I’m all about empowering you against narcissists.
Sharing as much from their playbook as I can so you know what to watch out for when those red flags are flying in your face.
If there is someone like this in your life, you can be SURE they are lying to you about something whether you’ve discovered the lie or not – they are lying.
In today’s Thriver TV episode I want to remind you that it’s a person’s actions that count, not their words because a narcissist will say, “I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again.” And then they will re-offend over and over and over.
Because lying, for a narcissist, is how they mine you for supply and make your life a living hell. Let me explain what you need to do to stop living this trauma.
Video Transcript
We all know narcissists lie. Yeah, we do. In fact, they’ve been lying their entire life and they’re incredibly good at lying, even to the point of believing their own lies.
What does this mean? It means that you could fall for the lies and suffer enormously. And I don’t want that to happen to you, because my work is all about empowering you against narcissists.
So today, I’m going to give you the narcissist playbook, the seven most dangerous lies that they tell you to ensnare you, mine you for narcissistic supply and make your life a living hell.
But before we start that, I just want to remind you that if you like my videos subscribe to my channel, also hit the like and share, so that others learn that narcissistic abuse is not a life sentence and that they too can heal and thrive.
The 7th Most Dangerous Lie – We Have So Much In Common
All right, the seventh most dangerous lie is, from a narcissist, and this is when you meet them, they will tell you, “We have so much in common.” And they’ll act that, and they’ll tell you that. And you need to know this because a narcissist will feign that they’re your saviour and they’re your solution.
They’re going to pretend to you that they are everything that you’ve been looking for and waiting for, and that causes you to bond with them so that they can ensnare you and hook you up to be their next food source. It’s really important to understand that. We’re going to look at how you can stop that from happening to yourself in a moment.
The 6th Most Dangerous Lie – You Are My Soul Mate
Now let’s have a look at the sixth most dangerous lie, and this is after they’ve met you and then you’ve connected, but they could tell you this very, very quickly – you are my Soul Mate.
They could tell you that while you’re Internet dating and you haven’t even met them. And you’ve only been having text conversations. You are my Soul Mate. That is a ridiculous thing. I know that you may think that, “Oh, my heart feels so warm and you feel like my Soul Mate too.”
We’ve all been brought up on movies and romantic notions. And we think, “Oh my God, it is love at first sight. And it is Soul connection at first sight.” But let me tell you this, a conscious, responsible, mature adult does not say those things.
So if anybody says to you, “You are my Soul Mate,” before they’ve even got to know you, that is either incredibly codependent and needy, or it’s a narcissistic statement. It’s not healthy.
The 5th Most Dangerous Lie – I Will Never Lie To You
So the fifth most dangerous lie that a narcissist will say to you, and it’s a very ironic lie, when a narcissist will say to you, “I will never lie to you.” “I will never lie to you.” And you know what? Normal people don’t even say that. People who are honest and responsible people never have to tell you that they are. They just are. They don’t have to say, “I will never lie to you.” That is a big, big red flag, okay? I really want you to know that.
The 4th Most Dangerous Lie – I Would Never Do “That”
The fourth most dangerous lie that a narcissist will say to you is, “I would never do that.” And again, if you are a good, conscious, honest, responsible person, why do you have to advertise it? You don’t.
“I would never do that,” which means I would never play up on you. I would never disrespect you. I would never lie to you, which was the other one, but whatever it is, I would never do that. And “that” will be the thing that you don’t want to happen to you.
Maybe it’s been a pattern that you’ve had people cheat on you and the narcissist says, “I would never cheat on you.” Be really, really aware of that, because the narcissist has worked out what’s hurt in your life, what’s missing, and then they pretend to fill the gap and be that safe savior who you will never get hurt with again. And it hooks you into them.
The 3rd Most Dangerous Lie – I Used To Do Those Things, But Now I’m Reformed
So the third most dangerous lie that a narcissist can say is, “I used to do those things, but now I’m reformed.” So it could be, and again, just know good people are just good people, they don’t need to advertise what they are. You have to get really attuned to this stuff.
So I used to cheat. I used to play up, but now I’m reformed. I never do it. Really be aware of that. And you may say, “Yeah, but how do I know? How do I know the difference?” We’re going to get to that in a little while. We’re going to talk about that soon, okay?
I’m going to lay out the lies and then I’m going to talk to you about how you don’t fall for them and how you know that the difference between somebody who’s telling you the truth and somebody who’s lying.
The 2nd Most Dangerous Lie – You Are My One And Only
The second most dangerous lie is, “You are my one and only. I’ve never loved anybody so much. I will never love like I love you.” Because the thing is, for most of us in this community, relationships haven’t been easy. We’ve had painful relationship patterns and we’ve probably had more than one partner.
Or even if you’ve had a long-term relationship with a narcissist, by the time you’re in your thirties, forties, fifties, whatever, the people who you’re getting in a relationship with have had relationships. Generally, that’s the truth. And for them to say, “You’re my one and only,” well, first of all, we shouldn’t be so needy and insecure that we’re the “only, or the one and only.” All of this again is idealistic love, which is not healthy. It’s not mature. And it’s not what healthy, good, grounded people say.
The 1st Most Dangerous Lie – I Am Sorry And I Will Never Do It Again
The first most dangerous lie that a narcissist can say to you is, “I’m sorry and I will never do it again.” Now why do I say that that’s the most dangerous lie? Because words mean nothing. They don’t mean anything.
Anybody can say anything they want to, and narcissists absolutely say anything for an agenda. To get supply, to get you to drop a boundary, to get you to hook back up to them, they’ll say whatever it takes.
It’s a person’s actions that count, not their words and a narcissist will say, “I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again.” And then they will re-offend over and over and over, because a narcissist never heals within them the reason why they’re doing stuff and they do re-offend.
In my opinion, they’re the seven most dangerous lies, of course, there are many others, but I really consider those ones. Why they’re dangerous is because you may not pick them up, because they’re subtle and you have to understand the truth about human composition and character. And the biggest thing, and I’ll say it to you again if somebody is advertising their decency, be very suspect. Good people don’t advertise it, they’re just good people.
How Do You Stop Living This Trauma?
How do you stop living this trauma? Well, why is it trauma? Because you find out its lies. The words meant nothing. They re-offend. They do the things that they say they’re not going to do and you’re living it, and it’s a trauma.
So how do you stop living that trauma?
You have to stop lying to yourself. You have to stop believing words that have no real-life action and substance. I’ll say it again. Words mean nothing. It’s a person’s actions. It’s their character. It’s who they are in the world that counts.
So how do you know the difference? Remember, we were confronting that before. How do you know the difference? There’s only one way you’re going to know the difference, and that is to take your time with somebody. Really be aware of them advertising what a great person they are, for a start. Don’t get involved with somebody who goes, “Oh my God, you’re my Soul Mate,” and you barely know them. Don’t do that.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Take your time to get to know people and have really healthy boundaries. When you’re starting off a relationship with somebody, really retain your life, your boundaries. Don’t just hook up with them as soon as they want it.
You would never buy a car or a home without having inspections on it. But how often do we just throw our heart, our Soul, our body, and our heart – we open up everything to somebody that we don’t even know.
Take your time, have your boundaries, keep it platonic. Don’t jump straight into bed with people, that’s really, really dangerous. And so important to trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, investigate, ask questions, lay boundaries. If your gut is going off and you go along and you don’t honour it, you pay a horrible price. You know that you’ve already lived that. I lived that.
Now, this is so important, because if somebody’s lying to you, you’re going to end up being an investigative researcher in your relationship. You’re going to be a detective. Now, if you have to be an investigative detective, and you’re asking for somebody’s passwords to their social media, you’re checking their phone when they’re not around, you’re going through their stuff, and your feeling like that, you are in the wrong relationship. You’re with somebody who’s lying to you, absolutely.
And if they’ve lied to you, and you’ve caught out that they’ve lied to you, know that this is a horrific character deficiency. Because healthy people who are non-narcissistic, yeah they may say a white lie every now and then, but they’re not pathological liars. A person’s character is their character.
So your question really needs to be, not so much why does this person lie? I’ll tell you why they lie because they’re a false self. They’re a narcissist, it’s what narcissists do. But the true question you need to ask yourself is why am I staying attached to a liar? And that’s what requires your deep investigation and your healing. That’s the only way to get out of these relationships.
Conclusion
I know how confusing all of it is, and that’s why you need really good guidance and resources to be able to help you get your clarity and your power back. And that’s what I love providing so that people don’t just get the information about narcissists, they can really heal from all of these toxic relationships.
The first resource that I’d love to grant you is my free narcissistic quiz. And that’s going to help you get clarity as to how exactly you’re being deceived and lied to, and what that really means for you. There’s the link to that with this video in the description, or you can click the link that appears now.
And also my free webinar, which is going to help you get out of the fear and the trauma and the confusion of being lied to, so that you can take your power back. So again, the link appears or you’ll see it in the description below.
I hope that this has helped you and helped you get really clear about those subtle things to look for. And I’m so looking forward to your comments and your questions below. And if you’ve related to this and this has happened to you, please let me know.
Thank you
It’s my pleasure Graham,
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie
Why do I keep trying to convince myself that my narc isn’t one, when all the evidence is there. Nothing you mention isn’t him x 10? I have listened to many of your videos. Why can’t I leave him? I know I must. He has totally convinced me that I am at fault, he makes up things he says I said so that he can pick a fight, be mad and go to his new boyfriend, yes boyfriend who spends more money on him than I can. 7 years of this on and off and up and down, I am going to go insane. He told me he loved me before he met me, he always tells me how clever he is, how nice he is (how much other people like him) yet he has no friends, just me and this new guy who has been around the last 10 months. What is wrong with me, I have only had healthy relationships before this one, so this isn’t a pattern for me but it is killing me.
Hi Tercia,
please know this is so normal – thousands of people including myself did this!
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to understand this deeper as well as how to get free from this.
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Two more lies to consider:
1. You will never find anyone like me.
2. I have never loved anyone more than I love you.
Absolute vomit from their mouths.
I am always being told both of the above
Oh yes absolutely George!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yep, so true
Wow! This is so far the best and most practical list I’ve read. I’m going to copy it and hang it on the wall. I know a narcissist and their ways and can spot them pretty quickly now except in my relationships! The advice you’ve given here is the step by step guide to have in your back pocket. But even better is that is it made me realise when and how by searching outside of myself for validation and getting caught up in the ‘feeling good’ part of that, I become the fish on the end of the hook. I can’t explain fully the lightbulb that has just switched on after all these years after reading this. We are the only one in control of ourselves unless we hand that control over. Thankyou Melanie for flicking the switch, providing one of the most functional lists and being the constant reminder in my inbox over the years.
Hi Jodie,
I love how you have said, “the fish at the end of the hook”. It is so true!
Im happy that this resonated deeply with you.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
After I left him and the marriage I now see from these words how manipulated I was.Originally he had told me if I didn’t get myself down here…to him it was over.So I came to here.I was so in love with him…after being together a year and some we married.He changed after.I know I was imperfect but everything was always against me No matter how much I did to show my love.He sent me several emails after leaving….grobbling then threatening things….then some of these….you are my soulmate….we did so much together……im sorry…..i will never ….again….im so..sorry….i will always love you.Then he turned it all around to make me the guilty one….saying I hit him with my fists….i slapped him…..i could not have ever done these….he had chocked me and try.d to get me to grab his neck in bed once….but I could not and would not….noway!I said.I always try.d to walk away n he’d grab me and keep on…..He even said people would find truth about me and my special needs son very sick!but he one kept keep in him there n taking monies…i profited nothing….since I fixed up house always paying half … And my name was on nothing.Guesz I was the fool here.I left broke with only some clothes in a bag n papers.I reached out cause I just couldn’t take the constant walking on eggshells and his abuses to me.My son couldn’t say nothing cause he’d threaten him.Hell never realize I truly loved him.I lived through a he’ll and though I have to forgive and heal….it will always have that blackspot in my soul….people don’t understand the pain of waking up and realizing you love someone who cannot truly reciprocate that love.I was his object….he once said it to me …he patted my backshoulder and said “I have what I need right here”. I realized then that I was dealing with one whose supply I was…instead of “who I need”.I would never objectisize someone I love.But he did show hate….he said it himself…..and sent the most hateful….vile letter to one of my family members about me.And it had some very ugly lies and accusations about me and a family member….so I guess the stuff he said in emails after I left was really a threat if I didn’t return…..to smear me and my mildly retarded son …..for me leaving and not returning.I left No contact because the ones helped me get out told me no contact.It was so difficult.And only one I really had to talk to or cry was God.I know I say Alot but people we do fall in love.I will always love him but I guess the marriage was over when it began….i wanted to spend my life with him….i believed I would….til God opened my eyes and I kept praying but nothing got better just worse….i did not want to leave….i just had to.I did not feel alive anymore.I was in a black hole .It is very heartwrenching to know you love and aren’t loved …..that you go from asking God to save your marriage and help him stop this….and crying to sleep all so quietly so he don’t know….to praying God please rescue me….deliver me.Noone ever knows how my heart was like a million pieces of broken glass and as if it were ripped from my body!When you leave it’s a grieving worse than having a loved one die.Yet I been accused of such evil vanity as being in love with my own family member….just because this crap happened in his family…so it makes me guilty in his warped mind….. .its very saddening .I could never do these wicked acts against God.I would not be able to live.But I know that I am at peace with God because today He is the only man in my bedroom.My Lord Jesus.My ABBA Father.I don’t wish I never met him because I will always love him.I have memories .And it is all a learning experience for which I must grow from and part of my life’s journey.I found your site very helpful when I left.A year later and I still have my counselor….but I am not on pills.I pray.I meditate and sometimes I cry.Thank God we have feelings.God bless.I hope this helps someone else to awaken and help themselves .I hope you can love yourself,find how much God loves you and find help and begin healing.I am still working on me ,my goals..doing things for me.I know I can because today I know I must have faith in God and myself.Reach inside and find you.Think about the good parts of your in most being.Tell yourself you are a good soul and you are worthy of love ….within yourself and a Heavenly Father if you believe in God.Pluck out the ugly you been fed and replace it with the beauty you know you possess.Tell yourself .Try Melanies quantum healing.I try.d it for awhile.It helps.Thank you all.Peace to you and blessings.
Hi Elizabeth,
I am so pleased that you are healing your soul.
Thank you for blessings to all, and please feel our love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Elijabeth thsnk you for the details
Only is that have gone through the rcperience can feel and giving supporting prayers to you and to so many othres in the world. I know how to take over my lifeestablish boundaries and avoid him so ss to enjoy peace and hsppiness in my home. I thank all those invluding Melanie that have givrn us council of how to take everything back grom the enemy’s camp
God is not with the Wicked and we are going to have the victory over the evil one
He is aking forgivness for his shouting but I know je will do worse later. So I stop minding his anything he says I ignore and i got victory. I trust our yedhua He is our best friend He never let us down. God bless you and make you happy.
Hi Melanie,
Everything you’ve said here is so true from my experience. My ex (currently going through the divorce motions) has said them all and continues to try and suck me back with lines like ‘you looked lovely today’, ‘I think of you every day’ and ‘I really miss you’ messages. When I allowed him to return 20+ years ago after our first separation my grandmother warned me that ‘leopards don’t change their spots’. I should have listened then. His messages leave me cold now.
Hi Caroline,
it’s really wonderful that you see through all of this now.
Many blessings to you
🙏💕💚
Everything written here is exactly what happened to me. From when I first met him until now. The lies and narcissistic abuse still continue today.
Hi Jan,
sending you the strength to pull away, heal and honour you.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Great tips Mel! Years ago I met a guy for the first time for a coffee. He arrived late and hung over. During our meeting, I asked him what he was looking for. His reply was “Someone just like you.” I dumped him pronto. Had to get the police involved to stop him from calling me. A Big Red Flag. I never saw him again. Whack Job. He was angry that I called the police. I was glad I did. Do whatever it takes to keep these people out of your life! Nobody healthy needs them and their garbage.
Hi Susan,
great work!
Yes, this was inappropriate! I think it is really wise to vet people before dates with a few emails, and a phone conversation.
In my humble opinion this usually weeds out a lot – but of course some can slip through the cracks.
I love how you honoured you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks for this. It was very timely. My ex has been leaving messages on my phone (despite his restraining order) and is on a loop with pretty much all of these seven lies, punctuated with threats to smear my reputation and discredit me. I know I shouldn’t listen to the messages but my old fears have been bubbling up and I’ve been acting on them I suppose.
So thankyou for a little dose of sanity today. You have been one of my main sources of strength in the last year Melanie. I’m so glad I found your articles and info.
Hi Breaking Free,
it’s my pleasure. Yes please detach, turn inwards and heal those fears.
Then you will soar and he will be toast!
Are you working with NARP? https://courses.melanietoniaevans.com/p/narp It is my highest suggestion for you to take this to the next and truest level.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you for your video.
If your partner doesn’t say nearly all the lies you mention does that mean he’s not a narcissist?
Hi Rachel,
it’s my pleasure.
Please google my name plus “Am I with a narcissist” to look more deeply into whether or not your partner has narcissitic tendencies.
I really hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Why do they get emotional when they talk about a sad story or about someone they barely know.
Yet he has done such evil hurtful things to me. I am his fourth wife, his previous and the divorces were all their caused by them
Hi Rose,
without seeing the situation I don’t know.
I do know that narcissists do whatever they can to get attention and energy from others.
That would be my guess.
Mel 🙏💕💚
That sounds like the BIGGEST lie of all… his past three wives all caused his three divorces. Sure… not!
Is this course in Portugal Portuguese, I know someone who desperately needs your help right now but she doesn’t speak English?
Hi Phyllis,
I’m sorry, only in English at this stage.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Great!
Thank you Melanie
x
It’s my pleasure GG!
Mel 🙏💕💚
To me the saddest thing about some of the red flags on this list (especially “I would never do that” and “I am so sorry I’ll never do it again”) is I see survivors of narcissist abuse say these things after tiny conflicts, with outsized guilt about minor harms, because their abuser taught them to grovel. Good people who are so smacked down by narcissistic abusers (often parents) they immediately retreat into begging for forgiveness about, you know, a miscommunication or the laundry or the dishes, because the narcissist taught them it’s grovel or get destroyed.
It’s been a major source of conflict in a relationship where we’re both NA survivors; I used to feel like my partner was treating me like his ex and he couldn’t handle any conflict without falling into these stock phrases that placated the abuser. But it can get better. When we love and heal ourselves it can be enough to say “I’m sorry” without the groveling; or learning how to disagree without feeling accused of something horrible. Narcissistic abuse warps even these very important communication skills for survivors, and if you’re reading these words going “oh God am I a narcissist too??? I apologise that way” no, narcissists never ask that question. But it means you have a lot of healing left to do.
He lied consistently. And hurt over and over again when he promised he’d never hurt me again. The pain is so deep. Thank you for all your wise words
Love your work Mel always spot on because it’s the truth … ❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏
Hi
My ex narcof 11yrs said most of these things to me so on point. We divorced 3weeks ago but instead of trying to contact me he has gone cold no communication what so ever its good for me but is this of been a narc or could it be has found a new supply? He lies constantly though to our mediator about everything when it comes to our child yet im in no contact with him. Im abit confused as to whats going on
Heard all of this for years from my gay narc…another added layer…. Being gay….. he has control over my adult children
Thanks Melanie Tania Evans again. Iam more able to gain valuable insite into my existence and feel more myself every time i keep pushing and pulling myself into doing this self study. GREAT . It’s been marvelous 😊
I’m so pleased that my work has helped you William!
Mel 🙏💞🦋