Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Narcissists Cheat And How They Get Away With It

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 10
21
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

The sordid and terrible truth is that most narcissists cheat. They simply don’t possess the moral code to care about and respect others … it is all firmly about them.

And, they have the ability to barefaced lie, grandstand their version of their integrity and infidelity and gaslight you horrifically into believing you have serious paranoia issues, and it’s your own stuff ththeat is causing you to doubt them.

Additionally, even if caught out, the narcissist can still play dirty tricks, like come up with new evidence to discredit what you know, make it your fault, or even discard you saying they were leaving you anyway.

How do we get released from this toxic torment? How can we know whether a person has the susceptibility to behave like this or not?

I promise you, there are ways we can be more aware, safeguarded and generate a life of sexual wholesomeness and trust after the trauma of narcissistic infidelity and that is why I wanted to grant you with this very important video.

 

 

Video Transcript

Okay, let’s jump straight into this Thriver TV Episode because this is a topic that so many people are dealing with in their narcissistic encounter … infidelity.

The reasons for this are simple – psychopathy, which is an inherent sickness of narcissism. It means that someone has the inability to respect and care for the moral code of others. Conscience is lacking, and there is no guilt associated with lying and cheating – the narcissist is operating merely on their own behalf, to fulfil their own agenda.

Quite simply narcissists are selfish, entitled and all about themselves. They don’t care about what they do to other people, they simply care about how their life may be affected if they are caught.

Attention from other lovers is one of the favoured ways that a narcissist can seek narcissistic supply, which is the acclaim and significance to feed the False Self to make it feel important. To have affairs and seek sexual stimulation outside of ‘committed’ relationships requires pathological lying, which a sociopathic person is totally capable of doing – including straight to another person’s face.

Narcissists feel like they can’t survive on their own, they need another person to have their false and ‘non-existent’ self mirrored back to them. A relationship offers that, (no matter how sick and distorted it is) to have another in their life to allow them to believe that they are significant and feel alive. When alone, narcissists cannot escape the engulfing of their inner wounds.

We may think that this desire for another is about ‘love’, but truly it isn’t. It is about addiction and neediness. It is about having as constant a source of narcissistic supply as possible, which includes fulfilling a sex addiction, which of course the primary partner can’t meet sufficiently to keep feeding the narcissistic ego to help it always feel propped up. Hence why outside sexual partners are sought.

 

Something Feels Off

There is something icky and unsavoury when we are with narcissistic partners, sexually, that makes us feel uneasy. Many of them have come from histories of infidelity and may profess that this not how they operate today. Also, they may have bragged about how they have had many sexual partners throughout their life.

Here are some things to definitely look out for:

Lack of integrity in other areas of their life, where they say bare-faced lies to clients, family or friends to make excuses, get out of something or cover their tracks for selfish non-caring behaviour towards others.

Sexualisation, meaning that this person makes you feel objectified. Does he or she regularly make comments about your sexual or body parts, and comments on your looks often, rather than connecting to your ‘person’, soul and emotions in ways that nourish your spirit?

Ignoring what you are doing, connected to or what matters to you and tending to have conversations about your physical attributes or sex instead.

Trying to have sex with you, when you are not in the mood, without connecting to you first in endearing and loving ways.

Making comments during sex that feel off and even disgusting to you.

Losing sexual response when having slow, tender sex, and needing rough, hard or erotic sex to stay stimulated.

Wanting sex with you when you are sick, tired or (for example) after you have had major surgery with no regard for your health, wellbeing or feelings.

Keeping and watching pornography of previous lovers.

Making dossiers of women and keeping albums and files on them (like trophies), including explicit and intimate photos.

Refusing to take personal responsibility for their sexually pushy or objectifying behaviour.

Constantly questioning your fidelity (pathological jealousy) or believing that you would never stray because there is no better man or women than what they are, and you would never look elsewhere (grandiosity).

Ability to start dating straightaway after a breakup, or the death of a partner, with no time out to heal, mourn or reflect.

The truth is, if this stuff is going on, you are going to feel switched off and empty after sex, unless of course, you are struggling with your own love or sex addictions, whereby the sex may feel very lustful and therefore satisfying to you, even though it will be fraught with threats of others.

The more you are in your heart and spiritual centre the less fulfilling it will be for you. The narcissist needs to seek lust, which is food for the ego to be satisfied with sex. This is unlikely to be satisfied by you as you start switching off as a result of being objectified. This is where new and extra-curriculum partners are required to satisfy this urge.

Rest assured, however, even if the sex does seem incredible, this is no way is a reason for a narcissist to not stray. Their ego is a greedy and insatiable entity.

 

We Feel Unsafe Yet Unsure of What is the Truth?

Narcissists are generally very skilled at cheating and covering their tracks. They will say whatever they need to, to make you believe that your gut feelings are wrong. And they will hide information – do things like put lovers under names that would never be suspected in their phones, as well as lock down certain information and details. Many narcissists have been playing these infidelity games for decades.

They may also profess that they always tell you the truth – even though you have caught them out on lies. If a person grandstands to you ‘I have never lied to you’ when you caught them out on lies, make no mistake this person is a sociopath – they have zero ability to take personal responsibility and face up to the fact they have lied, and trust needs to be regained. The narcissist is not interested in doing this, they are only interested in telling you what they wish to in order to keep operating as they do, in their delusional version of reality.

It can be so easy to doubt yourself when someone is looking you straight in the eye and professing that they have nothing to hide and that you have nothing to worry about when your twisting gut tells you otherwise. You know this person is capable of lying, as you’ve seen them do it in other areas of their life, and you know that they struggle with accountability, taking personal responsibility and being sorry for their actions that hurt others. Why would they have a conscience regarding extra sexual activity? The truth is, if this person is a narcissist, they don’t.

Additionally, it is likely that you know this person has a history of sexuality that is unsavoury, and you know that they have disregarded people as objects in the past. Quite possibly this person has left you feeling like this yourself. Maybe they have pushed sex on you when you weren’t well. Maybe they have ejaculated inside you without permission.

This is what I believe, that when we have done work on ourselves, and we are with people who have a conscience and intact integrity, we feel safe. Those who we know have poor integrity feel very unsafe, from an infidelity perspective to be with … and really why wouldn’t they? If they can lie about other things so easily, and are able to mine people for their own agendas, why wouldn’t that extend into the arena of sex? It is very likely that it does.

I love this saying, When we need to become a detective in our relationship, it is clearly in trouble. I couldn’t agree more.

 

Hoovering After Infidelity

So many people have been through the narcissist promising that he or she will never cheat again. However, if this person doesn’t have integrity or a conscience, and isn’t fully remorseful and taking complete ownership of what they have done, and feels entitled to be forgiven, have it forgotten and just move on (which narcissists do), then it will happen again.

Narcissism is full of boundary-pushing. If a narcissist knows that they can get away with something and you will forgive; then they just get smarter about how to cover it up next time. Even if he or she did try to be faithful for a time, the narcissist’s inner fractures and distorted wiring that causes them the sickness of narcissism will reappear and the narcissist will be powerless to stop their need to procure narcissistic supply from others again.

It’s an addiction, and if never healed, addictions win.

 

Projection After Cheating

Normal non-narcissistic people after screwing up and getting caught out – tell the truth. They are remorseful and cop it sweet. They don’t twist and turn and line up the person accusing them with projections. The ability to do this is totally sociopathic and pathological. It goes like this … lie told after lie to cover their tracks, then you being accused of being paranoid or cheating yourself and this is the reason why the narcissist wants to break it off with you.

Maybe the narcissist grandstands that it is all to do with the people from your past and your unhealed wounds as to why you can’t trust the narcissist – meaning it is your issue – and nothing at all to do with the narcissist’s suspicious behaviour.

This is where many narcissists trick their partner’s into relinquishing their boundaries, making them doubt themselves and think that it is them, even though their inner sirens are screaming. This is such a recipe for abuse and one that is beyond dangerous emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And physically – obviously you are exposing yourself to a host of sexually transmitted diseases to continue a relationship with this person. Narcissists often don’t practice safe sex.

To stay connected with a narcissist after this means that you won’t have the right to question or check up if something doesn’t feel right. Your boundaries and rights in the relationship are further eroded, as is your self- esteem and sanity.

This is totally my suggestion if you distrust the narcissist:

Be strong, and assert your right to have proof that the narcissist’s story is credible.

Check up, ask people and don’t fear looking stupid. Be prepared to lose it all including the relationship if you don’t have your needs met – which means: No proof no truth. You can’t continue a relationship without it, once trust has been threatened.

Refuse to be put off the track of receiving or finding out the truth. The narcissist will try to bring up every other subject to divert you and get you off topic. Don’t allow it. A true and honourable partner who cares about you will allow this and will have nothing to hide. It is only people with something to hide who are resistant to this.

I had an experience with an ex when he went missing, wouldn’t answer his phone and then called me half an hour later from the echo chamber of a toilet. He apparently was meeting up with a friend, who he refused to verify, and he would not allow me to meet them both for a drink. This ‘alibi’ turned out to not even be in the country at the time which I discovered when ringing the wife’s workplace.

Then, when he realised he was caught out on that lie, which he had previously defended with explicit lie after lie, the story changed to not even meeting up with anyone, going for a drive instead to think, and then dropping in a pub by himself for a drink, and then returning my call from the toilet for privacy (please … really??).  Yet I knew this was also him lying.

Previously I had asked his housemate about that night, and he told me he had rushed down a roast chicken dinner that his housemate had cooked him because he was running late to meet someone for drinks at 7pm.

If I hadn’t had the facts, I may have doubted myself. And I may have caved in to his persistent and brutal insistence that I had huge problems with paranoia and that he was 100% telling me the truth, and always had, which in itself was not true. (Infidelity about ex-girlfriend pornography that he had promised was deleted had previously happened.)

Thank goodness I had enough self-healing and power under my belt to cut the relationship immediately, go No Contact and never look back.

I am relaying this story, in my previous life, to you for a very good reason – to save your soul if you are put in a similar position.

Once we know someone is capable of cheating, lying and projecting (which may even include accusing you of cheating) this person is drastically unhealthy to be with. That is what narcissists do, and how they behave and all of us deserve so much better.

So, in closing, my absolute suggestion to you is to choose healthy people with credibility and integrity and who take responsibility for their actions and who care about and support others. This person may have been previously sexually exploitative, but who are they now? Do they tell the truth? Do their actions match their words? Do they care about the wellbeing of others? Are they generous, instead of doing life in relation to what they can get? Those are lovely indications of people who are unlikely to cheat.

Don’t stay in relationships with people who lack integrity. Not only will you not respect these people, you also won’t feel safe with them – and it’s likely you will end up suffering what your gut was telling you all along. We think we can change people into being decent people – but who they are at their core is who they are at their core.

If your gut goes off, then reserve your right to ask, investigate and seek the truth. If this person resists and refuses and projects than truly be a detective. You may be supplied with exactly the truth that sets you free. Even if you don’t receive the proof, get out … things are only going to get worse.

I hope this video has helped empower you, and please know I understand how hard it is when we are hooked in, to let go of someone who we desperately need to end it with. That is where my inner transformational resources can help you so much – granting you the inner shift to get strong enough to end the torture, get away and stay away from cheating narcissists, and help you heal yourself enough to align with decent real people with wholesome sexual morals and true integrity.

To get this process started, you can sign up for my free 16-day course as well as the invitation to my workshop, which will give you powerful relief, by clicking here.

So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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21 Thoughts on Why Narcissists Cheat And How They Get Away With It
  • jennysherrell@gmail.com'
    jenny
    August 4, 2018

    Thanks Melanie. I enjoyed watching this video from the position of someone who has finally ended 30 years of narcissistic abuse. I can now calmly acknowledge everything you say without any resistance, self-doubt, regret for the lost years or fury – and I owe my salvation to you and the NARP program. I still live close to the narcissist – who is the father of my child and he will probably always be in my life; however I see him so clearly now. And I have to give him some credit for being the motivation for my much needed self-growth. The inner work I did, brought me to self-love and dignity. And I now carry this strong inner core with me wherever I go. I never feel alone. Yet when I started this journey to health, I was so sick, I couldn’t imagine that things could ever get better for me; and I loved and depended on him so much, I couldn’t envisage a life without him. And now I’m free, happy and strong – again thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 4, 2018

      Hi Jenny,

      I am so happy for you that you have set yourself free!

      How wonderful you have done the inner work and come to this place. You should be so proud of yourself Jenny.

      Thank you for being an inspiration to yourself and others.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • bhoegen@asparis.fr'
      Barbara
      August 4, 2018

      Hi Jenny,
      I’m one year out of a 24 year marriage to a narc. Our story sounds identical. How long before you fully recovered? I too depended and loved him deeply but day by day I realize my self worth. Without Melanie’s NARP program, I truly think I would have died. A very intense life growing experience. Keep thriving Jenny
      Barbara

  • Yellow81@yahoo.com'
    Mandy
    August 4, 2018

    This completely describes the ex. Love and sex addict. I went thru so much pain. I’m healed now and have a beautiful lover!!! I really appreciate your videos and teachings, they have helped me so much!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 4, 2018

      Hi Mandy,

      I’m so thrilled for you that you are healed and out and living a completely different experience now.

      Thank you Mandy and I am so pleased and honoured that I could help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Tasha.bell@outlook.com'
    Tash
    August 4, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    I went through this cycle of abuse and cheating with my ex sociopath twice and was hooked in again the second time round being told what I wanted to hear and he even used another person who turned out to be yet another sociopath who posed as a friend backing his false statements. I would like to know what are the common wounds that create this kind of trauma to play out in our lives. I have since left my ex and it’s been many years and I would never fall for that bs again but I know that I have not healed the wounds in connection to that abuse that played out.

    Thanks
    Tasha

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2018

      Hi Tasha,

      Truly we do need to go within to find our wounds because they may be really unique to ourselves.

      With NARP you can target the traumas by calling on them, specifically, such as saying ‘I am targeting the traumas that have caused …..’ and then somewhere in your body will light up, and you can load up and remove the culprit.

      It is so much better to do this as direct communication with your body than try to guess what it may be.

      Having said that, some of the most common beliefs I have seen are ‘I can’t live without a man’ and ‘the people who love me hurt / betray / replace me.’

      There can be so many others responsible as well.

      Again the NARP Program is my strongest suggestion to you to powerfully and directly heal.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Ditadelempicka@googlemail.com'
    Dita
    August 4, 2018

    Thanks Mel for another shedliad of insight. I 1 year out, healed almost, thanks to you and my closest. Towards the end, I was fronting his game and got clever, had him on find a friend on his I phone and silently watched for 2 months all the locations he was at while out of work ( again, never his fault) and they didn’t tally. He was so mad when I confronted him and still said the info was wrong. His flying monkeys were totally backing him too. Many fantastic lessons learned, the hard way, but I am strong.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2018

      Hi Dita,

      You are welcome and it’s wonderful that you have strength and clarity.

      Power to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Caglloyd@icloud.com'
    Charlotte
    August 5, 2018

    I felt sick watching this and realise how accurate it all is. I have been lied to constantly for the past couple of years having outed my Narc and he totally turned it back on me. His reaction was ferocious so I backed down and blamed myself completely – I’d misjudged things and got it wrong. He however told all our friends, then saying none of them wanted to mix with me having proven I no longer trusted him and had proved I didn’t love him. He went on and told his colleagues so I get the cold shoulder from them too. I’d already said sorry and begged him not to blacken my name as I was trusting him now and realised my mistake. “Take your punishment” he says.

    The past two years has seen me left alone whilst he continues to see our friends. He’s also made new friends 20-30 years younger than him, going to concerts of music he’d normally not like and refusing to let me meet them or tag along. He goes out at the weekends with nil notice and only tells me when he gets back as to what he did. I feel most of this is a lie as he’s always hated being alone and never eats in restaurants on his own. Yet he does this now all the time saying he’d prefer that to having me tag along. I’m pretty sure he’s jumping to someone else’s tune. He’s getting increasingly nasty, sometimes giving me the silent treatment for weeks, but at other times being nice. I’m so confused. My mental health is suffering. But with your help I’m learning his nature and at last making contingency plans to get out of my prison.

  • getangelique@yahoo.com'
    Angel
    August 5, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    My ex didn’t like sex (also had sexual dysfunction and had claimed to be marred by Catholicism). After I went no contact he shamed me for having sex with him and 11months later is still trying to humiliate me for having been with him. He was very secretive so I suspect he had other sources of emotional supply. I have psychology background so he is still belittling me by email and telling me his conversations about me to others calling me a thief to other people. Still hurts and am just starting to get out into my activism again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2018

      Hi Angel,

      That must be incredibly painful and I wish you powerful healing and liberation from this.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue wyer
    August 5, 2018

    thank you so much I’ve been through all of it ..without you id be still in it ..im friend working on healing

  • Irene.zalewski@icloud.com'
    Irene Zalewski
    August 6, 2018

    Dear Melanie
    Thank you so much for your much needed insight, inspiration and true authenticity and clarity.
    Whilst listening to your video It reminded me of the abusive therapist , my ex-partners and finally at the feet of my mother and father. The thread goes all the way back and am now dealing with a narcissistic mother and sister, my father having passed.
    Thank you for this programme which I have only recently begun after a very painful situation with my only daughter who didn’t want to see me.
    I have spent my whole life trying to heal myself taking all the blame and all the projections, finally there is some space between this and I have a small glimpse of the truth.
    As a child I knew I would need courage, I didn’t know what for now I know.
    Thank you Melanie.
    Irene

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2018

      Hi Irene,

      I am so pleased that you are healing and unravelling all of this, so that you can break free.

      Sending much love and healing to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    LindaC
    August 7, 2018

    Oh Melanie, as I am hearing your story and then thinking about mine (so funny how narcs all have the same bs stories), I can just remember the depths of hell that I was in. I didn’t trust this man. I didn’t respect him. I didn’t truly love him. I felt uncomfortable, he did things that were creepy and until I got honest with myself, that’s when I finally broke free. I thank God everyday that I am free of the insanity (because that’s what it was like being with this person). I knew deep down inside, my soul was in grave danger. It was at that point, that I got out and of course started my journey in healing from a narcissistic relationship.

    Through trials and tribulations…I got to the other side thanks to your program that guided me through this journey that connected me to me. Something I always lacked.

    If anyone is in this situation right now, please please please, love yourself enough to break free. Know that you will be ok once you start doing the work on yourself. No one needs this kind of human being in their life. NO ONE. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve better. I wish everyone lots of luck and sending out vibes of courage and healing. xoxoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2018

      Hi Linda,

      I adore your honesty about how you felt in this relationship.

      How wonderful that you turned inwards with NARP to unravel and release the hooks that were keeping you bonded in there.

      Thank you for being such an inspiration to yourself and others.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • bicyclehead@hotmail.com'
    michael
    August 8, 2018

    I like your cat.

  • gfoxyfox@gmail.com'
    Ger
    August 10, 2018

    Hi Melanie , I’m so glad to have found you , you really have helped to restore my sanity. I was with a man who I loved and I thought he had mental health problems, depression mainly. He played me for years and I got so caught up with the madness I was sucked in for 19 years. He said he had a job away and I got a phone call from a woman who he was living with. He had just started living a double life. He begged forgiveness the woman left. LI was so angry , the mask of niavitey fell and I doubted all he said I suddenly woke up to his compulsive lying. I was still very low and in love with him. After 6 months of me being very angry I made a decision to take him back and he told me he had met someone else a single parent with a teenage daughter just like our family. The next phase was him bullying me and devaluing me to the extent I was very fearful of him , he played mental cruelty games with me for years , stole money and rewrote a story for the court making me out to be the bad guy. I found evidence he was probably having affaires all over the place. I have learnt so much from you about his games. I’m so great full that you have turned your experiences into learning for us all. Our court battle is over I had to give him money which has cleared me out. I have my health and my daughter has suffered at his rejection and it is sad to see how this effects her life. He cut off from us completely. I don’t have any reason to contact him. I would be made a fool of again. I am so great full for these blogs. I feel like I have woken up. I still have fear that I may succumb to another person who is downright cruel and I would love to be in another relationship and share my life. I am beginning to feel powerful and am loving it. Life is good. But I do still have to remind myself of his cruel side as I did love him for so long. The funny thing is I felt safe with him but I now love myself. Keep blogging and thank you Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2018

      Hi Ger,

      I am so happy for you that you have come out of the fog and into your own power and self-love.

      You deserve the absolute best Dear Lady.

      Lots of love

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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