Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Survive A Devastating Break Up With A Narcissist

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 12
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

We all know what it is like …

We are reeling, and can barely breathe … let alone get up, get on with it, recover and re-start our life.

Trying to survive a breakup with a pathological abuser – meaning get away, stay away and heal after being in a relationship is one of the toughest things we will ever do.

Why?

Because we are hooked in and deeply traumatised.

We feel helpless because of trauma-bonding and survival programs activated within us, that make us believe we can’t live without this person.

It’s usual to feel like we are going to literally die.

I went through all of this, and I know so many of you have as well … or are experiencing this right now.

And that is exactly why I wanted to grant you this Thriver TV episode to truly get to the bottom of this to HELP you in the most powerful, fastest way I know of … to get clear, get strong, and become a force of power and truth who can leave …

… successfully.

If you are still with the narcissist knowing you have to leave, or have left and are struggling to keep moving forward, or experiencing the terrible twists and turns and horrifying emotions which are synonymous with trying to survive a breakup with a narcissist, it is my greatest wish that this video will help you beyond measure.

 

Video Transcript

Breakups with narcissists are devastating because it’s not just like we can flick a switch, leave and just get over it.

Why not?

Because we are hooked in and deeply traumatised. Which really means we are trauma-bonded and our deepest darkest survival programs are activated. Everything feels like it is under siege. Emotionally we feel terrorised and even like we could die.

And … the terrible thing is, being with a narcissist is like being pushed towards the edge of a cliff. We know that if we are still with a narcissist that things are getting direr and more tragic. And … there is no way of avoiding this, yet we struggle so much to leave. When we do leave there is a whole other level of challenge – which is ‘how to leave in our power?’

Usually, we will have many failed attempts to leave, or can’t even imagine doing it, because we haven’t yet understood or addressed why emotionally we are still trapped and enmeshed with the narcissist.

Let’s start with the real place we need to look at. Which is how we feel when we are still hooked in and connected to the narcissist before we leave.

 

If You Haven’t Left

I want to get straight to it to help you in this video today so that you can understand the REAL reasons why leaving can be so difficult. Here’s the answer – it’s all about subconscious survival programs.

Deep within our subconscious programs are the beliefs, with the painful associated traumas, which have us paralysed in the fear of things like this: ‘Without you, I won’t survive’, ‘If I leave you, you will hunt me down and destroy me, or ruin my life in some way’, ‘I can’t generate my own survival, security or life-force without you’, and … other things like: ‘If I try to leave you, you will take away those that I love to punish me’ … and many others.

(Are your vibrating inside with cellular knowing that you are carrying any of these? You will feel it if you do …)

And … if we have these deep epigenetic (meaning acquired from our ancestors), past life (believe me past-life still-existing traumas in our energetic body are responsible for so much) and childhood terrors coursing within us, which match the narcissist’s threats and disgraceful behaviour, we may feel literally powerless to leave.

Boy, do I relate. This was huge for me and was so responsible for me going back over and over again until these beliefs and traumas were addressed in my body and healed. And then I was able to stay out and away easily.

With narcissist number 1, I wasn’t able to for a very long time, when I didn’t have the tools and the knowledge.  Yet with narcissist number 2, because I did have Quanta Freedom Healing and knew how to shift traumas from my inner subconscious programs, it took me only 3 days after doing No Contact for me to disconnect all longings to return to him ever again, and I never did.

So I cannot recommend this enough – no matter what your challenges and traumas regarding leaving are, whether they are real-life issues without or within, tackle them within. Do the inner work, because once you shift your inner subconscious programs that are generating your life-reality to the letter, the outside must shift.

 

Where there is no way to leave, a way to leave will appear, and you will start to be able to generate the powerful emotions, boundaries and resources to do it. Many, many people have worked the NARP Program with success whilst still living, working or co-parenting with narcissists. It still works even if still connected.

 

Setting Emotional Neutrality As Your Goal

This is the utter truth: The more energised your feelings of pain, betrayal, shock and the like … meaning, if you are still angry, victimised and in the throes of the agony – this is going to make your emotional survival of breaking up with a narcissist really painful.

And of course – I want to validate you totally. Of course, you are going to have these feelings. It’s normal and human and a part of the entire process of healing. But we need to meet them and shift them out so that they don’t get wedged within you and continue to indefinitely wear you down, strip your life-force and literally eat your soul alive. History proves to us that often ‘time’ doesn’t heal narcissistic abuse, whereas the specific inner step-by-step Thriver Recover work does.

‘Emotions First’ is the total key – which means: As the Quantum Creator of your reality from your emotional/energetic being – you only have the power to change yourself to change your world. If you shift how you feel about something and your beliefs regarding it on the inside, then the outside must follow. That is the Quantum Law of so within, so without which is as absolute as gravity.

And, this is at first totally counter-intuitive to everything we were ever taught, which was: try to wrestle whatever is hurting you on the outside to change how you feel on the inside. Yet this is the biggest wrong-town premise of all time. When we Go Quantum, we know this: ‘My true power is to change who I am in regard to something at the level of my emotions inside me and then that thing, in my reality, must shift to match my new Inner Identity on this topic.

Can you REALLY feel this – do you know how powerful this TOTALLY is?

When we are leaving a narcissist and trying to survive a breakup with them – there is no higher time of necessity than to get onto this stuff. In fact, in my honest opinion, if we don’t evolve ourselves to this true level of human consciousness and operation, we can only at best try to just go through the breakup instead of growing through it, and we miss the breakdown/breakthrough experience. We don’t evolve as a result of what is happening to us … we dissolve instead.

It is so sad to see that, because this total Quantum Law and the way to apply it is missed in so many narcissistic abuse recovery experiences, that most people have the ‘break’ experience’ after narcissistic abuse rather than the ‘make’ experience. They painfully merely survive, and they certainly don’t do what their soul intended as a result – which is Thrive.

 

Aftershock

A very little understood phenomenon happens to us when we leave a narcissist and stay away. I call it ‘aftershock.’

This happens when all the traumas that never had a chance to be felt, because you were stuck in the fight for survival, now have the space to, and they hit like a freight train. Even though you may be away from the war zone and the abuse, so many people say that they feel worse, not better and even like they are going crazy or feel like they want to die. Aftershock pummels virtually everyone who leaves a narcissist, and it causes so many people to return to them. The feelings are so intense they feel like love and ‘I can’t live without you’.

Nastily, there is so much trauma-bonding going on, which is highly activated in this time of aftershock.  I am including a link with this video to help you understand more about why you feel so addicted to the narcissist and can’t stay away no matter how much they are abusing you. Again, the way to break this connection/ addiction/enmeshment is emotional. If we do the inner work on our emotional subconscious programs to break free from them – the feelings of longing, love and ‘I’ll die without this person’ are replaced by repulsion and then detachment and indifference.

When we are deep in the aftershock phase this is the time to batten down the hatches, be deeply with our emotional traumas, holding them and releasing and replacing them, to go free of them – rather than running back to the narcissist or trying to self-medicate the overwhelm away with alcohol, drugs or pills (or other addictive tendencies). If we miss this time to let go of what arises, we can be stuck with it inside us for a very long, arduous and agonisingly torturous time. That is your classic narcissistic recovery, whereas Thriver Recovery is the first so much healthier version.

 

More Helpful Resources

Before we wrap this Thriver TV episode up, I just want to point you towards a two-part article series I did a while ago on this topic, which will provide you with further links and resources to help you survive a break up with a narcissist.

Within these resources is further information regarding helping our children in the breakup, when we feel too guilty to leave a narcissist, how to handle the inevitable smear campaigns, how to guard against being hoovered back in again, being replaced by another and much more.

So if you know you need to leave, or have left and are struggling – my heart goes out to you because it’s a horrible time, its so hard, but what is great is that now we do have Quantum Tools and processes and step by step systems to help move you up and out and through so much more effectively and painlessly – and in ways that render the narcissist powerless against you, and I’d love to connect you to my transformational free resources by clicking here.

And if you want to see more videos make sure you like and subscribe, so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.

So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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34 Thoughts on How To Survive A Devastating Break Up With A Narcissist
  • tel5271999@gmail.com'
    Michael Land
    July 30, 2018

    Wow. Impeccable timing for me on this video. Thank you. I’ve got a new category of Narcissist. Pit Bull Narcissist. I’ve tried over and over to end a relationship with a narcissistic girlfriend. She won’t let me go. Every time I try she knows exactly how to get me back. She has devastated so many times, but somehow she has this power over me to get me back, and it’s as if nothing happened. Until the next devastating blow. Quanta Freedom Healing does help me in terms of my own healing, my own awareness, and my own self care and self love. So many amazing things have happened for me since starting this program. I know this is about me, and my emotional state. I take full responsibility. I’m not at all interested in the fact that she’s a narcissist. Not at all trying to analyze or fix or rescue her. I really couldn’t care less. I find it almost impossible to get away from her. She won’t let me. Every time I do break free, somehow it’s like she magically casts some kind of spell over me, and my mind goes blank, and I lose all rational ability to resist her. I feel like I need to emotionally devastate her in a way that sends a concrete message. That goes against my very nature, and I feel incredibly guilty thinking it, but I have to absolutely send a message so clear that this stops once and for all. Honestly I don’t know how to separate from the caring, compassionate side of myself to pull it off. She knows I can’t do it. Or at least I haven’t been able to yet. I find the solution so difficult because I’m a super positive, upbeat, spiritual person. My brain has so much conflict with finding the solution. She plays on every bit of it to keep me hooked in.

    • jolley.molley@googlemail.com'
      Jean
      July 30, 2018

      Michael, my experience is that, although we don’t quite believe it, we all have our own answers. If you reread your own post, you will see what I mean. You believe that she has the ability to put a spell on you and what you describe does sound just like that. So, in your inner world, she is in charge, with her witchcraft, and all your own efforts are in vain. Correct me if I am wrong here and forgive me if I am being unkind, but when are you going to be your own person?

      You say that you are a spiritual person. You are the owner/occupier of an amazing energetic embodiment. Why are you giving the steering wheel to someone else? Well quite obviously you think that you have to. Remove the inner belief that anyone else can be at the wheel but you and your problem is solved. Step outside of yourself and look at your life with love. You do not have to give up kindness and compassion to be your own boss. You just have to recognise that your path goes elsewhere and take the wheel to steer it there. If she jumps into the road, you don’t have to knock her down. Steer around. She will find another car to accost. The roads, sadly, are full of them. Be well and happy

      • tel5271999@gmail.com'
        Michael Land
        July 30, 2018

        You’re right. And I’m being foolish. I guess I was thinking I have to go through some horrible emotional turmoil to bring an end to this. That’s what I’ve been trying to avoid at all costs. I’ve been through enough emotional turmoil. Simply turning my focus towards the positive, towards what’s healing and empowering, seems to be working wonders right now. At this moment I have absolutely no emotional charge or feeling towards her whatsoever. I really couldn’t care less about her. I’m not hurt, I’m not angry, I’m not upset in any way. At this moment I feel fully empowered, no longer drained and depleted of my energy. I feel great, and it feels a hundred times better than I ever felt with her. End of Story 🙂 .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 31, 2018

      Hi Michael,

      Are you in the NARP Forum?

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Truly, we can help you target and release exactly those wounds that are keeping you caught up in these hooks with her.

      Module 6 work in NARP, also, is exactly the specific untangling on the beliefs to help you get free.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Navycod@aol.com'
        Nick V.
        August 2, 2018

        I’m 72 yrs old and believe I have a 66 yrs old girlfriend who I think is a narcissist, but not totally sure, because she according to the videos I have watched, she has no empathy, has lied, deceived, manlipuated, and may have very well cheated on me. I also must take some respsonsibility for my actions and some verbal abuse towards her because of her actions in our relationship. I may be older, but would like to find some happiness in my life and feel I need help because I really love her, but feel unhappy most of the time.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 2, 2018

          Hi Nick,

          If trust is not possible there is no healthy or safe relationship possible … only more trauma.

          At any age we all deserve better.

          Your life and real love still awaits you.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

          • Navycod@aol.com'
            Nick V.
            August 3, 2018

            Thank you for your advice, it was 8 yrs. before I went out again, found her at a Ballroom dance. Hurting inside as I thought she was the one I would sure the rest of my life with. Plays games, secret phone calls. states its her son (Would not show me his number), I now hold her hand, walk along side of her, and complains about sex (I do anything right), blocked phone calls, so they go directly to voice mail. I was treated better when things were not good. Since I recognized I needed to change from the toxic person (Two Yrs.) I had become, which I believe because of her and needed to get back to the person I was when I first met her three yrs. ago. She left me Maye 15th and now I have watched yours and other videos to get back on the right path for myself. She has gotten worst, but I have kept texting her and taking phone calls which are only once in awhile. Help

            Nick V.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            August 3, 2018

            Hi Nick,

            It is so hard and painful getting off the addiction to toxic people especially when we have believed they are the one.

            My strongest suggestion is to connect to my free inner transformational resources so that you can start to learn how to detach yourself from her and get relief.

            https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

            I hope this can help.

            Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • annself63@icloud.com'
      Anne
      August 2, 2018

      I truly get what you are going thru. It seems to me…I must be counter intuitive in my thinking process. I too feel so much like I am going against the grain when I stick to the NO CONTACT process. After 17 trauma bonding years together, thee opportunity presented itself and I was able to break free, within 6mths her was married….fast forward 16mths later he now has stage 4 cancer and stops by my house when ever he felt like it and wants my support being he was given a year to live (I believe the cancer came on due to several yrs. of heavy alcoholism and addiction) I could not fix or rescue him while we were together, how could I do it now (part of my still wants to due to our trauma bonding) He is married to a woman who I am grateful for….otherwise I probably would of caved in and took him back like I did after a 10mth. break up) What I am trying to convey is that keep working this healing program, I started it and never completed it partly do to my brain could not even function properly enough to go to the computer and figure out how to get into the technical aspect of the program (which I paid for). You don’t have to stay in the sick relationship. I am devastated that he may be leaving this earth soon because he couldn’t look within and get sober. All I can do is EARNESTLY and continuely pray fro him and his wife. He and I never married…just something about it I didn’t want to make that commitment to him however, wasted probably the best years of my 30,s and 40,s. Today I don’t know much however I do know the beginning is no contact. Now I must get on with it and do the inner work to be truly free and able to live out the rest of my life reasonably happy. Sorry so long and I must admit just replying to your comment has helped me. Thank you and God bless.

  • tjayshree76@outlook.com'
    Tina
    July 30, 2018

    Good Morning Melanie and Fellow Thrivers,
    Thank you Melanie for this episode, I was in a relationship with a narcissist for nearly 5 years and on one Friday evening when he was going out with a friend (who was also an ex-girlfriend) I was ceremoniously discarded like yesterday’s trash and I never spoke to him or heard from him again. This was about 6 months ago and although I put a huge amount of effort in to loving myself and healing from this devastating trauma, I can’t seem to get to my final destination so to speak- why?- because he lives directly opposite me on the same street. He has and is and will continue to use this as an opportunity to hurt me on a daily basis just in case he hasn’t crushed my heart & soul enough already. Within 2 days of discarding me he had several different women on his drive for me to see, he was making it extremely obvious that he was dating them, sleeping with them and going away for weekends away with them- to twist the knife- and it worked to the point where I felt suicidal. I am slowly beginning to understand why he was/is behaving in this way, through my extensive research on narcissists and how their brain and behaviour works, but as long as he is literally in front of me conducting his daily displays with his new girlfriend and passing messages of how happy he currently is and that he’s never been happier (thereby implying that he wasn’t happy & fulfilled whilst he was with me) through a mutual friend of ours, I simply can’t heal. He is constantly ‘there’ is some shape or form. How do I and how can I possibly heal?, Please Melanie help!!….xx

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      No Name
      July 31, 2018

      This is classic! My Narc rented the condo upstairs from me at one point. He thought he could just come “visit” any time he pleased. One night late he went so far as to call the police and have them do a “wellness check” because I wouldn’t answer the door. This was some time ago and new stalking laws had just been put into place. I talked to the woman he was living with at the time, let her know what he was doing and pointed out that what he was doing to me was considered stalking and if he didn’t stop his 24/7 visits then I would press charges. Shortly thereafter they separated, he moved away and took up with another woman. This gave me a breather and an opportunity to heal.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 31, 2018

      Awww Tina,

      Your poor thing. That is so cruel and absolutely so painful for you.

      Tina is there a way you can move out and get away and heal? I know this is terribly unfair that you may be the one leaving, however when we are looking after and healing our own souls sometimes drastic measures – and even costly ones – are necessary.

      The healing path that has helped myself and so many others, is my Thriver Recovery Method which you can start accessing here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I so hope this can help. Big hugs to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • tjayshree76@outlook.com'
        Tina
        July 31, 2018

        Thank you Melanie & Thrivers for your comments.
        I so so so wish I could move because as you quite rightly say, unless I do pack up and move away, I know this will be a constant and chronic problem for me- I can liken it to a deep wound that is trying to heal and form a scab over the top to prevent it from being infected but it gets opened up again- on a daily basis. This man is so unbelievably cruel and takes great pleasure is causing me as much pain as possible by flaunting his new supplies for me to see and being as loud as he can on the drive so I can hear them- especially if they arrive back home late in the evening and I am in bed trying to sleep. But I’m not in a position to be able to move away easily as much as I want to – and believe me if I could I would do it in a heart-beat. The situation is complicated and it would take me time to explain the complexities of it and for you fellow Thrivers to not think of me as perhaps bringing this on to myself- as I can assure you I have not. And so my life currently (and I am scared that this will be the case until I die) is a daily battle trying not to see or hear what is going on across the road (either deliberately as sometimes curiosity gets the better of me or accidentally because I am trying very hard to pretend he simply doesn’t exist but I do see him coming in and out of our road when I am not looking out for him)- it’s a horrible situation and I am so angry and frustrated in the way he has dumped me like garbage and in all this daily pain whilst he is enjoying himself and carrying on with life happily and without any care or concern about the broken state he’s left me in, that’s simply not fair or right. I just hang on to the hope that karma will one day give him what he deserves……

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    July 30, 2018

    Having been through this type of situation with a Narc again and again I still think the best way to deal with them is to just pack up and go. Really. Just go. Don’t look back. Move forward. Block them on your cell phone. Move into a secure community. Just do what you gotta do to wring them out of your life. They are master manipulators and nothing about them is good.

  • lisabennett@yahoo.com'
    Lisa Bennett
    July 31, 2018

    I’m new to the program and am still only on Module one (which I’ve repeated only 3 times, so far). But I have just begun No Contact and I feel such agony. I am physically disabled and my older sister is a narcissist. She has controlled everything in my life, especially my finances. It wasn’t enough for her to ruin me herself. She has convinced my entire family that I am a bad and crazy person who doesn’t deserve their time, attention, or love. I am in such pain, and I have to learn to survive now by myself. It’s so hard to be thought of this way by my family, and I honestly don’t understand how they could think their attitudes and behavior toward me is not cruel. It’s like they have no sense of right and wrong.
    I’ll get through this. I’ll be happy again one day. But I don’t honestly know if I will ever forgive them, or if I even want to. As far as I know, they are not narcissists, so how they stood by and watched this happen to me, and in some cases, joined in on hurting me, is just beyond my ability to understand. I feel like the most despised person in the world.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 31, 2018

      Hi Lisa,

      I am so sorry that you have had it so hard. My heart goes out to you Dear Lady and you have incredible courage in pulling away and starting to heal yourself.

      Please know you don’t need to worry about forgiving or anything else yet – just continue working with Module One and doing what you need to nurture and look after you.

      Also Lisa reach out if you need support in the NARP Forum. We are there for you.

      Sending healing and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    July 31, 2018

    I did no contact with some narc family members earlier this year. I feel so peaceful without them around. They’ve done some pretty crazy stuff to draw me back in, but I haven’t budged an inch and never will. Not even to go to a family event where they might be and not even if someone died. I have no anger towards them either. I just finally got to a place where I completely accept them for what they are just like I accept a shark for what it is with no hate towards the shark at all. My peace is my number one priority and nothing else comes before it. Thanks Mel. Narp helped get me here.

    On a different note……..I love Tiggy….totally wish I could give him a hug. His energy is so funny, strong and sweet. Even though this video doesn’t apply to me anymore, I was feeling kind of tired and down today and seeing Tiggy just lifted me up.

    Peace, Asha

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 31, 2018

      Hi Asha,

      That is so great that you are so definitive with your boundaries.

      And I love that you have done so much work on yourself to reach this place of peace. That’s so powerful!

      Awww I will pass your love on to Tiggy. I’m so pleased he grants you his energy. Everything you say about him is 100 percent true!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • debrasmith613@gmail.com'
    debbie
    July 31, 2018

    I left him over a month ago after 3 years, He was my boyfriend 30 years ago, I ended it because he was a pest. I thought he grew up, wrong.
    I had no idea people like this existed. I did research after 2 years and knew what he was, he was able to con me back for another round of abuse.
    things were seemingly great until he pulled the rug from me again. He contacted me a week ago and I told him it’s over and to find someone else.
    I cried for 2 weeks. I know never to go back. I try really hard not to think about it. I have really educated myself of the subject. That has helped tremendously. I feel happy again and my old personality is coming back and better. I do struggle at times, knowing I was in Love with a person who could never Love. I feel safe and no all the signs to look for if it happens again. Luckily I have my own place and its 1 hour away. Im not worried he will come to my house. He is too lazy. I just want him out of my head 100%. to add, to think I want to the doctors suffering from anxiety and it was caused by him, not a mental illness. Thank God I left when I did, I really was on the brink of mental illness. I have accepted it, and that has helped. Knowing I will never see this person again. Thank you for your support, Debbie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 31, 2018

      Hi Debbie,

      You are very welcome and I wish you a wonderful recovery and breakthrough into your True Life.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • bevwhit1@aol.com'
    Beverly Whitacre
    July 31, 2018

    HELP! I have purchased the program, made folders and notebooks, and tried repeatedly to understand the first module. I have a bit of cognitive challenge at times due to a very long seizure brought on by an allergic reacton to a medication. It is intermittent and at times I am strongly plugged in so to speak but the module confuses me. I get distracted, side tracked, frustrated, angry with my self and don’t seem to make any progress. My mind says things like, “Is this just a bunch of hocus pocus?”. Has anyone else seemed to be hitting a brick wall with the “Quantum” program? I used to be very intelligent. I have been a teacher for 30 years until the seizure. I am 69. I have had so many thoughts of suicide but now I realize that is not the answer and I must not do that. I want to learn, grow, and thrive! I want to be happy. I want to stop thinking I should have never been born. I have so many regrets. How does anyone say they have no regrets? Can it be truly honest that they don’t? I feel so alone in this world, I feel no one would attend my funeral if I had one. That saddens me but it is true. I have no one to talk to, call, or be with. I have no one to do things with. I am truly alone. I have even run ads trying to just have platonic friends…no luck. I have tried to volunteer to help veterans and babies with no parents or moms with post partum depression. I only got to help one set of twins and their mom. That was glorious but they live very far away. I live in Florida and they live in California. I cry missing them every day. They are 19 months old and their mother is better….she is not threatening to kill herself, her husband and her three kids any more. I have made many, many trips cross country to help her with babies. Now they don’t need me any more. I should be glad but I grieve the loss of being needed. Of course, on top of all this, the narcissist lives in my house and plays me like he is the puppeteer and I am the dummy! He sleeps soundly after stirring me up and I have terrible insomnia.
    I don’t know if this is even where I should cry out for help but if it is not, please tell me step by step what to do and where to go. If Quantum Healing is the answer, I need tutoring like a child with a learning disability. I just don’t get it. Is it just based on inserting painful memories into a template and magically imagining them away? Is it creating a new fantasy from prior pain in my reality? I will keep reading your articles. This HAS to work. This has to help me become a thriver. I am just existing in misery most of the time. I try being grateful but the sorrows outweigh the gratitudes.

    • tel5271999@gmail.com'
      Michael Land
      July 31, 2018

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Believe it or not, your story is not unique. The whole premise behind NARP, and what you are desperately searching for, is the connection to yourself. That’s what you are missing most. It’s just learning to relax and learning to reconnect to, and love yourself. It’s not easy. You’ve spent a lifetime avoiding that. It’s just like learning anything else. Just like building any other relationship. It takes time. It does work. Be patient with yourself, be good and kind to yourself.
      Stop being grateful for the sorrows, because you’re simply creating more things to be sorry about. Be grateful for the positive things, and you will create more of those. Much love.

    • tel5271999@gmail.com'
      Michael Land
      July 31, 2018

      RE: I realize the last sentence of my first reply to you doesn’t initially make sense . But think about it for a moment. What’s one of the most powerful things you can do to attract anything into your life? Being grateful for it. Being grateful for it before it comes. If you are continually experiencing things to be sorry about, on some level you are expressing your gratitude in a negative way. Perhaps you’ve become comfortable and at ease feeling sorrowful. Perhaps that’s what now brings you comfort because you are increasingly familiar with that state. On the one hand you say you want to be happy and thrive, but on the other it’s not familiar and comfortable to you anymore, so your brain is going to avoid the uncomfortable situation, and you will revert back to what’s familiar and comfortable. You will continue to create more things to be sorry about. NARP will easily help you dig deeper into the reasons why and help you release those beliefs about yourself that are creating this condition.
      Most importantly just learning to reconnect to yourself and partner with yourself will naturally bring about a healthier, happier, and more positive state, which will help you create happier experiences. Everything on the outside is simply an expression of what’s going on inside of you. It’s all a mirror reflecting back to you your deepest beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Life is mirroring back to you what you have created through your thoughts and emotions and beliefs. As within, so without. I know that’s a tough pill initially to swallow. The more you go through the modules, the more you will understand this concept. And the more you will want to clean it all up. If anything, be grateful for this program. It is an absolute blessing and miracle that it is available. It is what you are searching for. You’ve garnered the courage and taken the first, now keep taking those steps, one at a time.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 31, 2018

      Hi Beverly,

      Please know that absolutely there are people who through so much trauma and never having worked with energetic healing work before can initially struggle with NARP.

      Supporting you through into effective modulling is not something that is possible via a blog post reply.

      My greatest suggestion is for you to be in the NARP Forum receiving intricate coaching and support https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      If you are a Gold NARP member this is completely free lifetime service . If you are a silver member you can upgrade and be connected via my lovely support team support@melanietoniaevans.com

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • vickipaymella666@gmail.com'
      Vicki
      July 31, 2018

      Beverly,
      Hi. I am so sorry you have such pain! I don’t have any answers; this is actually the first time I have started to look at this program, information, articles. But your post touched me.
      I too have had overwhelming damage. I will be 60 in March and I too have regrets. It’s been 10 years since I was thrown away like garbage after a 20 year marriage. Took this long to discover what he was and to have enough healing to be able to start the journey.
      I want you to realise and recognise a few things. Its pure irony that you worry about being a good person. Do you realize that if you were not worthy or a bad person. . . You wouldn’t worry about or question if you were worthy or a bad person? The mere fact that you question or worry about IS ABSOLUTELY INDISPUTABLY PROOF THAT YOU ARE AN ANGEL.
      How lucky those twins and their mother are to have had you in their life. Even if not as frequent as you wish. What is most important is you were there when it was critically acute. You say the mom is better. You may very well have saved lives. You must remember that and one other important thing. It is very important that you not interfere with lessons they still need to learn. Proving you are a wonderful person again, you hesitate to let them go enough to learn the lessons they need to. Loving others enough to allow them to learn the lessons they need is harder on us than it is for them. Even if they are very hard lessons.
      I believe you have difficult lessons ahead. We all do if we are reading these. But no matter what, remember that you are an incredible angel. That is your core. Even if another tries to make you doubt that, it is because they are not and they only power they have is to try to hurt you until they feel better. He, deep inside, knows the power and beauty inside you. If you weren’t beautiful and powerful, he would put such effort in trying to knock you down. What more proof do you need than that?
      My thoughts and prayers are with you. Chin up, Darling!

  • vickipaymella666@gmail.com'
    Vicki
    July 31, 2018

    P. S. I have also learned that while you can’t teach an old dog new tricks ITS EXTREMELY STRESSFUL ON THEM. but it can be done. Just breathe. . .Dont allow him to keep you in a constant state of panic. You will learn what you need to know, you will get through this. What confidence the universe has in you to have you learn this at your age! Just breathe deep breaths. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. 😀

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    August 1, 2018

    Very good video!
    Been there, done that, about 1,5 years ago, thank God I’m not in that phase anymore, it was horrible!

    “The feelings of longing, love and ‘I’ll die without this person’ are replaced by repulsion and then detachment and indifference.”

    Indeed, I felt intense longing and love…nowadays, when I think about him (which also happens less and less)…I feel pretty much nothing. Hurrah! 🙂
    He is terribly damaged person, so was I. Nowadays I take it just as a “fact”. I feel totally neutral. And this is amazing, because I was depressed, maniac and suicidal. And missed him very very much.

    I don’t even feel repulsion or resentment towards him, even though his actions were horrible, cruel, manipulative. Sharks attack, lions bite, n’s do their stuff, it is what it is. His issues are not my problem anymore 🙂 Mostly thanks to you Melanie!! <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 1, 2018

      Hi Julia,

      How wonderful that you have come so far!!

      You are so welcome and sending you continued blessings and joy!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lorinda_wente@att.net'
    Lorinda
    August 1, 2018

    Melanie,
    Just wanted to thank you for your supportive programs and your spirit, as well as to comment on what I have found to be a surprising reaction from a couple of dear friends of mine after leaving the “N” 2 months ago: A few days after I left, he had left a note in the mailbox of the friend I was staying with ( you were so right in predicting the N would go to any lengths…. ). I mentioned to my friend that I wouldn’t be reading it. If anything i would give it to the attorney for the file on “N”. She said ‘what if he is threatening you’, and i told her that for sure I wouldn’t want to read it then. ‘What if he is remorseful’, nope. I became well aware that I really didn’t want his words whatever they were. After past conversations
    about our relationship of 14 years I came away more confused, angry, frustrated than before the “talk” and nothing (again) was accomplished. Most recently I arranged thru a mutual friend to pick up the last of my belongings from the marital home while N was away for a week. He had again left an envelop with a thick letter for me. In considering the possible content of the letter, I became aware that I didn’t need to read it, that I knew every word with which he would attempt to make his case, discount me, give mixed messages, and his favorite “flying monkey” comments. Astonished, the second friend remarked ‘wasn’t I a little curious about the content of the letter’ as we finished loading the last of my possessions. I told her, yes, curious, but I already knew how N would approach this again and cared enough about myself to protect myself from more crazy-making, mixed messages and double talk I knew i would be exposed to if I read it. Thanks to your teachings and experiences shared with the rest of us I had prepared myself for that challenge. Thank you deeply for this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 2, 2018

      Hi Lorinda,

      You are doing so well! I love your orientation and it is so true!

      We know once we have fully realised and accepted that this person is pathological that nothing we receive in the way of information from them is healthy, supportive, safe or nourishing for our soul.

      Therefore why would we allow more abuse to hit?

      Great job!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mia.sarah@outlook.com'
    Mia Sarah
    August 1, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    Much about this video I can relate with as I think I am still bonded by trauma in attachment to my ex sociopath even though it has been many years since I left him but never did any inner work despite counselling attempts and self help. I suffer from complex trauma and I had a very traumatic childhood so I can connect the dots as to why this happened to me and I was bullied by narcissists in the home and throughout my schooling experience. I have attracted dysfunctional in most areas of my life and can see the patterns playing out but I don’t think this knowledge is power because I still have major depressive disorder and high levels of anxiety and have become very resentful and angry but seriously is it any wonder. I know I have disconnected through the years and this has caused so much fatigue in my life because I can barely get of bed everyday and life is pretty simple and empty. Trauma must have taken it’s toll on my body and I am just managing symptoms like doing body tapping and some somatic trauma therapy work with a therapist gave me as a survival guide but it does not seem to be getting it out of my body and I don’t understand why?

    Any information here would be most beneficial and I appreciate all that you do I am sure you are helping many souls on this earth with gratitude I would love to hear more.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 2, 2018

      Hi Mia,

      It is so true that knowledge is not power when it comes to trying to release and heal from deeply embedded trauma.

      At best all we can do is try to manage that still existing trauma, which if significant is virtually impossible.

      Mia my Quanta Freedom Healing method is a complete healing solution which has allowed myself and thousands of others to heal for real from this.

      To connect to all the information and processes about this you can sign up here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      And please know this is all completely obligation free and you can work with my free resources or choose to take it further.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jennysherrell@gmail.com'
    Jenny
    August 1, 2018

    Beverly, I’m sixty-six and have only just become deliriously free of being a puppet for the narcissist – who incidentally, still shares a 5 acre block with me. I remember the time I couldn’t remember how to play patience on my computer – my mind was so stressed it just stopped working – I just stared at the screen and didn’t know what to do. My only ‘friend’ was the narcissist so I shared this strange thing that was happening to me, with him; and we both laughed together about how funny it was – while at the same time my mind was screaming that this was all so wrong. i was completely friendless and it also depressed me to think that there would be no- one to attend my funeral. Like you, I was in so much pain I didn’t think there was any hope any more, but I was in so much pain I just had to do something. So I started off with the NARP program – and while I didn’t understand all of it – it was my step towards starting to do something very specific for my healing; I then continued to make more choices for me – flowers, a new blouse, I signed up for some free on-line counselling sessions that weren’t ground shaking – but I had an anonymous friend I could open my heart up to for 5 weeks and that helped. It took some time before I had the confidence to attend a fellow ship church and even though I sat on my own, I felt part of a caring family. My mind never regained it’s previous sharpness but I started doing low cost on-line courses in self-development. I didn’t know what I was doing but now I know I was building up my inner core – which had been totally empty and dependent on the narcissist. I have recently started volunteering at an aged care facility and they value my input. Beverly, you now have to make the decision that you will be responsible for giving yourself the best life you can – When we accept that responsibility we become empowered – and the universe steps in to help us. It’s a challenge but your core or inner self is calling out to be filled. And only you can fill it up. Oh and I spent a lot of time regretting the past and then decided ‘what the hell, it’s happened, I’m healing and hello world!’

  • effat94@gmail.com'
    Ngy
    August 5, 2018

    I’ve left my husband 6 months ago still hoping I could transform our relationship. We’ve been together for 5 years, living together. He was basically my family, or at least the unreplacable part of it.
    First I did No Contact (just because I couldn’t see him for awhile). It lasted about 2 months.
    Then we started seeing each other again, it was mostly me trying to connect with him, spend some time together. I missed him terribly.
    And just when I started to hope we have another chance at this he asked me out himself (for once) and then just told me out of the blue that he decided to dissapear. I wouldn’t be able to contact him, know where he lives. “You shouldn’t have left me alone”. Also he said that he LOVES me but IT DOESN’T MATTER.
    He was focused on the mere fact that I LEFT, not the reason for me leaving.

    When he embraced me saying goodbye he even cried, and that was truly shocking because he’s not the type, not really, he had always successfully kept the facade of cold detachment and the inability for empathy.

    I’m more than confused. Some days I think why should I even bother, I deserve to be truly happy. And some days I miss our time together… I miss him holding me when I drift off to sleep – this sort of thing. His smell, his touch, his jokes.
    I have a keen feeling I will never ever get this close to anyone. Nothing would be like home.
    It terrifies me. It is a true loneliness.

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