for that matter; and it was never intended to be expressed in an area that anyone who knew my brother would see. I know, I know, social media can be dangerous and I accept that I got my fingers well and truly burnt on this. I can’t apologise for what I did because I can only say sorry that I was caught. I will not deny my feelings. Frankly I don’t think he cares how I feel, just that I made him “look bad”)
    However my mother focuses on this “heinous, libellous insult” I (inadvertently) inflicted on my brother, yet chooses to selectively forget the many, many, many incidents of rage that he systematically inflicted upon me and her, when both of us were present as witnesses. I have tried incredibly hard not to participate in a “he said/ she said” argument, using my mother to absorb my angst. I have been guilty before, but I made a conscious decision not to do it. I must have nearly bitten my tongue right through! My mother still related to me all the terrible things my brother has said about me, although I asked her not to. However, a new offensive is “your brother phoned me today, he is so upset, he cannot believe he has lost his sister and he can’t help thinking of all the wonderful family times we had”. Pure emotional blackmail.
    I really am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I continue down this road of No Contact, I hurt my mother. If I tackle my brother about the way he is hurting her, he will take it out on her anyway, that I am convinced of. He can longer deal with me direct so uses my mother to hurt me indirectly. If I ‘give in’ and ‘make amends’ I get back on the wheel of abuse, waiting in fear of the next attack.

  • jessika_maloney@bigstring.com'
    camera factice
    December 3, 2014

    Je suis arrivée ssur ce postе par hasard et je
    ne le regrette nullement !!!

  • ingeborggrunwald@aol.com'
    sexe chaud
    December 16, 2014

    Puiѕ-jе emprunter deux trois lignes sur un blog ?

  • adrienne.propst@gmail.com'
    sexe hardcore choquant
    December 18, 2014

    Јe vais dire qque ce n’est nullement erroné ..

  • gina_gilman@gawab.com'
    sexe hardcore sans capote
    December 23, 2014

    Il me tɑrde de lire votre prochain post

  • rcook@patash.com.au'
    Robyn
    January 13, 2015

    I have just read your article in the nick of time … after being with my ex (narcissist) for 12 months and being on the receiving end of countless types of abuse .. I received phone call and messages from his daughter saying I was a loser (after he physically assaulted me) and now I find her sending me an article on narcissism and saying “sound familiar” and pointing the finger at me as being the narcissist. In other words there has been this triangulation going on right from the start, which I suspected but was always denied. I feel lousy and wanting to answer but haven’t and after reading this article I definitely will not and will completely wipe them out of my existence.
    Thanks so much for enlightening me before I made another mistake by making contact to defend myself.

  • eunicelear@t-online.de'
    sexe hardcore
    February 5, 2015

    Follement passionnant : je ϲrois que ce post intéresserait mon ɡars

  • harry.strout@hotmail.com'
    film xxx brutal
    February 8, 2015

    C’est ԁu plaisir de lire ce site

  • ayesash@hotmail.com'
    ashmara
    March 5, 2015

    I just found youd mp3 download from ur radio programme and shift in inner self is tremendous. I am just listening and listening to it and can fel strength and power with in. For the first time in life i could take a stand on issues.My biggest problem is no contact is not at all acceptable in the culture n family i belong to. How much modified contact is aceptabble for recovery.

  • bhramirez702@gmail.com'
    Bea
    April 8, 2015

    I grew up with a crazy narc sister who did this to me all of the time. My parents never intervened when I spoke of this. They never believed me as they were smitten by her BS charm. I cut her out of my life as an adult; however, I unwittingly let other narc boyfriends and present husband in. I never understood why the hell this was happening. It seemed that most men I dated turned out to be the devil in disguise. At 54 years of age, I am finally starting to understand the unspoken rules of this very complicated dance. Thank you for your eloquent and kind explanations. I am diligently working on my recovery with the help of your programs.

  • ariadnagrigoryan@yahoo.com'
    Was.involved.with.one.psycho
    April 25, 2015

    Melanie, thank you for explaining it so well! Thanks to this kind of blogs and forums I was able to get out of the FOG completely and see the miserable creature named Narcissist for who he was. Went throught the stages of triangulation being the new girl and triangulated with his ex, first being a rescuer, then the persecuted with the same girl 😀 Hillarious part is, I was able to break the cycle and get out of all the crap they dragged me into. After I left him, he went back to her, telling her lies about me and making her threaten me with murder if I don’t leave them alone… What?? I was telling him to leave me alone! But she will never learn it… Looking at her, and seeing how cruel he was with her afterwards and left her for many other girls I really pity her and every girl that ever will get involved. But apparently, we all learn the hard way! Your article totally hits home with my situation. Thanks for being out there for us.

  • enhancinglives2012@yahoo.ca'
    Jeff
    May 9, 2015

    Can it be true, am I REALLY dealing with a Narcissist? I believe I have experienced gas-lighting, subterfuge and silent treatment. The latest episode that I can not shake from my fiber is when they were gone for the day this past weekend. After returning, she had said how her ex asked if he could take their teenage children to his family for Mother’s day. She has always spoke very vehemently about him in the past. I learned that she had sent him a text saying Awww…Drive safe…it was nice to chat with you today. When I confronted her on the behaviour, she claims how she needs to always be the bigger parent, even though she spoke about how abusive he was in the past. (projection???) I asked her why she never told me that she would be spending the day with him watching their daughter. She said that she didn’t even know he was going to be there yet she sent him a “Can I buy you a coffee?” text early in the morning. Still in shock and disbelief. Where to go from here.

  • Sparkymarc70@hotmail.com'
    Marc
    June 24, 2015

    Hi. I’ve recently come out of a relationship with a narcissist woman…. She would belittle me ( in public also) . Would snap at a moments notice…. Never her fault . Was always right … Flirt with anyone she could. Even my stepfather whilst I was in the same room!!! I confronted her but she denied it saying that’s her friendly personality….. None of my friends wanted me to move in with her…. They all could see but I was blinded … I doubted my self and started losing confidence .. Questioning things etc etc… I actually met her ex husband face to face… She did the same things to him as was doing to me… And he put me onto this website to help me…, funny how things turn out… I’m glad I’ve seen the true person she is…

  • Thealen2006@yahoo.com'
    Marie
    June 27, 2015

    Dear Melanie,
    I realize this is an older post, but I just want to let you know how meaningful it is. I have no contact with my narcissist ( one in a fairly long list) for two months, and then I realized than instead of moving on, I kept playing the game by contacting people in our common circle. So many of the wounds you mentioned resonated, but the last one about changing the crazy people so that I could be safe was so spot on. I started the quantum healing last year, but the sessions were so emotionally intense that I stopped before really going far into the healing. Some parts of me really resisted changing. But as I see myself repeating over and over the old patterns, I realize that no ‘cosmetic’ changes will do any lasting good without healing those wounds. I had to take a leave of absence from work where the abuse occurred. At the beginning, my best and oldest friend warned me this was a time to care for myself, not try to get some justice and continue fighting the narc. But I was so angry, which was just masking how terrified I was. I was trying to plead my case with whomever was willing to listen to me and I feel that in tbe process, I became a toxic person and I lost precious time needed to recover and move on. Part of me justify this by willing to improve work conditions for everybody but if I am honest, it is in large part fuelled by a pattern of self-destructive behaviors. I can only tell you that finding this post of yours could not have been more timely.

  • deborahsandhurst@yahoo.com'
    Debbie
    July 29, 2015

    My mother is the narcissist in my life. She fits the profile to a T. I avoided looking at articles with the word “narcissist,” because I didn’t think it applied to my life. My sister is her rescuer, but as stated, I have also played the rescuer in the past. It seems that when I stopped doing that, my mother began making me the target. For the third time in 12 years I am being persecuted by my mother and my family. 8 years ago I behaved like a lunatic during one encounter with a sister over the situation. It sealed my fate. I am the crazy one. I am one of 5 siblings (the oldest) and 3 of them believe my mother is beyond reproach. She’s old and needs to be treated gently, they say. I am in the middle of another situation. I have gone to “no contact,” which works pretty well because I recently moved several hours away from my family. However, my daughter is upset at my decision and I am pretty sure she’s buying the family line that I am crazy and the source of the trouble. My mother is the source of my childhood wounds that put me in my current emotional position. I am grateful to have found this article today. I will begin the pursuit of healing my inner wounds. Thank you.

  • christinemaryrussett37@gmail.com'
    Christine
    August 10, 2015

    This has got to be the best blog on narcissistic triangulation that there is on the internet. Good work and a job well done Melanie. Fantastic, straight and directly to the point. As I was reading it all, I was able to connect and relate to it as it gave the fullest explanation of why someone like me was the victim of this uncondonable, zero tolerated, zero admired, zero encouraged and despicable behaviour which is termed as narcissistic triangulation, it really did resonate with me so much so that I felt that you had written it about me and that I was reading about myself in your blog, I am a strong and tough survivor and the main underdog victim, like all other narcissistic triangulation victim’s are.

  • christinemaryrussett37@gmail.com'
    Christine, United Kingdom
    August 18, 2015

    Hi Mel, My last post was on the 10th August 2015. In this post I would like to say the following : the Narc in my life was fiercely overprotective of it’s family which was so unnecessary when I asked it questions about them. It did and it still does everything to stop and prevent me from meeting any of it’s family members. At the same time it strategized and formed idea’s and plan’s of infiltrating my own inner circle of people who know me personally and it was successful, now the Narc has adopted and made my inner circle it’s own inner circle, so I’m now sharing my inner circle of people with it and it has started a smear campaign against me, it has brainwashed and turned all of my inner circle people against me, it has turned the law, the police and everybody against me with it’s lies and deceit about me, so I have nobody to turn to for help, support or advice, I’m suffering in silence. The Narc has indirect contact with me through another person, the other person who I am married to and living with, so somehow the Narc is still in my life. I am absolutely livid, extremely angry, bitter and frustrated that nobody else can see the Narc for who it truly, really is because it has portrayed itself as the innocent victim, etc…, and it also has portrayed me as the Narcissist to in my inner circle. It has attempted to physically assault me in the past, but, I didn’t receive any marks, bruises or anything else, etc…, and when the police were called and they turned up the Narc denied attempting to physically assaulting me and the police were convinced by the Narc’s lies and deceit, denial and they believed the Narc, it’s words, it’s story over me, my words and my story, even though the Narc denied it and lied and I told the truth so it had and it has struck the fear of God into me, I’m in fear for my life, I’m scared to death, terrified and petrified cos it is verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually abusing me. I witnessed it going into a Narcissistic Rage. This Narc is capable of anything, of murder, homicide, this Narc is very dangerous and my life is in danger and I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a rut with nobody to turn to and nowhere to go. This Narc could potentially murder me. What am I going to do?. I live in Hampshire, Southern England.

  • N.liddon@gmail.com'
    Nicole
    August 18, 2015

    Hello.
    I am on day 8 of your program.
    I cannot thank you enough. You are making lots of light bulbs go off in my head. Everything I’m reading is what he has done or trying to do. After seven days of him revealing his new girlfriend on social media after abandoning me seven weeks ago, and him maintaining he still loves me, that we needed to chill, seven days later and he is liking pictures on my own social media page. He got a response of me blocking him.
    I thought I was going crazy that he was the love of my life, I couldn’t let him go. Now I feel I already have let him go. I do not want him back around me at all. He used his family against me, and mutual friends telling me they all think I’m crazy they hate me. I don’t believe any of it any more.
    Thank you very much for this outstanding work.
    Nicole

  • dancingwings46@yahoo.com'
    manifester
    August 22, 2015

    Wow!!!!!

    You are an amazing life saver, such truth, such clarity!

  • richtiler@gmail.com'
    richard
    September 1, 2015

    after reading this i now understand that I have been used as two points of the triangle….WHAT a fool i feel.When i met the ex i was manipulated into going round her house because her loo was broken and her good for nothing ex wouldnt fix it.He slept on the sofa and wouldnt do anything to help.I only found out 2 years later she had broken it on purpose to get me round. We had sex that very day.I felt sooo sorry for her because of the position he put her in by not leaving , and actually thought nothing of it when she invited me to bring my daughter to play with hers.I visited loads of times over the next six months with him there ,while we met in secret everyday for sex.I couldnt understand why he just hung on in there sleeping on a chair.OMG WHAT A FOOL I WAS.
    They even went on holiday with friends and she said he was staying in their appartment. While on holiday he found our texts and all hell broke lose.I was still blind to her and believed he was just upset for no reason.
    ROLL on 3 years and i have vertually rebuilt her house when she gets a new job.She tells me stories of her new boss and how sad ,lonely and easy to wind up he is ,and that he wants to come for dinner.This goes on for weeks with her chatting to him like long lost friends , lots of overtime and being recalled back to work while I have her kids.
    we come back from holiday on the Monday and she moves him in on the Tuesday…..That was 4 weeks ago and she hasnt spoken to me since.
    The lies , manipulation and things that have come to light ,that happened in the 3 years is incredible….from alienating my oldest son and forcing him out of my house to making out that our mutual friends were not actually her friends but achoholic friends of mine and pushing me to put my 13 yr old disabled son in a special home because I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO COPE SOON..
    does this sound like classic triangulation

  • flowerdale54@iinet.net.au'
    Hazel
    November 23, 2015

    “Here is a small list of the types of inner wounding that commonly leads us to attract and be persecuted in triangulation.”

    With regard to this statement above and the follow on, I find that it is not only ‘blaming’ but harming others – again saying to those who have been victimised that there is something within us that brought on such severe insidious abuse
    and slander and destroying of an entire Family’s life (mine) and our generations to come.

    It is simply and absolutely impossible to ‘attract’ persecution and triangulation as it is simply and absolutely a reflection f the perpetrator/s and persecutor/s.

    What is mostly (99% of the time) truth and fact is that narcissistic disordered people attack because they recognise the ‘good’ in another or others they are trying to bring down – in order to escalate themselves.

    Almost all of what Melanie writes is deeply reflective and highly Aware however, to make this remark and continue on how it is we who need to heal what is allowing us to be so villified and defamed, severely abused behind our backs in this deceit and secrecy and cowardice – is not only wrong but as equally harmful as any covert and insidious abuse of a narcissist – to imply it is somehow our fault – that it is something within us. This is victim-blaming and so psychologicallly and emotionally abusive – like a rape victim somehow brought it on – is lifelong damage. Be very careful of your ego Melanie. It has reached too far and if your 10 step recovery is based on how to prevent insane people harming healthy people who have not faced their ‘inner wounding’ you are simply only causing more wounding that people who believe you will spend their entire lives believing it was their ‘inner wounds’ that somehow caused the severe abuse of them. I hope you will see that your advice to others needs some inner reflection yourself. I hope that nobody who turns to your advice will actually believe they ‘attracted’ the lifelong
    harm done to them. Very disappointed and I would have asked your permissions for my book but I can only bring together those people whose work and words can’t be referred to for further harm to be done. I believe in truth that I hope will help you and not harm you and in turn you will know in
    your own intuition, that your words on this matter of ‘attracting’ abuse is not helpful to you as readers like myself leave now and is not helpful but deeply and lifelong harmful to others who will blame their own type of non-healing you are implying with your ‘promise.’

  • danielvanbree@gmail.com'
    Daniel
    December 8, 2015

    It has been a little over 2 months of me realizing that the woman I was in love with, has narcissistic tendencies. Reading up on this material is godsmacking in how it explains much of her behavior and has given rest to that terrible feeling I had in my stomach, in trying to explain what exactly was wrong in this relationship. Backtracking what had happened over the past two years, makes the red flags appear as obvious and almost comical. My stomach understood but my heart and brain kept trying to see the positives, even when they were heavily outweighed by the negatives.

    The story as a whole is also a huge opportunity for self-reflection. I met her at a time when things were at a low-point and where she made me feel special (typical, I know). She herself was in a relationship at the time (red flag) but was not happy anymore (red flag) yet stayed with him for over 8 years (red flag). She admitted to cheating on him so many times (red flag) and made him look like a loser (red flag). She admitted that she lied a lot (red flag) and that she ‘was weird’ (red flag) and that cheating made her feel excited and ‘alive’ (huge red flag). There are countless of other red flags of course but seeing that I was dating girls all the time, whilst talking to her, I always thought she was just going through a phase and that she was trying to be honest with me so that we knew what each other’s bad sides were (false impression). I would confront her about her behavior and how I distrusted her as a person since I caught her lying to me about small things, and that I never had that gut feeling with other girls. She could make me feel absolutely great and horribly depressed at the same time since I always had the sense that she was stringing me along.

    Her relationship ended in February and we were going to meet up in Rome in June, to spend the weekend. Already during that weekend there were many signs that she just craved attention at all times. I was talking to an old friend during dinner before leaving to Rome, whilst having dinner with the N, my friend and my friend’s boyfriend. Whilst I was talking to my friend, I noticed she was texting this guy who I later found out she had an affair with in the past (or still, who knows). She made small remarks about him during the weekend to try and make me jealous (I always either ignored the comments or told her that maybe she should date him). I was not playing the game but I felt bad about it. Why would she want to make me jealous if the rest of the weekend was just ‘perfect’? (triangulation)

    After Rome, things looked great and she asked me to meet her parents and go on vacation with her in Sardinia. We got into a HUGE argument before I went because I caught her lying to me about something that exposed an affair in her past and therefore confirmed what I had suspected. You see I had this gut feeling all along that I was never the only one. That she was stringing me along. Because this was in her previous relationship I felt bad about my own behavior since I really should not judge it but I could not let it slip by. I caught her lying again to me for no apparent reason. Huge doubt set in and a time of great depression as I knew that the vacation was going to be make or break. There were many times when my stomach told me that she was deeply in love but that she as a person simply COULD not control herself. That her darker side was coming out and she was actively warning me from time to time.

    Well, I caught her sending a provocative picture to a colleague of hers whilst on vacation. Lying, denials, she changed into a victimized child. Many signs were there during the vacation of her being a narcissist and I even got a glimpse of why she is like that (her mother). My N would feel the lesser of three women in that family. After all the fights and ham-fisted trying to make up, she asked me ‘could I ever be your wife’? I said no. She was completely destroyed by this. She became apologetic, promising she would change, went into a severe depression after the vacation, became ill because of it, could not work and finally…ended contact with me even though I still believed that I could fix it. This was devastating to me as I could not understand why. Why was I being cut out as she was the one who was behaving the wrong way?

    And then I read about narcissism and it all starts to make sense. I have seen through her tricks and I am no longer a viable supply. It is extremely confronting as you start to trace back the whole relationship and all the signs and lies and behavior that you saw, starts to make sense. You’re not special to her. Deep depression is what comes from it as you are forced to face facts, and face yourself. I dodged a massive bullet with this one. A massive one. I get depressed from time to time when I dream about her or when something pops up. I still check her Facebook for some reason and when she changed her profile picture I relapsed and texted her. No response. Which is a good thing. She would have destroyed me and was already trying to do so in the limited time we physically spent with each other. I fell hard for her and trying to keep away is the most difficult temptation I have. I drown my emotions in the evening with a smoke and good company. I have a physical need for it when I think of her, but I will survive. It is that bad for me and for everyone who comes to cross paths with an N.

    All I can say, is trust your gut. If you get the feeling that you are being strung along, get out. If she admits to cheating prior to you, get out. If you are meeting this person but he/she is in a relationship, get out. If she admits to being in love with you within the first month, get out. Small things which seem like positives at that time will make you latch on to someone who gives you a horrible feeling in your gut. YOU KNOW it’s bad, but as a good person you think you change her, or that it is you. It is not. GET OUT while you can. Your gut is always right. Sever all ties and have pity. Realize that you did nothing wrong but be a good person. And that in this world there are people who will take advantage for self-gain, even if that means that they themselves have to warp into someone else to be liked. It is sick really and dangerous. Trust your gut and get out of the self-torment.

  • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
    JESS M
    January 6, 2016

    Dear Mel,
    Just in time I found this and the answer to my intense sorrow and guilt.
    “The straight line of Truth”
    That any triangulation is not direct and often the other 3rd person is not even there!
    It is not a circle of reciprocity but one of jagged corners.
    What is ever said or repeated without the
    Presence of the other person there; is 2nd hand and every time a conversation or an action that the smeared person is supposed to have done is talked about in a demeaning way; that very thing is twisted according to the wounds in that person.
    Thank you. I take this direct to module.
    More and more is being revealed.
    I need to forgive me for getting drawn into this very low vibration way of being.
    I am setting myself Free today.
    I too have played a part.
    Love and much Gratitude Jess M X

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Anne
    January 7, 2016

    I decided to revisit this issue. Today, an ah ha moment. i was triangulated within a sick web of triangles. Narcs old friends used his secrets against me, an d against him. When I find out about affair with one of the old friends cause someone got too drunk and talked, I blasted her with the truth of her covert abuse. Narc gets wind of it, then blasts me for hurting HER. He accepted no responsibility for his own lies covering it up, and trying to promote me to be her friend. She recruits others in the group as rescuers and i get abused by proxy. Narc feels justified because everyone else said I was the mean one. He is trianguated too by her and her whole group of friends. He doesn’t know it, but they are both narcs of varying degree. A very intertwined sick dynamic.

  • cicibabbitt@gmail.com'
    Invisiblonde
    January 13, 2016

    Your wisdom is saving my life.

    Thank you for your forthrightness.

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    JpJ
    January 21, 2016

    Stunning piece of work. A literary gem. Melanie`s words exposed the narc`s perfectly that have subversively taken control of my life. Each day now I look forward to the “truth” arriving by email to my awaiting inbox. May the lord above prepare a special place in heaven for you Melanie.

  • jredman@atlanticbb.net'
    Jody L. Redman
    March 3, 2016

    Thank You, I have been moved to tears. This has to be the most profound article I have read to date. And it’s impact has touched the core and crux of what has been happening in my life for many years. Over the last several years I actually have slowly detached and began to examine myself and my responsiveness. Finally, I am moving from a state of unconsciousness to a healthy state of consciousness. I’ve been looking and searching for years for an article to support that the tactics I’ve been implementing are the ultimate solution to this nightmare and today your beautifully written article gave me my answer. Thank You. 🙂

  • michiron@aol.com'
    michelle
    March 13, 2016

    melonie, thank you so much for all the work you do. i would be lost without the meditations /energy release modules. i do them almost everyday. i have just come to the insight that one of my paths of resistance is that …i don’t want to defeat or starve the narcissist….not only because of my own sickness of wanting to maintain contact, but also because i am such a co-dependent that on some deep level i’d rather take the hit and keep giving them narcissist supply even if it means i suffer or look bad because i so badly do not want to cause them any psychological pain. i’d rather not starve them of energy because i worry more about them than i do about me. ultimately i know though that this is exactly what they need and it is definitely what i need to get healthy. i’m going to start going to co-dependent meetings next week because i am stuck stuck stuck in a severe triangulation pattern right now. thank you so much for your help.

  • lindajhunt-@hotmail.com'
    Linda
    March 25, 2016

    Dear Melanie, I understand the importance of healing childhood wounds and past hurts and I have done that. The problem for me is that my ex-husband has turned my four sons against me with meticulous calculation. Every possible way I think of to approach the issues with them (they have ceased all communication with me), leads me to the same conclusion. He has been so successful, they believe I am the source of all problems and perceive me as the aggressor. There is no possible way for me to articulate to them, how he has manipulated them against me for his own pleasure because he is such a ‘great guy’. My relationship with them is all I care about. There is no hope for reconciliation when they don’t understand, or would even consider he is a narcissist. Please help me. What can I do? This has been going on for years now. I know I contributed to my demise through my constant praising of him.

  • pyschicsybella@yahoo.co.uk'
    Bella
    March 26, 2016

    Hi Mel . I have read every thread on here and have empathise and learnt much. If nothing else I have realised I am not mad and not alone. My story is too long but in a few words my mother is a full nsr and made my middle sister the golden

  • alton823122@gmail.com'
    Ed
    March 29, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    I was involved in a Christian marriage for 24 years. Your identification of my NPD spouse’s initial “charm” and subsequent “real” self, which was only quite mild at first (when we married in our early thirties) and then began to show as our twin boys grew out of toddler stage and into early adolescence. Looking back on it now, I began to notice her treatment of the boys as if they were mere extensions of her; expecting them to “jump” and chastising them, sometimes quite loudly and brutally if they did not. I began to try to “counsel” her myself and also assist the boys in how to respond to her. Needless to say, the older the boys got the more disturbing my wife’ behavior became. As my sons headed of to college, an event I mourned over (having lost two of my loved ones and “friends”) my wife was so happy to have them out of the house. At that point, things really began a down turn in my marriage. While my wife had always included me in her NPD behavior, at least indirectly, involving me with the conflict between herself and our sons, she now began to brutalize me in amazingly emotional ways. Nothing I could do pleased her. I was working as a lawyer and many weeks would work 60 hours per week (but always managed to make time for her and especially on our pre-assigned date nights). I would come home on date nights to find her intoxicated, not dressed, and barely able to get herself to the car. She often became belligerent towards me and at one point acted out in front of 150 people at family reunion on “her” side of the family. She began to scream that “my husband never likes when I drink…he doesnt’ like to party.” The abuse continued on the hour ride home in from of ours sons, then age 19, and my then 11 year old daughter. Gradually, these outbursts of rage got worse and more frequent; on one occasion she kicked and hit me 150 times in the earshot of my daughter. She so engaged, I feared for my daughter’s safety.

    As these events became almost daily or at least every other day, everyone in the house began to walk on eggshells waiting for the next explosion of rage. I won’t get into details, but when I had an extreme issue at work, that could well have ruined my career because of an innocent mistake I made in following a court order to send a substantial amount of money as the court directed me, I was sued (for the first time in 30 plus years of legal practice) and the damages could have been well over $ 1 million dollars; more than our entire savings and most of our equity in our house. I got know empathy what so ever. She just started spending money on the house saying things like “I’ll have a nice house before I die” and “I’ll spend what I want; Mr. X has a nice house; your sister has a nice house”. (At the time we have a 4,000 square foot “newer” home on three acres of land). She had plans to simply spend $ 150,000.00 to upgrade a house that needed about $ 10,000.00 of work. At some point I filed for divorce. Still totally unaware of what NPD was or just why my wife seemed to “sick” and lacked empathy; never said she was sorry and always, always, blamed “me” for everything that ever went wrong in our home. I certainly wish I had known what I was dealing with before I filed for divorce.

    The short story is she turned my entire extended family against me (“well [she] must be telling the truth, she’s so sweet”]; she then pursued her form of financial “justice” (spelled R-E-V-E-N-G-E). I was so ill equipped to deal with her tactics and those of her divorce lawyer, that i had an emotional breakdown and nearly lost my job and my life. I came out of the divorce with less than $ 100,000.00 and she approximately $ 750,000.00. This even though I earned 80% of the money during the marriage. I am now age sixty and working to pick up the pieces; financially, emotionally and relationallly. I certainly wish I had understood THEN much of what you and others havee had to say to me in the last couple of weeks. I now have a very good understanding of what I’m dealing with as she continues to “rage” and seek revenge even two years after the divorce.

    thank you for your work!

    Mr. “Wise”

  • pas.maison@outlook.com'
    XJean
    May 5, 2016

    I want to hate him. I want to prove him wrong and have people agree about how vile he is. I did have a moment of revelation the other day: I thought, “I loved him for years, then he picked me up, played me off against other women, and dumped me via Facebook.” It hurt so badly. Then I realised: My love was misplaced. That insight has helped me so much.

    I think it’s about stages. I think we need the grief and rage at first. Then once that storm of emotion has settled, we need to focus on better paths in life. I know these relationships are a pattern I have. I am seeking to change this, without beating myself up for “getting it wrong again.”

    Your words about being obsessive touched a nerve. I have been like this, and still am. But this isn’t about “Stop getting it wrong.” This is about how much better life would be without that obsession. How much freer I would be, how much more chance of happiness there is.

    There are dark, dark issues in the past I touch on, wincing. I thought Dad was a decent man – but now I wonder if he was playing Mum like my ex played me. Not to blame Dad – but it’s vital to understand now.

    Finally, we also do have a relationship to grieve over. Vile though it was those feelings have to be allowed to be felt. Repressing “wrong” feelings – that’s messed up my life badly and I won’t do it any more. Feelings are feelings. They rise, they may hurt horribly. They subside. It’s all right.

  • kimmuse265@gmail.com'
    Kim
    June 3, 2016

    A therapist said I was a narcosis triangle.I don’t think so because I reflect on my actions.I am direct and try to be honest,I have done a lot of emotional work on my childhood.I am wiling to talk about being abused.My issue is that when people in my family say or do hurtful things I stand up for myself but I get depressed afterwards.I have disc issues in my neck and my orthopedic said it’s causing my head ache’s,dizziness and also feelings of anxiety,horrible shoulder blade pain.I am seeing a therapist my son seen she said no way am I narcosis.Part of me thinks what if this diagnosis is correct and it’s the magic key to solve my depression.Also I fear am I in denial out there hurting people.Is there a good book or workbook for someone who is diagnosed with narcosis triangle ? Is there a quiz to take ? So far everything I come across is help for help those who have been victimized by this disorder ?

  • rustandmoth@yahoo.com'
    anonymous
    July 18, 2016

    Superb

  • JulieRichard@yahoo.com'
    Jane
    August 23, 2016

    […]ROBINSON.BUCKLER @ YAHOO . COM BROUGHT MY Ex BACK….

  • sandyschmidt1001@msn.com'
    Sandy Schmidt
    September 11, 2016

    Deeply insightful, well-written article! Self-reflection and healing is a journey!

  • wcbonneytx@gmail.com'
    Cody
    September 23, 2016

    What a great read. I love how you call on us, the victims, to take responsibility for our own lives and the people we let in them. My ex N discarded me a few months ago. It has been extremely painful, emotional, and eye-opening to say the least. A couple of weeks after the discard, I knew something wasn’t right. So, I’ve been in therapy since. Recently, the N has started triangulating me with my best friend. I told him I respected his decision to choose who he spends his time with, but that I will have no part in it and will not allow her in my life in any capacity. Luckily, the guy stuck by my side and the N is out of the picture for good. Let’s hope it stays that way!

    Best wishes to all of you going through the growing pains. I know it will be worth it in the end 🙂

  • soniajgale@yahoo.com'
    Sonia Gale
    October 20, 2016

    Fantastic article. I’ve been struggling with a narcissist for eight years and didn’t realise until I read this that I was deeply involved with triangulation – stuck at the bottom as a victim. For all this time I’ve been a puppet on a string living a life of misery in my endless quest to ‘make the guy see sense’. I just didn’t get it – but now I do. Thank you Melanie!

  • idn1313@yahoo.com'
    DJ
    November 3, 2016

    Wow. I have read countless articles about this subject, and this one really hit home. I don’t know if it’s that I am at the exact right moment to receive this information, or if it’s that you have explained it in such a way that identifies to me so completely, but thank you. Thank you and I intend on letting go off the attempts to ‘save the crazies”, to let go of my own unconsciousness and become conscious, and most of all, letting go of the energy applied to the Narcs, and stop placing myself in the bottom of this triangle. So ready for this, so looking forward to being free.

  • karin.eliz.hansen@gmail.com'
    Karin Hansen
    December 21, 2016

    I just found this article this morning and found it both informative and terribly, terribly sad in the sense that it confirms what I did not want to admit. There’s nothing I can do to “win” in my situation. There’s nothing I can do to make the people who were my friends see the truth. I’ve been baffled by the inability of very intelligent and educated people to see the evil in my boyfriend. (He is enormously good at what he does and has been careful to never erupt in front of anyone else, never commit anything to writing and he uses social media to make himself very present in their lives and to make himself look like a wonderful person)

    I am baffled by the fact that they adore him and tell me I’m delusional.
    I am hurt and horrified that it has turned into a mob mentality situation in which I have been painted as the “crazy one” and “the problem”. My boyfriend/narc already has two women in my group of friends lined up as his next possible partners so he can maintain this group of people who will reject and judge me and embrace him.

    It’s unspeakably painful and sad but it would seem that there is nothing I can do. When I am strong enough to leave him, I lose. I lose all my friends and have no support system at all.

    It’s just so unfair and I wish more than anything I could back 3 and half years and walk away and certainly never introduce him to anyone.

    Too late now…

  • lisaking0409@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    December 23, 2016

    To know that Im not alone in this type of abuse that alone has helped me to heal in some ways. I use to talk with friends abiut it and tell them what he was doing and although they sympathized they had never known anyone to go through what I was going through and it made me feel so isolated and alone. Then I began to search the Internet and just type in certian behaviors and finally figured out what I was involved in. It has been 2 days since I haven’t communicated with him. 4 months since I finally had the courage to get him out of my home and away from my daughter and I. 7 years wasted on an imaginary future.. 7 years of being played,shamed,blamed,accused and abused mental and emotionally.It feels good to be free of him out of my home,but yet I still feel I have a long road ahead. Starting over at 50 wasn’t in my plans,but then again neither was the wasted years spent on someone who will always be this abuser. I really do appreciate articles such as this. They definitely do save lives and give courage to go on when all hope feels lost. Thank you all for sharing your stories and most especially thank you to the author.

  • captgo54@yahoo.com'
    glen osborne
    January 1, 2017

    wow it is possible to imagine anything and sell to someone. of course there are always links to the truth or the real, but these quickly get covered up by the story.

  • katslondon@hotmail.com'
    kate lannoy
    January 8, 2017

    Thank you for this blog. I’m really interested in fully detaching from a sister who I still allow to keep her hooks in me. I don’t know why, but I think I’m beginning to see some of the reasons just from reading this article.

    I have distanced one sister after she sent me yet another very lengthy email, condescending in tone, accusing me of things I had not done and denying things she had done. It was very hurtful and destructive, causing the breakdown of my relationship with my nieces, her daughters, who simply do not want their mother breathing down their necks if they spend any time with me. Berating me for ‘intruding’ on her family by asking to meet her daughters, then telling me she ‘would never dream’ of asking to meet my daughter, despite having asked me several times to meet her and me arranging with my daughter to meet her auntie. I really tried to create family bonds among our adult children, but it’s a losing game and I’ve given up.

    I had to reach a point where I could feel that I could ‘survive’ without my family and not worry at all if this sister started a triangulation with my older sister. I think was also influenced by other people saying ‘family is family you have to forgive and forget’ leaving me feeling there was something wrong with me if I couldn’t accept my sister and her abuse.

    Now I don’t discuss my family with other people, I make my own decisions and that is, I will not engage with people who abuse me, lie to me and themselves and dump all their anger on me.

    On the subject of triangulation, we were raised with that game, by my mother and we continued it with each other, I believe because we were all trying to avoid being the scapegoat! However I lived overseas for many years and on my return to my home town and my family, I was able to see more clearly what was going on and began to work my way through it.

    The very worst triangular game was played by my older sister, who informed me that the younger one was using my identity. To cut a long story short, with my older sister pushing me, I had to eventually threaten legal action to get her to stop and of course, I was the ‘evil sister’ for threatening legal action. How could I do that to ‘family’!

    My older sister then befriended the younger one, agreeing I was a terrible person for doing this and dripping poison in her ear for years, until she became very ill after the death of her only daughter, and I was excluded from the news of my nieces death, and it felt to me, that my older sister took great pleasure in informing me that the younger sister had also died some months before and did not want me informed or present at her funeral.

    The older sister now denies ever telling me about her using my identity, denies telling other family members not to inform me about my nieces or my sisters death. That was the turning point for me, I had always believed that you should never cut your family out of your life. I began to understand that I needed my family too much and they knew it and used it to abuse me.

    Now, I am detached, I don’t need them. I’ve always been independent, never asked them for anything and the fact of the matter is, there would be no point in asking because they don’t have anything to give.

    I am now at the last stage. I have to detach from my older sister. I don’t know why I continue to communicate with her via email or why I feel the need for contact at all. Maybe because it is the only family member I’m still in contact with and feel it’s my last link to family? I don’t know. I certainly don’t need her approval. Maybe I still need to feel I have family?

  • txocctherorg@gmail.com'
    elizabeth
    February 21, 2017

    I am 59. Abuse started while still in diapers. By the time I could talk, I was already thought of by family as a manipulative attention seeker, a gift from my abuser. It might have destroyed me had I not been exposed to the world outside that house that was evidence they were liers. At a very young age I decided to disregard comments from anyone I don’t want to be like . Just never tell them that. Eventually they became transparent to a child and had no idea. Since no one played with me, it was not hard to let them think I hate a stupid toy I saw on tv only to get it for christmas.

    no one was the wiser it was just what I wanted. Early on, I became impecable, no lies, never gossip, etc. I needed to know the things they said were not true and thats how

    i did it. I learned how to perform well for its own sake, because there would be no recognition. I did not escape without one deep scar. We all get 2 chances at belonging to a loving family. No one needs the second chance more than us. I was deeply ashamed of my family and feared if anyone knew, I might be thought of as messed up deep down too. When ever a relationship was at that crossroad I bailed. Even if I knew he wasnt that way I could not exclude the possibility that one day in the heat of an argument, my spouse might take a cheap shot, and that was more than I could bare. Stupidly I gave up the possibility of what I longed for all my life because I have serious trust issues that dont even meet the realistic test. I am admired and liked and known for being a loyal friend, lover of the Lord, and a good judge of others who reflects my mistrust on to people who deserve better. Just sitting here writing this I’m thinking about giving it another go. Mate up I mean. 59 is too late to make babies, but not too late to adopt a family to belong.

    One final word..For more than fourty years I have persued the science of family dynamics. When I started nothing was published on non incestual sibling abuse and narcissism was considered extreme vanity,, not a personality disorder. Willful ignorance prevented me from realizing who the true abuser was. Emotional incest of my sister committed by my mom as a surrogate coparent in the absence of my father who was working was where the whole damn mess got started./ I forgave my self for being ashamed of them. When I took Jesus’ gift of redemption. That led me to forgive everyone else. Giving up the illusion that ones own mother loved them is painful. The utter waste in squandering so much joy is hard to comprehend. I know there is a purpose to my life independent of their love and what
    i endured prepared me for a life of adventure better than my wildest dreams. As a yacht chef I was well paid to go all over the world in style. Living well is the best revenge.

  • kitlinapai@hotmail.com'
    Kit
    February 26, 2017

    Thank you so much for this brilliant article! I really appreciate your honesty and wisdom in how to deal with this kind of dysfunction.

    I was wondering if you may have written anything on narcissistic abuse in the family? Those of us who haven’t had a healthy foundation to compare things to, often have false beliefs about ourselves that persist even into adulthood. In my case, the narcissists are my elderly parents – so the dynamic has been going on for a very long time.

    It’s interesting to me that they both play the role of the rescuer for the other, and both can be quite manipulative, and use emotional outbursts or triangulation. I’m often the scapegoat, as this has been my allocated role as the youngest. As a result, I find myself constantly needing to validate everything I feel, think or know. I’m also the truth-keeper, which is very exhausting when you’re dealing with people who make a habit out of dodging responsibility to protect their egos.

  • bungalowbetty11@gmail.com'
    Bettyblue
    March 30, 2017

    Thank you for your wisdom, Mel. I’ve just had a bit of an insight about a long term male friend and realised that he’s narcissistic and, with absolute horror, that he’s been using me to triangulate with his girlfriends! I got to know him about twenty years ago – one of his girlfriends was – and still is – a good friend and he and I worked together for a short while. We’ve never been in touch regularly but he bobs up now and again and we catch up – or so I thought. He’s quite an intelligent, charismatic, good looking guy and, I guess, my weakness was that I was flattered to be his confidante.
    Looking back, it’s so bloomin’ obvious – the odd stories about his family that never quite added up, the obsession with the girlfriends (he likes them tall and blonde) who were always ‘wonderful’ while he was chasing them and ‘crazy’ once caught. Every relationship ended messily. The multiple jobs, the multiple friends, his frighteningly dedicated legal pursuit of someone who scammed him. He’s either the life and soul of the party or completely absent and uninterested – there’s no middle ground. The financial oddities with his wife. According to him she’s spent several hundred thousand pounds of his money in the three years they’ve been married. How? Where did this money come from? Why didn’t he speak to her about it?
    But what really gets me is this – I was widowed 9 years ago and, I can now see, that at that point my usefulness to him went from ‘cosy shoulder to cry on’ to ‘person I can unsettle current girlfriend by visiting’. I was perfect – a widow, so kudos to him for being so charitable, plus I lived several hundred miles away, so a trip would take at least a day. I never met most of his girlfriends, so I was this unknown, widowed woman friend from way, way back, who he would need to go and see for a few days. Looking back, the worst one was a Valentines Day weekend, where he turned up with an ex gf in tow. He had told me they split up some weeks before. She looked completely haunted (he had told me she was neurotic, which I believed, and he then told me he had brought her because he was afraid she would harm herself) Worse still I had booked very expensive tickets to a comedy show for myself and my son, only to find that my son was on a school trip. I really wanted to see the show and tried everything to get the ex-gf a ticket too but with no luck. So he and I went to see the show. On Valentine’s Eve.
    Looking back, I can’t believe I was so naïve, or that I was ever part of causing anyone so much pain. I didn’t know then but I do know now. He’s just phoned me for the first time in six months (last contact was actually me telling him about a job he might be interested in). I’m not going to answer his message.
    Oh and by the way, karma has got him in the end. He doesn’t see it like that, of course.

  • dandelion2319@yahoo.com'
    Sandy
    September 10, 2017

    I think people need to stop telling people they shouldn’t feel their feelings. When a person is abused, a person needs to feel the emotions connected to that abuse to move on or get over it. Not allowing yourself to really feel what you are feeling is bullshit. And friends that distance themselves from someone who is going through those kinds of emotions ARE NOT REAL FRIENDS. Seriously people need to stop blaming victims and turn off their emotions. If you are mad be mad, if you are sad, be sad. It won’t last forever if you deal with it then and there. But if you stuff it down and evaluate what you did to sub consciously cause your own abuse(like that is some crap fyi) then it will never go away and it will manifest in unhealthy ways later.
    Not all our trauma is from childhood. An adult can be traumatized. And when somebody abuses you whether as an adult or a child, it hurts. There are bad people in the world, and sometimes good people get hurt and IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT!

  • ayameyana@gmail.com'
    Esther
    November 21, 2017

    I came across your blog a year ago, and tried following the quantum healing program. I was in the middle of giving my heart to a narcissist- not wanting to see all red flags. I was too anxious and terrified and the program amplified these feelings, so I quit. Now, almost a year later, (I believe) I have stepped out of the relation when I suspected I had become part of a triangulation. Things already seemed to go bad in that I again and again tried to break up lately, and this time I felt as if I was looking at us as if being in some dramaseries where it almost reached its climax.

    I am not sure of my reasons for having been in this relation, because I was quite aware of what was going on. I am sure a previous relation I had was also with a narcissist, so I guess it caused me to be more alert this time. Maybe I wanted to understand him, or myself. At one point in the relation I felt so anxious and my wellbeing going downhill, that I started seeing a therapist. I thought I had to fix myself in order to see things more clearly. And I still believe it is so. Just like Melanie says, I do believe I need to heal these wounds inside myself. Not only in order to never give my heart to a narcissist again, but especially for my own steady wellbeing and satisfaction in life.

    The first n- boyfriend really left me soulless, and I walked around like a zombie for several years (perhaps it even left scars?) Now, after the second n – boyfriend I simply feel the pain of my wounds and the usual sadness of saying goodbye to someone precious. Even though I know he purposefully hurt me, I think he perhaps realizes that his ways will cause many heartbreaks and/ or break-ups in his life. It’s the only reality he knows. I am not really vengeful in that I rejoice in him feeling hurt and lonely either. Perhaps his wounds and mine are somehow similar, in that we both were neglected, hurt or abused as a child.

    I am not 100% ready yet to do the Quantum Healing Program now, because I feel very vulnerable. But I do heed Melanie’s words, in that I want to feel the wounds and not deny them and punch them away.

    About the triangulation: he actually positioned his ex in the role of a rival. When I saw her eyes looking at him as if he were a god, I knew she was still his victim. A year ago when I wrote to her that I think he is a narcissist, she answered: ‘everyone is a bit of a narcissist, you too’. So, even after he had cheated on her with me, she still protected him. Until now (a year later) she still believes that I am the “bad guy”. Which I suppose I truly am from her perspective. I wonder if she is ready for Round 2 with him, although I can’t tell if he really wants her as a “girlfriend” or that he simply used her to control me.

    It is annoying that I have these moments that I obsess about what he is doing, what his plan is. I am not looking forward to the hoovering, because it hurts me to reject him (or anyone for that matter) and do no-contact, even though it helps myself. But somehow I think he knows that he can’t control me anymore. Our last talk was actually quite nice. I told him that I didn’t feel heard and respected. But I also told him the positive things and the dreams I had for our future. And that I wish him the best. I read somewhere that some partners of narcissists also need the drama and over the top conflicts, as if they are both addicted to it. I knew that this ex always yelled and screamed and cried and physically abused him. But I always wondered who the abuser was in the end. Does being with a narcissist can make you abusive as well?

    I perhaps it somehow can. I think my mother who always aided my father, making him top priority in our family, made her neglectful and even abusive to us. Randomly yelling at her children (for I have no clue why). She shut us up, silenced us, all in order not to “upset” our father. The sudden yelling, followed by a smile and a cup of tea is really outrageous to me. I can’t comprehend and for many many years I even stopped trying to understand. My mother not so long ago expressed some worries about my father, how he has changed. But I feel quite cold towards her, and I told her: I don’t know, you chose to be with him so you have to deal with him. I think I hold her responsible for me and my brother’s misery. Even if it was my father who is the narcissist, I think the sadness and unbelievable pain I feel of my mother not protecting us and emotionally being there for us is just as excruciating.

    In the end, when it comes to relations, or even being alone, I want some peacefulness and also joy. I find myself moody and sad quite often for no apparant reason.

  • victoriaelizabethbrown@googlemail.com'
    Vee
    December 31, 2017

    Thank you for everything you do- I went through a narcissistic relationship discard after seven years. Your blog posts and NARP programme saved me. I’m still working on things but I always return to your blog and healings. My new partner has a vociferously narcissistic set of parents and all you’ve taught me has helped me through it- it’s helped him too I know. You’re a real star and a light – I have a long way to go to uncover all my blind spots but you have given me so much- I send lots of love and gratitude to you- you’re an inspiration. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 2, 2018

      Hi Vee,

      you are very welcome and I am so pleased you have been able to heal and empower you and help your partner as well.

      Bless you.

      Mel xo

  • countparas@yahoo.com'
    P
    June 8, 2018

    Thank you for this.
    What can I do to heal ‘As a child being scapegoated, blamed and distrusted.’ part in the article.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 9, 2018

      Hi P,

      Are you healing with NARP?

      If so, either Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module can be used to clear those traumas and also the NARP Forum can assist you with free supplementary coaching to help you shift the specific traumas https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Reneegmelch@gmail.com'
    Renee
    July 2, 2018

    I am so happy I stumbled upon this article
    Obviously I was looking for answers and you clarified for me that I am not insane and he is indeed intentionally using my reactions as power
    I always say it seems as if you get some sort of high from hurting me
    And now I know it’s true!!!
    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he would constantly threaten me ith his ex wife
    And one night we had a terrible fight and he slept there
    I was so enraged and he proceeded to stay there for another night
    I couldn’t believe he would do this to me

    Then he came back and kept telling me
    He was sorry and he only went there because I threw him out and he needed a couch to sleep on

    Now I know it was more than that
    It was a power move

    I’m disgusted by myself that I alllowed him back
    And still fight over the weekend looking for answers

    Why would you do something so horrible
    Are you still on love with her

    I still wonder if he is and it’s was an attempt to get her back

    I’m so sad but this article helped me

  • imllr5@mail.com'
    Jayne M
    July 10, 2018

    I have two narc neighbours, I lived through hell because of them for over eight years until the law dealt with them for their shocking behaviour towards me. Neighbours can also be a target for these lunatics. Unbelievable and frightening. Thank you for the article.

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