Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Do Narcissists Pathologically Lie?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 13
71
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Why do narcissists lie? Why do they struggle to tell the truth? Why do they often lie even when there is no apparent reason for them to lie?

Of course we may think it is to manipulate and twist and turn people and abuse them – to deceive and purposefully confuse others and hurt them … but is it?

Is there something deeper going on as to why lying is such an ingrained personality disorder for narcissists?

When you experience the trauma of continual lies, you may begin to question everything including your own sanity. You don’t know what is true or false anymore and things get so crazy that you start to question if the narcissist even knows the difference.


The times and ways a narcissist will lie are so vast that you could fill an encyclopedia with them.

One of the fastest ways to experience a narcissist’s lies is to try to make them accountable for a wrongdoing. They will make up excuses, create allies and fabrications to support their version of things. They will twist and turn facts and shift blame and come up with false counter-accusations.

Lying destroys relationships … and so many of us hate being lied to.

So … how do you reconcile that not only you were lied to, but also the entire relationship that you had with a narcissist was a lie? How do you heal and recover from that?

In this Thriver TV episode, not only will I help you understand why the narcissist lies and how it wasn’t personal, but also how you can heal and resurrect your life and the way you live to an incredible authenticity and the generation of consistent and wholesome truths.

Please know I understand how traumatising, mind-bending and gut-wrenching it is when we are lied to continually by a narcissist. I was, once upon a time, totally confused, sucked in and manipulated until I learned what I am sharing with you in this video today!

It is my greatest wish that this Thriver Tv episode grants you hope and a way through from the devastation of someone else’s lies.

If there is anything else you would like to know about this topic, please post a comment below and I would love to help you.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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71 Thoughts on Why Do Narcissists Pathologically Lie?
  • noogenesis@hotmail.com'
    Noo
    August 27, 2017

    I found this video to be exceptionally powerful, Melanie! I feel as if I leveled up on the consciousness scale. It was tremendously helpful to me in my journey to heal myself from narcissistic abuse. It helped me to reach deeper inside myself to find what I need to heal myself of internally. This video really spoke to me, and gave me a new and much-needed perspective for my healing. Thank you for all the wonderful healing and helping you do for me and many others.

    • wendyswanberg@gmail.com'
      wendy swanberg
      August 27, 2017

      Agree, such a clear and powerful message! It offers a rare hope for narcissists themselves, the chance of self-awareness as a path out of their own trauma.

    • leokhoury@iprimus.com.au'
      Leonie
      August 27, 2017

      Ditto! Very powerful and very clear. Many thanks for sharing and enlightening.

    • Betsyzm1@aol.com'
      Elizabeth P.
      August 27, 2017

      Thank you – this was the best information to date to help with a life-long struggle with a narcissistic older sister. I have followed you for some time…. several times you have “hit home” … this video did it again. My mother once stated “she will lie even when the truth is right in her hand”. As an adult the problem grew to a more malignant state. When caught she lies denies projects and destroys – all the while blaming the target / me. Trying to maintain a limited but decent respectful relationship is beyond challenging.
      I will return to this video again for understanding and again I thank you.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 28, 2017

        Hi Elizabeth,

        I am so pleased this resonated with you.

        I so hope it helps 🙂

        Mel xo

        • Jld4040@yahoo.com'
          Jean L.
          September 7, 2017

          Melanie, thanks for all the insight. It has really helped me.
          I have a question that you may be able to answer.
          My older sister seemed to change into a narcissist when she was about 40. Before that she seemed so normal and nice. I hadn’t had any contact with for years until she recently reared her ugly head.
          Now in her sixties I thought she might have mellowed a little but she is worse than ever!
          Does this disorder come on at a later age somtimes?

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            September 9, 2017

            Hi Jean,

            I do believe there can be a trigger event that brings it on. It’s rare but has been stated by a few people as a real occurrence.

            Wishing you healing for this – it must have been very painful – and still would be – for you.

            Mel xo

      • mallen22@hotmail.com'
        Megan
        August 31, 2017

        Hey Elizabeth,
        I have an older sister who is a narcissist too and I have experienced being the target of smear campaigns and well-poisonings etc. And actually I still do now, but I actually have some tools to deal with it thanks to NARP. This is a piece that I have struggled with and it is definitely tied into why I regularly have formed relationships with professional liars time and time again, even though I love truth and strive for honesty. It seems to come back to accepting myself for who I am right now (not what I was or what I could be). I too will be coming back to this. It is this piece that has held me in limbo for years. I felt like I would just be exchanging out liars and the effort and fallout is just so horrendous, it is not worth it until I shift out this piece. It seems to be more than just letting go and having hope for a new relationship. It really is about our own feelings and patterns around honesty and it does not have much to do with anyone else for the healing part of it. I am just starting to see how some people repeat these patterns their whole lives and we are lucky enough to have a way out, into a better option. I feel very fortunate to have found Melanie Tonia Evans’ meditations and teachings. I responded to your post because I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

      • Jld4040@yahoo.com'
        Jean L.
        September 7, 2017

        Elizabeth, your older sister sounds like my sister almost exactly! I could not have described her better myself.
        However after enduring her abuse for the last 25 yrs,
        I feel no obligation to be in touch with her because it never ends. It just never ends. Her own daughter (wonderful person!) doesn’t even have anything to do with her!

    • maryrosejobst@msn.com'
      Maryrose
      August 28, 2017

      Mel- as usual outstanding! Spot on!. If you want healing this is the place to be! I am thriver now living with inner peace and joy with the help of your videos and articles. I can spot people with NPD and simply set boundaries with no emotional drama. I know in their toxic lives they are wounded and damaged and function with the emotional capacity of young children. I often think of them as aliens pretending to be humans so they can get supply.They fake emotions because they don’t have a true self. They are incapable of empathy, compassion & doing anything for someone else. Everything revolves around their own desires and being victims. No matter what happens ,they honestly believe in their own distorted reality , that they are the victims and no one will ever be able to convince them otherwise . Once I realize this,it was so liberating because I stopped expecting them to behave as normal people. I also stopped taking any of their behavior personally. That’s really the key. I was able to accept that they are doing the best they can living as unconsciousness beings and I was able to move forward in my own life without looking back! Thanks again! Hugs Maryrose

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 28, 2017

        Hi Maryrose,

        That is awesome that you are Thriving!

        It is so true how liberating that is when we accept what they are and that this is NOT our reality.

        You are very welcome. Hugs and much love to you 🙂

        Mel xo

      • anna.suszt@gmail.com'
        Anna Suszt
        August 31, 2017

        I love your comment of thinking of them as aliens pretending to be humans so they can get supply. I will keep telling myself that when I have to deal with him about financial matters shortly.

    • deirdreelizabeth@yahoo.com'
      Deirdre
      August 28, 2017

      I am healing from deep narcissistic abuse after a 10 year “relationship/marriage” now with 3 small children. I would have never found the strength to end or understand this relationship without Melanie’s help. Watching her videos even post divorce always help to remind me of how very real my unreality was. I would like to move past only listening to things about narcissistic traits to working more on how to stop caring so much about being accepted by others and behaving the way that I think they want me to behave. I do consciously do this and would love Melanie to give some examples of how we can do this, be authentic, and not care if it might be displeasing or not good enough for someone else. Thank you so much Melanie for all that you have done to help me grow so much to the point that I stopped self blaming for everything. However in social situations I do now find myself criticizing myself internally and feeling insecure about my looks and feelings and going over conversations in my head that I feel normal self loving individuals would not give a second thought to. If you could post about this I would really appreciate it!!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 28, 2017

        Hi Deidre,

        Please know we all really have suffered from trying to seek love and approval from outside of ourselves.

        I truly believe cleaning that up is an inside job – you will not “feel” like that until you stop feeling like that. Which means healing the traumas of WHY you feel like that.

        That is essentially what the inner work of NARP is http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp: all about cleaning up the traumas of trying to seek love outside of ourselves (co-dependency) by healing the original traumas (childhood) where our Inner Identity wasn’t able to grow up as a solid Source to self.

        I truly don’t know of ANY practical ways to fix it, I only know how to heal it at its core.

        Does that make sense?

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2017

      Hi Noo,

      I am so pleased this truly resonated with you and has helped.

      Bless you 🙂

      Please know you are very welcome!

      Mel xo

  • Jennifermchase@yahoo.com'
    Jeffifer
    August 27, 2017

    Definitely Wetiko running the whole show on the malignant end of the spectrum. It’s sad, but to help heal humanity we absolutely must heal ourselves first and foremost. Great episode! As always, thanks for sharing your experiences and insights. ❤️❤️❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2017

      Hi Jeffifer,

      I agree 🙂

      You are very welcome and thank you for being a Sister on this awakening journey!

      Mel xo

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    August 27, 2017

    powerful mel thank you ..hard to stop shifting the blame when iv live with this pathological mad one but yes my ultimate lie was always staring at me …thankyou ….

  • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
    amanda B
    August 27, 2017

    Thankyou for this . Much love, Sue is right – the lie began with myself…..Conditionally loving others, including myself – a very harsh reality to face .

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    Ocean Breeze
    August 27, 2017

    This video takes on a totally new meaning now that I have started doing quantum healings. Although new, and just getting started, miraculous changes have been taking place. One of them being closely related to this video. Being able to detect danger happens without thinking. As you say, and this it 100% true…….you can just walk away from potential predators. Not having that junk in my body gives them nothing to work with and manipulate. Melanie, there is a new person being created from the outer shell of an old person……..and it is exciting!!! This is not a frightening situation…..rather it is a powerful and strength building way of living.
    My Mindfulness Meditation experience is serving as a basic grounding for this more advanced form of thinking,living and relating. Finally, the time has come to get involved with the blog that works with the healings.
    Once again I thank you Melanie for being a trailblazer….finally meeting narcissism face to face and winning the struggle…….it just takes the effort, work and belief.

    • deborahwdickson@live.com'
      deb
      August 27, 2017

      Well said Ocean Breeze. I’ve been listening to Melanie for two years now and have extricated myself from a narcissists and two codependents whose lies and abuse were destroying my healing process. The people who have come into my life are truthful, do not lie, gossip or betray. I’ve never felt more centered or grounded and by separating them from my physical life, they leave my mental and spiritual existence alone a little more each day. I was diluting myself that they were capable of loving me. I will no longer allow them to use or abuse me again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2017

      Hi Ocean Breeze,

      I love that your inner and outer worlds are shifting 🙂

      I agree it is so exciting – and we start to feel truly ALIVE!

      Keep doing such a great job – and please know how welcome you are.

      Mel xo

  • H.boggia@btinternet.com'
    Helena
    August 27, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Just love your vids, cannot get enough of them.

    I completely understand you when you say we, the ex partner of a narc are also operating from a false self. The codependent self. I can see how my codependency originated from my early years and I took on the role of a caretaker, people please etc to cover the pain I was in. That’s how I coped with life. And yes I agree that having a narc come into my life has really been a god send otherwise I would never have got in touch with my stuff.

    Melanie, I am doing ok but for one thing…..I cannot get this man out of my head. I am continually playing scenes in my head of what I am going to say to him if I see him. He lives just under me. It is obsessive thinking but I cannot seem to stop it. I know that obsessing is a way to not feel pain.

    Do you have any suggestions I can use to stop this.

    Many thanks and please keep the vids coming. They are life savers.

    • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
      Ocean Breeze
      August 28, 2017

      Hi Helena……Having been a Co-Dependent like you, your post caught my attention. I was able to go to a special program for a week to deal with that several years ago. When you spoke about having a man still in your head….right away I though to myself that you need to do a Quantum healing…..
      Melanie will be along soon to comment on what we all have to say……..I do not want to sound like an advertisement to become a Narp member…..but I have been there big time………getting relief and moving on is the most amazing gift I have received in decades!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2017

      Hi Helena,

      Thank you and I am so pleased you enjoy them 🙂

      Helena are you working with NARP and detoxifying the trauma that is causing those obsessions to stay wedged and operating within you.

      That – doing the Program – is the way to get free of that.

      It’s the Quanta Freedom Healings in NARP that got me and most of us completely clean and free.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • jennysherrell@gmail.com'
    Jenny
    August 27, 2017

    Thank you so much . As always you put things in such great perspective – reminding us that the power is always with us – and what we concentrate on we attract.

  • imagine.stace@gmail.com'
    Stace
    August 27, 2017

    Wow, I absolutely could not stand liers, this makes sense Mel.

  • imagine.stace@gmail.com'
    Stace
    August 27, 2017

    Mel, I love how you mentioned it feels so “clean” not to be affected by liers. Never thought of it that way before.

  • blu.noah@gmail.com'
    Paul
    August 27, 2017

    Thank you so much Melanie. My ex narc is very charming and knows how to seduce. It is already a year that I split up because I unmasked her but she keeps doing things to purposely hurt me. Somehow, she is still under my skin though I am stronger than how I was. I have learned that narcs are evil, thus we have to stay away from them. We were not in love with them but with the character that they have created to make us fall in their malicious plans for narcissistic supply and self gratification. Xxx

  • Scoopanuts@aol.com'
    Ginnie
    August 27, 2017

    Melanie…what I want to know is, when narcissists lie to get you in trouble (mine cut himself because he knew I’d called police and he told them I did it), is this still unconscious or do they KNOW? Does he really believe I cut him with the glass?

  • Mrs.mzz1@gmail.com'
    Marina
    August 27, 2017

    Magical healing from your great knowledge, Melanie. I love it. I’m thankful for your videos.
    My ex narcissist enjoyed lying, I could see a glow on his face when he completed his mission “impossible” and was getting away with it undetetected. He acted cool, charming and cheerful, the happy liar. Nobody was suspicious about him, people used to question me about what was going on.
    I think my children are turning into narcissists.
    I was looking for some videos on your channel.

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    August 27, 2017

    I loved this so much, so very insightful and simple but profound. Something really clicked. It moved me to tears, because I have healed enough that I could bring my authentic self to listen. What I get is this: Any draw and or pull toward the narcissistic person, is a direct reflection of what is inauthentic still in me. The repellant to narcissists, is authenticity. That is when I remove myself from the false reality because my true self no longer has anything in common with the lie or fantasy. There is nothing to stick to, no adhesive left. The biggest most deep lie, is that ‘nobody REALLY loves me’. This was the set up that lead to what I call, the deal with the devil. I am not calling the narc the devil, here. The devil is the lie I once believed, that I am not lovable. Now I do! I love me, and the more this reality permeates ALL of my being, all the parts, the more whole I become. I find myself crying with joy, quite often, as I take in, real love. It is in the intimate connection I feel with God, that I am finally connecting to what it means to love myself, and live in the powerful true reality, of being connected to the source that holds the universe in place. It is so different from a false love which attempts to grasp externally, what I can only grasp by the inward journey that is faced with humility and a lot of compassion. If i could encourage anyone here in this community, I would say, “never give up, keep mining for gold, it is real, and you will find it”. Thank you so much Mel, for showing up, standing up, and standing for your own authenticity, and thereby the authenticity of all you touch.

    • scoopanuts@aol.com'
      Ginnie Gibson
      August 27, 2017

      I love your comment! You get it.

    • zootozen@gmail.com'
      kristen leone
      August 28, 2017

      You took the words out of my mouth Ruth. In tears. It takes courage to do what we do in healing and thriving. And we have lots of courage. My best days are when I’m faith filled and fear free. I look forward to more of those days. Thank you for sharing.
      Mel, this video is hugely powerful. So helpful and inspiring. Thank you.

  • karencarter21@yahoo.co.uk'
    Karen
    August 27, 2017

    Everything you email to my mailbox Melanie seems to be when I am asking for guidance on that particular question/issue with my ex narcissist. My son asked me what a pathological liar is and ping .. there is the answer in my mailbox.. it is synchronicity at its best. I have hit the jackpot to my transformation from victim to thriver bring directed to you Melanie, by Leila Reyes.. as I have never read so much material that resonates with my experience and found anyone anywhere that gets it… until now! I can not wait to get started with the healing process you offer and want to thank you for the important job you are doing of empowering those decimated by being close to a narcissist, to radically learn, shift and transform their pain into self power!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  • yoshilange41@gmail.com'
    Michael
    August 27, 2017

    Thank you. You are totally spot on with this video. It is something to not be affected by all of the lies that are thrown at oneself. But as you have said before in many of you videos, it is all about us healing ourselves. We cannot expect anyone else but ourselves to heal our self. We are in charge of that, nobody else is. Thank you.

  • Ruth@yahoo.com'
    Ruth
    August 28, 2017

    Incredibly helpful! Thank you!

    I’m wondering how to deal with a child who pathologically lies? This is an adopted child with many other challenges, but who has always had dishonesty to the core. With age and reinforcement by the adoptive father who is an N ex, the problems he’s created and is getting into are becoming more serious. How does one parent a child in this dynamic and stay balanced?

  • aeustice21@gmail.com'
    Annette
    August 28, 2017

    Melanie you put out such wonderful videos. Thank you!
    I do have one question. How do you discern the calculated manipulation from the lies they tell because they actually believe it to be true?

  • melaniedestcroix@me.com'
    Mel
    August 28, 2017

    This came right on time! I know that the judgment that I feel towards liars is connected to past narc abuse, and disengaging while being aware is the best step forward. I’m happy that this liar reflects that there is still a bit of stuff to release, but I hope to be able to observe their behavior with a mix of humor and empathy.

  • r.frangiosa@hotmail.com'
    Possum
    August 28, 2017

    Hi Mel

    Thank you for your timing with this message. I was in court last week for a trial, initiated by the N, and interestingly the N had no support with him as I believe he did not want his family knowing the truth about anything to do with his atrocious behaviour towards me. As expected he also had a N barrister who tried to annihilate me, and I stood my ground and was authentic, and well prepared. However, because I exposed the N in court, he is now trying to re trigger my fears as he desperately tries to obtain fuel and offload his malfunctioning parts onto me. I feel in some respects that this has set me back in my healing journey, and I have been moduling to try to relieve myself of this. Yes, I have found in my experience and from other thrivers, that Ns lie as often as the people that they are with tell the truth. I need to take the personal factor out of the equation, as the N predominantly uses lies to line me up for persecution with authorities. He states that I am the accused for all of the nasty things which he does, and then I am forced to defend myself as I cannot detach in the legal arena.
    I am determined to keep the focus on my healing, and will feel what I need to heal. Thanks for crystallising this for me, and redirecting me on the path to true healing once again.

    Xxx💐

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 29, 2017

      Hi Possum,

      You are very welcome. That is so wonderful Possum that you stood your ground and was authentic. That is powerful.

      It is so true that N’s will use lies to persecute, and it shouldn’t shock us – because it was always going to happen. But of course, it is still a terrible trauma to overcome – that terror of being persecuted, especially maliciously.

      You’ve got this Possum – you are doing a fantastic job. Just keep shifting the trauma out and showing up as your True Self – that is the most powerful force in the Universe.

      You are doing great 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Ryemartin@comcast.net'
    Rye Martin
    August 28, 2017

    My son’s father and my son are BOTH narcissists. I have gone no contact. It is much clearer to me now what is going on. It seems harder on some level when it is your child, but he, like his father is a pathological liar. I continue to get stronger with your program. Would like to hear from others who have narcissistic adult children. Mine is 22 years of age, and making one bad choice after the next. I realize I can’t fix this or rescue him anymore.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 29, 2017

      Hi Rye,

      I am so pleased that you are using NARP To heal this trauma.

      And my heart goes out to you – you are doing a fantastic job.

      It’s so true that you can’t rescue or fix him, or allow the abuse to you either.

      Bless you Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    August 28, 2017

    This one really hit home. Excellent topic.

    First, I felt guilty because when my life at home was so absolutely horrible I would cover up and present a “peaches and roses” front at work and with friends. I know I embellished the truth and lived in a make believe world because my reality was so bad. The end result was a horrible depression.

    On the other hand my Son and I have just within the past year started to acknowledge what a huge liar my Narcissist X really is! A lot of things have just vanished off my property and were supposedly taken by a man who lives nearby and is a professional thief (criminal record both current and going back 10 years – he has a pending case for multiple car break-ins).

    Our Narc has supposedly told this person to never set foot on the property again etc etc. Recently I was home for a few days along with my Son and this man actually stopped by the house like nothing had happened. My Son told him in light of what he did he was no longer welcome. The guy had a very puzzled expression on his face and left.

    My Son later commented to me “Don’t you think Steve’s reaction was odd considering Dad had supposedly said he had already told him not to set foot on our property again?”

    I don’t think we ever will really know what has been going on but I suspect the Narc has told them that it is ok to just walk in and take stuff and/or the Narc is going through my things and selling what he wants when he needs extra money.

    Let’s just say that because I have continually been visiting your blog I have become “enlightened” to my situation in ways I never thought possible.

    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 29, 2017

      Hi No Name,

      I am glad this resonated with you.

      So many of us did this. And I really do believe it was not so much us being dishonest to others – of course, we were being dishonest to self … we wanted it to be SO different from what it was.

      I am pleased you are getting clarity, healing and strength, and that I can help.

      Mel xo

  • anoushkamarcin@yahoo.co.uk'
    Anoushka Marcin
    August 29, 2017

    This video was a saviour for me I think I probably watched it 3 times. I have just newly broken up with my narcissistic finance of 7 years and although it us still fresh and very much raw, I feel a sense of enlightenment. I thought I was going crazy that I was imagining thing, even though my gut instinct was telling me otherwise. They are such intelligent, clever and cunning for their own needs. A mirage, facade: I could not see past it. And the best bit I am a trainee psychologist – I managed to get sucked in and spat out the other end. I only hope that more of us realise earlier and are able to recover effectively. What gives me hope is that I am not the only one and that there is a life after this emotional, psychological and physical abuse.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 29, 2017

      Hi Anoushka,

      I am so pleased this has helped you.

      And that you feel hope for your future. There is so much healing and evolution from these experiences for us!

      I know you will find that!

      Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Elina
    August 29, 2017

    Dear all,
    This blog is very useful but sometimes it makes me feel even worse. It’s tough to hear that a person I thought was my darling, had all the time some “sinister agenda”. My n wasn’t so bad, I think. I think most of my suffering came (I’m now much better than some months ago when we broke up) from…not so much what he was or wasn’t, how much n was etc…It’s not so much about how much he possible abused me or what he did to me, but I’m disappointed, that he wasn’t and can’t be “the one” I had been dreaming about, probably my whole life. I thought I had finally found a “safe harbour”. So yeah, that hurts. But what is comforting me is this thought, ending of a relationship always hurts and disappoints, even if the man would be completely normal person. I hold on so tight of this dream of him as my “soulmate/the one”…that I ignored all the red flags and that’s probably I endured all his bizarre behaviour for so long.
    But despite being a n, I could swear some moments he was genuine and normal, as “normal” as a n can be! We talked about sports, nutrition, dogs, culture…that was all very nice and sincerely, enriching my life. But it’s all over now. I’m sad sometimes, but I can forgive him, everything. It’s sad he was “born this way” and probably will never change.

    But: Already over a decade ago, before the n, I had a relationship (or so I thought!) with another man, and this was not a n. I could say he really abused me. He just used me as long as it was “convenient” for him, promising me real relationship and everything…until he found the “real thing”(?), this other woman, and he dumped me immediately. It took me over 4 years to recover and in the beginning, the pain was so much I just wanted to kill myself. It’s horrible to think now, that once upon a time I really felt that way. And all because of a man, who is a total…swine. When I think about this case, words come to my mind that are unsuitable to type here and I still feel a strong resentment towards him, like I can’t forgive him. I was thinking this just yesterday; why I can so easily forgive the n, understand him (that the way he behaves is because he is wired that way) and he has even helped me to see what I need to heal within myself. It’s unbelievable (but true), that this “normal” man was actually much worse abuser!! He actually abused me and made me feel abused. The n is not conscious what he does, he does not understand that he can make another person suffer, because of him. But when a so called normal person abuses and hurts and probably is aware of it…I don’t even know what to think about it, it’s just horrible.

    I do not defend my n or n’s. They are what they are. But that doesn’t “matter”. What matters to me, was this realization: What role he played in my life. There is so much written here in this blog how bad n’s are and how fake they are. But I think he came into my life to finally release myself from my past, from my childhood patterns. Or he did not “do” it, but he was the catalyst to my healing process. I think it is incredinly beautiful idea, and just about as real as it gets! On surface level he was of course “fake”, but this deeper meaning…. And this other, non-n man; he just was abusing, and I was left with nothing but bitterness. So I think teh world is not so black and white; “n’s are bad and non-n’s nearly angels”. Seemingly normal, non-n men can have too very unhealthy and unwholesome motives to enter/maintain/end a relationship..and that caused me even more damage than this n. So yes…I’m confused, not sure what to think about this all.

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      No Name
      August 29, 2017

      Elina – this is what is so odd to me about N’s. They can seem perfectly normal for a while and then just do the craziest things to you for no apparent reason whatsoever. I guess they have triggers too. Likewise our major N appears to have some redeeming social qualities and he is also very smart and talented.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 29, 2017

      Hi ELina,

      my take on it – is absolutely N’s act out as they do, often in very specific and even “common” ways – but their agenda is NOT personal.

      It is simply the result of inner wounds (the disorder) and surviving the best way they can.

      This Community is also all about us taking the gift of our personal healing from this – that is what is key. And an intense gratitude and soul love occurs for N’s, for so many of us, when we do that – it’s just that we may not necessarily want to continue the cycles of abuse with them.

      Wishing you healing and relief Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

  • amy050269@icloud.com'
    Amy
    August 29, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    I absolutely loved this episode.

    Again, this message came at the perfect time for me. I am looking forward to moduling tonight. I feel as if this is where I was stuck in relation to my children in which the N has used them against me.

    Forever grateful for the work you do and bringing so much awareness to our souls who desperately know that we are worth so much more and deserve the life that we desire.

    Love,
    Amy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 30, 2017

      Hi Amy,

      I am so pleased it resonated with you!

      I love that you are on the Thriver Path uplevelling.

      We totally do all deserve a wonderful Life Amy.

      Thrive On Dear Sister!

      Mel xo

  • lynetteclark@hotmail.com'
    Lynette
    August 29, 2017

    At the age of 64 I am finally confronting my NPD husband after 42 years of lying/cheating/financial,verbal & emotional abuse and confronting my own ‘need to please’. He has lied about everything in the 46 years I have known him – as you said, even when he doesn’t have to. And I have believed him. He has ‘turned his life around & repented before God’ (his words). He has turned into ‘Mr Wonderful’. This time I realise that it is Hoovering again and he can’t quite understand why I am not buying the lies. After all he has four degrees, including a PhD, and I am ‘an uneducated liar’ (his words again). Fortunately our 3 of our 4 grown children can see right through it and I have great support. But because he is a charming, very articulate man, most other people believe him. It is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life but I am strong, fit and healthy, have a good job and a good lawyer. Your YouTubes have been an integral part of my self education. Two psychologists and a counsellor had no idea what i was going through or how to help me! You have come in to my life at exactly the right time 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 30, 2017

      Hi Lynette,

      I am so happy for you that you are feeling strong and that it is your time.

      Big Kudos to you 🙂

      Sending you best wishes and much power and truth, and I am so pleased I can help.

      Mel xo

  • xenia.wordart@gmail.com'
    Zainab
    August 29, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for sharing. This one is deep. I know I had a lot of charges of indignation and self-righteousness around lying, cheating selfishness etc.

    I wonder how you would deal with judgement?

    With lies, the solution is to find and shift out ‘where I am being inauthentic, where I am presenting a false front, faking it, or charges on people who lie’.

    What if I notice self-righteous judgments about others? For example: hypocrisy, cheating, stealing, manipulation, shallowness, wasting time, or whatever I notice I might make automatic assumptions about.

    So do I find a corresponding aspect of it in me, or just load up ‘SHR of this’? Asking the question leaves me feeling that this is what you’re going to say; stay literal, feel into it and shift. :-). (I am posting anyway, in case judgement can be treated differently. In the mean time, am doing shifts .)

    I realize I have a lot of judgments. e.g., my mom was a lousy mother. And that would be a self fulfilling prophecy for myself? So I really want to remove all judgement of others. It’s not my business, though it is an automatic reflex that I’m working on now.

    Thank you for this video. Your videos are worth viewing again, to digest. NARP has also brought me incredible peace, solidness and real confidence, for which I thank you deeply.

    Gratitude and blessings!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 30, 2017

      Hi Zainab,

      you are very welcome. I love your self-honesty and that fact that you are working so diligently on your inner shifting.

      To target the judegment – I would simply state “What energy blocks are in my body causing me to ‘judge’ in any way.” Then just follow where it lights up.

      And naturally – too – the SH & R is the cleaning up, and the tartgered stuff is what I said above … Your body will find it and make it “felt” for you.

      That is all you need to do.

      I hope this helps, and I am so pleased NARP has helped you heal so much 🙂

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    T.
    August 29, 2017

    Hi Melanie!
    Something bothers me…I think during my life I’ve already attracted 2, possibly 3 n’s! Even one would be too much! Now I’ve gained the understanding, that things do not happen to me, but through me. Somehow I myself have been the “source” of this experience, even though I never consciously wanted it, of course not! I see now, it is the childhood “woundings” that caused this. But now I don’t understand: my sister is just one year older than me, and she found her husband when she was young and now they have been happily married over 15 years. My sister is balanced and normal and would never ever tolerate a n, not even one minute! But I, I have endured them…years 🙁 I have struggled my entire life with love relationships, and at this point of my life (41 years) nearly giving up hope of ever finding a normal, good man. It makes me very sad. I’m a good person and I would have a lot to offer for a man. So I don’t understand: me and my sister, same childhood, same parents, same family, same school, even many same teachers, same care givers when we were children…why she isn’t traumatized, at all…and I am? I see now, as an adult, that I have since childhood formed many “patterns”, limiting beliefs, and many “survival strategies” (which obviously do not “work”, as the result is attracting n’s and other abusers). Why this happened to me, what’s “wrong” with me? 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 30, 2017

      Hi T,

      This I would love you to deeply understand in regard to our wounding.

      There is only one true way to resolve it. Accept it is there, meet it, shift it out and replace it with higher consciousness that will heal it. (Such as use QFH Modules in NARP on it).

      Any anaysis parlysis about why it is there, why others dont have it or even how it got there is not what can heal us. It just keeps us stuck in not meeting it within and releasing it.

      The short answer to the question is – this was not your sister’s soul plan. It was yours.

      There is nothing wrong with you – anymore than there was something wrong with me being filled with painful beleifs and trauma, yet two of my four siblings have great and non-complicated lives.

      Our path is just our path – its our soul created experience so that we can evolve. It’s what we choose at the deepest level of our being before we got here, and the irony is “we don’t remember that” until we start deeply meeting our trauma and healing it.

      Then we do.

      I so hope this helps you.

      Mel xo

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        T.
        September 1, 2017

        Hi Melanie!
        Sounds bizarre, but I agree, it makes sense 🙂 Thanks!

  • terriwilgren@yahoo.com'
    Terri
    August 31, 2017

    Hi Melanie. Thank you so much for all that you do!!!!

    Question:

    Has a narcissist always been a narcissist? Or can it develop over time? Does it get worse in middle age?
    The narcissist I was married to seems to be spiraling more and more into narcissistic madness with each year….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 31, 2017

      Hi Terri,

      You are very welcome and I am so pleased I can help 🙂

      To answer your question – any “crack” in the functioning – such as a submeged True Self and a False Self in its place, will get worse over time.

      Just as any dysfynction will in anything that is unhealed.

      Mel xo

  • meghan@meghangerety.com'
    megan
    August 31, 2017

    My ex would like about everything from if he actually had paid the electric bill to if he had had an affair. When I found I the truth, I just couldn’t understand – WHY NOT just TELL THE TRUTH? Your words help to understand a bit why.

  • Hannahleanefisi@gmail.com'
    Hannah
    September 16, 2017

    Wow this video was amazing! Sitting here balling my eyes out but i can understand every single word and i am going to apply it to my life and myself. Living in pain is getting too much

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